Salty Stories

Thirty, Flirty & Full of Anxiety.

Your life is over when you’re thirty. That’s what my older sister used to say. I think she started saying it in her teen years when 30 was SUUUPER far away. She was a fun party girl who could befriend a rock and I think she assumed the party would be over when she hit thirty. All I know is that I heard this so many times, I started to believe it. Thirty is when life gets a little more boring. You’re past the happy hours that turn into nights you come stumbling home at 2am shoving pizza into your pizza hole. You’ve got a stable job that has probably become a little stale and boring. You’re starting to settle down maybe by getting married, buying a house, perhaps having kids? When my sister turned 30 I laughed directly in her face and told her that her life was over because that was what she always said, right? And now that I’m 30, I’m hitting a very hard realization that I’d much rather be “boring” if it meant that I had everything she has. If you had asked dramatic emo teen Julia who whined in her journal every night where she’d be at 30? She would’ve said career, house, hubs, dog & maybe a kid on the way. See below for my 12 year old fantasies of my wedding:

Well folks, that couldn’t be further from my reality. In fact, even typing that out felt like I was writing a fictional fairytale. So now that I’ve gotten real with y’all, I’m gonna do what I do best. I’m taking my crushing insecurities about reaching a whole new decade and being nowhere near where I wanted to be in life, and spinning it into laughs. It’s a little thing we in the biz of comedy like to call a coping mechanism. Let me tell you, it’s a whole lot healthier to poke fun at myself through the written word and let us all giggle it out together than it is to drown my sorrows in rosé, which I will probably also do later on tonight so DON’T JUDGE ME. Anyway, for this milestone birthday I recruited most of my family members to coordinate a photoshoot one might have for a baby turning 1 so that I could get glammed up, overserve myself some champs and pretend I’m a model in downtown Syracuse. Then I jetted off to the West Coast to guarantee there wouldn’t be snowfall on my blessed day of birth and *hopefully* reenact LC & Lo partying at Les Deux with my bestie Kat. (TBD if Les Deux is still open or if partying is allowed post-covid but I was willing to shoot my shot.) And last but certainly not least, I’ve whipped up this blog for your entertainment. Rather than focus on the things I haven’t accomplished yet…

The Salty Ju’s Biggest Failures (as determined by where she wanted to be by age 30): 

-Laid off and on her third round of unemployment in the past 8 years.

-Has moved 11 times since she turned 18. (Not including the parents’ moves)

-Most certainly does not own a home.

-Does not own a car.

-Has not paid off college loans.

-Does not have a dog or offspring.

-Single AF.

-Severely lacking a career. And also, as noted above: a job. (Editor’s Note: this was factual when this was written but as of post date, ya gurl has a job so HA. Career to follow.)

I’ve decided to list out Thirty things I HAVE accomplished. Since this is completely subjective to what I FEEL is an accomplishment rather than what the outside world tells me SHOULD be an accomplishment, you’re in for a real wild ride through my dumb brain. BUCKLE YO’ SEATBELTS. (Wine may or may not have been consumed in the making of this list.)

30. Smoked hookah, drank white Russians and played tonsil hockey with a bartender in Spain. All in one night, BOOYAH. Also, I was 15 (but I said I was 17, duh.) Hot start. My parents are already proud of this list, I can tell. Fernando, if you’re still out there…you tried to swallow my head whole and I hope you’ve learned how to dial it back on the tongue usage otherwise T’s and P’s for your wife. Having to take a shamwow to your face after every smooch is less than desirable.

29. KFC Said I Was Funny. This is a very niche audience accomplishment but it was a turning moment for the sake of my “brand.” As an avid follower and fan of Barstool since I was 17, my favorite blogger through the years and the one whose angry and spiteful rants inspired me to finally strike out and start publishing my own angry and spiteful rants *about celebs* was KFC. He used to blog on the side at his full time job as an accountant and when I finally caved and started The Salty Ju, I was writing TV show recaps while I temped at Boston College. I’d do an expense report then look around and switch over to WordPress to talk about how unhealthy Kim and Kyle’s relationship was on RHOBH. After shooting a tweet to KFC saying I felt like him leading a double blog life, he followed me on Twitter. I geeked out like nobody’s biz. But that will never compare to me going to the KFC Radio live podcast in Boston and hitting up the meet and greet afterward with KFC not only recognizing who I was but also shouting “The Salty Ju! You’re funny, girl!” Music to my ding dang dong ears. My blog was FRE$H on the streets and not only was I being recognized as the Salty Ju but I was being recognized by my fave blogger of AWL time. It was an ultimate starstruck moment and I told every single person I knew. No one QUITE understood why it was such a big deal but it was to me. Would’ve been chill as hell if that compliment rolled into a job at Barstool but that’s just not the way the cookie crumbled (despite my several attempts). So at least we’ll always have that magical night when The Salty Ju became known to Boston as ~*~FuNnY~*~. Tysm to my OG Saratoga bestie Alex for not only agreeing to go to this show without knowing a single thing about Barstool because everyone else bailed on me, but also turning into a straight up paparazzi to catch the palpable energy of me attempting and failing to keep my chill all over a bunch of bloggers/podcasters. It’s probably for the best that I never meet Taylor Swift if this is how I acted around normies.

28. Accounting Superstar. I worked on a film set for exactly 4 weeks before Covid shut the world down and it took me exactly one week into production to win my first award. I know, I know, it’s like I was put on this planet to impress others. How did I get this award, you ask? Oh, I filled out all of my HR paperwork in a timely manner. Although I probably should’ve received a star cameo in said film, what I did receive was my photo hanging outside of the accounting office and a big ole bag of Syracuse’s finest salt potatoes. I try to stay humble but honestly once you win Accounting Superstar it’s like is there even anywhere else to go in life? 

27. Saw N*SYNC live in their P*RIME. N*SYNC is the greatest boy band of all time and Justin Timberlake is the greatest performer of all time so seeing their glorious choreography and flashy coordinated outfits with my own two peepers was an all-time moment. What made it even more memorable was the fact that it almost never happened because I was a little a-hole (shocking, I know) and my parents took the tix away from me. Plot twist, they felt so guilty for killing this dream for my sister and I that they rebought a second set of tix so we could go after all. And now it’s making my life accomplishment list so I GUESS IT WAS WORTH IT AFTER ALL, MOM AND DAD. (Update: my dad shared that he was much more educated for his second ticket purchase and got better seats right next to where N*SYNC appeared to kick off the show so just goes to show that bad behavior pays off.)

26. Reenacted Weekend at Bernies all for a Yanks spring training game in Florida. There’s no one more desperate for some vitamin D in an upstate winter than the girl who will fly down to Florida for a weekend while also dying a slow death from Mono. Soldiered through though thanks to the dream team propping me up—literally. Touched mad stingrays, took mad naps & saw Jeets and that toight ass play one last time before he retired.

25. Learned how to grill like a Pitmaster. I may have exaggerated a little bit there but I didn’t think knowing how to grill stuff was an accomplishment until I realized that most of my friends and all of the women in my family are not grill savvy. So now I feel preeettttyyyy cool about the fact that I can grill a dawg like nobody’s biz. Last summer under the advisement of my v. grill talented brother-in-law I even made myself a mean sirloin that straight melted in my mouth. CHEF’S KISS. What a solid life talent it is to be able to fire up the grill and BBQ some meats. I may make 90% of my meals in an air fryer but oh buddy, when summer comes, I sure know my way around a grill.

24. Went to a Rave (twice) and lived to tell the tale. This is the most out of body experience I’ve ever had. Literally because I drank so much that I vacated my body. Can’t call myself a true 90’s chick until I’ve attended a rave and I had absolutely no business being there. The first Barstool Blackout I missed the memo that girls essentially attend nude with some neon accents and made myself the below VERY sexy oversized men’s neon tee with a bunch of barstool catchphrases on it. I then took the theme way too seriously and blacked out for the first time in my life. Fell down an entire flight of stairs and lost all of my belongings including my fake ID that I demanded my sister replace. At least I still had my dignity, amirite?! Not. Round 2 resulted in a much cuter homemade shirt and a harsh realization that I had already aged out of this phase and standing in a sea of sweaty neons tripping their faces off was not my idea of a good time. Tough stuff, lesson learned. On the bright side: Blackout 2.0 occurred the night after the Boston Marathon bomber was finally captured and arrested so the rave was kicked off with Darth Vader leading the entire crowd in scream-singing the National Anthem in hands down one of the most patriotic moments ever. Still out on raves, tho.

23. Made this masterpiece. Once you learn that this was the FINAL project that I did to earn myself a Bachelor of Arts degree, it really puts things into perspective about how much of a joke college actually is. Not only was this music video inspired by a bunch of Taylor Swift lyrics, it was also just my backup plan. After spending an entire semester planning a completely different project, traveling to another college 3 hours away to film it, then promptly dropping the camera and ruining all of my footage…this music video was made in 2 weeks right down to the deadline wire after I begged my sister and her husband to help a girl out. I think we all know why I never became a filmmaker. 

22. Two-Time Scavenger Hunt Champ. If there is a themed scavenger hunt taking place in a downtown area that includes drinking, you can bet your ass my sister and I will participate and dominate that B. Although our Jesse and the Rippers team showed a lot of heart in the 90’s pub crawl, it was Team USA in the Olympic pub crawl and Team Who Let the Dogs Out in the Pup Crawl that were my two championship moments. Adult bevvies were consumed, clues were found, photos were taken & prizes were won. Although, once we found out our Olympics prize for Best Dressed was tickets to the circus, we told them to give those to a family in need. #Charity #ItsJustAboutTheThrillOfWinning

21. Pooped my pants as an adult 3 times. First time is an accident, second and third times…it’s a problem. That level of humiliation really humbles you. It’s a badge of honor that I wear proudly. I’ll spare you the messy deets but take comfort in the fact that each accident was mortifying in the moment, but hilarious to recount afterward. Sorry not sorry that I’m thirty years old and ANY story that involves a fart gone wrong will have me in full tears.

20. Learned how to not be terrified of babies. I may not have mastered how to control my bowels as a grownup but I’m very proud to say that when my little niece-monster was born, I was forced to adapt to the baby lifestyle. Since her father abandoned her a week into her life for a Mexican “work trip”, I got a crash course on feeding, burping, changing & making sure her neck was supported as hell. S/O to my little Babs for making me an Auntie and also twinning, selfie’ing & dancing with me.

19. Graduated College. I don’t really feel like this is that large of an accomplishment because it’s essentially 4 years that I’ll be paying off for the rest of my gosh darn life but the fact that I graduated college in a hurricane wearing 100 layers underneath my soaked robe and my hat literally flew off as I walked across the stage…that was priceless. Shout out to my entire family who also sat outside in a monsoon just to watch me receive an empty folder and cry about it afterward. It was the worst day ever and now that I look back (hindsight’s 20/20, yo) it was for sure an omen to my future. BUT I’M STILL KICKIN!

18. Climbed 463 *very* narrow steps to the top of the Duomo in Florence. You’ll notice that this is on the list and hiking a volcano isn’t because it was 100x harder than that hike and also way more claustrophobic so I take more pride in this one. I’m guessing our Italian homies in the 1400’s did not build the Duomo with thousands of tourists trekking through its narrow passageways in mind. 

