JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/30/18

Great news everyone, we’ve made it to May, which is the month of ME so feel free to lavish me with compliments and gifts every single day for the next 31 days. Because as we all know, females don’t have a birth DAY, they have a birth MONTH and if you don’t acknowledge that you’re a garbage can human.

1. *NSYNC Mini Reunion.

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As we are all very aware, the last day of April brings the godforsaken Justin Timberlake It’s Gonna be May meme that floods the internet and everything thinks they’re original by posting it (kinda like the Miss Congeniality perfect date or Mean Girls October 3rd schtick) and unfortunately *NSYNC played RIGHT INTO IT by planning their Hollywood star ceremony for the same day. I’m going to politely ignore that part and focus on the fun stuff, like the fact that Justin is still clearly the number 1 bae of *NSYNC and you can tell they’re all over it, real hard. Or the fact that JC thought he could roll up looking like a dad whose trying to be trendy with surfer hair and RED BOOTS. JC. Come on. Even Chris and Joey look better than you because at least they embraced their oldness–Joey is literally wearing dad sneaks with his getup. Let it happen, bruh. No need to be tossing on red booties with your suit! Below are some of the speeches and a fairly boring game of Never Have I Ever where they basically lie and say they didn’t do anything when WE ALL KNOW that being a boy band superstar in your teens/early twenties meant that you certainly did a lot of bang, bang, bangity, banging. For now, feel free to place your bets on which spice girl JT smooched. My guess is Baby. NOW CAN WE PLEASE GET A REUNION SONG AND CORRELATING MUSIC VIDEO?! I’M BEGGING YOU.

2. XxXtina. 

Did anyone miss Xtina? Well she’s been on a casual 6 year hiatus from music. Her most recent claim to fame was a Whitney tribute at one of the award shows where everyone questioned what was going on with her face. Can confirm her face still looks weird but wouldn’t you know, everyone’s face looks weird when they’re lapping milk from a glass and trying to be sexy in a music video with MAD closeups on her mouth/tongue. This is her latest beat that is preeetttyy hard on the ears but she’s clearly going for the street cred by having two rappers featured on it that I assume are popular with the youths these days. To be completely honest I couldn’t even finish watching this music video. Once someone looks right into your soul and licks a glass of 2% then lets it drip down their chin, I have to just call it quits and never look back. Mazel to Xtina for giving me all of the uncomfies this week! PS do you think this song is about sex? LMK.

3. Miranda’s A Little Sleazy.

miranda

I think it’s time to address the elephant in the room that is Miranda Lambert’s love for infidelity. I wanted to ignore the rumors when her and Blake split because I’ve always been a fan of Miranda’s music and that she’s a total boss babe who wins all the awards and is better then most of the boys in country. I turned my ears off whenever anyone talked about her cheating and I hated Blake and Gwen on principle because they were flaunting their relationship too hard and I don’t appreciate an attention grabber post-divorce. I was firmly Team Miranda. Except now her music isn’t that great anymore, she’s kind of a stuck up bitch at awards shows and in the past two weeks she’s been outed HARD for being a cheatin skank. Her latest fling is with someone she toured with who is married and basically stayed out on tour with Miranda without telling his wife when he would be coming back and when he did return it was with some divorce papers. YIKES CITY. Obviously both parties are at fault here since both Miranda and Evan were in relationships when they began to “write music together.” Either way, NOT A GOOD LOOK. Blake had the below snarky tweet and Evan’s soon to be ex wife has been using Instagram story to talk shit and jam out to Before He Cheats. (Social media maturity at its finest)

So accept this as my official declaration that I am no longer #TeamMiranda and maybe she should take a little sabbatical from banging strange whilst otherwise in a relationship. Let the records also show that this does not make me Team Gwen/Blake. Because I still think those two are obnoxious. WE GET IT….OPPOSITES ATTRACT AND YOU LOVE EACH OTHER. Do it privately.

