Tag Archives: Justin Bieber

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 1/4/2021

We made it to 2021. Are you one of those people who thinks when the clock strikes midnight on January 1st the world resets and everything changes… or are you rational? New year, same everything baybay, which of COURSE includes me razzing celebrities for their life choices…don’t matter what the numbers on the cal say. LET’S GET TO IT.

1. When Harry Met Wilde.

Olivia-Wilde-Harry-Styles

My friend scooped me on this new Hollywood item. I always feel like I need to be honest with my readers when I’ve gotten got. Mostly because I rub it directly in everyone’s faces when I scoop them. It’s only fair to play both sides. At first when she broke the news I was thinking it was Olivia Culpo and I was like oh yeah duh. Hot young twenty-something’s dating, checks out. Then I stopped myself and said WILDE. As in freshly broken up with Baby Daddy Jason Sudeikis with two kiddies running around at home. And this does not check out. I mean obviously Harry has always had a thing for older women but here’s where I have a bone to pick. Harry is livin the damn dream. He’s got a wildly successful solo career, he’s become somewhat of a fashion icon (controversially so, plz reference the Vogue cover where he cross-dressed and everyone lost their G-D minds), and he’s known for having a solid sense of humor. Basically he’s the whole package and now is NOT the time for him to be playing daddy to someone else’s kids in a messy entanglement. It’s obviously a rebound–one that I’m sure Jason wants to drill his eyes out seeing unfold as he is 45 years old and his baby momma is smooching with a 26 year old. Most importantly, I wanted to drill my eyes out at the sight of this new fling’s debut. They’re attending a wedding together, so before I even opened the picture I expected to see a real outlandish getup from Mr. Styles. What I saw instead was him in a plain bagel black tux and Olivia wearing a turban and a nightgown to someone’s formal affair. Coming from someone who rotates through an impressive collection of loungewear and sweats on a weekly basis, I get that I have no leg to stand on judging fashion HOWEVER if I were invited to a wedding (especially now) you bet your ass I’d be showing up the bride or I wouldn’t be attending at all. What a wasted opportunity for Olivia to get red carpet ready. Seems like SOMEONE has been listening to a little too much folklore/evermore. Here’s some more gratuitous shots of the new coups gallivanting around town, masked. As I imagine this will be short-lived, get it while it’s hot. I’m gonna toss it out there these two won’t make it to Spring. Sorry not sorry.

harry-styles-olivia-wildeharry-olivia

Also here’s Harry’s latest music video that’s real weird but he does a lot of dancing, if you’re into that sort of thing. I thought I was going to be but apparently my boner for Harry Styles went away in 2016 when everyone in my family made fun of me for having a crush on him.

2. The Wests Go South.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

Shocking to absolutely no one and yet everyone at once, the two biggest narcissistic a-holes on this earth might actually officially end things. WHAT?! A perfect pairing! WHY 2021…WHYYYYYYYYYY?! COULD THIS YEAR GET ANY WORSE?! Gawd, cue the CANCEL MY SUBSCRIPTION TO 2021 MEMES. After Kanye ran for president, publicly declared he wanted to abort their firstborn because he was still banging other chicks at the time, going on manic raves on Twitter comparing Kris Jenner to a dictator…I think we pretty much all called curtains on this relashe. But even a tone deaf Kardashian knew that post-mental health breakdown was not an approps time to serve someone divorce papers. So I assume they went on living their lives separately in the 900 mansions that they own and honestly I thought they might carry on like that forever. Why get a messy divorce when you’ve got a mastermind like Kris Jenner in the mix? Bitch could probably snap her fingers and hide this whole thing, banishing Kanye to Wyoming and Kim could be free to live her life and fly her closest 100 friends out to a private island for her 40th birthday party. It seemed like the perfect agreement. Except not anymore! Apparently now it’s time to cut the ties officially, which probably means there’s a scandal waiting to come out and I’m salivating at the prospect. LET KANYE BACK ON TWITTER AND OPEN THE FLOODGATES, YO! Give us the dirt. And speaking of Kim’s #ThisIs40 douchebaggery, apparently Kanye only showed up for one day of it to drop that WEIRD hologram bomb and then peace tf out. I find that hilarious. Probably the creepiest gift of all time to bring back someone’s dead dad as a hologram to overly compliment your husband but even more hilarious to do it on the verge of divorce and then roll out. Clearly it worked as Kim shared that moment with the world to rave about her AMAHZING husband and the perfect gift. Which leads me to my favorite tweet of this whole scandal:

Rumors have surfaced that Kanye was cheating on Kim with Jeffree Star, a Youtube makeup guy…but like 5 mins after that one started swirling, the girl who started it on Tiktok admitted to doing it for clout and is now being sued by Kim Kardashian and using it to get more followers. The deeeeeeepest of eye rolls. Either way, I’ll keep my ear to the ground (Twitter) in anticipation of the guaranteed scandal that will come of this divorce. By the end of 2021 the I don’t need no stinkin man for world domination Kardashians will be on THE PROWL. Can’t hold no mans down when you’re running an empire. 

3. New Binge Alert.

If you know ANYTHING about me, you know that I suffer from the most severe form of FOMO. If people are talking about something, I need to consume it as well. I had heard about Bridgerton coming to Netflix from my book club (yeah that’s right, I’m now a middle class divorcee) based on a series of books that are equal parts red hot read and historical. I checked out the trailer and my sister and I both decided that this show wasn’t for us. We love a good sexy book or show (and unfortunately even delved into 365 days long enough to learn that stealing a woman and forcing her to have sex with you is what the kids are into these days) but we’ve never been much into the historical colonial times. And for that reason we were out. Then I spent roughly 3 more days on Twitter with everyone popping off about Bridgerton before I finally caved. Last weekend I took the deep dive. 8 episodes of “the season” in Regency England, which essentially is a Gossip Girl of the 1800’s. It was interesting enough for me to commit to it but also as I warned my sister when I told her she probably wouldn’t tolerate it–the sex doesn’t really start to happen until about halfway through. It’s a real snoozy lead-up to be honest. In addition to being a slow build to climax, there’s also the super weird factor that girls (yes, girls, I’m guessing 16 was the marrying age) didn’t know what sex was until they were married. That was a BIT of a turnoff for me while watching scandalous romps. I mean the main character didn’t understand how babies were made. And that’s VERY CONCERNING to me. Other than that… the music slapped, everyone was hot (minus the unfortunate bangs) and there was enough juicy gossip intrigue to keep me hooked. So in conclusion, if you have a short attention span–this is a skip. If you have a little time on your hands like myself, give it a watch because you KNOW there will be a season 2. It’s Shonda Rhimes. That bitch don’t know how to NOT make a hit TV show. (Last pro tip: put the subtitles on…you’re going to need it with the 1,2 punch of British accents AND old English phrases.)

