Red Carpet

Emmys 2022

I gotta be honest I didn’t know the Emmys were last night until I did my typical dinner-time IG scroll and saw red carpet looks. I’m embarrassed to admit that but I like to always keep it real here and the truth is I think I’m getting too old for this shit?! These days Taylor Swift drops a brand new album announcement at midnight after an awards show that I finally realized I’ve aged out of (VMA’s) and I don’t know about it because I’ve been snug as a bug in a rug fast asleep since 10pm. I am ashamed that I’ve fallen off and I will spend this awards season clinging on for dear life. IT’S NOT MY TIME TO GO QUIETLY INTO THE NIGHT YET.

WORST.

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I love mint as much as the next basic bitch but this pastel cupcake gown is TOO MUCH. It’s like when everyone in the 80’s thought it was chic to wear a hat and white gloves on their wedding day. The time has passed, bb.

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This hair is unforgivable. Jean Smart looks great and has kept it TOIGHT, but my god is that an old lady updo. I can literally smell the aqua net just looking at this photo.

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Oh honey, you get that on SHEIN? Use that free shipping code?

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I’m gonna be real contradictory when you get to the best dressed and see some white lewks on there but this screamed geekburger to me. I know he’s trying to be chic with his bleached hair and clear framed glasses but it’s all just making me wanna scream NERD. And black loafers to finish it off. Woof.

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AH MY EYES! MY EYES!!!! This color is loud and puketastic to begin with and then a translucent human being was like lemme give it a try though, bet I can make it work. 

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What fresh hell is combining black tights & heels with a cream gown? And the JoAnn Fabrics flowers hot glued to it really are the pièce de résistance.

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Alright Julia is trolling a fellow Julia here, right? Like this is a perfectly crafted prank for my red carpet blog. Setting up a BELLY BUTTON DIAMOND HOLE IN THE MIDDLE OF A DRESS. I repeat, A DIAMOND CUTOUT WITH THE BELLY BUTTON DEAD CENTER AS THE MAIN EVENT. ARE YA KIDDING ME, HOMEGURL? I literally cannot even begin to break down the rest of this outfit because BeLLy BuTtOn.

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Oh get the hell out of here ole placemat over your shoulders lookin’ ass.

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Those hard flares really threw me for a loop, I’m not gonna lie. And the tiny jacket.

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I hated this when I first saw it and then it caught the light when she was onstage and the top loofah ruffle has a plastic shine to it and that reignited my hate.

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This is a preschool ballet recital costume and you will never be able to convince me otherwise. Grow up, Kaley.

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There is a time and a place for this outfit and that time is never and that place is nowhere.

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It’s the v-neck of feathers for me, dawg.

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I’ll give a million bucks to the person who can locate this good sir’s legs and/or ankles somewhere in this sea of pantaloon fabric.

Look, if your outfit compels me to google “pink outfit lady from Harry Potter” ya know it’s gonna be on the worst dressed list.

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Peplum and tiered skirts need to DIE AWAY FROM ME because they are HIDEOUS.

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No thanks to the pinned and curled hair and her cape/gown situation looks like a vagina. Sorry, not sorry.

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Connie did us all REAL dirty by pulling those luscious locks out of sight. Gurlfrand, your hair is PERFECTION and you’re gonna hide it from us?! RUDE. Also, the dress and cape look cheap AF and we know Connie is TV royalty and will spare no expense for a red carpet look so this is really an off year for her.

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Please scroll up and see my fury for peplum and tiered ruffles because THIS DRESS WENT AND DID BOTH. Puke city, population: me.

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Black and white gowns will not hesitate to liken you to a killer whale even if you’re the skinniest person alive and I don’t know how no one has learned this yet. Also she’s about 4 inches from a belly button cutout and ENOUGH IS ENOUGH WITH THE MIDSECTION PEEPHOLES.

 

Not Worst But Also Not Best

I was conflicted on enough looks to create this fun middle category this time around. (AKA something pissed me off about each look to disqualify from best dressed, but they weren’t diamond belly cutout status.)

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This is super boring but she looks good. And LOLZ to the Kristin Cavallari 2004 black choker.

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I would L-O-V-E this dress if it didn’t have a lumpy butt cape attached to it.

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She looks good but we can definitely just snip snip that netting at the top because it is supes unnecessary. Also kinda would’ve respected her more if she showed up in a white button down with sloppy hair & red lip and spoke in the Elizabeth Holmes low octave monotone in her acceptance speech. 

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Very into the color of this dress and the way her boobs stand at attention perfectly as if she’s got a wax figurine rack. Very not into the slicked back bun and whatever jingle jangles were glued all over this dress.

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This is kind of a bitchy post (what’s new) but if everyone is going to SLOBBER all over Zendaya and her fashion sense, wearing a plain black gown with a high pony is a real low-risk snoozeroni. Naturally she looks beautiful and you can’t go wrong with a classic black ball gown but also not impressed and I better not see ONE SINGLE think piece on Zendaya’s high brow fashion choices here.

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She’s not posing at a great angle here but I’ve always had a “that’s enough” attitude toward unnaturally high slits. A rhinestone pony though? Hell yea, chick! My humble opinion on her look went right into the trash when she won and got up onstage and BELTED. Queen owned the stage and she can wear whatever the hell she wants.

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I’m obsessed with a Barbie pink as much as the next Elle Woods but haven’t been a fan of the variations of matronly blazer dress that we’ve seen in this shade so far this year.

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A Jessica Rabbit moment that would’ve KILLED with soft waves and WHY IS EVERYONE PULLING THEIR HAIR BACK HONESTLY MIDAS WHALE JUST WEAR A BASEBALL CAP IF WE’RE GOING TO KEEP SLICKIN IT UP.

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SEE ABOVE HAIR RANT.

 

BEST

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God I hope this material is like shapewear and slurps it all in because I can’t even imagine having a midsection that cinched. Lily probably doesn’t eat cheese.

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S’cute for Chris to bring his daughter and for that daughter to not ruin this special moment by dressing like a hooch. Supes heartwarming in this day and age.

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Purple is having a moment right now ever since Miss Flo blew up Venice with a sassy poutfit so let’s all get down with this sparkle suit.

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Obviously we need to address the areola(s) in the room first. I can really only see one, but I imagine both are peeking out. I encourage nipple coverage when there is flash photography involved but I’d be a real a*hole to throw this one away over a little highbeam situation. Dress, hair and red lip are stunning but maybe slap on some pasties next time.

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Amy wears a basic primary color dress pretty much every year (much like Reese) and still looks like a babe soda so I accept.

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Ooh YES I live for a coordinated handbag moment.

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Chessie is an American Treasure and she could’ve worn a curtain from the parlor of the East Wing with a bejeweled belt and a seashell clutch and I’d still bow down. Cause that’s what she did. But damnit if she’s PULLING IT OFF.

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Love the colors of this dress and the longsleeve curveball. Plus ever since I unfollowed Chrissy on all social media, I’ve become much less hostile toward her. 

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Don’t know what the hell this side tie is but it’s working for him.

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I mean, come on. It’s actually unfair how hot she looks. DAYUMMNNNNNNN.

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This is a restitution pick. For the almost 8 years (yoikes) that I’ve had this blog, I’ve ripped apart Maggie Gyllenhaal on the red carpet each and every time. And it’s time for me to throw her a frickin bone. She looks good here. Her brother is still a butthole and I’ll remember it all too well forever, but Maggie, good job.

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Reese kills it every time but I’m loving this little spice in the dress pattern. Get down with your bad self, Reese, branching out from the plain gown.

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I am mesmerized by this dress. It’s not the most flattering shape but I can’t stop staring at it. Really wish I could get my digits on it for a pet cause I gotta know what the texture is like. What it looks like is a hard shell that she’s clunking around and we really should be allowed to just show up to the red carpet and get a grab in for research purposes.

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Can’t explain it. Don’t know why. But this look is doing it for me. He’s essentially wearing the black version of the outfit that I roasted on Seth Rogen but WHAT A DIFFERENCE color and a cool sexy stare with tousled hair makes. Oh yeah you put that hand in your pocket, Adam.

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Equally as into the nude and black combo. Basically the next portion of this list is just me horning it up over men’s fash.

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Andrew’s giving off real Malibu Barbie hits Hollywood vibes in this casj cream suit.

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Host of the show got the purple memo.

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Sexy lil snakeskin coat.

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Again, TOTAL CONTRADICTION cause Seth in this trend is yucky, but Cousin Greg looks suave as hell and I don’t even care that he tossed on black shoes with a whoutfit. 

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SERVING that pattern.

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Bob was literally at death’s door like 4 months ago and he’s really lookin chic here.

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GORGE.

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This man wears a classic black tux like nobody’s biz.

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Wooooo buddy, the cast of Ted Lasso sure knows how to dress.

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V. flattering style and just enough pizazz not to make it boring. The queen of TV really nailed it.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

I guess I’ve matured out of the days when my sister and I would see a brown outfit and call it a poop suit because Quinta was the clear winner of the night for me. Not only am I a fan of Abbott Elementary and was excited when she won, but my girl ate that. (For those of you OLDS, that’s what the kids these days say when someone looks good, according to my sources.) Makeup and hair on point, coordinated shoes and jewels, plus a leg moment and I’m very captivated by that candy wrapper shiny texture on the bodice. Top to bottom beaut.

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Salty Stories

A Blubbering Whale of a Tale

Whale hello there! I’ve been chugging away at my New Jersey Bucket List, just trying to earn my stripes as a Jersey Girl and my next big check, my white whale so to speak, was peeping some big booty big ole humpbacks. My affinity for sea mammals begins and ends with my obsession with the cult classic, Free Willy. Ever since 1993, I’ve made it my life goal to become besties with a killer whale, set him free from greedy waterpark captivity, only to call him with my harmonica anytime I want to grab onto his fin for a quick ride or just talk through my hardships while I pet his smooth rubbery back. As it turns out, my life is not scored by Michael Jackson, and orcas don’t make great pets. So, I had to settle for taking a spin on The Royal Miss Belmar to feast my eyes on what guido and guidette whales are cruising around the Jersey Shore.

I had been casually slipping whale watching into conversation for a solid year, hoping someone would think that sounded like a krill-iant time. I had no takers and I finally decided to seas the opportunity and stop feeling so tide down. My sister (who went whale watching in Cape Cod) confirmed that it wouldn’t be weird to go by myself because everyone is looking at the water anyway and not the loser with a fanny pack full of snacks. So I decided to take the day off Monday and have myself a breachin’ time. Alright, I’m done with the whale puns…OR AM I? I found the top-rated whale watching tour in my area and when I went to purchase my ticket I saw the options were: general admission for $55, reserved seating for $85 and a “best view of the house” upper deck seating for $125. I wanted to guarantee as best as possible–within budget–that I’d have a banging view for ample pics and vids. After texting with the company (their only form of contact, big yikes) they advised me that there’s still an opportunity to get good seats with general admission but you’d have to arrive early, whereas the reserved seats are all at the front of the boat. I decided to splurge and laid down that extra cold hard cash to get myself those tip top seats. $95 later, I was ready to see some mother-F’in whales on a mother-F’ing boat.

I got to the marina, circled twice looking for a parking spot and finally found one under the bridge at the train tracks…the furthest away. I was *very* excited for this fancy whale watching experience that I paid top dollar for and kicking things off by emerging like a troll from under the bridge, huffing and puffing on a 10 minute walk to the boat ain’t it. A precursor for what was to come. I was met with the crew upon boarding and when I gave them my name, the Captain started to tell me to follow the rest of the general riffraff but then stopped and went, “OH, you’re VIP.” Yes, sir, I most certainly am. I sit VIP or I don’t sit at all. I’ve never felt more elite than that very moment. I sauntered up to the front of the boat behind my whale watch escort and he pointed to the roped off section and told me to take my pick.

I sat down with a healthy distance from the next group, thinking I was being polite, then promptly said F that and scooted as close to the bow of the boat as I could get, remembering that my sister told me that’s the hot zone for prime peeps. Then I sat in the direct sun for 30 minutes and roasted, sliding all over my VIP seat before the trip even blasted off. I’ve never felt like a bigger dirtbag imposter than when the deckhand came around to collect the reserved flags off the seats that I had accidentally been sitting on top of and I pulled it out of my swamp ass and handed it to him sopping wet. At least I managed to face my fears and ask the couple next to me to take this adorbs pic of me on the bow pre-swass, so the image I curated was very shi-shi even if my slippery limbs couldn’t cooperate.

We set sail and the ocean breeze was life changing for my overactive sweat glands. A woman sat down on the bow of the boat and declared that she didn’t show up early enough to get a good seat so she’ll just make her own. Ope, ok. This was my first indication that my expensive reserved seat meant absolutely nothing. That point was hammered home even further when the boat suddenly turned into a zoo of activity. I don’t know what it is about moving vessels or confined spaces that make people feel like they need to get up and jazzercise but it is downright infuriating. As we were on a modestly sized boat, the seating was similar to a row at a concert or the aisle of an airplane. Every time someone wanted to get through I had to shove my knees up into my eyebrows so they could scoot on by. No exaggeration, I spent an hour crunched in the knees to chest position as every passenger on this boat bee-bopped back and forth because they couldn’t possibly just SIT FUCKING STILL IN THE STUPID SEAT THAT THEY PURCHASED. At one point a guy stopped and stood directly in front of me and leaned over the boat, not only obstructing my view of the water, but putting his butthole in my face. That’s when I finally had enough and stood up to stretch out my legs which had been slung over my shoulders like a continental soldier to accommodate the “I just want to feel how the air is on this side of the boat” general admission crowd and stake my spot for prime blowhole views, not to be confused with prime butthole views.

Was there a ticket option for “I’ll sit where I’m not supposed to and you can’t stop me?”

We were an hour in and still hadn’t seen no stinkin whales and our naturalist (a PhD student from Rutgers) had been eerily quiet on the mic. Knowing that they don’t guarantee a whale sighting, but they offer a free trip if none are seen, I didn’t have a GREAT feeling about it. Finally with the NYC skyline in sight, the naturalist got over the loudspeaker and told us to keep our eyes peeled because 80% of the whales they see are in this area. Why humpback whales would kick it near a large city is beyond me, but I’m no expert. More time passed with no whales and she popped on again to say that we’re approaching a busy shipping channel and the whales like to hang here because it’s deep. Again, an area with tons of big-ass boats cruising through doesn’t seem ideal for a 30 ft whale to sunbathe. At this point the jig was up. I knew these fools had no idea what they were talking about or where they could find us some whales. I had been duped. I mean I could’ve cupped my hands to my face and spoke “whale” into the breeze like Dory and attracted more whales than this crack team could find with all their fancy boat equipment and the eyes of 100 amateur passengers searching the waters. They slowed the boat down and started circling a certain area and that’s when the naturalist nervously announced, “Obviously we don’t know where the whales are on any given day,” to which I laughed and replied out loud “NO SHIT.” But they decided to lurk near the shipping channel hoping to catch one, Chris Hansen style. Since they changed direction to go against the wind and try a different angle, they told the left side (my side of course) to be careful of waves. Not two minutes after I snarked the naturalist, I caught a little sea spray to the face. It was enough spritz for me to decide it was time to sit my ass down.

