JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/27/2020

1. KCav & Cutty No Mo.

Kristin posted this on Sunday and as I was scrolling through Instagram I read it and was like haha what a funny prank and then remembered it was definitely not near April Fools and that this probably wasn’t a prank. After that realization, I read it aloud to my sister and immediately texted my friend to scoop her on it. Just because it’s sad and traumatizing news does not mean it shall go unscooped. As you might recall, Kristin, Jay, their family and their gay besties were all quarantined together in the Bahamas for several weeks. They seemed like they were having a ball (under the circumstances) playing games and drinking together, posting constantly on social media. Jay was often included and seemed happy and a part of it and not at all annoyed that his wife felt the need to utilize their family vacay for content creation. What a dream. THAT’S the kind of man that I want to marry. Except now it’s all a lie and love is dead. I will admit that against my better judgment and mostly due to an overwhelming boredom and nosiness, I began to tune into Very Cavallari this season once my sister promised me that it was more about Kristin and Jay and less about big-toothed sorority lookin’ bitches running a jewelry line and ho’ing out all over Nashville. I was pleasantly surprised at how much I was beginning to like Kristin, but if we’re being honest I was really tuning in for Jay. I lived for his dry sarcasm and eye rolls at the stupidity that is reality tv. It was riveting. Plus, I felt like they were a real couple that had their ups and downs and weren’t putting on an act. Cut to divorce. Obviously this ambiguous insta and going social media dark left a lot of lingering questions and really all we needed to do is sit back and wait for the deets to start flying. And boy oh boy have they been flying. We now know that they’ve been in rough shape for a while and they went on the trip knowing they’d be announcing their divorce. They fought constantly. Everyone in Nashville knew they were on the rocks, Jay’s parents never liked Kristin, the film crew of Very Cavallari witnessed him yelling at her a lot, belittling her and making her cry. Oh, and apparently Jay blindsided Kristin by filing for the big D, so she struck back by citing “inappropriate marital conduct” and asking for primary custody of the kids. AND she said he’s trying to stop her from buying a new house for herself (Let this be a lesson to all the girls out there, ALWAYS keep a separate checking account for yourself. Joint checking accounts are for boners.) If we can’t trust in love anymore, at least we can trust in knowing that the real dirt will always come out. These PR statements that celebs make upon splitting about loving each other and respecting each other don’t mean shit if you’re lawyering up HOARD and the steaming hot garbage of your relashe is pouring out to the press daily. Did Cutty cheat?! Will Kristin and Audrina become single moms out on the prowl, fighting over Justin Bobby again?! I’m sure we’ll all find out soon enough. You can count on me to keep you posted on the dramz……..regretfully so.

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2a. Oopsie Poopsie.

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I gotta be up front about this one and say that by scoop rules, I was scooped. I was hesitant to scoop it out because it was originally “reported” that she was pregnant and I didn’t want to be wrong and in that moment’s hesitation, my friend got me. If you’re wondering out loud why we’re both giant losers who need to be the first to announce celebrity gossip in order to feel alive, please know that you aren’t wrong.

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Since I’m the one with the blog, I could’ve easily spun this to say that I announce all celebrity gossip first, but I’m nothing if not brutally honest. I’ll take the L here. Losing a scoop is like losing the will to survive. I couldn’t even type that with a straight face. Put that on my gravestone tho, furreal. Anyway, beyond the fact that I missed out on delivering this juicy news (I bounced back by announcing it to my sister, she scoffed at me because she hates both of these individuals), let’s chat real quick about this trend for the youths of Hollywood where having a kid out of wedlock before you’re 25 is a badge of honor. That used to be frowned upon, no? Like in the real world, if you get preggers accidentally and you’re young, there’s a little yikes factor to that. A slight cloud of shame for bucking society standards. In Hollywood, it’s cool as shit to pop babies out while you’re still in your 20’s partying phase. A baby is just another cute accessory to wear matching crop tops with and you forget you even gave birth because your body bounces back so quick. Kylie Jenner was like I knew I was just meant to be a mom. No betch, you got knocked up and then put a spin zone on it. As we saw with Kylie, young parenthood doesn’t keep these couples together and you can bet your bottom dollar that Zayn and Gigi will not survive this. They’re already an unstable coups, breaking up every few months, Gigi just turned 25 and they’re both mega-famous and have careers in the spotlight. I give it a year before playing mom and dad wears off REAL QUICK. Also, just so I reinforce my legitimacy at reporting news, this was finally confirmed by the blessed Yolanda, who said she can’t wait to be an “Oma”. Then from the horses’ mouth herself, Gigi who announced it SOLO for Jimmy Fallon.

Double also, in Hollywood years I must be 95 years old because I’m 28, single and childless. When can I start cashing those retirement chexxxxxx? Triple also, let’s start betting on names to keep quarantine spicy.

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Note that normal name is last on the list of options because it’s absolutely preposterous to expect a normal name from two people who became famous in their pre-teens. Get outta here with that. Obviously since Gigi’s grandma recently passed, there will be an homage to her through first or middle name because they were close and the Hadid’s are all about that Dutch life even though they’re half Palestinian (kick rocks Mohamed, Team Yo foreva.) Zayn will not have a part in this baby’s name because he probably won’t stick around past teething. Shoutout to my gurl Kat for proposing the hard questions here and really provoking thought in the name of models getting accidentally pregnant.

2b. All of the Pregnancies.

Less triggering for me, sorry I hate youths, there were several other pregnancies announced this week. Katherine Schwarzenegger is expecting, which should come as a shock to no one because they’re supes Christian (that means they don’t use birth control…for all you heathens out there) and just got married so natch it’s babymakin time. Lea Michele didn’t announce but someone announced for her, to which my sister goes who cares, she’s not even married to a famous person. And she’s not wrong. Her husband’s name is Zandy, which I think is the real bone we have to pick here. Congrats on becoming a dad but WTF kind of a name is ZANDY?! Also, we see Lea with her gay BFF’s more than her actual husband, which doesn’t really paint a picture of a happy marriage but who am I to judge?! HAHA another sentence I couldn’t type without a burst of laughter. And lastly, Ashlee Simpson and Evan Ross are expecting another kiddie. May they name it something better than Jagger.

3. Cooch is an underrated word.

TMZ released some pics this week of Kendall hanging out with NBA player Devin Booker and let me tell you this is not the first NBA star Kendall has been linked to. Someone replied with a video of guys throwing a baby to each other and said “Kendall getting passed around the NBA”-I would include the tweet since it made me laugh out loud for use of video and coinciding burn but naturally the person has since deleted it in fear of getting internet cancelled. And Kendall came back with THIS:

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And honestly, I don’t care about the Kardashians other than to troll Kim on twitter for being the least self-aware person on this earth but this response is iconic. For all I know Kendall might’ve banged every player in the league…but referring to who she has sex with as “where i throw this cooch” was easily the coolest thing I’ve seen. Mostly because cooch is SUUUUUCH an underrated word. Every once in a while I’m reminded of a word that should be used WAY more in casual convo and this was one of those moments. Cooch is HILARIOUS. Not as derogatory as twat or vag or my personal jarring and overly-disgusting fave: roast beef curtains (RB Curtz for short). Cooch is perfectly suggestive without being offensive. The more that I read that sentence the more I’m convinced it should be a line in a Lizzo song. Maybe it is. I’m not LIT enough with hip hop so if she did steal this line from a rapper then I apologize. But credit where credit is due, that was a 10/10 response from Kendall Jenner. She flies under the radar because she has muuuuch more dramatic and self-obsessed sisters who usually take the spotlight. But a well-delivered cooch-throwing has just sky rocketed her back to the top. And if you don’t think I’m going to use every opportunity to push cooch into a convo then you don’t know me at AWL.

