Music, Red Carpet, Television

MTV VMA’s Red Carpet 2016

Every year when the back to college blues hit, MTV really hammers it home with the VMA’s. An annual reminder that I’m too old for this shit. I don’t know who half of the rappers and singers are that youths are listening to these days, and I’m forced to endure 3 hours of buhholes and Kanye “bro” West free speech–just so I don’t have Twitter FOMO. To make up for this full night of garbage TV, I’m going to judge red carpet outfits real hard.

WORST

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Red Carpet

Ariana may be nailing all the 90’s kewl kid trends these days with the off the shoulder and choker, but that hair and the way too long biz slacks are really buzzkilling it.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

I legitimately was shocked that Fat Joe was still alive. Joe Crack the Don is looking scary as ever in those pastel blue pants.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards, Arrivals, Madison Square Garden, New York, USA - 28 Aug 2016

What happened to our sweet little JoJo in boys suck graphic tees?

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Red Carpet

YIKES, Nick. Yikes.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

Remember when Cassie was in Step Up 2 the Streets? Lolz.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

This is the VMA’s, not the Met Ball Ansel

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

Naomi’s dress is an actual chair cover.

MTV Video Music Awards 2016

I would pay lots of money to see a chick wear these shoes downtown at the bars and watch her try to walk in them.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

We get it, Joe Jonas. You’re edgy now that you sing about sex. The leather overalls are just unnecessary though. Loveralls.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

I guess MTV awards is the exact place to make this statement since they made Nev famous but like also no one knows who his girl is, so this kind of defeats the purpose of going balls to the wall and showing up to a red carpet topless and about to deliver any second.

BEST

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

Don’t understand a damn thing this bro sings/raps/whatevers but this jacket is fire.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

It took me a minute to get used to this but I’m down now. It’s fun and her nips are covered, which is hard to find on the VMA’s red carpet.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

HASHTAG FINAL FIVEEEEEE. But seriously they all look adorbs and age approps.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Red Carpet

Could’ve done without the slicked hair but Heidi looks like she’s a supermodel or something in this mini.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

All the respect for Alicia Keys rolling through with no makeup (and still looking better than me with a full face of makeup) as well as using her actual bomb ass singing voice onstage, amidst a show full of shitty lip syncers. Real recognizes real.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

Major key: Khaled makes the best dressed solely because he’s not wearing slides with another one printed on them. (read: my standards are rock bottom)

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

I never thought this day would come, but Nicki actually looks good and her buhhole isn’t hanging out.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

Brit looks okay, this jabroni with the open velour shirt can kick rocks right out of here though.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

I’m woman enough to admit when Kimmy K looks good and bitch looks good here.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

Yeah, Nick get IT with that chevron!

2016 MTV Video Music Awards, Arrivals, Madison Square Garden, New York, USA - 28 Aug 2016

Giving a lot of bro love today for their fresh patterned jackets.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Red Carpet

If we’re being honest I think Blue’s outfit crushes Beyonce’s but IT’S NOT A COMPETITION, GUYS.

And since I refuse to dedicate a whole blog to recap here are my tidbits:

-Was there a host? If the host was supposed to be Key & Peele, they clearly have no gauge on when to ditch a bit that was drowning from the beginning.

-The VMA’s should just come out and advertise as the Lip Sync Awards because it’s actually embarrassing how many dance medleys happened with no effort at all to appear like they’re singing. (COUGH COUGH BRITNEY & RIRI)

-Rihanna may have been awarded with the video vanguard (and “performed” too many times to count) but Beyonce was the real winner of last night with her Lemonade medley that brought white girls to their knees.The only thing that could’ve made it better was Jay onstage feeling Queen B’s fur coat wrath.

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-Halsey and the Chainsmokers guy are definitely banging, also they ruined my new fave song of the summer by showing us what their live voices sound like.

-Rihanna could not care less that Drake is so obsessed with her. Seriously, he was like I’ve been in love with you since birth and she was like thanks for the speech, bro.

And lastly, HASHTAG ART.

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Even though you couldn’t physically see my face when I watched this video, pls know that my eyes rolled directly out of my head and down the block.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 8/8/16

1. Dance Goals.

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We had to. #stepup10years

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Step Up is a top five dance movie that made us all believe that we will fall in love with a hunky piece of meat who can toss us around on the dance floor because Jenna and Channing got married. Well they’re keeping the dream alive by recreating the OG Step Up move 10 years later. I don’t ever want to imagine a life where these two don’t dance together every night. First with Lip Sync Battle, now with this, I’ll be disappointed if this isn’t a daily ritual.

2. Phelps wins 1 billion gold medals.

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Michael Phelps is like 100 and still blowing everyone out of the water (PUN INTENDED.) He may have become an internet meme for a hot second, but then he was hey Twitter, suck on my 22 Gold medals, BETCH. This is my sports coverage for the week…a picture of Phelps in da zone aka smelling a fart. It’s probably the best you’re gonna get unless you’d like my unfiltered opinions on Ryan “Jeah” Lochte’s hair (it’s dumb) and THE FINAL FIVE (they have eternal wedgies that make me tug at my own underwear as if I too have a leotard stuffed up my buhhole.) And THAT’s my Olympics coverage. GET ON MY LEVEL, BOB COSTA!

