JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 8/10/20

1. Wild SURPRISE.

 

 

John and Chrissy premiered this new music video and REAALLYY hyped it up probably because they announced a baby on the way in it. The song is good, the video is romantic enough to make me want to stab my eyes out of my head and also go horseback riding because honestly that’s one of those things that’s been on my bucket list for like FIVE YEARS NOW and still I HAVE NOT MOUNTED ONE SINGLE HORSE. Yeh, I know how bitter I sound. WuTeVeR. You can watch the whole video above and enjoy it if you’re not a single bitter betch yearning for a romantic horse riding date like me OR you can just peep the money shot below:

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Reports coming out that she was pregnant were VERY apprehensive at first. A lot of “reportedly” or “fans claim” being tossed around because neither John nor Chrissy confirmed it via the spoken word. I’m guessing NOBODY wants to be assuming that a female is pregnant from a little stomach shot. And honestly, it would kind of be a Chrissy thing to do to wait for everyone to report it and then be like YOU ARE ALL SCUMBAGS, I’VE JUST GAINED A LITTLE WEIGHT FROM MY LATEST COOKBOOK FULL OF CHEESY BREADS AND PASTAS. But fear not, as of press time, she had confirmed that we were not all just rudely fat shaming her. Congrats, yo.

 

2. BabyBabyBaaaayyybayyyyy.

 

 

So I guess this is like the new thing? Posting a pic of everyone’s hands instead of a baby photo. Not only is it selfish but also kind of unoriginal too. Looking past the fact that all I want to set my peepers on when a baby is born is their squished up, red, grandpa looking face–mad props for this name. Well, mad props for the Lyla Marie part. She probably could do without a MONSTER of a last name like Schwarzenegger AND Pratt. Just pick one, don’t torture the girl. I’m HOPING that they’re not doing the celebrity thing where they hide their children for the rest of time so we never get a glimpse, because I gotta feeling this one’s going to be a cutie. I mean look at that hand. WOOOOO, Gerber baby.

3. Kane Brown is rly dumb.

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NO clue why this is news this week because apparently it happened TWO years ago?! More importantly, what was happening two years ago that this WASN’T big news. But either way, Kane Brown moved onto a 30 acre property surrounded by 3000 acres, decided to go explore his new property on a four wheeler with a couple of buds sans cell phone. Three hours later it started raining and was getting dark and his friend’s cell phone was dying so he used his one lifeline to call ANOTHER buddy to come find them. Seems bulletproof. Two more bozos roll up and then all five of them are lost and apparently someone is shooting at them in the dark, deep woods. They then call the cops and get rescued. So Kane Brown I guess took this time to speak out about this incident to clear the air so people would stop joking about how he called the cops because he got lost on his own property and HONESTLY I’m not SURE that this makes me want to razz him any less. In fact, I think i want to razz him A LOT MORE. Who goes out into unknown woods without a cell phone or consideration of weather and what time of day it is? Who then uses precious phone battery to call ANOTHER friend to come to this unknown land where he is most obviously lost? I mean, LOTS of wrong turns here and all of them make me want to point and laugh at KB. The friend who was called to come to his rescue and in conclusion just added more to the lost pack, felt the need to speak out via his instagram and tell everyone to quit LAUGHING.

 

 

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Just sayin ūüėāūü§ėūüŹľ

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“It’s obvious none of y’all been lost in the woods before.” YA, NO SHIT. I HAVEN’T BEEN LOST IN THE WOODS ON PURPOSE. I just sent a snapchat of a creature squawking/meowing/maybe barking(?) outside of my window and demanded that the 4 of my friends I sent it to let me know what was making that sound immediately. Apparently I think I’m friends with Jack Hanna. Either way, I’m comfortably inside and have the barrier of a whole ass home and I’m terrified of what this mystery animal is capable of. I can’t even begin to imagine being in the open woods with it. No fucking thanks. The minute that sun set I would’ve been speed-dialing 911 and sending up a smoke signal to get me the hell out of there. One time I did a sunset hike and didn’t fully think through that the sun would be SET by the time I’d be descending the hike and it would be pitch black. I’ve never run down a mountain faster thinking of all the snakes and forest creatures lurking. God the outdoors are the WERST. Anyway, no one is making fun of getting lost in the woods here…that shit sounds terrifying. I think the actual moral of the story in this week’s edition of I’m an a-hole rich person, is don’t buy a buttload of land if you can’t handle it. You better be Mr. Mountainman to go exploring without anything but an ATV. Otherwise, you end up looking like this:

 

Also, considering 99% of country songs are about being ONE with the wilderness and all about that hunting, fishing, drinking beer in the woods life, KB might need to sit one out on the country charts for penance until he can learn to be a backwoods boy. I don’t think there will be any hot country singles detailing getting lost in the woods behind your 30 acre property and calling the cops because your friend’s asthma was getting bad. JUSSSS SAAAAYYYINNNNN. Luke Bryan better help a brotha out before it’s too late.

