JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of  4/29/2019

1. Third Time’s A Surprise. 

Oh ho hum, Blake apparently hasn’t been photographed lately because here she is at Ry Ry’s premiere FULLY pregnant. I don’t understand how celebrities can do this, especially a giant one like Blake Lively married to another giant celebrity. You have paparazzi living inside of your butthole and you hid a pregnancy for several months?! If Jennifer Aniston eats a bowl of soup they zoom in on her stomach and say she’s expecting. Was Blake a shut-in? I must know every single detail. Also let’s not gloss over how amahzing she looks for the casual announcement. Rockin the big hair curls and they’re not even frizzy like mine are every. single. day. Spring has sprung and another beautiful child is on the way. SORPRESA!

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2. Elvis Marries A Jonas.

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I guess it’s just the week of surprises because Sophie Turner and Joe Jonas got SURPRISE married after the BBMA’s on Wednesday and as much as I razz on the JoBros, I dig this move. It’s so cool it hurts. Oh hey, we just performed at an awards show and our ladies got mad camera time, let’s all just roll over to the Elvis chapel down the strip with a select group of kewl kids and get married. Diplo instagram live’d the whole ceremony, they exchanged ring pops, Dan + Shay sang an acoustic version of Speechless as Sophie walked down the aisle. I mean come on. The only thing that would’ve made it cooler was if Taylor Swift was there but for obvious reasons (Joe dumped Taylor via text in like 2008) it was best that she wasn’t in attendance. Since Sophie’s cultivated such a cool girl persona I’m surprised she didn’t take a knee and chug wine at the end of the aisle but I guess they wanted to keep it classy. I would go on a tangent about how hilarious it is that Nick and Priyanka had a 10 year long castle wedding that was beyond extravagant and these two bozos just casually got married by Elvis and had their pics taken with a pink car in the chapel BUT turns out they only got married so that they can proceed with their originally planned France wedding. If you’re not a citizen of France turns out you can’t get legally married there so that’s why they got that part out of the way here, so they can now proceed to be rich and lavish and probably throw a huge France castle wedding after all. Either way, if I had to pick a favorite Jonas couple to ship, it would be these two. I can get down with anyone whose like F it let’s just do something fun. Also because I’m jelly and wish I were in the cool kids group.

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3. Casual Post-Awards Show Surgery.

While Joe and Sophie were getting hitched on Insta Live, Kelly Clarkson was having her appendix removed. Turns out girl had appendicitis all week and still hosted an entire awards show and performed twice. Just her medley at the beginning alone where she was bopping through the crowd and up on stage, HOW DOES ONE DO THAT?! If I may compare this to a personal story of mine, one time in first grade I fell ice skating and fractured my wrist and then didn’t say anything about it, played with my friend as usual and when my mom picked me up that night I sobbed. Ended up in a pink cast (that I 100% saved. I’m disgusting, come at me) and just those 3 or 4 hours of pain were traumatizing. Now imagine singing, dancing and performing for thousands of people all while your insides are bursting. AND NOT EVEN ONCE COMPLAINING ABOUT IT?! God, Kelly Clarkson is a true American hero.

4a. New Tune.

Shout out to my sister for alerting me to this little diddy. As always with Shawn, it’s the perfect pop tune and y’all should feast your ears on it. Full disclosure I didn’t watch the video because I was already late to work today and I felt that it would be frowned upon to then immediately sit down and stare at Shawn Mendes for 3 minutes and 11 seconds but I feel like it’s probably great as well. Mostly because I’m just an all around music video stan. And black and white makes everything classier/more dramats.

4b. Old Tune, New Obsession.

I’ve really embraced Lizzo this week. Mostly because I kept hearing people say they were 100% THAT bitch and I wanted to head straight to the source and see what THAT bitch was all about. It turns out she’s about shaking her LARGE body all over the joint and declaring that she don’t need no man to be happy, booboooooo. AND I AM HERE FOR IT. I LOVE IT. I love the fact that she’s sassy as all hell and just puts out feel good bops. I listened to her Youtube playlist for a day at work and I was ready to kick my chair over, do a quick dance number where I OBVIOUSLY drop it low and snap my fingers before stomping outta here.

I mean damn. I want her confidence. ALL of it. It’s like when Fat Amy rubs her butt confidence all over Becca in Pitch Perfect 2. I’m hoping that the more I twerk to some Lizzo, the more butt confidence will rub off on me. BRING IT, GURL.

