Music, Television, Uncategorized

AMA’s 2015 Recap

I gave this show a LOT of shit last year because Pitbull, obviously. Fortunately for everyone, Mr. Worldwide must’ve had prior commitments to wear white capris elsewhere and didn’t even show last night. (Along with Taylor Swift, Calvin Harris, Miranda Lambert, JT, Beyonce…etc. But whose really keeping track?)  No but actually, it appears the only attendees of last night’s awards show were fans who paid thousands of dollars to go, and the handful of winners/performers. I still found ways to laugh at the 10 celebs that were there though…so let’s dive in.

No, Thank You:

-The intro begins with JLo ruining Waiting For Tonight by singing a slowed down, sexed up version in a furry Navajo jacket surrounded by offensively dressed Indians(?) Then she declares it’s not about her (or the decision to wear these costumes) and shakes dat ass with the Redskins to a medley of nominated songs. At one point the furs are shed and what’s left is a bunch of nude body suits with target tattoos located on the dancers’ vaginas. You know, real classy stuff. THIS LASTED 8 MINUTES.

-Prince doesn’t go anywhere without his axe. Or his third eye.

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-If I wanted to see fans sing the wrong words at a concert, I’d go to one. Celebs were sitting like 20 rows back and the audience cam continuously panned to boring strangers. Tay and the seat dancing squad was SORELY missed. (Hailee Steinfeld tried to pick up the slack and came up real short.)

-Selena looked FAB during her performance, unfortunately I can’t say the same for her vocals. Or her backup dancers who looked like knockoff Magic Mikes with Aladdin pants.



-Hey you know that shitty song that turned a singer into a verb for doing it? Well Charlie Puth sang it terribly then Marvin Gayed Meghan Trainor onstage and we all had to watch uncomfortably while they got it on.


-FGL can’t go anywhere without wearing something outrageous and last night didn’t disappoint. The pilgrim hat meets the fivehead. Seriously though, it’s in Tyler’s best interest to start styling his receding hairline differently.


-There was a real extreme close-up of Nick Jonas’s mouth while he was singing and it was disappointing to learn that he has teeth, therefore taking him down a peg or two on the hot scale. Mouth closed, shirt off from now on, pls.

-Coldplay + DANCING GORILLAS. Hey, guys, you sing soulful power melodies…you’re not the Grateful Dead tripping acid onstage. Stop scarin us.


-JLo progressively gets more and more naked as the night goes on and after seeing this number below, I predicted that she would close out the show in pasties.


-Even though Karen Fairchild was wearing F. Me boots, it didn’t distract me enough from the GARBAGE song she sang with Luke Bryan that was essentially the country version of “Lemme Take a Selfie”



-The HIGHLY ANTICIPATED Clueless reunion was really just Alicia Silverstone and Jeremy Sisto introducing Gwen Stefani. Way to really oversell that one.


Yes, Please:

-1D’s array of mid-show fashion. Liam’s red vest. Niall’s lace shirt. HARRY’S flower bolo, flared leisure suit and SPARKLE BOOTS.


-Stars they’re just like us! JLo has the greasiest of hair after her 8 minutes of dancing in culturally insensitive garb to the point where they definitely were forced to wash her hair during a commercial break.


-Frankie Grande was like Ariana who? and made himself the centerpiece of the show from the third row. He was closer to the stage than any celebrity and he made sure we all knew it. He dances in the aisle, bops around and at one point when the camera pans to Nonna Grande, Frankie jumps right in front of her. Nona doesn’t deserve fame like Frankie does.

frankie grnade

-R.I.P Meek Mill. He was being DESTROYED on social media all night and then Nicki went and thanked Drake before him in her acceptance speech. Bye, Meek.


-Nick Jonas changes things up with a church choir singing Jealous (and a lickworthy drum solo).

-While Macklemore did some slam poetry about medicine next to a guy with the skinniest tie I’ve ever seen, the audience was preetttyy unsure of how to groove, resulting in the funniest new dance move of the night: white guy jazz hands.


-Alanis has still got it 20 years later! Shit. Demi and her teamed up to growl about Dave Coulier and it was fabulous. Alanis hasn’t missed a beat since the 90’s.


