Music, Pop Culture, Red Carpet

AMA’s Red Carpet 2019

I just returned from a European vacay, and in true asshole “I’ve traveled abroad” fashion, I went to Price Chopper and bought myself a whole baguette as a casj snack to pretend I don’t actually live in the trashhole that is America. Why am I telling you this? Well, because I settled in to judge the AMA’s red carpet looks with an ENTIRE charcuterie board and bottle of rosé, just by myself. There was not a snack left in sight within 20 mins of the show starting. This is the kind of qualifications I bear to pinpoint when people look bad or sound bad at awards shows. Who better to cast stones than someone who skipped the gym and ate olives, bread, meats and cheeses for dinner in sweatpants. KEEP IT COMIN, HOLLYWOOD AND I’LL KEEP JUDGING.

But enough about me, let’s briefly recap the highlights of the show. Selena SOMEHOW nabbed the opening performance and dear lord did she make everyone question that. Selena has been MIA for 2 years (in rehab & recovering from Justin Bieber dumping her again and getting married 5 minutes later to someone he wasn’t even dating at the time) and tonight was her big comeback singing her two most recent singles about getting over that Biebz good good. Unfortunately she’s delivering burns to JB by singing “you sang off key in my chorus” while SINGING OFF KEY. Her voice was beyond bad. Like I sing karaoke better than her bad. On top of that, she barely moved her body for the dance number. Really mailed it in all around and that was the kickoff to the AMA’s.

Then we got Camila & Shawn still not smooching–at this point are they even dating if they don’t tongue each other onstage? Taylor’s audience SHOCKED faces (enough of this already) and then her Artist of the Decade medley where the ONLY shade she threw was toward Selena by not including her in the besties “Shake It Off” portion of her performance. Do you think Tay sat her down and was like look, I know we’re BFF’s but your voice stinks and I only want good singers onstage with me? Cause I do. But seriously where was the Big Machine drama? Starting off by singing The Man with a white lab coat with all of your Big Machine records listed on it with a bunch of 5 year olds was not dramatic enough for me and I was v. disappointed. Other than that, Halsey’s paint ball performance was cool as hell and Shania and her leopard men brought down the hizzouse as the grand finale.

WORST

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We flew too close to the sun with Halsey’s red carpet looks, guys. She was 2/2 and I knew she couldn’t pull a trifecta. I hoped she would but here we are. Hailing from another planet, red hair rectangles glued on top of her head, eyebrows ceasing to exist & rainbow eyes. The dress isn’t the worst thing I’ve ever seen her wear but it’s not GREAT EITHER. GAWD, HALSEY.

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Great color but can’t exactly get on board with the Shaq-sized sports jacket and hard flare pants.

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Lizzo is an orange cupcake. Don’t do ruffles, girl. Just don’t. Shout out to her purse tho–wonder if she’s holding Will Ferrell’s cell phone in that.

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I’m being very honest when I say that one look at Kesha’s hair here made me want to puke. Those bangs look like they are plastered to her forehead. Also she’s wearing a robe.

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Gaga isn’t here so Xtina thought she would step up to the plate in her absence. No one should ever have block shoulders.

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Heidi out here dressing like it’s the VS Fashion Show. Is she wearing the fantasy bra?!?!

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This is such a Tyra outfit that I almost burst out laughing when I saw it. America’s Next Top Model Tyra showing us how to smize while also dressed like a slutty Panama Jack.

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I’m sorry but I don’t get Billie Eilish. She whisper sings and stares at the camera with voodoo eyes and dresses only in baggy bad 90’s trends. I DON’T GET IT. EXPLAIN IT TO ME, YOUTHS.

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KETCHUP & MUSTARD.

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I will not support these sneakers.

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Bad prom dress alert.

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I think we all know at this point that I was just put on this earth to roast Diplo’s country western act.

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Can we hook up this goober with Billie? They can wear his and hers plaid outfits and just make sounds at each other because that sums up both of their singing careers.

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This was a tough call for me as I love purple AND teal but sometimes you’ve gotta be the baaaaaad guy (see, I’m cool sometimes, Billie) and tell Shawn Mendes to put his chesties away. It’s way too much. Dial it back on putting the pecs on display at a family event.

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H O L Y BooBZ.  Y’all know I don’t like boobage and she’s serving a whole lot of it here. Plus I feel like maybe she should’ve sat this one out.

BEST

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Shania is poppin that hourglass figure and I respect the hell out of the fact that not only did she just come back from the dead for this awards show, but she also decided to wear her hair in the classic, pile it on top of your head because you don’t want to deal with it style. Left a little tail though, just in case.

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 I guess I’m really into the olds tonight but sometimes when you keep it tight and rock classic black, you deserve a nod.

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DAMNIT THESE TWO ARE CUTE AND COLOR COORDINATED.

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The men really showed up tonight with classy and unique suits.

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Pains me to do this because Nick Viall is such a fame-sucking wiener, but God I love this jacket color.

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I keep going back and forth on this. On the one hand, this looks genuinely uncomfortable and like she might pierce her boobs with sharp tin with a sudden movement. On the other hand, SHINY.

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Gr8 color choice for Jenna who already looks v. pregs.

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This is adorbsicles and also they both look fab.

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BAAAAAABE SOOOOOOODA.

