Music, Pop Culture, Red Carpet

AMA’s Red Carpet 2019

I just returned from a European vacay, and in true asshole “I’ve traveled abroad” fashion, I went to Price Chopper and bought myself a whole baguette as a casj snack to pretend I don’t actually live in the trashhole that is America. Why am I telling you this? Well, because I settled in to judge the AMA’s red carpet looks with an ENTIRE charcuterie board and bottle of rosé, just by myself. There was not a snack left in sight within 20 mins of the show starting. This is the kind of qualifications I bear to pinpoint when people look bad or sound bad at awards shows. Who better to cast stones than someone who skipped the gym and ate olives, bread, meats and cheeses for dinner in sweatpants. KEEP IT COMIN, HOLLYWOOD AND I’LL KEEP JUDGING.

But enough about me, let’s briefly recap the highlights of the show. Selena SOMEHOW nabbed the opening performance and dear lord did she make everyone question that. Selena has been MIA for 2 years (in rehab & recovering from Justin Bieber dumping her again and getting married 5 minutes later to someone he wasn’t even dating at the time) and tonight was her big comeback singing her two most recent singles about getting over that Biebz good good. Unfortunately she’s delivering burns to JB by singing “you sang off key in my chorus” while SINGING OFF KEY. Her voice was beyond bad. Like I sing karaoke better than her bad. On top of that, she barely moved her body for the dance number. Really mailed it in all around and that was the kickoff to the AMA’s.

Then we got Camila & Shawn still not smooching–at this point are they even dating if they don’t tongue each other onstage? Taylor’s audience SHOCKED faces (enough of this already) and then her Artist of the Decade medley where the ONLY shade she threw was toward Selena by not including her in the besties “Shake It Off” portion of her performance. Do you think Tay sat her down and was like look, I know we’re BFF’s but your voice stinks and I only want good singers onstage with me? Cause I do. But seriously where was the Big Machine drama? Starting off by singing The Man with a white lab coat with all of your Big Machine records listed on it with a bunch of 5 year olds was not dramatic enough for me and I was v. disappointed. Other than that, Halsey’s paint ball performance was cool as hell and Shania and her leopard men brought down the hizzouse as the grand finale.

WORST

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We flew too close to the sun with Halsey’s red carpet looks, guys. She was 2/2 and I knew she couldn’t pull a trifecta. I hoped she would but here we are. Hailing from another planet, red hair rectangles glued on top of her head, eyebrows ceasing to exist & rainbow eyes. The dress isn’t the worst thing I’ve ever seen her wear but it’s not GREAT EITHER. GAWD, HALSEY.

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Great color but can’t exactly get on board with the Shaq-sized sports jacket and hard flare pants.

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Lizzo is an orange cupcake. Don’t do ruffles, girl. Just don’t. Shout out to her purse tho–wonder if she’s holding Will Ferrell’s cell phone in that.

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I’m being very honest when I say that one look at Kesha’s hair here made me want to puke. Those bangs look like they are plastered to her forehead. Also she’s wearing a robe.

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Gaga isn’t here so Xtina thought she would step up to the plate in her absence. No one should ever have block shoulders.

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Heidi out here dressing like it’s the VS Fashion Show. Is she wearing the fantasy bra?!?!

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This is such a Tyra outfit that I almost burst out laughing when I saw it. America’s Next Top Model Tyra showing us how to smize while also dressed like a slutty Panama Jack.

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I’m sorry but I don’t get Billie Eilish. She whisper sings and stares at the camera with voodoo eyes and dresses only in baggy bad 90’s trends. I DON’T GET IT. EXPLAIN IT TO ME, YOUTHS.

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KETCHUP & MUSTARD.

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I will not support these sneakers.

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Bad prom dress alert.

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I think we all know at this point that I was just put on this earth to roast Diplo’s country western act.

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Can we hook up this goober with Billie? They can wear his and hers plaid outfits and just make sounds at each other because that sums up both of their singing careers.

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This was a tough call for me as I love purple AND teal but sometimes you’ve gotta be the baaaaaad guy (see, I’m cool sometimes, Billie) and tell Shawn Mendes to put his chesties away. It’s way too much. Dial it back on putting the pecs on display at a family event.

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H O L Y BooBZ.  Y’all know I don’t like boobage and she’s serving a whole lot of it here. Plus I feel like maybe she should’ve sat this one out.

BEST

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Shania is poppin that hourglass figure and I respect the hell out of the fact that not only did she just come back from the dead for this awards show, but she also decided to wear her hair in the classic, pile it on top of your head because you don’t want to deal with it style. Left a little tail though, just in case.