I wiped off my glasses after taking this silly little splish-splash selfie and no sooner did I put my phone back down that I got full on waterboarded by another wave. I was securely in my seat and looked like I got dunked under water. And then another one hit. I paid $95 for a VIP super-soaker seat.

After getting womped about 3 times, and one particularly spicy wave getting past the barrier of my sunglasses and hitting my eye, making it burn so badly I basically went blind, I decided it was time to find a new location. The boat had now been put in neutral and was rocking back and forth quite a bit, so with my one good eye, this disabled drowned rat hobbled over to the bow of the boat and latched onto what I believe was an electrical post. I turned to the couple who snapped my pic and told them “this is not a fun time.” They uncomfortably laughed, probably wondering why a sea urchin in need of an eye patch was speaking to them. It was at this point, drenched and blind that my sea sickness decided to turn up full blast. The bow where I was clinging for dear life was slapping up and down and we still had yet to see anything other than some crusty old balloons floating on the surface of the water. Don’t need binocs for those! As I tried to dry off and also not throw up or fall over, the naturalist continued to urge us to do her job for her and find us a whale. KEEP LOOKING! THEY’RE OUT THERE! It’s as if she wanted to rub it in that I only had one working eyeball.

We start to creep back to shore, already late for our 4pm return time, when finally the lady who made her own seat on the way there pointed out a whale off in the distance. Credit where credit is due, at least she was pulling her weight cause I was 100% over scouring the sea for a spout. We got all up on that whale and stalked it like their “complimentary next trip if you don’t see whales” policy depended on it. This company was not about to lose another cent. I learned that several people on this boat were on their second trip after not seeing any whales on their first so clearly this is much more common than they lead on. Shocker. We rotated around this whale who was lunge feeding and took turns with each side of the boat having a view. In my fake world brain, I was imagining I’d have a front row seat to whales flopping around the boat and I’d leave with amazing pictures. The reality was incredibly underwhelming. I had finally regained vision in both eyes but 20/20 really wasn’t necessary here. Everyone was crowded around each other, pushing to see, while also playing bumper passengers trying to keep balance. My phone almost fell overboard every time I snapped a picture and every picture that I took was of the water with a teeny tiny glimmer of a whale blending in with the waves. You could never tell when it was going to pop up and when it did (usually not where your eyes were) it dipped back down 3 seconds later. I’ve never been more unimpressed with something in my whole life, but that didn’t stop me from taking 100 pictures and videos of nothing, hoping for the miracle money shot that never came.

As the whale got closer to the boat (still not close at all), the naturalist chose that moment in time to share that this year in Plymouth a humpback flopped onto a fishing boat out of no where. She emphasized that whale was a juvenile just like this one and you just never know what could happen as the whales are only focused on getting fed. READ THE ROOM, LADY. While I’m on a boat choking back pukes trying to stay upright, the absolute LAST thing I want to hear is that the whale we’re trying to get closer to could just come aboard and launch us into the bowels of the ocean. Did I laugh at the YouTube video of this incident in Plymouth? SURE DID! But I was cackling because I was safely on land and the possibility of this ever happening to me was almost nonexistent. There is a TIME AND A PLACE for sea monsters can kill us without even trying stories. Gawd.

After we spent far too long watching this whale do virtually nothing but eat fish underwater, we found a second whale to creep all up on. This was one they’d seen before. Whale #91 to be exact. Y’all can’t even name your whales?! Come on. We watched him also do virtually nothing but eat fish underwater for another half hour (now an hour off schedule) and I counted down the minutes until I could get back to my seat for the hour ride back and hopefully eat my Ritz bits snackpack to stop myself from hurling. As someone who went on the Himalayan at the boardwalk last month and QUICKLY learned that I’m way too old for rides without getting motion sickness, I’m not sure why I thought being a first mate for the day would be kewl and not stir up my insides. Ya girl may be called The Salty Ju, but she was not cut out for the boat life.

I sat down for our journey back, relieved that we were in the final stretch, and my seatmate turned to me and genuinely said, “That was worth getting wet for!” Uhh, no ma’am. Without a doubt it was not. Did she also get salt water in her eyes because there is no shot anyone could’ve been impressed with what we saw. And as if she manifested that same fate into the air just by speaking it, within 1 second of the boat going full speed, I got the dunk tank treatment again. One little girl was standing in front of my seat with her head over the side of the boat LOOKING to catch waves to the dome and this is why kids are beyond stupid. (PS there was not a safety speech or lifejacket in sight on this ride and all of the children on board were running RAMPANT without parental supervision. Almost made me wish one got tossed over the side on a rough wave to teach those parents a lesson. ALMOST.)

This is it. This is the best whale picture I got.

Obviously there was no chance I was going to sit underwater for an hour and everyone else had already gotten the memo to get the hell away from that side of the boat. Unfortunately, the combo deal of high speed boat and lack of balance pretty much guaranteed I wouldn’t be making any big moves. I was able to essentially run/crawl to the dry half of the bow, lean my body weight into the side and get a two-handed death grip on the edge. Picture “I’m the king of the world” positioning but instead of a majestic cruiseliner gliding slowly through the air, the wind was whipping in my face and I was bruising from the amount my body was slamming into the side trying to stay upright. F-U-N! I somehow managed to “stand” this way for about a half hour. There was no one in sight, as they had all figured out a better way to endure this ride. All of a sudden, the boat went from full speed back to an even more nauseating halt and the naturalist hopped back on the hot mic to tell us they’ve spotted another whale and they want to photograph it for their own records. Oh ok, sure, babes! I guess I’ll just live at sea now while you do research and find another whale to assign an inmate number to. A three hour tour, indeed.

Now that the boat had somewhat stabilized, it was time to try and find a seat since the one I overpaid for I was only able to sit in for about 10 minutes. (In case you somehow forgot I got ripped off hoard.) I went to the inside part of the boat where some of the staff took one look at my about-to-Ralph face and said everything ok? Certainly not, Skipper, thanks for asking! I told them I was feeling a little nauseous and was looking for somewhere to sit. They directed me to the back of the boat, said it was less rocky there and told me to look at the houses on land to feel better. I told them it probably didn’t help that I was sitting in the splash zone and the deckhand goes, I did notice that. SIR, IF YOU NOTICE A PAYING CUSTOMER GETTING BOMBED WITH SALTWATER AND VISIBLY NOT ENJOYING IT DON’T YOU THINK IT WOULD BE NICE TO HELP HER TO ANOTHER SEAT?! Guess not. I thanked these two jabronis for absolutely nothing as they were about as useful as a poopy flavored lollipop and wobbled to the back of the boat, where everyone else had already migrated long before me. I found a seat on the very end and dropped into it, met by an incredibly dirty look from the lady next to me, even though I left ample space in between. Oh, exsqueeze me, is this real estate taken?! God forbid I take your precious buffer away from you for the last 20 minutes of this shitstorm.

My ass hit that plastic seat and I’m about to focus on the shore and take a deep breathe when I’m distracted by the woman two seats down launching into the air and projectile vomiting off the side of the boat like a velociraptor. Not only did I get to see her red puke soar through the air, but I also got to smell it! Then I got to jam my thighs into my brain so she could get by me and probably go upchuck some more. And it was in that very moment, as I tried not to start a chain reaction of vomz, that I decided this blog must be written. The rest of it could be chalked up to a crappy experience, but this horrible day being capped off by moving locations and sitting down in the exact right moment to catch the backsplash of an off-boat gommick?! PURE GOLD. That’s sitcom-quality no good, very bad day right there. There is no other way the experience could’ve ended. After the crew selfishly got their pictures of the whale (that they didn’t even tell us where to look for), they sped us back, making sure to hawk their merch and shove their tip jars in my facehole. Everyone on the beaches waved as we passed by, probably smiling and saying “what a bunch of IDIOTS” under their breathe. But I didn’t care because LAND HO, I finally got off that damn boat from hell. I would’ve kissed the ground if I thought I’d be able to without crashing into it.

This wasn’t the first, nor will it be the last time my unrealistic high hopes for a mediocre activity gets the best of me. The good news is that I’ll always turn my disappointments into entertainment for the masses (family members that read this blog) and the even better news is it wasn’t me who red wedding retched all over the Royal Miss Belmar. I’m proud of myself for going alone especially because if anyone went with me I would’ve had to tell them to shut the hell up because I was so naush anyway, which probably would’ve been less than enjoyable for them. But at the end of the day, I went whale watching and all I have to show for it are 75 identical mediocre pictures of the ocean, some of which also include my own finger. If I ever get the mermaid urge to go under the sea again, I’ll just stick to a Free Willy 1 & 2 dubz feature, pretend my BFF is a killer whale and call it a day.

My hair was straight when I boarded this vessel.
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Salty Stories

One Year as The Jersey Ju

For anyone who read the angry novella of the worst moving experience of my life, not only did I somehow make it through that, but it was ONE YEAR AGO! I survived a whole ass year in New Jersey. And let me tell you, after almost dying every time I dared to get behind the wheel in my first few months, I did not think I would live to tell the tale. Luckily for all of us, not only did I survive, but dare I say THRIVED? I dare not. I’m totally kidding. I did not thrive in my inaugural year as The Jersey Ju. I waffled at best. And even though I believe I’ve become a more aggressive driver, and grown thicker skin (just a touch) like the combative people of my new home state…I have not forgotten my roots. And if there’s one thing I’ll do no matter where the hell I live, it’s create a bucket list in order to force myself (and unwilling victims around me) to explore and take a bajillion pictures. Since I haven’t blogged about my life in a hot minute, I decided to chit chat about all the things I’ve done in my first year as a Jersey Girl!

Can we call me a Jersey Girl now? That’s for you to decide and me to find out. I suspect no one truly becomes Jersey until they’ve completed a “locals only” journey of experiences much like Robin on How I Met Your Mother became a real New Yorker. What Maury Povich is to NYC, The Boss is to New Jersey and I trust that as soon as I catch that sweet goatee trolling around Asbury, I’ll be well on my way to being a true New Jerseyan. (Good news I have this hilarious Bruce shirt I got at a boardwalk tourist shop that definitely doesn’t scream BENNY and one can only hope I’ll be wearing it when I see him.) But for now, please accept the fact that I embraced my new home state in bucket list form as a giant first leap to becoming JERSEY STRONG.

Since I am nothing if not extra, I split my list into 4 categories. The first three categories I ripped EXCLUSIVELY from an NJ.com series that was published when I first moved here where Peter Genovese pointed out *the* thing to do in every county in New Jersey. I furiously scribbled down the ones that were up my alley (wine, food, biking) and then let friends and co-workers add in their own recommendations.

Obviously you have a set of eyes and can see that these two lists remain largely unchecked because both eating and boozing in public require an iota of a social life. I’m fine going out alone when I’m traveling because I’m moonlighting as a work jetsetter AKA #TheCorporateJu. Going out alone because I have no friends to join me?! MORTIFYING. There will never be a time where I’m out solo dolo and do not think every single person in that establishment has turned their chair to stare at me and wonder why I’m such a smelly loser. This is a hump I am yet to overcome and it would be cool if you could just support me in my insecurities here. If you recall, I did boldly show up to Taylor Swift Trivia alone. And it didn’t go well so that really set me back on my progress. Regardless, here’s a highlight reel of the Eats and Booze bucket list items.

Pete & Elda’s (Neptune City) Staring out hawt by ruffling some Jersey feathers…WHAT THEY SERVE HERE CANNOT BE CALLED PIZZA AND I WILL THROW HANDS WITH ALL OF THESE CENTRAL NJ NUTS WHO TOLD ME I JUST HAD TO TRY PETE AND ELDA’S IF I WANT TO KNOW WHAT REAL PIZZA TASTES LIKE. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. The sauce was weird, the crust tasted like a sweet croissant with flaky pastry consistency and I honestly could barely choke down my normal 2 slices that at a good pizza place I can delete in mere minutes. Sorry, not sorry.

Laurita Winery (New Egypt) is bumpin with events. I attended 90’s night in the dead of winter where I dressed like it was ’97, drove 45 mins with 2 brand new friends only for them to promptly tell me upon arrival that they actually don’t really like 90’s music and we should split. I drove more than I grooved in my overalls that evening so we’ll guh ‘head and take an L there. Still looking for any takers who want to attend line dancing night at Laurita so I can check line dancing off of my master bucket list (much alcohol will be involved.) Hit me up if you want to boot, scoot, & boogie.

Windmill Hot Dogs is the Hoffman’s/Heid’s of the Jersey Shore. If you know me, you know why I absolutely NEEDED to go there. A hoffies hot dog, cheese fries and a medium birch beer is my death row meal and I don’t think I’ve ever gone more than 3 weeks without tossing that five star cuisine down my gullet.* So it was time to see how the Jersey version fared and folks, it was NOT good.

*I just received my routine bloodwork results from my annual physical and my cholesterol was high. Can’t imagine why. My doctor noted that perhaps I’d had a greasy meal or alcohol in the days prior to the test. Uhh…yeah babe. All of the above. She also suggested I eat more leafy greens & legumes. I’ve never laughed harder at a doctor’s note in my entire life. A LEGUME?!

Not only was the hot dog about a solid foot longer than the bun, but this wrinkled ween looked like it was not a day under 100 years old. That dawg was on the rollers for a cool 8 hours just shriveling out of existence yet ironically, not getting any shorter THUS CREATING MY NIGHTMARE OF A HOT DOG. What am I supposed to do with that? Just take a raw dog bite until I hit bun a foot later? Get outta here with that trash. This wiener was so hard to stomach that I did something I’ve never once done during feeding time, I shared. Charlee Girl got to try her first two bites of hot dog (after I bit it off and peeled the skin because I was terrified she was going to die eating it) and you know what? She approved. So at least someone liked Windmill. Wasn’t a total loss but rest assured I will not be returning (sober.)

Alright, now we’re cooking with gas, a list exclusively of things I can do without companions! Although, the most disappointing discovery this year: both climbing activities have been ripped from my greasy little paws. Barnegat Lighthouse AND Lucy the Elephant are currently undergoing renovations and will not be open for climbing in the near future. My legs thank them, my excitement for taking a photo from the inside of a metal elephant trunk does NOT.

Manasquan Reservoir is not for casual bikers who take their beach cruiser out for a stroll as my vagina may never recover from the uneven gravel and overgrown tree roots for all 5 miles of this trail. Also I had Covid when I went so I really deserve bonus points.

Mantoloking Bridge County Park is actually just a boat slip (Thanks, NJ.com 🙄) and I really wish I hadn’t driven 40 mins with an over-eager pup looking for a walk to learn that. Even Charlee was like this place stinks.

