JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 6/22/2020

1a. Kristin Wants Bonus Points.

As someone who is a reality star and built her own brands for jewelry and clothing, Kristin is no stranger to marketing. And this post is nothing short of a marketing move. Her divorce has been a shitshow of her team basically slinging mud at Jay in the press with him not even saying a peep except for his Mother’s Day post on instagram giving her a shoutout (which we’ve yet to determine if she actually posted on his account.) He comes up looking like roses every time because he very clearly is not looking for publicity. Well, Kristin wanted a little attention as well. She wanted to stop looking like the bad guy, so she posts the above THE DAY AFTER FATHER’S DAY basically so everyone will applaud her for being a good sport. NOT ME, KRISTIN–NOT ME. I’m firmly Team Jay and I didn’t really need many reasons other than Kristin seems like a real sneaky bitch (plus I was always an LC stan anyway) and Jay seems like a real stand-up guy. But we were all #blessed with even more reasons to love Jay this week…

1b. Need All Eyes on the Chicken Serial Killer

Jay made his first ever Instagram story. As someone who probably was 24/7 filming and taking portrait photos of his wife, he didn’t really have his time to shine in the sun with content. But boy oh boy, he’s making up for that now. He has created a saga that has the whole world captivated. Someone has been murdering Jay’s chickens and he NEEDS to get to the bottom of this mystery and save his “ladies.” He has a real asshole cat (all cats are assholes and people who haven’t figured it out yet are dummies) that could be a suspect, or of course whatever wild creatures live in the backwoods of Tennessee. He promises that he’ll put a camera out and stake out in his kids treehouse to get to the bottom of this. Unfortunately for all of us waiting with baited breathe to see who is murdering these chickens in cold blood, it rained the first night and really put a damper on his watch. Night two, he got down and dirty and borrowed some night vision goggles. I don’t know how he does it, but Jay Cutler has one of the most uninterested, dry sarcastic tones, but he is captivating. I NEED to know who is ravaging his chickens and I REALLY want it to be the cat because it would prove my lifelong theory that cats are sneaky murderers. Unfortunately he has already cleared the cat and apologized to it…but I won’t rest until we have a suspect in custody. I will stay up all night with Jay checking his Instagram stories for updates until there is justice served. (This is something I’m able to do as I’m just as unemployed as Jay.) Here are just some of his updates from the past 24 hours that I so lovingly screen recorded from his Insta so that everyone can enjoy this wild chicken killer chase. Savage move by the gun company to get involved for a giveaway. Now we’re monetizing this like it’s a true crime doc and I LOVE IT. NEED more Jay in my life. How much do you think Kristin is hating this attention he’s getting and how do you think she’ll try to weasel her way into it? LMK.

 

 

2. Is Huffing Still A Thing?

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I guess it is for our little Alfalfa! Bug Hall was arrested this week in Texas for huffing. The only knowledge I have on huffing is that there was a 7th Heaven episode about it where Simon painted a mural with some kids from school and they were huffing paint cans. They all had red spray paint all over their faces and then got bloody noses. It was disgusting, Simon obviously narced on them and Annie Camden came in to lay down the law and tell everyone’s parents that their kids were ingesting fumes instead of a well-balanced diet. All was well by the end of the 45 minute episode. It was the 90’s when that aired…also when Bug Hall was best known. So apparently he got hooked on the cans in the 90’s and just never stopped? Because if you told me that people still huff today when there’s 90000 other drugs they could do that probably produce the same high, I’d tell you that you’re crazy. WHO HUFFS FROM A CAN?! Also, I would never have guessed that it’s ILLEGAL and grounds for arrest. Learn something new every day I tell ya. Bug is now 35…has children and was arrested in a hotel room full of fumey cans. As far as child star arrests go, I’d say this is pretty high on the list. That mugshot is WOOF (not as bad as Goldberg’s but really no one can top a methhead) and I am very embarrassed to admit that I once had a raging crush on Bug. My sister and I recently stumbled upon Get A Clue–the Disney Channel original with Bug and Lindsay Lohan and remembered thinking Bug was hot back in the day so we re-watched. We almost puked in our hands at our terrible taste in boys. We also couldn’t get past Lindsay’s horrific acting and pastel-tinted sunglasses she wore in school DURING THE DAY. The movie was switched off immediately and we opted for A Ring of Endless Light instead because a girl who can talk to dolphins was much more in our wheelhouse. Praying for Bug’s recovery from addiction to aerosol cans.

3. Slow Down, Demi.

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BAAAYYBEEE – I have so much fun with you and there’s so many things I want to say right now but I want to be present and spend this bday with you so I’ll be quick: Being with you makes life SO MUCH FUN 😆😝 We literally act like hooligans on the daily and don’t give a FUCK if we’re embarrassing ourselves if others are around!! I spend my days with you, bare faced and in a bathing suit.. I feel unconditionally loved and accepted by you in a way that I’ve never felt before.. I can’t explain it or you.. you’re indescribable, you beautiful, man. Inside and out you are jaw-droppingly gorgeous.. You’re also such a positive lil beam of light in my life and I can’t wait to make more birthday memories together.. here’s to the future baby. I love you @maxehrich 💙💙💙💙 p.s. everyone swipe to see my dog Ella literally trying to steal my man… 🤣

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I’m just looking out for my girl here and it seems like things are moving rather quickly for her in this relationship. Not long ago she released the single “I Love Me” where she basically admitted that she has no problem showering other people with love but she hates herself and she really needs to learn how to love herself first. GURL. Have you learned yet? Because that seems like a speedy turnaround time and now you’re already in a new hot serious relationship. I’m just being a friend. I would want any of my besties to keep me in check and make sure I’m good. Plus I’ve heard (through movies and TV) that addicts aren’t advised to have a relationship in their early years of recovery. I’m no expert, but I think watching a lot of TV and movies makes me one and this seems like a slippery slope. Don’t get me wrong, Max is cute, and I’m happy if my girl’s happy but COULD this just be infatuation? Cause they’re lookin REAL PDA in these photos and I’m just wondering if it’s more about the bang bang bangity bang. Just spitballin here. Also when she said “Here’s to the future baby” and didn’t use a comma I quite literally thought it was a pregnancy announcement. So, let this be a lesson to all–grammar is key and also safe sex plz because I don’t feel like this is the right time for a Demi baby. TAKE IT SLOW GIRL, LOVE YOU LOTS! Call me! Kbyeeeeeee.

4. Ms. Frizzle Comes to LIFE.

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Another idea mined from the 90’s to be recreated! Lookie lookie here! I love how everyone razzes me for how much I love 90’s pop culture and fashion, when in reality, current pop culture and fashion is obsessed with the 90’s. The Magic School Bus was LIT and anytime a teacher let us watch one of their movies instead of listening to them speak, it was like a school field trip all in itself. Ms. Frizzle was a wild teacher with crazy red hair and was like hey guys you wanna learn about this? LETS JUST FLY THE DAMN SCHOOL BUS RIGHT INTO IT! And let me be the first to say, this should stay in cartoon format. There are some things that you don’t want to see in live action 3-D and this series is one hundo percent one of them. I distinctly remember the human body episode where Frizz-nasty commandeers the bus down a kid’s throat to show everyone what germs are kicking around in his body to give him this cold. When you see germs as cartoons you’re like eh that’s kinda gross but also cool. I don’t need to see germs IRL like we’re looking under a G-D microscope. Leave that to icky science classes. Not for me. I also don’t need to see the kid have a VERY wet sneeze to get the bus out of his nose. I almost just ralphed imagining that. So once again, I’ll reiterate for those of you in the back that may not be paying attention: the 90’s were cool as hell but I’ll dictate what’s worth recreating and what’s not. Pro: Bike shorts, overalls, scrunchies, Olsen Twins & Babysitters Club. Against: The Magic School bus IRL.

5. The Chicks.

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I’m REEEEEEEEEEEALLLY reaching here but the Dixie Chicks are changing their name and dropping the Dixie because it’s racist AF, I guess. Kinda like Lady Antebellum changing their name to Lady A and then pissing off a black blues singer with the same name who has been around longer than them and pointed out that them trying to take her name is exactly what white privilege is. So, The Chicks should be a smooth transition. I’m guessing musicians are trying to keep some semblance of their original name since they’ve been around forever and have albums and merch and all these copyrights on their original name…but calling yourselves The Chicks sucks. At that point just go back to the drawing board and brainstorm a whole new name but make sure you’ve got a historian in there with you to point out what can be tied to racism. But everyone’s just scrambling and shooting from the hip nowadays when it’s literally the WORST time to scramble and shoot from the hip. These things should probably be really well thought out but who am I to judge. HAHA. Just kidding. I am me and I will judge the hardest. I haven’t quite seen what shit the Chicks are getting yet but I’ll be anticipating diving in on that. The only thing I did see was this A+ tweet that made me laugh out loud. Anything that ties back to the CLASSIC that is Saved by the Bell will always get a full-belly laugh from me.

BONUS:

Somebody please explain TikTok to me because I was producing hilarious content out the ying yang last week and it was stacks of 0 views. This week, I threw out my $17 straightener that I bought when I was 15 and learned that letting my hair air dry and then using a ConAir crimper just wasn’t going to cut it once I was a high schooler. It was an emotional ending for me as this straightener has seen the best and worst of my hair throughout the past 15 years. It was only fitting that I gave it a proper burial with Enya. I expected this to be a dud just like the rest and whatdya know I checked TikTok twenty minutes later to confirm and it had 15 likes and 152 views. SO I GUESS I JUST HAVE TO BE NOT FUNNY TO BE NOTICED ON TIKTOK. I do not understand this app, which makes sense because I do not understand today’s youths and I feel like the two go hand in hand. This jarred me and I wasn’t sure what my next TikTok should be–something that I laughed at or something I think a 12 year old would laugh at. Therefore I only churned out one TikTok this week. To be fair, I also produced a HILAR video of my dad cannonballing that I worked really hard to splice some throwback 90’s audio in for but when I showed it to him expecting praise and affirmation that I’m creative AND funny, all he told me was that he looked like a heffer and this video was never to be posted anywhere publicly. WOMp WOMPPPPpppPPPP. Thanks, DAD. Way to have BODY CONFIDENCE. Don’t be out here doing 100 cannonballs and telling me to film or boomerang them if you’re just going to scoff at your dad bod in them. So instead of posting that, I’ll post this bitchy tweet about how much I hate celebs and their lack of individuality. Have a good weekend, everyone except famous people who get internet adoration for being TOTAL PLAIN BAGELS.

