JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of February 24, 2020

1. MAN TAY.

The Man was such a throwaway song for me on Lover that I’m surprised it even became a single and yet at the same time I’m not at all surprised because Taylor is on a mission to be top dawg Feminist these days and she won’t stop until she reaches the top or in this case, dresses as a man to show why men stink. At first glance of this “man” I was like oh of course Taylor only casts hotties in her videos. Then no less than 30 seconds later I was appalled at myself as the camera zoomed in and I saw Taylor’s exact face with a beard on. So obviously since it’s a T.Swift music vid it has 90000 other clues and meanings and blah blah blah but I just seriously can’t get past the Man Tay. I mean look at the picture below that she posted. HOW CREEPY IS THAT. WHY WOULD YOU EVER ANGLE YOUR TERRIFYING PROSTHETIC FACE IN THAT HORROR MOVIE WAY?! Even if I was the hottest person on this earth, a cocked head and blank stare at the camera is a guaranteed way to give everyone nightmares and lead them to believe I want to turn them into a skin suit.

Anyway, once you get past that it’s a fun Wolf of Wall Street-esque FU to men everywhere and LDC, specifically. But not the Rock though. Because he’s a Tay supporter and therefore gets to voice the “man” and be a big hulking piece of feminist man meat. Anyway, I’m over it. If Cruel Summer isn’t the next single I’m going to hurl myself off a bridge and I don’t really think that’s being dramatic. PS LOL to Taylor thinking she fooled anyone into thinking that wasn’t really her by that BIG REVEAL at the end.

2. Butthole Eyes.

Syracuse’s favorite celebrity, Pete Davidson just dropped his Netflix special and it is THE BUZZ this week because rather than taking the high road post VERY PUBLIC engagement breakup, he got down on his belly and army crawled through the Ariana Grande ravines, using her name and star power as much as possible to draw attention to his probably otherwise forgotten standup special. Well it worked. And now I might even watch the special. Great PR work. Either way, the best part about it, is that he recognized the fact that Barstool called him Butthole Eyes and he’s pretty kewl with it. (Butthole Eyes is still top 5 of weird insults you could hurl at someone.) He has a good sense of humor and can clearly poke fun of himself. Maybe he could also explain how he keeps bedding super model babe after babe. Cause it’s really been a revolving door for him tongue-ing in public since Ariana left. I’m having a hard time keeping up.

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3. Friends Reunion Fakeout

This news is a week old but I didn’t do a JUice last week and I definitely feel the need to pop off about this. HBO Max announced that there will be a Friends SPECIAL with the original cast and it will be unscripted and BASICALLY IT’S JUST AN INTERVIEW WITH THE CAST OF FRIENDS. Maybe they’ll talk about their favorite episodes or tell behind the scenes stories or you know, do all the same shit they’ve been doing for the past 10 years but all together in one studio for a paid subscription network and this is straight bullshit. Anyone who saw this news and was like OMG THE FRIENDS REUNION WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR is dumb. This isn’t a reunion of the show. It’s a special with the cast. Relax. It’s a marketing tool to get more people to get yet another subscription and I’M NOT BUYING IT. Call me when Friends is back on Netflix.

4. GIVE US LIZZIE MCGUIRE. Speaking of dumping on streaming services that are all about the hype, less about the delivery, let’s talk Disney +. They amped up a Lizzie McGuire reboot with original cast and since I’m a Hilary Duff stan through and through, I was like YUP give me Disney +. Realistically what I did instead was ask my two year old niece if she’s seen the movie Frozen (knowing full well she hadn’t) thus leading her to beg for Frozen until her parents bought her Disney + which is the only place Frozen lives. Then I was like oh great, I’ve been meaning to get Disney +, sharesies?! So whose the real mastermind here. It’s always me and don’t you ever forget it. Either way, I now have Disney + and the only time I’ve used it is to watch the movie Cool Runnings. So all around giant waste of a streaming service. I’ve been waiting with baited breath for this Lizzie comeback. Well OF COURSE it’s delayed. They made a big stink about shooting in NY, then production halted and showrunners changed and now Hil is giving us some BTS scoop or rather shade…

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Seems like Disney + wants this to be a show for kids like the original and guess what, LIZZIE IS ALL GROWN UP NOW. She’s in her thirties and there won’t be an entire episode dedicated to her being to embarrassed to ask her mom for a bra (peep my Lizzie blog breaking that down HERE.) So someone who makes content for adults and doesn’t have a back catalogue of Muppet Babies needs to step in toot sweet so we can see Lizzie McGuire adult edition and there BETTER be a reference to her singing at the Colosseum with Paolo.

lizzie5. Be More Like Gaga.

This article (Click HERE for full article) is getting buzz and being tossed around the web lately. Basically a regular gal found out via social media (of course) that her ex boyfriend of 7 years is Lady Gaga’s new piece of the moment. She talks through the emotions we all go through of stalking your ex on social media and seeing who they move on with, comparing yourself, being a jelly belly or feeling threatened, etc. And she’s all HOW DO I COMPARE TO LADY GAGA?! Well for one thing, I bet you can’t take the word shallow and make it 12 syllables, but I digress… She then used this discovery to motivate her to live a cooler life and never say no to anything and just try to be a baller like Gaga is. And you know what? That’s more mature than I will ever be. Not only would I torture myself and nitpick all of the things my ex boyf who is dating a famous popstar is now doing, I would also try to make my life look cooler and that’s just petty human nature. Props to this girl for rising above it but her buying an expensive designer dress and getting a blowout because it’s what Lady Gaga would do just doesn’t cut it for me. Some of us don’t have the funds to live life like Gagz and we will instead just sit in our own bitterness refreshing Instagram to see what Gaga is doing with our ex boyfriend at 30 minute intervals every day. Also based on the fact that Gaga is engaged to a new man every few years, there’s really nothing to worry about here. Ya gurl Lindsay will realize the year of YES might only last 8 months. Double also, LG is really making news this week because after this article came out, she dropped her first single in 3 years. QUICK, LINDSAY, DYE YOUR HAIR PINK. Full disclosure, I didn’t listen to one second of this song so if it blows real hard, don’t @ me.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of January 24, 2020

Your favorite feature is back because everyone’s just blabbing their faces off in Hollywood this week and I am EATING IT UP. Also I don’t have a job, so like what else would I be doing with my days?