Ocean Grove is the cutest G-D Victorian house beach town and I creeped the HARDEST on all of the adorbs porches and front yard gardens. (I’ve also been touring each beach town with Miss Charlee Pervs and so far Ocean Grove is #1 for quaint views & vibes.)

Thompson Park (Lincroft) became one of my go-to bike routes in the fall except for the fact that I still never figured out how to loop around it and got lost in it more times than I’d wish to admit. One time someone stopped me as I was putting my bike away and asked me which way to go on their bike and the jig was up. I was forced to confess that even though it was maybe my 5th time there I am directionally challenged and shouldn’t be allowed to bike without a GPS guiding me every step of the way. Gr8 golden fall views though.

Visiting Cape May Historic Lighthouse was the byproduct of REALLY wanting to see NYC at Christmas for the first time ever (an unchecked item to come in the next category) but Omnicron taking a giant dump on those plans. I settled for Christmas in Cape May instead and of course had to squeeze in a beach visit for lighthouse views on a freezing December day (after warming up with espresso martinis first obvs.) 10/10 would recommend taking the trip to Cape May regardless of the weather. Their downtown area was beautifully decorated for Christmas, they had lots of cute restaurants and bars to pop into and catching the sunset at the beach was the cherry on top. I took about 15 billion photos in the 6 hours I spent there and *not to brag but definitely to brag* my shot of the lighthouse from the sand has been posted on Cape May Point’s Insta & a random Cape May fan account no less than 3 times. So I am basically a Cape May legend. I mean this was their Christmas social post:

Not sure why they didn’t want to post this Buzz Lightyear selfie with the lighthouse instead, but whatevs. I accept.

Here’s a small sampling of photos I snapped that day:

Holland Ridge Farms (Cream Ridge) found itself a new seasonal sucker in me. A farm full of in-bloom flowers and photo props? SIGN ME UP. Fall gave us a Salty Ju birthday sunflower photoshoot (and a lesson learned that cutting your own sunflowers is basically an arm workout.) And Spring transported us right to the Netherlands with Tulips as far as the eye can see and a full day of Mother/Daughter flower bonding and modeling.

Mt. Mitchell Scenic Overlook (Highlands) has a nice view of New York City across the water (I confirmed this after texting a fellow Jerseyan because I would’ve hated to be the nerd who’s like check out those city VIEWZ and it was a peek at Red Bank or something.) There was also a 9/11 memorial and patriotic flower arrangement that I especially thought was cool as I was exploring it near the 20th anniversary of the attacks. I took about seven thousand pictures for such a small spot so clearly I enjoyed it.

And last but certainly not least, the bucket list that I created from my own brain, the experiences that I decided were vital to becoming a Jersey Girl AKA shit that I wanted to do now that I live 15 minutes from the ocean and one hour away from two major cities.

Eat a Philly Cheesesteak in Philly was my first check off the list at a social media summit last August, and it felt right to kick things off with a greasy food item. It felt even more right that after INHALING this cheesesteak, my boss witnessed a mouse scurry across the floor behind my chair. We were just starting to get to know each other and she got to learn real quick how afraid I am of creatures as I played can’t touch the ground and Usain Bolt’ed right down the stairs and out onto the street without a backward glance. Grateful the rodent waited until AFTER I finished my meal to show himself. Could’ve really ruined the experience at Jim’s South St.

See a show at The Stone Pony, a seedy rock club known for its affiliation with Springsteen. I knew I wanted to see a live show there but the usual suspects who perform there are *much* cooler than I will ever be. So all I had to do was wait for my middle school crush and favorite musician (former lead singer of Something Corporate/Jack’s Mannequin) to swing through. Happy to report I didn’t have to wait long because Andrew McMahon stops at the Stone Pony on every tour. I got to see him stomp all over his piano for the first time in four years and also learn that this historical music venue looks and smells like the basement of a frat house.

Place a bet in AC. Pretty spicy of my job to send me to both Philly and AC so that I could mix business with pleasure and accomplish two items on the BL. Knowing that AC is the epicenter for white trash gambling addicts, I was not all surprised to walk into Harrah’s on a Wednesday afternoon and instantly be smacked in the face by a cloud of cig smoke and a bunch of degenerates placing bets. Other than my tried and true $1 WPS bet at the Saratoga racetrack, I was a gambling virg and wanted nothing more than to have a very main character-esque on a heater at the blackjack table movie scene. I recruited my boss to document this which resulted in walking around looking for the easiest game to play but having no clue what we were doing and eventually asking a pit boss to direct us to a table for baby’s first gamble. He pointed us to craps and said they would explain it to us because there wasn’t a big crowd. They did not explain it but thankfully a fellow gamblin librarian held my hand and told me what to do. Within seconds of a stranger rolling the dice, I lost $10 and was frowned upon for bringing a paparazzi with me to the table. (Peep the pit boss holding up his hand, the universal sign for “cut the shit.”) If there’s one thing that I know about gambling, it’s to always walk away on top. I had a taste of the juice and I needed to finish my glass. So we found the ever-classic slot machine so I could feel the rush of pulling a lever and seeing dolla dolla bills, y’all. And lo and behold, I won $22 on my third spin. It’s a miracle I didn’t quit my job right there, saddle up to this machine for the rest of my visit and yank that lever on repeat with a fag hanging out of my mouth. Instead, I collected my cash (to be spent on a rubbery bagel and a water the next morning) and rode the high of being a winner for the rest of the week. See below for my US Weekly, Stars They’re Just Like Us photo spread.

Also important to note that I talked MAD shit about how boring this conference was going to be because there’s no way librarians get turnt, and then was proven very wrong when I took advantage of the awards ceremony open bar, got fuzzy on the deets, made a bunch of new work friends and stayed out until 1AM. Took me two days to recover. #IssaVibe AC, BAYBEEEE!

Go blueberry picking. Once I found out that the NJ state fruit is the blueberry, I knew that plucking my own was a must to become at one with my new roots. Turns out no one cared to share this experience with me, so I went ahead and did it by myself on the very last day of the season. And it showed. Pickins were real slim. But I got to dress like an actual blueberry, saunter around a farm on a Sunday morning and pick a healthy snack for the beach later. Win, win, win.

Try pork roll sammy. I learned immediately upon moving here that one of Jersey’s greatest and most fiery debates is over a piece of meat. South Jerseyans (and most of Central) call it Pork Roll, North Jerseyans call it Taylor Ham (a brand of pork roll.) It’s basically like calling those things that hold your boogz a tissue or a Kleenex. As a tried and true crispy bacon lover, it was going to take a lot for me to invite in a new breakfast meat…especially one that looks exactly like Canadian bacon. (Yea I got a lot of dirty looks for that, but I stand by it, COME AT ME BRO.) I asked several people how to order my pork roll and practiced it in the mirror so I didn’t look like a noob at the deli and there was literally no reason for me to get so worked up because the second I stammered out “pork roll egg and cheese on a bagel,” the guy behind me ordered a Taylor ham egg and cheese and the owner goes “A WHAT?!” The guy immediately apologized and said he just moved down this way and hasn’t adjusted to calling it pork roll yet. I giggled nervously thinking the owner was just messing with him. He WAS NOT. The owner legit almost kicked this poor soul out of his shop for ordering his breakfast sammy wrong. He shouted, “TAYLOR HAM IS A BRAND, YOU KNOW, SO IT’S JUST WRONG.” And before I could bear witness to a pork roll slapping, my sandwich was ready. I scurried out of there to enjoy my first PR with a side of fisticuffs over the name. I’ve grown to love a good pork roll egg and cheese, salt and pepper on a roll (bagel is too thicc) so I’m glad I gave it a chance.

Find Jersey’s best espresso martini. I got the best espresso teens on LOCK in Saratoga, so it was only natural that I begin the quest for the best in New Jersey. Since spressy marts (workshopping some sassy names here) are all the rage with the millennial crowd right now (may I remind you, I’ve been drinking them since I was in college, trendsetter 4 lyfe) NJ.com curated a list of the best spots. This was a good start for my list (see below) but I also like to go off the cuff and just order one anywhere I go for a full rating. This bucket list item is checked off because it’s a work in progress. I won’t stop until I reach the top, but trust that I’m working on it every chance I get. Very sorry to report that I got lost in the sauce and forgot to formally review at Wharfside, Birravino, The Shrimp Box or the second bar whose name I don’t remember in Cape May. Guess I’ll just have to go back and get anotha.

Eat crab legs. This one got added to the list after I admitted to my boss that I’d never tried a crab leg because I was intimidated by all of the tools needed to eat it and never want to be stressed while eating. Shouts to my girl Tiffany who was like oh we’re going to getchu some crab legs and I want to walk you through this v. buttery experience. So that’s how I found myself having a big ole plastic bag full of crab legs and shrimp for lunch on my birthday and then going back to the office with butter stains on my dress, smelling like a crustacean. Did it taste like buttery garlic deliciousness? YUP. Did I struggle the most to get even a morsel of meats? Also yes, which is why I don’t think I’ll be a regular crab-eater. If I can’t toss food down my gullet at warp speed, I don’t want it.

Mets Game @ Citi Field. Having been to a game at four major baseball stadiums, but not having checked both NY teams off the list, I knew seeing the Mets at Citi was a must and waiting until they were having a hot streak of a season really worked in my favor. Despite my dad peeling open a nanner on our drive to the train station and almost ruining the day completely with this stench-filled car snack, I’d say my first Mets game was a great success. Even though they lost, they held their own against a top MLB pitcher and I got to see what Mrs. Met is twerkin’ with when they brought in the trumpets for Diaz. Also GREAT game day dawg. WAY better than Windmill’s trash wiener. Next up to round out the Northeast: Citizens Bank Park in Philly.

Nascar at the Wall Speedway. Never even knew what the Wall Speedway was until I switched up my route to work and passed a sign that said Nascar was coming soon. As a born and bred people watcher, I knew this was a can’t miss and just needed to rope someone else into it. Luckily, I made a new friend from the South who was itching to watch cars spin around a track and we got ‘er done. Before I even entered the stadium I saw a gentleman wearing jean cargo shorts and I knew I was about to be in for a real visual treat. Follow that up with a kickoff prayer over the loudspeaker (because, and I quote: we put God before country) and 5 hours of cars driving in circles and spinning out, it was surely a sight to see…one time and one time only. Unfortunately I didn’t do my research and learned when I got there and looked to buy a beer that the speedway is BYOB, so I had to raw dog this night on pure exhaust fumes with no alcoholic lubricant. Fear not, I channeled my inner Ricky Bobby and got through it. SHAKE N BAKE, BABY! I saw a wife lap her husband in a race (who run the world? GIRLS) and this guy pictured below in a wheelchair yelled at my friend and I for standing too close to him. A true Jersey night.

Oh, did you think this marathon blog was done? YA RIGHT. Those were my formal lists so that I could get that orgasmic satisfaction of physically checking a box every time I accomplished something. But OBV I haven’t lived exclusively by a list for the past year. So here’s noteworthy things I did that didn’t come from a list! Honestly if you’re still reading at this point, God Bless.

See a show at Starland Ballroom. This venue has no historical significance and it’s on an old country road across from a VFW (I’m not sure if that’s true or if that was just one of the many jokes my sister and I made when she asked me where the F I was taking her because it looked like deliverance out there.) We caught Breland and Russell Dickerson on a cold wintery night and it was without a doubt the most fun, high energy concert I’ve ever been to. If you ever have the chance to see Russell throw it down onstage, GO. There’s a reason he calls his shows the RD Party. Also FWIW, this venue was way better than Stone Pony–ample parking, space to stand, and multiple bars for booze refueling.

Do a Jersey Shore Vacation fit for a 5 year old. The last time my family and I did a beach vacation was the summer before I went to college where I was fresh off of my wisdoms being pulled (still swollen) and we all wanted to murder each other on day 3 of sharing a rental. So it’s been a minute since I’ve seen the magic of a beach vacay, which I got to do when my niece came to visit. It was her first vacation and pretty much first time doing every single thing we did. We quickly learned that she’s a woo girl in training by all of her excited outbursts for each and every activity. It’s cool when you get to do childish things but no one gives you dirty looks because you’re with a child. From finding treasure in the Metedeconk River (not worth the $25 ticket price if you’re over the age of 5) to almost ralphing on the Himalayan and learning that I’ve finally aged out of theme park rides, this viz was easily the most jam-packed 3 days of activities since I moved here. If you want to see pure baby’s first vacay joy, check out the home video I made like it’s 1993 and I’m Uncle Joey carrying around a camcorder to document everything my nieces and nephews do. Honestly there’s never been a better description of me, so whatevs. Everyone will thank me someday, probably not after wasting 14 hours getting through this blog, but SOMEDAY.

PS save yourself from Jenks Aquarium…I’m not sure we can officially call this place an aquarium as it was giving basement apartment of a guy who lives with his mom and keeps a bunch of snakes vibe. I should’ve known from the second I walked in when they had a guard at the stingray tank and told everyone they could only go wrist deep and only touch the rays that come to the surface. BRO. What stingrays are coming to the surface at a crowded boardwalk aquarium? Ya gotta get your grabbers down there and rassle em up. Amateur hour.

Beach it up at least once a week…even in the dead of winter. Look, you can’t talk a big game about how you’d be infinitely happier if you could just live near the beach and then get here and not take full advantage of that. I specifically chose to live 45 mins away from work so I could be as close to the beach as my bank account would allow and even that hasn’t been satisfying. That 15 minute drive is a real boner kill when there’s people who can just walk outside their home and hit sand. I couldn’t manifest living at the beach harder if I tried. Anywho, I walked, biked, lounged, swam, peeped many sunrises and photographed the beach like nobody’s biz this year and if you don’t believe me, here’s proof of my love affair with all things sandy and salty. (For the elite few who received a Christmas card from me, I wasn’t kidding, I basically lived on the beach like a crab this year.)

P.S. When I went in January and the only other soul on the sand with me was a seagull that was keeping pace with me on a walk, I legitimately questioned my sanity. I also may or may not have cried because that was the terrible day that I got my mugshot NJ license photo and Roz from Monsters Inc wouldn’t let me smile or switch my registration over and my only companion was a damn sky rat on a deserted beach. Real talk though, this was easily the loneliest year of my life so big ups to that salty bitch the sea for being there for me on good days and a whole lot of bad days too. Yup, sure did just personify ocean water like a total looney toon but there’s a reason waves crashing is auto-programmed onto every sound machine…it’s soothing as hell. It’s also super loud and great for drowning out the sounds of an ugly cry, jus sayin. All in all the beach is my favorite place on this earth and is probably the main reason why I’ll be sticking around here for years to come.

Champagne spray on the beach. Seems fitting to address this activity after yapping about how I pretended to own beachfront property all year rather than shoving a beach cruiser into my car and driving into the land of the rich from sketchy Neppy. I paid off my student loans this year which means ya girl is 100% debt free and ooh baby is it sexy to be financially stable for the first time in my life. So I celebrated by tossing on a tutu, buying a bottle of champs & hitting the beach to give myself a little extra in a rap video booze-soaked dance. Best part about the beach in the winter? No one else is there. So I got to take a bunch of champagne spraying videos and sashay around like an idiot without any witnesses. It was a good time until my hands were sticky and frozen so I scampered back to my heated vehicle to regain blood circ.

