Red Carpet

Billboard Music Awards Red Carpet 2018

This is one of those awards show that I question if I’m too old for every year and the great news is, not yet! If you close the show with Salt n Pepa, En Vogue and DJ Spinderella spitting 90’s bangers, I’M STILL IN THE CUTOFF! Unfortunately, I am too old for like 90% of what the females chose to wear for this red carpet, which is unfortunate because this was a real female empowerment show.

WORST

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Kewl one suspender, Gaston.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

I’m convinced that Halsey just grabs a wig on her way out the door and tosses it on in the limo with how out of place it always looks on her head/body.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

The bottom of this dress could dust my apartment and I’m over it.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Taylor hasn’t been on an awards show red carpet in 2 years and this was her comeback dress. Hard disapprove.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Red Carpet

Salt n Pepa tried to dress like youths except that they’re no longer in youth shape.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Clashing prints and quite the baggy crotch for new dad John. We’ll forgive him because he showed up just to sing and flew back to Chrissy & the babies.

ciarafront

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

We needed a front and back view of this dress because although the sparkles dazzle me, Ciara basically rolled up naked.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

This dress MUST be one size fits all because she is drowning in it.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

I had a disgusting dress up dress when I was a kid that was made from this exact fabric and was a brighter hue of purple. Except it didn’t have a neckline that started at my waist.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

I’m honestly perplexed by this. Did someone ravel her in pinstripe fabric from a spool and just let her start walking?

Billboard Music Awards, Arrivals, Las Vegas, USA - 20 May 2018

DEMI WHAT R U DOING? You can perform with Xtina but DO NOT take fashion tips from her!!! Slicked hair and a leopard print muumuu, no ma’am!

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Ugh. Maren. A heart? Rly?

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

I am blown away by this look. Not only is it completely skanky to just roll up with a wide open, unbuttoned blazer but my friend and I dissected what happens when you sit down for far too long. But seriously. Unless she’s standing for this entire awards show, can we take a quick guess what’ll happen when she sits down? Her stomach will do all sorts of things. It’s called gravity. WHY WOULD A FEMALE WILLINGLY OPEN THEIR TOP UP TO SHOW THAT OFF?!

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

The inventor of smizing was really selling it here but nothing will sell this collar/sleeve ruffle.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

This is lingerie.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Although this is a very Kesha outfit, I feel like if she maybe took one piece away from all the things she’s doing here I would’ve let it slide.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Love her hair and the color but all these mixed textures ruined it for me.

BEST

janet-jackson

Wooooo Janet looking like the badass fairy godmother of the BBMA’s.

Billboard Music Awards, Arrivals, Las Vegas, USA - 20 May 2018

Don’t care what he’s shamelessly promoting here because it’s Pauly D and I love him and he’s wearing pineapple kicks.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Fun dress that doesn’t show any of her bits! Not quite sure about Evan’s bedazzled Cosby sweater tho.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

This doesn’t even look like Mila Kunis (can we not make bangs a thing?) but it’s still a cute outfit.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

I like this dress in theory but judging by the amount of times Hailey tugged at her boobs she clearly was uncomfy in it and this is why you don’t wear a dress where your girls hang loose and you have to constantly adjust it to prevent a nip slip. Tough stuff, lesson learned.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

JESSE ❤

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

I want to toss this pic in front of JC and say this is how you do red boots.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

I kinda just want this leather jacket for myself, tbh.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Host K. Clarkson in addition to being suuuuper obnoxious, rotated between varations of black dresses/suits with big belts and gold jewels. Slimming classic look.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Red hawt. Even the shades match!

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Jenna Dewan gettin down in all leatha.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

I feel like the guys showed up way more than the girls last night and I’m here for it! Showing the bros some fashion love.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

FRESH SUMMER SUIT!

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

I’m so envious of this dramatic top bun. And also the dress is alright.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Although I find it absolutely mind-bottling that a comically round individual like DJ Khaled is the most sought after person to shout ANOTHA ONE or scream nonsense in the background of your song and take partial producing/writing credit, this aqua colored suit and matching kicks are mesmerizing. Credit where credit is due. Now back to hating him for ruining every good song on this earth. The. End.

 

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Pop Culture, Red Carpet

Royal Wedding Red Carpet

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I mean come on. If you thought I was gonna be up before 7AM on a Saturday morning and NOT blog this, you’re out of your mind. I’ve said it on Twitter but I’ll say it again…the most selfish thing the royal family could’ve done was hold this ceremony on local time. No one in their country gives a flying F about this wedding. America is obsessed with the royals and now EXTRA obsessed because an American from what has proven to be a trash ass family with their antics this past month has done the unattainable and found herself a real prince. So long, Sucktown, I’m a princess now! Every little girl’s dream. Even the Today show was like I’ve met more people from California than I have from England here. BUT WHATEVER. Not bitter or anything. Us Americans will set our alarms just to wake up and watch church on TV on a weekend. Don’t worry bout us.

And without further ado, here are the most random collection of celebrities-the chosen ones (with some royals sprinkled in) who got to sit 14 miles away from the altar and “watch” the Royal Wedding.