17. Partied all night before a flight. This is one of those things that you get talked into when you’re inebriated and looking back I would probably never fall for it again. On my last night in Florence closing up my semester abroad, my friend and I were painting the town buzzed and decided to never let the fun end. We stayed out all night bar hopping and traipsing the streets of Firenze then stopped back home to grab our suitcases and share a cab to the airport in the morning. Would’ve been smooth sailing to just pass out on my flight back to the US of A except that Italy had one of their many infamous transportation strikes that day which led me to a 6 hour bus ride to Rome to re route my flights. Wanna know what a 6 hour bus ride feels like when you start to sober up? It feels like the seventh circle of hell. Was it worth it? My heart says yes but my intestines said nope. (Surprisingly, this was NOT one of the three times I’ve crapped my pants. Close call tho.)

16. Lived with a boy. This is smack dab in the middle of my list because it is CERTAINLY an accomplishment that I was able to cohabitate with a boy and yet if you’ll recall from above I’m very single so obviously it wasn’t the greatest success story. HOWEVER, knowing how neurotic, OCD and clean I am and how I’ve done everything in my power to never have roomies again due to my very specific way of living, I’d still call it an all-around win. The bennies far outweighed the negatives on sharing a small dwelling with a smelly boy. Also important to note: this occurred pre-pandemic. Throw a panny in the mix and all bets are off on co-habitating.

15. Bought a couch. The couch saga of 2020 is one that will go down in history as a real shitshow. It includes being persuaded to buy a used couch I didn’t want just because the guy was hot, reselling it a week later, checking way too many furniture stores, roping everyone I know into the dramatic process and then FINALLY finding the grey couch I wanted for a budget price. This isn’t just a couch, this is a symbol of my independence, GURRRLLLLL.

14. Peed in the ocean. Anyone who knows how I have crippling pee anxiety understands what an accomplishment this was for me. It was such a monumental moment that I literally cried out into the ocean breeze, “I’M DOING IT!!!!” Totes understand why everyone quickly swam away.

13. Rosé on Broadway. Bringing in unlucky number 13 on the ole accomplishment list because as everyone knows it was the greatest wine festival ever planned to never ever take place. My addiction to pink wine and all things basic betch drinking festivals allowed me to create this bangpiece of an event that maybe one day people will actually buy tickets to attend.

12. Held a Joey & Fed A Giraffe. Call me Joe Freakin’ Exotic because nothing makes me happier than cuddling/interacting with wild animals. TYSM to the trash-hole backyard zoo in ‘Nango for giving me all of the opportunities to embrace my inner Bindi Irwin, sans khakis.

11. Survived the Great Zucchini Toss of 2019. The world (and more specifically, my hibachi chef) tried to take me out at my own 28th birthday dinner, but I said IT’S NOT MY TIME YET. One perfectly arc’ed raw zucchini took a smooth dive right into my trachea and I sucked air and sputtered with wide panicked eyes until I eventually gakked it up underneath the table. Not only did I learn that not a single soul in that restaurant was even remotely concerned that I was choking to death, but also my favorite simple pleasure of an onion volcano on fire being pushed around an open grill while a chef shouts CHOO CHOO will forever be marred by this incident. No more Hibachi birthdays.

10. Explored Porto Solo Dolo. I’m not the type of person who is confident enough to grab dinner alone or see a movie with me, myself and I. So on a trip to Portugal with my dad and his work colleagues, when I was left to my own devices for the day I was ready to just hide in the hotel room and read my trashy novel. But I decided to face my fears and explore a foreign country by my lonesome and boy am I glad I did. I worked on my “stop thinking everyone is always staring at you” mentality and even stepped directly into the ocean in my sneakers trying to get a self timer pic of me beachin it up. Crushed it.

9. Shot a gun. It was A W E S O M E. Shouts to the Poultney gang who helped facilitate this and trusted me to operate a firearm 30 seconds after meeting me. Double shouts to my friend Kass who realized how important it was to document every second of my transformation to a country girl for the gram.

8. Got rejected more in one year than probably most of you have in your entire lifetime. This is a sore subject, cause on the one hand I’ve cried my face off about it way too many times. HOWEVER, positive spin—I can probably handle rejection better than the average person now. You don’t get stomped down every day for a year and not come out stronger, amirite? Plus check out my sick Wall of Rejection that I made to keep me humble. It’s strategically placed behind me so that if I never look back, it’s almost as if it never happened. HA. TAKE THAT, REJECTION! (Also, a framed photo of me dancing in a sunflower field because I dance right in the face of people telling me no.)

7. Biked 20 Miles. When I first started dusting off the ole wheels a few years ago, a five mile bike ride was more than enough for me to feel athletic but not actually exert myself. Biking to drinks was my MO, especially when I was gifted my adorbs teal beach cruiser. It was more of a lifestyle than an achievement. Then quarantine hit and I realized I had no goals on the horizon so I told myself I would bike 20 miles by the end of the summer. It took me MUCH longer than that. Going from a few miles up to 20 was not easy breezy but I stuck with it through all the trials and tribulations (of which there were many) and finally nailed a 20 miler. RIP to my lady bits.

6. Picked out, hauled in & decorated my own Christmas Tree. Nothing brings me more satisfaction than the look on my neighbor’s face as she peeping tom’ed through her upstairs window at me hoisting a robust pine tree over my shoulder and dragging it through my front door. Ya that’s right, betch, JUST CALL ME PAUL BUNYAN. The tree looked and smelled majestic for two whole months and I got to send everyone I know an OBNOXIOUS solo Christmas card to brag about my accomplishment.

5. Created The Salty Ju six years ago and have now maintained it for longer than any job I’ve ever had. Can you imagine if I didn’t have a highly esteemed platform that I pay an annual fee for to share this ICONIC list?! That’s not a world I want to live in. Thank GAWD I invented The Salty Ju. 

4. Published by a humor site thus allowing me to refer to myself as a comedy writer unironically. This was a BIG moment for ya girl. Blogging was a hobby and my audience was my immediate family and friends. Once I was published by an outside source, I could officially call myself a writer and there’s a slight chance I really overused it. In case you missed it…here’s my claim to fame. And also my second published piece that was rejected by everyone else so a blog called Rejected Writers threw me a bone. STILL COUNTS. I’M A COMEDY WRITER!

3. Saved Money. Just a couple of years ago I was going into the back room at work to call Bank of America and yell at them for drilling me with maintenance fees because my “savings account” dipped below $300. I got stuck in a cycle of those dirty MF’ers just repeatedly taking what very little money I had. I think at one point I got so mad that I told them it would be more beneficial for me to have a piggy bank at this point with the way they’re punishing me for being poor. Anyway, I tell you that sob story to make you realize that ever since I graduated college, I’ve lived paycheck to paycheck—typically with multiple jobs. For the first time ever I have a savings account and it feels good as hell so suck on THAT, BANK OF AMERICA.

2. Wrote a book. A national shutdown and almost two years of unemployment can really take you to new levels of boredom. For a type A chick like me, I just did everything I could to stay busy, which included writing a collection of my personal essays and compiling them into a whole ass book. It may not be published (yet) but it is one of the greatest accomplishments of my life and I feel pretty freakin awesome that I did it. I taught myself everything there is to know about submitting to publishers and agents, formatting into a manuscript and thanks to my family, I even got my own collector’s edition (art by my fave cousin Ray Ray.) Maybe one day it’ll be sold at a bookstore near you (or like…Amazon) and then I can call myself an AUTHOR too. 

1. Got a REAL DEAL job. I purposefully left #1 open as I crafted this blog over several weeks and wouldn’t you know it, in a total Hail Mary down to the buzzer moment, ya girl got offered a job before entering a new decade of life. WHAT A SUCCESS STORY! Since October 23, 2019, I’ve applied to 215 jobs and had 50 interviews. I’ve updated my resume countless times. I’ve joined networking groups and mentoring groups. I’ve had zoom meetings with strangers “just to connect.” I’ve walked into places and asked if they’re hiring. I’ve been served some cold rejection emails and I’ve been straight up ghosted after interviews. I took a one week hiatus in late January after a particularly rough rejection to cry a lot, binge Real Housewives of NY and contemplate the meaning of life with Disney Pixar’s Soul. And then I kept crushing my own soul by applying to more jobs. Let that be a lesson to all of you, if you try REALLY REALLY hard to get a job for a solid year and a half, you just might finally snag one. Or in my case, two. When it rains, it pours, amirite?! So cheers to the Dirty 30 beginning with a new adventure in the Dirty Jerze. Say dirty again. THE SALTY JU TAKES THE DIRTY JERZE COMING TO A THEATER NEAR YOU THIS SUMMER!

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Playlist

Gold Coast Grooves

At the end of this week I’m going West Coast so I can finally immerse myself in the land of red carpets and SUNSHINE. In order to remove myself from the grey, hoard bitch mentality that I have as a New Yorker and really get into LaLaLand mode, I decided to create a kickass California-themed playlist. And since my life is also content for the internet, I wanted to share these Gold Coast Grooves with you! (If I’m going to LA, I’ll need to play the part of influencer and that’s pretty damn obvious.) So even though you won’t be joining me on my journey across the country, you can MUSICALLY! *It is important to note that it must be REAL nice to live in a state where every musician on this earth wants to write songs about it because it’s just so warm and fuzzy and beautiful. Look up songs about New York and you’ll find gems like THIS:

God, Californians are lucky. Alright you scumbags and maggots, let’s transport ourselves to a better place, shall we?!