4. Buhholes Galore!

Societal rules don’t apply in quarantine, I guess. Butthole shots can now be justified by boredom according to Sofia Vergara. In case you didn’t already think she was a MILF, here’s her butthole next to her niece’s butthole. Can you tell them apart? Probably not! She’s 48 and her niece is 27. Yet here they are bhole twinnin it up. Just another day at the pool at Auntie Sofia’s bending over the railing to give her hot beefy husband a clear shot of two bholes as he probably does a waistband tuck! LOLOLOL. Say butthole again. BUTTHOLE. While we’re on the topic of buttholes, I recently started listening to Andrea Savage’s podcast entitled “Andrea Savage: A Grown-Up Woman #buttholes.” The idea of the podcast is to interview her friends and make people feel better about being an adult because even if you’re old and have kids and shit, you can still be immature and laugh at the word butthole. Every guest that comes on has to read their name and how they pronounce buttholes and let me tell you it makes me giggle every single time. I feel like the word buttholes, much like the word cooch, doesn’t get enough appreciation for how ridiculous and silly it is. I applaud Andrea for her work in re-emerging it into society and giving it the spotlight it deserves. Also, she’s super funny and her show I’m Sorry about her life is must-see TV–you can catch it on Netflix. And that’s my Ted Talk on BuTtHoLeS.

5. WE DID IT! 

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Last week I announced the reunion special of Parks and Rec and prayed to the Quarantine Gods that we didn’t get a steaming pile of dump reunion because we REALLY NEEDED SOMETHING GOOD. And thankfully, they delivered. The Parks and Rec reunion premiered last night and it was PERFECT. It was not at all forced, the storyline of Corona Virus meshed with the characters that they all played in the show and was a completely plausible plot for all of them, it wasn’t at all odd that they weren’t in the same place and they still made it unified and make sense. I CAN GO ON ALL DAY. BRAVO!!! A reunion done right. Most importantly, I was nervous that requesting the return of a B side character was a lofty expectation but I got my Jean Ralphio singing dumb words AND so many more side character cameos as well. And lastly, it ended with a heartwarming group singalong to one of the greatest fictional tunes of all time, 5,000 Candles in the Wind. If you’d like to listen to that song as well as my other top fictional hits, check out my baller playlist I made like 3 years ago HERE.

And if you missed the episode last night like I did because you were busy drinking on the kitchen floor with your sister for a skilled wine glass tiktok, you can catch it on YouTube here:

 

BONUS:

You didn’t honestly think I was going to reference acrobatic drinking and not plug it in full here did you?! In my never-ending quest to perfect a TikTok dance, I had the genius idea to learn the choreography from It’s Gonna Be Me and drop it in all y’all’s faces today, May 1st. Because I’m me, I watched it once or twice and was like I CAN DO THAT, especially because I know I’ve tried to learn it before back in the Darryn’s Dance Grooves days. To be generous, I gave myself a full week to learn it. I started practicing on a Wednesday. I watched several different TikToks and decided I needed more of a breakdown so I turned to Youtube for a slower tutorial. In a half hour, I learned the first two moves, which literally cover “Every little thing I do” in the chorus. That’s about 3 seconds of dancing. I immediately quit. I’ve never felt so defeated in my life. Arms and legs are NOT SUPPOSED TO MOVE IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS AT THE SAME TIME. HOW DO YOU DO THAT?! Then last night I showed my sister the Bye, Bye, Bye dance, pointing out that we for sure did that at every wedding we’ve attended and it shouldn’t be a problem to learn. Once again we pulled up a Youtube tutorial from Lance Bass himself, as he noted that he was a TERRIBLE dancer. We spent another half hour trying to nail down the right, left, right, right footwork in the beginning. Then we tried following the Tiktok instead since that’s how we learned our first dance. No matter what we did, we both stumbled and looked like it was our first day stepping out of a wheelchair we’ve sat in for months and we were learning how to walk again. WHY do I tell you all of this in detail? Is it to humiliate myself? Maybe. OR POSSIBLY it’s to show you the DEDICATION I HAVE TO BECOMING A DANCER WHEN I DON’T HAVE A DANCER’S BODY. I’VE BEEN CURSED WITH THE LOVE TO DANCE AND THE LACK OF RHYTHM. Obviously, we gave up and decided to move our focus to something we’re better at. Drinking.

Someone commented that it should’ve been set to the Titanic song and he wasn’t wrong. Huge missed opportunity but he also doesn’t know the blood, sweat and tears that went into It’s Gonna Be Me. I will never give up. I’ll learn a dance even if it kills me. And if you’re like woooooow these two are talented as hell, here’s a little reality check to knock us down a peg or two.

HAPPY MONTH OF ME TO ALL OF YOU!!!

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Music, Playlist

Quaran-tunez Dance Party

Let’s have some real talk. Things suck right now for a whole lot of people. There’s death and anxiety and uncertainty and for us who are just sitting at home, we’re feeling cooped up but also feeling like we can’t complain about it because there are people out there busting their asses to save lives and make sure the planet isn’t wiped out. It’s a pretty depressing time all around and boy oh boy do I know a thing or two about depression. You know what I also know is a cold, hard fact though? That it is completely IMPOSSIBLE not to smile or laugh while you’re dancing. Dancing is such a weird concept. You flail your limbs around to music and sometimes people just sit there and watch and sometimes people join in and also throw their extremities around. How can you NOT be entertained by that? Ever since I’ve made it my life goal to perfect ONE dance video (read about that HERE), I decided to kick things off with a bangin playlist for a Quarantine Dance Party, because you have to have a GIANT dump in your pants to not feel happier after getting your groove on. It’s scientific fact. PS – I’m no fitness expert but go ahead and count this as a workout because I was VERY sore after learning my first TikTok dance and that has to count for something. JIGGLE TIL IT HURTS Y’ALL.

1. Can’t Stop the Feeling – Justin Timberlake. It is beyond weird to me that this song was created for a children’s trolls movie because it is without a doubt JT’s best dance banger. (Overall best song is Mirrors and it ain’t even an argument so don’t come at me.) I mean it’s literally in the title, I can’t stop the feeling that I want to boogie my face off when this jam comes on. It was released a few weeks before my sister’s wedding and when the DJ played it, I happened to be in the bathroom and I quite literally cleaned up shop and came charging out so I wouldn’t miss a minute of dance, dance, dancing.

2. Party in the USA – Miley Cyrus. Though this song requires much less fancy footwork and much more seaweed arms, it’s still a requirement for every party. Party can’t start in the USA until Miley hops off the plane at LAX. Kicks aren’t required for this dance party but encouraged if it makes you move better without falling because you have hardwood floors or something. Not that I would know from experience or anything. Please don’t sue me if you fall and injure yourself from dancing so hard to my kickass playlist.

