Music, Playlist

Pump It Up Playlist

It’s been a hot minute since I’ve forced a weird / random playlist down your throats and I think it’s about damn time we revisit this faaabulous Salty Ju feature. Mostly because I’ve gone back to the gym–if we classify going back to the gym as my annual realization that my pants are suddenly too tight after seasonal depression binge eating, jorts szn is quickly approaching, I should probably get my $10 a month worth of Planet Fitness and also give myself an excuse to buy some new jazzy workout leggings to flex how good I look in athleisure. EITHER WAY, I’ve needed some bangerz to keep me at the gym for more than 15 minutes every few nights and to drown out people like the lady who announced loudly that she goes to the gym twice a day-morning and night.

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Anyway, I spent a whole day of work going through my entire iTunes lib trying to pull songs that I hadn’t heard in a long time that were fast paced. I ended up with a 3 hour playlist. Don’t you even worry, I’ve narrowed it down to bless your ears with only the best of the best. If working out isn’t your thing, I respect that. Pop this bitch on when you’re looking to feel pumped up for anything in life. Going out? Want to have an at home dance party? Get jazzed for a road trip? I gotchu.

The Greatest Show – Cast. This song should kick off every playlist going forward. No joke I wish I was still in college when it came out because it would make a GR8 pregame jam. How can you not instantly be in a great mood when you hear the stomp stomp WHOA-OHH-OH-OHHHHH? I had it as my morning alarm for a while and I shot out of bed ready to take on the day. Also terrified because that’s kind of a jarring way to be pulled out of a deep slumber but I DON’T CARE. GIMME ALL THE CLAP BREAKS. Also the song basically becomes a whole new song when Zac Efron pipes up so 2 for 1 special, you’re welcome.

Stronger – Britney Spears. Let a little OG Britney up in ya ears. I feel like this one sneaks under the radar. Obviously Brit’s school girl uniform and latex red body suit stand out in your memory but let’s not forget how she made a metal chair look sexy in this music video. Chair dance Britney paved the way for snake Slave 4 U Britney and EVERYBODY KNOWS IT.

It’s Still Rock And Roll To Me – Billy Joel. They don’t call him the hitmaker for nothin, folks. Even his sad piano jams put me in a good mood because he’s such a legend. Just selling out stadiums on the reg, tickling the ole ivories. Whatta life.

I Drove All Night -Celine Dion. Even though I can crush It’s All Coming Back to Me Now even better than Celine probably can–I’m talking high notes & passion only, I will literally never get the lyrics down–I can still appreciate Celine’s other bangerz. This one has a powerful message. Celine wanted some, so she drove through the night to get it. And because she’s still a lady, she was like is that alright? OF COURSE IT’S ALRIGHT, GURL. GET AFTER IT.

Days Go By – Keith Urban. Lucky for Keith he has the perfect mix between rock and country because he shreds the guitar, so he basically only puts out fun songs. It was very difficult to choose just one of his so I went with a classic that never gets old. The original version of YOLO, if you will. YA BETTER START LIVIN RIGHT NOW.

Get Buck In Here – DJ Felli Fel Ft. Lil Jon, Ludacris, Diddy & Akon. Look, let’s not beat around the bush here, I’m white. Not like white but can still hang and has a little flavor, like cream cheese white. I look like a real nerdbomber when I try to rap along to songs but you know what? That sure doesn’t stop me from trying. I’ve realized that Luda is essentially the only rapper I can keep up with and I’ve latched onto that real hard. This is where I shine. Right here. I’m like Emma Stone rapping to All I Do Is Win when Get Buck In Here comes on. Plus, like, any song about too much booty speaks to me on a whole other level.

Fighter – Christina Aguilera. Not only did I have a pretty badass dance to this song in middle school for my hip hop class (if you’d like to see my equally as badass camo costume, click here) but also it’s a pretty underrated Xtina song. When it came on the other night I had to physically stop myself from tossing out some Aguilera hands and belting out the riffs. Trying to make fun of the weirdos at the gym, not BE one, amirite?! But if you’re listening to this in the car and you’re not doing Ag-hands then turn it off because you’re not doing it right.

Nobody But Me – Michael Bublé. I’ve always loved Bubz a normal amount from him soundtracking bascially The Wedding Date in it’s entirety and also from just being an adorable little Canadian crooner whose always in a suit. I recently had to learn how to love him extra hard because he’s basically my boyfriend’s number one crush in this world (aside from Tim Tebow) and we went to his comeback tour concert. And let me tell you, whatta guy. He can tell a dirty joke then immediately transition into a full orchestra high-note hitting class act. One of a kind. This was one of his songs I recently discovered and it never fails to get the hips a’movin. It’s the Bub Daddy with a little hip-hop flair.

No Church In the Wild – Jay-Z Ft. Kanye West & Frank Ocean. The beat on this song makes me want to get up and move regardless of if I look like a moron. Plus it was used to show total debauchery in The Great Gatsby, which allows me to remind everyone of a time when I called everyone old sport after that movie came out and I thought it was hilarious. Great times all around, Old Sport. Lastly, I’ve always wanted to post a picture captioned “Sunglasses and Advil. Last night was mad real.” But unfortunately I’m not Kanye West doing lines off of a girl’s skin so it has never been truly justified. Maybe this summer will get crazy. Who knows, Old Sport. Who knows.

Swerve – Florida Georgia Line. These two bozos basically invented the hip hop/country combo deal and they’re still cashing checks on it 5 years later. People are like you guys know you’re not real country right? And they respond by releasing an album titled “Can’t Say I Ain’t Country.” Touché.

Timber – Ke$ha Ft. Pitbull. Although I never condone Pitbull and his ability to make a career off of singing “dalé” in any song he’s featured on, I forgot just how fire flames this song is. When it first came out I almost sprained my ankle dancing around the house to it so you know it’s the real deal. Never thought I’d say this but I miss that dirty bird Ke$ha.

Chasin’ After You – O-Town. Always weary of a boy band comeback, I was pleasantly surprised by this one ESPECIALLY since they ditched their star power, Ashley Parker Angel. Remember that baby face with spiky blonde hair? I gasped when I found out. How could they possibly proceed without him? Well turns out all you really need is a good pop song and it doesn’t really matter who is singing it because I couldn’t name one current member of O-Town if I had to.

