Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette S13 – Ranking the Contestants

Typically this is the most exciting part of the Bachelor(ette). Bios are released and we get to judge humans based on their LifeTouch yearbook photo and how they choose to answer stupid pre-written questions. After last season’s dolphin and mermaid obsessed ladytestants, it seems as though this process is beginning to go downhill. I used to rank all of the contestants, picking my winner before the season begins. I physically can’t do that anymore. There’s just too many duds. So instead, let’s point out all of the red flags before we meet them, shall we?! GREAT! Lezzz GoooOOOooooO.

*Total disclaimer: After going through these and essentially finding a problem with each contestant’s bio I think it’s become pretty clear why I never did online dating. NO ONE LOOKS GOOD ON PAPER. (Also, boys, it’s not that hard to look good on paper. You have infinite amount of time to think about your answer before writing it down. Be better.)

Hi I’m a RED FLAG, nice to meet ya!

Adam, 27

adam

The most romantic present he’s ever gotten was a birthday threesome. ROMANCE IS STILL ALIVE. He also used to cook 4 course meals for people in college and charge them. LOL!!!! (His words, not mine.) Sounds like a winner.

Alex, 28

alex

One time ate a live salamander. Nuff said.

Anthony, 26

anthony

Anthony calls himself “emotionally intelligent” and this isn’t normally a dealbreaker but I had immediate PTSD of last seasons’ Taylor vs. Corinne showdown and we don’t need another Taylor in this franchise. We understand that you read books and like rich mahogany, Ant. Don’t brag.

Blake E., 31

blakeE

Was engaged for 48 hours and wants to watch 50 Shades Darker because he likes “taboo sexy stuff.” Oh Blake E, you wily Ginger, you.

Brady, 29

brady

This actual, living Ken doll likes to go tackle snowmen for fun in his hometown. Also gets REAL fired up about The Situation, considering the Jersey Shore has been off the air for 5 years and the Situation is no longer “famous”.

Bryan, 37

bryan

Bryan is asked to list his 3 best attributes and lists 7. Follow simple directions, Bryan. Also, he’s old.

Bryce, 30

bryce

Describes himself in the bedroom as, “A fresh drink of water with a jolt of lightning.” Ok, Bryce. Also, is an elf. Not necessarily a red flag but definitely something to consider.

Dean, 26

dean

Has “righteous” tatted on his inner lip. Literally said he thinks marriage is a religious sham. Here’s to getting that ring, Rach!

Diggy, 31

diggy

Darties too hard every weekend for someone who is 31 and was once in a sex positions contest on spring break, whatever that means. Diggy=grown up frat boy. Those tortoise shell frames don’t fool me for a second. Don’t hate ’em though.

Fred, 27

Fred

Fred admits that sometimes he gets “aroused” at work and needs to go to his desk to hide his boner. Is Fred secretly 13, covering his boner jams with a Five Star Notebook? Where does he work? How often does this occur that it’s worthy of a Bach answer. YIKES.

Grant, 29

grant

His favorite magazine is Playboy. Wink face. BARF FACE, GRANT. BARF. FACE.

Jack Stone, 32

jackstone

The only jabroni who listed a full name that is certainly what he wants his stage name to be. The name’s Jack Stone, pleased to meet me.

joestone

Jamey, 32

jamey

His ideal mate is a model. Go F yourself, Jamey.

Jonathan, 31

jonathan

His occupation is listed as tickle monster, his favorite singers are Elvis Presley, Britney Spears and Flo Rida and he lasts a long time in bed. Ole tickleshits here is a walking red flag.

Kenny, 35

kenny

Kenny is a pro wrestler with a caveman tattooed on his chest. One time he got a girl Edible Arrangements and that was his most romantic gift. A FRUIT BASKET.

Kyle, 26

kyle

Kyle admitted that he’s blunt and doesn’t think before he speaks. Every man in this house will hate him and he’s top contender for this years’ villain. He also classified himself as an “athletic” lover. “LOL.” BOYS. STOP USING LOL IN YOUR ANSWERS. YOU ARE NOT 14 CHATTING ON AIM. YOU ARE TRYING TO FIND YOUR WIFE (sort of)

Lucas, 30

lucas

His occupation is listed as “Whaboom” and this is something that I don’t even want to Google. His pets consist of an ant farm and some fish and his ideal mate is Belle, Cinderella, Ariel and Jessica Rabbit all wrapped up into one. Lucas has a cartoon fetish and is one step away from the tickle monster for weirdest contestant ever.

