Music, Red Carpet, Television

CMA Awards Red Carpet 2019

Honestly forgot the CMA Awards were last night because I’m poor as dirt and had to cancel my cable subscription, but happy to report I stole someone else’s so that I could still tune in to get in touch with my country roots and hear Reba perform Fancy for the 6 millionth time because that song came out BEFORE I WAS EVEN BORN. Way to stay current, CMA’s. FTR, they also trucked Dolly Parton (another host) out to bring Nashville to the house of the Lord and sing a bunch of songs about good ole G-O-D. I get that both Rebz and Dolly are basically country royalty but like…why.  And since I came hot at Reba & Dolly (sorry, not sorry) I will also make up for it by saying that the performance of Girl Crush by up-and-coming female country stars was great. AND my favorite performance of the night was Lady Antebellum and Halsey doing a medley of What If I Never Get Over You and Graveyard. It was something I never would have expected and they crushed it. All of the claps in the world for when Halsey just busts out that kickass angel voice with no theatrics or weird dominatrix dance routines. ANYWHO. Y’all know country red carpets are the BEST to judge because some people go glam, some people go white trash and black country singers find a way to mix both and I’m really hoping they stop that soon. It’s not racist if I’m just making an observation. BLACK COUNTRY SINGERS DO NOT NEED AN ADDITIONAL REASON TO STAND OUT.  LOOK TO DARIUS RUCKER AS YOUR GUIDING LIGHT. Ok. Here we go.

WORST

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Oh, Trish. Gurlfran. Leopard print–Great. Zebra print–horribly unflattering. An important lesson in animal print for us all.

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Remembs 15 years ago when Gretchen Wilson came out with Redneck Woman? Guess she’s still stickin to that mantra real hard with this outfit that I can only assume a middle-aged mom from the midwest would wear to a club in NYC thinking she’s a real housewife. One swift move and we all see Gretchen’s redneck hooha.

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No clue who this is, I just needed to bring this horrendous monstrosity of an outfit into the light. That’s one way to embrace the jumpsuit trend. Certainly can’t miss it!

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I honestly don’t even know what garbage is sprinkled all over Nicole’s dress but it looks like a kid’s arts and crafts project. Also lolerskates to Keith’s platforms, always.

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Hate to see it, but I feel like Reese just popped out of the movie poster for Sweet Home Alabama and I also feel like the trends of the early 2000’s should never be revisited.

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I recently dipped my toe in the trendy hat game, and I am very sensitive and would hate it if anyone laughed out loud at my hat. That being said, I laughed out loud at Colton’s hat. And really his whole outfit in general. I feel like he googled “NBA stars trendy” and came up with this outfit. Cassie looks fine but unfortunately when you hitch your cart to a fashion overachiever for a boyfriend, you might just end up on a worst dressed list. Dem’s da breaks.

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No one should ever wear head to toe white. Not even on your wedding day.

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UGHHHHHHHHHH I’m so over Kacey trying to be campy western forever.

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Ok, then.

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I’m a Decker fan through and through but I’ve seen both of them knock it out of the park on a red carpet and this is not it. Just trying to keep it real & challenge my crushes to constantly impress me with their fashion choices. Don’t mail it in next time, GUYS.

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You work out or something? BOOoOOOOOooOOOO.

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I feel like Kristin is constantly dressing for Broadway and maybe sometimes she could just roll up in a simple party dress and take it doooown a notch.

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I MEAN COME ON.

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I get the feeling RaeLynn thinks she’s actually Marilyn Monroe. Someone keep an eye on her wellbeing.

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I didn’t do my research (shocking to no one) and probably will sound ignorant but like, haven’t females in country music been busting through those glass ceilings left and right in the past few years? I feel like it’s the era of female country and thus this statement cape is ill-timed. Also Jennifer Nettles rubs me the wrong way and always has. Double also, if you’re going to go for a bold statement, actually spell out the F word and show you’re a real one.

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BLECH. What is happening here. Also now that she’s preggers, what will happen to her constantly having her entire body on display at every awards show? STAY TUNED.

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I lost it when I saw this poop suit and the straight SASS in which she’s posing it up. Confidence through the roof for a suede browtfit.

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Had to toss in your typical country boy who shows a little glamour for shits and giggles.

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How are we not seeing nipple here?

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Sometimes the double leg slit just weirds me out and looks like a panel that covers your bits. I’m probably being picky as hell but the more I looked at this, the less I liked it. And that’s why I have a blog that no one reads.

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This does not strike me as an awards dress and also I’m just still mad at Miranda for constantly stealing everyone’s husbands.

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I guess we’re really hitting the females in country theme home this year by bringing two of them back from beyond the grave to host with Carrie. Pains me to say it but none of these looks are blowing me away. Obviously the show contains several outfit changes, most of them during Reba’s performance of Fancy, but we’re just judging red carpet here and EHHHHH.