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Love me some purple and I love me some Carrie’s stems.

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Camila going for the woodland *possibly nude* fairy look.

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I ate too much bread and my brain has gone to sleep so I can’t even find something clever and catchy to say about these two. They look like smokeshows. That is all.

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We’ve reached the part of the evening where I hate something so much that I come right back around again and like it ironically. This getup is giving me Lisa Frank vibez. I feel like he could have a purple dolphin on his pants and it would still fit in.

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This also applies to that theory. I had a friend in college who used to rock pigtail buns and I was so jelly that they looked cute on her because when I did them I looked like a real idiot. Constance is really puling off the PB’s and lace-up dress.

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KWEEN.

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Music, Red Carpet, Television

CMA Awards Red Carpet 2019

Honestly forgot the CMA Awards were last night because I’m poor as dirt and had to cancel my cable subscription, but happy to report I stole someone else’s so that I could still tune in to get in touch with my country roots and hear Reba perform Fancy for the 6 millionth time because that song came out BEFORE I WAS EVEN BORN. Way to stay current, CMA’s. FTR, they also trucked Dolly Parton (another host) out to bring Nashville to the house of the Lord and sing a bunch of songs about good ole G-O-D. I get that both Rebz and Dolly are basically country royalty but like…why.  And since I came hot at Reba & Dolly (sorry, not sorry) I will also make up for it by saying that the performance of Girl Crush by up-and-coming female country stars was great. AND my favorite performance of the night was Lady Antebellum and Halsey doing a medley of What If I Never Get Over You and Graveyard. It was something I never would have expected and they crushed it. All of the claps in the world for when Halsey just busts out that kickass angel voice with no theatrics or weird dominatrix dance routines. ANYWHO. Y’all know country red carpets are the BEST to judge because some people go glam, some people go white trash and black country singers find a way to mix both and I’m really hoping they stop that soon. It’s not racist if I’m just making an observation. BLACK COUNTRY SINGERS DO NOT NEED AN ADDITIONAL REASON TO STAND OUT.  LOOK TO DARIUS RUCKER AS YOUR GUIDING LIGHT. Ok. Here we go.

WORST

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Oh, Trish. Gurlfran. Leopard print–Great. Zebra print–horribly unflattering. An important lesson in animal print for us all.

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Remembs 15 years ago when Gretchen Wilson came out with Redneck Woman? Guess she’s still stickin to that mantra real hard with this outfit that I can only assume a middle-aged mom from the midwest would wear to a club in NYC thinking she’s a real housewife. One swift move and we all see Gretchen’s redneck hooha.

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No clue who this is, I just needed to bring this horrendous monstrosity of an outfit into the light. That’s one way to embrace the jumpsuit trend. Certainly can’t miss it!

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I honestly don’t even know what garbage is sprinkled all over Nicole’s dress but it looks like a kid’s arts and crafts project. Also lolerskates to Keith’s platforms, always.

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Hate to see it, but I feel like Reese just popped out of the movie poster for Sweet Home Alabama and I also feel like the trends of the early 2000’s should never be revisited.

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I recently dipped my toe in the trendy hat game, and I am very sensitive and would hate it if anyone laughed out loud at my hat. That being said, I laughed out loud at Colton’s hat. And really his whole outfit in general. I feel like he googled “NBA stars trendy” and came up with this outfit. Cassie looks fine but unfortunately when you hitch your cart to a fashion overachiever for a boyfriend, you might just end up on a worst dressed list. Dem’s da breaks.

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No one should ever wear head to toe white. Not even on your wedding day.

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UGHHHHHHHHHH I’m so over Kacey trying to be campy western forever.

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Ok, then.

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I’m a Decker fan through and through but I’ve seen both of them knock it out of the park on a red carpet and this is not it. Just trying to keep it real & challenge my crushes to constantly impress me with their fashion choices. Don’t mail it in next time, GUYS.

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You work out or something? BOOoOOOOOooOOOO.

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I feel like Kristin is constantly dressing for Broadway and maybe sometimes she could just roll up in a simple party dress and take it doooown a notch.

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I MEAN COME ON.

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I get the feeling RaeLynn thinks she’s actually Marilyn Monroe. Someone keep an eye on her wellbeing.

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I didn’t do my research (shocking to no one) and probably will sound ignorant but like, haven’t females in country music been busting through those glass ceilings left and right in the past few years? I feel like it’s the era of female country and thus this statement cape is ill-timed. Also Jennifer Nettles rubs me the wrong way and always has. Double also, if you’re going to go for a bold statement, actually spell out the F word and show you’re a real one.

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BLECH. What is happening here. Also now that she’s preggers, what will happen to her constantly having her entire body on display at every awards show? STAY TUNED.

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I lost it when I saw this poop suit and the straight SASS in which she’s posing it up. Confidence through the roof for a suede browtfit.

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Had to toss in your typical country boy who shows a little glamour for shits and giggles.

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How are we not seeing nipple here?

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Sometimes the double leg slit just weirds me out and looks like a panel that covers your bits. I’m probably being picky as hell but the more I looked at this, the less I liked it. And that’s why I have a blog that no one reads.

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This does not strike me as an awards dress and also I’m just still mad at Miranda for constantly stealing everyone’s husbands.