Milton, 31

milton

Milton fessed up REAL quick that he just wants to be discovered. Hey Milton, that’s not how this works. You try REALLY hard to find love and then when you get kicked off you start hawking MVMT watches and looking for acting or modeling gigs. You don’t admit it in the interview process. Gawd. Rookie.

Lee, 30

lee

Not to stereotype but reading Lee’s bio gave me horrific flashbacks to the UnReal plot of bringing the deep south racist on as a contestant with the black bachelor and having her wear a confederate flag bikini on the first day.  Most likely to be racist: Lee. But seriously, he references his “mamaw” almost immediately. I’m just saying, it wouldn’t be the most SHOCKING thing in the world if Lee’s family has a little deep south racism ingrained in them.

And since I just ripped apart 90% of these dum dums, here’s my favorite from the lineup and my pick for the winner.

Demario, 30

demario

Demario is hawt, seems fun and works in a JT and Britney Spears denim outfit reference IN ADDITION TO a Bey and Jay relationship goals shout out in his bio. He knows how to be the right amounts of funny and passionate. He looks good on paper and probably without his shirt on. And THAT’s how you do it, bruhs. (Pls don’t @ me if he ends up being a total psycho.)

Now let’s roar with this HISTORICAL, RECORD BREAKING, MOST DRAMATIC SEASON EVER.

Click HERE if you want to read the full bios.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/1/17

1. SHE PLAYED THE FIDDLE.

This video is everything. The song itself made me want to go back to Galway and the video just hammered it home. I TOO WOULD LIKE TO IRISH STEP AND THROW DARTS IN A BAR WITH A LIVE FIDDLE. Props to Ed for just rolling around Ireland with a camera and acting like he wouldn’t get recognized by fans. What a sweetie.

2. Live with Ryan.

kellyryan

Knowing how much of a diva Kelly Ripa is this is the worst move Live could’ve ever made and I refuse to believe she was on board with it. Ryan Seacrest dominates everything that he does. I’ll never understand it because he’s suuuuuch a wiener but give Ryan Seacrest an inch and he’ll take a mile. Kelly who? She’ll be bumped by Sweeps.

3. Babybabybabybabybabayyyyyy.

Well this is just about the most adorable announcement ever. I mean the caption is a little queer but that photo is perfection.

4. Niall has Slow Hands.

Gone are the days when Niall had braces and was the most awkz bird of 1D. Look at how sultry that photo is. He’s so grown up and all about those dirty suggestive lyrics. “Slow, slow hands, like sweat dripping down that dirty laundry, no, no chance I’m leaving here without you on me.” WOOOOO. Niall comin in HAWT. I’m down with it. Gotta be brutally honest and say that Niall is winning the solo debut right now. Two out of two straight bangers from him–who would’ve thought?

5. Goldie & Kurt 4eva.

Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell honored with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, Los Angeles, USA - 04 May 2017

❤"The best thing to hold onto in life is each other." -Audrey Hepburn ❤

A post shared by Kate Hudson (@katehudson) on

I recently just wondered out loud why bomb movie star Goldie Hawn was making her acting comeback in a fiery hot garbage Amy Schumer movie. I’m willing to forget that for now just to talk about Kurt & Goldie getting Hollywood starred. I’ve been known to be somewhat of a curse when talking about long term Hollywood couples that I love (Ben & Jen, Joshua and Diane, etc.) but actually how cool is it that these two have been togets over 30 years in the cesspool that is Hollywood where relationships go to die. HASHTAG GOALS. Also, completely unrelated but definitely needs to be addressed…why is Quentin Tarantino so disgusting?

q

Who rolls up to a nice ceremony wearing a cutoff hoodie, jeans, and I can only assume shoebies because that’s to be expected with that getup. WTF, Q? Pull your shit together for one thing. Here’s Reese Witherspoon and Kate Hudson to give an eloquent speech in their formalwear, oh and here’s a homeless man we pulled off of the streets who looks like he smells like old cheese. Look at him straight lurking in the background behind Reese like someone who was walking by chugging from a brown bag and decided to photobomb this pic.

quentin

Alright I guess I’m done bullying someone who makes 1 trillion more dollars than me just for existing. HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND YA’LL!

