Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor S22 – Ranking the Contestants

It’s that time of year again where I determine who I will hate with the fire of a thousand suns based on what dum dum answer they gave to pageant-esque interview questions or what made up job producers gave them.

bachgroup

I’m gonna be honest I think ABC realized that they needed to get their heads out of their asses and really step it up from the most hated bachelor and Whaboom guy, and finally decided to cut the crap. These women are old enough to begin considering marriage (if that’s what you’re looking for on this show), the majority of them seem to have stable jobs (whether made up or not) and have answered the questions like normal humans. Whoa. Let’s dive in. *I usually rank them worst to best but laziness got the best of me this year and I left them in alphabetical order. Sue me. (Pls don’t.)

Ali, 27, Personal Stylist.

ali

Super normal and pretty. Will probably make it far…or her love for Nickelback will get in the way. I mean, I get that it’s a joke to hate Nickelback but who actually consistently listens to them? I couldn’t even list 5 Nickelback songs.

Amber, 29, Business Owner.

amber

Held a python once because she wanted to be like Britney Spears at the VMA’s. Every girls’ dream.

Annaliese, 32, Event Designer.

annaliese

Can’t live without cheese, admires Chrissy Teigen and Miley Cyrus, wants to be a Disney princess. BASIC BETCHHHH ALERTTTTT. (Also try to convince me that Ali, Amber and Annaliese are not the same person. You can’t.)

Ashley, 25 Real Estate Agent.

ashley

Fave movie is Superbad so I dig her.

Becca K. 27, Publicist.

becca

5 things you can’t live without? “Chapstick, facial lotion, bobby pins, popcorn, and stamps.” I’m gonna need to know a little more about why homegirl cannot live without stamps. HOW OFTEN ARE YOU MAILING LETTERS? Are you a professional pen pal? Do tell.

Bekah M., Nanny.

bekah

This bitch won’t even provide her age and she kind of looks like Peter Pan in that photo so I’m out on her.

Bibiana, 30, Executive Assistant.

Bibiana

I think I have a raging girl crush on Bibz just from this pic. Even though she’s wearing a cami ala 8th grade dances, she still looks like a goddamn model. Then I start to read her bio and see that she’d love to be an orca whale — Free Willy is literally my favorite childhood movie and I’ve always wanted to be besties with an Orca while Will You Be There softly plays in the background AND her guilty pleasure is popping pimples. DON’T FEEL GUILTY, GURRRRLLLL. There’s nothing that compares to the joy I feel when I hear that snap of a pimple and the white pus oozes out. Did I just take that too far and gross all of you out? Probably. But I know my gurl Bibz would’ve appreciated that and that’s why I think maybe I should date her instead of Arie. If it wasn’t clear yet, she’s my fave. Official walk-up song:

Bri, 25, Sports Reporter.

Bri

Bri looks like a sports reporter and could stand to tone down her showgirl makeup a little bit. Also is she looking for a movie deal with this answer for greatest achievement to date: “Putting myself together after heartache and winning an Emmy!” So this will be her back story and that seems pretty obvious. What an obstacle to overcome.

Brittane J., 27, Marketing Manager.

Brittane

Let’s first address how she’s spelling her name. Come on. As I’m sure everyone in high school did, I would be pronouncing that shit Britt-ayne. Other than that name, nothing stands out about her. Every answer ties back to how much she wants to get married so apparently she’s the one who expects to find true love outta this instead of a bunch of new instaG followers. Keep the dream alive, Brittaaaaaayne.

Brittany T., 30, Tech Recruiter.

BrittanyT

 “Where do you meet guys? I don’t… jk. The past two I’ve met have been through dating apps and they’re terrible human beings.” PREACH, SISTA! Love a girl who can be honest. “Every guy I’ve met is a dirt bag. Thank you and goodnight.” At the same time though, if Tinder isn’t working, how do you know reality TV will be better? Hmmmm….

Caroline, 26, Realtor.

Caroline

Caroline also seems like a front runner. She puts on a mean Celine Dion concert in her car—she obviously hasn’t heard my sister and I bring the house down with It’s All Coming Back to Me Now, but whatever. She’d like to do a fake Hibachi birthday with Betty White, Ryan Reynolds & Vince Vaughn which seems like it could be a real rowdy crew. I bet Betty White can catch a flying chicken chunk AND would opt in for the sake shots. So all in all, she’s probs pretty kewl.

Chelsea, 29, Real Estate Exec Assistant.

Chelsea

Another real estate B in the game. Also shout out to Chelsea for really bringing through the pageant vibes with Do you prefer hot weather or cold weather and why? “My ideal weather would be mid-70’s sunny, with a slight breeze.” ALL YOU REALLY NEED IS A LIGHT JACKET!

perfect date

Jacqueline, 26, Research Coordinator.

jacqueline

J over here is this season’s nerdbomber. She’s trying to get a Ph.D. (had to google how to abbrev that) in chemical psychology, wants to build animal conservations in Africa or India or some shit and her career is the most important to her. I’m not knocking a career girl but in the past things don’t tend to pan out well for them. Color me shocked that a show where you “find your husband” could potentially kill your road to a Ph.D.