1. Jessica Simpson TELL – ALL.

Open Book by Jessica Simpson CR: HarperCollins

I’ve never hidden the fact that I was a Newlyweds SUPER-fan, like to the point where I would youtube old episodes in college and pray for Jess & Nick to reunite. I just felt like they were destined to be together, yanno? Well, they weren’t. And my naive little pop culture heart just wanted my two favorite hottie pop stars to talk about chickeny tuna forever instead of realizing that they met when they were teenagers and got married at 22 and that’s a straight recipe for disaster. Anyway, that’s not the point of this blurb–the point is that Jess released a tell-all book that has been DOMINATING the headlines this week. There were some tidbits about her marriage to Nick and her time with John Mayer sexual napalm bad boy of Hollywood but the biggest bombshell is that she was a closet addict for like A LOT of years. Through her entire career up until 2017 basically and HOW DID WE NOT KNOW?! Jess reveals that she was sexually abused as a child and that’s partially why she coped with alcohol and pills…it also didn’t help that we were calling her a heffer every single day that she didn’t look like she did in her Daisy Dukes prime. Yoikes. That’s on us, Jess. Sorry bout that one. But also let’s circle back to John Mayer and how he has the WORST rep with the ladies. There’s the ever popular Dear John about him taking advantage of Taylor Swift, and now there’s Jessica Simpson talking about how she felt like she needed to have all eyes on her texts, checking for grammar errors to be smart enough to bang J.May. Also, she literally says he was obsessed with her. Well-played, Jess. Maybe we’ll get another Continuum out of him from this.

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2. Taylor Swift SHOW – ALL.

Countdown begins until I park myself in front of the TV on January 31st and don’t blink for two hours soaking in every detail that Taylor is willing to divulge to me. The biggest tidbits to come from this so far after the trailer was dropped this week is that Taylor’s mom has a brain tumor and Taylor once had an eating disorder from pap photos pointing out her stomach. That stuff is sad and all but did YOU SEE TAYLOR DROP AN F BOMB IN THIS TRAILER?! LET’S F**KING GOOOOOOOOOOO. She’s taking her damn life back and “it feels fucking awesome.” YAASSS KWEEEEENNNNNNN. Ok but seriously though y’all already know that I drool at everything Taylor Swift does and real talk I just want to know everything about her life EXCEPT politics. If this documentary is heavy on the political talk, I’m out. Fingers crossed we just get some good ole fashioned gossip and not a lecture on voting. Also, No:

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3. Car-pull Karaoke.

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So this is a thing everyone is outraged over this week and I’m baffled as to why. Are we really that dumb as a group of people? Don’t answer that. A fan saw James Corden filming Carpool Karaoke and took a picture and outed him for not actually driving the car and the world went BUH-NAN-UHS. They feel shocked and cheated and lied to and HOW DID YOU IDIOTS THINK THIS WAS FILMED? There’s like several cameras and angles and they have to be set up in the windshield to get the whole car ALSO this segment is purely for entertainment and he’s focused on dancing and singing and talking to these passengers HOW DO YOU EXPECT HIM TO ALSO NAVIGATE LA TRAFFIC? My God you’re all morons. There’s literally times where the car is moving and James has no hands on the wheel and is looking fully at the star in the front seat. Did y’all really think he was that talented of a driver? Listen, I’ll level with you, when I found out that MTV used to pull LC around LA in her BMW convertible ON THE BACK OF A TRAILER, I also was heated and felt like I had been betrayed. But then I thought about how if I try to change the song on the radio, I almost run myself off the road so it’s really asking a lot of celebrities to multi-task this much while driving and I’m ok with that. I’d rather see James and JLo text Leonardo DiCaprio about hitting the clubs than have his hands on 10 and 2 driving through town.

4. Breakup Tats.

What do you do when your 8 year relationship just ended and everyone knows about it? Get a sunflower tatted on your boob and flash it up on instaG so your ex sees that you’re doing just FINE. Tale as old as time. Women are so predictable. Either we get new hair or new ink, either way we gotta show that we’re still hot but only to the person who dumped us because no one else matters. (Meanwhile, my ex only goes on instagram to watch videos of people falling or crashing into things and I could post a boomerang of me doing jumping jacks naked and it wouldn’t even be on his radar.) So Vanessa, GET IT GURL, win the breakup for all of us singles. Three whole posts for a little tit ink. Eat your heart out, Austin.

5. The JoBros Are Crushing It.

Look, I was never a Jonas Brothers super fan and to be perfectly honest, they showed 0 personality at their concert and I was expecting a lot out of them because they do shit like this and they’re hilarious. I will give them all the props in the world though because they have CRUSHED this comeback. I feel like every day of the week they’re dropping something new or doing something zany. They’ve got funny tiktoks, they can pound beers (or Nick’s personal tequila), they drop fire flames singles and then toss out music videos banging their hot wives to accompany the jamz. Now they’ve got a residency in Vegas, I guess? THEY LITERALLY CANNOT BE STOPPED.

I mean seriously, they said they’ve got a surprise in store for their Grammys performance and I’m salivating at all of the possibilities. If it’s just having the J Sisters hooch it up and get macked on by them onstage, though, I’m out. Like enough of that. We get it, they’re hot and you love them. I’m over it. I’m not over this song though cause it slaps real hard.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/11/19

1. Sexiest Man Alive.

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I know that I once wrote a very heated takedown of People for their shitty choices in Sexiest Man Alive, based solely on the fact that they’ve never crowned Ryan Gosling but over the years, my anger has simmered because obviously this whole thing is rigged anyway. I’m ok with John Legend. I don’t feel triggered or slighted. I feel like he’s a lovable character who has talent out the wazoo and looks like someone you might want to cuddle with, so sure, let’s call him sexy. What I don’t feel GREAT about is that Chrissy Teigen’s twitter antics probably pulled more weight with this nomination than anything else. Everyone knows she likes to get fired up on twitter and come at people. She’s the hot, dirty-mouthed sassy B wife to John’s gentle and tender doe of a personality. I don’t doubt for a second that the higher up’s at People were like what will create buzz? Someone with a mouthy wife on social media that everyone thinks is hilarious. And boy did she have us all eating out of the palm of her hand. Poppin offfff on Twitter. And for that, I’m like eh I might be out. It’s overplayed. We get it. You’re unfiltered. So am I. People don’t think I’m that funny either. And I recognize that. (See #5 where I show you that people on Twitter like very unfunny things.)