BEST

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I can totes get down with the constellation sprinkle on Jake’s jacket and his lady love looks like a real babe too.

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I’m loving the color coordination here and apparently I have a thing for stars this week because I’m all in on Mrs. Dierks whole dark magic vibez.

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Another couple that I hold to high standards because they always bring it for awards shows and I’ve definitely seen Lauren in better dresses but I’m not completely coldhearted and I’m not about to toss an entire family on the worst dressed. So basically their cute ass kids saved them here. I DO love Thomas’s polka dot look and really wish he performed Up instead of his song about how everyone gets old and dies. But whatevs.

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HEART EYES EMOJI. Mah gurl is 2 for 2 in recent red carpets lookin like the dime piece I know she is. I love classy Halsey and I need more of her in my life. Fingers crossed she keeps it up for the AMA’s.

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What a classic look for a real country hottie who does the opposite of Thomas Rhett and sings that grandpas never die. Real hot take. Also this is the part where I shamelessly bring it back to myself because I met him and I got to watch someone sneak into his meet & greet and give him a hat with Albany, NY on it that she specifically bought for him and it was v. cringeworthy. Plus I belong on a red carpet for my sassy pony (may it rest in peace ever since my tragic visit to Supercuts 2 weeks ago.)

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Bros lookin sharp.

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Sheryl Crow can be tossed into the pool of never-aging Hollywood greats.

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Again, I feel real uncomfy with shitting on kids fashion so shoutout to Pink & Carey and their minis really embracing the country theme. If we’re being real honest, I think I like both kids attires more than Pink’s burnt orange look.

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Daaaayummmmmn.

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This outfit & pose slayed me. From top to bottom: the protective goggle sunglasses, the HARD finger gunz, a Burberry-esque trench, the leather messenger bag like he’s going to class in 1998 and the “hiking” boots that American Eagle for SURE sold when I was in high school. SO MANY THINGS HAPPENING AT ONCE. And props to Blanco for committing to the bit and pulling the winner’s name out of his messenger bag later in the night.

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YAAASSS LEOPARD KWEENS!!!! Cough cough, this is how you safari, Trisha, COUGH.

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It appears as though Hil is wearing a waist trainer and probably ceased to breathe all evening, but she looks GR8.

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Sara Evans is approaching 50 and LOOK AT THOSE DAMN LEGS.

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I ain’t even mad that she mixed all of the animal prints because it nicely breaks up the zoot suit riot that is the rest of her group.

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I was actually so ready to shit all over this wet blanket (for those of you who didn’t see her run on the Bachelor, the nickname fits) but we all know I have a real weak spot for yellow.

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I love that this is not revealing at all and yet the rainbow makes it fun and fresh.

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Walker’s loafers look a little geeky but I’m diggin’ wifey’s dress.

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I’m pretty sure this is the only red of the evening and gurl is werking it.

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I know it’s not fair to give my favorite look of the night honor to someone who doesn’t even belong at an awards show but holy shit this is my favorite look of the night. Own those fifteen minutes and appear wherever they ask you to if they keep dressing you up like this, honey.

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What a cutie this fella is! Looking dapper with a dash of mountainman beard.

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Honestly I’ve seen like 4 people in Hollywood rock this silk PJ’s look now and I really just want a pair of these pants REAL bad. They look comfy AF.

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Ending on another high note of me shoving a picture of myself with someone famous enough to walk a red carpet right in your grillpiece. Tenille is adorable, makes polka dots look good and is also super nice and complimented my leopard pants. Because as you know, complimenting me will get you everywhere. Those are the rules. I didn’t write them. (JK, I totes did.)

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Music, Playlist

Pump It Up Playlist

It’s been a hot minute since I’ve forced a weird / random playlist down your throats and I think it’s about damn time we revisit this faaabulous Salty Ju feature. Mostly because I’ve gone back to the gym–if we classify going back to the gym as my annual realization that my pants are suddenly too tight after seasonal depression binge eating, jorts szn is quickly approaching, I should probably get my $10 a month worth of Planet Fitness and also give myself an excuse to buy some new jazzy workout leggings to flex how good I look in athleisure. EITHER WAY, I’ve needed some bangerz to keep me at the gym for more than 15 minutes every few nights and to drown out people like the lady who announced loudly that she goes to the gym twice a day-morning and night.

bridesmaids

Anyway, I spent a whole day of work going through my entire iTunes lib trying to pull songs that I hadn’t heard in a long time that were fast paced. I ended up with a 3 hour playlist. Don’t you even worry, I’ve narrowed it down to bless your ears with only the best of the best. If working out isn’t your thing, I respect that. Pop this bitch on when you’re looking to feel pumped up for anything in life. Going out? Want to have an at home dance party? Get jazzed for a road trip? I gotchu.