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 I guess I’m really into the olds tonight but sometimes when you keep it tight and rock classic black, you deserve a nod.

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DAMNIT THESE TWO ARE CUTE AND COLOR COORDINATED.

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The men really showed up tonight with classy and unique suits.

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Pains me to do this because Nick Viall is such a fame-sucking wiener, but God I love this jacket color.

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I keep going back and forth on this. On the one hand, this looks genuinely uncomfortable and like she might pierce her boobs with sharp tin with a sudden movement. On the other hand, SHINY.

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Gr8 color choice for Jenna who already looks v. pregs.

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This is adorbsicles and also they both look fab.

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BAAAAAABE SOOOOOOODA.

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Love me some purple and I love me some Carrie’s stems.

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Camila going for the woodland *possibly nude* fairy look.

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I ate too much bread and my brain has gone to sleep so I can’t even find something clever and catchy to say about these two. They look like smokeshows. That is all.

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We’ve reached the part of the evening where I hate something so much that I come right back around again and like it ironically. This getup is giving me Lisa Frank vibez. I feel like he could have a purple dolphin on his pants and it would still fit in.

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This also applies to that theory. I had a friend in college who used to rock pigtail buns and I was so jelly that they looked cute on her because when I did them I looked like a real idiot. Constance is really puling off the PB’s and lace-up dress.

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KWEEN.

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Music, Red Carpet

Billboard Music Awards Red Carpet 2019

Don’t ever remember them plopping the Billboards on a random Wednesday night but they couldn’t pull one over one me! I still unfortunately watched 99% of this trainwreck. It was all downhill after Tay and Brendon rode over the crowd on a parasol (which was BOSS.) I don’t know if it was the chicken or the egg, but Tay’s video had a million ladies in pastel pantsuits and the theme for last night’s red carpet was lady blazers. Hollywood really taking a biz profesh approach to the awards scene. As it turns out, I’m here for it.

WORST

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

I’m sorry, but is this a bullet proof vest? Is this a fashion statement or necessary?

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

There’s no sight that compares to fresh post-baby abs. What a treat for the ole peepers. Also fun fact that I noticed when Cardi accepted an award last night–her boobs don’t even remotely move. Hard as rocks.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Honestly Ciara’s son deserves to be on the best dressed because he looks like a baller in his DJ Khaled sweatsuit. Take notes, Khaled, matching separates looks cute on kids, not on overweight grown men. Ciara is throwing me too much boob/leg/navel to get on board with this look.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Was Diplo coming after Post Malone and his gay cowboy aesthetic or did he genuinely think he looked great? We may never know.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

I get real heated every time Halsey hits the red carpet because she’s so pretty and she ruins that by dressing like a walking trashcan. You don’t need to wear lingerie made out of blue trash bags with purple lipstick, gurl. Go makeup free and slide on an LBD. Thank me later.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU?! This guy was HONORED with my #1 spot for ranking MK & A’s movie boyfriends (read it here) and he repays me by wearing THIS?! One cannot even classify this as a Hawaiin shirt. It’s TOO ugly to be a Hawaiian shirt. Get out of my face, James from Winning London.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Kind of a bold choice for the oldest and least relevant Jonas to go shirtless under his suit jacket. Something I never needed to see. Also three grown men coordinating their plaid 80’s suits.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

JUST COME IN YOUR UNDERWEAR NEXT TIME, JULES. Why not give junderwear a spin?

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Oh, hello Grandpa.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Not into this racing suit with vines all over it.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

What sane person would combine these colors. Marigold and Christmas tree green. WUT. Clean it up, Tor.

 

BEST

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

You’ll notice that pretty much anyone who wore something sparkly hit the best dressed. It’s Vegas and it would be wrong NOT to wear sparkles.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Brendon is really riding the Taylor train. The audience camera panned to him no less than 1000 times during the show. It’s a good thing he was wearing such a great outfit. I dig the Gold accent.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Sparkly and fun, red lip, yes plzzzz!

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

I’m gonna be honest I got distracted by the legs.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Whole FGL clan on point, right down to their color coordination. They really cleaned up their act from the days when they dressed like Kid Rock.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Gronk basically hosted the awards last night with the amount of screen time that goober had. He’s wearing dad shoes but overlooking that part, him and Camille are killin it.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

JHuddddddd get ittttttttttttt.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Dress is just whatevs but I have a lady boner for those shoes.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

It’s unfortunate that these three posed together because I would say Beanie and Olivia look meh, and I’m really just into the silver suit on the left.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

I feel like I haven’t seen Paula since OG Idol days and she looks fab city. Keep up the great work, and I mean work literally because there’s no way her face naturally looks like that.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

The newest Jonas outshined the bros by far. She was even rewarded with a mid-performance smooch.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

SNAKESKIN. SUIT. WITH SPARKLES. That is all.

