JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 2/22/2021

1. Rough Week is an Understatement.

As you may have heard, Lady Gaga is in Italy and while her dog walker was out walking her three dogs, he was shot in the chest and the dogs were stolen. Tiger Woods flipped his car this week and has been in the hospital getting surgery and yet we’ve heard more about Lady Gaga’s missing dogs. While I understand having an attachment to your dogs and basically loving them more than humans, I’m a little uncomfy with the fact that a human being was SHOT and all we’re hearing about is that the dogs are still missing and there’s a reward for their safe return. Should we hope that the dogs are ok? Of course. But can we also take a beat to acknowledge that a person walking them was gunned down? Also this seems INCREDIBLY extreme. These dogs are small, I feel like you could easily steal them without bullets. Gaga has asked anyone with tips to email and is offering a $500,000 reward for any leads. After watching far too many true crime docs, once there’s foul play, it really complicates a heist. There’s no way these scumbags just turn in the dogs scot-free…again dumb on their part because they obviously could’ve easily extorted the money out of her if they hadn’t rolled through with glocks. Anyway, hopefully her dog walker and the pups are all ok…and also Tiger who I literally haven’t heard a peep about since his crash on Tuesday.

2. Haz is SO Hollywood.

Ask and you shall receive. I wanted more content from these two and JAMES CORDEN DELIVERED. Shout out to my sister for tipping me off to this one and in her words, it’s 17 minutes long but it goes quick when you’re obsessed with Harry like we are. If you’re not, cliff notes version is Harry is adorable, Meghan calls him Haz, Archie’s first word was crocodile (ELITE), he doesn’t mind the show The Crown because it’s fiction (WINK) and although his family basically got mad about them taking a step back and retaliated by kicking them out, Harry says he’s never walking away. So TAKE THAT, QUEENIE. Also important to note that there’s a lengthy story about how Archie (his 1 and a half year old son) wanted a waffle maker for Christmas and so the Queen had one sent over–prob Amazon Prime..Royals they’re just like us. And at several points in the story I was waiting for the punchline or an admission that a toddler who yaps about crocodiles probably isn’t super into Belgian waffles but that never happened. It was literally just a long story about how they all eat waffles every morning courtesy of the Queen. If Harry’s going to continue to do late night appearances he might want to beef up his storytelling but we’ll let this one slide because he’s just so lovable.

3. Men Are Trash.

This happened a week ago but it fired me TF up so I felt obligated to include it. Back in June, I reported on Chris being the latest in a long line of pervs of Hollywood to be outed. Refresh yourself HERE. After making one of the WORST statements you could possibly make after several underaged girls come out and accuse you of being a perv, Chris went radio silent and off the grid until this past week. He disappeared for 9 months and this was his first statement. As I suspect you won’t want to watch the whole thing, I did us all a service and watched it painfully in full. Although the timing of the statement, the button down shirt and the classy wood paneled background were all planned to a T by whatever publicist was #blessed with Chris as a client, the statement itself was unscripted and BOY was it rough to listen to. If I may sum it up for you, Chris stands by the fact that all of his relationships were legal and consensual and boils it all down to the fact that he has a sex addiction and thought he was just lucky enough to be able to use his notoriety to bang mad chicks. He’s taken this time off to go to therapy and address his issues and work things out with his baby mama who he cheated on a whole lot. That’s pretty much it. There was a lot of stumbling and repeating himself, not a whole lot of apologies and although he admitted everything that came out looked bad…HE KINDA GLOSSED OVER THE FACT THAT MANY UNDERAGED GIRLS HAD RECEIPTS. And what is probably the most baffling about this two-bit awkward bumbling apology after 9 months of hiding and waiting for the storm to blow over is that it was WELL RECEIVED. People were like licking his butthole to tell him how happy they are that he’s back, they’re proud of him for owning up and apologizing, they hate cancel culture. blah blah blah. These are the same MF’ers who DEMANDED an apology from JT and when he gave one they were like shove your apology, you sexist pig, we hate you still. HOW. Where I come from, if you have sex with underaged girls, you are a pedo. Even if somehow there was no evidence of that, we live in #MeToo Hollywood and the sheer volume of women that he was using his “fame” to bang is enough to end his lukewarm career. And yet apparently not. Apparently this aw shucks I just really loved sex apology absolves all sins. Good to know.

4. Nick Broke Up The Band Again.

Well lookie, lookie here! A year after this EMOTIONAL Jonas Brothers reunion where they released docs about how Nick broke up the bros for his solo career and a whole lot of bangers, it looks like history is repeating itself. Nick was like y’all can’t hold me down! This is his latest single, he’ll be doing SNL as both host and musical guest this weekend and a full album is to follow. So I guess just like Taylor Swift, lockdown inspired Nick to write except instead of creating acoustic folk songs, he created baby makin slow jamz. Not 100% in love with this song…was really looking for a bop and this overproduced ditty about being lonely AF is REALLY NOT HELPING RIGHT NOW. So I’ll hold out and hope that once Covid is over (lol it’ll never be over) the brethren will once again start jamming as a trio.

5. Awwwwwwwwkwerd.

When I cringe, you cringe. A few weeks ago it was rumored that Aaron Rodgers and Shailene Woodley were dating, and everyone was like huh weird pairing and then carried on living their lives. Then Aaron casually slipped into his award acceptance that he couldn’t have done this season without his fiance. And we were like oh so now they’re engaged? Well now it is confirmed by Shai Shai herself, in the only way she knows how, awkwardly. I L-O-V-E how she’s all, it’s weird that everyone is freaking out because this isn’t new for us at all. And then proceeds to talk about how she’s never been to one of his football games because they started dating during Covid. You don’t have the right to say your engagement is old news if you’ve barely been dating for 6 months to begin with. We found out they were dating and they were engaged at the same time, and something tells me they pretty much did as well. Ev’ry Happiness To Ya Both, tho! Probably will last about as long as Paris Hilton’s 4th engagement.

BONUS:

Mr & Mrs Flamhaff warmed all of our hearts with this adorable instagram and I felt like we could all use a little nostalgic love this week. Ok fine, I could really use it. This gives me hope that fictional characters from a movie made 10 years ago are living happily ever after in their dollhouse with razzle red tongues. Also an ideal time to remind everyone of my one true wish for my 30th birthday this year…if anyone has magic wishing dust connects holla atcha gurl before May 15th.

ANOTHA BONUS:

Two whole-ass SNL skits made me laugh this week and that is unheard of these days. SNL is so irrelevant and unfunny now that I barely even tolerate a full Youtube clip of a sketch but since I consumed both Bridgerton and Drivers License, I took a few minutes out of my VERY busy days to check out these timely skits and I was pleasantly surprised.

Anytime you get a group of guys swaying to RED LIGHTS, STOP SIGNS it’s gonna be a 10/10. Plus the teenage girl in me LOVED that they were #TeamOlivia and shaded that little twerp Joshua. KICK ROCKS, JOSH.

This was just complete stupidity and I loved it., plus Chloe Fineman nailed the Daphne impression. These two creepster clowns with their weird voices simulating a brother and sister banging got me right in the funny bone and I’m not afraid to admit it. Also as someone who pretty much never thinks Pete Davidson is funny, I just gave a Salty Ju stamp of approval to TWO skits he was in. I think I need to get out more. JK I can’t because Covid. Have a good weekend everyone, I’ll just be at home doing #HotGirlShit in my fleece tie dye overalls onesie.

@thesaltyju

A little late to this trend…probably because I’m a side part lovin’ millennial 😂 #hotgirlshit #loungewearorchastitybelt #onesiesquad #feelinggood

♬ busy doin hot girl ish – Chelsea
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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 2/15/2021

1. An Ex-Royal Bebe.

Screen Shot 2021-02-18 at 9.26.02 PM

These two may not be royals anymore but they are the King and Queen of photogenic. Every milestone they’ve absolutely nailed the photo. Also important to note, the photographer who took this is in London and “captured it via iPad.” HOW. So you Facetimed them and took a screenshot? Like at what point are we going to cut the shit with the ‘we can do everything the same remotely as we do in person’ trend. Photography over an iPad is just TAKING A PHOTO ON AN iPAD. If you told me this was taken with a self timer propped up on some books I would’ve believed you. What does that say about this photographer? I just bought a ring light for 14 bucks at Homegoods and I have a tripod, so I guess that makes me a photographer too. Also let it be noted that the first time I saw my face in that ring light I gasped at how old I looked. That shit really illuminates every nook and cranny…it’s like the dressing room lights at TJMaxx. #Unforgiving. ANYWAY, professional iPad photography aside, Congrats to these two beauts on another beeebz. The gossip in me would LOVE to know if they shared the news with the Queen first or just announced it to the world now that they’ve quit the palace and moved to the US. No protocols here! Get knocked up and share it on Insta if you like…don’t need an official scroll from the Palace with the Queen’s crest to make the statement. Basically what I’m getting at here is that I’ve read enough books and watched enough shows about how the Royal Family is really a big ole shitshow full of lies and scandal, so any sneak peek into that I’ll eat right up. Give us a tell-all about how this royal family breakup went down. Celeb news has been a little dry lately and I just finished 12 seasons of the Real Housewives of NY so I need this BTS scoop like I need air to breathe. HIT US WITH A DOC, NETFLIX. Oprah’s trying to help us out with a full televised interview on CBS March 7th but something tells me this will be full of softballs.

