Music

Taylor Swift: Reputation

reputation

Everyone’s favorite feature is back! Not just every album gets The Salty Ju review, but if you’re Ed Sheeran or Taylor Swift, expect me to break it down track by track. As you’ve all had time to listen to Tay’s latest in full and form your own opinions, now it’s time to read mine! Also indirectly happy anniversary to me, as Taylor’s last album drop was the first blog I ever wrote, when I realized that I had a true calling for over-analyzing pop culture and making everyone read it. HAPPY TIMES ALL AROUND!

*’ed tracks are my bangers.

1. …Ready For It? Her second single off the album that I confused for a football promo song still bangs so hard. The video sucks, to be clear because I’m not really into robot stuff but I can appreciate Taylor coming into her own and singing all about sex stuff. There was some backlash at first that she’s trying to rap but I dig it. Gr8 pump up song all around. Bonus points for her sexy choreography while performing this live on SNL. She’s really doubling down on the “no longer a virg” image.

Best Lyric: Touch me, and you’ll never be alone

2. End Game (ft Ed Sheeran & Future)*. I was all set and ready to hate this song because Future is one of those new age rappers that basically just sounds like he’s got a dick in his mouth 24/7. There’s no enunciation and essentially it just sounds like a dying cat mouthing noises but I was pleasantly surprised because this is one of my favorites. Future is fine, Ed does what he does best (everything) and Taylor pulls a little hip hop flavor out of her ass getting me all sorts of riled up with her cocky shouting of BIG REPUTATION OHHHHH over and over again. I’m not saying I’m going to be going around screaming BIG REPUTATION all day erreday, but I’m not not saying it either. Ya know?

Best Lyric: I swear I don’t love the drama, it loves me. (Life motto, pretty much.)

3. I Did Something Bad*. This is right about the time that I realized Reputation Taylor = Thug Taylor and I’m all hands on deck for it. The gunshots, the ‘tude, it all comes together perfectly for bad grl vibez. Oh everyone’s gonna talk about how she plays the victim? Well joke’s on you cause Tay knows exactly what she’s doing and it feels SUH GUD. Don’t you even think about spending her change, bro. KEEP WALKING. Or she’ll drop you like a MF’er!

Best Lyric: If a man talks shit, then I owe him nothing / I don’t regret it one bit, ’cause he had it coming. BOOM. ROASTEDDDDDDD.

4. Don’t Blame Me. WHOA whaddup church, Tay. This is interesting. Not an immediate fave but I don’t hate it either. If I were to attend Sunday Mass, I would like this to be included…maybe during communion? The Body of Christ & “Lord save me, my drug is my baby.” Makes sense. Alright fine, now that I’ve typed that out it DOES seem a little dark. But like, if love doesn’t make you crazy then you’re not doing it right? RIGHT GUYS, RIGHT?! (this is how I imagine Taylor presenting this one to her BFF’s, with a table full of disapproving looks.)

Best Lyric: My name is whatever you decide / And I’m just gonna call you mine. RRrrrRrred Flag.

5. Delicate. If we’re going to speculate about who every single song is about (all of America) then this one is clearly about her current flame Joe. If I were Joe and I were listening to this song I’d be like woooo you were a bit crazy when we met. I don’t think there should ever be a circumstance where guys know what is going through a girl’s mind when you’re on your first few dates. I mean she’s literally like hey is it cool if I say that you can’t see any other girls and I’m obsessed with you? Is that kewl? You can tell she’s trying to be calm here by calling it delicate but like just can’t quite reign in the visions of forever after grabbing drinks with him & probably having an adult sleepover one night.

Best Lyric: My reputation’s never been worse, so / You must like me for me…

6. Look What You Made Me Do. Original reaction: Oh ok, we’re doing theater music with those fairy dust opening piano bars without words. Aaaand just kidding now I’m terrified. YIKES this is creepy. And THEN to top it all off, we get talking Tay, as she tends to do to amp up the drama:

“I’m sorry, the old Taylor can’t come to the phone right now.”

“Why?”

“Oh ’cause she’s dead!”

OH SHITTTTtTTTTTtTtTTT

So yeah. First listen was a rollercoaster of emotions (most of them hate). But you know what? It’s just Tay being Tay. And I’m here for it. Obviously Taylor Swift is dramatic AF and acts like a G-D thirteen year old, which really caters to her preteen fans but like if you expected anything less at this point then you’re wrong. She’s going to capitalize on every feud/breakup, act like the victim, then write a sassy tell all song about it and that’s a fact, Jack. Get on board or get off of this planet. H8ers will be bumping this by next week. Today’s Take: I still agree with everything I said. Chorus isn’t great but the rest of this song is awesome sauce & the video was GOAT…made me love it a BILLION times more.

Best Lyric: OBVIOUSLY ‘Oh, cause she’s dead!’ And it isn’t even a question.

7. So It Goes…* Another sexy jam, which has become quite the trend for late twenties T. She’s really embracing her sultry side and I respect the hell out of it. I could see her writing this right around the time she was creating promo sex songs for the 50 Shades franchise with Zayn. Except instead of whips and handcuffs, she’s just into wearing her man like a necklace and maybe some light back scratching.