Jenna, 28, Social Media Manager.

jenna

Jenna broke her wrist on a mechanical bull and this gives me hard flashbacks to my sister’s bachelorette party where she took a spin on the ole bull, gracefully stepped off of it when she’d had enough and still managed to wear a soft cast for two weeks after because of the way she was holding the bull handles. LOLOLOL. Hopefully Jenna’s injury was more badass than that.

Jenny, 25, Graphic Designer. 

jenny

What are you most afraid of? “Picking the wrong person to marry.” Welp, Jenny. You’ve picked the wrong show.

Jessica, 26, Television Host.

jessica

Oh Jessica is a television host that clearly no one has heard of? I wonder what made her come on the Bachelor. EYE. ROLL. Our Canadian flavor this season, Jessica makes her country proud with this quote, “Kissing is my favorite food.” Goodbye, Jessica.

Kendall, 26, Creative Director.

kendall

Kendall is a weirdo. She’s weirder than the chicken obsessed freak from last season. I want to pick just one of her answers to focus on but honestly they’re all so baffling so let’s do a quick summary of them. Her spirit animal is a bat, she once drove a car off of a ramp and through the caboose of a moving train, her ex gave her an alligator hand holding an iron heart in a jar and she loooooved it. She’s looking for a guy that can survive a Zombie apocalypse and would one day like to go to a hedgehog cafe. I can’t with Kendall. Either she’s a pathological liar or she’ll be telling these loony ass stories on every date with Arie and that’s something I can’t handle.

Krystal, 29, Fitness Coach.

krystal

When asked how good of a cook she was she answered thebomb.com. Put your spatula where your mouth is, Krystal. That’s some confidence right there.

Lauren B., 25, Tech Salesperson.

laurenb

Nothing about Lauren B was exciting which gives me PTSD to the last Lauren B. who was a plain bagel. We shall see…

Lauren G., 26, Executive Recruiter.

laureng

The Lauren’s are really shaping out to be a boring bunch. She seems fine, wants purple hair, watches This is Us, would like to be Oprah. Who wouldn’t?

Lauren J., 33, Recent Masters Graduate.

laurenj

Out of the 4 Lauren’s, I’d place my bets on this one. Mostly because I laughed out loud at her guilty pleasure: “Eating full meals in bed. Like putting a legit body towel over me and ordering pizza – no plates needed.” I’ve eaten full meals in bed but I’ve never gotten to the level of needing a full towel covering my body. Damn, girl.

Lauren S., 31, Social Media Manager.

laurens

Alright, fine. This Lauren is alright too. Seems cool because she likes Taylor Swift’s squad and otters. I relate to her only having participation trophies for sports because I, too, am the opposite of athletic. I know…it may come across as a shocker because I seem SUH coordinated.

Maquel, 23, Photographer.

Maquel

Can we get a phonetic pronunciation of this name? Nothing else really stands out about lil Maquey, other than the fact that she’s a baby.

Marikh, 27, Restaurant Owner.

Marikh

Marikh here is a chef so girlfrand who described her cooking as bomb.com better RECOGNIZE. I hope they’re pitted against each other in a cooking date competition. You can tell I’m starting to nod off reading these bios when I create a cast feud before I’ve even seen the first episode.

Nysha, 30, Orthopedic Nurse.

Nysha

Nysha has a cross tattoo on her middle finger. I FEEL like this could be taken the wrong way. I do appreciate her approach on what fictional character she wishes she was because 90% of these biddies go for Disney princesses and she picked Mulan. My fave Disney movie. I mean, I’ll Make A Man Out of You was the best song ever written. Respect.

Olivia, 23, Marketing Associate.

Olivia

Olivia is too young for Arie. I’m sorry but I’m just gonna say it. After enduring a season full of widdle babies for old, skanky Nick Viall, I just cannot condone this. Plus her favorite book is 50 Shades of Grey. Congrats on graduating college and learning more about what you’d like sexually but that shouldn’t be ANYONE’s favorite book.

Seinne, 27, Commercial Real Estate Manager.

Seinne

Besides being another realtor and having a unique name that I don’t know how to pronounce, Seinne didn’t stand out to me. SAARRRYYY.

Tia, 26, Physical Therapist.

Tia

Best trip Tia’s ever been on was to a swingers resort in Cancun. Tia does sex stuff.

Valerie, 25, Server.

Valerie

Val’s greatest achievement was buying a house in downtown Nashville before she was 25, further hammering it home that servers make more than I do with a full time job with benefits. Let that sink in.