2. Paris is Engaged…again.

proposal

I had to google this for accuracy but this is Paris’ FOURTH engagement. Girl gets a diamond ring every few years just for shits and giggs. This one’s gonna stick though. Well, let me put it this way, Paris claims this is the first time she’s actually been in love. So I guess that makes it a better shot than the previous 3? But also, this is Hollywood…so I’ll either be reporting that she’s pregnant or that they’re broken up in about 5 weeks time. Mark ya calendars. I think my favorite part about this engagement is that she directed everyone on Instagram to her website for the full story and when I landed on her website there were SEVERAL photo galleries of the proposal, including a YOUTUBE VIDEO ON THE DESIGN OF HER ENGAGEMENT RING. I guess when you get proposed to four times, you start to really monetize the occasion. If you want a good belly laugh – check it out here. Otherwise, peep below for her big ole honkin diamond appropriately named “Paris”, accented by bedazzled fingerless gloves and an early 2000’s gel french mani. That’s hot.

ringparisandcarter

3. I AM GETTING VERY EXCITED.

Demi dropped the full trailer for her upcoming doc that will give all of the dirty deets of her overdose. Here are my kneejerk reactions in watching order: Demi announcing she’s just gonna say it all and then they can take out whatever they don’t want to use. Oh, honey. That’s how documentaries work. Give the whole story then they edit it to create a narrative. Thank you for that Ted Talk. ELTON JOHN?! Her friends (I’m assuming) who were like THIS IS CRAZY, YOU DON’T WANT THE REAL STORY, OH ARE WE TALKING ABOUT HEROIN??… ummmm ARE YA NEW? I get that we’re trying to create a “real and honest” vibe here, but we understand how movies get made. We don’t need to see a bunch of idiots act surprised that they’re filming a doc and telling a story. Just spit it out. Hit us with some hard truths. Like for instance, this song, which is an absolute bangpiece. Someone telling her, “It’s only going to get better from here” one month before overdose hits REAL hard. So does her announcing her engagement. Yikes on bikes. Three strokes and a heart attack. Daaaaaaammmnnnnn. March 23rd can’t come fast enough, yo. (You know I’ll basically recap every moment of this doc the minute it comes out so just come on back for the deets afterward.)

4. Cruella.

Oh, ok Emma Stone, we see you! I guess we just take every animated movie Disney has ever made and remake it with actors now–even though this one was technically done already with Glen Close. That’s the phase of Hollywood we’re at now. Sequels and live action Disney films. Normally I wouldn’t give this a second look because I like my Disney classics right where we left them, in the Disney vault and occasionally played all weekend on ABC Family (I’ll never call it Freeform.) In fact ABC Fam decided Valentine’s Day was a perfect theme for childhood movies and did a marathon this past weekend. I made myself a pan of cinnamon buns and caught Tarzan–because nothing says day of love like filthy humans going into forests and killing gorillas for no reason. Tarzan’s a tough one for me because Phil Collins went hard in the paint on the soundtrack. Just bop after bop. Even the sad songs have a little pep in their step. And so I get excited when I hear the music and then immediately remember that Tarzan is one of the more depressing Disney flicks. Animal cruelty just isn’t for me. Kill off a parent or two, fine. We’ll get through it. Kill off a parent that is ALSO A GORILLA for absolutely no reason? SAVAGE. That’s a can’t watch for me. My favorite Disney movies are: Aladdin, The Little Mermaid, Mulan, Anastasia and Beauty and the Beast. My LEAST favorites are: Lady and the Tramp, Bambi, The Fox and the Hound & 101 Dalmatians. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist for you to figure out that anytime an animal gets hurt in a movie, I hate it. So this rant brought me back to the original topic, which is telling you that that I’ve seen 101 Dalmatians exactly one time and I was so horrified that I never watched it again. This new version seems like more of a “how did this bitch turn into a real puppy kicker” kind of perspective. I’m down for that. I’m mostly intrigued by watching Emma Stone play something other than adorable. But let me be the first to say if she so much as looks at a dog wrong in this movie, I’m walking out (of my living room because theaters are cancelled forever basically.) Dalmatians are kind of a-hole dogs but that doesn’t mean they deserve to be skinned for a fur coat. Can we make it a rule going forward that all Disney movies love and respect animals? Even if they’re cats. That’s big of me to say, so please give me all the credit in the world. Disney is supposed to be wholesome and for children. No more animals dying, plz. Now let Phil play us out.

@marz.gif

phil collins was in is bag every damn time and no one can convince me otherwise. don’t get me STARTED on what he did for Tarzan #fyp #foryou

♬ original sound – marz 🧍🏾‍♀️

5. REEEALLLY Stretching Here.

This is just overflow from last week because the second I smashed publish on last week’s JUice, JT released an official apology. Also, I have nothing else to report on this week so midas whale tell you what I think about this turd coming out of the woodwork for a 20 years too late iPhone note. Obviously the people demanded JT speak up after revisiting his total butthole actions from the early 2000’s stomping out Britney to create his solo success. Then he released this and everyone was like you’re trash go away. Teaching us the evergreen lesson that you’ll never please the masses so maybe just quit while you’re ahead. For PR purposes, JT definitely had to make a statement here but I would most certainly hope that the real apology was given to Britney and Janet personally as well. It’s a little late to be like oopsie sorry I was a total dick forever ago, as a white male I want to grow. K, bud. We got it. It’s also timely that Justin is promoting his new flick on Apple TV+ that has heavy themes around gender and learning how to handle things the right way so naturally it’s a necessary PR move to speak out–kinda like when he got caught cheating on his wife while filming the aforementioned movie. I don’t hate JT (I can’t, he was my first love) but I don’t really like him lately either. If he’d like to get back in my good graces he can either #FreeBritney or he can drop another album. Also, everyone reporting that Jessica Biel responded to his apology can kick rocks. She commented on his instagram “I Love You <3” WHAT A RESPONSE!!!!!!!! So as my eyes pop directly out of my skull and roll down the block, let’s take a trip down memory lane to the last time JT publicly had to apologize and how super smooth that went.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 2/8/2021

1. Surprise, Bitch.

Anyone who knows me personally and/or has read even one sentence of this blog knows that I’m a Taylor stan but what some of you might not know is that I keep it real with Tay. I love her music, I love her genius marketing and I love her dramatics. But I can also call her on her shit. And when the word was making the rounds that she was appearing on GMA Thursday morning for a surprise announcement, my immediate reaction was no more surprises, plz. Like enough is enough Taylor. There’s only so much a girl can take. Folklore was amazing, Evermore was not and I put it on record that if her next surprise was a third album of wrist-slitters, I was OUT.

I completely forgot that while she was writing the most depressing music of her life, she was also re-recording her life’s work up until Lover. Taylor Swift is 9 trillion percent the type of person that goes on vacation, sits on the beach for exactly 3 seconds and then says she needs to do something else because she’s bored. Never one to take a chill pill of course her surprise announcement was the re-release of Fearless…but WAIT THERE’S MORE…she added 6 songs FROM THE VAULT like she’s Walt Disney up in this bitch. LISTEN TO THEM NOW OR THEY’LL GO BACK INTO THE VAULT….FOREVER.

Also gurl couldn’t even actually be live for the “SECRET ANNOUNCEMENT”?! Next time just post the scripted marketing video right to your socials. What’s the point of even including GMA in this bullshit? Obviously I’m not holding back anymore. I’m all for her re-recording her old stuff to feel empowered and feel ownership over her songs. I’ve obviously talked everyone’s ear off about this issue at this point so you should know that I see both sides of the coin here. Taylor is an artist who writes her own songs and has a massive amount of creative control over what she puts out into the universe (which is rare these days) and yet she also signed a contract giving those rights away to a record company. Real Catch-22. Scooter’s obviously a dick for selling the rights to her music and not even allowing her the opportunity to buy them back. So do it up girlfran, re-record old songs, release shit from the mysterious Taylor vault (especially that uncut All Too Well) but ALSO don’t expect me to be emptying my pockets for 100 new songs from you. I am THE MOST unemployed. I cannot handle any more of this. Every time she drops a record she drops 6 weeks of new merch with it, and guess what? I want it all. But I’M NOT MADE OF MONEY. And that’s where I start to get REAL annoyed. It’s one thing to take back your rights and #Feminism and all, it’s another thing to expect your fans to not listen to 10+ years of your music ever again because you no longer own it. That ain’t our fault.

Obviously Taylor loves her surprises and clues so she just had to code April 9th into the above message, which is when we’ll get the whole album. Again. I will not be re-buying each and every album, especially if they’re going to ALL SOUND EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE MUSIC SHE ALREADY SOLD US 10 YEARS AGO. WHAT IS DIFFERENT ABOUT THIS “VERSION?”

2. Say It Louder for the People in the Back…FREE BRITNEY

Paparazzi are the SCUM of the earth. Unless of course they’re taking pictures of Ben Affleck dropping his Amazon packages and Dunks.

The NY Times dropped a doc about Britney Spears last weekend and it has been ALL THE RAGE on social media. As I am a pop culture expert and a self-proclaimed doc aficionado (look no further than my doc rundown from quarantine) it’s almost as if this one was made just for me. For those of you who don’t remember, the #FreeBritney movement sparked up over the summer after superfans of Brit declared that she was using her social media to throw smoke signals that she is being held against her will in a conservatorship. For close to 15 years, her dad has run her life and her finances, claiming she’s mentally unfit to do so. And something about this is A LOT fishy, and yet we literally have NO proof of foul play here. So this doc is essentially an hour and fifteen minutes of assumptions and hearsay that Britney needs our help to set her free. And for that reason, and many more that I will detail for you at length because this is my platform and I can say whatever I want, I will tell you that the doc is interesting and I recommend watching it if you’re intrigued by the topic, but I wouldn’t say it’s a well-done, critically acclaimed doc. First and foremost, we’ve got one of the BIGGEST media sources in the world making a documentary about how the media is bad. And that is R I C H. The narrative that they’ve formed is that Britney has been treated like garbage by the media for her entire career and essentially that’s what got her in this current jail-type situation. Are the NY Times feeling a little guilty for playing a part in her demise and making this doc as penance? Perhaps. Or are they feeding right into their own story by using their platform to tell a story that maybe isn’t true….KINDA MAKES YOU THINK, NO? In response to this, the media has been demanding apologies left and right, trying to cancel anyone who shit on Britney during her breakdown…which again has turned out to be top notch entertainment. Pot, meet Kettle. (I say this with the MOST self awareness in the world because this very blog is 100% a part of the problem and I wholeheartedly accept that. I find celebrities and pop culture fascinating and I’m going to spout my opinions about it all–salacious or not. But I’m also never going to hop right up on my high horse and be like YOU ARE ALL WRONG, WHAT I’M DOING DOESN’T COUNT, YOU BETTER APOLOGIZE OR ELSE!!)

