JUice

Weekly JUice

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Week of 8/31/2020

1. Perfect Baby.

God I’m so sick of talking about babies. But it’s Ed. And he doesn’t even use social media. He’s completely off the grid and popped back on to announce a surprise baby and obviously this is big juicy news regardless of if I’m sick of the Hollywood baby boom or not. Plus he decided to post a photo in color of some very drab looking socks and blanket. Would I have preferred a peep at this baby to see if she inherited his bright orange hair? OBVIOUSLY. But is this better than another black and white hands grasping or baby feet complete lack of creativity? YES TIMES A MILLION. Now onto that name…Lyra Antarctica Seaborn Sheeran. Again, much like Chris Pratt…why are we punishing these children with two last names? WITH A MIDDLE NAME LIKE ANTARCTICA? This is a crime. Lyra means harp which I guess is fitting for a musician. It’s not the worst I’ve ever heard like ANTARCTICA is. Honestly I don’t even know how to spell that. I had to google it to find out what exactly it is so I could properly reference it (I’m growing dumber by the second, deal with it.) It’s a continent, geography lesson for us all, and let me double down that there is no worse way to tell a child where you conceived them than to name them after the place. NO child should be burdened with the thought of their parents having relations on vacation to make them from birth. Uh uh, not cool.

2. Chadwick Boseman.

This news came through Friday night and honestly I didn’t want to kick of this week’s news with a death even though this was huge shocking celebrity news. For the entirety of his career, Chadwick has been battling colon cancer privately. That is NUTS. Think about the toll that cancer takes on someone’s body. Then think about what working on a movie would look like. Add in an action movie. He’s doing all of this strenuous work, getting his body into physical shape, long hours, then he’s going out in public on a press tour for each movie. That’s EXHAUSTING and he was doing it all while secretly dealing with cancer destroying his body. Since I’m uncultured and don’t watch many movies outside of the Netflix rom com bubble, I hadn’t seen any movies that Chadwick was in. So I can’t speak to his acting abilities or say that I’m super familiar with his work. From what I’ve read he was a good guy all around visiting children with terminal cancer to spread positivity and make their day when he was struggling himself. And more recently he posted a picture looking sick and was immediately jumped on in Internet comment-land for having a drug problem because of his appearance. It’s a tragic loss no matter how you look at it and if you’ve figured it out by now, I’m not so eloquent with the words when it comes to serious things. So as always, I’ll defer to the things that I found people sharing about his death that I found really moving and important to share.

3. Adele ya dead?

Ya mon. (This joke will hit with the very specific crowd that loved Cool Runnings as much as I did growing up.) I looked up this picture and 100% expected it to be deleted because obviously it received a lot of backlash. I think I respect Adele even more knowing that she left it up and said F off to the Jamaican haters. First of all, this is the most direct and obvious “I’ve lost probably 100 lbs and my body is in the best shape of it’s life” flex. Girl posted a bikini shot with a side of a casual “missing this event” caption. It’s like when someone posts a bikini shot in February and is like MISS THE SUMMER. THIRST TRAP CITY. Except that Adele’s version of a thirst trap also includes some questionably cultural appropriation hair knots. People were mad online about this Jamaican themed Adele. How dare she be white and dress like this?! And I’m like how dare her stomach be this flat?! Like this comes right back to the fact that she’s probably on a VERY strict diet and I ate a hamburger with an egg and cheese on top of it last night so this level of fit is completely out of reach for me. Anyway, you don’t have a Jamaican headline without Hanx’s son Chet poppin out of nowhere to pipe up. You may not know Chet, as he is only famous for being Tom Hanks’ wayward son, but let me refresh you on some of his work:

As a resident whitey offending the Jamaicans, he has responded…

Listen, at this point I’m thoroughly enjoying this. This is one of the more ridiculous things I’ve blogged and I feel great about it. We needed a break from the babies before I became a full-blown mommy blogger and this is EXACTLY the break we needed. Adele just wanted to show everyone how she’s lost weight virtually everywhere but her knockers and shout out her Jamaican buds in a tasteful fashion forward move and now she’s poked the bear. The bear being Chet the Jamaican clown who I can assure you embarrasses Tom Hanks by his existence. Like think about how wholesome and Dad-like Tom Hanks is. When someone tells an off-color or mildly offensive joke at an awards show, this is his reaction:

hanx

WHAT IS HIS REACTION WHEN HE LISTENS TO HIS SON SPEAK IN A JAMAICAN ACCENT?! Need to know. Until then, FEEL THE RHTHYM, FEEL THE RHYME…

4. Back to Babies.

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Me…and my two favorite guys 💙💙