(Full disclosure I came home that night and played 2 videos for the boyf and tried to copy all her dance moves and sing along, it was a performance that should’ve been filmed for entertainment value but unfortunately wasn’t and you’ll just have to use your imagination. He was less than enthused. Apparently Lizzo might just be for the ladiezzzzz. #GRLPOWER)

5. Nudies for the Weekend. 

Gentlemen, goodnight. Ladies, good morning. Here’s a v. chiseled nude of Channing Tatum that no guy will ever appreciate, and every lady will. Apparently he “lost a bet” and his girlfriend’s v. personal pic of him all wet and naked just “had to be posted.” Ya ok, Chan. Whatever helps you sleep at night. All I can say is thank you for sharing this with the world.

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JUice, Music

Weekly JUice – ME! Edition

Week of 4/22/19

There’s never been a time when Taylor Swift hasn’t released new music and/or video that I haven’t immediately blogged about it, so here we are. Happy Tay DAY….again! Can we just start by bowing down to her marketing genius? Because anyone who drops clues for a release date like a year in advance and then commissions an artist to paint a freakin’ wall in Nashville with even more clues and then just rolls up and people are already waiting there for her?! MASTERMIND. That’s like some if you build it, they will come shit. How the hell did anyone see butterfly wings on a wall in Nashville and think, if I wait here Taylor Swift will show up? The same weirdos who wrote countless in depth theories about the hidden message in every Instagram post for the past year.

Since I’m much lazier, but just as thirsty as her super stans, I blindly tuned into ABC last night at 8, not realizing it was the NFL Draft. What fresh hell is that, Taylor? I’m not spending 3 1/2 hours watching football garbage just for you to drop a morsel every few commercial breaks. I finally turned it off after she bounced that pink dipped ponytail onstage and was like TEASER LOLOLOL. Ain’t nobody got time for that. I’ve got a hard out at 10pm every single night, so I resigned to just wait until the morning. I did manage to learn before bed that her special guest on the song was Panic! At the Disco’s lead singer and I was nervous as hell because I’ve never loved his voice and have mostly associated it with closing the G-D door. Now here we are, 6:15 AM watching this masterpiece before getting ready for the day and BOY DO I FEEL JAZZED TO TAKE ON FRIDAY.

Let’s get this out of the way real quick–could’ve done all the way without a random dramatic french scene at the beginning. And the spelling breakdown in the middle. But that’s just Taylor and of course she has to throw her talking and dramatics in every song and I’ve just come to accept it rather than fight it. Other than that, I was captivated by this video from start to finish. I felt like I was high on pastels and unicorns and I was perfectly content with it. For a fleeting moment I considered also getting pink hair. But the moment has passed. Mostly because I have brown hair and pink and brown is gross. I’d end up looking like Ann Perkins when she went through her sad breakup phase in Parks and Rec.

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Woof. But I digress. Here are my favorite looks from the video:

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HELLO TAYLOR’S BOOBS! Seriously she really started off with a bang in this number, poppin that cleavage like nobody’s biz.

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Once again skating over the fact that all she needs to make her happy is a cat (replace it with a puppy), this dress and her mermaid waves are a real dreamscape. Also loved the quick lyrical shout out to “Mine”. One of my favorite TSwizzle songs and videos mostly because she pretends to be a mom to 2 kids in it and looks like she’s 16. Gr8 mems.

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I mean who doesn’t love a his and hers mint marching band getup?! Also it would be wrong of me not to point out how phenomenal her legs look in this.

 

 

HONORABLE MENTION SCENES:

1. BUTTERFLIES. The snake turning into butterflies. I mean what is Taylor if she doesn’t have her metaphors and symbolism. The fact that she marks every album with a symbol and then brings it into the next era, again, marketing genius. Glad the snake is gone, honestly could’ve gotten down with something other than butterflies as they give me HARD flashbacks to when they were the logo for Aeropastale and printed on every piece of their clothing. But whatevs.

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2. HEART ON. The scene where Brandon opens a door to his heart and we dive right in?! WHOA. Literally I have no other words. That was cool as hell.

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3. PAINT STORM. I pretty much watched the last scene with my mouth open and drool coming out (normal for me anyway since I have a drooling problem) because I was so fascinated by all of the colors and a liquid dress. What a lovely finale for a pastel explosion of a video. Never thought I’d be on board with a Lisa Frank inspired aesthetic at 27 but here we are and there’s no turning back.