Billboard Music Awards, Arrivals, MGM Grand Garden Arena, Las Vegas, USA - 01 May 2019

Could do without all the ruffles but purple is my favorite color and it’s hard to hate when those stems are struttin all over the joint.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/15/19

1. Let’s Rap About Earth Day.

I guess it’s Earth Day soon. How did I know? A cartoon Lil Dicky informed me while still making an effort to relate it directly back to his dick and balls. What a guy. No, seriously what just happened with this. I watched the whole thing in shock. How does he come up with this shit and how is he allowed to say it’s his song when he was in it for about 30 seconds. The cameos, however, are genius. The best part about this claymation freakfest was trying to guess what famous person was which animal the minute they opened their mouth. I nailed it with Ariana, Halsey, Ed & Snoop. BTW, Ed as a snuggly koala bear? Yes, please. What a perfect casting. Also I legitimately was like I wonder how much they had to pay Leonardo Dicaprio just to use his name and create a character that looks like him then when I saw it was ACTUALLY him?! Whoa baby. Leo used to be so cool that when JLo texted him during her carpool karaoke he made booboo a thing again. Now he’s in this? Must be really desp for his environmental cause. Save the earth, bruhs. Why? Because a rapper told you to.

2. Taylor Goes Pastel.

Remember when I got all hot and bothered for new Taylor music and fed into her crazy ass superfan theories and ended up with EGG ON MY FACE AND AN I ❤ TS SHIRT ON FOR NO REASON?! If you missed that, read my salivation here and peep my merch below:

Well now it’s the real deal. She’s given us thirsty bitches a date and it is 4.26. She’s also given us a theme and my immediate reaction was no thanks. If we’re going to be waiting with baited breath for new jams after your BADAZZ EMO F THE WORLD comeback with Reputation complete with Snakes, we deserve more than tacky pastel colored heart shaped jewels. Then she posted the picture of the mint bike and it was GAME ON. EVERYONE knows I’m basically a European with the amount of biking that I do. If she’s going to deliver me a new tune to cruise around town to once I dust the ole wheels off for spring then SIGN ME UP. Stay tuned for full review when her single makes the debut.

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3. N*SYNC Does Coachella.

It’s that time of year again where LA people pretend they’re into being outdoors and listening to live music but really what they’re into is wearing hippie chic outfits and posting on Instagram. The biggest news to come out of this past weekend’s performances other than Beyonce just dropping a full recording of hers was America’s Sweetheart Ariana Grande pulling off an N*SYNC reunion. Although, can we really call it that without JT?

Props to Ari for continuing to dominate the world and learning the choreography to Tearin Up My Heart. Even though my main squeeze wasn’t there, I can still appreciate a good 90’s reunion. But also…

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You guys killed it last night 🙌

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Is Chris gonna make it? T’s and P’s.

4. Barf All Over Me.

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Pssst, 🧔🌲🌲🌲❤️: @justintimberlake

A post shared by Jessica Biel (@jessicabiel) on

I try not to draw attention to the fact that Jess and Justin are like the ultimate cool guy couple because it turns me into a jelly belly. But like come on with this. We get it, you guys love each other and are v supportive. No need to cry via a public video when he’s basically sitting right next to you. Turn to him and say you’re proud of him. UGH BARFMANIA ya big attention whorebag.

5. PSA FOR MK&A STANS

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I find it to be extremely unwell of us that every time these two crypt keepers attend an event and allow photos, we post 10 headlines about it. THE VAMPIRES ARE OUT OF THEIR CAVES! And no matter what year/season/occasion it is, they’re always wearing long black cloaks and terrified looks on their faces. WELCOME TO SUNLIGHT, GIRLS! But that wasn’t the point of this announcement although it did give me a nice morning laugh and some nightmare fuel. The PSA is that Hulu is finally getting on the damn MK&A nostalgia train and giving us some of their OG movies. Coming soon: Billboard Dad, Switching Goals and Passport to Paris. THANK GAWD. IT’S AN EASTER MIRACLE! If you need to brush up on which hotties to peep in their pre-teen movies, feel free to roll on over to my very well-researched and not at all creepy blog ranking their movie boyfs right HERE. HAPPY WATCHING!