  1. Party in the USA – Miley Cyrus. I will absolutely not for a damn second apologize when I inevitably film myself getting off the plane to the beat of “hopped off the plane at LAX.” Miley Cyrus may have foam fingered her way out of America’s hearts with her tongue wagging loosely but she created a national treasure with this song. It’s IMPOSSIBLE to listen to it and not immediately be in the best mood so this is the perfect song to get my California party started. And guess what, I’m gonna wear the hell out of my kicks, because I AM from out of town.
  2. Beverly Hills – Weezer. CURVEBALL. Just trying to not get a big head right off the bat on this trip. California may be home to zillions of celebrities but I need to remember that I’m trash and I’ll never afford their lifestyle. In fact, I spent weeks bargain-hunting just for an economy flight to visit their state. Even though I’m the opposite of famous and basically live in a dumpster, I’ve learned from Weezer how to be aspirational and wish for the finer things. Shoe-in for instagram caption: Take my picture by the pool, cause I’m the next big thing.
  3. California Dreamin’ – The Mama’s & The Papa’s. Gotta keep it real here and say that I put this at the top of the playlist mostly to get it out of the way. It’s one of those songs that can get a liiiiiitttle annoying (a little annoying) but also hits the theme right on the nose and it would’ve been criminal not to pay my respects to my elders and include it. Also, “all the leaves are brown & the sky is grey” has never more perfectly summed up living in New York. When I was supposed to be in California this time last year (thanks Covid) it was snowing…so yeah…really dreaming it up about being safe and warm.
  4. All I Wanna Do – Sheryl Crow. Inject Sheryl Crow yapping about how this ain’t no disco, this is LA right into my veins. I love a good anthem about day drinking, especially because since this is my vacation, much day drinking will be accomplished. If I haven’t had at least one adult bevvy before noon each day, I’m not doing it right. Did I just confuse traveling to California with a literal bender? Yeah, I guess so, but I really wanna watch the sun come up on the Santa Monica Boulevard through boozy eyes. Just kidding, if I’m drinking during the day there’s not a chance in hell I’m awake past 8pm. Sheryl’s an animal.
  5. California Love – 2Pac, Roger, Dr. Dre. We’re bringing it back to another west coast classic. I know it can seem like somewhat of a betrayal to shout out 2Pac when I’m obviously an East Coaster/Team Biggie, but this song slaps so pls don’t put a hit out on me, anyone who still might be harboring rap gang rivals. I believe in world where we can love Biggie and 2Pac and also, 2Pac is 90000% in the witness protection program so, sup.
  6. Hotel California – The Eagles. REALITY CHECK TIME! Taking it down low for a hot minute to remind everyone that California is a beautiful wasteland of famous people that are stuck in a prison of their own twisted troubles. BUT OH BABY IS THIS SONG SUH GOOD that I don’t even care about the dark contextual undertones. Good news for me, I’m very much NOT famous so I can check out anytime I like and ALSO leave.
  7. California – Phantom Planet. Hi, I’m a millennial and therefore all of my preconceived notions of what it’s like to grow up in California came directly from Saved by the Bell, 90210 and The OC. Every week when I heard this anthem, I knew I was in for a whole lot of hot rich teens banging each other in mansions. I assume that’s how everyone is raised in California. I can only hope at least one person shouts right in my face, “WELCOME TO THE OC, BITCH!” If not, this trip will be a giant failure.
  8. California Gurls – Katy Perry. This song is SO incredibly stupid. Like next level idiotic. I had a random moment where I was listening to the radio in the car the other day (shout out B95) and this song came on and I burst out laughing. It was meant to be that I was reminded of this awesomely bad Katy Perry joint a week before I go. It’s a good thing too because if I wasn’t, I might’ve forgotten my bikini top and daisy dukes and then much like Miley in her kicks I REALLY would’ve stood out like a sore thumb. Can’t wait to melt mad popsicles. (The Snoop cameo on this is a cherry on top.)
  9. Hollywood Nights – Bob Seger. Alright, back to quality music. BOBBY SEGES giving us the wiggles on the tale as old as time, midwestern boy being enchanted by a California hooch. I don’t think I’d ever heard this song before I started looking for more songs to add to this playlist and I’m mad that I’m just now discovering it. Will for sure be grooving my face off to it to make up for lost time.
  10. Hollywood – Madonna. Maintaining that Hollyweird theme here’s Madonna’s take (I’m not a fan of hers but this song is catchy, so sue me.) Basically more riffraff about how no one ever leaves Hollywood and everyone wants to be a part of it. YEH NO SHIT, MADONNA. HOLLYWOOD IS GLAMOROUS AS HELL. I’ll report back if it also smells as good as she says it does. After my friend told me under no circumstances were we to visit the Hollywood Walk of Fame because it’s tourism trash hell, I’m going to venture a guess it probably smells pretty rough too. Jus sayin.
  11. Dani California – Red Hot Chili Peppers. RHCP has created an entire music library of love letters to California. I had a very hard time narrowing it down to just one, so if you fancy yourself a real California freak–check out the UNCUT version of this playlist also on Spotify. If you just fancy yourself a freak, feel free to sing “getting boned in the state of Mississippi” like I have for the past 12+ years this song has been out. No joke, had no clue he was saying, “getting born.” So yeh, I’m a dirtbag. Either way, top notch tune.
  12. Going To California – Led Zeppelin. A slow jam to be plopping on a list of party hardy beats about the best coast but it’s here for selfish reasons. I’ve always been a super geek fan of the Led Zeppelin WAIL and therefore this made the cut. Plus, I love the idea that so many people just go to California to start over. Hey my life sucks, maybe I should just move across the country to where it’s warm and try to become famous. It’s such a fascinating (and bold) life choice to me and one that I’ve definitely considered. Until I see reports about how half of the state is in flames and also the actual earth is moving and I’m like nah, I’m good. Realistically, if I had to watch awards shows in the middle of the afternoon or on a delay from the East Coast, I’d probably kill myself. Not that I’m dramatic or anything. Anyway, we got real off course there. Excited to stand on a hill in the mountain of dreams, soak it all in, and then come back to the comforts and ‘tude of good ole NY.
  13. Baby Got Back – Sir Mix A Lot. I took an artistic liberty with this one. One of my AWL TIME favorite lines is “LA Face, Oakland Booty”…not only because Blake Lively used it as an Instagram caption once and ruffled everyone’s feathers but also because I have the most BACK of anyone I’ve ever met. I’ve busted through more pants and dresses with this dumptruck than you could even dream about. I remember when this song came out, I was in middle school, taped it off of the radio, printed off the lyrics and then sang along with passion. I didn’t know it at the time (puberty hadn’t turned my ass into a round juicy bubble yet) but I had found my future King and his name is Sir Mix A Lot. Holla atcha gurl, Sir. JK you’re like middle aged with kids now probably and this turbo tush is still in its prime.
  14. Holiday From Real – Jack’s Mannequin. Andrew McMahon of Jack’s Mannequin/Something Corporate has been my favorite singer for-ev-er and back when Covid didn’t cancel live music, I used to try and see him live every year. The last time I saw him, I bought the tee with lyrics from this banger “F*** Yeah we can live like this” and now I feel like that needs to make the pack list. I’m a horrific over-packer so I’m assuming I’ll bring at least 35 outfits and wear about 4. ANYWAY, Andrew is a homegrown California boy and the uncut version of the playlist features many of his songs but this one was the vibe we were looking for here, folks. 0 F’s Given in the sunshine on vacation. I’m SUH ready to fry my brain, BAYBAY.
  15. Unwritten – Natasha Bedingfield. You’re a total moron if you didn’t guess that this was how I was going to end this California musical snack of an adventure. Is there one single thing about the state of California in this song? Abso-toot-ley not. And yet, it is the ONLY score a bitch like me needs to immediately picture LC cruising in her black BMV convertible (top down, obvi) down the coast highway and directly into our hearts. The Hills is PINNACLE LA and as someone who still owns the seasons on DVD, I plan on channeling my inner LC for this entire trip. S/O to my girl Kat for putting up with my constant pop culture references while planning this vizzy. Will I smooch Brody? Will I tell Heidi I want to forgive her but I want to forget her? Who knows…because xx tHe ReSt iS sTiLL UnWriTTeN xx
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JUice

Oscars 2021 Red Carpet

I gotta be honest we better be winding down on this rescheduled awards season because I’m running out of free trials I can sign up for just to watch them. And if I’m being REALLY honest, I wasted a free trial on this one. I had high hopes. I know, you’re probably saying, LEARN YOUR LESSON ALREADY, JULIA. ALL AWARDS SHOWS STINK. And normally you’re right. But we all know I could never skip out on an event that involves celebrities and the potential for gossip. PLUS, they were really amping up the “no zoom” aspect of this one. I’m so thirsty for a live awards show without a wall full of screens and awkward delays that I actually got excited for the Oscars. I’m here to report it was the LARGEST of disappointments. I’m not sure if Hollywood Libs just weren’t comfortable attending in person (I mean, we all know they’ve been vaccinated and get tested 24/7 anyway by their on-staff doctors) or if they just want to make it LOOK like they’re not comfy but basically no one showed up to this thing. We have about 4 big names, no host, and the thing played like we were watching a livestream of a work conference for actors.

It was D-R-Y as shiiiiiiiittttt. On top of the fact that they were really trying to create a “storyteller” vibe to the evening giving each nominee a 20 minute backstory, they also STOPPED REGULATING ACCEPTANCE SPEECHES. Do you know what happens when you don’t have a musical cue to tell people in show biz to STFU? They don’t STFU. They just keep talking. For-EV-er. So anyway, joke’s on me for signing up for FuboTV for one night of a 4 hour TedTalk on the art of movies. I’ll save you that torture and try to keep the red carpet short and sweet. There’s a handful of nobodies in here simply because I either loved their outfit or hated it. That’s how I decided to include someone in my fashion critique when I have no clue who they are. The ladies were having a RED HAWT night and that pretty much sums up the outfits for the worst Oscars ever.

WORST

chloe-zhao

This may seem contradictory to my style because I’ve been known to slap on a pair of kicks for any occasion but also IT’S THE OSCARS. Walking the red carpet like you just stepped off the farm is pushing it a little too far. I’m not saying you need to be a Glam-azon but an effort wouldn’t hurt here.

Erica-Rivinoja

This lady with the lizard-under-attack neck is also carrying a SHRIMP clutch. And honestly I might’ve considered tossing her on the best dressed just for that accessory if it looked like an actual shrimp. Details are what puts asses in the seats and this what looks to be pencil drawing of a shrimp with a chunky white outer layer is just not cutting it.

margot

I don’t think I realized I was in a snarky as hell mood until I started writing these worst dressed captions. Maybe if I didn’t get tricked into watching this informational awards show I’d be kinder to the fashion choices of Hollywood. Probz not though. For example, Margot looks great in this dress but she decided to get bangs and I feel as though she needs to be punished for that choice. Not only are bangs always a terrible decision, but doing this weird pull my hair back but let it also wisp into the breeze further accentuated the hard bang. You’re in timeout, Margot.

Martin-Desmond-Roe

Travon-Free

It’s important for me to note that not one but TWO gentlemen dressed like actual f*cking bumblebees. It’s important because I was personally victimized by a carpenter bee this week in my own home and NOW THIS?! This feels like an attack and I will not stand for it. I was forced to sleep on my couch hiding from this fuzzy monster as it took over my bedroom and then just when I thought I was safe after three days of not hearing his aggressive lawnmower buzzing, he dared to reappear casually to remind me that this is his apartment now. I trapped him under a glass and HE IS STILL NOT DEAD, Y’ALL. This bee has been pacing the circle of the glass for DAYS now as if he’s simply doing time for his actions. I’ve basically become a sociopath bee murderer slowly torturing this mf’er to death all because I was terrified to swat at his crunchy body. And although I’m sure there’s some meaning behind this duo of black and yellow tuxes, the real meaning is that I will forever be haunted by this bee who lives underneath my desk now.

Questlove

Spraypainting your crocs gold does not make them couture, QUESTLOVE. Also your outfit looks like something Rosie O’Donnell would wear circa 1998 when she had her own talk show. Boom. Roasted.

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Had no clue Regina was kicking off the show (or that there was no host) until a camera dramatically followed her on a very long walk into the venue and up onto the stage. Her strut was a 10/10, this dress is like a 5/10. The jewels look tacky and those sleeves…WOOF.

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Color of the dress is great, WAY too much fabric and that.HAIR. WHAT IS HAPPENING IN HOLLYWOOD?! Are these actresses showing up in character and I just missed the memo? Like on what planet is that hairstyle attractive?!

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A glitter turtleneck. That is all.

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This feels a little trashy for the Oscars. This is more a VMA’s dress.

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Girl looks like an evil Disney witch with these textures and sleeves. All that’s missing is the Maleficent headdress.

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Why the hell is she wearing almost a full length dress with pants underneath? This is LA so I would assume it’s probably 75 degrees there. Is this an old people thing? Do their shins get chilly? (PS I’m MAD that I finally cut the cord on the Oscars with an hour left last night because I couldn’t possibly bear one more minute and THAT’S WHEN Glenn Close decides to twerk that pants-covered ass and curse up a storm. WHYYYYYYYY.)

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Another Disney villain situation and oh my lanta, is that a HEART in her hands?! Creepmaster 101.

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Rapey shades + a 70’s belted flight suit + THUMBS UP pose = puke in my hands.

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Again if I’m not in love with the cutouts of the coral dress, I’m not down with this lingerie lewk. Showgirl City,  Population: Andra.

zendaya

Sorry for the tiny pic but the full sizer was a side view and I wanted everyone to see the full drama that is a bandeau top and skirt. Too much drama, if you ask me.

BEST

lauradern

LAURA YOU BLACK SWAN QUEEN, YOU!

Lee-Isaac-Chung-Valerie-Chung

Both look great but I’m really digging her shiny dress with the red lip.

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This entire outfit screams I have a library in my home and I really like it a LOT. 

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What a babe soda power couple. Even better, Riz fixed his lady’s hair for her on the red carpet so she’d look flawless for the paps without a hair out of place. What a keeper.