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Red Carpet

Met Gala Red Carpet 2017

Last year was technology, the year before was China and this year’s theme is……….

Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garçons.

Huh? I don’t even know why the Met Gala has themes at this point because the Katy Perry’s, Madonna’s and Olsen Twin’s of the world are going to wear whatever weird shit they want and everyone else is going to slap on a gown. So rather than looking that phrase up, which I’m pretty sure is just an artist? I give you…this year’s fashion Halloween, from disasters of fabric explosions to regular red carpet looks.

WORST.

The Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art of the In-Between, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York, USA - 01 May 2017

Dunno who Pharell’s lady friend is but she’s wearing a literal cartoon drawn outfit. If she laid down in an empty room someone would mistake her for a couch. Also it appears as though she broke both of her feet and is walking in the boot you get from the hospital.

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Not even a little bit flattering.

The Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art of the In-Between, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York, USA - 01 May 2017

Quickest way to terrify me is by making your eyebrows disappear, CLAIRE.

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Ho hum, I’m just going to go to a fancy event HOLDING MY OWN HAIR.

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

A tuxedo jacket made for a baby.

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Oh, Katy. Go away pls.

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Maggie almost looks like she’s in pain. It pains her to be on a red carpet just as it pains us all to look at her slouching over with fabrics thrown on her body.

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Is Solange mocking me? Spring in NY literally IS me wearing my floor length winter puffy jacket until roughly June.

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Has Keri passed right before our very eyes? Legit question though. Did someone check to see if she was breathing?

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

No matter what anyone says about this, Lena will cry on the internet for 100 years. PS it’s ugly.

The Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art of the In-Between, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York, USA - 01 May 2017

Black swan makeup tutorial meets actual dead animal on your head.

The Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art of the In-Between, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York, USA - 01 May 2017

NO, MANDY!!! You were crushing it this year!!!!

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala

The annual glimpse of the Olsen Twins as they crawl out of their caves to stare into our souls. Props to them for not wearing black cloaks this year!

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Lingerie doesn’t count, Nicki.

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala

Is that paper glued to her head in place of hair?

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala

Karlie looking fresh AF to lead a board meeting.

The Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art of the In-Between, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York, USA - 01 May 2017

This looks like one of those eye tricks that you see at the circus or a magic show. WHAT HAPPENED TO HER BODY?! Oh never mind it’s just covered by weird disproportionate fabrics.

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

80’s prom.

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Better than literally showing everyone her bhole last year but also not really.

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala

Never thought I’d see Celine with a Courtney Love black smokey eye. She must be going through a rebellious phase.

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Sewing machine splosion.

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala

No thank you.

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

I mean it’s festive for cinco de mayo…

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala

John looks like a babe soda. Feathers are a little too much, Chriss-dawgz.

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

The center tie really gives this a gym outfit feel. #MetLeisureWear

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Sure, Kendall. Show us your RB curtz.

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Goodnight.

BEST.

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala

NO clue who this B is but I love this outfit.

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

This was originally on the worst list but then the more I stared at it I convinced myself to bump her up. I think it’s the tail cape, mostly I just want to touch it.

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

YoYo lookin like a dime!!!

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

I don’t think I’ve ever tossed a compliment Behati’s way (mostly because she stole Adam Levine from me) but she looks beautiful and not weird at all.

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala

1. This dress is kewl. 2. More importantly, LaLa just faced Melo and his cheating ass.

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala

High probability for a vag flash here but otherwise elegant.

The Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art of the In-Between, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York, USA - 01 May 2017

H8 the clown hair, love the dress.

The Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art of the In-Between, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York, USA - 01 May 2017

Could definitely do without the pink fur but the rest is 10’s.

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala

This dress makes me dizzy but I didn’t realize Elizabeth Banks has the body of a goddess.