 

 

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 6/15/2020

1. Another One Bites The Dust.

clarkson-blackstock

*Technically* this news broke last week. And unfortunately for me, my sister scooped me on this while I was out of town. I wasted no time in spinning right around and scooping my bestie. It’s a scoop eat scoop world out there and we’re all just doing anything we can to stay on top. I expect that my bestie then turned to her fiancé and scooped him even though he probably couldn’t care less. Doesn’t matter. Still counts as a scoop. But I got carried away there as I tend to do. The real tragedy here is that quarantine is knocking couples down left and right. Celebs who once relied on spending 99% of their relationship traveling or living separately or constantly busy and unable to spend time together anyway hit a HOARD realization once the world shut down that PERHAPS those factors are what made their relationship work and PERHAPS being around each other all the time has reminded them that they barely tolerate each other. That’s just a shot in the dark as someone who is currently living with her parents who have been married for 38 years today (Happy Anniversary, M&D!) and if they spend too much time in each other’s presence yell at each other for breathing. My mom almost burns the house to the ground anytime my dad eats a banana near her because he chews it so grossly. Facts are facts…people aren’t meant to live inside of each other’s buttholes with no breathers and if you factor in small children on top of that, YOIKES. It’s really no surprise that celeb ‘ships are dropping like flies. Obviously the biggest loss of this particular relationship is that Kelly can no longer call Reba “Mom” and that should really take a lot of content out of the 9 different country music awards that happen annually.

2. J Baby VERY MUCH Confirmed.

EXCLUSIVE: Sophie Turner Shows Off Her Growing Baby Bump While Out with Joe Jonas in Los Angeles.

Back in February it was leaked that Sophie Turner was pregnant but it was never “officially” announced and so if you’ll recall (remind yourself by re-reading HERE) I declared that if this news didn’t end up being the real deal, I’d get a face tat because I prematurely yapped about it before knowing if it was legit or not. Well THIS BEAUTIFUL FACE WILL REMAIN MY MONEY MAKER, CLEAN AS A WHISTLE! THAT IS A PREGNANT ASS WOMAN! VICTORY IS MINE MUAHAHHAHHAHHA. Ok but seriously though why keep it mums? Like if you’re not going to go full Kylie Jenner and go into hiding for an entire year until that baby is born…what’s the idea behind letting other people announce your pregnancy and then just never saying anything about it…but then waltzing around with your very OBVIOUSLY pregnant belly. Kinda a weird move here. Is she creating a diversion so we don’t know that Pri is also pregnant and we’ll have Jonai cousins same day birth (to be documented for Amazon entitled “Happiness Jr.”) Just spitballin here, but since Pri and Nick seem to be total social media whores about all of the things that go on in their life, I doubt they’d be hiding a baybay. PS I was going to get cocky a few weeks ago when the below paparazzi picture was released but it just wasn’t OVERLY preggers to me. Like I’d feel pretty awful if I was like HAHA SHE’S PREGNANT, BITCHES and she just was wearing a baggy black sweatshirt and hadn’t pooped in a couple of days. I’m glad I waited for the real money shot. Feels a lot more satisfying this way.

sophieandjoe

3. Showmance.

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cats outta the bag ❤️

A post shared by stokes, chase here i am (@hichasestokes) on

Remember when I did everyone a service and watched all of the new series on Netflix and Hulu just so that I could tell you which ones were garbage and which ones were probably still garbage but addicting as hell? (Catch up HERE if you missed) Outerbanks definitely fell in the latter category. For sure made for teenagers and yet every adult I follow on Twitter got sucked into its treasure hunt Pogue life wormhole. It was so awesomely bad and the center of the cheesiness was John B and Sarah–star crossed lovers. Where Pogues meet Kooks. One was a homeless orphan running from the cops, the other a privileged fancy B living in a mansion with a real doucher for a dad. (No spoilers) Obviously these two couldn’t make out on a boat while the sun set for the show and NOT fall in love IRL. Superfans were already starting to sniff out that they were boning it up so they decided to make it instaG offish. I’m not really shipping these two like many teen hearts are across the world–mostly because I found her SUPER annoying in the show and I found John B super beach babe soda but now that I follow him on Instagram and see what he’s really like, I’m over it. It was really just the waves and the fugitive life that was making his sex appeal boom for me. Now it’s just MEH. So have fun, you two crazy kids. But don’t break up right before you start filming season 2 and force a shitty story line because you can’t be professional and continue to smooch each other. (Lookin’ at you One Tree Hill….the Lucas and Brooke breakup of season 3 after their engagement failed IRL wrecked me.)

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This one

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Also those two Insta’s PERFECTLY describe how boys post pictures vs. how girls post pictures in a relationship. Chase posts a hideous selfie probably not meant for anyone other than them, Madelyn posts an adorbs professional photo of them. Yup..sounds about right. My ex boyf posted a collection of my UGLIEST photos for my birthday one year (after I asked him if he was gonna even give me a social media shoutout for my 28th year) and when I pointed out how ugly I was in all of those photos he laughed. On his birthday I picked model status photos. NBD but the BIGGEST DEAL EVER boys are the worst.

4. CREEP ALERT.

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Chris D’Elia is the latest alleged Hollywood creepster using his fame and celebrity status to lure teens to bang him. And here’s where I’m a little confused. One girl started out the confessions by tweeting the below (click for the whole thread):

And then within the same day, TONS of girls came forward tweeting receipts of their similar experiences. Basically high school or sometimes even middle school girls (WOOF) would reach out to him via social media saying they liked his comedy or telling him he was funny or that they saw him live…whatever. And then he would use them being fans and young dum dums to take advantage of them and demand to meet up for after show BJ’s or a whole other bunch of icky things that a thirty + year old should never be requesting from a teenager who doesn’t even have a drivers license yet. And he would have girls like this in every city as he toured and could just reach out to them for a hookup as he cruised through. I mean there’s literally hundreds of tweets to read through, some actual screenshots from the girl he was texting/messaging/emailing and some just anonymous entries because the girl didn’t want her name out there. There’s really no reason to believe that this many girls would just make this up for attention and yet here’s the statement that ole Chrissy finally released:

“I know I have said and done things that might have offended people during my career, but I have never knowingly pursued any underage women at any point. All of my relationships have been both legal and consensual and I have never met or exchanged any inappropriate photos with the people who have tweeted about me. That being said, I really am truly sorry. I was a dumb guy who ABSOLUTELY let myself get caught up in my lifestyle. That’s MY fault. I own it. I’ve been reflecting on this for some time now and I promise I will continue to do better.”

And this is where my confusion comes into play. After ALL of those confessions, you’re really gonna say Nah, WASN’T ME. wut?!

That’s gotta be one of the WORST official responses to sexual harassment/assault allegations in history. ESPECIALLY in the #MeToo era. And then on top of that to have him play a pedo on the Netflix show “You” and to have SEVERAL soundbytes with jokes about how there isn’t some conspiracy in Hollywood where older guys are banging younger girls. This is fishy as hell and I doubt this shitty statement makes this all just go away so buckle up, Chris. You’re about to get CAAAAAAANCELLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEDDDD.

5. I Said A Bang, Bang, Bangity, Bang.

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I know I need bangs 😜😜 !!!!! Who would have thought bangs could make you look waaaaay younger ?!?! I stopped having bangs in the 3rd grade and I remember like it was yesterday …. it was such a big deal to expose my forehead …. only pretty people in the south could do that and I never felt pretty enough to pull it off. All the beauty pageant girls did it but I never felt beauty pageants were my thing … I had bad teeth and felt like an ugly duckling. I met with a modeling agency but I wasn’t pretty enough so I went home and said, "maybe I can be like the older girls and show my forehead" !!!! I did and it looked sooooo bad but I thought I was gorgeous 🤣 !!!! I think I knew it didn’t look good but I did it because I thought it made me cool …. and I’ve pretty much had it like that ever since !!!! People choose different ways to protect themselves …. when I pull my bangs in front of my head I feel like I’m protected … almost like I’m in 3rd grade again ⭐️💖🌸 !!!

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It was a literal headline this week that Britney Spears got bangs. She debuted them on her Instagram, which is the eighth world wonder. If you ever want to scroll through someone’s insta and feel like you’re losing years on your life, Britney’s is my top suggestion. There are so many trashy nuggets to gain from what she chooses to share with the world and you might wonder aloud more than once, “who is doing wellness checks on her?” Well, I knew that she cut bangs thanks to the People.com article about it, but they didn’t acknowledge the fact that just days before she did the deed, she posted an entire soliloquy about how bangs make her feel pretty because she’s not pretty enough to show off her forehead. She then pulled baby hairs out of her ponytail to mimic bangs for this national declaration. WHAT A TRIP. I don’t think it would hurt for someone to just ask her with prolonged eye contact how she’s doing. Maybe one of her family members? I mean we go from her burning her gym down (and acting ho hum LOL I BURNED MY GYM DOWN about it) to chopping a fringe because her forehead is ugly. Brit…girl…it’s a known warning not to cut bangs after a breakup for a reason. Bangs are ALWAYS a regret. And let me be probably the first but certainly not the last to say WOOF. What is happening here?!

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🌹🌹🌹

A post shared by Britney Spears (@britneyspears) on

PS as many of you basic bitches know, Teej/Marshalls/Homegoods finally opened back up again this week. Women everywhere who just love a bargain flocked to their doors, my mom being one of them. There’s just a thirst that we all have within us for cheap clothes and shoes that we probably don’t need and it’s been so many months since we’ve been able to drink a tall glass of Maxxinista. I sent my mom out to test the waters and see how things were going (scope out lines and idiot crowds) and report back. Afterward, I made my first Teej trip and gave her strict instructions not to allow me to buy a bunch of stupid shit that I don’t need as I’m trying to save money and she obliged. We walked in and went our separate ways where I proceeded to pull clothes of racks at rapid speed. That’s when I stumbled upon a black graphic tee with a variation of the 2001 “Britney” album cover and my need for pop culture graphic tees TOOK OVER. It was only 8 dollars (on clearance of course) and when I presented all of my things to my mom, I fully expected that to be the first to get bounced as “shit I didn’t need.” But AU CONTRAIR, Cin told me I DID NEED THIS BRITNEY SHIRT. And now I’m the proud owner of a tee that every time I rock, I will shout It’s Britney, Bitch! And that brings me more joy than $8 could ever buy. It’s only slightly concerning that when I brought it home and modeled it for my dad he asked me if those were her new bangs. BRITNEY SPEARS GETTING BANGS WAS SUCH NEWS THAT MY DAD HEARD ABOUT IT. Also, upon my first outing to Dunks in my new tee, a GrubHub driver picking up his order shouted BRITNEY! and when I realized he was talking to me he launched into a full convo about what Britney’s son has been “tweetering.” So basically not only do I look cool as hell in this shirt, it’s also a hot topic for conversation in public. WHAT A FIND.

 

BONUS: Here’s your favorite part of the JUice where I hawk my own TikToks. Unfortunately I have some very solemn news for you all. I’ve regressed on the Tok. While I once was booming with thousands of views, I now REGULARLY post videos that get 0 views. TikTok does not appreciate my brand of comedy and I am incredibly disappointed in them. I’m SORRY I CAN’T DANCE. I’M SORRY I’M NOT THE MOST BOOOOORING PERSON EVER. So watch my Tiktoks if you want. Or keep them at 0 views. WHATEVER. I’m going to keep making them because THEY MAKE ME LAUGH.

