Red Carpet

Oscars 2021 Red Carpet

I gotta be honest we better be winding down on this rescheduled awards season because I’m running out of free trials I can sign up for just to watch them. And if I’m being REALLY honest, I wasted a free trial on this one. I had high hopes. I know, you’re probably saying, LEARN YOUR LESSON ALREADY, JULIA. ALL AWARDS SHOWS STINK. And normally you’re right. But we all know I could never skip out on an event that involves celebrities and the potential for gossip. PLUS, they were really amping up the “no zoom” aspect of this one. I’m so thirsty for a live awards show without a wall full of screens and awkward delays that I actually got excited for the Oscars. I’m here to report it was the LARGEST of disappointments. I’m not sure if Hollywood Libs just weren’t comfortable attending in person (I mean, we all know they’ve been vaccinated and get tested 24/7 anyway by their on-staff doctors) or if they just want to make it LOOK like they’re not comfy but basically no one showed up to this thing. We have about 4 big names, no host, and the thing played like we were watching a livestream of a work conference for actors.

It was D-R-Y as shiiiiiiiittttt. On top of the fact that they were really trying to create a “storyteller” vibe to the evening giving each nominee a 20 minute backstory, they also STOPPED REGULATING ACCEPTANCE SPEECHES. Do you know what happens when you don’t have a musical cue to tell people in show biz to STFU? They don’t STFU. They just keep talking. For-EV-er. So anyway, joke’s on me for signing up for FuboTV for one night of a 4 hour TedTalk on the art of movies. I’ll save you that torture and try to keep the red carpet short and sweet. There’s a handful of nobodies in here simply because I either loved their outfit or hated it. That’s how I decided to include someone in my fashion critique when I have no clue who they are. The ladies were having a RED HAWT night and that pretty much sums up the outfits for the worst Oscars ever.

WORST

chloe-zhao

This may seem contradictory to my style because I’ve been known to slap on a pair of kicks for any occasion but also IT’S THE OSCARS. Walking the red carpet like you just stepped off the farm is pushing it a little too far. I’m not saying you need to be a Glam-azon but an effort wouldn’t hurt here.

Erica-Rivinoja

This lady with the lizard-under-attack neck is also carrying a SHRIMP clutch. And honestly I might’ve considered tossing her on the best dressed just for that accessory if it looked like an actual shrimp. Details are what puts asses in the seats and this what looks to be pencil drawing of a shrimp with a chunky white outer layer is just not cutting it.

margot

I don’t think I realized I was in a snarky as hell mood until I started writing these worst dressed captions. Maybe if I didn’t get tricked into watching this informational awards show I’d be kinder to the fashion choices of Hollywood. Probz not though. For example, Margot looks great in this dress but she decided to get bangs and I feel as though she needs to be punished for that choice. Not only are bangs always a terrible decision, but doing this weird pull my hair back but let it also wisp into the breeze further accentuated the hard bang. You’re in timeout, Margot.

Martin-Desmond-Roe

Travon-Free

It’s important for me to note that not one but TWO gentlemen dressed like actual f*cking bumblebees. It’s important because I was personally victimized by a carpenter bee this week in my own home and NOW THIS?! This feels like an attack and I will not stand for it. I was forced to sleep on my couch hiding from this fuzzy monster as it took over my bedroom and then just when I thought I was safe after three days of not hearing his aggressive lawnmower buzzing, he dared to reappear casually to remind me that this is his apartment now. I trapped him under a glass and HE IS STILL NOT DEAD, Y’ALL. This bee has been pacing the circle of the glass for DAYS now as if he’s simply doing time for his actions. I’ve basically become a sociopath bee murderer slowly torturing this mf’er to death all because I was terrified to swat at his crunchy body. And although I’m sure there’s some meaning behind this duo of black and yellow tuxes, the real meaning is that I will forever be haunted by this bee who lives underneath my desk now.

Questlove

Spraypainting your crocs gold does not make them couture, QUESTLOVE. Also your outfit looks like something Rosie O’Donnell would wear circa 1998 when she had her own talk show. Boom. Roasted.

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Had no clue Regina was kicking off the show (or that there was no host) until a camera dramatically followed her on a very long walk into the venue and up onto the stage. Her strut was a 10/10, this dress is like a 5/10. The jewels look tacky and those sleeves…WOOF.

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Color of the dress is great, WAY too much fabric and that.HAIR. WHAT IS HAPPENING IN HOLLYWOOD?! Are these actresses showing up in character and I just missed the memo? Like on what planet is that hairstyle attractive?!

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A glitter turtleneck. That is all.

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This feels a little trashy for the Oscars. This is more a VMA’s dress.

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Girl looks like an evil Disney witch with these textures and sleeves. All that’s missing is the Maleficent headdress.

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Why the hell is she wearing almost a full length dress with pants underneath? This is LA so I would assume it’s probably 75 degrees there. Is this an old people thing? Do their shins get chilly? (PS I’m MAD that I finally cut the cord on the Oscars with an hour left last night because I couldn’t possibly bear one more minute and THAT’S WHEN Glenn Close decides to twerk that pants-covered ass and curse up a storm. WHYYYYYYYY.)

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Another Disney villain situation and oh my lanta, is that a HEART in her hands?! Creepmaster 101.

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Rapey shades + a 70’s belted flight suit + THUMBS UP pose = puke in my hands.

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Again if I’m not in love with the cutouts of the coral dress, I’m not down with this lingerie lewk. Showgirl City,  Population: Andra.

zendaya

Sorry for the tiny pic but the full sizer was a side view and I wanted everyone to see the full drama that is a bandeau top and skirt. Too much drama, if you ask me.

BEST

lauradern

LAURA YOU BLACK SWAN QUEEN, YOU!

Lee-Isaac-Chung-Valerie-Chung

Both look great but I’m really digging her shiny dress with the red lip.

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This entire outfit screams I have a library in my home and I really like it a LOT. 

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What a babe soda power couple. Even better, Riz fixed his lady’s hair for her on the red carpet so she’d look flawless for the paps without a hair out of place. What a keeper.

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This begins the hot red portion of the evening and everyone who went red absolutely crushed it. Also, not for nothing but her cleavage looks like it’s painted on.

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Reese usually plays it pretty safe with a strapless black or royal blue gown so she’s really spicin things up here with this red ombre. HOT TAMALE!

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The sleeves are preeetttty ridiculous but they somehow work with the sleek shape of the rest of the dress.

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Ooh baby those cutouts are sexxxxxy. Loving the details and the shape of this gown.

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What a magical, whimsical forest fairy! Bonus points for her referencing an acceptance speech she wrote when she was younger and thanking her supportive husband Zack Morris. Brits are so casj cool and funny. I want to be her friend.

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Other than bumblebee dumb and dumber, not a whole lot of dashing man fash on the red carpet so when I saw this hot pink jazz I got VERY excited. And the sparkle on top of that?! I basically had to fan myself.

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These two look hot as hell together and they’re each serving a whole look. 

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Gun to my head I could never come up with a name for this individual but she DID get the red memo and I appreciate the shit out of it.

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Close call – this was almost my pick for best look of the night. I can never hide my boner for princess gowns.

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Credit where credit is due for this man scarf POPPIN’ that golden accent.

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I’ve definitely waxed poetic before about how much I respect a hoodie as a fashion statement because I was repressed as a child from wearing my hood up around the house. But ON TOP of that we’ve got an electric blue jumpsuit that is BO$$.

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Could definitely do without the tummy peekaboo but very into the dramatics of the dark lip with a pastel gown. If you added a hood to this look I’d be foaming at the mouth.

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I’m living for the color coordination here. As someone who changes her scrunchie to match her loungewear perfectly every day, I love that shes’s maroon from head to toe. A true maroutfit.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

She IS an Oscar and I gasped when I saw this puffy skirt that could most definitely be hiding another person underneath it. What a flawless statement.

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Red Carpet

Grammys Red Carpet 2021

Still riding this hybrid awards show format that makes things NICE and awkward. Wonder if Biden will declare awards season back by May 1st as well. I’ll stay tuned for that announcement. Either way, I forced both parents to watch because I didn’t want to be the only one who was far too old for each and every performance. It really paid off because watching my mother take in the WAP performance was all the entertainment I’ve ever needed and more. Horrified doesn’t even begin to describe her reaction. For a “picture is worth a thousand words” moment, here’s WAP, Grammy’s edition…which is basically an entirely new song because CBS isn’t really down with the p*ssy euphamisms, surprisingly.

It was at this particular moment that my mom wondered aloud, are these two gonna bang? It was a fair question. They did not though. *Spoiler ALERT* Anyway, other than that colorful performance, a whimsical Taylor Swift singing on the roof of a moss-covered house, John Mayer not being able to rip a solo as hard as I wanted him to in his duet with Maren and a rousing rendition of rockstar that included some SASSY older women in a choir that stole the show…the Grammys were a can-miss event. Including the fashion…

WORST

lizzo

Hate to do this to my gurl Lizzo but the skirt of this dress is KILLING ME. It brings back TERRIBLE flashbacks to the mid-calf jersey skirts with this style back in the early 2000’s. HIDEOUS. 

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Tacky prom dress. Also my mom tried to tell me last night that Maren wasn’t as bad as I always say she is and I almost tackled her out of the room. The rule is agree with me on my celebrity hot takes or get the hell out of the room and everyone knows it.