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This begins the hot red portion of the evening and everyone who went red absolutely crushed it. Also, not for nothing but her cleavage looks like it’s painted on.

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Reese usually plays it pretty safe with a strapless black or royal blue gown so she’s really spicin things up here with this red ombre. HOT TAMALE!

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The sleeves are preeetttty ridiculous but they somehow work with the sleek shape of the rest of the dress.

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Ooh baby those cutouts are sexxxxxy. Loving the details and the shape of this gown.

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What a magical, whimsical forest fairy! Bonus points for her referencing an acceptance speech she wrote when she was younger and thanking her supportive husband Zack Morris. Brits are so casj cool and funny. I want to be her friend.

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Other than bumblebee dumb and dumber, not a whole lot of dashing man fash on the red carpet so when I saw this hot pink jazz I got VERY excited. And the sparkle on top of that?! I basically had to fan myself.

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These two look hot as hell together and they’re each serving a whole look. 

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Gun to my head I could never come up with a name for this individual but she DID get the red memo and I appreciate the shit out of it.

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Close call – this was almost my pick for best look of the night. I can never hide my boner for princess gowns.

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Credit where credit is due for this man scarf POPPIN’ that golden accent.

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I’ve definitely waxed poetic before about how much I respect a hoodie as a fashion statement because I was repressed as a child from wearing my hood up around the house. But ON TOP of that we’ve got an electric blue jumpsuit that is BO$$.

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Could definitely do without the tummy peekaboo but very into the dramatics of the dark lip with a pastel gown. If you added a hood to this look I’d be foaming at the mouth.

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I’m living for the color coordination here. As someone who changes her scrunchie to match her loungewear perfectly every day, I love that shes’s maroon from head to toe. A true maroutfit.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

She IS an Oscar and I gasped when I saw this puffy skirt that could most definitely be hiding another person underneath it. What a flawless statement.

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Salty Stories

My Body Was Not Built To Climb Mountains

It’s that time of year again in Upstate NY. The snow is “melting” into black-spotted mounds surrounded by mud, the temps are hitting 50 which brings out society’s inability to dress appropriately and it’s no longer pitch black outside while you drive home from work in the freezing cold. SPRING HAS SPRUNG, Y’ALL! And not only does that mean seeing bozo’s wearing flip flops with their disgusting feet that they prematurely pulled out of winter hibernation loudly on display, but it also means all of your hiking friends come out of the woodwork. You know the type, the people who CHOOSE to wake up at 4am on a Saturday morning, scale the rocky side of a mountain and then sit unnaturally close to the edge of a cliff to watch the sunrise. I say this with the MOST jealousy because I’ve forever wanted to post a cool-ass Insta of me at the top of a mountain with the sun cresting behind me, bragging about how casj and effortless it was to hike my 14th high peak. I want that for myself SO badly, that I’ve attempted hiking. I’ve attempted hiking knowing that on a regular Tuesday, I trip over my own feet an alarming amount of times. A few days ago I slid stepping into the shower and smashed my shin off of the tile so hard that I screamed and just stood there in the water for a hot second contemplating how I haven’t fallen to my death yet. It’s a valid question for someone as uncoordinated as I am who also lives alone.  

Not only am I clumsy but fun fact numero dos: I get VERY winded from exerting myself physically. If you’ve ever been on a phone call with me while I’ve gone up a flight of stairs oh baby, are you in for a treat. I gasp for air from the slightest activity. So yeah, this ganglerod disaster who is regularly out of breathe from walking voluntarily scaled a mountain. THRICE. The first time was in Hawaii. Humble brag. I climbed Diamond Head. Climbed is a generous term. I feel like I need to get ahead of the story here and admit that I had absolutely 0 plans to do any physical activity on my work trip/vacation. My vacay mode is beachin and drinkin and it is almost NEVER climbin. Except for the fact that it stormed for the majority of my trip, which really put a damper on beachin. So that’s how I found myself agreeing to join a VERY fit friend on the Diamond Head adventure. I figured I didn’t have anything better to do and it sounds BADASS as hell to tell people you climbed a freaking volcano. I was doing it strictly for the story and for the ‘gram. (In case you haven’t figured it out yet, that’s basically how I live my life.) As our gang started the hike, I knew I was in trouble when families with small children, all wearing flip flops (at least they were summer-ready feet) were immediately lapping us and we’d barely just begun our journey. Nothing kills your confidence quicker than a 4 year old in beach gear showing you up. The rest of the hike was no less than 15 years long. Built for tourism, it was essentially paved with railings the entire way and yet I still felt as though I was being personally attacked by this volcano. If it had erupted, I would’ve just nodded in understanding and lied down, letting the hot lava solidify me there in my huffy embarrassment. I kept chugging though. I wanted that money shot at the top and I would die getting to it if I had to. As if Diamond Head was a salty bitch and knew my intentions for hiking her weren’t pure, she decided to do me dirty one last time. The last segment of the hike is just a staircase. It quite literally looks like the stairway to heaven. You can’t see the top, you just see stairs going up toward the sky. And there were A LOT of them. This was like a 7 floor walkup just to finish this damn hike. I stopped at the bottom and literally laughed out loud (and took the picture below.) Well played, you fiery volcano, you. My friend ran full speed up the infinity stairs because clearly she didn’t feel challenged enough by being forced to keep pace with a 26 year old trapped in a 96 year olds body. Sorry bout it. I took the steps one by one, thinking about the consequences of my actions. This is what I get myself into when I live for the gram. On the bright side, after that giant stairmaster, and a very rusty spiral staircase immediately afterward, I can only hope I was one step closer to buns of steel.

My friend, Rocky’ing the shit out of these endless stairs
Not sketchy at all

Plus, the view WAS pretty flawless. I also took it one step further and hopped a fence that said “don’t cross this fence” to literally sit on the ledge and dangle my feet. If I was going to do the equivalent of a year’s worth of workouts in one afternoon, you bet your ass I’m gonna illegally dangle (trembling with fear the entire time) to make it worth my while. The over-edited shot that I posted accompanied by my supes casj cool caption basically qualified me as a fitness influencer, so my job here was done. Everyone believed that I do this every weekend and didn’t just almost keel over and die on a hike that toddlers were doing with ease. And I bet not a soul knew that while I was “livin on the edge” I was also crapping my pants with fear. Insta-magic.

The second and third (final) hikes of my life just so happened to be the same exact hike. Again, motivated by aesthetics. I’ve always wanted to peep the foliage from a mountain as well, so I took a poll from my hike-happy friends and all agreed that the tamest one for me to tackle while still getting an eyeful of orange leaves was Pilot Knob in Lake George. After a Saturday full of drinking, I forced my boyf at the time to do nature with me for a nice Sunday cleanse. Our definition of cleanse started with eating hot dogs and cheese fries out of a food truck first. I’m not sure exactly what is the correct hiking fuel, but if I had to guess, wieners and processed cheese probably isn’t it. Whatever, it was delicious. This hike turned out to be the real deal. In fact, it had a journal at the bottom for you to “check in” aka if you go missing in the woods, at least the cops looking for your dead body know you’re definitely there and how long you’ve been gone for. The boyf and I were unaware of that feature and felt very confident charging into this hike until roughly 3 minutes in when we were confused where the actual path was and started to second guess if we even knew how to follow a marked trail. Thankfully a family was near and we could follow them…until we couldn’t see them anymore. SERIOUSLY WHAT IS IT WITH TAKING YOUR SMALL CHILDREN ON HIKES? It’s just downright embarrassing for us fatties. They’re like speed racers, I tell ya. This hike was directly uphill. There were leaves and branches scattered about, the stairs were just jutted out rocks and there were multiple times that I slid on a wet patch. It was horrific, but again, I wanted that leaf porn. We huffed and puffed to the top, and honestly, leaves weren’t even peak anymore. I didn’t feel accomplished. I just wondered, probably out loud, “Who actually enjoys this?” After a photoshoot to mark our athletic achievement, the boyf and I agreed that this was a one-time deal and never under any circumstances would we become hiking people and we beat it down the mountain back to the comfort of our couch. 

The deadest leaves in all the land
vs.
What I edited the shit out of and posted on IG:

I hate to even admit this, but the next time I did this hike was the following summer with a group of friends and if you’re wondering how I ever agreed to join them…so am I. You know when women say they forget about the pain and trauma of childbirth when they’re having more kids? I think that’s what happened here. Enough time had passed for me to look back on Pilot’s Knob with an easy breezy attitude like it was a walk in the park. I remembered it not being that bad and also this time, there was alcohol to be had at the top for sunset. Call me an alcoholic but that was for sure a motivator. Apparently I had blacked out that HIKING IS THE ACTUAL WORST AND THIS BODY WAS NOT BUILT TO CLIMB MOUNTAINS. But if we learned our lessons the first time, that wouldn’t really be life, now would it? I accompanied a friend of mine who invited a bunch of her other friends I had never met. Essentially I was hiking with a pack of strangers and guess what?! They were all pro hikers. Some of them were even wearing hiking boots. It was clear from the jump that my tank top with slits up the side that read “If only sass burned calories” wasn’t going to cut it with this seasoned outdoor gang. After a late start and the realization that the sun was about to set in 20 mins, everyone kicked it into high gear essentially running to the top of the mountain. Again, quick reminder that I was surrounded by the kind of people who grew up playing sports…and not in the participation trophy kind of way I did. I was quite literally wheezing to keep up while simultaneously mortified that this would be a long lasting first impression to this new crew. I finally waved everyone off to go on and leave me alone on this mountain to hopefully die and leave my horribly out of shape body to be eaten. My beefcake of an ass would be a delicacy to whatever roamed the Adirondacks…at least I have that going for me. For a brief moment, I considered chugging a seltzer as I dragged my body up thinking a buzz might put a little pep in my step but honestly I probably would’ve just given myself a foot cramp and tumbled back down to the bottom. I will also be forthright with you and admit that there were tears. Not like a sobbing moment…more like a who the hell do I think I am teary-eyed moment. When I finally crested the top, I tried to play it off like I went that slow on purpose to take in the scenery and not because it’s exhausting for me to support my own body weight when it’s not laying horizontally. I chugged the seltzers that I earned, took some shitty sunset photos that I refused to be in because I looked like a sweaty garbage can, and got ready to reach my grand finale of forest-related walking. Another key factor that I didn’t think through all the way, if you’re climbing a mountain to see the sun set, YOUR HIKE DOWN WILL BE PITCH BLACK. Guess what doesn’t have lights? The woods. *cue Taylor Swift’s 1989 sleeper hit are we out of the woods yet are we out of the woods yet are we out of the woods yet playing on loop in my terrified brain.* I saw exactly one snake on my descent using a cell phone flashlight and it never for a second crossed my mind that ALL THE CREATURES WOULD BE OUT AND I WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO SEE THEM. So that’s it for my hiking career. I tried guys, I really did. I envy your outdoorsy adventures solely for the pictures because I’m a real picture whore. But NO PHOTO is worth stumbling over rocks on a steep incline amongst woodland creatures for. When Elon Musk invents a way for me to get the breathtaking shots without the exertion– a quick elevator ride to the top, perhaps? Then I’ll be all in on hiking.