@thesaltyju

All it took was three months of wearing loungewear for me to give 0 F’s. #90skids #iloveit #bikeshortsftw #fashion #savedbythebell #fyp

♬ original sound – thesaltyju

And obviously, I can’t talk about my bomb ass new shirt without strutting it, MAMA.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/25/2020

This the kind of week that separates the men from the boys. The wheat from the chaff. Will I, The Salty Ju, have the talent, wit and charisma it takes to make a week full of NOTHING going on, into entertainment? If by the end of this blog you have not giggled one time, you may request a refund through the service department of what you believe your time spent reading this was worth. If your time, much like mine, is worthless, then shut the hell up and I’ll see you next week: same time, same place.

1. Reunions Galore.

If I had to guess who would reunite for fanfare and/or charity during these trying times, I’d have to admit that the cast of Cheaper by the Dozen isn’t even in the same stratosphere of the iconic shows or movies that I would list. And that’s probably why I love this so much. Cheaper by the Dozen was a GR8 family flick. It had sexy Ashton Kutcher in his heyday, Hilary Duff hot off of Lizzie McGuire and Metamorphosis, staples like Bonnie Hunt and Steve Martin as the loving but maybe a little too horny parents (a more modern and less religious Annie & Eric Camden, if you will), the sassy little back up dancer from Missy Elliott’s music videos and sidekick of Mike’s Super Short Show on Disney, another babe soda Tom Welling, and then a whole mishmosh of new kid actors teaching us how to best make our parents lives miz with small pranks. It was most certainly birth control in movie form. And yet, you couldn’t help but tear up when the redhead who is super into frogs gets called FedEx. It had it all. And then the sequel debuted Taylor Lautner as the hot kewl kid across the lake and as a 6th grader I realized that I had a thing for boys with a nice bronze glow. Either way, I feel like Cheaper by the Dozen can easily be forgotten when in reality, most people in my age bracket probably have a soft spot for it and now maybe want to give it a nostalgic re-watch. So I’d like to thank whoever organized this little throwback (I’m assuming it’s Hil Duff because she’s been real into the reunions lately) because I live for “where are they now” articles basically just so I can see what child actors look like now and this was one in video form. Notably missing: Steve Martin. Guess he got a little TOO big for his britches. Can’t even toss us a bone by doing a TikTok for the movie that MADE him. PS: Piper Perabo must’ve really had to reach deep for her reenactment. Stand still and look hot. Eye roll. Show us some range, sista.

2. Boob Reduction.

The world’s fave Twitter cool girl has overshared that she’ll be getting her fake bewbs out. Apparently people were a little heated when she instagram-live’d her COVID test, because it sometimes appears as though those with unlimited cash flow seem to have the privilege of a doctor coming into their home for a personal test that people are literally lining up on city sidewalks to get…but not Chrissy. She’s just keeping it real, yo. She didn’t request that a home visit testing be administered—noooo it was her doctor who requested it before she gets an elective surgery during a national pandemic to get her full C’s out. God, people can be so judgmental. STOP BEING SO NOSY EVERYONE AND ASKING A CELEBRITY HOW SHE GOT A COVETED COVID TEST. She’s sick of not being able to zip her dress over the boobs that she chose to have put inside her body. Have a little sympathy, assholes. Let her LAY ON HER BELLY for Pete’s sake! And really, here’s the actual reason I relished in posting this very pretentious piece of celebrity news…”What? Making your tits smaller, that’s like slapping God across the face for giving you a gorgeous gift.”

I watched this movie so many times when it came out that I can easily quote it line by line. I know Chrissy is choosing to get rid of implants–not necessarily getting a breast reduction, and yet this scene still applies. Cause as soon as she’s un-bandaged, I’ll be refreshing her insta hoping to catch a glimpse of those warlocks.

3a. Swifties Attack the BK Lounge.

BKLounge

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that fast food social media is some of the best you’ll see. You can tell they understand the power of wittiness and social media marketing and if I had to guess, they employ youths straight out of college to run their Twitter accounts. There have been so many times that fast food accounts have gotten into snarky twitter battles or used memes or pop culture references to promote product/get attention  and it works EVERY time. This is one of those times where I will not back the Swifties. Y’all don’t have a sense of humor if you can honestly say tweeting BURGER KING with what is your favorite Taylor Swift song and getting back “the one about her ex” doesn’t illicit a giggle and a “good one.” Nothing about this tweet was mean and it was a well-placed comeback. I don’t think we need to burn the BK Lounge at the stake for an innocuous joke. These little Swiftie stans started #BurgerKingIsOverParty from this one tweet. Obviously the tweet was deleted and if we’re going to be roasting Burger King about ANYTHING it’s going to be for the time they made the Halloween whopper with a PITCH BLACK HAMBURGER BUN that turned everyone’s shit green.

Burger King Halloween Whopper

Well, everyone who was gross enough in the first place to eat it. So in retrospect, they deserved the Leprechaun poops but BK for sure needs to be put on blast for that holiday marketing fail more than a funny joke about how Taylor Swift writes songs about her exes. (Can also argue that the King himself who just creeps around in all their commercials could take a beating as well…) I bet you Tay read that tweet from her house that she bought with the money that she made from the songs that she wrote about her own life and was like HAHA sick burn, BK. Their recovery tweet also deserves a hat tip:

YOU COME AT THE KING, YOU BEST NOT MISS! (but furreal thank God they got rid of this cheeto-dusted Jesus lookin plastic ass head with an eternal smile and lifeless eyes. NIGHTMARES.)

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3b. Jack Leopards & the Dolphin Club

Aside from their beef with BK (pun intended) Swifties also made waves this week for sniffing out another “clue” dropped by their almighty Queen Taylor. After putting out props for a cover of Look What You Made Me Do that apparently was featured on the show Killing Eve, those little rats dug deeper to find out that the band Jack Leopards & the Dolphin Club doesn’t actually exist and Taylor’s brother Austin at one point had something about a dolphin club on his social media and the producer on the song was Nils Sjoberg (the fake name she used on Calvin Harris’s song that she wrote) and Jack Antonoff somehow had a tie to these clues as well and I don’t know I can’t keep up with all of these people creeping for internet breadcrumbs. The moral of the story is that Scooter Braun/Scott Borchetta/Big Machine bought the rights to Taylor’s entire body of work and she very publicly told them to F off and that they were big bullies capitalizing off of her hard work. So now apparently Taylor will make up fake band names in order to re-record all of her old songs. I’m not sure what is legal and what isn’t here and why she can’t just use her own name and talent to make a point but if there is going to be a sneaky way to her re-releasing each song, I’m out. If I may use her own words to explain how I feel: And I’m like I just I mean this is exhausting, you know. Also, this version sucks. It’s terrifying and creepy and could pass for the Burger King mascot’s theme song.

4. Scott & Sofia Are “On A Break.”

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You know I’m desperado for goss when I’m stooping down to Kardashian level. Back in the day when I KEPT up with the Kardashians, Scott was always my fave because he said what everyone else was thinking. He had no problem making fun of how stupid these B’s were. Unfortunately, things took a turn when he literally crumbled right before us on reality TV with his parents both dying and then turning into a real partying mess. It seemed (through the tabs) that things had turned around and he and Sofia had been together a few years now and they were doing that new age thing where the exes take family vacations with their kids and their new sig oths and everyone just gets along like gangbusters. So at first it seemed like it would be a fling because of the casj 16 year age difference but clearly they proved everyone wrong. Except that Scott recently went back to rehab and I’m guessing that’s when things started to head downhillskis. Obviously everyone is wishing for a Kourtney and Scott reunion, which much like Brad and Jen, I think we can all put to bed almost immediately. I love that America is so gung-ho about re-coupling famous people whose relationships ended in fiery flames. Like obviously they all get along now, years later but let’s not forget the shitstorm that happened during these breakups. Scott was a mean alcoholic who once shoved dollar bills in a waiter’s mouth in Vegas on camera and Brad cheated on Jen with Angelina Jolie. Did I mean to make a parallel between reality TV stars and America’s sweethearts? No, but I rest my case. Everyone stop shipping terrible relationships. Or else.

PS shout out to Khloe Kardashian for getting an entirely new face and thinking no one would notice when she’s spent her entire adult life on camera 24/7.

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location: under bitches skiiiinnnnn 💋

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5. What? Like It’s Hard?

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This falls under the category of news you never knew you needed. This is proof of what we in the pop culture blogging biz call a SLOW NEWS WEEK. Halsey who once wore open silk PJ’s on a red carpet chose quarantine to show us all up. She’s already got the voice of an angel and a booming music career but now she’s going to study to take the bar exam. Because why the hell not become a lawyer too?! Ya girl can’t even secure one career and now I’ve gotta deal with greedy bitches like Halsey who just decide to dabble in them all! I think I speak for everyone when I say, do less. You’re making us all look bad.

“Law is fun but hard.” COME ON!!! You’re reading a book called Constitutional Law. I almost fell asleep writing that. And to toss a hot bod bikini pic in with it?! Damn, Elle Woods, all that’s missing is the bend and snap!

BONUS: Weekly Update on my blossoming TikTok Career.

@thesaltyju

I depend on packages for happiness these days. Today was NOT a good package day. At least I’m not Lori Loughlin. #fail #onlineshopping #fyp

♬ original sound – cidcurry

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/18/2020

1. Another One Bites The Dust.

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Megan Fox was seen gallivanting around with Machine Gun Kelly recently so rumors started swirling about her and Brian Austin Green getting a divorce. Brian then used his podcast to announce that they’ve been separated for months and it’s all good. They want to Hollywood new-age co-parent and do vacays together and shit and they love each other but Megan Fox just realized when she was in another country filming a movie (coincidentally with Machine Gun Kelly) that she just liked being a single gal without kids and living it up so that doesn’t really mean GREAT things for their marriage, obviously. Since then, she has basically confirmed that she’s boning MGK (how do skinny wieners like Machine Gun Kelly and Pete Davidson consistently pull in hot older woman ass? A burning question that may never be answered) via the new music video he dropped this week. As much as I want to hate this song, it grows on you. And now I think it kinda slaps. Does this make me an MGK fan?

If you want my personal opinion–that’s why you’re here, right?–Megan Fox is overrated as hell, stinks as an actress because all she ever does is play the hot girl with basically no inflection or personality and Brian Austin Green deserves to find a forever Donna to his David. And that’s the tea.

2. Warm Fuzzy of the Week.

If you watch the above videos, you’ll see that some little kid gave his neighborhood FedEx driver a skateboard and told him to get it to Tony Hawk. Natch, all it took was the FedEx driver’s TikTok to go viral and Tony Hawk replied with a shoutout to the kid as well as one of his skateboards. I don’t often post adorable things that celebrities do because I’m so busy ridiculing them for being idiots and/or rubbing their fame and fortune in our faces or in the case of Taylor Swift, begging her to notice me and sweep me up in her BFF entourage. Regardless, this was a real win for Tony Hawk and for TikTok, which gets a bad rep for all the underage hoochies dancin on it. I also really posted this story so that I could share what I just discovered this week–which is that Tony Hawk uses his Twitter primarily to tell stories about people who don’t have a clue who he is and that is very entertaining to me. So not only is Tony Hawk a real stand-up gent, he’s also got a great sense of humor and obviously shreds gnar ollies. (Did I do that right, Mr. Hawk?)