Other than me critiquing the big bad Media for being a bunch of big booty big ole hypocrites, the parts that I found most interesting about this doc were the flashbacks to OG interview clips. Watching those as an adult was a real eye opener. I loved Brit and I loved N*SYNC and my pre-teen ass never gave a second thought to creepy old men reporters asking about her boobs and her sex life or GASP Justin Timberlake doing her DIRTY by trampling her to boost his solo career. My guy JT did NOT look good in this doc, I’ll tell you that. Not sure how I missed him announcing on a radio interview that he banged Britney but YOIKES that was rough. You know what else was rough? How creeptastic Brit’s fans are. Doing podcasts dissecting her instagram photos, showing up at the courtroom to picket, I mean these guys are really giving the Taylor stans who have WHITEBOARDS full of clues to guess what surprise is next a run for their money. And last bu certainly not least in my hot takes…a pro tip: including certified creep Matt Lauer in any capacity is a HUGE strike here. How are we supposed to be on your side when you’re giving a rapist air time? You can get back to me on that one, NY Times. Anyway, got carried away there. Basically just transcribed the whole doc (spoiler alert lololol.) The point is, watch this doc if you want to see how maybe the LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE guy wasn’t so crazy after all, but also keep in mind that absolutely no one in the Spears family sanctioned this doc or contributed to it and therefore it’s about as reliable as a fan TikTok. But still, #FreeBritney.

PS: There was another trial for her conservatorship this week and in a minor victory, Brit was able to secure a bank as co-conservator of her finances so that her dad doesn’t have his greasy hands on it solo dolo. This is good news but what would be GREAT news is if that rat Jamie Spears was banished from this country and stopped pilfering all of his daughter’s money and controlling her every move, allegedly.

3. A Drunk Goat.

Tom Brady won the Super Bowl…for the seventh time. The parade was this week in Florida where if you haven’t been keeping up, Covid doesn’t exist so IT’S PARTY TIME, BAYBAY! And Tommy Football let looose. They had a boat parade, which if you ask me is the best kind of parade. Nothing tops day drinking ON THE PONTOON in the sun. After this video of Tom being walked off the boat surfaced, the drunk content just started piling in and it brought me immense joy. This guy is a specimen. He is in his 40’s and looks better now than he did when he was 20. He is on a strict diet and workout plan so that he can continue to dominate on the football field and you know what? HE DESERVES TO GET WHITE GIRL WASTED ON A BOAT. Before you chirp me, I’ve already heard the stories that he wasn’t actually drunk or that he was faking it for lolz and I will hear none of it. Sloshed Tom Brady makes me happy and YOU CAN’T TAKE THAT FROM ME. LET US HAVE IT. He’s stumbling around with that goofy shit-eating grin, tossing the Lombardi trophy over open water like it’s one of his kid’s toys and posing for the ‘gram with his goon squad. He is an American treasure.

And the above video begs the question…how many times was my dad carrying me as a small child while also absolutely trashed. LMK, Den. Over/Under 10?

4. Roast City, Population: Wendy’s.

Since I rambled real hard above, I’ll close out the JUice this week with fun things on the internet that gave me a case of the giggles. Since we typically hear about social media blunders and people who run big brand accounts getting fired for being racist or inapprops, I thought it would be nice to spotlight the opposite. The team or individual that runs the Wendy’s Twitter is killin it as they kicked off #NationalRoastDay with a bunch of sick burns to big brands and nobodies alike. If you wanted to get twitter bitch slapped, all you had to do was tweet at Wendy’s yesterday to take yourself down a peg. Here’s a collection of some of my favorites. Feel free to search #NationalRoastDay on Twitter for them all. Wendy’s: known for their Frosty’s, nuggs & brutal zingers. That little redhead is a FIRECRACKER.

5. I Am Not a Cat.

The only Zoom faux pa that had me laughing out loud and that is 1. because of those dramatically sad cat eyes roaming all over the joint and 2. because this guy had to LITERALLY say he’s not a cat. WELL GOLLY GEE WILLIKERS ROD, I THOUGHT THE PANDEMIC HAD TRANSFORMED YOU INTO A CAT WITH VERY MOIST CARTOON EYES. How Jerry and H. Gibbs (what a rich professional name) didn’t hysterically laugh at this is beyond me. I cannot for a second hold my facial expressions, which is why I can’t stand the Zoom life but these two put on a CLINIC of keeping their faces neutral while ole Rod dug himself deeper into the kitty litter box. Not so funny, meow is it?!

Thanks for the chuckles this week, internet. It was much appreciated. Actually, thanks for the chuckles this week, world. Cause my trip to Hobby Lobby yesterday beCAME very eventful when I stumbled upon this treasure and snickered my face off in the aisle like the immature 12 year old boy that I am. Why anyone would choose to hang this in their home is beyond me but hope you all COME without warning this weekend. Happy Valentine’s Day. ❤

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 1/25/2021

1. No Sweet Dream.

Well this was an unwelcome surprise. My gurl Halsey is the latest to join the celebrity baby train in total oops fashion. Even though I salivate at the thought of breaking a shocking pregnancy and screenshotted the announcement to several people in hopes of scooping, I do not approve. At the time of announcement, it wasn’t public info if she even had a boyfriend. Then via this instagram, her boyfriend commented and suddenly within hours there were 900 articles deep diving into who Halsey’s baby daddy is. Here’s what I learned and I’m happy to share with you. His name is Alev Aydin, he’s 37 (Halsey is 26), he’s a Turkish screenwriter, they got matching tattoos of the word “seeds” on their feet, and according to sources “they’ve been dating for a few months.” According to sources or ACCORDING TO THE ANNOUNCEMENT THAT HE PUT A BABY IN HER? Like come on with this lazy journalism. Ya gotta be a real detective to understand that women typically announce they’re pregnant 3 months along but BREAKING NEWS they’ve been dating for three months. Anyway, here’s a picture of these two getting their rando tats together, which will last infinitely longer than this relationship. You know what’s forever? A baby. You know what’s not? A couple that makes a baby on their first date. #Science.

It may sound like I’m being a little harsh and let me make this crystal clear…I think Halsey has one of the most beautiful raspy voices of all time. I love her music, I think she’s wildly talented. I also think she’s naturally beautiful. Take all the junk away and she’s stunning. (Unfortunately she adds a lot of junk…between the tats, zany hair & makeup and trashy outfits.) That being said, I will never be on board with the ‘have babies because it’s trendy’ movement that seems to take young Hollywood by storm. You’re young and at the peak of your career, just like do your twenties and have a ball and then do the mom thing a little bit later. You have time! You can still wear matching designer duds with your child when you’re in your 30’s. I’ve been watching Real Housewives of NY from the start. These ladies were popping out kids in their 50’s (lookin at you, Cindy) and parading them around for looks then handing them off to the nannies. YOU HAVE TIME! Anyway, that’s my rant about that, which should be enough but then I saw this photo and got RE-TRIGGERED.

WHY WOULD YOU GET A TATTOO THERE?! WHy WHY WHYWHy. Halsey. Please. JUST BE NORMAL. Tattooing baby directly where your baby is living IS NOT NORMAL. Is that even legal? Can you literally buzz a needle into your skin while your baby is in there beeboppin around in fluids? Even if it is legal, I feel like the tattoo artist has a moral obligation to be like sweetie, this is going to stretch out until it’s unreadable and then shrivel back down with lumpy dumpy stretch marks. Maybe just write it in pen instead, mmmk? I double dog dare Halsey to give us an after-birth shot of this tat. Obviously I have a lot of anger about the pending oops baby (and life in general) and before I heard the news, I happened to be driving along when Nightmare came on shuffle and I’ve never performed a song harder while driving. There was head banging and screaming. So if anyone is working through some stuff like I am, might I direct you to this little ditty because nothing feels more rewarding than unbottling your rage into the “I waited a while for a moment to say I DON’T OWE YOU A G-D THING” build-up.

2. Mighty Sucks.

I debated not even doing a blog this week because it’s been the actual worst and typically when I’m real down in the dumps I can’t be funny because everything just blows. But then I started writing and went off on a tangent and now I’m basically just writing this blog so I can get my untethered rage out. This very quickly became my second therapy sesh of the week. If you’re a generally positive and upbeat person, please see yourself out. This week’s blog is not for you. If you like to scream at inanimate objects or watch the world burn, WELCOME, MY FRIEND. In my second rant of this week, this little teaseroni for the Mighty Ducks reboot came out and it SUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKS. MIGHTY. SUCKZ. (Good one, Julia. OMG I KNOW RIGHT?!) We knew it was going to suck anyway because Disney + reboots are for infants and therefore the actual generation that grew up on the Ducks flying together will not appreciate this very kid-centric series. On top of that we have Lauren Graham which seems random as hell and just from this little snippet, I was already bored with her character. I guess her son sucks at hockey and she supports him enough to start a band of yellow-bellied losers led by the biggest loser of them all, Coach Bombay. Don’t get me wrong, Coach Bombay used to be cool as hell snatchin up all the ladies, skating in a flying V and coaching a bunch of misfits to victory. But did you see him in this trailer? WOOF, DUDE. Clean it up. There’s absolutely no hope for this reboot unless we get OG cameos from Goldberg, Charlie, The Bash Bros, Kenny Wu Wu, Julie the Cat Gaffney, even stupid rich boy Adam Banks. You toss a knuckle puck and a few appearances into this and we’ll talk but otherwise I’m OUT.

3. Robin Williams is a Gem.

That weird bird Rami Malek was on the Tonight show this week and shared this tidbit about working with Robin Williams at the end of his life. Although this story did not give me chills, it did make me miss Robin Williams. I was just carrying on with my garb life not thinking about how we tragically lost Robin Williams too soon and then Jimmy and Rami have to DRUM THOSE SADS UP AGAIN. Thanks, guys. I love that Robin was the guy on set telling everyone to get off their damn phones. That checks out. Classic dad move. Hey everyone, BE PRESENT. Bet they all feel like a buncha dicks now. Anyway, related to celebrity deaths but unrelated to this story, I’ve been rewatching How I Met Your Mother as my sleepytime show and last week I hit the episode where Marshall is trying to find the best burger in NYC and Regis is featured and as soon as I saw his cherub face I remembered once again that he’s gone and it made me miss him too. I’M TOO FRAGILE FOR THIS SHIT. Miss u Robin, Miss u Rege.