Best Lyric: You know I’m not a bad girl, but I / Do bad things with you (Told you I was ALL IN on old, innocent Taylor being dead.)

8. Gorgeous. Original reaction: Alright, I’m out. I mean it was bound to happen. If you’re going to release three songs from your probably only 13 track album (just release the whole damn thing already) I knew there was a chance I was going to hate one of them and here we are. Going from singing about sex in Ready For It.. to you’re too gorgeous for me and I’ll just get drunk and go home to my cats. Really Tay?! Grow up. This is 100% a song for her preteen superfans and I’m just far too mature for it, honestly. Everyone’s saying it’s about her new boyfriend Joe Alwyn who is not the type of gorgeous that you write a song about his face. (“Cause you’re so gorgeous it actually hurts”) Scott Eastwood? Sure. This guy:

joe-alwyn

Not so much.

PS GTFO of here with adding children into a song. This isn’t Kidz Bop. Today’s take: the kidz bop intro was actually recorded by none other than Blake Lively & Ryan Reynolds’ curly-headed nugget James. I still hate it. But like damn it that’s pretty awesome. Famous people doin famous people stuff.

Best Lyric: Ocean blue eyes looking in mine / I feel like I might sink and drown and die. So dramats.

9. Getaway Car. This one has Swifties all up in arms because everyone needs to know exactly what her dating timeline is between Calvin, Tom and Joe. They did some creepy amounts of digging and came to the conclusion that everything went down at the Met Gala when Taylor had that HIDEOUS bleach blonde bob. How a girl dies her hair that aggressively and has 3 men fawning over her at a costume ball is the real puzzle here. I’d like a song about that scenario instead. ALLEGEDLY, at the Met Gala, Taylor was fighting with Calvin and things weren’t going superb, then she danced the night away with Tom and also was gazing all up in Joe’s baby blues or something. Who knows. All I know is that this is classic catchy pop. One of the few songs that gives me real 1989 vibes.

Best Lyric: But you weren’t thinkin’ / And I was just drinkin’. Get it grrrlll.

10. King of my Heart. Again, very obviously an ode to her British as shit boyfriend. This song kind of annoys me to be honest. First of all, we’re getting a REAL overload of this Joe character. It’s great that you’re happy, girl. But after staying completely out of the spotlight with this one–probably giving it a real shot, it seems like a counter-productive move to then write all of your personal thoughts and feels about him into a full album of songs. Second of all, how she pronounces Jaguars makes me want to bang my head against a wall repeatedly. It doesn’t sound cool, it sounds stupid. This will most likely be a skip from me, dawg. THIRD OF ALL, too much auto-tune.

Best Lyric: With all these nights we’re spending / Up on the roof with a school girl crush / Drinking beer out of plastic cups. Stars & Brits, they’re just like us! Drinking out of red solo cups.

11. Dancing with Our Hands Tied. This is fun, if it’s fun to basically say you’re in a relationship that’s for sure going to fail. Kind of depressing when you think about it. Hey baby, let’s keep dancing but also this will go down in flames if we stop. Yiiiiikes.

Best Lyric: I’m a mess, but I’m the mess that you wanted

12. Dress. Another scandal in the eve and a crowd favorite for a lot of her fans but I’m just lukewarm to this one. It definitely has some breathy (somewhat orgasmic) Wildest Dreams callbacks. If I’m going to pick a sex song fave from this album, I’m going So It Goes… all the way, every day. This one’s nice and all but I guess it just do it for me like it does for Taylor judging by those sound effects she’s huffing throughout the song. Ever think about how awkward that must be to record with probably a handful of old audio techs breaking down every little sound?

Best Lyric: Flashback when you met me / Your buzzcut and my hair bleached / Even in my worst times, you could see the best of me. (If her and Joe could make it through two atrocious hairstyles, they can make it through anything.)

13. This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things*. Should she probably let the Kanye feud go already? Yeah. BUT WHO CARES IF SHE KEEPS WRITING BANGERS ABOUT IT. I mean this is genius. Literally spanking Kim and Kanye through lyrics and creating an anthem at the same damn time. That’s how it’s done. Where has Kanye even been lately? Definitely not living like Gatsby. How cocky is it to compare yourself to Gatsby and have everyone be like well yeah, makes sense. I mean have you seen pics from her casual 4th of July bangers at her Rhode Island mansion? WHAT a boss. Suck a D, K & K. Extra props for the entire bridge riffing off of Kanye’s “Runaway” song. That’s true dissing in art form.

Best Lyric: The cackle. Can we count the cackle as a lyric because it is downright hilarious. Other than that… But I’m not the only friend you’ve lost lately / If only you weren’t so shady. HAHAHAHAHA JAY-Z HATES YOU GUYS TOO!

14. Call It What You Want. Original reaction: I’m down with this little love song. Cause in case you didn’t hear, Taylor’s in love. And she doesn’t need to flaunt it around. Unless she’s writing a song about it. Or like, doing very public dates with Tom Hiddleston (which I still think was all bullshit but that’s neither here nor there.) Anyway, she’s real up front about being chill as hell now: “All the liars are calling me one, Nobody’s heard from me for months, I’m doing better than I ever was, ’cause” CAUSE SHE’S IN LOOOOOOOOVE. Today’s Take: The more that I listen to this song, the more I like it. It’s just a simple love song, no frills. The ONLY bone I have to pick with it is comparing her boyfriend to a brother. Trust is important but dropping a bro comparison into the mix is a little odd for romance. It’s like comparing your sig other to your dad or something. Too far.