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3. Trainwreck Divorce Update.

It may come as no shock, but Very Cavallari has been cancelled along with Kristin’s marriage. Did E! Executives say: we don’t want a reality show without that sarcastic sassy hubs of yours? Maybe. Or maybe Kristin realized letting a reality show back into her life wouldn’t fit the narrative of all the mud she’s been slinging about Jay to the press. Either way, the world will have to live without a show that highlights a girl named Brittainy (because of course it’s spelled that way) prancing all over Nashville with maximum cleavage at all times. She will be missed. Unfortunately this also leaves the door wide open for Kristin to sashay back onto the Hills because she now fits the bill perfectly for that reboot of washed up moms who still want to act like they’re 23 at Les Deux. Playboy Spence is campaigning HARD to get her back on The Hills and I’m just not sure if I’m mentally or emotionally prepared for that. Don’t get me wrong, if it happens, I’ll watch, but I won’t enjoy it.

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Also, since we can’t go a few days without an update on their divorce proceedings (or questioning if Kristin gave herself a mother’s day tribute from Jay’s instagram…gotta respect the hustle) I also made a note in my phone to mention that they’re basically giving their house in Nashville away. They bought it for 7.9 million, they’re selling it for 5 million. YOOIIIIIKES. That’s gotta hurt.

4. Stop Declaring the Song of the Summer in May.

As 1/2 of the famous duo that CURATED the soundtrack to the summer for 10 straight years also known as Summer Palooza, I can confidently say that if you declare a song the SONG OF THE SUMMER in May, you’ll regret it by end of June. I know this, because I too have fallen prey to this trap. The ONLY exception to this rule was the year JT dropped Can’t Stop the Feeling. It was a diamond in the rough considering it was made for a Trolls movie, but that was the SINGULAR scenario where I excitedly trumped it the song of the summer and it was INDEED the SONG OF THE SUMMER. So anyway, I now present to you, songs that were released this week(ish) that are most certainly not THE SONG OF THE SUMMER. If you beg and plead hard enough, maybe Nikki and I will bring Summer Palooza out of retirement if only to give you bitches a lesson in what qualifies as a three-month long seasonal slap.

5. Good News is worth a lot of Cheddar.

Remember the Youtube show that John Krasinski made during this pandemic that has everyone buzzing every week? I’ve blogged about it strictly for Office cast reunions, but basically John Krasinski the handsome devil that he is, created this show out of the goodness of his heart to spotlight good news and also kick it with his celebrity friends and give us all a taste of an Office reunion and probably keep him busy during quarantine. The entertainment industry is so RABID for new ideas because they recycle the same old shit constantly, that after John’s 8 episode run was over there was a legitimate bidding war for the IP of the show. John sold out and now Some Good News will be on CBS…without him. WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT?! Like way to take a good, wholesome original thing and turn it corporate ya money-hungry grubbers. I’m not even mad at John because he created the idea and he deserves the payout…but man,  Hollywood ruins everything. (I’ll retract that statement the day they offer me even a penny for my work. BUT UNTIL THEN I WON’T BITE MY TONGUE.)

BONUS: This is a very weird wormhole that I went down, but everyone was really jazzed about the below clip where Sarah Ramos (of Parenthood fame) and Dylan O’Brien (of Teen Wolf reboot fame) redid a scene from the Social Network.

And that’s cool and all, they obviously did a good job and you can watch the original scene at the end for reference if like me, you haven’t seen the social network in a solid 5 years. But what really entertained me for the rest of the night, was going into a deep dive on Sarah Ramos’ instagram. Girl has been just regularly recreating obscure movie and TV scenes on her own and they are GREAT. Shout out to her for just doing the damn thing. I’ve included my favorites (all pre-teen classics) but you can refer to her Instagram page for a real variety of content. Her ability to match Hilary Duff’s voice really sold me. Shouting out an incredibly cringeworthy Heidi/LC fallout scene from the Hills was just the cherry on top.

(Proof that even in her teen years, Megan Fox was playing THE EXACT SAME “CHARACTER” she always plays. I rest my case.)

And in the spirit of sharing videos of one single person filming themselves and getting way too into it, here are my TikToks from this week. If you don’t follow me on TikTok yet, you’re obviously missing out on some of my best content. I can’t allow that to happen, which is why I will continue to blast it out on my blog and also text 5-10 people the video every time I make one. Someone I like telling me I’m funny counts 10x more than a stranger on TikTok liking my video, although I will happily accept both. I’m just doing the Lord’s work here really, blessing y’all with selfie videos you never knew you wanted or needed.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/11/2020

Happy Friday and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

If you know me you know that I don’t make a big deal about my birthday. Just kidding, if you haven’t sent me a gift and/or birthday wishes deeper than an “HBD” Facebook post, you’re dead to me. Now let’s dive into breaking news this week other than me being one year away from turning thirty and still living in complete and utter shamblez.

1. The Office Wedding.

The only downfall of John Krasinski’s Some Good News is that it comes out at the beginning of the week so everyone has already yapped it to death by the end of the week. But this reunion deserves a shoutout. Pam & Jim’s wedding with the entire office recreating the JK Wedding Dance is an iconic moment and the fact that they all were able to deliver that to us in the shitty year of our Lord 2020 is definitely SOME GOOD NEWS.  Knocked it out of the park with that one, JK. (Wedding starts around the 8 minute mark if you’re not interested in anything other than celebrities…if you’re actually a good person who cares about the world, feel free to watch in full.) And might I add that Dwight kicking a bridesmaid directly in the face in the original episode is laugh out loud hilarious and when he recreated it I still burst into a fit of giggles. Guess I just really like watching bitches get kicked in the moneymaker. Other than allowing us all to enjoy a flashback to when we could shamelessly enjoy Chris Brown’s Forever without feeling guilty that he turned out to be such a dirtbag, John also invited Zac Brown on to sing the bride down the aisle with a new tune and it got REAL dusty when that happened. That handsome devil John has managed to make me cry at literally every one of these episodes he does. If I may complain though (I don’t know how not to) it was weird as hell watching someone surprise get married on Zoom. Like I feel like a little preparation or further instruction wouldn’t have hurt in this scenario. The bride is supposed to be “walking” down the aisle and yet we’re all just sitting there staring at everyone’s faces while Zac plays a lick. Even when Forever comes on everyone pretty much stayed seated. You’re gonna tell me that ONE TWO THREE FOUR hits your speakers and you’re NOT immediately dropping it down low?! Like come on, if you’re gonna have John Krasinski officiate your wedding and bring all of his celebrity friends you really gotta go for it. Felt a little stiff, TBH. And for my final complaint, he invited their parents on and her old ass dad barely got a peep in ON HIS DAUGHTER’S WEDDING DAY. (My dad would never stand for that.) Were they Zoom muted?! And of course his only comment was we never thought this moment would come. Burn city, Population: Susan. For more Office superfan content, Jim also went on the Office Ladies podcast to recap the Casino Night episode and shared tidbits about their first kiss and how he kept the original teapot gift from the show. I would have listened to the episode to get more juice but I committed to the first episode of this podcast when it dropped and wanted to chop my ears off SO badly from how annoying these two were that I couldn’t fathom listening to anymore. I’m a fan but I won’t put myself through that, even for BTS deets.

2. Jerry Stiller.

We lost a classic comedy actor this week and honestly the roles that I remember him for are what are considered as his “second act” and even those were iconic, which means I can’t even imagine everything he did before I was even born. I love the fact that Jerry and Anne were a comedy duo and still managed to stay together for 62 years. SIXTY. TWO. That’s unreal. They worked together, didn’t kill each other and stayed in love and laughing forever. That’s the dream right there. To be clear, the dream is that someone finds me funny for 62 years. The never-ending love thing seems suspicious. Either way, Jerry lived a full life in show biz and gave us a lot of memorable characters. It says everything about me that one of the first ones I thought of was him and Anne in Heavyweights as the Bushkins who get pushed out by Tony Perkis. Hi-Hi-HIYA! I guess that’s why when we all went around the room in film class in college and were asked to share our favorite movie, I said Heavyweights while everyone else named Oscar-winning films. But I digress. Jerry played dramatic outrage like nobody else and had the ability to make shouting pretty hilarious and not at all abrasive. And for that among a billion other things, he’ll be remembered.

3. Anotha Quarantine Divorce.

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To be completely up front with you, when I read the headline that MK was getting a divorce, I honestly had to think long and hard as to when she even got married. Then I scolded myself because I included her wedding in the JUice because they had BOWLS OF CIGGS at it. And honestly, HOW COULD I FORGET THAT?! MK probably wore a black cloak as her wedding gown, marries a French banker and they encourage everyone to celebrate their union with unlimited puffs. Unfortunately for us all, a very smoky wedding does not a successful marriage guarantee. Unfortunately for MK, the state of NY does not find a divorce filing supes essential during COVID times and therefore it’s being tabled. She also tried to file an emergency order because apparently Sarkozy terminated their NY lease and told her to get the hell out. So basically as we all have learned, divorce sucks already and then you throw fame and a national pandemic in the mix and shit really starts popping off. Here’s hoping Ash can help a sister out in a New York Minute.

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PS I would be a terrible blogger if while blogging about a divorce of a couple that probably had no biz being together to begin with, I didn’t include their most iconic photo together. Cause nothing says forever love like forcefully holding someone’s head in place to smooch them.

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PPS Last night my sister said the phrase so little time, which triggered me to sing the theme song from MK&A’s WORST show (Two of a Kind was their best, obviously)–I was a little rosé buzzed last night so I thought I was being hilarious–but that song is a BANGPIECE. So let’s all enjoy it as we say farewell to MK’s marriage.

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4. Kaitlyn Bristowe: Popstar Edition.

KB’s really going for broke this Quarantine szn. She already has a podcast, scrunchie/hair accessory line, wine label, live tour of her podcast (obviously had to be cancelled) and does various appearances for Bachelor-related things. Last week she dropped a Youtube show and this week it’s a single. And you know what? If I had a following like hers that was willing to drop $22 on a regular ass scrunchie, I’d try it all too. The only thing stopping me from being a total attention whore is that I don’t have a following. She releases this very mediocre, produced pop country (can we really call it country?) song and it’s a best seller on Apple music just because of how many fans she has that worship whatever she does. And again, I’m jelly. This is coming from a jealous place. I mean people were comparing her to Taylor Swift. Give the song a listen and let me know if that sounds like  a T.Swift joint. Am I going to probably download it anyway? If I’m being honest…yeah. I’m probably also going to re-watch the first episode of her Youtube series where she talks about moving back home in her late twenties after a breakup and being depressed AF before going on the Bachelor and becoming D-list famous so that I can visualize that for myself as well. Maybe by my 34th birthday I’ll talk about how I went from making TikToks about hand sanitizer that had 0 views to becoming the next Joan Rivers. You know how people make vision boards? That’s mine. Frame it. We’ll circle back in a few years. Wouldn’t hate having my own Rosé either. Add that to the list. And nail some choreography for real and not in a “but you still look like you’re having fun” way. But that’s all. K, I’m done.