A post shared by Emma Roberts (@emmaroberts) on

Again, you know how I feel about all of the baby news as of late but that’s not going to stop me from reporting it. When a celeb gets knocked up, you’ll hear it from The Salty Ju and that’s for damn tootin. ESPECIALLY when it’s a good ole fashioned oops baby. Last week we talked about Zayn and Gigi’s oopsie, this week it’s Emma Roberts and Garrett Hedlund. These two have been dating for about a year and a half and the People article that I read announcing the pregnancy said a “source said they were keeping it casual and just having fun.” Nothing casual about a baby! Welcome to the real deal, folks! PS, related but not really related…Emma previously made headlines for being in a toxic relashe with Evan Peters and being engaged. Their dirty laundry was getting aired with their several breakups and then Evan Peters went on to date Halsey (perhaps he has a thing for the complicated ladies?) but either way, you can’t believe everything you hear and yet I don’t think it comes out of thin air either. Jus sayin…

5. Channing Does Children’s Books.

We get it, Chan. You can do it all. You’ve got the dancing, acting, sense of humor, buff body and now you’re just an adorable girl dad who wrote a freaking book called Sparkella. Yawn. You’re just the perfect beef sammy catch, dad of the year. I mean seriously is this picture just designed for panting single (or maybe not single but v. sex deprived) moms? “Here’s what I’m thinking guys, I do dress up like I’m a 6 year old girl, but then I also make sure everyone has a clear shot of my ‘ceps and pecs.” SOLD. As someone who has just written a book (like I wrote all of the words on my own and didn’t work with an illustrator to fill pages with pictures) and have seen how it’s virtually impossible to get a book published excuse me if I’m a little bitter that a celebrity got bored and was like Ho-Hum guess I’ll just write a book and then everyone will buy it immediately because I’m hot and famous. As I send a text to my sister asking if she’ll take a topless pic of me to promote my book… Can’t hurt, right?

BONUS: Just doing my civic duty, keeping you up to date on the comings and goings of the rap music video world. And Present Day Justin Bieber playing Past Life Justin Bieber. Self awareness is key in H’wood. Couldn’t tell you who is more annoying in this music video, JB or DJ ANOTHA ONE Khaled. Tough call.

And more importantly, my biggest accomplishment of not only the summer but probably my life…becoming a biker that shouts ON YOUR LEFT to get idiot people out of my way. It was a huge step for me and took about 5 different people sneering at me or telling me I “needed to speak up” when biking out in the wild. So now I scream it at the top of my lungs and scare everyone off of the path. ASK AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE.

@thesaltyju

My full transformation into Lance Armstrong this summer in quarantine. #probiker #bikeseason #onyourleft #beachcruiser #Spooktember

♬ original sound – thesaltyju
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Music, Playlist

Bitch, I’m Limited Edition.

This is for anyone who’s having a day (or a life) where they’re feeling down about themselves and need a quick reminder of just how awesome they are. I need this reminder more days than most but let me tell you, a quick rotation of songs that tell me how hot, cool, funny and unique I am, songs that remind me that I can do anything that I put my mind to? That shit works. Just listening to one of these songs gives me a burst of confidence and self-love so there’s no telling what I’ll do after a whole playlist full. Coincidentally, feeling insecure or defeated can sometimes come with a breakup, therefore I’ve peppered in a few dust yourself off breakup songs that I’ve enjoyed and related to over the past year as well. If you’re not going through a breakup, this playlist will still make you do a high kick and want to stunt all over your haters. Regardless of where you are in life, hopefully these songs will reinforce that you’re the bomb.com. OWN IT, ho. (I use this as a term of endearment, I’m really on a hot streak with it ever since I learned via The Last Dance that Michael Jordan repeatedly called his teammate a ho while bullying him to be a better player. MJ might have intended for it to be mean, but it made me laugh and therefore I’m normalizing ho as a name we can call our friends when we’re keeping it real.)


ME! – Taylor Swift Ft. Brendan Urie. Some might say because of my years-long obsession with Taylor Swift and anticipation of this single, I related to it a little TOO hard when it was finally released. I jammed out to it every chance I got and then to take it an annoying step further, would use it as an excuse for why I am the way that I am. If I did something obnoxious that would illicit an eye roll, I would immediately back it up with  well, you can’t spell awesome without me! No one enjoyed it but I felt like it embodied the awkward weird girl who may struggle with confidence and need a reminder sometimes that there’s no one out there like me and THAT’S WHAT MAKES ME GR8! Thanks, Tay. I mean, the song literally starts out with I know that I’m a handful. Like did she write it about herself or about me? So for anyone whose a real dramatic disaster mess, that’s what makes us FUN!

All I Do Is Win – DJ Khaled Ft. Ludacris, T-Pain & Snoop Dogg. This is an all-around feel good jam coming from a place of over-confidence. If you’re ever looking for someone who toots their own horn, look no further than a rapper. They will have no trouble telling you about all of their money, cars and women lining up to bang them. And sometimes, that’s just what you need. You need to believe that you’re rolling in money, winning every single day, even if you’re very unemployed and living with your parents. I’ve used this song on one of my other playlists but it deserves a repeat. Plus, we just taught my 3 year old niece the chorus and I’m happy to give her another opportunity to show her madd skillz in throwing her hands in the air–UP DOWN, UP DOWN, UP DOWN. PS no hotter opening flow than LUDACRIS GOIN IN ON THE VERSE CAUSE I’VE NEVER BEEN DEFEATED AND I WON’T STOP NOW. You TELL EM, Luda!