See the Twin Towers Lights on the 20th Anniversary. As someone who grew up 6 hours away from NYC, I had a very distant perspective of 9/11. I was 10 years old and I couldn’t quite grasp the magnitude of what had happened and instead of observing and shutting my yapper, I decided to ask my parents to take me out to dinner that night to celebrate. Before you can compare me to a terrorist, I quickly backpedaled when I saw the look of horror on their faces and added “you know, to celebrate the people that survived.” I’m not gonna try and dig deeper on what was banging around that middle school brain of mine but it was obviously nothing profound. Regardless, I was able to go to a park in South Amboy that overlooks the NYC skyline and see the lights of the twin towers and talk to someone who had a much different perspective of that day, which really opened my eyes to how people were affected far beyond the site of the attack. It was a very cool night and although my pictures are absolute dogshit, and it wasn’t the clearest of views, it was nice to step outside of my idiot child brain and see the bigger picture. I’d still love to go to ground zero and walk through the museum, so maybe that’ll be on my list for this upcoming year.

Drink out of a stein at Oktoberfest. I always wanted to go to the real Oktoberfest but also didn’t have any friends that could be trusted to control themselves and not die of alcohol poisoning, so I’ll settle for a local version at a biergarten. Mostly, I’ve just always wanted to drink out of a honkin stein while wearing a trendy Euro hat and I feel like the extra I paid to get said stein of a beer that I didn’t even like was well worth it for the photo opp. PROST!

Get solicited for feet pics on Facebook marketplace. This one is really a reward (happy ending, so to speak) for the few, possibly none, that read this entire blog which pretty much turned into a scrapbook of my entire year. It doesn’t surprise me that it wasn’t until I moved to New Jersey that an innocent posting of brand new Sperry wedges catapulted me into the seedy underbelly of foot fetish internet.

And since I’m me and I live for content, rather than immediately blocking my podiatry perv, I played it through.

I’d like to say I’m a comedian who’s committed to a bit, but realistically, if I can snap a well-lit photo of my tootsies in a pair of trendy wedges and cash in on $50 without even leaving my couch, I’mma do just that. As it turns out, my man Tito decided after looking at my profile picture, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. What I thought was a tasteful sneak peek (the first one’s always free, it’s the next one that’ll cost ya) apparently was enough to get the job done without exchange of currency.

I’ve changed my profile picture to one with closed toed shoes and going forward, I’ll drive a harder bargain. YOU WANT A SHOT OF THESE POINTED PEDICURED TOES? WIRE ME $100 OR KEEP IT MOVIN, FREAK. DON’T PUSSYFOOT AROUND THE DEAL. So whatdya think? Am I a Jersey Girl yet?

If this ratchet flip phone shot circa 2011 of me in my authentic Seaside Heights Shore Store pinny (personalized with my last name on the back) tells you anything, then yeah I’m JERSEY, bitch.
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Salty Stories

Things I Googled In My 30th Year On This Earth

Proving that you do not get wiser with age, you just learn to trust the internet to be smarter so your brain can hold onto important things like every lyric to an N*SYNC deep cut.

We’re closing in on the first anniversary of my 30th birthday. Please send your condolences in the form of straight cash to my Venmo, homies. (@Julia-Giantomasi) Since last year I dug real deep and got vulnerable with all of my insecurities about aging and accomplishments (Thirty, Flirty & Full of Anxiety.) I thought I would keep the tradish alive and bare my soul again. Everyone knows revealing your search history is more embarrassing than admitting in a public-facing blog how many times you’ve pooped your pants so you can bet your bottom dollar I’ll be ousting last year’s edition. I started this piece during a comedy writing sprint (where you write every single day) in February and when I reviewed it for submission, I realized there was nothing satirical about it. I just straight up copy/pasted my Google searches and then roasted myself for them. So in the spirit of making fun of myself no matter how much closer I get to being an Old Maid, here’s actual things that I Googled this year to prove that we don’t need to grow up or even be smart to survive this thing called life, just as long as we have the World Wide Web at our fingertips.

Name of (insert ‘actor/singer/character/title’ as needed)

This has because almost a daily occurrence. As much as I religiously check IMDB to refresh my memory, it’s hard to admit but sometimes I don’t even remember enough to plug into IMDB and find the answers. But at any rate, about 99.9% of the time I can’t remember the name of something or someone in whatever I’m watching at that current moment and I want to fire off a funny tweet about it but I don’t want to have egg on my face for misspelling or mixing up actors.

Natural ailments for memory loss / How young can you be to start showing signs of dementia

Were you concerned when I just said 99.9% of the time I can’t remember something? Yeah, me too. Hence this very real Google search. Seriously did my brain just fall out of my head when I entered a new decade? Is this normal? Should I get an MRI? LMK, because my mom banned me from checking WebMD and I think this is a cause for concern. Also, if your only recommendation is fish oil pls see yourself out because the thought of taking a pill that either smells or tastes like fish makes me want to be braindead for the rest of my life.

What’s it called when you start to fall asleep and have hallucinations?

Turns out this one is “hypnagogic hallucinations” and the cure for it is to be less stressed. LOLZ. Guess I’ll be seeing bugs in my bed or on my walls as I drift off to dreamland forever and for all of eternity. I even started blind folding myself for bedtime (ya I know they’re called sleep masks but let’s call a spade a spade) and what’s fun about that is I now have a prop to rip off of my face when I wake up with a jolt, launch from my bed and yell, “WTF IS THAT?!” (referring to the made up creatures sharing a bed with me.) At least I provide a midnight show for my dog, so there’s that.

Can you mix Sudafed and alcoholic beverages?

It is not recommended, but research shows (2 sudafeds followed by 2 rum and cokes and a bud light) that you’ll probably survive, you just might feel like a real snoozy suzie at the bar. Probably still safer than the time I took my heels off in the middle of the bar on Halloween then proceeded to walk 5 blocks home barefoot.

Things that are cheugy

Thanks, Gen Z, you’re all a buncha judgmental a*holes. If you are also above the age of 25 and don’t care enough to fire up the ole Google to find out what this means, I’ll give it to you straight, it’s a stupid made up word that the youths created to describe every single trend, personality trait and interest of humans in their late twenties and onward. Parting your hair on the side? Cheugy. Using the crying laughing emoji? Cheugy. My ENTIRE persona? C H E U G Y.

Matching your coordinates to your environment? Cheug City.

What’s a BENNY

Welcome to New Jersey, where they created a nickname specifically to insult anyone who didn’t grow up at the beach. Bayonne, Elizabeth, Newark and New York. Let it be known that Bayonne, Elizabeth and Newark ARE IN THE STATE OF NEW JERSEY. These people bully their own! You live 40 mins North of the beach in the same state? L O S E R. Within one month of living in Jersey, I bought a table off of Facebook marketplace and the seller told me that she’s from North Jersey but has lived at the Jersey Shore for 20 years…TWENTY YEARS…and her husband’s family still calls her a Benny. RUTHLESS.

BENNY with ATTITUDE.

How to make new friends as a single adult

Honestly there were many variations of this search and all of them were equally as weird and sad. No answers were found, yet many cringey efforts were made. 10/10 DO NOT recommend joining BumbleBFF unless you want to feel like you’re courting someone just to have a gal pal to talk Housewives and drink wine with.

How old is someone if they were born in 1970?

The ‘how to make new friends’ search and this search go hand in hand because after joining “meetup”–an app where you can find groups of people also seeking new friends based on your interests, I sashayed into a “Young and Fun in Monmouth County” group. Judging by the title, you’d think it’s a classic group of whippersnappers who are looking to grab drinks and sing karaoke and do game nights, count me in! I RSVP’ed to the new members meet up at a dive bar AND 90’s dance night right off the bat feeling like this was an easy layup for friends. Until I saw the collection of members out in the wild and immediately wondered if there was an age cutoff to “YOUNG and fun.” I doubled back and read the fine print. Members have to be born in 1970 or after. Hence this search because no matter what the decade, math will never be a strong suit of mine. FIFTY TWO. THIS GROUP OF YOUNG AND FUN PEOPLE ALLOWS PEOPLE WHO COULD BE MY PARENTS. NO OFFENSE TO THE OLDS, BUT IF I WANTED TO MAKE SOME FRIENDS IN YOUR AGE GROUP I’D SIT ON A BOARDWALK BENCH IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY AND CHAT UP THE RETIREES THAT ARE SWARMING THE BEACH ON A WEEKDAY ITCHING FOR SOMEONE TO DISCUSS THE WEATHER WITH THEM. I WOULD NOT HIT A DANCE PARTY WITH A GENT WHO COULD BE MY DAD AND FEEL ALL SORTS OF UNCOMFY WATCHING HIM GYRATE TO GOOD VIBRATIONS. So as I previously said, meeting people your age in a new city NOT through work? Insert fart noise here.

Crushed the 90’s dance party wardrobe tho, too bad there was no one young enough to appreciate it without readers

How can you see if someone unfollowed you on Instagram / How can you tell if someone blocked your number

Breakups in 2022, man. So many avenues to contact or check in on each other and since I’m probably still Facebook friends with the kid who bullied me on the bus in 7th grade, I clearly don’t have a grasp on what it looks like to cut anyone from social media. Listen, at the end of the day, anyone who unfollows me on social is missing out on quality content–flowers, beaches, sunrises, and the occasional video shaming my dog for being an uncoordinated doofus. Their loss. Quick PSA though: if you are the dumper and you block the dumpee’s phone number for literally no reason, you are a real flesh dumpster. (Say dump again.) I don’t make the rules, I just enforce them. Who made the rules, you may wonder? Taylor Swift, Queen Bee of breakups, obviously.

Was this just an excuse to post the GOAT of breakup song music videos? YUP.

How do you spell Jake Gylenhall/Gyllenhall/Gylenhaal

And speaking of…honestly couldn’t Taylor have shaded a man with an easier last name to spell? November was FRAUGHT with spell checks on this man’s name. He’s one notch below Matthew McConaghey(sp?) as my most googled name for spellcheck.

@thesaltyju

To ALL of my friends begging me to hang out…I’m booked on Friday night. #redtaylorsversion #swifttok #alltoowell

♬ All Too Well Taylor Swift – TaylorswiftxFolklore

What do you report doctors to when they’re bad?

After seeing a dermatologist who confused me with another patient then proceeded to cut me open and stitch me up with 0 explanation, my shirt pulled up over my head and the door wide open, I was FIRED up to report this doc to the medical version of the Better Business Bureau. Unfortunately if you choose to spend half of your life in school and the other half of your life paying it off, you can pretty much do whatever the hell you want. What a letdown to find out that I couldn’t pull the ultimate Karen and tattle on this doc to the reigning doc association, so instead I used my PHENOMENAL writing skills to blast off a very detailed response to the office’s “how did we do?” survey. Guarantee no one read it, but it made me feel a teensy bit better even if I will forever have a raging scar in the middle of my back from the drive-thru hack job biopsy I received. Whoops, guess I’m still not over it. (Peep a snippet of my scorched earth feedback below)

Boom. Roasted.

Do dolphins rape people?

I actually googled this in 2014 (see tweet below for proof) after visiting a particularly sassy dolphin named Nick at the Clearwater Aquarium. However, I included it in this list because if I hadn’t searched this exact phrase then, I absolutely would’ve this year as I planned my dolphin swim excursion to check it off the ole bucket list. I swam with a female dolphin and she was quite a lovely lady, but I will say out of all the whistles that were blown that day, none of them were rape whistles. So I think we can officially put the rumor that dolphins are feisty rapists to bed once and for all. I cannot vouch for dolphins in the wild so protect your bishop, Glen if you ever find yourself in the open sea.

Everything was consensual here, but tbh I really would’ve appreciated a face smooch. Hand kisses are for prudes.

Iodine smell after Covid

Couldn’t tell you one single thing about iodine except that it’s the word I pulled directly out of my ass after an entire afternoon with a weird chemical smell stuck in my nose a whole 5 months after I had Covid and recovered from it. Google was also like, do you really mean iodine, boo? This one remains a mystery.

Praytell

No explanation and absolutely no memory of this one. Other than using the interwebs as spellcheck sometimes I just pick a random phrase that I don’t really know the definition of or where to use it but I feel like it might work somewhere in my life. I’m assuming this was for a blog but who knows, maybe I was just trying to spice up my everyday conversation vocabulary, I do declare!

What time does the Super Bowl start?

Honestly throwing the super bowl in a day before Valentine’s this year really messed up my internal clock. It’s never that late in the month, right?! Football is stupid. At least I didn’t need to look up anything associated with that Halftime show because it was TAILOR-MADE for my age demo. Make that lineup into a tour and I’d buy tickets faster than an upside down Fiddy can say, “Go Shawty.”

The girls who get it, get it, the girls who don’t, don’t.

Shocking to no one: I don’t. Another stupid Gen Z thing. When will I stop googling young people phrases? WHEN I’M SIX FEET UNDER, TRICK. Seriously, there’s a reason friends and fam text me and ask me what these sorts of things mean. They know I hate having FOMO and have no shame in my Google game. So if you’re ever embarrassed about searching something on your own, just shoot me a textie text. (This also applies to celebrity nudes or sex tapes. Chances are I’ve already done the dirty work to search such smut and I’m happy to share and keep your browser history clean.)

Can I pop the white bump on my eyelid?

At first glance I figured the makeup artist who had a severe issue with gluing my fake lashes on for a wedding this past fall left a glob of glue behind…then three weeks later when it was still lingering on my eye, I was excited to find out if I’d discovered an inconvenient pimple to burst. Seriously, I think I salivated a little at the thought of embarking on new pimple popping real estate on my face. As it turns out, it’s ill-advised to pop and guess what is still living rent-free on my eye 6 months later? THANKS FOR TELLING ME TO LEAVE IT ALONE, MOM, NOW I HAVE PERMANENT CHUNKY EYE.

Can I get pink eye from my dog?

For those of you who have had the pleasure of knowing me for many years, you’ll know that 2018 was the year I couldn’t seem to stop getting pink eye. I’ve been a ferocious eye rubber my whole life (not sorry bout it, my eyes be itchin) and it turns out itchy eyes doesn’t mix well with touching people’s dirty towels at a spa. The summer I worked at the spa I picked up “the pink” twice and then had PTSD for anytime my eyes watered that I had it again and would immediately started splooging cream into my eyeball as a precaution. It also coincidentally was one of the times in my life I was sans health insurance and that goopy eye cream was EXPENSIVE so I really wanted to get my money’s worth. But I digress, back to the real issue here, my dog licks her butthole roughly 900 times a day. I’d say if her tongue isn’t caressing me with sloppy kisses, it’s cleaning out her nether regions. So when a rogue lick caught me in the eye when I wasn’t paying attention, you bet your bottom dollar I was hopping on over to Google in fear. Happy to report dogs cannot pass pink eye but also it is not recommended to let their tongues grace your moneymaker because they carry a whole lot of bacteria. Whatever. Respectfully, I decline. I didn’t get a dog to not get on the ground with her and let her all up in my grillpiece with smooches.

