JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/13/17

1. Sexiest Man Alive Continues to be HOT GARBAGE.

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Look, I’ve been outraged by People’s choice for as long as I’ve had this blog. The first year I was so fired up that I wrote a whole blog dedicated to it. Now I’m just jaded. I’ve come to accept that Sexiest Man Alive is the biggest Hollywood hack job and I think it’s time that we move on and ignore People every year until they do away with this title. Because internet outrage is still attention for them and they love the shit out of that. Ignore them like the smelly kid at recess and show them that putting a country singer whose been around for 900 years and is most well known for hosting a reality singing show and gallivanting around with Ms. No Doubt DOES NOT DESERVE THE TITLE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE. #TeamMiranda4Lyfe

2. VS Fashion Show Lineup. Interesting marketing tactic for pulling in viewers to the annual “watch skinny girls strut around in comically over-sized wings to today’s pop hits”. Tossing together Taylor Swift, Katy Perry & Harry Styles. Obviously Tay & Hay had a past fling and Tay and Kay had a past feud. So, they’re trying to stir up some shit but in reality they probably are kept apart by publicists and each perform their own hit and that will be that. Does it make me a big lez if I’m more excited to see what “bad Tay” will don for lingerie considering her last appearance featured her wearing this:

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If so, then I’m AOK with that. Update: Just before I published, there’s a story being tossed around that Katy’s visa or whatever isn’t approved to perform at this show. Fingers crossed this is true. WE ALL KNOW WHO THE WEAK LINK IS HERE, GUYS.

3. Congrats on the Sex. HEY DID YOU GUYS KNOW THAT SARAH HYLAND AND WELLS ADAMS ARE DATING? Because once Halloween and that picture of the two of them dressed up as Stranger Things characters hit the airwaves it was like a floodgate in Sarah’s oversharing on social media tactic was opened and now we as the public are basically intimately a part of their relationship. They banter on twitter, they both post pictures almost daily & then she gets pissed at everyone for telling her that she’s oversharing. You know, normal stuff. I will say exactly what I said on my Reputation review…it’s fabulous that you’re happy but like THE KEY TO HAPPINESS IS NOT BARFING YOUR RELATIONSHIP ALL OVER SOCIAL MEDIA SO EVERYONE CAN COMMENT ON IT BECAUSE YOU’RE FAMOUS AND THEY THINK THEY KNOW YOU. End rant.

Two more reasons to smile again. My big🥄& furry🥄

A post shared by Sarah Hyland (@sarahhyland) on

4. Barf City, Population: Me.

Gee, thanks Nicki for making me barf uncontrollably all over my keyboard. That’s it. That’s all I got.

5. Tree Hill is not a place where everything’s better and everything’s safe. As a very public OTH superfan, it would be inapprops of me not to report the reason it became a highly discussed show this week… 5 years after it stopped airing. The latest on the long list of Hollywoood pervs is Marc Schwann, creator and showrunner of OTH, and current showrunner of equally as delicious trash teen TV show, The Royals. According to this letter that was released mid-week, Schwann sucks. Leading the charge were public feminists and whistleblowers Hilarie Burton (called out Ben Affleck REAL HARD for some boob grabbing) and Sophia Bush (calls out everyone, always). In summary–pls follow the tweets below for everyone’s commentary–a female writer spoke out against Marc, all the OTH girls got on a conference call and drafted a public letter, all the men tweeted their support, lead of The Royals speaks out, ladies of the Royals pen their own British version of the OTH letter, all the men tweet their support, Marc is suspended pending investigation & Elizbeth Hurley is like I’ve never been harassed once in my life, so IDK what’s going on. SAARRRYYY. My take on this from the many different stories that I read is that Marc is kinda an egomaniac douchenozzle in general. Kind of puts OTH and the Royals in an icky light though if he’s running shows about young kids and being a real cr33p. Since this is quite the hot button issue these days and I don’t want to come off as insensitive, I’ll just give out the information and you can do with it what you will. I know. Mark this moment in history as the only time I’ve held back my opinions so as not to stir the pot. HOWEVER, I WILL SAY…Grubbs the bartender made a statement of support and from Chad Michael Murray, THE MAIN CHARACTER OF THE ENTIRE SERIES? We got nothin. He retweeted something and that was that. YIIIIIKKES. #BurnLucasDownSIS