Bathroom Floor – Maddie & Tae. Here’s a post breakup joint that I discovered while dabbling around YouTube and I’m so glad I did. Although it directly references crying from a breakup, I think it can be applied to anytime you’re knocked down. Get up, wash your face, put on a fab outfit and hit the town. Obviously this doesn’t apply in the current state of affairs but as soon as the world opens back up again, you best be getting up off that bathroom floor, gurl. Also, can confirm this is a great song to dance to.

I Love Me – Demi Lovato. It’s possible that the release of this song is what became the catalyst for making this playlist. Ya girl Demi has BEEN through some shit in the past couple of years and is very open about her struggles, so when we she released “Anyone”, her first song in over a year, about basically her lowest point, it was a very emotional song to listen to (may or may not have cried in the shower a couple times to it.) But then her follow up song is THIS. And I’m like GO OFF, QUEEN. It shows just how easy it is to get into down in the dumpster lows, but you have to remind yourself why you’re great to pick yourself up out of those lows. SAY IT WITH ME: I’m a ten out of ten even when I forget! Basically Demi managed to put a therapy sesh in song form, and for that I am grateful.

Soulmate – Lizzo. Lizzo busted onto the scene a year or so ago in a BIG way. I’m not referring to her size, I’m referring to the size of her confidence, which is what made her so infectious. I could’ve easily put every single song off of her album on this playlist because they all spout self-love, acceptance and badass confidence. There’s a reason people can’t stop captioning their selfies with her lyrics (guilty as charged.) She’s full of catchy one-liners to describe feelin’ ourselves. This song reminds us that if you don’t love yourself first, you’ll be hot garbage in a relationship. Lizzo puts it much more eloquently, of course. For example, “I know I’m a queen but I don’t need no crown.” Tysm, Lizzo.

Love Myself – Hailee Steinfeld. I added this knowing full well that it’s a controversial tune, but it’s 2020 baby, time to embrace it. This song is 1000000% about masturbation. Like there’s no dancing around it, the lyrics are plain as day, this gurl is DJ’ing in her bed singing about how she don’t need a man to orgasm. That being said, it’s a fire song and just so perfectly fits this theme. Although it may be nice sometimes to have somebody else in bed, do you really NEED them? Hailee says no. SCREAM YOUR OWN NAME! Ok, I’ll stop making you all uncomfy now.

***Flawless – Beyonce ft. Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. For anyone who’s not already a fan of this song, this is going to be weird to listen to because of all the soundbytes Yonce decided to toss in. Between the announcer voice at the beginning and end and ya gurl Chim giving a Ted Talk on feminism, it’s a lot to handle. But IN THE BEST WAY. This song is powerful as hell and gave us the cocky as shit phrase “I Woke Up Like This.” As soon as this album dropped and all of her pink font merch was appearing, I raced to the closest Etsy page selling knockoffs (I’m not about to pay full inflated price for a black tee with pink letters ironed on–that’s robbery) and ordered myself a tank top that just said FLAWLESS across the boobs. The first tank I received had a hair ironed into the letters. I cried. But when I received the replacement, I wore that tank constantly, usually unshowered and looking less than flawless–something my dad was all too pleased to point out. And you know what? I just flipped my hair and screamed BOW DOWN, BITCHES.

Not 20 Anymore – Bebe Rexha. Beebz has taken a lot of heat through the years about her “curvy” body. Obviously she’s petite & skinny and probably has a six pack but she also got an AZZ on her. As someone who busted a hole in clothing items twice in a six month span just because baby got back, I can very much relate. Bebe has been outspoken about what size she is after designers refused to make her red carpet looks because she’s a size 10 and has tried to create a platform around body positivity for the youths looking up to her. I saw her perform live last summer and was blown away by the amount that girl was dropping it low and bopping all over a stage like it was going out of style. At one point her backup dancer literally kicked her but those thicc thighs of hers were ready to take the hit. So praise her and her body confidence and beating out all insecurities women have about getting old. Twenties are for insecure losers, the big leagues start at 30 when you age like a fine wine and feel comfy in your skin. (I’m using her lyrics to tell you this, because I’m not yet 30 and therefore a very insecure loser…fingers crossed next year I’ll be like OMG YES 30 is the greatest age alive rather than feeling old as dick.) Shoutout to Bebe for also dropping this heater on her 30th. Typically I hate when girls post thirst traps, like we get it, you’re hot (eye roll) but I liked that this was a big FU to everyone who calls her fat. Check out that fAT AzZzZZ.