The Greatest Show – Cast. This song should kick off every playlist going forward. No joke I wish I was still in college when it came out because it would make a GR8 pregame jam. How can you not instantly be in a great mood when you hear the stomp stomp WHOA-OHH-OH-OHHHHH? I had it as my morning alarm for a while and I shot out of bed ready to take on the day. Also terrified because that’s kind of a jarring way to be pulled out of a deep slumber but I DON’T CARE. GIMME ALL THE CLAP BREAKS. Also the song basically becomes a whole new song when Zac Efron pipes up so 2 for 1 special, you’re welcome.

Stronger – Britney Spears. Let a little OG Britney up in ya ears. I feel like this one sneaks under the radar. Obviously Brit’s school girl uniform and latex red body suit stand out in your memory but let’s not forget how she made a metal chair look sexy in this music video. Chair dance Britney paved the way for snake Slave 4 U Britney and EVERYBODY KNOWS IT.

It’s Still Rock And Roll To Me – Billy Joel. They don’t call him the hitmaker for nothin, folks. Even his sad piano jams put me in a good mood because he’s such a legend. Just selling out stadiums on the reg, tickling the ole ivories. Whatta life.

I Drove All Night -Celine Dion. Even though I can crush It’s All Coming Back to Me Now even better than Celine probably can–I’m talking high notes & passion only, I will literally never get the lyrics down–I can still appreciate Celine’s other bangerz. This one has a powerful message. Celine wanted some, so she drove through the night to get it. And because she’s still a lady, she was like is that alright? OF COURSE IT’S ALRIGHT, GURL. GET AFTER IT.

Days Go By – Keith Urban. Lucky for Keith he has the perfect mix between rock and country because he shreds the guitar, so he basically only puts out fun songs. It was very difficult to choose just one of his so I went with a classic that never gets old. The original version of YOLO, if you will. YA BETTER START LIVIN RIGHT NOW.

Get Buck In Here – DJ Felli Fel Ft. Lil Jon, Ludacris, Diddy & Akon. Look, let’s not beat around the bush here, I’m white. Not like white but can still hang and has a little flavor, like cream cheese white. I look like a real nerdbomber when I try to rap along to songs but you know what? That sure doesn’t stop me from trying. I’ve realized that Luda is essentially the only rapper I can keep up with and I’ve latched onto that real hard. This is where I shine. Right here. I’m like Emma Stone rapping to All I Do Is Win when Get Buck In Here comes on. Plus, like, any song about too much booty speaks to me on a whole other level.

Fighter – Christina Aguilera. Not only did I have a pretty badass dance to this song in middle school for my hip hop class (if you’d like to see my equally as badass camo costume, click here) but also it’s a pretty underrated Xtina song. When it came on the other night I had to physically stop myself from tossing out some Aguilera hands and belting out the riffs. Trying to make fun of the weirdos at the gym, not BE one, amirite?! But if you’re listening to this in the car and you’re not doing Ag-hands then turn it off because you’re not doing it right.

Nobody But Me – Michael Bublé. I’ve always loved Bubz a normal amount from him soundtracking bascially The Wedding Date in it’s entirety and also from just being an adorable little Canadian crooner whose always in a suit. I recently had to learn how to love him extra hard because he’s basically my boyfriend’s number one crush in this world (aside from Tim Tebow) and we went to his comeback tour concert. And let me tell you, whatta guy. He can tell a dirty joke then immediately transition into a full orchestra high-note hitting class act. One of a kind. This was one of his songs I recently discovered and it never fails to get the hips a’movin. It’s the Bub Daddy with a little hip-hop flair.

No Church In the Wild – Jay-Z Ft. Kanye West & Frank Ocean. The beat on this song makes me want to get up and move regardless of if I look like a moron. Plus it was used to show total debauchery in The Great Gatsby, which allows me to remind everyone of a time when I called everyone old sport after that movie came out and I thought it was hilarious. Great times all around, Old Sport. Lastly, I’ve always wanted to post a picture captioned “Sunglasses and Advil. Last night was mad real.” But unfortunately I’m not Kanye West doing lines off of a girl’s skin so it has never been truly justified. Maybe this summer will get crazy. Who knows, Old Sport. Who knows.

Swerve – Florida Georgia Line. These two bozos basically invented the hip hop/country combo deal and they’re still cashing checks on it 5 years later. People are like you guys know you’re not real country right? And they respond by releasing an album titled “Can’t Say I Ain’t Country.” Touché.

Timber – Ke$ha Ft. Pitbull. Although I never condone Pitbull and his ability to make a career off of singing “dalé” in any song he’s featured on, I forgot just how fire flames this song is. When it first came out I almost sprained my ankle dancing around the house to it so you know it’s the real deal. Never thought I’d say this but I miss that dirty bird Ke$ha.