-Celine sings a tribute to Paris in a beautiful gown. Not to take anything away from the lovely performance but I miss Celine. A lot. And I’d like to petition for her to perform “It’s All Coming Back To Me Now” at the next awards show because I know it would be electric. All in favor say “I finished crying in the instant that you left.”


-I hate Bieber with the fire of a thousand suns but I know when it’s time to respect the fact that it’s his world and he knows it. He did “Sorry” splash waterfalls style and literally lip-synced right in everyone’s grillpiece in wet jeans that I can only assume resulted in chafing.




Soul/R&B Album- The Weeknd

Pop/Rock Duo or Group- One Direction

Country Male- Luke Bryan

Soundtrack- Pitch Perfect 2

R&B/Hip-Hop Album- Nicki Minaj “The Pinkprint”

New Artist of the Year- Sam Hunt

Pop/Rock Female- Ariana Grande

Country Female- Carrie Underwood

Collaboration of the Year- Justin Bieber Skrillex & Diplo

Alternative Artist- Fallout Boy

Rap/Hip-Hop Artist- Nicki Minaj

Soul/ R&B Male- The Weeknd

Artist of the Year- One Direction


Pop Culture

Turkey Day Highlights

I made the sacrifice on a relaxing day full of family and food, to permanently glue my ass to the couch and consume everything on TV this morning just for you guys. You’re welcome, really. Here are the greatest hits of the Macy’s parade and the National Dog Show…should you be sick of family time and looking for some reading material post-turkey nap.


Macy’s Parade:

-Baldwinsville marching band does a SASSY rendition of a daft punk medley and reps CNY for all to see.

-Meghan Trainor performs a new song that I dig hard on a children’s toy float. Gurrrl power.

-There’s a Sea World float with Shamu that feels like it shouldn’t be included due to the fact that ever since Blackfish came out everyone hates Sea World. Read the crowd, guys…

-Nick Jonas wears the shit out of a peacoat and sings Jealous Guy…atop a cruise line float, which leads me to wonder if people get to pick the float they ride on?

-Matt Lauer is forced to describe balloons as if they are celebrities walking down the red carpet. “And here comes Paddington Bear wearing his signature hat and jacket…”

-There was a Peter Pan preview/performance and I got even less excited for the premiere of this live show next week–which means my excitement levels are in the negatives currently.

-MKTO got me revved up by singing Classic (still can’t get sick of that one) and also they won the float lottery with Ninja Turtles, MKTO has street cred, yo.

-In my dad’s words: Kiss “blew shit up again…ya gotta love ’em.” Though I don’t share this opinion, their performance was miles better than the weird video game salute dance that was shortly after.

-They promote the new Annie with that little 7 year old who almost swept the Oscars and brought a dog purse to the show a couple years ago, Jay-Z’s version of Hard Knock Life will ALWAYS be better, jus sayin.

National Dog Show:

(I didn’t see the whole show, sorry I’m not sorry, some of us had to take public transportation to our thanksgiving destination today)

-So many sensible shoes in one room, so little time.

-I saw a lot of ugly dogs and I didn’t think that would be possible considering how much I love puppies.

-Speaking of ugly dogs, the hairless black one that looked like an animated dog from Harry Potter will haunt my dreams tonight.

-What was the deal with the handlers eating their dogs’ treats? Share the wealth, guys. Nobody likes a tease.

-When my dad and I were contributing absolutely nothing to dinner, sitting on the couch making fun of dogs and my mom asked if he would come carve the turkey he replied, “No, they’re about to announce the best in show.” Happy Holidays from my family to yours.

-The man, the myth, the legend, Edd “Double D” E. Bivin was the Best in Show judge. What a rockstar.

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-Nathan the Bloodhound won but let’s be straight up here…the sammy was ROBBED with the second place award. The sammy trotted around with an ear to ear grin and looked like a fluffy pile of happiness and was also well-behaved so WTF, Double D Ed?! I demand a recount.

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Tha real MVP.

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Hope ya’ll had a nice Thanksgiving and stuff. I never thought leggings could feel constricting but that’s a place I got to today. Proud of it.


PS I didn’t want to have to go here, but Pitbull came close to ruining the day when he performed in Dallas as the halftime show. He did the same medley of songs he does every time he hits a stage and he was wearing creepy gloves and shades and grinding up on the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. Can we have a solid week without him on TV orrrr?