 

You Need Me, I Don’t Need You – Ed Sheeran. I think the best part about this cocky “I’m the best” song is that it was one of the first songs Ed even released. He wasn’t the superstar he is now, he was an unknown UK singer/rapper, couch surfing and he’s like I don’t need any of you, I’m THE stuff. And he wasn’t wrong. I like that kind of fiery hot confidence right out the gate. It shows you that confidence is nothing more than telling yourself you’re awesome and then trying to convince others the same. Sounds so easy, right? He was basically Babe Ruth calling his shot on becoming a massively famous musician, selling out stadiums. And then he made it come true. Let that be a lesson, y’all. Also, Ed’s always been a wordsmith but hands down one of his greatest lines comes from this song right here–they say I’m up and coming like I’m f*cking in an elevator. Boom. Roasted.

Limitless – Jennifer Lopez. Shows you just how much of a megastar JLo is that she made this song as basically a throwaway for one of her movie soundtracks and it slaps this hard. I’ve written about this song before because I wanted her to perform it in the Super Bowl, so I don’t want to be repetitive for my super fans who read all of my blogs, but this is just a classic pump yourself up lady jam. Not saying guys can’t enjoy it too but there’s something about “I am a woman who roars” that seems to resonate more with the ladies. If there’s ever a doubt about if you can do something, look directly to JLo for inspiration. She’s 50 and THRIVING, Mama. Never give up.

Nightmare – Halsey. Coming off the high of being limitless, I decided to toss in this bangpiece that doesn’t necessarily directly relate to confidence boosting but should get you real fired up. It’s a little on the dark side, but that’s what we love about Halsey. She’s gritty and she isn’t afraid to tell you to F off. This is a GREAT song to scream sing in the car, I can attest to POPPING off more than once to I DON’T OWE YOU A G-D THING. What a rush that is to tell someone off, even if it’s just the inside of your vehicle.

How To Be Lonely – Rita Ora. Sprinkling in another post-breakup tune that I’ve enjoyed jamming to. Puts a real positive spin on the rock bottom feeling that heartbreak serves. It’s like when people say they feel free after a breakup. Like, I lost a human being who loves me, but now I can really focus on myself and do whatever I want. The bitter bitch in me wants to roll my eyes at things like that, but I’m trying to be less bitter so I’ll give Rita a chance here. Maybe the benefit of losing someone is that you learn to get comfy with being lonely. I’m not QUITE there yet, but I’ll keep working at it and bopping along to this sick beat.

Fight Song – Rachel Platten. Another war cry for anyone who just wants to stop trying. YOU’VE STILL GOT A LOT OF FIGHT LEFT IN YOU. So stop being a wiener and start being a warrior. I think that’s probably what Rachel was trying to say when she wrote this song.

Up – Thomas Rhett. I know this playlist focuses heavily on the *strong and sassy, independent women* tuneage, but I wanted to make sure I was including great male songs too even if they are far outnumbered–it’s only natural that I relate more to the female variety. TR gave us this positive track off his last album and it’s literally impossible to have the Debbie downer feels while listening. Life’s just a big ole rollercoaster and if you’re down right now, get ready to go up. I of course am still waiting for my ride to the top but TR has taught me to appreciate it more when I finally do get there because I REALLY know what it’s like to be in the pits. Seriously, any day now. I am ready and waiting for that skyrocket UP.

Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You) – Kelly Clarkson. Kelly Clarkson started her career on single girl anthems and that’s probably exactly why she became a megastar. She kicked that curly-headed f*ck Justin Guarini to the curb and was all Miss Independent. If she didn’t let From Justin to Kelly ruin her career from the very start, what doesn’t kill you truly does make you stronger.

Strip Me – Natasha Bedingfield. I’m not gonna let Natasha only be remembered for creating a song that will forever be tied to LC driving her Mercedes with the Hollywood sign in the background. This is a lesser known Natasha song but a whole lot more powerful than soundtracking a scripted reality show with “the rest is still unwritten.” Obviously she didn’t write the song with Lauren Conrad in mind, but you get the point. It’s another casual feminist anthem about always having a voice. So even if you lose everything else, they can never take your voice. Even if you use it to talk shit about celebrities and put out playlists on the internet.

Titanium – David Guetta Ft. Sia. This counts as another male appearance on the list even though Sia carries the song. This is the almighty goal here–no, not to physically have a robot body–but to care so little what people think or say about you that it just deflects off of you. That’s supreme level confidence and self-love that you don’t give a flying F what people think about you. Fire away, FIRE AWAY!