Chasin’ After You – O-Town. Always weary of a boy band comeback, I was pleasantly surprised by this one ESPECIALLY since they ditched their star power, Ashley Parker Angel. Remember that baby face with spiky blonde hair? I gasped when I found out. How could they possibly proceed without him? Well turns out all you really need is a good pop song and it doesn’t really matter who is singing it because I couldn’t name one current member of O-Town if I had to.

Don’t Stop Me Now – Queen. Queen’s on a real hot streak lately ever since the movie that Rami Malek won an Oscar for and didn’t even thank Freddie Mercury, WHO HE PORTRAYED. I’m happy to join the bandwagon. I think I forgot how many Queen songs I knew until I saw the movie and I immediately started cycling their beats back into my regular play. SING IT TO ME, FREDDIE!

 …Ready For It – Taylor Swift. There was no way we were gonna sneak outta here without some TayTay and I hope that I’ve chosen correctly. Just kidding I know that I have because I’ve spent the past year going ARE YOU READY FOR IT in a dumb voice every time I want someone to get pumped up for something. You’re welcome, everyone around me.

Till I Collapse – Eminem & Nate Dogg. I was told by a trustworthy source that a pump up jams playlist CANNOT exist without Till I Collapse. So even though the ONLY words I know in this song are the actual title, I’m very willing to toss around some rapper hands and nod my head intensely as Em & Nate Dogg do their thang.

Breathing – Yellowcard. My emo side peeking in here, I’ve already previously declared my love for Yellowcard and any punk rock band that dares to toss a violinist in the mix. Even though I wore out their concert dvd (lost it), I still need a good head bang every once in a while and Breathing is just the trick.

Get Another Boyfriend – Backstreet Boys. I feel a little guilty that there’s no N*SYNC on this playlist but if we’re being honest, BSB always had a little more street cred and that’s what we needed here. A rough and rowdy tune about a girl being a dumbass.

We Run This – Missy Elliott. Remember the classic flick Stick It about gymnastics? I was obsessed with it in high school. I quoted it preeeetttyy regularly and wanted to dabble in gymnastics just because the lead actress made it look so kewl. This song was featured in the movie and it just makes you want to do a front handspring into a back flip into a split leap then stick the landing. Ya know? For realz though, I used to rock the shit out of a cartwheel and I literally can’t even attempt one without breaking both arms clean off of my body anymore. Same with a back bend. I encourage you to have a glass of wine or two on a Friday night and attempt to do a back bend/bridge on your living room carpet. My family all individually tried this feat and it ended with my mom peeing her pants from laughing so hard. Quality entertainment. Spoiler Alert: *bridges only work if you can lift your own body weight clear off the ground through core strength* Tough stuff, lesson learned.

Sucker – Jonas Brothers. HEYYOOOOO gotta include the JoBro’s comeback. Not because I was ever a JoBro stan but because it’s catchy as hell. I already blogged specifically about this song and their complete destruction of the curly-headed virgins, so no need to be redundant. See my thoughts HERE.

Nice For What – Drake. I don’t have one single clue what these lyrics are. I somewhat gathered that it’s about ladies and female empowerment?! Mostly because the video featured a bunch of famous lady actresses. Also we’re going to gloss right over the fact that Tiffany Haddish, America’s MOST annoying voice (it’s no contest, don’t even try to debate me on this) is featured because this beat is infectious and makes me want to groove like nobody’s biz. Shout out to Lauryn Hill on that one. #Feminism.

Still Into You – Paramore. Another dip into the world where I stacked up my Claire’s rubber bracelets and posed for pics with my dad’s tie over a white beater. Hayley Williams is a classic punk rock chick with neon hair and I LOVE HER! That’s all folks. It’s just a funky song about liking someone a lot.

The Way You Make Me Feel – Michael Jackson. As you’ve come to expect, we only end on high notes here in Salty Ju playlist land. In the dance movie montage blog that I previously linked to for Christina Aguilera’s Fighter, you’ll notice that my top movie is Center Stage and this song is in their final dance which is BOSS. Seriously, if you haven’t seen this dance scene yet, you don’t even need to watch the movie just google it. It’s bananas. I digress, listening to this feel good MJ jam is all you need to feel like you too could become a professional dancer jiving around while a choreographer from the wrong side of the tracks rides his Harley onstage to pick you up. Basic stuff.

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Red Carpet

CMA’s Red Carpet 2017

Here it is! Country’s biggest night!* I always can appreciate a good country awards show because the men are usually the fashion risk-takers here. Oscars, Globes & Grammys? A guy is daring if he wears a colored suit. Country music though is where a man can don a sparkly blazer paired with a 10-gallon cowboy hat. Game respects game.

