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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of February 3, 2020

1. Feel Good Friday.

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(1/11) “It was just a normal morning. Almost exactly five years ago. I was making tea in the kitchen. Bobby was still in bed. And we get this knock on the door. I opened it up slowly, and saw the police standing there. At first I wasn’t worried. We had this crazy lady that lived next door, and the police were always checking up on her. So I assumed they had the wrong address. But the moment I opened the door, twelve officers came barging past me. Some of them had ‘FBI’ written on their jackets. They went straight back to the bedroom, and walked up to Bobby. I heard them ask: ‘What’s your name?’ And he said, ‘Bobby Love.’ Then they said, ‘No. What’s your real name?’ And I heard him say something real low. And they responded: 'You've had a long run.' That’s when I tried to get into the room. But the officer kept saying: ‘Get back, get back. You don’t know who this man is.’ Then they started putting him in handcuffs. It didn’t make any sense. I’d been married to Bobby for forty years. He didn’t even have a criminal record. At this point I’m crying, and I screamed: ‘Bobby, what’s going on?’ Did you kill somebody?’ And he tells me: ‘This goes way back, Cheryl. Back before I met you. Way back to North Carolina.’”

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It’s very rare of me to highlight a non-celebrity warm and fuzzy but this one was all the buzz this week and ties into the pop culture world because Jennifer Garner, who has created quite an Insta presence for herself, was commenting all over this, eating this shit right up. And if Jen loves it, we all love it. Humans of NY is an account that highlights regular ass people just trollin around that big, dirty city and gives us their usually heart-warming story. This one was a real nail-biter and had to be delivered in 11 parts. (Click on the insta name to see full story because I’m not about to be posting 11 instas in this blog) In summary, Cheryl and Bobby were married for 40 years, had four children together and the entire time Cheryl had no clue that Bobby was really Walter and a fugitive of the law. NBD. Cheryl loves Bobby anyway and forgave him, teaching us all a very important lesson: there are few Cheryls in this world and you better snatch that shit up and lock her down because anyone who stands by her mans after finding out he is LITERALLY a different person is the true definition of a ride or die. Or, in the words of Jennifer Garner “Cheryl is the American Wife. I can’t even take it.”

2. Surprise Baby.

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Remember that project I said I was working on…? The one I told you was my favorite thing I’ve ever been apart of and it killed me to keep it a secret from u…?? Welp, @meganparkitthere and I have kept it to ourselves long enough. Everyone… meet the newest member of our crew, our daughter, Winnie Hilton. 🥰🥰🥰 It feels like we’ve known her our whole lives already and being her Dad the most natural thing I’ve ever done. To say I’m obsessed doesn’t quite do it justice. Meg was incredible, both she and Winnie are doing great, and just like that…we’re a family!! So heads up, go ahead and click Unfollow if you’re NOT interested in seeing me go full Dad on here for awhile… cause that’s what’s going down haha. Until the next record… which even then might be a kids record!! IM OBSESSED!

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One Tree Hill’s very own Chris Keller and The Secret Life of the American Teenager’s very own Grace had a surprise baby. At first I was like WHAT THE HELL she’s been posting and she never once looked pregnant how did she keep this under wraps?! Then I realized that when you’re a D list celebrity doing hallmark movies, it’s really very quite simple to hide a pregnancy. I learned this when I saw a headline that said Tyler Hilton and Megan Park are actually married. And I laughed so hard. Favorite part about the ole celebrity surprise baby…no one even knew these two were married and they have been since 2015 lololololol. CONGRATS ON YOUR BABY AND MARRIAGE, GUYS!!!

3. Barf All Over Me.

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I’m not even a little bit exaggerating when I say that I blew chunks all over my keyboard as soon as I feasted my eyes upon this travesty. I’ve shaded Post Malone a whole lot because I genuinely don’t get everyone’s fascination with him. He looks like he needs 100 showers and smells like a bong and is COVERED in tattoos and he basically just auto-tune sings about partying or being single. Syracuse likes to claim Posty as their own because he was born here even though he moved away before he was 10. SO that’s already embarrassing. And then on top of that everything that he does everyone is like OMG POST MALONE IS SO COOL AND HILARIOUS AND TALENTED. Well guess what. HE NOW HAS A BLOODY SAW ON HIS CHEEK. I had to choke back vomit actually typing that. Catchy music or not, I’m out on the face tat game, ESPECIALLY ones with DRIPPING. BLOOD.