4. ASHLEE SIMPSON SHOW REBOOT.

ashlee

Word on the streets of trash tv, Ashlee Simpson and Evan Ross will be getting their own reality show. As an avid viewer of BOTH The Ashlee Simpson Show and Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica, I couldn’t be happier for this comeback to reality TV. T’s & P’s that they don’t have the Newlyweds curse (still holding out for a Nick and Jessica reunion though, never give up hope.) Apparently the show will center around Ashlee and Evan taking on the music biz together, which I strongly advise against but should make for entertaining telly. Maybe that little nugget of theirs Jagger will make guest appearances and she proved to be the cutest during Diana Ross’s AMA tribute.

jagger

5. Blake Pulls a Tay.

Blake Lively took a page out of her bestie Tay’s book for promoting and cleared out her instagram, unfollowed everyone all in the name of promoting a new movie. Everyone crapped their pants, specifically because she unfollowed that hunk of a husband Ryan Reynolds, which typically means things are heading south but CHILL EVERYONE SHE JUST WANTS TICKET SALES TO GO UP FOR HER THRILLER WITH ANNA KENDRICK. Looks super weird. Can’t say I support erasing so many beautiful pics that I’ve posted on here and drooled over just for a little movie marketing, but who am I to judge. Who am I kidding. I’m Judge Judy here. Get your old insta back, Blake.

👋 … (SOUND UP!!!🔔🔊🔔🃏😁)

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/23/18

Sorry for the hiatus, but like, you can actually blame Hollywood for not having enough gossip for 5 headlines each week. I know you’ve missed me though so don’t you even fret. I’ll force five worthy stories if I have to.

1. Louis Arthur Charles.

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Obviously the biggest news in the past week has been the birth and then finally name of the latest royal beeb. They really held out on releasing the name until today, which seems pretty dumb considering there’s only like 5 options for a royal name based on family names. The real storyline here is how Kate looked like a total babe soda 5 minutes after giving birth. I can’t even imagine knowing that you’ll walk out of the hospital, post-pushing a human out of your vag, to a swarm of paparazzi and you have to look profesh AF because you’re a royal and the Queen will hate you if you don’t.

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Kate nailed it obviously. As she always does. She looked better than me on a good day by miles and that’s why she’s a Duchess and I am not. If I ever allow a child to destroy my downstairs, I will stay in the hospital unshowered the maximum amount of days allotted and then will spend the first months wearing leggings and oversized sweatshirts. Hell, I’m not even pregnant and I wear that exact outfit on a daily basis anyway, so really I’ll just maintain my current maternity style.

2. RIP Avicii. Another weekend tidbit of news but it also was just updated and confirmed that he took his own life. Sad news in the music world for everyone who likes a little WOMP WOMP in their tunes. The fact that he committed suicide at the age of 28 makes it real eerie. To distract from this depressing news, I will tell the tale of when his banger Levels came out and everyone on the planet played it 24/7 and acted as though they discovered EDM music. It became a running joke among my friend and I to just send each other a text or a tweet and be like omg have you heard that song Levels?! ITS SO GOOD. Unfortunately we can no longer make that joke without it being in bad taste. So instead, treat your ears to the masterpiece that is Levels and think of a 19 year old Julia fist pumping in a trashy homemade neon shirt that covered my shorts thus making it look like I decided not to wear pants at the Barstool Blackout Tour. I not only lost my fake ID (sorry Nikki) that night, I also lost a little piece of my dignity.

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3. Puppet Ed Returns.

I was curious to see how Ed could’ve made a music video out of the second most depressing song on Divide (Supermarket Flowers is obviously the first) and it turns out even though he used puppets, muppets and balloons, it’s still DEPRESSING AF. I think a single tear rolled down my cheek as (spoiler alert) his balloon lady floated away at the end. Damn, Ed. Guess he needed to bring everyone down a notch after Perfect swept the world as most romantic song ever and every young couple’s first dance song at their wedding.

4. Twitter Philosopher: Kanye West. That giant weirdo Kanye has decided to make his triumphant return to the Twitterverse to babble nonsense all hours of the day like he’s making proclamations, or according to him, writing a book in real time. Here’s a smattering of his best tweets to make you giggle to yourself or want to smash your head into your keyboard that this guy is famous and associated with those godforsaken Kardashians…and we’re all poors. He even dragged classy guy John Legend into the mix. No one is safe.

5a. The Sitch to get Hitched.