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Also the song bangs. It’s catchy AF, Brandon was the perfect duet partner for it–although sucks for him because Tay is definitely taking all the glory here and “from Panic At the Disco” follows his name everywhere–but either way, I’ll be bumping this all weekend thinking of unicorns hearts and rainbows.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/15/19

1. Let’s Rap About Earth Day.

I guess it’s Earth Day soon. How did I know? A cartoon Lil Dicky informed me while still making an effort to relate it directly back to his dick and balls. What a guy. No, seriously what just happened with this. I watched the whole thing in shock. How does he come up with this shit and how is he allowed to say it’s his song when he was in it for about 30 seconds. The cameos, however, are genius. The best part about this claymation freakfest was trying to guess what famous person was which animal the minute they opened their mouth. I nailed it with Ariana, Halsey, Ed & Snoop. BTW, Ed as a snuggly koala bear? Yes, please. What a perfect casting. Also I legitimately was like I wonder how much they had to pay Leonardo Dicaprio just to use his name and create a character that looks like him then when I saw it was ACTUALLY him?! Whoa baby. Leo used to be so cool that when JLo texted him during her carpool karaoke he made booboo a thing again. Now he’s in this? Must be really desp for his environmental cause. Save the earth, bruhs. Why? Because a rapper told you to.

2. Taylor Goes Pastel.

Remember when I got all hot and bothered for new Taylor music and fed into her crazy ass superfan theories and ended up with EGG ON MY FACE AND AN I ❤ TS SHIRT ON FOR NO REASON?! If you missed that, read my salivation here and peep my merch below:

Well now it’s the real deal. She’s given us thirsty bitches a date and it is 4.26. She’s also given us a theme and my immediate reaction was no thanks. If we’re going to be waiting with baited breath for new jams after your BADAZZ EMO F THE WORLD comeback with Reputation complete with Snakes, we deserve more than tacky pastel colored heart shaped jewels. Then she posted the picture of the mint bike and it was GAME ON. EVERYONE knows I’m basically a European with the amount of biking that I do. If she’s going to deliver me a new tune to cruise around town to once I dust the ole wheels off for spring then SIGN ME UP. Stay tuned for full review when her single makes the debut.

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3. N*SYNC Does Coachella.

It’s that time of year again where LA people pretend they’re into being outdoors and listening to live music but really what they’re into is wearing hippie chic outfits and posting on Instagram. The biggest news to come out of this past weekend’s performances other than Beyonce just dropping a full recording of hers was America’s Sweetheart Ariana Grande pulling off an N*SYNC reunion. Although, can we really call it that without JT?

Props to Ari for continuing to dominate the world and learning the choreography to Tearin Up My Heart. Even though my main squeeze wasn’t there, I can still appreciate a good 90’s reunion. But also…

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You guys killed it last night 🙌

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Is Chris gonna make it? T’s and P’s.

4. Barf All Over Me.

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Pssst, 🧔🌲🌲🌲❤️: @justintimberlake

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I try not to draw attention to the fact that Jess and Justin are like the ultimate cool guy couple because it turns me into a jelly belly. But like come on with this. We get it, you guys love each other and are v supportive. No need to cry via a public video when he’s basically sitting right next to you. Turn to him and say you’re proud of him. UGH BARFMANIA ya big attention whorebag.

5. PSA FOR MK&A STANS

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I find it to be extremely unwell of us that every time these two crypt keepers attend an event and allow photos, we post 10 headlines about it. THE VAMPIRES ARE OUT OF THEIR CAVES! And no matter what year/season/occasion it is, they’re always wearing long black cloaks and terrified looks on their faces. WELCOME TO SUNLIGHT, GIRLS! But that wasn’t the point of this announcement although it did give me a nice morning laugh and some nightmare fuel. The PSA is that Hulu is finally getting on the damn MK&A nostalgia train and giving us some of their OG movies. Coming soon: Billboard Dad, Switching Goals and Passport to Paris. THANK GAWD. IT’S AN EASTER MIRACLE! If you need to brush up on which hotties to peep in their pre-teen movies, feel free to roll on over to my very well-researched and not at all creepy blog ranking their movie boyfs right HERE. HAPPY WATCHING!

