Salty Stories

Things I Googled In My 30th Year On This Earth

Proving that you do not get wiser with age, you just learn to trust the internet to be smarter so your brain can hold onto important things like every lyric to an N*SYNC deep cut.

We’re closing in on the first anniversary of my 30th birthday. Please send your condolences in the form of straight cash to my Venmo, homies. (@Julia-Giantomasi) Since last year I dug real deep and got vulnerable with all of my insecurities about aging and accomplishments (Thirty, Flirty & Full of Anxiety.) I thought I would keep the tradish alive and bare my soul again. Everyone knows revealing your search history is more embarrassing than admitting in a public-facing blog how many times you’ve pooped your pants so you can bet your bottom dollar I’ll be ousting last year’s edition. I started this piece during a comedy writing sprint (where you write every single day) in February and when I reviewed it for submission, I realized there was nothing satirical about it. I just straight up copy/pasted my Google searches and then roasted myself for them. So in the spirit of making fun of myself no matter how much closer I get to being an Old Maid, here’s actual things that I Googled this year to prove that we don’t need to grow up or even be smart to survive this thing called life, just as long as we have the World Wide Web at our fingertips.

Name of (insert ‘actor/singer/character/title’ as needed)

This has because almost a daily occurrence. As much as I religiously check IMDB to refresh my memory, it’s hard to admit but sometimes I don’t even remember enough to plug into IMDB and find the answers. But at any rate, about 99.9% of the time I can’t remember the name of something or someone in whatever I’m watching at that current moment and I want to fire off a funny tweet about it but I don’t want to have egg on my face for misspelling or mixing up actors.

Natural ailments for memory loss / How young can you be to start showing signs of dementia

Were you concerned when I just said 99.9% of the time I can’t remember something? Yeah, me too. Hence this very real Google search. Seriously did my brain just fall out of my head when I entered a new decade? Is this normal? Should I get an MRI? LMK, because my mom banned me from checking WebMD and I think this is a cause for concern. Also, if your only recommendation is fish oil pls see yourself out because the thought of taking a pill that either smells or tastes like fish makes me want to be braindead for the rest of my life.

What’s it called when you start to fall asleep and have hallucinations?

Turns out this one is “hypnagogic hallucinations” and the cure for it is to be less stressed. LOLZ. Guess I’ll be seeing bugs in my bed or on my walls as I drift off to dreamland forever and for all of eternity. I even started blind folding myself for bedtime (ya I know they’re called sleep masks but let’s call a spade a spade) and what’s fun about that is I now have a prop to rip off of my face when I wake up with a jolt, launch from my bed and yell, “WTF IS THAT?!” (referring to the made up creatures sharing a bed with me.) At least I provide a midnight show for my dog, so there’s that.

Can you mix Sudafed and alcoholic beverages?

It is not recommended, but research shows (2 sudafeds followed by 2 rum and cokes and a bud light) that you’ll probably survive, you just might feel like a real snoozy suzie at the bar. Probably still safer than the time I took my heels off in the middle of the bar on Halloween then proceeded to walk 5 blocks home barefoot.

Things that are cheugy

Thanks, Gen Z, you’re all a buncha judgmental a*holes. If you are also above the age of 25 and don’t care enough to fire up the ole Google to find out what this means, I’ll give it to you straight, it’s a stupid made up word that the youths created to describe every single trend, personality trait and interest of humans in their late twenties and onward. Parting your hair on the side? Cheugy. Using the crying laughing emoji? Cheugy. My ENTIRE persona? C H E U G Y.

Matching your coordinates to your environment? Cheug City.

What’s a BENNY

Welcome to New Jersey, where they created a nickname specifically to insult anyone who didn’t grow up at the beach. Bayonne, Elizabeth, Newark and New York. Let it be known that Bayonne, Elizabeth and Newark ARE IN THE STATE OF NEW JERSEY. These people bully their own! You live 40 mins North of the beach in the same state? L O S E R. Within one month of living in Jersey, I bought a table off of Facebook marketplace and the seller told me that she’s from North Jersey but has lived at the Jersey Shore for 20 years…TWENTY YEARS…and her husband’s family still calls her a Benny. RUTHLESS.

BENNY with ATTITUDE.

How to make new friends as a single adult

Honestly there were many variations of this search and all of them were equally as weird and sad. No answers were found, yet many cringey efforts were made. 10/10 DO NOT recommend joining BumbleBFF unless you want to feel like you’re courting someone just to have a gal pal to talk Housewives and drink wine with.

How old is someone if they were born in 1970?

The ‘how to make new friends’ search and this search go hand in hand because after joining “meetup”–an app where you can find groups of people also seeking new friends based on your interests, I sashayed into a “Young and Fun in Monmouth County” group. Judging by the title, you’d think it’s a classic group of whippersnappers who are looking to grab drinks and sing karaoke and do game nights, count me in! I RSVP’ed to the new members meet up at a dive bar AND 90’s dance night right off the bat feeling like this was an easy layup for friends. Until I saw the collection of members out in the wild and immediately wondered if there was an age cutoff to “YOUNG and fun.” I doubled back and read the fine print. Members have to be born in 1970 or after. Hence this search because no matter what the decade, math will never be a strong suit of mine. FIFTY TWO. THIS GROUP OF YOUNG AND FUN PEOPLE ALLOWS PEOPLE WHO COULD BE MY PARENTS. NO OFFENSE TO THE OLDS, BUT IF I WANTED TO MAKE SOME FRIENDS IN YOUR AGE GROUP I’D SIT ON A BOARDWALK BENCH IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY AND CHAT UP THE RETIREES THAT ARE SWARMING THE BEACH ON A WEEKDAY ITCHING FOR SOMEONE TO DISCUSS THE WEATHER WITH THEM. I WOULD NOT HIT A DANCE PARTY WITH A GENT WHO COULD BE MY DAD AND FEEL ALL SORTS OF UNCOMFY WATCHING HIM GYRATE TO GOOD VIBRATIONS. So as I previously said, meeting people your age in a new city NOT through work? Insert fart noise here.

Crushed the 90’s dance party wardrobe tho, too bad there was no one young enough to appreciate it without readers

How can you see if someone unfollowed you on Instagram / How can you tell if someone blocked your number

Breakups in 2022, man. So many avenues to contact or check in on each other and since I’m probably still Facebook friends with the kid who bullied me on the bus in 7th grade, I clearly don’t have a grasp on what it looks like to cut anyone from social media. Listen, at the end of the day, anyone who unfollows me on social is missing out on quality content–flowers, beaches, sunrises, and the occasional video shaming my dog for being an uncoordinated doofus. Their loss. Quick PSA though: if you are the dumper and you block the dumpee’s phone number for literally no reason, you are a real flesh dumpster. (Say dump again.) I don’t make the rules, I just enforce them. Who made the rules, you may wonder? Taylor Swift, Queen Bee of breakups, obviously.

Was this just an excuse to post the GOAT of breakup song music videos? YUP.

How do you spell Jake Gylenhall/Gyllenhall/Gylenhaal

And speaking of…honestly couldn’t Taylor have shaded a man with an easier last name to spell? November was FRAUGHT with spell checks on this man’s name. He’s one notch below Matthew McConaghey(sp?) as my most googled name for spellcheck.

@thesaltyju

To ALL of my friends begging me to hang out…I’m booked on Friday night. #redtaylorsversion #swifttok #alltoowell

♬ All Too Well Taylor Swift – TaylorswiftxFolklore

What do you report doctors to when they’re bad?

After seeing a dermatologist who confused me with another patient then proceeded to cut me open and stitch me up with 0 explanation, my shirt pulled up over my head and the door wide open, I was FIRED up to report this doc to the medical version of the Better Business Bureau. Unfortunately if you choose to spend half of your life in school and the other half of your life paying it off, you can pretty much do whatever the hell you want. What a letdown to find out that I couldn’t pull the ultimate Karen and tattle on this doc to the reigning doc association, so instead I used my PHENOMENAL writing skills to blast off a very detailed response to the office’s “how did we do?” survey. Guarantee no one read it, but it made me feel a teensy bit better even if I will forever have a raging scar in the middle of my back from the drive-thru hack job biopsy I received. Whoops, guess I’m still not over it. (Peep a snippet of my scorched earth feedback below)

Boom. Roasted.

Do dolphins rape people?

I actually googled this in 2014 (see tweet below for proof) after visiting a particularly sassy dolphin named Nick at the Clearwater Aquarium. However, I included it in this list because if I hadn’t searched this exact phrase then, I absolutely would’ve this year as I planned my dolphin swim excursion to check it off the ole bucket list. I swam with a female dolphin and she was quite a lovely lady, but I will say out of all the whistles that were blown that day, none of them were rape whistles. So I think we can officially put the rumor that dolphins are feisty rapists to bed once and for all. I cannot vouch for dolphins in the wild so protect your bishop, Glen if you ever find yourself in the open sea.

Everything was consensual here, but tbh I really would’ve appreciated a face smooch. Hand kisses are for prudes.

Iodine smell after Covid

Couldn’t tell you one single thing about iodine except that it’s the word I pulled directly out of my ass after an entire afternoon with a weird chemical smell stuck in my nose a whole 5 months after I had Covid and recovered from it. Google was also like, do you really mean iodine, boo? This one remains a mystery.

Praytell

No explanation and absolutely no memory of this one. Other than using the interwebs as spellcheck sometimes I just pick a random phrase that I don’t really know the definition of or where to use it but I feel like it might work somewhere in my life. I’m assuming this was for a blog but who knows, maybe I was just trying to spice up my everyday conversation vocabulary, I do declare!

What time does the Super Bowl start?

Honestly throwing the super bowl in a day before Valentine’s this year really messed up my internal clock. It’s never that late in the month, right?! Football is stupid. At least I didn’t need to look up anything associated with that Halftime show because it was TAILOR-MADE for my age demo. Make that lineup into a tour and I’d buy tickets faster than an upside down Fiddy can say, “Go Shawty.”

The girls who get it, get it, the girls who don’t, don’t.

Shocking to no one: I don’t. Another stupid Gen Z thing. When will I stop googling young people phrases? WHEN I’M SIX FEET UNDER, TRICK. Seriously, there’s a reason friends and fam text me and ask me what these sorts of things mean. They know I hate having FOMO and have no shame in my Google game. So if you’re ever embarrassed about searching something on your own, just shoot me a textie text. (This also applies to celebrity nudes or sex tapes. Chances are I’ve already done the dirty work to search such smut and I’m happy to share and keep your browser history clean.)

Can I pop the white bump on my eyelid?

At first glance I figured the makeup artist who had a severe issue with gluing my fake lashes on for a wedding this past fall left a glob of glue behind…then three weeks later when it was still lingering on my eye, I was excited to find out if I’d discovered an inconvenient pimple to burst. Seriously, I think I salivated a little at the thought of embarking on new pimple popping real estate on my face. As it turns out, it’s ill-advised to pop and guess what is still living rent-free on my eye 6 months later? THANKS FOR TELLING ME TO LEAVE IT ALONE, MOM, NOW I HAVE PERMANENT CHUNKY EYE.

Can I get pink eye from my dog?

For those of you who have had the pleasure of knowing me for many years, you’ll know that 2018 was the year I couldn’t seem to stop getting pink eye. I’ve been a ferocious eye rubber my whole life (not sorry bout it, my eyes be itchin) and it turns out itchy eyes doesn’t mix well with touching people’s dirty towels at a spa. The summer I worked at the spa I picked up “the pink” twice and then had PTSD for anytime my eyes watered that I had it again and would immediately started splooging cream into my eyeball as a precaution. It also coincidentally was one of the times in my life I was sans health insurance and that goopy eye cream was EXPENSIVE so I really wanted to get my money’s worth. But I digress, back to the real issue here, my dog licks her butthole roughly 900 times a day. I’d say if her tongue isn’t caressing me with sloppy kisses, it’s cleaning out her nether regions. So when a rogue lick caught me in the eye when I wasn’t paying attention, you bet your bottom dollar I was hopping on over to Google in fear. Happy to report dogs cannot pass pink eye but also it is not recommended to let their tongues grace your moneymaker because they carry a whole lot of bacteria. Whatever. Respectfully, I decline. I didn’t get a dog to not get on the ground with her and let her all up in my grillpiece with smooches.

*Also I refuse to reveal everything I’ve googled since procuring the pooch because the limit does not exist to what I won’t ask the Internet. From “what can’t dogs eat” to “why is my dog dipping her paw in the water dish while she’s drinking” to “how do I get my dog to stop biting me” there is not one thing this dog has done that hasn’t been researched. And boy oh boy it’s a slippery slope, you’ll go from thinking you’re a great dog mom who wants to be proactive and knowledgeable to feeling like you traumatized your dog because you pushed her butt into the crate one time. The great news is I’ve had her for almost two months and she’s still alive and thriving so shout out to me for that. I also rescued her from living on the streets with a homeless drifter so I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I’m not NOT saying it either.

Super Tongue Sneak Attack

Bonus: A behind the curtains peek into the Google shitstorm that occurs just to write ONE blog. Here’s my search history from the night I wrote the Met Gala Red Carpet blog:

  • Does gilded mean gold
  • Are flappers in the gilded age
  • Does the gilded age include the 1920s
  • When is mid century
  • Did cars exist in the 1800s
  • The British are coming meme

Honestly I would feel embarrassed about how LITTLE I paid attention in History (Sorry, Mr. Muench) except for the fact that judging by that red carpet no one in Hollywood paid attention either and they pay people to make them look smart and good so, HA. The Salty Ju would not exist without the power of the Internet (both to answer all of my dumb questions and to publish all of my idiotic words) and I wouldn’t have it any other way! Seriously if an apocalypse happened and I didn’t have an iPhone with 5G in my hands at all times, I would die within 5 minutes and I don’t care who knows it. Onto 31–excited to see what another year of a deteriorating brain and body will bring me 🎉

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Red Carpet

Met Gala Red Carpet 2022

We’re back for another rendition of everything that’s douchey about Hollywood. An elite guest list, a theme, and a red carpet for pretty much no reason. IT’S THE MET BALL, BB’s! And this year we’re sWiTcHiNg things up on The Salty Ju. Instead of doing the classic best and worst dressed list, we’re going to stick it to these b*holes who get invited to this EXCLUSIVE red carpet by Anna Wintour herself and show up wearing whatever the F they want. As someone who dresses exceptionally well for a theme, it really grinds my gears when people blatantly disrespect it and decide they’ll look better in their own thing. So this year, we’re rewarding the rule followers, and honestly this was an eye opening experience as I was sorting, to come to the realization that almost NO ONE adheres to miss Anna’s very specific dress code. Between you and me, Ms. Wintour, I’d be doing a personal door check and bouncing anyone who went rogue. Oh, you want free booze and an A-list gift basket? Read the invite and dress appropriately, homeslice. But I digress. According to Vogue, this year’s theme is: “In America: An Anthology of Fashion,” with the dress code being gilded glamour and white tie. Channeling the time period between 1870 to 1890, the event “will ask its attendees to embody the grandeur—and perhaps the dichotomy—of Gilded Age New York.” Let’s rock n roll with these snobby anti-themers.