Don’t Stop Me Now – Queen. Queen’s on a real hot streak lately ever since the movie that Rami Malek won an Oscar for and didn’t even thank Freddie Mercury, WHO HE PORTRAYED. I’m happy to join the bandwagon. I think I forgot how many Queen songs I knew until I saw the movie and I immediately started cycling their beats back into my regular play. SING IT TO ME, FREDDIE!

 …Ready For It – Taylor Swift. There was no way we were gonna sneak outta here without some TayTay and I hope that I’ve chosen correctly. Just kidding I know that I have because I’ve spent the past year going ARE YOU READY FOR IT in a dumb voice every time I want someone to get pumped up for something. You’re welcome, everyone around me.

Till I Collapse – Eminem & Nate Dogg. I was told by a trustworthy source that a pump up jams playlist CANNOT exist without Till I Collapse. So even though the ONLY words I know in this song are the actual title, I’m very willing to toss around some rapper hands and nod my head intensely as Em & Nate Dogg do their thang.

Breathing – Yellowcard. My emo side peeking in here, I’ve already previously declared my love for Yellowcard and any punk rock band that dares to toss a violinist in the mix. Even though I wore out their concert dvd (lost it), I still need a good head bang every once in a while and Breathing is just the trick.

Get Another Boyfriend – Backstreet Boys. I feel a little guilty that there’s no N*SYNC on this playlist but if we’re being honest, BSB always had a little more street cred and that’s what we needed here. A rough and rowdy tune about a girl being a dumbass.

We Run This – Missy Elliott. Remember the classic flick Stick It about gymnastics? I was obsessed with it in high school. I quoted it preeeetttyy regularly and wanted to dabble in gymnastics just because the lead actress made it look so kewl. This song was featured in the movie and it just makes you want to do a front handspring into a back flip into a split leap then stick the landing. Ya know? For realz though, I used to rock the shit out of a cartwheel and I literally can’t even attempt one without breaking both arms clean off of my body anymore. Same with a back bend. I encourage you to have a glass of wine or two on a Friday night and attempt to do a back bend/bridge on your living room carpet. My family all individually tried this feat and it ended with my mom peeing her pants from laughing so hard. Quality entertainment. Spoiler Alert: *bridges only work if you can lift your own body weight clear off the ground through core strength* Tough stuff, lesson learned.

Sucker – Jonas Brothers. HEYYOOOOO gotta include the JoBro’s comeback. Not because I was ever a JoBro stan but because it’s catchy as hell. I already blogged specifically about this song and their complete destruction of the curly-headed virgins, so no need to be redundant. See my thoughts HERE.

Nice For What – Drake. I don’t have one single clue what these lyrics are. I somewhat gathered that it’s about ladies and female empowerment?! Mostly because the video featured a bunch of famous lady actresses. Also we’re going to gloss right over the fact that Tiffany Haddish, America’s MOST annoying voice (it’s no contest, don’t even try to debate me on this) is featured because this beat is infectious and makes me want to groove like nobody’s biz. Shout out to Lauryn Hill on that one. #Feminism.

Still Into You – Paramore. Another dip into the world where I stacked up my Claire’s rubber bracelets and posed for pics with my dad’s tie over a white beater. Hayley Williams is a classic punk rock chick with neon hair and I LOVE HER! That’s all folks. It’s just a funky song about liking someone a lot.

The Way You Make Me Feel – Michael Jackson. As you’ve come to expect, we only end on high notes here in Salty Ju playlist land. In the dance movie montage blog that I previously linked to for Christina Aguilera’s Fighter, you’ll notice that my top movie is Center Stage and this song is in their final dance which is BOSS. Seriously, if you haven’t seen this dance scene yet, you don’t even need to watch the movie just google it. It’s bananas. I digress, listening to this feel good MJ jam is all you need to feel like you too could become a professional dancer jiving around while a choreographer from the wrong side of the tracks rides his Harley onstage to pick you up. Basic stuff.

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Music, Playlist

Summer Palooza 2k17

Summer solstice has occurred and you KNOW what time it is. Three cheers for the return of SUMMAH PALOOOOOOOZA. And in great news, this year’s version didn’t start a fight between my sister and I. We are hashtag blessed that making this mix didn’t create a family divide for once* and the best season of the year may begin now. (*We’ll be sick of this mix in roughly 10 days)

I’m the One-Dj Khaled ft. Justin Bieber, Chance the Rapper, Lil Wayne. As much as it pains me to kick off arguably the most awaited mix of the year with this buffoon DJ Khaled…it’s a bangpiece of a song and that beat just screams summer and drinking. I’m willing to overlook the girl riding a horse with her tits bouncing all over town in the music video, the fact that Lil Wayne rhymed record with record three times and DJ Khaled calling himself a rapper when all he does is shout WE THE BEST and ANOTHA ONE. All for a good summer jam.

djkhaled

PS Sick purple outfit, bruh. NAHT.

Craving You – Thomas Rhett ft. Maren Morris. We will politely ignore the fact that Maren is on this song in any capacity and just groove to TR like nobody’s biz. Hey Maren, why don’t you writhe all over Keith Urban again in your hot pants and bralette onstage? PEOPLE DON’T FORGET.

Cut To The Feeling – Carly Rae Jepsen. Didn’t give our girl Carly a second thought since Call Me Maybe because to be honest, when you start out the gate with the most epic song on this planet, there’s no way you can ever top yourself. But I guess she’s back and she’s feeling the 80’s real hard so here’s this Breakfast Club beat that will never be as good as her first single.

Body Like A Back Road – Sam Hunt. This song is kind of old and a little overplayed but bonus points for it not having Sam’s weird talk/rapping in it and also triple bonus points because he’s gonna take it real slow on my curves. I mean, whoever’s curves he’s singing about. #sexstuff

Galway Girl – Ed Sheeran. SHE PLAYED THE FIDDLE IN AN IRISH BAND! It’s quite literally impossible not to feel happy when you hear this song. It immediately makes me want to do a car bomb and break into a joyous jig. It’s the song of forever, not just the summer.

Another Love Song – Ne-Yo. Hey what happened to Ne-Yo? Jason Derulo pretty much jacked his schtick but guess what…Jason disappointed us this year with some pretty garbage music lately so Ne-Yo is swooping back in to claim his R&Bizzle throne.