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 2/25/19

1. JoBros Are Back.

No more purity rings for these bros, they’re all spoken for and they do sex now. And what a way to show us all that they do! I mean that scene with Sophie licking her lips at Joe suspended naked from the ceiling? Hot damn! And they’re the only couple that isn’t married! Spicy. I get that they were trying to go for a Taylor Swift in a bath tub full of diamonds or standing on a horse in her yard levels of asshole richness for this video, but I gotta be honest, this doesn’t really seem that far-fetched. I mean they literally just spent a month in India throwing the most lavish wedding celebration ever. I bet they filmed this there too. At like Pri’s family house or something. Also important to note: this video was an open invitation to the gun show, hosted by none other than Nick. Rich or not, Nick would like everyone to know he’s having a steamy affair with lifting weights with the amount he’s been going sleeveless lately. I’m surprised he didn’t pop the top errr fancy patterned trench coat for this formal painted portrait at the end. Cement those swole ‘ceps into history. Anyway, now that I feel like I’ve adequately ripped this vid to shreds, let’s talk about how I don’t hate the song at all and I’ll be turning up to it this weekend. When I have an extra glass of wine before popping in the ole Redbox. THE JONAS BROTHERS ARE IN TOOWNNNNNN. It’s LIT.

2. 90210, Also Back?

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I’d like to say that I got the tip off on this news as my sister sent me the official Fox press release. We’ve got connections. 90210 will be returning with the original cast for what I gathered is going to be a reality/meta experience. Brandon, Kelly, Steve, Donna, David & Andrea will return to a 6 episode event playing themselves basically. Apparently it’ll be inspired by their real lives and relationships and I’m just not sure I can do it. First of all, it’s been 19 years since the OG ended. Name one human who looks the same as they did 19 years ago. Age is a sneaky bitch and she hasn’t been kind to all of these cast members. Not going to name names but you know who you are. Secondly, they did a reboot of 90210 with a younger generation that included Kelly in it and Donna popped in for a few epis and I watched it for any breadcrumb of the old characters they might drop and I was NOT pleased to find out that Donna and David weren’t together anymore. What fresh hell is that? If you do a reboot you keep your core couples together and I won’t hear anything otherwise. Lastly, this may be redundant on my point about age but Luke Perry AKA Dylan just suffered a stroke IRL. Hope he’s ok (T’s and P’s) but also that means Kelly and Dylan will never be together and Luke probably won’t be popping onto the show for some guest appearances. Am I shipping TV couples from the 90’s a little too hard? Probably. Am I still going to watch this show? Obviously. See you this summer.

3. Lady Gaga Fooled Us.

Everyone had their panties in a knot after Gaga & Brad’s Oscars Shallow performance, myself included. They eye boned the shit out of each other then snuggled up at the end for what looked like it was going to be a full tongue kiss, but they decided to leave that for the paying customers. 99% of the tweets I was reading were about poor Irina, sitting front row for this cuck-fest, probably planning for joint custody of their child and mentally dividing their assets. Btw, if we’re taking a stance here, I’m firmly #TeamIrina. Don’t break up a family. Gagz. But alas, there’s no need to worry because Gaga went on Kimmel and was like LOL Fooled y’all! Have you uneducated losers ever heard of ACTING?! They were playing their characters and that seems PRETTY obvious. That wasn’t fresh off a broken engagement Gaga and currently taken with a baby Bradley, that was Ally and Jackson, who are very much in love, doing the duet of a lifetime. And us drooling over their looks and touches just gave them the highest compliment we could’ve. Best acting job of the year. Although, if they were playing their characters why wasn’t Bradley completely trashed? Also, spoiler alert–alive? Hmmmmmm…… Either way, still was the best thing about the Oscars and deserves to be watched over and over again.

 

4. Taylor is V. Active on Insta

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She just read all the theories 🙀

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Many rabid T.Swift fans are predicting a new music drop tomorrow based on what they believe to be sneaky clues via her Insta. Since Taylor has been calculated every single time she posts, this would not be remotely surprising if it were to be true. (Please say it’s true.) Her last three posts are associated with a countdown of sorts. The first one has palm trees signifying how many albums she’s had–separation for pop and country albums. In her video for Look What You Made Me Do, she’s in the background of all her video characters at the end in a palm tree shirt.