3. Come Alive – Cast of The Greatest Showman. It’s no secret if you’ve read this blog before or listened to my pump it up playlist that I have a very large boner for the movie The Greatest Showman. I don’t even like musicals and this one had it all that even a naysayer like me who thinks breaking into song mid conversation is ridic won’t stop talking about it three years later. If I ever need to be in a good mood, I slap on this soundtrack and pretend I’m a performer in PT Barnum’s circus. This one really gets the juices flowing because it’s the beginning of the movie when they’re all excited and ready to rock n roll, just like you are at your dance party. It’ll make you want to snap your way over to a door and kick it right down.

4. Want to Want Me – Jason Derulo. Couldn’t have a dance off without JAY-SuNNn De-ROOOO-LOOOOWWW (sing in autotune voice or get the hell out of my face.) There has never been a more out of place pair than when my sister and I decided to go see Jason for a free concert at the NYS Fair, showed up several hours early to get seats and wait on a disgustingly hot August day, almost got edged out of our seats by concert bullies and then took part in a group learning of his “skeerrttt PULL UP” dance move. You’d think learning moves from Jason himself would make me a natural, but alas, I’m still white.

5. Barcelona – Ed Sheeran. It’s important for everyone to hear this. I revisited Ed’s Divide album the other day on a bike ride and what a PIECE OF ART that thing is. Ed went from dropping irish jigs about his grandparents getting married on the Wexford border, to rapping, to showing his hispanic flair on two tracks and then bringing it way down with some sobsies break up and love songs. Let it be known that Ed has THE MOST RANGE. I went from wiggling my hips off my bike seat, swerving all over the road to feeling like I needed to pull over for a good cry because HE WAS HAPPIER WITH YOU, YOU TROLLOP, AND YOU’RE DATING SOMEONE ELSE NOW! Anyway, got carried away there. The point of that long-winded story is to tell you why I needed this deep cut on my dance playlist. It’s under-appreciated, I LOVE a latin beat I can swing my hips to, and sometimes I just really need a man calling me mamacita to spice things up. Te Amo, Ed. Gracias por esta canción que me dan ganas de bailar. Besos.

6. Queen of the Night – Whitney Houston. OooOhhHh Shit we needed some Whitney to take things to the next level. When I asked my sister which Whitney song to choose, we listened to each one and each one made us want to jive so it was really a tough decision that had to be made. But that’s what I’m here for. To make the tough decisions about what song I should force you to dance to. And Queen of the Night just has that undeniable 80’s beat right from the top. So make yourself the Queen of your kitchen and sing into the slotted spoon while you do the running man.

7. Forever – Chris Brown. I’ve used this on one of my playlists before and typically my hard and fast rule is that I don’t repeat songs across playlists/blogs–and since I’ve been shoving these playlists at you for 5 years, that’s actually become quite difficult. BUT THIS SONG DESERVES A REPEAT. Not because of Chris Brown. He sucks and honestly I wish he didn’t create this masterpiece because we’re supporting a dirtbag by listening to it. But IT IS A MASTERPIECE. It’s pretty much the best dance song of all time and honestly if you get married and don’t have this at your reception, I hope your marriage ends in divorce because that’s what you deserve for leaving out the staple that created the JK Wedding Dance entrance and subsequent parodies, especially Dwight Schrute kicking a bridesmaid directly in the face hole. The end.

8. Please Don’t Stop the Music – Rihanna. It’s no coincidence that the songs are in this order. Get all your CB grooves out and then swiftly move on to the QUEEN. The SURVIVOR. Ri Ri has taken a whole lot of years off and I really think she’s due for a comeback, but also nothing will ever top 2007 Good Girl Gone Bad Ri Ri. Pre-Chris Brown dumping all over her face and her life. She was just releasing dance smashes and over pronouncing umbrella and life was good.

9. What A Man Gotta Do – Jonas Brothers. I like to say that I’m not a huge JoBros fan and all but I genuinely have become one with their comeback. Those bros know what they’re doing and they’re killin the game. This is my favorite song that they’ve released and they probably took a marketing class from Tay because they coincided the release with the height of TikTok and had people learn the video choreography and duet with them. Also they ripped the choreography straight from Grease but that’s neither here nor there. This song is a bangpiece.

10. Shake It Off – Taylor Swift. Since I’m such a Tay stan, I really wanted to go deep here because there’s so many jams that need love that she’s put out in her career. When I sampled some for my sister, a Tay hater, it became clear that I had to do an obvious dance hit or get the hell out of her house. So we had to go with this number. I mean it literally has its own dance move and there’s no way you can deny bopping to Taylor saying F you to the haters, PG style obviously. Related but unrelated fun fact: the weirdest thing I’ve done this quarantine was join Nikki Glaser’s Taylor Swift dance party that was literally just 400 people on zoom dancing to her carefully curated Swifty playlist. Natch, I disabled my video and only joined in hopes that Taylor herself would show up. She didn’t. But I did get to giggle at a lot of strangers dancing and dramatic lip syncing in their living room (and one real exxtra girl do some pole dancing.) Good times all around.

11. Die Young – Ke$ha. I originally had Timber on here because nothing can top the time I ran around the house scream-singing it and almost sprained my ankle but like I said, I’m very strict about my no repeats rule. So let’s love on early, trashy Ke$ha because I feel like that phase is easily forgotten now that she’s taken the dollar sign out of her name and shown us that she can actually sing without auto tune and techno beats. Also, great message here. Live your life and dance away like you’re going to die young. Because if you leave your house there’s a pretty high chance of that. Too dark? Dance it off. Inside.

12. Blinding Lights – The Weeknd. I had to give a nod to the song that my sister and I spent 2 hours learning moves to match the rhythm of LITERALLY 14 seconds. 2+ hours for a 14 second video that we did not nail. But you know what? Memories were made, we believed we got better at dancing and now when we hear this intro we break into cold sweats. WORTH IT. (If you want to dance along and learn the #BlindingLightsChallenge  infinitely faster than us, it goes Dab, sunrise, sunrise, swim, swim, spirit fingers, JUMP.) You’re welcome.

13. Toxic – Britney Spears. I mean there’s really not much I can say about this song. It marked the official turn from teen school girl Disney Britney to I have lots of sex, check out my hot bod in this see-through diamond onesie Brit. Looking back it was probably step one leading to her inevitable breakdown but what a killer classic. Hindsight is 20/20. Toxic is forever.

14. Good to Be Alive (Hallelujah) – Andy Grammer. Ya boy Andy basically took a church hymn and made it pop music. Hallelujah and shake dem hips. It’s a nice message of a song and a reminder that even though things might blow right now, at least you’re alive and dancing and that’s something to be grateful for. Did AG just make me positive?! Whoa. Let that baseline move you and you too, could become a positive Polly.

15. Let’s Get Loud – Jennifer Lopez. I wasn’t going to brag about my close personal texting friendship with JLo and not include one of her heaters. I mean she’s Jenny from the Block. She was a fly girl before she was even a singer. Girl’s got moves. If you’ve ever doubted it, look no further than her CARRYING the Super Bowl halftime show with ease–including a quick core strength upside down pole maneuver just for shits. Anyway, now that I’ve wiped the slobber off of my keyboard just from thinking about that, here’s the only song I wanted her to open with because it’s not only a crowd pleaser, but a party starter.

16. Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now) – C&C Music Factory. No dance playlist in the history of dance playlists can exist without this B screaming EVERYBODY DANCE NOW. So just do what she says, yo. If you’re not sweating by this point, you’re not doing it right. I used to have a gym unit that was literally called Jiggle Til It Hurts and the teacher (who called me Maria for all four years of high school, nbd) would nazi-style yell at us to keep moving like it was FM Hornets Boot Camp and not 5th period gym class where girls wear rolled up Soffe shorts and didn’t want to be sweaty or ruin their hair for the rest of the day at school. I hated that block more than anything and guess what Miss Cauley, I’VE BECOME YOU NOW! I want to see you all serving your best dance moves until this music stops OR ELSE.

17. Pop – N*SYNC. I get that I’m kinda double dipping with the JT here but deal with it. Sometimes you just need a beatbox breakdown to catch your breathe because you feel like you’re going to die because you’ve been dancing for an hour straight. This was when N*SYNC got edgy and Justin shaved his head. They were in a CLUB in this music video. What a time to be alive.

18. Dynamite – Taio Cruz. Remember this MF’er?! Taio deserves a shout out and the closer for this playlist because no one knows where he is now but he created the annoying habit of repeating things 4 times in 2010 and that was a whole lot of fun, fun, fun, fun. Just wrapping up our dance party with some good vibes and our hands in the air. Hopefully this playlist made you dance, dance, dance, dance, smile or even just laugh at the fact that you were wheezing after one song like you just ran a marathon. Just me? Whatever.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of February 10th, 2020

1. I LIKE A CELEBRITY BABY NAME!

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my WHOLE heart 💕💗💕

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TR and Lauren had their third girl and named her Lennon Love Akins and I WHOLEHEARTEDLY approve. It’s so rare that a celebrity couple chooses a name that isn’t completely outrageous and makes me want to shout how stupid they are, so I wanted to take a beat on this Valentine’s Day to say that I love Lennon Love. And you know they’re going to call her Lennon Love because they’re southern and they call their other kids Willa Gray and Ada James in their cute ass southern accents. Lennon Love is going to be a singer and she won’t even need to make a stage name. Mark my words, I’m calling it.

2. Wedding Scam.

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Love stories come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes people fall in love and get married and live happily ever after and sometimes people date in the 80’s and break up, then 35 years later get married for 12 days. I couldn’t not blab about this story because it made me laugh a whole lot. We get a random headline a couple weeks ago about Pamela Anderson marrying Jon Peters, even though no one knew they were dating. It’s written as one of those classic time went by but they never stopped loving each other spin, which we all know is complete bullshit but everyone is like OH how sweet. Even when you’re 74 you can get married to a piece half your age and call it love and say you’ve been pining for her all your life even though you had several other marriages and were actually engaged recently to another woman. But it was like a blip in the radar and I read it and was like hm that’s weird and kept it moving. I also had to google who Jon Peters was. Folks, he’s a rich man. He produced A Star is Born (all the versions). Pamela….not so much. Ever since her Baywatch days and being in the very public, very unhealthy relashe with Tommy Lee, it’s been a pretty steady downhill drop for ya gurl Pammy. Well, Pam and Jon ended their marriage 12 days later and then THE REAL JUice COMES OUT. Pam knew this old perv always had a thing for her and reconnected with him, got him to pay off her massive debt, waited for the wire transfer to clear and then broke up with him over a text. If that ain’t a classic love story, I don’t know what is. According to Jon himself, “there’s no fool like an old fool.” Also if Lifetime doesn’t turn this into a movie I will be V. disappointed.

3. J Baby.

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This is low on the list, when normally it would be #1 because the Jonai themselves have yet to confirm it’s true. And you KNOW I hate reporting celebrity gossip that isn’t People official. So even though everyone is talking about it like it’s facts, we might have a real Kylie Jenner secret pregnancy on our hands here if we don’t get confirmation soon. That of course, didn’t stop me from scooping my sister and BFF the second I saw the news broke on twitter. I had recently been scooped on the Bella Twins pregnancy and I was out for Scoop Revenge. And you know what, I can honestly tell you it’s a high unlike any other. Why do drugs when you can scoop people on celebrity gossip? Unfortunately because it hasn’t become official yet, I was forced to enter into a deal with the devil if it turns out to be a rumor:

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As you might recall, I reported on Post Malone’s facial bleeding saw tattoo last week and apparently it opened a whole can of worms because in the 7 days since that’s happened, 3 more headlines appeared of celebrities getting face tattoos. And I’m genuinely wondering what I’m missing here. You have an entire body to ink up, WHY TOUCH THE FACE?! Leave the face out of it! But I digress, the point is, if Sophie Turner is not pregnant, I have to get a face tat and I’m ok with my odds here but also I might just need to turkey baster some sperm into her to be extra sure. Where’s the Jonas Bros next tour stop? Just wondering. Ok but anyway, my real opinion on the matter other than the fact that I scooped it hard is that I’m surprised it took this long for a J Baby. Honestly thought Pri Pri would be first because she is much older but I wouldn’t count out her announcing next month because she seems to be the real ringleader of the J Sisters movement and the other two are kinda just like yeah we’re sisters by marriage let’s relax a little. So we could have double Jonas babies this year and it wouldn’t shock me at all. Related to this topic but not really…Priyanka grammed this throwback yesterday and do I need to have my eyes checked or is this 100% not a photo of her? Discuss amongst yourselves and report back.

4. Boy Band Newz.

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Lance Bass has always been a man of the N*SYNC groupies, giving us breadcrumb stories from the good ole days, going on throwback 90’s pop tours and I just generally get the feeling that because he’s openly gay, he truly understands how important a first boy crush is to an overdramatic pre-teen heart. Also, he starred in N*SYNC classic On the Line, which should never ever ever be forgotten because it was not only a great rom-com but it had original N*SYNC tunes in it.

You can treat yourself to that LB classic first as a little pre-game to the movie Lance has just announced got picked up finally and will be released sometime soon? That part is unclear, I’m guessing it’ll end up on a streaming service, but either way, I’m jazzed. The premise of the movie is based on a true story when two girls won a Winnebago on The Price Is Right and then used that Winnebago to follow N*SYNC around the country on their tour, creep groupie style. Lance has described the movie as a cross between Girls Trip and Pitch Perfect. Honestly, I don’t care about the girls I just want all the N*SYNC nostalgia in the world. Make it happen, Lance. I believe in you.

Meanwhile in rival world…BSB is touring this summer and therefore they’re currently doing their press rounds, so we got this gem from Watch What Happens Live:

Bless BSB for knowing that the lyrics mean nothing if you hit dem high notes. DON’T WANNA HEAR YOU SAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY. PS last year they played this at a wedding of a couple I had never met and I found it to be incredibly disrespectful to NOT hit that high note and give it my all even though the dance floor was completely empty and needless to say it was not well received.