4. Jacob in the Kissing Booth with Zendaya.

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Remember when I watched the Kissing Booth 900 times in one summer and wouldn’t stop talking about it to everyone I knew? Refresh your memory HERE . Most of the reason I loved it so much was because babe soda Jacob Elordi was dating Joey King IRL and it was such a precious love story. Obviously as adorable love stories do, that died real quick and I vowed to never watch the Kissing Booth sequel because obviously they would break up in the movie as well and I can’t handle anymore heartbreak. Well now Jacob stars in Euphoria and wouldn’t you know he’s dating his costar from the show, Zendaya. SHOWMANCE WHORE, MUCH?! I guess I’m still a little bitter about Elle and Flynn not making it for the long haul. Either way, what’s hilarious about Zendaya and Jacob dating is that they could not have denied it harder. When asked they were like, we’re just BFF’s, nothin to see here folks! Zendaya even went as far as doubling down that he’s like a brother to her.

Now I don’t have a brother, so please feel free to educate me on this matter, but do brothers and sisters make out on the streets of NYC? You can report back to me on that.

5. Weekend Beatz.

Lots of new music drops today that had my hips a’movin and I felt like why not just share them as a group so you can all groove into the weekend? We’ve got Meek Mill and JT. Never really been a fan of Meek, especially after Drake murdered him in a rap battle. #Neverforget Trigger fingers turn to Twitter fingers. But it’s JT. And apparently he took some time off of cheating on Jess to hit the studio and lay down some soulful croons with a guitar in a shirt that said “Did you miss me?” Uh yeah bitch, we did. Drop a new album, STAT.

Then we’ve got a little country flavor from ya boy Sam Hunt–I use the term country loosely of course because it’s Sam and he likes to insert hip hop flavors.

And last but certainly not least, a little ditty from Niall Horan about the joy of being in a relationship when you can fart in front of each other. Since I love music videos (and being disgusting), and Niall went from being the only 1D member with braces to this babe soda–he deserves his moment to shine.

 

BONUS: Don’t F**k With Cats: Hunting an Internet Killer

I know I’m late to the party because this came out over a month ago but I really didn’t want to ruin my holiday season with murder–just kidding, I was too busy telling anyone who would listen to me that Scott Peterson is innocent to really focus on any other murders at the time. I’m a one murder truther at a time kinda gal. So anyway, since I’ve been plowing through the entire Netflix library at lightning speed lately, I knew that Cats was next on the watch list. I obviously dropped a hint during TV time with the roomies so that I wouldn’t have to watch alone and be scared–there are far too many windows without curtains in my house. And so my dad and I fired it up this week and watched all three parts in one sitting. In the words of John Green (internet murder hunter) HOOOOOOLY SHIT this story was insane. I nearly crapped my pants in the last few minutes when they tie everything together. I will toss in the disclaimer that I don’t advise watching it before bed as I scampered upstairs and asked my parents if I could sleep in their room…but fortunately I did survive the night and now I can obnoxiously push it on everyone who hasn’t watched yet. Also, prepare yourself for someone who spent all of her free time on the internet with a fake name, manhunting a murderer, keeping files and spreadsheets on him and going down google maps streets to find the location of photos–to turn everything on you at the end and tell you that your interest in true crime docs is how murders happen. BOLD. So basically I’m responsible for LOTS of murders according to “Baudi Moovan”. K. Watch at your own risk, I guess.

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Music, Television, Uncategorized

AMA’s 2015 Recap

I gave this show a LOT of shit last year because Pitbull, obviously. Fortunately for everyone, Mr. Worldwide must’ve had prior commitments to wear white capris elsewhere and didn’t even show last night. (Along with Taylor Swift, Calvin Harris, Miranda Lambert, JT, Beyonce…etc. But whose really keeping track?)  No but actually, it appears the only attendees of last night’s awards show were fans who paid thousands of dollars to go, and the handful of winners/performers. I still found ways to laugh at the 10 celebs that were there though…so let’s dive in.

No, Thank You:

-The intro begins with JLo ruining Waiting For Tonight by singing a slowed down, sexed up version in a furry Navajo jacket surrounded by offensively dressed Indians(?) Then she declares it’s not about her (or the decision to wear these costumes) and shakes dat ass with the Redskins to a medley of nominated songs. At one point the furs are shed and what’s left is a bunch of nude body suits with target tattoos located on the dancers’ vaginas. You know, real classy stuff. THIS LASTED 8 MINUTES.

