Music, Pop Culture, Red Carpet

MTV VMA’s Red Carpet 2019

For the first time since 2016, I felt like I was familiar with enough singers & performances to endure the MTV VMA’s. And although they tried to dub themselves music’s biggest night, I wasn’t terribly disappointed! Am I getting cooler or is MTV just catering to my age demographic now? It’s the latter, obviously. There was a BO$$ performance from Missy Misdemeanor Elliott with a cameo from Alyson Stoner (her OG dancer) that brought the house down. Also featured: Taylor Swift, Jonas Brothers, Shawn Mendes & Camila Cabello NOT kissing but definitely creating some boner jams, Miley Cyrus and my queen Lizzo serving up some real talk. So, yes, this was an awards show for those above 25 and I accept. Here’s my breakdown of how everyone looked.

WORST

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I get that her hit song is sweet but a psycho but like do we really need to dress like it’s a comic con event to hammer it home?

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I DON’T UNDERSTAND TRENDS. THIS IS A WOMEN’S SUIT STRAIGHT FROM 1982. HE WON A FASHION AWARD LAST NIGHT. HOW.

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I’ve been dabbling in Snooki’s insta lately and even (gasp) browsed her online store and tbh I expected her to look a lot cuter. This weird rain coat with wedges combo didn’t hit for me.

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DJ Khaled’s style is dad at Señor Frogs and it makes me laugh out loud because WHAT A NERD.

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I’m having a real difficult time getting on board with gauchos again. They were in circa 2005, I bought 5 identical pairs of them including a sweatpants pair from AE (versatile) and now I look back at those pictures and scream laugh at how stupid they are. Please don’t bring them back. Put them away again. You should never have to question where someone’s legs/feet are.

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What fresh hell are these shoes that look like they have teeth on them?

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LOOFAH.

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Sorry Bella but this is weird as hell. What happens if you pull the straps on the bottom? Does her whole outfit scrunch together like the living room shade that it most definitely is? God I need to know.

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HALSEY. Cuuuuuutttt the shittttt. I’m so sick of seeing you in a dominatrix outfit every time you walk a carpet. YOU IS KIND. YOU IS BEAUTIFUL. STOP DRESSING LIKE A TRASHWAGON.

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These are drapes.

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Holy SHIT Allison. What’s the point in even wearing the dress?

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Taaaaacky.

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Just Diplo bein himself, forever on my worst dressed list.

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Great bod but ya’ll know how I feel about nearly nudes on the red carpet.

I get that we had a little throwback to the 2000’s night what with the Missy Elliott medley but by no means does that require a B. Spears snake copycat on the red carpet, LET ALONE TWO.

BEST

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FLOWER.PANTS.

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I’m loving Queen Latifah in orange. I’m loving her Asian tourist dubz peace sign EVEN MORE.

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I recently saw Bebe Rexha live and she turned me into a fan just by wearing leggings and shaking her ass an IMPRESSIVE amount all over the stage. Girl gives good thigh and I’m here for it.

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Best way to win a moonman? Dress like one. Respect.

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Covered up that butterfly tattoo with a nice teal suit.

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Never would’ve guessed J.Woww would be the classiest of the crew but she looks great. Living her best life without Roger.

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B2B yellow lewwwwkz. My favorite color of the moment.

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If you hate Lizzo and her cocky as shit persona then you have a big dump in your pants.

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COLORS. BLAZER WITH NO PANTS. OVER THE KNEE BOOTS. REVERSE SWEETHEART NECKLINE. WHIMSY. Her performance outfit was better, tbh but this works too.

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Pink suit really complements his blue hurrrr.

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I can’t shout out Tay’s blazer/over the knee boot combo deal without also shouting out Megan’s! #hotgirlsummer

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Billy Ray’s still got itttttttt

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Outfit looks great, I’m really concerned about the fact that Gigi is a model and her go-to red carpet move is a gaping mouth. Is that what models do now? Should I start opening my mouth for pics? Trick question I already do.

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Curveball–Lenny’s pulling OFF the Canadian tuxedo.

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Always love a subtle leopard.

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Gotta give all the props considering these three goobers wore emerald green, royal blue, and orange suits (respectively) on their stop in Albany last week and it looked like we were accidentally at a Wiggles concert. Keep it simple with greys and blacks, boys.

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DAAAYummnnNnn Whit looks like a babe soda!

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Love this move by Lil Nas X. Especially because he didn’t top it with a bejeweled cowboy hat.

TWINZZZZZZZIES. Literally. They’re wearing the exact same suit, one was the host of the show, one hosted the red carpet. Would be suuupes embarrassing if I didn’t LOVE a summer aqua. T wore it better. White sneaks awl day.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

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I don’t have words. Everything about this outfit is perfect.

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Music, Television

VMA’s Recap

We’re absolutely getting to the point where I’m too old for the VMA’s and nothing made that more clear than watching the pre-show with a shitload of people I didn’t even know. At least Sway is still around. As a very public Miley Cyrus h8er it pained me to watch a show where she was guaranteed so much screen and mic time. (Plus it created an outrageous number of “You don’t want to miss what Miley does next” teasers before EVERY COMMERCIAL BREAK.) But what can I say, I recap for the people so here are your highs and lows of the VMA’s.

