Music, Pop Culture, Red Carpet

AMA’s Red Carpet 2019

I just returned from a European vacay, and in true asshole “I’ve traveled abroad” fashion, I went to Price Chopper and bought myself a whole baguette as a casj snack to pretend I don’t actually live in the trashhole that is America. Why am I telling you this? Well, because I settled in to judge the AMA’s red carpet looks with an ENTIRE charcuterie board and bottle of rosé, just by myself. There was not a snack left in sight within 20 mins of the show starting. This is the kind of qualifications I bear to pinpoint when people look bad or sound bad at awards shows. Who better to cast stones than someone who skipped the gym and ate olives, bread, meats and cheeses for dinner in sweatpants. KEEP IT COMIN, HOLLYWOOD AND I’LL KEEP JUDGING.

But enough about me, let’s briefly recap the highlights of the show. Selena SOMEHOW nabbed the opening performance and dear lord did she make everyone question that. Selena has been MIA for 2 years (in rehab & recovering from Justin Bieber dumping her again and getting married 5 minutes later to someone he wasn’t even dating at the time) and tonight was her big comeback singing her two most recent singles about getting over that Biebz good good. Unfortunately she’s delivering burns to JB by singing “you sang off key in my chorus” while SINGING OFF KEY. Her voice was beyond bad. Like I sing karaoke better than her bad. On top of that, she barely moved her body for the dance number. Really mailed it in all around and that was the kickoff to the AMA’s.

Then we got Camila & Shawn still not smooching–at this point are they even dating if they don’t tongue each other onstage? Taylor’s audience SHOCKED faces (enough of this already) and then her Artist of the Decade medley where the ONLY shade she threw was toward Selena by not including her in the besties “Shake It Off” portion of her performance. Do you think Tay sat her down and was like look, I know we’re BFF’s but your voice stinks and I only want good singers onstage with me? Cause I do. But seriously where was the Big Machine drama? Starting off by singing The Man with a white lab coat with all of your Big Machine records listed on it with a bunch of 5 year olds was not dramatic enough for me and I was v. disappointed. Other than that, Halsey’s paint ball performance was cool as hell and Shania and her leopard men brought down the hizzouse as the grand finale.

WORST

Screen Shot 2019-11-24 at 7.00.16 PM

We flew too close to the sun with Halsey’s red carpet looks, guys. She was 2/2 and I knew she couldn’t pull a trifecta. I hoped she would but here we are. Hailing from another planet, red hair rectangles glued on top of her head, eyebrows ceasing to exist & rainbow eyes. The dress isn’t the worst thing I’ve ever seen her wear but it’s not GREAT EITHER. GAWD, HALSEY.

Screen Shot 2019-11-24 at 7.03.53 PM

Great color but can’t exactly get on board with the Shaq-sized sports jacket and hard flare pants.

Screen Shot 2019-11-24 at 7.05.13 PM

Lizzo is an orange cupcake. Don’t do ruffles, girl. Just don’t. Shout out to her purse tho–wonder if she’s holding Will Ferrell’s cell phone in that.

willferrell

Screen Shot 2019-11-24 at 7.07.32 PM

I’m being very honest when I say that one look at Kesha’s hair here made me want to puke. Those bangs look like they are plastered to her forehead. Also she’s wearing a robe.

Screen Shot 2019-11-24 at 7.57.34 PM

Gaga isn’t here so Xtina thought she would step up to the plate in her absence. No one should ever have block shoulders.

Screen Shot 2019-11-24 at 8.04.32 PM

Heidi out here dressing like it’s the VS Fashion Show. Is she wearing the fantasy bra?!?!

Screen Shot 2019-11-24 at 8.05.22 PM

This is such a Tyra outfit that I almost burst out laughing when I saw it. America’s Next Top Model Tyra showing us how to smize while also dressed like a slutty Panama Jack.

Screen Shot 2019-11-24 at 8.07.13 PM

I’m sorry but I don’t get Billie Eilish. She whisper sings and stares at the camera with voodoo eyes and dresses only in baggy bad 90’s trends. I DON’T GET IT. EXPLAIN IT TO ME, YOUTHS.