 

2a. Combat. She’s Ready For Combat.

Tay has assembled a Swift army. LITERALLY. Like how baller do you have to be to just write a note on social media that gears thousands of fans up for combat for your music from a bunch of mean ole music industry bullies. If you haven’t kept abreast of the music drama, Tay left her record label, the head then partnered with Scooter Braun and told her that they owned everything she wrote while signed with that record label. Which was like her entire career leading up to this album. She called them out, Justin Bieber made fun of her then she announced she’d be re-recording all her old songs so that they’re hers again. We all forgot this happened. Cut to last night when she releases this manifesto and suddenly THEY’RE NOT LETTING HER PERFORM ANY OF HER MATERIAL?! UH, UH HONAY. I worship at the ground of awards shows and if she’s not allowed to perform the hits, I will RIOT. Apparently, so will everyone else. Here’s all her buds stepping up on social media for her.

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Naturally, Big Machine released a statement that if I may paraphrase here, said: Nah, she’s lyin. And like honestly after what happened with Kim/Kanye and Taylor before, do you THINK SHE’S GONNA CALL SOMEONE OUT LIKE THIS IF SHE DOESN’T HAVE PROOF?! So I’m waiting with baited breath for her to pull out those receipts y’all.

2b. Collaborashawn.

Taylor’s having a real big week. She deserved a two-parter here. Technically 3 if we want to recognize her new song for Cats as well, which we do not. That movie looks creepy as hell. Out of everything on Lover, the title track seems to be the most TAY and most unique. She wrote the whole thing by herself and it’s ooooooooooobviously about her plain bagel of a boyfriend. So when she dropped this remix this week I was real perplexed. Seems like the last one she would want someone to re-write and collab on but hey, it’s her world, we’re all just living in it. Although it doesn’t hold a candle to the original, I’m a fan of Shawn’s smooth vocals and I think it’s nice enough to give a cool gurl head nod. To say his portion of the song is a love letter to Camila is a little TOO much. Let’s pump the brakes, they’ve been dating like 5 minutes. I don’t think he’d really wanna go down with the Titanic for her. Leo tried that one time and it really backfired for him.

3. Demi’s New Mans

Always a Demi stan, I’ve been rooting for her to keep it together ever since her overdose a little over a year ago now. I worry about her and like to see that she’s doing well–you know–by what she chooses to show me on social media because unfortunately she doesn’t text me on the reg like JLo does. There were some rumors that she was getting after a Bachelorette contestant, but those are squashed now that she’s made this public coupling with this cotton candy colored hair jabroni. Apparently he’s a model. He also posted a pic on his account so YOU KNOW IT’S REAL. And if you can’t already tell from my tone, I do not approve. Girl’s got too much going on to focus on a relashe right now. And that’s my completely unsolicited and unwelcome relationship advice for this week.

4. I’m Confused.

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I lied. I got more unwelcome bits for these two ladies. I saw this article on People earlier this week shouting out Selena and her BFF Julia Michaels. Apparently they’re on a real hot streak lately of Bff’in. They performed together, Selena just attended Julia’s 90’s themed birthday bash and now they’ve gotten matching tats of arrows that point to each other when they hold hands. And People is like aren’t they just the cutest besties you’ve ever seen? No. No they are not. Name one pair of friends who kiss on the lips and get hand holding matching tattoos. NAME ONE. I got very passionate about this super casj article considering we are HOT OFF THE HEELS of Miley and Katelyn. Those two are smooching all over the joint and they’re having a lez fling, these two are basically doing the same thing and they’re just BFF goals. WHERE IS THE LINE, HOLLYWOOD?! I really really don’t understand it. Someone explain it to me because I have never once, nor will I ever smooch a friend on the lips. Am I doing friendships wrong? Pls advise.

5. Twitter is Garbage.

I watched the CMA’s on Wednesday  (blogged the red carpet) and got a Halsey boner, so I sent out a very PG, unfunny tweet into the twittersphere, giving props to the performance, which I encourage you to watch below:

My tweet went viral–well viral for someone who gets maximum 6 likes on a tweet. In fact, I’m still gaining new followers and getting action on this tweet and it’s more than 24 hours later. Here is my stupid ass tweet.

I’d just like to let all of my new “fans” and followers know, that I think I’m hilarious. And I spend a significant amount of time crafting the perfect tweets as if I’m writing a punchline for my own well-attended Netflix stand up special. AND THIS IS THE ONE YOU MF’ERS RECOGNIZE?! FOR REAL? I used to live-tweet every awards show like I was being paid to do it and NOTHIN. Never recognized for my obvious talent. Now all the sudden I say I ❤ Halsey and everyone’s coming out of the woodwork. I guess that’s the power of Halsey. Now I know what the Chainsmokers feel like. Outshined by a gal from Jersey. So if you’ve stumbled upon my rarely-viewed blog because I tweeted about Halsey, WELCOME. I am here to entertain and make you laugh and if you don’t think I’m funny then get the hell out of here because I only like to interact with people who pump my tires like my co-workers who all told me I kill it on Twitter. Shout out to them for perpetrating the biggest Twitter head I’ve ever had. Also today’s my half birthday and my Venmo is open for monetary gifts to celebrate the occasion of being 6 months closer to the impending doom of thirty. That may seem abrupt and unrelated, but if you peep my tweet about it from last year below: you’ll see that I brought it full circle by pointing out yet another funny tweet that has one measly like. And also, I still genuinely don’t know how old I am. PLUS I’m trying to capitalize on my new following. So I’m not THAT dumb.

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Music, Pop Culture

Taylor Swift – Lover

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The album dropped Friday and now that I’ve had time to listen to it several times, buy the deluxe edition, read Taylor’s diary (scary similar to my own circa 6th grade, much less similar when she was at the Met Gala at 18) and tape the Deluxe Version 1 poster up to my front door, I’m fully ready to give you all of my opinions on each song and relate all of the lyrics back to my own life. Also I might add that I’m writing this track by track review v. hungover so basically I’m battling the queasies just to deliver content for your Monday morning at work. I’m the Taylor Swift fan that you all deserve.