WORST

The wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, Pre-Ceremony, Windsor, Berkshire, UK - 19 May 2018

Do you guys remember Joss Stone? She had a song on the radio in like 2003 and apparently that makes her worthy of attending these nuptials with a lady wearing pink fishnets. Either way she’s dressed to attend a 6 year old’s tea party.

Prince Harry Marries Ms. Meghan Markle - Windsor Castle

I LOVE the red heels but I’m sorry I had to do it. You’re attending a wedding not a funeral, guys! JAZZ IT UP.

Royal wedding

This is giving me 1960’s PanAm vibes real hard.

Prince Harry Marries Ms. Meghan Markle - Windsor Castle

Tom Hardy being a baldy really threw me for a loop here. I’m not digging what his lady friend is wearing. The most frills and puffs.

The wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, Pre-Ceremony, Windsor, Berkshire, UK - 19 May 2018

I’m not a huge fan of dusty pink but this dress is a flattering cut on her.

The wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, Pre-Ceremony, Windsor, Berkshire, UK - 19 May 2018

Just your classic, oh he’s British so he’s invited. I get that Carey’s a hippie but this dress is not fitting for the ceremony. Mumford looks dapper.

Prince Harry Marries Ms. Meghan Markle - Windsor Castle

Cressida going for some Mexican vibes at her ex’s wedding. That’s one way to stand out!

The wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, Pre-Ceremony, Windsor, Berkshire, UK - 19 May 2018

Lolol to James Blunt being there but also his date is an embroidered couch cushion.

Prince Harry Marries Ms. Meghan Markle - Windsor Castle

Isn’t this guy in cologne ads? This dress is so unflattering and boring.

jamescorden

James looks great but I can’t with his wife’s hat. It ruins her whole look.

Royal wedding

Oprah looks FINE. But, she’s OPRAH. I expected so much more from her.

princess-beatrice

I keep going back and forth on this dress because the puffballs are really pushing it but bottom line, the hat is basically a yarmulke.

BEST

Royal wedding

At first glance I hated this then I did a quick switch and loved the fact that her shoes match the colored stripes perfectly. Plus that’s a dope hat.

Prince Harry Marries Ms. Meghan Markle - Windsor Castle

Purple’s my favorite color so of course I love this.

The wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, Pre-Ceremony, Windsor, Berkshire, UK - 19 May 2018

I respect Chelsea Davies wearing dark colors (opposite of Cressida’s piñata dress) because if you’re invited to watch your ex boyfriend make SOMEONE ELSE A PRINCESS, you best show up in your darkest dress, still looking like a babe, to mourn your loss.

BRITAIN-US-ROYALS-WEDDING-GUESTS

This is typically something I would hate but I like the flourish for the event. Plus I’m a sucker for colored heels.

The wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, Pre-Ceremony, Windsor, Berkshire, UK - 19 May 2018

Ugh Pippa looking like a dime as always. Show us dat azzz girl! Too far? Whatevs.

Prince Harry Marries Ms. Meghan Markle - Windsor Castle

These two are definitely the best dressed couple there. Showing the Beckham’s how to do it. Coordinated, classy and fun!

The wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, Pre-Ceremony, Windsor, Berkshire, UK - 19 May 2018

This is a best and a worst all in one photo. Abigail wearing a polka dot frock is a miss no matter what but standing next to the perfectly polished Priyanka makes it 100x worse.

sophie-countess-of-wessex

Get it gurrrrlll with those separates! So trendy!

patrick-j-adams-troian-bellisario

Classic look from both.

giada-lubomirski

I want this outfit. I’ve never needed a matching teal coat, hat and dress more.

gabriel-macht-jacinda-barrett

I always appreciate a subtle matching coups.

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This is the best pic I could get for Kate but naturally she’s the skinniest and looking phenomenal with that little sassternaut Charlotte saying hi to the h8ers.

doria-ragland

Not sure if this creates a rivalry to wear the same color as the Queen but Doria looks amazing as she tries to show that not everyone in Meghan’s family is American trailer trash.

prince-charles-camilla

Bow down to Camilla’s hat.

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Nothing will ever be funnier than a permanent scowl paired with a full-on lime green outfit. Her face says I hate everyone while her duds scream I’M READY FOR A SUMMER PARTY!

The wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, Pre-Ceremony, Windsor, Berkshire, UK - 19 May 2018

Both boys looking like dapper dans.

entranceThe wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, Ceremony, St George's Chapel, Windsor Castle, Berkshire, UK - 19 May 2018

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I’m not a monster, so I’ll allow Meghan to be on the best dressed list at her own wedding but please know that I found this dress to be incredibly boring. At the same time, she’s beautiful and could’ve worn a rag (which this basically is) and still looked great. Not to throw comparisons into the ring but Kate looked elegant on her wedding day but also jazzed it up with a lacy dress and some mermaid waves. My theory is that Meghan’s history of divorce and being a Hollywood starlet, on top of the fact that her family has pooped all over this wedding looking for publicity rocked the Royal traditions boat a little too  much so she scaled back the dress for compensation.