4. Bean Dad.

A Twitter treasure occurred this week and so I must report on it for all of my followers (my family) who are not on Twitter. A guy who probably isn’t really famous but has a podcast with Jeopardy great Ken Jennings decided to hop on the ole Twitter machine and tell a funny story. Well, a story he thought was funny. And NO ONE ELSE AGREED. This 1 million tweet thread in summary is: his 9 year old was hungry, she wanted beans, she didn’t know how to open the can, so he used it as a teaching moment and wouldn’t let her eat until she learned how to use a can opener. He obviously drew it out and was clearly exaggerating several parts of the story. None of it made me laugh. Everyone PILED on him and told him he was a terrible dad and made fun of him and then eventually dug up old racist tweets of his until he deleted his account and went into hiding. An undoing of BEANS. I have SO many thoughts on this and probably the most prominent one is BEANS. WHAT HUMAN BEING EATS BEANS FROM A CAN FOR LUNCH? ARE YOU A 105 YEAR OLD HOMELESS PERSON? Like just the word BEANS grosses me out and makes me immediately think of farts. So sucks to be this guy who now will forever be known as Bean Dad. Bet he wishes it was a can of chicken noodle soup now. Second of all, it is well known within my family and a close trusted circle of friends that I physically cannot operate a can opener. So right off the bat this story hit home with me. If I grew up with Bean dad, I’d probably have starved to death. Instead, I grew up with bougie enablers who raised me on an electric can opener. You know what you do with an electric can opener? You plug it in and stick the can to the magnetic top and push down on the button. BOOM. Can opened. I wrongfully assumed that this was the time period we were living in and that *manual* can openers were extinct. I found out through living in a townhouse with a bunch of girls in college, this was not the case. I broke so many can openers in college attempting to learn how to use one that I finally had to admit my fault and purchase my own electric can opener. I also had a very jarring incident where I hacked at a can of olives one day, broke the can opener and then broke skin on my finger on the jagged half open can edge trying to strong arm it the rest of the way open. I almost had to go get a tetanus shot BECAUSE I AM A CAN OPENING MORON. Don’t show Bean Dad this. He’ll beat me to death with a can. Now that I have all of this off my chest I can say my life has been much more free owning the fact that I am an electric can opener gal and would NEVER survive in the wild. But also, let it be known that even with my fancy doodad that magically opens the cans, never under any circumstances would that can be BAKED BEANS. Also, obviously Bean Dad came back with an apology because that’s how the world works. Nowhere in there did he apologize for feeding his child beans. Shout out to my parents for never feeding me beans and also coddling me with an electric can opener since birth. YOU DA REAL ONES.

5. Is JB Hot?

Justin Bieber dropped a new song and a very theatrical music video based on him as a fighter and since it occurred in an era where men didn’t cover their bodies in tats, he airbrushed over all of his bod art. And seeing Biebs not covered head to toe in ink I had to take a long hard look at myself and ask, do I think Justin Bieber is HOT?! The jury’s still out on if I’d date a makeup covered Biebz, but regardless, this song is good and you KNOW I love a dramatic music video.

BONUS:

This picture was taken on New Years Eve and it gave me a deep belly chuckle. Of course everyone was like HOW 2020 OF BEN AFFLECK juggling packages and his Dunks order while wearing loungewear. And yeah, that’s true. But what’s more hilarious is how we have paparazzi who are hired to take pictures of Ben Affleck with his coffee. There are 9 zillion photos of Ben Affleck with a Dunks icey at your disposal at any moment’s notice. At what point do the paparazzi say you know what? I think we’re good on that type of content. The answer is obviously never. Honestly at this point I’m just surprised as to why Ben and Casey Affleck aren’t the TOP spokespeople for Dunks. Between their artfully crafted Boston accents, affinity for all Boston sports, constant Dunks in their hand and of course, the critically acclaimed Dunkin SNL sketch…WHAT IS CORPORATE DUNKS WAITING FOR?! Since I’m a creative mastermind and I am unemployed (get @ me Dunks Marketing) I’ll set the scene for you…Dunks sent out a branded TANDEM bike as part of their pre-holiday merch line and I was salivating at the thought of owning it.

Now I’m salivating at the thought of Ben and Casey Affleck riding this hot rod through downtown Boston, handing out glazed donuts and iced coffees. Make it happen Dunks or you’ll get a Vanilla Nut Tap.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/14/2020

1. Guard That Pu**y.

guardthatpu**y

Touchy subject in the #MeToo era of Hollywood is the leakage of nudes. I remember back in 2014 when the “Fappening” occurred and there was a widespread anonymous celebrity nude hack, my entire family sat around the dinner table rating the quality and creativity of nekkid photos. Since most of those were chick photes, I feel it is important to point out that I’m an equal opportunist when it comes to released b-day suit pics. When Orlando Bloom went balls out on a paddleboarding sesh, I also giggled at that and sent it to everyone I know so that they had the pleasure of receiving an unexpected dick pic from me. When Tiger Woods had that weird shirtless photo bopping around with his puffy nips, I zoomed in and sent that to everyone I know too. What I’m trying to get at here is that not only am I a perv and NOSY as hell, but I like to bring others down with me. When Chris Evans started trending on Twitter the other night and I realized it was an oopsie nude, I dug deep into the bowels of the internet to get my grabbers on this pic. Here’s what happened…Chris posted an instagram story of family game night via a screen recording from his phone. A lesson for all novice screen recorders, that shit will capture everything on your screen THUS THE NAME. Apparently he had his camera roll open and the last second of the video got a snag of what he’s got saved in there. The first piece was this meme that I’m sure someone made and he thought was funny with his face and “Guard that Pussy”. At least I hope with all of my heart that he thought it was funny and didn’t un-ironically send that to a lady friend because if anyone ever seriously sent me that even a Guardian of the Galaxy himself, my bits would be drier than the Sahara. Fingers crossed it’s all in good humor. And then snipers also feasted their eyes on a very artsy dick pic from ya boy. I will not be reposting it because as inapprops as my language is and no matter how revealing a celeb is on the red carpet, we don’t dabble in porn pics on The Salty Ju. I will, however, describe this pic to the best of my ability and let your imagination recreate it in your mind’s eye or you can be an adult and google it yourself. Below is the cameral roll with the d*ck p*c blurred out:

chrisevans

It essentially was a super closeup peen shot, black and white style. Anyone who goes so far to put a classic inkwell filter on your junk is trying to be Picasso. Look, girls have a lot to offer when it comes to the world of nudes. Our bodies are sexy and we’ve got a lot of different parts to work with. Guys just have their junk. And you know what? It looks the same in every picture. No matter how you prop it, it’s a wiener. I appreciate Chris for attempting to spice things up with his dick pic but whether it’s black and white or not, it’s still an eggplant emoji and if sent on a random Wednesday afternoon, chances are the recipient will be disgusted. Sorry guys, I’m here to speak the truth. Since I just dumped all over dick pics in general, I will say that he had the kind of wiener that looked like it was carved from marble. Real smooth peen. Again, could be the filter but it definitely wasn’t anything to be ashamed of. Which is why…he spun it like the PR maven that he is…First he tweeted this:

Then he went on Tamron Hall and faced the music via Zoom. Whatta guy. Chris Evans will forever be known for spin-zoning his nude into a political convo to get people to vote. Should he be the next Pres?

2. YOUTHS, EVERYWHERE!

There’s a lot of these videos from the world trying to relate to Gen Z and the TikTokker’s and I typically hate all of them. I hate Gen Z a lot but having out of touch oldies make fun of them just makes us millennials look worse. I’m trying not to get bullied by people who are ten years younger than me making millions off of online vids, be cool everyone. But then LOVABLE AF Paul Rudd came along and made this video possible. In his stupid yellow sweatsuit dancing it out and using all of the garbo phrases youths use like yeet & no cap & dank & fam. He even added a tasty guitar lick to keep it spicy and a callback to one of his most adorable moments with “hey look at us.” Do I hate the fact that Governor Cuomo had anything to do with this because he’s a tryhard confusing old man sex symbol who wants youth approval? Yes 100%. But do I love the fact that Paul Rudd called him Cuomz? Yes 100%. I’ll let this slide because it’s the Ruddster and he can do no wrong. Also because youths are stupid as hell and the more we point it out *fingers crossed* they’ll become self aware and stop bullying millennials online for being old and out of touch because IT HURTS OUR FEELINGS, OK?

