JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/13/17

1. Sexiest Man Alive Continues to be HOT GARBAGE.

blake

Look, I’ve been outraged by People’s choice for as long as I’ve had this blog. The first year I was so fired up that I wrote a whole blog dedicated to it. Now I’m just jaded. I’ve come to accept that Sexiest Man Alive is the biggest Hollywood hack job and I think it’s time that we move on and ignore People every year until they do away with this title. Because internet outrage is still attention for them and they love the shit out of that. Ignore them like the smelly kid at recess and show them that putting a country singer whose been around for 900 years and is most well known for hosting a reality singing show and gallivanting around with Ms. No Doubt DOES NOT DESERVE THE TITLE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE. #TeamMiranda4Lyfe

2. VS Fashion Show Lineup. Interesting marketing tactic for pulling in viewers to the annual “watch skinny girls strut around in comically over-sized wings to today’s pop hits”. Tossing together Taylor Swift, Katy Perry & Harry Styles. Obviously Tay & Hay had a past fling and Tay and Kay had a past feud. So, they’re trying to stir up some shit but in reality they probably are kept apart by publicists and each perform their own hit and that will be that. Does it make me a big lez if I’m more excited to see what “bad Tay” will don for lingerie considering her last appearance featured her wearing this:

tay-karlie

If so, then I’m AOK with that. Update: Just before I published, there’s a story being tossed around that Katy’s visa or whatever isn’t approved to perform at this show. Fingers crossed this is true. WE ALL KNOW WHO THE WEAK LINK IS HERE, GUYS.

3. Congrats on the Sex. HEY DID YOU GUYS KNOW THAT SARAH HYLAND AND WELLS ADAMS ARE DATING? Because once Halloween and that picture of the two of them dressed up as Stranger Things characters hit the airwaves it was like a floodgate in Sarah’s oversharing on social media tactic was opened and now we as the public are basically intimately a part of their relationship. They banter on twitter, they both post pictures almost daily & then she gets pissed at everyone for telling her that she’s oversharing. You know, normal stuff. I will say exactly what I said on my Reputation review…it’s fabulous that you’re happy but like THE KEY TO HAPPINESS IS NOT BARFING YOUR RELATIONSHIP ALL OVER SOCIAL MEDIA SO EVERYONE CAN COMMENT ON IT BECAUSE YOU’RE FAMOUS AND THEY THINK THEY KNOW YOU. End rant.

Two more reasons to smile again. My big🥄& furry🥄

A post shared by Sarah Hyland (@sarahhyland) on

4. Barf City, Population: Me.

Gee, thanks Nicki for making me barf uncontrollably all over my keyboard. That’s it. That’s all I got.

5. Tree Hill is not a place where everything’s better and everything’s safe. As a very public OTH superfan, it would be inapprops of me not to report the reason it became a highly discussed show this week… 5 years after it stopped airing. The latest on the long list of Hollywoood pervs is Marc Schwann, creator and showrunner of OTH, and current showrunner of equally as delicious trash teen TV show, The Royals. According to this letter that was released mid-week, Schwann sucks. Leading the charge were public feminists and whistleblowers Hilarie Burton (called out Ben Affleck REAL HARD for some boob grabbing) and Sophia Bush (calls out everyone, always). In summary–pls follow the tweets below for everyone’s commentary–a female writer spoke out against Marc, all the OTH girls got on a conference call and drafted a public letter, all the men tweeted their support, lead of The Royals speaks out, ladies of the Royals pen their own British version of the OTH letter, all the men tweet their support, Marc is suspended pending investigation & Elizbeth Hurley is like I’ve never been harassed once in my life, so IDK what’s going on. SAARRRYYY. My take on this from the many different stories that I read is that Marc is kinda an egomaniac douchenozzle in general. Kind of puts OTH and the Royals in an icky light though if he’s running shows about young kids and being a real cr33p. Since this is quite the hot button issue these days and I don’t want to come off as insensitive, I’ll just give out the information and you can do with it what you will. I know. Mark this moment in history as the only time I’ve held back my opinions so as not to stir the pot. HOWEVER, I WILL SAY…Grubbs the bartender made a statement of support and from Chad Michael Murray, THE MAIN CHARACTER OF THE ENTIRE SERIES? We got nothin. He retweeted something and that was that. YIIIIIKKES. #BurnLucasDownSIS

THE ROYALS:

 

 

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Music, Red Carpet, Television

MTV VMA’s Red Carpet 2016

Every year when the back to college blues hit, MTV really hammers it home with the VMA’s. An annual reminder that I’m too old for this shit. I don’t know who half of the rappers and singers are that youths are listening to these days, and I’m forced to endure 3 hours of buhholes and Kanye “bro” West free speech–just so I don’t have Twitter FOMO. To make up for this full night of garbage TV, I’m going to judge red carpet outfits real hard.

