Starting with Farmer Chris Soules in 2015 right up until Becca Kufrin in 2018, I recapped every episode of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. If you’re feeling nostalgic or re-binging the seasons, feel free to stop here for some snarky laughs.
The Bachelorette – Supes Unpredictable
Becca’s family has made it to the Maldives and she can’t wait to ask them to pick her future husband because she loves them both and can’t decide. Her family gets the Garrett sneak preview that he’s been married before. Tough room to walk into when the only info they’re fed is that he’s already…
The Bachelorette – Don’t Be Like Arie
Blakey-Face Per Bachelorette tradition in Thailand, Becca takes Blake to the sacred temples, where they cannot touch or kiss, WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY THE HARDEST THING EITHER OF THEM HAS EVER DONE. Not trying to bone each other for like a half hour is rrrrrlllllyyyy difficult. Ugh. New couples are the WERST. They learn about true…
The Bachelorette – I Wanna Find My Person
Mantacea, CA with Garrett Garrett’s family owns an agricultural business. He shows her a “planter” and I shoot up off my couch in cold sweats suffering from severe Farmer Chris Soules PTSD. Don’t do this to me, ABC. Put farming in the grave next to Chris Soules’ clean driving record. BOOM. ROASTED. Garrett walks into…
The Bachelorette – She’s Not My Person
Becca wants to move to the Bahamas. Becca is all of us. Except for the part where she gets paid to go there and mack a bunch of dudes. In the Chris and Becca weekly gab sesh; Becca declares that she wants no drama this week. Something tells me there will be drama. Chris Harrison…
The Bachelorette – I Was Gonna Open Up
Full Discloszh: I missed the first hour of last week’s episode and rather than somehow make it up to write the recap, I decided I had 0.0% desire to do that. SARRRYYY. Richmond, VA This bum ass town is apparently known for love. Cause they have a statue that spells out love. Becca sits down…
The Bachelorette – Captain UNDApants
“I’m like a sponge, you can squeeze me and get everything out of me… But you’ll never know until you try.” Back at our SUPER dramatic cocktail party that was to be continued for no reason, Blake and Becca talk about what they’ll name their 5 children. They’re vibin real hard because they both like…
The Bachelorette – No Spring Chicken
All the guys in the house are apparently besties except for Jordan, who has to eat his breakfast in the corner of the kitchen, facing the backsplash tile. This sets the tone for the MOST DRAMATIC episode ever. And by MOST DRAMATIC, I of course mean that the editors cut shit together for a full…
The Bachelorette – I Wore My Underwear, Bro
I’m Ready for My Big Day with Clay, Nick, Chris R, David, Jean Blanc, Jordan, Connor & Lincoln The guys try on tuxes and Jordan needs to show off how he walks like a model. They go outside to do the exact same date that Rachel had all of her guys do last season (an…
The Bachelorette – Let’s Do the Damn Rebound!
If ABC teaches us anything it’s that if you allow them to tape your breakup, they will throw you a bone and let you cruise around LA in a red Ferrari convertible for shits and giggles. Becca sits down with Rachel, JoJo and my gurl Kaitlyn. They’re like F**K Arie, you do you girl. True…
The Bachelorette S14 – Ranking the Contestants
Listen, not only is this show slowly but surely going down the shitter but they’ve also apparently done away with the quirky questionnaire under each person’s photo. So you’ll have to excuse me if this blog seems meaner than previous ones because I have LITERALLY nothing to go off of but these stupid headshots and…
The Bachelor – It’s All About Becca
HEY GUYS WE’RE BACK! As if this wasn’t enough of a ratings ploy, we kicked off the after show by watching THE EXACT SAME THING WE ALREADY WATCHED. Yanno, in case it wasn’t already hammered home that Becca got dumped, why not watch it all over again? Then we watch her fly home (coach) and…
The Bachelor – “I’m not like, gonna hug you goodbye.”
https://twitter.com/TheSaltyJu/status/970827844472451074 Meeting the FAM! Arie tells his dad that he’s in love with both girls and his dad replies, “good luck, buddy!” Lauren meets the gang first. Arie just wants Lauren to speak today around his family. That’s pretty much all he’s hoping for. Lauren is concerned she’ll have another broken engagement, Arie is concerned…
The Bachelor – The One Where Ross Surprises Becca
After last week’s lead off with Arie and Kendall stuffing dead white mice in a creepy warehouse full of animal skins, I contemplated not only giving up on this season, but giving up on this trash ass franchise as a whole. Instead, I gave myself a break, didn’t subject myself to the hometown visits or…
The Bachelor – On the Precipice of Falling in Love
Tuscany Jacqueline is at a point where she feels like she could make the decision to fall in love. Let’s Fall in Love Under the Tuscan Sun with Becca They drive an old hot rod into town and Arie shows us he sucks at Italian when he orders a loaf of bread. On their picnic,…
The Bachelor – Au revoir Baby Voice
Chris Harrison: Welcome to paris, Man! Arie: Thanks, Dude #BROMANCE. Something French with Lauren B. Arie tells Lauren he was saving this date for her. Which seems like a real load of bullshit. They take a walking tour of the city (what a special date to save) and Lauren says wow a bunch of times.…
The Bachelor – Investing In Myself
Florida stuff with Chelsea They yacht it up and then Chelsea straddles Arie on a jetski while the ladies watch from the balcony with a telescope like masochistic peeping toms. They’re all feeling very victimized by this makeout session that they’re spying on. Later Chelsea talks about falling for a sugar daddy basically, sorry—she called…
The Bachelor – Glam Shaming
So I came in 20 minutes late tonight…sue me. It’s exhausting to carve two hours out of my life every Monday. (Apparently I missed Maquel leaving…was the reason dramatic or what? Fill me in.) I started watching where Arie takes Sienne to the Hard Rock Café, what a hawt date spot. Sienne gives some real…
The Bachelor – I’m Getting Dumber
The episode starts off with a ladytestant saying, “How’s everyone feeling today?” And from the sea of bitches, one solo Valley girl dramatic voice sounds, “I’m emotionally and physically DRAINED.” Are the girls trolling now? This girl whose name I can’t possibly remember didn’t actually say that in that way and be taken seriously, right?…
The Bachelor – Sleep with One Eye Open
Hold on Tight with Becca K Arie picks up Becca, hops on a hog and goes “so you just have to hold onto me ok?” Gawd, do they create every sort of sexual dating fantasy for every girl? I went three months in Italy thinking I was legitimately going to meet an Italian and he…
The Bachelor – Hair Down, Boobs Out
We’re back for another season of The Bachelor because like ABC couldn’t even give us New Year’s Day to recover, which is pretty selfish of them, TBH. We’re introduced to Arie, for me it’s the first time I’m meeting him since I didn’t Bach until 2015 and he was on it like five solid years…
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The Salty Ju 