Castles – Freya Ridings. I heard this song on the radio this past fall and it was a day where I was thinking about how much everything sucked, feeling defeated and it was one of those rare moments that you don’t really get anymore (sorry radio, but you’re a dying medium for music discovery) where a song comes on randomly and it’s exactly what you need to hear. I remember feeling a surge of energy and relating the lyrics back to my broken heart as we all do when we’re being dramatic and feeling all the feels. Oh, what’s that, you’re doing great without me WELL I’M GONNA BUILD CASTLES AND BE MORE THAN YOU EVER THOUGHT I WAS. It was all I needed to feel better in that moment as I told off the pedestrian crossing in front of my car through song. Again, still working out the kinks on building that castle, it’s possible I need a few more rotations before I can really take action on that. But when I finally do, it’s over for you hoes.

Headlines – Drake. Again with the theory that no one brags on themselves better than rappers. Drake has basically made a career out of talking about how great he is, of course sometimes it comes at the expense of others–RIP Meek Mill. This is a throwback to OG Drizzy because I just love to point out when people are “overdosed on confidence” right from the start. It also gives me the opportunity to remind everyone of 2015 when I had an app that just responded to texts with Drake lyrics and boy was that a time to be alive. I wrote a whole blog on it because I too, was overconfident in my early blogging days, writing blogs where I literally texted myself for hours to get the right graphics. Check that out HERE for a giggle and a reminder that every once in a while it’s important to say something douchey like, “drinking every night because we drink to my accomplishments” to remind everyone around you what a boss you are.

Hold On – Wilson Phillips. I mean there really are no words to describe this classic and it’s timeless message. Other than imagining Kristen Wiig and Maya Rudolph interpretive dancing the chorus in bridesmaids dresses, you should also let the ladies of Wilson Phillips tell it like it is. They understand that life is a dumpster fire sometimes but you just hold on for one more day. And that’s all you really need to remember from this playlist. Having confidence or self love isn’t going to stop bad shit from happening, sometimes you just gotta fake it til you make it and keep waking up each day ready to fight. Whoa. Did I just get real deep?! You bet your ass I did. We all need a boost sometimes. I hope that this collection of tunes for the soul helped even just a little bit.

Also, not for nothing, but I listened to this playlist on my first attempt at a 15 mile bike ride the other day and it was a REAL rough situation between bugs, pollen, heat and going against the wind and there were several times I considered just sitting on a bench for a while or walking my bike back to my car and giving up, but quite literally every single song on this playlist pushed me to keep going. So even if you have confidence through the roof and you’re crushing life all day erreday, at least you know that this playlist can push you through a shitty workout where you want to throw up and die. YA WELCOME.

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Music, Red Carpet, Television

MTV VMA’s Red Carpet 2016

Every year when the back to college blues hit, MTV really hammers it home with the VMA’s. An annual reminder that I’m too old for this shit. I don’t know who half of the rappers and singers are that youths are listening to these days, and I’m forced to endure 3 hours of buhholes and Kanye “bro” West free speech–just so I don’t have Twitter FOMO. To make up for this full night of garbage TV, I’m going to judge red carpet outfits real hard.

WORST

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Red Carpet

Ariana may be nailing all the 90’s kewl kid trends these days with the off the shoulder and choker, but that hair and the way too long biz slacks are really buzzkilling it.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

I legitimately was shocked that Fat Joe was still alive. Joe Crack the Don is looking scary as ever in those pastel blue pants.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards, Arrivals, Madison Square Garden, New York, USA - 28 Aug 2016

What happened to our sweet little JoJo in boys suck graphic tees?

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Red Carpet

YIKES, Nick. Yikes.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

Remember when Cassie was in Step Up 2 the Streets? Lolz.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

This is the VMA’s, not the Met Ball Ansel

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

Naomi’s dress is an actual chair cover.

MTV Video Music Awards 2016

I would pay lots of money to see a chick wear these shoes downtown at the bars and watch her try to walk in them.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

We get it, Joe Jonas. You’re edgy now that you sing about sex. The leather overalls are just unnecessary though. Loveralls.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

I guess MTV awards is the exact place to make this statement since they made Nev famous but like also no one knows who his girl is, so this kind of defeats the purpose of going balls to the wall and showing up to a red carpet topless and about to deliver any second.

BEST

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

Don’t understand a damn thing this bro sings/raps/whatevers but this jacket is fire.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

It took me a minute to get used to this but I’m down now. It’s fun and her nips are covered, which is hard to find on the VMA’s red carpet.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

HASHTAG FINAL FIVEEEEEE. But seriously they all look adorbs and age approps.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Red Carpet

Could’ve done without the slicked hair but Heidi looks like she’s a supermodel or something in this mini.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

All the respect for Alicia Keys rolling through with no makeup (and still looking better than me with a full face of makeup) as well as using her actual bomb ass singing voice onstage, amidst a show full of shitty lip syncers. Real recognizes real.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

Major key: Khaled makes the best dressed solely because he’s not wearing slides with another one printed on them. (read: my standards are rock bottom)

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

I never thought this day would come, but Nicki actually looks good and her buhhole isn’t hanging out.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

Brit looks okay, this jabroni with the open velour shirt can kick rocks right out of here though.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

I’m woman enough to admit when Kimmy K looks good and bitch looks good here.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

Yeah, Nick get IT with that chevron!