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Music, Playlist

Pump It Up Playlist

It’s been a hot minute since I’ve forced a weird / random playlist down your throats and I think it’s about damn time we revisit this faaabulous Salty Ju feature. Mostly because I’ve gone back to the gym–if we classify going back to the gym as my annual realization that my pants are suddenly too tight after seasonal depression binge eating, jorts szn is quickly approaching, I should probably get my $10 a month worth of Planet Fitness and also give myself an excuse to buy some new jazzy workout leggings to flex how good I look in athleisure. EITHER WAY, I’ve needed some bangerz to keep me at the gym for more than 15 minutes every few nights and to drown out people like the lady who announced loudly that she goes to the gym twice a day-morning and night.

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Anyway, I spent a whole day of work going through my entire iTunes lib trying to pull songs that I hadn’t heard in a long time that were fast paced. I ended up with a 3 hour playlist. Don’t you even worry, I’ve narrowed it down to bless your ears with only the best of the best. If working out isn’t your thing, I respect that. Pop this bitch on when you’re looking to feel pumped up for anything in life. Going out? Want to have an at home dance party? Get jazzed for a road trip? I gotchu.

The Greatest Show – Cast. This song should kick off every playlist going forward. No joke I wish I was still in college when it came out because it would make a GR8 pregame jam. How can you not instantly be in a great mood when you hear the stomp stomp WHOA-OHH-OH-OHHHHH? I had it as my morning alarm for a while and I shot out of bed ready to take on the day. Also terrified because that’s kind of a jarring way to be pulled out of a deep slumber but I DON’T CARE. GIMME ALL THE CLAP BREAKS. Also the song basically becomes a whole new song when Zac Efron pipes up so 2 for 1 special, you’re welcome.

Stronger – Britney Spears. Let a little OG Britney up in ya ears. I feel like this one sneaks under the radar. Obviously Brit’s school girl uniform and latex red body suit stand out in your memory but let’s not forget how she made a metal chair look sexy in this music video. Chair dance Britney paved the way for snake Slave 4 U Britney and EVERYBODY KNOWS IT.

It’s Still Rock And Roll To Me – Billy Joel. They don’t call him the hitmaker for nothin, folks. Even his sad piano jams put me in a good mood because he’s such a legend. Just selling out stadiums on the reg, tickling the ole ivories. Whatta life.

I Drove All Night -Celine Dion. Even though I can crush It’s All Coming Back to Me Now even better than Celine probably can–I’m talking high notes & passion only, I will literally never get the lyrics down–I can still appreciate Celine’s other bangerz. This one has a powerful message. Celine wanted some, so she drove through the night to get it. And because she’s still a lady, she was like is that alright? OF COURSE IT’S ALRIGHT, GURL. GET AFTER IT.

Days Go By – Keith Urban. Lucky for Keith he has the perfect mix between rock and country because he shreds the guitar, so he basically only puts out fun songs. It was very difficult to choose just one of his so I went with a classic that never gets old. The original version of YOLO, if you will. YA BETTER START LIVIN RIGHT NOW.

Get Buck In Here – DJ Felli Fel Ft. Lil Jon, Ludacris, Diddy & Akon. Look, let’s not beat around the bush here, I’m white. Not like white but can still hang and has a little flavor, like cream cheese white. I look like a real nerdbomber when I try to rap along to songs but you know what? That sure doesn’t stop me from trying. I’ve realized that Luda is essentially the only rapper I can keep up with and I’ve latched onto that real hard. This is where I shine. Right here. I’m like Emma Stone rapping to All I Do Is Win when Get Buck In Here comes on. Plus, like, any song about too much booty speaks to me on a whole other level.

Fighter – Christina Aguilera. Not only did I have a pretty badass dance to this song in middle school for my hip hop class (if you’d like to see my equally as badass camo costume, click here) but also it’s a pretty underrated Xtina song. When it came on the other night I had to physically stop myself from tossing out some Aguilera hands and belting out the riffs. Trying to make fun of the weirdos at the gym, not BE one, amirite?! But if you’re listening to this in the car and you’re not doing Ag-hands then turn it off because you’re not doing it right.

Nobody But Me – Michael Bublé. I’ve always loved Bubz a normal amount from him soundtracking bascially The Wedding Date in it’s entirety and also from just being an adorable little Canadian crooner whose always in a suit. I recently had to learn how to love him extra hard because he’s basically my boyfriend’s number one crush in this world (aside from Tim Tebow) and we went to his comeback tour concert. And let me tell you, whatta guy. He can tell a dirty joke then immediately transition into a full orchestra high-note hitting class act. One of a kind. This was one of his songs I recently discovered and it never fails to get the hips a’movin. It’s the Bub Daddy with a little hip-hop flair.