5. Hot Bod PSA.

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Jennifer Aniston turned 51 this week and this last piece is just a droolworthy appreciation of America’s Sweetheart still killin it like she’s never aged a day in her life. Also a small part of me wanted to point out how babe soda she still is to prove to everyone that she don’t need no mans and she ESPECIALLY don’t need no cheating mans, so stop shipping her and Brad because them getting back together would be the dumbest thing on this earth and Jen is no dummy.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/15/19

1. Let’s Rap About Earth Day.

I guess it’s Earth Day soon. How did I know? A cartoon Lil Dicky informed me while still making an effort to relate it directly back to his dick and balls. What a guy. No, seriously what just happened with this. I watched the whole thing in shock. How does he come up with this shit and how is he allowed to say it’s his song when he was in it for about 30 seconds. The cameos, however, are genius. The best part about this claymation freakfest was trying to guess what famous person was which animal the minute they opened their mouth. I nailed it with Ariana, Halsey, Ed & Snoop. BTW, Ed as a snuggly koala bear? Yes, please. What a perfect casting. Also I legitimately was like I wonder how much they had to pay Leonardo Dicaprio just to use his name and create a character that looks like him then when I saw it was ACTUALLY him?! Whoa baby. Leo used to be so cool that when JLo texted him during her carpool karaoke he made booboo a thing again. Now he’s in this? Must be really desp for his environmental cause. Save the earth, bruhs. Why? Because a rapper told you to.

2. Taylor Goes Pastel.

Remember when I got all hot and bothered for new Taylor music and fed into her crazy ass superfan theories and ended up with EGG ON MY FACE AND AN I ❤ TS SHIRT ON FOR NO REASON?! If you missed that, read my salivation here and peep my merch below:

Well now it’s the real deal. She’s given us thirsty bitches a date and it is 4.26. She’s also given us a theme and my immediate reaction was no thanks. If we’re going to be waiting with baited breath for new jams after your BADAZZ EMO F THE WORLD comeback with Reputation complete with Snakes, we deserve more than tacky pastel colored heart shaped jewels. Then she posted the picture of the mint bike and it was GAME ON. EVERYONE knows I’m basically a European with the amount of biking that I do. If she’s going to deliver me a new tune to cruise around town to once I dust the ole wheels off for spring then SIGN ME UP. Stay tuned for full review when her single makes the debut.

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3. N*SYNC Does Coachella.

It’s that time of year again where LA people pretend they’re into being outdoors and listening to live music but really what they’re into is wearing hippie chic outfits and posting on Instagram. The biggest news to come out of this past weekend’s performances other than Beyonce just dropping a full recording of hers was America’s Sweetheart Ariana Grande pulling off an N*SYNC reunion. Although, can we really call it that without JT?

Props to Ari for continuing to dominate the world and learning the choreography to Tearin Up My Heart. Even though my main squeeze wasn’t there, I can still appreciate a good 90’s reunion. But also…

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You guys killed it last night 🙌

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Is Chris gonna make it? T’s and P’s.

4. Barf All Over Me.

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Pssst, 🧔🌲🌲🌲❤️: @justintimberlake

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I try not to draw attention to the fact that Jess and Justin are like the ultimate cool guy couple because it turns me into a jelly belly. But like come on with this. We get it, you guys love each other and are v supportive. No need to cry via a public video when he’s basically sitting right next to you. Turn to him and say you’re proud of him. UGH BARFMANIA ya big attention whorebag.

5. PSA FOR MK&A STANS

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I find it to be extremely unwell of us that every time these two crypt keepers attend an event and allow photos, we post 10 headlines about it. THE VAMPIRES ARE OUT OF THEIR CAVES! And no matter what year/season/occasion it is, they’re always wearing long black cloaks and terrified looks on their faces. WELCOME TO SUNLIGHT, GIRLS! But that wasn’t the point of this announcement although it did give me a nice morning laugh and some nightmare fuel. The PSA is that Hulu is finally getting on the damn MK&A nostalgia train and giving us some of their OG movies. Coming soon: Billboard Dad, Switching Goals and Passport to Paris. THANK GAWD. IT’S AN EASTER MIRACLE! If you need to brush up on which hotties to peep in their pre-teen movies, feel free to roll on over to my very well-researched and not at all creepy blog ranking their movie boyfs right HERE. HAPPY WATCHING!

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/30/18

Great news everyone, we’ve made it to May, which is the month of ME so feel free to lavish me with compliments and gifts every single day for the next 31 days. Because as we all know, females don’t have a birth DAY, they have a birth MONTH and if you don’t acknowledge that you’re a garbage can human.

1. *NSYNC Mini Reunion.

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As we are all very aware, the last day of April brings the godforsaken Justin Timberlake It’s Gonna be May meme that floods the internet and everything thinks they’re original by posting it (kinda like the Miss Congeniality perfect date or Mean Girls October 3rd schtick) and unfortunately *NSYNC played RIGHT INTO IT by planning their Hollywood star ceremony for the same day. I’m going to politely ignore that part and focus on the fun stuff, like the fact that Justin is still clearly the number 1 bae of *NSYNC and you can tell they’re all over it, real hard. Or the fact that JC thought he could roll up looking like a dad whose trying to be trendy with surfer hair and RED BOOTS. JC. Come on. Even Chris and Joey look better than you because at least they embraced their oldness–Joey is literally wearing dad sneaks with his getup. Let it happen, bruh. No need to be tossing on red booties with your suit! Below are some of the speeches and a fairly boring game of Never Have I Ever where they basically lie and say they didn’t do anything when WE ALL KNOW that being a boy band superstar in your teens/early twenties meant that you certainly did a lot of bang, bang, bangity, banging. For now, feel free to place your bets on which spice girl JT smooched. My guess is Baby. NOW CAN WE PLEASE GET A REUNION SONG AND CORRELATING MUSIC VIDEO?! I’M BEGGING YOU.

2. XxXtina. 

Did anyone miss Xtina? Well she’s been on a casual 6 year hiatus from music. Her most recent claim to fame was a Whitney tribute at one of the award shows where everyone questioned what was going on with her face. Can confirm her face still looks weird but wouldn’t you know, everyone’s face looks weird when they’re lapping milk from a glass and trying to be sexy in a music video with MAD closeups on her mouth/tongue. This is her latest beat that is preeetttyy hard on the ears but she’s clearly going for the street cred by having two rappers featured on it that I assume are popular with the youths these days. To be completely honest I couldn’t even finish watching this music video. Once someone looks right into your soul and licks a glass of 2% then lets it drip down their chin, I have to just call it quits and never look back. Mazel to Xtina for giving me all of the uncomfies this week! PS do you think this song is about sex? LMK.