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🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴

A post shared by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on

Then she’s sitting on the 6th stair and then there’s five holes in the fence. Honestly the people who sniff this shit out should be full time detectives. Proud of them. I’m just like oh, Taylor’s posting ambiguous shit, wonder what she’s up to. They’re like measuring the circumference of the fence hole and relating it back to a lyric she wrote in 2009.

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💗

A post shared by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on

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💛

A post shared by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on

On the official Taylor Swift calendar, there’s a giant flower on March 2nd. She’s about to be on a magazine cover and she rarely does press unless she’s promoting something.

The list goes on and on. So if the new music happens tomorrow I can say I told you so, otherwise we’ll all just carry on with our lives and let the Swifties continue to dissect everything that she does and entertain me with their crazy theories. Also if this is true, that’s some genius marketing shit right there.

5. TR Play Us Out

I could do my last item about Jordyn Woods going on Jada Pinkett Smith’s FB live show today to say that the only thing she did wrong was go to Tristan Thompson’s house for a party, but he’s the one who no tongue kissed her goodbye. Or the fact that Khloe Kardashian IMMEDIATELY tweeted in response that she’s a dirty liar and is the reason her family is now shattered. OR I could just post Thomas Rhett’s new song and let it play you into the weekend because it’s a beat. Either one works.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 2/18/19

1. Jamal Lyon is a snitch bitch. (Press play while reading)

When this story first broke I honestly thought it was a plot point from the latest episode of Empire. As a once fan (and recapper) of the ridiculous show before it got to be a little TOO outrageous even for me, a racial/homophobic attack on Jussie easily could’ve been a story line for the Lyon fam. In fact, I think it was at one point. Which is probably where dum dum Jussie cooked up the idea. Except instead of locking it up with no way to pin him to this crime, like Lucious did when he killed Bunkie, he executed the sloppiest hack job of all time. Let’s quickly run through the deets and hard facts/evidence that they’ve collected so far. Jussie wrote himself hate mail and had it sent to the studio where they shoot Empire. No one really noticed or took action. So then he hired two extras (also black), paid them VIA CHECK $3,500 and then had them go to a local convenience store to buy the supplies for said attack, where they were clear as day caught on surveillance. (LOL to the fact that at the end of the checkout, one of the guys puts his hood up. Good job, bruh.) Then he called them a bunch of times before and after the alleged attack. After being “attacked” he refused to release his phone and/or phone records. But also went on GMA to sob about what happened and say there were a lot of misconceptions out there. The balls on this kid to book an interview the week after he’s attacked and put on that performance. He’s finally been arrested and charged with filing a false police report, yet he’s still arguing that he’s innocent. Police say he did this because he was unhappy with this salary. And this is the point where I fly off the handle. He makes roughly $65,000 per episode. PER EPISODE. YOU KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO WITH JUST ONE CHECK FOR $65,000? SO. MANY. THINGS. None of them include self-inflicted injuries, JUSSIE. UGH. Gawd. I’m done. Get him out of my face. JK I’m not done because as I was writing this Fox released the following statement:

“The events of the past few weeks have been incredibly emotional for all of us. Jussie has been an important member of our EMPIRE family for the past five years and we care about him deeply. While these allegations are very disturbing, we are placing our trust in the legal system as the process plays out. We are also aware of the effects of this process on the cast and crew members who work on our show and to avoid further disruption on set, we have decided to remove the role of ‘Jamal’ from the final two episodes of the season.”

byeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

2. Kris Jenner Back At It.

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You know that I typically like to avoid including the Kardtrashians in my blog but game respects game and when you see Kris puppetmaster Jenner/Kardashian(?) pull another scandal out of her bhole, you gotta just sit back and clap for that sneaky B. Keeping up with the Kardashians season 6 zillion premieres on March 31st. CONVENIENTLY, it comes out this week that Kylie’s BFF, roomie & makeup partner Jordyn went to bonetown with Khloe’s baby daddy Tristan Thompson, who has basically been cheating on her since they started dating. The story “leaks” and suddenly you’ve got every Kardashian and the BFFS that haven’t stepped out with their mans going in on social media. They all unfollow Jordyn, she gets kicked out of Kylie’s house, they’re putting up videos singing along to Find Your Own Man. It’s like the WWE smackdown of Kardashians vs. this 21 year old ho they made famous. (I’m allowed to make a WWE comparison because I watch Total Bellas.) Everyone is riveted by it and sitting back with a bowl of popcorn to watch the ratchet drama unfold. In the meantime, Kris writhes her body over stacks of hunnids in a room just filled with cash in her Calabasas mansion. Don’t you think for a second that Jordyn wasn’t offered a deal to be the kingpin of hoes in this storyline. Girls’ got her eyelash line and a fat wad of cash (Kris gives cash on shady deals, she doesn’t pull out the ole checkbook like Jussie did) to keep her warm at night.