No Church In the Wild – Jay-Z Ft. Kanye West & Frank Ocean. The beat on this song makes me want to get up and move regardless of if I look like a moron. Plus it was used to show total debauchery in The Great Gatsby, which allows me to remind everyone of a time when I called everyone old sport after that movie came out and I thought it was hilarious. Great times all around, Old Sport. Lastly, I’ve always wanted to post a picture captioned “Sunglasses and Advil. Last night was mad real.” But unfortunately I’m not Kanye West doing lines off of a girl’s skin so it has never been truly justified. Maybe this summer will get crazy. Who knows, Old Sport. Who knows.

Swerve – Florida Georgia Line. These two bozos basically invented the hip hop/country combo deal and they’re still cashing checks on it 5 years later. People are like you guys know you’re not real country right? And they respond by releasing an album titled “Can’t Say I Ain’t Country.” Touché.

Timber – Ke$ha Ft. Pitbull. Although I never condone Pitbull and his ability to make a career off of singing “dalé” in any song he’s featured on, I forgot just how fire flames this song is. When it first came out I almost sprained my ankle dancing around the house to it so you know it’s the real deal. Never thought I’d say this but I miss that dirty bird Ke$ha.

Chasin’ After You – O-Town. Always weary of a boy band comeback, I was pleasantly surprised by this one ESPECIALLY since they ditched their star power, Ashley Parker Angel. Remember that baby face with spiky blonde hair? I gasped when I found out. How could they possibly proceed without him? Well turns out all you really need is a good pop song and it doesn’t really matter who is singing it because I couldn’t name one current member of O-Town if I had to.

Don’t Stop Me Now – Queen. Queen’s on a real hot streak lately ever since the movie that Rami Malek won an Oscar for and didn’t even thank Freddie Mercury, WHO HE PORTRAYED. I’m happy to join the bandwagon. I think I forgot how many Queen songs I knew until I saw the movie and I immediately started cycling their beats back into my regular play. SING IT TO ME, FREDDIE!

 …Ready For It – Taylor Swift. There was no way we were gonna sneak outta here without some TayTay and I hope that I’ve chosen correctly. Just kidding I know that I have because I’ve spent the past year going ARE YOU READY FOR IT in a dumb voice every time I want someone to get pumped up for something. You’re welcome, everyone around me.

Till I Collapse – Eminem & Nate Dogg. I was told by a trustworthy source that a pump up jams playlist CANNOT exist without Till I Collapse. So even though the ONLY words I know in this song are the actual title, I’m very willing to toss around some rapper hands and nod my head intensely as Em & Nate Dogg do their thang.

Breathing – Yellowcard. My emo side peeking in here, I’ve already previously declared my love for Yellowcard and any punk rock band that dares to toss a violinist in the mix. Even though I wore out their concert dvd (lost it), I still need a good head bang every once in a while and Breathing is just the trick.

Get Another Boyfriend – Backstreet Boys. I feel a little guilty that there’s no N*SYNC on this playlist but if we’re being honest, BSB always had a little more street cred and that’s what we needed here. A rough and rowdy tune about a girl being a dumbass.

We Run This – Missy Elliott. Remember the classic flick Stick It about gymnastics? I was obsessed with it in high school. I quoted it preeeetttyy regularly and wanted to dabble in gymnastics just because the lead actress made it look so kewl. This song was featured in the movie and it just makes you want to do a front handspring into a back flip into a split leap then stick the landing. Ya know? For realz though, I used to rock the shit out of a cartwheel and I literally can’t even attempt one without breaking both arms clean off of my body anymore. Same with a back bend. I encourage you to have a glass of wine or two on a Friday night and attempt to do a back bend/bridge on your living room carpet. My family all individually tried this feat and it ended with my mom peeing her pants from laughing so hard. Quality entertainment. Spoiler Alert: *bridges only work if you can lift your own body weight clear off the ground through core strength* Tough stuff, lesson learned.

Sucker – Jonas Brothers. HEYYOOOOO gotta include the JoBro’s comeback. Not because I was ever a JoBro stan but because it’s catchy as hell. I already blogged specifically about this song and their complete destruction of the curly-headed virgins, so no need to be redundant. See my thoughts HERE.

Nice For What – Drake. I don’t have one single clue what these lyrics are. I somewhat gathered that it’s about ladies and female empowerment?! Mostly because the video featured a bunch of famous lady actresses. Also we’re going to gloss right over the fact that Tiffany Haddish, America’s MOST annoying voice (it’s no contest, don’t even try to debate me on this) is featured because this beat is infectious and makes me want to groove like nobody’s biz. Shout out to Lauryn Hill on that one. #Feminism.

Still Into You – Paramore. Another dip into the world where I stacked up my Claire’s rubber bracelets and posed for pics with my dad’s tie over a white beater. Hayley Williams is a classic punk rock chick with neon hair and I LOVE HER! That’s all folks. It’s just a funky song about liking someone a lot.