4. I’m So…Scared

 

 

I haven’t been this scared for a reboot to ruin my childhood since Fuller House debuted. I mean, seriously, with the leaning HEAVILY into the old jokes and shitty show premise just to bring back nostalgia. This Saved by the Bell reboot is headed straight for the Fuller House cheese factor. It’s a giant stinky cheese, and the worst part is that they’re using a very limited amount of footage to make these teasers because they got shut down for COVID and never even got to film any Zack and Kelly. It’s desp and I don’t love it. One of the GOAT episodes of Saved by the Bell is OBVIOUSLY when Jessie gets addicted to caffeine pills and ruins Hot Sundae’s chances of becoming recording artists. (Ask me if I know all the words to Go For It by Hot Sundae, obviously I’ve had it in my iTunes since Limewire days.) That doesn’t mean I watched this trailer and was like HAHA good one, I better tune into this reboot. No. Now I just want to go back to the good old days of the hardest drug in school being caffeine pills and an entire NBC commercial campaign against smoking weed. There’s NO HOPE WITH DOPE. This show CANNOT exist in today’s heroin heavy, TikTok hoochie dance high school world. Let it live in the gloriously naive 90’s. Don’t bring it back. PLZZZZZ. Now hit it, gurls~ 1, 2, 3, BEND–1, 2, 3, STRETCH!

 

 

5. Miley Week.

 

Miley Cyrus is ALL UP IN YO’ headlines this week because her and Cody Simpson broke up, she’s got a new song and directed the video herself. Also she went on Call Her Daddy-Barstool’s sex podcast that had a very dramatic comeback this year after the hosts demanded all the money in the world to talk about their raging sex lives once a week on a pod–so obviously everyone is talking about that as well. I heard Miley say on Elvis Duran this morning that she wanted the video to feel like a night out with Debbie Harry at Studio 54. And yep. That v. accurately describes this disco vid full of nudity, a bleach blonde mullet and red lips. Nailed it, Miles. (Though it certainly cannot compete with a declaration that you have wet ass pussy amongst a bunch of tigers.) The song is fine. What I’d really like to commend her for is basically using her relationship drama to boost her music. When she filed for divorce from Liam we got Slide Away, which gave us some juicy deets and a dramatic live performance and now that she’s shaking Cody loose, we get a girls night out jam. Nothing will ever compete with Party in the USA obviously, but hat tip to Miley for staying relevant through everyone’s thirsty need to be a part of her love life. But also, maybe just kick it single for a while? Like kinda sounds like you’re in a good place and don’t need a man or woman, so just take a beat. That’s my unsolicited advice. Also, the only headline to come from Call Her Daddy so far is that she lost her virginity to Liam at 16. That’s the opposite of a tasty treat of sex deets. I think everyone pretty much assumed that he snatched your V card with the way you two went on and off for 10 years before finally getting married for about 5 mins. Must’ve been a good first time, TBH.

 

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 8/12/19

1. Lover.

Typical Tay, dropping 15 singles off of her album before the album officially comes out and then there’s like one song we haven’t heard yet from it. Coming off of a moody “The Archer”, this is a bold move to release another deep, slow tune. And let’s not pussyfoot around this, it’s basically her proposing through a song. So obviously, the bitter love-hating bitch that I am, I immediately wanted to be like nope, not for me. But then she warmed my cold dead heart, as only mah gurl T can do, and I was a puddle by the end of it. Obviously the best lyrics are “my heart’s been borrowed and yours has been blue, all’s well that ends well to end up with you.” It ain’t even a competition. What a wordsmith she is. And I’ll save you the quick google search because all I did was look up the lyrics and I saw 9898239802 articles titled “All of the references to Joe Alwyn in Taylor Swift’s new song.” OH YOU DON’T SAY?! The song she wrote about loving someone forever is about the guy she’s been dating for 3 years?! GET OUT OF TOWN. Also if you really wanna go down a rabbit hole (which I always do), look up the lyrics on Lyrics Genius and see that Taylor is such a boss that pretty much every song she writes is tied in some way to another song she’s written. HOW DOES HER BRAIN WORK?! Anyway, enjoy loving love with this new song and cue the countdown to her and Joe’s engagement.