*Also I refuse to reveal everything I’ve googled since procuring the pooch because the limit does not exist to what I won’t ask the Internet. From “what can’t dogs eat” to “why is my dog dipping her paw in the water dish while she’s drinking” to “how do I get my dog to stop biting me” there is not one thing this dog has done that hasn’t been researched. And boy oh boy it’s a slippery slope, you’ll go from thinking you’re a great dog mom who wants to be proactive and knowledgeable to feeling like you traumatized your dog because you pushed her butt into the crate one time. The great news is I’ve had her for almost two months and she’s still alive and thriving so shout out to me for that. I also rescued her from living on the streets with a homeless drifter so I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I’m not NOT saying it either.

Super Tongue Sneak Attack

Bonus: A behind the curtains peek into the Google shitstorm that occurs just to write ONE blog. Here’s my search history from the night I wrote the Met Gala Red Carpet blog:

  • Does gilded mean gold
  • Are flappers in the gilded age
  • Does the gilded age include the 1920s
  • When is mid century
  • Did cars exist in the 1800s
  • The British are coming meme

Honestly I would feel embarrassed about how LITTLE I paid attention in History (Sorry, Mr. Muench) except for the fact that judging by that red carpet no one in Hollywood paid attention either and they pay people to make them look smart and good so, HA. The Salty Ju would not exist without the power of the Internet (both to answer all of my dumb questions and to publish all of my idiotic words) and I wouldn’t have it any other way! Seriously if an apocalypse happened and I didn’t have an iPhone with 5G in my hands at all times, I would die within 5 minutes and I don’t care who knows it. Onto 31–excited to see what another year of a deteriorating brain and body will bring me 🎉

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Red Carpet

Met Gala Red Carpet 2022

We’re back for another rendition of everything that’s douchey about Hollywood. An elite guest list, a theme, and a red carpet for pretty much no reason. IT’S THE MET BALL, BB’s! And this year we’re sWiTcHiNg things up on The Salty Ju. Instead of doing the classic best and worst dressed list, we’re going to stick it to these b*holes who get invited to this EXCLUSIVE red carpet by Anna Wintour herself and show up wearing whatever the F they want. As someone who dresses exceptionally well for a theme, it really grinds my gears when people blatantly disrespect it and decide they’ll look better in their own thing. So this year, we’re rewarding the rule followers, and honestly this was an eye opening experience as I was sorting, to come to the realization that almost NO ONE adheres to miss Anna’s very specific dress code. Between you and me, Ms. Wintour, I’d be doing a personal door check and bouncing anyone who went rogue. Oh, you want free booze and an A-list gift basket? Read the invite and dress appropriately, homeslice. But I digress. According to Vogue, this year’s theme is: “In America: An Anthology of Fashion,” with the dress code being gilded glamour and white tie. Channeling the time period between 1870 to 1890, the event “will ask its attendees to embody the grandeur—and perhaps the dichotomy—of Gilded Age New York.” Let’s rock n roll with these snobby anti-themers.

WHAT IS A THEME?! I’m FAMOUS!

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Kicking things off is Hailey Bieber in the ever popular with her age group, silky slip dress, nips perked. Is she having a very dramatic moment with the feathers and the wind? Sure! Is she on theme? Sure isn’t.

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This fair gent is wearing what looks to be a Goodyear on his head. Cars didn’t exist in the Gilded Age. They were still buggying around with horses and shit. I rest my case.

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Apparently this woman is an actress in the show entitled “The Gilded Age.” It really can’t get anymore straightforward than that. And yet, she interpreted the theme into THIS. Her hair is very on point. Her gold leafy nudity, not so much.

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Dude is so committed to the bit of being a 70’s smooth operator that he spit directly in the face of Anna Wintour by wearing the exact same wrong decade getup that he wore to the Grammys. The disrespect is so real. Take that stupid wig and sing your story walkin, Anderson.

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Oh alright, bud! Head to toe peptol bismol! I guess that’d be approps if you were heading to a medicine cabinet themed party. But alas…

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He gets famous for wetting the bed back in the 90’s, makes a comeback as the snarkiest Roy sibling and now suddenly he’s got a 2 kewl for school attitude? Get lawst.

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I am very perplexed by this getup. It tells about 10 stories in one. Auto shop employee meets mid-century prince dismounting his horse? Did he for reals tuck what looks to be scrubs into riding boots? Don’t answer that. 

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This walking octo-condom did not understand the assignment. 

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This is what KILLS me. She was the leading charge of the Gilded Age last year. Bridgerton was a hit sensation and she was serving all of the pristine looks (save for those horrific micro bangs) and HERE WE ARE. YOU GET PAID TO WEAR THE PERFECT OUTFITS FOR THIS RED CARPET AND YOU JUST WANTED TO LOOK HOT AND SHOW EVERYONE YOUR BOD, ADMIT IT!

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Another common theme I found is that celebrities heard Gilded Age and immediately went, ah yes, Flapper! Cause you know, the 1870-1890 somehow equals 1920. Hand up, I did have to google this because my history knowledge has been edged out by useless pop culture trivia. And apparently the Gilded Age can extend all the way to 1920. So they’re not COMPLETELY wrong. But also, there was a clear time cutoff and it was before the 1900’s, soooo, still no.

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Everyone hates you and showing up off theme and wearing F off shades and telling everyone you’re just here to drink MEANS YOU SHOULD NOT BE THERE. Ugh. Don’t get me started on this asshat.

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Cute! Love the color coordination. But not gilded.

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A sparkly hood! Fun! But off theme AF.

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Another flapper.

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Get it, you flamenco queen, you! (somewhere else because you can’t follow instructions.)

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I’m just gonna wear black and look hot. K, bub.

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Beautiful! A spring dream! For any other red carpet but this one.

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Vanessa Hudgens has been a real sex machine on the red carpet this past year. She’s looking like a hot tamale but I don’t see how lacy nipz would’ve been acceptable at a time when women weren’t allowed to be in a room alone with a man unless they were married. Just a hunch.

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Classic black pantsuit. Totes wouldn’t fly in the corset so tight you can’t sit down days.

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Dakota was clearly like I just want to shimmy my tassels all over the carpet in this cool jumpsuit. Shimmy back to the limo.

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More nips, more black.

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Did Kylie Jenner just invent the type of veil I’ll wear at my wedding should a man ever want to marry a girl who wears a backwards hat at her wedding?! Yeah she really did. Ain’t nothin gilded about that though.

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Oh, uh huh. Yep. Eskimo dominatrix for sure. WHAT DID SHE SEE ON THE INVITE TO INVOKE THIS?!

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I am too stunned to make a comprehensive snarky comment to this. What on God’s Green Gilded Earth are we looking at here?

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Season 2’s Bridgerton darling. Again, babed up a storm during the season, caught herself a foine-ass man with all of her beautifully bright gowns, and felt the need to show us what was hiding underneath those gowns on the red carpet. THE QUEEN WOULD NOT APPROVE.

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Peek-a-Boo! It’s another defying the theme look.

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WE DID GOTH ALREADY, KARLIE.

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Haven’t done dominatrix yet but apparently the Hadid sisters felt that since they’re supermodels, they could just adhere to their own rules.

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No. Just no.

 

The “I’ll just wear gold or silver” Crowd

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Kim bleached her hair and is wearing one of Marilyn Monroe’s dresses. Oh, honey. Please.

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These people aren’t being called out directly because an effort was made. They heard gilded and went literal. And that’s obviously much better than going hot pink tuxedo or plain ole awards gown. So we’re giving them halfsies points. Megan looks fierce as hell in these gilded wings.

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I will not award any points to this Tiger King garbage though. Let me make that clear.

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Disney star who has pretty much no business being there and she wears a gold bra. BOLD.

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We’ve got a Jessica Rabbit in gold moment happening here. Stopping at the choker of cherub wings would’ve been fine.

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I realize I said that we’re giving this group half points but that only applies to the “gilded” looks. Anyone who heard the theme and just chose silver or sparkly doesn’t have a brain and that’s obvious. They are not the same. One is silver and the other’s GOLD.

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Also this is pastel yellow so nice try and IS KRIS JENNER CHANNELING JACKIE O?! What the hell were Kim and Kris going for here?!

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GILDED NIPPLES!

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Those waist training days really paid off for the Kardashian clan! This dress is theme-adjacent and out of their whole goon squad who showed up, Khloe nailed it the best.

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Bonus points for this looking like the most uncomfortable gown on this planet. Just draped in gold chains. We’re getting warmer, folks.

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Lots of regal boob accents at the Met Ball. I imagine double sided tape was working overtime last night. A modern Gilded Age would be AFLUSH with flesh, clearly. (I know, I need to put myself down for a nap.)

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I’ve made this reference recently on a red carpet but when you get a head to toe metallic look, you can’t help but think of Zenon’s #1 popstar crush Prota Zoa. Cole’s got everything but the silver spiky hair. Galaxy theme, bruh.

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Silver flapper with 70’s flair! But not 1800’s Gilded.

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That is a gold-embossed Queen jacket.

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Flap-Flap-FLAPPER

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She looks stunning and the best of all the Gold beauties!

The Girls Who Get It, Get It (CONGRATS TO THESE THEMESTERS)

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Here we are! We’ve made it! We went through nearly 40 blatant theme disrespecters to keep our eye on the prize. Corsets and petticoats and head pieces, oh my! I will say one thing that I know for sure from my vigorous research (binging seasons 1 and 2 of Bridgerton the minute they dropped) nothing screams 1800’s more than knockers literally being pressed up into a woman’s chin. Corsets are great at shutting down that rib cage and creating an unattainable waist to hip ratio, but ALL THAT FLAB GOTTA GO SOMEWHERE AMIRITE?! Did you really tie your midsection so tight you can’t breathe unless your areolas are scraping your eyebrows? No you did not. Well done, Billie.

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Lady Whistledown could’ve served a hell of a more accurate outfit than this but at least she outshined her counterparts. WHERE ARE THE DRAMATIC UPDO CURLS?! And the yellow dress?! I’m guessing she never wants to don another yellow dress for as long as she lives. This is edgy LW.

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I think I’ve just gotten to the point where I see a head piece and I’m like yeah she’s doing it. That’s the theme even though she kinda just looks like Miss Cleo.

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Really didn’t need a full hand pose for his coordinated mani but the double layer jacket has a Prince Charming “may I get a slot on your dance card” babeness to it. Take me for a twirl, Shawn.

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The top of this getup looks like something one would wear to bed in the 1800’s so yeah it counts. Turning it into a crop is SO 2022. God I hate this year. Also not for nothing but is she alive? LMK.

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Good work Ansel, looking like a straight up castle servant.

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CHECK OUT THAT HEADPIECE. That’s it. Nothing about this near cooch slip dress is Gilded. But that frisbee on her head says it all.

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Pretty sure she’d be burned at the stake for wearing this back in the day but I LOVE it. She’s rocking that “The British are Coming” bedazzled coat. 

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Down with this updated flair on the ole classic. We’ve still got full coverage and a corset but we’re having fun with it, ya know?! Lime green heels, jazzy feathers and diamonds, darling. How Parisian of her.

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I think we can all comfortably assume why everyone ignores the theme each year when the host of the damn party barely even follows it. I’ve talked shit on Anna before and I don’t care who knows it. Each year I’ve covered the Met red carpet, I’ve come for Anna. She wears what she wants to wear. Obviously, she’s the top of the chain in fashion…so she can. But don’t throw a theme party every year, make a BFD and then wear the same color palette and style of a dress year after year. TAKE A RISK, ANNA. Technically because she’s wearing a tiara she’s “on theme” but the rest of this is her same old shit. I’m WATCHING YOU ANNA WINTOUR.

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I love that she basically took a nightgown and turned it into a showstopper of a dress just by making it lime green.

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It’s the fan. I’m telling you props are EVERYTHING. Surprisingly Kacey was the only attendee to be tossing that shade around and that would be the very first thing I purchased if I were attending this event. Cool ass fan and cool ass dome piece. Anyway, the rest of this firework situation is giving me very sixties vibes.

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Ok so here’s where I got confused. I saw these next two looks first and immediately assumed the theme was New York City. I guess this falls into the “New York” part of the Gilded Age which no one else seemed to tackle. Alicia Keys with the NY skyline on her cape is such a badass move and I’d be swishing that cape all over the joint.

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My queen. My first girl crush. And I guess Ryan too, whatever. Blake explained the back story to her look and I literally lost track of all the NYC references it has. She’s got the statue of Liberty and Empire State Building and she lost me when she started describing how the number of diamonds in her crown reflected the continents or some shit. Either way, it was obviously very meticulously designed and she looks like Miss New York. I’m obsessed. (This doesn’t take much as she posted a photo of herself wearing overalls a week ago and captioned it “Overall…it was a good day” and I was first and foremost mad at myself for never captioning one of my overall pics with that clever play on words and secondly it further confirmed that she is my soulmate.)

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A wet dream for Carrie Bradshaw, an event where headpieces are the most welcome. Let us all have a moment of silence for the bird from her original wedding where she got abandoned at the altar. Carrie invented fabulous headwear and yes I KNOW that SJP and Carrie aren’t the same person but I’ve been watching a lot of SATC and just let me have this moment, ok? And just like that, I learned, the higher the hat, the closer to the Empire State Building. Ok, I’m done. I’m putting myself in timeout.

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Morticia and Gomez over here are giving me the willies but technically I guess they’re following the rules even though it’s nightmare fuel.

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A table top skirt and bonus points for originality because she’s the only one who tackled a shapely gown. I’m sure she immediately regretted it after reaching the end of the red carpet and not being able to sit down but FASHION IS PAIN.

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This dress is making curtains and tablecloths look chic as hell. 

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If mansion wallpaper were a dress. Love it so much.

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A chair of the evening, and Mister NY himself via Hamilton, Lin played it safe and kept it very on theme with this Gilded formalwear.

 

And that’s all she wrote, folks. No best dressed award of the evening because it’s not a fair fight when 90% of the attendees just pick something out of their closet the day of. Maybe if Anna led by example and we got a little bit more crackdown of outfit judging at the entry points, people would take this seriously. Even though May is the month of ME, I’m willing to take some time off and zip on a train down to the city next year to help out with this. I’ve got a mean resting bitch face and I won’t have any problem telling celebs to march on back to their penthouse and throw on something more appropriate or I’ll take all of the photographers off of the red carpet for them SO HA.

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Pop Culture

An Email to JLo Containing Unsolicited Relationship Advice

Editors Note: After JLo texted me the below video urging me to email her, I wrote this piece and submitted it to a pop culture satire site to be published. They accepted, said they would publish it in about a week. That was over a month ago. In light of the recent updates in JLo’s relashe status, I felt it was necessary to do a scooch of editing and fire it off myself. Cause yeah it’s nice to be validated by outside publishing, but also by the time they post this piece, JLo could be on her 7th engagement so time is clearly of the essence here. ENJOY.