@thesaltyju

If you don’t also scream sing HE LOOKS UP GRINNING LIKE A DEVIL, are you even a Taylor Swift fan? #cruelsummer #taylorswift #fyp #swiftie #lover

♬ orijinal ses – taylor_swift13.3

Also we get it…you guys LOVE AND SUPPORT EACH OTHER. Ugh. ALL the eye rolls in the world. It’s not taking a risk if you sell out scrunchies in a matter of seconds…you know you have fans that will buy your product whatever it may be. K, bye for real now.

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KB releasing a song today is just another depiction of her manifesting the dreams she had always envisioned. It’s a testament of her ability to conquer her fears of failure and pursue unchartered territory with a refreshing perspective. We live in a culture with significant societal pressures & Kaitlyn has a remarkable way of converting negative energy directed her way into a motivational energy source to succeed. Her commitment to lead the life she always imagined is contagious & empowering. The celebration today isn’t about the fact you’re clobbering today’s music charts – #1 in Canada and #3 in the US (…not a big deal) but that you’re crossing another dream off the bucket list! #ifimbeinghonest

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If I’m being honest, I didn’t think I would ever release this song. I was too afraid, insecure, and kept doing the classic “what if”. I don’t know who needs to hear this but f*ck the what if’s. This uncertain time has shed light on how important time is. So while this song has been collecting dust for over a year, I’ve finally decided to share it with you. Singing has always been something that makes my heart happy. So if I’m being honest, Im still feeling insecure, yet PROUD to share this with you now. I even think we can all relate to the lyrics right now. It’s available wherever you get your music or my bio. Love you guys. Thank you. #IfImBeingHonest Also huge shout out to @jennifer_denmark @savannahkeyesmusic for helping me write this, and @itsmikemiller for producing it.

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5. Lizzie McGuire Gang Hang.

I was hoping something more newsworthy would come through because I know there’s a VERY small Lizzie McGuire demographic here but alas not much was popping this week. I expect 0 of you to sit through a cast table read of a Lizzie McGuire episode about her buying her first bra like I did, so I’m happy to sum it up for you. They chose to read this episode because it was controversial at the time for the Disney channel to be covering puberty and development. They could only say bra a certain number of times and they could only show a pile of bras and not one singular bra. HOW WEIRD IS THAT. Disney channel, RELAX. It’s also relevant as they do the reboot because Hilary has been very outspoken about how Disney plus is really putting a damper on what they can and cannot do and now that they’re portraying a 30 year old, they’re gonna need to get past bras being taboo. So I think we can all go ahead and assume that reboot will never see the light of day. The cast seemed to all get along and they reminisced about how they were a family on set. Gordo has a DISGUSTING mustache and looks like a 70’s porn star and the girls of the cast talked about how they were literally buying their first bras as they were filming this show so it was a little awksies. If you want to read more about how great Lizzie Mcguire was, feel free to check out the blog I wrote 100 years ago where I also talk about begging my mom to get a bra. Now I get mad if I have to put one on. Oh how the turn tables. It was also ironic for Hilary to be reading her part as Lizzie trying on her first bra while her boobs were literally busting out of the top of her tank. Get it gurl. (Unfortunately no mention of the epic Lizzie McGuire movie and Paolo, or a shitty Italian accent from Lizzie, which I feel like we all need in these trying times. She did pronounce Oboe wrong though, so I guess there’s that.)

BONUS: Jimmy Fallon is still producing the tonight show from his home and I find any sort of group video call where they can all sing together and sound harmonized very impressive, so jam out to this little diddy they released this week. Brendon Urie has a phenomenal voice and I feel like I shit on him a little bit last year when he was featured on ME!, so I’m giving him credit now…a year later.

 

BIRTHDAY BONUS:

Here’s the part where I might normally be like hopefully this is my best year yet! But I learned from my mistakes last year. You would think physically choking on a hunk of raw zucchini that a hibachi chef fireballed down my throat, being moments away from getting the Heimlich from one of my friends who happens to be a nurse and then dry heaving that zucc chunk up underneath the table all before dinner even started would have been SOME SORT OF SIGN THAT 28 WAS VERY MUCH NOT GOING TO BE MY YEAR, but alas I was a little slow on the uptake. So given that I’m turning 29 in quarantine as the world burns before our very eyes and we’re forced to trust humanity to follow rules, wash themselves and keep us all alive (plus I’m unemployed AF & going on month 6 of living with my parents), I’m just gonna go ahead and say: feel like 29’s not gonna be my year. If it is, I’ll be pleasantly surprised. When it’s not, I’ll just shrug my shoulders and be able to say my favorite phrase on this earth TOLD YA SO!

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/27/2020

1. KCav & Cutty No Mo.

Kristin posted this on Sunday and as I was scrolling through Instagram I read it and was like haha what a funny prank and then remembered it was definitely not near April Fools and that this probably wasn’t a prank. After that realization, I read it aloud to my sister and immediately texted my friend to scoop her on it. Just because it’s sad and traumatizing news does not mean it shall go unscooped. As you might recall, Kristin, Jay, their family and their gay besties were all quarantined together in the Bahamas for several weeks. They seemed like they were having a ball (under the circumstances) playing games and drinking together, posting constantly on social media. Jay was often included and seemed happy and a part of it and not at all annoyed that his wife felt the need to utilize their family vacay for content creation. What a dream. THAT’S the kind of man that I want to marry. Except now it’s all a lie and love is dead. I will admit that against my better judgment and mostly due to an overwhelming boredom and nosiness, I began to tune into Very Cavallari this season once my sister promised me that it was more about Kristin and Jay and less about big-toothed sorority lookin’ bitches running a jewelry line and ho’ing out all over Nashville. I was pleasantly surprised at how much I was beginning to like Kristin, but if we’re being honest I was really tuning in for Jay. I lived for his dry sarcasm and eye rolls at the stupidity that is reality tv. It was riveting. Plus, I felt like they were a real couple that had their ups and downs and weren’t putting on an act. Cut to divorce. Obviously this ambiguous insta and going social media dark left a lot of lingering questions and really all we needed to do is sit back and wait for the deets to start flying. And boy oh boy have they been flying. We now know that they’ve been in rough shape for a while and they went on the trip knowing they’d be announcing their divorce. They fought constantly. Everyone in Nashville knew they were on the rocks, Jay’s parents never liked Kristin, the film crew of Very Cavallari witnessed him yelling at her a lot, belittling her and making her cry. Oh, and apparently Jay blindsided Kristin by filing for the big D, so she struck back by citing “inappropriate marital conduct” and asking for primary custody of the kids. AND she said he’s trying to stop her from buying a new house for herself (Let this be a lesson to all the girls out there, ALWAYS keep a separate checking account for yourself. Joint checking accounts are for boners.) If we can’t trust in love anymore, at least we can trust in knowing that the real dirt will always come out. These PR statements that celebs make upon splitting about loving each other and respecting each other don’t mean shit if you’re lawyering up HOARD and the steaming hot garbage of your relashe is pouring out to the press daily. Did Cutty cheat?! Will Kristin and Audrina become single moms out on the prowl, fighting over Justin Bobby again?! I’m sure we’ll all find out soon enough. You can count on me to keep you posted on the dramz……..regretfully so.

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2a. Oopsie Poopsie.

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I gotta be up front about this one and say that by scoop rules, I was scooped. I was hesitant to scoop it out because it was originally “reported” that she was pregnant and I didn’t want to be wrong and in that moment’s hesitation, my friend got me. If you’re wondering out loud why we’re both giant losers who need to be the first to announce celebrity gossip in order to feel alive, please know that you aren’t wrong.

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Since I’m the one with the blog, I could’ve easily spun this to say that I announce all celebrity gossip first, but I’m nothing if not brutally honest. I’ll take the L here. Losing a scoop is like losing the will to survive. I couldn’t even type that with a straight face. Put that on my gravestone tho, furreal. Anyway, beyond the fact that I missed out on delivering this juicy news (I bounced back by announcing it to my sister, she scoffed at me because she hates both of these individuals), let’s chat real quick about this trend for the youths of Hollywood where having a kid out of wedlock before you’re 25 is a badge of honor. That used to be frowned upon, no? Like in the real world, if you get preggers accidentally and you’re young, there’s a little yikes factor to that. A slight cloud of shame for bucking society standards. In Hollywood, it’s cool as shit to pop babies out while you’re still in your 20’s partying phase. A baby is just another cute accessory to wear matching crop tops with and you forget you even gave birth because your body bounces back so quick. Kylie Jenner was like I knew I was just meant to be a mom. No betch, you got knocked up and then put a spin zone on it. As we saw with Kylie, young parenthood doesn’t keep these couples together and you can bet your bottom dollar that Zayn and Gigi will not survive this. They’re already an unstable coups, breaking up every few months, Gigi just turned 25 and they’re both mega-famous and have careers in the spotlight. I give it a year before playing mom and dad wears off REAL QUICK. Also, just so I reinforce my legitimacy at reporting news, this was finally confirmed by the blessed Yolanda, who said she can’t wait to be an “Oma”. Then from the horses’ mouth herself, Gigi who announced it SOLO for Jimmy Fallon.

Double also, in Hollywood years I must be 95 years old because I’m 28, single and childless. When can I start cashing those retirement chexxxxxx? Triple also, let’s start betting on names to keep quarantine spicy.

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Note that normal name is last on the list of options because it’s absolutely preposterous to expect a normal name from two people who became famous in their pre-teens. Get outta here with that. Obviously since Gigi’s grandma recently passed, there will be an homage to her through first or middle name because they were close and the Hadid’s are all about that Dutch life even though they’re half Palestinian (kick rocks Mohamed, Team Yo foreva.) Zayn will not have a part in this baby’s name because he probably won’t stick around past teething. Shoutout to my gurl Kat for proposing the hard questions here and really provoking thought in the name of models getting accidentally pregnant.

2b. All of the Pregnancies.

Less triggering for me, sorry I hate youths, there were several other pregnancies announced this week. Katherine Schwarzenegger is expecting, which should come as a shock to no one because they’re supes Christian (that means they don’t use birth control…for all you heathens out there) and just got married so natch it’s babymakin time. Lea Michele didn’t announce but someone announced for her, to which my sister goes who cares, she’s not even married to a famous person. And she’s not wrong. Her husband’s name is Zandy, which I think is the real bone we have to pick here. Congrats on becoming a dad but WTF kind of a name is ZANDY?! Also, we see Lea with her gay BFF’s more than her actual husband, which doesn’t really paint a picture of a happy marriage but who am I to judge?! HAHA another sentence I couldn’t type without a burst of laughter. And lastly, Ashlee Simpson and Evan Ross are expecting another kiddie. May they name it something better than Jagger.