I’ve been really diving back into the world of Jersey Shore lately. Mostly because I’m back on that funemployment grind and MTV plays 12 hours of Jersey Shore a day. It’s a real eye opening experience to be watching this show as an adult because when it came out I was 18 and thought this crew was living the dream drinking on a boardwalk and working at a t-shirt shop and now I look back and see Snooki getting hammered with her sneaker slippers on in public and Ron/Sam beating each other up and I wonder where my priorities were as a teenager. Either way, obviously they’ve made a comeback as grownups with children still going to clubs in Miami and The Situation has marketed his engagement to the J.Shore fans. As I read the story and realized that this was his college girlfriend, they broke up when he was on the show and got back together afterward I TRULY wonder if she ever saw even one minute of this show because the Situation was disgusting. He was an asshole and he banged a new girl every single night and then probably kissed his muscles before he kicked them out of the smush room. TRUE LOVE PREVAILS I GUESS.

SHE SAID YES !!! 🙏🏻❤️ @lauren_pesce @usweekly

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5b. Sisterhood 3! Another preteen throwback for ya, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants is probably going to have a third movie because the whole gang of actresses are still BFF’s and Hollywood loves a sequel.

This is great news for me. As an avid reader of the series, I went into a depression for a whole week when Kostas knocked up another girl. DAMNIT KOSTAS YOU GREEK WHORE. I also tried to copy the traveling pants for a summer with my besties except it was a traveling jean skirt and MAN did it see some drama. Just kidding, I wore it on my family vacation and wrote FB in a heart near the pocket because I thought the ferry boy was cute. Should they make a movie about my wild summer in the traveling jean skirt? Most definitely, but I’m still looking forward to this third installment and will be there for it when it gets released.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 2/12/18

1. LEAVE JEN ALONE.

jennifer-aniston-justin-theroux-critics-choice-awards-2016

Jennifer Aniston is America’s Sweetheart. You know it, I know it, Brad Pitt knows it. As America’s Sweetheart, the media can’t stop crawling up her ass and being all up in her shit 24/7. When Brad left her for that skankwad homewrecker pretending to be a charitable activist and they adopted 5 million kids, everyone was like POOR JEN — SHE’LL BE SINGLE FOREVER. When she started dating Justin Theroux they were all like OMG she’s rebounding and trying to find love when her heart is still broken. When it was clear that they were in it for the long haul but hadn’t tied the knot yet, it was all about how she’ll never settle down again, which quickly turned into a 5 year bump watch. When she declared that she wasn’t pregnant it was like poor Jen she’ll never have a family. And now LOOK WHERE WE ARE, AMERICA. You did this. You broke up Jen and Justin. Not me. You. And now homegirl has to listen to everyone dissect her 7 year relationship, say how it never worked because she never got over Brad, then speculate a Brad/Jen reunion for the next 5 years. Brad is human garbage. Jen is a G-D goddess. I hope you think long and hard about what you did here, America. Also, Jen, give me a call gurl, I’m also going through a breakup and wouldn’t hate it if you swept me away to Mexico for a little recovery girls trip ❤ We’ll get through this together.

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2. Shotgun Wedding.

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I was once a shipper of Amy Schumer. Mostly because I’m a disgusting female who doesn’t like to pretend that I’m ladylike in any way, shape, or form. Then Amy started going a little too far. She was embracing the “I’m a slut who probably has a drinking problem” a little TOO much and I was like hmmm, not my cup of tea. My tipping point was probably around the time when I saw her standup show live and she was visibly hammered. Could’ve just run into you at a bar like that tbh, didn’t need to drop $40 on a ticket. All opinions aside, Amy casually got married to a guy she’s been dating for like 3 months. It was a secret wedding but OF COURSE cool grl Jennifer Lawrence was there because they’re like besties or whatever. Gonna be honest, already looks like JLaw stole the spotlight. Anyway, hope it works out for ya!

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3. Scary Em is Back.

Here’s the latest music video for Eminem’s unlikely collab with everyone’s favorite angel-voiced Brit. I loved the song when I first heard it because well, Ed. Didn’t really expect it to take this dark turn with the video but oh boy, it did. In a borderline documentary (honestly not sure if it’s real or fake) Eminem basically destroys a marriage and forces the married chick he’s been boning to get an abortion. YIKES Em. NOT GREAT.  Since I’m a big music video guy, I lapped up every minute of this extended drama but if we’re comparing volatile relationship music videos from Eminem, Love the Way You Lie still takes the cake for me.