2. The Last Song.

Miley going toe to toe with Taylor this week, except her song is about her marriage falling apart. YOIKES. After I saw Miley twerking in Lake Como on Saturday captioning it “living her best life”, I was like hm something is fishy here–that is a cookie cutter I’M SINGLE NOW post. Then the statement was released that her and Liam are separated and even though I was out drinking at the time, I took it upon myself to scoop everyone in my contacts list on the news. Felt good. Not only because scooping others on celebrity gossip is a high like no other (even when they don’t care) but also because I’ve been V. vocal about the fact that Liam is too good for Miley and I hated them together. I did start to back off on my hate parade once she calmed down (maybe she heard Taylor’s song before it was released?) and then they got married. But obviously one can only mask their partying ways for so long. As she documented herself getting after it in George Clooney’s hometown, it came out that she was smooching it up with Kaitlynn, formerly Jenner but not really because they were never legally married. Stay with me here, folks.

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WHICH IS SUCH A LOOK AT ME MOVE. I will bet my left tit that these two were mixing up some vodka sodeys on this yacht and were like, wouldn’t it be hilarious if we made out and everyone would go WILD?! And then they did. And everyone did. Brody had some introspective post then said he and Liam Hemsworth would be holding hands on the beach, Miley clapped back with the anthem for sluts this summer: #hotgirlsummer and while all of this Hills drama was happening…I was meeting Audrina.

Probably bigger news than those two ratchets making out honestly and that’s why I couldn’t let it slip under the radar. We didn’t talk Justin Bobby and for that I will always be disappointed in myself, but I did get to witness her get on the mic and go “If you know the Hills, you know this song” in dumb Audrina speak and then bump Natasha Bedingfield’s “Unwritten” into a sea of white drunk people who don’t know the words to a song from 2007 that was best known for playing in the background of LC driving a convertible around LA. What a time to be alive.

3. Boy Meets Baby Robot.

First of all, lolz to the fact that this fuzzy Brillo head looks exactly the same. Second of all, don’t post pics of your kid if you don’t want anyone to see their face. That makes LITERALLY no sense to me and I can’t get past the robot emoji. I’m like ohhh cute pic DID YOU BIRTH A ROBOT?! It was shocking and not in a good way. So kinda took away the aw’s for me to be honest. But either way, you know that I’m true to all 90’s nostalgia and couldn’t let this one slide by, especially because I’ve just added a Boy Meets World graphic tee into my rotation and I’m pretty excited for its debut. Cory & Topanga 43v3r.

4. Megan Not-so-FOXy

Ferrari's 60th Anniversary In The USA Gala

My boy David Silver went on KFC Radio this week and shared a nice little tidbit that Megan Fox basically begged him to date her and it wasn’t until she was like I guess I’ll go find someone else that he was like NO, WAIT! CLAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCCCC guy move. Apparently he wasn’t over his previous relationship yet but like she should probably just wait until he’s ready to date, right?! He then quickly realized he was being a douchenozzle and agreed to date her. Look, I’ve openly admitted on more than one occasion that I don’t get the Megan Fox obsession. I mean yeah, she’s pretty but people like want to die a thousand deaths for how hot she is and I’m just like meh. Alright. Like let’s not be stunned by the fact that he wasn’t interested right away. Maybe they went on a date and he was like damn she’s not funny at all. (Cough cough: when she did that stint on New Girl I wanted to poke my eyes clean out of my head because it was so unfunny and terrible and basically all she does is play the hot girl in anything.) Do I sound jealous? Probably and I’m ok with that. While we’re on a rampage here, the 90210 reboot STIIIIIIINKS. Sorry, guys. Carry on.