Seltzer hit harder than this sunset

PS I also attempted a brisk walk in the woods this spring (level ground), gasped for air the entire time, tripped over twigs and ended up with blisters on both of my heels so let’s just go ahead and cancel my body because I’m not even 30 yet and walking in general is a no for me, dawg.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/12/2021

1. Adios, Macho. “For Real” This Time.

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Obviously this is NOT breaking news. A full ass month ago we found out that JLo and ARod could not make it to the altar despite their matching two syllable hoodrat nicknames making us all believe they were indeed soulmates. As soon as the news broke, they tried to walk it back saying they weren’t over, just working through a rough patch. Mmk, guys, whatever. This was obviously them trying to control the story when they’ve probably been separated for months. As I hinted before, the fact that I didn’t find out from a personal text from my girl was the most hurtful part of this split. But now, they’ve made a joint statement. (Again…still waiting on my text…)

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In summary: Couples therapy couldn’t save them once the world knew their love was dead and also staying together for the kids apparently wasn’t working. Good thing their deal didn’t go through or they’d have to stay together for the Mets too. YOIKES. Anyway, despite the jokes, these two did seem like they were a match made in heaven and I was happy that Jenny from tha block who can’t seem to stop getting engaged and/or married finally found her forever Macho. But alas, love is pure garbage, even if it don’t cost a thing. There were rumors of cheating…my first thought was who would cheat on that perfect specimen but my friend Kat makes a valid point that although I don’t want to face, I’m forced to: at what point does JLo look internally and wonder why she can’t hold down a mans.  I’m there to comfort her if she needs it–I’m just a text away but by the looks of things she ain’t the one who needs comforting. ARod posted this story on his Insta when the news broke:

SOMEONE DO A WELLNESS CHECK ON THIS GUY. Listening to Fix You while he looks at pictures of the two of them?! SHEESH. He’s one step away from the ending of A Star is Born. Chris Martin’s about to have blood on his hands for creating an absolute SMASH to cry to. But seriously though, someone get eyes on ARod before he crumbles and starts tweeting Peyton quotes from One Tree Hill.

peyton

2. Colton is Gay & Also a Reality TV Whore.

Colton

Fun Fact: I already had Colton’s 1st ABC headshot locked and loaded because once upon a time I used to blog Bachelor Nation until they all pissed me off so much that I had to force myself into early retirement. AND THIS SHIT?! THIS IS WHY. Here’s the lowdown for all y’all (me now included) who no longer invest 19 hours a week to this godforsaken franchise. Colton was a contestant on the bachelorette and then eventually he was the big cheese, the bachelor. His main “storyline” was that he was a big booty big ole Virg. And if there’s something reality TV loves, it’s honing in on the adults who have never had sex, making them feel suuuuper ashamed and embarrassed about it, then trying to get them to sex it up in a fantasy suite for a full closure story arc. To my knowledge, Colton didn’t fall into this trap and remained free of bonetown throughout his whole season. He left single and pursued Cassie who left his season early because she wasn’t ready to get married. They dated for a while and just recently broke up a few months ago where Colton then proceeded to stalk and harass Cassie until she took out a restraining order against him. Now he’s gay. He did an exclusive interview with Robin Roberts where he comes out officially and is living his truth now. Listen, Colton. I’m happy for ya, and I’mma let y’all finish but being gay doesn’t excuse being a total shitbag to your ex-girlfriend who was probably already reeling from the fact that you were pretty much never attracted to her. He tried to explain it away as being in a “dark place” and gave like a half-assed apology. So not only do I have a bone to pick with that, but also…buddy, take a beat and reflect on yourself and this new chapter of your life. In the past five years he’s been on every ideation of Bachelor Nation, including being the lead of his own season, has written a memoir, comes out publicly on GMA and NOW he’s filming a Netflix reality show about life after coming out. No. Nope. That’s enough. Relax, dude. Stop being a TOTAL reality show whorebag. Find your way without a camera crew. This is unhealthy. Cut the shit.

Oh hey, speaking of people who hoe themselves out for reality tv, check out the return of the horrific Hills reboot because OF COURSE Kristin is back… (*drink every time they say they don’t want to hurt people along the way, oops I’m hammered*)

3. White Boy Summer.

Remember Chet Hanks? Course you do. It’s Tom Hanks’ black sheep son who spent several years exclusively speaking in a Jamaican accent and making us all wonder how America’s treasure Tom and his lovely wife Rita created this. Well he’s back. He made a video a month or so ago declaring it White Boy Summer. And those that weren’t incredibly offended by this were intrigued to hear more. So Chet followed that up with Official Rules (No Sperrys, no plaid shirts & no calling girls smokeshows.) And then Official Merch that seemed borderline racist due to his choice in font so he addressed that as well, also adding in Black Queen Summer.

And for the grand finale… THIS MASTERPIECE:

I mean….Yes. This is just so preposterous. Chet has finally come to terms with how outrageous he is as a human being and created something that he seems to actually be in on the joke with. The song’s got a catchy beat, he’s out here slappin Black Queen cheeks and covering them with SPF 50 with his Good Charlotte font merch and I enjoyed every second of it. We all needed a good laugh and Chet Hanx the self-proclaimed Vanilla King delivered. The only thing that would’ve made this even better was an appearance from complete polar opposites Tom & Colin Hanks. A cutaway to dear ole dad after those shenanigans would’ve really hit the funny bone:

tom

4. Dancing With The Devil.

This is old news but in case you haven’t noticed, I’ve been on a little celeb hiatus for about a month now so I’m gonna yap about whatever I want now that I’ve returned. (The celeb hiatus was due to the fact that I got published *TWICE* not talking about Hollyweird and also my laptop was like hey, next up on your life bingo card of shitty and expensive things that happen out of the blue is me dying so buhbye.) So here I am, typing away on my gently used Macbook that was the only cost I could swing in the moment and I’M GONNA TALK ABOUT DEMI NOW, mmk? So her doc that I was thirsty as hell for came out and gotta be honest the way she rolled this thing out was infuriating. I thought it would be one shot and then people started spilling secrets from it and I had to question if it was already out and I somehow got the date wrong…nope it wasn’t. Everyone who got an advanced peek literally couldn’t stop themselves from spoiling it. THEN she releases it in half hour parts like episodes. Except it’s a doc…and we already knew all the salacious goss from it weeks beforehand. SO naturally I was super mad about it. IN SUMMARY: Demi relapsed a couple of years ago first with drinking and weed and then QUICKLY hit up crack and heroin. Ya know, super casual jump to take. And what’s hilarious about that is that she thought she could recreationally use these drugs as if they aren’t THE MOST ADDICTIVE SUBSTANCES in the drug game. She was lying about it and hiding it from everyone so it was a big shocker when she overdosed, which PS she essentially died from this overdose (was also raped by her drug dealer) and woke up blind and with a shit-ton of long-term injuries. Coolcoolcool. The doc talks a lot about her traumas and how she’s had a real rough go of it, her best friend wears this STUPID purple Aladdin hat the ENTIRE time and it makes me want to set it on fire atop his fluffy head:

Matthew-Scott-Montgomery

And now we have a new Demi album that dropped at the same time as this doc (same title, so super confusing) and here’s her first video where she reenacts the night she overdosed down to a T. Song is FIRE but the video is a little much. I’m sure it was a therapeutic thing for her but like suuuuper creepy to be watching you hooked up to a thing sucking the blood out of your neck, cleaning it of all the drugs and then pumping it back in. *vomsicles* 

So anyway, not a 10/10 recommend on the documentary split up into 30 min episodes for no reason unless you’re as fascinated by how Demi Lovato is still alive as I am. Can’t deny that voice though. Girl’s a powerhouse.

5. Ravioli Shoes.

If I’m going to make you watch Chet Hanx motorboatin’ butts to a subpar rap, I would be remiss if I didn’t also shine a light on the superstar that is John Mayer on Tiktok. He joined recently and basically took over the damn thing. We’ve always known J.May has quite the personality and hosting his own Instagram show for a hot minute just solidified that. Now he’s in the Tok game and what first started out as just him giving behind the scenes stories on his hits or teaching us how to play guitar like him, quickly morphed into him writing original ditties such as Ravioli Shoes that took off and just generally being the likable panty dropper that he is. So please, take a mo’ out of your day to enjoy John Mayer in his element.

@johnmayer

its called show *business* 😁 👍🏼 #music #songs #viral

♬ original sound – johnmayer

Meanwhile I’m just out here also doing the Lord’s work with my Tiktoks. When you’re hot on the Tok streetz like me and John Mayer, you’re white hot, amirite?!

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Salty Stories

Aloha, Bus Driver From My Nightmares!

It was this time three years ago that I was about to embark on the biggest trip of my life. Through my esteemed work as a beer festival event coordinator, I was granted the opportunity to travel to Hawaii to run Honolulu on Tap—because when you live in paradise, why wouldn’t you buy an overpriced ticket to hang out in a giant convention center and drink beer for an entire day? Never one to pass up turning a once in a lifetime work trip into a tropical beach vacay, I recruited my bestie to come with me, mostly so that I could have a snorkeling, beachin & drinkin buddy but also because returning to upstate NY shouting Mahalo and crushing the dubz hang loose hands is WAY funnier tag team style. The plane ride from New York to Honolulu was going to be 11 hours and that is without a doubt the longest I’ve ever been trapped in a plane over the ocean. So how did my body prepare? Oh, glad you asked. By getting a Biiiiiitch of a cold/flu/sinus infection exactly one day prior to my travel. My friend and I started our journey to the land of loosie goosies by taking a four hour bus ride from Albany down to NYC where we would then spend the night with another friend and wake up at the ass of dawn for our 11 hour flight. After mainlining Emergen-C and taking a midday snooze the day before did absolutely nothing to stop the freight train of sickness from ravaging my body, there was 0% of me that wanted to travel for the next few days. Little did I know that it would be a real shitstorm with or without snot profusely leaking out of my nose. 

We boarded the bus and found our seats, ready for naptime as the sun had already set. I was just getting as comfortable as a 5’9” ganglerod can in a very limited legroom bus seat when we heard the crackle of the loudspeaker. As soon as our driver began his announcements, my friend and I knew we were in for the ride of our lives. It appeared as though luck had placed us on a vehicle driven by Satan himself. I’ve never experienced “announcements” on a bus past age 11 and yet here I was at 26 listening to a driver sternly tell a packed bus of grown adults that this would be a QUIET ride and we would NOT want to find out what happens if someone speaks. Uh, RED FLAG MUCH? As someone who had sneezed about 14 times just boarding the bus alone, I immediately began to shake with fear that my body would betray me and I’d get ejected at full speed on the highway for my noisemaking on the silent bus. It turns out, I didn’t need to stifle my sneezes or dab at my waterfall of snot quietly (not being able to blow your nose just makes it 100x sloppier) because I wasn’t going to be the culprit who took this ship down.

About an hour into the ride after SEVERAL shushes from our fearless leader when someone dared to crinkle a snack wrapper (it was me…snacking is life), a cellphone ringtone echoed through the prison that was our ride. A collective gasp was heard as we wondered what the punishment would be but THAT WASN’T ALL. Following the jingle, we heard a normal speaking voice carrying a godforsaken cell phone conversation. The driver was swift to hit that loudspeaker again and tell this renegade to get the hell off of her phone or get the hell off of this bus. She did not oblige. He continued to harass her via tiny bus megaphone, while the rest of us cringed out of our skin and wanted to die on the spot rather than find out what happens when in a free country you take a phone call on a bus that you paid to sit on. The crew was getting restless, people shouted from the back for this woman to just get off her phone and save us all. Amongst the vocal unrest, a hero that we didn’t ask for, but that we all needed came to this cellphone yapper’s defense and fired back that this woman was receiving news of a death. I mean, you can’t script it, folks. This seemed to settle the Lord of the Flies crowd forming in the back preparing for a forced takedown of cellphone lady. You know who did not settle for one single second?

Nazi bus driver.