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I love the underneath layer dress but this mosquito netting with butterflies all over it is weird and shapeless.

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I puked in my hands when I saw this. It looked a lot like the bottom half of this dress.

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WELCOME TO THE RENAISSANCE FAIRE DON’T FORGET YOUR TURKEY LEG!

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I made my mom weigh in on this one because I could’ve been swayed either way. She said she liked it up until the hat. It was the Christmas-colored hat that did her in on this one and I agree. Suit is fire, hat took a giant dump on it.

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I LOOOOOOOOATHE BUTT BOWS. This color is poppin, she’s rockin a leg moment as only Megan THEE Stallion can do with those thicc gams of hers, jewels are good, pieces of hair in the face are bullshit but THAT BOW IS ABSOLUTE GARBAGE. 

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Noah Cyrus just rolled out of bed and grabbed the hotel sheets, puffed them up a little bit and hit the red carpet.

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Are these doves flying all over her dress or just paper mache? We may never know.

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These three look like they literally stepped out of the movie Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century. I’ve never been more appalled by a pastel moment but matching kitten heels really sealed the deal.

BEST

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I could do without the tan riding boots here but the suit is fire and she’s rocking it.

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SpOoKy ScArY sKeLeToNzZ. I laughed out loud when I saw this. And I wanted to slam this lewk so hard but then it turned into respect. She’s wearing a designer dress with sparkly skeleton bones on it…and her hair matches it perfectly. It didn’t take long to flip me into a believer. Plus I love a dark lip moment. It all just goes together so well that I say bring on the dancing skeletons. Hope this bad boy also glows in the dark.

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I’m putting my personal differences aside right now to declare Miranda a total babe soda on this red carpet. This BIG of me because she’s still a raging homewrecker who steals everyone’s husbands. But she looks good here…boobs and leg on point.

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I WANT THIS ENTIRE OUTFIT. The only disappointment here is those kicks. She should have pastel tie dye sneaks to top off the statement and I’m shocked she doesn’t. Nike better start selling this shit in Teej RULL QUICK so I can get on her level for my weekly grocery store trip.

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You can’t see it here underneath her teased hair but Bey basically wore a couple of lifesize Grammys dangling from her ears. It was a wee bit distracting. The leather looks hawt as hell tho and Queen B made history last night for most grammys EVER won, nbd but hbd.

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 I laughed out loud at this dweeb-asaurus in his baggy suit coat flashing the peace sign. His girlfriend looks fabulous and that’s really how they made it to the best dressed list. Pro tip: always have a piece on your arm to distract from the fact that you look like you’re on the way to marching band practice.

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Pink suit is F I R E flames.

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Harry went nips out for his performance which got a LOT of ladies and gents excited but I much preferred this Cher from Clueless vibe, with a feather boa of course.

taylor-swift-at--grammys-2021-pictures

Taylor knocked my socks off (not like it was hard with the cast of characters that walked the red carpet) but I saw those stems strut onstage for her win and I think a little bit of drool fell out of my mouth. Spring came early with this dress and she nailed her performance look as well:

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There’s 0 good pictures of this dress but it was a 10/10. Shiny and woodsy without being a weird nightgown like she’s been wearing in her music videos. The gold headband really pulled the whole fairytale together and helped distract from her blunt bangs and bare feet.

 

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Golden Globes Red Carpet 2021

GAWDDDD Covid has ruined just about everything on this earth and awards season is obviously included in that. The shitty post-holiday winter months suck so hard because there’s no Christmas cheer but there is a shit-ton of snow and cold and yet for a loser like me, awards szn helps make it not so terrible. The weather outside may be dismal but at least I could count on the warm embrace of my judgment bubble as I roast celebrity fashion choices at the Globes, Grammys, Oscars & SAG Awards. Those were the days. Obviously Covid went and cancelled/postponed most major awards shows yet for some reason the Globes were like WE WILL SOLDIER ON…virtually. And boy oh boy does virtual TV blow the big one. Nothing is more painful than watching people get interviewed on a Zoom delay or an opening monologue delivered by people on two different coasts to a room of strangers. HALF THE FUN OF THE MONOLOGUE IS THE STUFFY CELEBRITY REACTIONS TO GETTING ZINGED. Ugh. Anyway, here’s all I could manage for the red carpet. Sorry if it sucks, it’s Hollywood’s fault.

WORST

 

elizagonzales

Can appreciate this sassy leg pose but cannot appreciate her lady lumps being outlined on an evening gown, sorry dawg.

ellefanning

I mean an effort was made here and we need to first and foremost acknowledge this magazine cover photoshoot. That being said, this dress is giving me ice dancer vibes and I’m not over the moon for it but it is certainly elegant. 

rosamund

After watching I Care A Lot –which I immediately recommended to everyone I’ve ever met — I cannot stand this sharp AF bob. If you’ve seen the movie, you’ll understand why as she plays maybe the most hateable character on this earth. Spoiler alert she won and it was very deserved if looking at a photo of her triggers my hate for her fictional character. But also, this dress is straight up hideous and something you would find in a costume bin at those speakeasy sepia-toned photo booths. All she needs is a top hat and a rifle to complete the look.

julia

Makeup is flawle$$ but I’ve never been a fan of the “I can see your entire naked torso” trend.

leslieodomjr

Ah yes of course because why WOULDN’T you toss a green screen under-armour material turtleneck on underneath this designer suit. WHAT?!

cynthiaerrivo

This photographs in a much more forgiving way than I would’ve expected because when I saw it onscreen my eyes literally bulged out of my skull. It is essentially neon running gear piped into a dome dress. I thought it was fun in this picture and then once I saw it in action, I had to gracefully bow out. It is an athletic circus tent.

margotrobbie

This is so boho chic, which is a weird choice for the Globes but a solid choice for doing a tour of wine country with your gal pals. Add a trendy felt hat and sub rocker chick booties in for heels and you’ve got yourself a day, gurl. Does this make me a celebrity stylist? Obviously yes. But still not right for the Globes.

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Kate is hitting a little too close to 80’s prom with a chunky belt and fluffy sleeves.

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If you’re going to star in a show that is literally centered on trendy kewl Parisian fashion, you’ve gotta absolutely BRING IT to an awards show. This granny embroidered dress is NOT BRINGING IT. BONSOIR.

kenan

I know this isn’t the nicest thing to say but this picture made me laugh out loud. Between the shades on the red carpet, the cool guy hands clapped together pose and the fact that his pants are so tight I can see the outline of his Willis and Doodleberries…it’s funny as hell.

lauradern

Oh boy this is a lot going on for ya girl, Laura. Two thumbs down to the loose turtleneck/choker/whatever this is. Then your eyes wander south and hit these heels with like hoop piercings sticking erectly out of them and a chain band. Wuph. 

mayarudolph

Oh, Maya. Oh, honey. No, no, no. KITTEN HEELS AND A MUUMUU? Are you walking a red carpet or a midwestern mom vacationing in Honolulu for the first time?

reginaking

Another blurry as hell screen grab, 12/10 for puppy naps in frame, 6/10 for outfit. This is a real weird take on the cold shoulder. 

gillian

This literally looks like a curtain that has been underneath a roof leak for 15 years with a snippet from a Hell’s Angels tapestry glued to the top.

harrypotter

Wingardium Leviosa!

jamie

Holy banana boobs.

josh

WHAT ERA ARE WE IN? A NECK SCARF AND PENNY LOAFERS? NOW I’M JUST SHOUTING AND MAD. THIS IS A PERIOD PIECE COSTUME.

awkwafina

Ok, I’m done shouting. But, seriously, am I missing something? It’s literally the 70’s up in this B.

kristen

BACK TO SHOUTING. A MINT GREEN BABYDOLL DRESS, FOLKS. WITH BOWS UNDER EACH NIP. AND PINK EYESHADOW. I feel like I fell into a wormhole and ended up at a sweet sixteen circa 2003.

susan

Holy hell this is a lampshade. Also while I’m taking shots, I might add in that Susan hosted the pre-show with Jane Lynch, which of course just consisted of a bunch of zoom interviews and I’ve never seen someone stumble harder on the job than Susan. Multiple times she mispronounced the world GLOBE. TONS of awkward silences and weird exchanges and at the end before the show was about to start, they threw it to her to make closing remarks and apparently she had already checked out of the trainwreck because she just stared at the camera like a deer in headlights and then stuttered out something about how it was great before Jane realized she was completely crapping her pants on Live TV and took over.

kyra-kevin

Golden Hollywood couple and all (I can say that because it looks like Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson were not in attendance) but this baggy silk separates look was basically glorified unflattering jammies in a skin tone.

BEST

lavernecox

Total babe soda look and also she’s pulling off the milkmaid braids that I made my mom do in my hair over the summer after seeing them look cool as hell on an actress in a Hallmark movie (I’m cultured AF, I know) but when I looked in the mirror I almost puked my face off because the trend did not translate to my head. That’s a very self-centered way to tell you that she wears them better than I ever will and I’m super jelly belly.

amandaseyfried

I’m a sucker for flowers and pink so even though this has MAD salsa dancer vibes, I’m down with it.

karamo

GIVE IT TO ME WITH THIS TURQUOISE TUX, BABY.

janelevy

Could do without a mermaid bottom here and would LOVE to see what’s kickin in the back (are they bows?) but LOVE the color and material and obviously her hair looks windswept fabulous.

anyataylorjoy

DAMN this is R E G A L, yo.

sarahhyland

Bold choice to dress in the same color as the carpet from head to toe but I’d be lying if I said she didn’t look good.