3. NSYNC reunites to remind us they’re old AF.

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JC's 40th… And, if you don't know now you know…

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I would give my left nip for a full-on N*SYNC reunion and this is what they think will satisfy us? A picture that Lance probably had to photobomb because he wasn’t asked to be in it, at JC’s 40th birthday party. FORTY. HOLY COW. Be older, JC. You can’t. Seriously if there can be a tour of Ryan Cabrera and O*Town this summer, then N*SYNC can hit the stage again. I don’t care if it’s half-assed, I mean you could literally start a Vegas residency just for “dancing” like Britney does, as long as you deliver the top N*SYNC hits, I’ll be there with bells on. What I realize now that I’ve typed this out is that I’d probably be fine with just like a bar playing N*SYNC’s discography on a Saturday night. But until then, we’ll always have this pic. Stay golden, JT.

4. Orlando Bloom and Katy Perry show us the goods. A week ago Orlando Bloom let it all hang for a casual paddle boarding adventure in Italy. I didn’t do the JUice last week, but if I did, I probably would’ve included the pic, mostly because it took me about 30 seconds to find the uncensored version and text it to everyone I know. Hey how’s it going? Here’s Orlando Bloom’s impressive D and droolworthy body. Obviously there was no reason for him to be ass naked when Katy Perry was fully clothed, other than the fact that he’s attractive and famous and he can. When in Rome (Sardinia) do as the Romans (Sardinians) do and take your dick out for vacation, I guess. ICYMI, here’s the censored version (that shadow though…) Since I don’t condone porning up my website you can turn to twitter for the full monty. Or my cell phone photos…

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Anyway, this week, Katy Perry was like hey I’ve got a set of tits that everyone probably wants to see, and she was probz feeling upstaged by the amount of attention her boyf’s little nudey row was getting, so she decided to spice it up for a pic. By showing her buttcheek. Really, girl? That’s all you got? STEP IT UP.

 5. JRodg pretending to be famous.

Hey guys, now that they can talk about it, JoJo and Jord are going to vomit their love all over social media. This includes the most awkward hover arm picture of Jordan and his “good Nashville buddy” Brett. No seriously, they’re really tight. Also JoJo looks like a smokeshow and I’m obviously bitter about it.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- A Waste of Three Hours

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“This is when the fireworks went off in each other’s hearts!”

Disclaimer: I overslept this morning and didn’t proofread this. Have at it.

You know how week after week for this entire season (A.C.—after Chad) I’ve complained about how much boring bullshit they’ve packed in to fill two hours? Well, add another hour and you’ve got the finale. I was stressed before this finale, mostly because I didn’t know when to take my ice cream break to pull me through. (I took it when Robby was on camera, obviously.) But also because I knew from the 4 same clips they kept previewing of JoJo crying that they had NOTHIN to fill that airtime. AND BOY WAS I RIGHT. It’s often the case.

In Phuket, Thailand, JoJo’s family has finally arrived. Also there are still a lot of monkeys. Unrelated, but kind of related.

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One monkey is a Robby and the other is a Jordan, and JoJo tells her family that she loves them both. Just a friendly reminder though, she hasn’t told either of the guys! “GOOD FOR YOU!” JoJo’s mom chirps in approval. You hear that, Ben? You big giant dirt bag I Love You slut! (He will never hear the end of that.)

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Jordan & the Red Hat Society

Jordan’s first up for family times and goes in for a bear hug with everyone, including JoJo’s judgey bros. They don’t immediately push him off, so either tey really like him or they were tipped off that he’s a Rodgers and they’re looking for a guest role in Pitch Perfect 3. Jordan gets everyone silly hats to wear because it’s his family tradition to make fun of each other. Do you think that’s why Aaron doesn’t talk to his fam? Because they forced him to wear a Mrs. Nesbitt hat at the dinner table so they could laugh in his face? It seems like an ironclad theory at this point.

mrsnesbitt

JoJo’s mom has had enough of giggle time because she drags Jordan aside immediately to find out if he’s a playboy. Soraya (didn’t know that was her name until they finally flashed that lower third) grabs Jordan’s hand and makes him promise not to break his daughter’s heart. He responds, before or after I ink a sportscaster deal with ESPN? Soraya then expresses her concerns that Jordan would make her daughter feel insecure AF because, “Who doesn’t like Jordan?!” Um, I’m just spitballing here but…Aaron? After talking a BIG game about how important it was for him to ask JoJo’s dad’s for her hand, he chokes real hard and skips on outta there blessing-free.

Robby Lays it on Thick

I don’t know if anyone has heard yet, but Robby loves JoJo. Naturally within 30 seconds of meeting her family he has to tell the detailed story of their date in Uruguay and how he just KNEW that he loved her, and how he hasn’t stfu about it since.