WORST

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Red Carpet

Ariana may be nailing all the 90’s kewl kid trends these days with the off the shoulder and choker, but that hair and the way too long biz slacks are really buzzkilling it.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

I legitimately was shocked that Fat Joe was still alive. Joe Crack the Don is looking scary as ever in those pastel blue pants.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards, Arrivals, Madison Square Garden, New York, USA - 28 Aug 2016

What happened to our sweet little JoJo in boys suck graphic tees?

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Red Carpet

YIKES, Nick. Yikes.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

Remember when Cassie was in Step Up 2 the Streets? Lolz.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

This is the VMA’s, not the Met Ball Ansel

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

Naomi’s dress is an actual chair cover.

MTV Video Music Awards 2016

I would pay lots of money to see a chick wear these shoes downtown at the bars and watch her try to walk in them.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

We get it, Joe Jonas. You’re edgy now that you sing about sex. The leather overalls are just unnecessary though. Loveralls.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

I guess MTV awards is the exact place to make this statement since they made Nev famous but like also no one knows who his girl is, so this kind of defeats the purpose of going balls to the wall and showing up to a red carpet topless and about to deliver any second.

BEST

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

Don’t understand a damn thing this bro sings/raps/whatevers but this jacket is fire.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

It took me a minute to get used to this but I’m down now. It’s fun and her nips are covered, which is hard to find on the VMA’s red carpet.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

HASHTAG FINAL FIVEEEEEE. But seriously they all look adorbs and age approps.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Red Carpet

Could’ve done without the slicked hair but Heidi looks like she’s a supermodel or something in this mini.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

All the respect for Alicia Keys rolling through with no makeup (and still looking better than me with a full face of makeup) as well as using her actual bomb ass singing voice onstage, amidst a show full of shitty lip syncers. Real recognizes real.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

Major key: Khaled makes the best dressed solely because he’s not wearing slides with another one printed on them. (read: my standards are rock bottom)

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

I never thought this day would come, but Nicki actually looks good and her buhhole isn’t hanging out.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

Brit looks okay, this jabroni with the open velour shirt can kick rocks right out of here though.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

I’m woman enough to admit when Kimmy K looks good and bitch looks good here.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

Yeah, Nick get IT with that chevron!

2016 MTV Video Music Awards, Arrivals, Madison Square Garden, New York, USA - 28 Aug 2016

Giving a lot of bro love today for their fresh patterned jackets.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Red Carpet

If we’re being honest I think Blue’s outfit crushes Beyonce’s but IT’S NOT A COMPETITION, GUYS.

And since I refuse to dedicate a whole blog to recap here are my tidbits:

-Was there a host? If the host was supposed to be Key & Peele, they clearly have no gauge on when to ditch a bit that was drowning from the beginning.

-The VMA’s should just come out and advertise as the Lip Sync Awards because it’s actually embarrassing how many dance medleys happened with no effort at all to appear like they’re singing. (COUGH COUGH BRITNEY & RIRI)

-Rihanna may have been awarded with the video vanguard (and “performed” too many times to count) but Beyonce was the real winner of last night with her Lemonade medley that brought white girls to their knees.The only thing that could’ve made it better was Jay onstage feeling Queen B’s fur coat wrath.

beyoncebat

-Halsey and the Chainsmokers guy are definitely banging, also they ruined my new fave song of the summer by showing us what their live voices sound like.

-Rihanna could not care less that Drake is so obsessed with her. Seriously, he was like I’ve been in love with you since birth and she was like thanks for the speech, bro.

And lastly, HASHTAG ART.

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Even though you couldn’t physically see my face when I watched this video, pls know that my eyes rolled directly out of my head and down the block.

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Red Carpet

Met Gala Red Carpet 2016

Welcome to the Met Gala, where all the tweens are invited and there’s always a weird theme that the Olsen Twins promptly ignore. This year’s theme was: Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology…whatever the F that means. Let’s judge.

Woof:

dakotajohnson

Kewl stars, Dakota.

Did Solange just dye last year’s dress yellow and add some latex leggings? #LEMONADE

emmaroberts

Not only is this a granny dress but her face is scarin me.

zendaya

THAT BOWL CUT THOUGH. DAMN.

jimmy

madonna

On what planet does anyone want to see Madonna’s nips or buhhole?

katy-perry

Katy Perry is quickly becoming the next Gaga with her dumb outfits and I will not go quietly into the night about this. I do miss my tamogatchi though.