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

All about this dress.

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Nick reppin the underwhelming males on the red carpet looking fresh as a MF’er.

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

I just respect the fact that Diddy is wearing that outrageous cape, tbh.

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala

Diane always looks good. (PS. I miss Pacey)

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala

Plaid suit swag for dayz.

The Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art of the In-Between, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York, USA - 01 May 2017

Priyanka fulfilling every man’s fantasy of the coat with nothing underneath. Not to be confused with a parking lot flasher. Much different.

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

I’m a sucker for pastels. Especially when they’re hard to find among these garbage wacky outfits.

The Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art of the In-Between, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York, USA - 01 May 2017

Selena with the Weeknd red carpet debut!!! Now just lose that pink eyeshadow…

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Again, seeking comfort in the simple & approps gowns.

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Throwing Paris Jackson a bone for keeping it classy.

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

This dress is kind of weird but this is my favorite color in the whole world so it works.

The Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art of the In-Between, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York, USA - 01 May 2017

MARY J FROM THE BLEACHERS! WOO GIRL.

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Again, never thought I’d give Cara a shoutout but I’m real into this metallic suit. Not so much the spraypainted head.

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Perfection.

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala

Surprisingly into the white top knot

The Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art of the In-Between, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York, USA - 01 May 2017

Reese can do no wrong.

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Mostly just focused on that amahzing cat eye and didn’t really look at the rest.

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

YaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAzzzzzSSSSSSSSSzzzzzzzzzzzz. Ryan’s bowtie perfectly matched her blue feathers, in case anyone was wondering.

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Pretty sure this was a callback to the last time Gwynnie graced the Met Gala wearing essentially the same dress. Still works. She’s probz still the same size too (eye roll, not bitter or anything.)

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

SUMMATIME. (This is the point where I’m running out of original things to say and I’m just going to start tossing out nonsense words.)

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

JLo all covered up. WHOA. ARod has changed her. Hey ARod: Beat it, nerd.

Best Dressed of the night and it ain’t even close…

The Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art of the In-Between, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York, USA - 01 May 2017

Why did anyone else even bother to show up?

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/24/17

1. Happy Birthday to me, from Harry Week.

Harry + James 43v3r, beginning May 15th, the day that I was born into this world. WHAT CRAZY ANTICS WILL THEY GET INTO?! You bet your bottom dollar I’m about to find out. I’m so excited that I’m not even thinking about how my sister, brother in law and boyf collectively RUINED his SNL appearance for me by continuously asking why I thought he was attractive. I’m choosing to ignore that STUPID question and get ready for new music and new lawlzzzz from this dynamic duo. PS: I lied. I’m not going to ignore that stupid question. Just look no further than the first three gifs I found on google. Any mood-Harry is sexy. Argument over.

2. Bye, Farmer Chris.

soulesmugshot

I can’t with the Bach contestants and how they treat their lives like a boozy adult summer camp. Go on dancing with the stars, “write” a book, promote MVMT watches on InstaG, go to paradise for 3 weeks to bang other bach family members #incest. Rinse, repeat. Well it looks like Farmer Chris done F’ed that up for himself. In the sketchiest recount of an accident I’ve ever heard apparently two trucks fell in a ditch and the driver of the other vehicle died. Then Chris ran away and hid at someone’s house until the cops provided a warrant to drag his ass to jail, where he took this v sober mugshot. YIKES. What would Chris Harrison say?

3. Bye, Dirty Dancing.

I previously shit all over this casting job when it was announced but now that they’ve actually released footage it deserves to be re-dumped on. Why ruin a classic? This seriously looks terrible and the fact that it’s a made for TV movie says everything. Yes that’s right, calling it a “great television event” doesn’t change the fact that it’s a higher budget Lifetime movie. Don’t you dare disgrace Patrick Swayze and his magic hips like that. They’re sambaing in his grave as he ROLLS OVER.

4. Hi, Blake & Ryan.

blaketime100

Blake & Ryan hit the red carpet making me uncontrollably drool all over and I needed to talk about it obviously. This dress is pretty ugly but it’s Blake and I still gasped when I saw her. That’s all. Carry on.