3. Miranda’s A Little Sleazy.

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I think it’s time to address the elephant in the room that is Miranda Lambert’s love for infidelity. I wanted to ignore the rumors when her and Blake split because I’ve always been a fan of Miranda’s music and that she’s a total boss babe who wins all the awards and is better then most of the boys in country. I turned my ears off whenever anyone talked about her cheating and I hated Blake and Gwen on principle because they were flaunting their relationship too hard and I don’t appreciate an attention grabber post-divorce. I was firmly Team Miranda. Except now her music isn’t that great anymore, she’s kind of a stuck up bitch at awards shows and in the past two weeks she’s been outed HARD for being a cheatin skank. Her latest fling is with someone she toured with who is married and basically stayed out on tour with Miranda without telling his wife when he would be coming back and when he did return it was with some divorce papers. YIKES CITY. Obviously both parties are at fault here since both Miranda and Evan were in relationships when they began to “write music together.” Either way, NOT A GOOD LOOK. Blake had the below snarky tweet and Evan’s soon to be ex wife has been using Instagram story to talk shit and jam out to Before He Cheats. (Social media maturity at its finest)

So accept this as my official declaration that I am no longer #TeamMiranda and maybe she should take a little sabbatical from banging strange whilst otherwise in a relationship. Let the records also show that this does not make me Team Gwen/Blake. Because I still think those two are obnoxious. WE GET IT….OPPOSITES ATTRACT AND YOU LOVE EACH OTHER. Do it privately.

4. ASHLEE SIMPSON SHOW REBOOT.

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Word on the streets of trash tv, Ashlee Simpson and Evan Ross will be getting their own reality show. As an avid viewer of BOTH The Ashlee Simpson Show and Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica, I couldn’t be happier for this comeback to reality TV. T’s & P’s that they don’t have the Newlyweds curse (still holding out for a Nick and Jessica reunion though, never give up hope.) Apparently the show will center around Ashlee and Evan taking on the music biz together, which I strongly advise against but should make for entertaining telly. Maybe that little nugget of theirs Jagger will make guest appearances and she proved to be the cutest during Diana Ross’s AMA tribute.

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5. Blake Pulls a Tay.

Blake Lively took a page out of her bestie Tay’s book for promoting and cleared out her instagram, unfollowed everyone all in the name of promoting a new movie. Everyone crapped their pants, specifically because she unfollowed that hunk of a husband Ryan Reynolds, which typically means things are heading south but CHILL EVERYONE SHE JUST WANTS TICKET SALES TO GO UP FOR HER THRILLER WITH ANNA KENDRICK. Looks super weird. Can’t say I support erasing so many beautiful pics that I’ve posted on here and drooled over just for a little movie marketing, but who am I to judge. Who am I kidding. I’m Judge Judy here. Get your old insta back, Blake.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 8/8/16

1. Dance Goals.

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We had to. #stepup10years

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Step Up is a top five dance movie that made us all believe that we will fall in love with a hunky piece of meat who can toss us around on the dance floor because Jenna and Channing got married. Well they’re keeping the dream alive by recreating the OG Step Up move 10 years later. I don’t ever want to imagine a life where these two don’t dance together every night. First with Lip Sync Battle, now with this, I’ll be disappointed if this isn’t a daily ritual.

2. Phelps wins 1 billion gold medals.

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Michael Phelps is like 100 and still blowing everyone out of the water (PUN INTENDED.) He may have become an internet meme for a hot second, but then he was hey Twitter, suck on my 22 Gold medals, BETCH. This is my sports coverage for the week…a picture of Phelps in da zone aka smelling a fart. It’s probably the best you’re gonna get unless you’d like my unfiltered opinions on Ryan “Jeah” Lochte’s hair (it’s dumb) and THE FINAL FIVE (they have eternal wedgies that make me tug at my own underwear as if I too have a leotard stuffed up my buhhole.) And THAT’s my Olympics coverage. GET ON MY LEVEL, BOB COSTA!

3. NSYNC reunites to remind us they’re old AF.

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JC's 40th… And, if you don't know now you know…

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I would give my left nip for a full-on N*SYNC reunion and this is what they think will satisfy us? A picture that Lance probably had to photobomb because he wasn’t asked to be in it, at JC’s 40th birthday party. FORTY. HOLY COW. Be older, JC. You can’t. Seriously if there can be a tour of Ryan Cabrera and O*Town this summer, then N*SYNC can hit the stage again. I don’t care if it’s half-assed, I mean you could literally start a Vegas residency just for “dancing” like Britney does, as long as you deliver the top N*SYNC hits, I’ll be there with bells on. What I realize now that I’ve typed this out is that I’d probably be fine with just like a bar playing N*SYNC’s discography on a Saturday night. But until then, we’ll always have this pic. Stay golden, JT.

4. Orlando Bloom and Katy Perry show us the goods. A week ago Orlando Bloom let it all hang for a casual paddle boarding adventure in Italy. I didn’t do the JUice last week, but if I did, I probably would’ve included the pic, mostly because it took me about 30 seconds to find the uncensored version and text it to everyone I know. Hey how’s it going? Here’s Orlando Bloom’s impressive D and droolworthy body. Obviously there was no reason for him to be ass naked when Katy Perry was fully clothed, other than the fact that he’s attractive and famous and he can. When in Rome (Sardinia) do as the Romans (Sardinians) do and take your dick out for vacation, I guess. ICYMI, here’s the censored version (that shadow though…) Since I don’t condone porning up my website you can turn to twitter for the full monty. Or my cell phone photos…

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Anyway, this week, Katy Perry was like hey I’ve got a set of tits that everyone probably wants to see, and she was probz feeling upstaged by the amount of attention her boyf’s little nudey row was getting, so she decided to spice it up for a pic. By showing her buttcheek. Really, girl? That’s all you got? STEP IT UP.

 5. JRodg pretending to be famous.

Hey guys, now that they can talk about it, JoJo and Jord are going to vomit their love all over social media. This includes the most awkward hover arm picture of Jordan and his “good Nashville buddy” Brett. No seriously, they’re really tight. Also JoJo looks like a smokeshow and I’m obviously bitter about it.

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Playlist

Millennial Beat Laboratory Mix

Any time I find myself in a bar with a DJ (every night, obv) I always cross my fingers that they start spinnin’—or have on their iTunes playlist—some beats from the 2000’s, aka my prime gangster days. Hanging out with the girls on the basketball team upped my street cred by a trillion because they always had rap on their workout mixes and I was all in for pretending to be cool. Now that I no longer have these influences and listen to a lot of country, my G factor has rapidly decreased but every once and a while I like to toss it back to a time when I knew rap lyrics, yo.

Paper Planes (Remix)- M.I.A. Generally speaking this song has a lot going on and SHOULD hurt your ears, but instead it turns into a gleeful game of cocking a fake gun and pulling the till on a fake cash register. Furreals tho, don’t F with M.I.A cause she’s got mad blunts and more records than the KGB.

Kewlest Lyric: No one on the corner has swag like us

Forever- Drake Ft. Eminem, Lil Wayne, & Kanye West. This is a rare gem of a song because please explain to me how you could ever get these four rap giants together now. You can’t because Drake’s busy salsa dancing to Hotline Bling, Em is doing commercials, Weezy is on and off dating Christina Milian and probably playing daddy to her kid (yikes) and obviously Ye is running for president and trying to keep up with those darn kardashians. This song will live forever in infamy for bringing the gang together, only thing missing is Jay.

Kewlest Lyric: Last name ever, First name greatest. Obviously.

Girlfriend (Remix)- ‘N Sync ft. Nelly. Obviously N*SYNC is the best band in history but when you add a little Nelly into the mix and a music video with everyone wearing knit caps, it really adds a lot of flava to an otherwise whiny song about how much they want this girl to date them. Kudos for them integrating the rap flawlessly and even throwing it back to their other top singles with “So tell your man bye-bye and tell him you’re long gone.”