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How does one accentuate their curves? By adding a bunch of buckles, apparently.

olsens

Ever the rebels, the twins show up in cloaks as per usual. Endless ciggs have been treating MK’s face well. She looks suuupes youthful.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

What fresh hell is this seaweed dress, Cindy Lou Who hair combo, Lupey?

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Beyonce looks good because she always looks good but I hate this dress. The color, the latex, not for me. SARRY guess I’m just Becky with the good hair.

kimye

Kim doesn’t look tha worst, but Kanye VIBES West ruined it.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

I feel bad consistently putting Kris on the worst dressed, because you can tell she tries so hard but like, let your daughters outshine you and retire the choker.

MET Gala 2016

Speaking from someone with 100% natty boobs, I don’t know if it’s normal for fake tits to sit at someone’s throat but something isn’t right here, LaLa.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Just, wtf is this. Save this bad boy for a 4th of July beach cover-up.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

If she had covered her bodice more I would’ve been down with this because the silver feathers are elegant. But I can live without seeing your crack whisper out of the tailfeather.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

This year’s sponsored by Hefty, Trash Bag Edition.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Following up the garbage bag dress, here’s random recyclables sewn togets.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Do Less.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Hey Ciara, every man above 60 called and they want their toup back:

karl

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Love that the feathers weren’t enough, there also needed to be a majestic butterfly fluttering across this gown.

MET Gala 2016

I looked right at this outfit and had to do a double take thinking it was 15 years ago and Jen Lindley was attending the ball.

jenbangs

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

What’s happening here?

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Furrever 15.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

This looks like a costume from Practical Magic.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

I mean, typs for Gaga.

jaredleto

Never wear a white tux if you’re a white and that’s obvious.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

I can’t even look at this dress because it feels like Katie is staring into my soul.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

It’s possible Karlie landed on the worst dressed purely out of jealousy.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

HEY Kerry’s preggers again. Also she’s attending a Halloween party.

Yaasss:

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This pose made me laugh for several minutes and I’m not afraid to admit it. The look is actually great, especially for hairy, scary Lorde, but that side head is outrageous.

brielarson

Brie’s closing out a hot red carpet season with this sparkler.

emmastone

I’m digging the dark locks on Emma. Plus this dress honors the theme without being outrageous.

Irachel-mcadams

I think I drooled looking at this picture. Nbd.

amyschumer

I wish her hair wasn’t so erect but the dress is hot stuff.

ninadobrev

This dress is flattering in every way.

rami-malek

I’ve got a thang for blue tuxes.

clairedanes

Cinderella, IRL. Going to a rave:

daneslightupnickjonas

Looking dapper as always. WONDER IF HIM AND KHUD SMOOCHED.

gigizayn

This is some robot fairytale shit. GiGi looks like a smoke and Zayn is her literal knight in shining armor.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Alessandra’s dress is just the right amount of weird and also it looks comfy AF.

ansel-elgort

That smolder though. Panty flooder.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Didn’t even need to include the pic with Jeets because Hannah knocks my socks off all on her own.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Sometimes Chloe has a tendency to dress like she’s straight out of a Delia’s catalogue but I like this look on her.

MET Gala 2016

Scary goth face, pretty dress.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

I wish I could wear this dress. Like, anywhere. What a beautiful fairy.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Demi has looked fierce as hell in every appearance ever this year.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Mindy’s lookin fresh and possibly has a keyboard clutch?

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

This dress is from H&M, so that us commoners can also dress for a ball.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

I’m torn on this. On the one hand, she looks like a sassy sailor, on the other hand she’s wearing white clam diggers at a ball. You decide.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

This kind of looks like trash gathered from a beach but I like it and I bet it’s comfy to lay in.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Kendall maintains as best dressed Jenner/Kardash

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Never did I think the day would come when I’d toss a compliment Kylie’s way but she really cleaned her shit up. She looks classy and essentially is wearing the same dress as Kim and looks a bajillion times better. Take notes, Kimmy.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Let your hurrr downnn!!!