3. BB’s.

Baby Bloom

I’ve gotten to the point where there’s so much freaking baby news each week that I’ll just be combining it into one “headline” because babies are a real snoozefest and yet I feel obligated to report on them. First up we have Taylor Swift’s gift to Katy Perry & Orlando Bloom’s newb. It’s not enough that Taylor wrote a whole album during quarantine, she also has to be one of those artsy people who just whips up a hand-embroidered silk blanket as a baby gift. Gawd that’s annoying. Next we have Chrissy Teigen “accidentally” revealing that she’s having a boy with a social media video. Make no mistakes, pre-recording a video and posting it on several social media platforms is not an oops unless it’s an artsy dick pic. Stop playing dumb, Chrissy–we know you’re an internet pro.

A pregnancy announcement from Ashley Tisdale–her first child. And on the opposite end of the spectrum, Taylor Hanson, 1/3 of the genius that is MMMBop is expecting his seventh child. SEVENTH. THERE ARE GOING TO BE 7 KIDS IN ONE HOUSEHOLD. WUT. My vagina shuddered at the mere thought of that. 

And finally my friend tried to fake scoop me (punishable by face tat, start picking out your mug art, Kat) that Gigi Hadid had her baby which resulted in a very lengthy analysis of just how many months along she actually is because it seemed FAR too soon for labor–I even involved my mother who reminded me that Jessica Biel had a baby and no one even know she was pregnant, which just got me re-annoyed that she’s married to Justin Timberlake and I’m not. BUT ALAS, false alarm…baby still in belly. In fact we were #blessed with several bump peeps this week from the Hadid clan. First from Bella who showed just how out of touch she is with this world by calling washboard supermodel abs a “food baby” –pro tip for Bella, if you can roll the waistband of your size double 0 jeans you are anything but bloated…and then from Gigi herself giving us some ANGLEZ to prove that this creature has yet to enter the world regardless of her dad posting poems for it on Insta.

View this post on Instagram

from about 27 wks 🥺💙 time flew

A post shared by Gigi Hadid (@gigihadid) on

4. Cardi B & Offset Get the Big D.

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I guess even the wettest of P’s still can’t hold a man down. Your downstairs could be a waterfall and you could be a certified freak seven days a week and your rapper husband will still be dipping his paw in some other chick’s honey pot. Girl better dance that WAP on over to someone who appreciates it. HEYYYOOOOOO.

5. That’s Hot.

I took the liberty of watching the Paris Hilton documentary so that you don’t have to. Don’t say I never gave you anything. The doc was created to reveal that Paris had a trauma early on in her life that basically shaped everything and how she presented herself to the world. She was sent to a behavioral correction school out in Utah as a teen because she loved partying and wanted to get into the fashion scene and her parents wanted better for her. It turns out this place thrived on mentally, physically & sexually abusing their “students.” Paris kept all this locked up until recently when she decided to do this doc and reach out to a group of girls who went through the same thing she did. Overall I’d say it was interesting to see a lot of public things that Paris did through the new perspective knowing that she was abused for several years when she was forming her identity. She admits that most of her relationships have been abusive, even showing paparazzi photos where she has bruises all over her body. Obviously she touches on the sex tape and how she was coerced into it by her first real boyfriend who she was trying to impress. And probably the most interesting tidbit of them all, Paris is Keyser Soze. She’s secretly brilliant and has been putting on this dum dum “That’s Hot” act ever since the early 2000’s. In her child slavery schools she was forced to clean so acting like she didn’t know what a sponge was in “The Simple Life” was pure acting talent. Her normal voice octave isn’t breathy and moronic. Bitch has been playing the media for decades and has made billions off of it. Watching this unfold throughout the documentary leading up to the point when one of her former fellow students pointed out that she was a physics brainiac in school was the moment when Keyser Soze loses the limp at the end of the movie (spoiler alert). Glass shattered. Paris is smarter than us all. Speaking of being smart I also watched the Netflix doc The Social Dilemma this week (yes that’s right, I have full range in my doc viewing) and I recommend it to anyone who doesn’t suffer from anxiety and social media addiction. Cause that B blew shit wide open when it comes to the social media age and how it’s ruining our society and the AI and algorithms that are specifically created to know our every want, need, mood & otherwise and prey on it. YIKES ON BIKES. THE WORLD IS ENDING. PARIS HILTON IS A SECRET GENIUS AND THE INTERNET IS OUT TO GET US. DOOM DOOM DOOM.

BONUS: It’s video time, baybay. First up we have this guy Mike known for his sarcastic and hilarious 60 second classics where he breaks down scenes or entire movies (mostly from the 90’s). As an avid fan of 90’s classics, I personally enjoy his videos and this one was posted this week that had me in tears. For all fellow 3 Ninja’s stans…listen to him break down their RIDICULOUS schoolyard hoopz challenge. *Goes full rocketeer and sends that cheese to the moon*

Next up we have a collection of new beats/videos that premiered today. Brett Eldredge covered Billie Eilish’s Party’s Over. I’ve always loved this song and after hearing Brett hold the note in One Mississippi live a few years back, I know he’s got pipes and I love that he covered this. Kinda weird to put the audio over concert footage of him bopping around clearly singing a different song but whatevs. Then a song that is basically just a remix (I don’t at all understand DJ’s and how they can basically release a “brand new song” that’s been around for 30+ years) but it features the “IT” couple from Outerbanks so if you’re thirsty for some John B content, I aim to please. And lastly, a new drop from Bieber who seems to have been very busy in quarantine creating new music and this is quite a deep vid. What a tale he weaves with this Holy beat.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Screen Shot 2020-09-04 at 10.43.38 AM

Week of 8/31/2020

1. Perfect Baby.

God I’m so sick of talking about babies. But it’s Ed. And he doesn’t even use social media. He’s completely off the grid and popped back on to announce a surprise baby and obviously this is big juicy news regardless of if I’m sick of the Hollywood baby boom or not. Plus he decided to post a photo in color of some very drab looking socks and blanket. Would I have preferred a peep at this baby to see if she inherited his bright orange hair? OBVIOUSLY. But is this better than another black and white hands grasping or baby feet complete lack of creativity? YES TIMES A MILLION. Now onto that name…Lyra Antarctica Seaborn Sheeran. Again, much like Chris Pratt…why are we punishing these children with two last names? WITH A MIDDLE NAME LIKE ANTARCTICA? This is a crime. Lyra means harp which I guess is fitting for a musician. It’s not the worst I’ve ever heard like ANTARCTICA is. Honestly I don’t even know how to spell that. I had to google it to find out what exactly it is so I could properly reference it (I’m growing dumber by the second, deal with it.) It’s a continent, geography lesson for us all, and let me double down that there is no worse way to tell a child where you conceived them than to name them after the place. NO child should be burdened with the thought of their parents having relations on vacation to make them from birth. Uh uh, not cool.

2. Chadwick Boseman.

This news came through Friday night and honestly I didn’t want to kick of this week’s news with a death even though this was huge shocking celebrity news. For the entirety of his career, Chadwick has been battling colon cancer privately. That is NUTS. Think about the toll that cancer takes on someone’s body. Then think about what working on a movie would look like. Add in an action movie. He’s doing all of this strenuous work, getting his body into physical shape, long hours, then he’s going out in public on a press tour for each movie. That’s EXHAUSTING and he was doing it all while secretly dealing with cancer destroying his body. Since I’m uncultured and don’t watch many movies outside of the Netflix rom com bubble, I hadn’t seen any movies that Chadwick was in. So I can’t speak to his acting abilities or say that I’m super familiar with his work. From what I’ve read he was a good guy all around visiting children with terminal cancer to spread positivity and make their day when he was struggling himself. And more recently he posted a picture looking sick and was immediately jumped on in Internet comment-land for having a drug problem because of his appearance. It’s a tragic loss no matter how you look at it and if you’ve figured it out by now, I’m not so eloquent with the words when it comes to serious things. So as always, I’ll defer to the things that I found people sharing about his death that I found really moving and important to share.