*This week.

WORST.

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This dress is fine. The color is good with her red locks and everything but the cutouts are really bothering me. I feel like that trend ended and if it didn’t then it should have because it makes the skinniest people look fat. Nobody wants to see skin flapping out of a geometric cutout.

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I honestly have no words for this.I know these clowns always dress like this but I just can’t.

Cam

This frock is all sorts of Victorian ugly. Sry, Cam.

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I KNOW I KNOW. Carrie doesn’t belong on worst dressed because she is gorge and can do no wrong but like COME ON. THIS DRESS SUCKS. It’s not flattering and I would like the ruffle sleeves to be gone forever.

Chase Bryant

My eye was immediately drawn to the vagina looking creation patterned across his arms and I’m not sorry bout it. If you’re going to adorn a jacket with feathers, make them look like feathers and not the inside of someone’s lady bits.

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Well that’s a look. Gold Maître D’ jacket with crock boots.

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Giving me some real Hocus Pocus vibes. We’re past BoooOOooOoooK season now, Karen. Pilgrims are this month’s theme.

Kellie Pickler

SEAAAAAAAAAAAAWEeeEEEEEEEEEEd dress.

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Props to the MOST perfect mermaid waves but this dress stinks.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

I’ve never tried to hide my general dislike for Maren but she’s now giving me the most reasons to scoff. What on God’s green earth is happening here? Head to toe.

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Oh alright, now we’re doing open-sequined-80’s workout onesies? COUNT ME OUT.

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Goodbye.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

I just feel very strongly that there should be an age limit on leather pants for men.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

These two are hippies. That’s their thing. I get it. It’s just not for everyone. They pull it off, don’t get me wrong. But not for me, ya know?

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

This dress shape is overwhelming in a weird way. Brad looks gr8 though.

BEST.

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Swooooooooooooooon.

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I’m pretty sure these two wear the same colors and variation of these suits everywhere but it works, so whatevs.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

This is a fash risk that I’m down with. Understated glamour in this suit. Well done, Dustin.

Faith Hill, Tim McGraw

I mean they don’t get the King and Queen of country title just by chance. Red lip matches his red leatha. These two are flawless.

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I don’t think I realized that JJD was QUITE this preggers already but here we go. Loving the red and she still looks like a babe soda.

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One of my favorite dresses of the night.

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Another suit that’s crushing the understated sparkle game. Casj and fance all at once.

Lea Michele

Cough, cough, Carrie should’ve worn this.

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These two are like teeth whitening spokespeople. Get on that, Crest.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

PRETTY PRETTY PRINCESS!

Niall Horan

That’s a Harry pose if I’ve ever seen one. What a cutie. I just wanna pinch his little cheeks!

Pink, Willow Sage Hart

THIS IS SO STINKIN’ PRECIOUS.

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Reebz with that hourglass fig! Get it, grrrrl.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

I will not for a second hide my obsession with these two childhood sweethearts. Also, Lauren is crushing the dark lip.

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Red Carpet

ACM’s Red Carpet 2017

Country hits Vegas AND we’re finally getting closer to country music season so I’m all in on it again. Here’s the best and the worst of bedazzled belts and aggress spray tans.

WORST

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The boyf is determined to start dressing like the FGL jabroni on the left and I cannot hit it home any harder that these two are fashion disasters. There is never an event where it is approps to wear a literal denim tuxedo with a hat that ridiculous. I rest my case.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Father Sam Hunt?

cassadee

Kewl bra.

kacey

Sweet butt bow.

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WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

YIKES, Lady A. What’s with the 70’s theme?

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Scotty. We meet again.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

There’s something about the skintight khakis that’s really throwing me off my game here. It’s like khaki leggings. Kheggings?

US-ENTERTAINMENT-MUSIC-COUNTRY-ARRIVALS

Ok dude. Do less.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Never pegged Kellie to be boring AF on the red carpet. Spice it up girl, it’s Vegas. Go crazy!

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Don’t go this crazy. My eyes are bleeding out of their sockets.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Blech.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

I have no words for this floral ‘splosion.

BEST

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Throwing Nicole and Keith a bone here because they usually look like garbage on top of garbage.

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Red carpet look is kind of meh for Faith. Because she straight knocked me out during her duet. Seriously how is she that skinny? Also they both don’t age even for a second.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Baby Rhett’s going to be a stunner.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Favorite minty colors and dubz braid. Kelsea knows just what I like. I was all yaaassss…until she changed into a casj ice dancer for her performance. Yikes.