In great family advice, JoJo’s brothers remind her that she’s not picking her new years eve date. No seriously, this is basically all they added to this episode. WHERE ARE THE SASSY BROS OF BEN’S SEASON? They’re dead to me, now. JoJo’s mom didn’t even take a SIP of wine from the bottle. Instead she said things like, “Make JoJo the queen of your heart.” Okay, girl. Maybe you did slip some wine in between takes.

wine

Robby pulls both parents in to ask for the proposal blessing and uses JOELLE so he’s suuuper serious. It’s the cheesiest and most scripted speech ever. It is in between his cliché lines about lifetime love that grows that I truly discover who Robby is. He’s Eddie Haskell from Leave it to Beaver. He flashes those pearly whites and turns it on for the parents, kissing ass and using full names. What a little weiner. Unfortunately JoJo’s dad falls for it and is eager to blow up his daughter’s spot by telling Robby she totally loves him. Then JoJo’s dad boohoos because someone loves his daughter.

eddie-haskell

When JoJo asks for her family’s opinions, they can’t suck Eddie, I mean Robby’s D harder. Papa Fletch is all, “Robby’s the kind of guy you want your daughter to end up with,” I’m assuming because he’s gay, and not a threat. Once JoJo learns everyone is Team Robby she’s like WTF you guys were supposed to pick Jordan! It could not have been more of a classic case of asking someone’s opinion and then when they don’t give you the one you want, you cry about it. So that’s what JoJo did. She cried and said she was confused and can’t pick. JoJo’s sister, who is present the entire time, doesn’t breathe a word. Is she being held hostage?

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Beach Day with Robby

Robby uses his last date to strengthen my hate for him. His opening line is, “Today’s my last day before I propose to Jo.” STOP CHANGING HER NAME. PICK ONE NICKNAME AND STICK WITH IT. Meanwhile, the camera man dives directly into JoJo’s nipples as she strips down to her bikini in preparation of using Thailand’s waters as a lubricant. THIS IS A FAMILY SHOW, YOU PERVS. I could’ve done without facebombing into JoJo’s ample cleavage. We get that enough with each rose ceremony sparkly skintight dress, amirite? To prove that Robby’s not just after JoJo for her body—because he thinks boobs are icky—he paints a picture of what their future would look like. It’s mostly right from a sitcom complete with a bundle of kiddies and a burnt meatloaf. Oh, and wine to make them forget that this is their life as a married couple. Sounds riveting. I’m one year younger than JoJo and if a guy I met a week earlier brought up cooking meatloaf and having kids screaming in the background as our future I would drown myself directly in the Andaman Sea. (BOOM. GEOGRAPHY.) I obviously had to google a map for that reference but whatever.

Anyway, two weeks of vacation really flies by when you’re smooching 27 guys and traveling the world. WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE?! Since it’s been so long since they first met, Robby and JoJo reminisce over 4×6’s of their dates. Robby really wants to hear JoJo say I love you. Too bad, so sad!

Pirating with Jordan

Jojo takes in the sights and feels like this is something she would’ve seen on National Geographic. Don’t try to fool us that you watch anything other than MTV, JoJosephina. The J’s have a serious chat about how Jordan didn’t ask JoJo’s dad for her hand. He just didn’t think it felt right and he won’t ask until he knows it’s a hard yes. JoJo is confused. This is the part in the episode where they make it seem like JoJo isn’t going to pick Jordan. Jordan spends the whole evening portion convincing JoJo he wants her for life and regretting not asking her dad. I consider writing ABC a letter convincing them that all this could’ve been accomplished in a one hour slot.

Neil Lane’s Time to Shine

Jordan (after being shamed so hard) calls JoJo’s parents to ask permission via speakerphone. SO warm and sincere. Then he writes JoJo a notebook style letter and they each take a turn reading it, voiceover style as Jordan coiffed his hair and lint brushes his suit. Robby writes a dumb letter too. Apparently we’re getting into “hit you over the head” notebook reference territory. For the record, a note written on loose leaf on reality TV doesn’t even hold a candle to “I love you, I’ll be seeing you.” So stop trying to make it happen! JoJo reads both and cries declaring she’s having a panic attack.

letter

If you say it, it’s probably not true. I learned that old trick from my brother in law. Anytime I choke on my food (probably because I’m eating it too fast) and cough out “I’m choking”, he’s quick to point out that if I’m talking then I’m breathing and therefore not choking. Facts only. That’s not a panic attack, JoJo. That’s called feeling bad about dumping a human Ken doll on national television.

SURE ENOUGH, Robby’s out of the limo first. BYEBYEBYEBYEBYEBYEBYEBYE!

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JoJo can’t let Robby get down on his knee, so she stops him to sob and tell him she doesn’t want to do this but BOY, BYE. She hasn’t improved one inch at dumping this whole season. JoJo’s heart is PHYSICALLY hurting after that breakup. Of course she already immediately misses him once he leaves.

Jordan shows up as JoJo is still crying a little bit over Robby. One of them declares that love doesn’t need to have scripts…which is nice but this one totally does. She loves him, he loves her, she slides that Neil cushion cut right on her ring fing and then makes a lot of sex moans while they smooch and cuddle. Jordan effortlessly flips her into his arms for a quick jog on the beach as he tells us about “our life” together. OUR IS PLURAL, JORDAN. IT’S LIVES. I let it slide once, but I cannot.

 

AFTER SHOW HIGHLIGHTS

  • Robby painfully asks JoJo several times why she didn’t love him as much as Jordan. It’s sad and cringeworthy. Take a hint, bruh. They cut to Jordan backstage primping his hair and it’s EMBARRASSING. Real talk though: I wonder if Jordan’s hair gets wet in the shower.

  • There’s a slight tease at the next Bachelor just so Chad can get up to point out that his mom died and he’s a marine and he too, deserves love. Chris says how about no? We don’t get a Bachelor announcement, so this after show was worthless.
  • JoJo looks hot AF in a sassy pony. Her and Jordan have gone through some hard times because of all the rumors. Their shelf life is end of BIP and that’s pretty obvious.