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Kate couldn’t even sit in this dress so that blows but she looks like a dime.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Adorbs

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

From the neck down, I’m all over this shit. From the neck up, I’d like to gauge my eyes out. Tay is edgy now and we need to accept it I guess, but the bleach bob NEEDS TO GO. Those shoes slay though.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

What bump? Olivia looks skinny as possible in this dress.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

TBH, I don’t really know what’s going on here but I know that her head/bustier looks fab so I just glossed over the maybe cape, maybe pants sitch down below.

blake

I mean, end with a bang of course. She doesn’t look preggers,

she just looks F-L-A-W-L-E-S-S

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Music, Television, Uncategorized

AMA’s 2015 Recap

I gave this show a LOT of shit last year because Pitbull, obviously. Fortunately for everyone, Mr. Worldwide must’ve had prior commitments to wear white capris elsewhere and didn’t even show last night. (Along with Taylor Swift, Calvin Harris, Miranda Lambert, JT, Beyonce…etc. But whose really keeping track?)  No but actually, it appears the only attendees of last night’s awards show were fans who paid thousands of dollars to go, and the handful of winners/performers. I still found ways to laugh at the 10 celebs that were there though…so let’s dive in.

No, Thank You:

-The intro begins with JLo ruining Waiting For Tonight by singing a slowed down, sexed up version in a furry Navajo jacket surrounded by offensively dressed Indians(?) Then she declares it’s not about her (or the decision to wear these costumes) and shakes dat ass with the Redskins to a medley of nominated songs. At one point the furs are shed and what’s left is a bunch of nude body suits with target tattoos located on the dancers’ vaginas. You know, real classy stuff. THIS LASTED 8 MINUTES.

-Prince doesn’t go anywhere without his axe. Or his third eye.

Screen Shot 2015-11-22 at 8.29.47 PM

-If I wanted to see fans sing the wrong words at a concert, I’d go to one. Celebs were sitting like 20 rows back and the audience cam continuously panned to boring strangers. Tay and the seat dancing squad was SORELY missed. (Hailee Steinfeld tried to pick up the slack and came up real short.)

-Selena looked FAB during her performance, unfortunately I can’t say the same for her vocals. Or her backup dancers who looked like knockoff Magic Mikes with Aladdin pants.

selenaperformance

 

-Hey you know that shitty song that turned a singer into a verb for doing it? Well Charlie Puth sang it terribly then Marvin Gayed Meghan Trainor onstage and we all had to watch uncomfortably while they got it on.

meghan-charlie-01-435

-FGL can’t go anywhere without wearing something outrageous and last night didn’t disappoint. The pilgrim hat meets the fivehead. Seriously though, it’s in Tyler’s best interest to start styling his receding hairline differently.

FGL

-There was a real extreme close-up of Nick Jonas’s mouth while he was singing and it was disappointing to learn that he has barf.com teeth, therefore taking him down a peg or two on the hot scale. Mouth closed, shirt off from now on, pls.

-Coldplay + DANCING GORILLAS. Hey, guys, you sing soulful power melodies…you’re not the Grateful Dead tripping acid onstage. Stop scarin us.

coldplay

-JLo progressively gets more and more naked as the night goes on and after seeing this number below, I predicted that she would close out the show in pasties.

jlosheer

-Even though Karen Fairchild was wearing F. Me boots, it didn’t distract me enough from the GARBAGE song she sang with Luke Bryan that was essentially the country version of “Lemme Take a Selfie”

karenfairchild

 

-The HIGHLY ANTICIPATED Clueless reunion was really just Alicia Silverstone and Jeremy Sisto introducing Gwen Stefani. Way to really oversell that one.

clueless

Yes, Please:

-1D’s array of mid-show fashion. Liam’s red vest. Niall’s lace shirt. HARRY’S flower bolo, flared leisure suit and SPARKLE BOOTS.

1D

-Stars they’re just like us! JLo has the greasiest of hair after her 8 minutes of dancing in culturally insensitive garb to the point where they definitely were forced to wash her hair during a commercial break.

jlorobe

-Frankie Grande was like Ariana who? and made himself the centerpiece of the show from the third row. He was closer to the stage than any celebrity and he made sure we all knew it. He dances in the aisle, bops around and at one point when the camera pans to Nonna Grande, Frankie jumps right in front of her. Nona doesn’t deserve fame like Frankie does.

frankie grnade

-R.I.P Meek Mill. He was being DESTROYED on social media all night and then Nicki went and thanked Drake before him in her acceptance speech. Bye, Meek.

nicki-meek-01-600

-Nick Jonas changes things up with a church choir singing Jealous (and a lickworthy drum solo).