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I guess we’re really hitting the females in country theme home this year by bringing two of them back from beyond the grave to host with Carrie. Pains me to say it but none of these looks are blowing me away. Obviously the show contains several outfit changes, most of them during Reba’s performance of Fancy, but we’re just judging red carpet here and EHHHHH.

BEST

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I can totes get down with the constellation sprinkle on Jake’s jacket and his lady love looks like a real babe too.

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I’m loving the color coordination here and apparently I have a thing for stars this week because I’m all in on Mrs. Dierks whole dark magic vibez.

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Another couple that I hold to high standards because they always bring it for awards shows and I’ve definitely seen Lauren in better dresses but I’m not completely coldhearted and I’m not about to toss an entire family on the worst dressed. So basically their cute ass kids saved them here. I DO love Thomas’s polka dot look and really wish he performed Up instead of his song about how everyone gets old and dies. But whatevs.

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HEART EYES EMOJI. Mah gurl is 2 for 2 in recent red carpets lookin like the dime piece I know she is. I love classy Halsey and I need more of her in my life. Fingers crossed she keeps it up for the AMA’s.

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What a classic look for a real country hottie who does the opposite of Thomas Rhett and sings that grandpas never die. Real hot take. Also this is the part where I shamelessly bring it back to myself because I met him and I got to watch someone sneak into his meet & greet and give him a hat with Albany, NY on it that she specifically bought for him and it was v. cringeworthy. Plus I belong on a red carpet for my sassy pony (may it rest in peace ever since my tragic visit to Supercuts 2 weeks ago.)

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Bros lookin sharp.

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Sheryl Crow can be tossed into the pool of never-aging Hollywood greats.

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Again, I feel real uncomfy with shitting on kids fashion so shoutout to Pink & Carey and their minis really embracing the country theme. If we’re being real honest, I think I like both kids attires more than Pink’s burnt orange look.

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Daaaayummmmmn.

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This outfit & pose slayed me. From top to bottom: the protective goggle sunglasses, the HARD finger gunz, a Burberry-esque trench, the leather messenger bag like he’s going to class in 1998 and the “hiking” boots that American Eagle for SURE sold when I was in high school. SO MANY THINGS HAPPENING AT ONCE. And props to Blanco for committing to the bit and pulling the winner’s name out of his messenger bag later in the night.

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YAAASSS LEOPARD KWEENS!!!! Cough cough, this is how you safari, Trisha, COUGH.

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It appears as though Hil is wearing a waist trainer and probably ceased to breathe all evening, but she looks GR8.

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Sara Evans is approaching 50 and LOOK AT THOSE DAMN LEGS.

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I ain’t even mad that she mixed all of the animal prints because it nicely breaks up the zoot suit riot that is the rest of her group.

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I was actually so ready to shit all over this wet blanket (for those of you who didn’t see her run on the Bachelor, the nickname fits) but we all know I have a real weak spot for yellow.

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I love that this is not revealing at all and yet the rainbow makes it fun and fresh.

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Walker’s loafers look a little geeky but I’m diggin’ wifey’s dress.

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I’m pretty sure this is the only red of the evening and gurl is werking it.

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I know it’s not fair to give my favorite look of the night honor to someone who doesn’t even belong at an awards show but holy shit this is my favorite look of the night. Own those fifteen minutes and appear wherever they ask you to if they keep dressing you up like this, honey.

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What a cutie this fella is! Looking dapper with a dash of mountainman beard.

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Honestly I’ve seen like 4 people in Hollywood rock this silk PJ’s look now and I really just want a pair of these pants REAL bad. They look comfy AF.

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Ending on another high note of me shoving a picture of myself with someone famous enough to walk a red carpet right in your grillpiece. Tenille is adorable, makes polka dots look good and is also super nice and complimented my leopard pants. Because as you know, complimenting me will get you everywhere. Those are the rules. I didn’t write them. (JK, I totes did.)

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Red Carpet, Television

Emmys 2019 Red Carpet

Since I cut cable out of my life in the middle of summer when none of my shows were on and it wasn’t awards season yet, obviously last night was a real wake up call. I had to work the hardest to steal cable from my wealthier family members and then the app closed out during every commercial break so basically what I’m trying to say is appreciate this awards season content extra from my poor ass cause the struggle is R E A L.

WORST

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I mean, without fail, every time, we get a salsa dancer emoji on the red carpet. Props to this gal for being it.

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This is a glittery garbage bag.

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I’m so perplexed by this. Was the top an accident? Did they take the hem off of the bottom and then just bunch it up and toss it over her head like a bib?

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I wanted to be on board with this but it’s just too many things at once. Erect Ciny Lou-Who hair, ruffled top, wide belt/tuxedo jacket waist, cape, hard flares….WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN. Pick one of these things. ONE.

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Ugh this is SUCH a Dawson Leery tryhard outfit. Barf all over me.

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The Emmys isn’t really the time to try punk rocker chic, plz see yourself to an Avril Lavigne concert, Jenny.

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I’m sorry. I can’t get on board with brown anything. This is a poop suit.

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This chick came about 2 years late to the Met Gala “Catholicism” theme.

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Holy boobs.

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Ah, a classic outfit for when the seasons are changing. Cold shoulder for a little sun on the left, long sleeve on the right because it’s chilly in the mornings. Oh and why not just slap a pair of pants on underneath? Convenient.