5. Don’t trust Ja Rule to organize a festival.

Ja created Fyre Festival on an island in the Bahamas where tickets were like 1200 bucks and he promoted it with a bunch of models on yachts but like guess what? It was a heaping pile of hot garbage. Or in the words of every update from it today: MASS CHAOS! It’s a good thing the target audience for this shitshow wasn’t millennials addicted to social media… oh wait…

fyrefestival

Definitely looks like a once in a lifetime experience! Hey Ja Rule, how about you stop pretending you’re the next music festival mogul and get back to popping out bangerz with Ashanti. The jig is up. You’re embarrassing yourself. Also, not to be glossed over–anyone who bought tickets to this event based on a rap music video promo with models shaking their T&A:

khaled

BRING US INTO THE WEEKEND JA!

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Red Carpet

ACM’s Red Carpet 2017

Country hits Vegas AND we’re finally getting closer to country music season so I’m all in on it again. Here’s the best and the worst of bedazzled belts and aggress spray tans.

WORST

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

The boyf is determined to start dressing like the FGL jabroni on the left and I cannot hit it home any harder that these two are fashion disasters. There is never an event where it is approps to wear a literal denim tuxedo with a hat that ridiculous. I rest my case.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Father Sam Hunt?

cassadee

Kewl bra.

kacey

Sweet butt bow.

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WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

YIKES, Lady A. What’s with the 70’s theme?

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Scotty. We meet again.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

There’s something about the skintight khakis that’s really throwing me off my game here. It’s like khaki leggings. Kheggings?

US-ENTERTAINMENT-MUSIC-COUNTRY-ARRIVALS

Ok dude. Do less.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Never pegged Kellie to be boring AF on the red carpet. Spice it up girl, it’s Vegas. Go crazy!

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Don’t go this crazy. My eyes are bleeding out of their sockets.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Blech.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

I have no words for this floral ‘splosion.

BEST

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Throwing Nicole and Keith a bone here because they usually look like garbage on top of garbage.

timfaithScreen Shot 2017-04-02 at 10.19.24 PM

Red carpet look is kind of meh for Faith. Because she straight knocked me out during her duet. Seriously how is she that skinny? Also they both don’t age even for a second.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Baby Rhett’s going to be a stunner.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Favorite minty colors and dubz braid. Kelsea knows just what I like. I was all yaaassss…until she changed into a casj ice dancer for her performance. Yikes.

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52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Shoutout to Jason, this jacket is trendy AF. Wifey belongs in a Vegas club and that is NOT a compliment.

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BEWBS. No but seriously, Miranda looks good and gave Carrie a run for her money in the legs dept during her boring ass performance.

luke

Luke can never look bad and that seems obvious.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

No joke I actually got an undie slushee looking at this.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

This color is springy and perf.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Classy AF.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Embroidery’s a little weird but the rest is F-U-N!

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Cole “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” Swindell. Coordinated hat and suit game is flyyyy.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

I guess this is a new thing that Carrie’s doing at awards show. She’s not about giving everyone a peep at her legs before the main event. Whatever, I respect it, I guess. Mostly because I literally drooled when she hit the stage in the first few minutes, legz blazin.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Damn, Reba can get it!

Best look of the night goes to Carrie’s legs and it ain’t no competition:

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 3/27/17

I took a self-imposed hiatus because Hollywood has been BORING AF lately. It’s pretty selfish of celebrities to not give me something to razz them about, honestly. Lucky for you I found just enough to get back in the saddle this week. HAPPY WEEKEND!

1. FINALLY.

SIGN.OF.THE.TIMES // 7.APRIL.17 //

A post shared by @harrystyles on

Our ears will be blessed next Friday with the only real solo act to come out of 1D that anyone should care about. Harry’s done pretending to be a serious actor and he better DELIVER on the music front after we had to wait this long. Mysterious wading in the water photo isn’t really giving us much but thank God it has already been announced that he’ll be the musical guest on SNL 4/15, with host Jimmy Fallon. Fingers crossed that JFall’s Harry meets real Harry in a skit, or we riot.

