Music, Television

VMA’s Recap

We’re absolutely getting to the point where I’m too old for the VMA’s and nothing made that more clear than watching the pre-show with a shitload of people I didn’t even know. At least Sway is still around. As a very public Miley Cyrus h8er it pained me to watch a show where she was guaranteed so much screen and mic time. (Plus it created an outrageous number of “You don’t want to miss what Miley does next” teasers before EVERY COMMERCIAL BREAK.) But what can I say, I recap for the people so here are your highs and lows of the VMA’s.

Lows:

-MILEY. From the several gag-inducing neon rave outfits (with nothing left to the imagination) to the amount of times she felt it was necessary to remind us she loves pot and the grand finale song about weed/performance that made me want to hurl things at the TV, everything about her as host was AWFUL.

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-Macklemore AND RYAN LEWIS reenact their weird AF music video for new song Downtown that still makes my ears bleed out. (Also this gentleman with a ladies’ voice gives me nightmares.)

macklemore

-Whatever this horrific excuse for a bit was–definitely didn’t offend anyone. Too soon, Rebel, too soon. I’m obviously referring to seeing her in hot pants.

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-JBiebz HUUUUUGEEEE comeback sooooooked. He wore a trucker hat and headset like he was a member of N*SYNC but accented that with an oversized tee with leggings like I do when I have my period and I’m bloated, all black cause he has a lot of emotions. Speaking of emotions, he hysterically cries at the end of his garbage can performance, I’m assuming because he realized how terrible his voice is.

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-Pharell revives Newsies.

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-Kanye’s Video Vanguard speech is so Kanye. Taylor presents the award (for ratings) closing out her very scripted speech with a new version of “I’mma let you finish.” PLAY THIS OUT MORE, MTV. SERIOUSLY. IT’S ONLY BEEN 6 YEARS. Kanye takes the stage and allows everyone to worship him standing O style for a good 15 minutes. He soaks it in silently telling the audience that he’ll TELL THEM when they can stop applauding. Finally he gives their bleeding hands a break by saying “Bro, bro listen to the kids.” Now we’ll go into a segment where I highlight the few things I understood from this speech that went on all night as the uncomfies took over my life and ended with a presidential bid for 2020.

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SPEECH HIGHLIGHTS:

-He addresses the audience as Bro or Bruh. If I closed my eyes it was almost as if I was hearing a presidential address from ABROham Lincoln. Chills.

-Yeezy thinks about the 2009 VMA’s when he’s having in-depth juice discussions at Whole Foods.

-Gets boo’ed at baseball games because of his inclination toward Hennessy in 2009.

-He probably regrets wearing a leather shirt more than he regrets ripping the mic out of Taylor’s dainty little hands.

-Thoroughly enjoyed JT’s album entitled “Future Love Sexy Back” AKA “Sexy Back album”

-He watched Justin Timberlake cry at the Grammy’s after losing for aforementioned made up album.

-Kanye pre-gamed this speech with some of Miley’s kush. JUST TO TAKE THE EDGE OFF…CHILL, BRUH.

-Any time he’s at a loss for words he shouts “listen to the kids” which seems like terrible advice since kids are really stupid. Then again…Kanye’s an adult. So–catch 22.

-He doesn’t understand how awards shows work.

-He is running for president in 2020. (CAN YOU IMAGINE KIM KARDASHIAN AS FIRST LADY THOUGH?)

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Highs:

-NICK JONAS CROTCH GRAB.

-The Wildest Dreams video. Obviously. I see what you did there, Tay. You made this video just so you could mack all up on Scott Eastwood. Respect. (Full breakdown of video comin atcha, whether you want it or NAHT.)

-Opening peformance from Nicki Minaj where her RB curtz AND buhhole were politely covered by red feathers. My eyes thank you, Nicki. Tay shoots out of the stage with her infamous erect pageant arm in a matching red number for an over the top beef squashing. Tay sang Bad Blood for a second then they were like LAWLZ JK WE’RE FRIENDS! NO BAD BLOOD HERE!

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-Kanye is really into smiling and Taylor Swift’s the SHIT out of audience dancing during “Can’t Feel My Face”. Grey Goose (Marijuana) got the girl feeling loose.

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-Nicki wins—stands at the bottom of the steps until Rebel Wilson comes down to get her and then at the end of her acceptance speech decides to take her hoops off and ask Miley WHATS GOOD, BITCH. It’s a good thing Miley is on another stage because she absolutely poops herself and is like heh you know that was taken out of context Nicki, we good, right grrrlll? I get that this was all 100% scripted because Nicki laughed after it but I don’t care one bit because I now know that Miley can dish it but she can’t take it and I would watch Nicki curbstomp her ANY day. CELEBRITY DEATH MATCH GOOOOOOOO!

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-Tori Kelly SLAY GIRL SLAY. She wears a skintight sparkly jumpsuit that gives me the tingles and lets that killer voice of hers roar on “Should’ve Been Us”. R.I.P to every other performance because this was the only one worth watching all night. Pure talent. Watch in full here

-Demi Lovato did “Cool for the Summer”, a song that I can take or leave but she looked FAB despite being surrounded by men in neon speedos. Iggy came for a quick rap and also looked gr8, then finished with Demi crowd surfing in an inflatable pool, cause summer.