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80’s prom dress, clap, clap, clapclapclap.

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I don’t need to see clear from your chin to your panty line or lack thereof.

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I can get down with a good jumpsuit but I’ve already expressed my disdain with the gaucho style pant leg coming back and if I CAN’T FIND YOUR FEET, YOUR PANTS ARE DOING TOO MUCH.

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The good news is we’re not staring directly at Alex’s erect nipples in a silk dress this year. The bad news is she still doesn’t look great.

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Meh. After making Four Weddings and a Funeral appointment TV every Wednesday night, I wanted more from our gurl Maya. This also feels like a prom look.

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Fine dress to wear to a backyard wedding, not an awards show.

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Also feel let down by the new J.Law cool girl, Sophie. This dress is essentially the same color as her skin and it’s really not doing anything for me.

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Wooooooof this bright purple does not go well with her transparent skin color.

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Only these two a-holes would OVERDRESS for an awards show that they have no business being at. Also quick shout out to them presenting the best reality TV Emmy and having the crowd BURST out laughing at “our family knows how to make good TV just by being ourselves.” And these sweet, sweet idiots were confused when everyone started laughing. CUT TO THE NOMINEES, QUICK.

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Again with the odd shapes just tossed on top. Is that a cape as a top? How does it stay up?!

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I love this color and her hair and pink lip but does the top piece not look like a saggy bikini top? It’s like Christina Long Boobs Applegate up in HERE.

BEST

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I was all set to make a Free Willy joke at first glance on this outfit but honestly she’s pulling killer whale chic OFF. And Eugene looks sharp as well.

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WHAT A PASTEL DREAM. I die for this color.

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I like both of these colors together. God, I sound like Taylor Swift now with Synesthesia but for realz I dig. Plus a jazzy plaid done right.

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B2B Pretty Princess ‘fits

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Oh Shit, Ray-J.

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Classic

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Don’t really understand how she manages to appear at every red carpet ever but we all know how I feel about yellow this year as evident by my Gold Old Navy heels that I bought on clearance in July and have worn literally every single day since. Fun fact: yellow goes with everything. Says me.

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Sterling perpetually looks fresh to death.

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Everyone’s slobbering all over this actress because everyone’s slobbering over Fleabag. I haven’t seen it but she’s crushing in this woodland fairy angel dress.

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Token blue suit that I drool over.

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Normally I would dump all over this outfit because I don’t support ladies who attend a classy event with their areolas one deep breath away from busting free, but this is Mandy Moore we’re talking about here and she’s basically an American treasure. She’s got some sassy curls and she’s giving us good leg and for that I’m willing to overlook the near nip slip.

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Suspenders thing is kinda wierd but this cooooooolooooooorrrr

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I would give my left tit for perfect ombre’d mermaid waves like these.

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Can’t go wrong with a basic black gown.

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JLD is such a babe soda.

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Great color and style for Sandra.

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One of many pink/red combo deals and I liked them all. Yes they’re all essentially the same exact dress accentuating different body parts but I’m here for it.

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I WANT THESE SPARKLE PANTS.

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There was obviously a two-for-one special on this fabric. I wonder if stylists get fired when they pull this move and put several A-listers in essentially the same dress. Someone let me know. I live for the drama.

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YaAaAaaAsssSssss Kweeeeeen. (it’s past my bedtime so now I’m just reverting to basic bitch cliche phrases but honestly this really sums up how I feel about this outfit anyway.)

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He’s still a creepster but at least he dresses ON POINT.

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Another nod to the fashionable gents representin’

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YELLOW. And this style is supes flattering on Busy & helps to distract from her cotton candy hurrr.

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This is kind of a risky look for Michelle Williams who usually wears solid color classic cut gowns. She looks beautiful as always.

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HOT PINK GET IT GURL.

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My sister texted me yesterday and said she made about 12 leopard print purchases in TJ Maxx and wore one of them around the store while she was shopping. And I replied that if my entire wardrobe could consist of leopard and camo print, I could die happy. Something tells me Bonnie gets us.

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Zendaya gets the two syllable dAYYY-UmmNNN of the evening. I mean how could she not?

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What a disco ball!

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YES YES YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES!!!!! THE ONLY REASON HALSEY ISN’T MY FAVORITE LOOK OF THE NIGHT IS BECAUSE I FELT LIKE I SHOULD GIVE IT TO SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY IS A TV STAR, BUUUUUT, CAN I JUST SAY SHE MUST BE READING MY BLOG? I HAVE HARPED ON HALSEY FOOOOORRRREEEVVERRRR ABOUT HOW PRETTY SHE IS AND SHE DRESSES LIKE A HOEBOT AND SHE DELIIIIIIIIVERED FOR THE EMMYS. (ALSO SANG A PHENOM COVER OF TIME AFTER TIME) ANYWAY BACK TO THIS CLASSY AND BEAUTIFUL DRESS AND IT’S MY FAVORITE COLOR AND HER HAIR IS NATURAL AND PRETTY AND HER MAKEUP IS MINIMAL BECAUSE SHE DON’T NEED NO MAKEUP AND OK I’LL STOP SHOUTING. IT’S LIKE I JUST WANT TO SCREAM IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS THAT HALSEY IS A BEAUT AND I LOVE HER. THE END.

