JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/10/17

Hey remember when I used to razz real hard on the headlines from the week and everyone was like CAN’T WAIT TILL FRIDAY so I can hear the important opinions of The Salty Ju on buzzworthy topics?! Well Hollywood’s been a real drag this summer and I wasn’t about to do 5 bullet points on Slob Kardashian vs. Blac Chyna so I went on hiatus. But I’ve pulled myself out of retirement because the Queen has finally broken her vow of silence and I simply cannot go down without shouting my opinions across the internet in rebuttal.

1. Sir Carter & Rumi.

Sir Carter and Rumi 1 month today. 🙏🏽❤️👨🏽👩🏽👧🏽👶🏾👶🏾

A post shared by Beyoncé (@beyonce) on

Staying true to her pregnancy announcement photos, Yonce stayed in hiding and released a professional portrait for the announcement. She looks great but let’s focus on the fact that she named her son Sir. As in please SIR, may I have some more? What a DUMB name. That’s like naming your daughter Ma’am…which in itself is offensive because no one under the age of 75 should ever be addressed as Ma’am. I got ma’amed once at a gas station by the attendant and almost took a lighter to the joint. So like this kid is going to grow up a little bit and be confused AF about when someone is talking to him or not. Also, since she put Carter after Sir and not after Rumi, am I to assume that his name is Sir Carter Carter? PLZ clarify this, B. Unless she’s really doubling down on her #FEMINISM and giving the twins her last name, which would mean Blue Ivy has a different last name than her sibs and that would be a real dick move. To be clear, I don’t love the name Rumi either but it’s not as downright preposterous and personally offensive as Sir Carter squared.

2. Wedding Season.

The weekend finally arrived- And it was MAGICAL!!! The weekend my best friend, my love of my life, and my new husband @brookslaich and I brought our family and closest friends together to have fun, encourage love, and celebrate our marriage! I'm so grateful I get to spend forever with this incredibly kind, thoughtful, strong and adventurous man. I'm the luckiest woman in the world to be your wife! It was truly the most special time in our lives and because we believe so much in putting love out into the world to help inspire and encourage others, we have decided to share our special day with all of you. To get an inside look check out the link below! Much love to you all! ❤️ J+B 👰🤵 http://people.com/tv/inside-julianne-hough-brooks-laich-wedding-photos/

A post shared by Julianne Hough (@juleshough) on

Julianne Hough got married to her hockey playin hunk and natch had Marchesa custom design like 1500 things for her to wear through the course of one day. She looked stunning of course and had a body suit created for her reception so she could drop it low in comfort. #Goals.

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3. Emmy Noms.

Click HERE for full list of nominations but know that the only reason I bring this up is because soon enough it’ll be awards season again and I will be glued to my couch with wine and chips calling celeb fashion choices hideous. Also I always like to pat myself on the back when I’ve consumed something worthy of an award. This year I can check two off the list…Big Little Lies and This is Us. I think This is Us is incredibly overrated and everyone is shitting their pants over it just because TV has gotten SO bad but like also I’m not about to stop watching it and be out of sync with what the rest of the world is talking about. Big Little Lies on the other hand was addicting as shit and also might’ve given me a couple of nightmares. I put up with the darkness just so that I could tell people I’m cultured, obv. It’s like when I read 1000 trashy erotic novels and mix in ONE NY bestseller that everyone is buzzing about every year so that when someone says oh what’re you reading, I can swiftly reply with Girl on the Train and spark an intellectual conversation instead of shamefully admitting that I’m currently engrossed in “How to Handle a Cowboy” with a shirtless man on the cover.

4. Winter is Coming.

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Never on this planet am I looking forward to winter especially because summer basically just started and my full-on tan has finally kicked in. HOWEVER, everyone who knows me knows that I love to get down with the Olympics. Last winter Olympics my sister and I watched figure skating every day during work and I threw an Olympics themed house party that consisted of my 4 friends (while my parents were out of town) wearing red, white and blue and me shouting DRINK every time someone fell while skating or skiing. (Or if there was a closeup on Bob Costas’ juicy pink eye) Last summer I declared I was going to throw a round 2 of that party on opening night but then realized that it’s only fun to do in winter when there are no other options but to watch TV and drink. Also I was really hungover. Get ready to party in February 2018 though. Gus, the Sochi puppy rescuer of 2014 is back and figure skating is always LIT. (Are the youths still saying that?) Whatevs. South Korea here we come!