-While Macklemore did some slam poetry about medicine next to a guy with the skinniest tie I’ve ever seen, the audience was preetttyy unsure of how to groove, resulting in the funniest new dance move of the night: white guy jazz hands.

mack

-Alanis has still got it 20 years later! Shit. Demi and her teamed up to growl about Dave Coulier and it was fabulous. Alanis hasn’t missed a beat since the 90’s.

alanisdemi

-Celine sings a tribute to Paris in a beautiful gown. Not to take anything away from the lovely performance but I miss Celine. A lot. And I’d like to petition for her to perform “It’s All Coming Back To Me Now” at the next awards show because I know it would be electric. All in favor say “I finished crying in the instant that you left.”

celine

-I hate Bieber with the fire of a thousand suns but I know when it’s time to respect the fact that it’s his world and he knows it. He did “Sorry” splash waterfalls style and literally lip-synced right in everyone’s grillpiece in wet jeans that I can only assume resulted in chafing.

biebs

 

Winners:

Soul/R&B Album- The Weeknd

Pop/Rock Duo or Group- One Direction

Country Male- Luke Bryan

Soundtrack- Pitch Perfect 2

R&B/Hip-Hop Album- Nicki Minaj “The Pinkprint”

New Artist of the Year- Sam Hunt

Pop/Rock Female- Ariana Grande

Country Female- Carrie Underwood

Collaboration of the Year- Justin Bieber Skrillex & Diplo

Alternative Artist- Fallout Boy

Rap/Hip-Hop Artist- Nicki Minaj

Soul/ R&B Male- The Weeknd

Artist of the Year- One Direction

 

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Music, Television

VMA’s Recap

We’re absolutely getting to the point where I’m too old for the VMA’s and nothing made that more clear than watching the pre-show with a shitload of people I didn’t even know. At least Sway is still around. As a very public Miley Cyrus h8er it pained me to watch a show where she was guaranteed so much screen and mic time. (Plus it created an outrageous number of “You don’t want to miss what Miley does next” teasers before EVERY COMMERCIAL BREAK.) But what can I say, I recap for the people so here are your highs and lows of the VMA’s.

Lows:

-MILEY. From the several gag-inducing neon rave outfits (with nothing left to the imagination) to the amount of times she felt it was necessary to remind us she loves pot and the grand finale song about weed/performance that made me want to hurl things at the TV, everything about her as host was AWFUL.

425_Miley_Cyrus_VMAs_01 miley-cyrus-outfits-2015-vmas Miley-Cyrus-MTV-VMAs-2015-Pictures

-Macklemore AND RYAN LEWIS reenact their weird AF music video for new song Downtown that still makes my ears bleed out. (Also this gentleman with a ladies’ voice gives me nightmares.)

macklemore

-Whatever this horrific excuse for a bit was–definitely didn’t offend anyone. Too soon, Rebel, too soon. I’m obviously referring to seeing her in hot pants.

rebelstripper

-JBiebz HUUUUUGEEEE comeback sooooooked. He wore a trucker hat and headset like he was a member of N*SYNC but accented that with an oversized tee with leggings like I do when I have my period and I’m bloated, all black cause he has a lot of emotions. Speaking of emotions, he hysterically cries at the end of his garbage can performance, I’m assuming because he realized how terrible his voice is.

babybieber

-Pharell revives Newsies.

pharrellnewsiespharell

-Kanye’s Video Vanguard speech is so Kanye. Taylor presents the award (for ratings) closing out her very scripted speech with a new version of “I’mma let you finish.” PLAY THIS OUT MORE, MTV. SERIOUSLY. IT’S ONLY BEEN 6 YEARS. Kanye takes the stage and allows everyone to worship him standing O style for a good 15 minutes. He soaks it in silently telling the audience that he’ll TELL THEM when they can stop applauding. Finally he gives their bleeding hands a break by saying “Bro, bro listen to the kids.” Now we’ll go into a segment where I highlight the few things I understood from this speech that went on all night as the uncomfies took over my life and ended with a presidential bid for 2020.

hugz

SPEECH HIGHLIGHTS:

-He addresses the audience as Bro or Bruh. If I closed my eyes it was almost as if I was hearing a presidential address from ABROham Lincoln. Chills.

-Yeezy thinks about the 2009 VMA’s when he’s having in-depth juice discussions at Whole Foods.

-Gets boo’ed at baseball games because of his inclination toward Hennessy in 2009.

-He probably regrets wearing a leather shirt more than he regrets ripping the mic out of Taylor’s dainty little hands.

-Thoroughly enjoyed JT’s album entitled “Future Love Sexy Back” AKA “Sexy Back album”

-He watched Justin Timberlake cry at the Grammy’s after losing for aforementioned made up album.