4. Disney Love Triangle.

I debated about covering this for the past few weeks but it’s still playing out and now it’s just downright hilarious so since I’ve already come in hot this week with the judgment, let’s learn about the latest love triangle rocking the world of Disney. Here’s the backstory, use the above photo for visual reference. Olivia (brunette) and Josh (JT wannabe in the middle) both starred in Disney’s show “High School Musical: The Musical — The Series” (sick name – insert deep eye roll here) and it was rumored that they had a little co-star fling. Tale as old as time, duetting leads to love. Then this past summer, Josh was publicly attached to Sabrina Carpenter (known by me as the female Shawn Hunter of Girl Meets World.) This probably would’ve gone quietly into the night as nothing but Olivia dropped a song a few weeks ago called “drivers license” and the world lost their minds. Not only is it a classic breakup song that will be the “All Too Well” of her teenie bopper fans, but she has a killer voice oh and no big deal but Taylor Swift gave it a stamp of approval. Apparently inspired by Taylor, Olivia also writes her own songs drawn from personal experiences. It became very clear that this song was about Josh dropping her ass for Sabrina. Except nothing about it was malicious. There was one little line about how he left her for a blonde. That’s it. The rest was just about how much is blows to be heartbroken. Here’s the song:

If we were dealing with adults, everyone would’ve been like kewl good song. Happy 4 u. But we’re dealing with children. So a week later, that curly-headed f*ck Josh releases “Lie Lie Lie” and declares it’s about getting close to someone and then they spread lies about you. COME ON, DUDE. It’s 2021. The WERST thing you can do for your image/career/life right now is publicly call a girl a liar when all she did was write a song about how sad and heartbroken she is. Whaaaaaat a douchenozzle. I hate this guy already.

AND THEN as if that wasn’t enough… a week or two later, Sabrina releases HER response track. CLASSIC case of hitting back harder for literally no reason. Here it is:

SABRINA. You got the guy AND you were never dragged in Olivia’s song, WHY YOU GOTTA BE LIKE THAT?! Sh-Sh-Shut your mouth. Now you look threatened & insecure as hell. “You can try to get under my skin while he’s on mine” WHAT A BITCH MOVE. I gotta go #TeamOlivia here. What a bad play. Not only is she releasing a song 100% knowing it’ll get more publicity because she’s in this little HSM threesome, but the song is rude as hell. Also important to note: it’s pretty damn catchy. I’ll give her that. Obviously there was dramatic backlash, Olivia immediately posted a video looking casj listening to Taylor Swift’s “Are You Ready For It”, Josh tried to promote both songs on his social media saying they were great but lookin like a real two-timing wiener and Sabrina released this statement:

Obviously she got under your skin, dumbass, you wrote a whole song trying to prove that you were unbothered. All teen drama aside, the biggest takeaway here is that music is 9 trillion times better when there’s drama behind it, which is why Taylor Swift is a powerhouse of writing bangpiece songs about real life things that have happened to her. Also, out of all three songs, Josh’s song is most obviously the worst. #GirlPower Did they all just play us by creating this Disney drama to get more attention to their music? It’s possible. If so, hats off to that Mickey Mouse marketing machine. But knowing how dramatic youths are these days, there’s a large probability that we just saw high school “she stole my boyfriend and I’m going to cry and write in my diary about it” play out via song IRL. And that’s your weekly installment of The Salty Ju reports what 15 year olds are talkin about this week. You’re welcome. *puts drivers license on and slowly circles the block with it blasting out the windows & tears rolling down my face*

5. DID WE MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION?!

I didn’t want to include this but being that it’s my bitchy week and there’s literally nothing else going on, why not pile on these turds as well. WHAT AN ART FORM IT IS TO PRETEND LIKE THE KARDASHIANS DO. The waterworks, the sappy Harry Styles song, the nostalgia and flashbacks and ending it with a dramatic as hell Kris Jenner saying “Did we make the right decision by walking away?” GOD, this family knows how to lay it on thick. I mean claps for them because that’s why they’re bajillionaires and I am not. But what a dog and pony show this LESS THAN A MINUTE teaser is. Now that we all know that the Kardashians will never go away and they just decided to move their 24/7 broadcast of their lives over to a paid subscription on Hulu, you can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube and make it seem like you came to this heart-wrenching decision to shut the cameras off forever. Cut the shit. You’ll ETERNALLY be milking your rich and fabulous lives on camera for paychecks. Dry those crocodile tears because I bet 5 minutes after this season wrapped you were bringing in a new camera crew for the reboot. AND THAT’S THE MOTHAF*CKIN’ TEA.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 1/18/2021

1. Don’t F With Cats, Tesla.

Listen, we’ve been on the Free Britney tirade for such a long period of time that I feel like maybe no one was paying any attention to Jamie-Lynn…and that’s on us. We took our eyes off of one Spears to focus on getting Brit off the drugs and give her some independence back and the younger one started killin a bunch of cats. That’s one way to act out and take the heat off your sister, JL. In one of the most outrageous celeb stories I’ve ever heard, Jamie-Lynn Spears came from the clouds with this video calling out Elon Musk for killing not one cat but MULTIPLE cats. I would assume that when your cat gets hit by a car, you immediately take it to the vet to see what you can do to save it. It’s gotta be on that vet to intervene, not the inventor of the silent car, no? On the second or third (dare I say fourth or fifth?) cat that you rush into the vet for emergency revival due to being flattened by a sneaky vehicle rolling in reverse I FEEL LIKE THERE NEEDS TO BE SOME SORT OF INTERVENTION. At the very least the Spears family should be on a universal no-fly list for adopting or purchasing any future cats or kittens. God, just typing that sentence immediately put that psychopants Carol Baskin saying “Hey all you cool cats and kittens” at the forefront of my brain and hot damn do I hate Tiger King for continuing to punish us almost a full year later. Anyway, from husband murderer back to cat murderer, we simply cannot allow this to slide under the radar that A) Jamie-Lynn is just killing cats left and right and 2) Rather than looking internally at how she can prevent it, like I don’t know, say CHECKING BEHIND THE CAR BEFORE HITTING THE GAS, she immediately takes to the web to call out Elon Musk for making such a quiet bajillion dollar car. Yup. This checks out. Elon must be stopped. He’s OUT OF CONTROL. FOR THE LOVE OF CATS, ELON, REDESIGN YOUR CAR. Obviously as soon as she posted this video and everyone called her a straight do-do brain and laughed directly in her face for how ridiculous and irrational this is, she deleted the video and tried to backpedal saying there might’ve been some user error, then tried to say no cats have been harmed. Girlfriend….you don’t say “we have now lost I don’t even want to tell you how many cats” if NO CATS HAVE BEEN HARMED. You say that when you’re covering up a pile of dead cats from you burning rubber out of your garage. And honestly, we all know how I feel about cats and I’m the first to blame them for everything because they’re all straight a-holes. But for once I’m on #TeamCat here. IT’S NOT THEIR FAULT! SAVE THE CATS! SAVE BRITNEY! SAVE JAMIE-LYNN! But seriously though, do a wellness check on the entire Spears family (and maybe change their social passwords for a trial period) cause shit’s getting out of control over there. Lock it up, guys. PS I think we all learned from the best true crime doc Netflix ever made, Don’t F*** With Cats TO NOT F WITH CATS…I assume Baudi Moovan and John Green are already on the case.

2. Tough Break For Ben.

First we all end 2020 razzing HOARD on Ben for his Dunks and his packages and then not even two weeks later we learn he got dumped by this babe soda. Obviously Ben is no schlub in the looks department but I think we can all agree he was really outkicking his coverage with Ana de Armas whose career is just starting to blow up, plus she’s a Cuban-Spanish tamale. I mean, if that didn’t sell you…let me just remind you of this:

Case closed. As much as I feel sorry for Ben to lose his girl (after losing perfect angel Jennifer Garner) and have to live with that COLORFUL back art for the rest of his life…I can’t help but laugh my face off at this paps shot post-breakup:

Only in Hollywood do you have to THROW OUT A LIFE SIZE CUTOUT AFTER A BREAKUP. Let it also be known, “It took two people to stuff the cutout into the trash.” Good to know. It would be embarrassing as hell if the next time I went through a breakup I only had one hired help to take the cutout of my sig other to the dumpster when clearly it’s a job for two. No one wants to get caught by the papz struggling to throw out the ex. BREAKUPS ARE HARD ENOUGH.

3. Secret Child Confirmed.

You know there are few things I hate more than a hidden Hollywood baby. Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are mega superstars and they’re gonna try and sneak a baby out? Get the hell out of my face with that fresh garbage. You in Hollywood for life or you not in it at all. Babies, cheating scandals, what have you. You can’t pick and choose what you want us to hear about. SORRY CHARLIE. Dem’s da breaks. You get enough perks for us to know when you’re popping out kiddies. Obviously the news was leaked that Jessica had a baby during quarantine while they were holed up in Montana. And since I’m a bitter bitch who has wanted to be married to JT since I first laid eyes on him in the 90’s, I obviously pointed out that the timing of baby #2 coming after JT got caught with his hand in the cookie jar was preeettyyyy obviously a “let’s save the marriage with a baby” situation. Might’ve also been why they decided to keep it a big ole secret but maybe they should’ve told Lance Bass because he blabbed that shit almost immediately. God Lance, JT is never going to allow an N*SYNC reunion if you don’t shut your trap. Anyway, Justin confirmed the arrival of his second son, Phineas. How do a Jessica and a Justin make a Silas and a Phineas? I mean come on. Also, don’t think I was going to let Ellen’s flex slide either. She’s all, oh silly me I forgot you’re a dad again because when we were Facetiming forever ago you told me personally that Jess was pregnant because we’re BFF’s. You’re not Jimmy Fallon, Ellen. Take a seat. My eyes rolled down the block when JT told her she was one of the first to know. Ellen doesn’t need any more of an ego. So major lessons to take away here are 1/Tell Lance Bass nothing, 2/Next time you debut the news of your secret baby, do it on the Tonight Show with your real BFF J.Fall, and 3/I’m prettier than Jessica Biel. Case closed.

4. Khai Hadid-Malik.

Let’s keep the train rolling with baby names I don’t like, shall we? Gigi announced this week via her Instagram bio (she’s so Gen Z it hurts) that her and Zayn’s daughter is named Khai. Immediately I assumed it was pronounced like Cobra Kai (shoutout Netflix) but when I sent it to my friend to razz on it, and she asked how we think it’s pronounced I realized that it is one of those names that you don’t immediately feel confident saying out loud. And let me just state for the record, I hate those kind of names. I need a nice straightforward name. I can see this name going either K-EYE or K-AYY and it’s a no for me, dawg. My friend had a much more diplomatic response saying she doesn’t love it but doesn’t hate it, it’s just not her cup of tea. And that’s why she’s a better person than me. I will never ever be diplomatic about a celebrity baby name. At least with parents like Gigi and Zayn, we knew we were in for a zany (wordplay intended) name rather than Jess and Justin trying to act out their frustrations at growing up with white wholesome American names. I also have no idea what Khai’s legal last name will be, which I feel like could make a difference about how much I hate it or not. Anyway, Geeg, if you’re reading this, hit us with a phonetic spelling, por favor. Also a picture of her face to see if she is on the fast track to being a model. TYSM.