And here are some couple goals for ya, because these two are cute as shit together:

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If you haven’t quite gotten enough of my snarky commentary, feel free to peep my all of my thoughts tweeted live during the action below…you know before I decided to start this blog because church got boring.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette S14 – Ranking the Contestants

Becca

Listen, not only is this show slowly but surely going down the shitter but they’ve also apparently done away with the quirky questionnaire under each person’s photo. So you’ll have to excuse me if this blog seems meaner than previous ones because I have LITERALLY nothing to go off of but these stupid headshots and a very general cheesy game show contestant blurb about each person. How am I supposed to judge you and make fun of the very essence of your being if they’ve crafted a PR sentence about you instead of asking what your greatest fear is? Seriously ABC, make this MORE difficult for me to blog. They also did Becca WAY dirty in this picture. What’s with the lace blazer? Come on. If you’re gonna pound “Do the Damn Thing” into the ground as this season’s catch phrase than at least allow your lead to look like the babe that she is in her cast photos instead of a mom attending a board meeting.

If I may make a blanket statement, which I usually do without your permission, they led all casting calls at “professional” athlete/aspiring model camp in Florida. Let’s get the Floridians out of the way, shall we?

Trent, 28

Trent

This guy here moved TO Florida to pursue an acting career. Is this a thing that I’m unaware of? Is Florida the up and coming hotspot for models? Cause my first thought is the plot of Magic Mike and that’s not really the catalog work that Trent here is bragging about.

Jordan, 26

Jordan

Nope it’s really a thing. Jordan is ALSO a model in Florida and he likes to run when he’s not “posing for magazine shoots.” All of the eye rolls in the world.

Nick, 27

Nick

This weirdo refers to himself as a “weekend warrior” who can usually be seen in his “signature tracksuits” I hope for all of our eyes’ sake we never have to see this signature outfit.

Jean Blanc, 31

Jean Blanc

Bio schmooze-writer felt the need to list this entire guy’s resume of the places he’s lived and the schools he’s attended. None of this erases the fact that he lives in Florida and is a “Colognoisseur” AKA he collects colognes. LOSER.

Chris, 30

Chris

Chris wants to retire in his 40’s like the rest of his family. Make it far enough in this show and you’ll retire with InstaG money, sir.

Chase, 27

Chase

First of all Chase, work on your smile because this sinister look will give me nightmares forever. Second of all, Chase’s highlight reel consisted of all the sports he played in college. Congrats on being athletic when you were 18. No1currrrrs.

Connor, 25

Connor

And this here is your diamond in the rough from the Florida bunch. He’s cute, loves his fitness and apparently was a former pro baseball player. Could be nice eye candy but he’s a baby and there’s no way he’s ready for marriage. He’s this season’s Dean.

Christon, 31

Christon

And now we move into the athlete/former athlete portion of our program. Christon is a FORMER Harlem Globetrotter. So like he made a career of doing tricks on the basketball court. Now he’s a pro dunker. Do with that what you will.

Clay, 30

Clay

Clay is a pro football player but they’re not name dropping a team, which makes this 100% bullshit. Either he’s benched, injured, retired or whatever because there is no chance they’re tossing an active football player on a reality dating show. Also he has the widest head I’ve quite possibly ever seen. Unrelated, but needed to be noted.

Mike, 27

Mike

Mike is a sports analyst who, “loves festivals, horse racing and state fairs.” So Mike is a degenerate.

Garrett, 29

Garrett

This guy is weirdly obsessed with Chris Farley and can’t wait to show off his impression which most likely is cringeworthy. Fingers crossed it’s his limo entrance and Becca will want to burrow away from him immediately.

Blake, 28

Blake

Blake believes two people need to be completely independent in order to truly be in love. Hm.

Leo, 31

Leo

Leo is a stuntman and he’s been growing his hair for the past 10 years. Leo makes my skin crawl.

Ryan, 26

Ryan

Ryan plays the banjo and is super into his family banjo band and I literally said UGHHHH out loud as I read that. We don’t need someone jamming the banjo down our throats all season.

Lincoln, 26

Lincoln

This kid is Nigerian and was named after Abraham Lincoln. BRUH, YOU’RE NOT EVEN FROM THIS COUNTRY WHY THE HELL ARE YOU NAMED AFTER A US PRESIDENT?!

Jason, 29

Jason

“A successful banker with a heart of gold” God I hate this show. Seriously think of a more stupid sentence to describe someone. News flash Jason, we can tell you’re a banker by your dumb slicked Wall Street wannabe hairstyle. You look like Gordon Bombay trying to dress like the bhole Iceland coach. AND THAT IS NOT A COMPLIMENT. (Spoiler Alert: since CNY salivates at the notion of anyone with a tv crew in town, Syracuse.com already wrote an article a full 2 months ago about how this boner gets a hometown date. Makes me hate this show even more.)

David, 25

David

Speaking of stupid, here’s another successful business man. Because of course that’s how you describe a 25 year old. Also, he “loves avocado but hates guacamole.” A walking conundrum.

Darius, 26

Darius

D-Money lives a life of service so he’s charitable AF and probably won’t last long in this testosterone pissing contest.

John, 28

John

I fell asleep reading this guys’ bio and he looks like a dad.