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Here’s a garbage picture of Carey mid-awkward pre-show interview because THIS IS WHAT WE’VE COME TO. From her underboob to the top of her head, she looks amah-zing.

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I really ‘preciate the celebrities who went so extra because otherwise my red carpet blog would cease to exist in Covid awards days. Andra looks stunning.

sarah

Love the dress, love the purple cast as a pop of color, LOOOOOOOOATHE the hair. SLICKED HAIR WILL ALWAYS BE ICKY. Also she’s a got a real five head on her to be pulling her hair back like that at all. 

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Ooh, in the words of your fictional sister, LOVING THIS FOR YOU. Sparkles and mustard and metallics, OH MY!

amypoehler

I feel like this is a funky look for Amy and she’s crushing it. Also, I see that middle part girl. Look at you going all Gen Z on us!

christianslater

Men finally getting the memo that teal is such a baller choice for a colored suit is really working for me.

angelabassett

Angela is killin it as well with the eggplant feathers and this fierce power braid.

justintheroux

Justin’s basically wearing black jeans. What a bad boy of H’wood. Brad Pitt would NEVER.

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Leave it to Jared to exude sexy with his tousled perfect locks and a massive plastic flower. Also, I bitched about this on Twitter but it deserves to be addressed again here…how are the richest celebrities on this earth NOT springing for a webcam that costs like $50-$100 and makes your video quality look like a cinematic experience. Instead these hoes are all like nah, I’ll just use the shitty grainy cam on my laptop or ipad and we’re good to go for a nationally televised awards show.

tina fey

Tina getting real spicy with those tights. Can appreciate the hot girl move of basically wearing a men’s tuxedo jacket as a dress although it also kinda looks like she’s dressed for a CE-Hoes sorority party.

gal

Gal gave us one of the WORST early lockdown moments with the singsong celeb chorus of Imagine while the world went into a pandemic that WE STILL HAVEN’T GOTTEN OUT OF A YEAR LATER PROBABLY BECAUSE OF YOUR SHITTY VIDEO but this outfit might soften the blow. She’s WERKIN those stems and the hair is on point.

isla

Elle Woods or Isla Fisher? I wholeheartedly approve of a Barbie pink gown.

jane

Jane Fonda got the big achievement award of the evening and gave a classy acceptance speech where she shouted out the films she enjoyed this year rather than blabbing on and on about herself and why she’s so great. She also looks fab in this crisp silky suit. 

kaley

I’m obsessed with this dress. It is the quintessential princess ball gown and I want to swish all over Kaley’s mansion backyard with copious amounts of lawn furniture in said princess gown.

shira

C L A S S I C. A leg moment but understated jewels and pops of red. The perfect fancy event look.

sterling

Sterling always looks solid.

tiffany

I think dresses like this are cool as hell but I would never in a million years wear one because I can imagine that she basically cannot bend considering she’s covered in metal and also it’s potentially scratchy/stabby on the inside. Looks great tho.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

jason

They flashed to Jason and his group of fellow nominees before a commercial break and when I first laid eyes on this tie dye hoodie I laughed out loud. As someone who has worn some form of a tie dye sweat for the past 9 months I related to this HOARD. Then he actually won the award and it became very clear that not only did he not give a flying F when it came to his apparel, but he was also high as a kite. Again, really bringing the entertainment value up a notch to watch some guy whose edible just kicked in, realize he has to pull an acceptance speech out of his ass. Once the shock wore off he tried to get philosophical and Don Cheadle gave him the wrap it up signal, clearly trying to dig his buddy outta the hole. And listen, when your baby mama leaves you for Harry Styles, you get a free pass. Party on, Jason.

And as always, a shameless plug to my live tweeting, which 0.0 people care about and yet I still feel it is absolutely necessary to do for each and every awards show as if people are waiting on the edge of their seats to see what my reaction is to each dreadful minute of a 3 hour show. The day that someone starts paying me to live tweet awards shows is the day that I will finally know what pure joy is.

Starting with my advanced prep to even watch the damn thing to begin with:

In the end I returned the stupid antenna and utilized a free trial of YouTubeTV instead.

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AMA’s 2020 Red Carpet

Oh look, another awards show that I CAN’T WATCH but any old with an antenna CAN. How does that make sense? If I have internet, I should be able to watch any awards shows. Those should be the rules. This is BLASPHEMY. But anyway, after I tried to steal everyone I’ve ever known’s cable and was met with an error message, I gave up and checked out the red carpet. When I saw this collection, I debated not even blogging it because it was slim pickins and those who showed up did not knock my socks off, but we just got red carpets back so the red carpet blog MUST GO ON.

WORST DRESSED

BTS

This is clearly a pic before their performance and it made me laugh out loud so let’s start on a high note. 7 guys who don’t even speak English and I’m 99% sure their songs are also in Korean and yet they’re wildly famous here for whatever reason. Only three of them have changed their hair color but the rest? WHY WOULD YOU ALL HAVE THE SAME EXACT HAIRSTYLE AND THEN ALSO WEAR THE SAME UNIFORM. Gun to my head I would never be able to tell these jabrone’s apart. They are one.

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Everyone’s salivating at the fact that these two are making their first “public appearance” but like once you’re whoring yourselves all over social media for months and calling each other twin flames, a paparazzi photo on an awards show carpet really does nothing for me. Fashion-wise, the style of Megan’s dress is weird as hell and I’m not down with Machine Gun’s metallic boots, Aladdin pants and featured chesties.

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This is quite a Jessica Rabbit lewk and I cannot approve this many bits being on display or a black part with bright red hair. I would say I’m too old for this look but Bebe is my age sooo…….

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Doja Cat wore her Hocus Pocus Halloween costume a few weeks too late. 

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These are like leather track pants and if it weren’t for the pocket decor, I might’ve let it slide.

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GR8 Color Coordination but this gave me hoard PTSD to the early 2000’s and homecoming. 

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I love an ocean theme as much as the next girl but one wrong move and this oyster is going to flash us her pearl.

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“Drown me in fabric but leave a slit for a leg moment,” is what I assume Ciara told her stylist to do.

BEST

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As host of the evening, I definitely have to give Taraji credit for going full speed at the drama with this outfit. It is quite a statement and you know I have a boner for sparkles.

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Y’all know I hate the just stepped out of the shower soaking wet look that these celebs die for, but I can’t put the most famous person on this red carpet on the worst dressed list. It’s against every fiber of my being. JLo’s worst look is still better than your best and that’s pretty freaking obvious.

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Can count on these two ragamuffins to bring the curl and the trendy suits.

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Don’t know who this cat is but he wears toight pants well.

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Probs my fave look of the night, which isn’t saying a lot but still a suit well done. Sexy and glam.

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Another pic that made me uproariously laugh. I think it’s funny because you hear Lewis sing and he has phenomenal pipes and then you see him in real life and he looks like such a schlub. And he really leans into that. I mean he looks like he’s running late for algebra. I love a guy who’s like oh I’m famous and supposed to do things? Nah.

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Since this is an ABC sanctioned event, it would be nothing without the latest Bachelorette. Clare who? Tayshia’s rack  and set of stems are here to stay.

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Bell Biv DeVoe reminding us of a golden era where fedoras and primary colors ruled. Smooth as hell.

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Red Carpet

People’s Choice Awards 2020 Red Carpet

Lookie, lookie what do we have here?! ANOTHER actual red carpet?! It seems like Hollywood is back ON and I’m here for it. Woke up this morning to hear about an awards show that doesn’t even matter and yet here I am scrambling to show you these looks. That’s what we in the biz call, starving for content. Here’s what the celebs wore to a fan popularity contest. (How Ellen won her fan’s votes is beyond me…might want to have someone look into that because I wouldn’t put it past her to rig it for good press.)

WORST

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TROOP BEVERLY HILLS 9021-NO.

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You’ll notice this evening’s trend of wear an exaggerated pantsuit was not cherished by me. WHAT is fashionable about drowning yourself in clown-sized polyester?

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No to the dress which looks like it was purchased at Deb circa 1999 but also no to this pose.

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This dress is the most unflattering and also the same color as her milky silver-tone skin. 

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Oh ok, Dad. Did you get lost and stumble upon the grey (blue?) carpet?

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Again with the suits. It’s a fan-voted awards show with a purple/pink ombre step and repeat behind you. It’s not a corporate retreat. Live a little.

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Ok don’t live that much. This is a Jersey Shore dress and not in a good way.

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Brad looks like he’s wearing a pirate costume. I much prefer when he’s switching wigs on his Instagram to act out all of the Housewives drama.

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This TikTok star looks like she’s going to prom in a 90’s romcom.

BEST

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CHRISTMAS QWEEN.

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After I stopped drooling over that island-fresh tan, I was able to see that this outfit is cool as hell too. Very Euro chic.

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Oh what a doll Mandy is with that aw, shucks grin and holding her baby bump.