THE ROYALS:

 

 

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Television

Fresh TV Recommendations

I don’t know if you’ve heard but I watch a lot of TV. My dependence on TV is so serious that when my cable wasn’t working for a week in college I called my dad every single day to cry about it until it was fixed. I was only receiving the God channel that plays actual church 24/7. Yeah it was probably a sign but I refused to accept it. Anyway, since there is unlimited amounts of new shows every few months, I try to expand my palette and I’ve decided to share my findings. From downright trashy to somewhat critically acclaimed, hopefully there’s something for everyone here. Binge away! (Note: Some shows have yet to premiere, but I took it upon myself to recommend them anyway, because I do what I want.)

1. Hindsight, VH1-Wednesdays 10P

hindsight Obviously VH1 is not the most esteemed TV network what with their Love & Hip Hop or Basketball Wives or whatever, but they’re trying to get into the scripted TV game and all they really needed to do was start running ads with 90’s music and they had me hooked. This show has a flashback premise, so if you only watch realistic shows it’s probably not for you. Becca (Olivia from She’s the Man) is about to get married for the 2nd time in present day and she’s like hey maybe I’m making the wrong decision and she gets in an elevator and suddenly she’s back in 1995 on the eve of her first wedding and great news she gets to relive her 20’s again and make better decisions this time. There’s a lot of love triangles, Ace of Base and hiiiiideous 90’s fashion, which makes it pretty awesome. Also, great news it just got renewed for season 2, so catch up now and immerse yourself in the velvet and overalls. Sway Factor(s): Hot men (if you’re into that sort of thing) and black chokers. andy jamie Screen shot 2015-03-17 at 9.45.41 PM sean Screen shot 2015-03-17 at 9.46.13 PM

2. Empire, Fox-Wednesdays 9P

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This is more on the critically acclaimed side of things because it’s actually getting good reviews and has a lot of star power behind it. Basically it’s about the Lyon family, who is a full-on hot mess and how they run their successful Hip Hop/R&B record label. Lucious Lyon is the head and a real D-bag, also former rapper/singer and his three sons or heirs to the throne are varying degrees of spoiled dicks. His ex-wife and part founder of Empire, Cookie, just got released from jail after 17 years from dealing drugs and she’s back to tear shit up and be a general sassternaut. Essentially this is the urban version of Nashville, except it doesn’t have tired story lines yet. There’s some drug stuff, and some murdering stuff and some music stuff, ya heard? Sway Factor(s): There’s an actual song that youngest Lyon raps with the chorus “She make that thang go Drip drop, drip drippity drop.” I’ll let you use your imagination to figure that one out. Season Finale is this week but that gives you all summer to catch up before season 2. Also you get to see Cookie wear some of the SASSIEST outfits of anyone on TV ever and lay down some great one liners. leopard 9-Ways-Taraji-Slayed-As-Cookie-Lyon-On-Empire-feat Empire tumblr_nix9afQ2tY1u80fa2o4_400

3. Lip Sync Battle, Spike-Premieres April 2nd 10P

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As you probably know from my JUice a month or so ago, once they announced that the host of this show was going to be LL Cool J, I really wanted to hate all over it. They took a sacred Fallon sketch and turned it into a show with a washed up Kangol aficionado hosting. But damnit, I’m going back on my word because it actually looks entertaining. They released some teaser trailers and clips for it and now I feel like it might be must-see TV. Fallon makes some appearances and apparently Chrissy Teigen is just a fly girl on the sides or something? All I know is that I’m in. Sway Factor: There’s props and costumes.