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52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Shoutout to Jason, this jacket is trendy AF. Wifey belongs in a Vegas club and that is NOT a compliment.

mirandamirandaperformance

BEWBS. No but seriously, Miranda looks good and gave Carrie a run for her money in the legs dept during her boring ass performance.

luke

Luke can never look bad and that seems obvious.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

No joke I actually got an undie slushee looking at this.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

This color is springy and perf.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Classy AF.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Embroidery’s a little weird but the rest is F-U-N!

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Cole “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” Swindell. Coordinated hat and suit game is flyyyy.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

I guess this is a new thing that Carrie’s doing at awards show. She’s not about giving everyone a peep at her legs before the main event. Whatever, I respect it, I guess. Mostly because I literally drooled when she hit the stage in the first few minutes, legz blazin.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Damn, Reba can get it!

Best look of the night goes to Carrie’s legs and it ain’t no competition:

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 3/27/17

I took a self-imposed hiatus because Hollywood has been BORING AF lately. It’s pretty selfish of celebrities to not give me something to razz them about, honestly. Lucky for you I found just enough to get back in the saddle this week. HAPPY WEEKEND!

1. FINALLY.

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SIGN.OF.THE.TIMES // 7.APRIL.17 //

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Our ears will be blessed next Friday with the only real solo act to come out of 1D that anyone should care about. Harry’s done pretending to be a serious actor and he better DELIVER on the music front after we had to wait this long. Mysterious wading in the water photo isn’t really giving us much but thank God it has already been announced that he’ll be the musical guest on SNL 4/15, with host Jimmy Fallon. Fingers crossed that JFall’s Harry meets real Harry in a skit, or we riot.

2. Whoa, baby.

Pregnant bellies kind of freak me out. Mostly because like, there’s a human in there and if I push too hard will it die? This is something I may never know. So preggers people rocking bikinis at the beach usually gives me the heebie jeebies. The minute I see a baby arm or leg move like it’s taking over your body I’M OUTTA THERE. But of course, leave it to LC to make pregnancy chic as hell. Perfect mani, cocktail and beach scene=realistic look at pregnancy.

3. Batting UP.

Look, ARod’s kind of a loser. He could never compare to Jeets and it’s embarrassing how obsessed he is with himself. But let’s be clear, there’s nothing more embarrassing than a nobody (who is this biddy?) telling you that you’re outkicking your coverage in a major way. Girl thinks she’s being cutesy with the sports reference but ain’t nothing gonna cover the fact that she straight up told ARod to his face that he’s not good enough for Jenny from the block. Facts only. Also they’ve been dating a casual 3 weeks so like maybe slow your roll with yapping about her on a talk show. She just got done banging Drake. It’s not going to last. Especially since you’re, hitting out of your weight class? IS THAT HOW YOU SAY IT? LOLOLOLOL. PS unrelated but kind of related…the 3 no name hosts plus Joy Behar saying that JLo liking chocolate chip cookies is breaking news made my eyes roll out of my skull and halfway across the room. HOW IS THIS SHOW STILL ON TV?

4. WHERE IS SUMMER.

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AVAILABLE NOW! 🕺🏻#CravingYou ft. @marenmorris

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Despite the fact that it’s rain/snowing in New York for THE NEXT TWO DAYS…I’m going to jam out to this new Thomas Rhett number and pretend warm weather is just around the corner. Ignore the fact that little hoebot Maren is featured on this. Pretend it’s his perfect wifey instead.

5. PUPPY BOUQUETS!

© Discover Love Studios - Brittany Boland - www.discoverlovestudios.com

This has literally nothing to do with anything other than the fact that it was an article on People today but if I’m in your wedding party and you don’t give me a puppy to take pictures with, you’re essentially dead to me. Group photos for weddings are the WORST. The way photographers direct women to pose is only setting us up for failure. “Blow a kiss”, “Walk toward the camera with sass” “Kick your foot up in the air” results in me looking like an awkward giraffe with my mouth open and/or eyes closed 98% of the time. Congrats on getting married, whose that weird bird who ruined all of your professional photos?! …is what I imagine everyone says when they view the final product. (Just me? Whatever) Either way, it’s IMPOSSIBLE to look like a spazz when you have a cuddly baby puppy wuppy in your arms.

bridalpuppies

© Discover Love Studios - Brittany Boland - www.discoverlovestudios.com© Discover Love Studios - Brittany Boland - www.discoverlovestudios.com

 

BONUS: Throwback Eye Candy, Love always, Mandy

Bucket Hat=Pure SEX.

DUBZ BONUS: LOL to the fact that Melissa Joan Hart is suddenly all omg I totally should’ve dated Ryan Reynolds back in the day. HE’S BLAKE’S MAN. BACK OFF, SABRINA. (That hair though.)

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Music, Playlist

Summer Palooza 2k16

 

The sunshine season can’t truly begin until the infamous* Summer Palooza drops.