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Despite his hand hovering over his junk pose, I can always get down with the color teal.

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This does absolutely nothing for her figure but I respect the fact that Demi is the host and basically showed up in glitter jammies. She also made jokes about her engagement so good for her 0 F’s Given approach.

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You know I stan for a sparkly suit jacket.

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Love this color and the cool guy boots.

 

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Believe it or not I would’ve loved this more if the shirt was cropped and not hanging down to her mid-thighs like it’s a dress, but I can understand Ellen not being a crop chick. I still think it’s a cool outfit and something different in a sea of business separates.

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LAAAHHHVEE the red lace and lip combo.

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No clue what this outfit says, I’m assuming it’s probably a political statement because that’s how Hollywood rolls now, but it’s a good fit and her boobs are poppin.

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I’ve seen Mario crush a carpet harder, but it wouldn’t be in good taste to put such a hunk muffin on the worst dressed list, so I’ll give him a pass. 

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Red Carpet

CMA’s Red Carpet 2020

I heard whispers of the CMA’s coming up mostly via Instagram but unfortunately I’ve returned to the poor person’s land of no cable and I shoved these murmurs to the side as I didn’t want to face the facts that I couldn’t afford to watch an awards show. It didn’t help that my sister rubbed it in by choosing to watch her first awards show in a year and text me to see if I was also watching. NO I’M NOT NIKKI BECAUSE IT’S NOT ON NETFLIX, GAWD. Anyway, color me surprised when I scooted over to People.com and saw that not only was there a red carpet but it was populated enough for me to RAZZ HOARD on the chosen looks. It’s been a MINUTE since I could do a best and worst dressed. I’m so #grateful that Nashville has decided the pandemic is over and brought awards szn back. So even though I couldn’t watch, I sure as shit can Joan Rivers this hoedown! LET’Z GO.

WORST

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First thing’s first, OBVIOUSLY Maren looks great post-baby. That doesn’t change the fact that I hate this lingerie look. And then hubby comes in wearing a literal karate black belt. It’s a no for me, dawgs.

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Realistically I’m not sure there’s much that you can do to make a very large colored eagle chest tat red carpet ready. But this bright blue number that matches the backdrop wasn’t it.

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Is Miranda’s huz the most whipped person on this earth? I mean he literally quit his job as a police officer to live inside Miranda’s b-hole and star in her music videos/instagram drool sessions and now he’s gotta coordinate with her Think Pink theme. I love a pop of color but this mismatched version plus the 80’s shoulders and cinching didn’t cut it.

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Change it up, Aldean. Am I being kinda harsh? Yeah. Get over it. Let’s see something other than 90’s era jeans with a chain, loafer boots, graphic tee and cowboy hat. SPICE IT UP.

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I cannot stand velvet/velour and for that very finicky reason I cannot toss this duo on the best dressed. Luke looks good but wifey looks like she’s wearing the latest Juicy sweatsuit with heels.

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I think what’s probably the most offensive about this poop suit is that he tossed black into the mix as well. If you’re going to go full turd why ALSO sprinkle in black because EVERYONE KNOWS brown and black don’t match. #bracking.

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I’m probably going to start sounding like a broken record but I like this color and hate the style. It’s like a corporate outfit and I feel like she could’ve done better than a button down like she’s there to give a sales presentation.

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Honestly if this awards show were in Vegas like one of the 600 country shows is, I probably would’ve let this getup slide. But it’s not. You’re in Nashville and therefore wearing this showgirl hot red feathery dress with rhinestone heels is tacky AF. Obviously goes without saying that the rose decal jacket also falls in that category.

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Dierks is letting the locks grow and I don’t LOVE it. Also he’s dressed to grab a beer at the bar. 

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Kinda want Osborne on the left’s grey boots (holla atcha gurl) but in lieu of calling out Dierks for being too casj, I gotta do the same with these boys. You’re not hitting up a bonfire, step up your game.

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I wish this were a frontsies shot but I can tell from this angled glimpse that there’s weird shit going on with this lady tux. Seems like a nip slip waiting to happen and is she also wearing a karate belt? Is this a thing now? LMK.

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Did Caylee and Jon Pardi’s wife get dressed in the same back alley? This is EXTRA aggressive because she’s also a ginge so that’s really a lot of red for one set of eyes to take in.

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What are you at the Oscars? I get that you’re the host but whoa buddy this is stiff as hell. I realize the conundrum I face by criticizing those who underdress AS WELL AS those who overdress but really it’s my blog and you can’t tell me what to do. I’ve never seen a more snoozy tux.

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I have questions about why he’s even at the CMA’s but the biggest question of all is what the hell is happening here? It’s the matching ivory, feathered crop top blazer, man turtle neck & chunky black non-slip sneaks for ME. God just typing out those deets made me choke back voms. What were we going for here?

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Oh great! Is this a trend?! Am I too old to know that whoutfits with black kicks are fashionable now? Guess what I don’t care. It’s horrific. Cut the shit. I wouldn’t even wear this in the privacy of my own home and I went outside in my pajamas this morning so you KNOW I don’t have fashion standards.

 

BEST

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THIS is how you red without going full-blown Rockette.  Feathers are not necessary to make a dramatic statement.

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Very classy. A little boring, but the pattern adds some pizazz. (Also ironically, the feathers are necessary here. But they are tasteful.)

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I had my first Iced Peppermint Mocha (shoutout Dunks) of the season today which I like to refer to as Christmas in a Cup and while the candy cane caffeine is still coursing through my veins I’m all about this festive look. CHRISTMAS GLAM!

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I’ve seen TR look better. Lauren looks like a babe soda as always. I’m seeing a trend in the pink game this evening.

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Damn GET IT GURL, those curves don’t QUIT.

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A part of me will always miss Jake Owen’s lettuce and the barefoot blue jean night vibe that went with it… but I guess he cleans up nice too. His gal pal is basically wearing a wedding gown. Now that I take a second look this easily could pass as a wedding photo. I wonder if they had a Joe Jonas/Sophie Turner post awards show quickie marriage planned. Guess we’ll only find out if Diplo is there to livestream it.

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The two endcaps are all black lamewads but the middle three are killin the game. (Seriously, is the guy on the right wearing vans?) Anyway, shout out to that maroon jacket.

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Reba debuts her new man candy (candy is a very liberal term but you get the point) and this glitzy cape all in one night!

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LAAAHHHVVEEEEEE the color and style of this gown. Her husband looks like he’s wearing a cowboy halloween costume.

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Not a big full leg slit guy, but considering it’s also long sleeves she’s gotta show the goods somewhere. I respect it.

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Right side STRONG in this group photo. All in on the eggplant suit & glitzy mini. 

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Tip to all the gents, always go with a patterned suit. Keeps it zesty but doesn’t need to be loud.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

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My favorite joint look of the evening. The sparkly grey gown pops and caters perfectly to her bangerang stems and Mike is wearing a coordinated but not TOO matchy matchy tie (take notes, Miranda & husb.) 10/10.

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Red Carpet, Television

Emmys 2020

Normally the Emmys is the official end of summer and beginning of awards season for me. It’s an exciting time where the weather starts to decline and the only thing to look forward to is cheese boards, wine & red carpets. NOT THIS YEAR THO. Much like the ACM’s last week, we’ve got a whole different virtual formula for awards szn so I’ll do what I can to recap and shove my commentary down your throat. The home base for the Emmys was the Staples Center where Jimmy Kimmel hosted live, and 130 camera kits were sent out to all nominees homes so they could set up zoom style and feed into Kimmel onstage. TOTAL recipe for disaster to rely on technology and most importantly WIFI. Gotta be honest, the high chance of this being a real shit show really pulled me in. Along with webcams came a dress code that stated, “Come as you are, but make an effort.” If we’re being honest that really describes my whole personal style. So let’s see what that meant for the celebs from swanky watch parties to their couch:

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Schitt’s Creek Partay was the PLACE to BE. I mean, that flower wall, hot damn. Annie also looks like a real babe soda. 

catherine

Ladies of Schitt’s really going for the classic black and red lip theme here. Love the combat boots tossed in with sequins.

danlevy

It pains me to admit this v. unpopular opinion (especially after last night) but I have not seen Schitt’s Creek in its entirety. I know, I know. I suck. However, this kilt is a nod to his character I’m told? Either way that slate grey is doing thangs for Daniel. Lookin svelte.

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You scroll from apple right to the tree. What a family of sharp looks, dark frames and prominent brows. 

HER

Gotta give props to anyone who gowned up for the show when I’m about to literally rate celebrity loungewear in the same “red carpet.” 

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Case in point, this fuzzy rainbow sweater robe over what looks like a white cotton jumpsuit. Pj’s but make them for rich people.

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More richies PJ’s but this time it’s for a good cause. Rachel had these fancy jams designed for her and her husband and after tonight she’ll be auctioning them off for charity. This past year I decided it was time to stop wearing size XL men’s tees to bed sans pants–Winnie the Pooh style and graduate to the fancy jam game. I really just wanted to pretend for a second that I’m classy and not a homeless troll living under the bridge even in my sleep. I can confidently say now that I’ve upgraded my sleepwear that I’m an old soft tee girl through and through. Silk tuxedos really have no give or breathability for slumber. I felt like the sweaty Hulk in a straitjacket. So maybe Rachel’s jammies ARE a better fit for the red carpet.