1. I Forgot That You Existed. I love the move to start an album with a bop especially because it’s Petty Mayonnaise Taylor and she’s right out of the gate being shady as hell toward Calvin Harris. HOWEVER I also hate talking Taylor and her speaking the word indifference (and adding a giggle in) makes me want to blow my brains out. I get she’s trying to be funny and sassy and all but I could do without the talkies, always.

Best Lyric: In my feelings more than Drake, so yeah/Your name on my lips, tongue-tied/Free rent, living in my mind

2. Cruel Summer. At first listen I hated this song but then second time around and every time since it’s rapidly grown on me and now it’s easily one of my favorites. What sold me, you ask? When she basically starts screaming in the bridge. I’m like oh ok, cruel summer whatever, lots of ooh’s and colors but then when she’s drunk and shouty and goes HE LOOKS UP GRINNING LIKE THE DEVIL, it’s game on. First of all, there’s a reason Drunk Taylor was trending on twitter a couple of weeks ago to her clearly smashed singing her own song. It’s a rare occurrence we get to see a tipsy Tay so we have to relish it when we can and I literally pictured a drunk Taylor screaming up to some guy’s window I DON’T WANT TO KEEP SECRETS JUST TO KEEP YOU and it makes me laugh out loud and also want to shout everything.

Best Lyric: I’m always waiting for you to be waiting below/Devils roll the dice, angels roll their eyes/What doesn’t kill me makes me want you more. Honestly who is this devil man she keeps referring to? What an aggressive comparison to be making. Did Tay try casual sex?

3. Lover. (My initial reaction: Typical Tay, dropping 15 singles off of her album before the album officially comes out and then there’s like one song we haven’t heard yet from it. Coming off of a moody “The Archer”, this is a bold move to release another deep, slow tune. And let’s not pussyfoot around this, it’s basically her proposing through a song. So obviously, the bitter love-hating bitch that I am, I immediately wanted to be like nope, not for me. But then she warmed my cold dead heart, as only mah gurl T can do, and I was a puddle by the end of it. Obviously the best lyrics are “my heart’s been borrowed and yours has been blue, all’s well that ends well to end up with you.” It ain’t even a competition. What a wordsmith she is. And I’ll save you the quick google search because all I did was look up the lyrics and I saw 9898239802 articles titled “All of the references to Joe Alwyn in Taylor Swift’s new song.” OH YOU DON’T SAY?! The song she wrote about loving someone forever is about the guy she’s been dating for 3 years?! GET OUT OF TOWN. Also if you really wanna go down a rabbit hole (which I always do), look up the lyrics on Lyrics Genius and see that Taylor is such a boss that pretty much every song she writes is tied in some way to another song she’s written. HOW DOES HER BRAIN WORK?! Anyway, enjoy loving love with this new song and cue the countdown to her and Joe’s engagement.)

My current reaction: Every single time I hear this song I love it more and more and it’s my favorite song, might even be vying for a second place pick for overall favorite Taylor Swift song. All Too Well is a very clear and obvious numero uno. Even the video was beautiful and mesmerizing. God, Tay turning me into such a sap.

4. The Man. Hey guys, it’s the era of #MeToo and #GirlBoss and #Feminism and that’s basically what this song is here for. It’s a Who Run the World but jabbier. I mean she goes after Leo and that’s PREEETTTTYYYY bold. No one goes after Leo. He made saying “boo boo” cool again, but he’s a man SO HE SUCKS. But seriously, guys, stop calling Taylor a serial dater just because she has a vag. Cut the shit.

Best Lyric: If I was out flashing my dollars/ I’d be a bitch, not a baller. Taylor swears now.

5. The Archer. (My Initial Reaction: here we are at The Archer and it’s moody and dramats with deep lyrics and I’m all about it. Tay has a knack for releasing songs that speak to a certain part of my life, like when 22 came out the year that I turned 22 (yeah that’s right all you young hoez who post “feelin 22” right now. The song was basically written for me and not about today’s youths, who have essentially no problems and feel the need to wear crop tops with no bras every time they leave their home.) So obviously Tay knows that my love life is a shit storm right now and drops this juicy dramatic song. “Who could ever leave me, darling? But who could stay?” I MEAN COME ON. If I had a diary right now, it would probably say exactly that. Good thing I don’t keep diaries anymore because every time I read my middle school one and see “Seventh grade is the year of dating. I want a boyfriend, but not so bad that I’m desperate, and I’ll take anyone.” I want to kms. So I’ll just leave it to Taylor to write all the embarrassing things that I relate to in that moment and look back on in five years and laugh at. Thanks, boo.) My current reaction: now that I’ve heard the whole album it doesn’t stand out as much for me but I still don’t hate the moody feels to it either. Also since we were talkin’ diaries, Taylor had an entry from like 8th grade about how she forgot it was valentine’s day because she doesn’t have a boyfriend OR a crush and there’s no point in even acknowledging v day if you don’t have “those key elements” and if that’s not literally a page ripped from my dramatic pre-teen life then I don’t know what is. So thanks for sharing your embarrassing and overdramatic words so that I can identify that I wasn’t the only loser writing in a diary about being single at 14.

Best Lyric: And I cut off my nose just to spite my face/Then I hate my reflection for years and years. Honestly it was very difficult for me to pick just one lyric because they’re all dramatic as hell and I identify with each one at this point in my life.

6. I Think He Knows. Lots of punchy elements on this one. We’ve got the high background singer voices that could get real annoying, real quick. But then when the beat picks up and she scream sings HEARTBEAT, I just can’t stop myself from grooving. In case you haven’t already come to this conclusion, I love a good scream sing. Not only is this a fun dance number, but Taylor is REAL high on herself basically saying that Joe knows how great she is and couldn’t fathom letting her go. He just HAD to lock her down. Lotta cocky confidence there, which I respect. Also she wants to know that body like it’s hers. Sex stuff. Taylor’s just so grown up now.

Best Lyric: He’s so obsessed with me and, boy, I understand/Boy, I understand. Get it gurl.

7. Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince. Here’s when I started to realize we are miles and miles away from Reputation. Bad Girl Tay was in full force looking for vengeance on Reputation, and there were times I was a little scared. I was like ooohhh get em gurl THAT’S RIGHT TELL EM. This song is supposed to be like a callout and first of all let’s be honest and say the name of it stinks. It’s wordy and fairytale-ish. Then she’s talking about stupid names and stupid prizes and it makes me think of a child who knows they’re wrong and is like THIS IS STUPID just because they don’t want to do it. So as far as the lyrics go, I’m not all in. I’m to assume she’s taking a political stance here? Yet I seem to miss most political references because I actually am stupid, so I’m heavily relying on Lyrics Genuis here for this one. Either way, it’s not resonating with me. The song itself isn’t bad, plus there’s some shouting, which I’m always down to clown with and throw a fist bump into the air. However, I’m not really a politics gal, so if we’re makin’ commentary on the ole US of A. Count me out.

Best Lyric: I’m feeling helpless, the damsels are depressed/Boys will be boys then, where are the wise men? #Feminism

8. Paper Rings. This is a hard fan favorite. All of my twitter scrolling has told me that people are going wild for this one. Another ode to her being ready as hell to get married, JOE. Let’s hope he’s on the same page here otherwise that would’ve been a REAL awkward first listening sesh for this album where almost every song is like let’s do the damn thing, yo. Also important to note, when she sings now I wake up in the night and watch you breathe. Um….serious relationship or not this is a hard red flag. No one should be watching anyone breathe. Unless you’re watching someone SNORE waiting for the right moment to smother them and hope that their near brush with death will make them reconsider breathe right strips or sleeping on their side. Whoa. That got too real for a second. Either way, I’m out on the watching your sig oth sleep. They threw the sleeper creeper (infamous sleep watcher of Saratoga) in jail so that makes it pretty clear it’s a crime. Anyway we got sidetracked there, this is a fun song and it has counting in it so it’s also educational. Groove on.

Best Lyric: I want to drive away with you/I want your complications too/I want your dreary Mondays. How nice it is to want someone else’s complications. That’s true love, folks.

9. Cornelia Street. Since Taylor and Karlie Kloss were on this street at one point in their friendship or something, everyone wants to push the agenda that it’s about her and I’m so over the “Karlie and Taylor dated” theories. It’s a sweet song about how she doesn’t want to go through a break up because when you do everything sucks and all of your memories are tied in with everywhere you go. Basically just set all of your things on fire when you end a relationship because everything is going to remind you of that relationship and it bloooooooows. This song is nice though. Because she’s still happy and is like oh if we broke up everything would be terrible but we’re still together so look at all these nice memories we made in this apt. It’s All Too Well vibes without the actual heartbreak. Fall! Dancing in the kitchen! Living together and being in love! Good for you, Tay (she says bitterly and with a look of disgust on her face.)

Best Lyric: And baby, I get mystified by how this city screams your name

10. Death By A Thousand Cuts. Now this is more like it. A real dramats break up song. It’s like she knew I was going to roll my eyes at Cornelia Street and was like just you wait, breakups are like being sliced to death, revel in this song. And YOU KNOW WHAT I WILL. The next time my mom calls to check up on me and ask how I’m doing, I’m going to tell her I’m dying from a thousand cuts and honestly she probably won’t be that thrown off because this sounds like something I would say anyway because I’m the biggest drama queen ever to walk this earth. BUT WHATEVER. The most unfortunate part of this song is that it was inspired by the Netflix movie Someone Great, which my sister and I watched and it was a giant grease fire of garbage. See? Dramatic. But seriously though the movie stunk and I would not recommend. The girl goes through a sad breakup and basically just parties her face off with her besties. Cool. Sick way to handle that.

Best Lyric: I ask the traffic lights if it’ll be alright/They say, “I don’t know”/And what once was ours is no one’s now. Sobbing emoji.

11. London Boy. UGH as you’ll recall from Reputation, I hate when Taylor yaps on and on about how her boyfriend is British. Like we get it, everything he says sounds fancier JUST because he was born in England. I’m already jelly of that because my accent will always sound like T-rash next to a Brit. You don’t need to rub it in any harder. This song is fine, I guess. I can just do with a little less British slobbering.

Best Lyric: They say home is where the heart is/But that’s not where mine lives.

12. Soon You’ll Get Better (ft. Dixie Chicks). Since this song is about Taylor’s mom going through cancer it’s a total sobfest and you have a stone cold heart if you don’t at least tear up when listening to it. There’s not much else to say about it. It’s beautiful but also will give you all of the sads. 

Best Lyric: And I hate to make this all about me/But who am I supposed to talk to?/What am I supposed to do/If there’s no you?. 

13. False God. Taylor REALLY loves NYC. Like really can’t stop name dropping it in songs. And honestly, the last time I was there I saw a homeless man high as a kite, barefoot, farmer’s blow loads of snot onto the sidewalk directly in front of me. And having that visual, which is a preeetttyyy common occurrence in the city that never sleeps, how can she love it so much? Is NYC better for rich people? I mean I know she probably has a penthouse and takes a black car everywhere, but like, still gotta walk on the same sidewalks as the commoners sooo….I just don’t get it. Either way, this song is also an easy skip for me. Mostly because it just got me fired all the way up about what a dumpster fire the city of New York is but also because it’s just not that good.

Best Lyric: I know heaven’s a thing/I go there when you touch me, honey/Hell is when I fight with you.

14. You Need to Calm Down. (My Initial Reaction: I didn’t blog about it because I didn’t want to look like a homophobe but I was strictly OUT on You Need to Calm Down because no one ever tells me to calm down and also it was basically just a way for her to crown herself queen of the gays, which like, we get it Taylor. EVERYONE LOVES YOU. Gawd.) My Current Reaction: This song still blows but it doesn’t mean I hate the gays. It just means I hate this song.

Best Lyric: We all know now we all got crowns. It was a struggle to pick a lyric here but I’ll stan anything that says I’m a queen.

15. Afterglow. Another break up song and at this point I’m struggling to get through the album. The highs and lows, IT’S ALL TOO MUCH TAYLOR. This one she’s like hey guess what all of this is my fault. So for all you h8ers who say Taylor excludes herself from any narrative she doesn’t want to be a part of, ya lyin. Look at her taking ownership in this song. She’s so mature. Also this is another one that grows on you.