WHAT IS A THEME?! I’m FAMOUS!

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Kicking things off is Hailey Bieber in the ever popular with her age group, silky slip dress, nips perked. Is she having a very dramatic moment with the feathers and the wind? Sure! Is she on theme? Sure isn’t.

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This fair gent is wearing what looks to be a Goodyear on his head. Cars didn’t exist in the Gilded Age. They were still buggying around with horses and shit. I rest my case.

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Apparently this woman is an actress in the show entitled “The Gilded Age.” It really can’t get anymore straightforward than that. And yet, she interpreted the theme into THIS. Her hair is very on point. Her gold leafy nudity, not so much.

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Dude is so committed to the bit of being a 70’s smooth operator that he spit directly in the face of Anna Wintour by wearing the exact same wrong decade getup that he wore to the Grammys. The disrespect is so real. Take that stupid wig and sing your story walkin, Anderson.

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Oh alright, bud! Head to toe peptol bismol! I guess that’d be approps if you were heading to a medicine cabinet themed party. But alas…

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He gets famous for wetting the bed back in the 90’s, makes a comeback as the snarkiest Roy sibling and now suddenly he’s got a 2 kewl for school attitude? Get lawst.

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I am very perplexed by this getup. It tells about 10 stories in one. Auto shop employee meets mid-century prince dismounting his horse? Did he for reals tuck what looks to be scrubs into riding boots? Don’t answer that. 

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This walking octo-condom did not understand the assignment. 

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This is what KILLS me. She was the leading charge of the Gilded Age last year. Bridgerton was a hit sensation and she was serving all of the pristine looks (save for those horrific micro bangs) and HERE WE ARE. YOU GET PAID TO WEAR THE PERFECT OUTFITS FOR THIS RED CARPET AND YOU JUST WANTED TO LOOK HOT AND SHOW EVERYONE YOUR BOD, ADMIT IT!

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Another common theme I found is that celebrities heard Gilded Age and immediately went, ah yes, Flapper! Cause you know, the 1870-1890 somehow equals 1920. Hand up, I did have to google this because my history knowledge has been edged out by useless pop culture trivia. And apparently the Gilded Age can extend all the way to 1920. So they’re not COMPLETELY wrong. But also, there was a clear time cutoff and it was before the 1900’s, soooo, still no.

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Everyone hates you and showing up off theme and wearing F off shades and telling everyone you’re just here to drink MEANS YOU SHOULD NOT BE THERE. Ugh. Don’t get me started on this asshat.

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Cute! Love the color coordination. But not gilded.

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A sparkly hood! Fun! But off theme AF.

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Another flapper.

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Get it, you flamenco queen, you! (somewhere else because you can’t follow instructions.)

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I’m just gonna wear black and look hot. K, bub.

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Beautiful! A spring dream! For any other red carpet but this one.

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Vanessa Hudgens has been a real sex machine on the red carpet this past year. She’s looking like a hot tamale but I don’t see how lacy nipz would’ve been acceptable at a time when women weren’t allowed to be in a room alone with a man unless they were married. Just a hunch.

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Classic black pantsuit. Totes wouldn’t fly in the corset so tight you can’t sit down days.

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Dakota was clearly like I just want to shimmy my tassels all over the carpet in this cool jumpsuit. Shimmy back to the limo.

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More nips, more black.

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Did Kylie Jenner just invent the type of veil I’ll wear at my wedding should a man ever want to marry a girl who wears a backwards hat at her wedding?! Yeah she really did. Ain’t nothin gilded about that though.

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Oh, uh huh. Yep. Eskimo dominatrix for sure. WHAT DID SHE SEE ON THE INVITE TO INVOKE THIS?!

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I am too stunned to make a comprehensive snarky comment to this. What on God’s Green Gilded Earth are we looking at here?

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Season 2’s Bridgerton darling. Again, babed up a storm during the season, caught herself a foine-ass man with all of her beautifully bright gowns, and felt the need to show us what was hiding underneath those gowns on the red carpet. THE QUEEN WOULD NOT APPROVE.

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Peek-a-Boo! It’s another defying the theme look.

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WE DID GOTH ALREADY, KARLIE.

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Haven’t done dominatrix yet but apparently the Hadid sisters felt that since they’re supermodels, they could just adhere to their own rules.

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No. Just no.

 

The “I’ll just wear gold or silver” Crowd

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Kim bleached her hair and is wearing one of Marilyn Monroe’s dresses. Oh, honey. Please.

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These people aren’t being called out directly because an effort was made. They heard gilded and went literal. And that’s obviously much better than going hot pink tuxedo or plain ole awards gown. So we’re giving them halfsies points. Megan looks fierce as hell in these gilded wings.

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I will not award any points to this Tiger King garbage though. Let me make that clear.

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Disney star who has pretty much no business being there and she wears a gold bra. BOLD.

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We’ve got a Jessica Rabbit in gold moment happening here. Stopping at the choker of cherub wings would’ve been fine.

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I realize I said that we’re giving this group half points but that only applies to the “gilded” looks. Anyone who heard the theme and just chose silver or sparkly doesn’t have a brain and that’s obvious. They are not the same. One is silver and the other’s GOLD.

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Also this is pastel yellow so nice try and IS KRIS JENNER CHANNELING JACKIE O?! What the hell were Kim and Kris going for here?!

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GILDED NIPPLES!

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Those waist training days really paid off for the Kardashian clan! This dress is theme-adjacent and out of their whole goon squad who showed up, Khloe nailed it the best.

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Bonus points for this looking like the most uncomfortable gown on this planet. Just draped in gold chains. We’re getting warmer, folks.

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Lots of regal boob accents at the Met Ball. I imagine double sided tape was working overtime last night. A modern Gilded Age would be AFLUSH with flesh, clearly. (I know, I need to put myself down for a nap.)

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I’ve made this reference recently on a red carpet but when you get a head to toe metallic look, you can’t help but think of Zenon’s #1 popstar crush Prota Zoa. Cole’s got everything but the silver spiky hair. Galaxy theme, bruh.

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Silver flapper with 70’s flair! But not 1800’s Gilded.

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That is a gold-embossed Queen jacket.

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Flap-Flap-FLAPPER

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She looks stunning and the best of all the Gold beauties!

The Girls Who Get It, Get It (CONGRATS TO THESE THEMESTERS)

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Here we are! We’ve made it! We went through nearly 40 blatant theme disrespecters to keep our eye on the prize. Corsets and petticoats and head pieces, oh my! I will say one thing that I know for sure from my vigorous research (binging seasons 1 and 2 of Bridgerton the minute they dropped) nothing screams 1800’s more than knockers literally being pressed up into a woman’s chin. Corsets are great at shutting down that rib cage and creating an unattainable waist to hip ratio, but ALL THAT FLAB GOTTA GO SOMEWHERE AMIRITE?! Did you really tie your midsection so tight you can’t breathe unless your areolas are scraping your eyebrows? No you did not. Well done, Billie.

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Lady Whistledown could’ve served a hell of a more accurate outfit than this but at least she outshined her counterparts. WHERE ARE THE DRAMATIC UPDO CURLS?! And the yellow dress?! I’m guessing she never wants to don another yellow dress for as long as she lives. This is edgy LW.

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I think I’ve just gotten to the point where I see a head piece and I’m like yeah she’s doing it. That’s the theme even though she kinda just looks like Miss Cleo.

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Really didn’t need a full hand pose for his coordinated mani but the double layer jacket has a Prince Charming “may I get a slot on your dance card” babeness to it. Take me for a twirl, Shawn.

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The top of this getup looks like something one would wear to bed in the 1800’s so yeah it counts. Turning it into a crop is SO 2022. God I hate this year. Also not for nothing but is she alive? LMK.

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Good work Ansel, looking like a straight up castle servant.

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CHECK OUT THAT HEADPIECE. That’s it. Nothing about this near cooch slip dress is Gilded. But that frisbee on her head says it all.

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Pretty sure she’d be burned at the stake for wearing this back in the day but I LOVE it. She’s rocking that “The British are Coming” bedazzled coat. 

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Down with this updated flair on the ole classic. We’ve still got full coverage and a corset but we’re having fun with it, ya know?! Lime green heels, jazzy feathers and diamonds, darling. How Parisian of her.

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I think we can all comfortably assume why everyone ignores the theme each year when the host of the damn party barely even follows it. I’ve talked shit on Anna before and I don’t care who knows it. Each year I’ve covered the Met red carpet, I’ve come for Anna. She wears what she wants to wear. Obviously, she’s the top of the chain in fashion…so she can. But don’t throw a theme party every year, make a BFD and then wear the same color palette and style of a dress year after year. TAKE A RISK, ANNA. Technically because she’s wearing a tiara she’s “on theme” but the rest of this is her same old shit. I’m WATCHING YOU ANNA WINTOUR.

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I love that she basically took a nightgown and turned it into a showstopper of a dress just by making it lime green.

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It’s the fan. I’m telling you props are EVERYTHING. Surprisingly Kacey was the only attendee to be tossing that shade around and that would be the very first thing I purchased if I were attending this event. Cool ass fan and cool ass dome piece. Anyway, the rest of this firework situation is giving me very sixties vibes.

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Ok so here’s where I got confused. I saw these next two looks first and immediately assumed the theme was New York City. I guess this falls into the “New York” part of the Gilded Age which no one else seemed to tackle. Alicia Keys with the NY skyline on her cape is such a badass move and I’d be swishing that cape all over the joint.

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My queen. My first girl crush. And I guess Ryan too, whatever. Blake explained the back story to her look and I literally lost track of all the NYC references it has. She’s got the statue of Liberty and Empire State Building and she lost me when she started describing how the number of diamonds in her crown reflected the continents or some shit. Either way, it was obviously very meticulously designed and she looks like Miss New York. I’m obsessed. (This doesn’t take much as she posted a photo of herself wearing overalls a week ago and captioned it “Overall…it was a good day” and I was first and foremost mad at myself for never captioning one of my overall pics with that clever play on words and secondly it further confirmed that she is my soulmate.)

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A wet dream for Carrie Bradshaw, an event where headpieces are the most welcome. Let us all have a moment of silence for the bird from her original wedding where she got abandoned at the altar. Carrie invented fabulous headwear and yes I KNOW that SJP and Carrie aren’t the same person but I’ve been watching a lot of SATC and just let me have this moment, ok? And just like that, I learned, the higher the hat, the closer to the Empire State Building. Ok, I’m done. I’m putting myself in timeout.

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Morticia and Gomez over here are giving me the willies but technically I guess they’re following the rules even though it’s nightmare fuel.

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A table top skirt and bonus points for originality because she’s the only one who tackled a shapely gown. I’m sure she immediately regretted it after reaching the end of the red carpet and not being able to sit down but FASHION IS PAIN.

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This dress is making curtains and tablecloths look chic as hell. 

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If mansion wallpaper were a dress. Love it so much.

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A chair of the evening, and Mister NY himself via Hamilton, Lin played it safe and kept it very on theme with this Gilded formalwear.

 

And that’s all she wrote, folks. No best dressed award of the evening because it’s not a fair fight when 90% of the attendees just pick something out of their closet the day of. Maybe if Anna led by example and we got a little bit more crackdown of outfit judging at the entry points, people would take this seriously. Even though May is the month of ME, I’m willing to take some time off and zip on a train down to the city next year to help out with this. I’ve got a mean resting bitch face and I won’t have any problem telling celebs to march on back to their penthouse and throw on something more appropriate or I’ll take all of the photographers off of the red carpet for them SO HA.

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Pop Culture

An Email to JLo Containing Unsolicited Relationship Advice

Editors Note: After JLo texted me the below video urging me to email her, I wrote this piece and submitted it to a pop culture satire site to be published. They accepted, said they would publish it in about a week. That was over a month ago. In light of the recent updates in JLo’s relashe status, I felt it was necessary to do a scooch of editing and fire it off myself. Cause yeah it’s nice to be validated by outside publishing, but also by the time they post this piece, JLo could be on her 7th engagement so time is clearly of the essence here. ENJOY.

Hey girl,

It’s me, the one (out of thousands) that you text when you’re on a marketing blitz or when you just want to say, “Merry Christmas, Baby” with a sparkle emoji. Recently you texted a video to your inner circle (me) that you want to create a community through email where you share your most personal news that you wouldn’t share on a talk show…#OnTheJLo. Although I feel humbled to be chosen as a part of your inner circle, I also have to be true to our close friendship and keep it 100 with you, like I would any other BFF. Typically when a close gal pal is acting out, I gently keep her in line with a passive aggressive text. If the behavior persists, I’m forced to stop liking her Instagram photos for a week to show that she’s on thin ice in our girl gang. That gets her attention REAL quick. Now that I’m someone you feel like you can confide in, I owe you the same respect. Except something tells me if your glam shot had one less like out of the 1.9 billion, your feathers wouldn’t be ruffled. I guess that means I’ll have to take a more tough love direct approach with you. Sliding right into your Yahoo inbox like the rest of your inner circle does without a doubt.

So I just have one question to start and that question is obviously WHY BEN? BBGurl, you are a QUEEN. You are on top of the world and still crushing it. You’re 52 years old with a body in peak physical condition. Your skin is flawless, your hair is shiny, you’re still touring, churning out bangers AND creating relatable rom coms. It’s like nothing can stop you, except of course, for the 250 pounds of dead weight on your arm with a cig in one hand and a Dunks icey in the other. When you started flaunting your reunion, I entered the first stage of grief and sat in denial that a total boss babe like you would ever take back her sloppy ex-fiancé from almost twenty years ago. I let it slide because nothing will get under a man’s skin more than moving on IMMEDIATELY from a relationship and I knew that ARod must’ve been seething from this revelation. It also seemed super charitable of you. Fake date Ben Affleck fresh off of a breakup and give that sad sack some good publicity after he got dumped by a total hottie and has been in and out of rehab. I thought, good for you Jen! Find a way to write this deed off in your taxes this year. (Do superstars pay taxes? You can get back to me on that.)

Except here we are almost a year later and y’all are still together. Not just still together. Y’ALL ARE NOW ENGAGED. We can no longer brush this off as a publicity stunt. It has now made the full transformation into a good ole fashioned bad decision. And listen booboo, we all make them, especially when it comes to love. Usually, if we make some bad moves in our twenties and thirties, it’s just called growing up. If you’re still making the same mistakes (cough cough 6 engagements) in your forties and fifties, it might be time to get a better therapist, girliecat. I know this may sound harsh but I gotta spill the tea…cuz I’m real—just like you taught me to be in your smash hit with Ja Rule circa 2001. You know what’s also real? The tattoo of a dragon that covers Ben’s *entire* back. Jen. Jenny. JLo. Be honest with yourself. Do you want to wake up 15 years from now spooning a wrinkly golden dragon back while stale cigarette smoke clings to the drapes in your bedroom? I don’t want to put words in your mouth but no you do not.