Lows:

-MILEY. From the several gag-inducing neon rave outfits (with nothing left to the imagination) to the amount of times she felt it was necessary to remind us she loves pot and the grand finale song about weed/performance that made me want to hurl things at the TV, everything about her as host was AWFUL.

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-Macklemore AND RYAN LEWIS reenact their weird AF music video for new song Downtown that still makes my ears bleed out. (Also this gentleman with a ladies’ voice gives me nightmares.)

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-Whatever this horrific excuse for a bit was–definitely didn’t offend anyone. Too soon, Rebel, too soon. I’m obviously referring to seeing her in hot pants.

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-JBiebz HUUUUUGEEEE comeback sooooooked. He wore a trucker hat and headset like he was a member of N*SYNC but accented that with an oversized tee with leggings like I do when I have my period and I’m bloated, all black cause he has a lot of emotions. Speaking of emotions, he hysterically cries at the end of his garbage can performance, I’m assuming because he realized how terrible his voice is.

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-Pharell revives Newsies.

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-Kanye’s Video Vanguard speech is so Kanye. Taylor presents the award (for ratings) closing out her very scripted speech with a new version of “I’mma let you finish.” PLAY THIS OUT MORE, MTV. SERIOUSLY. IT’S ONLY BEEN 6 YEARS. Kanye takes the stage and allows everyone to worship him standing O style for a good 15 minutes. He soaks it in silently telling the audience that he’ll TELL THEM when they can stop applauding. Finally he gives their bleeding hands a break by saying “Bro, bro listen to the kids.” Now we’ll go into a segment where I highlight the few things I understood from this speech that went on all night as the uncomfies took over my life and ended with a presidential bid for 2020.

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SPEECH HIGHLIGHTS:

-He addresses the audience as Bro or Bruh. If I closed my eyes it was almost as if I was hearing a presidential address from ABROham Lincoln. Chills.

-Yeezy thinks about the 2009 VMA’s when he’s having in-depth juice discussions at Whole Foods.

-Gets boo’ed at baseball games because of his inclination toward Hennessy in 2009.

-He probably regrets wearing a leather shirt more than he regrets ripping the mic out of Taylor’s dainty little hands.

-Thoroughly enjoyed JT’s album entitled “Future Love Sexy Back” AKA “Sexy Back album”

-He watched Justin Timberlake cry at the Grammy’s after losing for aforementioned made up album.

-Kanye pre-gamed this speech with some of Miley’s kush. JUST TO TAKE THE EDGE OFF…CHILL, BRUH.

-Any time he’s at a loss for words he shouts “listen to the kids” which seems like terrible advice since kids are really stupid. Then again…Kanye’s an adult. So–catch 22.

-He doesn’t understand how awards shows work.

-He is running for president in 2020. (CAN YOU IMAGINE KIM KARDASHIAN AS FIRST LADY THOUGH?)

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Highs:

-NICK JONAS CROTCH GRAB.

-The Wildest Dreams video. Obviously. I see what you did there, Tay. You made this video just so you could mack all up on Scott Eastwood. Respect. (Full breakdown of video comin atcha, whether you want it or NAHT.)

-Opening peformance from Nicki Minaj where her RB curtz AND buhhole were politely covered by red feathers. My eyes thank you, Nicki. Tay shoots out of the stage with her infamous erect pageant arm in a matching red number for an over the top beef squashing. Tay sang Bad Blood for a second then they were like LAWLZ JK WE’RE FRIENDS! NO BAD BLOOD HERE!

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-Kanye is really into smiling and Taylor Swift’s the SHIT out of audience dancing during “Can’t Feel My Face”. Grey Goose (Marijuana) got the girl feeling loose.

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-Nicki wins—stands at the bottom of the steps until Rebel Wilson comes down to get her and then at the end of her acceptance speech decides to take her hoops off and ask Miley WHATS GOOD, BITCH. It’s a good thing Miley is on another stage because she absolutely poops herself and is like heh you know that was taken out of context Nicki, we good, right grrrlll? I get that this was all 100% scripted because Nicki laughed after it but I don’t care one bit because I now know that Miley can dish it but she can’t take it and I would watch Nicki curbstomp her ANY day. CELEBRITY DEATH MATCH GOOOOOOOO!

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-Tori Kelly SLAY GIRL SLAY. She wears a skintight sparkly jumpsuit that gives me the tingles and lets that killer voice of hers roar on “Should’ve Been Us”. R.I.P to every other performance because this was the only one worth watching all night. Pure talent. Watch in full here

-Demi Lovato did “Cool for the Summer”, a song that I can take or leave but she looked FAB despite being surrounded by men in neon speedos. Iggy came for a quick rap and also looked gr8, then finished with Demi crowd surfing in an inflatable pool, cause summer.

-Tay wins video of the year for Bad Blood, pretends she knows anything about Straight Outta Compton but then gives us this beautiful quote, “We live in a world where boys can play princesses and girls can play soldiers” promptly followed by Miley’s nipple. That sums up the MTV VMA’s better than anything. Goodnight and good luck to our future as human beings.