Kewlest Lyric: I put ya so high on a pedestal, it might make ya nose bleed, So much ice around ya ankles, and watch ya toes freeze

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Get Your Freak On- Missy Elliott ft. Nelly Furtado. Every song Missy tossed out in the 2000’s was phenomenal but this one takes the cake when she remixes it with Nelly and we learn that a woman stuttering the word “get” can be so effortlessly kewl.

Kewlest Lyric: Who’s that bitch?-Me me! Nelly Nelly Nelly Furtado all in your stereo 

Ignition (Remix)- R. Kelly. Usually I don’t do this (support R. Kelly because he’s creepy) but go ahead and break em off wit a little preview of the best remix ever. Seriously this song is an all-time great, one might say the world’s greatest (wink.) On the other hand, thinking about a guy with a sexual criminal record saying he’s going to stick his key in my ignition…not so much.

Kewlest Lyric: Sipping on coke and rum, I’m like so what I’m drunk, It’s the freaking weekend baby, I’m about to have me some fun (Ultimate weekend AIM away message)

Lose Yourself- Eminem. Probably one of the first songs that I learned all the words to by playing it on repeat for weeks straight. Eminem could be a little scary sometimes, like when he was rapping about fans who killed their pregnant girlfriend for him but this is just a squeaky clean (sort of) song about rappers stage fright. Also not for nothing, but ralphing up mom’s spaghetti on yourself sounds like a giant mess.

Kewlest Lyric: Success is my only motherfucking option, failure’s not

Forever- Chris Brown. Mark my words, this is the only Chris Brown song I will ever wholeheartedly support and love, and I think that’s all that needs to be said about this. And also did he ever picture it getting a second wind from a bunch of white people dancing down the aisle to it for YouTube? Just wondering.

(I don’t want to point out any of these lyrics because they’re nice things to say to a girl you love and I can’t picture Chris Breezy saying any of these thing ever.)

Ride Wit Me (Explicit)- Nelly. I don’t know what 90% of the lyrics in this song mean. Naturally that doesn’t stop me from trying to sing along and pretending that I too smoke L in the Benz.

Kewlest Lyric: And can I make it? Damn right, I be on the next flight. Paying cash; first class – sitting next to Vanna White

All I Do Is Win (feat. T-Pain, Ludacris, Snoop Dogg & Rick Ross)-DJ Khaled. Another all-star cast of characters collaborating on a song that brings out my inner G. Emma Stone agrees, of course. Half of the rappers on this song don’t even make music anymore because we live in a world where Nicki Minaj makes millions rapping about her buhhole. But whatevs, cause all I do, all I, all I, all I, all I do is win.

Kewlest Lyric: My hands go up and down like strippers booty’s go

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Let Me Blow Ya Mind- Eve ft Gwen Stefani. Gwen has been a troubadour of all genres bopping around from 90s grunge rock to pop to hip-hop. One time my friends and I got our hands on some High School Musical wildcat temporary tattoos and put them on our boobs just because we wanted to be like Eve. It’s an unrelated story but also when am I ever going to be able to insert that into a blog. We were obv tatting ourselves for the midnight premiere of HSM 3:Senior Year. Did I mention I wasn’t cool in high school?

Kewlest Lyric: Don’t fight that good shit in your ear, Now let me blow ya mind

Money Maker- Ludacris Ft. Pharrell. I mostly added this song because it’s one of Luda’s more random songs but also because the lyric “let me give you some swimming lessons on the PENIS” makes me laugh out loud every single time. Essentially the whole thing is Luda rapping cringeworthy dirty talk and Pharell toning it down with his smooth beats.

Kewlest Lyric: You… you lookin’ good in them jeans, I bet you look even better with me in between. Yiiikes Luda.

Low- Flo Rida ft. T-pain. An iconic song for millennial fashion. Fun fact: one of my friends in high school owned a spicy pair of crocs with fur lining at the height of crocs fame and another friend expertly changed the lyrics to “apple bottomed jeans, crocs with the fur” just for her and I can never unhear that.

Kewlest Lyric: Shorty was hot like a toaster

Live Your Life- T.I. ft. Rihanna. Ah, a rap song with morals which is rare, especially for bad girl RiRi. What’s even better is T.I. is babbling about how he’s above all this rapper feud nonsense and then ended up in jail like 2 years later for gun stuff.

Kewlest Lyric: Been thuggin’ all my life, can’t say I don’t deserve to take a break. Same, T.I., same.

Touch The Sky- Kanye West Ft. Lupe Fiasco. This song holds a special place in my heart because I made a choreographed dance to it with my friend then tried to show it to my sister the very first time I got drunk in her college dorm. I didn’t know what being drunk was really, all I know is that I usually nailed the dance sober and after I had a drink, I stubbed my toe on the chair I was using as a prop and almost fell over. Ah, so young and naïve to the joys of booze and it’s ability to make me looser on the dance floor. Regardless, this collab was cool because Lupe made Kanye more fun/catchy and less into Jesus’ crucifixion.

Kewlest Lyric: I think I died in an accident, cause this must be heaven.

What’s Luv- Fat Joe Ft. Ja Rule & Ashanti. An avid and vocal supporter of the Ashanti & Ja dream team, it felt right to end with them, even though it also includes Fat Joe trying to tromp his way in for a threesome.

Kewlest Lyric: Ass is fat, frame is little, Tattoo in your chest with his name in the middle

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/20/15

1. Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton win runner up in July’s front page celeb divorce race. 

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If we’re going to rate the level of shock I was feeling at this announcement it’s probably falling around a 6, whereas my Ben/Jen shock level was at an 11. Ever since these two got married there’s been rumors of a divorce so that kind of paved the way for preparations. Don’t get me wrong they’re cute as shit together and it sucks that this happened, but in the wise words of my mother when she saw them at the Grammy’s together one year “Those two are going to get divorced right? They both seem like they want the spotlight and that doesn’t work in a marriage.” (Obviously she was forgetting about One Tree Hill…Naley <3, popstar+pro athlete=always&forever) ANYWAY it just seemed like maybe it wouldn’t really work out. RIP. Here’s hoping for some kickass breakup tunes from Miranda. Too soon?

2. Twitter Beef City, Population: Everyone. So like MTV, music videos and the PRESTIGIOUS VMA’s became relevant again this week in a big way as Nicki Minaj hopped aboard the WAHmbulance and tweeted mad shade because her music video full of buhholes (for a song that was a Baby Got Back remix) did not get nominated for video of the year. Anyway her complaint was that girls with donks don’t get no VMA love and Taylor was like excuse me but there’s no need for girl on girl hate and Nicki was like pshhh you’re not getting my point that I didn’t very clearly make in 160 characters or less and then the internet was like NICKI AND TAYLOR ARE PLOTTING EACH OTHER’S MURDERS when in reality no one was really mad at each other. They both luh and respect the other and made nice on twitter and Taylor told Nicki that she could TOTES join her onstage when she wins (cause she will.) Oh and also Katy Perry was like FOMO guys I need to also be included in this so she tweeted something incoherent with a lot of big words. Bai Katy. Go back to being a cheeto forever.