(*use term loosely)

CAN’T STOP THE FEELING! – Justin Timberlake. I declared this JT bangerang the song of the summer on May 6th when it was released and I stand by it hard. Is it played ad nauseum on the radio? Don’tttt caaaaareeeeee. Get that sunshine in your pocket and just dance dance daaaannceeee like you’re dressed like Ellen.

jT

Summer – Cassadee Pope. I mean, come on. This song was written specifically to be drafted for summer palooza.

I Like The Sound Of That – Rascal Flatts. One of those feel good country songs from a band that are basically considered dinosaurs in the industry by now. Seriously, I feel like the Flatts have been lip syncing at award shows for the past 100 years. Anyway, ❤ the JT shoutout EVEN though they say Timberlake’s got nothin on this girl. WHAT a bold statement.

Superstitious – MKTO. Any music MKTO releases makes me instantly want to drop into a split and spin on my head. Don’t worry. I physically can’t do that, so I’ll white girl head bop instead and let them remind me of the duo from Another Cinderella Story that a young Selena Gomez sassy danced all up on. (Seriously though, are they the same people? Right down to the fedora…)

anothercinderellastory

vs.

mkto

Brand New – Ben Rector. A surprising soulful twist for the mix, it’s time to shed some light on ya boy Ben Rector and bump this for road trip vibes.

Work from Home ft. Ty Dolla $ign – Fifth Harmony. Even though this one’s been floating around since early Spring, I’m still down with it because I DO work from home most of the time. And it definitely doesn’t go like this… Either way Fifth Harmony crushes the high school band practice meets sexual lyrics year after year.

Wherever I Go – OneRepublic. I always forget about OneRepublic because it seems fishy that they’re still releasing music while Ryan Tedder is writing songs for like 90% of pop singers. But regardless, every summer they seem to have new music and this one is surprisingly UPBEAT!

Once In A While – Timeflies. Even though Timeflies released a real weird video for this song, it’s still catchy AF and Cal still floods my basement with just one note. Why aren’t these two super famous by now? They’re about to open for the kid with the holey eyebrow in a mall bowling alley next week. Not even headline…OPEN. What is wrong with this world? Make these two megastars, STAT.

CAL

Fix – Chris Lane. If you’re looking for something to indulge on this summer, Chris Lane is it. He’s got your fix, he’ll be whatever you need. He’s also a straight up smokeshow. Yes Chris. Be all of the things for me, pls.

chrislane

Bacon – Nick Jonas ft. Ty Dolla $ign. Nick Jonas is soooooo0oooo deep now because he wrote an album about his breakup with Ms. Universe but realistically he’s just singing about tossing bacon on stuff. It pretty much makes 0.0 sense but when you add a beat to my favorite crispy breakfast side, it’s summer palooza gold. PS no clue who Ty DOLLA $ign is, but snaps for him earning 2 prestigious spots on this mix. That’s how you get your start in the music biz, so I’ve heard.

Sun Don’t Let Me Down (feat. Nile Rodgers & Pitbull) – Keith Urban. I hate myself for liking this song because it goes against every fiber of my being that hates Pitubull and his Mr. 305, Mr. Worldwide yellin’ ass but it’s fire.

Ain’t Got Far To Go – Jess Glynne. Jess made her debut last summer with some radio hits and we’re getting in touch with our inner jam band/reggae by including her this year. Clap it up for musical diversity. But seriously, put those hands together because there’s a whole lot of clappin in this song.

Like I Would – Zayn. Although I never wanted to support someone who could up and leave 1D, it would be wrong to admit that this bedroom jam Zayn that was born out of it doesn’t do things for me. Plus Harry’s the lead actor in a movie that’s probably going to win Oscars, so no hard feelsies. I would say that Zayn’s pretty cocky about his sex skillz with both Pillow Talk and this, but he managed to snag the hottest young model in the world and I’m gonna go ahead and guess he’s probs good in bed. They broke up for a hot second but GiGi remembered that no one would touch her like Zayn does, so she was like JK we’re back on.

Night’s On Fire – David Nail. David Nail’s a cutie and also consistently puts out classic country songs about hot babes and summer feels. I accept.

Treat You Better – Shawn Mendes. Technically Shawn is more for the teeniebopper Disney crowd but whatever because Stitches was my shit and I can already tell this song just might top that old school Bieber good good.

Snapback – Old Dominion. This is more of a PSA than anything: snapbacks are all the rage now. And by that I mean, backwards hats are all the rage. If you’re of the male gender and flip your hat backward, your pussy magnetism will skyrocket. Facts only. Unfortunately this is a song about a girl wearing a snapback. Less hot. When I wear a backwards hat, my family calls me Icebox from Little Giants. Double standard. Quick recap: guys, flip it backward, girls don’t do it unless you want to be compared to a female trying out for the boy’s football team.