2016 MTV Video Music Awards, Arrivals, Madison Square Garden, New York, USA - 28 Aug 2016

Giving a lot of bro love today for their fresh patterned jackets.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Red Carpet

If we’re being honest I think Blue’s outfit crushes Beyonce’s but IT’S NOT A COMPETITION, GUYS.

And since I refuse to dedicate a whole blog to recap here are my tidbits:

-Was there a host? If the host was supposed to be Key & Peele, they clearly have no gauge on when to ditch a bit that was drowning from the beginning.

-The VMA’s should just come out and advertise as the Lip Sync Awards because it’s actually embarrassing how many dance medleys happened with no effort at all to appear like they’re singing. (COUGH COUGH BRITNEY & RIRI)

-Rihanna may have been awarded with the video vanguard (and “performed” too many times to count) but Beyonce was the real winner of last night with her Lemonade medley that brought white girls to their knees.The only thing that could’ve made it better was Jay onstage feeling Queen B’s fur coat wrath.

beyoncebat

-Halsey and the Chainsmokers guy are definitely banging, also they ruined my new fave song of the summer by showing us what their live voices sound like.

-Rihanna could not care less that Drake is so obsessed with her. Seriously, he was like I’ve been in love with you since birth and she was like thanks for the speech, bro.

And lastly, HASHTAG ART.

F:PHOTOMediaFactory ActionsRequests DropBox3000#Tv CaptureSNAG-001176.jpg

Even though you couldn’t physically see my face when I watched this video, pls know that my eyes rolled directly out of my head and down the block.

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Playlist

Millennial Beat Laboratory Mix

Any time I find myself in a bar with a DJ (every night, obv) I always cross my fingers that they start spinnin’—or have on their iTunes playlist—some beats from the 2000’s, aka my prime gangster days. Hanging out with the girls on the basketball team upped my street cred by a trillion because they always had rap on their workout mixes and I was all in for pretending to be cool. Now that I no longer have these influences and listen to a lot of country, my G factor has rapidly decreased but every once and a while I like to toss it back to a time when I knew rap lyrics, yo.

Paper Planes (Remix)- M.I.A. Generally speaking this song has a lot going on and SHOULD hurt your ears, but instead it turns into a gleeful game of cocking a fake gun and pulling the till on a fake cash register. Furreals tho, don’t F with M.I.A cause she’s got mad blunts and more records than the KGB.

Kewlest Lyric: No one on the corner has swag like us

Forever- Drake Ft. Eminem, Lil Wayne, & Kanye West. This is a rare gem of a song because please explain to me how you could ever get these four rap giants together now. You can’t because Drake’s busy salsa dancing to Hotline Bling, Em is doing commercials, Weezy is on and off dating Christina Milian and probably playing daddy to her kid (yikes) and obviously Ye is running for president and trying to keep up with those darn kardashians. This song will live forever in infamy for bringing the gang together, only thing missing is Jay.

Kewlest Lyric: Last name ever, First name greatest. Obviously.

Girlfriend (Remix)- ‘N Sync ft. Nelly. Obviously N*SYNC is the best band in history but when you add a little Nelly into the mix and a music video with everyone wearing knit caps, it really adds a lot of flava to an otherwise whiny song about how much they want this girl to date them. Kudos for them integrating the rap flawlessly and even throwing it back to their other top singles with “So tell your man bye-bye and tell him you’re long gone.”

Kewlest Lyric: I put ya so high on a pedestal, it might make ya nose bleed, So much ice around ya ankles, and watch ya toes freeze

hatsonhats

Get Your Freak On- Missy Elliott ft. Nelly Furtado. Every song Missy tossed out in the 2000’s was phenomenal but this one takes the cake when she remixes it with Nelly and we learn that a woman stuttering the word “get” can be so effortlessly kewl.

Kewlest Lyric: Who’s that bitch?-Me me! Nelly Nelly Nelly Furtado all in your stereo 

Ignition (Remix)- R. Kelly. Usually I don’t do this (support R. Kelly because he’s creepy) but go ahead and break em off wit a little preview of the best remix ever. Seriously this song is an all-time great, one might say the world’s greatest (wink.) On the other hand, thinking about a guy with a sexual criminal record saying he’s going to stick his key in my ignition…not so much.

Kewlest Lyric: Sipping on coke and rum, I’m like so what I’m drunk, It’s the freaking weekend baby, I’m about to have me some fun (Ultimate weekend AIM away message)

Lose Yourself- Eminem. Probably one of the first songs that I learned all the words to by playing it on repeat for weeks straight. Eminem could be a little scary sometimes, like when he was rapping about fans who killed their pregnant girlfriend for him but this is just a squeaky clean (sort of) song about rappers stage fright. Also not for nothing, but ralphing up mom’s spaghetti on yourself sounds like a giant mess.