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Ed Sheeran and Bruno Mars (also best video of the year nominees) had a fake twitter feud to be like HAHA girls are stupid, let’s make fun of their petty internet fights. If you’re asking me for my opinion (which I assume you ALWAYS are) Ed deserves the W for video of the year. He learned how to ballroom dance like a BO$$ for this music video and it’s CRAZY good.

Although I feel like I recapped that fight flawlessly for those who missed it…you may reference the actual tweets below (well…the ones that haven’t been deleted, I’m looking at you Tay PR) for the full picture.

OH part 2 of twitter feuds this week was in the rap world, Meek Mill (I think Nicki Minaj’s other half?…apparently date night for them is calling people out on Twitter) got all up in Drake’s biz and ranted about how he hates him or something and that he uses a ghostwriter, which I’m not positive but I think using a ghostwriter in rap speak is like the biggest diss in America or so it seems. Also Meek’s pretty pezzed that Drake was featured on his album and didn’t also promote it on social media. Drake responded the best way possible…with radio silence. Drake OBVIOUSLY wins. Also if he does use a ghost writer I don’t want to know. I’d like to blissfully live in a world where a man who wears colorful knit sweaters also wrote this: “I got money to blow, letting these bills fall all over your skin.”

3. Miley to host the VMA’s. 

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No seriously, I wasn’t kidding when I said the VMA’s suddenly became relevant again this week. Miley announced she was hosting in a very typical ughhhh Miley way and I’m not even a little bit kidding when I say that I might not be able to stomach an entire awards show with this tongue-out trashmonster at the helm. Not even for the blog’s sake. Never forget: the epic N*SYNC comeback being OVERSHADOWED by Miley and Robin Thicke porking onstage to Blurred Lines. So instead of encouraging this…I will bring us back to what was once good about the VMA’s and this is how I will get through my afternoon in the cube.

4. Brett gives us a tasty lick and other new tunes. Preview of new music from Brett Eldredge who I would looooove to have “just a taste” of. Too much? Too little? Just enough? Listen here. MKTO also snuck out a new banger pre-release style and it’s good shit.

5. If Kelly Clarkson sings Bye, Bye, Bye without choregraphy, did it even happen? JK I’ll cut her a break because she did a slower version but actually…how does one sing the words bye, bye, bye and not at least do the hand part? It’s physically impossible. Not to brag but I did this number for karaoke in my last week of college and yelled crushed it at the end as I threw the mic back to the DJ. Why did I crush it? Because I did the choregraphy. Duh.

BONUS: The Broadway version of Full House is a thing that’s happening and I’m getting all the uncomfies just from the cast pic:

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Makes perfect sense that Michelle is the same age as her Uncle Jesse and also what’s so funny Deej?

And because I could never end on that note and leave you with Full House porn nightmares…please enjoy this super cute fat face baby pic from hunk Scott Eastwood.

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Pop Culture

Cringeworthy 90’s Boy Band Posters

Remember when you couldn’t wait to get the latest issue of J-14 or Teen Beat or Pop Star so that you could take the staples out and cover your walls with fashionably dressed teen pop hunk? If you’re wondering how ridiculous that seems today, look no further than this collection of weird boy band photoshoots that were once suuuuper attractive to teen girls and now it’s suuuuper embarrassing that I could ever scotch tape a picture of 5 guys dressed in overalls on my wall. I have graciously broken each example down by theme.

Trends come and go, but puppies are FURRRR-ever.

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We sing and do choreographed dance moves, but WE LIKE SPORTS TOO.

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Don’t judge us because we like the way silk feels…

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“One is silver and the other’s gold.”

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Mah dressed us.

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Whoutfits make us seem laid back and super casj.

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Peekaboo, we wear briefs!

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Denim isn’t cool unless it’s coordinated with your bros.

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We Woke Up Like This

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The THAT’S SO 90’s group hang

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Just in case you forget who we are…Check my bodysuit OR my visor.

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The smart outerwear look

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Only the finest of linens

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We have better jewelry than you (apparently Dreamstreet’s only styling tip)

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We do Xtreme stuff! SO HARDCORE.

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The “Happy Holidays, Grrrlll”

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WTF. No seriously. What could possibly be occurring here?

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And finally…the CLASSIC shirtless hunks with less desired members artfully placed/covered so as not to distract from the real man meat of the group:

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JT & Nick Lachey, front and center where they belong ❤

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 6/8/15

1. You get a reality show, you get a reality show, YOU ALL GET REALITY SHOWS. Apparently this was the week of oh, you’d like to be relevant again? Here’s your own show. Nick Lachey and Drew Lachey will have a show called “Raising the Bar” about the two of them opening a bar in Ohio. More famous bro helping out less famous bro open business… Wahlburgers knock-off, anyone?

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Ja Rule is going against my strongly worded advice to start popping out more bangers with Ashanti and instead doing a show about his family on MTV. Snooze. No one wants to see you be a dad, Ja…everyone wants to hear about you doing dirty things to Ashanti in a classic rap song.

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And finally Rev Run and Tyrese will be starting up a talk show based off of their love/relationship advice book Manology. I’m not proud of the fact that I read most of Manology. PS I spent about 40 minutes at work trying to find a tweet from 3 years ago with a RIDICULOUS Tyrese quote from this book and failed miserably…So instead I’ll leave you with this gem of a quote from the book: “A real woman is a freak in bed. A chef in the kitchen. A therapist during hard times & a coach when you’re off your game.” Oh, ok that’s all we need to be? Easy peasy.

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2. The Kristen Wiig/Will Ferrell Lifetime movie is happening. And you bet your bottom dollar I’ll be watching. This teaser is RIVETING.

3. TV reunions GALORE at ATX. This is a festival in Austin, TX that is known for rallying TV casts and hitting up everyone’s nostalgia. This past weekend had a Gilmore Girls reunion/panel, a mini reunion of some of the Friday Night Lights cast and a table reading of a Dawson’s Creek episode (not read by the original stars..which is weird…gimme more Pacey). Anyway my little TV obsessed heart near exploded at all of the goods. Here’s some pics. Gilmore Girls is really doing the circuit so I wouldn’t be surprised at the announcement of some type of reunion in the works…it also needs to be said that Luke is WOOOF now. So disappointing. There was much debate about Team Dean, Team Jess or Team Logan (FTR, I’m team everyone BUT Dean. What a wiener.) And Hep Alien did a little show as well.

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Stars of FNL who played Mindy & Billy Riggins and Tyra Colette got drunk and joked about a reunion and everyone took it too seriously. Texas Forever.

4. Holly Madison airs Playboy Mansion secrets. Holly is releasing another book and basically shitting all over the Playboy mansion. Ever since the Girls Next Door reality show I’ve NEEDED to know about how 3 girls under 30 think it’s aok to share a 90 year old man. Holly described the nightly routine of getting ready for bed and then each getting a turn with Hef where it was over as quickly as it had begun and it soookeedd. (As one would imagine sex with a grandpa would) She also hated her life and couldn’t wait to be released from the Heffinator’s clutches as #1 GF. Yiiiikkezzzz. This is barely news, but I found it interesting nonetheless. Does Hef still have sex slaves, I mean girlfriends? Is Hef still alive?

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5. Relationship Goals. Life Goals.

Sorry this week was lame for news. Hope this makes it better. If it doesn’t, we shouldn’t be friends.

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