-Kanye pre-gamed this speech with some of Miley’s kush. JUST TO TAKE THE EDGE OFF…CHILL, BRUH.

-Any time he’s at a loss for words he shouts “listen to the kids” which seems like terrible advice since kids are really stupid. Then again…Kanye’s an adult. So–catch 22.

-He doesn’t understand how awards shows work.

-He is running for president in 2020. (CAN YOU IMAGINE KIM KARDASHIAN AS FIRST LADY THOUGH?)

kimk kimselfie

 

Highs:

-NICK JONAS CROTCH GRAB.

-The Wildest Dreams video. Obviously. I see what you did there, Tay. You made this video just so you could mack all up on Scott Eastwood. Respect. (Full breakdown of video comin atcha, whether you want it or NAHT.)

-Opening peformance from Nicki Minaj where her RB curtz AND buhhole were politely covered by red feathers. My eyes thank you, Nicki. Tay shoots out of the stage with her infamous erect pageant arm in a matching red number for an over the top beef squashing. Tay sang Bad Blood for a second then they were like LAWLZ JK WE’RE FRIENDS! NO BAD BLOOD HERE!

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-Kanye is really into smiling and Taylor Swift’s the SHIT out of audience dancing during “Can’t Feel My Face”. Grey Goose (Marijuana) got the girl feeling loose.

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-Nicki wins—stands at the bottom of the steps until Rebel Wilson comes down to get her and then at the end of her acceptance speech decides to take her hoops off and ask Miley WHATS GOOD, BITCH. It’s a good thing Miley is on another stage because she absolutely poops herself and is like heh you know that was taken out of context Nicki, we good, right grrrlll? I get that this was all 100% scripted because Nicki laughed after it but I don’t care one bit because I now know that Miley can dish it but she can’t take it and I would watch Nicki curbstomp her ANY day. CELEBRITY DEATH MATCH GOOOOOOOO!

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-Tori Kelly SLAY GIRL SLAY. She wears a skintight sparkly jumpsuit that gives me the tingles and lets that killer voice of hers roar on “Should’ve Been Us”. R.I.P to every other performance because this was the only one worth watching all night. Pure talent. Watch in full here

-Demi Lovato did “Cool for the Summer”, a song that I can take or leave but she looked FAB despite being surrounded by men in neon speedos. Iggy came for a quick rap and also looked gr8, then finished with Demi crowd surfing in an inflatable pool, cause summer.

-Tay wins video of the year for Bad Blood, pretends she knows anything about Straight Outta Compton but then gives us this beautiful quote, “We live in a world where boys can play princesses and girls can play soldiers” promptly followed by Miley’s nipple. That sums up the MTV VMA’s better than anything. Goodnight and good luck to our future as human beings.

Winners:

Best Pop Video- Blank Space, Taylor Swift

Best Male Video-Uptown Funk Mark Ronson Ft. Bruno Mars

Best Hip Hop Video- Anaconda, Nicki Minaj

Best Female Video- Blank Space, Taylor Swift

Video with a Social Message- One Man Can Change the World, Big Sean, John Legend, Kanye West

Artist to Watch- Fetty Wap

Video of the Year- Bad Blood, Taylor Swift ft. Kendrick Lamar

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Music, Playlist

Summer Palooza 2k10

Let’s dial it back to the summer of 2010 when I was a mere infant at the beginning of her college career (sigh), with an actual 3 month break from school for a bullshit job and fun in the sun. Those were the dayz. Let’s also laugh at the songs that my sister and I thought were the shit that year.

1. Summer Sunshine- The Corrs. This was an original summer palooza tradition, beginning with this song and ending with White Houses (of course.) After a while we phased out The Corrs and kept Vanessa but I could still probably listen to this song on repeat. It was also a staple AIM profile addition…for example In the heat of the summer sunshine, I miss you like nobody else ☀ or ….xx…To sweet beginnings and bitter endings…xx… (for 8th grade graduation probly)

2. Misery- Maroon 5. Maroon 5 used to be full of bangers and I distinctly remember making this my ringtone at one point on my maroon (no coincidence) colored enV2. Could I have been cooler than answering a call-most likely from my mother-to the tune of Adam Levine wah-wahing? Probably not.

3. Magic- B.o.B ft. Rivers Cuomo. This tune got a quick revival via Pitch Perfect and the Treblemakers but it’s still fire flames. Pair a rapper (that we pretty much never heard from again) with the hipster lead singer of Weezer and you’ve got MAGIC.