2. Whoa, baby.

Babymooning and pretending my blended lemonade is a margarita 🌴👶🏼🌙🍹

A post shared by Lauren Conrad (@laurenconrad) on

Pregnant bellies kind of freak me out. Mostly because like, there’s a human in there and if I push too hard will it die? This is something I may never know. So preggers people rocking bikinis at the beach usually gives me the heebie jeebies. The minute I see a baby arm or leg move like it’s taking over your body I’M OUTTA THERE. But of course, leave it to LC to make pregnancy chic as hell. Perfect mani, cocktail and beach scene=realistic look at pregnancy.

3. Batting UP.

Look, ARod’s kind of a loser. He could never compare to Jeets and it’s embarrassing how obsessed he is with himself. But let’s be clear, there’s nothing more embarrassing than a nobody (who is this biddy?) telling you that you’re outkicking your coverage in a major way. Girl thinks she’s being cutesy with the sports reference but ain’t nothing gonna cover the fact that she straight up told ARod to his face that he’s not good enough for Jenny from the block. Facts only. Also they’ve been dating a casual 3 weeks so like maybe slow your roll with yapping about her on a talk show. She just got done banging Drake. It’s not going to last. Especially since you’re, hitting out of your weight class? IS THAT HOW YOU SAY IT? LOLOLOLOL. PS unrelated but kind of related…the 3 no name hosts plus Joy Behar saying that JLo liking chocolate chip cookies is breaking news made my eyes roll out of my skull and halfway across the room. HOW IS THIS SHOW STILL ON TV?

4. WHERE IS SUMMER.

AVAILABLE NOW! 🕺🏻#CravingYou ft. @marenmorris

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Despite the fact that it’s rain/snowing in New York for THE NEXT TWO DAYS…I’m going to jam out to this new Thomas Rhett number and pretend warm weather is just around the corner. Ignore the fact that little hoebot Maren is featured on this. Pretend it’s his perfect wifey instead.

5. PUPPY BOUQUETS!

© Discover Love Studios - Brittany Boland - www.discoverlovestudios.com

This has literally nothing to do with anything other than the fact that it was an article on People today but if I’m in your wedding party and you don’t give me a puppy to take pictures with, you’re essentially dead to me. Group photos for weddings are the WORST. The way photographers direct women to pose is only setting us up for failure. “Blow a kiss”, “Walk toward the camera with sass” “Kick your foot up in the air” results in me looking like an awkward giraffe with my mouth open and/or eyes closed 98% of the time. Congrats on getting married, whose that weird bird who ruined all of your professional photos?! …is what I imagine everyone says when they view the final product. (Just me? Whatever) Either way, it’s IMPOSSIBLE to look like a spazz when you have a cuddly baby puppy wuppy in your arms.

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© Discover Love Studios - Brittany Boland - www.discoverlovestudios.com© Discover Love Studios - Brittany Boland - www.discoverlovestudios.com

 

BONUS: Throwback Eye Candy, Love always, Mandy

Bucket Hat=Pure SEX.

DUBZ BONUS: LOL to the fact that Melissa Joan Hart is suddenly all omg I totally should’ve dated Ryan Reynolds back in the day. HE’S BLAKE’S MAN. BACK OFF, SABRINA. (That hair though.)

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The Bachelor – IT’S ALL OOOOO-VERRRR

 

Clap, clap, CLAPCLAPCLAP. I am elated that this season has finally come to a close. What did you miss in the 15 solid minutes of content that were dragged out over three monstrous hours? I THOUGHT YOU WOULD NEVER ASK.

Nick starts the episode with some skipping with elves so you KNOW things are going to get spicy. Spicy, meaning ABC flew Nick’s parents and ¼ of his 500 siblings out to Finland to meet these lassies and probably not take it seriously because they’ve been through this twice now. Raven’s up first and if you recall she already met the fam so she basically has a leg up over Vanessa, cause her and Bella are rollerskating, soccer-loving besties. Mostly because Raven has the IQ of a 12 year old but that’s neither here nor there.