5. Remember Ricky Martin?

Well he really wants us to remember him. I saw this photo and nearly puked in my hands. When bored, literally never ever ever bleach. No times a million, trillion, Ricky. Looks like someone’s having a hard time coming to terms with inching closer and closer to his 50th birthday. Let’s just take a trip in our time machines back to a time when if you were bored, you bleached just the tip instead. Cause nothing gets a weekend started more than a spicy horn section and some spiked tips.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 1/11/2021

1. I Couldn’t Help But Wonder…

satc

…If Sex and the City would keep coming back until they’re all in their graves. It was announced this week that Sex and the City is making a comeback to HBO and honestly the timing could not have been more perfect. I had just finished re-watching the whole series right at the same time. Big showed up and rescued Carrie from the garbage Russian and just like that this video hits social media.

First thing’s first, let’s address the drama in the room. Kim Cattrall AKA Samantha is OUT. After years of dumping on all the other girls, claiming they bullied her, claiming she never wanted to do the movies to begin with, rumors swirling that she only did them if the production company promised to move forward with her solo projects as well….in summary Kim’s kind of an a-hole and had been holding up the process. So they kicked her to the curb. And as the most inappropriate part of the foursome, can we really call it SEX and the City without Samantha? I gotta be honest, I’ve always seen re-runs of SATC on E! and had never seen the original unedited episodes until these past few months when I finally got HBO and decided to start from the top. OH BABY did this show make me blush. I had no idea what I was missing with all the editing. It’s a completely different show and Samantha is basically a soft-core porn star in it. It was definitely risque for the time period and let’s just quickly recall that by the end of the series, the characters were in their late 30’s and early to mid forties (I don’t know if we ever pinned down Samantha’s age.) Which brings me to my point about this revival. I think it’s time to call it quits. It was time to call it quits in the the second movie when a 50-60 year old woman was kicked out of Abu Dhabi for giving a blowie on the beach. I’m a fan of the show, the first movie was phenomenal because we got our Carrie wedding (and also epic wedding fail) but the second movie was trash and that’s typically when you let things go to die. This revival is a show or maybe short series I’m guessing because every streaming service needs a hot new thing to get people to sign up and empty their pockets but WHY. We’re missing 1/4 of the gal pals, they’re now older than dirt and we’re supposed to still want to hear them talk about sex? What is this Golden Girls After Dark? No thanks. I’m not sure how this appeals to the core audience of SATC other than to pull the nostalgia factor like EVERY OTHER UNWANTED REUNION ON THIS PLANET. I’m still going to watch it obviously but I will be VERY UNCOMFY with it. I mean…come on….

carriethenandnow

2. 100% A Cannibal.

armie

While we’re on the topic of sex, maybe Carrie and the girls can incorporate this hot topic in the reboot. Armie Hammer, actor and smoldering babe soda has recently created a wee bit of a riff in the interwebs for some DM’s of his that have been released. This is where things might get a little weird on The Salty Ju. Although I sat around a table at Wegmans when the Fappening occurred and passed celeb nudes around with my family members and I’ve covered a few of those nudes on here and become the go-to person my friends text for the uncensored version (proud of that one), I’ve never taken a face first dive into kinky DM’s. So this will be a first. Congrats to you all for being witness. So apparently there’s been some hints before to Armie being a real freak in the sheets. He’s recently divorced with two kids so I guess he’s full blown getting after it and one of his lady friends released these DM’s which according to many sources are legit:

armietexts

I’ve got real mixed feelings here. You know when he says “that just made me so hard and it makes me confused as to why”? That’s what “thinking of holding your heart in my hand and controlling when it beats” did to me. Is it weird? YUP. But would you not even BAT an EYELASH at this in a red hot read or a sexy Netflix movie? YUP TIMES A THOUSAND. CHICKS EAT THIS SHIT UP. There’s a reason 50 Shades of Grey was a freaking phenomenon. Hot and bothered women everywhere just want to be freed and get freaky with a hot guy. If it came out that Dustin Diamond was sending these DM’s to someone everyone would be like lock him TF up, but a Winkelvoss Twin? Now you’ve got a bunch of horned up and confused ladies. Do we like cannibals now? Is this a thing? The answer of course is no because cutting the heart out of living animal and eating it while it’s still warm is pre-crime shit and that’s when we come back down to earth and say mmm better not. Armie had us going for a moment there, though. I briefly considered what it would be like for his strong hands to control my heartbeat. Armie did not immediately respond to the whirlwind of DM’s that were sneaking out but unfortunately had to make a statement once the movie he was about to film cut him from the roster. Apparently JLo’s latest flick was NOT down with the cannibalism (what a bunch of prudes) and he was released and said the following:

Screen Shot 2021-01-14 at 11.18.16 PM

So I guess he just has more time on his hands to eat people and shit. #Don’tKinkShame

3. Sorry, Buuuuuuuuuuddy.

It’s unfortunate that I used the previous example of Dustin Diamond and then 8 hours after I wrote it, Screech’s team declares that he has cancer and is going through chemotherapy. Sorry I used you as an example of someone no one would ever want to have sex with, D Squared. Hope you can forgive me. Tough break to have cancer but on top of that Dustin also has shingles so he’s really been smited by disease. As another child star who went WAY off the rails, it sucks that he’s going through this but also he’s the type of guy that was CONSTANTLY trying to get headlines ever since the SBTB days so it’s kind of hard to feel like this is coming from a genuine place. He was the ONLY one not included in the woke reboot on Peacock probably due to the fact that he forayed into porn and bashed every single actor he ever worked with on the show. That’s neither here nor there to stand-up gent Mario Lopez who already made a statement:

What a guy. Does this mean all is forgiven and Screech will find his way back to the reboot? Only time will tell. PS: I burst out laughing when I read this exchange in the replies. Apparently real fans know who has stayed in touch and why…credit to Joe for keeping us all in check.

4. This Goes Out…This Goes Out to all the One Tree Hill Fans.

Former OTH heartthrobs James Lafferty and Stephen Colletti (LOL to refer to him as an OTH star when we all know where he got his start) created this show like 5 years ago and have been yapping about it constantly and trying to get it crowd-source funded to even shoot the damn thing. It’s concerning as hell that male leads for a primetime TV show that was on the air for 9 seasons can’t afford to shoot a few episodes of TV, but whatever, rabid fans made their tv show happen and after FOR-EV-ER it finally got picked up by Hulu. Add this to your watch list this weekend if you ever bought a Duke sweatshirt after Nathan Scott committed to playing basketball there only to wear it with MUCH disappointment while watching the end of season 4 where Duke rescinded the offer because he was point shaving…oh…was that just me? Whatever. I support this show but not enough to have given my own hard-earned dollars to a bunch of MUCH wealthier than me actors to get it made. So I’m glad we can now view it for free. This is what happens when there’s not a lot to report each week, I just make new show rec’s for your weekend of winter binging. You’re welcome.

5. The Demi Doc We ALL Need.

The minute I saw this I texted it to my friend with just YUSSSSSSSSSSSS, which really sums up my feelings on the matter. This is what we’ve been waiting for. I blogged about her first YouTube doc and how I loved every minute of it and learned so much about Demi being a total badass in the Disney days and obviously it’s no secret that I’m obsessed with her and spend a fair amount of time on this blog pretending I’m her BFF who likes to give unsolicited advice about her dating life. Honestly I’m so rabid for gossip and behind the scene deets about her life that March seems WAY too far away to wait for this. To get right to the elephant in the room, she obviously addresses her near death overdose.

Love that she’s using her platform to open up about her struggles but also keeping my fingers crossed that she drags that ex-fiance fame whore a little bit as well. It’s all about balance and sometimes you don’t always need to take the high road, Demi. Would love to hear what she thinks about him staging a cryfest photoshoot at the beach where he proposed after they broke up. Will report back in March when I 100% have a solo watch party with my girl Demi.

BONUS: Even the Olsen Twins Zoom.

Apparently MK had to do zoom court for her divorce and having a screenshot of her divorce proceedings over Zoom was easily the funniest thing I saw this week. You know I love to giggle at any current Olsen twins appearance because it’s like conjuring up dark magic. Who would’ve thought the girls who wore matching colored bandannas and sunglasses would turn into grim reapers but shout out to MK for giving us a GENUINE smile. Things are looking up for her post-divorce it seems. Her black turtleneck says I’m mourning this marriage but her face says I’M FREEEEEE!

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 1/4/2021

We made it to 2021. Are you one of those people who thinks when the clock strikes midnight on January 1st the world resets and everything changes… or are you rational? New year, same everything baybay, which of COURSE includes me razzing celebrities for their life choices…don’t matter what the numbers on the cal say. LET’S GET TO IT.

1. When Harry Met Wilde.

Olivia-Wilde-Harry-Styles

My friend scooped me on this new Hollywood item. I always feel like I need to be honest with my readers when I’ve gotten got. Mostly because I rub it directly in everyone’s faces when I scoop them. It’s only fair to play both sides. At first when she broke the news I was thinking it was Olivia Culpo and I was like oh yeah duh. Hot young twenty-something’s dating, checks out. Then I stopped myself and said WILDE. As in freshly broken up with Baby Daddy Jason Sudeikis with two kiddies running around at home. And this does not check out. I mean obviously Harry has always had a thing for older women but here’s where I have a bone to pick. Harry is livin the damn dream. He’s got a wildly successful solo career, he’s become somewhat of a fashion icon (controversially so, plz reference the Vogue cover where he cross-dressed and everyone lost their G-D minds), and he’s known for having a solid sense of humor. Basically he’s the whole package and now is NOT the time for him to be playing daddy to someone else’s kids in a messy entanglement. It’s obviously a rebound–one that I’m sure Jason wants to drill his eyes out seeing unfold as he is 45 years old and his baby momma is smooching with a 26 year old. Most importantly, I wanted to drill my eyes out at the sight of this new fling’s debut. They’re attending a wedding together, so before I even opened the picture I expected to see a real outlandish getup from Mr. Styles. What I saw instead was him in a plain bagel black tux and Olivia wearing a turban and a nightgown to someone’s formal affair. Coming from someone who rotates through an impressive collection of loungewear and sweats on a weekly basis, I get that I have no leg to stand on judging fashion HOWEVER if I were invited to a wedding (especially now) you bet your ass I’d be showing up the bride or I wouldn’t be attending at all. What a wasted opportunity for Olivia to get red carpet ready. Seems like SOMEONE has been listening to a little too much folklore/evermore. Here’s some more gratuitous shots of the new coups gallivanting around town, masked. As I imagine this will be short-lived, get it while it’s hot. I’m gonna toss it out there these two won’t make it to Spring. Sorry not sorry.

harry-styles-olivia-wildeharry-olivia

Also here’s Harry’s latest music video that’s real weird but he does a lot of dancing, if you’re into that sort of thing. I thought I was going to be but apparently my boner for Harry Styles went away in 2016 when everyone in my family made fun of me for having a crush on him.