4. All I Do Is Win- DJ Khaled (feat. T-Pain, Ludacris, Snoop Dogg & Rick Ross). This was probably the first rap song that I really NAILED, Emma Stone lip sync style. I can still impressively spit Luda’s verse. #StreetCred Also DJ Khaled’s got CONNECTS bringing this star powered posse together on one song.

5. Letting Go- Sean Kingston Ft. Nicki Minaj. Want to really annoy the shit out of your friends? Play the first 5 seconds of this song on repeat. My friend did that to me once while I was driving and I almost murdered him right there in my vehicle. I could probably go the rest of my life without hearing HEYO SEAN, YO MISTA KINGSTON ever again. BUT how gr8 is Sean Kingston that adorable Jamaican chubster?

6. Summer Town-Third Eye Blind. Obligatory, if you are a band and release a song with a summer theme, you land a spot on the palooza. Also I’m a sneaky 3EB fan. I’ve seen them twice in concert, I should probably add that I paid no more than 15 dollars to see them either time. Anyway, this is more of a chill by the bonfire flavor.

7. Love the Way You Lie- Eminem (Ft. Rihanna). This song is some heavy shit and obviously every time I hear it I suddenly turn into a rage-filled white rapper who throws her hands around like a G. No regrets. I distinctly remember this music video because it had Megan Fox in it and she got the shit beaten out of her aaand then her house was set on fire NBD. This came out right after Chris Brown cold-cocked Rihanna, which made it even more intense. I felt like that was a necessary sentence to type because I’d like to remind everyone that Chris Brown is a terrible human and kind of skated away from that whole domestic violence thing. Catchiest lyric goes to: Now you get to watch her leave out the window, guess that’s why they call it window PANE.

8. Mine- Taylor Swift. This is a top T Swizzle song for me because it’s just adorbz. Girl meets boy, girl has commitment issues, boy is like I’ll never leave you, and they live happily ever after. Isn’t love supes easy breezy?

9. Beautiful Monster- Ne-Yo. I think this was a desperate add-on. Clearly we were searching for songs here. Anyway, CLUB BEAT$ from ya boy Ne-Yo here where he compares a woman to monster…but she’s beautiful. What a wordsmith.

10. Dynamite- Taio Cruz. This song made repeating every word you say totally ok, ok, ok, ok. It IS a feel good jam about just having a fabulous night, which I can always support, support, support, support.

11. Undo It- Carrie Underwood. Carrie is Queen of revenge breakup songs, which is odd considering she’s been in a really healthy relationship for like her whole career. But I digress, bitch wants to undo the relationship, which is like the biggest diss. Bye Felicia.

12. I Like It- Enrique Iglesias ft. Pitbull. Ah another club beat except where Dynamite was all about good clean fun, this song is about cheating on your significant other on the weekends. Your boyfriend’s out of town so he doesn’t even have to know, lawls, please let me penetrate you under the strobe light with sweaty bodies surrounding us. Oh, Enrique how far you fallen from Hero—I blame Pitbull’s influence. OBVIOUSLY. DALÉ.

13. King of Anything- Sara Bareilles. Sara consistently puts out fresh music that’s light and bubbly. Clap it up for girl power!

14. Club Can’t Handle Me- David Guetta Ft. Flo Rida. When you go so hard that the club can’t even handle you, what are you even supposed to do? This song came out when I was under 21 but could still get into the 18 + club at school called Hatters (red flag) and I distinctly remember this being a full-on fist pump song. Therefore when you listen to it, you MUST build the beat.

15. Our Kind Of Love- Lady Antebellum. 2K10 was a light year for country lovin from my sis and I but Lady A was just starting to make some noise after Need You Now, the official drunk dial song. This one’s a little slow but maybe it’s time to slow it down after almost fist pumping yourself to death.

16. Cooler Than Me- Mike Posner. Remember this one hit wonder? Mike used to record music in his beat laboratory at Duke before he hit it big with this song, which is catchy AF. Also now that I’ve googled him and seen that he wrote a buttload of #1 hits for other singers including Sugar for Maroon 5 and Boyfriend for Biebs, I feel really bad for calling him a one hit wonder. Keep up the good work, Mikey!

17. White Houses- Vanessa Carlton. The minute you hear those piano keys, you know that the palooza has ended. Sorry guys…It’s all too sweet to last.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/20/15

1. Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton win runner up in July’s front page celeb divorce race. 