We could now hear that the lady was upset and rather than easing up on the code of silence, our bus driver doubled down as someone who probably kicks puppies does. HE PULLED THE BUS OVER. This MF’er whipped that bus right off the side of the highway, slammed it in park and warned us he would not be putting it back into drive until this bus was noise-free. A riot ensued. Shouts went from back to front, the driver continued to prove he was an incredibly mentally-unstable individual and most importantly, our safety was in this man’s hands. A man who PULLED THE BUS OVER ON THE HIGHWAY LIKE WE WERE HIS CHILDREN FIGHTING IN THE BACK AND HE WANTED TO TEACH US A LESSON. Nope, no children fighting here, Sarge, just a grown woman receiving a death announcement via telephone and crying about it. I obviously sat there in silence, clutching a tissue to my face to hide the fact that I was downright terrified of not only this much stranger interaction, but also that this unhinged man was put in ANY position of power. Obviously I would be the first to be eaten on a desert island. After much convincing, and a promise from the grieving lady that she wouldn’t dare use her cellphone again and would dial her sobs down to a suppressed hiccup, Driving Hitler allowed us to continue our journey of silence. There would be no round robin singing of ‘The Wheels on the Bus go round and round’ on this ride.

We arrived in NYC without another incident and I’ve never scrambled off of a bus faster—and that’s saying a lot because my middle school bus driver’s nickname was Chomo for child molester. And that was just the first leg of our trip. I danced in and out of a fever throughout the night, taunted by nightmares of our bus driver hitting the gas off of a cliff plummeting to our death because I had audibly farted in my sleep, then boarded a plane for 11 hours of mouth breathing and a fiery sore throat. The good news is I survived. The bad news is it rained all week in Hawaii, our snorkeling excursion was cancelled due to high winds, I reversed the rental car into a cement parking beam, and exactly 3 days after I returned from the biggest trip of my life and finally kicked my sinus infection, I was laid off. You know who probably wasn’t laid off after terrorizing his passengers? That bus driver. MAHALO.

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Red Carpet

Grammys Red Carpet 2021

Still riding this hybrid awards show format that makes things NICE and awkward. Wonder if Biden will declare awards season back by May 1st as well. I’ll stay tuned for that announcement. Either way, I forced both parents to watch because I didn’t want to be the only one who was far too old for each and every performance. It really paid off because watching my mother take in the WAP performance was all the entertainment I’ve ever needed and more. Horrified doesn’t even begin to describe her reaction. For a “picture is worth a thousand words” moment, here’s WAP, Grammy’s edition…which is basically an entirely new song because CBS isn’t really down with the p*ssy euphamisms, surprisingly.

It was at this particular moment that my mom wondered aloud, are these two gonna bang? It was a fair question. They did not though. *Spoiler ALERT* Anyway, other than that colorful performance, a whimsical Taylor Swift singing on the roof of a moss-covered house, John Mayer not being able to rip a solo as hard as I wanted him to in his duet with Maren and a rousing rendition of rockstar that included some SASSY older women in a choir that stole the show…the Grammys were a can-miss event. Including the fashion…

WORST

lizzo

Hate to do this to my gurl Lizzo but the skirt of this dress is KILLING ME. It brings back TERRIBLE flashbacks to the mid-calf jersey skirts with this style back in the early 2000’s. HIDEOUS. 

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Tacky prom dress. Also my mom tried to tell me last night that Maren wasn’t as bad as I always say she is and I almost tackled her out of the room. The rule is agree with me on my celebrity hot takes or get the hell out of the room and everyone knows it.

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I love the underneath layer dress but this mosquito netting with butterflies all over it is weird and shapeless.

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I puked in my hands when I saw this. It looked a lot like the bottom half of this dress.

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WELCOME TO THE RENAISSANCE FAIRE DON’T FORGET YOUR TURKEY LEG!

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I made my mom weigh in on this one because I could’ve been swayed either way. She said she liked it up until the hat. It was the Christmas-colored hat that did her in on this one and I agree. Suit is fire, hat took a giant dump on it.

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I LOOOOOOOOATHE BUTT BOWS. This color is poppin, she’s rockin a leg moment as only Megan THEE Stallion can do with those thicc gams of hers, jewels are good, pieces of hair in the face are bullshit but THAT BOW IS ABSOLUTE GARBAGE. 

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Noah Cyrus just rolled out of bed and grabbed the hotel sheets, puffed them up a little bit and hit the red carpet.

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Are these doves flying all over her dress or just paper mache? We may never know.

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These three look like they literally stepped out of the movie Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century. I’ve never been more appalled by a pastel moment but matching kitten heels really sealed the deal.

BEST

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I could do without the tan riding boots here but the suit is fire and she’s rocking it.

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SpOoKy ScArY sKeLeToNzZ. I laughed out loud when I saw this. And I wanted to slam this lewk so hard but then it turned into respect. She’s wearing a designer dress with sparkly skeleton bones on it…and her hair matches it perfectly. It didn’t take long to flip me into a believer. Plus I love a dark lip moment. It all just goes together so well that I say bring on the dancing skeletons. Hope this bad boy also glows in the dark.

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I’m putting my personal differences aside right now to declare Miranda a total babe soda on this red carpet. This BIG of me because she’s still a raging homewrecker who steals everyone’s husbands. But she looks good here…boobs and leg on point.

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I WANT THIS ENTIRE OUTFIT. The only disappointment here is those kicks. She should have pastel tie dye sneaks to top off the statement and I’m shocked she doesn’t. Nike better start selling this shit in Teej RULL QUICK so I can get on her level for my weekly grocery store trip.

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You can’t see it here underneath her teased hair but Bey basically wore a couple of lifesize Grammys dangling from her ears. It was a wee bit distracting. The leather looks hawt as hell tho and Queen B made history last night for most grammys EVER won, nbd but hbd.

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 I laughed out loud at this dweeb-asaurus in his baggy suit coat flashing the peace sign. His girlfriend looks fabulous and that’s really how they made it to the best dressed list. Pro tip: always have a piece on your arm to distract from the fact that you look like you’re on the way to marching band practice.

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Pink suit is F I R E flames.

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Harry went nips out for his performance which got a LOT of ladies and gents excited but I much preferred this Cher from Clueless vibe, with a feather boa of course.

taylor-swift-at--grammys-2021-pictures

Taylor knocked my socks off (not like it was hard with the cast of characters that walked the red carpet) but I saw those stems strut onstage for her win and I think a little bit of drool fell out of my mouth. Spring came early with this dress and she nailed her performance look as well:

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There’s 0 good pictures of this dress but it was a 10/10. Shiny and woodsy without being a weird nightgown like she’s been wearing in her music videos. The gold headband really pulled the whole fairytale together and helped distract from her blunt bangs and bare feet.

 

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Movies, Television

Netflix February Round-Up

I never realize exactly how much TV I’ve been binging until I have human contact and realize that 90% of my life updates are just Netflix series and movie recommendations. That happened to me recently and I realized that if I’m going to yap my face off about what I’ve been watching lately, why not recap it in blog form to benefit those of you who may not have all hours of the day to try each and every new addition?! See? Watching hours upon hours of TV has a PURPOSE when you write your own pop culture blog that barely anybody reads. You know how many hours are in a day when you don’t have a full-time job…A LAWT. It’s been a whole ass year of quarantine and I’ve watched more TV in this past year of garbage than in my 29 years leading up to it combined. If you’ll recall, I did a lovely binge recap at the beginning of COVID, and I’m happy to update you now on the latest and greatest in the past month or so on Netflix. *No Spoilers, just my highly regarded opinions*

To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before: Always & Forever

Ok so obviously this is the third installment in squeaky clean teen trilogy following Lara Jean and Peter Kavinsky. I’ve watched all three movies on their Valentines Day premiere weekends and yet I can’t say I’m a superfan of this storyline. Naturally, Peter Kavinsky is dreamy as hell as far as high school boyfriends who look like they’re 28 go, and the story is pretty well-rounded and not just focused on stupid teenage hormones…and YET there’s only so much John Corbett that can save a flick. The first one was okay, the second one was trash and the third one never needed to be made in the first place. I wish Netflix would stop automatically granting every teen story 3 movies upon its first release. NOT ALL STORIES NEED TO BE TOLD IN THREE PARTS. Obviously the first movie is the union of Peter and Lara Jean. The second movie is the childhood crush returns to town presence to ruffle the perfect relationship. And the third? The third was basically useless. These two are going off to college and in the land of high school relationships we all know that’s the kiss of death. We don’t need a movie about it. Was I just bored of this unrealistic storyline or was I personally victimized by the beginning of the movie when one of the high school kids said to another “at least you don’t have to wait for your acceptance letter in the mail like they did in the olden days?” I think we all know the answer here. When I attended college in 2009, I got my acceptance and rejection letters in the mail. On paper. SnAiL mAiL. That was 11 years ago and it is now considered the stone age to teenagers today. Nothing reminds you that you’re too old for watching a particular movie harder than them directly calling you geriatric. Put me in the ground, I’m over you losers. CAUSE APPARENTLY COLLEGES JUST SHOOT YOU A DM NOW IF YOU’RE IN. ***all the eye rolls in the world, I’ll never stop being bitter about this.***

I Care A Lot

I like to keep Netflix on their toes when they recommend shit for me. Oh you think I’ll enjoy the programming for 13 year old girls well BAM check me out watching this flick. I zig when they think I’m gonna zag. I gotta be honest, I saw this movie was up for a Golden Globe and since I try very hard to be that person who watches AT LEAST one critically acclaimed (up for at least one award) movie a year, I decided this should be it…mostly because I actually WANTED to watch Promising Young Woman but I refuse to ever pay for a movie in my own home. Unless I’m in a dark theater with a reclining chair and the greasiest of popcorn, you’re not getting a penny outta me. Anyway, this movie was AWESOME. As soon as I finished it and basically whooped it up at the VERY satisfying ending, I texted everyone I know to add it to their watchlist immediately. It’s twisty, it has crime, it has lots of swearing, it has a VERY tanned and white-toothed Chris Messina acting like a cocky babe soda (drool city, population; me), and most importantly of all, the main character played by Rosamund Pike is the WORST HUMAN ON THIS EARTH with her stupid designer outfits, blunt bob and vape pen that you just hope she chokes on. Plus, she won the globe for this part so you know at least the racist-ass HFPA liked this movie, Ch-ch-check it out!

Biggie: I Got A Story To Tell

As you all know, I’m a real doc nerd. This particular one was getting a lot of hype leading up to its release so I was ALL over it when it dropped. Here’s my background knowledge on Biggie: 1. I knew Biggie and Tupac had beef and Tupac is 100% still alive and in the witness protection program. 2. My roommate in college (also white as wonder bread like me) had her cellphone ringtone set to “Juicy” and every single damn time her phone rang I heard Biggie’s chubster mouth marbling “It was all A DREAM, I used to read WORDUP MAGAZINE.” 3. One time at Target I tried to buy the iconic Biggie with the crown on his head tee and my mom and my sister told me not to and it’s the biggest regret of my life. I would’ve looked cool as shit in that tee. So as you can see, I’m a diehard Biggie fan. Up until I watched this doc and nearly turned it off out of sheer boredom 5 times. This story could’ve been told in suuuuch an interesting way and instead it was an hour and a half of jumping all over the timeline, naming cross streets in Brooklyn and talking to the surviving members of Biggie’s crew who list all the other members by their 10 different nicknames. I never once knew who anyone was talking about. Probably the most shocking part of the doc was when B.i.G./Biggie/Christopher’s mom said she never once listened to his music, had no clue what he was doing 90% of the time and the only time she listened to his album was after he died. If my parents don’t read one of my blogs I immediately ask them why they hate me. How did she have a rapper son and never once heard him spit bars? Anyway, final rating: IT WAS ALL A SNOOZE.