4. The Grace Helbig Show, E!-Premieres April 3rd 10:30P

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Grace Helbig started out on Youtube with quick webisodes about goofy shit and after watching a few of them here and there I feel like her new show will be fab, which is why I’m raving about it before it has even started. I’m sure this is E!’s attempt to fill the void that Chelsea Handler left behind but regardless, I think we can all agree that E! needs to clean up the huge dumpster fire that Fashion Police created for them. Grace is awkward and silly and makes a lot of inapprops poop jokes. I think you can quickly assume why I love her. Her book released this year entitled, “Grace’s Guide: The Art of Pretending to be a Grown-Up” is a fun read and she gives some great advice. Case in point, her advice for first dates is to never eat something that would upset your stomach… “Let your personality be explosive, not your butthole.” I think she’ll make for GREAT television. Sway Factor: IT’S NOT THE KARDASHIANS.

5. Marry Me, NBC (Pretty much already cancelled)

Marry Me - Season 1

I’m throwing you for a quick loop here by adding in a show that most certainly will not survive past it’s first season, in fact it was basically already edged off the air. I’m doing this because A. if you were a fan of Happy Endings you’ll appreciate it and B. it has witty writing and if you watch it you’ll probably learn some cool new abbrevs. It’s basically Penny from Happy Endings but with a guy who can tolerate her. They’re engaged and living together and have a bunch of weird friends. Plus now we have a sitcom to round out my list of shows to check out. (I’m totally mailing it in, it was really hard to think of a 5th show, judge me, I dare you.) Anywho, the first handful of episodes from this show were actually very funny and although it went downhill real quick maybe it will feed your Happy Endings-less nostalgia.

Sway Factor: The return of DRAMA Derek & hip pop culture references, kick ass relationship goals:

“Annie: Hey bae. Jake: Is bae really that much shorter than babe? It’s literally the same amount of syllables. Annie: But that extra “b” makes my mouth so tired.”

Marry Me

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BONUS: The Royals, E!-Sundays 10P

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Although I haven’t watched this yet and it is sure to be appointment trash television, I felt obliged to add it to the list because Marc Schwann is the creator and if this show is half as fantastic as One Tree Hill, it’ll be very entertaining. Plus, Brits <3. Good news is that the series premiere was just last Sunday so not a lot of catching up necessary.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

1. The Royals met Will & Kate

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“My breasts are George’s breakfast.”-Kate

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Yeah, yeah, this happened Monday and technically now it’s old news but it would be embarrassing if I rounded up the best headlines from the week and glossed over this. If you saw this photo of the royals mingling with Will & Kate and didn’t immediately wonder what they could possibly talking about then I don’t want to know you as a person. I mean they could’ve been marrying off George and Blue Ivy for all we know. (Fingers crossed) Also Lebron James obviously tried to insert himself into the cool kids group, grammed a picture with Will & Kate and called them the Queen and the Prince and himself the King (naturally) and then quickly corrected it. He also took a lot of heat (pun intended) for how grabby he was with the Duchess and how that’s real frowned upon in England. Get it together, Lebron. Gawd. Stop making our country look trashy & sweaty.

lebron

 

PS In fresher Queen B news, she released a short film today for the one year anniversary of the secret album heard round the world. I watched it and considered including it in the juice, but it’s 11 mins and 30 seconds worth of cliche quotes and weird artsy scenes and I will not subject my readers to that. Watch at your own risk and be prepared to hear a lot of quotes you usually see on the poster in the Dentist’s office.