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  • Jordan continues to dodge all further questioning about GREEN BAY PACKERS QUARTERBACK AARON RODGERS. It didn’t matter if he said anything because Chris Harrison used that title in full roughly 15 times throughout the episode to get viewers to watch the entire after show. What a con artist. I hope GREEN BAY PACKERS QUARTERBACK AARON RODGERS sues the franchise.
  • JoJo and Jordan are moving in together in Dallas. For now. But more importantly, ABC is sending them back to PENNSYLFUCKINGVANIA. Seriously?! Out of all the places they could go, this is the prize? JoJo squeals in glee. I don’t understand anything. I wish these two nothing but fame.
  • Chris Harrison points out that Ben and Lauren are there no less than 100 times, to remind us that they’re still together and also that they have a reality show coming to the tween network very soon.

PS big ups to JoJo and Jordan for patting themselves on the back for not spoiling the results via Snapchat like Kaitlyn, yet forgetting to mention that this mouth-breathing dum dum did it for them when he gave an interview and revealed that JoJo gets along great with the whole family.

lukerodgers

HOW ARE PEOPLE ALLOWED TO DO INTERVIEWS MID-SEASON? Anyway, see you next season for The Bachelor with Luke. Not Luke Rodgers. THIS Luke.

Luke

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- A Double Kick in the Nuts

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“I got a fantasy suite card and then I got sent home. That’s like pull your pants down and kick me in the nuts.”

Last week we were left with the cliffhanger that JoJo might send her everlasting Nicholas Sparks character home and sPoILeR alert: she did. And that’s when I checked right on out of this season.

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In this scenario, this entire season was the white dog crap and I’VE HAD ENOUGH, JOJO. Luke stutters about seeing a future with her and thinking the magic was real like a wounded baby bird. JoJo is the crusher of all dreams and magic and I nearly reached toward my TV to give Luke a hug. It cut even deeper when his parting words were, “I’m sorry.” DON’T YOU DARE APOLOGIZE TO HER, LUKE!!! YOU WERE NOTHING BUT A PERFECT COWBOY STRAIGHT OUT OF AN EROTICA. JoJo sobs and says she misses him already. TOUGH LUCK, B. (If it wasn’t a trillion times obvious, Luke is top dog for The Bachelor now.)

Thailand

JoJo prays that this week of boning brings her clarity. Girl doesn’t need clarity because by narrowing it down to a guy whose probably gay, a guy who didn’t speak all season, and a famous-adjacent stud, I THINK WE ALL HAVE CLARITY on who she’s gonna give the final rose to.

ROBBY

It rains while Robby and JoJo get Thai massages. There is no happy ending. Later, Robby shows JoJo a letter that his dad snuck into his pants during the home visit. It basically says “You rock, don’t eva change. Love, Dad.” Robby wants JoJo to keep this probably forged letter to show her that his feelings are real. And to remind her that Robby’s “THE MAN!” He gets an invite to sleepover in her mouth. I close my eyes and ears. JoJo claims she’s in love with Robby.

JORDAN

Jordan and JoJo hike to a temple. JoJo modestly covers her shoulders to respect the tradition of Thailand. Her junderwear is totes fine though. Super conservative. It’s a true test of restraint when the two aren’t allowed to kiss in the temple considering just last week they conducted a real moanfest in a library full of high school kids. Instead they talk about JoJo’s parents and brothers…boner killllll. They’re coming out next week to meet the final two and Jordan can’t wait to show how much he loves JoJo. I’m appalled that it took this long for a JoBro’s cameo. Even farmer Chris’s country sisters with Kate Plus Eight haircuts had guest appearances during his season, and they had faces for radio. The bros BETTER deliver next week.

During dinner, JoJo freaks out because when she asks Jordan where he sees himself in a year, he’s like dunno! I guess it’s a turn off that her man doesn’t have a job. Makes total sense since she’s falling in love with a former swimmer and a former quarterback. Aim high. Also, of course she loves Jordan too. But she refuses to pull a Higgins and keeps her lips zipped. She does not, however, keep her pants zipped (I know, girl never wears pants, just go with the metaphor…it flows better) because Jordan gets dat fantasy suite. The morning after, JoJo recycles the same line she used on Robby, “we’re eating our first breakfast together!!!!!” So that’s really authentic. The producers give us gratuitous shots of Jordan shirtless on his balcony and as I believe the great Quinn King once said, the panties of America drip in unison.

CHASE

JoJo thinks Chase is SUPER playful because he pretends to eat a dead fish. Lolerz. That Chase! He always has some goofy bit up his sleeve! Chase s l o w l y tells us how JoJo’s personality and sex appeal are unstoppable. Someone’s thirsty AF for that fantasy suite. They frolic and dry hump in the water.

Robby steals time during the day of Chase, essentially just to further make me want to vomit. He just missed JoJo so much. He also needed a little more screen time to workshop what he should call her. We’ve gotten a variety of Jo, Joelle, Joj and it’s getting cringeworthy watching him figure out which nickname feels right. Answer: none of them. Pls take your glowing teeth and go away, Robby.

rossteeth

After Robby interruptus, Chase reads the fantasy suite card because we haven’t heard it read aloud twice already this episode. It’s about as necessary as Chris Harrison entering every single week just to remind us that we’re on the last rose. At any rate, in the suite, Chase tells JoJo that he loves her and he admits he’s never said that to someone first before and with that, sealed his fate to leave Thailand and all it’s fishy smell behind. Lookin at you, JoJo. No but seriously, vag jokes aside, JoJo promptly breaks up with Chase. No booty for him. And if you’re looking for a little #MotivationMonday, look no further than Chases’ response: “So now love equals get the fuck out?” Golf clap. Enjoy your years of therapy, Chaseroni. JoJo sobs of course then follows him out to the car, refusing to let him leave on his own terms. After watching this 40 minutes earlier with Luke, I’ve had just about enough with JoJo’s breakup tactic. The guys aren’t supposed to comfort you when you’re breaking up with them, JoJo. That’s not how this works. Cut the cord and let Chase enjoy his road soda in peace.

