Music, Television

Grammy’s 2016 Recap

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I’m not really sure when it was exactly that the Grammy’s turned into one giant tribute but it was so aggressive that I actually questioned if it was the Eagles playing their own songs or someone covering the Eagles in honor of Glenn. (Clearly I don’t know my classic rock bands.) They even tossed in a Lionel Richie tribute while he WATCHED front row. Hey…Lionel’s alive! And able to come onstage…let’s cool it with the memorial for his music. Anyway, here are the highs and lows of last night’s 5 hour situation.

NO:

-LL Cool J is the host and I forgot that he hosts every year and it’s the worst moment of my life realizing I have to watch that Kangol speak and probably say “knock ‘em out L, KNOCK EM OUTTTTTT.” At one point he tells everyone to hit him up on Instagram. Ok, L.

-Everyone in Taylor’s squad RSVP’ed “maybe”? The only one who showed up was Selena. What a lame turnout. Related side note: they really cut back on audience cams of Taylor dancing. What gives, CBS? (Thanks for pointing out this super embarrassing handshake of hers though…)

-Legitimate question, do you think Selena cried every time Tay won because she knows she’ll never win a Grammy with her garbage can pop hits and skanky vids? (Or was she just trying to fill the BFF and boyfriend void because apparently no one could make it?) Just wondering.

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-Turns out I didn’t know any songs by Lionel Richie but seriously how nerve-wracking is that to perform his hits with him judging in the front row? Luke stuck out like a sore thumb trying his hand at easy listening (and NOT shaking his ass), and Lionel literally had to get up there and be like k, move aside dipshits, I got this.

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-Gwen Stefani got paid a bajillion doll hairs by Target to do a “live music video” commercial where she used a lot of body doubles and didn’t fall down rollerskating SO WHAT’S THE FUN IN THAT?

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-Hamilton the musical gets a sideshow performance from NYC. I hate to sound like an uncultured a-hole, but leave the musicals for the Tony’s. I’m not down with sneaking theater into the mix like I won’t even notice. I NOTICED.

-Gaga dresses like Bowie and lets spiders crawl over her face via green screen. YAY nightmares. (PS this is totes a performance dads would like, as in my dad, because he wouldn’t let me talk trash about Gaga during the SuperBowl and also he’s old and therefore liked David Bowie.)

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– A 12 year old plays the piano while Common and the old white guy who’s at every awards show bop along awkwardly. This could have been a metaphor for the entire evening.

-Biebz Part 2 with Skrillex & Diplo was roughsicles. I commend them for kicking things up a notch with a little percussion but pitch-wise it was terrible. Even worse? We didn’t get one reaction from Selena. I will personally hitch a camera on my shoulder and film the audience next year if that’s what it takes to create a little drama at the Grammys.

-Hey guys, Johnny Depp’s in a band now with Alice Cooper and they’re tearing it up old guy style with a lot of eyeliner. It was embarrassing and weird and I could’ve done without it. #WhenDadJokesTurnIntoDadBands

-Pitbull closes out the night with Sofia Vergara dancing as a boxed taxi and Robin Thicke trying REAL hard to make a comeback. Oh and Keith Richards played guitar. DALE?! (My next door neighbor’s 6th birthday party was car themed and everyone had to wear a box car and visor around his backyard all afternoon. What’s your excuse, Sofia?)

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YES:

-Taylor opened with “Out of the Woods” and the most entertaining part was when she strutted through the crowd (catwalk style, obviously) and no one knew what to do. Clap, guys. Applaud her jazz hand theatrics.

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Ladies & Gentlemen, please welcome to the 1989 Stage…THE GRAMMYS!

-My dad may have created “Bye Felicia” but I have diamonds!!!!

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-Carrie Underwood threw a curveball and let her vag hang out onstage for a steamy performance with Sam Hunt.

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-Ariana Grande introduced the Weeknd and apparently thought she was auditioning for a one-woman variety show on Nick. No one laughed, which in turn, made me laugh a lot.

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-Demi bringing down the house with a cover of Hello and the sexiest biz casj I ever did see.

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-Stevie Wonder’s sparkle shirt with camo jacket and NEON gym sneaks. I spent too much time while he sang with Pentatonix wondering if he was trolling us because no seeing person would purposefully dress themselves like that BUT THEN he bullied everyone for not being able to read Braille. WHAT A BUNCH OF IDIOTS WHO CAN SEE HAHA. YOU’RE ALL SUCKERS WHO HAVE EYES THAT FUNCTION. Keep doin you, Stevie.

-James Bay and Tori Kelly duet a mash up of “Hollow” and “Let it Go” and it’s buttery smooth. It would be kewl if I could hire them to sing me a lullaby every night before bed.

-Kendrick Lamar does a little ditty about black injustices complete with prison bars, shackles, & a large fire that scares all the white people in the crowd. It was probably the most entertaining thing of the night to see 0.0 white crowd reactions. (Especially so hot off the heels of everyone realizing that Beyonce is black.)