Best Lyric: I want to wear his initial on a chain round my neck / Chain round my neck / Not because he owns me / But ’cause he really knows me (Modern day romance…this will 100% be a new trend.)

15. New Year’s Day*. This song gives me all of the chills. And I love that it’s the last song because it should stick with listeners the most after all the womp womps and badass sassy Tay fades. It’s true T. Swift and dare I say it, the most like All Too Well–not that anything will ever compare. Nothing but a little piano playing and some lovely words about a relationship that lasts through the party. Sigh. So sweet. It’s almost like Taylor knows how to warm this icy cold heart of mine and end the album in tears.

Best Lyric: Hold onto the memories and they will hold onto you.

Overall Opinion: Even though her sound is much different and more pop & hip hop influenced, the core of Taylor, which is her boss songwriting skills. She could be rapping right at my face but if her lyrics are still top dog, then I’m down. She’s maturing her storytelling (except for Gorgeous) and I support it wholeheartedly.

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Music, Playlist

Summer Palooza 2k17

Summer solstice has occurred and you KNOW what time it is. Three cheers for the return of SUMMAH PALOOOOOOOZA. And in great news, this year’s version didn’t start a fight between my sister and I. We are hashtag blessed that making this mix didn’t create a family divide for once* and the best season of the year may begin now. (*We’ll be sick of this mix in roughly 10 days)

I’m the One-Dj Khaled ft. Justin Bieber, Chance the Rapper, Lil Wayne. As much as it pains me to kick off arguably the most awaited mix of the year with this buffoon DJ Khaled…it’s a bangpiece of a song and that beat just screams summer and drinking. I’m willing to overlook the girl riding a horse with her tits bouncing all over town in the music video, the fact that Lil Wayne rhymed record with record three times and DJ Khaled calling himself a rapper when all he does is shout WE THE BEST and ANOTHA ONE. All for a good summer jam.

djkhaled

PS Sick purple outfit, bruh. NAHT.

Craving You – Thomas Rhett ft. Maren Morris. We will politely ignore the fact that Maren is on this song in any capacity and just groove to TR like nobody’s biz. Hey Maren, why don’t you writhe all over Keith Urban again in your hot pants and bralette onstage? PEOPLE DON’T FORGET.

Cut To The Feeling – Carly Rae Jepsen. Didn’t give our girl Carly a second thought since Call Me Maybe because to be honest, when you start out the gate with the most epic song on this planet, there’s no way you can ever top yourself. But I guess she’s back and she’s feeling the 80’s real hard so here’s this Breakfast Club beat that will never be as good as her first single.

Body Like A Back Road – Sam Hunt. This song is kind of old and a little overplayed but bonus points for it not having Sam’s weird talk/rapping in it and also triple bonus points because he’s gonna take it real slow on my curves. I mean, whoever’s curves he’s singing about. #sexstuff

Galway Girl – Ed Sheeran. SHE PLAYED THE FIDDLE IN AN IRISH BAND! It’s quite literally impossible not to feel happy when you hear this song. It immediately makes me want to do a car bomb and break into a joyous jig. It’s the song of forever, not just the summer.

Another Love Song – Ne-Yo. Hey what happened to Ne-Yo? Jason Derulo pretty much jacked his schtick but guess what…Jason disappointed us this year with some pretty garbage music lately so Ne-Yo is swooping back in to claim his R&Bizzle throne.

No Such Thing as a Broken Heart – Old Dominion. How many songs reference Jack and Diane as if they’re real human beings? I wonder if John Mellencamp gets resids every time they do. That’d be clutch. Either way, here’s some more country because it’s finally warm enough to listen to country and not be depressed AF. Also it’s a song with a nice message and it’s not just about drinking beer and fishing.

Despacito – Luis Fonsi, Daddy Yankee ft. Justin Bieber. I fought real hard for this number to make the cut because even though it’s 90% not in my language, it just makes me want to move my hips and I’m not sorry bout it. Shouts to JBiebz for getting two songs on Summer Palooza and also making this acceptable for American radio play with his spanglish ramblings.

Sleep Without You – Brett Young. Technically this came out a billion years ago but Brett is a real babe soda and he just wants to snuggle with a lady after she goes clubbin with her lady friends. Can’t knock a guy who lets you do your own thing and just waits for you to come home and spoon him. Actually now that I’ve typed that out he kinda sounds like a loser. But whatevs, the intentions are adorbs.

brettyoung

Remember I Told You – Nick Jonas feat. Anne-Marie & Mike Posner. We were trying to be like the youths by adding this song. I was thinking it appealed to the college aged kids but when I listened to it for a little inspiration for this description my sister’s newborn baby started cooing along to the beat. No joke. So I guess hotter Jonas appeals to ALL ages.