5. Ease Up on that Corduroy Jacket.

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Apparently Zayn and Gigi are the Vogue poster children of gender fluidity because they “wear what’s comfy”. Well this is some bullshit. Just because Gigi throws a track suit on just like her boyfriend she’s suddenly a spokesperson for that new “it” phrase gender fluidity? Get outta town. I wear asexual sweatpant shorts and baggie tees/sweatshirts all the time. I thought it just meant that I was lazy and dressed kind of like a slob kebab, but apparently this whole time I’ve been championing a very important social cause. K.

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POLITICS BONUS:

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The man who sang “Bawitdaba, da bang, da dang diggy diggy” and wears fedoras over a doo rag is running for the US Senate. That is all.

EAR BONUS:

Too bad this song came out this week and narrowly missed the Summer Palooza 2017 cut. It’s pretty bada$$ though and I ship it.

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Pop Culture, Television

Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show 2016

YAASS YAAASSS more, more, more beautiful young people strutting their T&A all over my TV. But seriously, last night marks the annual outpouring of girls on twitter crying that they don’t have VS angel bodies, while also snapping pics of the pizza box next to them. This year, instead of doing the same, I came full circle through my stages of grief and landed on acceptance. I accept that I will never have a model body and that I went out for beers and fried pickles last night instead of going to the gym AND I FEEL GR8 ABOUT IT. I also now really want a pair of over the knee suede boots. So thank you, Victoria’s Secret. We’ve come a long way. Also here are five things that made me laugh in the one hour that I watched half naked biddies strut.

1. DOG purses featured in a FASHION show with LINGERIE. 

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Hey girrrrrls, you know what’s super sexy? Doing a cute little shimmy in your sheer teddy for your boyfriend then grabbing something out of your purse shaped like a dog. Why is Pink allowed in the same show that features girls letting us inspect their labia on the runway, essentially? It must end.

2. What replaces wings?

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Still not as good as last year’s literal firecrackers strapped to a model’s back, but getting stuck with the wheel of fortune ISN’T GREAT. Also, an actual dragon.

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3. Musicians + Models=Awkz.

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I cringe at this year after year and they still never learn. The musicians try so hard to interact with the models and they quite literally can’t comprehend what to do. It then results in some awkward stand-offs and weird hand clasps. Lady Gaga takes the cake this year when she charged at the model with the giant black wings like a bull and weirdly froze and stared at another one. I expected nothing less from her.

4. Bruno Mars is a grain of rice on the runway.

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Seriously, he’s wearing high heels and these models are still twice his size. I mean, I knew he was short but damn it was like a performance by the Borrowers. THAT FUR COAT ISN’T DISTRACTING US FROM YOU BEING THE ONLY GUY WHO CAN EASILY RUN UNDER AN ANGEL’S WINGS! 24K Magic still bangs though.

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5. Eat your heart out, Weeknd.

Bella Hadid makes her debut, gets a killer outfit instead of the typical first year “no one wanted to wear this” number and then struts that ass on by her ex-boyfriend who basically crawls up her buhhole as she passes. Sidebar: She also ate a banana in slow-mo this week in a porny 80’s aerobic video for Love Advent, so she’s really living her best life. (I know that because it was a headline on People…and also I watched it.) Anyway, Bella-you do you, girl. Maybe with a little more personality though? Just a friendly suggestion from one professional model to another.

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Bonus: This is what front row of a fashion show looks like.

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Double Bonus: GIGI ❤

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And last but not least, to all the ladiezZz who were boohooing into their ice cream last night. Take solace in the fact that Irina Shayk walked the runway preggers with Bradley Cooper’s baby, and still had a flatter stomach than I ever will. The end.

irinashaykirina

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/30/16

I feel bad that we haven’t JUiced together in a while (if that sounds disgusting to you, pls know that I laughed while typing it.) And although there were only a couple noteworthy news stories this week, I still decided to post, y’know FOR ALL MY FANZ.