I’ll level with you here because I don’t want you to think I’m coming strictly from a place of judgment. I’m only coming at you from a place of experience. No, I’m not from the block. And no, I didn’t star in movies with my ex or plan a multi-million dollar wedding at risk of being mobbed by paparazzi. Lastly, I certainly didn’t have an adorable couple name like Bennifer seared into pop culture history. However, I know firsthand what it’s like to keep going back to a real slob kebab of an ex-boyfriend with some questionable ink who didn’t deserve me. I know what it feels like to want the comfort, nostalgia, and chemistry of an old flame. And yeah, it can be distracting when the whole world loses their damn minds because you two are canoodling on a yacht off the coast of Italy just like in the Jenny From the Block music video. But I gotta give you a peek into the future from a gal whose seen this film before and didn’t like the ending—it ain’t your fairytale, homegirl. It ain’t even one of your phenomenal blockbuster chick flicks from the early aughts. Your leading man isn’t Matthew McConaughey in The Wedding Planner. Your leading man is Matthew McConaughey in Magic Mike. He’s seen some shit. He’ll drag you down.

And as you most recently said in your acceptance speech for the iHeartRadio Icon award, “Let me tell you something else, I am just getting started.” YEAH YOU ARE, BABY! Dump that trash into the Boston Harbor like he’s British East India Company tea and take an unburdened strut right toward world domination, you beautiful princess warrior with an ass that won’t quit. GO ON WITH YOUR BAD SELF. You got this. I believe in you. 

Love,

A Concerned Bestie

PS Shoot me a textie whenever you want to take a post-breakup tropical getaway with your inner circle because we all know a green diamond does not a lasting relationship make. I’ll be there with a beach bag packed and a pump it up playlist of your best sassy single jams when it all falls apart. 💋

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Red Carpet

CMT Awards Red Carpet 2022

Alas, an awards show with music I’m actually familiar with and don’t feel too old, washed up or uncool to consume! Can always count on the trusty ole CMT Awards to inject the true spirit of Nashville into our veins with a side of sparkles.

WORST

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Honestly this isn’t the worst but I’m putting them on here out of spite. I get that they’re a group but unless they’re N*SYNC at the VMA’s circa early 2000’s wearing coordinated outfits, they’re ALL SEPARATE PEOPLE AND THEIR OUTFITS SHOULD BE JUDGED AS SUCH. Stop only releasing a foursome photograph from the red carpet. I don’t have time to crop a pic and drop half of them on the worst and half of them on the best. For instance, the left side of this photo (the blondes) would get razzed for the puffy sleeves and Dorothy stripper heels and the what appears to be Jaclyn Smith linen leopard top for middle-aged women. While the right side (the brunettes) would get kudos for looking chic as hell. See? Exhausting. Pose separately next time or you’re getting CUT FROM THE LIST…

FOR-EV-ER.

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Not everyone can pull off the long hair, babes. Clean it up.

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Bold of the guy who made a career off of making fun of other celebrities to show up to a red carpet lookin like ole hipster Indiana Jones headass.

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What in the actual fuck am I looking at here? Riddle me this, on top of the mish mash of fabrics…what’s the point of tucking each pant leg into the cowboy boot differently? Is there really someone who is like WAIT!!! Tuck the black cargo pant in up high so you can see more of the boot and the denim can have a tapered jogger effect right around the ankle. PERFECTION!

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KEWL! A LITE BRITE! How these guys became famous for giving makeovers is beyond me.

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Head to toe this is an outfit straight out of 2009 and it sent a shiver right down my spine. Leggings, pointy pumps, and the big booty big ole chunky belt that serves absolutely no purpose but to give me sweaty flashbacks to a permanent underboob indentation because I pulled that bitch as tight as it would go and slapped it over every piece of clothing I owned.

Boy oh boy do I wish someone would’ve told me to give that black Miss Trunchbell belt a rest that year. (Realistically I bet my sister did a number of times and I just rolled my eyes at her and told her it was fashion and she didn’t understand because she was still wearing men’s clogs from American Eagle with flare jeans on the reg.)

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Jason. Jase. J-Money. You couldn’t have possibly looked at your wife with a straight face and not asked if this was a Halloween costume. WHO THE HELL WEARS THIS IN PUBLIC?! And more importantly, who the hell marries a man who doesn’t tell you when you look ridiculous?! God forbid I ever lock someone down but I’d divorce their ass RULL quick if he looked at me and was like lookin good, babe. Give me a man who laughs directly in my face when I look stupid or give me spinster status. And a SHOULDER BOW?! REALLY? 

PS unrelated but the color of her feet are why spray tans should be illegal. How we as a society have shamed women for using tanning beds but the “healthy” alternative is spraying their bod a different color and making *just* their hands and feet look like they were dipped in chocolate is criminal. IT’S 2022 THERE HAS TO BE A BETTER WAY TO GET BRONZED.

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(Forever bringing everything back to me) I’ve gotten like 3 spray tans in my life and I still haven’t figured out how to prevent this mildly offensive black face*

*hand. 

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Love Ryan’s pink suit…goes without saying that I hate Maren’s outfit. Have I had a grudge against her pretty much ever since she hit the scene and strutted all over Keith Urban’s stage in hot pants? Sure have. But even I can be a bigger person from time to time and admit when she’s killin a look. Unfortch, this doesn’t occur often. If this skirt wasn’t basically a mermaid tail, I’d be ok with this look.

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Keep your enemies back to back on the worst dressed list is what I always say. Miranda’s been dead to me since she left Blake and started homewreckin all over the joint. Can’t stan a country music hooch and errebody knows it. And coincidentally, hooch pretty much sums up this dress for me.

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WHOA BABY my eyes have been assaulted by each half of this coups. Guess that means these two are soulmates in tacky fash? Typically I’d be razzle dazzled by this sparkle suit but I am DROWNING in his chest hair. Never have I ever wanted to see chest pubez porking out of a wife beater on a red carpet. And the gold chain. What are you in Goodfellas? When you’re done gasping at the goomba on the left, rollerskate on over to Miss 70’s velour leisure suit on the right. My lanta it’s BAD.

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CMT Awards or Middle School Dance? What fresh hell is this loofah madness with neon plastic jewelry most certainly from Claire’s?!

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The scrunchie high pony is the best part about this booger suit.

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Let’s just allow this unflattering as hell denim dress speak for itself. And I’ll speak for it as well because I just can’t help myself: DENIM IS UNFORGIVING AND SHOULD NEVER BE A SKINTIGHT DRESS. And rhinestone denim boots…those really do speak for themselves.

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Nothing says Nash Vegas like a poop-colored gown and 10 gallon hat. Pray tell, are those supposed to be spurs on her metallic heels?

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I don’t know that I’ll ever get on board with this sheer curtain dealio. Sorry for being a prude but it looks like a nightie that you wear on your wedding night when you lose your virginity as we ladies do (wink.)

BEST

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RAWR. Carrie combined my favorite color and my favorite animal print so she’s good in my book, y’all. (If you look close, I believe she also perfectly coordinated her mani and I damn near almost fainted at that discovery. Truly a girl after my own heart.)

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Having a hard time understanding how the chick who was Covid Positive and hosted via teleconference from her home got a red carpet pic and looks this snatched. (Did I use that term right, youths?) It’s like Jesus resurrecting. Kelsea’s like SURPRISE Y’ALL, COVID-who!? And then apparently went right back to her home where she mailed in her duties from the comfort of her living room.

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Can’t go wrong with classic black/silver and a wife half your age. ZING.

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Taylor looks sauve AF, could take or leave the lava lamp disco ball on his arm.

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I love the shit out of Wynonna taking a backseat to her flashy as hell mom. Also the fact that I had to google if that was her sister or her mom because **plastic surgery**.

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The suit he wore onstage was 100x cooler IMO but I guess he decided to play it safe for the carpet. It’s a classic but I wish he went with this bold patriotic zoot suit for the carpet as well:

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Elegance and class from head to toe! I love everything about this.

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Diggity down for the pop of red.

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His signature plain baseball cap to hide the baldz and is that a fire flames coat?! I approve.

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Brownie points for an eggplant suit but honestly I’ve never seen a worse host. I realize he stepped in to cover for Kelsea but my lord what a monotone voice on this fella. Let’s only give him a mic if he’s gonna sing into it from now on, mmk?

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What a wittle teddy bear of a babe soda. A perfect combo of casj & fance.

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I’ve always been on the outskirts of the Carly Pearce fandom. I followed her hasty union with Michael Ray and abrupt divorce soon after but after seeing her SASS on all over the stage singing a song about how she’s keeping the diamond after a breakup I wanted to shout YAS KWEEN into a megaphone. The drama she delivered should have Michael Ray shakin in his boots. Also she looks like a bombshell. This is Carly’s year. Get it gurl.

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That jacket is cool as cool gets. PULLING IT OFF.

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I saw Breland live and he’s the cutest little ray of sunshine I’ve ever laid eyes on. He’s just happy to be here and I dig that energy. Even dressed as an asparagus I can’t throw shade at him. Look at that megawatt smile.

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I cannot get past JJD’s legs. Like I honestly don’t even really love the dress but my jaw is permanently on my living room carpet from these damn stems giving Carrie a run for her money.

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I always love a fun dazzling party frock. The dubz peace sign can kick rocks.

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Nelly’s been dressing like a G-D goon since the dawn of time. If it ain’t broke don’t fix it, country grammar. I’m mostly just impressed by how strong a neck he must have to carry that pendant that’s probably equivalent to wearing a dumbbell on a chain. (If this was Ludacris I could quote my fave lyric of all time “feels like a midget is hanging from my necklace.” But I don’t want to disrespect Luda by hinting that the man can be outshined by a reckless medallion.)

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

GOES TO A COUPLE! The subtle spring color coordination between these two made me gasp. They are perfect little preppy angels and Lauren’s fresh glow didn’t come from Zoom Tan so bonus points for that. I mean that mint jacket and her mint heels. WOO BABY. We really need spring to get here quick, I’m getting a head rush just from some florals and pastels.

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Red Carpet

Grammys Red Carpet 2022

WOWOWOW b2b awards shows what a treat for us all! Unfortunately no one was bitch slapped at this one, but you can’t win em all. If you had bets on how soon the slap was addressed, you CAN win them all because it only took 21 mins for a “stay in your seats” joke. God love awards shows and their low hanging fruit comedy. Now onto my low hanging fruit of jabs about the fabrics everyone chose to adorn themselves in.

WORST.

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Am I being punk’d? Where’s Ashton? Since when is playing dress-up in Shaq’s suit paired with LITERAL moon boots, FASHION?! Tossing the hot pink beanie and Men in Black shades on top of that are really just the sprinkles on this cupcake of a shithole outfit. Hailey, you’re good. Justin, see yourself out.

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Oh, no bbgurl. Mixed media with the exotic prints? Everyone knows the steadfast rule…pick ONE zoo animal to rep on the red carpet. And HIP gems?! Uh-uh.

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Not only is this look terrifying but I watched 2 minutes of the E red carpet and those whole two minutes consisted of Laverne saying “you are amazing” to Avril Lavigne on repeat like a robot that’s malfunctioning. I cringed all the way out of my skin. Can we PLEASE start doing tryouts for red carpets cause not everyone has the skills to quickly converse with a celeb, get a juicy lil soundbyte then wrap it up and toss it to someone else. “Hey Avril, great to see you, what do you think about the urban legend that you died 10 years ago and someone has been impersonating you? Are you the real Avril? Prove it.  Ok well then who are you wearing? You look fabulous, have a great night, back to you, Ryan!” BOOM. THAT IS HOW IT’S DONE. (For the right price I can be available, E!) My God these red carpets have gotten embarrassingly bad. 

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Hey, is this the Grammy’s? Am I in the right place? Yeah I was invited, here’s my invite, it was hanging on my fridge, good thing I remembered to grab it before I came. Anyway, where’d you guys park?!

PS Little Bites confetti flavor slap THE hardest.

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I’m sorry sir but are those CARGO pants?! Slap an Old Navy tech vest on with those bad boys and you’re ready to use that ample pocket room to store dino-shaped nuggs for a convenient snackie.

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Zenon girl of the 21st century when did you get here?! To be clear Zenon never would’ve been allowed to wear a see through dress featuring mint undies, she was barely even allowed to see Proto Zoa in concert. This caption will only be funny to my fellow elder millennials. Everyone else, invest some time in the Disney Channel Original Movies of the early aughts, they were the peak of entertainment. We Don’t Talk About Bruno could NEVER compare to Zoom Zoom Zoom, make my heart go Boom Boom Boom.

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Is Shaggy one-strapping his backpack on the way to Econ? If those glasses are telling us anything it’s that he does his homework every night. NERD. I razz hoard but I’m truly baffled by the casj approach that the men of the Grammys have taken. It’s literally like someone rolled a red carpet down the middle of a college campus. 

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This is a Carmen Sandiego look I CANNOT get behind. HOW BIG IS THAT HAT?! What are you, Turd Ferguson?

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Oh My Lanta! Pray for whoever had to sit beside (or directly next to) Elle. Or honestly even up in the nosebleeds. I think this hat had real estate all the way down the Las Vegas Strip.

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Speaking of Turd…Lotta poop colors in this dress and matching the heels to these poopy tones sent me right over the edge, tbh.

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There are SO many things happening here I don’t even know where to start. We’ve got a longsleeve layered under a kimono and y’all KNOW how much I hate a longsleeve underneath. It was forced upon me WAY too many times in elementary or middle school when I really wanted to wear a killer graphic tee but true to Central New York weather, it was 40 degrees in May. So yeah forgive me for being a little triggered by the bi-layer. Then we’ve got the chunky under-boob belt. Another trend that should’ve been set ablaze as it was happening. Finally, I’d be remiss not to mention the drawstring curtain ruched sleeves. I wish we could close the sleeves on this whole outfit. ZING. (I know that joke stinks. Guess who doesn’t care? THIS GAL.)

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Oh no, oh no, oh no no no (plz sing in annoying TikTok voice) Maren will never quit with the check out my goodies looks at awards shows. I don’t need to see your lace bra to know you’re hot. This outfit is white trash as hell. SNAKESKIN AND YOUR BRA ON DISPLAY?! Mind’s well have a pack of Marlboros tucked in that bralette. (Sure did google the phrase “White trash cigarette brand” for this on point caption. If you could only see the kind of shit I google when I’m blogging. I’d be Will Smith cancelled* for SURE.)

*For those of you that are unclear: “Will Smith Cancelled” means everyone would be outraged and annoyed at me for a couple of weeks, I’d issue a few generic notes app apologies on how I’m always improving and it’ll be back to business as usual in about a month.*

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Cooch. Hoo-ha. Flower. Twat. Penis Fly Trap. Whichever way you spin it, this dress is giving me total snatch vibes.