2. The Wests Go South.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

Shocking to absolutely no one and yet everyone at once, the two biggest narcissistic a-holes on this earth might actually officially end things. WHAT?! A perfect pairing! WHY 2021…WHYYYYYYYYYY?! COULD THIS YEAR GET ANY WORSE?! Gawd, cue the CANCEL MY SUBSCRIPTION TO 2021 MEMES. After Kanye ran for president, publicly declared he wanted to abort their firstborn because he was still banging other chicks at the time, going on manic raves on Twitter comparing Kris Jenner to a dictator…I think we pretty much all called curtains on this relashe. But even a tone deaf Kardashian knew that post-mental health breakdown was not an approps time to serve someone divorce papers. So I assume they went on living their lives separately in the 900 mansions that they own and honestly I thought they might carry on like that forever. Why get a messy divorce when you’ve got a mastermind like Kris Jenner in the mix? Bitch could probably snap her fingers and hide this whole thing, banishing Kanye to Wyoming and Kim could be free to live her life and fly her closest 100 friends out to a private island for her 40th birthday party. It seemed like the perfect agreement. Except not anymore! Apparently now it’s time to cut the ties officially, which probably means there’s a scandal waiting to come out and I’m salivating at the prospect. LET KANYE BACK ON TWITTER AND OPEN THE FLOODGATES, YO! Give us the dirt. And speaking of Kim’s #ThisIs40 douchebaggery, apparently Kanye only showed up for one day of it to drop that WEIRD hologram bomb and then peace tf out. I find that hilarious. Probably the creepiest gift of all time to bring back someone’s dead dad as a hologram to overly compliment your husband but even more hilarious to do it on the verge of divorce and then roll out. Clearly it worked as Kim shared that moment with the world to rave about her AMAHZING husband and the perfect gift. Which leads me to my favorite tweet of this whole scandal:

Rumors have surfaced that Kanye was cheating on Kim with Jeffree Star, a Youtube makeup guy…but like 5 mins after that one started swirling, the girl who started it on Tiktok admitted to doing it for clout and is now being sued by Kim Kardashian and using it to get more followers. The deeeeeeepest of eye rolls. Either way, I’ll keep my ear to the ground (Twitter) in anticipation of the guaranteed scandal that will come of this divorce. By the end of 2021 the I don’t need no stinkin man for world domination Kardashians will be on THE PROWL. Can’t hold no mans down when you’re running an empire. 

3. New Binge Alert.

If you know ANYTHING about me, you know that I suffer from the most severe form of FOMO. If people are talking about something, I need to consume it as well. I had heard about Bridgerton coming to Netflix from my book club (yeah that’s right, I’m now a middle class divorcee) based on a series of books that are equal parts red hot read and historical. I checked out the trailer and my sister and I both decided that this show wasn’t for us. We love a good sexy book or show (and unfortunately even delved into 365 days long enough to learn that stealing a woman and forcing her to have sex with you is what the kids are into these days) but we’ve never been much into the historical colonial times. And for that reason we were out. Then I spent roughly 3 more days on Twitter with everyone popping off about Bridgerton before I finally caved. Last weekend I took the deep dive. 8 episodes of “the season” in Regency England, which essentially is a Gossip Girl of the 1800’s. It was interesting enough for me to commit to it but also as I warned my sister when I told her she probably wouldn’t tolerate it–the sex doesn’t really start to happen until about halfway through. It’s a real snoozy lead-up to be honest. In addition to being a slow build to climax, there’s also the super weird factor that girls (yes, girls, I’m guessing 16 was the marrying age) didn’t know what sex was until they were married. That was a BIT of a turnoff for me while watching scandalous romps. I mean the main character didn’t understand how babies were made. And that’s VERY CONCERNING to me. Other than that… the music slapped, everyone was hot (minus the unfortunate bangs) and there was enough juicy gossip intrigue to keep me hooked. So in conclusion, if you have a short attention span–this is a skip. If you have a little time on your hands like myself, give it a watch because you KNOW there will be a season 2. It’s Shonda Rhimes. That bitch don’t know how to NOT make a hit TV show. (Last pro tip: put the subtitles on…you’re going to need it with the 1,2 punch of British accents AND old English phrases.)

4. Bean Dad.

A Twitter treasure occurred this week and so I must report on it for all of my followers (my family) who are not on Twitter. A guy who probably isn’t really famous but has a podcast with Jeopardy great Ken Jennings decided to hop on the ole Twitter machine and tell a funny story. Well, a story he thought was funny. And NO ONE ELSE AGREED. This 1 million tweet thread in summary is: his 9 year old was hungry, she wanted beans, she didn’t know how to open the can, so he used it as a teaching moment and wouldn’t let her eat until she learned how to use a can opener. He obviously drew it out and was clearly exaggerating several parts of the story. None of it made me laugh. Everyone PILED on him and told him he was a terrible dad and made fun of him and then eventually dug up old racist tweets of his until he deleted his account and went into hiding. An undoing of BEANS. I have SO many thoughts on this and probably the most prominent one is BEANS. WHAT HUMAN BEING EATS BEANS FROM A CAN FOR LUNCH? ARE YOU A 105 YEAR OLD HOMELESS PERSON? Like just the word BEANS grosses me out and makes me immediately think of farts. So sucks to be this guy who now will forever be known as Bean Dad. Bet he wishes it was a can of chicken noodle soup now. Second of all, it is well known within my family and a close trusted circle of friends that I physically cannot operate a can opener. So right off the bat this story hit home with me. If I grew up with Bean dad, I’d probably have starved to death. Instead, I grew up with bougie enablers who raised me on an electric can opener. You know what you do with an electric can opener? You plug it in and stick the can to the magnetic top and push down on the button. BOOM. Can opened. I wrongfully assumed that this was the time period we were living in and that *manual* can openers were extinct. I found out through living in a townhouse with a bunch of girls in college, this was not the case. I broke so many can openers in college attempting to learn how to use one that I finally had to admit my fault and purchase my own electric can opener. I also had a very jarring incident where I hacked at a can of olives one day, broke the can opener and then broke skin on my finger on the jagged half open can edge trying to strong arm it the rest of the way open. I almost had to go get a tetanus shot BECAUSE I AM A CAN OPENING MORON. Don’t show Bean Dad this. He’ll beat me to death with a can. Now that I have all of this off my chest I can say my life has been much more free owning the fact that I am an electric can opener gal and would NEVER survive in the wild. But also, let it be known that even with my fancy doodad that magically opens the cans, never under any circumstances would that can be BAKED BEANS. Also, obviously Bean Dad came back with an apology because that’s how the world works. Nowhere in there did he apologize for feeding his child beans. Shout out to my parents for never feeding me beans and also coddling me with an electric can opener since birth. YOU DA REAL ONES.

5. Is JB Hot?

Justin Bieber dropped a new song and a very theatrical music video based on him as a fighter and since it occurred in an era where men didn’t cover their bodies in tats, he airbrushed over all of his bod art. And seeing Biebs not covered head to toe in ink I had to take a long hard look at myself and ask, do I think Justin Bieber is HOT?! The jury’s still out on if I’d date a makeup covered Biebz, but regardless, this song is good and you KNOW I love a dramatic music video.

BONUS:

This picture was taken on New Years Eve and it gave me a deep belly chuckle. Of course everyone was like HOW 2020 OF BEN AFFLECK juggling packages and his Dunks order while wearing loungewear. And yeah, that’s true. But what’s more hilarious is how we have paparazzi who are hired to take pictures of Ben Affleck with his coffee. There are 9 zillion photos of Ben Affleck with a Dunks icey at your disposal at any moment’s notice. At what point do the paparazzi say you know what? I think we’re good on that type of content. The answer is obviously never. Honestly at this point I’m just surprised as to why Ben and Casey Affleck aren’t the TOP spokespeople for Dunks. Between their artfully crafted Boston accents, affinity for all Boston sports, constant Dunks in their hand and of course, the critically acclaimed Dunkin SNL sketch…WHAT IS CORPORATE DUNKS WAITING FOR?! Since I’m a creative mastermind and I am unemployed (get @ me Dunks Marketing) I’ll set the scene for you…Dunks sent out a branded TANDEM bike as part of their pre-holiday merch line and I was salivating at the thought of owning it.

Now I’m salivating at the thought of Ben and Casey Affleck riding this hot rod through downtown Boston, handing out glazed donuts and iced coffees. Make it happen Dunks or you’ll get a Vanilla Nut Tap.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 12/7/2020

1. The Year of Taylor.

I mean, I’m not just going to sit back and not yap my face off about Taylor coming in from the CLOUDS and dropping another whole ass album in our laps not even six months after surprising us with folklore. WHAT A MOVE and to get it in RIGHT before the buzzer at the end of the year. Wild. Obviously I was in a tailspin yesterday as I discovered the news and not to brag but I did have my hair in braids at the time so there’s obviously no further proof needed that I was ready for more woodsy in your feels songs. I’m still not over folklore, I still play it several times a week. Spotify gently reminded me how much I’ve played it over the past few months with my year end wrapped…I’m surprised it wasn’t followed up with an email from them asking if I’ll be ok. To which I would say, No I obviously will not. BECAUSE NOW WE’RE GETTING AN ENTIRE OTHER SOBFEST. I also love that Taylor tried to disguise it as a birthday present to us all.