1. Tayvin is dunzo.

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After a little over a year…or as every news media outlet feels the need to point out FIFTEEN MONTHS (as if their relationship was a newborn baby that goes by age in months until they turn 5) T and C have broken up. It is rumored that Calvin ended it, and the two broke the “silence” about it a day after the announcement with:

So like, it’s over. They probsicles won’t get back together and the world will keep turning. Were they a hawt AF couple? Duhs. Since I’ve built a blog on my snarky hot takes I’m just going to throw it out into the breeze that not too long ago Taylor decided to chop all her hair off and bleach it real hard, also changing her look to 90’s grunge in the process. I’m not SPECIFICALLY saying that this was the cause of the breakup but like… come on. Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus ended their engagement rrrriiiight around the same time that Miley buzzed her head and started dressing like an off-duty stripper. Jus sayin. Tossing it right out there and you can feel free to toss it right back. I look forward to whatever hunk Tay snags in the future and hopefully an entire album full of All Too Well’s.

2. Zay-Gi is dunzo. (Did we ever even have a couple name for them? Whatever.)

gigizayn

After seven months of dating and a suuuuper weird music video for Zayn’s solo debut, these two have also called it quits. I mean, they really crushed the Met Ball red carpet but other than that I pretty much had no investment in this relationship. Zayn’s kind of a turd for leaving 1D just so he could release a couple songs with F bombs in them that hint at bedroom times. GiGi’s a smokeshow and realistically Zayn was outkicking his coverage in the first place. Guess that means the SQUAD IS SINGLE (please read in WOO girl voice). Selena, GiGi and Tay about to be out wrecking dick this summer. Was that too graphic? Good. SQUAD SUMMER COMMENCE. (Hey girls, give me a call if someone’s out sick one night and you need another single lady to hit the town with.)

3. The Hills is 10 years old.

lcshocked

10 years ago this week, we were introduced to a few 19 year olds who were juggling “work” and play in LA. That means 10 years ago I was dreaming of the day, when I too, was old enough to live by myself in the city and party hardy. Joke was really on me when I learned that young adulthood bloooows IRL when you don’t have a producer paying for everything. Anyway, usually the first to pretend The Hills didn’t exist, LC addressed the anniversary and announced a special to air August 2nd on MTV for the fans. It will include BTS stories and answer fan questions. YAAASSSSSSSS. Thanks for my belated bday gift, LC. THIS IS ALL I EVER WANTED. Then they took it one step too far and are supposedly shopping a movie idea around (which LC has yet to sign on for…good call.) The rough plot is modeled after a Sex & The City movie and will catch up with the ladies in their marriages/baby life. NO. THANKS. That literally sounds HORRIBLE. Following a bunch of morons around as they navigated their 20’s on “reality” tv? Gold. Following a bunch of moms for a 2 hour movie? Dirt. Here’s hoping that never happens and instead we get a kickass special where Stephanie Pratt finally tells us she’s learned the difference between a hamster and a guinea pig.

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4. Put your muffs away, ladies.

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OH IF IT’S FOR A GOOD CAUSE. BY. ALL. MEANS.

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This isn’t cute. This is junderwear. Junderwear is when Daisy Dukes get so short and tight that they basically just morph into your undercarriage and you’re essentially rolling around in a jean diaper. To be clear, this isn’t me body-shaming. I have a pair of jorts that slowly over time (100 pizzas and donuts later) turned into junderwear and I acknowledge the fact that they are such. IT DOESN’T MAKE THEM SEXY. IT JUST MAKES THEM JUNDIES. Regardless, this is it’s own headline on the JUice because I’m sick of famous ladies being like hey check out my RB curtains, IT’S FOR FEMINISM or IT’S FOR GUN CONTROL! LoLzzzz! Seeing a lady’s basement does not make me think harder about problems facing our world, and then influence me to take action. And that’s just a fact. THESE ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH REASONS TO SHOW OFF YOUR BITS. And that seems preeeetttttyyyyyyy obvious. End. Rant.

5. Here’s a music video that made me confused.

Timeflies released a music video for their catchy jam Once in a While. Except it’s pretty weird. Either way I didn’t have five things to talk (type-yell) about this week so just enjoy this beat, feast your eyes on Cal and wonder what the motive was behind having a girls’ eyes spazz out and wink one at a time for a music video. That pool party looked fun though…my invite must’ve gotten lost in the mail.