4. Ginger Jules.

I’m not sure how one “identifies as a red head” but it is 2018 after all and apparently that’s a thing too. Being born knowing you’re supposed to have a different hair color as if that affects your personality/outlook on life. Or like, choosing to be a ginger. HMMM. After JoJo’s season on the Bachelorette I decided that I needed a hair change, as every girl does from time to time, but I didn’t want to fully commit. So I collected pics of sunkissed ombre / scattered blonde pieces just like this…

JOJO

…and true to every hair coloring experience ever, I unexpectedly walked out of the salon a full-on blonde. Thank God it was summer and I was tan or we would’ve had a real situation on our hands. Either way, I didn’t post on Instagram the minute my head was dyed that I was born to be a blonde. And I didn’t act any different because my hair was bleached. I probably would’ve worn a backwards trucker hat every day that summer anyway. CRUSHED IT. #onceyougoblondeyoudresslikealez

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But anyway, enough about me, thank God she matched her eyebrows though.

5. I just love Blake so much.

meryl

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 10/16/17

Took a significant break from JUicing because Hollywood’s not funny nor entertaining when every female is getting sexually assaulted. But in the spirit of another TSwift drop, I was forced out of retirement…again. (Also I started a new job and I had to test the waters on blogging at work. Turns out we Gucci.)

1. Nope.

Alright, I’m out. I mean it was bound to happen. If you’re going to release three songs from your probably only 13 track album (just release the whole damn thing already) I knew there was a chance I was going to hate one of them and here we are. Going from singing about sex in Ready For It.. to you’re too gorgeous for me and I’ll just get drunk and go home to my cats. Really Tay?! Grow up. This is 100% a song for her preteen superfans and I’m just far too mature for it, honestly. Everyone’s saying it’s about her new boyfriend Joe Alwyn who is not the type of gorgeous that you write a song about his face. (“Cause you’re so gorgeous it actually hurts”) Scott Eastwood? Sure. This guy:

joe-alwyn

Not so much.

PS GTFO of here with adding children into a song. This isn’t Kidz Bop.

2. Everyone should watch this.

I had a really adult night where I gave myself a face mask and watched a YouTube documentary about a Disney star and I have 0.0 regrets about it. In fact, I encourage all of you to do the same. This doc was riveting. Probably because I’m unhealthily invested in the lives of celebs but also because I think Demi is wildly talented and got a bad rep just because she liked the nose candy. I mean, her and Selena were like toe to toe coming up from Disney and Selena ended up with more clout just because she didn’t go to rehab…which sucks because Demi actually has a good voice. But anyway, watch this for juicy tidbits about how she was a G-D trainwreck while touring with the JoBros at like 18. I mean think about it, this was the time when the Jonas Brothers were PEAK purity rings. And they’re touring with a girl whose trashing hotel rooms and punching backup dancers on a private jet. Quality entertainment. (I could’ve used even more BTS stories from this time, tbh.) Also there’s some great insight into her relashe with Wilmer Valderrama and how he literally wouldn’t talk to her until she turned 18. (Yeah, Ok.) Either way, fire up YouTube and treat yoself.

3. Ed Sheeran probably watched Demi’s doc.

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Apparently Ed just recently revealed that he, too has battled substance abuse. I mean it’s not hard being in Hollywood and using all of the things. Ed admitted that he got outta control and decided to go off the grid for a year to get his shit together. I think we can all collectively thank his boo, Cherry Seaborn. Because even though she has a stupid AF name, she influenced Ed to stop raging and without her we would not have Divide. True story.

4. JT is the perfect husband.

Do I support their marriage? No. Is it because I’m jelly? Yes. So here’s a little happy anniversary from me to the Timberlakes, by posting JT’s serenade to his wifey. Bet she really appreciated it as she sat at home taking care of their kid while he was out with the boyz doing a late night recording sesh. Jk she was probably drinking wine with Reese Witherspoon or something while the nanny watched their kid. Most importantly, JT is back in the studio.

5. Girl Crush Updates.

I don’t really have a fifth headline to blab about this week so instead let’s check in on my #1 and #2 girl crushes because they’ve both been on my radar this week. Blake Lively is promoting something. What is it? No idea. All I know is that whenever she promotes something she wears 100 cool ass outfits for press and looks like a total babe soda.