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I think we addressed this on the last red carpet blog but I obviously never got a response…what’s with the wiener flap? This one is extra long too…you know what that means! Just kidding, I don’t. What does it mean?

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WTF IS GOING ON WITH BILLIE’S NEW AESTHETIC?! Is she just log-rolling down a banquet table and tying a belt around whatever tablecloth fabric she collects along the way?

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No one can genuinely look at this outfit and not question if it’s a gag. It’s like a Blades of Glory ice dancer routine getup and is that her undies I see too?! Ladies, why would ANY of you want a sheer undercarriage moment?!

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I’m so beyond sick of these two and their stupid coordinated emo looks and their stupid slobbery tongue touching red carpet photos that I questioned whether I should even include them. And ultimately I did to serve as a PSA that we all need to stop trying to make small sunglasses happen. THEY’RE NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. My sister owned a pair of white sunglasses that swallowed half of her face at the time when Paris, Lindsay and Britney were wreaking havoc on the Beverly Hills Hotel bungalows and honestly I’d rather wear THOSE every day for the rest of my life than ever wear these tiny black shades that the Kardashian’s won’t quit.

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Giant bow. I rest my case. 

 

BEST.

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I’ve seen enough to know that we’re #blessed Lil Nas X didn’t show up in something more statement-making. Or you know, as a nude pregnant man. The pearls are v. wholesome.

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This is sleek and chic as hell.

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Gaga is the only celeb who can reinvent herself anytime she damn well pleases. Switching into her jazz/swing mode, Gagz showed up looking like an old classic Hollywood babe and gave us a world class tribute to her bestie Tony Bennett.

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Probably unpopular opinion but I love this. Lil Easter Peep of a host.

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Chels looks great and there’s not a doubt in my mind that Jo has lifts in his shoes to be taller than his girlfriend because I’d bet you double or nothing he’s a short king. PS I know this is splitting hairs but I’ll never be ok with men raw-dogging their dress shoes. Put a pair of socks on, you animal.

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Shocking absolutely everyone who knows me, I’m very into this Lloyd and Harry inspired matching suit look. As someone who went 30 years without ever setting eyes on the oft-quoted by frat boys lacking an intelligent sense of humor flick (Dumb and Dumber), I finally caved at the start of 2022 and watched it in full. And I’m happy to report I was right all along and I was missing absolutely nothing by refusing to see the movie for my entire life because I didn’t think it would be funny. It was not funny. “Our pets heads are falling off” is funnier when other people quote it than it was in the movie. The point of that tangent was to say that each bit from that movie is funnier when you see it done randomly out of context and wearing pastel double breasted suits to the Grammys with your fiance is 10/10 and they are PULLING IT OFF.

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Barbie: Grammy Edition. On POINT.

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Alright here’s the deal, I ripped Elle King for looking like Carmen Sandiego and then not 5 seconds later I saw Halsey and was like omg Carmen Sandiego, we stan. Does it make sense? Not really, but the conclusion I’ve come to is this: hat size is KEY in making something clown or cool. Elle is knocking out unsuspecting victims down in Texas with her wide brim, whereas Halsey’s dome piece almost needs a double take. Like oh, what’s that on her head, is that a hat?! The tilt is also a factor here. Tilt anything and it’s instantly chic. Plus she’s not in Ronald McDonald red. A subdued burgundy and tilted hat, CHEF’s kiss. Sorry, Elle. Dem’s da breaks.

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Paris is Paris and we’re always going to get sparkles and fingerless gloves. If it ain’t broke don’t fix it.

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I’ve flip-flopped a couple of times while looking at this one but ultimately I’m giving her the green light (wink.) It’s like the t-shirt you buy in any shore town with the bikini bod, but make it red carpet ready. Bold & sexy choice for someone who knows she’s about to sweep every category she’s nominated in. 

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TiffTiff’s been giving us the razzle dazzle lately (these past two weeks) and I love it.

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Um, I’m sorry but did Donatella Versace get inspiration from the Lizzie McGuire Movie?! It wouldn’t be completely outlandish as Isabella IS an Italian pop star. The minute I saw this asparagus from head to toe, HEY NOW, HEY NOOOOOWWWW rang through my brain. Seems like even ole leather face has to turn to the greats for fashion advice from time to time. 

Isabella

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I wonder if Rachel actually got invited to the Grammys or if Twitter had to get her invited. Either way, she looks bomb.

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I’m turning a blind eye to the GIANT hideous butt bow because I love the bubblegum pink latex. It has taken me quite a while to warm up to latex because as with everything in life, Kim Kardashian shoved it down our throats and it made me hate the shit out of it. But this is fun and youthful and adorable and therefore I’m on board.

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Lenny Kravitz is dripping sex, drugs and rock n roll in this outfit and I can’t even explain why. He just is. 

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Sometimes Brandi goes a little TOO western and it’s like ok we get it, you’re one step away from having a piece of hay hanging out of your boca. But credit where credit is due, she’s werkin this bedazzled suit.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

I mean, Carrie is having a moment here and you can’t really deny it. No other looks from the red carpet slapped you RIGHT IN THE FACE like this one did. Even thought I’ve been off the Carrie-wagon ever since her dramatics around her face injury, she’s serving a whole goldilocks princess look here and y’all better recognize.

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Oscars Red Carpet 2022

We take what we can get for awards season now…this cold hard truth not only applies to the drought of red carpets nowadays but also the three raggedy ass hosts they cobbled together for this awards show. One, that I might add, operated perfectly fine without a host at all in previous years and no one even missed irrelevant comedians telling the obvious ‘Leonardo Dicaprio only dates younger’ jokes and terribly unfunny bits. And even though the job has been done by one or sometimes none, we had three women last night trying to entertain us and make us laugh and the show was painfully boring up until Will Smith cold cocked Chris Rock for making a joke about his wife being GI Jane (she is bald due to alopecia.) I only know that this happened because of Twitter. ABC cut the whole thing then everyone went ahead and kept it moving like dad didn’t just hit mom at the dinner table. Nothin like covering up a physical fight on live TV! But don’t worry, whoever Will Smith blew at the network continued to cover his ass when he accepted an award later on and proceeded to blubber onstage about protecting his family and the things we do for love. He got a REAL nice edit as we basically watched a screensaver instead of him snotting up all the boogs in a tight closeup. They also allowed him to basically word vomit and slobber for as long as he pleased without playing him off. So here’s the deal…if we’re going to be deprived of awards shows, the few that we get better have as much drama as an episode of Below Deck and the next time a network tries to cut out and cover it up, heads are gonna roll. GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT. Anyway, here’s how everyone dressed for the celebrity smackdown of ’22.

WORST.

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It’s the puffy sleeves and black lace gloves for me. Also sweet black briefs.

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Did she for realsies tie the top of her dress like it’s a dog poop bag full of turds?

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WHAT IN THE GOTHIC HELL IS THIS, MAGGIE?! Magpie played it real safe at the SAG’s only to show up at the biggest red carpet stage with hieroglyphics pinned all over her damn body.

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We are an excited wave away from those knockers bustin through for a meet and greet.

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I very much love Billie’s hair. Neon green should never be a color choice for luscious locks and I’m so glad she’s gotten herself out of that alien silk jammies and two-toned hair phase. hOwEvEr…wrapping yourself in a table skirt is no bueno. We’ve still got some work to do hun-nay.

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BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Mr. Superior Thinkin over here had the AUDACITY to grace a red carpet after he was dragged for 10 whole minutes in November and never even acknowledged it?! GET. LAAAAWWWWST. You think you’re too cool for the Oscars? You don’t need to dress up? Just go casj because you grew up in a silver spoon gated community? Those shoes organic? Boy, bye.

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I mean we get it, Megan, you got a body that won’t quit. But I’d still like to see you in something that’s doing a lot less. You can still show off those stemz of yours tastefully.

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These two make my eyes roll out of my head and down the street. I’m sick of them. I want them to go away for a little while and that was true BEFORE Will just casually popped off at Chris Rock for seemingly no reason (still waiting for a playback on that one…we watch paint dry for 2.5 hours and they cut the juiciest moment. Buncha squares over at ABC.) Regardless, shout out to my girl Kat for giving me the perfect summary of Jada’s dress: looks like she’s covered in green trash bags. I hope now that this press tour for Will’s movie is over, these two will moonwalk into oblivion and give us all a break.

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Shweet plaid bow tie, Penelope. SOUND fashion decision. 

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DIE AWAY FROM ME, PEPLUM. I don’t even really know if this falls under the peplum category kinda looks like she’s got an inner tube around her waist but whatever you wanna call it, it sucks.

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Well the good news is if your hands get chilly you can just shove them into your seashell pockets.

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Someone please explain this wiener cover in the form of a fancy dinner napkin. What is the purpose of this? I NEED TO KNOW.

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I gotta believe cool guy snowboarder Shaun White has more potential than a plain black tux. Really could’ve wowed us here, maybe even done a bold funky USA suit since it was his last hurrah at the Olympics and he gives us Men’s Warehouse classic. I do not accept.

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Classic Texas Mother of the Bride or gala dress on Reebz. Sparkle and modest. I want something more daring. Yeah that’s right I’m now basically transforming my worst dressed list into bullying people to take more fashion chances. DANCE FOR ME, PUPPETS!

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Again, I’ve seen Jason kill it with cool looks. He wore a pink velvet tux with a matching scrunchie one year. How do you go from that to black on black? Is he mourning his separation still? Wrap it up and start making a fashion splash again, big sexy.

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I don’t know if she was taking inspiration from Tammy Fay for this look but it should be illegal to take inspiration from a woman who tattooed lip liner onto her face. This is all sorts of glimmery garbage. If the store Justice (or Limited Too for all y’all elder millennials like me) made grown up clothes this would be it.

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Excuse me sir, but there is absolutely no excuse to be flashing your pre-pubescent hairless chest on a red carpet. 

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This is a priest robe and I’ll be having none of your blasphemy that she didn’t straight jack this right out of the church wardrobe.

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Our Fredericks of Hollywood 2022 Edition.

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We’ll just go right through the shopping mall lineup cause this is a Party City 99 cent backdrop.

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OoOh, vulvas! FUN!

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Ok hear me out, what if we did bright emerald green which will really pop on the carpet. But we need something else, something that will really make this look stand out. BUCKLES. (this is how I imagine the initial design meeting went for this pukefest of a dress.)

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Red.Dot.Nip.Covers.

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This is bringing a very medieval vibe and no I will never get on board with fingerless gloves no matter how often Paris Hilton tries to shove them down our throats.

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Host 1 of 3 and this outfit is ATROCIOUS. What are we doing with the bows here, squad?! Is this the new loose pieces of hair trend? Anyway, congrats Amy on not only being one of the most famous comedians that everyone RIPS for stealing all of your material but also being the worst dressed Oscar host on a year when they couldn’t pick just one.

 

BEST

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Don’t think bleach blonde goes with this look but we’ll let it slide because this dress fits her like a glove and I’ll always have a boner for a perfectly color coordinated jewel.

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Considering she had to beg for an invite via social media, I’m guessing black was an FU Academy choice but she looks like a dime piece so everyone’s a winner here.

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Even though she’s the matriarch of a pigpen family who never showers, Mila sure knows how to take a whore’s bath and clean UP.

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HELL YEAH WITH THIS AQUA JACKET

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Hot damn, Jennifer Garner is a perfect specimen.

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I don’t think I knew that this awkward bird had a set of drumsticks on her. Who wears short shorts? Bella, where the hell have you been loca?!

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Andrew’s always got a little smoking jacket flava.

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Would.

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Host 2 of 3 also lookin kinda like a televangelist straight out of Righteous Gemstones but it’s working for her.

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Kevin Costner living up to his DILF vibes. 67 years old and still rolling down the red carpet in shades cause the sun never sets on cool.

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This is the true definition of an hourglass figure. Lotta RED HOT looks at the Oscars, pun intended.

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How the hell did Kev bag an invite to the Oscars and the others didn’t?! Lookin sharp though, bud.

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Ariana is straight KILLIN this outfit. Such a close call for best outfit of the night. But she won an Oscar and made history so that’s probably more important to her than getting my highly esteemed fashion stamp of approval.

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Regina rounding out the trio of hosts that couldn’t keep the train on the tracks last night but important to note, the best dressed of the three. This gown is flawless and the color is perfect. Props to you Regina. You may not be funny but you’re well-dressed.

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Don’t know what we owe this pleasure but just grateful as hell that these two kept their tongues in their mouths and look put together. Keep up the good work.

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Gonna be honest I don’t know that I’ve ever seen Kirsten Dunst look good. Does that sound harsh? Sure but remind yourself what blog you’re reading right now. The good news is she looks stunning in this princess gown.

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Rawr.

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Red was the real winner of the night. Knocked it out of the park with this old Hollywood glam.

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Smokin hot and much more approps than the twat twist at the SAG awards.

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10 out of 10 for this rosy sparkle number and Nicky’s pregnancy glow.

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BARBIE PINK REALNESS.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

Zendaya is serving A LOOK here. God I wish I could pull off blue steel without looking like I just drowned my children in the bathtub. She is mean muggin the camera in boardroom on top, beauty pageant on bottom and I am BUYING what she’s SELLING. It’s unique, it’s flattering, and she’s somehow made a waitress white button down crop top elegant?! Magic.

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SAG Awards Red Carpet 2022

I don’t know what the hell has been going on with Hollywood and awards shows still but we’re going on year 2 of no awards season and what a dry spell it has been for Salty Ju red carpet blogs. Yeah, yeah, I know we’re still in a panny but I also know for a fact that Hollywood is above Covid and always has been. The rules don’t apply to them because they’ve been vaccinated and sang Imagine and write poems for Putin to stop the invasion of the Ukraine. So why is it that we’re having the SAG’s in February, no Grammys at all and the Oscars in March? Winter is depressing enough as is and then you rip away my opportunity to drink and eat cheeses for dinner and judge your fashion choices? Get your shit together, boo boo’s.

WORST

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Andrew is giving off big-time 70’s dad vibes and I get that this is hawt for people these days because Harry Styles exists and girls slobber all over his lesbian in a fitted pant suit vibe and not to knock that  but I’m simply here to say this cheesetastic look is not for me.

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I expected something much more lavish and over the top from Ms Gucci herself. This dress looks fine on her but I’ve never been a fan of the fresh outta the shower wet hair style and white sparkly eye shadow is so 8th grade.

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Nicole Kidman may be smiling and waving here but inside her brain she’s probably thinking about death and destruction which is bringing her joy because she is Wednesday Adams in this dress.

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Speaking of evil, Selena decided to channel Maleficent minus the horns. Seriously look at her face and tell me it is not terrifyingly fierce. Also related but unrelated, puff sleeves need to be eradicated from this earth.