FAVE LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

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At first I just thought this was unique and cool, a shiny striped dress. Then I saw her take the stage and it’s all intricate beading. Making it 100x cooler. A lot of great looks tonight but this was by far my favorite.

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Music, Pop Culture, Red Carpet

MTV VMA’s Red Carpet 2019

For the first time since 2016, I felt like I was familiar with enough singers & performances to endure the MTV VMA’s. And although they tried to dub themselves music’s biggest night, I wasn’t terribly disappointed! Am I getting cooler or is MTV just catering to my age demographic now? It’s the latter, obviously. There was a BO$$ performance from Missy Misdemeanor Elliott with a cameo from Alyson Stoner (her OG dancer) that brought the house down. Also featured: Taylor Swift, Jonas Brothers, Shawn Mendes & Camila Cabello NOT kissing but definitely creating some boner jams, Miley Cyrus and my queen Lizzo serving up some real talk. So, yes, this was an awards show for those above 25 and I accept. Here’s my breakdown of how everyone looked.

WORST

avamax

I get that her hit song is sweet but a psycho but like do we really need to dress like it’s a comic con event to hammer it home?

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I DON’T UNDERSTAND TRENDS. THIS IS A WOMEN’S SUIT STRAIGHT FROM 1982. HE WON A FASHION AWARD LAST NIGHT. HOW.

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I’ve been dabbling in Snooki’s insta lately and even (gasp) browsed her online store and tbh I expected her to look a lot cuter. This weird rain coat with wedges combo didn’t hit for me.

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DJ Khaled’s style is dad at Señor Frogs and it makes me laugh out loud because WHAT A NERD.

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I’m having a real difficult time getting on board with gauchos again. They were in circa 2005, I bought 5 identical pairs of them including a sweatpants pair from AE (versatile) and now I look back at those pictures and scream laugh at how stupid they are. Please don’t bring them back. Put them away again. You should never have to question where someone’s legs/feet are.

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What fresh hell are these shoes that look like they have teeth on them?

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LOOFAH.

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Sorry Bella but this is weird as hell. What happens if you pull the straps on the bottom? Does her whole outfit scrunch together like the living room shade that it most definitely is? God I need to know.

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HALSEY. Cuuuuuutttt the shittttt. I’m so sick of seeing you in a dominatrix outfit every time you walk a carpet. YOU IS KIND. YOU IS BEAUTIFUL. STOP DRESSING LIKE A TRASHWAGON.

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These are drapes.

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Holy SHIT Allison. What’s the point in even wearing the dress?

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Taaaaacky.

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Just Diplo bein himself, forever on my worst dressed list.

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Great bod but ya’ll know how I feel about nearly nudes on the red carpet.

I get that we had a little throwback to the 2000’s night what with the Missy Elliott medley but by no means does that require a B. Spears snake copycat on the red carpet, LET ALONE TWO.

BEST

justinmikita

FLOWER.PANTS.

queen

I’m loving Queen Latifah in orange. I’m loving her Asian tourist dubz peace sign EVEN MORE.

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I recently saw Bebe Rexha live and she turned me into a fan just by wearing leggings and shaking her ass an IMPRESSIVE amount all over the stage. Girl gives good thigh and I’m here for it.

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Best way to win a moonman? Dress like one. Respect.

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Covered up that butterfly tattoo with a nice teal suit.

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Never would’ve guessed J.Woww would be the classiest of the crew but she looks great. Living her best life without Roger.

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B2B yellow lewwwwkz. My favorite color of the moment.

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If you hate Lizzo and her cocky as shit persona then you have a big dump in your pants.

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COLORS. BLAZER WITH NO PANTS. OVER THE KNEE BOOTS. REVERSE SWEETHEART NECKLINE. WHIMSY. Her performance outfit was better, tbh but this works too.

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Pink suit really complements his blue hurrrr.

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I can’t shout out Tay’s blazer/over the knee boot combo deal without also shouting out Megan’s! #hotgirlsummer

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Billy Ray’s still got itttttttt

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Outfit looks great, I’m really concerned about the fact that Gigi is a model and her go-to red carpet move is a gaping mouth. Is that what models do now? Should I start opening my mouth for pics? Trick question I already do.

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Curveball–Lenny’s pulling OFF the Canadian tuxedo.

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Always love a subtle leopard.

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Gotta give all the props considering these three goobers wore emerald green, royal blue, and orange suits (respectively) on their stop in Albany last week and it looked like we were accidentally at a Wiggles concert. Keep it simple with greys and blacks, boys.

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DAAAYummnnNnn Whit looks like a babe soda!

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Love this move by Lil Nas X. Especially because he didn’t top it with a bejeweled cowboy hat.

TWINZZZZZZZIES. Literally. They’re wearing the exact same suit, one was the host of the show, one hosted the red carpet. Would be suuupes embarrassing if I didn’t LOVE a summer aqua. T wore it better. White sneaks awl day.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

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I don’t have words. Everything about this outfit is perfect.