PS Happy National Donut Day! I waited until I was safely in the confines of my vehicle to go to town on my frosted treat. Unfortunately, I was still technically at work and was caught red-handed taking a donut selfie. Whoops. Sometimes bragging to others is more important than actually enjoying the donut. Which I did. Real hard.

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Red Carpet

Met Gala Red Carpet 2016

Welcome to the Met Gala, where all the tweens are invited and there’s always a weird theme that the Olsen Twins promptly ignore. This year’s theme was: Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology…whatever the F that means. Let’s judge.

Woof:

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Kewl stars, Dakota.

Did Solange just dye last year’s dress yellow and add some latex leggings? #LEMONADE

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Not only is this a granny dress but her face is scarin me.

zendaya

THAT BOWL CUT THOUGH. DAMN.

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madonna

On what planet does anyone want to see Madonna’s nips or buhhole?

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Katy Perry is quickly becoming the next Gaga with her dumb outfits and I will not go quietly into the night about this. I do miss my tamogatchi though.

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How does one accentuate their curves? By adding a bunch of buckles, apparently.

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Ever the rebels, the twins show up in cloaks as per usual. Endless ciggs have been treating MK’s face well. She looks suuupes youthful.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

What fresh hell is this seaweed dress, Cindy Lou Who hair combo, Lupey?

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Beyonce looks good because she always looks good but I hate this dress. The color, the latex, not for me. SARRY guess I’m just Becky with the good hair.

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Kim doesn’t look tha worst, but Kanye VIBES West ruined it.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

I feel bad consistently putting Kris on the worst dressed, because you can tell she tries so hard but like, let your daughters outshine you and retire the choker.

MET Gala 2016

Speaking from someone with 100% natty boobs, I don’t know if it’s normal for fake tits to sit at someone’s throat but something isn’t right here, LaLa.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Just, wtf is this. Save this bad boy for a 4th of July beach cover-up.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

If she had covered her bodice more I would’ve been down with this because the silver feathers are elegant. But I can live without seeing your crack whisper out of the tailfeather.

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This year’s sponsored by Hefty, Trash Bag Edition.

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Following up the garbage bag dress, here’s random recyclables sewn togets.

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Do Less.

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Hey Ciara, every man above 60 called and they want their toup back:

karl

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Love that the feathers weren’t enough, there also needed to be a majestic butterfly fluttering across this gown.

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I looked right at this outfit and had to do a double take thinking it was 15 years ago and Jen Lindley was attending the ball.

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The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

What’s happening here?

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Furrever 15.

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This looks like a costume from Practical Magic.

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I mean, typs for Gaga.

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Never wear a white tux if you’re a white and that’s obvious.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

I can’t even look at this dress because it feels like Katie is staring into my soul.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

It’s possible Karlie landed on the worst dressed purely out of jealousy.

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HEY Kerry’s preggers again. Also she’s attending a Halloween party.

Yaasss:

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This pose made me laugh for several minutes and I’m not afraid to admit it. The look is actually great, especially for hairy, scary Lorde, but that side head is outrageous.

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Brie’s closing out a hot red carpet season with this sparkler.

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I’m digging the dark locks on Emma. Plus this dress honors the theme without being outrageous.

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I think I drooled looking at this picture. Nbd.

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I wish her hair wasn’t so erect but the dress is hot stuff.

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This dress is flattering in every way.

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I’ve got a thang for blue tuxes.

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Cinderella, IRL. Going to a rave:

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Looking dapper as always. WONDER IF HIM AND KHUD SMOOCHED.

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This is some robot fairytale shit. GiGi looks like a smoke and Zayn is her literal knight in shining armor.

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Alessandra’s dress is just the right amount of weird and also it looks comfy AF.

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That smolder though. Panty flooder.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Didn’t even need to include the pic with Jeets because Hannah knocks my socks off all on her own.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Sometimes Chloe has a tendency to dress like she’s straight out of a Delia’s catalogue but I like this look on her.

MET Gala 2016

Scary goth face, pretty dress.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

I wish I could wear this dress. Like, anywhere. What a beautiful fairy.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Demi has looked fierce as hell in every appearance ever this year.

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Mindy’s lookin fresh and possibly has a keyboard clutch?