Hey girl,

It’s me, the one (out of thousands) that you text when you’re on a marketing blitz or when you just want to say, “Merry Christmas, Baby” with a sparkle emoji. Recently you texted a video to your inner circle (me) that you want to create a community through email where you share your most personal news that you wouldn’t share on a talk show…#OnTheJLo. Although I feel humbled to be chosen as a part of your inner circle, I also have to be true to our close friendship and keep it 100 with you, like I would any other BFF. Typically when a close gal pal is acting out, I gently keep her in line with a passive aggressive text. If the behavior persists, I’m forced to stop liking her Instagram photos for a week to show that she’s on thin ice in our girl gang. That gets her attention REAL quick. Now that I’m someone you feel like you can confide in, I owe you the same respect. Except something tells me if your glam shot had one less like out of the 1.9 billion, your feathers wouldn’t be ruffled. I guess that means I’ll have to take a more tough love direct approach with you. Sliding right into your Yahoo inbox like the rest of your inner circle does without a doubt.

So I just have one question to start and that question is obviously WHY BEN? BBGurl, you are a QUEEN. You are on top of the world and still crushing it. You’re 52 years old with a body in peak physical condition. Your skin is flawless, your hair is shiny, you’re still touring, churning out bangers AND creating relatable rom coms. It’s like nothing can stop you, except of course, for the 250 pounds of dead weight on your arm with a cig in one hand and a Dunks icey in the other. When you started flaunting your reunion, I entered the first stage of grief and sat in denial that a total boss babe like you would ever take back her sloppy ex-fiancé from almost twenty years ago. I let it slide because nothing will get under a man’s skin more than moving on IMMEDIATELY from a relationship and I knew that ARod must’ve been seething from this revelation. It also seemed super charitable of you. Fake date Ben Affleck fresh off of a breakup and give that sad sack some good publicity after he got dumped by a total hottie and has been in and out of rehab. I thought, good for you Jen! Find a way to write this deed off in your taxes this year. (Do superstars pay taxes? You can get back to me on that.)

Except here we are almost a year later and y’all are still together. Not just still together. Y’ALL ARE NOW ENGAGED. We can no longer brush this off as a publicity stunt. It has now made the full transformation into a good ole fashioned bad decision. And listen booboo, we all make them, especially when it comes to love. Usually, if we make some bad moves in our twenties and thirties, it’s just called growing up. If you’re still making the same mistakes (cough cough 6 engagements) in your forties and fifties, it might be time to get a better therapist, girliecat. I know this may sound harsh but I gotta spill the tea…cuz I’m real—just like you taught me to be in your smash hit with Ja Rule circa 2001. You know what’s also real? The tattoo of a dragon that covers Ben’s *entire* back. Jen. Jenny. JLo. Be honest with yourself. Do you want to wake up 15 years from now spooning a wrinkly golden dragon back while stale cigarette smoke clings to the drapes in your bedroom? I don’t want to put words in your mouth but no you do not.

I’ll level with you here because I don’t want you to think I’m coming strictly from a place of judgment. I’m only coming at you from a place of experience. No, I’m not from the block. And no, I didn’t star in movies with my ex or plan a multi-million dollar wedding at risk of being mobbed by paparazzi. Lastly, I certainly didn’t have an adorable couple name like Bennifer seared into pop culture history. However, I know firsthand what it’s like to keep going back to a real slob kebab of an ex-boyfriend with some questionable ink who didn’t deserve me. I know what it feels like to want the comfort, nostalgia, and chemistry of an old flame. And yeah, it can be distracting when the whole world loses their damn minds because you two are canoodling on a yacht off the coast of Italy just like in the Jenny From the Block music video. But I gotta give you a peek into the future from a gal whose seen this film before and didn’t like the ending—it ain’t your fairytale, homegirl. It ain’t even one of your phenomenal blockbuster chick flicks from the early aughts. Your leading man isn’t Matthew McConaughey in The Wedding Planner. Your leading man is Matthew McConaughey in Magic Mike. He’s seen some shit. He’ll drag you down.

And as you most recently said in your acceptance speech for the iHeartRadio Icon award, “Let me tell you something else, I am just getting started.” YEAH YOU ARE, BABY! Dump that trash into the Boston Harbor like he’s British East India Company tea and take an unburdened strut right toward world domination, you beautiful princess warrior with an ass that won’t quit. GO ON WITH YOUR BAD SELF. You got this. I believe in you. 

Love,

A Concerned Bestie

PS Shoot me a textie whenever you want to take a post-breakup tropical getaway with your inner circle because we all know a green diamond does not a lasting relationship make. I’ll be there with a beach bag packed and a pump it up playlist of your best sassy single jams when it all falls apart. 💋

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Red Carpet

CMT Awards Red Carpet 2022

Alas, an awards show with music I’m actually familiar with and don’t feel too old, washed up or uncool to consume! Can always count on the trusty ole CMT Awards to inject the true spirit of Nashville into our veins with a side of sparkles.

WORST

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Honestly this isn’t the worst but I’m putting them on here out of spite. I get that they’re a group but unless they’re N*SYNC at the VMA’s circa early 2000’s wearing coordinated outfits, they’re ALL SEPARATE PEOPLE AND THEIR OUTFITS SHOULD BE JUDGED AS SUCH. Stop only releasing a foursome photograph from the red carpet. I don’t have time to crop a pic and drop half of them on the worst and half of them on the best. For instance, the left side of this photo (the blondes) would get razzed for the puffy sleeves and Dorothy stripper heels and the what appears to be Jaclyn Smith linen leopard top for middle-aged women. While the right side (the brunettes) would get kudos for looking chic as hell. See? Exhausting. Pose separately next time or you’re getting CUT FROM THE LIST…

FOR-EV-ER.

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Not everyone can pull off the long hair, babes. Clean it up.

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Bold of the guy who made a career off of making fun of other celebrities to show up to a red carpet lookin like ole hipster Indiana Jones headass.

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What in the actual fuck am I looking at here? Riddle me this, on top of the mish mash of fabrics…what’s the point of tucking each pant leg into the cowboy boot differently? Is there really someone who is like WAIT!!! Tuck the black cargo pant in up high so you can see more of the boot and the denim can have a tapered jogger effect right around the ankle. PERFECTION!

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KEWL! A LITE BRITE! How these guys became famous for giving makeovers is beyond me.

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Head to toe this is an outfit straight out of 2009 and it sent a shiver right down my spine. Leggings, pointy pumps, and the big booty big ole chunky belt that serves absolutely no purpose but to give me sweaty flashbacks to a permanent underboob indentation because I pulled that bitch as tight as it would go and slapped it over every piece of clothing I owned.

Boy oh boy do I wish someone would’ve told me to give that black Miss Trunchbell belt a rest that year. (Realistically I bet my sister did a number of times and I just rolled my eyes at her and told her it was fashion and she didn’t understand because she was still wearing men’s clogs from American Eagle with flare jeans on the reg.)

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Jason. Jase. J-Money. You couldn’t have possibly looked at your wife with a straight face and not asked if this was a Halloween costume. WHO THE HELL WEARS THIS IN PUBLIC?! And more importantly, who the hell marries a man who doesn’t tell you when you look ridiculous?! God forbid I ever lock someone down but I’d divorce their ass RULL quick if he looked at me and was like lookin good, babe. Give me a man who laughs directly in my face when I look stupid or give me spinster status. And a SHOULDER BOW?! REALLY? 

PS unrelated but the color of her feet are why spray tans should be illegal. How we as a society have shamed women for using tanning beds but the “healthy” alternative is spraying their bod a different color and making *just* their hands and feet look like they were dipped in chocolate is criminal. IT’S 2022 THERE HAS TO BE A BETTER WAY TO GET BRONZED.

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(Forever bringing everything back to me) I’ve gotten like 3 spray tans in my life and I still haven’t figured out how to prevent this mildly offensive black face*

*hand. 

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Love Ryan’s pink suit…goes without saying that I hate Maren’s outfit. Have I had a grudge against her pretty much ever since she hit the scene and strutted all over Keith Urban’s stage in hot pants? Sure have. But even I can be a bigger person from time to time and admit when she’s killin a look. Unfortch, this doesn’t occur often. If this skirt wasn’t basically a mermaid tail, I’d be ok with this look.

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Keep your enemies back to back on the worst dressed list is what I always say. Miranda’s been dead to me since she left Blake and started homewreckin all over the joint. Can’t stan a country music hooch and errebody knows it. And coincidentally, hooch pretty much sums up this dress for me.

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WHOA BABY my eyes have been assaulted by each half of this coups. Guess that means these two are soulmates in tacky fash? Typically I’d be razzle dazzled by this sparkle suit but I am DROWNING in his chest hair. Never have I ever wanted to see chest pubez porking out of a wife beater on a red carpet. And the gold chain. What are you in Goodfellas? When you’re done gasping at the goomba on the left, rollerskate on over to Miss 70’s velour leisure suit on the right. My lanta it’s BAD.

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CMT Awards or Middle School Dance? What fresh hell is this loofah madness with neon plastic jewelry most certainly from Claire’s?!

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The scrunchie high pony is the best part about this booger suit.

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Let’s just allow this unflattering as hell denim dress speak for itself. And I’ll speak for it as well because I just can’t help myself: DENIM IS UNFORGIVING AND SHOULD NEVER BE A SKINTIGHT DRESS. And rhinestone denim boots…those really do speak for themselves.

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Nothing says Nash Vegas like a poop-colored gown and 10 gallon hat. Pray tell, are those supposed to be spurs on her metallic heels?

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I don’t know that I’ll ever get on board with this sheer curtain dealio. Sorry for being a prude but it looks like a nightie that you wear on your wedding night when you lose your virginity as we ladies do (wink.)

BEST

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RAWR. Carrie combined my favorite color and my favorite animal print so she’s good in my book, y’all. (If you look close, I believe she also perfectly coordinated her mani and I damn near almost fainted at that discovery. Truly a girl after my own heart.)

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Having a hard time understanding how the chick who was Covid Positive and hosted via teleconference from her home got a red carpet pic and looks this snatched. (Did I use that term right, youths?) It’s like Jesus resurrecting. Kelsea’s like SURPRISE Y’ALL, COVID-who!? And then apparently went right back to her home where she mailed in her duties from the comfort of her living room.

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Can’t go wrong with classic black/silver and a wife half your age. ZING.

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Taylor looks sauve AF, could take or leave the lava lamp disco ball on his arm.

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I love the shit out of Wynonna taking a backseat to her flashy as hell mom. Also the fact that I had to google if that was her sister or her mom because **plastic surgery**.

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The suit he wore onstage was 100x cooler IMO but I guess he decided to play it safe for the carpet. It’s a classic but I wish he went with this bold patriotic zoot suit for the carpet as well:

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Elegance and class from head to toe! I love everything about this.

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Diggity down for the pop of red.

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His signature plain baseball cap to hide the baldz and is that a fire flames coat?! I approve.

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Brownie points for an eggplant suit but honestly I’ve never seen a worse host. I realize he stepped in to cover for Kelsea but my lord what a monotone voice on this fella. Let’s only give him a mic if he’s gonna sing into it from now on, mmk?

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What a wittle teddy bear of a babe soda. A perfect combo of casj & fance.

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I’ve always been on the outskirts of the Carly Pearce fandom. I followed her hasty union with Michael Ray and abrupt divorce soon after but after seeing her SASS on all over the stage singing a song about how she’s keeping the diamond after a breakup I wanted to shout YAS KWEEN into a megaphone. The drama she delivered should have Michael Ray shakin in his boots. Also she looks like a bombshell. This is Carly’s year. Get it gurl.

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That jacket is cool as cool gets. PULLING IT OFF.

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I saw Breland live and he’s the cutest little ray of sunshine I’ve ever laid eyes on. He’s just happy to be here and I dig that energy. Even dressed as an asparagus I can’t throw shade at him. Look at that megawatt smile.

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I cannot get past JJD’s legs. Like I honestly don’t even really love the dress but my jaw is permanently on my living room carpet from these damn stems giving Carrie a run for her money.

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I always love a fun dazzling party frock. The dubz peace sign can kick rocks.

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Nelly’s been dressing like a G-D goon since the dawn of time. If it ain’t broke don’t fix it, country grammar. I’m mostly just impressed by how strong a neck he must have to carry that pendant that’s probably equivalent to wearing a dumbbell on a chain. (If this was Ludacris I could quote my fave lyric of all time “feels like a midget is hanging from my necklace.” But I don’t want to disrespect Luda by hinting that the man can be outshined by a reckless medallion.)

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

GOES TO A COUPLE! The subtle spring color coordination between these two made me gasp. They are perfect little preppy angels and Lauren’s fresh glow didn’t come from Zoom Tan so bonus points for that. I mean that mint jacket and her mint heels. WOO BABY. We really need spring to get here quick, I’m getting a head rush just from some florals and pastels.

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Red Carpet

Grammys Red Carpet 2022

WOWOWOW b2b awards shows what a treat for us all! Unfortunately no one was bitch slapped at this one, but you can’t win em all. If you had bets on how soon the slap was addressed, you CAN win them all because it only took 21 mins for a “stay in your seats” joke. God love awards shows and their low hanging fruit comedy. Now onto my low hanging fruit of jabs about the fabrics everyone chose to adorn themselves in.

WORST.

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Am I being punk’d? Where’s Ashton? Since when is playing dress-up in Shaq’s suit paired with LITERAL moon boots, FASHION?! Tossing the hot pink beanie and Men in Black shades on top of that are really just the sprinkles on this cupcake of a shithole outfit. Hailey, you’re good. Justin, see yourself out.

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Oh, no bbgurl. Mixed media with the exotic prints? Everyone knows the steadfast rule…pick ONE zoo animal to rep on the red carpet. And HIP gems?! Uh-uh.

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Not only is this look terrifying but I watched 2 minutes of the E red carpet and those whole two minutes consisted of Laverne saying “you are amazing” to Avril Lavigne on repeat like a robot that’s malfunctioning. I cringed all the way out of my skin. Can we PLEASE start doing tryouts for red carpets cause not everyone has the skills to quickly converse with a celeb, get a juicy lil soundbyte then wrap it up and toss it to someone else. “Hey Avril, great to see you, what do you think about the urban legend that you died 10 years ago and someone has been impersonating you? Are you the real Avril? Prove it.  Ok well then who are you wearing? You look fabulous, have a great night, back to you, Ryan!” BOOM. THAT IS HOW IT’S DONE. (For the right price I can be available, E!) My God these red carpets have gotten embarrassingly bad. 

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Hey, is this the Grammy’s? Am I in the right place? Yeah I was invited, here’s my invite, it was hanging on my fridge, good thing I remembered to grab it before I came. Anyway, where’d you guys park?!

PS Little Bites confetti flavor slap THE hardest.