Hey everyone, thanks for buying all of my overpriced merch and going out of your way to get my folklore cd that took an entire month to ship because of covid or whatever, I’d like to give you the birthday present of buying more of my overpriced merch and again going out of your way to buy a cd that may never arrive. If you do, you’ll be rewarded with bonus tracks that you can’t hear anywhere else. SUCHHHHHHH a boss move to be like it’s a gift, cough up your money tho. And you know what, I think I’ll stick to Spotify free listening this time around until I can buy a moderately priced physical cd in person at Target. If I may borrow a song title off of evermore, ‘Tis the Damn Season for me to be broke as a joke buying holiday gifts. HOWEVER should anyone want to gift me with literally anything from the Taylor Swift store, I welcome it with open arms. Anyway, back to the big debut. Obviously I now have my weekend work cut out for me as I’ll need to recap a track by track, which I’ll be publishing on Monday if all goes well. But I did want to at least give you my instant thoughts about the Willow music video, which I stayed up past my bedtime to watch. I also may have been a wee bit overserved, but here we go.

My raw, unadulterated thoughts (remember I watched it AT midnight after a wine and pasta filled evening.):

Starts with that G-D cardigan and a magic piano transforming her into a magical forest. I WANT THAT CARDIGAN. (still obviously holding onto a lot of resentment for all of the influencers and famous friends who were sent cardigans and my mailbox didn’t see a whisper.) WHY ARE WE SUDDENLY WATCHING KIDS.

(I literally started a new paragraph because after being outraged by kids I wanted to move onto the bigger topic at hand) She is literally in a one room school house. Please come back to 2020, Taylor. The 1800’s don’t want you or those bangs. I honestly couldn’t even focus on Willow as a song because I couldn’t get past Taylor as an early English settler creating witch hexes with the original Sanderson Sisters. Let’s relax on fully embracing the fairy in the woods vibe for one hot second, plz. Also the bangs have to go. Double also, that last shot of her in that dress, she IS Grandpa Joe from Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory. We’ve gone too far. Way too far. I mean, spot the difference. You can’t.

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So that’s where we’re at. Stay tuned to see my thoughts on the whole damn thing come next week. In the meantime, refresh yourself with Folklore in preparation.

2. Open Book, TV Style.

For avid readers of The Salty Ju, you’ll know that I was a hardcore Nick & Jessica should reunite believer RIGHT UP UNTIL I read her memoir Open Book this year and then re-watched Newlyweds from Jess’s perspective and saw that Nick pretty much hated her stinkin guts and was constantly a dick to her. What I once thought was an adorable teen popstar relashe unfolding on MTV full of healthy jabs was actually toxic as hell. Eye opening moment for me in pop culture history. I loved all the juicy goss she dished in her book of BTS deets of each of her very public relationships and to hear that they’re extending this book into a TV show is music to my ears. And even better, it’s on a paid service that I will not have to sign up for in order to watch (lookin’ at you peacock tv for forcing my sister and I to do a free trial just to watch the trainwreck Saved by the Bell reboot.) I’m fully team Jess and I support her return to the entertainment industry especially because she’s coming back with her story and not hawking a dating show where people get married without ever seeing each other. I’m of course referring to dirt Nick Lachey, OBVIOUSLY. (Only people who watched Love is Blind will get that diss and I’m ok with it.)

3. OH NO KHRISTMAS IS KANCELLED.

Breaking news this week, that I read aloud to my friends in my best Khloe Kardashian voice when I saw the headline. Khristmas is Kancelled due to COVID and it’s the first time SINCE 1978. HOW WILL WE EVEN SURVIVE?! Honestly I was reeling from the news. Life just is NOT fair, ya know? And then I remembered that this family who is HEROICALLY cancelling their biggest attention-grabbing event of the year, also are telling us that taking this pandemic seriously IS A MUST. And honestly, we need to listen to them, y’all. No more flying all of your closest friends and family out to an island for a lavish weekend for your 40th birthday. It’s time to REALLY buckle down and PUT OUR HEALTH AND SAFETY FIRST. The Kardashians are a voice of reason and I’m just honestly so in awe of their bravery and leadership. Also, remember when they cancelled their reality show on E? Yeah they’ll be back up with a deal on Hulu in 2021. So let’s all keep our fingers krossed that we won’t miss ONE second of their lives. Prayer hands. Kiss Face. Eye Roll.

4. But I come back stronger than a 90’s trend.

Britney Spears (#FreeBritney) and Backstreet Boys dropped their first ever collaboration in 2020. Cause why the hell not at this point? What I’d like to see is Justin Timberlake’s reaction to this. HE MUST BE ROLLING IN HIS GRAVE. Oh, he’s still alive? WHERE HAS HE BEEN WITH THE NEW MUSIC THEN? Like, Man of the Woods was a lifetime ago. I don’t care if you’re a new dad, Britney and BSB are collaborating in lockdown–with Britney quite possibly being still controlled by her dad as a grown ass adult and Taylor Swift just dropped back to back records like she’s 2005 Nelly dropping Sweat and Suit on TRL. Jus sayin. Get your shit together, JT. Anyway, back to this unholy collab because honestly what a slap in the face to N*SYNC who Britney was smoochin with in the 90’s, literally and musically. This song kinda sucks but for nostalgia sake, I’m down with it.

5. I still L-O-V-E a good music video.

Dierks tossed this video out this week. I already loved the song and then I saw that he played all these different pop culture roles as part of the video and I settled in to watch. I was over at a friend’s house this week and we showed her sister the WAP video because she’s never seen it and rite of passage obviously to let your eyes bleed out to that catastrophe, which then spiraled into us just sitting there watching music videos on Youtube like I was a senior in high school again and it was a Friday night. I know, I was UNBELIEVABLY cool and popular. Either way, we all talked about how we’ve always enjoyed watching music videos even though it’s very much not a beloved thing anymore. Kinda like owning DVD’s. We old. And I still love the art of a good music video, which is why I’ve highlighted two this week. One that I shit on and one that I like. I’m into the idea here and obviously you know that any music video with references to Full House–the classic, not that bubblegum trash they trotted out on Netflix recently–is a W in my book. Well done, Dierks.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/23/2020

 

1. Clifford the Big Red NIGHTMARE.

As if everything isn’t terrible enough, Paramount lays THIS SHIT ON US?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I’ll say this until I’m underground NOT EVERYTHING CARTOON WORKS AS LIVE ACTION (insert clap emojis between each word, obv.) Cartoons are adorable and in this case nostalgic. As I write this right now, I’m watching a Mickey Mouse Christmas movie with my niece, who has blessed me with a spontaneous snuggle this morning. Would I EVER want to watch a literal dirty little mouse crawl around and yap about Christmas and Santa? No, that would be disgusting, mice are meant to live in the forest where I pretend they don’t exist and if they ever come near me I’ll kill them. (I’ll run away screaming and get someone else to kill them.) This is why Mickey Mouse and the gang are great. They’re adorable and they have silly voices AND THEY DON’T EXIST IN REAL LIFE. Is there a dog that is bright red and giant-sized in real life? No there is not because that dog would immediately be shot for being a terrifying mutation monster that could kill us all if we pissed him off. I mean look at this thing.

Even the red looks ridiculous. Has this giant dog been rolling in the blood of all the people it has trampled? This is a HORROR MOVIE. Paramount would be wise to pretend this never happened and go back to the drawing boards on this one. I’d love a Pixar-type Clifford. I can get down with an updated animated Clifford but this? This is a hard no for me. And to everyone who thinks live versions of every childhood classic are necessary–knock it off. Stop ruining our lives. To cleanse your palette, here’s a picture of an adorable normal-sized dog with natural coloring frolicking in real life snow with a wet schnoodle. Let it erase real life Clifford from your mind’s eye.

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2. JLO. WHOA.

Most people are embarrassed when a nude is leaked and try to hide it or deny it, not JLo though. The Queen of all Queens was like hey I’ve got a new single, check out my rockin hot bod IN THE BUFF. And honestly? Yes, ok. I could stare at this photo until the end of time and constantly find something new to drool over. I mean, Holy Christmas. The muscle alone is enough to make me up my at-home YouTube workouts. Maybe tomorrow morning I’ll do more than a 10 minute stretch sesh that I’m sore from for 3 days after. Also, gentle reminder to anyone who might’ve forgotten: JLo is FIFTY ONE YEARS OLD. Ok, now that we’ve established that, and the fact that I don’t even care what this song sounds like because nothing will top this cover art, I DO have a little bone to pick (not to be confused with a boner, which I’m sure this photo stirred up in males & females alike.) Although I love when my girl JLo texts me–probably a little too much–I feel like I could use a little warning before I get an unsolicited nude. I really have to be in the right mindset to receive a naked pic of someone and that includes this babe soda. The last time JLo texted me was July 26th about her own birthday. That in itself is a little self-serving, but whatever, every girl should have the right to demand a HBD text. But that was 5 months ago. We’ve had a 5 month hiatus from “Hi Baby” texts and then you lay this nudity on me? KINDA JARRING. At least be like “Hi Baby, I’m about to send you a nude, so get READY!” Instead of just going full force after several months of radio silence. Idk, just a tip from one marketing professional to another. Take it or leave it. Also I felt like I was really in the trust tree there because I was the “first to see the cover” and then five minutes later it was blasted all over social. I feel cheap, bb.

3. The Grammys Are Corrupt, Apparently.

Nominations for the Grammys came out this week as well as the host announcement–Trevor Noah because obviously we need more politics tied into awards shows. It seems like not everyone is pleased. In particular, the Weeknd who I just yapped about a couple weeks ago for buying the Super Bowl halftime show. Apparently he can’t buy a Grammy, ZING. But seriously, apparently the Grammys have always been kind of a shitshow but they really didn’t do a great job of covering that up this year. Beyonce didn’t drop an album, she did a Lion King song and I guess hopped on someone else’s track and yet she’s walking away with the most noms. Something doesn’t add up here. So The Weeknd, who was slated to perform at the awards didn’t receive any noms, and therefore he’s like I’m OUT.

Peace out, homeslice! If anyone cares the rest of the nominations are HERE, if you’re like me you’ll either not recognize the songs or recognize them from TikTok dances. #OldPeopleProbs. The awards are airing January 31st and great news my family had enough about reading my no cable sob stories for red carpets and I’ll be getting a hand-me-down antenna this weekend so I can hook the ole bunny ears up just in time for awards szn.