Best Lyric: Fighting with a true love is boxing with no gloves

16. ME! (ft. Brendan Urie). (My Initial Reaction: Let’s get this out of the way real quick–could’ve done all the way without a random dramatic french scene at the beginning. And the spelling breakdown in the middle. But that’s just Taylor and of course she has to throw her talking and dramatics in every song and I’ve just come to accept it rather than fight it. Other than that, I was captivated by this video from start to finish. I felt like I was high on pastels and unicorns and I was perfectly content with it. For a fleeting moment I considered also getting pink hair. But the moment has passed.) My Current Reaction: This song still slaps and I will fight anyone who shits on it for being a Sesame Street song. It’s fun and poppy and narcissistic and I support any song that’s basically like I’m the best person ever so suck it, world. It’s over the top and that’s why I love it. The perfect first song into Lisa Frank pastel and happy Taylor.

Best Lyric: Livin’ in winter, I am your summer

17. It’s Nice to Have a Friend. Hard pass on this jingle. Between the chimes and the children’s chorus choir, it is CREEPY AF. Like gives me the shivers every time I hear it and not in a good way. Nightmare fuel. Sorry but this will be an auto skip always. Can’t win em all, and I’d say we’re still pretty good odds with such a long album that there’s only a couple that I want to rip my ears off as soon as I hear the first few notes. The trumpet solo in the middle with church bells? Seriously, rip them right off.

Best Lyric: Light pink sky, up on the roof. Honestly I hate all of the lyrics too but who doesn’t love a pink sky. 

18. Daylight. And the grand finale, Taylor finally knows what true love is actually like and shocking absolutely no one, she’s comparing it to colors, cause that’s just what homegirl does. Cheers to her golden love with her British boyf. What a hopeful and cheery way to end the album. I wholeheartedly approve and have nothing snarky at all to say except for that I wish she didn’t talk at the end. OK BYEEEE.

Best Lyric: I once believed love would be (Burning red)/But it’s golden

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 8/12/19

1. Lover.

Typical Tay, dropping 15 singles off of her album before the album officially comes out and then there’s like one song we haven’t heard yet from it. Coming off of a moody “The Archer”, this is a bold move to release another deep, slow tune. And let’s not pussyfoot around this, it’s basically her proposing through a song. So obviously, the bitter love-hating bitch that I am, I immediately wanted to be like nope, not for me. But then she warmed my cold dead heart, as only mah gurl T can do, and I was a puddle by the end of it. Obviously the best lyrics are “my heart’s been borrowed and yours has been blue, all’s well that ends well to end up with you.” It ain’t even a competition. What a wordsmith she is. And I’ll save you the quick google search because all I did was look up the lyrics and I saw 9898239802 articles titled “All of the references to Joe Alwyn in Taylor Swift’s new song.” OH YOU DON’T SAY?! The song she wrote about loving someone forever is about the guy she’s been dating for 3 years?! GET OUT OF TOWN. Also if you really wanna go down a rabbit hole (which I always do), look up the lyrics on Lyrics Genius and see that Taylor is such a boss that pretty much every song she writes is tied in some way to another song she’s written. HOW DOES HER BRAIN WORK?! Anyway, enjoy loving love with this new song and cue the countdown to her and Joe’s engagement.

2. The Last Song.

Miley going toe to toe with Taylor this week, except her song is about her marriage falling apart. YOIKES. After I saw Miley twerking in Lake Como on Saturday captioning it “living her best life”, I was like hm something is fishy here–that is a cookie cutter I’M SINGLE NOW post. Then the statement was released that her and Liam are separated and even though I was out drinking at the time, I took it upon myself to scoop everyone in my contacts list on the news. Felt good. Not only because scooping others on celebrity gossip is a high like no other (even when they don’t care) but also because I’ve been V. vocal about the fact that Liam is too good for Miley and I hated them together. I did start to back off on my hate parade once she calmed down (maybe she heard Taylor’s song before it was released?) and then they got married. But obviously one can only mask their partying ways for so long. As she documented herself getting after it in George Clooney’s hometown, it came out that she was smooching it up with Kaitlynn, formerly Jenner but not really because they were never legally married. Stay with me here, folks.

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WHICH IS SUCH A LOOK AT ME MOVE. I will bet my left tit that these two were mixing up some vodka sodeys on this yacht and were like, wouldn’t it be hilarious if we made out and everyone would go WILD?! And then they did. And everyone did. Brody had some introspective post then said he and Liam Hemsworth would be holding hands on the beach, Miley clapped back with the anthem for sluts this summer: #hotgirlsummer and while all of this Hills drama was happening…I was meeting Audrina.

Probably bigger news than those two ratchets making out honestly and that’s why I couldn’t let it slip under the radar. We didn’t talk Justin Bobby and for that I will always be disappointed in myself, but I did get to witness her get on the mic and go “If you know the Hills, you know this song” in dumb Audrina speak and then bump Natasha Bedingfield’s “Unwritten” into a sea of white drunk people who don’t know the words to a song from 2007 that was best known for playing in the background of LC driving a convertible around LA. What a time to be alive.

3. Boy Meets Baby Robot.

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The original Boy came to meet our boy. ❤️

A post shared by Danielle Fishel Karp (@daniellefishel) on

First of all, lolz to the fact that this fuzzy Brillo head looks exactly the same. Second of all, don’t post pics of your kid if you don’t want anyone to see their face. That makes LITERALLY no sense to me and I can’t get past the robot emoji. I’m like ohhh cute pic DID YOU BIRTH A ROBOT?! It was shocking and not in a good way. So kinda took away the aw’s for me to be honest. But either way, you know that I’m true to all 90’s nostalgia and couldn’t let this one slide by, especially because I’ve just added a Boy Meets World graphic tee into my rotation and I’m pretty excited for its debut. Cory & Topanga 43v3r.

4. Megan Not-so-FOXy

Ferrari's 60th Anniversary In The USA Gala

My boy David Silver went on KFC Radio this week and shared a nice little tidbit that Megan Fox basically begged him to date her and it wasn’t until she was like I guess I’ll go find someone else that he was like NO, WAIT! CLAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCCCC guy move. Apparently he wasn’t over his previous relationship yet but like she should probably just wait until he’s ready to date, right?! He then quickly realized he was being a douchenozzle and agreed to date her. Look, I’ve openly admitted on more than one occasion that I don’t get the Megan Fox obsession. I mean yeah, she’s pretty but people like want to die a thousand deaths for how hot she is and I’m just like meh. Alright. Like let’s not be stunned by the fact that he wasn’t interested right away. Maybe they went on a date and he was like damn she’s not funny at all. (Cough cough: when she did that stint on New Girl I wanted to poke my eyes clean out of my head because it was so unfunny and terrible and basically all she does is play the hot girl in anything.) Do I sound jealous? Probably and I’m ok with that. While we’re on a rampage here, the 90210 reboot STIIIIIIINKS. Sorry, guys. Carry on.