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I’m sorry sir but are those CARGO pants?! Slap an Old Navy tech vest on with those bad boys and you’re ready to use that ample pocket room to store dino-shaped nuggs for a convenient snackie.

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Zenon girl of the 21st century when did you get here?! To be clear Zenon never would’ve been allowed to wear a see through dress featuring mint undies, she was barely even allowed to see Proto Zoa in concert. This caption will only be funny to my fellow elder millennials. Everyone else, invest some time in the Disney Channel Original Movies of the early aughts, they were the peak of entertainment. We Don’t Talk About Bruno could NEVER compare to Zoom Zoom Zoom, make my heart go Boom Boom Boom.

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Is Shaggy one-strapping his backpack on the way to Econ? If those glasses are telling us anything it’s that he does his homework every night. NERD. I razz hoard but I’m truly baffled by the casj approach that the men of the Grammys have taken. It’s literally like someone rolled a red carpet down the middle of a college campus. 

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This is a Carmen Sandiego look I CANNOT get behind. HOW BIG IS THAT HAT?! What are you, Turd Ferguson?

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Oh My Lanta! Pray for whoever had to sit beside (or directly next to) Elle. Or honestly even up in the nosebleeds. I think this hat had real estate all the way down the Las Vegas Strip.

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Speaking of Turd…Lotta poop colors in this dress and matching the heels to these poopy tones sent me right over the edge, tbh.

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There are SO many things happening here I don’t even know where to start. We’ve got a longsleeve layered under a kimono and y’all KNOW how much I hate a longsleeve underneath. It was forced upon me WAY too many times in elementary or middle school when I really wanted to wear a killer graphic tee but true to Central New York weather, it was 40 degrees in May. So yeah forgive me for being a little triggered by the bi-layer. Then we’ve got the chunky under-boob belt. Another trend that should’ve been set ablaze as it was happening. Finally, I’d be remiss not to mention the drawstring curtain ruched sleeves. I wish we could close the sleeves on this whole outfit. ZING. (I know that joke stinks. Guess who doesn’t care? THIS GAL.)

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Oh no, oh no, oh no no no (plz sing in annoying TikTok voice) Maren will never quit with the check out my goodies looks at awards shows. I don’t need to see your lace bra to know you’re hot. This outfit is white trash as hell. SNAKESKIN AND YOUR BRA ON DISPLAY?! Mind’s well have a pack of Marlboros tucked in that bralette. (Sure did google the phrase “White trash cigarette brand” for this on point caption. If you could only see the kind of shit I google when I’m blogging. I’d be Will Smith cancelled* for SURE.)

*For those of you that are unclear: “Will Smith Cancelled” means everyone would be outraged and annoyed at me for a couple of weeks, I’d issue a few generic notes app apologies on how I’m always improving and it’ll be back to business as usual in about a month.*

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Cooch. Hoo-ha. Flower. Twat. Penis Fly Trap. Whichever way you spin it, this dress is giving me total snatch vibes.

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I think we addressed this on the last red carpet blog but I obviously never got a response…what’s with the wiener flap? This one is extra long too…you know what that means! Just kidding, I don’t. What does it mean?

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WTF IS GOING ON WITH BILLIE’S NEW AESTHETIC?! Is she just log-rolling down a banquet table and tying a belt around whatever tablecloth fabric she collects along the way?

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No one can genuinely look at this outfit and not question if it’s a gag. It’s like a Blades of Glory ice dancer routine getup and is that her undies I see too?! Ladies, why would ANY of you want a sheer undercarriage moment?!

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I’m so beyond sick of these two and their stupid coordinated emo looks and their stupid slobbery tongue touching red carpet photos that I questioned whether I should even include them. And ultimately I did to serve as a PSA that we all need to stop trying to make small sunglasses happen. THEY’RE NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. My sister owned a pair of white sunglasses that swallowed half of her face at the time when Paris, Lindsay and Britney were wreaking havoc on the Beverly Hills Hotel bungalows and honestly I’d rather wear THOSE every day for the rest of my life than ever wear these tiny black shades that the Kardashian’s won’t quit.

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Giant bow. I rest my case. 

 

BEST.

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I’ve seen enough to know that we’re #blessed Lil Nas X didn’t show up in something more statement-making. Or you know, as a nude pregnant man. The pearls are v. wholesome.

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This is sleek and chic as hell.

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Gaga is the only celeb who can reinvent herself anytime she damn well pleases. Switching into her jazz/swing mode, Gagz showed up looking like an old classic Hollywood babe and gave us a world class tribute to her bestie Tony Bennett.

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Probably unpopular opinion but I love this. Lil Easter Peep of a host.

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Chels looks great and there’s not a doubt in my mind that Jo has lifts in his shoes to be taller than his girlfriend because I’d bet you double or nothing he’s a short king. PS I know this is splitting hairs but I’ll never be ok with men raw-dogging their dress shoes. Put a pair of socks on, you animal.

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Shocking absolutely everyone who knows me, I’m very into this Lloyd and Harry inspired matching suit look. As someone who went 30 years without ever setting eyes on the oft-quoted by frat boys lacking an intelligent sense of humor flick (Dumb and Dumber), I finally caved at the start of 2022 and watched it in full. And I’m happy to report I was right all along and I was missing absolutely nothing by refusing to see the movie for my entire life because I didn’t think it would be funny. It was not funny. “Our pets heads are falling off” is funnier when other people quote it than it was in the movie. The point of that tangent was to say that each bit from that movie is funnier when you see it done randomly out of context and wearing pastel double breasted suits to the Grammys with your fiance is 10/10 and they are PULLING IT OFF.

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Barbie: Grammy Edition. On POINT.

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Alright here’s the deal, I ripped Elle King for looking like Carmen Sandiego and then not 5 seconds later I saw Halsey and was like omg Carmen Sandiego, we stan. Does it make sense? Not really, but the conclusion I’ve come to is this: hat size is KEY in making something clown or cool. Elle is knocking out unsuspecting victims down in Texas with her wide brim, whereas Halsey’s dome piece almost needs a double take. Like oh, what’s that on her head, is that a hat?! The tilt is also a factor here. Tilt anything and it’s instantly chic. Plus she’s not in Ronald McDonald red. A subdued burgundy and tilted hat, CHEF’s kiss. Sorry, Elle. Dem’s da breaks.

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Paris is Paris and we’re always going to get sparkles and fingerless gloves. If it ain’t broke don’t fix it.

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I’ve flip-flopped a couple of times while looking at this one but ultimately I’m giving her the green light (wink.) It’s like the t-shirt you buy in any shore town with the bikini bod, but make it red carpet ready. Bold & sexy choice for someone who knows she’s about to sweep every category she’s nominated in. 

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TiffTiff’s been giving us the razzle dazzle lately (these past two weeks) and I love it.

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Um, I’m sorry but did Donatella Versace get inspiration from the Lizzie McGuire Movie?! It wouldn’t be completely outlandish as Isabella IS an Italian pop star. The minute I saw this asparagus from head to toe, HEY NOW, HEY NOOOOOWWWW rang through my brain. Seems like even ole leather face has to turn to the greats for fashion advice from time to time. 

Isabella

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I wonder if Rachel actually got invited to the Grammys or if Twitter had to get her invited. Either way, she looks bomb.

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I’m turning a blind eye to the GIANT hideous butt bow because I love the bubblegum pink latex. It has taken me quite a while to warm up to latex because as with everything in life, Kim Kardashian shoved it down our throats and it made me hate the shit out of it. But this is fun and youthful and adorable and therefore I’m on board.

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Lenny Kravitz is dripping sex, drugs and rock n roll in this outfit and I can’t even explain why. He just is. 

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Sometimes Brandi goes a little TOO western and it’s like ok we get it, you’re one step away from having a piece of hay hanging out of your boca. But credit where credit is due, she’s werkin this bedazzled suit.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

I mean, Carrie is having a moment here and you can’t really deny it. No other looks from the red carpet slapped you RIGHT IN THE FACE like this one did. Even thought I’ve been off the Carrie-wagon ever since her dramatics around her face injury, she’s serving a whole goldilocks princess look here and y’all better recognize.

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Red Carpet

Oscars Red Carpet 2022

We take what we can get for awards season now…this cold hard truth not only applies to the drought of red carpets nowadays but also the three raggedy ass hosts they cobbled together for this awards show. One, that I might add, operated perfectly fine without a host at all in previous years and no one even missed irrelevant comedians telling the obvious ‘Leonardo Dicaprio only dates younger’ jokes and terribly unfunny bits. And even though the job has been done by one or sometimes none, we had three women last night trying to entertain us and make us laugh and the show was painfully boring up until Will Smith cold cocked Chris Rock for making a joke about his wife being GI Jane (she is bald due to alopecia.) I only know that this happened because of Twitter. ABC cut the whole thing then everyone went ahead and kept it moving like dad didn’t just hit mom at the dinner table. Nothin like covering up a physical fight on live TV! But don’t worry, whoever Will Smith blew at the network continued to cover his ass when he accepted an award later on and proceeded to blubber onstage about protecting his family and the things we do for love. He got a REAL nice edit as we basically watched a screensaver instead of him snotting up all the boogs in a tight closeup. They also allowed him to basically word vomit and slobber for as long as he pleased without playing him off. So here’s the deal…if we’re going to be deprived of awards shows, the few that we get better have as much drama as an episode of Below Deck and the next time a network tries to cut out and cover it up, heads are gonna roll. GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT. Anyway, here’s how everyone dressed for the celebrity smackdown of ’22.

WORST.

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It’s the puffy sleeves and black lace gloves for me. Also sweet black briefs.

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Did she for realsies tie the top of her dress like it’s a dog poop bag full of turds?

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WHAT IN THE GOTHIC HELL IS THIS, MAGGIE?! Magpie played it real safe at the SAG’s only to show up at the biggest red carpet stage with hieroglyphics pinned all over her damn body.

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We are an excited wave away from those knockers bustin through for a meet and greet.

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I very much love Billie’s hair. Neon green should never be a color choice for luscious locks and I’m so glad she’s gotten herself out of that alien silk jammies and two-toned hair phase. hOwEvEr…wrapping yourself in a table skirt is no bueno. We’ve still got some work to do hun-nay.

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BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Mr. Superior Thinkin over here had the AUDACITY to grace a red carpet after he was dragged for 10 whole minutes in November and never even acknowledged it?! GET. LAAAAWWWWST. You think you’re too cool for the Oscars? You don’t need to dress up? Just go casj because you grew up in a silver spoon gated community? Those shoes organic? Boy, bye.

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I mean we get it, Megan, you got a body that won’t quit. But I’d still like to see you in something that’s doing a lot less. You can still show off those stemz of yours tastefully.

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These two make my eyes roll out of my head and down the street. I’m sick of them. I want them to go away for a little while and that was true BEFORE Will just casually popped off at Chris Rock for seemingly no reason (still waiting for a playback on that one…we watch paint dry for 2.5 hours and they cut the juiciest moment. Buncha squares over at ABC.) Regardless, shout out to my girl Kat for giving me the perfect summary of Jada’s dress: looks like she’s covered in green trash bags. I hope now that this press tour for Will’s movie is over, these two will moonwalk into oblivion and give us all a break.

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Shweet plaid bow tie, Penelope. SOUND fashion decision. 

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DIE AWAY FROM ME, PEPLUM. I don’t even really know if this falls under the peplum category kinda looks like she’s got an inner tube around her waist but whatever you wanna call it, it sucks.

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Well the good news is if your hands get chilly you can just shove them into your seashell pockets.

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Someone please explain this wiener cover in the form of a fancy dinner napkin. What is the purpose of this? I NEED TO KNOW.

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I gotta believe cool guy snowboarder Shaun White has more potential than a plain black tux. Really could’ve wowed us here, maybe even done a bold funky USA suit since it was his last hurrah at the Olympics and he gives us Men’s Warehouse classic. I do not accept.

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Classic Texas Mother of the Bride or gala dress on Reebz. Sparkle and modest. I want something more daring. Yeah that’s right I’m now basically transforming my worst dressed list into bullying people to take more fashion chances. DANCE FOR ME, PUPPETS!

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Again, I’ve seen Jason kill it with cool looks. He wore a pink velvet tux with a matching scrunchie one year. How do you go from that to black on black? Is he mourning his separation still? Wrap it up and start making a fashion splash again, big sexy.

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I don’t know if she was taking inspiration from Tammy Fay for this look but it should be illegal to take inspiration from a woman who tattooed lip liner onto her face. This is all sorts of glimmery garbage. If the store Justice (or Limited Too for all y’all elder millennials like me) made grown up clothes this would be it.

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Excuse me sir, but there is absolutely no excuse to be flashing your pre-pubescent hairless chest on a red carpet. 

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This is a priest robe and I’ll be having none of your blasphemy that she didn’t straight jack this right out of the church wardrobe.

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Our Fredericks of Hollywood 2022 Edition.

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We’ll just go right through the shopping mall lineup cause this is a Party City 99 cent backdrop.

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OoOh, vulvas! FUN!

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Ok hear me out, what if we did bright emerald green which will really pop on the carpet. But we need something else, something that will really make this look stand out. BUCKLES. (this is how I imagine the initial design meeting went for this pukefest of a dress.)

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Red.Dot.Nip.Covers.

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This is bringing a very medieval vibe and no I will never get on board with fingerless gloves no matter how often Paris Hilton tries to shove them down our throats.

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Host 1 of 3 and this outfit is ATROCIOUS. What are we doing with the bows here, squad?! Is this the new loose pieces of hair trend? Anyway, congrats Amy on not only being one of the most famous comedians that everyone RIPS for stealing all of your material but also being the worst dressed Oscar host on a year when they couldn’t pick just one.

 

BEST

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Don’t think bleach blonde goes with this look but we’ll let it slide because this dress fits her like a glove and I’ll always have a boner for a perfectly color coordinated jewel.

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Considering she had to beg for an invite via social media, I’m guessing black was an FU Academy choice but she looks like a dime piece so everyone’s a winner here.

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Even though she’s the matriarch of a pigpen family who never showers, Mila sure knows how to take a whore’s bath and clean UP.

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HELL YEAH WITH THIS AQUA JACKET

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Hot damn, Jennifer Garner is a perfect specimen.

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I don’t think I knew that this awkward bird had a set of drumsticks on her. Who wears short shorts? Bella, where the hell have you been loca?!

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Andrew’s always got a little smoking jacket flava.

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Would.

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Host 2 of 3 also lookin kinda like a televangelist straight out of Righteous Gemstones but it’s working for her.

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Kevin Costner living up to his DILF vibes. 67 years old and still rolling down the red carpet in shades cause the sun never sets on cool.

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This is the true definition of an hourglass figure. Lotta RED HOT looks at the Oscars, pun intended.

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How the hell did Kev bag an invite to the Oscars and the others didn’t?! Lookin sharp though, bud.

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Ariana is straight KILLIN this outfit. Such a close call for best outfit of the night. But she won an Oscar and made history so that’s probably more important to her than getting my highly esteemed fashion stamp of approval.