No Such Thing as a Broken Heart – Old Dominion. How many songs reference Jack and Diane as if they’re real human beings? I wonder if John Mellencamp gets resids every time they do. That’d be clutch. Either way, here’s some more country because it’s finally warm enough to listen to country and not be depressed AF. Also it’s a song with a nice message and it’s not just about drinking beer and fishing.

Despacito – Luis Fonsi, Daddy Yankee ft. Justin Bieber. I fought real hard for this number to make the cut because even though it’s 90% not in my language, it just makes me want to move my hips and I’m not sorry bout it. Shouts to JBiebz for getting two songs on Summer Palooza and also making this acceptable for American radio play with his spanglish ramblings.

Sleep Without You – Brett Young. Technically this came out a billion years ago but Brett is a real babe soda and he just wants to snuggle with a lady after she goes clubbin with her lady friends. Can’t knock a guy who lets you do your own thing and just waits for you to come home and spoon him. Actually now that I’ve typed that out he kinda sounds like a loser. But whatevs, the intentions are adorbs.

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Remember I Told You – Nick Jonas feat. Anne-Marie & Mike Posner. We were trying to be like the youths by adding this song. I was thinking it appealed to the college aged kids but when I listened to it for a little inspiration for this description my sister’s newborn baby started cooing along to the beat. No joke. So I guess hotter Jonas appeals to ALL ages.

No Promises – Cheat Codes ft. Demi Lovato. This song is caaatchyyyyy AF. Also it created quite a stir in the news because Demi decided to rock some dreads in the video. Hey Demi, act like you’ve been famous before–everyone knows that whites with dreads offends the world. Run a brush through ya hair.

dreads

Hopin’ You Were Lookin’ – Rascal Flatts. Rascal Flatts continues to prove that three middle aged guys who can’t sing for shit can work some real magic in the studio and release bangerz every year. I wish I could snake it that hard to be rich. I put out a banging summer playlist every year and what do I get? NOTHIN I TELL YA.

There’s Nothing Holdin’ Me Back – Shawn Mendes. Teen dream Shawn made it on b2b summer palooza’s so you know he’s legit. Honestly he could sing about farting and I would listen to it all day erreday. I just laughed out loud at the word farting. Because I’m about as mature as his preteen fans, so really it all adds up.

Give Love – Andy Grammer feat. LunchMoney Lewis. Shouts to Andy for tossing a little work at LunchMoney. We haven’t heard from him since he sang about the bills he had to pay while sitting on the can, and it looks like he got himself into shape. Just kidding. He’s still 1000 pounds. Andy still kills it at pop-tastic singles. Three cheers for consistency.

lunchmoney

She’s With Me – High Valley. This is the part of searching for new songs for three weeks where my sister and I pull songs out of our asses and decide that they’re summer palooza worthy just because we’re desp. Either way, it’s SUPRISINGLY UPBEAT!

Strip That Down – Liam Payne Ft. Quavo. Truth bomb: Liam’s single is the worst one from all the 1D solo breakouts plus he shits all over the group and said he hates Harry’s music. (The disrespect is REAL.) Regardless, can’t deny that this beat makes you wanna wiggle. So ignore the “I’m so much cooler than 1D” lyrics and drop it low.

Love Someone – Brett Eldredge. Can’t have summer without a new Brett jam. He’s been crushing it lately with fresh music and I’m all in on watching him serenade his pup on Snapchat every damn day until the end of time.

White Houses – Vanessa Carlton. The season cannot begin nor end without ‘Ness singing about sweaty *consensual* first times in the back of a car. (I copied and pasted this from Summer Palooza 2k16…because this song never changes. Sue me. I dare you.)

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Music, Playlist

Boy Band Slow Jamz

James Corden had it right when he declared last week that we need boy bands back. Unfortunately he followed up this announcement by joining BSB for a quick rendition of Backstreet’s Back, and proved himself wrong. Seriously, it was a little pitchy, dawgs. James probably sounded the best out of all of them. Anyway, the idea was great, execution not so much. Therefore, I decided to bring back the essence of a good boy band—multi-part harmonies and crooning about makeups and breakups. So let’s sloooow it down, late night radio style with a bunch of dudes singing about their feelings.

All Or Nothing-O-Town. I’m gonna be honest, I kind of forgot about this song until last weekend when a real hero put it on at the bar and suddenly I felt the need to dramatically sing it word for word. Unfortunately, the guy unwelcomely hitting on me at the time didn’t support my impromptu performance and while I was mid-hand symbols for “NOTHING AT ALL”, he shouted that he understood he wasn’t as attractive as other guys and stomped off. Bro really killed what could’ve been the story we told our grand-puppies some day.

I Knew I Loved You-Savage Garden. These pretty boys can always get me teary, they can make even an upbeat song sound sad. But this song really takes the cake, romance up the wazoo declaring they love a girl before they’ve even met her. That’s a real gamble, boys.

I’ll Make Love To You- Boyz II Men. Yeah that’s RIGHT. It’s not only a mix of white pretty boys with coordinated grooves. Sometimes you need a little babymakin music to set the tone. Don’t let go, Boyz II Men. Don’t ever let go.

The Hardest Thing-98 Degrees. What a cocky break up song from the hot ones, here. (98 degrees and HEATING UP) Hey I know I just dumped you and everything, but like, it was really hard on ME. Doubt it.

Still On Your Side-BBMak. This isn’t the slowest of slow jamz, but BBMak deserved a spot amongst the best boy bands. They had fab porcupine hairstyles and would take their girls’ side even when she’s wrong. If that’s not noble AF, I don’t know what is.

When You Look Me in the Eyes- Jonas Brothers. Curveball—never would’ve guessed I would toss these little wieners on a playlist. Also never would’ve guessed that Nick would be the man of my dreams with bangerz on bangerz and Joe would have blue hair and be in a band of misfits with Kevin being demoted to releasing and promoting the DNCE video game app. Let’s LOL at the fact that these curly headed bros were once singing about true love on the Disney channel.

Penny and Me-Hanson. Was it like law that we never understand what Hanson is singing? Because Mmmbop was one thing but seriously are they singing with marbles in their mouths? Something something, PENNY & ME TONIGHT! Whatevz, I love it.