Wills, 29

Wills

He seems cool but all we really know is that he’s into Harry Potter and has a plural first name.

Jake, 29

Jake

Jake’s a thrill seeker and into motocross. I was into that DCOM Motocrossed where the girl chops her hair short to compete with the boys and then falls in love with Riley Smith. Same thing, really.

Grant, 27

Grant

Again, nothing really special here. Apparently he’s sarcastic AF so maybe that’ll keep things fun or maybe it’ll be really annoying. Time will tell.

Rickey, 27

Rickey

I think Rickery Dickery Dock made an app or something for fitness but have you seen his bowtie game? Between that and the maroon jacket, he’s inched toward the top of the list.

Joe, 31

Joe

Tale as old as time, record breaking stockbroker turned grocery store owner. Joe didn’t have any true red flags and he’s pretty cute so here we are. If we’re being completely honest, in my notes I wrote “he’s fine” and starred him. So that’s where our standards lie now for contestant bios.

Christian, 28

Christian

This hombre is from Mexico and a semi-pro futbol player so that’s pretty spicy. Except that his occupation is banker. So clearly he wasn’t that good at footie. He probably just plays on a co-ed club team.

Kamil, 30

Kamil

Gotta rep my fellow upstate NY’ers (except for James) even though “social media participant” isn’t a career and if it was, I wouldn’t be unemployed right now…or ever. Kamil is from Poland and “dabbles in modeling.” I make my friends take pictures of me every weekend so I guess you could so I also dabble in modeling. Kammy and I have a ton in common and I’m pulling for him.

Colton, 26

Colton

Colton is dazzling but he’s probably not the winner. He’s another one of those former pro football players, forced to quit due to injury who is now dedicated to his charity work and loves spending time with his family. Sounds like the perfect man, but might be a little too young for the Beccster.

Alex, 31

Alex

Alex is the man Becca deserves according to my opinion alone. He’s a little older, a construction manager, loves his dog and listening to country music on his boat. Plus look at that cute smile. Alex & Becca 4eVeR.

As always, if I’ve chosen the one who gets kicked off the first night or turns out to be a crazy person I cannot be held liable as THEY GIVE US NO INFORMATION TO MAKE THESE PREDICTIONS OFF OF. Peep the full bios HERE and LET’S. DO. THE. DAMN. THING.

 

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JUice, Pop Culture

Weekly JUice

Week of May 7th, 2018

1. Taylor Tour Week.

Katy Perry Taylor Swift Credit: Taylor Swift/Instagram

Since Tay is the queen of self-promotion, she started a social media countdown to her tour where she revealed BTS deets each day on Insta Story. On the first day of her tour she showed the above snippet of an ACTUAL OLIVE BRANCH that Katy Perry sent her and apparently everything is gumdrops between those two now. KENYOUNOT, Katy? Can this “feud” forever be over and we never have to hear about it again?! I’m annoyed at both of them for playing this up for publicity. Speaking of, deets from the first show were released as they always are, and Taylor makes a long ass speech about being bullied by Kim Kardashian and the snake emoji before she sings Love Live (which is one of her worst songs, BTW) So cheers to a tour that I cannot afford because her cheapest tickets were $300 a piece and playing up the Kimmy/Katy feud for the rest of time. Do I sound bitter? Oh, that’s because I am.

reputationsnakereputation tour

2. New J.May.

I’ve had a hard stance on loving Continuum-era-John, where he was being a borderline racist and sexist pig in public appearances, but his music was hot fire flames at that time. Since then I’ve never really been all in on whatever he’s released. This easy listening with weird xylophone sounds in the background weren’t really doing it for me but I do like when he amps it up in the middle. I also can appreciate him wearing the hell out of that straight from the 90’s windbreaker.

3. New Selenaassss.

Selena Gomez dropped a new single to coincide with promoting season two of 13 Reasons Why. Can’t say I’ll be tuning in for that comeback since the first season was so depressing that I was basically messed up for a month after watching it. BUT I can say that I do love this new tune. I also happen to know the writer of this song from back in the college days, an opener for Eric Hutchinson in my school auditorium, so that’s pRETTY kewl. It’s also really fun to read headline after headline saying this new song is about Justin Bieber when I know for a FACT that Selena had no hand in writing this. So unless my pal (we follow each other on social media) Micah is hung up on the Biebz, I’m gonna have to say that’s false.

Update: 

Just scooping up relashe news like nobody’s biz. You heard it here first. The real story behind the music.

4. Jesse & The Mini Ripper

ISN’T THAT THE CUTEST THING YOU’VE EVER SEEEEEEN? False. This is:

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JK JK, lil Billy supporting the Rips and Danny and Becky looking on adoringly is as cute as it gets. Even cuter than two drunk adults wearing matching Jesse and the Rippers tees for a 90’s themed pub crawl. PLAY US OUT, JESS. (He can remake the video IRL now!)