Ginny & Georgia

In the words of my sister, better catch this one quick before that snowflake Taylor Swift cancels it. You might have heard about this show because they had a ONE LINER about “going through guys like Taylor Swift” and then Taylor decided to mount her white horse and try to take down the show and Netflix in one fell swoop. But here’s the real truth from the horse’s mouth. This show is actually one of those 2021 “woke” shows. It’s female-focused, it’s written by females and it tackles race, LGBTQ, self-harm, bullying, sex, relationships, crime AND MORE. It has a WHOLE lot going on for it to be shunned for a dumb throwaway joke. For those of you who might feel self-conscious about watching a teen-centric show, there is equal parts adult storylines that I actually really enjoyed. There’s a little intrigue and mystery of what the hell is going on with Georgia’s past to keep you going, plus she’s a mom with two kids from different dads, a VERY shady background and she has THREE babe sodas chasing after her. Basically Georgia is my hero. Get past the VERY cringeworthy virginity losing scene in the beginning between two fifteen year olds (seriously, one of the worst) and you’ll be off to the races. Also important to note: teenagers these days are basically the WERST. If I had to go through high school again, I’d KMS.

Eye candy for days though:

Moxie

This is 100% a teen feminist movie and naturally that’s the OPPOSITE of anything I’d be interested in and yet Amy Poehler created it and starred in it and I just love her so much that I gave it a go. Not an overwhelming recommend but also not the worst thing I’ve ever watched either. So basically I should be a film critic with that sentence. I was a little bitter when the girls all put their hands in a circle and chanted, “SI SE PUEDE” because that is a direct rip from classic DCOM “Gotta Kick It Up”, but otherwise there was a pretty adorbs first teen boyf storyline and Amy played *most obviously* the cool mom. I also feel that it is my duty to add that although I called the teen boyf storyline adorbs, their first date which led to their first kiss was the two of them laying in a LITERAL coffin together in a funeral home sharing ear buds. And that is not at all adorbs, that is a nightmare machine. Sry, girl. He can be the dreamiest feminist supporting your cause and telling you he wants to wait until the moment is right but if he snuggles with you INSIDE OF A COFFIN, it’s curtains on your relationship.

Pieces of A Woman

This was also nominated for a Golden Globe and I was really treating last weekend like I was screening the nominees before the big show…I also sensed it was going to be depressing AF and needed a good cry. It was real dark and real uncomfortable to watch. Not a recommend from me. The movie kicks off with the LONGEST home birth scene where I got a very realistic peek into what to expect when you’re expecting and I DON’T WANT IT. The lead was feeling nauseous while also having contractions and the amount of times that she burped or gagged, folks, we almost had a clean-up on aisle living room situation on our hands. I was feeling second hand retches just from watching. Unfortunately you watch this whole scene just to learn that the baby dies upon birth and the movie unravels the entire aftermath of that and follows the couple closely as they’re dealing with it. Hence: much discomfort. Shia LaBeouf plays a total scumbucket and although it’s not one of those artsy movies without a resolution, it reeealllyy didn’t feel resolved at the end.

Behind Her Eyes

The catalyst for writing this blog, I saw someone post a Facebook status about how the ending for this series was buh-nan-UHS and when I watched the trailer and got a little creeped out, I waited until daylight the following day to watch it so I wouldn’t crap my pants. AND BOY DID I WATCH IT. I watched all six episodes back to back in one sitting like the giant unemployed loser that I am. I just wanted to get to that ending. It was W I L D. I want to talk to everyone who will listen to me about it. The show starts out predictable and cheesy as hell with a guy sleeping with his secretary and the wife sneakily befriending her. Ho hum, Lifetime does this every weekend. Then all the sudden it was like invasion of the body-snatchers up in this B and I was all:

The ending blew my mind. Also SUUUUUPER dark. Not a happy ending in the slightest. Watch the following suggestion after this one to lighten things back up again. Also if you do watch this, get @ me so we can talk about that plot twist.

Nate Bargatze: The Tennessee Kid

So full disclosure, this is old but I just watched it for the first time the other night and I want to recommend it because in just a few short weeks, you’ll be able to watch a new special from Nate called The Greatest Average American. So basically I’m setting you up for a double feature of funny. I was strapping my lolerskates on to take a lap around my apartment after watching this special. At one point I repeated one of his jokes out loud TO MYSELF. I was watching by myself and acting like I was in a room full of people. Is that sad or is Nate just that funny? Don’t answer that. It’s the combination of his deep southern drawl and deadpan delivery for me. Looking forward to the next special. (Also if you’re into standup, 10/10 would also recommend Taylor Tomlinson’s special which came out about a year ago and kicked ass.)

BONUS:

This isn’t Netflix but I’ve also been all in on it (weekly, episodic) HBO Max has a documentary Allen V. Farrow featuring Mia Farrow and her 9000 children telling the story of their childhood and Dylan Farrow’s abuse from Woody as a kid. It’s obviously sanctioned by the Farrow family, not so much by Woody Allen. Mia filmed her children’s every moves so there’s a TON of original footage including the actual taping of Dylan first detailing the sexual abuse from Woody, which is incredibly disturbing. New episodes drop on Sunday nights. I want to make a zinger here but there’s really nothing funny about child abuse, especially when it’s one of the biggest filmmakers and he denies it still to this day. It’s pretty deplorable and credit to Dylan for making this documentary and telling her story.

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Red Carpet

Golden Globes Red Carpet 2021

GAWDDDD Covid has ruined just about everything on this earth and awards season is obviously included in that. The shitty post-holiday winter months suck so hard because there’s no Christmas cheer but there is a shit-ton of snow and cold and yet for a loser like me, awards szn helps make it not so terrible. The weather outside may be dismal but at least I could count on the warm embrace of my judgment bubble as I roast celebrity fashion choices at the Globes, Grammys, Oscars & SAG Awards. Those were the days. Obviously Covid went and cancelled/postponed most major awards shows yet for some reason the Globes were like WE WILL SOLDIER ON…virtually. And boy oh boy does virtual TV blow the big one. Nothing is more painful than watching people get interviewed on a Zoom delay or an opening monologue delivered by people on two different coasts to a room of strangers. HALF THE FUN OF THE MONOLOGUE IS THE STUFFY CELEBRITY REACTIONS TO GETTING ZINGED. Ugh. Anyway, here’s all I could manage for the red carpet. Sorry if it sucks, it’s Hollywood’s fault.

WORST

 

elizagonzales

Can appreciate this sassy leg pose but cannot appreciate her lady lumps being outlined on an evening gown, sorry dawg.

ellefanning

I mean an effort was made here and we need to first and foremost acknowledge this magazine cover photoshoot. That being said, this dress is giving me ice dancer vibes and I’m not over the moon for it but it is certainly elegant. 

rosamund

After watching I Care A Lot –which I immediately recommended to everyone I’ve ever met — I cannot stand this sharp AF bob. If you’ve seen the movie, you’ll understand why as she plays maybe the most hateable character on this earth. Spoiler alert she won and it was very deserved if looking at a photo of her triggers my hate for her fictional character. But also, this dress is straight up hideous and something you would find in a costume bin at those speakeasy sepia-toned photo booths. All she needs is a top hat and a rifle to complete the look.

julia

Makeup is flawle$$ but I’ve never been a fan of the “I can see your entire naked torso” trend.

leslieodomjr

Ah yes of course because why WOULDN’T you toss a green screen under-armour material turtleneck on underneath this designer suit. WHAT?!

cynthiaerrivo

This photographs in a much more forgiving way than I would’ve expected because when I saw it onscreen my eyes literally bulged out of my skull. It is essentially neon running gear piped into a dome dress. I thought it was fun in this picture and then once I saw it in action, I had to gracefully bow out. It is an athletic circus tent.

margotrobbie

This is so boho chic, which is a weird choice for the Globes but a solid choice for doing a tour of wine country with your gal pals. Add a trendy felt hat and sub rocker chick booties in for heels and you’ve got yourself a day, gurl. Does this make me a celebrity stylist? Obviously yes. But still not right for the Globes.

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Kate is hitting a little too close to 80’s prom with a chunky belt and fluffy sleeves.

IMG-1539

If you’re going to star in a show that is literally centered on trendy kewl Parisian fashion, you’ve gotta absolutely BRING IT to an awards show. This granny embroidered dress is NOT BRINGING IT. BONSOIR.

kenan

I know this isn’t the nicest thing to say but this picture made me laugh out loud. Between the shades on the red carpet, the cool guy hands clapped together pose and the fact that his pants are so tight I can see the outline of his Willis and Doodleberries…it’s funny as hell.

lauradern

Oh boy this is a lot going on for ya girl, Laura. Two thumbs down to the loose turtleneck/choker/whatever this is. Then your eyes wander south and hit these heels with like hoop piercings sticking erectly out of them and a chain band. Wuph. 

mayarudolph

Oh, Maya. Oh, honey. No, no, no. KITTEN HEELS AND A MUUMUU? Are you walking a red carpet or a midwestern mom vacationing in Honolulu for the first time?

reginaking

Another blurry as hell screen grab, 12/10 for puppy naps in frame, 6/10 for outfit. This is a real weird take on the cold shoulder. 

gillian

This literally looks like a curtain that has been underneath a roof leak for 15 years with a snippet from a Hell’s Angels tapestry glued to the top.

harrypotter

Wingardium Leviosa!

jamie

Holy banana boobs.

josh

WHAT ERA ARE WE IN? A NECK SCARF AND PENNY LOAFERS? NOW I’M JUST SHOUTING AND MAD. THIS IS A PERIOD PIECE COSTUME.

awkwafina

Ok, I’m done shouting. But, seriously, am I missing something? It’s literally the 70’s up in this B.

kristen

BACK TO SHOUTING. A MINT GREEN BABYDOLL DRESS, FOLKS. WITH BOWS UNDER EACH NIP. AND PINK EYESHADOW. I feel like I fell into a wormhole and ended up at a sweet sixteen circa 2003.

susan

Holy hell this is a lampshade. Also while I’m taking shots, I might add in that Susan hosted the pre-show with Jane Lynch, which of course just consisted of a bunch of zoom interviews and I’ve never seen someone stumble harder on the job than Susan. Multiple times she mispronounced the world GLOBE. TONS of awkward silences and weird exchanges and at the end before the show was about to start, they threw it to her to make closing remarks and apparently she had already checked out of the trainwreck because she just stared at the camera like a deer in headlights and then stuttered out something about how it was great before Jane realized she was completely crapping her pants on Live TV and took over.

kyra-kevin

Golden Hollywood couple and all (I can say that because it looks like Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson were not in attendance) but this baggy silk separates look was basically glorified unflattering jammies in a skin tone.

BEST

lavernecox

Total babe soda look and also she’s pulling off the milkmaid braids that I made my mom do in my hair over the summer after seeing them look cool as hell on an actress in a Hallmark movie (I’m cultured AF, I know) but when I looked in the mirror I almost puked my face off because the trend did not translate to my head. That’s a very self-centered way to tell you that she wears them better than I ever will and I’m super jelly belly.

amandaseyfried

I’m a sucker for flowers and pink so even though this has MAD salsa dancer vibes, I’m down with it.

karamo

GIVE IT TO ME WITH THIS TURQUOISE TUX, BABY.

janelevy

Could do without a mermaid bottom here and would LOVE to see what’s kickin in the back (are they bows?) but LOVE the color and material and obviously her hair looks windswept fabulous.

anyataylorjoy

DAMN this is R E G A L, yo.

sarahhyland

Bold choice to dress in the same color as the carpet from head to toe but I’d be lying if I said she didn’t look good.

