Week of 8/3/2020
1. STEEEEEEEE-PHENNNNN.
People were buzzing about Jay’s chickens and his newfound insta fame and that took WAY too much attention off of Kristin and she needed to bounce back in a big way. This was a BIG bounce back. And also, the MOST obvious reach I’ve ever seen. Obviously these two bozos are not reuniting a dysfunctional teenage love. This snuggly pic was calculated AF and it’s just like the time The Hills producers told LC to invite Stephen to her housewarming party when the show was getting a little snoozy to spice things up and give viewers a reunion to ship. They teased that Stephen comeback for weeks and made all of the dodo birds that LC lived with ask her in-depth questions about her past with Stephen and if she thinks him coming to her housewarming will rekindle their love affair. It was ALL this buildup for a real friend zone ending. Stephen went right back to ruffling LC’s hair and calling her buddy. BONER KILL. Obviously I’ve always been over-invested in reality TV..but here’s the thing: Kristin removed herself from reality TV and therefore cannot use their storylines to boost public opinion of her. Also, these two STUNK as a couple. Stephen was always sneaking off to be with LC and Kristin was fo shiz banging whoever looked at her. Plus, let’s never forget Cabo.
Doesn’t matter how I feel about this PR move though…all that matters is how Jay feels and he went right ahead and deleted his Instagram. And honestly that’s the worst outcome that could’ve ever happened. Jay was a rising star on social media and was really coming into his own with content. And he let two little Laguna bitch asses ruin that for him. SCREW YOU STEPHEN AND KRISTIN.
2. THE BELLA BOYS.
I had originally predicted that these two would give birth on the same day (I assumed with the whole twin thing if one went into labor the other would feel the pains thus triggering their own labor…science) and you know what, I WASN’T FAR OFF! One day apart is basically the same day and wouldn’t you know it THEY BOTH HAD BOYS. Cue them trademarking the Bella Boys for future merch and business opportunities. Although these two are technically cousins, there’s no way they don’t grow up basically twinnies. I mean they live next door to each other and they’re one day apart. And those identical announcements?! I mean, come on. I assume their names will be unveiled in an equally as PR way and I’m chomping at the bit to hear them. Let it also be known that Brie posted her insta first and I was literally hawk-eyeing Nikki’s insta and having seen that she hadn’t posted in 3 days I KNEW she had her baby too. That’s the definition of UNWELL in celeb social media creepin. Proud of it, babe.
3. Burn City, Population: Megan Fox.
You know it’s been a slow news cycle lately when I’ve reported on Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green MULTIPLE weeks now. At first this was a super tame celeb breakup (probably because they’ve done it once before) but now the drama is heating up and I’m HERE for it. After Megan Fox started boning MGK and blabbed last week about how he’s her twin soul, it seemed like the gloves were off for Brian Austin Green. He was casj at the beginning of the week, saying in an interview that he found out about the two of them on his own and has tried to avoid social media because he doesn’t want to see or hear about it. He even reassured people critiquing her parenting that she’s a great mom and just happens to be shooting a movie right now. WELP. No more peace. Above is a post from Megan slobbering all over her new boy toy. Below is Brian AG trolling the shit out of it. Guess he’s no longer avoiding social media!
BOOM. ROASTED. Love a good petty post-breakup caption and this is perfect. Also kinda contradicting everything he said about her being a good mom but whatevs. And not for nothing, but get those kids into the modeling game stat–dreamy eyes and luscious locks will get them everywhere in life.
4. The Bachelorette DRAMA.
Ever since I quit this circus cold turkey, I’ve observed from afar and noticed that fans haven’t become any less rabid for the orchestrated drama that floats around every season. This season in particular has been a doozy as it was halted for COVID, then BLM became too loud for racist ABC to ignore and they plucked a black guy who was supposed to be on the season that had started filming to name as the next Bachelor, then they started filming Clare’s season again and now apparently they’re bringing in a different Bachelorette to take over. Rumor has it that Clare found love immediately, didn’t want to play the game and tongue any other guys for TV so she refused to keep filming and they had to tap in a second girl to finish out the season. And IF that’s true, HOW OUTRAGEOUS. You’re already suspending belief by showing everyone two people who fall in love and decide to get married over two months of being in an open relationship and now you wanna tell us she did it EVEN FASTER THAN THAT?! Get the hell out of here with that fresh garbage. Either she was already communicating with this guy and he had a head start or we start betting on when they break up cause I AIN’T ABOUT TO FALL FOR THAT. Let it also be written in stone that this “hook” will not make me tune in to her season. I feel like I lost years off of my life when I used to watch every week, mostly because they put about 25 solid mins of content into a 2-3 hour episode every Monday. Nothing proves that more than these “Bachelor GOAT” seasons they’ve been doing. This is where they show an “abbreviated” season over a 3 hour span. If you can give us the gist of a whole season in 3 hours THAT TELLS US RIGHT THERE THAT YOU’RE FLUFFING WAY TOO MUCH. If ABC ever dropped the act and decided to just give us the meat and none of the lettuce, I’d consider tuning back in. But until then, I’M OUT.
PS: This is also hitting the airwaves this week in Bach world…DUH these two broke up…Becca publicly spoke out against Garrett’s tribute to cops amidst the Black Lives Matter movement and said she doesn’t know where their relationship stands. Politics, man. Taking down whirlwind reality TV romances and also the rest of the world.
5. HOLLYWOOD IS ALL REMAKES.
Since Hollywood is the LEAST ORIGINAL group of MF’ers on this planet…yeah that’s right…I said it…here’s what’s being rebooted this week. We’ve got a reboot of Who’s the Boss (this was before my time) but they’re essentially doing EXACTLY what Full House did. The main character played by Alyssa Milano will be raising her own kids with Tony Danza playing grandpa. Sounds riveting. And Dirty Dancing has tapped a sequel where Jennifer Grey will have a role and executive produce. SO WHAT WAS DIRTY DANCING HAVANA NIGHTS? Or the made-for-TV musical starring Abigail Breslin? Stop with the remakes, dudes. SERIOUSLY. Also, I hate to be the one to remind everyone but Patrick Swayze is dead. We bringing back his Ghost in holograph form orrrrrr? Obviously I’m fired TF up because maybe JUST MAYBE there’s fresher ideas that we could be executing here but instead the “talented” brains in H-Wood keep going back to the well and retelling stories that were told in the 80’s and 90’s over and over again. Or making internet videos of celebs singing Imagine during a pandemic. I’ve got a real axe to grind this week and I’m not holding back. CUT THE SHIT.
BONUS – If I had to see it, so do you.
My eyes were popping out of my head and my jaw was on the floor for the entirety of whatever the hell this was. I really thought about not including this abomination to music and also, life, but at the end of the day, my favorite rule is that if I have to live through something and be horrified, everyone else must suffer with me. SO WELCOME TO HELL, Y’ALL! Not only was I downright shocked that this is EVEN ALLOWED TO BE A SONG but on top of that the music video was a nice juicy visual of boobs and butt 24/7. Shout out to Kylie for making a completely useless cameo showing us that she can indeed put one foot in front of the other in a leopard catsuit. YOU GO GURL. Refinery 29 called this song “delightfully nasty” and yet I’m inclined to drop the delightfully after I heard the term “wet and gushy” not once, not twice, but 9 ZILLION TIMES. CLEANUP ON AISLE EVERYWHERE because that’s where I puked my face off to these lyrics. ENJOY THO! Hope your weekend is wet AND gushy.
PS Ellen, you’re still
and having your famous friends say you’re not mean does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for your image other than make them look like idiots too. Ya done.
The Salty Ju 