2. Marky Mark and Jimmy Fallon have a giant hand slapfest.

Do I have the maturity level of a 5 year old who couldn’t stop laughing at two grown men big hand slapping each other? Absolutely and I’ve come to terms with that. Mark has been in the news a lot lately for being a big jerk who wants to be pardoned for his near murder of a man when he was just a kid on the dirty streetz of Dorchestah. It was nice to see him settle down and have some nice goofy times with Jimmy, and also letting Jimmy mess up his stupid slicked hair. SLICKED HAIR ISN’T HOT MARKY MARK. But this is:

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 3. The Golden Globes and SAG Nominees were announced–which means we’re closer to more awards show recaps from yours truly!! The biggest jazz about this nominees list is that Ben Affleck got snubbed, as is now a tradition apparently. On the bright side, someone in a dark corner of the Internet released the uncut shower scene from Gone Girl and we can all bask in the glory of Ben’s junk. It’s unfortunate that the one quality movie I did see this year (Gone Girl) only got a few noms. So everyone can look forward to me fully focusing on making fun of the Golden Globes rather than giving film reviews, as I clearly don’t watch award-winning movies.

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Golden Globe Full Nominee List:

BEST MOTION PICTURE, DRAMA
Boyhood
Selma
The Imitation Game
The Theory of Everything
Foxcatcher

BEST ACTRESS, MOTION PICTURE, DRAMA
Julianne Moore, Still Alice
Reese Witherspoon, Wild
Rosamund Pike, Gone Girl
Felicity Jones, The Theory of Everything
Jennifer Aniston, Cake

BEST ACTOR, MOTION PICTURE DRAMA
Eddie Redmayne, The Theory of Everything
Benedict Cumberbatch, The Imitation Game
Steve Carell, Foxcatcher
David Oyelowo, Selma
Jake Gyllenhaal, Nightcrawler

BEST DIRECTOR
Richard Linklater, Boyhood
Alejandro González Iñárritu, Birdman
Ava DuVernay, Selma
David Fincher, Gone Girl
Wes Anderson, The Grand Budapest Hotel

BEST TV DRAMA
The Good Wife
Downton Abbey
Game of Thrones
The Affair
House of Cards

BEST ACTOR, TV SERIES, DRAMA
Kevin Spacey, House of Cards
Clive Owen, The Knick
Dominic West, The Affair
James Spader, The Blacklist
Liev Schreiber, Ray Donovan

BEST ACTRESS, TV SERIES, DRAMA
Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife
Robin Wright, House of Cards
Viola Davis, How to Get Away With Murder
Ruth Wilson, The Affair
Claire Danes, Homeland

BEST MOTION PICTURE, MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Birdman
Into the Woods
St. Vincent
Pride
The Grand Budapest Hotel

BEST ACTRESS, MOTION PICTURE, MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Emily Blunt, Into the Woods
Amy Adams, Big Eyes
Julianne Moore, Maps to the Stars
Helen Mirren, The Hundred-Foot Journey
Quvenzhané Wallis, Annie

BEST ACTOR, MOTION PICTURE, MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Michael Keaton, Birdman
Ralph Fiennes, The Grand Budapest Hotel
Bill Murray, St. Vincent
Joaquin Phoenix, Inherent Vice
Christoph Waltz, Big Eyes 

BEST TV COMEDY
Girls
Jane the Virgin
Orange Is the New Black
Silicon Valley
Transparent

BEST ACTRESS IN A TV SERIES, COMEDY
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep
Taylor Schilling, Orange Is the New Black
Lena Dunham, Girls
Gina Rodriguez, Jane the Virgin
Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie

BEST ACTOR IN A TV SERIES, COMEDY
Don Cheadle, House of Lies
Ricky Gervais, Derek
Jeffrey Tambor, Transparent
Louis C.K., Louie
William H. Macy, Shameless

BEST TV MINISERIES OR MOVIE
True Detective
Fargo
The Normal Heart
Olive Kitteridge
The Missing

BEST ACTRESS IN A TV MINISERIES OR MOVIE
Frances McDormand, Olive Kitteridge
Maggie Gyllenhaal, The Honorable Woman
Jessica Lange, American Horror Story: Freak Show
Frances O’Connor, Missing
Allison Tolman, Fargo

BEST ACTOR IN A TV MINISERIES OR MOVIE
Matthew McConaughey, True Detective
Billy Bob Thornton, Fargo
Martin Freeman, Fargo
Woody Harrelson, True Detective
Mark Ruffalo, The Normal Heart