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-It sounded like the Biebz might have been slangin some voice lessons when he did “Love Yourself” acoustic in a jacket he borrowed from Sammi Sweetheart. Then he promptly smashed his guitar and it was an omen for the remainder of the performance. #BadBoyLife

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-1989 wins album of the year and Taylor takes a big giant dump on Kanye’s face.

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YEAH THAT’S RIGHT. BURN CITY: Population, KANYE.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of April 6th

1. Tyra Banks/Eve buzzed her head. EVE’S GREAT NO MATTER WHERE SHE GOES, DRESS HER UP FROM HER HEAD TO HER TOES. No seriously the only reason I’m ever reporting anything about Ty-Ty is because it gives me an excuse to shout it out to Eve from critically acclaimed film Lifesize and also post the infamous Tyra meltdown from America’s Next Top Model. Happy Friday folks. It’s the little things that get me through the day. Actually though I think that Tyra Banks is Eve the human Barbie doll and genuinely got this haircut so she could be a business woman because her quote she gave to People about the big snip is that it makes her feel like a “futuristic businesswoman.” Shine bright, shine far. BE A BUSINESSWOMAN WITH A PIXIE.

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The "TyTy Chop" as seen on Eve. (Thx @arry_ka)

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2. Selena will be brought back as a creepy hologram to tour. Call me wacky, but I’m just the type of person that wouldn’t pay money to see a dead person reincarnated as a digital image singing in concert. Seriously though can we cut the shit with the hologram biz and just let the dead R.I.P? Selena’s sis Suzette said “By no means is this something that’s creepy or weird.” Hey Suze, that’s EXACTLY what this is. You’re trying to get singers to collaborate with a dead person for fresh material to get new fans for someone who is no longer living. This is the definition of creepy and weird. More importantly, I really hope the hologram will have an updated style.

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3. Jennie Garth is engaged…not to Dylan. Damn it Kelly, I really thought you and Dylan would be married by now. JK guys, just a little 90210 humor for ya. I think I had too much coffee this morning. Whatever. I took the Jennie Garth/Peter Falcinelli divorce pretty hard, which is probably weird but whatever they seemed like a fab couple. HOWEVER I’m happy to see that she has moved on because she’s still a dime piece so congrats Kelly Taylor.

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4. Anne Hathaway and Emily Blunt Go OG. 

MIC DROP. I watched the first episode of this show like I said I would and there was way too much LL Cool J lip licking and not enough John Krasinski–well his wife threw DOWN this week and convinced me even more that they’re one of the coolest couples in Hollwood. They can hang. Even Anne Hathaway tried not to be the most hated and stepped her game up, get it in those leather pants girl. A+ all around.

5. The Longest Ride comes out this weekend and if you’re female you’ll probably like it….because:

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Do the right thing.

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Music, Red Carpet, Television

Grammy’s Red Carpet

It was music’s biggest night and the singers put on their best, which unfortunately wasn’t great. The best dressed list was a true struggle to populate and it’s not just because I’m a judgmental asshole. I had people weigh in this time. Let’s get things started with the never-ending

Worst Dressed:

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Ariana Grande with her signature tight ponytail that looks like it’s painful and a gown that looks like it was unfinished so they pinned a scrap of metallic material over it in an emergency.

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Ashanti. Do less. Also how dare you show up to the Grammy’s without Ja Rule on your arm? Show some respect.

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Charli XCX. Do even less than Ashanti. Was this supposed to be a bit? Did I miss something here?

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Trash bag meets unraveling loofah on Ciara.

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Damn it with those milkmaid braids that look to be weighing your head down, Iggy. I don’t even hate the dress because I’ve seen her do worse, but those braids really rough it up.

Jane Fonda

Legit question, why is Jane Fonda at the Grammys? In a green leisure suit nonetheless.

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I actually don’t understand how Kanye is seen as a fashion icon. His obsession with deep V’s is almost as aggress as his wife’s obsession with showing off her lady bits on the internet.

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I had to do a double take because I thought that Katharine McPhee was JWoww.

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I think I actually like the purple hair more than I like this dress.

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Kimmy, thanks for gracing the Grammy’s with your presence in a bedazzled bathrobe. Would you like me to grab your slippers?

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Bonus points for matching the hair to the dress but yikes put the bewbs away.

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KANGOL. NUFF SAID.

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Madonna, you’re 56, woof. Time to retire the corsets.

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This is conservative for Miles. That being said she looks straight up terrible. Is she coming down from a bender?

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I would expect nothing less from someone who sings about buhholes.

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Pharrell & Wife trying to one-up his historic Arby’s hat moment from last year with a nice readywear gym couples outfit.

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Rihanna saw this online and thought it was cool. I’m wondering if that means she stumbled upon the DIY loofah costumes on Pinterest. She looks like she’s 400 pounds.