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If we’re going to rate the level of shock I was feeling at this announcement it’s probably falling around a 6, whereas my Ben/Jen shock level was at an 11. Ever since these two got married there’s been rumors of a divorce so that kind of paved the way for preparations. Don’t get me wrong they’re cute as shit together and it sucks that this happened, but in the wise words of my mother when she saw them at the Grammy’s together one year “Those two are going to get divorced right? They both seem like they want the spotlight and that doesn’t work in a marriage.” (Obviously she was forgetting about One Tree Hill…Naley <3, popstar+pro athlete=always&forever) ANYWAY it just seemed like maybe it wouldn’t really work out. RIP. Here’s hoping for some kickass breakup tunes from Miranda. Too soon?

2. Twitter Beef City, Population: Everyone. So like MTV, music videos and the PRESTIGIOUS VMA’s became relevant again this week in a big way as Nicki Minaj hopped aboard the WAHmbulance and tweeted mad shade because her music video full of buhholes (for a song that was a Baby Got Back remix) did not get nominated for video of the year. Anyway her complaint was that girls with donks don’t get no VMA love and Taylor was like excuse me but there’s no need for girl on girl hate and Nicki was like pshhh you’re not getting my point that I didn’t very clearly make in 160 characters or less and then the internet was like NICKI AND TAYLOR ARE PLOTTING EACH OTHER’S MURDERS when in reality no one was really mad at each other. They both luh and respect the other and made nice on twitter and Taylor told Nicki that she could TOTES join her onstage when she wins (cause she will.) Oh and also Katy Perry was like FOMO guys I need to also be included in this so she tweeted something incoherent with a lot of big words. Bai Katy. Go back to being a cheeto forever.

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Ed Sheeran and Bruno Mars (also best video of the year nominees) had a fake twitter feud to be like HAHA girls are stupid, let’s make fun of their petty internet fights. If you’re asking me for my opinion (which I assume you ALWAYS are) Ed deserves the W for video of the year. He learned how to ballroom dance like a BO$$ for this music video and it’s CRAZY good.

Although I feel like I recapped that fight flawlessly for those who missed it…you may reference the actual tweets below (well…the ones that haven’t been deleted, I’m looking at you Tay PR) for the full picture.

OH part 2 of twitter feuds this week was in the rap world, Meek Mill (I think Nicki Minaj’s other half?…apparently date night for them is calling people out on Twitter) got all up in Drake’s biz and ranted about how he hates him or something and that he uses a ghostwriter, which I’m not positive but I think using a ghostwriter in rap speak is like the biggest diss in America or so it seems. Also Meek’s pretty pezzed that Drake was featured on his album and didn’t also promote it on social media. Drake responded the best way possible…with radio silence. Drake OBVIOUSLY wins. Also if he does use a ghost writer I don’t want to know. I’d like to blissfully live in a world where a man who wears colorful knit sweaters also wrote this: “I got money to blow, letting these bills fall all over your skin.”

3. Miley to host the VMA’s. 

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No seriously, I wasn’t kidding when I said the VMA’s suddenly became relevant again this week. Miley announced she was hosting in a very typical ughhhh Miley way and I’m not even a little bit kidding when I say that I might not be able to stomach an entire awards show with this tongue-out trashmonster at the helm. Not even for the blog’s sake. Never forget: the epic N*SYNC comeback being OVERSHADOWED by Miley and Robin Thicke porking onstage to Blurred Lines. So instead of encouraging this…I will bring us back to what was once good about the VMA’s and this is how I will get through my afternoon in the cube.

4. Brett gives us a tasty lick and other new tunes. Preview of new music from Brett Eldredge who I would looooove to have “just a taste” of. Too much? Too little? Just enough? Listen here. MKTO also snuck out a new banger pre-release style and it’s good shit.

5. If Kelly Clarkson sings Bye, Bye, Bye without choregraphy, did it even happen? JK I’ll cut her a break because she did a slower version but actually…how does one sing the words bye, bye, bye and not at least do the hand part? It’s physically impossible. Not to brag but I did this number for karaoke in my last week of college and yelled crushed it at the end as I threw the mic back to the DJ. Why did I crush it? Because I did the choregraphy. Duh.

BONUS: The Broadway version of Full House is a thing that’s happening and I’m getting all the uncomfies just from the cast pic:

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Makes perfect sense that Michelle is the same age as her Uncle Jesse and also what’s so funny Deej?

And because I could never end on that note and leave you with Full House porn nightmares…please enjoy this super cute fat face baby pic from hunk Scott Eastwood.

#TBT to when I woke up like this. #makemyplayday #babyeastwood #bluesteel #chubby

A post shared by Scott Eastwood (@scotteastwood) on

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