Kewlest Lyric: Success is my only motherfucking option, failure’s not

Forever- Chris Brown. Mark my words, this is the only Chris Brown song I will ever wholeheartedly support and love, and I think that’s all that needs to be said about this. And also did he ever picture it getting a second wind from a bunch of white people dancing down the aisle to it for YouTube? Just wondering.

(I don’t want to point out any of these lyrics because they’re nice things to say to a girl you love and I can’t picture Chris Breezy saying any of these thing ever.)

Ride Wit Me (Explicit)- Nelly. I don’t know what 90% of the lyrics in this song mean. Naturally that doesn’t stop me from trying to sing along and pretending that I too smoke L in the Benz.

Kewlest Lyric: And can I make it? Damn right, I be on the next flight. Paying cash; first class – sitting next to Vanna White

All I Do Is Win (feat. T-Pain, Ludacris, Snoop Dogg & Rick Ross)-DJ Khaled. Another all-star cast of characters collaborating on a song that brings out my inner G. Emma Stone agrees, of course. Half of the rappers on this song don’t even make music anymore because we live in a world where Nicki Minaj makes millions rapping about her buhhole. But whatevs, cause all I do, all I, all I, all I, all I do is win.

Kewlest Lyric: My hands go up and down like strippers booty’s go

emmastone

Let Me Blow Ya Mind- Eve ft Gwen Stefani. Gwen has been a troubadour of all genres bopping around from 90s grunge rock to pop to hip-hop. One time my friends and I got our hands on some High School Musical wildcat temporary tattoos and put them on our boobs just because we wanted to be like Eve. It’s an unrelated story but also when am I ever going to be able to insert that into a blog. We were obv tatting ourselves for the midnight premiere of HSM 3:Senior Year. Did I mention I wasn’t cool in high school?

Kewlest Lyric: Don’t fight that good shit in your ear, Now let me blow ya mind

Money Maker- Ludacris Ft. Pharrell. I mostly added this song because it’s one of Luda’s more random songs but also because the lyric “let me give you some swimming lessons on the PENIS” makes me laugh out loud every single time. Essentially the whole thing is Luda rapping cringeworthy dirty talk and Pharell toning it down with his smooth beats.

Kewlest Lyric: You… you lookin’ good in them jeans, I bet you look even better with me in between. Yiiikes Luda.

Low- Flo Rida ft. T-pain. An iconic song for millennial fashion. Fun fact: one of my friends in high school owned a spicy pair of crocs with fur lining at the height of crocs fame and another friend expertly changed the lyrics to “apple bottomed jeans, crocs with the fur” just for her and I can never unhear that.

Kewlest Lyric: Shorty was hot like a toaster

Live Your Life- T.I. ft. Rihanna. Ah, a rap song with morals which is rare, especially for bad girl RiRi. What’s even better is T.I. is babbling about how he’s above all this rapper feud nonsense and then ended up in jail like 2 years later for gun stuff.

Kewlest Lyric: Been thuggin’ all my life, can’t say I don’t deserve to take a break. Same, T.I., same.

Touch The Sky- Kanye West Ft. Lupe Fiasco. This song holds a special place in my heart because I made a choreographed dance to it with my friend then tried to show it to my sister the very first time I got drunk in her college dorm. I didn’t know what being drunk was really, all I know is that I usually nailed the dance sober and after I had a drink, I stubbed my toe on the chair I was using as a prop and almost fell over. Ah, so young and naïve to the joys of booze and it’s ability to make me looser on the dance floor. Regardless, this collab was cool because Lupe made Kanye more fun/catchy and less into Jesus’ crucifixion.

Kewlest Lyric: I think I died in an accident, cause this must be heaven.

What’s Luv- Fat Joe Ft. Ja Rule & Ashanti. An avid and vocal supporter of the Ashanti & Ja dream team, it felt right to end with them, even though it also includes Fat Joe trying to tromp his way in for a threesome.

Kewlest Lyric: Ass is fat, frame is little, Tattoo in your chest with his name in the middle

fatjoeashanti ja

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Music, Playlist

Summer Palooza 2k10

Let’s dial it back to the summer of 2010 when I was a mere infant at the beginning of her college career (sigh), with an actual 3 month break from school for a bullshit job and fun in the sun. Those were the dayz. Let’s also laugh at the songs that my sister and I thought were the shit that year.

1. Summer Sunshine- The Corrs. This was an original summer palooza tradition, beginning with this song and ending with White Houses (of course.) After a while we phased out The Corrs and kept Vanessa but I could still probably listen to this song on repeat. It was also a staple AIM profile addition…for example In the heat of the summer sunshine, I miss you like nobody else ☀ or ….xx…To sweet beginnings and bitter endings…xx… (for 8th grade graduation probly)

2. Misery- Maroon 5. Maroon 5 used to be full of bangers and I distinctly remember making this my ringtone at one point on my maroon (no coincidence) colored enV2. Could I have been cooler than answering a call-most likely from my mother-to the tune of Adam Levine wah-wahing? Probably not.