-Prince doesn’t go anywhere without his axe. Or his third eye.

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-If I wanted to see fans sing the wrong words at a concert, I’d go to one. Celebs were sitting like 20 rows back and the audience cam continuously panned to boring strangers. Tay and the seat dancing squad was SORELY missed. (Hailee Steinfeld tried to pick up the slack and came up real short.)

-Selena looked FAB during her performance, unfortunately I can’t say the same for her vocals. Or her backup dancers who looked like knockoff Magic Mikes with Aladdin pants.

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-Hey you know that shitty song that turned a singer into a verb for doing it? Well Charlie Puth sang it terribly then Marvin Gayed Meghan Trainor onstage and we all had to watch uncomfortably while they got it on.

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-FGL can’t go anywhere without wearing something outrageous and last night didn’t disappoint. The pilgrim hat meets the fivehead. Seriously though, it’s in Tyler’s best interest to start styling his receding hairline differently.

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-There was a real extreme close-up of Nick Jonas’s mouth while he was singing and it was disappointing to learn that he has barf.com teeth, therefore taking him down a peg or two on the hot scale. Mouth closed, shirt off from now on, pls.

-Coldplay + DANCING GORILLAS. Hey, guys, you sing soulful power melodies…you’re not the Grateful Dead tripping acid onstage. Stop scarin us.

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-JLo progressively gets more and more naked as the night goes on and after seeing this number below, I predicted that she would close out the show in pasties.

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-Even though Karen Fairchild was wearing F. Me boots, it didn’t distract me enough from the GARBAGE song she sang with Luke Bryan that was essentially the country version of “Lemme Take a Selfie”

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-The HIGHLY ANTICIPATED Clueless reunion was really just Alicia Silverstone and Jeremy Sisto introducing Gwen Stefani. Way to really oversell that one.

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Yes, Please:

-1D’s array of mid-show fashion. Liam’s red vest. Niall’s lace shirt. HARRY’S flower bolo, flared leisure suit and SPARKLE BOOTS.

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-Stars they’re just like us! JLo has the greasiest of hair after her 8 minutes of dancing in culturally insensitive garb to the point where they definitely were forced to wash her hair during a commercial break.

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-Frankie Grande was like Ariana who? and made himself the centerpiece of the show from the third row. He was closer to the stage than any celebrity and he made sure we all knew it. He dances in the aisle, bops around and at one point when the camera pans to Nonna Grande, Frankie jumps right in front of her. Nona doesn’t deserve fame like Frankie does.

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-R.I.P Meek Mill. He was being DESTROYED on social media all night and then Nicki went and thanked Drake before him in her acceptance speech. Bye, Meek.

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-Nick Jonas changes things up with a church choir singing Jealous (and a lickworthy drum solo).

-While Macklemore did some slam poetry about medicine next to a guy with the skinniest tie I’ve ever seen, the audience was preetttyy unsure of how to groove, resulting in the funniest new dance move of the night: white guy jazz hands.

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-Alanis has still got it 20 years later! Shit. Demi and her teamed up to growl about Dave Coulier and it was fabulous. Alanis hasn’t missed a beat since the 90’s.

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-Celine sings a tribute to Paris in a beautiful gown. Not to take anything away from the lovely performance but I miss Celine. A lot. And I’d like to petition for her to perform “It’s All Coming Back To Me Now” at the next awards show because I know it would be electric. All in favor say “I finished crying in the instant that you left.”

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-I hate Bieber with the fire of a thousand suns but I know when it’s time to respect the fact that it’s his world and he knows it. He did “Sorry” splash waterfalls style and literally lip-synced right in everyone’s grillpiece in wet jeans that I can only assume resulted in chafing.

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Winners:

Soul/R&B Album- The Weeknd

Pop/Rock Duo or Group- One Direction

Country Male- Luke Bryan

Soundtrack- Pitch Perfect 2

R&B/Hip-Hop Album- Nicki Minaj “The Pinkprint”

New Artist of the Year- Sam Hunt

Pop/Rock Female- Ariana Grande

Country Female- Carrie Underwood

Collaboration of the Year- Justin Bieber Skrillex & Diplo

Alternative Artist- Fallout Boy

Rap/Hip-Hop Artist- Nicki Minaj

Soul/ R&B Male- The Weeknd

Artist of the Year- One Direction

 

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/20/15

1. Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton win runner up in July’s front page celeb divorce race. 