If you’d like to lull yourself to sleep, read full bios here.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/27/17

1. Every American Girl’s Dream Came True.

harrymeghan

ring

Remember when I announced that Meghan Markle and Prince Harry were dating and that everyone was taking a royal dump on it because she’s American and also half black? WELL GUESS WHAT, NOW SHE’S GONNA BE A ROYAL. I’m down with it. I was never against it. Was it a little sooner than I was expecting? Sure. But have you seen her stems? I don’t blame Harry one bit for locking that shit down.

wave

It’s funny that America always had this obsession with party boy Harry and who would tame him. I mean there was a literal trash ass reality show where they led Americans to believe they were dating Prince Harry just because they put an orangehead in a suit and had him take the girls on fancy dates. At the time I was like joke’s on all of you, Harry will never settle for a trailer-livin, reality show appearin, AMERICAN. Joke was on me, apparently. American is what he settled for. She’s living out every girl’s princess dreams and I applaud the hell out of her. Gear up for non-stop Heghan fever. (We’ll work on that.) We’ll follow them to every public appearance, analyze their hand holding, have apps to virtually try on her ring, all leading up to the royal wedding that will be bigger than all the awards shows combined. I CANNOT WAIIIIIIITTTTT.

 

2. PERFECT.

 Ed’s baller enough to call up ‘Yonce and be like wanna sing this beautiful song I’ve already released with me? And she’s like YUP. It’s even better now. I didn’t think it was possible but the magic of their two voices combining is like Fergie and Jesus. What a duet.

3. I’m still a Demi superfan.

I just wanted to remind everyone that I still think Demi is QUEEN and I’m loving everything that she’s doing lately. I already ship a good music video real hard but this one was especially gripping. WHAT A ROLLERCOASTER OF EMOTIONS. First thought, Jesse ❤ What a good pick…smokeshow city. Second thought, they look so beautiful together and they clearly have a good sex life. Then WHABOOM, I see we’ve taken a turn for the “this is gonna be forever or it’s gonna go down in flames” territory. One thing’s for certain though and that is mah gurl Demi looks flawle$$ on her fake wedding day. Could’ve done with less of the shitty acting, tbh. But it all played into the drama and I get it. Song also bangs, so that doesn’t hurt either.

4. Jersey Shore Rides Again.

Never thought that in 2018 we would still be watching self-proclaimed guidos dick around on vacation but then again what can we predict in Hollywood anymore? These washed up trash monsters are mostly settled down now…Snooki and JWoww are parents (yikes) which apparently means it’s time to get the gang back together. JShore when it first debuted was MAGIC. Angelina getting called a dirty little hamster by Pauly D was one of my favorite moments in TV history. Then by season 4 when they’re pulling in Snooki’s friends (from Poughkeepsie, NY) as part of the show it was like eh ok. That’s enough. Probably the only thing that entices me to tune in is that Sammi Sweetheart won’t be there to sob and scream RAWN, HOW DARE YOU?! over and over and over again. Count me in.

5. VS Show = Garbage.

ming xi

As you all know, every year I recap the VS Fashion show so that we can laugh at the fluff material they film with dumbass underwear models to fill that hour timeslot on CBS and also summarize which singer interacted with the models most awkwardly. Well you know what? This year was THE WORST. Not only did I get false confirmation that Taylor Swift would be performing, but instead of Tay they had Miguel and a jazz singer. MIGUEL. IN 2017. The last time we heard of Miguel it was because he had committed a murder right in front of our very eyes.

What a joke of entertainment selection. I couldn’t even get excited for Harry. Honestly. The only thing I will post about the show is the model who cockily flashed the dubz peace sign then proceeded to fly through the air and fall flat on her face. Most brutal thing I’ve ever seen is that they didn’t edit her fall out OR THE SOBBING that occurred afterward backstage. What a commitment to ruining this girls’ career and completely embarrassing her. Feel free to watch it back here.

 

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Music, Television

AMA’s Recap 2017

I often like to milk two blogs out of awards shows and even though barely anyone reads these recaps, I laugh at myself while writing them, and that’s truly what is most important. Here’s the top five things to take away from last night’s AMA’s, which packed a lot of good performances into an awards show that gives out fake awards to whoever shows up, basically.

1. Selena is OV-ER-RATED, clap, clap, clapclapclap.

Everyone was buzzing about her performance because she’s made it VERY WELL KNOWN that it was her only live performance of this year due to GETTING A NEW KIDNEY and everything. Well, it sucked. Real hard. She basically came onstage just to writhe around a car in a white nightie, covered in fake blood. Girl didn’t even attempt to lip sync. At one point I’m pretty sure she fell asleep on top of said car. If she didn’t, then I sure as hell did because it was a REAL snooze. Also, can everyone stop associating her Lupus/kidney surgery with everything that she does? She’s recovered. It’s not like she walked out of the hospital to give this performance and couldn’t dance too hard or else risk popping stitches. Chill on it. Notably absent from cheering her on, though? Biebs. He seems like a super supportive BF.