5. Let’s Keep Making Fun of Kanye.

Look. you can tell when there’s not enough headlines to complete the JUice. I’m gonna be up front with you. It was a slow week. But I’m committed to the blog life and still wanted to give you new content. So here’s an SNL sketch from Saturday that makes fun of all the Kanyizzle tweets I posted a few weeks ago. For someone who never watches SNL anymore or looks at skits after they air, I felt like this was a good one to share. Cause the JUice revolves around Chrissy Teigen’s gumbo and if I was ever forced to stay quiet for any period of time you can guarantee I would be dead. Pooptydescooop, indeed.

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Pop Culture, Red Carpet

Met Gala Red Carpet 2018

Spring is in the air and Hollywood’s finest / youngest are gracing the Met red carpet in outrageous getups that narrowly relate to a central theme. What a time to be alive. Since last year’s “theme” was just a bunch of words in another language, it was a breath of fresh air that this year they just went with Catholicism. Probably the best theme I’ve seen thus far in the 4 years that I’ve been blogging this asshole fashion event. Peep below for headdresses and lace galore. And literal Jesus. No seriously, he resurrected to attend a Hollywood art/fashion event. And his name is also Jared Leto. Also, spoiler alert but nobody will ever top this look and that seems pretty obvious.

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NOW THAT’S HOW YOU DO CATHOLICISM. BOOM. CHURCHED.

WORST

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SRY for the small pics I had to rip these off of twitter. Much like Solange ripped this Hefty bag out of her trash can, blew air into it and tied it around her legs to look like 2 giant vulvas.

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MAHM LIFE.

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None of this screams Catholic to me.

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Kim looks good obviously, but you can’t tout yourself as a huge celeb then show up to a themed event wearing a gold gown with a cross sticker slapped on the front. Talk about mailing it in.

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Selz is really into the babydoll gown and it’s just not the most flattering. Especially when you pair it with what my hair looks like in high humidity and a brown spray tan. Yikes.

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Ya’ll know my thoughts on Zendaya. She consistently looks like a garbage can on the red carpet and I do not support it.

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Hate to do it to good ole Geeg but this doesn’t have a wow factor AND it’s not on theme.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination, Arrivals, New York, USA - 07 May 2018

Oh let’s just sew three completely different fabrics in different colors togets. Ok.

Heavenly Bodies: Fashion & The Catholic Imagination Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Sick block shoulders.

Heavenly Bodies: Fashion & The Catholic Imagination Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

IDK what the fahk is going on here but Frances has HAD her time to shine this awards szn. Cut the crap here.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination, Arrivals, New York, USA - 07 May 2018

There’s so many things that I can’t get on board with here. Clear stripper heels being the most prominent.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination, Arrivals, New York, USA - 07 May 2018

I’m starting a new trend of just respecting the hell out of the assholes who overcommit to the theme because it makes it more fun but I just cannot give Katy Perry any sort of credit. Everything she does is annoying and I refuse to give her props for this outfit. If ANYONE else wore it I’d be like that’s awesome. But it’s her. And therefore, NOTHIN.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination, Arrivals, New York, USA - 07 May 2018

I’m so perplexed by this? Are those cutouts over her boobs? And if so, why don’t we see nips? Also along the lines of Kimmy K, tossing a rosary on with your dress doesn’t make it Catholic.

Heavenly Bodies: Fashion & The Catholic Imagination Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Besides that skirt looking like a soft place to land for a nap, there’s nothing special about this outfit.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination, Arrivals, New York, USA - 07 May 2018

This photograph literally will give me nightmares for the rest of time. Which might be a nice change up from my nightly reoccurring dream that I find out I’m pregnant AND i’m in labor in the same day. Not a dream I would wish on anyone.

Heavenly Bodies: Fashion & The Catholic Imagination Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

WAITER.

Heavenly Bodies: Fashion & The Catholic Imagination Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

First of all, she just had a baby. There BETTER be spanx on under that dress or I’ll be pissed. Second of all, no FOREVER to 90’s small shades.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination, Arrivals, New York, USA - 07 May 2018

If this was a Michael Jackson tribute that would be fine.

Heavenly Bodies: Fashion & The Catholic Imagination Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

There must’ve been a bargain price on this circular headdress because 90% of the females there were wearing it. This look by “SZA” (is that a name?) didn’t impress. Mostly because the giant circles of tulle just chillin at her waist.

Heavenly Bodies: Fashion & The Catholic Imagination Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

If you’re old I would advise AGAINST the high pony.

Heavenly Bodies: Fashion & The Catholic Imagination Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

This was a big deal with the youths because apparently these two are on that show Riverdale and made their debut as a couple for this event but like the bigger deal is those hard flare crop gauchos on this guy.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination, Arrivals, New York, USA - 07 May 2018

Wasn’t she in that movie Letters to Juliet? Is this a costume from said movie?

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination, Arrivals, New York, USA - 07 May 2018

Amal’s so above Hollywood that she took “Catholicism” as Hawaiian floral pantsuit.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination, Arrivals, New York, USA - 07 May 2018

I was watching Kate walk the red carpet and get photographed and she kept rapidly blinking and creepily moving her head like a doll. It was beyond creepy. That’s all I see when I look at this outfit.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination, Arrivals, New York, USA - 07 May 2018

WHAT does neon blush have to do with anything. Also, sweet cherub chillin between your legs.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination, Arrivals, New York, USA - 07 May 2018

No comment. I put this one up just because I laughed at it so hard.