3. Cooch is an underrated word.

TMZ released some pics this week of Kendall hanging out with NBA player Devin Booker and let me tell you this is not the first NBA star Kendall has been linked to. Someone replied with a video of guys throwing a baby to each other and said “Kendall getting passed around the NBA”-I would include the tweet since it made me laugh out loud for use of video and coinciding burn but naturally the person has since deleted it in fear of getting internet cancelled. And Kendall came back with THIS:

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And honestly, I don’t care about the Kardashians other than to troll Kim on twitter for being the least self-aware person on this earth but this response is iconic. For all I know Kendall might’ve banged every player in the league…but referring to who she has sex with as “where i throw this cooch” was easily the coolest thing I’ve seen. Mostly because cooch is SUUUUUCH an underrated word. Every once in a while I’m reminded of a word that should be used WAY more in casual convo and this was one of those moments. Cooch is HILARIOUS. Not as derogatory as twat or vag or my personal jarring and overly-disgusting fave: roast beef curtains (RB Curtz for short). Cooch is perfectly suggestive without being offensive. The more that I read that sentence the more I’m convinced it should be a line in a Lizzo song. Maybe it is. I’m not LIT enough with hip hop so if she did steal this line from a rapper then I apologize. But credit where credit is due, that was a 10/10 response from Kendall Jenner. She flies under the radar because she has muuuuch more dramatic and self-obsessed sisters who usually take the spotlight. But a well-delivered cooch-throwing has just sky rocketed her back to the top. And if you don’t think I’m going to use every opportunity to push cooch into a convo then you don’t know me at AWL.

4. Buhholes Galore!

Societal rules don’t apply in quarantine, I guess. Butthole shots can now be justified by boredom according to Sofia Vergara. In case you didn’t already think she was a MILF, here’s her butthole next to her niece’s butthole. Can you tell them apart? Probably not! She’s 48 and her niece is 27. Yet here they are bhole twinnin it up. Just another day at the pool at Auntie Sofia’s bending over the railing to give her hot beefy husband a clear shot of two bholes as he probably does a waistband tuck! LOLOLOL. Say butthole again. BUTTHOLE. While we’re on the topic of buttholes, I recently started listening to Andrea Savage’s podcast entitled “Andrea Savage: A Grown-Up Woman #buttholes.” The idea of the podcast is to interview her friends and make people feel better about being an adult because even if you’re old and have kids and shit, you can still be immature and laugh at the word butthole. Every guest that comes on has to read their name and how they pronounce buttholes and let me tell you it makes me giggle every single time. I feel like the word buttholes, much like the word cooch, doesn’t get enough appreciation for how ridiculous and silly it is. I applaud Andrea for her work in re-emerging it into society and giving it the spotlight it deserves. Also, she’s super funny and her show I’m Sorry about her life is must-see TV–you can catch it on Netflix. And that’s my Ted Talk on BuTtHoLeS.

5. WE DID IT! 

Happy Tom

Last week I announced the reunion special of Parks and Rec and prayed to the Quarantine Gods that we didn’t get a steaming pile of dump reunion because we REALLY NEEDED SOMETHING GOOD. And thankfully, they delivered. The Parks and Rec reunion premiered last night and it was PERFECT. It was not at all forced, the storyline of Corona Virus meshed with the characters that they all played in the show and was a completely plausible plot for all of them, it wasn’t at all odd that they weren’t in the same place and they still made it unified and make sense. I CAN GO ON ALL DAY. BRAVO!!! A reunion done right. Most importantly, I was nervous that requesting the return of a B side character was a lofty expectation but I got my Jean Ralphio singing dumb words AND so many more side character cameos as well. And lastly, it ended with a heartwarming group singalong to one of the greatest fictional tunes of all time, 5,000 Candles in the Wind. If you’d like to listen to that song as well as my other top fictional hits, check out my baller playlist I made like 3 years ago HERE.

And if you missed the episode last night like I did because you were busy drinking on the kitchen floor with your sister for a skilled wine glass tiktok, you can catch it on YouTube here:

 

BONUS:

You didn’t honestly think I was going to reference acrobatic drinking and not plug it in full here did you?! In my never-ending quest to perfect a TikTok dance, I had the genius idea to learn the choreography from It’s Gonna Be Me and drop it in all y’all’s faces today, May 1st. Because I’m me, I watched it once or twice and was like I CAN DO THAT, especially because I know I’ve tried to learn it before back in the Darryn’s Dance Grooves days. To be generous, I gave myself a full week to learn it. I started practicing on a Wednesday. I watched several different TikToks and decided I needed more of a breakdown so I turned to Youtube for a slower tutorial. In a half hour, I learned the first two moves, which literally cover “Every little thing I do” in the chorus. That’s about 3 seconds of dancing. I immediately quit. I’ve never felt so defeated in my life. Arms and legs are NOT SUPPOSED TO MOVE IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS AT THE SAME TIME. HOW DO YOU DO THAT?! Then last night I showed my sister the Bye, Bye, Bye dance, pointing out that we for sure did that at every wedding we’ve attended and it shouldn’t be a problem to learn. Once again we pulled up a Youtube tutorial from Lance Bass himself, as he noted that he was a TERRIBLE dancer. We spent another half hour trying to nail down the right, left, right, right footwork in the beginning. Then we tried following the Tiktok instead since that’s how we learned our first dance. No matter what we did, we both stumbled and looked like it was our first day stepping out of a wheelchair we’ve sat in for months and we were learning how to walk again. WHY do I tell you all of this in detail? Is it to humiliate myself? Maybe. OR POSSIBLY it’s to show you the DEDICATION I HAVE TO BECOMING A DANCER WHEN I DON’T HAVE A DANCER’S BODY. I’VE BEEN CURSED WITH THE LOVE TO DANCE AND THE LACK OF RHYTHM. Obviously, we gave up and decided to move our focus to something we’re better at. Drinking.

Someone commented that it should’ve been set to the Titanic song and he wasn’t wrong. Huge missed opportunity but he also doesn’t know the blood, sweat and tears that went into It’s Gonna Be Me. I will never give up. I’ll learn a dance even if it kills me. And if you’re like woooooow these two are talented as hell, here’s a little reality check to knock us down a peg or two.

HAPPY MONTH OF ME TO ALL OF YOU!!!

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/20/2020

1. Stop Coming @ Tay.

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Between Kimmy K, Ye & Scoot Scoot, everyone needs to CTFD and stop coming @ Tay during a national pandemic because girl ain’t afraid to clap back anymore. I mean she literally just hit ’em with the crying laughing face emoji. WHAT a boom roast. Not only did she just publicly say that they’re broke AF for buying her music, she also pointed out an UNGODLY amount of money when the world is burning and the economy is crashing. She knows how outright douchey it makes them look to be already rich humans looking to make a profit in a time when everyone and their mother is donating to charity and those who actually need help right now. Tay herself was paying off people’s debts. BTW, if you stumble upon this post, grl, I have school loans coming out the bhole and I’ve been your ride or die since 2009. Either way, unless you want egg on your face or more importantly, to be internet “cancelled”, take a beat and stop taking shots at the Queen, who just last week performed a very personal and emotional song on the One World Together At Home charity concert. Something that actually matters.

2. I Am A Global Citizen.

I wasn’t going to blog about this but then I just posted Tay’s performance and there’s not much going on this week so WHY NOT?! Saturday night was the Lady Gaga organized musical benefit show on TV and basically every streaming/social media platform. It was impossible to miss it. I consider myself a global citizen just for watching, when in reality, it was filling my insatiable need for awards shows and I was able to critique each performance from my couch, a true joy of mine. Also, I didn’t feel guilty about not donating because they weren’t asking for donations, the Rockefeller fam funded the whole thing basically. Win, win. There were a number of baller performances but my all-time favorite was the capri-wearing Keith trio (see above.) Great, upbeat tune and a three-for-one special on Keith. My sister and I bopped along and tried way too hard to find out how the hell he did it, 100% sounding like ignorant dummies in the process. Speaking of ignorant dummies, another highlight of being a global citizen is that everyone on the internet got mad at me and I have a bone to pick with them. I had SEVERAL funny tweets about the show, but the one that caught the most attention was this one during the Rolling Stones performance:

Each Stone rocked out separately and upon further inspection, my sister and I noticed that the drummer was in fact air drumming. Not having a deep knowledge on the members of the Rolling Stones and seeing that this gent was incredibly old (and might need a wellness check), my first assumption was that for charity, they let some super-fan gramps pop in and pretend to be the drummer for the evening. And he was having a ball hitting that imaginary high hat, which made me happy and was highly entertaining. Apparently the diehard rock fans DID NOT LIKE MY JOY.

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Well, Proud Member of Cult45*thanks@catturd2: if Charlie IS the Stones drummer why doesn’t he HAVE a drum set? ANSWER ME THAT. Seriously though if you spend your free time yelling at people online for not knowing the name of an almost 80 year old drummer, you probably, most definitely, have poop in your pants. WAKE UP!

3. Robin Sparkles is Back.

 

In another week of so much instagram live content, I can’t possibly keep up–Jake Johnson and Cobie Smulders got together for a friend hang on Vulture’s instagram. It was pretty long and they didn’t really know what to talk about but this little gem shined through. The people wanted a little taste of “Let’s Go to the Mall” and after some cheering from Jake, Cobie delivered a lick. I can always appreciate a throwback to Robin Sparkles because it was Robin’s only funny storyline in the entire series of How I Met Your Mother and rhyming Tori with Sorry is a fun way to laugh at our Canadian friends without directly telling them they talk funny. Please enjoy the song in full below, in addition to Robin’s more diverse, heartbreak ballad. As well as her quick foray into punk with Robin Daggers.

4. HOPEFULLY A REAL REUNION!

Hey cast of Friends, THIS is a reunion. It’s a new episode of Parks and Rec coming at us next Thursday and I’m REAAAALLLLYYYYYY holding out hope that this is a reunion that can be done right. I want all of the stupid Tom Haverford abbrevs, I want TREAT YO’SELFFFFFFF, I want Leslie showering Ann with borderline lesbian compliments, and most of all… I NEEEEEEED the return of Jean-Ralphio, one of the best characters to ever have been written and the sole reason that I can’t say anything is the worst without singing it in three parts.

5. Things That Gave Me the Uncomfies.

With people being confined to their homes, these JUices are getting harder and harder to make each week and there’s only so many dance videos I can produce with my madd skillz to be able to fill up the five headline slots. Instead, here’s a few things that caught my attention this week but not enough to have their own headline. Here’s numero uno:

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WHY. Why is that a thing we need to know?! Kate & Goldie were chosen for the cover of People’s Beautiful Issue. That’s great. I love them both, I want to be a part of their family because they seem fun and chill as hell–also they’re loaded and Hollywood royalty, but that’s neither here nor there. I listen to Kate and Oliver’s podcast and think they’re funny and I’m happy to read any articles about this fam but I DO NOT NEED TO HEAR THAT KATE TALKS TO HER MOM ABOUT HER SEX LIFE. Nope, no thank you. That is not something to envy. I’m cool beans about not having sex chitchats with my mom. Next up…our latest celeb to join TikTok:

This didn’t really make me uncomfy, more like supes jelly. Jenna Dewan had a baby no more than five minutes ago, cut the umbilical cord, popped on a cropped sweatsuit and danced professionally directly in our faces. It’s just not fair. She has a flatter stomach than me after just housing a child and was just like ho hum I guess I’ll hop on this app and show everyone how it’s done, effortlessly. It’s not like the average TikTok user is an out of shape, non-pro dancer who spends hours learning a simple 12 second routine or ANYTHING. EYE.ROLL. Petition to ban the pros from tokking starts now. Signatures welcome.