2.  Xtina is dead. Haven’t seen ole Xtina in a while (apparently people have forgotten how her last name is pronounced) and suddenly she’s doing a Whitney tribute and the only reason I knew it was really her was because she held her ear and waved her hand up and down when she did vocal riffs. Otherwise, who is this woman with Kylie Jenner lips and how did she get the honor of singing a Whit medley?

christinaxtina

Since we now know that it really was her…and that People is crediting “natural makeup” for her completely transformed face, it would be wrong of me to say that she didn’t crush it because she has a powerhouse voice. Even if Pink DID give her stank face. (lolzzzzzz firing up an old Lady Marmalade feud, what The Salty Ju does best)

Pink shocked face AMAs

Credit: ABC

3. Pink makes acrobats cool again. SPEAKING OF PINK, as soon as I heard “and Pink will be making history with a performance from the sky”, I audibly groaned. You guys KNOW how much I hated the played out ribbons performance. It’s like for 3 years that’s all she knew how to do at awards shows. Well I bit my tongue real quick because what followed was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. I mean she literally went face down off the side of a building while performing. I was getting naush just looking at it, so you have to be another level of badass to be like yup I’m staring at the ground 500 ft away from me and just crushing choreography and singing. She won the night and that’s pretty obvious.

4. Ashlee Simpson is back. 

ross fam

The Ross family was a focal point of the evening as Tracee Ellis Ross hosted and Diana Ross received a “you’re still alive and killin it” award, so obviously I was all about seeing how former punk rock princess Ashlee fit into this family dynamic. Turns out, her and that beautiful specimen Evan created one of the most adorable babies on this earth. During Diana’s performance the camera panned to her singing along and just living her damn life as a famous toddler. But then, as soon as she was pulled onstage at the end, she froze and pooped her diaper. Ashlee quickly turned into a stage mom dancing off to the side to get her kid to perform for the cameras and it was a real failure.

What a whirlwind of emotions it was keeping up with that family though. Props to her grandson who not only showed off his best dance moves right in Jagger’s grillpiece (stage fright doesn’t extend to all of the Ross children) but also jacked the mic to tell his grandma that he’s so proud and go off script giving every producer of this show a G-D heart attack. You da real MVP.

ross

5. WHO IS BTS? 

BTS

I legitimately had to google BTS after they flashed the camera to a bunch of Asians with the same haircut over and over again. The internet said these guys came out with their first single in 2013. TWO THOUSAND THIRTEEN?! I graduated college then. THAT WAS A LONG ASS TIME AGO. And they’re supposedly famous?! You shut your whore mouth. I patiently waited for them to take the stage to see what it is that they offered that would make them “mega international superstars.” Wanna know what they did? They had robot auto tune voices (I’m assuming this music was created in a studio just with a computer) that sang in a different language, and these matching mushroom cut boys danced to it. That was it. Girls knew the words and were legit in TEARS over this performance. WHAT AM I MISSING HERE?! WHAT HAS THIS WORLD COME TO?!

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Red Carpet

AMA’s Red Carpet 2017

I’m gonna be honest, the AMA’s are usually a hot pile of garbage trainwreck, but they really pulled their shit together this year with some good performances. Fashionwise, it was pretty much what you would expect from a bunch of young popstars.

WORST

2017 American Music Awards - Arrivals

If we’re now cool with people rolling down the red carpet in basically sweatpants then I’m out.

2017 American Music Awards - Arrivals

It became evident very quickly that the trend last night was for a skinny mini to wear the tightest, clingiest dress and make herself look like a cased sausage. This is Exhibit A. There were unfortunately about 100 others, leading to my friend and I to question if every single female was pregnant throughout the course of the show. Clean it up, ladies.

2017 American Music Awards - Arrivals

I’m really over this, “I just dunked myself in the ocean and showed up for this awards show” trend that Kimmy K unfortunately had to start for us.

2017 American Music Awards - Arrivals

Woofie.

2017 American Music Awards - Arrivals

You know hating on Nicole Kidman’s looks is what I do best. She looks like she could hop on a broom at a moment’s notice.

2017 American Music Awards - Arrivals

Pink looked A BAJILLION times better for both her performances so I gotta call bullshit on this one.

2017 American Music Awards - Arrivals

hailee-steinfeld-amas-outfit-changes

WET. Another case of someone who looked WAY better for their performance. Living for the glitz.

2017 American Music Awards - Arrivals

Just because you’re an icon does not mean you can wear Payless silver bedazzled cork-heeled sandals with this black mosquito netting monstrosity.

2017 American Music Awards - Arrivals

Shoutout to this year’s host who went from unflattering skintight number to a collection of some of the worst outfits I’ve ever seen, including one where her nips were out and another where she was wearing her weight in mismatched turquoise.

tracee-ellis-ross

BEST

2017 American Music Awards - Arrivals

I’m digging these bling AF boots. Really shakes up the boardroom blazer dress.

2017 American Music Awards - Arrivals

When does Lea not look good though?

2017 American Music Awards - Arrivals

Even though I just talked some shit on the “wet” look, this one is fine because it’s Jenna and she’s a babe soda.

2017 American Music Awards - Arrivals

As a recently bandwagoned Demi superfan, I approve.

2017 American Music Awards - Arrivals

Mah gurl Ashlee is making a comeback in this glitzy gown.

2017 American Music Awards - Arrivals

I’m torn here. Because Kelly doesn’t look the best she’s ever looked but she also doesn’t look the worst. Throwing her a bone here because I dig the dark lip and straight locks.