The Way You Make Me Feel – Michael Jackson. As you’ve come to expect, we only end on high notes here in Salty Ju playlist land. In the dance movie montage blog that I previously linked to for Christina Aguilera’s Fighter, you’ll notice that my top movie is Center Stage and this song is in their final dance which is BOSS. Seriously, if you haven’t seen this dance scene yet, you don’t even need to watch the movie just google it. It’s bananas. I digress, listening to this feel good MJ jam is all you need to feel like you too could become a professional dancer jiving around while a choreographer from the wrong side of the tracks rides his Harley onstage to pick you up. Basic stuff.

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Red Carpet

Grammys Red Carpet 2019

It’s never a good sign when you see ads for the Grammys and the only performers you actually like are the host and Lady Gaga. The rest was a real disaster. As I once had to declare that I’m too old for the VMA’s, I guess I’ve now aged out of the Grammys too. Never thought I’d see the day. Never too old to get up all on that red carpet thooooo, so here we go.

WORST

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Lotta ladies going wild with the textures tonight and I’m not down with this pink ‘splosion.

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Cardi, or as my boyfriend lovingly refers to her as the seagull sounding buffoon, is clearly on this planet to raise eyebrows and make a scene. Job well done. But you look like an idiot. Also it’s laugh out loud funny that she wears a giant oyster costume and then opts for a nude strapless bra underneath. Just commit and go full seashell, Arielle style, or something equally as loud.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Charlie Puth may or may not flash us his goods in this trench coat full suit.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Heidi out here treating the red carpet like the VS Fashion Show.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

A triangle on your bod and a square on your head.

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Look no further than my roasting of Pharrell’s Elmer Fudd hat at the Grammys in 2014, or LL Cool J’s Kangol at every Grammys ever, to know that I hate a hat statement at an awards show. This is so ridiculous and stupid. I get it, you’re JLo, but no.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Holy Barf. This is like Anna Kendrick’s dress on steroids and with some silver boobs. What was the end goal with this dress?

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Oh, ok MJ.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

SHERIFF ARTS N KRAFTS, YAY!

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

If this didn’t have a chest fan I’d like it, but it does, so here it lies.

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

If you’re gonna make a big stink about how no one will dress you for the Grammys because you’re a size 8, which I find VERY hard to believe because if this is the case then why is Chrissy Metz on every G-D red carpet ever, then WHY would you choose the BIGGEST, WIDEST dress on this earth to prove your point? A size 8 isn’t big…if it is then call me obese…so just wear a bangin dress and show off your assets. Make the designers look dumb AF. Immersing yourself in taffeta was the wrong play here, Bebe. WRONG PLAY.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

AT THIS POINT JUST WALK THE RED CARPET IN THE NUDE. TU, NEXT.

 

BEST

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

I like this dress for myself, so complete biased judgment here but she looks gr8.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

I feel like Alicia Keys sneaks under the radar a lot but as I’m watching this show I’m remembering how she’s a total badass who can let it rip like nobody’s biz. She also has the most soothing voice on earth. AND she can play two pianos at once. What a baws.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

WHEN DID ASHANTI GET CLASSY?! Claps for you, boo. Don’t need to show the goods to get Ja’s attention. Just need a million dollar idea on Pablo Escobar’s island. ZING.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Y’all know how hard I’ve been vibin jumpsuits lately and this one has sparkles, so sold.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

I like the pink, I like the glitz and I like that Camila didn’t treat us to a view of her areolas.

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

YaaAAaAasssssss

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

These two literally swapped hair dos and it makes me giggle a lot.

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

This is a pretty and tasteful way to do flesh tones. Red lip seals the deal, otherwise she’s head to toe one color basically.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Shawn looks like a wax statue but suit is on point.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Miley’s so pretty when she doesn’t have a buzzcut and her bits on display. Well, fully on display.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Hair/Makeup not great but the dress is lovely.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Post Malone has worn me down. His tattooed ass face and weird cowboy outfits have numbed me. This is the best one I’ve seen yet. I like pink and I like stars, thus, you win this round, cowpoke.

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Yo, real talk, where the hell has Tori Kelly been? I need her to wail onstage REAL soon.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

OooOhh stripey, me likey.

FAVE LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

I’ve seen Gaga out here all awards season being so classy and trying not to let her meat dress wearin weirdness out because she’s being honored for a serious acting role. And I’d like to acknowledge that. She’s been looking like a dime piece and this has been my favorite look of hers so far. I have hair envy of those casual beach waves. AND on top of her red carpet look, she wore a sassy glitter jumpsuit (with matching eyeliner) for her performance. Writhing & scary face at the end aside, she’s really pulled out all the stops at the Grammys and I’m excited to see what she debuts at the Oscars. YOU GO, GURL!