3. Adele ya dead?

Ya mon. (This joke will hit with the very specific crowd that loved Cool Runnings as much as I did growing up.) I looked up this picture and 100% expected it to be deleted because obviously it received a lot of backlash. I think I respect Adele even more knowing that she left it up and said F off to the Jamaican haters. First of all, this is the most direct and obvious “I’ve lost probably 100 lbs and my body is in the best shape of it’s life” flex. Girl posted a bikini shot with a side of a casual “missing this event” caption. It’s like when someone posts a bikini shot in February and is like MISS THE SUMMER. THIRST TRAP CITY. Except that Adele’s version of a thirst trap also includes some questionably cultural appropriation hair knots. People were mad online about this Jamaican themed Adele. How dare she be white and dress like this?! And I’m like how dare her stomach be this flat?! Like this comes right back to the fact that she’s probably on a VERY strict diet and I ate a hamburger with an egg and cheese on top of it last night so this level of fit is completely out of reach for me. Anyway, you don’t have a Jamaican headline without Hanx’s son Chet poppin out of nowhere to pipe up. You may not know Chet, as he is only famous for being Tom Hanks’ wayward son, but let me refresh you on some of his work:

As a resident whitey offending the Jamaicans, he has responded…

Listen, at this point I’m thoroughly enjoying this. This is one of the more ridiculous things I’ve blogged and I feel great about it. We needed a break from the babies before I became a full-blown mommy blogger and this is EXACTLY the break we needed. Adele just wanted to show everyone how she’s lost weight virtually everywhere but her knockers and shout out her Jamaican buds in a tasteful fashion forward move and now she’s poked the bear. The bear being Chet the Jamaican clown who I can assure you embarrasses Tom Hanks by his existence. Like think about how wholesome and Dad-like Tom Hanks is. When someone tells an off-color or mildly offensive joke at an awards show, this is his reaction:

hanx

WHAT IS HIS REACTION WHEN HE LISTENS TO HIS SON SPEAK IN A JAMAICAN ACCENT?! Need to know. Until then, FEEL THE RHTHYM, FEEL THE RHYME…

4. Back to Babies.

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Me…and my two favorite guys 💙💙

A post shared by Emma Roberts (@emmaroberts) on

Again, you know how I feel about all of the baby news as of late but that’s not going to stop me from reporting it. When a celeb gets knocked up, you’ll hear it from The Salty Ju and that’s for damn tootin. ESPECIALLY when it’s a good ole fashioned oops baby. Last week we talked about Zayn and Gigi’s oopsie, this week it’s Emma Roberts and Garrett Hedlund. These two have been dating for about a year and a half and the People article that I read announcing the pregnancy said a “source said they were keeping it casual and just having fun.” Nothing casual about a baby! Welcome to the real deal, folks! PS, related but not really related…Emma previously made headlines for being in a toxic relashe with Evan Peters and being engaged. Their dirty laundry was getting aired with their several breakups and then Evan Peters went on to date Halsey (perhaps he has a thing for the complicated ladies?) but either way, you can’t believe everything you hear and yet I don’t think it comes out of thin air either. Jus sayin…

5. Channing Does Children’s Books.

We get it, Chan. You can do it all. You’ve got the dancing, acting, sense of humor, buff body and now you’re just an adorable girl dad who wrote a freaking book called Sparkella. Yawn. You’re just the perfect beef sammy catch, dad of the year. I mean seriously is this picture just designed for panting single (or maybe not single but v. sex deprived) moms? “Here’s what I’m thinking guys, I do dress up like I’m a 6 year old girl, but then I also make sure everyone has a clear shot of my ‘ceps and pecs.” SOLD. As someone who has just written a book (like I wrote all of the words on my own and didn’t work with an illustrator to fill pages with pictures) and have seen how it’s virtually impossible to get a book published excuse me if I’m a little bitter that a celebrity got bored and was like Ho-Hum guess I’ll just write a book and then everyone will buy it immediately because I’m hot and famous. As I send a text to my sister asking if she’ll take a topless pic of me to promote my book… Can’t hurt, right?

BONUS: Just doing my civic duty, keeping you up to date on the comings and goings of the rap music video world. And Present Day Justin Bieber playing Past Life Justin Bieber. Self awareness is key in H’wood. Couldn’t tell you who is more annoying in this music video, JB or DJ ANOTHA ONE Khaled. Tough call.

And more importantly, my biggest accomplishment of not only the summer but probably my life…becoming a biker that shouts ON YOUR LEFT to get idiot people out of my way. It was a huge step for me and took about 5 different people sneering at me or telling me I “needed to speak up” when biking out in the wild. So now I scream it at the top of my lungs and scare everyone off of the path. ASK AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE.

@thesaltyju

My full transformation into Lance Armstrong this summer in quarantine. #probiker #bikeseason #onyourleft #beachcruiser #Spooktember

♬ original sound – thesaltyju
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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 2/4/19

1. Biebz Waited for Marriage.

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The “Newlyweds” who got married in a court house and can’t seem to set a date for their party with all of their squad to celebrate, got a nice lil Vogue spread divulging some juicy deets and a whole lot of matching outfits. Shot by Annie Leibovitz (Classic), here’s a bunch of pictures of the two of them being young and famous and tattooed in matching separates.

vogueshootBiebz-HaileyBejeweledHaileyjustinhailey-voguepolkadotcouple

In addition to these lovely pics, the interview revealed that JB went celibate prior to getting engaged, to feel closer to his homie, God, and to figure out some shit because he was poppin xannie’s & banging strange for quite a while. Long story short, they got married at a court house five minutes after they got engaged because they were “waiting until marriage” to have sex. Which is laugh out loud funny. No one even knew they were dating, he was back on that Selena grind for a while then suddenly he’s engaged and gets married because he needs that good good (sober, hopefully.) But seriously though, this is a real quote from JB himself, “[God] doesn’t ask us not to have sex for him because he wants rules and stuff…” Spoken like a true poet. He believes God rewarded him with Hailey after he stopped slutting it up. Other revelations: church brought them back together (in case that wasn’t clear already), he calls her his baby boo, oh, and … “The thing is, marriage is very hard,” says Hailey. “That is the sentence you should lead with. It’s really effing hard.” GUD LUCK GUYZ!!! KByyyyyeeeeEeeeEeeeEe.

(If you want to read the full interview and find out about how Haley and JB were “homies” at first plus hear the deets on Justin’s Britney-esque meltdown, click HERE!)

2. J.Law is Engaged.

jlawengaged

Hollywood’s favorite relatable goofy chick has apparently gotten engaged and I didn’t even know she was dating anyone. Last I heard she was banging her director twice her age and it was feeling a little creepy, even if it wasn’t #MeToo era. Her engagement was such a shock, in fact, that when the boyf tried to scoop us on the celeb news, we berated him that it wasn’t People.com official yet. Well, it became People official and literally no one knows who this jabroni is. His name is Cooke, he’s a BFD in the art world and they’ve been dating like 6 months. It’s almost like none of these celebrities read my blog because if they did, they’d see THAT THESE IMMEDIATE ENGAGEMENTS WILL NOT LAST. AM I SCReAmING inTO A VOID?! DID ANYONE LEARN ANYTHING FROM PETE & ARI?!