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This dress is from H&M, so that us commoners can also dress for a ball.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

I’m torn on this. On the one hand, she looks like a sassy sailor, on the other hand she’s wearing white clam diggers at a ball. You decide.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

This kind of looks like trash gathered from a beach but I like it and I bet it’s comfy to lay in.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Kendall maintains as best dressed Jenner/Kardash

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Never did I think the day would come when I’d toss a compliment Kylie’s way but she really cleaned her shit up. She looks classy and essentially is wearing the same dress as Kim and looks a bajillion times better. Take notes, Kimmy.

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Let your hurrr downnn!!!

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Kate couldn’t even sit in this dress so that blows but she looks like a dime.

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Adorbs

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

From the neck down, I’m all over this shit. From the neck up, I’d like to gauge my eyes out. Tay is edgy now and we need to accept it I guess, but the bleach bob NEEDS TO GO. Those shoes slay though.

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What bump? Olivia looks skinny as possible in this dress.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

TBH, I don’t really know what’s going on here but I know that her head/bustier looks fab so I just glossed over the maybe cape, maybe pants sitch down below.

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I mean, end with a bang of course. She doesn’t look preggers,

she just looks F-L-A-W-L-E-S-S

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 2/8/16

1. Squad Up. You come at the Queen, you best not forget she has an army that worships her. Kanye decided that truces are for lil bitches and debuted a new song last night at the Garden where he rapped that he could’ve had sex with Taylor Swift and also he made “that bitch” famous. And the entire world cringed. Immediate bestie reactions included:

Getting a head start on some spring cleaning. Here we go again.

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#Mood Today ♥️ Hand in Hand

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Also, not for nothing, but do you think they’ll be selling these at the Great New York State Fair this year? I’d love to get one and maybe have them airbrush BaByGuRL at the bottom.

 

Double also, click here for Kanye’s self-involved babbling twitter rant that will probably be deleted right quick. Highlights include: Taylor came up with that lyric on her own, and his wife approved it so it’s Gucci. In addition, bitch is a term of endearment in the rap world. OKAY KANYE. #FACTS.

2. IT’S COMING. As the premiere date nears, the teasers are getting bigger and bigger (and my expectations get lower and lower.) This week 2 out of 3 Tanner sisters and a Gibbler debuted a new trailer on Ellen and talked more about the Olsen Twins because no one can let it the F go that they’re not a part of it. A little heavy on the “let’s nail every catchphrase from 1995 to show people what nostalgia looks like” but overall not horrible. I guess I didn’t realize until watching this trailer how perfect Deej is as a Danny 2.0. She was always a little neurotic and seeing her in this role makes complete sense. Can’t w8 to binge so hard on February 26th.

3. Craigslist Bros Get a Movie.

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Remember back when I was still in college and two Saratoga bruhs went viral for turning to Craig’s List for wedding dates? I do, because I almost applied. Why? Because they were hot and funny and going to a wedding in the town I lived in. HellooOo, OPEN BAR. Anyway, probably should’ve applied because they cashed in REAL hard on their 15 minutes of fame. They penned a book about how funny they are and then signed a movie deal allowing Zac Efron to play one of them. If that’s not winning, I don’t know what is. I wonder if they fought over which one was going to be played by Zac and which one by Adam Devine. Anyway, here’s the trailer for the movie. It looks pretty funny but seriously do these guys still live in the capital region? Get at me.

4. Where You Lead, I Will Follow (but maybe not)…

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Now that the Gilmore Girls reboot is official and starting to film, the comeback confirmations are piling up. Immediate sign-ons were obviously Lorelai, Rory, Luke, Emily then came the boyfriends Logan, Jess and Dean. And now they’re just F’ing with us and I’m not so sure if I’ll follow because they’ve thrown Sutton Foster into the mix, an actress who basically played a Lorelai carbon copy on Bunheads (produced by the same person as Gilmore Girls) and APRIL. THAT’S RIGHT. APRIL NARDINI the little NERD that broke up Luke & Lorelai is back to terrorize Stars Hollow. NO. THANKS. But really, I wouldn’t hate a Logan/Rory reunion, or a Jess/Rory reunion. Dean can kick rocks.

PS they’re literally bringing every character back except for Sookie. Which makes 0 sense. Kirk, Mrs. Kim, Lane, Paris, Michel, Christopher…everyone’s in except Melissa McCarthy. It’s gotta be a slap in the face that they would rather create a new character with Sutton Foster than bring back Sookie.