3. Miranda Lambert Stole Found The Love of her Life.

This was last week’s news but it took a few days for the ole snoops of social media to get the real scoop on this guy who no one knew. And it was WORTH THE WAIT. Brendan Mcloughlin is a NYC cop, who Miranda met while performing on GMA and having a concert that same night where Brendan was the police detail/crowd control. Bren-dawgs is my age (26.5), was once an aspiring model, oh and also was engaged at the time he met Miranda, with a pregnant girlfriend as well. After I publicly declared in May that I was no longer #TeamMiranda (read about it here), she seemed to lay low for a while, sensing that she was losing a loyal follower because of her infidelities. Obviously, this ended real quick and it seems as though she has found her soulmate of cheaters. Brendan’s fiance found out he was cheating from his 7 month preggers girlfriend who was living with him at the time. *Allegedly* YOIKES. His baby was born the same month that him and Miranda started dating (November) so there was obviously some crossover. Let me be the first to say that they are a match made in heaven and the latest in the Hollywood trend to get married after dating for fifteen minutes. Best of luck to ya!

4. Gaga is Single.

Lady Gaga and her fiance who I literally knew nothing about have split. Obviously everyone is shipping a Gaga-Bradley union and to that I say, There can be 100 people in the room and 99 don’t believe in you, and just one does. And that can change your whole life. I mean literally, change it. Guess we’ll have to wait and see. Oscars are this weekend. Your move, Bradley.

5. Weekly Dose of Tasteful Nudity.

I always like to post the latest Calvin Klein campaign because who wouldn’t want to feast their eyes on a glossy six pack and judge the size of the guys’ package tucked into some briefs? This campaign features A$AP Rocky, Noah Centineo, Kendall Jenner, and Shawn Mendes. Since I’m a 13 year old girl (and because it wouldn’t be a competition with A$AP), let’s check out how Noah and Shawn fared.

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@CalvinKlein #MyCalvins. Campaign coming this week.

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@calvinklein by @_glen_luchford #mycalvins

A post shared by Noah (@ncentineo) on

Point to Shawn for Abs, Point to Noah for Package. Looks like we broke even here, boys. TYSM for participating. Also here’s a nice laugh from my favorite British doughboy, James Corden to round out the week.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 2/4/19

1. Biebz Waited for Marriage.

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The “Newlyweds” who got married in a court house and can’t seem to set a date for their party with all of their squad to celebrate, got a nice lil Vogue spread divulging some juicy deets and a whole lot of matching outfits. Shot by Annie Leibovitz (Classic), here’s a bunch of pictures of the two of them being young and famous and tattooed in matching separates.

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In addition to these lovely pics, the interview revealed that JB went celibate prior to getting engaged, to feel closer to his homie, God, and to figure out some shit because he was poppin xannie’s & banging strange for quite a while. Long story short, they got married at a court house five minutes after they got engaged because they were “waiting until marriage” to have sex. Which is laugh out loud funny. No one even knew they were dating, he was back on that Selena grind for a while then suddenly he’s engaged and gets married because he needs that good good (sober, hopefully.) But seriously though, this is a real quote from JB himself, “[God] doesn’t ask us not to have sex for him because he wants rules and stuff…” Spoken like a true poet. He believes God rewarded him with Hailey after he stopped slutting it up. Other revelations: church brought them back together (in case that wasn’t clear already), he calls her his baby boo, oh, and … “The thing is, marriage is very hard,” says Hailey. “That is the sentence you should lead with. It’s really effing hard.” GUD LUCK GUYZ!!! KByyyyyeeeeEeeeEeeeEe.

(If you want to read the full interview and find out about how Haley and JB were “homies” at first plus hear the deets on Justin’s Britney-esque meltdown, click HERE!)