Swear it Again-Westlife. Pretty sure Westlife was a one hit wonder but this song is a real keeper. So emosh and such dramatic music. Everything a girl dreams for in a serenade.

It Happens Everytime-Dream Street. This was tossed in more for comical value, but also, it’s sneaky great. These boys were literally no older than 12 years old and they were hitting those falsettos like their balls would never drop. It deserves all the snaps for introducing us to Jesse McCartney, even though he was a back row resident in the videos…probz cause of that middle-part shroom cut. Either way, I was way too old to ‘preciate Dream Street when they were a hit because there were a million better boy bands but that didn’t stop me from comparing these lyrics to surprise boners. WHAT happens every time you see me? Classic innuendos.

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As Long As You Love Me-Backstreet Boys. My #2’s in the boy band game, it was a real toss up to pick just one slow jam from BSB. Pretty grateful that after accusing my sister of stealing my No Strings Attached CD last week (she’s still denying it) she redeemed herself by sending me all of her BSB discography so that I could make this playlist. I’m not sure why she’s been hoarding so many songs but her email subject lines more than made up for it.

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Anyway, back to this ridiculous song about how all these boys need is love. So you could pretty much be a real asshole, but just love your man and you’re G2G in the Backstreet playbook.

I Can Love You Like That- All-4-One. These boys get it. Sing about some fairytale shit and we’re in. Kind of wanted to put I Swear in here but then couldn’t un-see a fat Chris Brander with retainer intact singing it. So this is a real close second.

brander

You & I-One Direction. It may seem that I’m obsessed with the 90’s (and that’s because I am) but I can still tip my cap to the present day boy bands and even though 1D didn’t dance up a storm, they still mastered their genre’s craft of the slow jam love song. Also since 99% of the boy bands on this mix have broken up, they now fit right in. Either way, this song gives me all the chillz. Things can totes come between the 1D boys but like nothing will ever come between my relationship with them. And that’s all that matters.

Gone-N*SYNC. Ending with the GOAT. Again, could’ve chosen a bajillion N*SYNC tunes, but I decided to go with a late pick off of their last CD. Why? Because JT owned the shit out of this song and it’s very clear as to why he is still soaking undies with just one note to this day. The ending of this song when he lets it rip? Not a dry pair within a 100 mile radius. Jus sayin. In completely unrelated news, shout out to the fact that the last time this song came on shuffle while road-trippin, my sister and I had an unspoken agreement that she would sing backup so that I could solo. She’s the real MVP. Sometimes you just know when someone needs to show their range. And just for shits, here’s the really dramatic black and white video when JT was going through his shaved head phase. (And for a brief unfortunate moment, hitler mustache phase.)

 

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Music, Playlist

Summer Palooza 2k16

 

The sunshine season can’t truly begin until the infamous* Summer Palooza drops.

(*use term loosely)

CAN’T STOP THE FEELING! – Justin Timberlake. I declared this JT bangerang the song of the summer on May 6th when it was released and I stand by it hard. Is it played ad nauseum on the radio? Don’tttt caaaaareeeeee. Get that sunshine in your pocket and just dance dance daaaannceeee like you’re dressed like Ellen.

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Summer – Cassadee Pope. I mean, come on. This song was written specifically to be drafted for summer palooza.

I Like The Sound Of That – Rascal Flatts. One of those feel good country songs from a band that are basically considered dinosaurs in the industry by now. Seriously, I feel like the Flatts have been lip syncing at award shows for the past 100 years. Anyway, ❤ the JT shoutout EVEN though they say Timberlake’s got nothin on this girl. WHAT a bold statement.

Superstitious – MKTO. Any music MKTO releases makes me instantly want to drop into a split and spin on my head. Don’t worry. I physically can’t do that, so I’ll white girl head bop instead and let them remind me of the duo from Another Cinderella Story that a young Selena Gomez sassy danced all up on. (Seriously though, are they the same people? Right down to the fedora…)

anothercinderellastory

vs.

mkto

Brand New – Ben Rector. A surprising soulful twist for the mix, it’s time to shed some light on ya boy Ben Rector and bump this for road trip vibes.

Work from Home ft. Ty Dolla $ign – Fifth Harmony. Even though this one’s been floating around since early Spring, I’m still down with it because I DO work from home most of the time. And it definitely doesn’t go like this… Either way Fifth Harmony crushes the high school band practice meets sexual lyrics year after year.

Wherever I Go – OneRepublic. I always forget about OneRepublic because it seems fishy that they’re still releasing music while Ryan Tedder is writing songs for like 90% of pop singers. But regardless, every summer they seem to have new music and this one is surprisingly UPBEAT!

Once In A While – Timeflies. Even though Timeflies released a real weird video for this song, it’s still catchy AF and Cal still floods my basement with just one note. Why aren’t these two super famous by now? They’re about to open for the kid with the holey eyebrow in a mall bowling alley next week. Not even headline…OPEN. What is wrong with this world? Make these two megastars, STAT.

CAL

Fix – Chris Lane. If you’re looking for something to indulge on this summer, Chris Lane is it. He’s got your fix, he’ll be whatever you need. He’s also a straight up smokeshow. Yes Chris. Be all of the things for me, pls.

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Bacon – Nick Jonas ft. Ty Dolla $ign. Nick Jonas is soooooo0oooo deep now because he wrote an album about his breakup with Ms. Universe but realistically he’s just singing about tossing bacon on stuff. It pretty much makes 0.0 sense but when you add a beat to my favorite crispy breakfast side, it’s summer palooza gold. PS no clue who Ty DOLLA $ign is, but snaps for him earning 2 prestigious spots on this mix. That’s how you get your start in the music biz, so I’ve heard.

Sun Don’t Let Me Down (feat. Nile Rodgers & Pitbull) – Keith Urban. I hate myself for liking this song because it goes against every fiber of my being that hates Pitubull and his Mr. 305, Mr. Worldwide yellin’ ass but it’s fire.

Ain’t Got Far To Go – Jess Glynne. Jess made her debut last summer with some radio hits and we’re getting in touch with our inner jam band/reggae by including her this year. Clap it up for musical diversity. But seriously, put those hands together because there’s a whole lot of clappin in this song.