 

Rose Ceremony 2.0

And the battle of the tight ankle pants and fluffy hair commences. I mean seriously, could these two do anything to stand out? They’re wearing matching G-D blue and khaki outfits like they work at the resort. Even Chase gets the memo as he interrupts JoJo’s soliloquy about dumping him. Chase isn’t back to ask for a second chance, he just wants to secure his place in the running for The Bachelor. If he ousts Luke for the title, there’s no telling what I’ll do. (I’ll watch the season and make fun of him every week, obviously.) Anyway, Chase leaves again and JoJo returns to use her annoying baby voice to give out both roses to her twin boyfriends.

 

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Now let’s all get ready for what’s really important…the return of Chad in all his torso-tossing glory to our TV’s.

chadchelorette

 

 

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- The One Without Aaron Rodgers

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“I know that Aaron won’t be there, but I’m excited to meet everyone else.”-The greatest lie ever told.

It’s time to hit up those hometowns and see how JoJo will adapt her style to each part of the country and what sibling will say something inapprops…spoiler alert: it won’t be THAT famous footballer. But first, let’s check in with Chase who’s managed to cling on to his spot in the final four despite lacking a personality. Looks are everything.

Chase: Highlands Ranch, CO

Chase and JoJo chitchat on a rock in the picturesque mountains about Chase’s parents and their messy divorce. It’s tough for Chase to talk about but JoJo rewards him with some tongue. The parents have to meet JoJo separately (in the same house?) so they don’t kill each other, Lifetime movie style. Chase goes on and on about how his dad wasn’t around much growing up but as soon as he sees him, he’s all up in his shit and tells dear old dad that he wants to be just like him. Hey Chase,

Then he asks how to not get divorced and kicks JoJo out so he can have a catch with his dad or something. If you thought that was touching then I’ll fix that real quick with an inspirational quote courtesy of Chases’ mom. It goes a little something like, “If you’re not having fun then you just need to have fun…cause…” Gr8 point. JoJo couldn’t agree more though because she wants to be gal pals with Chase’s mom SAH bad. The feeling is mutche because the mom gives JoJo a rave review—cause JoJo loves dogs and hates fish. WIFEY MATERIAL. Chase talks about how hard it is to say I love you since the big D (divorce, ya pervs), which makes it that much more cringeworthy when he FINALLY tells JoJo because we know he ain’t winnin. Also Chase and his mom cry a lot—which totes isn’t their style but now it is because they just did it on national TV.

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Jordan: Chico, CA

JoJo’s never heard of Chico, California but they have DEER! I thought I was watching Kaitlyn flap away from a bird in terror until I figured out those were JoJo’s flailing arms of glee just because some deer were playing in a park. Jordan takes her back to his high school where he obviously was the kewl and popular football player. They make out in the library and JoJo groans a lot. It seems particularly inappropriate until Jordan leads her to what I assume is an athletic office or football locker room covered from wall to wall in old pictures of high school football players. Look, I’m not not hinting at chomo vibes but I feel like in general we should all be more concerned about this shrine to football players past, featuring all the Rodgers bros. JoJo’s like oh, look your brother (he who shall not be named) and Jordan’s like k let’s go, date’s over. Jk he wasn’t that dramats but he did refuse to discuss it. JoJo tables it until she can approach every member of the family regarding the forgotten (yet most famous) Rodgers bruh.

Once JoJo meets the entire fam (but not REALLY the entire fam), Jordan’s mom, who could easily be a massage therapist with that soothing voice, tells stories of how Jordan was the spicy child who threatened to run away when he was little. What kid hasn’t threatened to run away? I did once and my parents were like cool, it’ll save us some money, good luck ya little turd. Anyway, JoJo hammers Luke about the Aaron sitch and Luke won’t speak of their brother that is dead to them either. Such a dramatic group. More importantly, what’s the best way to take the frontrunner with the fluffy hair down a peg or two? Show a pic of him as a serial killer.

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In summary: Aaron may not have been there physically, but JoJo made sure his presence was felt by the NUMBER of times she dropped his name. Also, she still has doubts that Jordan is a playyyaaaaaa and won’t want forever. Double also: Luke is trying to have the same hair as Jordan. Sucks2Suck Aaron, you’re not in the Rodgers swoopy hair club, YOU LOSER.

lukerodgers

 

Robby: St. Augustine, FL

Ugh. Robby’s still here. They take a carriage ride and every time Robby speaks I want to shut my ears off. JoJo is concerned that she’s just filling the void of his ex-girlfriend who he dropped like a month before filming. Burn city from Robby though shitting on his ex and saying he hasn’t thought about his relationship or missed her once. Woof.