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A TV SERIES, MINISERIES, OR MOTION PICTURE
Allison Janney, Mom
Uzo Aduba, Orange Is the New Black
Kathy Bates, American Horror Story: Freak Show
Michelle Monaghan, True Detective
Joan Frogatt, Downton Abbey

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A TV SERIES, MINISERIES, OR MOTION PICTURE
Matthew Bomer, The Normal Heart
Jon Voight, Ray Donovan
Bill Murray, Olive Kitteridge
Alan Cumming, The Good Wife
Colin Hanks, Fargo

BEST SCREENPLAY, MOTION PICTURE
Birdman
Boyhood
Gone Girl
The Grand Budapest Hotel
The Imitation Game

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
Ida
Tangerine Mandarin
Leviathan
Force Majeure
Gett: The Trial of Viviane Amsalem

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR, MOTION PICTURE
J.K. Simmons, Whiplash
Edward Norton, Birdman
Mark Ruffalo, Foxcatcher
Ethan Hawke, Boyhood
Robert Duvall, The Judge

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS, MOTION PICTURE
Patricia Arquette, Boyhood
Emma Stone, Birdman
Meryl Streep, Into the Woods
Keira Knightley, The Imitation Game
Jessica Chastain, A Most Violent Year

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
The Lego Movie
Big Hero 6
How to Train Your Dragon 2
The Boxtrolls
The Book of Life

BEST ORIGINAL SONG
John Legend & Common, “Glory” (Selma)
Lana Del Rey, “Big Eyes” (Big Eyes)
Patti Smith, “Mercy Is” (Noah)
Sia, “Opportunity” (Annie)
Lorde, “Yellow Flicker Beat” (The Hunger Games: Mockingjay — Part I)

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE
Johann Johannsson, The Theory of Everything
Alexandre Desplat, The Imitation Game
Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross, Gone Girl
Antonio Sanchez, Birdman
Hans Zimmer, Interstellar

4. Lauren Conrad was featured on a Pop Innovator special on E! last night and I couldn’t have been more excited to watch it. Trey made an appearance because he’s still a supportive BFF to LC and he also aged REAL well. It also featured the creator of Laguna Beach/The Hills, LC’s whole family, best friend & business partner and her agent. It was a behind the scenes look at the life of Lauren Conrad including some real adorbsies home videos and childhood photos. Things I learned: 1. LC’s 22 year old brother is a smoke, where has he been hiding? 2. LC was supposed to be at a soccer game the day they had auditions for Laguna Beach and she didn’t go and therefore was kicked off the team–LC was an ATHLETE?! 3. She agreed to do The Hills mostly for the paycheck…a TV show about her life is literally comparable to the rest of us taking a receptionist job right out of college..doing it for the paycheck/insurance. That immediately put my life into perspective. 4. Apparently the Teen Vogue internship was an actual internship (not all scripted) and she was expected to do intern things even though her cover photo hung on the wall in the office. Side note: Blaine made an appearance and is still very hot and was much nicer than he ever was on The Hills. 5. In case you hadn’t already figured it out, my girl crush on LC has grown three sizes since watching this. Plus she looked GREAT on the special:

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5. Barbara Walters Announced Most Fascinating People on The View. Babs named: Neil Patrick Harris, Oprah Winfrey, Taylor Swift, Chelsea Handler, Michael Strahan, Scarlett Johansson, and David Koch will be featured in her annual most fascinating people special. The additional three interviewees will be revealed during the broadcast. I’m like 90% sure she picks the same people every year but if it’s a slow TV night you bet your bottom dollar I’ll be watching and possibly blogging about it. Might be good for some juicy TSwizzle tidbits.

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Outfit on point as alwayz

 

Bonus:  For my fellow New Girl fans (or Cuse people) Zooey Deschanel filmed fat Schmidt lip synching and dancing to Rihanna. (Follow link below)

http://hellogiggles.com/rihanna-vs-schmidt

schmidt

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