5. The Fall of Katy. Again.

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You know. After I met Katy, we sang a worship song, “open the eyes of my heart” She was cool and kind. When other people were around she was cold as ice even called the act of kissing me “gross” to the entire set while filming. Now I was pretty embarrassed but kept giving my all, as my ex was busy cheating on me and my daughter was just a toddler, I knew I had to endure for her sake. After the first day of shooting, Katy invited me to a strip club in Santa Barbara. I declined and told her “I have to go back to hotel and rest, because this job is all I have right now” So I saw Katy a couple times after her break up with Russel. This one time I brought a friend who was dying to meet her. It was Johny Wujek’s birthday party at moonlight roller way. And when I saw her, we hugged and she was still my crush. But as I turned to introduce my friend, she pulled my Adidas sweats and underwear out as far as she could to show a couple of her guy friends and the crowd around us, my penis. Can you imagine how pathetic and embarrassed i felt? I just say this now because our culture is set on proving men of power are perverse. But females with power are just as disgusting. So for all her good she is an amazing leader, hers songs are mainly great empowering anthems. And that is it. I continued to watch her use clips of her music videos for her world tour and then her dvd, only highlighting one of her male co-stars, and it was me. I made around 650 in total off of teenage dream. I was lorded over by her reps, about not discussing a single thing about anything regarding Katy publicly. And a couple interviews they edited and answered for me. So, happy anniversary to one of the most confusing, assaulting, and belittling jobs I’ve ever done. Yay #teenagedream I was actually gonna play the song and sing it on ukele for the anniversary, but then as I was tuning I thought, fuck this, I’m not helping her bs image another second.

A post shared by Josh kloss (@iamjoshkloss) on

It seems like Katy Perry has been on a rollercoaster only careening toward the ground basically since this song came out. She had feuds with Taylor Swift, became a judge on American Idol, went out on tour but her tickets ended up on Groupon, and now everyone’s accusing her of sexual assault and stealing music. Even dressing up as a hamburger and hugging Taylor Swift in YNTCD couldn’t save her. The male star of this video, Josh Kloss, just decided to use the 10 year anniv of the song to be like hey I’ll never celebrate this dirt-ass song because while I was starring in the video Katy was a total B, said kissing me was gross, and then also ripped my pants off at a roller skating rink and showed everyone my wiener. Not a great look, KP. Song still bangs though.

 

 

And if you want to feel like Miley and Kaitlynn (and every other young ho) this weekend… HERE YA GO:

Not gonna lie this song is catchy as hell even though it doesn’t inspire me to bang strange all summer long.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

It has been brought to my attention that I’ve been slacking on my Ju duties as of lately and although pop culture goss isn’t typically as ravenous in the summer, my life has also been a giant dumpster fire this szn, which doesn’t always inspire me to be funny. So here is my attempt at making a comeback. If I don’t make you laugh, well then you’ll feel just like me right now. Pop on a little Gilmore Girls, let your waterfall of tears flow into a heavy pour of rosé and we could be twinzies. If I do make you laugh, then tell me an obnoxious amount of times because I will never get enough of being told that I’m funny.

1. The Archer.

If anything is going to bring me out of retirement, it’s Tay. Every damn time. She released her first song off the new album that can’t be confused for a Kidz Bop tune and I’m here to give you all of my thoughts on it. Obviously I was all in on ME because I’m a narcissist and related to a song that repeats over and over again how awesome I am, claiming it as my mantra. I didn’t blog about it because I didn’t want to look like a homophobe but I was strictly OUT on You Need to Calm Down because no one ever tells me to calm down and also it was basically just a way for her to crown herself queen of the gays, which like, we get it Taylor. EVERYONE LOVES YOU. Gawd. ANYWAY, here we are at The Archer and it’s moody and dramats with deep lyrics and I’m all about it. Tay has a knack for releasing songs that speak to a certain part of my life, like when 22 came out the year that I turned 22 (yeah that’s right all you young hoez who post “feelin 22” right now. The song was basically written for me and not about today’s youths, who have essentially no problems and feel the need to wear crop tops with no bras every time they leave their home.) So obviously Tay knows that my love life is a shit storm right now and drops this juicy dramatic song. “Who could ever leave me, darling? But who could stay?” I MEAN COME ON. If I had a diary right now, it would probably say exactly that. Good thing I don’t keep diaries anymore because every time I read my middle school one and see “Seventh grade is the year of dating. I want a boyfriend, but not so bad that I’m desperate, and I’ll take anyone.” I want to kms. So I’ll just leave it to Taylor to write all the embarrassing things that I relate to in that moment and look back on in five years and laugh at. Thanks, boo.

2. Lance Came Out for LOLz.

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In random stories from 20 years ago, Lance Bass divulged on Watch What Happens Live (because that’s where everyone gets drunk and tells wacky stories) that after Britney got married in Vegas, he came out to her to get her to stop crying and paddle away from her problems in her roflcanoe. Well it worked. A boy-bander being gay got the big belly laugh from our gurl Brit so clearly Lance knows how to read a room. Glad he could come through in the clutch, it’s too bad he didn’t have anymore shocking news to share and talk her down from her bald umbrella smashing epi 3 years later. Womp Womppppp.

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3. That’s 3 under 3.

I’ve spent some time with my 2 year old niece and I’m having a hard time understanding why anyone would sign up for one of those full-time, let alone three. The most adorbs coups is doing it again though and it’ll be another girl! How joyous to have 3 daughters essentially all right around the same age. I’m saying this sarcastically of course because as the youngest of three girls, I CAN confirm we were monsters from ages 2-19. In fact, I’m still ruining my dad’s life and calling him crying on the daily so look forward to THAT, Thomas Rhett! Daughters are yours until you marry them off…or in my case, FOOOORRRR-EVVVV-ERRRRRR.