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It’s the arts and crafts neckline and weird butt flap for me. Also is that a built-in open fanny pack in the front? Actually kind of genius for someone like me who misses my mouth 90% of the time while snacking. Could be a good crumb catcher.

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This suit is fine…boring but fine. Ew times 1,000 to this haircut. Boy would clean UP if he got a decent snip and style. Did he stop at SuperCuts on his way to the carpet? If it feels like I’m being extra picky here, please remember that I haven’t had a red carpet to judge since NOVEMBER and my cup is overflowing with fashion snark. The more red carpets I have, the nicer I am and honestly celebrities should factor this into future awards show schedules if they know what’s good for them.

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BLAAAHHHHHHHHH. Supes plain, supes unflattering and might I extend my puffy sleeve moratorium to all puff, everywhere? No one needs puff.

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This dress looks like a cheap prom dress from Weathervane and then adding in lace polka dot gloves and gold platform stripper heels reaaaalllyyyy seals the deal.

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I don’t know when Will Smith stopped being cool in my eyes but at some point it happened and now he just looks like he’s trying to be the Fresh Dad of Sherman Oaks by rolling up in a double breasted suit with blue tinted shades.

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Hot damn, what is happening here?! Did one half of her dress get caught in the limo door and she was just like welp, the show must go on?! It’s like Wonderwoman covered by half of a tablecloth. Sex kitten but add a partial modesty drape.

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WHAT YEAR ARE WE IN?! I mean honestly, I took a nap to Sweet Home Alabama yesterday, which essentially means I slept with it on in the background and dreamed about finding the kind of babe soda who wants to marry me so he can smooch me anytime he wants (but I digress) and this dress could’ve been worn at the premiere for that movie in 2002 and I’d be like yup that checks out. I mean really, a pastel colored sash?! That has early 2000’s fashion all over it. And don’t even get me started on whatever pointy wave thing is happening up top on this lame black strapless shift dress. REESE. I know you’re plain Jane but you can do better than this, babe.

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Oh cool a sparkly garbage bag! Hefty chic, bb! I think that tie artfully draped across your arms is actually to close the top of the bag so your trash doesn’t spill out.

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Honestly if I’m being self-aware I might need a time-out after this blog because I truly put Billy on the worst dressed solely because he’s smirking and I grew to hate his character in The Morning Show over the course of this past season (which should have been nominated for 0.0 awards.) Was it fair of me to say someone was dressed poorly just because the character they played was kinda douchey and his smile looks a little snarky? No absolutely not but it’s my blog not yours so HA. Look at that smug ass face. GET LAWST, BILLY.

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I love a daring fashion moment for the men but this sea of polka dots is making me want to ralph up the three pieces of chocolate I just snuffled down.

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Appreciate the enthusiasm but it looks like a bush is growing out of her lady garden.

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Under no circumstances do you need to layer a long sleeve shirt underneath your couture gown. You’re on a red carpet in California, not skiing with your friends and putting hand warmers in your pocket. Get the hell out of my face with this thermal layering. RUINED the dress.

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The dress looks like a cotton number from Old Navy so I definitely don’t want to know what the designer is hawking this for but most importantly, let’s talk hair chunks. My sister and I were out and about this weekend and apparently I wasn’t paying attention as close as I should’ve been and I missed a prime creature of the wild with this chunks in the face hairstyle. Fear not though, my sister was happy to recreate it for me for some late-night giggles. 

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Who knew she was actually red carpet ready. What’re we doing here, folks?! The most ANNOYING thing is having hair in your face and we’re doing it on purpose now? Just leaving chunks down willy nilly and letting it tickle our eyes and block our vision? FOR WHAT? If you’re ok with hair dangling in your face just because it’s “trendy” now, you are a serial killer.

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We don’t talk about this outfit because it’s making Lin look like a real geekburger, which we all know he is not. I don’t know if it’s the boxy fit or the short kinda baggy pants, the contrasting colors or how he’s posing but it’s a no for me, dawg.

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Ah yes, the ever classic twat twist. Why is THAT where they decided to tie the knot in the dress?! Honestly I’m uncomfy even looking at this photo because this dress is essentially lingerie and Vanessa is really werkin those curves. This photo made me blush. Don’t feel like the SAG awards is the event for this type of hoochie coochie.

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This is downright terrifying. I think the red latex and fur were already a little alarming and then she posed claws out with that fierce look. Whatchu plannin to do with those red daggers, homeslice? Are they red because of the blood you’ve drawn already? Don’t answer that.

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I’m speechless at this rhinestone rack. It’s no secret that I’m a real prude when it comes to red carpet fashion and ya know what, some things are just better left to the imagination. I don’t need to know the circumference of your nips based on the bedazzling that covers them.

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This looks like she got dressed in the dark and pulled her sports bra on over her dress. And yet, this design was made on PURPOSE! How funny is fashion. When I was a teenager and had to go to church every Sunday, I chose the 7:30 AM mass because it had no music so it was a real nice drive thru of QT with G-O-D. Thirty minutes quick and dirty. I rolled out of bed, changed into dress pants, left my pajama top on, put a bra over it and then zipped up a coat and never took my coat off in church. Upon my return, I shed the coat, unsnapped the bra, changed my pants and was back tucked into my bed in record time. Why do I tell this story? Really no reason other than to point out that my dirtbag move every Sunday would’ve passed the Fashion Police test, clearly.

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LeeeaaaVeeeeee someeee Thingzzzz to the ImAgInAtiONnNnnn. I guess Alexandra was going for the “either and” approach to top and bottom slits. (Start at 2:23 in the below clip if you want a visual on what that means.)

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Bead tassels! It looks like it’s raining on her crop top separates! Big ole hoops! How fun and so totally classy! I bet it sounds like a rainstick when she teeters around in those teeny tiny heels.

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Remember in Selena when her dad shits a brick because she’s wearing a bedazzled bra onstage? I’m the dad of Selenasssssssss. This is a brassiere. Also is her hair superglued to the middle of her forehead? LMK.

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Obviously I’ve got real time beef with anyone who showed up dressed like a showgirl because FUR heels is reaallllyyyyy pushing it. I get that the SAG Awards are on TNT/TBS and they used to air them on a Saturday night so pretty much no one cares. BUT also, the SAG’s are about the CRAFT of acting. It’s for all the Hollywood nerdbombers to geek out about how hard acting is and how talented they all are. It’s snot city. So for theses ladies to roll through in outfits from Frederick’s of Hollywood it’s like spitting in the face of the craft. Take yourself WAY too seriously or kick rocks at the SAG’s. Show up in these getups for the Globes and that’s obvious.

 

BEST

 

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Don’t see a lot of pale pink lately and I’m liking the color and the fit of the dress that I’m willing to overlook the GIANT flower accents.

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If I say Maggie looks nice here does that mean she’ll give Taylor Swift her scarf back and stop playing dumb about her brother being the villain of All Too Well? If not, I take it back. I’ll move her to the worst dressed REAL QUICK.

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This is how you crush an “either or” situation. Covered up on the bottom, giving a little peek at the goods on top. Classy all around because it’s a pantsuit. Love the sparkle and respect the fact that she knows how to pull off a pocket pose. Cause I got ONE HAND IN MY POCKET and the other one is waving hi to all the haters.

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No clue who this is but my kneejerk reaction to this look was that it was fun and she was sassin out hoard with that pose. 

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Always a thousand times yes to a charcoal fitted suit on this hunk of man meat.

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As someone who will change the scrunchie on her wrist every time she changes shirts so they coordinate as closely as possible, I very much approve of the patterned hair scarf that syncs up with the pattern on her dress. 

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This is the kind of jacket I’d expect to see at the CMA’s but I love it and he looks spiffy.

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This is a silky animal print combo and yet it doesn’t look like what she wears to bed–see it CAN be done! Faith looks amazing and she knows it.

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Faith way outranked Tim here but you always need a reacher and a settler in a relationship so it’s fine. He doesn’t look BAD, he’s just obviously outkicking his coverage.

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Badass to wear a fishtail braid on a red carpet. I keep saying red carpet but obviously this carpet is like a grey/silver. Let’s overlook this for the sake of my entire blog. Juno is a perfect gold goddess.

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All in for the tie shoulders and the fit of this dress on Sandra even though it gives off some tin foil gum wrapper vibes, I think she’s rocking it.

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I mean it’s Bradley Cooper. He’s always going to wear a plain black tux and look like a handsome devil. Very few fall into this category and I know it’s lazy journalism (lol couldn’t type that with a straight face) to classify the Hollywood OG babes like Bradley, Leo and George as best dressed just because of who they are but it’s not like they look like walking dumpsters, they’re just boring classic guys.

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Michael Keaton’s looking debonair! Almost enough to make up for his incessant need to ramble every time he’s onstage. ALMOST.

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This is the mood we were looking for from Lady Gaga, squad. I wanted an outrageously cocky fashion moment. If you’re gonna star in a movie about a fashion designer/mafia hitman situation, I want you to bring the full drama to the carpet. This is it right here. Shades, velvet bow, the jacket draped on his shoulders. Is that a scrunchie I see on his wrist?! The drama. The intrigue. 

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Ooh baby, Tyler looks suave as hell. This might be my new favorite suit color. A nice solid green.

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Kirsten looks like a spicy tamale in this number and I love this journey for her.

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The silhouette of this dress is stunning and obviously I’m a sucker for the colors. 

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I mean I don’t think Helen Mirren could get any classier if she tried. She looks like she’s going for tea and crumpets at the palace with the Queen right down to her matching mask and clutch. She’s a woman after my own heart with the amount of coordinating she did with her accessories. 

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I know I previously said stop it with the puffs and I did mean that but also Jean does look good in this dress. She’d look even better without the court jester neck ruffle but it’s not a dealbreaker.

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From the clouds, Paul Reiser with a jazzy jacket! Who woulda thunk. Looks sharp AF.

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I love Kieran’s sideways pose here. He looks good and he knows it.

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Talk about Corporate Bros and CE-Hoes’ party! Just kidding. Sorta. She’s really giving off sultry vibes in boardroom chic and another killer pocket pose. I’m here for it!

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Little too much cleavington for me but I can’t drool over a bunch of pantsuits being classy and kewl and then toss Mira on the worst dressed list just because she wanted to pop them disco boobs out for a night on the town. She’s still got it. Her and Lisa proved that no one ages in Hollywood thanks to plastic surgery and made a little Romy and Michele color callback:

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They look like a million bucks, as the inventors of Post-its should.

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Cousin Greg is such a tall drink of water and he sure cleans up nice.

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I love this little cotton candy bunny and I’m going to scream it from the rooftops because I don’t care who knows it. 

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A maroon smoking jacket will get me every time.

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I’ve got a real summer boner for these two back to back pops of color. Although I will say that as great as this dress looks, when she won an award she almost fell out of her chair and dragged it up onstage with her because of that puffy butt situation. Sometimes it pays to keep it simple so you can gracefully glide onstage and accept your award without looking like a bull in a china shop.

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Look at her having a dramatic flip my swishy dress for the paps moment. Supes jelly. I wore a tutu on the beach to pop champagne for paying off my student loans and it would’ve been an ideal moment for a swishy blowing in the breeze carefree pic but the wind was blowing in the wrong direction so my hair was in my face and also I was taking my own photos so MUST BE NICE to have cameras snapping away at you looking like a princess.

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I got a serious case of the giggles as I rolled through 134 red carpet photos and THIS was one of them. I mean, was Chef there to cater the event or was he attending as a nominee/presenter? I’m unclear on what his purpose was there but what I AM clear on is that he showed up ready to sauté some mushrooms should he be called upon to do so. I like the readiness here. Clogs, apron and you know what? maybe toss a hairnet over that Sonic head of yours, Chef, I don’t love a hairy meal. Also where is your spatula?

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Was a REAL close call whether this would be the best look of the night because yellows and golds always crush on a red carpet. Love this color on her and the accents of purple complement it perfectly. 

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This is so dorky grandpa and I happen to love it. His trendy frames matching his bowtie is chef’s kiss.

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Marlee is lookin like a straight dime piece and also happened to clean up awards and make a big statement how it’s deaf actors time to shine finally. She had herself a top night and was certainly dressed for it.

 

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

Now this is a damn statement. Neon and perfectly fitted princess gown, subtle jewels to let the extravagant dress do the talking, pink lips and soft curls. GET IT, QUEEN.

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Salty Stories

Taylor Swift Trivia For One

I exist for the mere entertainment of the general public. These days, if I’m unsure about doing something, I convince myself that if it all goes terribly, at least I can blog the mishap after the fact for shits & giggs. I’m basically a reporter doing research for the blog except the research is endless embarrassing moments that happen every time I interact with the general public. Regardless, that’s how I found myself making the sound decision to show up to a night of Taylor Swift trivia at a local bar in my new hometown. I saw a post on their social media advertising it one afternoon and after quickly counting the 0 friends I can call on to join me for such frivolous activities, I thought, well how terrible would it be to roll solo on this one? As someone who is BEYOND self conscious and thinks everyone is staring at me always whenever I do something by my lonesome (I mean, I am like, really pretty) it has been hard for me through the years to come to terms with what I’m comfy with doing alone. In travel situations I’ve been forced to go to a restaurant or explore a city by myself and in those moments, I’m either taking 900 pictures or I have my nose in my phone scrolling Twitter so I don’t have to look like Steven Glansberg.

I talked myself into it, reasoning that it’s not like I’m eating dessert alone, I’ll have an actual activity to do in trivia so it’s not as embarrassing. I also phoned two friends for confirmation in this decision because I’m nothing if not constantly seeking approval from my peers. They told me to go because worst case scenario it sucks and I can just leave. They clearly underestimated how dramatic I can be. I carefully chose my wardrobe to look cool, effortless, and chic with a touch of Swiftie fanfare. (AKA I dug through my 15 Taylor Swift tees and selected the one that would give off the perfect amount of I Did Something Bad vibes) I added a red lip, for obvious reasons. And as I drove there I had fantasies of walking into the bar, being embraced for my ‘fit and welcomed into a large friend group with open arms to go on to win trivia and 5 new besties. Supes realistic. (This ideal scenario I concocted in my brain is especially funny to anyone who has a vagina and knows just how bitchy and cliquey girls are, Swifties or not.)