Heavenly Bodies: Fashion & The Catholic Imagination Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Cover your ass in the house of the Lord, Zoe.

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The mighty have fallen. They win my best dressed last year and this year can’t even hang. What’s with the slicked hair, Tommy? Or the knockoff Belle dress, Gisele?

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination, Arrivals, New York, USA - 07 May 2018

This is straight out of the Hunger Games. I kinda want those boots though.

BEST

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I mean…could there be a more spectacular sight? No. No there cannot.

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I’d like to first point out how great it is that SJP brings Andy Cohen consistently to red carpets instead of her husband. Especially because you KNOW Matthew Broderick wouldn’t put up with this shit. Girl is wearing a tabernacle on her head. And check out Andy’s sparkle loafs WOOOO buddy. Head to toe assholeness and I love it.

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I usually shit real hard on Madonna’s Met Gala looks but spin zone, she made the best dressed because she is literally covering her entire face and body and for that I approve wholeheartedly. It was also brought to my attention that she looks like the below character from a horror movie and that makes me laugh a lot. Entertainment value: high.

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I’ve never seen a white pantsuit get werked harder. See? I can appreciate a Kardash every once in a while.

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There has never been a more Jesus lookin celebrity on this earth and I’m so happy Jared was willing to play into it. Lana, stop trying to steal his spotlight with daggers hanging out of your chesticles.

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This is my favorite event every year because it’s the only one that drags these two trolls out of the closet, typically wearing dark cloaks. I live for the once a year glimpse and I’m actually surprised they’re not both holding cigs here.

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Didn’t see an overwhelming amount of men’s fashion shots so I gotta give the guys a little love here. Baller move to go white and gold with a cape.

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I said the last cape was a baller move but this is a REAL baller move to flash that rainbow flag right in the church’s grillpiece.

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DAYUMN.

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Yeah you dress up that pre-marital baby bump, grrrrll. GOD SEES THAT.

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Almost as creepy as Kate Bosworth but I dig this look a little more. Can’t explain why. Probably because I judge outfits immediately based on no fashion expertise whatsoever.

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Honestly this ombre wrap of tulle looks real comfy to lay down and take a nap in. Dual purpose, probably.

Heavenly Bodies: Fashion & The Catholic Imagination Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Not over the top but I’m digging the red and gold halo combo.

Heavenly Bodies: Fashion & The Catholic Imagination Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Gabs just wore a yellow gown. Hate that she pulled that move when there were a billion things to do with this theme, but can’t knock the fact that she looks like a total babe soda.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination, Arrivals, New York, USA - 07 May 2018

I just really love Michelle Williams and I think she looks good. That’s all.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination, Arrivals, New York, USA - 07 May 2018

As previously mentioned, I’m all in on the red and gold. I’m all OUT on Tats McGee in the background struttin her stuff.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination, Arrivals, New York, USA - 07 May 2018

HOW COOL IS THIS?! Sistine chapel ceiling ON YOUR GOWN. I’m obsessed.

Heavenly Bodies: Fashion & The Catholic Imagination Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

I can always get down with a hood up. One time when I was younger I wore my hood up around the house so much that my parents made a rule no hoods in the house (I was going through an emo phase.) Either way, I wish it happened now so that I could show them hoods are ACTUALLY high fashion.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination, Arrivals, New York, USA - 07 May 2018

This is how you tastefully tell everyone you’re an angel, KATY PERRY. Wear an actual halo.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination, Arrivals, New York, USA - 07 May 2018

Again, another superior example to Katy Perry’s disaster. Here’s some cool ass wings that don’t stand erect like you’re holding your own VS Fashion Show. Well done, Evan.

Heavenly Bodies: Fashion & The Catholic Imagination Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Sup.

Heavenly Bodies: Fashion & The Catholic Imagination Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

I think this is my favorite look of the night. She looks hot as hell.

Heavenly Bodies: Fashion & The Catholic Imagination Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

No clue what this has to do with the theme but I would one day like to be rich enough to have over the knee boots made to match my dress exactly.

Heavenly Bodies: Fashion & The Catholic Imagination Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

I like the dark lip and gold chainzzzz. Kind of Egyptian but whatever.

Heavenly Bodies: Fashion & The Catholic Imagination Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

OK YES. Can I borrow this for the impending Royal nuptials? I don’t see anything wrong with wearing this in my living room at 7AM as I watch the wedding on TV.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination, Arrivals, New York, USA - 07 May 2018

It says a lot about a person’s beauty if they can pull off blood tears and still look fab.

Heavenly Bodies: Fashion & The Catholic Imagination Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Another ignoring the theme but who cares because I’m rocking it sitch.

Heavenly Bodies: Fashion & The Catholic Imagination Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Last year Bella wore a see through jumpsuit. I like that she showed she has versatility and covered up for the man upstairs this year.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination, Arrivals, New York, USA - 07 May 2018

OBVIOUSLY the look of the night was RiRi coming as the actual Pope. Kills me every time I look at it. Especially with that mean mug. Like yeah I’m wearing the pope’s hat, my tits and my bits hanging out, with a pearl anklet. YOU WANNA FIGHT?