3. Everyone Hates the Grammys This Year.

Speaking of Ari, she’s not going to be in attendance at the Grammys this year because the producers did her dirty. And then lied about it. So she’s thank u, nexting the Grammys. SUPER dumb move by the producers here because she released two albums in one year of nothin but the hitz and also created my favorite phrase to annoy my boyfriend with when I want him to stop talking about something. Doesn’t get much bigger than that. And now we can’t even see her do a sassy live performance. ON TOP of that, Taylor isn’t coming either. And was nominated for like 1 Grammy and it’s not even Album of the Year. Did anyone hear Reputation? DID THEY NOT SEE THAT SHE’S BACK AND SHE’S A BADD BITCH NOW?! I mean honestly, the snub alone is enough to make me not want to watch. And now I learn that no one is coming OR performing. The Grammys better woo me back QUICK or I’m boycotting. (Red Carpet will still be posted promptly at 9am the next morning.)

4. The Gays Love Each Other Too.

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It’s finally time for a gay rom com! I feel weird about the fact that it’s 2019 and this is now just happening. Either way, Billy Eichner has been tapped as the lead and Judd Apatow will produce, so you know it’ll be entertaining AND disgusting. I feel like my sister and I willed this into existence because just last weekend we were talking about how Jonathan Bennett (Aaron Samuels) is the lead in basically every Hally or Lifetime flick and we have a hard time believing in the love story every single time because he’s flamingly gay. We were really rooting for him to get his own gay rom com on Hallmark, but this works too. You’re welcome, everyone.

5. Party of Five Reboot, Deportation Style.

NIKO GUARDADO, BRANDON LARRACUENTE, ELLE PARIS LEGASPI, EMILY TOSTA

My first year out of college, instead of looking for an apartment or like creating my own adulthood independence, I lived at home with my parents and watched the entire series of Party of Five bootleg style on my laptop in my bedroom with the door closed. I basically regressed to being 13. To the point where my mom gently suggested to me to join a gym and try and make some friends. And I probably replied, The Salingers ARE MY FRIENDS, MOM. GAWD. Because they were. I binged this series in a few months and pretended it was still the 90’s. So naturally, when I saw a clickbait headline about them bringing it back I nearly slobbered all over my keyboard to get to it. WHAT a letdown. This is not a reboot or a reunion. I won’t get to see my old pals Charlie, Bailey, Julia, Claudia and Owen as adults. Instead, it’s a Freeform series that’s about a family of five children whose parents get deported. WUT. How is that the same as your parents dying in a car crash tho? Mr. and Mrs. Salinger are ROLLING in their grave at this association. Don’t ride on Po5’s coattails. Just say you have a new show without bringing visions of an age-defying Scott Wolf coming back into my life.

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Play us out…

 

BONUS: Just for laughs…

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Not included in the headline but important to point out, she’s also never seen him or facetimed with him. Love story for the ages. Or for next season on Catfish. Either way, either way’s fine.

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Music, Television

AMA’s Recap 2017

I often like to milk two blogs out of awards shows and even though barely anyone reads these recaps, I laugh at myself while writing them, and that’s truly what is most important. Here’s the top five things to take away from last night’s AMA’s, which packed a lot of good performances into an awards show that gives out fake awards to whoever shows up, basically.

1. Selena is OV-ER-RATED, clap, clap, clapclapclap.

Everyone was buzzing about her performance because she’s made it VERY WELL KNOWN that it was her only live performance of this year due to GETTING A NEW KIDNEY and everything. Well, it sucked. Real hard. She basically came onstage just to writhe around a car in a white nightie, covered in fake blood. Girl didn’t even attempt to lip sync. At one point I’m pretty sure she fell asleep on top of said car. If she didn’t, then I sure as hell did because it was a REAL snooze. Also, can everyone stop associating her Lupus/kidney surgery with everything that she does? She’s recovered. It’s not like she walked out of the hospital to give this performance and couldn’t dance too hard or else risk popping stitches. Chill on it. Notably absent from cheering her on, though? Biebs. He seems like a super supportive BF.

2.  Xtina is dead. Haven’t seen ole Xtina in a while (apparently people have forgotten how her last name is pronounced) and suddenly she’s doing a Whitney tribute and the only reason I knew it was really her was because she held her ear and waved her hand up and down when she did vocal riffs. Otherwise, who is this woman with Kylie Jenner lips and how did she get the honor of singing a Whit medley?

christinaxtina

Since we now know that it really was her…and that People is crediting “natural makeup” for her completely transformed face, it would be wrong of me to say that she didn’t crush it because she has a powerhouse voice. Even if Pink DID give her stank face. (lolzzzzzz firing up an old Lady Marmalade feud, what The Salty Ju does best)

Pink shocked face AMAs Credit: ABC

3. Pink makes acrobats cool again. SPEAKING OF PINK, as soon as I heard “and Pink will be making history with a performance from the sky”, I audibly groaned. You guys KNOW how much I hated the played out ribbons performance. It’s like for 3 years that’s all she knew how to do at awards shows. Well I bit my tongue real quick because what followed was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. I mean she literally went face down off the side of a building while performing. I was getting naush just looking at it, so you have to be another level of badass to be like yup I’m staring at the ground 500 ft away from me and just crushing choreography and singing. She won the night and that’s pretty obvious.

4. Ashlee Simpson is back. 

ross fam

The Ross family was a focal point of the evening as Tracee Ellis Ross hosted and Diana Ross received a “you’re still alive and killin it” award, so obviously I was all about seeing how former punk rock princess Ashlee fit into this family dynamic. Turns out, her and that beautiful specimen Evan created one of the most adorable babies on this earth. During Diana’s performance the camera panned to her singing along and just living her damn life as a famous toddler. But then, as soon as she was pulled onstage at the end, she froze and pooped her diaper. Ashlee quickly turned into a stage mom dancing off to the side to get her kid to perform for the cameras and it was a real failure.

What a whirlwind of emotions it was keeping up with that family though. Props to her grandson who not only showed off his best dance moves right in Jagger’s grillpiece (stage fright doesn’t extend to all of the Ross children) but also jacked the mic to tell his grandma that he’s so proud and go off script giving every producer of this show a G-D heart attack. You da real MVP.

ross

5. WHO IS BTS? 

BTS

I legitimately had to google BTS after they flashed the camera to a bunch of Asians with the same haircut over and over again. The internet said these guys came out with their first single in 2013. TWO THOUSAND THIRTEEN?! I graduated college then. THAT WAS A LONG ASS TIME AGO. And they’re supposedly famous?! You shut your whore mouth. I patiently waited for them to take the stage to see what it is that they offered that would make them “mega international superstars.” Wanna know what they did? They had robot auto tune voices (I’m assuming this music was created in a studio just with a computer) that sang in a different language, and these matching mushroom cut boys danced to it. That was it. Girls knew the words and were legit in TEARS over this performance. WHAT AM I MISSING HERE?! WHAT HAS THIS WORLD COME TO?!

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 10/30/17

1. Every week is Taylor week.

It’s such an obnoxious move on her part to release something new every single week until this album drops and I’ll be the first to say I’m getting a little annoyed. Just drop the damn album all at once if you’re going to release every single song week by week. But anyway, I’m down with this little love song. Cause in case you didn’t hear, Taylor’s in love. And she doesn’t need to flaunt it around. Unless she’s writing a song about it. Or like, doing very public dates with Tom Hiddleston (which I still think was all bullshit but that’s neither here nor there.) Anyway, she’s real up front about being chill as hell now: “All the liars are calling me one
Nobody’s heard from me for months
I’m doing better than I ever was, ’cause”

CAUSE SHE’S IN LOOOOOOOOVE.