-Tay wins video of the year for Bad Blood, pretends she knows anything about Straight Outta Compton but then gives us this beautiful quote, “We live in a world where boys can play princesses and girls can play soldiers” promptly followed by Miley’s nipple. That sums up the MTV VMA’s better than anything. Goodnight and good luck to our future as human beings.

Winners:

Best Pop Video- Blank Space, Taylor Swift

Best Male Video-Uptown Funk Mark Ronson Ft. Bruno Mars

Best Hip Hop Video- Anaconda, Nicki Minaj

Best Female Video- Blank Space, Taylor Swift

Video with a Social Message- One Man Can Change the World, Big Sean, John Legend, Kanye West

Artist to Watch- Fetty Wap

Video of the Year- Bad Blood, Taylor Swift ft. Kendrick Lamar

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 6/1/15

1. Amy Schumer crushes Glamour’s Trailblazer Acceptance speech. Full disclosz: this speech was suuuuper inapprops,but also hilarious. It’s a dream of mine to one day also win an award from a well-established magazine in a foreign country and drop the term “cum dumpster” in my acceptance speech. Keep on keepin on, Amy…you give me life goals.

2. Iggy Azalea stole my future engagement ring. Swaggy P got down on one swagalicious knee and proposed to Iggy Azalea this past week and gave her largest canary diamond I could ever dream of trying on my dainty finger.

Jelly is an understatement for how I’m feeling about this rock. Hey future husband…if you’re out there and reading my stupid blog scheming up the best way to sweep me off my feet it’s with this exact ring, so like start saving or rob a bank or something and make it happen. Also please be tall. Thank you and goodnight.

3. Full House released unauthorized nightmares. This is the cast pic.

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It’s so ridiculous that even Uncle Joey tweeted it out and was like LAWLZ. So I guess you could say they nailed it.

4. Kim Richards is outtie 5000 on Real Housewives and Kyle Richards is producing a show about their childhood. One Sisters Richards bows out of the reality TV show that probably fueled her alcoholism (it’s for the best) while another Sisters Richards decided to exploit their childhood for a new show on TVLand. Sounds about right. Most importantly…what does Kathy Hilton think about all of this?! Stay relevant, ladiezzzz.

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5. Juicy Tidbits. Lance Bass posts a 90’s-licious TBT of the Spice Girls chumming with N*SYNC in what looks like a mall before any of them were famous. Everything about this picture is glorious, from Posh’s bitch face right down to JT’s Native American felt clogs.

Marky Mark is 44 today…dayyyummnnnn. (obviously an excuse to post the infamous CK photo)

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Miles Teller gets his solo groove on and dances us into the weekend. CUT LOOSE.

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Pop Culture, Red Carpet, Television

People’s Choice Awards Red Carpet Looks

In the spirit of awards season and not missing any one that they air, I actually watched the People’s Choice Awards. Yiiiiikes. I won’t bore you with a recap on them because literally nothing happened. I think the highlight of the night was when Chris Evans escorted Betty White to the stage for her TV Icon Award and it was a real panty-melter to see such a hottie being a gentleman. Adam Sandler won an award and Fall Out Boy performed so I had myself questioning what year it actually was several times. Also hosts Anna Faris and Allison Janney played it safe all night and were basically just there to promote their soon to be cancelled show Moms ad nauseum. Also Iggy Azalea tried to bone Dax Shepard by flirting with him on stage. And we’re all caught up. I did however decide to do a best and worst dressed list because there were some standouts that deserved to be addressed.

Worst Dressed:

allisonjanneyannafaris

I mean these are your hosts and their not looking their best. Anna Faris is wearing a circus ruffle dress and Allison Janney is showing an untasteful amount of cleavage for her age…

amyadams

I’ve seen Amy Adams look stunning and this just wasn’t doing it for me. Too plain. Also I can understand why she wouldn’t pull out the big guns for the People’s Choice Awards.

arielwinter

This is outrageous. I cannot get on board with Ariel Winter and the tuxedo as a dress thing. You look like you’re doing the walk of shame.

ginnifergoodwin

Honest question has Ginnifer Goodwin ever NOT looked like your frumpy aunt?

hillaryscott

I feel like this dress is not the most flattering on Hillary Scott.

katharinemcphee

She’s certainly got the Kim K hourglass to pull this off but it’s just too much.

tajmowry

WOOF with the super low cut tee Taj Mowry. No need to do nips out for the People.

Best Dressed:

sarahhyland

Digging on this sparkly party dress on Sarah Hyland.

kristenbell

Kristen Bell popped out a baby like 2 weeks ago. Damn gurl. Also I’m obsessed with this dress. Fave look of the night.

oliviamunn

The classy crop was a trend last night and I was digging it. Love the sparkles and high pony on Olivia Munn.

kaleycuoco

This is my second fave look of the night. Even though Kaley Cuoco buzzed her head and I hate it, girl is pulling off this cutout dress. Almost makes me want to hit the gym. Almost.

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Jesse McCartney repping well dressed men like nobody’s biz.

iggyazalea

I think this is the best I’ve seen Iggy dress for an awards show. Still not really in our era, but she makes it work.

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Digging on this color on Gabrielle Union.

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Last but certainly not least, Chris Evans looking like the hot piece of ass he is. Dressed casj in a sweater and it makes me want to curl up by the fire with him with a glass of wine while he reads me a book. Whoa. That escalated quickly.

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