💃🏼@oscardelarenta @lorraineschwartz @lorraineschwartz @ofirajewelz

A post shared by Blake Lively (@blakelively) on

🍂🍁🍃🍂@bottegaveneta @jonathansimkhai @louboutinworld @lorraineschwartz

A post shared by Blake Lively (@blakelively) on

The balls to my basket.

A post shared by Blake Lively (@blakelively) on

Even though she wore a full men’s suit and a torn up bedazzled jersey, I still love her so much.

And mah gurl Sophia Bush signed a deal with 20th century to produce and star in new shows. Dunno anything else about it other than she best be gracing my TV in a new number one hit right quick. Click here for full story.

sophia-bush_0

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/24/17

1. Happy Birthday to me, from Harry Week.

Harry + James 43v3r, beginning May 15th, the day that I was born into this world. WHAT CRAZY ANTICS WILL THEY GET INTO?! You bet your bottom dollar I’m about to find out. I’m so excited that I’m not even thinking about how my sister, brother in law and boyf collectively RUINED his SNL appearance for me by continuously asking why I thought he was attractive. I’m choosing to ignore that STUPID question and get ready for new music and new lawlzzzz from this dynamic duo. PS: I lied. I’m not going to ignore that stupid question. Just look no further than the first three gifs I found on google. Any mood-Harry is sexy. Argument over.

2. Bye, Farmer Chris.

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I can’t with the Bach contestants and how they treat their lives like a boozy adult summer camp. Go on dancing with the stars, “write” a book, promote MVMT watches on InstaG, go to paradise for 3 weeks to bang other bach family members #incest. Rinse, repeat. Well it looks like Farmer Chris done F’ed that up for himself. In the sketchiest recount of an accident I’ve ever heard apparently two trucks fell in a ditch and the driver of the other vehicle died. Then Chris ran away and hid at someone’s house until the cops provided a warrant to drag his ass to jail, where he took this v sober mugshot. YIKES. What would Chris Harrison say?

3. Bye, Dirty Dancing.

I previously shit all over this casting job when it was announced but now that they’ve actually released footage it deserves to be re-dumped on. Why ruin a classic? This seriously looks terrible and the fact that it’s a made for TV movie says everything. Yes that’s right, calling it a “great television event” doesn’t change the fact that it’s a higher budget Lifetime movie. Don’t you dare disgrace Patrick Swayze and his magic hips like that. They’re sambaing in his grave as he ROLLS OVER.

4. Hi, Blake & Ryan.

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Blake & Ryan hit the red carpet making me uncontrollably drool all over and I needed to talk about it obviously. This dress is pretty ugly but it’s Blake and I still gasped when I saw her. That’s all. Carry on.

5. Don’t trust Ja Rule to organize a festival.

Ja created Fyre Festival on an island in the Bahamas where tickets were like 1200 bucks and he promoted it with a bunch of models on yachts but like guess what? It was a heaping pile of hot garbage. Or in the words of every update from it today: MASS CHAOS! It’s a good thing the target audience for this shitshow wasn’t millennials addicted to social media… oh wait…

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Definitely looks like a once in a lifetime experience! Hey Ja Rule, how about you stop pretending you’re the next music festival mogul and get back to popping out bangerz with Ashanti. The jig is up. You’re embarrassing yourself. Also, not to be glossed over–anyone who bought tickets to this event based on a rap music video promo with models shaking their T&A:

khaled

BRING US INTO THE WEEKEND JA!

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Red Carpet

People’s Choice Awards 2017 Red Carpet

Even though the People’s Choice Awards are basically just a big slobberfest for CBS and not worthy of a watch…I still wanted to judge the looks. Shouts to JT for showing up and allowing me to unmute my TV for a mere 2 minutes this entire awards show. And Blake Lively for declaring via acceptance speech that Ryan Reynolds is hers and no one else can have him. Preach, girl.

WORST

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

Did impeccable Danny Tanner pick out a suit coat and pants that don’t match?

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

Not only is this cropped pinstripe look real weird, but so is his jazzy feet pose.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

I know for a fact that Lori Loughlin has a bangin bod and it’s a disservice to cover it with a literal curtain.