Instead, I walked in 15 minutes early, asked the hostess if I could sit at the bar and do trivia by myself–quickly darting my eyes around her to see if anyone heard me…am I yelling?! It feels like I’m YELLING! She told me that was *TOTALLY* fine in a way that only someone who has had the same 100 BFF’s since childhood and couldn’t possibly fathom attending trivia solo dolo could say. MuSt bE NiCe. There was an upper bar and a lower bar and since I’m an awkward bird with a VERY high chance of tripping over my own feet, I beelined it to the closest bar stool. I barreled into it without looking up (I didn’t want confirmation that everyone in fact had stopped what they were doing to turn and stare at me.) This turned out to be a terrible decision as it was right near the server computer so I had basically lumped myself in with the waitstaff yet I was not earning a paycheck and also the door which was 5 inches away from my chair was left open all night. In December. I immediately regretted my choice but it was too late. I had already made awkward eye contact with the bartender when I tried to hang my purse on a hook underneath the bar. As my purse flopped dramatically to the ground the bartender alerted me that there were in fact, no hooks. Hot start.  As I scanned the room I saw that the place was packed with groups of friends and my back was to them all. Something told me I wouldn’t be brought into the fold of one of these wolfpacks as the only person who could see my I ❤ TS tee was the bartender who already thought I was blind for thinking there was a hook where there wasn’t. I ordered a flashy Christmas margarita that would look good on the ‘gram and that’s pretty much all it was good for because every sip I took was full of Pomegranate seeds that I was forced to chew. Strike two.

After an excruciating 20 minutes of nearly choking on pom seeds and pretending to be very interested in a muted TV above the bar, the host of trivia finally made his rounds. He asked if I was participating and when I said yes, he immediately fumbled his entire stack of index cards on the floor. Well lookie lookie here, seems like I’m not the biggest loser in the room anymore. This guy can’t even keep a grip on his flashcards. SO HA! What’s your favorite game, bro? FIFTY-TWO PICK UP?! My internal gloating didn’t get me very far, because I had a real ego check when he told me to write my team name at the top of each card for the three separate rounds. Nothing humbles you more than choosing a team name for a team of uno. The first thing that came to my mind was one of my fave Tay lyrics (that I conveniently made into a tee) “I come back stronger than a 90’s trend.” I hoped that it would be foreshadowing of me dominating trivia all by my lonesome. Stories of my Team of 1 comeback would make their way to Taylor Swift herself who would then pay off my student loans and invite me onstage at her next tour with dramatic “PLEASE WELCOME TO THE STAGE” flair. Or in the real world, I would tweet about my team-naming dilemma and a fellow Swiftie would reply with a far superior team name for my sad ass team… “the 1.” And honestly, it was too good not to steal. So perfect that I then went through and scribbled my previous team name out on each card and wrote in my new one. The trivia had not even begun yet and I looked like a REAL psycho.

Round 1 kicks off and I knew I had gotten got. Not only did I roll through with visions of forming an instant bond with fellow Swifties, but I had SEVERELY underestimated my Taylor Swift knowledge. WHAT AN IDIOT I was. The first question was, “What Taylor Swift song is sampled in Olivia Rodrigo’s album Deja Vu?” Despite being v. knowledgeable on the Oliva-Josh-Sabrina Disney love triangle, I can’t name any other Olivia Rodrigo song than Drivers License and Good 4 U. Neither of those have Tay songs in them. I guessed Trouble, knowing it was dead wrong. Ok just a little hiccup, question two will be MUCH better. Orrrrr NAHT. The second question was what time was Taylor Swift born at? ARE YA KIDDIN ME?! I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT TIME I WAS BORN. In fact, I don’t even know if my MOM knows what time I was born at and it was her vagina I straight wrecked with my 10 lbs of rolls. I started to get swamp pits thinking I just made this big a deal about going to Taylor Swift trivia and I wasn’t even going to get one question right. I wrote down 11:13, mixing Paris Hilton’s favorite time and Taylor Swift’s favorite number. It was most obviously incorrect. Taylor Allison Swift was born at 5:13 AM. WHO THE HELL WOULD KNOW THAT OBSCURE TIME?! Well as it turns out, everyone except for me because when the stupid host read the answers he made a point to say ALMOST everyone got it right. Thanks, dude. By the end of round 1 I was confident in 2 out of 10 answers. I didn’t even deserve to be wearing the I ❤ TS tee but alas I didn’t have a change of clothes.

The bartender could see how distraught I was and asked me how it was going. I told her not well. And then as one tends to do when they’re incredibly insecure, I overshared with her now that I’d gotten her ear. “I just moved here and I don’t really know anyone but I saw this trivia posted earlier and I love Taylor Swift so I thought I’d come by and play by myself just to get out of the apt and do something social…but I didn’t expect it to be this hard!” She gave me a sympathetic smile and asked if I wanted another drink to gently remind me not only that I reeked of desperation but also that she was simply securing her tip, not acting as my therapist. A duo of girls at the end of the bar were also very vocal about the difficulty of the line of questioning and I looked to them with the hopeful wonder of friendship until I saw how blasted they were and decided this was a partnership I did not want to explore. It’s a Thursday night (I’m old) and also I was looking to enhance my knowledge, not shoot myself in the damn leg by hitching my wagon to an equally as dumb team. It’s called strategy.

When the host came around to collect my answers I told him to knock it off with the ridiculous questions. He assured me it would get easier. I told him with my eyes he was full of shit and he admitted (out of guilt) that he didn’t even come up with these questions. His gal pals gave them to him and as soon as I learned that I knew I’d need a Getaway Car to escape this trivia. This jabroni clearly surrounded himself with the type of ladies that analyzed every Tay social media post’s content, date and timestamp like it was a clue to be investigated and NOT JUST A SINGER POSTING A PIC OF HER CATS. BUT as someone who once wrote an entire creepy blog based on a music video about drinking with Taylor Swift, I thought I still had a fighting chance. This trivia night was going to be my End Game because I was about to step into my Reputation era. We were about to find out if this unsuspecting part-time trivia host was …Ready For It

Round two started and I got real serious. I ordered a Guinness. No more fruity cocktails, it was time to buckle down and make my comeback. Look What You Made Me Do, Trivia Guy. As it turns out, Trivia Guy was about to become my Jake Gyllenaal. Not because he was going to bang me for 3 months then steal my scarf but rather because in 10 years I’ll still be talking about this villain to anyone who will listen. He threw in a softball multiple choice question to throw me off the scent of which actor Taylor has NEVER dated (Chris Evans and that’s obvious.) I also knew that she sent ex-boyf Joe Jonas’ baby a present and I think it’s safe to say that my knowledge of Taylor Swift is PURELY pop culture gossip about the men in and out of her life. I would have thrown in the towel on my own after another horrendous 10 questions of which I maybe got 4 right this time, except that Trivia guy swiftly (see what I did there?) made that decision for me BY NOT EVEN COLLECTING MY ROUND TWO ANSWERS. Rock bottom. The writing was on the wall. I shuffled my index cards, pulled my cardigan tight, signaled to the bartender for my check and skidaddled out of there.

The night was like Death by a Thousand Cuts and I was ready to let my tears ricochet. As it turns out, a hobby writer who has published 7 years of Taylor Swift superfan blogs and re-watched her music videos on repeat, critiquing each look, giving a track by track review to each album released HAS NO PLACE AT TAYLOR SWIFT TRIVIA NIGHT.

Thanks for asking, girl. No, I’m not.

I’m sorry too, Tay. Sorry I let you down by not knowing the exact time you were ejected from your mother’s womb or how old you were when you penned your first song and what the title of that song was. Looks like I’ll need to keep myself in check next time I think a night was MADE for me and just sit at home perfecting every cadence to the 10 minute version of All Too Well instead. Cause I’m not fine at all.

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Movies, Pop Culture, Television

Best of the Worst Hallmark Holiday Movies, 2021 Edition

We’ve reached the point of no return. I am no longer even giving a “Watch” or “Skip” rating to these made-for-TV (or streaming) holiday flicks. This is my 7th annual blog recapping the art that is an awesomely bad cliche holiday movie and if you’re reading this I’m assuming you know that it’s a real love/hate relationship that I have with these hot garbage flicks. And by that I mean, every time I finish one, I hate myself a little bit more for having sat through it at all. So rather than slap a “must-watch” stamp of approval on anything this year, I’m going to get my jokes in, tell it like it is and let you decide for yourself if you’re willing to put yourself through it mentally and emotionally. If you enjoy torture and one lame dry as hell kiss at the end of a movie, stick to Hallmark…if you want to get a little saucy and see more sexual tension and tongue action? May I suggest a peruse of Lifetime or Netflix, even Peacock snuck in this year! Here we go…

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I got straight duped with this one. Netflix hit me with the “this is a 98% match for you, WATCH IT NOW!” And I was like aggressive, but ok let’s see what this is all about. I gave it 25 minutes before I turned it off. Between the HEAVY Irish accents and the fact that the target age demographic was my mom (seriously, how old does Netflix think I am?!) and the lead actor who probably wasn’t even sexy 20 years ago aka the last time he was an age appropriate male lead for me…I’m sorry but for all of those reasons and so many more, I’m out.

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The most unwarranted sequel I’ve ever heard of but isn’t that the name of the game for Netflix? People watched something so they crank out 5 more. If you missed my review last year of the OG, peep that here before getting the lowdown on *city lights.* I said it last year and I’ll say it again for the people in the back, Manny is the only star of this movie. I don’t even care about the lead couple, I’m only sticking around to see Manny’s goofy one-liners and funny faces. The good news is Netflix realized what a gem he was in the first and upped the ante for his role in the second. The third installment of this franchise better be all about Manny’s life or we riot. Right out the gate I’d like to let everyone know that there’s a PG-13 rating on this flick and boy do they earn it with a sensual sex scene in the first fifteen minutes. My sister and I had to cover her baby’s eyes as this was far too mature for a six month old to take in. If you’ve ever seen a sequel one time in your life, you’ll know that once the couple has gotten together, part 2 is all about how maybe they rushed into things and they’re not right for each other. Nothing screamed that harder than the rich boy doucher outfit Joseph dons to show off his life back in the city to his farm girl fiance Callie. The dude was wearing a white overcoat, white flare dress pants and loafers. We get it buddy, you grew up going to the country club for golf with the boys. For the rest of the movie we watch Callie’s younger sister who has no living parents left and is in the custody of Callie get straight up neglected and basically raise herself, sustaining a serious injury that no one gives a flying F about because big sis is preoccupied planning a fancy San Fran wedding. All the while, our villain (Joseph’s ex and co-worker) Victoria is out to ruin the wedding. Seriously, there’s not one scene where this hooch isn’t just peeping Tom’ing all over their lives while in bright red evening-wear. Hey guys, before you get caught up in making out, maybe notice the devil 4 ft away from you glaring at you…But all’s well that ends well when Manny tries to ask out Callie’s BFF while she has her arm directly inserted into a cow’s vagina. Thank God for Manny, his cow-spotted nightgown wearin’ ass deserved to find love.

Bonus Points: One of Joseph’s “city friends” (skankwads) greets him for the first time in a year by doing a two-handed slide and scoop on his butt while he’s bent over cleaning something up in a public hotel lobby. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?! Is this the new era credit card swipe? IS THIS HOW FRIENDS GREET EACH OTHER IN SAN FRANCISCO?! Doing the ole 10 finger wiggle near someone else’s butthole…in white pants no less..seems like pretty dangerous territory, especially while the receiving end is bent over at a 90 degree angle letting it all hang out. We gotta get on the same page about how we catch up with old friends in different states because I really feel like I’m missing something here.

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I’m a little bit cheating with this one because I feel like it came out FOREVER ago but it IS a Christmas movie and it WAS terrible so I feel like it’s important to include it. I had high hopes because Christmas movies can have raunchier humor over in the no rules land of Netflix. Also, Darren Barnet has proven to be quite a babe in Never Have I Ever (great show.) Natalie writes a dating column about her online dating mishaps. She meets Tag on an app and even though he lives across the country, they have such a good long distance connection that she thinks he’s the one. She flies out to surprise him for Christmas and realizes she’s been catfished by Josh–who as you can see looks drastically different from Tag. It’s one of those movies that is supposed to point out that we’re all shallow assholes and it’s more about falling in love with the person & all of their inner beauty than their 6 pack abs. Yeah, yeah, yeah we get it. Leave that shit for the real world. None of us are marrying someone with washboard abs so in all of my movies I WANT TO SEE THE QUIRKY GIRL END UP WITH THE SEXY BEAST. Is that really too much to ask? Regardless, this movie was painfully unfunny and it seemed as though Natalie’s only joke (and an overplayed one at that) was that her favorite Christmas movie is Die Hard. #CoolGirlNat

Bonus Points: Ever the feminist (who loves Die Hard, don’t forget) Natalie CANNOT STAND “Baby It’s Cold Outside”–how original I know–and so when they’re asked to sing a carol on the spot in front of the family, Josh and Natalie break into an impromptu 2021 version of the classic. Not only do they completely butcher a wonderful song, but I almost had to call the uncomfortable police from watching this scene. No words will do it justice but please PLEASE for the love of God, CAN WE BAN DRAWN OUT SINGING SCENES FROM HOLIDAY MOVIES?! It downright ruins my Christmas and NO I’M NOT BEING DRAMATIC, OK?!

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My first Hally of this year and what a joyous occasion it was. I forced my ex boyf to watch it with me just like I forced him to carry my Christmas tree up my apt stairs and therefore the cutting commentary was UNLEASHED upon these poor unfortunate souls. It also happened to be chock full of ridiculousness & worth every snarky observation we made. Leah is about to turn 30 on Christmas Eve and also her brother decided to plan his wedding for that same night (TOTAL asshole move, if one of my siblings did this I’d get trashed at their wedding and make a scene while wearing a 30 crown.) Her childhood crush, Drew is back from his world travels to fix up his dead grandma’s house where he lived (next door to Leah) and wants to make sure the big 3-0 isn’t forgotten amongst the wedding kerfuffle. (Spoiler alert: it most definitely is.) The best part about this movie is the lead who plays Drew is fresh meat. He’s not a tired old recycled Hallmark actor who has been in 1900 holiday flicks, looking more weathered than Santa. He’s young and rocking that rugged burly man hotness. Total eye candy. And everything else pretty much goes downhill from there. Leah’s family is WEIRD. Her brother looks like he’s on coke 24/7 with the most expressive eyes I’ve ever seen and the parents are also vying for our attention with over-acting anonymous. They all interact as if they’ve never met each other. The brother’s fiance is named Julia and oh boy does that suck because she plays the bratty bride cliche the entire movie. Bitch flew to London 3 times in one year for a wedding dress from a specific designer. Obviously the dress got lost in a flight. We have a big build-up to the wedding dress she finally wears and it’s a short sleeve paper bag. Outside. On Christmas Eve. With snow on the ground. Hot tip: if you want to get lit up like a Christmas tree, may I suggest taking a drink every time any character references that they are in fact in Rose Lake. Nothing hits harder than a fictional town being forced into every single scripted sentence. Oh Christmas in Rose Lake? Nothings beats Rose Lake. I remember when we were growing up here in Rose Lake…

Bonus Points: Creepy brother has his bach party at their parent’s house and it’s ugly sweater themed. When Drew offers the groom-to-be a beer he replies, “Uh is there a mineral water, gotta fit into my tux.” God I want to punch this guy right in the face. Also, the girl who couldn’t possibly leave *Rose Lake* to travel the world because her local store needs her (yet she’s never once seen working at this store during the busy Christmas season) is gifted everyone else’s frequent flier miles for her 30th birthday. Wanna know how you’re the black sheep of the family? Your brother plans his wedding on your 30th birthday then gifts you with his leftover frequent flier miles and probably a used set of United ear buds. GOD WHAT AN AWFUL GIFT. Buy this girl a trip somewhere or just hand over cash. She probably can’t even use your miles to get a free magazine subscription, you cheap animals.