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Pop Culture, Red Carpet

Met Gala Red Carpet 2019

After rocking the cross last year in one of the very rare themes I understood, we’re back to the Met just making up complete and utter bullshit as the theme. I googled it. The theme is “camp”…what is that you may ask? Well I referred to a “what does the camp theme actually mean” article and honestly walked away from the article dumber than when I began reading it. According to everyone and no one all at once, “not everything can be camp, but many things, ideas and objects can be considered ‘campy.'” WOW. With that dum dum dribble, let’s delve into Halloween in May and a rare time that I applaud those who look like assholes and reward them with a spot on the Best Dressed. (As always, apologies for the varying size photos, you would think the Met Ball isn’t held for the ridiculous outfits with the way they hold back on the save-able shots. High internet security.)

WORST

cardi

There have been far too many period comparisons to this outfit for me to see anything other than a giant pool of uterine wall shedding all over the Met Gala carpet. Also sick red swim cap to top it all off.

harry

I’m feeling ashamed for the time I so desperately defended Harry’s hotness to everyone in my family telling me he was yucky. Because this nipple peekaboo jumpsuit is yuck-yyy.

janelle

Janelle’s left tit is following me everywhere I go.

kimkimkanye

I love how Kim Kardashian is continuously invited to this shindig and never fails to show up in whatever “trend” she’s been wearing everywhere for the past month. (That Kanye 100% dictated for her.) Thanks for lubing up your cleavage and stopping by, Kim. Always a pleasure.

priyankanick

Although my instinct is to be dazzled by the sparkly shoes, I can’t with this duet. Nick looks like Gomez Addams and Priyanka is a figment of my nightmares.

met-gala-2019-emily-ratajkowski-1

Everything about this gives me the uncomfies. From the Dumbo feather ears to her just completely being naked.

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There HAS to be something living in that hair. You don’t toss hair like that out into the open air without a bird calling it home.

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I’ve stared at this a lot and I will 9000% wake up tonight with a jolt, look around my room and only see eyes.

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That hip bone jutting out actually pains me. Can you imagine physically running into her on the pink carpet? You’d literally feel like a stab victim with that pointy guy. Also we get it, you’re rich and covered in jewels.

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I don’t know what about CAMP means EYES but enough already, ya creeps.

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These two are grouped together because I ASSUME they were only invited to this because they played Freddie Mercury & Elton John respectively this year. Two of the most flamboyant and fashionably out-there singers in history. Their costumes were so over the top what I can only imagine CAMP is, and yet these two boners showed up in black suits. WOW. You really took a dare here. Plain bagels through and through.

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This made me laugh out loud because we were just graced with a public appearance from these two trolls and it’s SO soon for them to double back and switch out their wool cloaks for leather ones. Thank you for coming and showing your diversity. Back to the caves now.

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GATOR DON’T PLAY NO SHIT, YA FEEL ME?! GATOR NEVER BEEN ABOUT THAT, NEVER BEEN ABOUT PLAYIN NO SHIT.

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UGH. I already bitched about Halsey stinking up the joint with skanky outfits on my last red carpet and here she is again, rolling up to a high fashion event showing maximum skin. Great color. But cover up for a change, gurl. WHAT WOULD YOUR MOTHER THINK?!

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I don’t know if they tried to coordinate but if they did, yoikes.

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Burlesque Show Girl.

serena

I like kicks with a dress but not when that dress looks like an omelette with bacon scattered in it.

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I feel like this is more than one time that Kylie has channeled Lil Kim and at this point just become her, yo.

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OH MY GOD how badly does Kris want to be young and hip?!

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It’s hilarious to see how seriously people take this and Emma Stone is like I’m just gonna wear an 80’s tracksuit thanks.

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Originally I was going to be nice and toss her on the best because I was so intrigued by this head to toe striping but then I scrolled back up to the mechanical teeth and bananas fastened to her dome piece and had to have a real heart to heart with myself about if I’ve become soft in my old age. So Rainbow Brite Chiquita Banana can hang loose on the worst dressed.

BEST

celine

I’m so torn here. Because on the one hand, Celine’s face looks like Yzma from The Emperor’s New Groove.

yzma

Yet on the other hand, her 51 year old stems look like THAT. You know I’m a sucker for good leg and she’s giving it.

jared

I can’t help but laugh out loud at this fool. He’s so extra every year and who would’ve thought that taking it to the next level would be making his head into a purse. SO creepy and yet the hair on that decapitated head purse? Majestic. One might even call him “Sexy Jesus.”

katyperry

CURVEBALL. I dump on Katy Perry all the time for her STUPID AF red carpet outfits. She tries WAY too hard because she doesn’t have a career anymore and got engaged to Orlando Bloom to stay relevant in the world. I have to applaud her coming to this dressed as a chandelier though. It’s the straw that broke the camel’s back. From dressing as a cheeto to a double decker lamp. She’s come such a long way. I see you, girl. How could I not, you’re GLOWING. lololololol.

Lizzo-Dress-2019-Met-Gala

I declared my newfound obsession with Lizzo in the weekly JUice last week and she dressed as a G-D flamingo, which IS BASICALLY MY SPIRIT ANIMAL so yes, tysm you bright pink flaming, you.

billyporterThe 2019 Met Gala Celebrating Camp: Notes on Fashion - Arrivals

I’m pro anyone who finds a way to be carried into an event. And then have a wingspan the length of the carpet. Mad respect.

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I shit on Zendaya a lot too but dressing as Cinderella in a light up dress hits me right in the Disney princess feels. She even set up a glass slipper that she “left behind” and had this “fairy godmother” sprinkle magic dust on her for photos. COMMITMENT TO A BIT.