Like I Would – Zayn. Although I never wanted to support someone who could up and leave 1D, it would be wrong to admit that this bedroom jam Zayn that was born out of it doesn’t do things for me. Plus Harry’s the lead actor in a movie that’s probably going to win Oscars, so no hard feelsies. I would say that Zayn’s pretty cocky about his sex skillz with both Pillow Talk and this, but he managed to snag the hottest young model in the world and I’m gonna go ahead and guess he’s probs good in bed. They broke up for a hot second but GiGi remembered that no one would touch her like Zayn does, so she was like JK we’re back on.

Night’s On Fire – David Nail. David Nail’s a cutie and also consistently puts out classic country songs about hot babes and summer feels. I accept.

Treat You Better – Shawn Mendes. Technically Shawn is more for the teeniebopper Disney crowd but whatever because Stitches was my shit and I can already tell this song just might top that old school Bieber good good.

Snapback – Old Dominion. This is more of a PSA than anything: snapbacks are all the rage now. And by that I mean, backwards hats are all the rage. If you’re of the male gender and flip your hat backward, your pussy magnetism will skyrocket. Facts only. Unfortunately this is a song about a girl wearing a snapback. Less hot. When I wear a backwards hat, my family calls me Icebox from Little Giants. Double standard. Quick recap: guys, flip it backward, girls don’t do it unless you want to be compared to a female trying out for the boy’s football team.

Yes:  lukebryan

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Put It On Me- Austin Mahone Ft. SAGE the Gemini. It’s pretty embarrassing that two years in a row I’ve roasted Sage for what clearly is his calling card. They don’t already know you Sage, no one knows you. And no one will know you if you keep backing up Disney singers on their breakout “I’m a bad boy who does sex” tracks. Nick Jonas skyrocketed over the past year and with this spicy number, it looks like Austin Mahone is about to do the same. And poor S-A-G-E is left behind still just wanting to already be known.

Sorry – Beyonce. This is an unsanctioned add behind my co-producer’s back but you know what? I AIN’T SORRY. Beyonce made Lemonade (and cold hard cash) out of Jay cheating on her. It needed to be addressed on my summer mix. Everything about this song is cocky and cool. Yonce telling Jay to suck on her balls?! Damn. I also cannot and will not stop laughing at how disgusted she is with his F’ing excuses. The delivery on that was A+++.

White Houses – Vanessa Carlton. Summer cannot begin nor end without ‘Ness singing about sweaty *consensual* first times in the back of a car.

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Playlist, Television

Best of The OC Mix

The network execs at Pop know WTF is up because they’re only one show away from being the new Soapnet. For those of you that don’t fondly remember, Soapnet was the OG of playing teen drama reruns and now that Pop has The OC in the mix, all they need is One Tree Hill before we’re back in the game. (Since I’m a walking TV Guide, the lineup is currently 90210, Dawson’s, The OC, and That 70’s Show—which is obviously replaceable, so let’s get OTH in there stat and make my daytime TV dreams come true.) Anyway, I got distracted salivating over old shitty teen soaps, which is exactly what this playlist is about. Now that I’ve relived the good years of The OC (seasons 1-2 and like the first four episodes of 3), I needed a soundtrack revival to give me all the Cali feels again. Listen to these jams when you want to know what it feels like to live in a model home near the ocean and still just have SO MUCH DRAMA, but also, Chrismakkuh. **You’ll notice that I refuse to include the song that Marissa dies to, because that’s just in poor taste. It’s over 10 years later and it’s still TOO soon to revisit perfect Ryan Atwood carrying Marissa’s lifeless body away from his brand new graduation gift vehicle.*

Paint the Silence- South. The first song that became an ode to Ryan & Marissa, even making a guest appearance in season 3 right before she kicks the bucket. When Ryan is hiding out in the model home, Marissa (who met him one day earlier, and has a BF) shows up and is all I made you a mix tape to think of me and this song was first. It also plays during their Ferris wheel mack sesh (sigh) and again like I said, in season 3 when Marissa is a moron banging Volchuck and needs to get a little sense in her head that her and Ryan are meant to be…until she dies in a fiery car wreck.

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Title And Registration- Death Cab for Cutie. Since Seth was sarcastic and into comic books and emo AF, we came to know many bands that were staples on The OC. Death Cab is one of them, and since they’ve had many songs on throughout the years I picked this one because it reminds me of high school. And because one of my BFF’s in 9th grade had this as his MySpace song. Were we cool, OR WHAT?

If You Need The Morning- La Rocca. A little OC-OTH crossover band. Teen soap street cred for La Rocca. This one was a fun beach jam probably when there wasn’t dramz for like 3 whole minutes. Also I was watching the other day and lolerskated away when in one episode, Seth was like spring is finally here Ryan! As if California doesn’t have spring year round. Jokes on jokes.

Hide and Seek- Imogen Heap. Without fail this song will make me laugh out loud and it’s supposed to be super dramatic. But every single time, I think about how it played in the background as Kirsten drank herself silly at Cal’s funeral and how my friend and I used to dramatically reenact it in slow motion. Oh yeah, and when Marissa shot Trey of course too. Hide and Seek gets a bad rep in Orange County. Shootings & alcoholism, cause that’s what Imogen does.

The Way We Get By- Spoon. A fun little rock ditty about being a degenerate and crushing life, which can be compared to living on the beach without a care in the world and having rich parents, probably. Remembs when Ryan got Theresa preggers and she saw how much he missed the luxury life so she was like jk never mind and he went back? That has nothing to do with this song but still makes me wonder how it was ever a realistic TV plot.

Forever Young- Youth Group. Ryan and Marissa were dumb I guess and in season 3 declared they didn’t have a song. Um, if they had read this playlist they would know that Paint the Silence was their song, but whatever, so they played radio roulette and this beautiful song happened to be what they landed on. Yeah. Right. Anytime I play radio roulette I land on the Christian channel with a pastor giving a sermon. I call bullshit, but whatever, stay forever young (especially you, Marissa, RIP grl.)

Honey and the Moon- Joseph Arthur. UGH. This song and that INFAMOUS lookback. You know the one I’m talking about, when Sandy brings Ryan back to Chino because he’s 2 bad 2 tha bone, and Marissa stands on the curb and the sun is shining just so and he looks back and they have a moment. With that much sexual tension in one look it’s an actual mystery how it took those took 3 seasons to finally do the damn thing.