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

Meh, CCB can do better.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

WHAT is this. Is it pants? Is it a dress? Why are her boobs a different color and fabric? SO many questions, so little time.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

Even though they lost their star member, Fifth Harmony is still sticking with the “we all wear scraps of fabric the same color and look like trash” for every red carpet. Don’t eva change.

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

I guess it’s fitting because her breakout role was in an orange jumpsuit but c’mon.

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

This dress sucks. Since I feel bad being so rough on Jenny from the Block, I’ll toss in there that when she won her award and cried and acted like it was an Oscar instead of something people voted for on Facebook, her pony looked sleek as hell.

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

A dress equivalent to the beaded seat cover of the 70’s.

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WHY TOBY?! WHY.

BEST

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

Host looking sharp AF.

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

I think I’m obsessed with this look. Like, might be my favorite of the night if Blake Lively didn’t show up and steal my heart.

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

The choker seals the deal here and that’s obvious.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Red Carpet

No clue who this is but I’m all in on this outfit. Also proves that I’m not a pants h8er when done right.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

Daayyummnn with the leather dress.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

Fun & SaSsY.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

The red buttons with the red flash on the belt, I see you, Wilmer.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

This is pretty scandalous with that sky high slit but CBS needed a little near cooch slip.

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

Fresh off his Greek vacay, Uncle J can do no wrong.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

Tommy Fre$h!

.43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

I love this more just because of the swish factor.

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Yes, please.

QUEEN OF THE NIGHT:

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

SLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 12/12/16

1. Baby Blake.

Ryan Reynolds honored with star on The Hollywood Walk of Fame, Los Angeles, USA - 15 Dec 2016

Ryan Reynolds got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY they finally debuted their two kids and I’m not even a little bit ashamed to say that I looked at every single picture that was posted of them because they are adorbsies. James is quite literally a tiny Blake Lively with a casual afro and now that they’re out in the open I better be seeing pics of these little nuggs on the reg. Congrats you beautiful MF’ers, for living up to my high expectations for creating cute kids.

Ryan Reynolds honored with star on The Hollywood Walk of Fame, Los Angeles, USA - 15 Dec 2016Ryan Reynolds honored with star on The Hollywood Walk of Fame, Los Angeles, USA - 15 Dec 2016Ryan Reynolds honored with star on The Hollywood Walk of Fame, Los Angeles, USA - 15 Dec 2016Blake Lively, James Reynolds

2. ENews Gets Me.

No but seriously, that caption summed up every feeling I had upon seeing this photo. Shouts to my sister for sending this to me for a quick drool sesh.

3. Pregnancy Boobs.

My first two thoughts when I saw this photo 1. Willow’s hands are tanner than me and I’m jelly. 2. How can I work this braid into my every day hairstyle. But like also congrats on the pregnancy rack, Pink. I wonder if baby will be born with a feather in it’s hair and a henna tattoo up it’s arm. Even the crystals were a little over the top. It gave me PTSD flashbacks to Spence circa season 4 of The Hills.

4. RIP Alan.

alanthicke

This should have been number 1 because it was a shocking celeb death but honestly I hate talking about dead people on The Salty Ju. It gives me the sads. I knew Alan personally, from how many Hallmark movies I have consumed through the years and he seemed like a real stand up gent. Plus, he had to put up with Robin his whole life and I imagine that’s no easy feat. Especially post-foam finger-gate. I never watched Growing Pains because I’m too young (humble, not so subtle brag) but I can ‘preciate a banger of a sitcom theme song. I can only hope this is played at his funeral because it is one of the greatest songs ever written.

 

5. Get yoself a man….

…who buys you a bigger ring, just cause. In case you haven’t noticed Chris Pratt has become a massive superstar over the past few years and rather than turning into a doucheroni, he instead bought wifey Anna Faris an upgrade for her engagement ring. And OBVIOUSLY I approve. Plus like, they’re just the cutest. In exchange, she got him a tractor.

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BONUS: Merry Christmas from Carpool Karaoke

#Blessed that this was turned into a carpool karaoke medley because we can ALL agree that 2016 Mariah definitely does not sound like 1994 Mariah and maybe she needed a little help on this one. It’s not a car concert unless you really go for the high notes so I’m proud of everyone for laying it all on the line.

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