So… if ya’ll are keeping track, I’m pro: Look what you made me do, Ready for it & Call it what you want. I’m NO: Gorgeous. Next week all this nonsense is over and we’ll have the full album, so you best be expecting a track by track (of the four songs we haven’t heard yet) recap and that seems prettttyyy obvious.

2. Selenas back on that Biebs grind.

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Never to be upstaged by TayTay, Selena has created a whirlwind of press for herself this week, which can only mean something is on the horizon. Her and the Weeknd are dunzo (he unfollowed her and her whole fam on Instagram…so it’s official) and all of the sudden it’s 2013 again and Selena’s back on that Bieber D. Are they actually getting back together? Probz not. Are they flaunting their hangouts T.Hiddleswift style for publicity? Most definitely.  They went to church, rode bikes around town, she’s wearing his jersey. I mean come on. All I’m saying is stay woke on the Jelena reunion.

selena jersey

3. Lion King.

lionking

This casually drops the other night and it’s a LOADED cast. It’s good to know that one thing we can all agree on is that Mufasa will be NONE other than James Earl Jones. It’s cool to toss this photo out there for buzz and all but like could we get a little more info? Is this a broadway play? Are they just voicing a new animation? What’s the deal here, Lion King? I need to know if I’m going to be outraged or not. Is it another one of those stupid things where they play the movie and these actors dub over the voices live? I NEED ANSWERS.

4. BB Boy Decker.

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Baby Decker number 3 is a ….

A post shared by Jessie James Decker (@jessiejamesdecker) on

Since I watch their reality show and stalk them on social media, I’m personally a part of the Decker family, and this is big news. Viv is PISSED to get another brother. She tried to deflect by making it seem like she was concerned for the balloons but there was no hiding that look of disappointment on her little mug. Guess they’ll just have to go for 4 and hope it evens out. (Shouldn’t be an issue considering how much these two bone and how quickly she gets knocked up.)

5. Lady Liberty is down!

This is only funny because we know that Wendy is AOK and was back to tossin out HOW YOU DOOOOINNN’s after a quick commercial break. I’ve watched this video no less than 100 times and that’s not a normal faint. That’s an “I’ve seen some stuff” look on her face and I will not accept any other theory besides there was a ghost in her audience. That costume doesn’t look that hot, just sayin. I’ll be the truther here and wait for the real story. Until then, I’ll keep watching and laughing out loud. PS – if you like people in costume eating shit videos as much as I do, here’s one of my faves. Go crazy.

 

BONUS:

Ya boy Chan filled in for Jimmy Kimmel this week and we got to see why we love him so much. Let his smooth moves and goofy ass humor take you into the weekend.

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Music, Playlist

Summer Palooza 2k17

Summer solstice has occurred and you KNOW what time it is. Three cheers for the return of SUMMAH PALOOOOOOOZA. And in great news, this year’s version didn’t start a fight between my sister and I. We are hashtag blessed that making this mix didn’t create a family divide for once* and the best season of the year may begin now. (*We’ll be sick of this mix in roughly 10 days)

I’m the One-Dj Khaled ft. Justin Bieber, Chance the Rapper, Lil Wayne. As much as it pains me to kick off arguably the most awaited mix of the year with this buffoon DJ Khaled…it’s a bangpiece of a song and that beat just screams summer and drinking. I’m willing to overlook the girl riding a horse with her tits bouncing all over town in the music video, the fact that Lil Wayne rhymed record with record three times and DJ Khaled calling himself a rapper when all he does is shout WE THE BEST and ANOTHA ONE. All for a good summer jam.

djkhaled

PS Sick purple outfit, bruh. NAHT.

Craving You – Thomas Rhett ft. Maren Morris. We will politely ignore the fact that Maren is on this song in any capacity and just groove to TR like nobody’s biz. Hey Maren, why don’t you writhe all over Keith Urban again in your hot pants and bralette onstage? PEOPLE DON’T FORGET.

Cut To The Feeling – Carly Rae Jepsen. Didn’t give our girl Carly a second thought since Call Me Maybe because to be honest, when you start out the gate with the most epic song on this planet, there’s no way you can ever top yourself. But I guess she’s back and she’s feeling the 80’s real hard so here’s this Breakfast Club beat that will never be as good as her first single.

Body Like A Back Road – Sam Hunt. This song is kind of old and a little overplayed but bonus points for it not having Sam’s weird talk/rapping in it and also triple bonus points because he’s gonna take it real slow on my curves. I mean, whoever’s curves he’s singing about. #sexstuff

Galway Girl – Ed Sheeran. SHE PLAYED THE FIDDLE IN AN IRISH BAND! It’s quite literally impossible not to feel happy when you hear this song. It immediately makes me want to do a car bomb and break into a joyous jig. It’s the song of forever, not just the summer.

Another Love Song – Ne-Yo. Hey what happened to Ne-Yo? Jason Derulo pretty much jacked his schtick but guess what…Jason disappointed us this year with some pretty garbage music lately so Ne-Yo is swooping back in to claim his R&Bizzle throne.

No Such Thing as a Broken Heart – Old Dominion. How many songs reference Jack and Diane as if they’re real human beings? I wonder if John Mellencamp gets resids every time they do. That’d be clutch. Either way, here’s some more country because it’s finally warm enough to listen to country and not be depressed AF. Also it’s a song with a nice message and it’s not just about drinking beer and fishing.

Despacito – Luis Fonsi, Daddy Yankee ft. Justin Bieber. I fought real hard for this number to make the cut because even though it’s 90% not in my language, it just makes me want to move my hips and I’m not sorry bout it. Shouts to JBiebz for getting two songs on Summer Palooza and also making this acceptable for American radio play with his spanglish ramblings.

Sleep Without You – Brett Young. Technically this came out a billion years ago but Brett is a real babe soda and he just wants to snuggle with a lady after she goes clubbin with her lady friends. Can’t knock a guy who lets you do your own thing and just waits for you to come home and spoon him. Actually now that I’ve typed that out he kinda sounds like a loser. But whatevs, the intentions are adorbs.

brettyoung

Remember I Told You – Nick Jonas feat. Anne-Marie & Mike Posner. We were trying to be like the youths by adding this song. I was thinking it appealed to the college aged kids but when I listened to it for a little inspiration for this description my sister’s newborn baby started cooing along to the beat. No joke. So I guess hotter Jonas appeals to ALL ages.

No Promises – Cheat Codes ft. Demi Lovato. This song is caaatchyyyyy AF. Also it created quite a stir in the news because Demi decided to rock some dreads in the video. Hey Demi, act like you’ve been famous before–everyone knows that whites with dreads offends the world. Run a brush through ya hair.

dreads

Hopin’ You Were Lookin’ – Rascal Flatts. Rascal Flatts continues to prove that three middle aged guys who can’t sing for shit can work some real magic in the studio and release bangerz every year. I wish I could snake it that hard to be rich. I put out a banging summer playlist every year and what do I get? NOTHIN I TELL YA.

There’s Nothing Holdin’ Me Back – Shawn Mendes. Teen dream Shawn made it on b2b summer palooza’s so you know he’s legit. Honestly he could sing about farting and I would listen to it all day erreday. I just laughed out loud at the word farting. Because I’m about as mature as his preteen fans, so really it all adds up.

Give Love – Andy Grammer feat. LunchMoney Lewis. Shouts to Andy for tossing a little work at LunchMoney. We haven’t heard from him since he sang about the bills he had to pay while sitting on the can, and it looks like he got himself into shape. Just kidding. He’s still 1000 pounds. Andy still kills it at pop-tastic singles. Three cheers for consistency.

lunchmoney

She’s With Me – High Valley. This is the part of searching for new songs for three weeks where my sister and I pull songs out of our asses and decide that they’re summer palooza worthy just because we’re desp. Either way, it’s SUPRISINGLY UPBEAT!