5. The Fall of Katy. Again.

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You know. After I met Katy, we sang a worship song, ‚Äúopen the eyes of my heart‚ÄĚ She was cool and kind. When other people were around she was cold as ice even called the act of kissing me ‚Äúgross‚ÄĚ to the entire set while filming. Now I was pretty embarrassed but kept giving my all, as my ex was busy cheating on me and my daughter was just a toddler, I knew I had to endure for her sake. After the first day of shooting, Katy invited me to a strip club in Santa Barbara. I declined and told her ‚ÄúI have to go back to hotel and rest, because this job is all I have right now‚ÄĚ So I saw Katy a couple times after her break up with Russel. This one time I brought a friend who was dying to meet her. It was Johny Wujek‚Äôs birthday party at moonlight roller way. And when I saw her, we hugged and she was still my crush. But as I turned to introduce my friend, she pulled my Adidas sweats and underwear out as far as she could to show a couple of her guy friends and the crowd around us, my penis. Can you imagine how pathetic and embarrassed i felt? I just say this now because our culture is set on proving men of power are perverse. But females with power are just as disgusting. So for all her good she is an amazing leader, hers songs are mainly great empowering anthems. And that is it. I continued to watch her use clips of her music videos for her world tour and then her dvd, only highlighting one of her male co-stars, and it was me. I made around 650 in total off of teenage dream. I was lorded over by her reps, about not discussing a single thing about anything regarding Katy publicly. And a couple interviews they edited and answered for me. So, happy anniversary to one of the most confusing, assaulting, and belittling jobs I‚Äôve ever done. Yay #teenagedream I was actually gonna play the song and sing it on ukele for the anniversary, but then as I was tuning I thought, fuck this, I‚Äôm not helping her bs image another second.

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It seems like Katy Perry has been on a rollercoaster only careening toward the ground basically since this song came out. She had feuds with Taylor Swift, became a judge on American Idol, went out on tour but her tickets ended up on Groupon, and now everyone’s accusing her of sexual assault and stealing music. Even dressing up as a hamburger and hugging Taylor Swift in YNTCD couldn’t save her. The male star of this video, Josh Kloss, just decided to use the 10 year anniv of the song to be like hey I’ll never celebrate this dirt-ass song because while I was starring in the video Katy was a total B, said kissing me was gross, and then also ripped my pants off at a roller skating rink and showed everyone my wiener. Not a great look, KP. Song still bangs though.

 

 

And if you want to feel like Miley and Kaitlynn (and every other young ho) this weekend… HERE YA GO:

Not gonna lie this song is catchy as hell even though it doesn’t inspire me to bang strange all summer long.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 1/18/16

1a. Zac Efron Week

Bad Grandpa (the movie where Zac shows off his abs and then some) premieres today and therefore pReSs WeEk for ya boy Zac. He grinds that leather-bound package all up on Ellen, sends a casually insensitive MLK tweet with the black fist bump emoji, and then the Neighbors 2 Trailer debuted, where he looks like a human ken doll. WHAT A WEEK!

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I woke up like this @jimmykimmellive #dirtygrandpa

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1b. High School Musical Reunion

One thing that apparently Zac couldn’t carve out some time for (because he was busy getting paid millions to flex his six pack) was join the rest of the cast of nobodies (literally, they admit it in the above vid) for the 10 year High School Musical reunion. Guess we’re not all in this together, hmm Zac? ZING. The fact that they had the balls to call this a reunion with a mere video message from Zac where he blows a kiss¬†is just downright embarrassing. But I’ll let it slide because everyone but Vanessa is hurtin for a paycheck and a little screen time. HSM gave us a lot of sexually confused boys who couldn’t choose between a mediocre basketball team and drama club and I will forever be grateful. Especially since I got home just in time for the final Breaking Free number Wednesday night and got to see Zac twirl all over the joint in a harsh whoutfit.

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2. J.Fall Kills It

To promote the musical Hamilton, Jimmy Fallon pops off with a bajillion flawless musical impressions. Seriously, he’s a freak. For some reason when I was little I could do Celine Dion’s accent when she said “me and my best girlfriends.” It’s weird, but I nailed for like probably one solid year before I lost the ability to do my best diva French-Canadian voice. It was fleeting, but that’s the closest I’ve ever gotten to being good at impressions. Therefore, I respect them that much more.

3. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. WHY?!?!

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Knope3

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4. This guy’s a dad.

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Louis Tomlinson and his baby mama/”friend” brought a son into this world last night. Not sure how realistic it is to raise an infant and tour the world with a boy band, so even though they haven’t officially announced that they’re dunzo…goodbye 1D…you now have a DAD in the group. YiiiiiiiiKez.