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I had this on in the background while I was wrapping presents one night and even as background noise it was offensive to my soul. I’ll tell you the exact moment I had to turn it off because it still haunts me to this day. These two clowns pictured above are spending some quality time with a niece doing Christmas shopping (played by Mario’s actual daughter) and she pulls them over in a little town square and sets up her phone on a tripod and goes we’re gonna do this TikTok dance. They do one run through of a solid 30 second dance with intricate choreography. The little shit goes, “got it? ok let’s go” and then they just do the TikTok. One take. Full choreography. I’m not often overcome by a deep jealousy and outrage of something so unrealistic but as someone who has tried the simplest of TikTok dances meant for geriatric F*cks and can’t get through 3 seconds without screwing up royally, I CALL BULLSHIT. Get out of my face.

Bonus Points: Mario never ages and if anyone is going to nail a TikTok, it’s the guy who invented sitting backward in a chair and doing a smooth split to Barbara Ann

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I appreciate Peacock making a name for itself right out the gate. Between Paris Hilton’s show featuring the QUEEN Kathy Hilton and a Real World-esque show taking the OG Housewives and sticking them on an island together for a week, this app is already worth the $0 I pay for it because I stole it from my ex-boyf, alimony style. Really all it comes down to is that the world needs more Housewives and Andy Cohen giveth freely (behind a paywall.) At first I was worried we were in for a holiday flick centered completely on two women in their forties bickering but the good news is this movie has LAYERS. And the layers are their children falling in love in a town where reindeer freely walk down the street. That’s something I can get down with. The boy (he’s 29, so it’s legal) is one of those classic pretty boy babes that Netflix keeps trucking out as high school movie leads as if anyone in your high school ever looked like that.

Anyway, there’s some great backstabbing hijinks, a gossipy town, a badd bitch troop of girl scouts and young love at Christmas. What more could you ask for? Oh yeah that’s right, a cameo from the fabulous Sonja Morgan and Santa drilling Kyle Richards with a snowball. (Basically only watch this if you’re a Bravo-holic.)

Bonus Points: The two kids smash face for the first time and mid-tonguing the girl goes our mom’s won’t like this very much and the guy goes can you not bring up our mom’s right now? #BONERKILL

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I sure do LOVE Canadians, Brits and Californian’s putting on a New Yorker accent that is over the top and makes me want to rip my ears clean off my head. NAHT. “Capisce” complete with 🤌 was used unironically in the first five minutes of this movie. But anyway, we can’t have Christmas without a royal pretending to be a commoner and falling in love with a street rat only for it to be revealed at an incredibly inconvenient time that he could buy the entire country if he so pleased. DD is part of a zany working class fam in Queens who has a number of incredibly weird Christmas traditions that they try to pass off as normal American. No one is having a snowman building competition in their neighborhood or a Christmas Wishing Tree festival, let’s not give Colin the wrong impression on what America’s all about during the holidays (shopping, drinking and eating cookies.) Colin’s trying to dodge an arranged marriage and stepping up to be King of his fictional country and pursue his passion of “music.” I put music in quotes here because when he gets recruited as the pianist for DD’s charity children’s concert, he plays jazzy cool upbeat piano jams while kids scream sing at the top of their lungs. Hot combo. Obviously the wishing tree brings them together in the end with lingering eye contact and a piano ornament.

Bonus Points: Coming in at number one for MOST cringeworthy moment of the 2021 movie season, the children are singing “Joy to the World” at a normal slow speed and Colin is playing the piano at twice the speed…and everyone is smiling and loving it. It sounds like absolute trash and that’s saying a lot considering every children’s concert sounds like forks in a garbage disposal. This fast/slow tornado in my ears took it to a whole new level and people in the audience were genuinely like wow this is amazing, real raw talent here, this guy should go on tour and not listen to anyone else on stage and just play whatever tempo and song he wants!

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Last year we broke down the first lesbian Christmas flick and this year we’ve got some man on man action. Heavy hitters Jennifer Coolidge and Kathy Najimy essentially carried this movie for me. As the overbearing mom who just wants to be accepting and understanding of her son (she’s read books about loving your gay son) Carol demands to be called Christmas Carol for all of December and greets Peter and his roomie Nick with a “Sleigh Queen” sign in the driveway. I immediately love her. Then we’ve got Jennifer Coolidge as zany Aunt Sandy who jacked ornaments off her sister’s tree and was wearing them as earrings. Even though Nick and Peter have been roommates for life, Peter’s whole family wants them to end up together and boy oh boy is this family FULL of pushers as it pertains to his dating life. If they were my family I would jump off a cliff. Except Aunt Sandy. She can hang.

Bonus Points: A family dance party to Britney’s original Christmas classic My Only Wish (This Year) – suck on that Mariah. Honestly, a cheesy Guncle dance montage for #FreeBritney is way better than a try-hard tiktok hoochie dance…Lifetime and Mario Lopez, I’m lookin’ at you.

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Sam’s a famous HGTV wannabe who is back home for Christmas for the first time since her and her high school sweetie broke up.  And ope would you look at that, Coop and Sam have to work together to restore the inn and make Harborfest happen in honor of dead Rita (RIP Rita.) Here’s a new fun thing that Hallmark was hammering down our throats this year: the female lead is an “influencer” and super into social media and the small town aw shucks guy HAMMERS her for it until he sees by the end that social media isn’t the DEVIL. Coop openly mocking Sam for her IG story updates on their renovation progress and then loving the camera and being on her show with her by the end was LAUGH OUT LOUD hypocrisy. Here’s a tip, why don’t all you turds who are off the grid not come so hard at Instagram cause whatever homemade shit you’re peddling needs some sort of digital platform (in this case, it was wood-burned signs that looked like a kindergartner made them.) Also important to note that Jana Kramer got a very public boob job after her husband cheated on her for the zillionth time (and she spilled the tea on their joint podcast before finally kicking his sorry ass to the curb) and RIGHT off the bat in this movie that rack is prominently displayed in a lacy lingerie set. My exact note when my eyes popped out of my head seeing it was: “BOOB JOB IN RED LINGERIE.” It was so obvious that my sister also texted me about it too. Well played, Jana.

Bonus Points: The most unrealistic snowball fight scene I’ve ever laid eyes on. Even Twilight’s CGI vampire and werewolf battle scene was more believable than this. Is it Lifetime or are they trying to film the latest Marvel movie loaded with ex-lover sexual tension? Woof. The slow motion and intense music was cringe. Add all the gladiator music you’d like but it doesn’t cover up bad acting.

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Bold of Hallmark to still be trotting out Rachel Leigh Cook as if she’s not at the age where she plays a mom to a teenager in most movies. I also laughed out loud at the fact that her name is Merry. Simple tropes for simple folks. Merry wrote a dating expert book about a fictional relationship that she “snagged” by following her strict rules of love. Obviously her boss finds out she’s not engaged and she’s actually single AF, so she takes a trip home with her bestie to figure shit out/fall in love with her bestie’s hot brother. And oOoh baby is this guy quite the Christmas ham. They meet (again) via a tasty naked run-in when he lays his chiseled bod on top of her as she’s taking a nap on his bed 🤤 Not only does Adam clearly work out, but he also drives a red pickup truck, adding all of the bonus points to his sex appeal. As someone who has fully embraced the red pickup truck with a Christmas tree in the back decoration style, covering my home in it, DAS MY TYPE. He can’t be PERFECT though, ladies, amirite?! He’s another one who clowns Merry for her social media usage. She takes a photo of her pie for the gram and he snarks, “Does that taste better digitally?” Sick burn, bruh. I liked her comeback better when she told him that picture would be seen by 3.2 million people with just one click. SO HA, BIRD BRAIN IN A SMALL TOWN DRIVING A DUSTY OLD TRUCK. TAKE THAT.

Bonus Points: (Seems to be a trend where my bonus points is actually the most cringeworthy scene of the movie) The most dramatic DON’T GO airport scene where Merry screamed at the top of her lungs and honestly I had the most secondhand embarrassment for someone who screams that loud without letting the other person speak. Yikes on bikes. Turns out, he wasn’t even going anywhere, so her blood curdling whiny “don’t leave me” was even MORE mortifying. Move to a different country and change your name immediately, Merry. Honestly, change your name anyway because 11 months of the year it just doesn’t work.

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Normally a big fan of any holiday movie Joy stars in, this one was kinda lukewarm for me. I think it’s because the guy was such a wiener. They usually match Joy up with a hottie with a sense of humor and this guy was a little too whiny for me. Jamie and Emily dated for a few years and then he dumped her but decided to not tell his family because they all loved her so much. They’ve been broken up for 2 1/2 months, but they COINCIDENTALLY arrive in the same town at the same time for Christmas and the family assumes they’re still together. Rooooigghhtttt. Totally. Jamie continues to be a coward and not tell anyone the truth but obviously a couple that fakes it USUALLY MAKES IT! Except that I can’t get on board with Emily downgrading this hard. She’s cool and funny and well-traveled and while they’re playing family charades, Jamie guesses “you after you’ve had a few drinks” 15 times. He also broke up with her over the phone while she was in a meeting. Yikes, dude. When she roasts him for that I wanted to whoop it up from my couch. #TeamEmily

Bonus Points: A Christmas play where the wiener has to play a unicorn and a sassy grandma who tells it like it is when her grandson is being stupid.

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Salty Stories

Stay Grounded

Remember back in August when I had a traumatic moving experience and I wrote jokes about it to stop myself from crying about it? Feel free to refresh yourself HERE. Well, ever a magnet for disaster, I’m bootscootin on back to the blog with my latest saga. I had to take a week to process as I went right from this shitshow directly into a 5 hour drive home for Thanksgiving and if we’re being real honest I physically haven’t come up for air between cheese dips and wine in the past week. Now that I’ve finally detoxed, it’s time for y’all to gather round and hear about the time I went to a wedding with my ex-boyf and we almost got stranded at LAX. 

First thing’s first, let’s address the elephant in the room for all the gossip queens. Why would I travel cross-country with an ex? The answer is really quite simple. I’m forever on a budget and I’ve lived with this man before…he is well-versed in my digestive system from hell–which only gets worse when I travel. He’s seen some shit. Literally. He ain’t gonna disown me for stinking up the hotel room when my In-N-Out comes in and goes right back out…whereas I can’t confidently say the same if I were to bunk with another acquaintance. Other than reasons directly related to my b*hole, we actually get along and like hanging out with each other in the way that everyone tells you not to do when you break up. We’re renegades. Sue us. So now that we’ve settled that, let’s point out our obvious differences. Eric is a fly by the seat of your pants guy, I’m a neurotic freak. Also a bonus for me because I knew that I could have complete control over our travel plans like my Type-A ass dreams about. He just needed to show up and take the middle seat so I didn’t have to sit next to a grody stranger. This wedding was two years in the making after a COVID postponement and we were VERY antsy to get on out to California and celebrate with our friends. These days there’s a whole lot of things that can throw a wrench in travel plans so we were just praying that we didn’t get sick, no extra vaccine/testing travel mandates were thrown into the mix and nothing got delayed or cancelled. Thankfully everything went off without a hitch on the way there and exactly according to my carefully constructed travel itinerary where I laid out all of our reservations and even the local weather forecast all in one doc. See? Neurotic. I even emailed it to everyone I know should anyone want to stalk my travels. Our parents appreciated that. I packed 6 weeks worth of snacks and alcohol for two six hour flights that we both slept through most of and honestly if anyone ever wants to fund my plane ticket, I’m a PHENOMENAL travel buddy. My fanny pack was chock full of tissues and gum too.

Immediately upon landing, Eric tried to board a shuttle for a janky rental car company that was not ours and I realized that as much as I needed a roommate who didn’t care if I ripped too many farts, he needed a flightmate who paid attention and had a bomb ass itinerary. I’m guessing he seriously reconsidered that after a full day of being stuck next to me ended in an 11PM PST (2AM EST) ROUSING passenger seat rendition of All Too Well (10 Minute Version) (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault) where I pretended my cell phone was a microphone and hadn’t quite learned all the lyrics yet so I made noises through the ones I wasn’t confident in. Wanna test your ex’s patience? Scream-sing a breakup song into their grillpiece while they’re driving through the mountains in the dark in a rental car in a state they don’t live in. It’s a G-D miracle I wasn’t fed to the coyotes that night. Instead, I rewarded my phenomenal concert with cheese fries.

Now to the real meat of the story and I don’t mean a double double, no onions. It’s all fun and games until you get to the end of the trip and realize you’d rather saw your arms off with a butter knife than spend an entire day traveling back home. Especially when you’ve gotten a taste of that sweet, sweet, California weather. It was 80 and sunny on the drive to the airport Sunday morning. Having already taken Monday off from work as a recovery day, I suggested (mostly joking) what if we just…didn’t leave today. Mr. ‘I’ll just board a bus to anywhere without looking’ replied, “Ok. Sure.” After confirming that he wasn’t being sarcastic, I remembered that the app told us upon check-in that our flight was overbooked (shocking, I know.) We gave the airline a quick call and as most things with airlines go, if you’re unwilling to make travel changes, they incentivize you with a voucher, but if you’re a couple of NY idiots who just want another day of warm weather…you get nothing and you’ll like it. The airline rep happily changed our tickets for no additional fee (TYSM Covid) to the same flight the following day. To reiterate, United got what they wanted by bumping people from their overcrowded flight but didn’t have to pay a dime for it. This piece of the puzzle isn’t super integral to the story but it’s important to note that we were riding that vacay high and opted for a bonus day. And ooh baby was that bonus day sweet.