No Promises – Cheat Codes ft. Demi Lovato. This song is caaatchyyyyy AF. Also it created quite a stir in the news because Demi decided to rock some dreads in the video. Hey Demi, act like you’ve been famous before–everyone knows that whites with dreads offends the world. Run a brush through ya hair.

dreads

Hopin’ You Were Lookin’ – Rascal Flatts. Rascal Flatts continues to prove that three middle aged guys who can’t sing for shit can work some real magic in the studio and release bangerz every year. I wish I could snake it that hard to be rich. I put out a banging summer playlist every year and what do I get? NOTHIN I TELL YA.

There’s Nothing Holdin’ Me Back – Shawn Mendes. Teen dream Shawn made it on b2b summer palooza’s so you know he’s legit. Honestly he could sing about farting and I would listen to it all day erreday. I just laughed out loud at the word farting. Because I’m about as mature as his preteen fans, so really it all adds up.

Give Love – Andy Grammer feat. LunchMoney Lewis. Shouts to Andy for tossing a little work at LunchMoney. We haven’t heard from him since he sang about the bills he had to pay while sitting on the can, and it looks like he got himself into shape. Just kidding. He’s still 1000 pounds. Andy still kills it at pop-tastic singles. Three cheers for consistency.

lunchmoney

She’s With Me – High Valley. This is the part of searching for new songs for three weeks where my sister and I pull songs out of our asses and decide that they’re summer palooza worthy just because we’re desp. Either way, it’s SUPRISINGLY UPBEAT!

Strip That Down – Liam Payne Ft. Quavo. Truth bomb: Liam’s single is the worst one from all the 1D solo breakouts plus he shits all over the group and said he hates Harry’s music. (The disrespect is REAL.) Regardless, can’t deny that this beat makes you wanna wiggle. So ignore the “I’m so much cooler than 1D” lyrics and drop it low.

Love Someone – Brett Eldredge. Can’t have summer without a new Brett jam. He’s been crushing it lately with fresh music and I’m all in on watching him serenade his pup on Snapchat every damn day until the end of time.

White Houses – Vanessa Carlton. The season cannot begin nor end without ‘Ness singing about sweaty *consensual* first times in the back of a car. (I copied and pasted this from Summer Palooza 2k16…because this song never changes. Sue me. I dare you.)

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 3/27/17

I took a self-imposed hiatus because Hollywood has been BORING AF lately. It’s pretty selfish of celebrities to not give me something to razz them about, honestly. Lucky for you I found just enough to get back in the saddle this week. HAPPY WEEKEND!

1. FINALLY.

SIGN.OF.THE.TIMES // 7.APRIL.17 //

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Our ears will be blessed next Friday with the only real solo act to come out of 1D that anyone should care about. Harry’s done pretending to be a serious actor and he better DELIVER on the music front after we had to wait this long. Mysterious wading in the water photo isn’t really giving us much but thank God it has already been announced that he’ll be the musical guest on SNL 4/15, with host Jimmy Fallon. Fingers crossed that JFall’s Harry meets real Harry in a skit, or we riot.

2. Whoa, baby.

Babymooning and pretending my blended lemonade is a margarita 🌴👶🏼🌙🍹

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Pregnant bellies kind of freak me out. Mostly because like, there’s a human in there and if I push too hard will it die? This is something I may never know. So preggers people rocking bikinis at the beach usually gives me the heebie jeebies. The minute I see a baby arm or leg move like it’s taking over your body I’M OUTTA THERE. But of course, leave it to LC to make pregnancy chic as hell. Perfect mani, cocktail and beach scene=realistic look at pregnancy.

3. Batting UP.

Look, ARod’s kind of a loser. He could never compare to Jeets and it’s embarrassing how obsessed he is with himself. But let’s be clear, there’s nothing more embarrassing than a nobody (who is this biddy?) telling you that you’re outkicking your coverage in a major way. Girl thinks she’s being cutesy with the sports reference but ain’t nothing gonna cover the fact that she straight up told ARod to his face that he’s not good enough for Jenny from the block. Facts only. Also they’ve been dating a casual 3 weeks so like maybe slow your roll with yapping about her on a talk show. She just got done banging Drake. It’s not going to last. Especially since you’re, hitting out of your weight class? IS THAT HOW YOU SAY IT? LOLOLOLOL. PS unrelated but kind of related…the 3 no name hosts plus Joy Behar saying that JLo liking chocolate chip cookies is breaking news made my eyes roll out of my skull and halfway across the room. HOW IS THIS SHOW STILL ON TV?

4. WHERE IS SUMMER.

AVAILABLE NOW! 🕺🏻#CravingYou ft. @marenmorris

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Despite the fact that it’s rain/snowing in New York for THE NEXT TWO DAYS…I’m going to jam out to this new Thomas Rhett number and pretend warm weather is just around the corner. Ignore the fact that little hoebot Maren is featured on this. Pretend it’s his perfect wifey instead.