Vanessa sweeps into the room full of Nick sibs and puts on her best acting chops to talk about how amazing her relationship is with Nick and it’s believeable AF until she tells Nick’s mom on the side that she can’t see herself not being with Nick at the end of this but isn’t ready to be engaged. Catch 22. Nick’s mom hopes she gets the answers she’s looking for. Which is a mom way of saying, find someone else’s son to marry because we don’t want you. Nick’s dad cries a lot and suddenly it all adds up. Vanessa cries because she senses that she should. They hug it out and mix tears.

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Vanessa and Nick ride horses through the snow for their last date as a peeping Tom dressed as old tymey Santa watches them from behind a tree. Creeper Santa lives in an outhouse in the forest and does not speak English immediately, which makes for an awks communication barrier with the jolly fella. He magically switches to English right around the same time Vanessa snuggles into his beard and things get real weird. They both wish for love and instead get a piece of carved wood. Santa works in mysterious ways. What a rascal.

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Later they’re making out and suddenly Vanessa is sobbing because Nick is also dating Raven. He keeps kissing her anyway. Interesting comforting tactic.

Raven and Nick do some ice-skating, cause like skating’s their thang. Since I’m bored to tears, this is the point where I convince myself and my sister that they’re not actually in Finland, they’re probably just on a movie lot in California because they shed their coats A LITTLE TOO MUCH for it being the dead of winter in Finland. Stay woke. BUT THEN THEY PLAY WITH PUPPIES!!! This is the only thing that’s piqued my attention this entire episode. Seriously, more puppies please. Can he give her a puppy instead of a ring? The least the loser should get is a baby Husky, honestly. Later Nick tells Raven he’s proud of her for being there (?) and Raven says that this stuff shouldn’t happen to a girl from Hoxie, Arkansas. So I guess you’re not allowed to date in Arkansas. Or orgasm.

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The man of the hour (or 3), Neil, rolls up and announces that everyone is rooting for Nick to make it work this time. Don’t speak for us, Neil. Don’t you DARE put words in our mouths. Raven doesn’t get that ring because she gets out of the limo first and in TYPICAL shitty breakup fashion, Nick allows her to give her entire speech of love, gives his own and then sneaks in a goodbye covered in tears. At least he’s consistent at being a terrible dumper this season. She barely sheds a tear meanwhile Nick is drowning in his own. He tells Raven that he’s going to miss her and she replies “I know.” YOU GO GIRL! No seriously though, go…back to Hoxie cause that accent is KILLIN ME.

Side note: Nick must get a paycheck every time he mumbles on TV that it didn’t work out with Andi or Kaitlyn because the name drop count is FAR TOO high for one episode. I hope for Bachelor Nation’s precious livers that this wasn’t turned into a drinking game.

Anywho, in the grand finale Nick tells Vanessa he loves her through tears and she looks like she’s in pain. He proposes and she ugly sobs all over the ring. CRY CRY CRY. I wanted to cry every time I wasted time on this stupid mouth breathing dum dum this season but I held my shit together and he couldn’t give us the same courtesy. Enjoy your next three months togets you wah-wahing fools.

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PS this sweater is hideous.

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PPS Nick still looks stupid in a hat. People don’t forget.

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LET’S PROLONG THIS WITH AN AFTER SHOW

Raven comes out and everyone says the word stoic to describe her reaction at least 4 times each. I would never in a million years apply the word stoic to Raven. What a scam. She went through phenomenal PR training though because she rambles scripted answers to each stupid question about if she supports Nick and Vanessa as a couple like a champ. She will be on paradise, of course.

Vanessa’s solo interview just consists of her convincing us all that they love each other but also that their relationship is hard AF and probably won’t last. The same can be said for their duet interview. We get it, life after fake life is hard and your shelf life has already expired.

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The DRAMATIC twist of the night that Chris Harrison teased since 8PM is that Rachel’s season starts onstage in front of everyone, which is totally not awkward at all. White guy Dean says he’s “ready to go black and he’s never going to go back” and all of America cringes. Live TV and racial jokes all rolled into one. What a package deal. I’m sure no one will have any thinkpieces about that. ABC alternates four contestants black, white, white, black because they have to. Rachel basically does the Carlton with the last contestant of the evening and I’ve never felt more of the uncomfies. In my sister’s words, “I’m hiding under my blankets hoping this ends.” And that’s pretty much how next season will go if Rachel keeps this up with the awksies.

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