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/30/18

Great news everyone, we’ve made it to May, which is the month of ME so feel free to lavish me with compliments and gifts every single day for the next 31 days. Because as we all know, females don’t have a birth DAY, they have a birth MONTH and if you don’t acknowledge that you’re a garbage can human.

1. *NSYNC Mini Reunion.

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As we are all very aware, the last day of April brings the godforsaken Justin Timberlake It’s Gonna be May meme that floods the internet and everything thinks they’re original by posting it (kinda like the Miss Congeniality perfect date or Mean Girls October 3rd schtick) and unfortunately *NSYNC played RIGHT INTO IT by planning their Hollywood star ceremony for the same day. I’m going to politely ignore that part and focus on the fun stuff, like the fact that Justin is still clearly the number 1 bae of *NSYNC and you can tell they’re all over it, real hard. Or the fact that JC thought he could roll up looking like a dad whose trying to be trendy with surfer hair and RED BOOTS. JC. Come on. Even Chris and Joey look better than you because at least they embraced their oldness–Joey is literally wearing dad sneaks with his getup. Let it happen, bruh. No need to be tossing on red booties with your suit! Below are some of the speeches and a fairly boring game of Never Have I Ever where they basically lie and say they didn’t do anything when WE ALL KNOW that being a boy band superstar in your teens/early twenties meant that you certainly did a lot of bang, bang, bangity, banging. For now, feel free to place your bets on which spice girl JT smooched. My guess is Baby. NOW CAN WE PLEASE GET A REUNION SONG AND CORRELATING MUSIC VIDEO?! I’M BEGGING YOU.

2. XxXtina. 

Did anyone miss Xtina? Well she’s been on a casual 6 year hiatus from music. Her most recent claim to fame was a Whitney tribute at one of the award shows where everyone questioned what was going on with her face. Can confirm her face still looks weird but wouldn’t you know, everyone’s face looks weird when they’re lapping milk from a glass and trying to be sexy in a music video with MAD closeups on her mouth/tongue. This is her latest beat that is preeetttyy hard on the ears but she’s clearly going for the street cred by having two rappers featured on it that I assume are popular with the youths these days. To be completely honest I couldn’t even finish watching this music video. Once someone looks right into your soul and licks a glass of 2% then lets it drip down their chin, I have to just call it quits and never look back. Mazel to Xtina for giving me all of the uncomfies this week! PS do you think this song is about sex? LMK.

3. Miranda’s A Little Sleazy.

miranda

I think it’s time to address the elephant in the room that is Miranda Lambert’s love for infidelity. I wanted to ignore the rumors when her and Blake split because I’ve always been a fan of Miranda’s music and that she’s a total boss babe who wins all the awards and is better then most of the boys in country. I turned my ears off whenever anyone talked about her cheating and I hated Blake and Gwen on principle because they were flaunting their relationship too hard and I don’t appreciate an attention grabber post-divorce. I was firmly Team Miranda. Except now her music isn’t that great anymore, she’s kind of a stuck up bitch at awards shows and in the past two weeks she’s been outed HARD for being a cheatin skank. Her latest fling is with someone she toured with who is married and basically stayed out on tour with Miranda without telling his wife when he would be coming back and when he did return it was with some divorce papers. YIKES CITY. Obviously both parties are at fault here since both Miranda and Evan were in relationships when they began to “write music together.” Either way, NOT A GOOD LOOK. Blake had the below snarky tweet and Evan’s soon to be ex wife has been using Instagram story to talk shit and jam out to Before He Cheats. (Social media maturity at its finest)

So accept this as my official declaration that I am no longer #TeamMiranda and maybe she should take a little sabbatical from banging strange whilst otherwise in a relationship. Let the records also show that this does not make me Team Gwen/Blake. Because I still think those two are obnoxious. WE GET IT….OPPOSITES ATTRACT AND YOU LOVE EACH OTHER. Do it privately.

4. ASHLEE SIMPSON SHOW REBOOT.

ashlee

Word on the streets of trash tv, Ashlee Simpson and Evan Ross will be getting their own reality show. As an avid viewer of BOTH The Ashlee Simpson Show and Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica, I couldn’t be happier for this comeback to reality TV. T’s & P’s that they don’t have the Newlyweds curse (still holding out for a Nick and Jessica reunion though, never give up hope.) Apparently the show will center around Ashlee and Evan taking on the music biz together, which I strongly advise against but should make for entertaining telly. Maybe that little nugget of theirs Jagger will make guest appearances and she proved to be the cutest during Diana Ross’s AMA tribute.

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5. Blake Pulls a Tay.

Blake Lively took a page out of her bestie Tay’s book for promoting and cleared out her instagram, unfollowed everyone all in the name of promoting a new movie. Everyone crapped their pants, specifically because she unfollowed that hunk of a husband Ryan Reynolds, which typically means things are heading south but CHILL EVERYONE SHE JUST WANTS TICKET SALES TO GO UP FOR HER THRILLER WITH ANNA KENDRICK. Looks super weird. Can’t say I support erasing so many beautiful pics that I’ve posted on here and drooled over just for a little movie marketing, but who am I to judge. Who am I kidding. I’m Judge Judy here. Get your old insta back, Blake.