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Regina King served two looks. The first was a video she produced beforehand to show us what she would’ve worn for a red carpet. She looks bomb and I love the blue. The second is what she wore on camera and I also approve. Honestly I just have a boner for bright colors and this fuchsia is summery and fun.

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Damn, check out Tituss showing off a slim and trim bod in this racy red lewk. I’ve spent pretty much the entirety of quarantine seeking out the perfect tie dye loungewear set so I can appreciate a good matching sweat set. This looks cozy and fashionable and even allows for a little unzip to show off the chesties. 

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I noticed that many people who advertised their outfit on their instagram also linked it to a product showing us just how shameless celebrities are while they’re “out of work.” I can’t tell you for sure if this is a dress or a robe or what’s going on here because clearly the focus is supposed to be on her glassware and whatever’s in those red boxes. All I can say is that I like the flowers.

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Reese WOULD host a party in her backyard and look like this Hollywood Queen. Really would’ve loved a full bod shot here but top half is pretty stellar.

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Again this could be a merch hawk but no Mark Ruffalo, NO. It’s like he’s going for youth hipster with that hat and nursing home resident finishing the crossword puzzle with his cheaters through those specs. Thankfully he lost both for the real show or I would’ve cringed my face off if he accepted his award looking like this hot mess.

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Obviously the freebie watch is the main event here on Sterling’s instagram but otherwise digging the grey suit and cool guy shades.

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YESSSSS, BB! I love everything about this.

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I’m all in on this. If I was nominated for an Emmy and had to set up a camera in my own home for probably 15 seconds of screen time, you bet your bottom dollar I’m setting up a whole scene with a ridiculous outfit. Alex flashed on the screen after losing looking like this and it was a highlight of the show. She’s serving a whole ass look here and even though she lost the Emmy, she won “Best Dramatic Character Losing at the 2020 Emmys” in our hearts.

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For all the Gilmore Girls stans, Amy and Daniel Sherman-Palladino serving hat game realness at the Dragonfly Inn. 

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Jennifer Aniston never changes and has an awards show look that just won’t quit. Throw her in a simple black dress, add some frosting and let those beach waves do their thang.

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I watched Normal People and shit all over it and I get that this guy is like a sex symbol for people who were obsessed with the show but WHY. THIS HAIR. He has a literal straight line of hair across his forehead like Dumb and Dumber. Make it stop.

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Is this the Emmys or the Golden Globes cause damn, gurl!

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It’s the neck scarf for me. (Did I do that right, youths?)

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A bedazzled denim top AND tropical wallpaper in your kitchen, yessir! 

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The top feathers looked much better when she was presenting on camera than they photographed here. She looks great despite the fact that she’s posing with a boulder.

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I got a very large summer boner for this bright coral and the fit is flawless. Top look of the night for me.

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The lipstick matches the dress perfectly. Stunning combo and honestly everyone should have a best friend (or someone on their payroll) that will stage an Emmys red carpet photoshoot for you on your AirBnB patio.

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I expected Billy to bring it regardless of the location and he sure did. The white accents and the *subtle* awards placement within frame. We get it, you’ve won some shit. I also look like that in my living room except the cape hanging off of me is a fleece blanket from TJMaxx.

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I’m very into colors for this Emmys and this was another one that I saw onscreen when she presented and immediately tried to find a picture of it. I’m thirsty for fashion in these dry times. Get over it. This is a watercolor work of art.

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My favorite color in a track suit jacket and also an “I read books” intellectual background that no doubt a PA spent hours staging for 3 seconds of air time.

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It’s an election year and obviously I expected statement clothing and speeches. We’ve seen a lot of Breonna Taylor and BLM but never just a straight up VOTE set of coordinates. Laura Linney was not who I expected to deliver that. 

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I applaud going all extra–especially because she won but I’m not a fan of this flapper party look. It feels too Halloween dress-up for me. I mean, her husband is wearing a red silk tiger shirt like he’s Joe Exotic on date night. It’s a lot.

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Would love to know if this is Don’s real house because I’m really vibing with the couch decor and patterned chairs. It’s probably a rental because everyone in Hollywood is “on location” always but we’ve got another political duo keeping it casj cool on a couch fit for a beach house.

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 I can’t really say anything about his outfit because he’s sitting on TOP of the camera and you know what? That made me laugh out loud so we’re going to shout it out. He’s the eager beaver who leans in like he’s having a real convo with you even though you’re not even in the same city. What a close zoom we got from Nichola Braun who’s just happy to be here.

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I watched the “red carpet” on E for further cringe moments and loved the interview with Ted Dansen sitting in a kitchen looking like a grandpa Facetiming with his kids. It was adorable. The doorbell rang and the dogs started barking mid interview and he was like ope, DoorDash is here! Classic gramps moment. It also looks like he’s just wearing a patterned button down ready for Sunday dinner with the kids. Very wholesome.

Fave look of the night! The leopard! The turquoise earrings! The Monica Geller with beaded vacation braids sound when she sways in this dress! CHEF’S KISS.

And now I’ll give you the highs and lows of the very first virtual Emmys.

LOWS

The Fire Bit. 

Look, I get there’s a lot of pressure to be funny without live laughs and since Jimmy Kimmel and Jennifer Aniston are buds IRL they wanted to have a little fun with it but setting a controlled fire that turned out to be not so controlled in LA seemed to hit A LITTLE CLOSE TO HOME. It was a LITTLE TOO REAL. As someone who doesn’t live in the land of the fires, I felt like I couldn’t fully make that comment but then I texted my bestie who does live there and she agreed. So we cool. No more fires in California, even if you’re just joshing around, Hollywood. That being said, Jen staying calm, cool & collected and effortlessly fighting flames onstage in a gown was preettttyy boss.

Monologue

Kicking things off with a fake audience was a no for me. It made it super confusing as to if there were people there or not or if the monologue was pre-taped. I don’t need anymore confusion right now. I spent most of the monologue wondering what was real that I missed a lot of the jokes.

Schitt’s Sweep.

This is both a high and a low for me. Schitt’s Creek won every single award in the Comedy category. So for the first hour of the show, SEVEN awards in a row were awarded to the gang partying it up in Canada. This is a low because it was the first hour of the Emmys and we saw the same people give speeches over and over again. Not a great lead-in hook. It’s a high because I love the fact that Eugene and Dan Levy made a show together and their father-son bond is adorable. You can also tell that Dan Levy is genuinely grateful and appreciative of the awards, even apologizing for winning them all. Props to the Schitt’s Creek crew for not only throwing an Emmys banger but also winning literally all of the awards.

Need More Losers/House Peeping.

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Since we had 7 straight Schitt wins in a row, it gave me the time to really need more loser action. Normally we get a lot of crowd reaction shots and due to the fact that we were essentially watching a video conference call, that was lacking this year. We got the epic shot of Alex Borstein petting her dog and slugging whiskey but we needed MORE. I WANT TO DRINK THE TEARS OF THE LOSERS. No but really, I just wanted more peeps on other nominees which segues nicely into I want to see inside of all of their homes, uninterrupted. It seems unfair that we only get to see the homes of the winners (shout out to the dizzying pattern room of Jesse Armstrong above.) GIVE US A PEEP OF YOUR MANSIONS, OR ELSE. Which also leads me to…

Meryl. The Untouchable Meryl.

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The almighty who created the overused pointing aggressively and clapping meme from an acceptance speech reaction COULD NOT BE BOTHERED WITH A ZOOM AWARDS SHOW. Bitch is too good to let us see where she lives. If Meryl truly was a woman of the people, she’d set up all of the awards she’s amassed in frame, sit amongst them in an extravagant gown and let us bask in her glory. Instead she chose “OOO.” Whatever, Meryl. It’s a real power move to not even have to leave your couch to attend an awards show and still say you’re busy.

HIGHS

CELEB DOGS!!!

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I didn’t get to see as much home decor as I would’ve liked but I DID get my fill of celeb pooches. I’m all in on the pup cameos. It’s impossible to frown when you see a dog coaxed into the frame, especially when it’s a large pitbull being hoisted in like above. I just wanna SMUSH THEIR LITTLE FACES. Dogs should be allowed at every awards show going forward.

Losers Get a Wave.

This weird “someone in a hazmat suit just shows up at your house with your Emmy” was next level shit. Even weirder & more hilarious–Ramy pulling back the curtain on what happens when you don’t win. BYE BYE, LOSER!

The Real Friends Reunion.
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I’ve been very vocal about not giving a shit about the Friends reunion that’s been overhyped for a year now that you have to get another streaming service to even watch and it’s just a bunch of cast interviews. Every time they bring it up I roll my eyes out of my damn head. I love the show Friends, I watch it constantly and yet I don’t feel the need to buy every Friends themed merch that they’ve been hawking for the past year. I DID however love this cameo, especially because it came right around the time I started to get bored as hell during the show. Not only did Jennifer look like a total bangpiece in that robe, but the casual oh hey we’ve all been roomies since the 90’s was cute and I appreciated it. I loved it even more when Jason Bateman strolled in. Bateman was a win all around for me last night. From his cameo in the monologue demanding to stay because he hasn’t been out in months and putting a cutout of him from the 80’s front row, to him walking through this Friends bit and snarkily asking Jimmy if he was going to kick him out of his own house too. As a real sarcastic B, I dig Bateman’s salty vibes.