And finally, here’s some fun new country songs to play us into the weekend in the hopes that it will stop F**KING SNOWING and the sun will hear these nonsense feel-good songs about drinking outside and come out and plaaayyyyyyyyyyy. If not just hit play inside and drink a marg while you watch the snow fall. We all have coping mechanisms. Do what you need to do, yo.

 

BONUS:The cast of Friday Night Lights waited until after I posted this week’s JUice to release their hangout for Global Citizen. Some of the cast (notably missing: Tami Tay, Coach & Riggs) got together to watch the pilot for the first time in fifteen years. I’ll spare you the hour-long livestream of a group of people who clearly aren’t close friends and v. awkward zoom conference call interactions and just give you this little visual treat :

Buddy Garrity, WOOOOOOOOOOOOF. Texas forever, tho.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/13/2020

1. Another Wronged 90’s Comeback.

The much hyped SBTB reboot with the return of Slater, Jessie, Zack & Kelly as parents of Bayside’s high school students has decided to drop a morsel in our quarantined state and honestly I wish they would take it back. I’m cooped up inside because the sky can’t stop dumping snow and icy winds down upon us and now I’ve gotta watch a VERY old looking Mama remind us that the good ole days of Bayside High were 30 years ago?! Uh uh, honey. I watched this teaser twice and that was two times too many. Tale as old as time, shows that were classic and hilarious in the 90’s want to strike again with a the kids are now parents comeback and it ALWAYS blooooooows. It’s campy and cheesy and the writing is tacky and they play into the same jokes and the nostalgia is 1000% NOT there. It ruins everything. Looking at you, Fuller House and Girl Meets World. Enough is enough. I don’t want to see Zack as a dad after I got to know him as a troublemaker man-whore who once dated a girl in a wheelchair and reminded her she was disabled every 30 seconds. I don’t want to learn that Slater is still ho’ing out in his middle age and reliving the past by being a high school gym teacher who relates everything back to his own high school years. 90’s reunions can be done in a late night bit where the jokes can be inapprops and the actors are making fun of themselves and THAT’S IT. The Salty Ju has dropped the ruling. We are done with 90’s sitcom reboots.

2. Brit & JT 4eva.

If you ever want to step outside of reality, I highly recommend taking a stroll through Britney Spears insta. Girl makes some of the weirdest videos on a daily basis. Trying on clothes and doing a fashion show or “dancing” like the one above. Also, she’s serving a WHOLE lotta choker. As someone who went through this trend hard 3 years ago, I think we can all agree it’s over. Either way, this week Brit made some waves when she danced to Filthy and casj called JT a genius. “We had one of the world’s biggest breakups 20 years ago” Ho Hum. Understatement of the century. How about “we crushed matching denim separates and then I cheated on him and he wrote a bangpiece song as a result.” I’d give her more credit if she was dancing to Cry Me a River because THAT was genius. Right down to the Britney look-alike in the video. Obviously, there was no response from JT, probs because he’s still on probation with Jess.

3. The Internet is Bored.

The internet tried to call the cops on Bubbles for “abusing” his wife in the above video clip. Because yes, people who beat their wives do it on Instagram live to millions of followers. If you’ve never caught an elbow from your man are you even in a relationship? Like let’s all relax and devote our hate to cancelling the Saved by the Bell reboot instead of biting the hand that feeds you. These two have been doing a live instagram every single day to entertain their fans and the fans responded by whistleblowing some playful ‘bows. Lupey responded but it was all in Spanish so I’ll save you the google translation and let you know that she told everyone to shut the hell up and MYOB. She loves her hubs and she’s not just saying that because he got grabby with her. ALL IS WELL.

4. No More Dating Shows.

I think we can all agree that what we aren’t lacking in TV is reality dating shows. There’s 9 trillion ways to marry people off in a three week period and we certainly don’t need one more. But don’t worry, Fox read the room and decided that yes we most certainly need another.  BUT THIS ISN’T JUST ANOTHER BACHELOR. Nope absolutely not. This is The Bachelorette for olds. Anyone whose watched one second of the Bachelor franchise knows that the girls keep getting younger and younger each season, hoping to find love or even better–more instagram followers. Fox said cut the shit and decided to dig Charlotte from Sex and the City up to help a 41 year old singleton find someone to put a baby in her before the cobwebs take over her nethers and it’s no longer possible to force a human head out. Also important to note that The newest Bachelorette is also pushing 40 so clearly the execs at ABC caught wind of this new show and wanted to prove that they’re not ageist. K. If America telling women that if they’re not married and with child by 35, they’re not doing life right–putting 40 somethings in an embarrassing reality dating competition IS SO MUCH WORSE. Please make it stop. If it sounds like I’m hating everything this week, please know that I am and that I tried really hard to find worthy things to talk about and honestly there was NOT A LOT. SO deal with it.

5. Fre$h Beatz.

We may have another month of staying indoors but that hasn’t stopped singers from dropping new heaters for us to listen to and probably never see performed live again. This week brings a Demi/Sam collab with some gay olympics, Kelly Clarkson reminding us all to stop being dirt humans when everything is falling apart, and blue-eyed babe soda Brett coming back after a VERY DRY 3 years of no music with a little piano tune about some lucky bitch named Gabrielle. Have a peaceful weekend.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/6/2020

1. JT World Tour. 

Just because shit isn’t taping at a studio, doesn’t mean we are spared press tours. JT is the latest to be making the rounds hawking Trolls World Tour–which is one of the first movies to go right to streaming rental, bypassing the movie theaters. (Whole other argument, but we shouldn’t be forced to pay $20 to watch a movie at home. Reserve that bend over pricing for seats that somewhat recline, a 50 ft movie screen and movie theater popcorn that is so buttery your hands are legit greased over. If that’s not the environment I’m viewing the movie in, I will pay no more than 0 dollars. Tysm.) ANYWAY, JT is all over the damn place this week. Kickin it with J.Fall for bro hour on the Tonight Show, dropping new music videos, doing radio interviews and he even made an appearance on Hot Wings, the YouTube show where celebrities eat spicy wings and try not to immediately have explosive hot diarrhea tear out of their butthole while they answer questions about their life. I would embed that video here but it was 30 minutes of JT saying the wings were hot and he was going to need a toilet later. So really, I’m sparing y’all. As a very public JT fangirl, I can be completely honest with you and say that quarantine press does not agree with him. I got excited to see his bits with Jimmy because they always make me giggle and want to be a part of their BFF inside jokes but this Quarantine remix and the interview that followed were not up to par for my entertainment. The hardest I laughed in the interview was when Jimmy did finger guns because JT razzes him real hard on that but otherwise I was really rooting for them to be funnier or just do another History of Rap or something. I guess their bits only work in person.

So I was already feeling let down by that, then I’m cruising through People.com, business as usual and I stumble upon this headline:

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And I got ALL SORTS OF FIRED UP. There is not a CHANCE that these two attention whores are also full-on parents without hired help. Kids need the MOST attention in the world and Silas has an actress mom and a singer/actor/comedian dad. NO WAY ARE THESE TWO 24-HOUR PARENTING. They have AT LEAST two nannies and I will not hear anything otherwise. They’re quarantined in one of their homes in Montana, so they’re out in the middle of nowhere and if there’s one thing that I know for SURE about celebrities, when they vacation or isolate themselves, they bring the whole G-D paid staff with them. Chefs, maids, nannies, what have you. Do not for a second bitch about how hard parenting is when you’re rich AF and probably just kick it with your son when your schedule allows. I’m just now realizing that I might still harbor some bitter resentments about JT publicly cheating on Jess in December and it’s all coming out now that he’s doing media again. I apologize for not working through these issues sooner, but JT you’re in timeout for a little while. Drop a new heater (not Trolls-related) and we’ll talk about getting back in my good graces. This also seems like an ideal time to remind everyone that when he cheated, my ex-boyf’s mom texted me to gossip about it and she told me I’m prettier than Jessica Biel and I will sing that from the rooftops until they put me in the ground. Never forget.

2. I Need Jessica Simpson Confidence.

Jessica Simpson posted this compare/contrast for giggles and my immediate thought was that it takes the most confident woman in the world to post a Rolling Stone Cover from her early 20’s where her body is in peak condish, she’s tanned, toned and professionally made up next to THAT. Sometimes I take ugly selfies on snapchat where I clearly don’t have makeup on and my hair is greasy or there’s a zit on my face and send it discreetly to my mom or my sister for a little “lol I’ll die alone because I’m hideous” but Jessica Simpson was like IDGAF and put one of those pics out to her 5.3 million followers next to the magazine cover that basically caused her divorce. Jk, it wasn’t the magazine cover SPECIFICALLY, it was mostly that Nick is a far less talented loser living in her shadow and being v. jelly about it for their entire marriage. I can say these things because I read Open Book and rewatched the entire series of Newlyweds, so basically not only are Jess and I best friends, but I know everything there is to know about her life. Highly recommend reading her book if you enjoy shooting celebrity gossip straight into your veins like I do. You have to get through a LOT of Jesus talk to get there, but trust me, it’s worth it. It also allowed me to watch Newlyweds with a whole new filter and realize that it’s finally time to stop shipping a Nick and Jess reunion and calling them the perfect couple because they really did not like each other and Nick was a reeealll douche. He’s the host of Love is Blind now, so obviously all is well with him. No hard feelzies. (But Team Jess for Lyfe.)

3. Full House Forever.

The show that will never go quietly into the night (don’t even get me started on Fuller House and what a horrifically campy show that comeback turned out to be) decided to lean into TikTok and create their own updated opening credits. The show may never die, but Aunt Becky SURELY did because they kicked her RIGHT out of the family. Don’t care if you’re not in jail yet, Lori, the cast can’t have you dragging down their TikTok views with bad pub. Interesting spin that Becky’s out, but Jeff Franklin is in when he caught a little bit of #MeToo flack recently for inapprops behavior. SEXISM. Either way, 10/10 for Mr. T’s bit. This is really his time to shine.

4. 9021-No.