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Music, Pop Culture

End Game: A Night Out with Taylor Swift

glasses

At this point you shouldn’t even be shocked by a blog dedicated to each and every Taylor Swift music video, it should be expected. After all, if she’s going to release every one like it’s a feature film then I’m going to pop popcorn and watch it on repeat like my favorite movie. This latest release represents her foray into the rap game and leading up to the drop I was salivating in anticipation of seeing Taylor as a rap video ho. Let me tell you, it was everything and more. What I didn’t expect is for ya girl to show us how she can PARTAY. Previously assumed to be the lame friend who comes out for one drink then spends the rest of the night at home baking and doing puzzles surrounded by her cats, this is a real shake up for the Tay image and a moment that I didn’t know I had been waiting for all my life. When I asked my friend and fellow Swiftie Lindsey what my angle should be for breaking down this video she replied “A night out with Taylor Swift and why we should be best friends.” In the name of laziness and letting my friends feed me ideas for my blogs…LET’S DO THIS. Breaking down the stages of partying with Taylor and why each one is awesome.

5. Dancing on a yacht. This is CLASSIC rap video staple and also just a general celebrity FU to the world. What do rich people do when they want to party in any warm region of the world? They take to the sea on a lavish yacht and that’s the most obvious. Taylor doesn’t just set sail though, she also assembles a girl crew for a quick coordinated dance on top deck while fireworks pop in the distance. Gawd, she’s cool. Permission to climb aboard, Tay?

yachtdancing

PS while we’re discussing the Miami portion of the video, might I point out that her glitter hoodie dress is probably my favorite outfit in this and I would like one for myself stat, as well as a cool hallway in an abandoned home to strut around in while wearing it.

sparklehoodie

4. DDR. Tokyo brings out a nerd side of Taylor as she tries on Ed’s glasses and makes goofy faces then has a casual DDR competition and grabs a juicebox because I guess that’s how they party in the Tokster. The best part about this is that Taylor rips a shot with Ed and it’s GAME ON after that. You always know when your evening is going to go from casual to the real deal when someone orders a shot and T tosses it back like a CHAMP. This ain’t her first rodeo. (Or it’s water. I’m choosing to believe she can hang.)

SHOTSSHOTSHOTS

3. House Party. Over the pond we get to see what a house party should look like if you live in a penthouse that has skyline views and once again, there are fireworks. Do we think Taylor just travels with a firework guy? Like calls her manager that morning, “OK, I’m going to be in Barcelona tonight, can Jake be there with some bottle rockets, air bombs, black snakes and uhh why doesn’t he toss in a few roman candles. Make sure he starts the show at 10 when we start taking shots. KTHNXBYEEEE.” That’s how I imagine her life goes. Anyway, house party Taylor includes a million friends, a girl with a pink camera to document all the fun they’re having, oh and her own personal rap show in front of the fireplace. I mean if you’re going to have everyone over for a night of debauchery there should also be some form of entertainment. Her in a sparkly crop top rapping like a badd bitch seems like the best kind. That wink at the end? Oh Lord. Gave me shivers.

stuntin

2. Bar Hoppin. Now we’re getting to the stages of partying that us commoners can appreciate and participate in at the same level. Taylor takes the whole crew out to the bar in London and then proceeds to play snake on her phone while a friend pours her drink into her mouth. If you don’t think I’m going to start doing that at the bar you’re an IDIOT. Fair warning to my friends, if my hands are busy, your duty is to get that alcohol into my mouth regardless. If we’re not allowed to go out on the town with Taylor, then I think it’s reasonable to channel her while out. I’ll have to phone pub and ask if it’s cool of me to lounge atop the bar before attempting. Mostly because the last time I climbed up on a barstool and heavy leaned over the bar to get a drink I almost got kicked out, which seems irrational but whatever. I’ll just pull up this video as reference moving forward.

barlife

I also respect the hell out of Taylor ending the night with drunk nomz. Granted, she’s eating a kebab in a blue fur coat and I’m usually siphoning a slice of ‘za on my walk home, but still good to know that she understands the importance of an end of the night drunk snack.

bluefur

1. Closet Drinking. This is something that we can all accomplish and should at some point in our lives. Again, not all of us have a walk-in closet to do so, but literally just getting drunk with your bestie in sweats and just living in that drunk-at-home space is really where the magic happens. You don’t have to worry about how you’re getting home or where you’re sleeping or crowds or people being annoying because you’re in your own home and can do whatever the hell you want. You wanna sip drinks in a fleece robe in your closet? Do it up, girl. AIN’T NOBODY STOPPIN YA.

robelife

Since Taylor is probably busy this weekend going out with her squad (are they taking applications yet?) you’ll just have to channel your inner party T and do her proud. Slap on some sparkles or even a top hat, and dance it out with a drink in your hand. You really wanna get crazy? Set off some fireworks. Legally, of course. Not trying to get sued here or have you set yourself on fire. On second though, maybe just stick to the going out part and don’t F with fire hazards.