 

The View- Modest Mouse. Love these sassy rockers. This song doesn’t score a monumental OC moment; it’s just fun and very Seth Cohen-esque.

Insomnia- Electric President. Pretty sure Marissa broods to this song at the pier while she downs a flask as only the most popular, privileged girl in school can. To be fair, her dad was run out of town again after getting nearly beaten to death for stealing money, so I guess she deserves a strong one.

Fix You- Coldplay. Ah, back in the day I had the ripped right from TV version of this song (S/O to Limewire) and got to hear Seth stand up for his lady as Prom Queen and Ryan surprise Marissa last minute. The joys of high school prom and the biggest tearjerker song in the world. Also Julie tries to murder Caleb during this lovely high school moment in a Bam-Bam inspired bikini. Except he dies before she can get the chance. Nothing quite like hearing “lights will guide you home” mixed in with the sounds of Caleb having a heart attack and drowning in the pool. Well played.

 

Hallelujah- Jeff Buckley. Although it would’ve seemed the more obvious choice was Imogen Heap’s version (and death march) of this song, I’ve included her on this playlist twice and I decided to toss it back to the OG of Hallelujah. This plays as Seth maturely sails away from his life, I think. One time I threatened to run away because I was mad at my parents and they were like great, get out of here and see how well you do living on the streets at the ripe age of 11. Suffice to say, I stuck it out a few more years…by a few more years I mean that I’m almost 25 and they’ll quite literally never get rid of me. (insert evil laugh) So Seth running away because Ryan knocked a girl up was supes immature. Don’t let your friend’s sex life affect you that much, bro.

Speeding Cars- Imogen Heap. It felt wrong to include Hide & Seek and not show that Imogen can be uplifting sometimes too. This one’s a happy beat and plays over the gang’s graduation. Ryan’s boozehound mom is there after finally pulling her shit together just in time for her son to leave home, Marissa walks with the gang (I don’t even remember how this is possible) and as per TV high school graduation standards, only the 5 main characters are called to receive their diploma!

If You Leave-Nada Surf. Remember when they tried to make Anna a thing? You know, the female Seth competing with bombshell Summer for his heart? Well she finally gets the hint that her newsboy caps are no longer welcome in The OC and she packs her bags and moves back to wherever she came from. Good riddance.

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Your Ex-Lover Is Dead- Stars. One of the more depressing jams from the show, the men are all sad pandas over their love lives, Seth is letting Summer go to Italy with Zach and probably bang one out, Ryan is with boring clarinet-playing Lindsey (his maybe half sister a thousand times removed) ya know, cause Marissa is a lez for five minutes, and Sandy is hanging with “dead” Rebecca. Get it together, boys.           

Wonderwall- Ryan Adams. Seth and Summer are finally togets and they slow dance in his room probably with Captain Oats watching and it’s just downright adorbs. Meanwhile Marissa and Ryan are breaking up for the thousandth time or something.

Maybe I’m Amazed- Jem. In the season one finale, Ryan has properly gotten that piece of T-rash Theresa knocked up in a shady hotel room and decides to move in with her and work construction to raise the baby. Instead of, I don’t know, telling his baby mama to move into his spacious AND FREE pool house and take care of biz there. It’s super dumb but obviously not as dumb as how he casually gets let off the hook two episodes later. Either way, at Caleb and Julie’s wedding he has a goodbye slow dance with Marissa that brings a tear to my eye. She’s all, don’t go, pretend it’s not yours and he’s all, I HAVE TO. Deuces.

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I’m Shakin’- Rooney. ROONEYYY!!! YAASSSS!!! The band that Oliver PERSONALLY knows and if so, does that mean he knows Mia Thermopolis, Queen of Genovia? Just wondering. Rooney performs live at the Bait Shop (cough cough Tric) and Oliver gets the gang backstage passes. Oliver’s a cr33p who makes me irrationally angry but Luke distracts me by being the dumbest jock to ever attend a concert, playing one of the guys’ guitars backstage and tone deaf shouting I’M SHAKIN over and over again. Having Luke’s dad be gay was the greatest thing that could ever happen to him. He was gone 2 soon from the show.

Champagne Supernova- Matt Pond PA. (If you didn’t have to pee when this song started, you will now.) It may seem that I’m shipping Ryan and Marissa and forgetting all about Seth and Summer…and that’s because I am. I mean, Marissa died. She deserves her love moments to shine. Seth and Summer were solid and destined to be forever. If Seth stayed with Summer during her hairy legs phase at college, you knew those two were going to go the distance. But either way, the greatest Seth and Summer scene ever is obv when she leaves Zach at the airport and surprises Seth for a rainstorm spidey kiss. I re-watched this episode so many times that I actually got the DVD stuck in my DVD player, so props for that. #KissGoals

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Dice- Finley Quaye. Aforementioned cray cray Oliver didn’t stand a chance with Marissa on New Years Eve when Ryan rolls through at exactly midnight (after climbing a bazillion stairs, without so much as breathing heavily) for a kiss. No seriously, I walked up the stairs while on the phone the other day and my sister asked if I was having a heart attack. Anywho, as you might recall, these two were in a fight because Marissa told Ryan she loved him and he said thank you, cause he’s a boy and dumb. Wasn’t too dumb for the most romantic NYE kiss ever though. Cue the confetti.

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California- Phantom Planet. Always toss the theme song into a TV playlist, and that’s obvious.            

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Music, Playlist

Lady Jams Playlist

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This is one of those collections of songs that could possibly be embarrassing to jam to, and are also mostly one-hit wonders…but most importantly, when the CD-R was invented, you bet your bottom dollar these were some of the first songs I burned to a mix, tossed into my karaoke player and bumped. One thing they all have in common is that they’re lady singers. So pour a glass of pinot grig, put on your yoga pants and feel all the feels with this gurl pop throwback playlist. #BOYSSTINK

1. I Wanna Be Bad- Willa Ford. I always believe in starting off a mix with a hard bang and I think we can all agree Willa Ford, certified badgurl does just that. Never to be heard from again after the TRL days, I’m assuming good ole Willa and her boy Royce did some jail time cause they’re BaD 2 tha BONE. PS my sister had a friend who claimed Willa Ford was her babysitter and used to steal blueberries from their fridge. #BadGirlLyfe

2. Everything- M2M. These two hail from Norway and America welcomed them with wide open arms. Their jams were so hot one of them even ended up in a Pokemon movie. This particular number was performed on Dawson’s Creek’s spring break episode. If it’s good enough for Pacey, it’s good enough for me.