4. Boycott Chapelle Show.

I expect 0% of my readers to watch this 18 min video of Dave Chapelle but it’s there as a reference if you’d like it. Otherwise, here’s the poop: Dave Chapelle was young and broke and signed a deal with Comedy Central for The Chapelle Show. It was a lame deal and he didn’t know any better and the network probs took advantage of the fact that he was poor and didn’t know how Hollywood worked. He realized that after a couple seasons of his show and peaced out, breaking his contract. Since he broke his contract, he doesn’t own his show or make any money off of it. Now streaming services have added his show into the mix and he’s mad that he doesn’t see any money from his body of work. He talked to Netflix and they took it down because they have a working relationship with Dave that I’m sure they don’t want to ruin. He talked to HBOMax and they were like nah, we good. So now Dave is asking his fans to boycott watching his own show until he starts making money off of it. So basically, this is EXACTLY what happened to Taylor Swift minus a doucheroni named Scooter. Here’s the deal, don’t sign a contract that hasn’t been vetted by a lawyer and also don’t get mad if you breach that contract and screw yourself over. HOWEVER, every creator should have the right to their own shit. Whether they buy that back later on in life when they’ve made the dough or they cut a new deal to get some residuals. If my INCREDIBLY well-written Weekly JUices were snatched up by a big biz blog and they were making money off of it but I wasn’t, I’d riot my face off. BUT ALSO, I’d ask someone smarter than me to look over a contract before signing it because I’m just a poor person who writes blogs and if anyone offered me pennies for my blog I’d be like yes sounds great where do I sign? Moral of the story here, I have significantly less money than both Taylor Swift AND Dave Chapelle and I’m very open to negotiations for my talents (of which there are so many, obviously.) Then maybe I could go to brunch and actually get food rather than just showing up to stunt an outfit on all of my haters and order a water. Also, let Dave buy his show and let Taylor buy her music. The end.

@thesaltyju

When you have a brunch wardrobe but not a brunch budget. 💁🏽‍♀️ #basicbitch #alittlebitalexis #poorpeopleproblems

♬ Therefore I Am – Billie Eilish

5. Are You Ok?

The Duke And Duchess Of Sussex Visit Australia - Day 3

Meghan Markle contributed this very well-written piece to the NY Times, where she reveals that her and Harry suffered a miscarriage. Of course, in addition to being this worldly and charitable creature, she’s a phenomenal writer as well. (I’m jelly as hell.) It’s a quick read and a nice reminder to ask people if they’re ok because they’re probably not. Especially this year. But then if you ask someone if they’re ok and they say no, don’t tell them to just get over it. That’s my own pro tip from the trenches of anti-ok.

BONUS: If you are not OK, here’s some Thanksgiving highlights that will hopefully bring you some holiday cheer. Cause nothing slaps harder than shoving your head into a turkey b-hole.

I hope that you were able to cram lots of snacks into your snackhole, bathe in gravy & boom roast Christmas Hallmark movies with your family like I did. If not, please enjoy my commentary on some Thanksgiving classics. I had a lame tweet get A LOT of action and a GREAT tweet about a new Goo Goo Doll face go under-appreciated. Also, my brother in law and dad turned off the dog show for football so they’re both dead to me. Countdown to Christmas begins MEoW!

I’m thankful for my family, who didn’t murder me when I took 16,000 boomerangs of the food that they were killing themselves to prepare for a business Instagram story that got 30ish views. LIFE OF A CONTENT CREATOR, YO. I’m also thankful that I belong to a crew that doesn’t believe in serving sizes. This was just a light snack 45 mins before the feast. Portion control is for wieners. You’re not doing Thanksgiving right if you don’t feel like you’re going to blow. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk on being a lard.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/16/2020

1. Just Gonna Keep Cruising.

I know I write about Taylor Swift basically every week but she just happens to always have hot goss and I’m obviously her biggest fan so sue me. I was just gossiping with my friend who is Anti-Tay and thinks she plays the victim because exactly one year ago was the whole scooter Braun mess where he stole her life’s work and internet bullied her. And here we are, a year later, the feud still going strong. This week Taylor posted the above update and open letter because Scoot Scoot just can’t seem to quit. Quick summary for all y’all who doooonnntt caaaare: Taylor signed a contract back at the beginning of her career, then she left the label early and therefore breached the contract and they owned her shit. Then Scooter bought it and Taylor was like over my dead bod will this b-hole own all my success and profit off of it. Cut to this year, apparently Taylor offered to buy her stuff back and Scooter wouldn’t even give her a price until she signed an NDA to never talk shit about him (RED FLAG) and then she found out that he sold it to some other company instead but told them they weren’t allowed to talk to Taylor if they wanted to buy it. And he still holds shares to profit off of it. So basically Scooter is a shady MF’er with a stupid ass name. I can argue that all of this is idiotic. Taylor is worth zillions and whatever she releases people will listen to. Will she make her old stuff irrelevant by re-recording it? No obviously not, but it’s the only thing she has control over to stick it to Scootsicles. On the flip, Scooter is obviously a dick. Putting clauses in all these contracts to shut everyone up? You know you’re being sketchy if you’re demanding NDA’s. It takes a special breed of troutsniffer to F with a megastar like Tay and pretend he’d even consider selling her own work back to her when you knew he was never going to. Anyway, hopefully this is the last time we hear about this because it’s so last year. The best snippet to come out of this saga is that not only will we have new/old Taylor real soon, but she also revealed that there’s a 10 minute version of All Too Well with F bombs from the day she wrote it. COUNT ME IN. If I could perform for ten minutes instead of three, I could finally start charging for my car singing performances. SO STOP WITH THE LETTERS AND GIVE IT HERE, TAY.

2. Friends in Rich Places.

george-clooney

George Clooney did press this week for whatever reason and shared the story that when he first got together with Amal, he decided to gift 14 of his closest friends each 1 million dollars in cold hard cash. He figured they were all in his will anyway, and why wait until he’s dead to thank them for all they’ve done for him over the years. And he literally had to pull off a movie heist just to be the most generous guy on this earth. He had to find a place that would have that amount of cash available, which honestly I respect the dedication to getting cash here. Could he have venmo’ed them or written a check? Probably. But nothing slaps quite as hard as a stack of cash. Plus there’s the dramatics of it. Handing over a bag of cash like you just robbed a bank is a BFF memory that will last longer than that cool mill will. Anyway, he rented a van that said florist on it, told his assistant and his security guard and went into an underground facility to load up the van with 14 bags of cheddar. Then he got all his friends together and handed them over. So basically now that this story is out in the open, it will 100% be made into a movie because that’s how Hollywood works. But also… I’m a good friend, anyone wanna give me a million dollars before they croak? Just tossing it out there. LMK. And the real lesson here: if you have 14 million dollars to spare…don’t be a schmuck and share the wealth.

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3. A Royal Painting.

Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip Duke Of Edinburgh 73rd Wedding Anniversary Official Portrait, Windsor, UK - 17 Nov 2020

These two skeletons have been married for 73 years. SEVENTY THREE. It’s like the end of the Titanic. But real life the Queen of England. But also, is it real life? Because this official portrait was the airbrushing job of the century. Remember when Philip was photographed a couple of months ago and he literally looked like the walking dead? Let me remind you.

Are we sure ole buhhole eyes didn’t actually croak and this is a nice cartoon caricature to keep the people happy? Cause this is Facetune for olds. Real exaggerated. No wonder they only release pics for special occasions. They have to prop up their sack of bones for “the royal portrait” and that’s probably a whole lotta work. Congrats on being married for 900 years but also gonna need a confirmation that you are still among the living. A video should do the trick.

4. Demi Did An Unfortunate Thing.

I saw the post that Demi “did a thing” and I was like oh no. Don’t do it, girl. There should absolutely be a moratorium on post heartbreak hair changes.

Credit to my friend Kat for giving her the benefit of the doubt and saying she’d need to see the front. But when you buzz the sides and leave the top long, there’s only one direction that heads in and that is Jon + Kate plus 8. Nope. Thankfully as soon as Kat saw the front shot she declared that she hated it. Can’t support our girl on this one. Lucky for rich people, they can ruin their entire head with a rash 2007 reality TV inspired ‘do and the next day will have a wig or weave in and a completely different color. Fingers crossed she comes to her senses.

5. Anotha One.

73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Legit forgot these two were even together so can’t say I’m heartbroken by this split. I was genuinely shocked that they never got married but I guess that’s a good thing, don’t have to tackle the big D with a couple of kids. What really grabbed me is that People.com posted a slew of paparazzi beach pics of them when they announced the split and the headline was “had a happy beach outing 2 months before their split” and I felt triggered by this headline. I’m not going through this split and I was like:

bridesmaids kidding me


Two people are in sucksville going through a breakup with young kids and People is like but they were happy two months ago! What went wrong?! God being famous during a split must bloooooow. WHO LOOKS MISERABLE AT THE BEACH?! I rest my case.

BONUS PT. 1:

If I’m gonna send around pics of Chris Evans’ willis and doodle berries upon request, I can also feature his face when it’s being snuggled by an adorable pup. Apparently this is Aly Raisman’s dog and they had a puppy play date AKA they’re boning but honestly who wouldn’t do this babe soda?! He’s hot, wears the hell out of a cream cable knit sweater, he’s got a knob carved from marble AND he’s a dog guy. Lock it up, Aly.

BONUS PT. 2:

Did anyone really ever expect this super disgusting song to become such an iconic movement? Nothing brought me more joy than TikTok right after the song was released with the dances and jokes about Covid tests and the dangly thing in the back of your throat. I’ll be candid and say I have considered a few crafts that feature the lyrics because nothing has more wholesome shock value than a needlepoint of “I want you to park that Big Mac truck up in this little garage” Anyway, Jack Black coming through with the delayed WAP dance was exactly what we all needed right now. It’s like fat guy in a little coat except it’s fat guy gyrating on the floor. Well done, sir. More of this plz. Not as quality as a dramatic TikTok that’s so hot it stops power, but a close second.

@thesaltyju

Blew a fuse in my apt trying to get the “storm” effect. So this @celinedion duet better be appreciated. #celinedionchallenge #allcomingbacktomenow

♬ original sound – The Salty Ju

TRIPLE BONUS! And lastly…I’m not going to give People the satisfaction of a whole post because I’ve given their Sexiest Man Alive free outrage every year since I started this blog because it makes me laugh my face off that they’re like THE WAIT IS OVER when they announce. Stop acting like this calculated honor based completely on PR is the biggest announcement of the year. But…

I approve. He’s sexy.

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