4. Shawn Mendes is a Teenage Girl.

Babe soda/teen heartthrob Shawn Mendes is making a lot of waves in the past few weeks after dropping a spicy little tamale of a song with Camila Cabello (see above) and then smooching up on her all over town, sparking new romance rumors. When I saw this and heard their merengue I was like ayeee Papi, get it. JK, but seriously I was rooting for him because he spends 90% of interviews convincing the press he’s not gay AND was shot down by Hailey Baldwin like minutes before she married the Biebs, so I felt like Shawn needed a W. That took a DRAMATIC turn when a fan released the below photo with a butterfly tattoo drawn on Shawn’s ‘cep.

AND THEN HE GOT IT. No seriously. A super fan was like wonder if you had this very intricate butterfly on your arm? And he was like gr8 idea. WHAT. Butterflies had their moment in the 1990’s with Mariah Carey and Aeropastale. WHAT PLANET AM I ON THAT THEY MAKE A COMEBACK? First Taylor Swift and now Shawn Mendes? Come. ONNNNNN.

Listen, I tried to be in your corner, Shawn. I shipped your new relashe. But unless this courtship has dramatically ended and you were drunk surfing through Twitter and stumbled upon this fan suggestion, there’s no reason to be butterfly stamping your muscle. Total Mosby Move.

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5. JLo is FIFTY. 50. Fif.tee.Five.Zero.

Nothing makes you feel like a more GIANT loser than watching JLo turn up at 50 harder than you ever have in your whole life and you’re basically half her age. Am I a complete and utter dweeb? Don’t answer that. About a month ago I made up a drinking game to Saved by the Bell once I discovered it was on Hulu so I think we all know what that means. I can cut loose with the best of ’em. #BUCKWILD. Also I heard Ryan Seacrest couldn’t get in because he was there so early and wasn’t on the list. NERD ALERT. At least I’m cooler than Seacrest. You don’t show up to a celebrity party at 7 on the dot you big wiener. But seriously, JLo LAYING OUT ON THE TURN TABLES with ARod as her #1 hypeman in the background was my favorite thing I’ve seen in a real long time. Also, surprising to no one, she looked like a damn snack at her Grammys-level birthday bash. I bet Leo was there.

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Also is that Fat Joe? He’s still alive?! AND ASHANTI?! JOE CRACK THE DON, UH. PLAY US OUT, GUYS.

 

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JUice, Music

Weekly JUice – ME! Edition

Week of 4/22/19

There’s never been a time when Taylor Swift hasn’t released new music and/or video that I haven’t immediately blogged about it, so here we are. Happy Tay DAY….again! Can we just start by bowing down to her marketing genius? Because anyone who drops clues for a release date like a year in advance and then commissions an artist to paint a freakin’ wall in Nashville with even more clues and then just rolls up and people are already waiting there for her?! MASTERMIND. That’s like some if you build it, they will come shit. How the hell did anyone see butterfly wings on a wall in Nashville and think, if I wait here Taylor Swift will show up? The same weirdos who wrote countless in depth theories about the hidden message in every Instagram post for the past year.

Since I’m much lazier, but just as thirsty as her super stans, I blindly tuned into ABC last night at 8, not realizing it was the NFL Draft. What fresh hell is that, Taylor? I’m not spending 3 1/2 hours watching football garbage just for you to drop a morsel every few commercial breaks. I finally turned it off after she bounced that pink dipped ponytail onstage and was like TEASER LOLOLOL. Ain’t nobody got time for that. I’ve got a hard out at 10pm every single night, so I resigned to just wait until the morning. I did manage to learn before bed that her special guest on the song was Panic! At the Disco’s lead singer and I was nervous as hell because I’ve never loved his voice and have mostly associated it with closing the G-D door. Now here we are, 6:15 AM watching this masterpiece before getting ready for the day and BOY DO I FEEL JAZZED TO TAKE ON FRIDAY.

Let’s get this out of the way real quick–could’ve done all the way without a random dramatic french scene at the beginning. And the spelling breakdown in the middle. But that’s just Taylor and of course she has to throw her talking and dramatics in every song and I’ve just come to accept it rather than fight it. Other than that, I was captivated by this video from start to finish. I felt like I was high on pastels and unicorns and I was perfectly content with it. For a fleeting moment I considered also getting pink hair. But the moment has passed. Mostly because I have brown hair and pink and brown is gross. I’d end up looking like Ann Perkins when she went through her sad breakup phase in Parks and Rec.

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Woof. But I digress. Here are my favorite looks from the video:

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HELLO TAYLOR’S BOOBS! Seriously she really started off with a bang in this number, poppin that cleavage like nobody’s biz.

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Once again skating over the fact that all she needs to make her happy is a cat (replace it with a puppy), this dress and her mermaid waves are a real dreamscape. Also loved the quick lyrical shout out to “Mine”. One of my favorite TSwizzle songs and videos mostly because she pretends to be a mom to 2 kids in it and looks like she’s 16. Gr8 mems.

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I mean who doesn’t love a his and hers mint marching band getup?! Also it would be wrong of me not to point out how phenomenal her legs look in this.

 

 

HONORABLE MENTION SCENES:

1. BUTTERFLIES. The snake turning into butterflies. I mean what is Taylor if she doesn’t have her metaphors and symbolism. The fact that she marks every album with a symbol and then brings it into the next era, again, marketing genius. Glad the snake is gone, honestly could’ve gotten down with something other than butterflies as they give me HARD flashbacks to when they were the logo for Aeropastale and printed on every piece of their clothing. But whatevs.

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2. HEART ON. The scene where Brandon opens a door to his heart and we dive right in?! WHOA. Literally I have no other words. That was cool as hell.

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3. PAINT STORM. I pretty much watched the last scene with my mouth open and drool coming out (normal for me anyway since I have a drooling problem) because I was so fascinated by all of the colors and a liquid dress. What a lovely finale for a pastel explosion of a video. Never thought I’d be on board with a Lisa Frank inspired aesthetic at 27 but here we are and there’s no turning back.

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Also the song bangs. It’s catchy AF, Brandon was the perfect duet partner for it–although sucks for him because Tay is definitely taking all the glory here and “from Panic At the Disco” follows his name everywhere–but either way, I’ll be bumping this all weekend thinking of unicorns hearts and rainbows.

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