Strip That Down – Liam Payne Ft. Quavo. Truth bomb: Liam’s single is the worst one from all the 1D solo breakouts plus he shits all over the group and said he hates Harry’s music. (The disrespect is REAL.) Regardless, can’t deny that this beat makes you wanna wiggle. So ignore the “I’m so much cooler than 1D” lyrics and drop it low.

Love Someone – Brett Eldredge. Can’t have summer without a new Brett jam. He’s been crushing it lately with fresh music and I’m all in on watching him serenade his pup on Snapchat every damn day until the end of time.

White Houses – Vanessa Carlton. The season cannot begin nor end without ‘Ness singing about sweaty *consensual* first times in the back of a car. (I copied and pasted this from Summer Palooza 2k16…because this song never changes. Sue me. I dare you.)

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Music, Television

AMA’s 2016 Recap

Since the AMA’s were surprisingly dece, here’s a quick 5 point highlight reel of the show–a conversational piece for your Monday morning at work. (If you happen to work with teenagers.)

1. I’ve had enough visuals to last a lifetime from the song Side to Side.

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I get that Ariana is 23 and old enough to be singing about sex but she still looks like she’s 12 and frankly it gives me all of the uncomfies to watch her simulate this onstage. After this performance and grinding line I was waiting for someone’s bracelet to get snipped and for them to get tossed from the stage ala high school dance grinding rules. Pat on the back that my bracelet was never cut because chaperones can’t get to you if you’re in the middle of the mosh, so HA.

2. Chainsmoker #2 really embracing being the dad of the group.

chainsmokers

It sucks to not be the hot one but respect to #2 for driving that point home with his Guy Fieri sunburst shirt and also having a complete stroke onstage while accepting their award. YIKES.

3. Drake <3’s Taylor.

OMG they both did Apple Music commercials with each other’s songs in it, THEY’RE TOTALLY DATING. But seriously, this would’ve been funnier if it was a slow song like All Too Well. Either way, I can appreciate it and also the fact that Meek Mill has been buried for like a solid year and Drake is still stomping on his grave every chance he gets. The last minute “WATCH HOW YOU SPEAK ON MY NAME” was killer. Would’ve been more killer with a camera pan to Nicki Minaj.

4. What a Taylor Swift-less audience looks like.

Without our girl to sway and toss those seaweed arms into the air, I noticed that we got a lot of glances at random pre-teens singing along and middle aged men dancing like no one was watching. We were all watching. My first piece of advice to anyone in a crowd where there might be a camera ever, is if you’re not 100% confident you have the right words, do not sing. Sure this girl wide mouth singing a bunch of random words made me laugh out loud but also now it’s caught on camera forever and I spent about 20 minutes this morning making a gif of it. (This also made me late for work…priorities.) Selena also stepped into the spotlight for a much-needed Sting clap break. Because Message in a Bottle NEVER gets old.

5a. DO NOT go to a Justin Bieber concert unless you need a good cry.

Holy crap, Beliebers. IT WAS AN UPBEAT SONG. Stop the tears! Gonna be honest, Let Me Love You is one of the few JB songs that I can get down with  and these sobbing little bitches really killed my vibe. Maybe they’re crying because Justin yelled at them all again for screaming during his concert? That’s the only explanation.

5b. What is this microphone.

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I know that I said I would only list five things but I lied because I want to yap about the fact that Lady Gaga had a totes emotional slow song performance but all I could focus on was the fact that this MASSIVE headset’s mic was basically inside of her throat as she sang. Since I work in the biz (barely) I know that there are much more discreet mics that still pick up the same amount of sound so choosing this one for a televised awards show is a real weird move. Was anticipating a mid-high note choke but she made it through like a champ.

BONUS: The fact that I specifically googled both Shawn and Niall’s ages before adding this in for a little BTS swoon sesh says everything about how much of a creep I am. For the record, Shawn is 18 and Niall is 23 so IT’S TOTALLY FINE TO BE ATTRACTED TO THIS, GIRLS.

 

 

 

 

 

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Uncategorized

Weekly JUice

Week of 8/15/16

1. What Would Ryan Lochte Do? Lie about being robbed at the Olympics, apparently. It’s a real shame his reality show got cancelled because ratings would have soared through the roof for this shit.

lochte

Ryan Lochte, the bro who showed up with frosted hair, wore grillz at his gold medal ceremony and trademarked the catchphrase “Jeah”, claims he was robbed at gunpoint and when the robber told him to get on the ground he turned into Duane, otherwise known as Kimmy Gibbler’s hamlet and cheese.

duane

Then he skipped on outta Rio with his lady friend. Not so fast, RyRy because it seems like you messed with the wrong corrupt country. Rio smelled a rat and yanked Lochte’s swimming  buddies off their plane to question them. Can you imagine having to be a sidekick to Ryan Lochte and then ON TOP OF THAT, getting held back in a country that had dead bodies washing up on the shores just because you had a few too many beers and decided to go along with your drunk friend’s dumb story?! The real events have finally surfaced today and it entails drunk bros vandalizing a gas station bathroom. So it turns out Lochte was just getting in front of the story. What looks really bad? Headlines about American Olympians (some might say heroes) going on a boozy tirade at a gas station. What looks really good? Them getting robbed at gunpoint and surviving. Round of applause for that spin zone, Ryan. You really sold it AKA you created a conflict between Rio and the US, made your buddies pay to leave the country and now look like an even bigger doofus than you did before.

grillz PS If you & your boys wear Yeezy’s out on the town in Rio and brag about it on social media, you 100% deserve to be robbed at gunpoint forrealz.
lochte yeezy

Double PS, my very last final in college (shout-out to Olympics class) was the question “What is Ryan Lochte’s catchphrase?” So not to brag but I have a college degree AND I once bubbled in “C: Jeah” for an actual grade. This seemed like a fitting time to toss that story into the mix, because it’s embarrassing, but not quite as humiliating as making up a crime and creating an international incident over it.

2. Whatever, Simone Biles.

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😘🌹

A post shared by Simone Biles (@simonebiles) on

I mean the minute this bid started yapping about how much she LOVED Zac Efron and had a fullsize cutout of him (creep, much?) I was like yeah some talk show is going to cash in on having them meet. I didn’t think they would fly Zac out to the actual Olympics, but whatever. Hey Simone, you just won a bajillion gold medals…LEAVE SOME FOR THE REST OF US. Ugh, whatever. Not bitter or anything. But like seriously? The video is pushing it. We get it. You guys kissed a lot for Instagram. Call me when he sticks his tongue down your throat.

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on cloud 9 💙☁️ @zacefron

A post shared by Simone Biles (@simonebiles) on

3. Biebz is off the grid. I’ve been saying it ever since Biebs went in on fans taking his picture and strolled barefoot around the Boston Common…pop your popcorn because he’s on the fast track to a Britney/Lohan/Amanda Bynes worthy meltdown. It always starts with the fame-hating and spirals from there. Some take it to head-shaving levels, others tweet about Drake murdering their vag. To each his own. It seems as though we’ve got a classic case of everyone stop judging my life and I for one can’t wait to see where this goes.