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LIFE IN PLASTIC, IT’S FANTASTIC. WHO DOESN’T LOVE BARBIE?!

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I like purple and I’m intrigued by this lacy legging situation.

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Ryan Murphy basically invented camp (am I doing this right?!) This ensemble is nothing short of amazing.

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I guess I’m just a real hoe for Barbie vibes because I’m loving this. I even somehow overlooked the fact that she’s very clearly wearing a G string, probably because I was drooling over how tan her back is and wondering if I’ll ever have skin that isn’t the color of ghosts someday soon.

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Wifey Miley really cleaning up her act and I’m here for it. Nothing needs to be said about that specimen on the right. Stunning as always.

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Everyone has their undies in a wad for the gents who show up not wearing a dress and heels basically. Well guess what, Michael B Jordan can wear whatever he’s comfy in and I’m still gonna say he looks like a dime piece. Also I never need to see a man’s nipples on the red carpet, cough cough HARRY.

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She is quite literally dripping in Gold.

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Could take or leave this weird dragon girl dress but ultimately put her on the best list for her hair and makeup because she looks like a real beaut.

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Basically stepped out of T.Swift’s ME era.

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I can only imagine Mindy told her stylist she wanted to be Chloe Silverado for the night and this is what they landed on. Only 3% of my already dismal number of readers will get that joke and I’m ok with it. Mind Project stan 4 lyfe.

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dAYuMn.

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I could do without the sparkle head but I mean it’s JLo and she looks like a babe soda. And ARod is killin the pink tux.

theatertheater2

Hi this guy dressed as a literal THEATER. Asshole level: 1000%. I love it.

And obviously bow down to the queen of aholes, Lady Gaga, who stripped down, literally, to 4 different outfits as she werked the carpet. No one will ever compare, so like don’t even try, ya know? Also, it’s her year so just let her do her thang.

gaga1gaga2gaga3gaga4

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Music, Red Carpet

Billboard Music Awards Red Carpet 2019

Don’t ever remember them plopping the Billboards on a random Wednesday night but they couldn’t pull one over one me! I still unfortunately watched 99% of this trainwreck. It was all downhill after Tay and Brendon rode over the crowd on a parasol (which was BOSS.) I don’t know if it was the chicken or the egg, but Tay’s video had a million ladies in pastel pantsuits and the theme for last night’s red carpet was lady blazers. Hollywood really taking a biz profesh approach to the awards scene. As it turns out, I’m here for it.

WORST

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

I’m sorry, but is this a bullet proof vest? Is this a fashion statement or necessary?

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

There’s no sight that compares to fresh post-baby abs. What a treat for the ole peepers. Also fun fact that I noticed when Cardi accepted an award last night–her boobs don’t even remotely move. Hard as rocks.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Honestly Ciara’s son deserves to be on the best dressed because he looks like a baller in his DJ Khaled sweatsuit. Take notes, Khaled, matching separates looks cute on kids, not on overweight grown men. Ciara is throwing me too much boob/leg/navel to get on board with this look.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Was Diplo coming after Post Malone and his gay cowboy aesthetic or did he genuinely think he looked great? We may never know.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

I get real heated every time Halsey hits the red carpet because she’s so pretty and she ruins that by dressing like a walking trashcan. You don’t need to wear lingerie made out of blue trash bags with purple lipstick, gurl. Go makeup free and slide on an LBD. Thank me later.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU?! This guy was HONORED with my #1 spot for ranking MK & A’s movie boyfriends (read it here) and he repays me by wearing THIS?! One cannot even classify this as a Hawaiin shirt. It’s TOO ugly to be a Hawaiian shirt. Get out of my face, James from Winning London.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Kind of a bold choice for the oldest and least relevant Jonas to go shirtless under his suit jacket. Something I never needed to see. Also three grown men coordinating their plaid 80’s suits.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

JUST COME IN YOUR UNDERWEAR NEXT TIME, JULES. Why not give junderwear a spin?

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Oh, hello Grandpa.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Not into this racing suit with vines all over it.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

What sane person would combine these colors. Marigold and Christmas tree green. WUT. Clean it up, Tor.

 

BEST

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

You’ll notice that pretty much anyone who wore something sparkly hit the best dressed. It’s Vegas and it would be wrong NOT to wear sparkles.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Brendon is really riding the Taylor train. The audience camera panned to him no less than 1000 times during the show. It’s a good thing he was wearing such a great outfit. I dig the Gold accent.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Sparkly and fun, red lip, yes plzzzz!

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

I’m gonna be honest I got distracted by the legs.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Whole FGL clan on point, right down to their color coordination. They really cleaned up their act from the days when they dressed like Kid Rock.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Gronk basically hosted the awards last night with the amount of screen time that goober had. He’s wearing dad shoes but overlooking that part, him and Camille are killin it.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

JHuddddddd get ittttttttttttt.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Dress is just whatevs but I have a lady boner for those shoes.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

It’s unfortunate that these three posed together because I would say Beanie and Olivia look meh, and I’m really just into the silver suit on the left.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

I feel like I haven’t seen Paula since OG Idol days and she looks fab city. Keep up the great work, and I mean work literally because there’s no way her face naturally looks like that.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

The newest Jonas outshined the bros by far. She was even rewarded with a mid-performance smooch.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

SNAKESKIN. SUIT. WITH SPARKLES. That is all.