2. J.Law is Engaged.

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Hollywood’s favorite relatable goofy chick has apparently gotten engaged and I didn’t even know she was dating anyone. Last I heard she was banging her director twice her age and it was feeling a little creepy, even if it wasn’t #MeToo era. Her engagement was such a shock, in fact, that when the boyf tried to scoop us on the celeb news, we berated him that it wasn’t People.com official yet. Well, it became People official and literally no one knows who this jabroni is. His name is Cooke, he’s a BFD in the art world and they’ve been dating like 6 months. It’s almost like none of these celebrities read my blog because if they did, they’d see THAT THESE IMMEDIATE ENGAGEMENTS WILL NOT LAST. AM I SCReAmING inTO A VOID?! DID ANYONE LEARN ANYTHING FROM PETE & ARI?!

3. Everyone Hates the Grammys This Year.

Speaking of Ari, she’s not going to be in attendance at the Grammys this year because the producers did her dirty. And then lied about it. So she’s thank u, nexting the Grammys. SUPER dumb move by the producers here because she released two albums in one year of nothin but the hitz and also created my favorite phrase to annoy my boyfriend with when I want him to stop talking about something. Doesn’t get much bigger than that. And now we can’t even see her do a sassy live performance. ON TOP of that, Taylor isn’t coming either. And was nominated for like 1 Grammy and it’s not even Album of the Year. Did anyone hear Reputation? DID THEY NOT SEE THAT SHE’S BACK AND SHE’S A BADD BITCH NOW?! I mean honestly, the snub alone is enough to make me not want to watch. And now I learn that no one is coming OR performing. The Grammys better woo me back QUICK or I’m boycotting. (Red Carpet will still be posted promptly at 9am the next morning.)

4. The Gays Love Each Other Too.

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It’s finally time for a gay rom com! I feel weird about the fact that it’s 2019 and this is now just happening. Either way, Billy Eichner has been tapped as the lead and Judd Apatow will produce, so you know it’ll be entertaining AND disgusting. I feel like my sister and I willed this into existence because just last weekend we were talking about how Jonathan Bennett (Aaron Samuels) is the lead in basically every Hally or Lifetime flick and we have a hard time believing in the love story every single time because he’s flamingly gay. We were really rooting for him to get his own gay rom com on Hallmark, but this works too. You’re welcome, everyone.

5. Party of Five Reboot, Deportation Style.

NIKO GUARDADO, BRANDON LARRACUENTE, ELLE PARIS LEGASPI, EMILY TOSTA

My first year out of college, instead of looking for an apartment or like creating my own adulthood independence, I lived at home with my parents and watched the entire series of Party of Five bootleg style on my laptop in my bedroom with the door closed. I basically regressed to being 13. To the point where my mom gently suggested to me to join a gym and try and make some friends. And I probably replied, The Salingers ARE MY FRIENDS, MOM. GAWD. Because they were. I binged this series in a few months and pretended it was still the 90’s. So naturally, when I saw a clickbait headline about them bringing it back I nearly slobbered all over my keyboard to get to it. WHAT a letdown. This is not a reboot or a reunion. I won’t get to see my old pals Charlie, Bailey, Julia, Claudia and Owen as adults. Instead, it’s a Freeform series that’s about a family of five children whose parents get deported. WUT. How is that the same as your parents dying in a car crash tho? Mr. and Mrs. Salinger are ROLLING in their grave at this association. Don’t ride on Po5’s coattails. Just say you have a new show without bringing visions of an age-defying Scott Wolf coming back into my life.

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Play us out…

 

BONUS: Just for laughs…

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Not included in the headline but important to point out, she’s also never seen him or facetimed with him. Love story for the ages. Or for next season on Catfish. Either way, either way’s fine.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 10/29/18