3. Stuck- Stacie Orrico. Oh how I miss Stacy with an “ie”. This was a sassy boy troubles song and to be honest I don’t think our girl Stace ever came out with anything else. Go out on top, that’s what I always like to say. Correction: She also sang “There’s Gotta Be More To Life” which is also a top hit. 

4. All the Things She Said- t.A.T.u. I guess we were all SUPER diverse with our music duos in the 2000’s because this is a Russian group—I had to look that up because all I remembered about terribly named t.A.T.u was that they were lesbians. Not even sure if that’s a rumor…but they did smooch in the video which was REAL scandalous.

5. Breathe (2 AM)- Anna Nalick. If you didn’t memorize every single word to this song when it came out I don’t want to know you as a person. It’s kind of a downer, but I couldn’t make an all girl tribute from the 2000’s and not include Anna. So this will be the part of the playlist where you think about what you’ve done, and JUST BREATHE. PS immature Julia laughed at “naked in front of the crowd” every time. Sorry not sorry.

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6. 4ever- The Veronicas. The Veronicas were a couple of BA’s. Realistically I don’t know anything about them but both of their hits banged real hard. In fact, I still use the intro to “Untouched” as an alarm sometimes when I want to wake up terrified and disoriented. As you might recall, this number scored the infamous carnival scene from She’s the Man where Amanda Bynes switches from girl to boy faster than you can pull popcorn out of your cleavage.

7. Gotta Tell You- Samantha Mumba. Samantha is Irish?! I tell ya, learn something new everyday. Anyway, Gotta Tell You is a great dance number if say, you wanted to invite 10 of your closest gal pals over for a slumber and choreograph an intricate dance like you’re all Wade Robson.

8. Rush- Aly&AJ. Wouldn’t be a Salty Ju mix unless I snuck a little Disney love into play. Were they pretty queer in their DCOM’s? Obviously. But is this song a hot rock number for two Disney blondes? Absolutely.

9. Ordinary Day- Vanessa Carlton. Threw you a curveball here. Everyone and their mother knows that A Thousand Miles is the anthem of the 2000’s. I decided to switch it up with an underdog from our favorite piano-playin gal. She sings about falling in love in a dream or something? Who cares when you’re wailing at the top of your lungs in a solo car concert with Ness. If only I also had a piano in my car…

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10. Take Me Away- FeFe Dobson. In my 13th year, I went through a really hardcore punk phase. It was the days of Ashlee Simpson and Avril and FeFe. Feef’s was my girl because she wore wife-beaters and studded belts and rocked hard. I purchased her CD with my hard-earned money and I’m not ashamed to admit I unearthed it recently and remembered every word. She even has a creepy song called Julia, so we’re basically BFFs.

11. What Do You Do- The Troys. This probably also could’ve gone on my 8th grade angst playlist but I forgot about these bada$$e$ so here we are.

12. Love Song- Sara Bareilles. Sara is still crushing it present day, but no one will ever forget her debut piano jam that set a precedent for independent woman all ova! Also this is another ideal song for exercising your vocal range at a slower pace.

13. Dumb Girls- Lucy Woodward. A catchy one-hit wonder for Lucy also happens to be REAL cheesy. At least she tries to be a rebel with, “I look at the ground and give the sky the middle finger.” YEAH YOU FLICK THAT SKY OFF.

14. It’s About Time- Lillix. I actually forgot about Lillix for a minute until last weekend when my sister’s ipod shuffle brought it back (among The Click Five…yikes) but I’m glad they came back into my life just before I made this playlist. Pretty sure I had their CD too, because I had an eclectic taste in music, obviously.

15. Everywhere- Michelle Branch. The millennium didn’t have music if it wasn’t for the dynamic duo of Michelle and Vanessa. Their piano-slammin hits about boys completed me. Michelle had a leg up over Vanessa with weird pronunciations of words though so I’d like to thank her for the pure joy I get from singing “turn it inside out so I can seee-UH.”

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16. Why Not- Hilary Duff. Heard this classic at a pre-game a couple weeks ago and had the unfortunate realization that I once thought it was VERY cool to put the lyric “You always dress in yellow, when you wanna dress in GOLD” in my AIM profile and highlight the font in yellow. Yikes, Julia. Regardless of how stupid the lyrics are to this song, it’s still a classic. How else would you know how to get to heaven… or even to L.A.?

Hil

17. Somebody- Bonnie McKee. One last mellow cry before we end this mix with a bang. Apparently Bonnie is making dance pop hits now but let’s never forget the time when she was wah-wahing about how single she was. At my very first parent-less concert (Ryan Cabrera), she opened and I got to meet her. Pretty sure I was the asshole who was like I don’t even know this chick and thus I don’t care but what a great ballad this is for crying into your wine. Just me? Nevermind.

18. Leave (Get Out)- JoJo. Not only does this song slay but it has a message, and that message is LEAVE because my mix is over and our time together is done. No seriously, GET OUUUUUUUUTTTTT!!!! PS how impressive is it that a thirteen year old wailed that note?

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Playlist

Millennial Beat Laboratory Mix

Any time I find myself in a bar with a DJ (every night, obv) I always cross my fingers that they start spinnin’—or have on their iTunes playlist—some beats from the 2000’s, aka my prime gangster days. Hanging out with the girls on the basketball team upped my street cred by a trillion because they always had rap on their workout mixes and I was all in for pretending to be cool. Now that I no longer have these influences and listen to a lot of country, my G factor has rapidly decreased but every once and a while I like to toss it back to a time when I knew rap lyrics, yo.

Paper Planes (Remix)- M.I.A. Generally speaking this song has a lot going on and SHOULD hurt your ears, but instead it turns into a gleeful game of cocking a fake gun and pulling the till on a fake cash register. Furreals tho, don’t F with M.I.A cause she’s got mad blunts and more records than the KGB.