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Watch this video. Nuff said. @torispelling

A post shared by Dean McDermott (@imdeanmcdermott) on

Yaknow I love 90210 and I love razzin on your girl Tori Spelling who will publicly do ANYTHING to make money, but she’s getting a little blowback for that right now and I couldn’t stop myself from soaking it in. Her husb and known sex addict Dean is a little rough and tumble and definitely doesn’t do much to bring home the bacon, but he does love to spout off on social media to defend his wife and kids. This time T is getting shit on not for feeding her kids too much, but for charging fans $95 for a virtual meet and greet. Look, I get both sides here. As someone who is extremely unemployed, I want to punch everyone whose preaching to make donations and support local businesses and spend all this money right now that I most certainly don’t have. Yet, I’ve also gotten very comfy with my favorite singers putting out free weekly concerts on instagram and all of the paid subscriptions releasing shows and movies that I was too poor to watch before and stores begging me to buy their clothes with 70% off sales every day. I’m not quite sure how to exist in a world where I fork over $95 to Zoom with Tori Spelling and take a screenshot of us not physically together. HOWEVER, Tori Spelling is out here just hustlin’ and I gotta respect that. She’s hearing about Bachelor contestants–NOT WINNERS–*CONTESTANTS* charging people on Cameo to send them video messages and she’s like I’m DONNA F*ING MARTIN. I’m not gonna let these reality stars show me up! I’m worth more than a $10 cameo. I’m Aaron Spelling’s daughter! And for that, I also agree. Also, she has to support her loser hubz and his repeated sex addiction rehab, I’m guessing. So everyone CTFD and let the idiot 90210 superfans fork over a hundo to videochat with Donna Martin. I’ll even consider it if she throws in a David Silver appearance. Just kidding, I won’t. I added a pair of overalls to my cart yesterday then saw that an additional discount didn’t apply and concluded that $30 was still too much to pay. So, $95 for a conference call is downright outrageous.

5. Quaran-Tunes

Lotsa time to drop some new beats. Jesse McCartney showing us why he’s still the swoonster heartthrob (vocals only, that outfit he’s wearing is all sorts of atrocious.) John Mayer has been flexing all over lately, doing a Zoom with SUNY Oneonta, making up new songs on his Insta show and now teaming up with Leon for a smooooove Quarantine original. Selena wanted everyone to know that the timing is unfortunate for her release of this song (marketing rules the world, tho) as the last thing on her mind during this pandemic is finding a boyfriend…and yet….here we are. Turns out she’ll settle for some frogs instead. And last but certainly not least–my favorite of the bunch, an ULTIMATE mashup of LUDAAAAA, Lil Jon & Ursher baybay, reminding us that they like to penetrate mad ladiezz. HOARD. God I needed Ludacris back in my life and what a treat this disgusting song is to my ears. Give me a few listens and I’ll have Luda’s part down pat. Will report back.

BONUS: THIS DANCER IS GONNA DANCE.

I will continue to broadcast my budding dance career because if anything good can come from this pandemic, it better be some rhythm for ya gurl. I have forever wanted to be a dancer and yet being able to move to a beat and remember choreography are key components that I’m sorely lacking. Now that I have all the time in the world and a newfound obsession with TikTok, I’m determined to make this my time to shine. I failed at Darryn’s Dance Grooves, I used my Dancing with the Stars DVD that I got for my 18th birthday exactly one time and thought it would be appropriate to wear heels and a flowy skirt for what I now know was just a workout video and I didn’t make the Radio Disney Dance Team because during tryouts I fudged up the choreo and had dead face. But all of that will not be in vain. I will hit a beat and make ONE TikTok dance video that slaps harder than the youths. After practicing this one for two hours, getting the yips on the last 10 takes and still noticing we were off-beat from the very first dab…this will not be that video. BUT I WILL KEEP TRYING. STAY TUNED. I AM GOING TO BE A DANCER.

Inspiration:

 

Reality:

PS Shoutout to my main squeeze, my Leopard Saved By The Bell Twinnie who was over this about 20 minutes into it (although may it be known she was the one who suggested it) because there’s no one else I’d rather have as my dance partner. Also, it really helps that you’re equally as bad at dancing so we really balance each other out. Looking forward to smashing through a few more foreign dance crew Step Up knock-offs on Netflix and learning some new mooves!

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of March 30th, 2020

I haven’t blogged in a minute because the world is ending and nothing seems funny anymore but then when I really thought about it, I figured there’s some people out there who would much rather read about celebrities or listen to a new song or watch a funny video than consume news all day long, which creates more anxiety. So here we are. Turn off the news or take a step away from Twitter and constant scary headlines for a second to consume some nonsense and hopefully have a giggle. I’m going to try to be positive this week. See? I bet THAT made you laugh!

1. Stabler Returns.

It has been announced that Chris Meloni will reprise his role as Elliot Stabler on a new SVU spinoff because Dick Wolf never sleeps, unless he’s nestled snug as a bug in a bed full of money. DUN DUN. Seriously though, I’m not sure if it’s the quarantine or if people are just finally beginning to recognize what a DILF Stabler is but Chris Meloni is having himself a moment. (BTW I know that actors play parts but I refuse to believe Chris Meloni was playing anyone other than himself in Elliot Stabler.) I distinctly remember sitting down for day-long marathons on SVU with my sister and an unhealthy amount of snacks just to drink in the good cop, bad cop routine between Liv and Stabler. Stabler with his badass Irish anger would come in HOT and be like YOU WOULD SAY THAT YOU RAPIST WHO RAPES PEOPLE and pound the table with those bulging ‘ceps, then Liv would saunter into the interrogation room, gently hold Stabler back and in her soft, understanding voice be like what made you do this? Who hurt you? And boom. Confession. Liv and Stabler were the perfect duo and the day they wrote Stabes off the show was a sad one indeed. They’ve reunited here and there and posted nostalgic selfies to give the people what they want, but realistically what we really wanted was for those two to bang because the chemistry was through the roof. But whatever, I got sidetracked into basically writing SVU cosplay and the real topic here is that Stabler is making a comeback, we’ll keep our fingers crossed for a Liv-Stabes reunion (which I’m sure will be in season 1. Dick Wolf loves to cross-pollinate his spinoffs, look no further than the several weeks each year he spends putting his 900 Chicago shows together in one monumental TV event.)

Also, to FULLY prepare yourself for his return to primetime, feast your eyes on this tasty treat:

2. So Does Lindsay Lohan.

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Im back! 👀

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If read the room were ever fully personified, it would be Lindsay Lohan choosing right NOW to announce her comeback and drop a new single that no one, I repeat not one single soul was looking for. And yet someone who thinks they are this important when literally no one has given them a second thought in many years is precisely what we needed. A good laugh at someone else’s expense is the best medicine, is what I always say. This B literally cleared her social media and released the above video at the beginning of the week as if she’s the second coming and the world has been WAITING with baited breathe for this. And thank GOD we didn’t have to wait too long or I would’ve probably chopped my own arms off in anticipation because today she dropped a new single and boy oh boy is it high quality music. Forget about the Lindsay that was a hot mess and moved to Dubai for a minute. Forget about her quick foray into club management in the Greek islands for reality TV. This is the real Lindsay, folks and I don’t know what we ever did to deserve it. In the words of LL in her hawt club tune, “shit got crazy.” But why am I still babbling? Just give yourself a listen to the HEAVILY auto-tuned (probably someone else’s voice in parts) tell you that Lindsay is coming back to herself and all will be ok.

And just like Tiger King dominated the world because we were all forced to watch white trash exotic animal owners fight with each other, this song will dominate as well. We’re all stuck inside and bored as hell and suddenly it’s like wow this song slaps and then it’s on repeat and guess what guys, we’re all Lindsay Lohan fans now. That’s just the way the cookie crumbles. THANKS, QUARANTINE. No gas though, this song (below) actually does slap and anyone who says otherwise can see themselves out from this blog. I will forever be grateful for the movie Freaky Friday giving me punk rockstar dreams and a desire to learn how to play guitar. (Obviously I took one lesson, complained my fingies hurt and never attempted again.)

3. Classic Adam Sandler.

Adam Sandler built an entire career upon dumb movies and talk-singing stupid songs and after trying to prove he’s a serious actor in Uncut Gems, this is just what we needed. It’s also very satisfying to see that even someone as rich as Adam Sandler still falls prey to a wife who loves a little Homegoods decor. I’m guessing Mrs. Sandler found the stunning piece of art in the background in 2015 when “You Are My Sunshine” was HOT in the streets of every home decor store on this planet. I’m also guessing I was v. close to a lifetime Teej ban for staging the below photo and calling their shit on Twitter. But that’s neither here nor there. The point is…celebs, they’re just like us!

4. Quarantine Sessions.

Obviously with the endless amount of time at home and people getting stir crazy, there has been an increase in content and people trying their hardest to entertain or generate some laughs and I just wanted to take this moment to give a special shout out to Cal, formerly of the band Timeflies. I’ve blogged about Timeflies before and Cal because not only is he a total babe soda, but he has the ability to freestyle and create songs on the spot. When he used to tour with Timeflies, his gimmick was that he would ask for a hat and a bunch of ripped up pieces of paper with terms about the school or the city he was performing for and then he would pull one out at a time and create a freestyle on the spot. Well he used this creative skill to start doing a new cover a day based on the world’s situation right now and the best part about it is that he thought it would be like a week or two in quarantine and he’d be done. But here we are now with no end in sight and he’s committed to just fully producing and recording a new song and video every day. So shoutout to Cal for creating quality topical beats each and every day with Quarantine Sessions. Don’t eva change. Below is a highlight reel, click HERE for his insta to see them all.

5. Handstand Challenge

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Anyone on social media has seen the millions of challenges that are cycling around as if it’s 1998 and we just re-discovered chain emails. From post a happy selfie to post a travel pic to post a puppy pic to the insufferable pushup or exercise challenges (barf all over me, if you ever tag me in a pushup challenge I’ll never speak to you again.) The world is challenge-happy right now and I’ll be honest this is a new one that I’ve discovered while looking for the last useless thing to distract you today. And WE HAVE FOUND IT. The handstand challenge where you put a shirt on while you’re using your core body muscles to balance upside down. And guess who can do it? ONLY ripped actors with personal trainers and superhero bods. I bet Chris Meloni can do it with that gleaming six pack of his. Seriously, Chris. DO IT. In the meantime we’ll pant over Jake Gyllenhaal, who I feel like I haven’t really thought of since the last time I listened to All Too Well and yet here he is with a little pony tail and a whole lotta body, making dressing while upside down look like a breeze.

Meanwhile, I’m out here spending 30 minutes huffing and puffing on the elliptical every day in my parents basement, dragging my ass up the stairs and then performing whatever song is playing through my headphones to the roomies to get them to laugh and pay attention to me. Same thing, really. (If you didn’t think I was going to work overtime to pivot all of this back to me, then you obviously don’t know me at all.) Handstand, shmandstand, I’d like to see you out of breathe scream-lip sync a song WHILE throwing your limbs around in a form of interpretive dance that should only be known as GANGLEROD. (Spoiler alert: neither song was guessed despite my commitment to the performance) Can only go up from here, now taking requests because I am determined to get one W.

 And for even FURTHER entertainment, feast your peepers on the day my family drank a bunch of homemade espresso martinis and decided to become TikTok’ers. First with our 90’s Beanie Baby knowledge, and then with our very first TikTok group dance. Because if you can’t laugh at yourself, you probably have a giant dump in your pants.

Inspiration:

Reality:

Stay safe, y’all!

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