Celebs in Quarantine

Pretty much every celebrity made me laugh in this and that’s rare. Contrary to popular belief they haven’t spent quarantine singing John Lennon’s Imagine. Stars, they developed an alcohol dependency just like us when faced with staying at home for a lengthy period of time. 

Cheers to 2021

Now I can finally say I attended a New Year’s Eve party in Reese Witherspoon’s backyard. I too would like it to be 2021, but for a slightly different reason than Reese. If I hear “2020, man” or “ya gotta love 2020” or “that’s 2020 for ya” one more time I might blow my brains out. So for my safety and everyone else’s, it’s now 2021. End of discussion.

My Emmys commentary in real time:

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Country, Music, Red Carpet

ACM Awards 2020

I dipped my toe in the quarantine awards show waters with the MTV VMA’s a couple of weeks ago and they were a downright disaster. Half was pre-taped, it was confusing as hell and watching a host that’s not really funny to begin with tell awk jokes to an empty room was cringeworthy as hell. Also, I must also add that I probably aged out of the VMA’s about ten years ago but much like everything else in my life, I refuse to accept it. Regardless, I’m bored as dick and thirsty as hell for awards shows. I live for getting a little wine sauced, stuffing snacks in my snackhole and judging fashion choices and unexpected live moments when celebrities all gather in one arena. Obviously COVID has really dumped all over that. It really hasn’t stopped me from dabbling in these attempted multiple-location, no audience awards shows so we will FORGE AHEAD. Since there wasn’t officially a “red carpet”, there’s only a few pictures to work with here so instead of doing a best and worst dressed, I’ll slap them all together and give you my sasshole commentary as per usual. A quick overall note, if I may…due to the fact that there wasn’t a E! worthy red carpet with Ryan Seacrest asking everyone what they were wearing and what snacks they have in their pantry at home, celebs did not care to dress up for this event. Loungewear casj chic was a real vibe for this show. Lots of sneaks and tees. If I sound judgmental please know that I’m not because this is my casual-wear and it makes the following look like couture.

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charleskelley

This shirt is barftastic and I’m not just saying that because Lady “A” came across like a buncha pricks by changing their name for being racist & doubling down when it turned out to be the name of an already established black artist. YOOOOOOOIKES. To that shirt and also their PR.

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Going for the classic black can be pretty boring but it did allow me to really focus on Dan’s beautiful curls. I mean damn, this guy used to have a fade and now he rolls out with ringlets dripping down his back. I’m jelly as hell. My curls are garbage compared to these. Why is it always the guys who probably don’t even use conditioner and just let their hair air dry have the best locks? It’s just not fair and yes I did just work myself into a tizzy about this jabroni’s perfect hair. It doesn’t help that I found my very first grey hair a month ago so basically my hair stinks and also I’m 29 going on 98.

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I appreciate the efforts to duo coordinate here but I can’t give them an A+. Brian is essentially wearing an outfit I would wear, Tyler has denim patches in his crotch. SWING AND A MISS! I CAN get down with both headwear choices. It’s no secret that I got into the felt hat game last year because I wore the shit out of my maroon hat and photographed it every chance I got. Game respects hipster game. And obviously a backwards camo hat is also my steeze because I learned how to shoot a gun this summer, nbd but HBD. I’m so country it hurts.

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I have no idea what the HELL is going on with this skirt but I’m obsessed with the rest of it. I mean, throw on a pair of classic white kicks and an N*SYNC shirt and you know I’m going to be foaming at the mouth, Hils. Well played. Also, where can I get that tee, yo?

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Looooove this mixture. Roger Klotz meets Willie Nelson. YESSIRRRR. Who says you can’t do both!?

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I would’ve respected Kane more if he showed up decked out in full outdoor gear after he got lost in his own backyard and had to have the cops come rescue him. JK, JK. Relax. For realz though, this look is pretty boring. 

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Ya gurl Kelsea received the highest of compliments and the highest of disses in one single sentence from my mother. She said, she’s got nice legs like Carrie Underwood but she doesn’t have a voice like Carrie. OOF. Cin building ya up to break you down. Either way, her legs are H A W T and she’s crushing those cheetah boots.

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This is quite the 80’s fit. Oversized plaid blazer and white patent leather boots. I know blazers are making a comeback again but I’m just not a fan. Some people can really pull it off in the right environment but a country show in Nashville doesn’t SCREAM Clueless blazer to me. Now…if she had an N*SYNC tee underneath this mom blaze? It would’ve been GAME ON. 

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One of my besties in college used to have a pair of glasses like this that we would wear out when we were trashed to spark conversation. We called them The Lovely Bones glasses because make no mistake about it, they are 100% the glasses of a rapist. If Lindsay is looking to creep everyone out as the star of their nightmares (especially with that closed mouth smile) and get some laughs, great choice. If she’s trying to look trendy and cute–these glasses have got to GO. Love the matching separates though. Looks like red carpet loungewear.

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Luke legit didn’t even know the awards were tonight this is just what he wears every day. Just rolled in from the farm and was like oh that’s tonight? Cool beans. 

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I love summer and I love a good tropical print. But I’m conflicted here, because on principle, I do not like Maren. I don’t like how she’s always flashing the goods on a red carpet. Like congrats on your breast feeding rack but also, we don’t all need to see it. Other than her yabbos poking me in the eye, I’m loving this Hawaiian snack of a dress and the neon heels. 

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I love this guy. He’s a true country hick that just happens to have some hit songs. Canadian Tuxedo and full-blown mullet. Don’t ever change, Morgan.

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YAAASSSSSSS this is probbably my favorite look of the night (which isn’t really saying a lot because we’ve got a real dry spell of outfit pics.) Bob Dylan tee, leather fringe skirt and cowboy booties killinnnnn ittttt. Perfect casj cool concert look. 

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Riley also growing out the lettuce in quarantine and I don’t hate it one bit. He went so casj you can literally see the outline of his iPhone in his pocket. Or is that his phone…

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I cannot stress how much I loathe this entire look. First and foremost, the bangs. Taylor attaches a specific hairstyle to each album era and commits to it until she releases her next one. I am NOT pleased with the folklore hair. Curly-haired people should never under any circumstance have bangs. Whimsical, frizzy bangs aside, let’s talk this glam turtleneck on top, Jack Hanna on bottom outfit. These are high-waisted khaki pants. It’s cut off in the photo, but they are also tapered at the ankle. I’m honestly surprised they are not also cargo pants. This was Taylor’s big comeback to the ACM’s after 7 years and I’m just wondering why this was the outfit choice.

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I met Tenille last year and she is the most pure person I’ve ever met that’s in show biz. She has this delicate voice and the first thing she said in her performance last night was “I’m so humbled.” She’s too good for Hollywood and I just want to put her right in my pocket and keep her safe. None of this has anything to do with her outfit but you know I like to relate everything back to me and my personal stories. She’s rocking this gold jumpsuit and her hair looks amazing. I bet she smells like pine needles and her face is like sunshine.

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TR just spent a significant amount of time with his family in Montana and it shows. Much like Luke Bryan, I think he came back from his mountain vacation and just rolled right up to the “red carpet.” He looks like a fall snack.

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Cool guy Eric Church couldn’t even spring for a non-disposable mask. Also, notably the only person who incorporated a mask into his lewk. He still looks pretty badass.

Now’s the fun part where I just jack somewhat ratchet performance photos off the world wide web for more content:

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Carrie looked great even though she covered up her stems. Once she sees that Kelsea is coming in hot for her title as Country’s hottest legs, she’ll probably think twice about wearing an ankle-length gown at another awards show.

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Gabby is preggers and still committed to these tight as shit hot pants. Whatta babe. I loved the sparkle cape and shiny leathers. 

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Ugh. Gwen and Blake are still parading their love around via sappy duets. We get it, you guys like each other. Could do with a little less white junderwear from Gwen here. If you’re going to perform on a stool, don’t wear a pair of cutoffs that are going to ride right up your hoo-ha, gurl.

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Luke did an outfit change for his performance of One Margarita and this Jimmy Buffett vibe immediately made me smile. Nothing slaps like a Hawaiian shirt.

And finally, since I committed to not only watching this awards show, but also live tweeting it as if I have a following and anyone else was watching it, and on top of that writing this blog…I’m going to go ahead and give you some thoughts on the show as well, in no particular order.

When will Keith get a new haircut?

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I mean honestly. I know I already came down hard on Taylor’s hair and I may have used all allotted unsolicited hair commentary for the week with that but COME ONNNNNNN. Keith Urban has rocked the same Karen hairstyle since he hit the scene in the 90’s and I’ve finally reached my breaking point. Probably because it was also greasy as hell for this awards show. We need a little spice. Make 2020 your bitch and debut a new ‘do Keith. I DOUBLE DOG DARE YOU.

Not being live STINKS.