Robby and JoJo walk into the house like they’re f’ing Mr & Mrs Claus with the number of gifts they’re holding. No wonder every cousin, friend or neighbor Robby has ever spoken to is there. Then Robby the frozen Ken doll turns melodramatic real quick. You know how much sleep Robby’s gotten? 0. You know how many panic attacks he’s had? A LOT GUYS. A LOT. JoJo tells his mom that she’s falling in love with him, which is stupid. Since Robby’s entire existence on this show revolves around his ex-GF, his mom breaks the news that there are rumors he dumped her for the show. Robby runs in to tell JoJo what APPARENTLY happened. I wish I was drinking wine instead of crushing a bowl of ice cream because I would’ve been so drunk off of the apparently drinking game. JoJo obviously freaks the F out because she was already worried about this. Robby reassures her that it’s all lies all while managing to trash Hope again by saying their relationship was over 9 months before it really ended. JoJo forgives him or whatever.

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Luke: Burnet, TX

JoJo is wearing cutoffs and cowboy boots for her return to her roots, or a basic bitch country concert. Either way I think we can all agree that Texas JoJo is the hottest JoJo. Even Luke keeps bringing up how her outfit makes his pants tight…which could be awkward considering that he surprised JoJo by throwing a backyard hootinannny with 50 of his closest friends. JoJo really jacks up her southern drawl because Texas Forever. Luke’s sister is a smokeshow, fist bumps to the Pell parents for creating that gene pool.

And then the real movie begins. Luke pulls JoJo away to tell her that he wants their future together. “I want us” he drawls as he pulls her in for a deep kiss while the sun sets on the farm. Is this a G-D scene from The Longest Ride? Interns set up a walkway of candles to a flower heart so that Luke can have his movie magic moment for when he tells JoJo that he’s falling in love with her. There’s not a dry pair of undies in the world. Except apparently for JoJo’s as she declares at the rose ceremony that Luke’s gotta go. WHAT?! Are we missing something?! That Texas hunk must’ve gotten a producer tip that he’s on the chopping block and pulls JoJo aside right away to tell her he loves her. Well played, bro.

JoJo then has a Grade A bachelorette meltdown (in a dress fit for a Vegas ice dancer) because now she doesn’t know who to send home. WHO IS GOING TO BE A GOOD HUSBAND? WHAT IF SHE MAKES THE WRONG DECISION? She just DOESN’T know!!! I know! Pick Luke, you big idiot. He’s a southern gent who lives in the same state as you and hasn’t said one wrong thing this entire season. Don’t be a moron. But of course we’ll have to wait until next week to find out THE BIG DECISION of who will be gettin’ some in a Sandals resort suite. Big ups for whoever decided to give us a double whammy next week  with sex on Monday night and Chad on Tuesday night. That better make up for this to be continued garbage.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- Not Anybody’s Goocho

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It’s been a couple of weeks but we’re still in Buenos Aires and unfortunately last episode’s bitch rose ceremony wasn’t all a dream and Alex and James still squeaked through with pity roses. Chris Harrison earns his paycheck by stopping by to tell the boys how many dates there will be this week. Good work, Chris. Alex can CTFD because he finally got his one on one. Or in Chases’ words: dude, shut up. Stop bitching. I like Chase. He can kick it for a while.

I Gaucho On My Mind with Alex

On their “road trip” aka cab ride, they have a thumb war (JoJo loves a good thumb war), do Pringles duck lips aaand JoJo says it’s like sharing the backseat with her little brother. She didn’t say little but…come on. She also didn’t outright say brother, but we all knew it. At one point Alex horribly tries to rap and she’s like k let’s play the quiet game.

The boys have to take a bus to wherever it is that they’re going. They get road sodas though, so it’s ok. Robby is wearing white old woman open toed slippers. So he’s really dressed for the ride. Definitely gave him mad street cred when the bros started freestyling about Alex needing a stool to get into a sidecar. OooOoh THIRD DEGREE BURN courtesy of white boys rappin.

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On the date, they arrive at a Spanish word for ranch…at least JoJo thinks that’s what it means. WHERE ARE THE CUE CARDS, GUYS?! I didn’t know what Gauchos actually are but I shot out some T’s and P’s that they weren’t referring to the extra wide stretchy pants that I found approps to wear to Easter dinner with kitten heels in 2007. It turns out, it was worse than I imagined. A gaucho is someone who’s born to stroke horses and maybe sneak a kiss in too.

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Producers force Alex to dress the part, as if he’s not still reeling from getting a pity rose. JoJo throws on a pair of suede leggings and calls Alex a “cute little gaucho” and that’s pretty much when I declared it was curtains for Alex. The two lil goocho’s snuggle and make out on top of the horse that has just been stroked and might actually be dead. I wondered how it was that I ended up in the bestiality section of YouJizz. It would be kewl if going forward, JoJo didn’t use a horse as a bed.

After the horse has been dragged away to the glue factory, Alex tells JoJo that he’s falling in love with her and then adds in that he fell in love with her the second he saw her, which is laying it on real thick. Let’s T it down Alex, you were put on this show to rival Chad and by God’s grace you clung on until now. It was crickets city from JoJo and we all know that we’ve reached the point of no return. She’s not feelin it because she has more chemistry with her brothers than she has with lil Al and feels it’s more respectful to send him home now. Realistically it would’ve been more respectful to all of us if she didn’t ask him to kiss her while lying on a lifeless horse, but who am I to judge. Alex takes it really well. Jk he leaves angry, kind of like how he spent this entire season.