Yes:  lukebryan

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Put It On Me- Austin Mahone Ft. SAGE the Gemini. It’s pretty embarrassing that two years in a row I’ve roasted Sage for what clearly is his calling card. They don’t already know you Sage, no one knows you. And no one will know you if you keep backing up Disney singers on their breakout “I’m a bad boy who does sex” tracks. Nick Jonas skyrocketed over the past year and with this spicy number, it looks like Austin Mahone is about to do the same. And poor S-A-G-E is left behind still just wanting to already be known.

Sorry – Beyonce. This is an unsanctioned add behind my co-producer’s back but you know what? I AIN’T SORRY. Beyonce made Lemonade (and cold hard cash) out of Jay cheating on her. It needed to be addressed on my summer mix. Everything about this song is cocky and cool. Yonce telling Jay to suck on her balls?! Damn. I also cannot and will not stop laughing at how disgusted she is with his F’ing excuses. The delivery on that was A+++.

White Houses – Vanessa Carlton. Summer cannot begin nor end without ‘Ness singing about sweaty *consensual* first times in the back of a car.

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Baby Come Home”

 

julietteonstage

I realize this is almost a week late and I would apologize but I took all of last week off from blogging because I decided that I deserved it. On the bright side, I was vacationing in Nashville for the better part of last week and therefore we can count it as research. To which I will tell you that The Bluebird Café is not a lovely wooden bar with twinkly lights and celeb status, it is a hole in the wall located directly next to a McDonalds in the middle of nowhere and you are charged 3 extra fees just to sit inside it for 2 hours. *QUIETLY* So there’s some TV magic ruined for ya’ll.

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Anyway, since we’re talking about things ruined, let’s talk about how baby Cadence is the human form of a C-block. When Avery and Layla finally, no surprise to anyone, smooch on their tour bus of love, Cadence lets out a howl that says, “no one will be getting any on this bus.” Then later on, after Juliette tries her typical manipulation to get Avery onstage with her, she finally fesses up and tells him she still loves him and they should try again. At the pucker of Juliette’s lips, Cadence turns on the waterworks. Congrats you two, you created a monster. Avery found a quick way around that though when he has Emily drop the little cockblock off at Juliette’s room to signify that he’ll be having a slumber party elsewhere. Ugh. Terrible decision, Avery. Calling Juliette during sex would’ve been less mean than using your own child as a flag to wave that you’re getting laid.

In related “things that were obviously going to happen” news, Scarlett and Gunnar get stuck in an elevator because the show needed a small place for them to finally harness their sexual tension and face it head on. Their foreplay is whiskey and “If I Didn’t Know Better.” They bang and that’s obvious.

And onto our melodramatic teen that wants to, in Daphne’s sad, sad words “divorce her family”, we’ve added Teddy back into the equation, which I think is pretty lolworthy because a few recaps ago I mused if he even still existed. Lo and behold, here’s Teddy still rotting in jail, except now he’s being asked to sign off on the emancipation before Maddie takes it to court. Maddie visits her fake dad in jail and is all, Deacon attacked some guy at the club feeling me up, so you can see how unfair this is, sign the papers and side with me. Except not so fast…Teddy reveals he only signed Maddie to Edgehill because of the whole blackmailed for banging a hooker thing. Remember that? The thing that got him thrown in the clink to begin with? Well, it didn’t really help the whole lying/manipulating parents sitch, whoopsie, so Teddy has been dismissed from the show, probably forever.

On Rayna’s side, she gets to that little snake Cash and threatens her with, “I will make sure no one from music row to lower broad will ever work with you again.” Cash should be shaking in her boots because Rayna basically owns Nashville and also since I’m a recent tourist of the city, I know that those are actual neighborhoods there. Ask me where they are and I will tell you I have not a clue. At one point I discovered I was in music row because a new snapchat geo-tag showed up that said “Music Row”. I know, I’m a genius.

cash sucks

Rayna catches Maddie at a vulnerable moment and thinks she gets her to call the whole deal off, then Maddie shows up last minute at the Opry to play with Daphne for a benefit. Except it turns out she didn’t LOVE what Rayna said to Cash and the emancipation is STILL ON. She only showed up to prove that Daphne and her are still sisters even though she’s bare-handed ripping this family apart. Everyone cries, including Rayna whose singing. I wouldn’t feel fab about paying for tix at the Opry and having the lead act cry onstage. PS I’ve been on that stage, NBD but KBD. Double PS, if you ever go to Nashville, skip the Opry backstage tour because it is literal dirt, and they wheel in a TV (substitute teacher style) with Deacon Clayborne on it to read the history of their soundstage. I see him every week on my TV; I don’t need to pay $35 for it. Alright, I’m done yapping about my life. See YA next week in court.

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