5. PUPPY BOUQUETS!

© Discover Love Studios - Brittany Boland - www.discoverlovestudios.com

This has literally nothing to do with anything other than the fact that it was an article on People today but if I’m in your wedding party and you don’t give me a puppy to take pictures with, you’re essentially dead to me. Group photos for weddings are the WORST. The way photographers direct women to pose is only setting us up for failure. “Blow a kiss”, “Walk toward the camera with sass” “Kick your foot up in the air” results in me looking like an awkward giraffe with my mouth open and/or eyes closed 98% of the time. Congrats on getting married, whose that weird bird who ruined all of your professional photos?! …is what I imagine everyone says when they view the final product. (Just me? Whatever) Either way, it’s IMPOSSIBLE to look like a spazz when you have a cuddly baby puppy wuppy in your arms.

bridalpuppies

© Discover Love Studios - Brittany Boland - www.discoverlovestudios.com© Discover Love Studios - Brittany Boland - www.discoverlovestudios.com

 

BONUS: Throwback Eye Candy, Love always, Mandy

Bucket Hat=Pure SEX.

DUBZ BONUS: LOL to the fact that Melissa Joan Hart is suddenly all omg I totally should’ve dated Ryan Reynolds back in the day. HE’S BLAKE’S MAN. BACK OFF, SABRINA. (That hair though.)

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Music

Ed Sheeran – Divide

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I decided to start The Salty Ju after I wrote an aggressive track by track review of T. Swift’s 1989 one fateful October day when I was unemployed. I then sent it to my friend and forced her to read in full. And I thought to myself, WHAT IF I FORCED OTHERS TO READ MY THOUGHTS?! And thus, The Salty Ju was born. It’s a beautiful story, really. It brings a tear to my eye as I’m recounting it right now. That also could be because of the heavy rotation of Ed for the past few days but that’s neither here nor there. Since I love Ed just as much as I love Taylor, I felt like it was absolutely necessary to bring this feature back for your listening pleasure. Because what ruins an album more than reading what’s going on in my brain during each song? Nothing. Nothing, I tell ya.

1. Eraser. Ed snuck this one out a week before the CD was released and I was like MEH it’s no Castle on the Hill or Shape of You but after listening to the entire album, I immediately regretted shitting on this song. It’s a classic rap/singing combo deal from Ed but what makes it a great is that he pronounces Eraser like A Razor. It makes me think of the day I learned via twitter that if you say “rise up lights” it sounds like an Australian saying razor blades. That made for a lovely family Christmas dinner sounding like a bunch of assholes. Accents are fun.

2. Castle on the Hill. I started every single day with this song when it came out. Couldn’t kick off the day without imagining Ed doing his first kiss wrong and being puke free since 93. Instant mood changer. I’d like to say that my youth was also full of sneaking cigs and spirits in a lush green English field but like, realistically my friends and I sat around the family kitchen table, ate Doritos and took quizzes on Sporcle until 2 AM. THE GOOD OLE DAYS.

3. Dive. Ah, love song Ed. Or rather, love song mixed with a hint of sassiness. Seriously don’t call him baby unless you MEAN IT, BITCH. This is hot on the heels of Perfect for my favorite slow jam on Divide.

4. Shape of You. This bangarang was the perfect single to pair with Castle on the Hill because that gave me all the driving feels and this made me want to hit up the club and Jersey turnpike all over the dance flo. Yin and yang.

5. Perfect. Divide’s  version of “Thinking Out Loud” was immediately my fave. It almost got real messy at my desk when I gave it the first listen at work and had to choke back tears. It would’ve been pretty awks if someone had come over and asked me to do something and I responded in between sobs, I DON’T DESERVE THIS, YOU LOOK PERFECT TONIGHT. Thank God I keep my headphones in at all times specifically so no one speaks to me from approximately 9AM until 5:30PM.

6. Galway Girl. If there’s one thing to tak away from this album it’s that Ed’s really kicking up the Irish jig numbers this time around. This one rocks real hard and I wish when I was in Galway I could’ve Irish stepped to this with a Guinness. Instead I bought a $50 “authentic” Irish rugby shirt, walked 2 feet out of the souvenir store and saw the same one for $17. I know, I know. Americans are stupid and uncultured. But whatevs, I could totally play a fiddle in an Irish band. I basically did when I got drunk in Ireland. Everyone loves Americans there. In case you haven’t caught on yet, I’m about to try and make every one of these songs about me. You’re welcome.

7. Happier. Ok so admittedly this song is real sad. But that just means Ed knows how to make a bangpiece mixtape. ALWAYS sneak in a sad number after an upbeat one. It’s how you keep the balance. What a sweetheart he is being happy for this hoebag who left him even though he still loves her a lot. He is far, far more mature than I ever will be.

8. New Man. Yaassssss! This song is living proof that people with an English accent can say WHATEVER they want and it will sound classy. Eyebrows waxed and his asshole bleached? Yes, ok. The only gripe I have with this song is that if you’re going to toss around comments about a bleached asshole you damn well better not bleep out the F word. Go balls to the wall, Ed! I hope whoever this song is about replies with “AND I LOVE MY NEW ASSHOLE!” Side props for Ed admitting to InstaG creeping. Stars, they’re just like us.

9. Hearts Don’t Break Around Here. This is supposed to be a beautiful love song and he compares their love to a pothole in the first few seconds. Weird approach. I mean the song’s good, don’t get me wrong. But “shakes my soul like a pothole” really throws me off every damn time.