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If we’re going to rate the level of shock I was feeling at this announcement it’s probably falling around a 6, whereas my Ben/Jen shock level was at an 11. Ever since these two got married there’s been rumors of a divorce so that kind of paved the way for preparations. Don’t get me wrong they’re cute as shit together and it sucks that this happened, but in the wise words of my mother when she saw them at the Grammy’s together one year “Those two are going to get divorced right? They both seem like they want the spotlight and that doesn’t work in a marriage.” (Obviously she was forgetting about One Tree Hill…Naley <3, popstar+pro athlete=always&forever) ANYWAY it just seemed like maybe it wouldn’t really work out. RIP. Here’s hoping for some kickass breakup tunes from Miranda. Too soon?

2. Twitter Beef City, Population: Everyone. So like MTV, music videos and the PRESTIGIOUS VMA’s became relevant again this week in a big way as Nicki Minaj hopped aboard the WAHmbulance and tweeted mad shade because her music video full of buhholes (for a song that was a Baby Got Back remix) did not get nominated for video of the year. Anyway her complaint was that girls with donks don’t get no VMA love and Taylor was like excuse me but there’s no need for girl on girl hate and Nicki was like pshhh you’re not getting my point that I didn’t very clearly make in 160 characters or less and then the internet was like NICKI AND TAYLOR ARE PLOTTING EACH OTHER’S MURDERS when in reality no one was really mad at each other. They both luh and respect the other and made nice on twitter and Taylor told Nicki that she could TOTES join her onstage when she wins (cause she will.) Oh and also Katy Perry was like FOMO guys I need to also be included in this so she tweeted something incoherent with a lot of big words. Bai Katy. Go back to being a cheeto forever.

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Ed Sheeran and Bruno Mars (also best video of the year nominees) had a fake twitter feud to be like HAHA girls are stupid, let’s make fun of their petty internet fights. If you’re asking me for my opinion (which I assume you ALWAYS are) Ed deserves the W for video of the year. He learned how to ballroom dance like a BO$$ for this music video and it’s CRAZY good.

Although I feel like I recapped that fight flawlessly for those who missed it…you may reference the actual tweets below (well…the ones that haven’t been deleted, I’m looking at you Tay PR) for the full picture.

OH part 2 of twitter feuds this week was in the rap world, Meek Mill (I think Nicki Minaj’s other half?…apparently date night for them is calling people out on Twitter) got all up in Drake’s biz and ranted about how he hates him or something and that he uses a ghostwriter, which I’m not positive but I think using a ghostwriter in rap speak is like the biggest diss in America or so it seems. Also Meek’s pretty pezzed that Drake was featured on his album and didn’t also promote it on social media. Drake responded the best way possible…with radio silence. Drake OBVIOUSLY wins. Also if he does use a ghost writer I don’t want to know. I’d like to blissfully live in a world where a man who wears colorful knit sweaters also wrote this: “I got money to blow, letting these bills fall all over your skin.”

3. Miley to host the VMA’s. 

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No seriously, I wasn’t kidding when I said the VMA’s suddenly became relevant again this week. Miley announced she was hosting in a very typical ughhhh Miley way and I’m not even a little bit kidding when I say that I might not be able to stomach an entire awards show with this tongue-out trashmonster at the helm. Not even for the blog’s sake. Never forget: the epic N*SYNC comeback being OVERSHADOWED by Miley and Robin Thicke porking onstage to Blurred Lines. So instead of encouraging this…I will bring us back to what was once good about the VMA’s and this is how I will get through my afternoon in the cube.

4. Brett gives us a tasty lick and other new tunes. Preview of new music from Brett Eldredge who I would looooove to have “just a taste” of. Too much? Too little? Just enough? Listen here. MKTO also snuck out a new banger pre-release style and it’s good shit.

5. If Kelly Clarkson sings Bye, Bye, Bye without choregraphy, did it even happen? JK I’ll cut her a break because she did a slower version but actually…how does one sing the words bye, bye, bye and not at least do the hand part? It’s physically impossible. Not to brag but I did this number for karaoke in my last week of college and yelled crushed it at the end as I threw the mic back to the DJ. Why did I crush it? Because I did the choregraphy. Duh.

BONUS: The Broadway version of Full House is a thing that’s happening and I’m getting all the uncomfies just from the cast pic:

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Makes perfect sense that Michelle is the same age as her Uncle Jesse and also what’s so funny Deej?

And because I could never end on that note and leave you with Full House porn nightmares…please enjoy this super cute fat face baby pic from hunk Scott Eastwood.

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