DDR

houseparty

firework

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Music, Television

AMA’s Recap 2017

I often like to milk two blogs out of awards shows and even though barely anyone reads these recaps, I laugh at myself while writing them, and that’s truly what is most important. Here’s the top five things to take away from last night’s AMA’s, which packed a lot of good performances into an awards show that gives out fake awards to whoever shows up, basically.

1. Selena is OV-ER-RATED, clap, clap, clapclapclap.

Everyone was buzzing about her performance because she’s made it VERY WELL KNOWN that it was her only live performance of this year due to GETTING A NEW KIDNEY and everything. Well, it sucked. Real hard. She basically came onstage just to writhe around a car in a white nightie, covered in fake blood. Girl didn’t even attempt to lip sync. At one point I’m pretty sure she fell asleep on top of said car. If she didn’t, then I sure as hell did because it was a REAL snooze. Also, can everyone stop associating her Lupus/kidney surgery with everything that she does? She’s recovered. It’s not like she walked out of the hospital to give this performance and couldn’t dance too hard or else risk popping stitches. Chill on it. Notably absent from cheering her on, though? Biebs. He seems like a super supportive BF.

2.  Xtina is dead. Haven’t seen ole Xtina in a while (apparently people have forgotten how her last name is pronounced) and suddenly she’s doing a Whitney tribute and the only reason I knew it was really her was because she held her ear and waved her hand up and down when she did vocal riffs. Otherwise, who is this woman with Kylie Jenner lips and how did she get the honor of singing a Whit medley?

christinaxtina

Since we now know that it really was her…and that People is crediting “natural makeup” for her completely transformed face, it would be wrong of me to say that she didn’t crush it because she has a powerhouse voice. Even if Pink DID give her stank face. (lolzzzzzz firing up an old Lady Marmalade feud, what The Salty Ju does best)

Pink shocked face AMAs

Credit: ABC

3. Pink makes acrobats cool again. SPEAKING OF PINK, as soon as I heard “and Pink will be making history with a performance from the sky”, I audibly groaned. You guys KNOW how much I hated the played out ribbons performance. It’s like for 3 years that’s all she knew how to do at awards shows. Well I bit my tongue real quick because what followed was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. I mean she literally went face down off the side of a building while performing. I was getting naush just looking at it, so you have to be another level of badass to be like yup I’m staring at the ground 500 ft away from me and just crushing choreography and singing. She won the night and that’s pretty obvious.

4. Ashlee Simpson is back. 

ross fam

The Ross family was a focal point of the evening as Tracee Ellis Ross hosted and Diana Ross received a “you’re still alive and killin it” award, so obviously I was all about seeing how former punk rock princess Ashlee fit into this family dynamic. Turns out, her and that beautiful specimen Evan created one of the most adorable babies on this earth. During Diana’s performance the camera panned to her singing along and just living her damn life as a famous toddler. But then, as soon as she was pulled onstage at the end, she froze and pooped her diaper. Ashlee quickly turned into a stage mom dancing off to the side to get her kid to perform for the cameras and it was a real failure.

What a whirlwind of emotions it was keeping up with that family though. Props to her grandson who not only showed off his best dance moves right in Jagger’s grillpiece (stage fright doesn’t extend to all of the Ross children) but also jacked the mic to tell his grandma that he’s so proud and go off script giving every producer of this show a G-D heart attack. You da real MVP.

ross

5. WHO IS BTS? 

BTS

I legitimately had to google BTS after they flashed the camera to a bunch of Asians with the same haircut over and over again. The internet said these guys came out with their first single in 2013. TWO THOUSAND THIRTEEN?! I graduated college then. THAT WAS A LONG ASS TIME AGO. And they’re supposedly famous?! You shut your whore mouth. I patiently waited for them to take the stage to see what it is that they offered that would make them “mega international superstars.” Wanna know what they did? They had robot auto tune voices (I’m assuming this music was created in a studio just with a computer) that sang in a different language, and these matching mushroom cut boys danced to it. That was it. Girls knew the words and were legit in TEARS over this performance. WHAT AM I MISSING HERE?! WHAT HAS THIS WORLD COME TO?!

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