2017 American Music Awards - Arrivals

Selena’s trying out the bad girl thing. Whatever, we’ll allow it for now. She knows she can’t compete with Bad Girl Tay but dying her hair blonde, wearing a leather jacket as a dress and being back on that Bieber good good is getting her close enough.

2017 American Music Awards - Arrivals

What a stud. Check out that hair swoop.

2017 American Music Awards - Arrivals

Is there a particular reason why Nick is holding his junk?

2017 American Music Awards - Arrivals

Yaaasssss Niall!

 

 

 

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/13/17

1. Sexiest Man Alive Continues to be HOT GARBAGE.

blake

Look, I’ve been outraged by People’s choice for as long as I’ve had this blog. The first year I was so fired up that I wrote a whole blog dedicated to it. Now I’m just jaded. I’ve come to accept that Sexiest Man Alive is the biggest Hollywood hack job and I think it’s time that we move on and ignore People every year until they do away with this title. Because internet outrage is still attention for them and they love the shit out of that. Ignore them like the smelly kid at recess and show them that putting a country singer whose been around for 900 years and is most well known for hosting a reality singing show and gallivanting around with Ms. No Doubt DOES NOT DESERVE THE TITLE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE. #TeamMiranda4Lyfe

2. VS Fashion Show Lineup. Interesting marketing tactic for pulling in viewers to the annual “watch skinny girls strut around in comically over-sized wings to today’s pop hits”. Tossing together Taylor Swift, Katy Perry & Harry Styles. Obviously Tay & Hay had a past fling and Tay and Kay had a past feud. So, they’re trying to stir up some shit but in reality they probably are kept apart by publicists and each perform their own hit and that will be that. Does it make me a big lez if I’m more excited to see what “bad Tay” will don for lingerie considering her last appearance featured her wearing this:

tay-karlie

If so, then I’m AOK with that. Update: Just before I published, there’s a story being tossed around that Katy’s visa or whatever isn’t approved to perform at this show. Fingers crossed this is true. WE ALL KNOW WHO THE WEAK LINK IS HERE, GUYS.

3. Congrats on the Sex. HEY DID YOU GUYS KNOW THAT SARAH HYLAND AND WELLS ADAMS ARE DATING? Because once Halloween and that picture of the two of them dressed up as Stranger Things characters hit the airwaves it was like a floodgate in Sarah’s oversharing on social media tactic was opened and now we as the public are basically intimately a part of their relationship. They banter on twitter, they both post pictures almost daily & then she gets pissed at everyone for telling her that she’s oversharing. You know, normal stuff. I will say exactly what I said on my Reputation review…it’s fabulous that you’re happy but like THE KEY TO HAPPINESS IS NOT BARFING YOUR RELATIONSHIP ALL OVER SOCIAL MEDIA SO EVERYONE CAN COMMENT ON IT BECAUSE YOU’RE FAMOUS AND THEY THINK THEY KNOW YOU. End rant.

Two more reasons to smile again. My big🥄& furry🥄

A post shared by Sarah Hyland (@sarahhyland) on

4. Barf City, Population: Me.

Gee, thanks Nicki for making me barf uncontrollably all over my keyboard. That’s it. That’s all I got.

5. Tree Hill is not a place where everything’s better and everything’s safe. As a very public OTH superfan, it would be inapprops of me not to report the reason it became a highly discussed show this week… 5 years after it stopped airing. The latest on the long list of Hollywoood pervs is Marc Schwann, creator and showrunner of OTH, and current showrunner of equally as delicious trash teen TV show, The Royals. According to this letter that was released mid-week, Schwann sucks. Leading the charge were public feminists and whistleblowers Hilarie Burton (called out Ben Affleck REAL HARD for some boob grabbing) and Sophia Bush (calls out everyone, always). In summary–pls follow the tweets below for everyone’s commentary–a female writer spoke out against Marc, all the OTH girls got on a conference call and drafted a public letter, all the men tweeted their support, lead of The Royals speaks out, ladies of the Royals pen their own British version of the OTH letter, all the men tweet their support, Marc is suspended pending investigation & Elizbeth Hurley is like I’ve never been harassed once in my life, so IDK what’s going on. SAARRRYYY. My take on this from the many different stories that I read is that Marc is kinda an egomaniac douchenozzle in general. Kind of puts OTH and the Royals in an icky light though if he’s running shows about young kids and being a real cr33p. Since this is quite the hot button issue these days and I don’t want to come off as insensitive, I’ll just give out the information and you can do with it what you will. I know. Mark this moment in history as the only time I’ve held back my opinions so as not to stir the pot. HOWEVER, I WILL SAY…Grubbs the bartender made a statement of support and from Chad Michael Murray, THE MAIN CHARACTER OF THE ENTIRE SERIES? We got nothin. He retweeted something and that was that. YIIIIIKKES. #BurnLucasDownSIS

THE ROYALS:

 

 

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Music

Taylor Swift: Reputation

reputation

Everyone’s favorite feature is back! Not just every album gets The Salty Ju review, but if you’re Ed Sheeran or Taylor Swift, expect me to break it down track by track. As you’ve all had time to listen to Tay’s latest in full and form your own opinions, now it’s time to read mine! Also indirectly happy anniversary to me, as Taylor’s last album drop was the first blog I ever wrote, when I realized that I had a true calling for over-analyzing pop culture and making everyone read it. HAPPY TIMES ALL AROUND!