Kewlest Lyric: No one on the corner has swag like us

Forever- Drake Ft. Eminem, Lil Wayne, & Kanye West. This is a rare gem of a song because please explain to me how you could ever get these four rap giants together now. You can’t because Drake’s busy salsa dancing to Hotline Bling, Em is doing commercials, Weezy is on and off dating Christina Milian and probably playing daddy to her kid (yikes) and obviously Ye is running for president and trying to keep up with those darn kardashians. This song will live forever in infamy for bringing the gang together, only thing missing is Jay.

Kewlest Lyric: Last name ever, First name greatest. Obviously.

Girlfriend (Remix)- ‘N Sync ft. Nelly. Obviously N*SYNC is the best band in history but when you add a little Nelly into the mix and a music video with everyone wearing knit caps, it really adds a lot of flava to an otherwise whiny song about how much they want this girl to date them. Kudos for them integrating the rap flawlessly and even throwing it back to their other top singles with “So tell your man bye-bye and tell him you’re long gone.”

Kewlest Lyric: I put ya so high on a pedestal, it might make ya nose bleed, So much ice around ya ankles, and watch ya toes freeze

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Get Your Freak On- Missy Elliott ft. Nelly Furtado. Every song Missy tossed out in the 2000’s was phenomenal but this one takes the cake when she remixes it with Nelly and we learn that a woman stuttering the word “get” can be so effortlessly kewl.

Kewlest Lyric: Who’s that bitch?-Me me! Nelly Nelly Nelly Furtado all in your stereo 

Ignition (Remix)- R. Kelly. Usually I don’t do this (support R. Kelly because he’s creepy) but go ahead and break em off wit a little preview of the best remix ever. Seriously this song is an all-time great, one might say the world’s greatest (wink.) On the other hand, thinking about a guy with a sexual criminal record saying he’s going to stick his key in my ignition…not so much.

Kewlest Lyric: Sipping on coke and rum, I’m like so what I’m drunk, It’s the freaking weekend baby, I’m about to have me some fun (Ultimate weekend AIM away message)

Lose Yourself- Eminem. Probably one of the first songs that I learned all the words to by playing it on repeat for weeks straight. Eminem could be a little scary sometimes, like when he was rapping about fans who killed their pregnant girlfriend for him but this is just a squeaky clean (sort of) song about rappers stage fright. Also not for nothing, but ralphing up mom’s spaghetti on yourself sounds like a giant mess.

Kewlest Lyric: Success is my only motherfucking option, failure’s not

Forever- Chris Brown. Mark my words, this is the only Chris Brown song I will ever wholeheartedly support and love, and I think that’s all that needs to be said about this. And also did he ever picture it getting a second wind from a bunch of white people dancing down the aisle to it for YouTube? Just wondering.

(I don’t want to point out any of these lyrics because they’re nice things to say to a girl you love and I can’t picture Chris Breezy saying any of these thing ever.)

Ride Wit Me (Explicit)- Nelly. I don’t know what 90% of the lyrics in this song mean. Naturally that doesn’t stop me from trying to sing along and pretending that I too smoke L in the Benz.

Kewlest Lyric: And can I make it? Damn right, I be on the next flight. Paying cash; first class – sitting next to Vanna White

All I Do Is Win (feat. T-Pain, Ludacris, Snoop Dogg & Rick Ross)-DJ Khaled. Another all-star cast of characters collaborating on a song that brings out my inner G. Emma Stone agrees, of course. Half of the rappers on this song don’t even make music anymore because we live in a world where Nicki Minaj makes millions rapping about her buhhole. But whatevs, cause all I do, all I, all I, all I, all I do is win.

Kewlest Lyric: My hands go up and down like strippers booty’s go

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Let Me Blow Ya Mind- Eve ft Gwen Stefani. Gwen has been a troubadour of all genres bopping around from 90s grunge rock to pop to hip-hop. One time my friends and I got our hands on some High School Musical wildcat temporary tattoos and put them on our boobs just because we wanted to be like Eve. It’s an unrelated story but also when am I ever going to be able to insert that into a blog. We were obv tatting ourselves for the midnight premiere of HSM 3:Senior Year. Did I mention I wasn’t cool in high school?

Kewlest Lyric: Don’t fight that good shit in your ear, Now let me blow ya mind

Money Maker- Ludacris Ft. Pharrell. I mostly added this song because it’s one of Luda’s more random songs but also because the lyric “let me give you some swimming lessons on the PENIS” makes me laugh out loud every single time. Essentially the whole thing is Luda rapping cringeworthy dirty talk and Pharell toning it down with his smooth beats.

Kewlest Lyric: You… you lookin’ good in them jeans, I bet you look even better with me in between. Yiiikes Luda.

Low- Flo Rida ft. T-pain. An iconic song for millennial fashion. Fun fact: one of my friends in high school owned a spicy pair of crocs with fur lining at the height of crocs fame and another friend expertly changed the lyrics to “apple bottomed jeans, crocs with the fur” just for her and I can never unhear that.

Kewlest Lyric: Shorty was hot like a toaster

Live Your Life- T.I. ft. Rihanna. Ah, a rap song with morals which is rare, especially for bad girl RiRi. What’s even better is T.I. is babbling about how he’s above all this rapper feud nonsense and then ended up in jail like 2 years later for gun stuff.

Kewlest Lyric: Been thuggin’ all my life, can’t say I don’t deserve to take a break. Same, T.I., same.

Touch The Sky- Kanye West Ft. Lupe Fiasco. This song holds a special place in my heart because I made a choreographed dance to it with my friend then tried to show it to my sister the very first time I got drunk in her college dorm. I didn’t know what being drunk was really, all I know is that I usually nailed the dance sober and after I had a drink, I stubbed my toe on the chair I was using as a prop and almost fell over. Ah, so young and naïve to the joys of booze and it’s ability to make me looser on the dance floor. Regardless, this collab was cool because Lupe made Kanye more fun/catchy and less into Jesus’ crucifixion.

Kewlest Lyric: I think I died in an accident, cause this must be heaven.

What’s Luv- Fat Joe Ft. Ja Rule & Ashanti. An avid and vocal supporter of the Ashanti & Ja dream team, it felt right to end with them, even though it also includes Fat Joe trying to tromp his way in for a threesome.

Kewlest Lyric: Ass is fat, frame is little, Tattoo in your chest with his name in the middle

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