The crickets in the crowd sucks but the fact that these are all just pre-taped performances makes it even worse. The whole excitement of an awards show is the possibility of someone messing up or having spinach in their teeth (lookin at you Nick Jonas) and having perfect pre-taped segments is BooooOOOoooOOOring as hell. It’s like going to a Metallica drive-in concert, paying over $100 a car and then just watching a pre-taped movie of Metallica jamming. GIVE ME SOME LIVE CHAOS AGAIN. PLLLEEEEEASSEEEEE.Keith “talked” to Miranda at the Bluebird Cafe and it was like a bad newscast. The delays. The cringiness. Ugh. It was rough. Also important to note that the VMA’s was ALL about showing backstage masked celebrities and crew to really jam down our throats that they’re being “safe”–you know after they flew a bunch of people from California to New York and because they were celebrities they didn’t have to follow Cuomo’s two week quarantine rule. But what was interesting about these awards is that they take place in Nashville and I didn’t really see any masks. The most dramats BTS shot I saw was Darius Rucker pulling a mic out of a ziploc bag during a commercial break. No Corona here! We take the thing that goes near your mouth from a snack baggie so it’s REAL SAFE.

Spoiler Alert: TWO Entertainers of the Year.

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This killed me. The last award of the night is Entertainer of the Year. Keith opens it up and is like OH I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS. WE’VE GOT A TIE! How? No clue how these awards are given out but there’s literally no way you can do a tie. An award means nothing if someone else won it too. If there was meant to be more than one Entertainer of the Year there wouldn’t be a medal for it. Congrats to Carrie Underwood and Thomas Rhett for getting participation trophies. And the dog and pony show that all put forward to be like WHAT IS HAPPENING?! Was this supposed to be a fun twist ending to a crappy pre-taped awards show because I’m not buying it. Obviously the Entertainer of the Year is Thomas Rhett and it isn’t even a question. Did Carrie even tour this year? Then Carrie accepting and being like GOTTA LOVE 2020, LOLZ! My eyes rolled out of my G-D head and directly out the door. No, seriously. I don’t even have eyes anymore. I’m using talk to type to write this right now because I’m certified blind because of a TERRIBLE joke that Carrie Underwood made. STOP BLAMING THE YEAR FOR EVERYTHING STUPID. I HAAAAAAATE when people do this. Just like when a celebrity dies and everyone is like THIS YEAR IS A CURSE. It’s especially weird because she’s basically throwing shade at a nice thing. She won an award and just happens to have to share it. And she’s like UGH 2020! #SoreWinner Does this year suck? 900000000%. Does that mean that everything that happens can be replied to with, “2020, man?” No. No it does not. Stop doing this. Yesterday I made soup for lunch because my bones were cold and I’m a 900 year old lady (remember I have grey hair now) wrapped in a fleece blanket like a shawl. I undercooked the noodles so it was basically like gnawing on shards of glass and then I didn’t leave it on long enough with the broth because I’m impatient and fat so it was also cold. Then when I put it back on to heat it up so it was edible, I dropped the spoon on the floor and got broth everywhere. During NONE of this debacle did I BLAME THE FREAKING YEAR. I rest my case.

My Fave Performances

They’re not so free with the posting performances after the fact (so I’ve only included one) but my favorites were Old Dominion, Thomas Rhett, Luke Bryan, Keith Urban & Pink, Eric Church and of course Taylor Swift. Although an uncensored Taylor Swift would’ve slapped so much harder. Thomas Rhett and John Pardi did coordinated twirls with their guitars that were bootscootin boogie wholesome and adorable. Eric Church started his performance with a voiceover from Johnny Cash about the American flag and it was badass as hell. I felt like an outlaw just watching it. Then my parent’s TV froze because their internet stinks. GOD. WTF 2020.

MY TWEETS:

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Red Carpet

Oscars Red Carpet 2020

I’m never ready for this moment. The last major awards show of the season and a return to the Sunday scaries every single week. What a harsh dose of reality. Anyway, we had a WHOLE lotta white gowns this year, which is ironic considering the biggest critique of the Oscars is that they’re racist as hell and only nominate whites. Seems like the opposite of the point outrage culture and the rest of Hollywood would be trying to make but who am I to judge. HAHA I can never type that sentence with a straight face. I judge the hardest. So did Hollywood when the Oscars gave Eminem his moment to shine 18 years after winning his Oscar for Lose Yourself and skipping the ceremony because he didn’t think he would win. Em brought the house DOWN with MOM’S SPAGHETTI and Hollywood is just too cool to appreciate it. WUT3v3R. It was the highlight of the world’s longest and most boring awards show ever and I’m not afraid to say it. Check out my Twitter if you want to see my unfiltered minute by minute commentary since I had no one to blab my thoughts out loud to after my mom fell asleep within the first 20 minutes and then woke up and declared the show was boring. To be fair, she wasn’t wrong, but she WAS unconscious for most of it.

WORST

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America got confused and thought the Oscars were actually a Grecian themed baby shower.

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Find her body among this mess of fabric. I dare you.

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On the complete opposite end of the spectrum, no need to find her body because she’s basically wearing an open robe. Bonus points for having corpse face.

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Nope. Nopey nope nope.

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Are these vents on her biceps? Never know when you might need a cool breeze to hit your ‘ceps because you’re wearing velvet on the west coast and your entire body is probably sweating.

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Not a fan. I don’t have anything extreme or dramatic to say (first time for everything) but I just wasn’t into the black flowers on a sparkly gown.

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Y’all know my thoughts on my gurl Billie. Wouldn’t it be the ultimate bad gurl move to just show up in a kickass dress instead of jammies for once? Just a thought.

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The jewels on this B look tacky as hell to me.

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Laura did us dirty with the nipple tassels.

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Ah, a rust colored sparkle blanket! How chic!

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You know when you wash a sports bra that has pads in it and without fail, every time, you forget that the pads are in there and you have to fish them out of the washer after the cycle is over? Just me? K. The top of this dress looks like they glued those pads to a dress.

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Honestly did America tell Salma the theme too? Like what’s with the ancient Greek vibes?

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Every single thing that Renee has worn this szn has been 90’s trends I hate reincarnated. Sorry bout it.

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BLECH this is wooftastic. A lace harness over a lace bra, with sleeves and what’s the bottom? Tulle? Feathers? How does fashion exist. Like this was literally just a bunch of scrap materials sewn together and you cannot convince me otherwise.

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I LOOOOOOOVE teal. Love the hell out of it. But my hate for tiered gowns far outweighs my boner for the color teal.

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BOOOOOOOOOOOOO to this belt of ruffles. Give me more lilac!

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My mom compared this to a kitchen sink scrubber, I tossed out internal organ, now that I’m looking at it again I think we could also say Under the Sea for 100, Alex.

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Love the top, everything falls apart on the bottom half. Just chunks of fabric.

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This is a tacky prom dress. This is something I would’ve tried on at Deb when I was 14 and my mom dropped my friends and I off at the mall so that we could walk around, try things on and eat free samples at Gertrude Hawk. Ah, the simple days. Realistically nothing has changed except that I can drive myself to the mall now and do all of those things because I still can’t afford to buy anything.

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In other news of sleeves that serve no purpose. I like the lip, I like the hair, I originally had her in my best dressed but if I was really being honest with myself I was tossing her a pity best dressed because she didn’t wow me this year with her looks and I was really settling with this one. I was thinking to myself, well she doesn’t look as bad here as I felt she did at the other red carpets this season but really that wasn’t enough for me. The bolo tie smack in the middle of a gown and the phantom sleeves were irritating me JUST enough that I had to put her on the worst dressed. These are the tough decisions I need to make sometimes. It’s not easy being a judgmental B who blogs for free.

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I only included this picture so I could also refer everyone to my fiery tweet about the Pittster:

The E red carpet crew collectively creamed their gowns/tuxes over Brad Pitt and HONESTLY WHY.

BEST

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KOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBE.

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Love the color and the flattering style here.

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BARBIE DREAMZ.

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I’m a known h8er of one strappin it but everything else about this dress is Flawle$$ and therefore my one strap hate can simmer down.

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So many Hollywood lads go classic black tux for the Oscars and it’s just so boring. Tony is wearing the shit out of this navy blue.

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Tale as old as time, I put this on the worst dressed list originally and after staring at it long enough I just flipped the switch (flipped the switch switch–that joke will only hit with the youth tik-tok’ers.) and decided I DON’T HATE IT. She’s really serving that red lip and bob and it made me fall in love with the whole ‘fit.

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KCav going for a real Cinderella story here. *~*Don’t let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game*~* A quote that once graced my AIM profile, also from the Hilary Duff classic, A CINDERELLA STORY.

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I’m living for the coordination here. Also my aforementioned boner for all things teal.

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This is FIERCE.

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Holy bananas I love yellow so much. Also great style, also great jewels. Top notch look.

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Geena is 64 years old and she is OWNING the red carpet in this gown. Hot damn.

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Another internal conflict here, this dress is beautiful and Sandra looks amahzing and YET those are a pair of sleeves RIGHT THURR. Those are puffy sleeves that cannot be ignored even for a second. *God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change*

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Rebel threw me for a loop with this old Hollywood Glam and I love it a lot.

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My mom and I disagreed on this one, she didn’t like the necklace or the color of the dress and I had to promptly remind her that I wore the same color to prom and she pretended it was pretty then. Unfortunately I chose the bubble hem, which should’ve been illegal.

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(You’re right Mom, it was a lighter shade of green.) Either way, I stand by the army green life.