 Let’s Toast to Love with Jordan

Jordan gets the romantic wine country date and if it’s not obvious at this point that he’s one half of the bottom two, then we haven’t been watching the same show. They grape stomp but no one falls and screams so it’s actually not entertaining at all. (Had to sneak this in because it still makes me laugh to the point of tears. Sorry not sorry.)

JoJo gets into Jordan’s barrel because she can’t stand to not be touching him at all times. I’m fine with that because I would’ve done the same. What I’m not okay with is when they go ahead and drink each other’s chunky feet grapes. AND THEY LIKED IT. I’m appalled and disgusted until I realize that they probably think it’s wine. If you could make wine just from doing the running man over some grapes, I would turn my kitchen into a G-D vineyard. JoJo was probably like oohhh I’m feelin it, that wine was strong! As she chews on a mushy grape. Feeling the high from those toe jam grapes, they hop into the conveniently placed vineyard hot tub. Jordan wants JoJo to meet his mama. That’s what he’s thinking about as they grind their wet bodies on each other in the hot water.

Later, Jordan brings up double A for the first time this season basically. And it comes out that he doesn’t have a relationship with Aaron, which I’m sure is really good press for his more famous bro to have your family saying you don’t spend any time with them. Cliff notes version: According to Jordan no one talks to Aaron and he’s all sorts of F’ed up after living life in Aaron’s shadow. I wonder if this is why Jordan felt the need to have swoopy hair. ~~Livin in, livin in, livin in the ShAdOw~~

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Even though that was some juicy celeb gossip to air all over television, what was more entertaining was the way Jordan introduced the topic by saying, you won’t be meeting my middle brother and JoJo puts on a calm & cool performance of a lifetime with her response, “you mean, Aaron?” Oh IDK, is that his name, JoJo?! Every viewer groans at the thought of no Aaron or Olivia appearances on next week’s hometown visit. Oh yeah, and Jordan says he is “so in love with JoJo.” JoJo’s basically like, samesies.

Let Our Love Soar with Chase, James, Robby

The weather forecast ruins the date that probably was never planned for the three “other guys”. James Tay stops talking for just enough time to shove 100 french fries in his yapper because that’s how you get girls. I shed a tear for so many wasted fries and had to physically stop myself from doing a McD’s run for some of my own. The rest is an 8th grade slumber party. The only thing missing was a choreographed dance and Bonnebell glitter rollerballs. In truth or dare, Robby’s dared to run the hallway in his undies…YAWN. We saw more skin on Damn Daniel when he stripped to a speedo on night one. James feels threatened by Robby’s Ken doll abs, so he narcs to JoJo about Robby’s wandering eye. It pretty much backfires when James gets the bottom of the bed for their group snuggle.

JoJo asks Robby about his ex who he dated for three years. They broke up over Christmas break, because apparently Robby is still in college. Even though they just broke up like 2 months before filming, he’s totes over it. Chase “really, really likes” JoJo and does want to spend the rest of his life with her. Cause marriage is totes the result of xoxo’ing someone in your aim profile, which is essentially what Chase just declared. James Tay wants to know why it feels like there’s no chemistry between them and JoJo spins a web of lies that’s like you’re really nice and you like me so our relationship is great. What James misses is what she doesn’t say and that’s “I’m not attracted to you.” It’s unfortunate that he misinterprets that and feels so confident because it’s crystal clear that he’s outtie five thou in the next rose ceremony.

The boys debate who will get roses and it turns into a heated argument about how each guy should think they’re a frontrunner or GTFO. I don’t know who deemed Robby the Coach Taylor in this scenario, but I could’ve done without his pre-rose pep talk. Robby the self-proclaimed frontrunner gets the rose and I’m never more turned off than I am when watching him and JoJo smooch. I’ll give him one more week before I riot.

Horse Play with Luke

As is typs for her dates with Luke, JoJo is horned up for everything that he does. The way he handles the horses, how he shoots, how he coaches her to shoot, she just can’t. She CANNOT stop soaking her undies. Luke shares that he doesn’t have an LP after this show but he’d like to figure it out with JoJo and she’s all about that because she knows that every Bach alum ends up being paid to make appearances for the rest of their lives, so that works best when someone isn’t tied down to a career. It also opens the door for Luke to become the next Bachelor should he be left hanging in the finale. Wink.Well played, Luke.

Rose Ceremony

Robby, Luke, Jordan, Chase

(You think maybe James is rethinking the whole deepthroating a plate full of fries tactic?)

Since ABC likes to toe the line (Robby mooned us, LOL OMG) there’s a bonus scene during the credits of a closed door with JoJo moaning on and on about how good that feels. PSYCH GUYS, IT’S JUST HER GETTING A HEAD MASSAGE!! LOLOLOL but seriously though remember when Kaitlyn O’ed with a mic pack still on? Get on her level, JoJo. No more of this Disney play with my hair shit. When the door is closed I expect you to be getting some.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- Derek Cries for Argentina, A Lot

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We have arrived in Buenos Aires: Where men in berets ride donkeys (probably to work), also where JoJo wears a skintight red dress, and open white trench coat while petting strange dogs in a park. She’s one with culture.