👋 … (SOUND UP!!!🔔🔊🔔🃏😁)

A post shared by Blake Lively (@blakelively) on

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/23/18

Sorry for the hiatus, but like, you can actually blame Hollywood for not having enough gossip for 5 headlines each week. I know you’ve missed me though so don’t you even fret. I’ll force five worthy stories if I have to.

1. Louis Arthur Charles.

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Obviously the biggest news in the past week has been the birth and then finally name of the latest royal beeb. They really held out on releasing the name until today, which seems pretty dumb considering there’s only like 5 options for a royal name based on family names. The real storyline here is how Kate looked like a total babe soda 5 minutes after giving birth. I can’t even imagine knowing that you’ll walk out of the hospital, post-pushing a human out of your vag, to a swarm of paparazzi and you have to look profesh AF because you’re a royal and the Queen will hate you if you don’t.

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Kate nailed it obviously. As she always does. She looked better than me on a good day by miles and that’s why she’s a Duchess and I am not. If I ever allow a child to destroy my downstairs, I will stay in the hospital unshowered the maximum amount of days allotted and then will spend the first months wearing leggings and oversized sweatshirts. Hell, I’m not even pregnant and I wear that exact outfit on a daily basis anyway, so really I’ll just maintain my current maternity style.

2. RIP Avicii. Another weekend tidbit of news but it also was just updated and confirmed that he took his own life. Sad news in the music world for everyone who likes a little WOMP WOMP in their tunes. The fact that he committed suicide at the age of 28 makes it real eerie. To distract from this depressing news, I will tell the tale of when his banger Levels came out and everyone on the planet played it 24/7 and acted as though they discovered EDM music. It became a running joke among my friend and I to just send each other a text or a tweet and be like omg have you heard that song Levels?! ITS SO GOOD. Unfortunately we can no longer make that joke without it being in bad taste. So instead, treat your ears to the masterpiece that is Levels and think of a 19 year old Julia fist pumping in a trashy homemade neon shirt that covered my shorts thus making it look like I decided not to wear pants at the Barstool Blackout Tour. I not only lost my fake ID (sorry Nikki) that night, I also lost a little piece of my dignity.

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3. Puppet Ed Returns.

I was curious to see how Ed could’ve made a music video out of the second most depressing song on Divide (Supermarket Flowers is obviously the first) and it turns out even though he used puppets, muppets and balloons, it’s still DEPRESSING AF. I think a single tear rolled down my cheek as (spoiler alert) his balloon lady floated away at the end. Damn, Ed. Guess he needed to bring everyone down a notch after Perfect swept the world as most romantic song ever and every young couple’s first dance song at their wedding.

4. Twitter Philosopher: Kanye West. That giant weirdo Kanye has decided to make his triumphant return to the Twitterverse to babble nonsense all hours of the day like he’s making proclamations, or according to him, writing a book in real time. Here’s a smattering of his best tweets to make you giggle to yourself or want to smash your head into your keyboard that this guy is famous and associated with those godforsaken Kardashians…and we’re all poors. He even dragged classy guy John Legend into the mix. No one is safe.

5a. The Sitch to get Hitched.

I’ve been really diving back into the world of Jersey Shore lately. Mostly because I’m back on that funemployment grind and MTV plays 12 hours of Jersey Shore a day. It’s a real eye opening experience to be watching this show as an adult because when it came out I was 18 and thought this crew was living the dream drinking on a boardwalk and working at a t-shirt shop and now I look back and see Snooki getting hammered with her sneaker slippers on in public and Ron/Sam beating each other up and I wonder where my priorities were as a teenager. Either way, obviously they’ve made a comeback as grownups with children still going to clubs in Miami and The Situation has marketed his engagement to the J.Shore fans. As I read the story and realized that this was his college girlfriend, they broke up when he was on the show and got back together afterward I TRULY wonder if she ever saw even one minute of this show because the Situation was disgusting. He was an asshole and he banged a new girl every single night and then probably kissed his muscles before he kicked them out of the smush room. TRUE LOVE PREVAILS I GUESS.

SHE SAID YES !!! 🙏🏻❤️ @lauren_pesce @usweekly

A post shared by Mike "The Situation"Sorrentino (@mikethesituation) on

5b. Sisterhood 3! Another preteen throwback for ya, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants is probably going to have a third movie because the whole gang of actresses are still BFF’s and Hollywood loves a sequel.

This is great news for me. As an avid reader of the series, I went into a depression for a whole week when Kostas knocked up another girl. DAMNIT KOSTAS YOU GREEK WHORE. I also tried to copy the traveling pants for a summer with my besties except it was a traveling jean skirt and MAN did it see some drama. Just kidding, I wore it on my family vacation and wrote FB in a heart near the pocket because I thought the ferry boy was cute. Should they make a movie about my wild summer in the traveling jean skirt? Most definitely, but I’m still looking forward to this third installment and will be there for it when it gets released.

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