10. What Do I Know? I think this is the only song on the album that I don’t like. It will probably get skipped 99% of the time. It’s too J.May’s “Waiting on the World to Change” vibes for me (which also gets skipped every single time.) I don’t need to hear about how your song will cure the stock market crashing. Stick to singing about love and breakups and bleached bholes.

11. How Would You Feel (Paean). I don’t really understand who Paean is but a song kicking off with “you are the one, girl” is a quick way to get me to like it. Yeah, yeah it’s another mushy love song but like THEY’RE ALL SUH GOOD. Kid makes a living singing first dance songs and I respect the hell out of it.

12. Supermarket Flowers. Holy shit this one is depressing AF. Don’t listen to it unless you want to contemplate life and death. According to my superfan of a BFF (who googled it the second she first heard the song), this was written about Ed’s grandma from the perspective of his mom. So like, his mom didn’t die, his grandma did. Either way, singing about dead people going home to heaven and how sad you are is a real downer all around. Gotta be prepared for that kind of sad, like watching The Fault in Our Stars.

13. Barcelona. Ed does it again! Gets the tears rolling then brings it right back up with this Latin flava. How cultured is Ed that he can gracefully go from an Irish brogue to speaking Spanish all on one CD? Yeah it’s kind of jibberish when he tosses out “Drinking Sangria, mi niña, te amo mi cariño.” That’s like me saying, “Hola, margaritas, senorita” while shaking some maracas in a sombrero…but A+ for effort anyway.

14. Bibia Be Ye Ye. This is absolute nonsense. All I ask is that every singer I love make lyrics that I can easily learn and sing along to, so that I may properly perform a solo concert while driving. This is getting really tough when you shove made up sounds into the chorus of a song. Whatever, it’s still a banger. I forgive you, Ed. I’m still going to crush this live.

15. Nancy Mulligan. Another fun Irish snippet—I’m guessing about how Ed’s grandparents met? I’m just spitballing here, based on the lyrics. Gramps Sheeran sounds like a real badass though. Her dad was like no you don’t have permission to marry my daughter and he was like eh, F it–let’s go down by the Wexford border and do the damn thing. Between this jam and Galway Girl, I’m about 2 seconds away from booking a trip that I can’t afford to Ireland. I won’t (seriously, Dad, I won’t book another vacation I can’t afford) but I WANT TO.

16. Save Myself. Kind of a low point to end on, if I were producing I probably would’ve ended on ole Nancy Mully, but wut3v3r. I guess it’s more of a wistful life lesson to take away. LOVE YOURSELF. I don’t know, I’m trying to see the positive in this one but it’s kind of hard when he’s droning on about drinking and taking prescription pills. Get your head out of your ass and save yourself, Ed.

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Music, Television

Grammys 2017 Recap

james

Since I can’t go like five minutes without voicing my opinion, I’ve decided to round up a quick recap of last night’s Grammys. Why? Because if I have to sit through 15 hours of television, I reserve the right to dissect every single thing that happened as if I am an expert on all things awards shows.  So in no particular order, here are the top five things that happened last night when I turned 35 watching a bunch of celebrities sing on TV.

1. I’m on Hiatus from the Hive.

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Just like every other basic bitch in America, I love Beyonce. She’s super rich, puts out bangers, and kind of scares me a little bit. Well, I’m also real enough to admit when she’s doing too much. Telling her husband to suck on her balls and stop cheating on her via song? Funny and cool. Wearing a gold headdress and doing an entire performance with children laughing and a recording of your own voice whispering a speech? Creepy AF. Performing her most snoozeworthy songs chopped up with her talking about women and moms while she sits like a robot on a tipping chair was enough. Even Blue was like ok, mom, wrap it up. After those weird pregnancy announcement photos I was on the fence and then everything she did at the Grammys last night tipped me over the edge. I’m using this platform to announce to you all that I’m taking a break, Ross and Rachel style, from the Beyhive. Will I be back the minute she sneezes those babies out? Obviously. But for right now I think it’s time that we see other people.

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2. John Travolta is still oblivious.

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It seems like we drag up Johnny T every year to collectively have a laugh at his expense at a major awards show. We’ve had him stroking out over Idina Menzel at the Oscars and then trying to get in on the joke the year after. Last night it was a pleasure to watch him and his diamond chainz read off of index cards because the teleprompter type isn’t big enough for his old person eyes. I want to believe that he’s self-aware and knows everything he does is weird but at the same time I know in my heart that John thinks he’s real life Danny Zuko, cool as a cucumber while all of Hollywood makes fun of him. And somehow that makes it better.

3. No Red Sox Fans in Hollywood. 

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We all knew it was coming, but I don’t think anyone expected it to be this awkward. Like Ellen’s Oscar selfie, it’s always a bigger host win if they can get as many famous people to play into a bit as possible. Unfortunately for James, I don’t think he anticipated not one single person knowing the words to Sweet Caroline. Even Neil Diamond was struggling and they were all clearly reading the lyrics off of a teleprompter. They didn’t even nail the SO GOOD, SO GOOD, SO GOOD and drunk people in a bar can crush that! It was such a trainwreck that even Blue Ivy bopped over to see what all the fuss was. Apparently she thinks that just because she was born into the Illuminati she can crash a carpool karaoke sesh and then not sing when the mic is given to her. She better learn to start hamming it up real soon or she’ll be forgotten as soon as these twins are born.