Billboard Music Awards, Arrivals, MGM Grand Garden Arena, Las Vegas, USA - 01 May 2019

Could do without all the ruffles but purple is my favorite color and it’s hard to hate when those stems are struttin all over the joint.

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Red Carpet

Oscars Red Carpet 2019

Here it is. The night I dread every year because it means I no longer have a legitimate reason to drink several glasses of wine on a Sunday night and pretend fashion critic is my actual career. The night I always expect to be blown away because it’s “Hollywood’s Biggest Night” and yet every year I’m disappointed and bored to tears. Obviously this year was no different. Every stylist slobbered all over the color pink and pretty much ruined it for everyone ever again (Except for Julia Roberts who skipped the red carpet but looked like a pink babe soda while presenting best picture.) Also I stick to my guns and refuse to crown a best look of the night because I remain McKayla Maroney levels of unimpressed.

mckayla

WORST

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

If we’re being real here, I gasped when I saw Amy take the stage. She looked like an unwell ghost and this tuxedo wasn’t helping her case at all.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Just plop a giant bow on the shoulder of my Barbie pink dress. It’ll be supes classy.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

He looks like a gay clergyman, which is a real oxymoron.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

OMYGAW. I brushed hair out of my eye just looking at all the feathers poking her retina. And it gets 1000x worse as your eyes travel south, much like this bird outfit should’ve.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I laughed out loud when I saw this because I was convinced it was a #TBT picture from the 2001 Oscars. Or maybe, 2001 school dance even.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

You know I can never get down with erect shoulders.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I had a shorter version of this as a sundress 9 years ago when cinching on dresses/babydoll style was kewl.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

OMG was there a discount on pink obnoxious fabric at Joann’s this week? Must’ve missed it in my coupon email.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

This week’s edition of is she actually wearing a dress? Not really sure because all I see is skin tone. Only way you can tell she is? I don’t see nips.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Alright, that’s enough. Like really. No more.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Is he robbing a bank or attending the Oscars?

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

SHAPELESS GRANNY, CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Your weekly reminder that cutouts make even the skinniest of minis look fat.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

GR8 Camo Shorts Suit, Pharell!

rami-lucy

I got a little girl crush on Lucy after seeing Bohemian Rhapsody and honestly expected more from her. Not a huge fan of her purple puffy sleeves. And Rami isn’t wowing me either.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

If I see one more hideous pink dress I’m going to rip my eyeballs clean out of my skull. AND SARAH PAULSON WILL BE RESPONSIBLE FOR BEING THE LAST STRAW.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

This is a fashion designer. That we all wore polos from in the 90’s/00’s. We trusted his taste in clothing. That’s all.

 

BEST

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

VavaVoom Amy! SPICING IT UP, FINALLY!

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I’m a sucker for a little sass in the back and Bradley looks like a classic babe as always.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

Sparkly and sexy without being skaaaaaanky. Well done, Brie.

US-OSCARS-ARRIVALS

I ❤ the color of this dress but the hair is a hard pass for me.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

Back to back moments with this robin’s egg blue for me.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I support anyone who wants to live out their Belle fantasy on the red carpet.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Flattering and fun!

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

The Isadora diamond in How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days is what made me want a canary diamond engagement ring and I’m still not over it. My 13 year old taste in diamonds has not wavered, which is why I’m blown away by this Tiffany necklace. I WANT IT. The dress fabric hips are real weird but honestly that necklace sold the look for me and finishes out Gaga’s classy run this awards season.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

Dug the headband and the fun bottom of this dress.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Even though the dress looked red on TV and I thought Helen had lost her marbles saying her and Jason Momoa matched, I see now that she doesn’t need to be put in a home and also looks great.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

A beautiful disco ball.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Love a good puffy ball gown!

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Matching lip and lace! And yes, she’s pregnant. Don’t feel like an asshole, I also questioned if she was at this angle.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

I feel like I usually see Laura Dern in the same exact long sleeve gown every red carpet so I ‘preciate this twist and she pulls it off!

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Every girl collectively swoons at MB Jordz bringing his mom as his date. She’s on my best dressed as a courtesy and because I thought it would be rude to crop her out (Earn your spot, Mama Jordan, no handouts going forward.) Michael looks like a stunner as always.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Jason is 100% easily my favorite pink look of the night. Right down to his matching scrunchie. Get itttttttttt. (Again, drama with cropping out what clearly doesn’t belong on the best dressed….Lisa it’s obvious you should see yourself out.)

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Honestly I miss Paul Rudd. Where’s he been?

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Was this the only white dress of the night? It’s basically a sheet cinched at the hip and yet Regina looks sexy.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

My way of including the guys who stand out from a regular ole black tux.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

A vision in blue.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Honestly I don’t have a best dressed of the night because I wasn’t blown away by anyone and I’m not gonna bullshit for the final night of awards season. Do better next year ya buhholes. So in closing, here’s not one but TWO photos of a celebrity flashing the peace sign on the red carpet of the biggest awards show of the year like he’s a dad posing in front of the Eiffel Tower and not nominated for Best Actor (lookin at you Viggo.) It made me laugh. A lot. (Also peep Ed Begley Jr’s kicks for an extra laugh. WHAT ARE THOOOOOOOOSE?)

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