Every year when the back to college blues hit, MTV really hammers it home with the VMA’s. An annual reminder that I’m too old for this shit. I don’t know who half of the rappers and singers are that youths are listening to these days, and I’m forced to endure 3 hours of buhholes and Kanye “bro” West free speech–just so I don’t have Twitter FOMO. To make up for this full night of garbage TV, I’m going to judge red carpet outfits real hard.

WORST

Ariana may be nailing all the 90’s kewl kid trends these days with the off the shoulder and choker, but that hair and the way too long biz slacks are really buzzkilling it.

I legitimately was shocked that Fat Joe was still alive. Joe Crack the Don is looking scary as ever in those pastel blue pants.

What happened to our sweet little JoJo in boys suck graphic tees?

YIKES, Nick. Yikes.

Remember when Cassie was in Step Up 2 the Streets? Lolz.

This is the VMA’s, not the Met Ball Ansel

Naomi’s dress is an actual chair cover.

I would pay lots of money to see a chick wear these shoes downtown at the bars and watch her try to walk in them.

We get it, Joe Jonas. You’re edgy now that you sing about sex. The leather overalls are just unnecessary though. Loveralls.

I guess MTV awards is the exact place to make this statement since they made Nev famous but like also no one knows who his girl is, so this kind of defeats the purpose of going balls to the wall and showing up to a red carpet topless and about to deliver any second.

BEST

Don’t understand a damn thing this bro sings/raps/whatevers but this jacket is fire.

It took me a minute to get used to this but I’m down now. It’s fun and her nips are covered, which is hard to find on the VMA’s red carpet.

HASHTAG FINAL FIVEEEEEE. But seriously they all look adorbs and age approps.

Could’ve done without the slicked hair but Heidi looks like she’s a supermodel or something in this mini.

All the respect for Alicia Keys rolling through with no makeup (and still looking better than me with a full face of makeup) as well as using her actual bomb ass singing voice onstage, amidst a show full of shitty lip syncers. Real recognizes real.

Major key: Khaled makes the best dressed solely because he’s not wearing slides with another one printed on them. (read: my standards are rock bottom)

I never thought this day would come, but Nicki actually looks good and her buhhole isn’t hanging out.

Brit looks okay, this jabroni with the open velour shirt can kick rocks right out of here though.

I’m woman enough to admit when Kimmy K looks good and bitch looks good here.

Yeah, Nick get IT with that chevron!

Giving a lot of bro love today for their fresh patterned jackets.

If we’re being honest I think Blue’s outfit crushes Beyonce’s but IT’S NOT A COMPETITION, GUYS.

And since I refuse to dedicate a whole blog to recap here are my tidbits:

-Was there a host? If the host was supposed to be Key & Peele, they clearly have no gauge on when to ditch a bit that was drowning from the beginning.

-The VMA’s should just come out and advertise as the Lip Sync Awards because it’s actually embarrassing how many dance medleys happened with no effort at all to appear like they’re singing. (COUGH COUGH BRITNEY & RIRI)

-Rihanna may have been awarded with the video vanguard (and “performed” too many times to count) but Beyonce was the real winner of last night with her Lemonade medley that brought white girls to their knees.The only thing that could’ve made it better was Jay onstage feeling Queen B’s fur coat wrath.

-Halsey and the Chainsmokers guy are definitely banging, also they ruined my new fave song of the summer by showing us what their live voices sound like.

-Rihanna could not care less that Drake is so obsessed with her. Seriously, he was like I’ve been in love with you since birth and she was like thanks for the speech, bro.

And lastly, HASHTAG ART.

Even though you couldn’t physically see my face when I watched this video, pls know that my eyes rolled directly out of my head and down the block.