*’ed tracks are my bangers.

1. …Ready For It? Her second single off the album that I confused for a football promo song still bangs so hard. The video sucks, to be clear because I’m not really into robot stuff but I can appreciate Taylor coming into her own and singing all about sex stuff. There was some backlash at first that she’s trying to rap but I dig it. Gr8 pump up song all around. Bonus points for her sexy choreography while performing this live on SNL. She’s really doubling down on the “no longer a virg” image.

Best Lyric: Touch me, and you’ll never be alone

2. End Game (ft Ed Sheeran & Future)*. I was all set and ready to hate this song because Future is one of those new age rappers that basically just sounds like he’s got a dick in his mouth 24/7. There’s no enunciation and essentially it just sounds like a dying cat mouthing noises but I was pleasantly surprised because this is one of my favorites. Future is fine, Ed does what he does best (everything) and Taylor pulls a little hip hop flavor out of her ass getting me all sorts of riled up with her cocky shouting of BIG REPUTATION OHHHHH over and over again. I’m not saying I’m going to be going around screaming BIG REPUTATION all day erreday, but I’m not not saying it either. Ya know?

Best Lyric: I swear I don’t love the drama, it loves me. (Life motto, pretty much.)

3. I Did Something Bad*. This is right about the time that I realized Reputation Taylor = Thug Taylor and I’m all hands on deck for it. The gunshots, the ‘tude, it all comes together perfectly for bad grl vibez. Oh everyone’s gonna talk about how she plays the victim? Well joke’s on you cause Tay knows exactly what she’s doing and it feels SUH GUD. Don’t you even think about spending her change, bro. KEEP WALKING. Or she’ll drop you like a MF’er!

Best Lyric: If a man talks shit, then I owe him nothing / I don’t regret it one bit, ’cause he had it coming. BOOM. ROASTEDDDDDDD.

4. Don’t Blame Me. WHOA whaddup church, Tay. This is interesting. Not an immediate fave but I don’t hate it either. If I were to attend Sunday Mass, I would like this to be included…maybe during communion? The Body of Christ & “Lord save me, my drug is my baby.” Makes sense. Alright fine, now that I’ve typed that out it DOES seem a little dark. But like, if love doesn’t make you crazy then you’re not doing it right? RIGHT GUYS, RIGHT?! (this is how I imagine Taylor presenting this one to her BFF’s, with a table full of disapproving looks.)

Best Lyric: My name is whatever you decide / And I’m just gonna call you mine. RRrrrRrred Flag.

5. Delicate. If we’re going to speculate about who every single song is about (all of America) then this one is clearly about her current flame Joe. If I were Joe and I were listening to this song I’d be like woooo you were a bit crazy when we met. I don’t think there should ever be a circumstance where guys know what is going through a girl’s mind when you’re on your first few dates. I mean she’s literally like hey is it cool if I say that you can’t see any other girls and I’m obsessed with you? Is that kewl? You can tell she’s trying to be calm here by calling it delicate but like just can’t quite reign in the visions of forever after grabbing drinks with him & probably having an adult sleepover one night.

Best Lyric: My reputation’s never been worse, so / You must like me for me…

6. Look What You Made Me Do. Original reaction: Oh ok, we’re doing theater music with those fairy dust opening piano bars without words. Aaaand just kidding now I’m terrified. YIKES this is creepy. And THEN to top it all off, we get talking Tay, as she tends to do to amp up the drama:

“I’m sorry, the old Taylor can’t come to the phone right now.”

“Why?”

“Oh ’cause she’s dead!”

OH SHITTTTtTTTTTtTtTTT

So yeah. First listen was a rollercoaster of emotions (most of them hate). But you know what? It’s just Tay being Tay. And I’m here for it. Obviously Taylor Swift is dramatic AF and acts like a G-D thirteen year old, which really caters to her preteen fans but like if you expected anything less at this point then you’re wrong. She’s going to capitalize on every feud/breakup, act like the victim, then write a sassy tell all song about it and that’s a fact, Jack. Get on board or get off of this planet. H8ers will be bumping this by next week. Today’s Take: I still agree with everything I said. Chorus isn’t great but the rest of this song is awesome sauce & the video was GOAT…made me love it a BILLION times more.

Best Lyric: OBVIOUSLY ‘Oh, cause she’s dead!’ And it isn’t even a question.

7. So It Goes…* Another sexy jam, which has become quite the trend for late twenties T. She’s really embracing her sultry side and I respect the hell out of it. I could see her writing this right around the time she was creating promo sex songs for the 50 Shades franchise with Zayn. Except instead of whips and handcuffs, she’s just into wearing her man like a necklace and maybe some light back scratching.