5. Ryan Reynolds is a DILF.

As if we didn’t already know this, but People felt the need to state the obvious and I’m not arguing it. RyRey getting another mag cover and probably hot bod spread really doesn’t bother me. Three cheers for DILFS and having the same taste in women. SERIOUSLY HAVE YOU SEEN THOSE LEGS?

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May your Valentines Day be full of trips to Red Lobster and mean muggin like Blue Ivy.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 1/25/16

1. This meaty eye candy knocked up his wife again.

It’s no surprise that John bulked up for a movie role and then gave Emily one seductive side glance and suddenly she was pregnant. Three cheers for this hawt couple and their second model baby. May your conception story be passed on for generations to come. If you want to get your wife preggers, don’t skip arm day at the gym.

2. Remember Zayn? He’s great at tongueing Gigi Hadid.

After a lot of twitter sass and one leaked song a while back, Zayn has finally shown the world what he left 1D for. So that he can play tonsil hockey with one of the hottest models in the world. Hey, I don’t hate the hustle here. What I do hate is this music video. It’s trippy and weird and I could’ve gone without seeing a flower blossom out of a woman’s lady bits. I see what Zayn is trying to do here with this smooth Usher-esque bedroom eyes jam and it’s alright, but what steals the shine is obviously my girl Gigi. She is flawless in this video, even when she’s crying blood. (seriously, thanks for the nightmares Zayn.)

3. This song still bangs.

Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell (one of my fave Hollywood couples) took some time off from doing Samsung commercials to cut together this Toto music video from their vacation like 4 years ago. What it brought to light is that this song is still a banger. Don’t sleep on Toto, guys. In addition, we learned that even on safari, where there is probably limited access to makeup and hair products, Kristen still looks like a dime piece and I’m real jelly.

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4. Two Holy Men Meet.

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The pope had the distinct honor of meeting all that is holy Leonardo Dicaprio this week. They shared some picture books, a laugh, and Leo spoke Italian at the Vatican and every woman in the world needed to change her undies. The pope bid him farewell with “Go forth my son, to love and serve the Lord, and win an Oscar finally.” (Probably.)

 

5. 1D Baby Debut!

Meet my little lad, Freddie 👶

A post shared by Louis Tomlinson (@louist91) on

As reported on last week’s JUice, Louis has a son and only a week later he already made the little nugget insta-famous. AND HE HAS A NORMAL NAME! What a treat. Freddie Tomlinson snuggles right up to his dad’s tats and apparently no recognition is given to the baby mama who pushed that human through her vag.

BONUS: Rihanna and Drake collab it out again.

Spend the weekend deciding if this song is the most annoying thing on this earth or musical genius worthy of a Tidal-only release. I’m leaning toward annoying, but that’s just me.

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RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Ciao, Tuscany!”

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Do you feel like enough time has passed since last season’s reunion where Kyle and Kim went at each other’s throats? I don’t. I don’t think enough time will ever pass to make that any less uncomfy. We’ll have to get over it because there may only be one Richards sister on this season (so far) but the dirrty family laundry continues to be aired. This week’s installment is the impending nuptials of Nicky Hilton. You know, Paris’s sister. She’s getting married at a palace in London, cause she’s a Hilton. And Kyle has been uninvited to the wedding. Why? BECAUSE KATHY SAYS SO. And what Kathy says, goes. I’m gonna go ahead and guess that Kathy is not thrilled about how her sisters have been muddying the family name on reality TV as she watches in her Ivory Hilton tower, but that’s neither here nor there. To reiterate: I’m on Team Kathy. Cause if you’re not on Kathy’s side you’re disinvited from the wedding event of the season. Kyle finds a way to weasel her way back onto Kathy’s good side and get invited to the wedding again. Except the rest of her family can’t come. BOLD. Apparently Portia’s in the wedding and Kyle can go but everyone else can kick rocks. When Lisa tries to point out how bananas this is, Kyle’s like it’s nobody’s biz, shut the hell up. Except she’s made it our biz..so0oo0o…that comment has about as much validity as saying that I was almost a Victoria’s Secret Angel.