1. I’m not ok. 

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It’s been a minute ❤️

A post shared by Kaitlyn Bristowe (@kaitlynbristowe) on

I was searching for a 5th piece of celeb news for this week’s roundup when the official statement about Kaitlyn and Shawn was released and I’m not doing well. I reshuffled to put this at the top because it is the most important to me as I have inserted myself into Kaitlyn and Shawn’s relationship as much as any of her other stans. I listen to her podcast and try to copy her outfits on a daily basis and that’s why I feel personally victimized by this news. As much as I shit all over the Bachelor, the first two seasons I watched featured Kaitlyn and she was a funny girl with a potty mouth who happened to find love on TV and OBVIOUSLY I relate to that. The funniness. And the trash mouth. Not the finding love on TV part. I’ve followed them since they got engaged and they both seemed like genuinely good people and they had a relationship that I thought would last–which I can’t say for ANY other bachelor couple. DID I JINX THIS?! Don’t answer that. Things were rough over the summer when people were speculating their breakup because they hadn’t been seen together in a while but like KAITLYN ALWAYS VISITS HER FAMILY IN CANADA. CALM DOWN GUYS. She talked about it on her podcast that they’re both busy and they’re committed to each other. She said just because there’s a rough patch doesn’t mean you give up it means you love the shit out of each other and I was like YEAH GIRL YEAH. And now I feel sad about it. Here’s their official statement released to People before I start crying at my desk thinking about if she’ll get joint custody of Doodle:

“After three incredible years, we have decided to go our separate ways. This difficult decision comes after thoughtful, respectful consideration. Even though we are parting as a couple, we’re very much committed to remaining friends and we will continue to support each other. Due to the nature of how we met, our relationship has always been very public, and we have enjoyed sharing it with all of you, but we ask that you respect our decision and our privacy at this time.”

 

2. JT brings books back.

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Going on vocal rest didn’t stop JT from promoting his new coffee table book out this week called Hindsight. In it, there’s some little gems that have come out about him and Gosling tearing it up during the Mickey Mouse Club (legends) and how he met Jess at a party, she laughed at his joke and the rest is history (they banged other people for a while before getting together exclusively.) Also not for nothing but if JT tells a joke…you laugh. That’s just obvious. I WOULD’VE LAUGHED HARDER. Just saying. ALSO he claims that the way they met was a meet-cute right out of a rom com. MEETING AT A PARTY IS NOT A MEET CUTE JUSTIN. GAWD. Ok moving on. Anyway, here he is tearing it up with BFF JFall except it had to be non-verbal so they couldn’t do one of their regular shenanigans and instead they played a rigged version of the best friend game with wife vs bff. Honestly, I’m on team Jess after this abomination of cheating. PS do we think these three have sex? Cause like it got a little too real with pineapple.

BONUS: more JT JFALL time.

 

3. Feeny. FEEHEEEHEEEEEENY.

I’m gonna be real honest, when I saw Feeny in a headline I was like oh, dear God the time has come. I mean he is 91 after all. As much as my Cory Matthews brain would like to believe it, Feeny won’t be around forever. HOWEVER, good news he’s still alive and he literally scared an intruder away by waking up and turning on his light. BOOM. NOT TODAY. Plays with Squirrels agrees with me.

4. Social Media Breakup.

Obviously I’m salivating at all of the post Ariana-Pete breakup news because there’s nothing more entertaining than seeing youths in the social media era deal with a breakup and this one is about as public as it gets because they wouldn’t stop jamming their love down our throat as they jammed their tongues down each other’s. Anyway, Pete is using their breakup for ratings on this season of SNL and to better his standup routine and Ariana is NOT DOWN WITH THAT. Tell EM GIRL! PETE, WHAT IS YOUR REBUTTAL?

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5. Wedding Fever.

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I got some heart eyes for a couple of wedding dresses this week! Gwyn got married in like September but just released the photos and I laaaaahhhhve that gown. Big Daddy Sitch and his lovely lady also got married this week, moving their nuptials planned for Italy to right now in New Jersey due to his impending jail sentence and inability to leave the state (YOIKES.) Even though watching The Situation on the Jersey Shore might indicate a white trash bash for a wedding, the picture they released looked quite fancy so I guess they used that tax money for somethin! ZING. Ok I’m done with the roasts.

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They both look lovely. It looks like Sitch laid off the self tanner for once and MOST IMPORTANTLY they have no joke the best wedding hashtag in the game. #TheHitchuation?! I MEAN COME ON. THAT’S GENIUS. The only thing fishy about the wedding is that out of the whole J.Shore fam the only two as far as I know who attended were Deena and the Staten Island Dump Angelina. HUH?! Was everyone else really that busy that they couldn’t attend this wedding?! He got the mid series add-on and the dirty little hamster but no VP of MVP, Snooks or JWoww?! Even the camera crews weren’t there to capture it for Jersey Shore: Family Vacation part 15 just kidding we can’t call it vacation anymore because it’s just us living in a house without our kids for TV?! Hmmm…Anyway, congrats you crazy kids!

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