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Here’s a garbage picture of Carey mid-awkward pre-show interview because THIS IS WHAT WE’VE COME TO. From her underboob to the top of her head, she looks amah-zing.

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I really ‘preciate the celebrities who went so extra because otherwise my red carpet blog would cease to exist in Covid awards days. Andra looks stunning.

sarah

Love the dress, love the purple cast as a pop of color, LOOOOOOOOATHE the hair. SLICKED HAIR WILL ALWAYS BE ICKY. Also she’s a got a real five head on her to be pulling her hair back like that at all. 

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Ooh, in the words of your fictional sister, LOVING THIS FOR YOU. Sparkles and mustard and metallics, OH MY!

amypoehler

I feel like this is a funky look for Amy and she’s crushing it. Also, I see that middle part girl. Look at you going all Gen Z on us!

christianslater

Men finally getting the memo that teal is such a baller choice for a colored suit is really working for me.

angelabassett

Angela is killin it as well with the eggplant feathers and this fierce power braid.

justintheroux

Justin’s basically wearing black jeans. What a bad boy of H’wood. Brad Pitt would NEVER.

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Leave it to Jared to exude sexy with his tousled perfect locks and a massive plastic flower. Also, I bitched about this on Twitter but it deserves to be addressed again here…how are the richest celebrities on this earth NOT springing for a webcam that costs like $50-$100 and makes your video quality look like a cinematic experience. Instead these hoes are all like nah, I’ll just use the shitty grainy cam on my laptop or ipad and we’re good to go for a nationally televised awards show.

tina fey

Tina getting real spicy with those tights. Can appreciate the hot girl move of basically wearing a men’s tuxedo jacket as a dress although it also kinda looks like she’s dressed for a CE-Hoes sorority party.

gal

Gal gave us one of the WORST early lockdown moments with the singsong celeb chorus of Imagine while the world went into a pandemic that WE STILL HAVEN’T GOTTEN OUT OF A YEAR LATER PROBABLY BECAUSE OF YOUR SHITTY VIDEO but this outfit might soften the blow. She’s WERKIN those stems and the hair is on point.

isla

Elle Woods or Isla Fisher? I wholeheartedly approve of a Barbie pink gown.

jane

Jane Fonda got the big achievement award of the evening and gave a classy acceptance speech where she shouted out the films she enjoyed this year rather than blabbing on and on about herself and why she’s so great. She also looks fab in this crisp silky suit. 

kaley

I’m obsessed with this dress. It is the quintessential princess ball gown and I want to swish all over Kaley’s mansion backyard with copious amounts of lawn furniture in said princess gown.

shira

C L A S S I C. A leg moment but understated jewels and pops of red. The perfect fancy event look.

sterling

Sterling always looks solid.

tiffany

I think dresses like this are cool as hell but I would never in a million years wear one because I can imagine that she basically cannot bend considering she’s covered in metal and also it’s potentially scratchy/stabby on the inside. Looks great tho.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

jason

They flashed to Jason and his group of fellow nominees before a commercial break and when I first laid eyes on this tie dye hoodie I laughed out loud. As someone who has worn some form of a tie dye sweat for the past 9 months I related to this HOARD. Then he actually won the award and it became very clear that not only did he not give a flying F when it came to his apparel, but he was also high as a kite. Again, really bringing the entertainment value up a notch to watch some guy whose edible just kicked in, realize he has to pull an acceptance speech out of his ass. Once the shock wore off he tried to get philosophical and Don Cheadle gave him the wrap it up signal, clearly trying to dig his buddy outta the hole. And listen, when your baby mama leaves you for Harry Styles, you get a free pass. Party on, Jason.

And as always, a shameless plug to my live tweeting, which 0.0 people care about and yet I still feel it is absolutely necessary to do for each and every awards show as if people are waiting on the edge of their seats to see what my reaction is to each dreadful minute of a 3 hour show. The day that someone starts paying me to live tweet awards shows is the day that I will finally know what pure joy is.

Starting with my advanced prep to even watch the damn thing to begin with:

In the end I returned the stupid antenna and utilized a free trial of YouTubeTV instead.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 2/22/2021

1. Rough Week is an Understatement.

As you may have heard, Lady Gaga is in Italy and while her dog walker was out walking her three dogs, he was shot in the chest and the dogs were stolen. Tiger Woods flipped his car this week and has been in the hospital getting surgery and yet we’ve heard more about Lady Gaga’s missing dogs. While I understand having an attachment to your dogs and basically loving them more than humans, I’m a little uncomfy with the fact that a human being was SHOT and all we’re hearing about is that the dogs are still missing and there’s a reward for their safe return. Should we hope that the dogs are ok? Of course. But can we also take a beat to acknowledge that a person walking them was gunned down? Also this seems INCREDIBLY extreme. These dogs are small, I feel like you could easily steal them without bullets. Gaga has asked anyone with tips to email and is offering a $500,000 reward for any leads. After watching far too many true crime docs, once there’s foul play, it really complicates a heist. There’s no way these scumbags just turn in the dogs scot-free…again dumb on their part because they obviously could’ve easily extorted the money out of her if they hadn’t rolled through with glocks. Anyway, hopefully her dog walker and the pups are all ok…and also Tiger who I literally haven’t heard a peep about since his crash on Tuesday.

2. Haz is SO Hollywood.

Ask and you shall receive. I wanted more content from these two and JAMES CORDEN DELIVERED. Shout out to my sister for tipping me off to this one and in her words, it’s 17 minutes long but it goes quick when you’re obsessed with Harry like we are. If you’re not, cliff notes version is Harry is adorable, Meghan calls him Haz, Archie’s first word was crocodile (ELITE), he doesn’t mind the show The Crown because it’s fiction (WINK) and although his family basically got mad about them taking a step back and retaliated by kicking them out, Harry says he’s never walking away. So TAKE THAT, QUEENIE. Also important to note that there’s a lengthy story about how Archie (his 1 and a half year old son) wanted a waffle maker for Christmas and so the Queen had one sent over–prob Amazon Prime..Royals they’re just like us. And at several points in the story I was waiting for the punchline or an admission that a toddler who yaps about crocodiles probably isn’t super into Belgian waffles but that never happened. It was literally just a long story about how they all eat waffles every morning courtesy of the Queen. If Harry’s going to continue to do late night appearances he might want to beef up his storytelling but we’ll let this one slide because he’s just so lovable.

3. Men Are Trash.

This happened a week ago but it fired me TF up so I felt obligated to include it. Back in June, I reported on Chris being the latest in a long line of pervs of Hollywood to be outed. Refresh yourself HERE. After making one of the WORST statements you could possibly make after several underaged girls come out and accuse you of being a perv, Chris went radio silent and off the grid until this past week. He disappeared for 9 months and this was his first statement. As I suspect you won’t want to watch the whole thing, I did us all a service and watched it painfully in full. Although the timing of the statement, the button down shirt and the classy wood paneled background were all planned to a T by whatever publicist was #blessed with Chris as a client, the statement itself was unscripted and BOY was it rough to listen to. If I may sum it up for you, Chris stands by the fact that all of his relationships were legal and consensual and boils it all down to the fact that he has a sex addiction and thought he was just lucky enough to be able to use his notoriety to bang mad chicks. He’s taken this time off to go to therapy and address his issues and work things out with his baby mama who he cheated on a whole lot. That’s pretty much it. There was a lot of stumbling and repeating himself, not a whole lot of apologies and although he admitted everything that came out looked bad…HE KINDA GLOSSED OVER THE FACT THAT MANY UNDERAGED GIRLS HAD RECEIPTS. And what is probably the most baffling about this two-bit awkward bumbling apology after 9 months of hiding and waiting for the storm to blow over is that it was WELL RECEIVED. People were like licking his butthole to tell him how happy they are that he’s back, they’re proud of him for owning up and apologizing, they hate cancel culture. blah blah blah. These are the same MF’ers who DEMANDED an apology from JT and when he gave one they were like shove your apology, you sexist pig, we hate you still. HOW. Where I come from, if you have sex with underaged girls, you are a pedo. Even if somehow there was no evidence of that, we live in #MeToo Hollywood and the sheer volume of women that he was using his “fame” to bang is enough to end his lukewarm career. And yet apparently not. Apparently this aw shucks I just really loved sex apology absolves all sins. Good to know.

4. Nick Broke Up The Band Again.

Well lookie, lookie here! A year after this EMOTIONAL Jonas Brothers reunion where they released docs about how Nick broke up the bros for his solo career and a whole lot of bangers, it looks like history is repeating itself. Nick was like y’all can’t hold me down! This is his latest single, he’ll be doing SNL as both host and musical guest this weekend and a full album is to follow. So I guess just like Taylor Swift, lockdown inspired Nick to write except instead of creating acoustic folk songs, he created baby makin slow jamz. Not 100% in love with this song…was really looking for a bop and this overproduced ditty about being lonely AF is REALLY NOT HELPING RIGHT NOW. So I’ll hold out and hope that once Covid is over (lol it’ll never be over) the brethren will once again start jamming as a trio.

5. Awwwwwwwwkwerd.

When I cringe, you cringe. A few weeks ago it was rumored that Aaron Rodgers and Shailene Woodley were dating, and everyone was like huh weird pairing and then carried on living their lives. Then Aaron casually slipped into his award acceptance that he couldn’t have done this season without his fiance. And we were like oh so now they’re engaged? Well now it is confirmed by Shai Shai herself, in the only way she knows how, awkwardly. I L-O-V-E how she’s all, it’s weird that everyone is freaking out because this isn’t new for us at all. And then proceeds to talk about how she’s never been to one of his football games because they started dating during Covid. You don’t have the right to say your engagement is old news if you’ve barely been dating for 6 months to begin with. We found out they were dating and they were engaged at the same time, and something tells me they pretty much did as well. Ev’ry Happiness To Ya Both, tho! Probably will last about as long as Paris Hilton’s 4th engagement.

BONUS:

Mr & Mrs Flamhaff warmed all of our hearts with this adorable instagram and I felt like we could all use a little nostalgic love this week. Ok fine, I could really use it. This gives me hope that fictional characters from a movie made 10 years ago are living happily ever after in their dollhouse with razzle red tongues. Also an ideal time to remind everyone of my one true wish for my 30th birthday this year…if anyone has magic wishing dust connects holla atcha gurl before May 15th.

ANOTHA BONUS:

Two whole-ass SNL skits made me laugh this week and that is unheard of these days. SNL is so irrelevant and unfunny now that I barely even tolerate a full Youtube clip of a sketch but since I consumed both Bridgerton and Drivers License, I took a few minutes out of my VERY busy days to check out these timely skits and I was pleasantly surprised.

Anytime you get a group of guys swaying to RED LIGHTS, STOP SIGNS it’s gonna be a 10/10. Plus the teenage girl in me LOVED that they were #TeamOlivia and shaded that little twerp Joshua. KICK ROCKS, JOSH.

This was just complete stupidity and I loved it., plus Chloe Fineman nailed the Daphne impression. These two creepster clowns with their weird voices simulating a brother and sister banging got me right in the funny bone and I’m not afraid to admit it. Also as someone who pretty much never thinks Pete Davidson is funny, I just gave a Salty Ju stamp of approval to TWO skits he was in. I think I need to get out more. JK I can’t because Covid. Have a good weekend everyone, I’ll just be at home doing #HotGirlShit in my fleece tie dye overalls onesie.

@thesaltyju

A little late to this trend…probably because I’m a side part lovin’ millennial 😂 #hotgirlshit #loungewearorchastitybelt #onesiesquad #feelinggood

♬ busy doin hot girl ish – Chelsea
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