Speaking of Angels, momma of the newest to be winged (and my ferocious girl crush) Yolanda, is still struggle city this episode and it breaks my little heart. Yo goes in for a procedure to take all the metal out of her mouth because it might be adding to her illness but she’s not really sure. The surgery looks like the WORST and she feels like she’s choking and can’t breathe but don’t you fret because David to the rescue! Foster rolls in mid-procedure to grab her hand and kiss her numb, gaping mouth. At the end, he seals the deal of best hubs ever by making a groan worthy joke to the doc about if they can have sex right away. Ugh. David. If I were Yo I probably would’ve already had the papers drawn at that point. I’m actually surprised he didn’t wheel a piano into the operating room and request that the nurses sing backup like one of their dreadful dinner parties.

Husband of the year should probably go to Harry after the amount that Rinna tosses her mom haircut around to attract attention to her new diamond earrings. “Guess who got these for me?” she goads to her daughters and when they stare at her cluelessly she exclaims, “HARRY HAMLIN!” I feel like “dad” could’ve sufficed in this scenario rather than using government names with the children they made together. I’m going to assume Rinna doesn’t get a lot of lavish gifts with the way she’s put up a billboard about these earrings. Or she does and she acts like this every time, in which case I might need a breather from Rinna. JK she’s one of the realest on the show. I need to keep her in my pocket.

Rinna & Eileen (whose existence on this season so far is to mourn the loss of her father in law Dick Van Patten) act like compassionate humans and visit Yolanda in her white plushy den of illnesses. Yolanda lies on a white bed in a white robe awaiting her lady callers. The girls take their time to snoop around Yo’s new place looking at pictures and into medicine cabinets that would be an absolute goldmine for a drug dealer with the wall-to-wall pills Yo’s been stashing. Rinna reveals that her daughter has a monster crush on Anwar Hadid. Who doesn’t—amirite?! I would kill for a setup of these two for an awkward on-camera tween date. I live for that shit. PLS make it happen, Andy. That’s all I want for Christmas. Anyway, the gals all sit down and talk about colonics and being full of shit. Eileen’s sister died after being sick for a while so she’s really feeling for Yolanda. These two seem genuine and have actually been supportive of Yolanda on camera.

Turds 1 and 2, otherwise known as Lisa and Kyle—on the other hand…are on an economy vacation. HAHA. LoLz. Kyle and Co. are just yachting all over Italy and about to meet up with Lisa and Ken in a Tuscan villa. Kyle’s yacht is bigger than anything I’ve ever lived in and this is essentially just their vacation transportation. Typical. An extra hearty snicker for Kyle talking about going shopping in Florence and then adding at the end: I also want to check out the museums. Mauricio literally laughs right in her grillpiece at how fake that statement was. Mauricio shouldn’t be laughing though because he’s the kind of asshole vacationer who NEEDS to show off his knowledge of other languages at every chance he gets. ARRIVEDERCI he shouts in a haughty voice as he pops into his Ferrari to drive to the villa.

For what it’s worth (nothing), the “Butler” at the villa doesn’t even know how old it is when Kyle asks so he’s obviously a hired Italian actor. Lisa and Ken arrive to the “many many years old” villa after shouting at their Italian Uber to turn up the AC cause it’s not like it’s BOILING in the backseat or anything. They also spent the ride throwing shade at Yolanda for once calling the Amalfi Coast a chore. To be fair, that’s an asshole thing to say…but so is Ken pointing out that Kyle only wears mu-mu’s. Ken is turning into quite the little catty bitch for someone whose about to be 70 years old. SEVENTY. AS IN MY GRANDMA’S AGE. I thought people stopped giving an F when they got that old. Take a page from my Gammy’s book, Ken. Play peaknuckle with your buds once a week, eat dinner at 4:30 and take advantage of all senior citizen discounts. Stop worrying about the fashion and makeup preferences of your wife’s friends.

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Anyway, Ken probably gets put down for his afternoon nap while Lisa and Kyle take the ‘rarri out for a joyride in the Italian countryside because they’re rich and we’re not. Then they spend a significant amount of time piling it on Yo again because they’re the worst and they can. Kyle does what she does best and makes Yolanda’s illness about herself. Apparently when Kyle’s mom died she was convinced she had a disease but it turned out to all be mental and related to her depression. Cool story, Kyle. Let Yolanda try to find a cure and stop chirping her for not wearing eyeliner.

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