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5. Mariah third time’s a charm Carey.

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James Packer, the fourth richest man on the ENTIRE CONTINENT OF AUSTRALIA, put a heavy ass rock on Mariah’s finger. I’m guessing this guy’s a step up from baby super-fan Nick Cannon but who knows how long he’ll put up with Mimi and her notorious a-hole personality.

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Pop Culture

Sexiest Man ALIVE?

His hair looks like a wig.

His hair looks like a wig.

Here’s the deal, People. I get it that your Sexiest Man Alive award is coveted every year and the announcement is a big to do…but I call bullshit on it. That’s right, you heard me, I’m calling bullshit on the Sexiest Man Alive. The bitterness of that statement is mostly on principle alone that not once has People acknowledged the ACTUAL sexiest man alive, Ryan Gosling. Yeah that’s right…this may have been an argument years ago but it wasn’t over. AND IT STILL ISN’T OVER. They ignored the whispers when he became everyone’s dream man in The Notebook, they drowned out the white noise when he sparked the creation of the “Hey Girl” memes, and finally when he flawlessly hoisted Emma Stone into the dirty dancing lift in Crazy Stupid Love, shirtless, People put their blinders up. Yeah, he’s totally not Sexiest Man Alive material.
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I was willing to let it slide because they have featured some pretty boys (I mean Ryan Reynolds is a close second to RyGos, plus he happened to marry my number one girl crush so there’s that…) but this year’s crowning has got me all in a tizzie again. I can’t be the only one who realized that they chose the less hot brother in a family of attractive brothers, right? Like I may be ranting about it but we were all thinking it…Liam is way hotter. Yeah, he might’ve had a lapse of judgement when he dated and then PROPOSED to Miley Cyrus but it’s obvious that she was wearing her Hannah Montana wig for the few years that they were together, and then once she abruptly took it off and became tongue out, bleached buzz cut, twerking Miley, he was like SHIT time to cut my losses and run. So we can all forgive him for that. My forgiveness ends there. It’s not like Chris Hemsworth is more famous than Liam…they both are leading men in huge movie franchises currently…they’re both buff with Australian accents, one just happens to be married with kids, how wholesome of People to choose that one.
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There’s also already been backlash that this was the year of Chris Pratt and he was robbed of the title. Although I’m not as voracious in fighting for Chris as I am for Ryan, I can’t disagree. Chris is the all around guy-next-door media dream. He cracks jokes, he posts gym selfies, he’s married to straight up goon Anna Faris and if you watched that video of him french braiding an intern’s hair while doing an interview I think you know why he deserved it. What a guy. Does Chris Hemsworth know how to braid hair? I rest my case.
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Unrelated observation: I don’t see Leonardo DiCaprio on this list….he just turned 40 and he’s still a smoke…what a slap in the face. He gets Oscar snuffs left and right and you can’t even hand him a cover for being downright sexy? Brad Pitt was crowned twice, George Clooney twice, even JOHNNY DEPP got a twofer. That’s suuuuuper embarrassing. Time to clean house, People…if you’re looking for someone to come on board and have strong opinions about today’s hot famous men, I think I know of someone who’s looking for employment…call me, beep me, if you wanna reach me. (When ya wanna page me…it’s ok.)
See Full List below:

1985 Mel Gibson 29

1986 Mark Harmon 34

1987 Harry Hamlin 35

1988 John F. Kennedy, Jr. 27

1989 Sean Connery 59

1990 Tom Cruise 28

1991 Patrick Swayze 38

1992 Nick Nolte 51

1993 Richard Gere (1) 44

1995 Brad Pitt (1) 31

1996 Denzel Washington 41

1997 George Clooney (1) 36

1998 Harrison Ford 56

1999 Richard Gere (2) 50

2000 Brad Pitt (2) 36

2001 Pierce Brosnan 48

2002 Ben Affleck 30

2003 Johnny Depp (1) 40

2004 Jude Law 31

2005 Matthew McConaughey36

2006 George Clooney (2) 45

2007 Matt Damon 37

2008 Hugh Jackman 40

2009 Johnny Depp (2) 46

2010 Ryan Reynolds 34

2011 Bradley Cooper 36

2012 Channing Tatum 32

2013 Adam Levine 34

2014 Chris Hemsworth 31

 

(Via Wikipedia…the bible of the internet)

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