4. Rihanna likes to party. 

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We always need someone in the audience to watch and although CBS wanted it to be Keith Urban with the amount that they panned to him grooving out, the real winner was Rihanna and her booze. If I had to sit through that awards show and look entertained with cameras on me you better believe that I’m gonna be tossing back shots from a diamond flask. At one point she literally goes, I think it’s time for another shot. I almost wished I was drinking last night so that RiRi didn’t have to do shots alone. I am nothing if not a polite social drinker. Never let your friend take a solo shot, that’s my motto.

5. Adele is Queen.

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Adele snuck right up to being my favorite person at the Grammys last night. At first I was like ok, Hello is the oldest song ever I don’t need to hear it again. But then she pulled a boss move by casually stopping her George Michael trib, tossing around a couple of F bombs and declaring a redo. It makes me love her even more knowing that she has a garbage can mouth because I don’t know if you know this about me, but I too appreciate a good swear word and if world class singer Adele can pull that shit and get a standing O, THEN SO CAN I. (Mom and Dad- pls remember that the next time I accidentally swear in your presence.) Anyway, Adele then went on to win all of the awards and slobber all over Beyonce in the process. Quickest way to make sure Beyonce fans don’t instantly hate you? Declare in your acceptance speech that Beyonce should’ve won and that’s obvious. Adele is always one step ahead.

Bonus: Ed working that loop like nobody’s biz. It’s no Castle on the Hill but I accept.

 

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Red Carpet

Grammys Red Carpet 2017

Let’s start right off the bat by saying Taylor Swift did not attend this year and I was already going into this red carpet/show disappointed. Either way, not super impressed with any of the looks and forced myself to be nice for a few that I would’ve absolutely dragged through the mud on a regular night.

WORST

The 59th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Looks like Girl Crush (?) hit up the McD’s ball pit pre-show.

59th GRAMMY Awards -  Arrivals

The most shocking thing about this outfit is that this is Bonnie McKee. I saw Bonnie open for Ryan Cabrera at my first concert sans parents. YIKES.

59th GRAMMY Awards -  Arrivals

We get it, Tinashe, if you wear a criss cross bra it will push your boobs up to your eyebrows. Every girl learns that trick in like 8th grade.

59th GRAMMY Awards -  Arrivals

Oh, alright. As if CeeLo doesn’t look terrifying enough as is, let’s toss a gold mask into the mix.

Halsey

Real talk how is she preventing a nip slip here? Sweet silk cargo pj’s though.

The 59th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Crazy Gaga is back and she’ll spike you with her sleeves if you talk about her bod.

59th GRAMMY Awards -  Arrivals

Less is more when you have actual chains cutting into your skin.

The 59th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

WHAT is being channeled here? Also WHY is Margaret Cho at the Grammys?

The 59th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Everything sucks about this. Sorry Celine. Sort of. (She bounced back with a much better dress for presenting)

The 59th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Two completely different dresses in one.

The 59th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Designed by Miss Frizzle.

59th GRAMMY Awards -  Arrivals

Dear God please tell me we’re not making pink eyeshadow a thing. First Sophia, now Lea?! PINK EYE IS NOT TRENDY–ASK BOB COSTAS.

The 59th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

It pains me to do this but that studded jacket/silk shirt combo is so embarrassing.

59th GRAMMY Awards -  Arrivals

I like the color of this but on principle cannot put Maren on my best dressed ever since she writhed all over Keith Urban in hot pants this summer. People don’t forget, Maren.

Chance The Rapper

Chance the Rapper is really throwing some Erkel vibes.

The 59th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Tori!!! No, girl.

BEST

59th GRAMMY Awards -  Red Carpet

Country’s most adorbs childhood sweethearts always kill the red carpet.

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When you no longer have to match a bunch of duds for every red carpet>>>>>>>>>

59th GRAMMY Awards -  Arrivals

Not always into the skinny tie but Ryan Tedder is looking fresh.

The 59th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Baller AF.

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James is WEARING that pastel.

Carrie Underwood

Her performance dress was a billion trillion times hotter. But whatevs.

59th GRAMMY Awards -  Arrivals

Royalty.

The 59th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Katherine’s boobs look good. Facts only.

The 59th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Chrissy looks MUCH better when she’s not trying to match her husband.

The 59th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

FIERCE.

Demi Lovato

Demi went a little too hard with the brown paint on her cleavage but otherwise looks like a bangpiece.

59th GRAMMY Awards -  Arrivals

The 59th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

I wanted to hate this tbh, but she’s kinda werking it, so I’ll let it slide.

FIJI Water At The 59th Annual GRAMMY Awards

Speaking of werrrkkkk

Heidi Klum

We can almost see her lady curtains but at the same time I actually drooled over her legs. So here we are.

59th GRAMMY Awards -  Arrivals

It didn’t photograph top notch, but Adele actually looked really good, and also props to her spray tanner who achieved the coveted bronzed look that is rare AF on red carpets. Plus she was overall queen of the eve, so claps for Adele and “Hello”, which now seems like its been out for no less than 10 years.