Best Lyric: You know I’m not a bad girl, but I / Do bad things with you (Told you I was ALL IN on old, innocent Taylor being dead.)

8. Gorgeous. Original reaction: Alright, I’m out. I mean it was bound to happen. If you’re going to release three songs from your probably only 13 track album (just release the whole damn thing already) I knew there was a chance I was going to hate one of them and here we are. Going from singing about sex in Ready For It.. to you’re too gorgeous for me and I’ll just get drunk and go home to my cats. Really Tay?! Grow up. This is 100% a song for her preteen superfans and I’m just far too mature for it, honestly. Everyone’s saying it’s about her new boyfriend Joe Alwyn who is not the type of gorgeous that you write a song about his face. (“Cause you’re so gorgeous it actually hurts”) Scott Eastwood? Sure. This guy:

joe-alwyn

Not so much.

PS GTFO of here with adding children into a song. This isn’t Kidz Bop. Today’s take: the kidz bop intro was actually recorded by none other than Blake Lively & Ryan Reynolds’ curly-headed nugget James. I still hate it. But like damn it that’s pretty awesome. Famous people doin famous people stuff.

Best Lyric: Ocean blue eyes looking in mine / I feel like I might sink and drown and die. So dramats.

9. Getaway Car. This one has Swifties all up in arms because everyone needs to know exactly what her dating timeline is between Calvin, Tom and Joe. They did some creepy amounts of digging and came to the conclusion that everything went down at the Met Gala when Taylor had that HIDEOUS bleach blonde bob. How a girl dies her hair that aggressively and has 3 men fawning over her at a costume ball is the real puzzle here. I’d like a song about that scenario instead. ALLEGEDLY, at the Met Gala, Taylor was fighting with Calvin and things weren’t going superb, then she danced the night away with Tom and also was gazing all up in Joe’s baby blues or something. Who knows. All I know is that this is classic catchy pop. One of the few songs that gives me real 1989 vibes.

Best Lyric: But you weren’t thinkin’ / And I was just drinkin’. Get it grrrlll.

10. King of my Heart. Again, very obviously an ode to her British as shit boyfriend. This song kind of annoys me to be honest. First of all, we’re getting a REAL overload of this Joe character. It’s great that you’re happy, girl. But after staying completely out of the spotlight with this one–probably giving it a real shot, it seems like a counter-productive move to then write all of your personal thoughts and feels about him into a full album of songs. Second of all, how she pronounces Jaguars makes me want to bang my head against a wall repeatedly. It doesn’t sound cool, it sounds stupid. This will most likely be a skip from me, dawg. THIRD OF ALL, too much auto-tune.

Best Lyric: With all these nights we’re spending / Up on the roof with a school girl crush / Drinking beer out of plastic cups. Stars & Brits, they’re just like us! Drinking out of red solo cups.

11. Dancing with Our Hands Tied. This is fun, if it’s fun to basically say you’re in a relationship that’s for sure going to fail. Kind of depressing when you think about it. Hey baby, let’s keep dancing but also this will go down in flames if we stop. Yiiiiikes.

Best Lyric: I’m a mess, but I’m the mess that you wanted

12. Dress. Another scandal in the eve and a crowd favorite for a lot of her fans but I’m just lukewarm to this one. It definitely has some breathy (somewhat orgasmic) Wildest Dreams callbacks. If I’m going to pick a sex song fave from this album, I’m going So It Goes… all the way, every day. This one’s nice and all but I guess it just do it for me like it does for Taylor judging by those sound effects she’s huffing throughout the song. Ever think about how awkward that must be to record with probably a handful of old audio techs breaking down every little sound?

Best Lyric: Flashback when you met me / Your buzzcut and my hair bleached / Even in my worst times, you could see the best of me. (If her and Joe could make it through two atrocious hairstyles, they can make it through anything.)

13. This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things*. Should she probably let the Kanye feud go already? Yeah. BUT WHO CARES IF SHE KEEPS WRITING BANGERS ABOUT IT. I mean this is genius. Literally spanking Kim and Kanye through lyrics and creating an anthem at the same damn time. That’s how it’s done. Where has Kanye even been lately? Definitely not living like Gatsby. How cocky is it to compare yourself to Gatsby and have everyone be like well yeah, makes sense. I mean have you seen pics from her casual 4th of July bangers at her Rhode Island mansion? WHAT a boss. Suck a D, K & K. Extra props for the entire bridge riffing off of Kanye’s “Runaway” song. That’s true dissing in art form.

Best Lyric: The cackle. Can we count the cackle as a lyric because it is downright hilarious. Other than that… But I’m not the only friend you’ve lost lately / If only you weren’t so shady. HAHAHAHAHA JAY-Z HATES YOU GUYS TOO!