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Regina rounding out the trio of hosts that couldn’t keep the train on the tracks last night but important to note, the best dressed of the three. This gown is flawless and the color is perfect. Props to you Regina. You may not be funny but you’re well-dressed.

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Don’t know what we owe this pleasure but just grateful as hell that these two kept their tongues in their mouths and look put together. Keep up the good work.

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Gonna be honest I don’t know that I’ve ever seen Kirsten Dunst look good. Does that sound harsh? Sure but remind yourself what blog you’re reading right now. The good news is she looks stunning in this princess gown.

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Rawr.

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Red was the real winner of the night. Knocked it out of the park with this old Hollywood glam.

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Smokin hot and much more approps than the twat twist at the SAG awards.

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10 out of 10 for this rosy sparkle number and Nicky’s pregnancy glow.

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BARBIE PINK REALNESS.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

Zendaya is serving A LOOK here. God I wish I could pull off blue steel without looking like I just drowned my children in the bathtub. She is mean muggin the camera in boardroom on top, beauty pageant on bottom and I am BUYING what she’s SELLING. It’s unique, it’s flattering, and she’s somehow made a waitress white button down crop top elegant?! Magic.

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Red Carpet

SAG Awards Red Carpet 2022

I don’t know what the hell has been going on with Hollywood and awards shows still but we’re going on year 2 of no awards season and what a dry spell it has been for Salty Ju red carpet blogs. Yeah, yeah, I know we’re still in a panny but I also know for a fact that Hollywood is above Covid and always has been. The rules don’t apply to them because they’ve been vaccinated and sang Imagine and write poems for Putin to stop the invasion of the Ukraine. So why is it that we’re having the SAG’s in February, no Grammys at all and the Oscars in March? Winter is depressing enough as is and then you rip away my opportunity to drink and eat cheeses for dinner and judge your fashion choices? Get your shit together, boo boo’s.

WORST

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Andrew is giving off big-time 70’s dad vibes and I get that this is hawt for people these days because Harry Styles exists and girls slobber all over his lesbian in a fitted pant suit vibe and not to knock that  but I’m simply here to say this cheesetastic look is not for me.

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I expected something much more lavish and over the top from Ms Gucci herself. This dress looks fine on her but I’ve never been a fan of the fresh outta the shower wet hair style and white sparkly eye shadow is so 8th grade.

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Nicole Kidman may be smiling and waving here but inside her brain she’s probably thinking about death and destruction which is bringing her joy because she is Wednesday Adams in this dress.

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Speaking of evil, Selena decided to channel Maleficent minus the horns. Seriously look at her face and tell me it is not terrifyingly fierce. Also related but unrelated, puff sleeves need to be eradicated from this earth.

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It’s the arts and crafts neckline and weird butt flap for me. Also is that a built-in open fanny pack in the front? Actually kind of genius for someone like me who misses my mouth 90% of the time while snacking. Could be a good crumb catcher.

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This suit is fine…boring but fine. Ew times 1,000 to this haircut. Boy would clean UP if he got a decent snip and style. Did he stop at SuperCuts on his way to the carpet? If it feels like I’m being extra picky here, please remember that I haven’t had a red carpet to judge since NOVEMBER and my cup is overflowing with fashion snark. The more red carpets I have, the nicer I am and honestly celebrities should factor this into future awards show schedules if they know what’s good for them.

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BLAAAHHHHHHHHH. Supes plain, supes unflattering and might I extend my puffy sleeve moratorium to all puff, everywhere? No one needs puff.

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This dress looks like a cheap prom dress from Weathervane and then adding in lace polka dot gloves and gold platform stripper heels reaaaalllyyyy seals the deal.

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I don’t know when Will Smith stopped being cool in my eyes but at some point it happened and now he just looks like he’s trying to be the Fresh Dad of Sherman Oaks by rolling up in a double breasted suit with blue tinted shades.

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Hot damn, what is happening here?! Did one half of her dress get caught in the limo door and she was just like welp, the show must go on?! It’s like Wonderwoman covered by half of a tablecloth. Sex kitten but add a partial modesty drape.

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WHAT YEAR ARE WE IN?! I mean honestly, I took a nap to Sweet Home Alabama yesterday, which essentially means I slept with it on in the background and dreamed about finding the kind of babe soda who wants to marry me so he can smooch me anytime he wants (but I digress) and this dress could’ve been worn at the premiere for that movie in 2002 and I’d be like yup that checks out. I mean really, a pastel colored sash?! That has early 2000’s fashion all over it. And don’t even get me started on whatever pointy wave thing is happening up top on this lame black strapless shift dress. REESE. I know you’re plain Jane but you can do better than this, babe.

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Oh cool a sparkly garbage bag! Hefty chic, bb! I think that tie artfully draped across your arms is actually to close the top of the bag so your trash doesn’t spill out.

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Honestly if I’m being self-aware I might need a time-out after this blog because I truly put Billy on the worst dressed solely because he’s smirking and I grew to hate his character in The Morning Show over the course of this past season (which should have been nominated for 0.0 awards.) Was it fair of me to say someone was dressed poorly just because the character they played was kinda douchey and his smile looks a little snarky? No absolutely not but it’s my blog not yours so HA. Look at that smug ass face. GET LAWST, BILLY.

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I love a daring fashion moment for the men but this sea of polka dots is making me want to ralph up the three pieces of chocolate I just snuffled down.

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Appreciate the enthusiasm but it looks like a bush is growing out of her lady garden.

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Under no circumstances do you need to layer a long sleeve shirt underneath your couture gown. You’re on a red carpet in California, not skiing with your friends and putting hand warmers in your pocket. Get the hell out of my face with this thermal layering. RUINED the dress.

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The dress looks like a cotton number from Old Navy so I definitely don’t want to know what the designer is hawking this for but most importantly, let’s talk hair chunks. My sister and I were out and about this weekend and apparently I wasn’t paying attention as close as I should’ve been and I missed a prime creature of the wild with this chunks in the face hairstyle. Fear not though, my sister was happy to recreate it for me for some late-night giggles. 

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Who knew she was actually red carpet ready. What’re we doing here, folks?! The most ANNOYING thing is having hair in your face and we’re doing it on purpose now? Just leaving chunks down willy nilly and letting it tickle our eyes and block our vision? FOR WHAT? If you’re ok with hair dangling in your face just because it’s “trendy” now, you are a serial killer.

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We don’t talk about this outfit because it’s making Lin look like a real geekburger, which we all know he is not. I don’t know if it’s the boxy fit or the short kinda baggy pants, the contrasting colors or how he’s posing but it’s a no for me, dawg.

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Ah yes, the ever classic twat twist. Why is THAT where they decided to tie the knot in the dress?! Honestly I’m uncomfy even looking at this photo because this dress is essentially lingerie and Vanessa is really werkin those curves. This photo made me blush. Don’t feel like the SAG awards is the event for this type of hoochie coochie.

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This is downright terrifying. I think the red latex and fur were already a little alarming and then she posed claws out with that fierce look. Whatchu plannin to do with those red daggers, homeslice? Are they red because of the blood you’ve drawn already? Don’t answer that.

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I’m speechless at this rhinestone rack. It’s no secret that I’m a real prude when it comes to red carpet fashion and ya know what, some things are just better left to the imagination. I don’t need to know the circumference of your nips based on the bedazzling that covers them.

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This looks like she got dressed in the dark and pulled her sports bra on over her dress. And yet, this design was made on PURPOSE! How funny is fashion. When I was a teenager and had to go to church every Sunday, I chose the 7:30 AM mass because it had no music so it was a real nice drive thru of QT with G-O-D. Thirty minutes quick and dirty. I rolled out of bed, changed into dress pants, left my pajama top on, put a bra over it and then zipped up a coat and never took my coat off in church. Upon my return, I shed the coat, unsnapped the bra, changed my pants and was back tucked into my bed in record time. Why do I tell this story? Really no reason other than to point out that my dirtbag move every Sunday would’ve passed the Fashion Police test, clearly.

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LeeeaaaVeeeeee someeee Thingzzzz to the ImAgInAtiONnNnnn. I guess Alexandra was going for the “either and” approach to top and bottom slits. (Start at 2:23 in the below clip if you want a visual on what that means.)

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Bead tassels! It looks like it’s raining on her crop top separates! Big ole hoops! How fun and so totally classy! I bet it sounds like a rainstick when she teeters around in those teeny tiny heels.

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Remember in Selena when her dad shits a brick because she’s wearing a bedazzled bra onstage? I’m the dad of Selenasssssssss. This is a brassiere. Also is her hair superglued to the middle of her forehead? LMK.

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Obviously I’ve got real time beef with anyone who showed up dressed like a showgirl because FUR heels is reaallllyyyyy pushing it. I get that the SAG Awards are on TNT/TBS and they used to air them on a Saturday night so pretty much no one cares. BUT also, the SAG’s are about the CRAFT of acting. It’s for all the Hollywood nerdbombers to geek out about how hard acting is and how talented they all are. It’s snot city. So for theses ladies to roll through in outfits from Frederick’s of Hollywood it’s like spitting in the face of the craft. Take yourself WAY too seriously or kick rocks at the SAG’s. Show up in these getups for the Globes and that’s obvious.

 

BEST

 

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Don’t see a lot of pale pink lately and I’m liking the color and the fit of the dress that I’m willing to overlook the GIANT flower accents.

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If I say Maggie looks nice here does that mean she’ll give Taylor Swift her scarf back and stop playing dumb about her brother being the villain of All Too Well? If not, I take it back. I’ll move her to the worst dressed REAL QUICK.

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This is how you crush an “either or” situation. Covered up on the bottom, giving a little peek at the goods on top. Classy all around because it’s a pantsuit. Love the sparkle and respect the fact that she knows how to pull off a pocket pose. Cause I got ONE HAND IN MY POCKET and the other one is waving hi to all the haters.

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No clue who this is but my kneejerk reaction to this look was that it was fun and she was sassin out hoard with that pose. 

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Always a thousand times yes to a charcoal fitted suit on this hunk of man meat.

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As someone who will change the scrunchie on her wrist every time she changes shirts so they coordinate as closely as possible, I very much approve of the patterned hair scarf that syncs up with the pattern on her dress. 

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This is the kind of jacket I’d expect to see at the CMA’s but I love it and he looks spiffy.

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This is a silky animal print combo and yet it doesn’t look like what she wears to bed–see it CAN be done! Faith looks amazing and she knows it.

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Faith way outranked Tim here but you always need a reacher and a settler in a relationship so it’s fine. He doesn’t look BAD, he’s just obviously outkicking his coverage.

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Badass to wear a fishtail braid on a red carpet. I keep saying red carpet but obviously this carpet is like a grey/silver. Let’s overlook this for the sake of my entire blog. Juno is a perfect gold goddess.

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All in for the tie shoulders and the fit of this dress on Sandra even though it gives off some tin foil gum wrapper vibes, I think she’s rocking it.

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I mean it’s Bradley Cooper. He’s always going to wear a plain black tux and look like a handsome devil. Very few fall into this category and I know it’s lazy journalism (lol couldn’t type that with a straight face) to classify the Hollywood OG babes like Bradley, Leo and George as best dressed just because of who they are but it’s not like they look like walking dumpsters, they’re just boring classic guys.

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Michael Keaton’s looking debonair! Almost enough to make up for his incessant need to ramble every time he’s onstage. ALMOST.

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This is the mood we were looking for from Lady Gaga, squad. I wanted an outrageously cocky fashion moment. If you’re gonna star in a movie about a fashion designer/mafia hitman situation, I want you to bring the full drama to the carpet. This is it right here. Shades, velvet bow, the jacket draped on his shoulders. Is that a scrunchie I see on his wrist?! The drama. The intrigue. 

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Ooh baby, Tyler looks suave as hell. This might be my new favorite suit color. A nice solid green.

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Kirsten looks like a spicy tamale in this number and I love this journey for her.

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The silhouette of this dress is stunning and obviously I’m a sucker for the colors. 

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I mean I don’t think Helen Mirren could get any classier if she tried. She looks like she’s going for tea and crumpets at the palace with the Queen right down to her matching mask and clutch. She’s a woman after my own heart with the amount of coordinating she did with her accessories. 

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I know I previously said stop it with the puffs and I did mean that but also Jean does look good in this dress. She’d look even better without the court jester neck ruffle but it’s not a dealbreaker.

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From the clouds, Paul Reiser with a jazzy jacket! Who woulda thunk. Looks sharp AF.

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I love Kieran’s sideways pose here. He looks good and he knows it.

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Talk about Corporate Bros and CE-Hoes’ party! Just kidding. Sorta. She’s really giving off sultry vibes in boardroom chic and another killer pocket pose. I’m here for it!

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Little too much cleavington for me but I can’t drool over a bunch of pantsuits being classy and kewl and then toss Mira on the worst dressed list just because she wanted to pop them disco boobs out for a night on the town. She’s still got it. Her and Lisa proved that no one ages in Hollywood thanks to plastic surgery and made a little Romy and Michele color callback:

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They look like a million bucks, as the inventors of Post-its should.

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Cousin Greg is such a tall drink of water and he sure cleans up nice.

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I love this little cotton candy bunny and I’m going to scream it from the rooftops because I don’t care who knows it. 

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A maroon smoking jacket will get me every time.

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I’ve got a real summer boner for these two back to back pops of color. Although I will say that as great as this dress looks, when she won an award she almost fell out of her chair and dragged it up onstage with her because of that puffy butt situation. Sometimes it pays to keep it simple so you can gracefully glide onstage and accept your award without looking like a bull in a china shop.

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Look at her having a dramatic flip my swishy dress for the paps moment. Supes jelly. I wore a tutu on the beach to pop champagne for paying off my student loans and it would’ve been an ideal moment for a swishy blowing in the breeze carefree pic but the wind was blowing in the wrong direction so my hair was in my face and also I was taking my own photos so MUST BE NICE to have cameras snapping away at you looking like a princess.

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I got a serious case of the giggles as I rolled through 134 red carpet photos and THIS was one of them. I mean, was Chef there to cater the event or was he attending as a nominee/presenter? I’m unclear on what his purpose was there but what I AM clear on is that he showed up ready to sauté some mushrooms should he be called upon to do so. I like the readiness here. Clogs, apron and you know what? maybe toss a hairnet over that Sonic head of yours, Chef, I don’t love a hairy meal. Also where is your spatula?

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Was a REAL close call whether this would be the best look of the night because yellows and golds always crush on a red carpet. Love this color on her and the accents of purple complement it perfectly. 

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This is so dorky grandpa and I happen to love it. His trendy frames matching his bowtie is chef’s kiss.

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Marlee is lookin like a straight dime piece and also happened to clean up awards and make a big statement how it’s deaf actors time to shine finally. She had herself a top night and was certainly dressed for it.

 

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

Now this is a damn statement. Neon and perfectly fitted princess gown, subtle jewels to let the extravagant dress do the talking, pink lips and soft curls. GET IT, QUEEN.

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