Winners:

Best Pop Video- Blank Space, Taylor Swift

Best Male Video-Uptown Funk Mark Ronson Ft. Bruno Mars

Best Hip Hop Video- Anaconda, Nicki Minaj

Best Female Video- Blank Space, Taylor Swift

Video with a Social Message- One Man Can Change the World, Big Sean, John Legend, Kanye West

Artist to Watch- Fetty Wap

Video of the Year- Bad Blood, Taylor Swift ft. Kendrick Lamar

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/20/15

1. Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton win runner up in July’s front page celeb divorce race. 

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If we’re going to rate the level of shock I was feeling at this announcement it’s probably falling around a 6, whereas my Ben/Jen shock level was at an 11. Ever since these two got married there’s been rumors of a divorce so that kind of paved the way for preparations. Don’t get me wrong they’re cute as shit together and it sucks that this happened, but in the wise words of my mother when she saw them at the Grammy’s together one year “Those two are going to get divorced right? They both seem like they want the spotlight and that doesn’t work in a marriage.” (Obviously she was forgetting about One Tree Hill…Naley <3, popstar+pro athlete=always&forever) ANYWAY it just seemed like maybe it wouldn’t really work out. RIP. Here’s hoping for some kickass breakup tunes from Miranda. Too soon?

2. Twitter Beef City, Population: Everyone. So like MTV, music videos and the PRESTIGIOUS VMA’s became relevant again this week in a big way as Nicki Minaj hopped aboard the WAHmbulance and tweeted mad shade because her music video full of buhholes (for a song that was a Baby Got Back remix) did not get nominated for video of the year. Anyway her complaint was that girls with donks don’t get no VMA love and Taylor was like excuse me but there’s no need for girl on girl hate and Nicki was like pshhh you’re not getting my point that I didn’t very clearly make in 160 characters or less and then the internet was like NICKI AND TAYLOR ARE PLOTTING EACH OTHER’S MURDERS when in reality no one was really mad at each other. They both luh and respect the other and made nice on twitter and Taylor told Nicki that she could TOTES join her onstage when she wins (cause she will.) Oh and also Katy Perry was like FOMO guys I need to also be included in this so she tweeted something incoherent with a lot of big words. Bai Katy. Go back to being a cheeto forever.

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Ed Sheeran and Bruno Mars (also best video of the year nominees) had a fake twitter feud to be like HAHA girls are stupid, let’s make fun of their petty internet fights. If you’re asking me for my opinion (which I assume you ALWAYS are) Ed deserves the W for video of the year. He learned how to ballroom dance like a BO$$ for this music video and it’s CRAZY good.

Although I feel like I recapped that fight flawlessly for those who missed it…you may reference the actual tweets below (well…the ones that haven’t been deleted, I’m looking at you Tay PR) for the full picture.

OH part 2 of twitter feuds this week was in the rap world, Meek Mill (I think Nicki Minaj’s other half?…apparently date night for them is calling people out on Twitter) got all up in Drake’s biz and ranted about how he hates him or something and that he uses a ghostwriter, which I’m not positive but I think using a ghostwriter in rap speak is like the biggest diss in America or so it seems. Also Meek’s pretty pezzed that Drake was featured on his album and didn’t also promote it on social media. Drake responded the best way possible…with radio silence. Drake OBVIOUSLY wins. Also if he does use a ghost writer I don’t want to know. I’d like to blissfully live in a world where a man who wears colorful knit sweaters also wrote this: “I got money to blow, letting these bills fall all over your skin.”

3. Miley to host the VMA’s. 

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No seriously, I wasn’t kidding when I said the VMA’s suddenly became relevant again this week. Miley announced she was hosting in a very typical ughhhh Miley way and I’m not even a little bit kidding when I say that I might not be able to stomach an entire awards show with this tongue-out trashmonster at the helm. Not even for the blog’s sake. Never forget: the epic N*SYNC comeback being OVERSHADOWED by Miley and Robin Thicke porking onstage to Blurred Lines. So instead of encouraging this…I will bring us back to what was once good about the VMA’s and this is how I will get through my afternoon in the cube.

4. Brett gives us a tasty lick and other new tunes. Preview of new music from Brett Eldredge who I would looooove to have “just a taste” of. Too much? Too little? Just enough? Listen here. MKTO also snuck out a new banger pre-release style and it’s good shit.

5. If Kelly Clarkson sings Bye, Bye, Bye without choregraphy, did it even happen? JK I’ll cut her a break because she did a slower version but actually…how does one sing the words bye, bye, bye and not at least do the hand part? It’s physically impossible. Not to brag but I did this number for karaoke in my last week of college and yelled crushed it at the end as I threw the mic back to the DJ. Why did I crush it? Because I did the choregraphy. Duh.

BONUS: The Broadway version of Full House is a thing that’s happening and I’m getting all the uncomfies just from the cast pic:

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Makes perfect sense that Michelle is the same age as her Uncle Jesse and also what’s so funny Deej?

And because I could never end on that note and leave you with Full House porn nightmares…please enjoy this super cute fat face baby pic from hunk Scott Eastwood.

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