To catch up anyone who doesn’t follow tween drama–Biebs has been whoring out Lionel Ritchie’s daughter, Sophie (who is basically Kylie Jenner 2.0) and he’s getting pretty sad panda that no one wants to see his latest bae vomited all over InstaG. So he threatened to delete and that’s when Selena hopped in to be like hey guess what no one wants to see your bang buddies, stop being so dramats, your fans love you. Obviously there was some bickering via Instagram comments. Justin replied with, you used me for fame (no disrespect) and there were some cheating allegations tossed back and forth. Realistically this part was like watching your trashy high school friends air their dirty laundry on a facebook status and everyone weighing in on it. It was entertaining for like 3 minutes then we all decided to go out and live our lives. Then Biebs deleted his Insta and Selena’s all:

selenasnapchat

(Cue the Selena H8) WHOA. THE THREATS WERE REAL. BIEBS IS OUT. No more pics of his hoes in different area codes for us! WHAT WILL WE DO WITHOUT THEM?! Rejoice in the fact that we’re one step closer to a Bieber Meltdown, THAT’S WHAT WE’LL DO.

4. Can Ryan Cabrera replace Biebs?

As one of the OG boytoys with spiky hair, I’d much prefer to have Ryan back on the scene and Biebs off. This song sounds kinda like something JB would drop, except I actually like Ryan, so I will listen to this on repeat for the rest of the month and hope that once he gets off his My2K tour, he’s back in our lives for good. Bonus points: this island beat makes me believe summer will last forever. HORNZ ON HORNZ. CLICK HERE TO LISTEN TO FULL SONG.

5. The ChadBear will do more than shit his pants on TV. 

chadbear

I guess Chad didn’t want his lasting legacy to be taking a dump directly in his shorts on Bachelor in Paradise, so somehow he’s secured a cameo on the upcoming ABC Family sensational hit: Ben & Lauren: Happily Ever After. Does it make any sense? Of course not, and there you have the reasoning behind every paid appearance from a Bachelor(ette) alum, ever. Probably one of the smartest PR moves to be made though. That show was a shoe-in to be a dud and now that people hear Chad’s name associated with it, it will be appointment television. I’m already locked in to see what will go down. Call me a sucker for Chad, I don’t care, I’m all in–especially considering the only time Ben and Chad have ever been brought up in the same sentence was this:

chadhatesben

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Music, Television

Grammy’s 2016 Recap

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I’m not really sure when it was exactly that the Grammy’s turned into one giant tribute but it was so aggressive that I actually questioned if it was the Eagles playing their own songs or someone covering the Eagles in honor of Glenn. (Clearly I don’t know my classic rock bands.) They even tossed in a Lionel Richie tribute while he WATCHED front row. Hey…Lionel’s alive! And able to come onstage…let’s cool it with the memorial for his music. Anyway, here are the highs and lows of last night’s 5 hour situation.

NO:

-LL Cool J is the host and I forgot that he hosts every year and it’s the worst moment of my life realizing I have to watch that Kangol speak and probably say “knock ‘em out L, KNOCK EM OUTTTTTT.” At one point he tells everyone to hit him up on Instagram. Ok, L.

-Everyone in Taylor’s squad RSVP’ed “maybe”? The only one who showed up was Selena. What a lame turnout. Related side note: they really cut back on audience cams of Taylor dancing. What gives, CBS? (Thanks for pointing out this super embarrassing handshake of hers though…)

-Legitimate question, do you think Selena cried every time Tay won because she knows she’ll never win a Grammy with her garbage can pop hits and skanky vids? (Or was she just trying to fill the BFF and boyfriend void because apparently no one could make it?) Just wondering.

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-Turns out I didn’t know any songs by Lionel Richie but seriously how nerve-wracking is that to perform his hits with him judging in the front row? Luke stuck out like a sore thumb trying his hand at easy listening (and NOT shaking his ass), and Lionel literally had to get up there and be like k, move aside dipshits, I got this.

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-Gwen Stefani got paid a bajillion doll hairs by Target to do a “live music video” commercial where she used a lot of body doubles and didn’t fall down rollerskating SO WHAT’S THE FUN IN THAT?

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-Hamilton the musical gets a sideshow performance from NYC. I hate to sound like an uncultured a-hole, but leave the musicals for the Tony’s. I’m not down with sneaking theater into the mix like I won’t even notice. I NOTICED.

-Gaga dresses like Bowie and lets spiders crawl over her face via green screen. YAY nightmares. (PS this is totes a performance dads would like, as in my dad, because he wouldn’t let me talk trash about Gaga during the SuperBowl and also he’s old and therefore liked David Bowie.)

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– A 12 year old plays the piano while Common and the old white guy who’s at every awards show bop along awkwardly. This could have been a metaphor for the entire evening.

-Biebz Part 2 with Skrillex & Diplo was roughsicles. I commend them for kicking things up a notch with a little percussion but pitch-wise it was terrible. Even worse? We didn’t get one reaction from Selena. I will personally hitch a camera on my shoulder and film the audience next year if that’s what it takes to create a little drama at the Grammys.

-Hey guys, Johnny Depp’s in a band now with Alice Cooper and they’re tearing it up old guy style with a lot of eyeliner. It was embarrassing and weird and I could’ve done without it. #WhenDadJokesTurnIntoDadBands

(L-R) Johnny Depp, Duff McKagan, Alice Cooper and Joe Perry of the band Hollywood Vampires perform “As Bad As I Am” during the 58th Grammy Awards in Los Angeles, California February 15, 2016. REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni

-Pitbull closes out the night with Sofia Vergara dancing as a boxed taxi and Robin Thicke trying REAL hard to make a comeback. Oh and Keith Richards played guitar. DALE?! (My next door neighbor’s 6th birthday party was car themed and everyone had to wear a box car and visor around his backyard all afternoon. What’s your excuse, Sofia?)

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YES:

-Taylor opened with “Out of the Woods” and the most entertaining part was when she strutted through the crowd (catwalk style, obviously) and no one knew what to do. Clap, guys. Applaud her jazz hand theatrics.

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Ladies & Gentlemen, please welcome to the 1989 Stage…THE GRAMMYS!

-My dad may have created “Bye Felicia” but I have diamonds!!!!

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-Carrie Underwood threw a curveball and let her vag hang out onstage for a steamy performance with Sam Hunt.

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-Ariana Grande introduced the Weeknd and apparently thought she was auditioning for a one-woman variety show on Nick. No one laughed, which in turn, made me laugh a lot.

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-Demi bringing down the house with a cover of Hello and the sexiest biz casj I ever did see.

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-Stevie Wonder’s sparkle shirt with camo jacket and NEON gym sneaks. I spent too much time while he sang with Pentatonix wondering if he was trolling us because no seeing person would purposefully dress themselves like that BUT THEN he bullied everyone for not being able to read Braille. WHAT A BUNCH OF IDIOTS WHO CAN SEE HAHA. YOU’RE ALL SUCKERS WHO HAVE EYES THAT FUNCTION. Keep doin you, Stevie.

-James Bay and Tori Kelly duet a mash up of “Hollow” and “Let it Go” and it’s buttery smooth. It would be kewl if I could hire them to sing me a lullaby every night before bed.

-Kendrick Lamar does a little ditty about black injustices complete with prison bars, shackles, & a large fire that scares all the white people in the crowd. It was probably the most entertaining thing of the night to see 0.0 white crowd reactions. (Especially so hot off the heels of everyone realizing that Beyonce is black.)

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-It sounded like the Biebz might have been slangin some voice lessons when he did “Love Yourself” acoustic in a jacket he borrowed from Sammi Sweetheart. Then he promptly smashed his guitar and it was an omen for the remainder of the performance. #BadBoyLife

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-1989 wins album of the year and Taylor takes a big giant dump on Kanye’s face.

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YEAH THAT’S RIGHT. BURN CITY: Population, KANYE.

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