14. Call It What You Want. Original reaction: I’m down with this little love song. Cause in case you didn’t hear, Taylor’s in love. And she doesn’t need to flaunt it around. Unless she’s writing a song about it. Or like, doing very public dates with Tom Hiddleston (which I still think was all bullshit but that’s neither here nor there.) Anyway, she’s real up front about being chill as hell now: “All the liars are calling me one, Nobody’s heard from me for months, I’m doing better than I ever was, ’cause” CAUSE SHE’S IN LOOOOOOOOVE. Today’s Take: The more that I listen to this song, the more I like it. It’s just a simple love song, no frills. The ONLY bone I have to pick with it is comparing her boyfriend to a brother. Trust is important but dropping a bro comparison into the mix is a little odd for romance. It’s like comparing your sig other to your dad or something. Too far.

Best Lyric: I want to wear his initial on a chain round my neck / Chain round my neck / Not because he owns me / But ’cause he really knows me (Modern day romance…this will 100% be a new trend.)

15. New Year’s Day*. This song gives me all of the chills. And I love that it’s the last song because it should stick with listeners the most after all the womp womps and badass sassy Tay fades. It’s true T. Swift and dare I say it, the most like All Too Well–not that anything will ever compare. Nothing but a little piano playing and some lovely words about a relationship that lasts through the party. Sigh. So sweet. It’s almost like Taylor knows how to warm this icy cold heart of mine and end the album in tears.

Best Lyric: Hold onto the memories and they will hold onto you.

Overall Opinion: Even though her sound is much different and more pop & hip hop influenced, the core of Taylor, which is her boss songwriting skills. She could be rapping right at my face but if her lyrics are still top dog, then I’m down. She’s maturing her storytelling (except for Gorgeous) and I support it wholeheartedly.

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Red Carpet

CMA’s Red Carpet 2017

Here it is! Country’s biggest night!* I always can appreciate a good country awards show because the men are usually the fashion risk-takers here. Oscars, Globes & Grammys? A guy is daring if he wears a colored suit. Country music though is where a man can don a sparkly blazer paired with a 10-gallon cowboy hat. Game respects game.

*This week.

WORST.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

This dress is fine. The color is good with her red locks and everything but the cutouts are really bothering me. I feel like that trend ended and if it didn’t then it should have because it makes the skinniest people look fat. Nobody wants to see skin flapping out of a geometric cutout.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

I honestly have no words for this.I know these clowns always dress like this but I just can’t.

Cam

This frock is all sorts of Victorian ugly. Sry, Cam.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

I KNOW I KNOW. Carrie doesn’t belong on worst dressed because she is gorge and can do no wrong but like COME ON. THIS DRESS SUCKS. It’s not flattering and I would like the ruffle sleeves to be gone forever.

Chase Bryant

My eye was immediately drawn to the vagina looking creation patterned across his arms and I’m not sorry bout it. If you’re going to adorn a jacket with feathers, make them look like feathers and not the inside of someone’s lady bits.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Well that’s a look. Gold Maître D’ jacket with crock boots.

51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals, Nashville, USA - 08 Nov 2017

Giving me some real Hocus Pocus vibes. We’re past BoooOOooOoooK season now, Karen. Pilgrims are this month’s theme.

Kellie Pickler

SEAAAAAAAAAAAAWEeeEEEEEEEEEEd dress.

51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Props to the MOST perfect mermaid waves but this dress stinks.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

I’ve never tried to hide my general dislike for Maren but she’s now giving me the most reasons to scoff. What on God’s green earth is happening here? Head to toe.

51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals, Nashville, USA - 08 Nov 2017

Oh alright, now we’re doing open-sequined-80’s workout onesies? COUNT ME OUT.

51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals, Nashville, USA - 08 Nov 2017

Goodbye.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

I just feel very strongly that there should be an age limit on leather pants for men.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

These two are hippies. That’s their thing. I get it. It’s just not for everyone. They pull it off, don’t get me wrong. But not for me, ya know?

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

This dress shape is overwhelming in a weird way. Brad looks gr8 though.

BEST.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Swooooooooooooooon.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

I’m pretty sure these two wear the same colors and variation of these suits everywhere but it works, so whatevs.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

This is a fash risk that I’m down with. Understated glamour in this suit. Well done, Dustin.

Faith Hill, Tim McGraw

I mean they don’t get the King and Queen of country title just by chance. Red lip matches his red leatha. These two are flawless.

51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

I don’t think I realized that JJD was QUITE this preggers already but here we go. Loving the red and she still looks like a babe soda.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

One of my favorite dresses of the night.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Another suit that’s crushing the understated sparkle game. Casj and fance all at once.

Lea Michele

Cough, cough, Carrie should’ve worn this.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

These two are like teeth whitening spokespeople. Get on that, Crest.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

PRETTY PRETTY PRINCESS!

Niall Horan

That’s a Harry pose if I’ve ever seen one. What a cutie. I just wanna pinch his little cheeks!

Pink, Willow Sage Hart

THIS IS SO STINKIN’ PRECIOUS.

51st CMA Awards - Arrivals

Reebz with that hourglass fig! Get it, grrrrl.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

I will not for a second hide my obsession with these two childhood sweethearts. Also, Lauren is crushing the dark lip.

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