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Ryan Adams taking his divorce with Mandy Moore well in a Canadian Tuxedo.

Zendaya

The Dumb and Dumber hairstyle, the hideous colored dress and matching lip. No thank you, Zendaya.

Best Dressed:

Anna Kendrick

Anna Kendrick with the ever popular this season, tuxedo-no bra combo.

Beyonce

BeyBey with the mermaid waves and form-fitting lace gown.

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Chrissy Teigen crushes red carpet looks all day erreday.

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Gwen Stefani wearing the pantsuit well and also keeping up appearances for her performance (see recap).

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I see you in that green velvet suit, Jesse. ❤

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Jennifer Hudson’s hair is looking pretty mom-ish but damn that body! The dress fits her well and looks great.

Mary J. Blige

MJ Blige with an age approps and beautiful gown.

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I’m still half in half out on this one, but I think I’m leaning toward in so here it is. Meghan Trainor trying something different.

Miranda Lambert

Not my favorite for Miranda but she crushes her peformance outfit so that helped her make this list. (see recap)

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Normally not a hat person but Ne-Yo is lookin real smooth.

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Nick Jonas with the fitted plaid suit paired with white kicks. Wish he picked different shoes but he looks real trendy.

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Nicole truly looks the best I’ve seen her look in a long time. Keith doesn’t deserve to be on the best dressed because of THAT HALF UP, HALF DOWN HAIRDO. NO KEITH. NO PONIES. (He also seems pretty casj about Nicole TOWERING over him.)

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Lovin on that dress on Kimberly and the sleek pony.

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Hate the hair, half in on the dress. I think the sparkles distracted me. And I drank a lot of wine tonight.

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Jessie J in this sheer black number is pretty classy. Never into the greasy slicked back hair.

AND THE BEST DRESSED OF THE EVENING GOES TO:

The 57th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

This isn’t even me being a biased Taylor super fan. This look is awesome. The dress fits well, has sass in the back, is a spicy color and the legs + purple heels just seal the deal for me. Could’ve gone without the earrings that look like ones my mom used to have that I thought were costume jewelry and she was like no these are real earrings I wear in public, but whatever. I’m not going to nitpick, it’s not really my style. 😉

Keep reading for the full 4 hours condensed into highs, lows and cat naps in my Grammy’s Recap.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

1. Andi Dorfman and Josh Murray hit up Splitsville-Population: 90% of Bachelor(ette) contestants. The pair have “mutually ended their engagement” and everything is peaceful as can be for a breakup that will be dissected by Chris Harrison for years to come. I think we all saw this coming ever since jelly belly Nick blurted on national TV that him and Andi banged one out in the fantasy suite. Fingers crossed that he comes crawling right out of the woodwork now that the split has hit the news. It seems as though Bachelor fans are really floored with this breakup because Andi and Josh were like REALLY in love…you know because they declared it via Insta and Twitter every few hours. Methinks that if you have to broadcast it so often and you also met on a reality television show maybe it wasn’t the real deal. Jus Sayin. Bet Andi is really kicking herself that she also lost out on Prince Farming and someone who gives free hugs now has the edge over her.

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2. Kept hush hush until this week, Blake Lively birthed the perfect human and if I had her number I’d text her “Pics or it didn’t happen” because seriously, we need to see this kid. No name or gender is revealed so obviously stay tuned for further information. Since this barely qualifies as news with no proof, Nick & Vanessa Lachey also had a baby this week and named her Brooklyn Elisabeth. Super cute, somewhat normal and they have my stamp of approval for name choice.

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3. Tha Biebs did Calvin Klein and they had to photoshop him a whole lot so he didn’t look like the pre-pubescent teen that he is. Stiff competition to release a Calvin ad RIGHT after Nick “droolworthy abs” Jonas did. Biebs clearly had to add in something or else it would’ve been lost in the shuffle of his delinquent news and platinum blonde locks. With or without his fake abs and happy trail I’m not in the least bit turned on by this ad. Nick Jonas for the win (and obviously vintage Marky Mark for the overall win.)

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4. Jimmy Fallon’s Infamous Lip Sync Battle segment will be it’s own show debuting on Spike in April. I was getting all revved up about it until they announced the host is LL Cool J. WHY is LL Cool J EVER THE HOST OF ANYTHING?! He is the CHEESIEST guy alive. And he wears a Kangol unironically. Like Date Mike.

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5. This music video for Sia’s “Elastic Heart” came out and was getting a lot of buzz. Obviously people are a liiiiiitttle overly sensitive about the dancing that’s going on between Shia LaBeouf and like 11 year old dancer Maddie Ziegler. I think everyone’s concern should actually be that anyone hired Shia again after he had a baby meltdown recently and was attending press events with a paper bag over his head. Either way…watch the video and decide for yourselves. It’s obv real weird and artsy (I’m trying to make us all more cultured) but I dig the song and also all I could think the whole time was how I wish I were light enough to be flung around like little Maddie. Damn kids.

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