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THIS WOMAN IS A FOX AND SHE LOOKS HOT AS HELL FOREVER ON RED CARPETS. I expect nothing less from my namesake. I wonder if people constantly call her Julie in emails as well.

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In a sea of neutrals on the red carpet, I’m living for this pop of color party frock.

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I get that out of these two, James is the famous one, but his wife is really who I’m stanning here. That dress is perfect.

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This is like a Harry Potter witchy vibe and that’s mostly because she’s basically wearing a cloak. Fun fact: the cloak is embroidered with all of the female directors that were snubbed because that was the main storyline this year. Not only do the Oscars hate blacks but also women too.

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A moment of silence for LDC who wears the same damn thing every year but he can because he never ages and is a monumental babe soda. Also because I feel like Janae forcing him to sing on the spot by shoving a mic in his face during the opening sequence was a huge injustice and I’m sure he has the voice of an angel if he’s had the time to warm up his vocals.

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Oh my lord if she had just rocked some mermaid waves this would’ve won look of the night because it is stunning. But alas, she went for straight outta the shower slick. Womp, wompp.

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Really respect an actor wearing his basketball warmups to the Oscars with some fancy boots. What an F U to the Academy.

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There’s nothing that I can logically critique here because she really played it safe. After winning a best look of the night at the Globes with a neon number for me, it’s a huge step down but in no way does she look bad. Classic Oscars feel.

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BOMBSHELL.

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These two never ever miss.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

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Even though her opening performance and very forced audience participation directly followed by her laying on the floor next to the crowd she forced to sing along gave me every uncomfy ever in the world, THIS OUTFIT IS STRAIGHT FIRE. When I was a teenager and moody and emo and dramatic, I used to wear my hood around the house 24/7 and finally my parents were like hey we hate you and your 13 year old dramatic ass is bringing the mood down in this house and making us want to disown you so they set the “no hoods in the house rule”, which basically ruined my life but CAN YOU IMAGINE IF I HAD A SPARKLY GOWN WITH A HOOD ON IT?! I WOULD NEVER TAKE THAT SHIT OFF. My parents WOULD NEVER ban a glitzy boss hood like this. The red lip is the cherry on top of an outfit that I need and would wear forever and never let my parents buzzkill.

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Red Carpet

Grammys Red Carpet 2020

Losing Kobe Bryant and his young daughter along with the other passengers on that helicopter was incredibly heartbreaking and tragic in itself. Then to have to pull off a huge awards show (and 9 hours of a red carpet…I’m looking at you, E) in the same place he played in all of those years on the same day he died where fans were congregating in honor of his memory made it a whole lot worse. Who the hell cares about Hollywood bullshit and awards shows when something that horrific happens? Thankfully, it was the Grammys…out of all the awards shows it could’ve been, I’m glad it was the Grammys. We didn’t have to hear comedians try to joke about it and make it more awkward and we didn’t have to hear actors try to talk about it in acceptance speeches that they’re also trying to make political statements within. Instead, we got the awards show that is 99% music. And out of everything that it could’ve been, hearing singers and musicians share their talents and their emotions through music actually had a chance to bring people together. Alicia Keys was the perfect host to make it all happen because she’s genuine and also has the voice of an angel. The opening tribute was perfect and gave me chills. There was nothing tryhard about it.

Lizzo opened by blowing the roof off with “Cuz I Love You”, Camila sang a VERY dusty tribute to her father, Billie didn’t scare my face off with fire and rolling eyes but instead went for a soulful rendition of “When the Party’s Over”, Demi performed for the first time since she overdosed with an emotional powerhouse song about how she was feeling before it happened. Basically, the ladies of music showed UP and made me cry a lot. Lotta tears, lotta girl power. But at the end of the day, even though it’s stupid and meaningless and life is short, I’m still gonna throw up my very uneducated opinions about the red carpet and how I thought everyone looked. Even though most people skipped the red carpet and it wasn’t really a priority, I enjoy fashion and awards shows and I’m gonna keep barfing my opinions into the void. You can decide if you want to read them or not because that’s the JOY OF THE INTERNET. Ok. I’ve had too much wine and meats. I’m done. Bye bye.

WORST

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Maybe I’m just too old and this is how the youths dress these days but I cannot get on board with Billie’s punk rock alien jammies aesthetic. Like, does she go to the salon and say, just glop out some lime green on top of my head. Yeah, just the top.

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Tonight’s lampshade edition. Or Featherduster from Beauty and the Beast. Take your pick, really.

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Speaking of Home Depot, can we interest you in some paint samples of Pantone’s color of the year? Pick a shade and get those paintbrushes ready!

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Can appreciate a good leg moment but this dress is not a home run for me.

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This is the hardest I’ve ever seen Priyanka miss on a red carpet. She doesn’t strike me as a nipples out, belly button ring shimmering while her back tassles blow in the breeze kinda gal but here we are. If I could separate Nick out and put him on the best dressed I would because I love the gold shimmer.

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Sry BB, never thought I’d say this but it’s just too much teal for me. Also him and Gwen Stefani must’ve talked lampshade chic because the hat turns into one.

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Once again a sordid tale of one half of the photo being brought down by the other half. Chris’s daughter is CRUSHING her fur separates, Chris looks like a giant Easter bunny.

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Again, JoBro on POINT and J sister just not doing it for me. I come across as a real Sophie h8er on my red carpets lately but please know that’s only because I genuinely dislike everything that she chooses to wear.

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Nope. What is with the extra long one-sider? I will never understand this.

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Great color but I’ve been very outspoken about my hate for the ruffle life.

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Oh great, another thing I’ve been megaphoning my hate for this awards szn, CHUNKS OF HAIR HANGING IN THE FACE. YOU WANNA BRING THE 90’S BACK? TOSS ON A PAIR OF OVERALLS OR A SCRUNCHIE. THAT’S IT. THAT’S WHERE IT ENDS.

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Oh ok, Princess of Darkness. The black cloak and hard bangz made this a little too Morticia Addams for my liking.

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Honestly I had this on my best dressed list but then looked at it again and it was just too clown-like for me to let it slide. I hate to do it because I stan a spicy jacket but there were a lot of men who showed up and didn’t have circus vibez.

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I’m so perplexed by this. What’s the point of wearing a white romper if you’re just going to toss a black curtain over JUST ONE SIDE OF IT? Even more pressing…going to the bathroom in a romper is a disaster in itself, toss in a halfsie cape and we’re really creating a dumpster fire potty situation here. T’s and P’s for her bladder, hopefully she’s forward thinking and strapped on a diap. with all the drinking that I’m sure occurs on music’s biggest night.

 

BEST

Lucky Daye

I have straight heart eyes for this seafoam joint right here.

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I gotta respect a mean mug in a hot pink cowboy crop.

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Grammy gents really came through with jazzy jackets.

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So effortlessly coordinated, a bold color and a print. Nicely done, boyz.

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Simple and stunning on Maggie, she even found herself a designer purse to hold her aluminum water bottle. Stay hydrated for that glow, y’all! (Also, I wish my curly hair ever looked this shiny and glossy and perfect.)

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Lizzo arriving to her wedding, preparing to kick off the night with a little wailing and a little flute playing.

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Leopard AND Leatha? I bow down.

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Young Jonai, look up to the eldest for this one. They nailed it.

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In a world where you’re not flashy enough unless your nips or vag are out on the red carpet, I can extra appreciate the girls who are risky without putting all the goods on display. I don’t know what this mesh-like turtleneck is made of, but I love the allure of check out my boobs without knocking us in the face with them. Literally.

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OH BABY HOT PINK

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Ask my roomie, I literally laughed out loud at this outfit and said that because of it causing me to burst out laughing, I approved. It’s just so ridiculous. I mean he has a baby pink piece of luggage. COME ON. When asked about his look, he said I travel a lot and I appreciate bellmen so I wanted to dress as one. That’s hilarious. Stupid? Yes. But stupidly hilarious. Didn’t make up for his performance that I was actually frightened during. Guess I’m too old for that.

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Lady suit. STAND UP.

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I mean this is a gorgeous dress and she looks great but my eye was immediately drawn to that flawless cat eye if we’re being completely honest.

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Shania with the Ariana pony and the sassy romper, yaaass gurl.

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Babe soda to the maxx.

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All these magentas and maroons on the men tonight….woooooo buddy, I love it.

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It’s Mr. Steal Yo Gurl going for a more casual look with tousled hair and losing the nerdbomber finger gunz. Too busy holding his designer shades casually by his side. What a style ‘tude he’s forming.

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Oh Ursher, baby. Little glitz, little velour hoodie and slippers. He also changed into some leathers for his Prince tribute during the show and hot damn did he werk those bad boys.

Shaun Ross

This guy is named Shaun Ross. I have no idea who he is but I was in awe of this head to toe pearl situation. Literally gazed at it. That’s WAY more impressive than Nick and Joe wearing a pearl necklace and leaving Kevin out ONCE AGAIN.

BEST LOOK(S) OF THE NIGHT:

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I mean she kinda cheated because she wore two looks for the red carpet but they were both gorgeous and she definitely outshined everyone else with these moments. The ultimate princess gowns with that holier than thou sassy high pony. May not be practical to sit in but those are both statement gowns and if I was ever lucky enough to walk a red carpet I’d be going balls to the wall like this.

Shoutout to this savage tweet though:

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