Monday morning it was back to reality. After far too many jokes of “should we just never leave?” (in retrospect, we probably shouldn’t have put that thought out into the universe, multiple times) we begrudgingly returned the rental car and got ready for this suckfest of a flight. Both of us had only traveled with carry-on’s, something I wholeheartedly do not recommend for a formal event. My bridesmaids dress alone filled the suitcase and since I’m an obnoxious overpacker, I jammed much more in. The amount of times I sat on my suitcase to zip it in this very short weekend was enough to teach me a lesson about overpacking, but alas it is a lesson I will never learn. We hauled our overstuffed suitcases through LAX, where security noted we were *super early* uhh, thanks for the shade for being organized fliers, hooch. Having not eaten breakfast yet and being 3 hours early for our flight, we went in search of some of the fine cuisine you hear about at airports. We settled in at the Rolling Stone Cafe. Drooling in anticipation of a breakfast burrito and coffee, I placed my order and the waitress immediately crushed my dreams by telling me breakfast ended at 11. It’s an airport, not a McDonald’s…since when are there stringent breakfast rules at a place that lets you get boozed up anytime of the day before boarding a plane. She then doubled down on worst person I’ve ever met and told us they had no chicken tenders either. That was going to be my next order (yes, I’m five.) Finally I settled on a burger and fries—she asked how I wanted said burger cooked and when I said Medium Rare, she fired back, “we can only cook it medium.” Then why even ask? Hangry Ju’s patience was already wearing thin. Eric ordered a chicken caesar salad to which she replied, “we don’t have any chicken at all.” LEAD WITH THAT, HOMEGIRL. “Welcome to Rolling Stone Cafe: Breakfast is over and there’s a chicken shortage so the only thing you can order on this menu is our burger, hockey puck style.” How hard was that?! I’m not saying I should have her job but I’m not NOT saying it either. Obviously the meal was trash. I asked for bacon on my burger and got none but was sure charged for it. Eric paid for a salad missing its main ingredient. McD’s would’ve been a zillion times better and 1/4 of the price. Hot start. (There were certainly no sunset fries there.)

From there we moved on to inject some caffeine in ya girl and found that the only coffee shop had one employee taking the orders and making the drinks. I was hard up for some Christmas in a cup (peppermint mocha cold brew) so I waited the 20 mins to get my fix. Naturally after I placed my order, reinforcements were sent for this poor soul. Finally, we board the plane only to find out we’re in the very last row. I guess when you switch your flight you get the seats no one else wanted, directly in the potty. Noted for the next time we wish to YOLO it up. We get settled in and ready to fly the friendly skies when there is an IMMEDIATE announcement over the loudspeaker that this plane’s left engine was leaking fluids on its travels to LA and they’re going to check things out. If you live on Planet Earth you must understand that if there’s a reference to any plane issue on the left, Phoebe’s left phalange bit is going to immediately take over your brain. 

We laughed about it but then we realized, when it’s on a fictional TV show and it’s going to finally bring Ross and Rachel together, it’s funny. When you’re about to fly across the G-D country with an engine that’s “leaking”, it’s very unfunny. WHY THE HELL WOULD THEY ANNOUNCE THAT?! To give everyone a panic attack before they’ve even hit the runway? This very much seems like a “you guys could’ve discussed this discreetly before making a public announcement scenario.” Or I don’t know, MAYBE checked things out before putting 200 people on a plane? Just a thought. They continued to make announcements every few minutes, even shutting the plane off at one point to “see if that might help.” I’m no plane expert but I don’t think rebooting it like it’s a 1990’s PC is going to zip up the leaky ole engine. As we’re waiting for the final verdict, I suddenly am about to burst with urine and have to do that very obnoxious thing where you use the plane bathroom before it is approps to do so. I had peed before we boarded but with all this nervous energy and that peppermint mocha coursing through my veins, I had to relieve myself. That bathroom had SEEN some shit. I mean, seriously, it looked like an airplane bathroom after a 12 hour flight to Bora Bora. Toilet paper all over the floor, tissues gone, sink soaking wet for whatever reason. Place was WRECKED. And I don’t know if it was just my breaking point but when the most important part of the plane (I’m spitballing here but the engine seems pretty important) isn’t even functioning correctly and you see the state of the bathroom before anyone has even been in it on this flight, it really puts a sour taste in your mouth to continue on this journey. The pilot agreed. Not because he saw the bathroom looked like a thruway truck stop, but because he was done pretending that it would be chill as hell to fly a broken plane 3,000 miles. He told everyone to get the hell off. He said it nicer, but after finally getting in the mindset to do this stupid trip, we were in no mood to be displaced. Other passengers were applauding the flight attendants and pilot for “making the right decision” and “keeping us alive” as if they were ever going to take off with a bum engine and kill everyone right before Thanksgiving. Let’s relax on calling them heroes. As all the thankful passengers are busy slobbering all over the airline staff, us rational folks are wondering what the hell we’re supposed to do now to get home in time for turkey. I mean they all but gave us a rousing rendition of “Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey, goodbye” but they never told us if they’d get another plane or service this one, or find us connecting flights. NOTHIN. We sat with our thumbs up our butt by the gate waiting for further instruction. I finally asked the gatekeeper what we should do and he told me to hang tight because they don’t know anything. After about 20 mins he got on the hot mic and said ALLLL YOU SUCKA MC’S AIN’T GOT NOTHIN ON ME. JK, he told us to go to customer service. It turns out we were the only two idiots to not know how to do that on our own. As we rolled on up to customer service we were DEAD LAST in line. 

It’s right about here that we both get the *sinking* feeling that perhaps we were being punished for taking a bonus day. We had flown too close to the sun and we were paying for it in a 2 hour customer service line. I’d seen enough Hallmark holiday movies with traveling home for Christmas snafus and let me tell you, ain’t nobody trying to buddy up and find a rental car together and I didn’t see one single Christmas tree farm employee who said he could give us a ride toward New Jersey if we helped him deliver some trees. So THANKS FOR THAT FALSE ADVERTISING, HALLMARK YOU BUNCH OF HOLIDAY TRAVEL FRAUDS. As we shuffled forward inch by inch, employees walked up and down the line SHOVING the virtual assistant on their app down our throats. You know a customer service experience is about to suck BALLZ when they’d rather you AIM chat with someone in Sri Lanka than stand in front of a human being and interact in real life. When one attempt with the virtual assistant ended in “there are no flights until 3pm tomorrow” we decided to try our luck with the 3-D assistant, hoping our pleading faces might help get us into another airport by tomorrow morning. Woo, buddy were we dead wrong. Let me preface this bitchfest by saying that I’ve worked in customer service for many a year. It sucks. Most customers treat you like shit because it’s easier for them to take their frustrations out on a complete stranger than pay for therapy and get to the real root of their problems. I tend to feel as though I’m a compassionate customer having been on the other end of irrational rage and attitude. HOW-EV-ER, I do not tolerate dumb. That’s a whole different ball game and this airport was full of dummies. We get to the front of the line finally and the woman says “What can I do for you?” We very kindly reply, “is there any way that you can get us home as soon as possible.” And she says no. She says there are no flights. None. Zero. You mean to tell me that in this massive international airport, there is not one flight available? We didn’t tell her where we could fly to. We could’ve said we need a flight to Sioux Falls, South Dakota. But she just said no. Really that should’ve tipped us off immediately that she was a lazy MF’er who was probably on the last leg of her shift and would prefer to just tell us to F off than actually help us. But we had no other options according to this twat, so we asked if we could at least get a hotel voucher. Our flight was “delayed” until 5am the following morning and I feel like covering the hotel was the least that these turds could do. She had me read our confirmation number (readily available on my handy dandy itinerary) and told us she texted us hotel and food vouchers. We waited a few minutes, they didn’t show up. We looked at her for more guidance. She stared back at us. Was there any activity in that attic of hers? Hard to say, but no. Considering we went through this exact word for word scenario SIX MORE TIMES. I read that reservation number SIX FUCKING TIMES and she said ok I sent the voucher. And we stood there getting texts and emails from EVERYBODY ELSE and no voucher. At one point she accused us of opening it. WHY THE HELL WOULD WE STILL BE STANDING HERE TELLING YOU WE DIDN’T GET IT IF WE OPENED IT?! I’m getting my 7th email of the day about the latest sale at Bath and Body Works but I’m not getting your shitty voucher OBVIOUSLY THIS IS A YOU PROBLEM. At this point I was enraged. But ever afraid of confrontation and causing a scene, I still kept a low profile with my sass. Rather than using her pea-sized brain to find another way to get us the vouchers, like say, I don’t know, old fashioned PAPER, she told us that the United Virtual Assistant could send them to us and kicked us out of line. I spun around and muttered backward “well you’ve been very helpful” in my bitchiest tone and immediately tripped over my luggage that didn’t spin with me and almost ate shit. Strong exit. That’ll teach her.

We hit the bar to booze off our anger, charge our dying phones and fire up this virtual assistant bullshit again. I don’t know what these third world country employees are getting paid but they better get a year end bonus with the way United is hawking their chatroom services. A/S/L and also CAN YOU GET US OUT OF LAX BEFORE WE BLOW OUR BRAINS OUT?! We picked the one bar in a dead zone where the wifi didn’t reach (natch) but it didn’t really matter because the virtual assistant remained to be as trash as everyone else we dealt with at United. The She-bot informed us that vouchers can only be acquired at customer service. I thought I was about to witness Eric spike his beer off the bar in real time when he received that message. If he did I would’ve gotten on the bar and done an Irish jig around it with my middle fingers in the air. That’s how done I was with this airport. At least whatever holding cell they put us in would be equivalent to a hotel voucher, right? We went back to customer service. At this point the only people trickling in were richies doing pre-check on their way to Hawaii. I spit in the face of their hang loose about to be in paradise demeanors. I just wanted to see the world burn at this point. HOPE IT RAINS THE WHOLE TIME YOU’RE THERE. MAHALO! The United rep who dealt with a MUCH grumpier duo this time around was more helpful in the sense that he didn’t tell us to buzz off. In fact, he had to call his own customer service line just to get us printed vouchers. WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT THE STATE OF CUSTOMER SERVICE IF A CUSTOMER SERVICE REP IS ON HOLD JUST TO GIVE YOU THE AIRLINE EQUIVALENT OF KOHL’S CASH. I sat on the floor and made snarky comments, a skill I’ve honed in my thirty years on this earth.

Another half hour later we walk away with real life paper vouchers. Forty dollars for 2 dinners and a hotel stay with no idea where the shuttle is to get us to said hotel. We meander out and don’t see any signage so we ask where to find the shuttle. We’re met with a buttload of ‘tude. I think my favorite thing about this whole debacle is that every employee that’s supposed to be there to help acts like we’re inconveniencing them. Ma’am I’ve been in this airport for 8 hours wearing a mask that now feels like a damp gym sock on my face and I just want to know how to get to this 1 star hotel for 4 hours of sleep. MY SINCEREST APOLOGIES FOR DARING TO ASK YOU A QUESTION. Once we’re standing at the shuttle stop and we see our shuttle CRUISE on by, we realize that you have to FLAG your shuttle down like it’s a taxi. The hits just keep on comin. At the same time, we’ve got a local news crew interviewing everyone around us about how it was the last day for airline employees to get vaccinated and was there a noticeable difference in level of service. HOW MUCH TIME YA GOT, LADY. Point that hot mic on over this way and you’ll get an earful from the Jersey boy next to me who has a photo of Trump hanging in his apartment. Now we’re cookin with gas. Just kidding. We left her alone and lost our chance at becoming local news viral because God forbid we miss that damn shuttle again. 

By the time we finally got to the hotel we would have already been back home in New Jersey had we not boarded a leaky faucet of an airplane with no left phalange. Jus sayin. We learn that the hotel restaurant accepts our food vouchers and that ONE dinner at this establishment costs $28. Well bend me RIGHT over. I had to go down to the lobby and order our food with the vouchers because we couldn’t use them over the phone for ordering room service. An extra thirty dollars later on top of the $40 vouchers and we had to-go containers with food that tasted like it should’ve been at an Applebees $13.99 per meal price point.

After wolfing our food at the hotel room desk like the animals that we are, we decided it was time to call it quits for the night since we’d be getting just a few hours of sleep before our ass of dawn flight. I had the unfortunate realization as I laid my outfit (the same plane outfit I’d be putting on for the third day in a row) out for my 3AM shower that I was FRESH out of clean undies. I always overpack undies but I also like to switch from day time to night time ‘roos if I’ve had a long day. And this trip was full of long days. Since crusty used undies was not even a little bit of an option, I had bikini bottoms that were never worn as the pool was colder than the ocean and I had the *CLASSIC* Spanx that most girls own yet none admit to ever wearing. (See disturbing visual below.) 

On the one hand, you could actually eat right and work out and be skinny, on the other, much more attractive hand, you could eat whatever you want, never exercise and then when you need to look skinny, slurp all those rolls into a pair of 10 ft long spanky pants that tuck right underneath your nipples. OPTION B ALL DAY ERREDAY, FOLKS. Since I could not POSSIBLY fathom having a TSA scan of granny panties that reach my neckline, I went for the bikini bottoms and I DO recommend. No swass, maximum comfort, flexibility, AND moisture wicking. I might start wearing bathing suits instead of underwear always. 

After 0.0 hours of sleep because I couldn’t stop feeling like bugs were crawling on me and literally googled this hotel’s reviews in the middle of the night looking for bed bug commentary—there were none but I was fully prepared for that to be the next trauma. We arrived at the airport at a ripe 3:30 AM and security wasn’t even open yet. But people were sure lined up! Ah the joys of traveling, where the worst of humanity comes out to play. We got in line and as they opened and we got up to the front, some sneaky little 18 year old ho-ho laying in wait cut in front of us. She then proceeded to pull out her phone and take a selfie and check herself out. Who are you trying to look good for at 4 in the morning, bish? Get the hell out of here. We made it a point to cut her back when we got up to go through the metal detectors. Because we’re a couple of Tom Petty’s and we had ENOUGH. She’s lucky I didn’t strangle her with my control top panties right then and there. Whoever she was trying to look snatched for better feel #bLeSsEd she made it home for the holidays without incident.

We boarded the plane and it was 80% empty. As we walked through both first class and business class with almost no one on board, I started to get excited thinking that perhaps on a technicality (everyone else being more savvy than us and getting the hell out of dodge the day before) I might be able to have my only first class flying experience. Lord knows I’ll never be able to afford it. In my salivating haste I forgot the part where the first class snobs would NEVER allow common trash to infiltrate their section just because there are empty seats and also every airline employee on this earth stinks. We walked back past empty rows to the very last row of the plane where we belonged. And wouldn’t you know, a nice old chap comes cruising on back and joins our pod, rounding out the ONLY full row in the entire plane. The United treatment right up until the very end.

Luckily, once the safety talk started–and we were reassured this was not the same plane with the drippy engine–one flight attendant took pity on us and said we could move up but made SURE to give us a short range of rows we were allowed to touch. WE GET IT, KIND SIR, POOR PEOPLE SECTION ONLY. I laid across three seats and tucked in for a nap with the seatbelt metal digging into my muffin top and my feet hanging off the edge. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that is JUST like first class. The plane rocked diagonally on the landing, I almost puked directly in Eric’s face and also crapped my bathing suit bottoms (probably would’ve absorbed that shit right up) and the saga was over. We laughed, we almost ralphed, and we got to sneak a peek at the Matthews’ home from Boy Meets World for about thirty seconds before I screamed that someone was coming out of said house and ran around the corner and hid.

Oh, and we also got to see our besties get married. Shout out Kat & Mat, a close second in greatest things I’ve ever seen in California. #WorthIt.

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