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Music, Playlist

Boy Band Slow Jamz

James Corden had it right when he declared last week that we need boy bands back. Unfortunately he followed up this announcement by joining BSB for a quick rendition of Backstreet’s Back, and proved himself wrong. Seriously, it was a little pitchy, dawgs. James probably sounded the best out of all of them. Anyway, the idea was great, execution not so much. Therefore, I decided to bring back the essence of a good boy band—multi-part harmonies and crooning about makeups and breakups. So let’s sloooow it down, late night radio style with a bunch of dudes singing about their feelings.

All Or Nothing-O-Town. I’m gonna be honest, I kind of forgot about this song until last weekend when a real hero put it on at the bar and suddenly I felt the need to dramatically sing it word for word. Unfortunately, the guy unwelcomely hitting on me at the time didn’t support my impromptu performance and while I was mid-hand symbols for “NOTHING AT ALL”, he shouted that he understood he wasn’t as attractive as other guys and stomped off. Bro really killed what could’ve been the story we told our grand-puppies some day.

I Knew I Loved You-Savage Garden. These pretty boys can always get me teary, they can make even an upbeat song sound sad. But this song really takes the cake, romance up the wazoo declaring they love a girl before they’ve even met her. That’s a real gamble, boys.

I’ll Make Love To You- Boyz II Men. Yeah that’s RIGHT. It’s not only a mix of white pretty boys with coordinated grooves. Sometimes you need a little babymakin music to set the tone. Don’t let go, Boyz II Men. Don’t ever let go.

The Hardest Thing-98 Degrees. What a cocky break up song from the hot ones, here. (98 degrees and HEATING UP) Hey I know I just dumped you and everything, but like, it was really hard on ME. Doubt it.

Still On Your Side-BBMak. This isn’t the slowest of slow jamz, but BBMak deserved a spot amongst the best boy bands. They had fab porcupine hairstyles and would take their girls’ side even when she’s wrong. If that’s not noble AF, I don’t know what is.

When You Look Me in the Eyes- Jonas Brothers. Curveball—never would’ve guessed I would toss these little wieners on a playlist. Also never would’ve guessed that Nick would be the man of my dreams with bangerz on bangerz and Joe would have blue hair and be in a band of misfits with Kevin being demoted to releasing and promoting the DNCE video game app. Let’s LOL at the fact that these curly headed bros were once singing about true love on the Disney channel.

Penny and Me-Hanson. Was it like law that we never understand what Hanson is singing? Because Mmmbop was one thing but seriously are they singing with marbles in their mouths? Something something, PENNY & ME TONIGHT! Whatevz, I love it.

Swear it Again-Westlife. Pretty sure Westlife was a one hit wonder but this song is a real keeper. So emosh and such dramatic music. Everything a girl dreams for in a serenade.

It Happens Everytime-Dream Street. This was tossed in more for comical value, but also, it’s sneaky great. These boys were literally no older than 12 years old and they were hitting those falsettos like their balls would never drop. It deserves all the snaps for introducing us to Jesse McCartney, even though he was a back row resident in the videos…probz cause of that middle-part shroom cut. Either way, I was way too old to ‘preciate Dream Street when they were a hit because there were a million better boy bands but that didn’t stop me from comparing these lyrics to surprise boners. WHAT happens every time you see me? Classic innuendos.

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As Long As You Love Me-Backstreet Boys. My #2’s in the boy band game, it was a real toss up to pick just one slow jam from BSB. Pretty grateful that after accusing my sister of stealing my No Strings Attached CD last week (she’s still denying it) she redeemed herself by sending me all of her BSB discography so that I could make this playlist. I’m not sure why she’s been hoarding so many songs but her email subject lines more than made up for it.

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Anyway, back to this ridiculous song about how all these boys need is love. So you could pretty much be a real asshole, but just love your man and you’re G2G in the Backstreet playbook.

I Can Love You Like That- All-4-One. These boys get it. Sing about some fairytale shit and we’re in. Kind of wanted to put I Swear in here but then couldn’t un-see a fat Chris Brander with retainer intact singing it. So this is a real close second.

brander

You & I-One Direction. It may seem that I’m obsessed with the 90’s (and that’s because I am) but I can still tip my cap to the present day boy bands and even though 1D didn’t dance up a storm, they still mastered their genre’s craft of the slow jam love song. Also since 99% of the boy bands on this mix have broken up, they now fit right in. Either way, this song gives me all the chillz. Things can totes come between the 1D boys but like nothing will ever come between my relationship with them. And that’s all that matters.

Gone-N*SYNC. Ending with the GOAT. Again, could’ve chosen a bajillion N*SYNC tunes, but I decided to go with a late pick off of their last CD. Why? Because JT owned the shit out of this song and it’s very clear as to why he is still soaking undies with just one note to this day. The ending of this song when he lets it rip? Not a dry pair within a 100 mile radius. Jus sayin. In completely unrelated news, shout out to the fact that the last time this song came on shuffle while road-trippin, my sister and I had an unspoken agreement that she would sing backup so that I could solo. She’s the real MVP. Sometimes you just know when someone needs to show their range. And just for shits, here’s the really dramatic black and white video when JT was going through his shaved head phase. (And for a brief unfortunate moment, hitler mustache phase.)

 

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