Besame, Besame, Muchacho with Wells

Wells admits he’s the only one who hasn’t kissed JoJo and essentially gives every other guy a chance to judge him real hard and razz him in front of JoJo, which is basically social suicide. The boys spend FAR too long talking about how much smooch pressure there is. And Wells admits he was waiting for the perfect moment to kiss JoJo, thus putting TONS of pressure on it. I mean it’s totally sweet that Wells is thinking like a rom com, but we should probably quickly remind him that JoJo has been AGGRESSIVELY swapping spits with roughly 15 other guys the entire time she’s been dating Wells. Therefore, romance is dead. About as dead as being super awkward and anticipating a kiss on a performance art date. Finally, while sloshing around a see through pool together and weirdly slopping into each other, they kiss. THAT was the moment?! Rly? Anyway, later on, Wells gets sweaty and talks about his past relationship. He says obviously passion fades in relationships and JoJo is like uh uh honey. He does not get rosed. JoJo wah wahs about it while a dramatic montage of their date plays and she stands in the middle of a crowd while it rains. WHAT JUST HAPPENED?! Did JoJo suddenly step into a music video? We’ll never know. (Nor do I want to.)

Living La Vida Boca with Luke, Robbie, Jordan, James, Alex

James Tay and his jheri curl are feeling super self-conscious being surrounded by a bunch of babes with the same haircut. They play a little futbol with the locals where Jordan pulls his shirt over his head for a six-pack showdown and Alex immediately copies him because Alex is a tryhard. James makes a goal and gets to kiss JoJo in front of everyone and show the other bros you don’t need chiseled abs to get closed mouth kiss the girl…but like it doesn’t hurt your chances either.

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At the night portion of the date, camera one is specifically angled to catch JoJo’s wandering hand as it roams near Luke’s dick while they chat. He pours his heart out about how much he loves being on the show and JoJo just keeps caressing him and kissing him. GET THE HINT LUKE SHE WANTS TO BANG SO STOP TALKING. JoJo says she’s running out of words to describe the passion between her and Luke but she doesn’t really need words when we see his hand creeping up her skirt, and him grabbing a fistful of her ass plus the fact that she wouldn’t even let him speak without putting her hands in his lap. James uses his alone time with JoJo to bitch about Jordan giving the wrong rules to a card game or something. He goes on a rant about how Jordan’s a celebrity and everyone should bow down to him. Obviously he sounds like a whiny little b. Then he asks to kiss JoJo. I think James’ time has expired on this show. (To be clear I thought that week one but there were bigger fish to fry then ahem, Evan.) Naturally, JoJo immediately tattles to Jordan to ask what’s up with the card game kerfuffle because apparently her suitors live in a nursing home and fight over a game of Uno or something. Jordan says he’s not entitled as JoJo runs her fingers through his luscious locks. What’s great about this season is that we don’t need to guess who JoJo will be bringing to the fantasy suites because she physically can’t keep her hands off them, even when she’s pretending to have a serious conversation about their character. Jordan returns to sit on a tiny couch with James and swishes his white wine spritzer around in his glass at warp speed while everyone else has the uncomfies. Then after his wine has been thoroughly tossed, they have it out on baby couch. Agree to disagree on the rules of Poker, boys. Luke gets rosed.

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It Takes Two with Derek and Chase

Professional dancers perform a threesome tango and I’m pretty sure we saw the female dancers’ cooch, which was confirmed when the camera panned to Chase shouting “WHOA” with wide eyes. Must be his first peek at foreign vag. PS I went to a pole dancing class this weekend and the instructor kept saying cooch, so I’m bringing that back real hard. Since JoJo can’t decide who she wants to have relations with, she forces Chase and Derek to dance fight for her. This got me jazzed, imagining Center Stage’s final sassy dance, guessing who would be the one to ride the motorcycle onto the stage (Chase, obviously). Unfortunately, watching them push JoJo back and forth between two inches of space was the most anti-climatic thing I’ve ever had to watch. I kept waiting on the edge of my seat for them to bring down the house. Show us a little canned heat! Wag your finger at the boys when they get too grabby, JoJo! But nope, even though JoJo was wearing a red dress, it was certainly no Cooper-Jody-Charlie sensual showdown.

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VS.

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In one on one time, Derek tells JoJo he’s falling for her. On the other hand, Chase gets scolded for not giving JoJo’s feelings validation or reciprocation. Chase gets the rose. Makes sense, right? Derek has a suuuper depressing limo farewell with “I’m Derek and Derek is imperfect” and “WHY am I crying?!” cross-cut with a singer belting “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” and Chase/JoJo touching all up on each other. Brava for the juxtaposition between Derek’s sopping wet tears and that song. BRAVA.

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Cocktail Party

Jordan takes her aside to say he should win this because he deserves to. JK he says he’s falling for her LIKE EVERYONE ELSE obviously. Alex says he was mad he hasn’t gotten a one on one or a group date rose yet. I’m mad Alex is still on this show.

Roses

Luke, Chase, Robbie, Jordan……DRAMATIC EXIT to tell Chris that they both suck and she doesn’t want to give this rose out. YAAASSSSS. BYE James & Alex! Luke & Jordan for the final two. Boooyahhhhh.

Those are all the celebratory words I typed before I realized that she was actually asking Chris for two roses to keep both of those turds around. Alex feels like he has a pity rose and HE’S NOT WRONG. CLEAN IT UP, JOJO. Stop trying to throw us off the scent that your bottom four will be Chase, Robby, Jordan and Luke. Also, turn up your gaydar a notch around Robby. Jus Sayin.

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