3. Magic- B.o.B ft. Rivers Cuomo. This tune got a quick revival via Pitch Perfect and the Treblemakers but it’s still fire flames. Pair a rapper (that we pretty much never heard from again) with the hipster lead singer of Weezer and you’ve got MAGIC.

4. All I Do Is Win- DJ Khaled (feat. T-Pain, Ludacris, Snoop Dogg & Rick Ross). This was probably the first rap song that I really NAILED, Emma Stone lip sync style. I can still impressively spit Luda’s verse. #StreetCred Also DJ Khaled’s got CONNECTS bringing this star powered posse together on one song.

5. Letting Go- Sean Kingston Ft. Nicki Minaj. Want to really annoy the shit out of your friends? Play the first 5 seconds of this song on repeat. My friend did that to me once while I was driving and I almost murdered him right there in my vehicle. I could probably go the rest of my life without hearing HEYO SEAN, YO MISTA KINGSTON ever again. BUT how gr8 is Sean Kingston that adorable Jamaican chubster?

6. Summer Town-Third Eye Blind. Obligatory, if you are a band and release a song with a summer theme, you land a spot on the palooza. Also I’m a sneaky 3EB fan. I’ve seen them twice in concert, I should probably add that I paid no more than 15 dollars to see them either time. Anyway, this is more of a chill by the bonfire flavor.

7. Love the Way You Lie- Eminem (Ft. Rihanna). This song is some heavy shit and obviously every time I hear it I suddenly turn into a rage-filled white rapper who throws her hands around like a G. No regrets. I distinctly remember this music video because it had Megan Fox in it and she got the shit beaten out of her aaand then her house was set on fire NBD. This came out right after Chris Brown cold-cocked Rihanna, which made it even more intense. I felt like that was a necessary sentence to type because I’d like to remind everyone that Chris Brown is a terrible human and kind of skated away from that whole domestic violence thing. Catchiest lyric goes to: Now you get to watch her leave out the window, guess that’s why they call it window PANE.

8. Mine- Taylor Swift. This is a top T Swizzle song for me because it’s just adorbz. Girl meets boy, girl has commitment issues, boy is like I’ll never leave you, and they live happily ever after. Isn’t love supes easy breezy?

9. Beautiful Monster- Ne-Yo. I think this was a desperate add-on. Clearly we were searching for songs here. Anyway, CLUB BEAT$ from ya boy Ne-Yo here where he compares a woman to monster…but she’s beautiful. What a wordsmith.

10. Dynamite- Taio Cruz. This song made repeating every word you say totally ok, ok, ok, ok. It IS a feel good jam about just having a fabulous night, which I can always support, support, support, support.

11. Undo It- Carrie Underwood. Carrie is Queen of revenge breakup songs, which is odd considering she’s been in a really healthy relationship for like her whole career. But I digress, bitch wants to undo the relationship, which is like the biggest diss. Bye Felicia.

12. I Like It- Enrique Iglesias ft. Pitbull. Ah another club beat except where Dynamite was all about good clean fun, this song is about cheating on your significant other on the weekends. Your boyfriend’s out of town so he doesn’t even have to know, lawls, please let me penetrate you under the strobe light with sweaty bodies surrounding us. Oh, Enrique how far you fallen from Hero—I blame Pitbull’s influence. OBVIOUSLY. DALÉ.

13. King of Anything- Sara Bareilles. Sara consistently puts out fresh music that’s light and bubbly. Clap it up for girl power!

14. Club Can’t Handle Me- David Guetta Ft. Flo Rida. When you go so hard that the club can’t even handle you, what are you even supposed to do? This song came out when I was under 21 but could still get into the 18 + club at school called Hatters (red flag) and I distinctly remember this being a full-on fist pump song. Therefore when you listen to it, you MUST build the beat.

15. Our Kind Of Love- Lady Antebellum. 2K10 was a light year for country lovin from my sis and I but Lady A was just starting to make some noise after Need You Now, the official drunk dial song. This one’s a little slow but maybe it’s time to slow it down after almost fist pumping yourself to death.

16. Cooler Than Me- Mike Posner. Remember this one hit wonder? Mike used to record music in his beat laboratory at Duke before he hit it big with this song, which is catchy AF. Also now that I’ve googled him and seen that he wrote a buttload of #1 hits for other singers including Sugar for Maroon 5 and Boyfriend for Biebs, I feel really bad for calling him a one hit wonder. Keep up the good work, Mikey!

17. White Houses- Vanessa Carlton. The minute you hear those piano keys, you know that the palooza has ended. Sorry guys…It’s all too sweet to last.

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