Screen Shot 2019-11-24 at 8.09.23 PM

KETCHUP & MUSTARD.

Screen Shot 2019-11-24 at 8.10.37 PM

I will not support these sneakers.

Screen Shot 2019-11-24 at 7.00.41 PM

Bad prom dress alert.

Screen Shot 2019-11-24 at 7.04.43 PM

I think we all know at this point that I was just put on this earth to roast Diplo’s country western act.

Screen Shot 2019-11-24 at 7.58.42 PM

Can we hook up this goober with Billie? They can wear his and hers plaid outfits and just make sounds at each other because that sums up both of their singing careers.

Screen Shot 2019-11-24 at 7.06.00 PM

This was a tough call for me as I love purple AND teal but sometimes you’ve gotta be the baaaaaad guy (see, I’m cool sometimes, Billie) and tell Shawn Mendes to put his chesties away. It’s way too much. Dial it back on putting the pecs on display at a family event.

Screen Shot 2019-11-24 at 7.06.50 PM

H O L Y BooBZ.  Y’all know I don’t like boobage and she’s serving a whole lot of it here. Plus I feel like maybe she should’ve sat this one out.

BEST

Screen Shot 2019-11-24 at 7.01.58 PM

Shania is poppin that hourglass figure and I respect the hell out of the fact that not only did she just come back from the dead for this awards show, but she also decided to wear her hair in the classic, pile it on top of your head because you don’t want to deal with it style. Left a little tail though, just in case.

Screen Shot 2019-11-24 at 7.02.59 PM

Screen Shot 2019-11-24 at 7.03.32 PM

 I guess I’m really into the olds tonight but sometimes when you keep it tight and rock classic black, you deserve a nod.

Screen Shot 2019-11-24 at 7.06.27 PM

DAMNIT THESE TWO ARE CUTE AND COLOR COORDINATED.

Screen Shot 2019-11-24 at 7.07.12 PM

The men really showed up tonight with classy and unique suits.

Screen Shot 2019-11-24 at 7.08.23 PM

Pains me to do this because Nick Viall is such a fame-sucking wiener, but God I love this jacket color.

Screen Shot 2019-11-24 at 7.08.44 PM

I keep going back and forth on this. On the one hand, this looks genuinely uncomfortable and like she might pierce her boobs with sharp tin with a sudden movement. On the other hand, SHINY.

Screen Shot 2019-11-24 at 7.59.51 PM

Gr8 color choice for Jenna who already looks v. pregs.

Screen Shot 2019-11-24 at 8.00.10 PM

This is adorbsicles and also they both look fab.

Screen Shot 2019-11-24 at 8.00.34 PM

BAAAAAABE SOOOOOOODA.

Screen Shot 2019-11-24 at 8.01.02 PM

 

Screen Shot 2019-11-24 at 8.05.59 PM

Love me some purple and I love me some Carrie’s stems.

Screen Shot 2019-11-24 at 8.07.45 PM

Camila going for the woodland *possibly nude* fairy look.

Screen Shot 2019-11-24 at 8.08.36 PM

I ate too much bread and my brain has gone to sleep so I can’t even find something clever and catchy to say about these two. They look like smokeshows. That is all.

Screen Shot 2019-11-24 at 8.12.50 PM

We’ve reached the part of the evening where I hate something so much that I come right back around again and like it ironically. This getup is giving me Lisa Frank vibez. I feel like he could have a purple dolphin on his pants and it would still fit in.

Screen Shot 2019-11-24 at 8.13.08 PM

This also applies to that theory. I had a friend in college who used to rock pigtail buns and I was so jelly that they looked cute on her because when I did them I looked like a real idiot. Constance is really puling off the PB’s and lace-up dress.

Screen Shot 2019-11-24 at 8.03.09 PM

KWEEN.

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/11/19

1. Sexiest Man Alive.

johnlegend

I know that I once wrote a very heated takedown of People for their shitty choices in Sexiest Man Alive, based solely on the fact that they’ve never crowned Ryan Gosling but over the years, my anger has simmered because obviously this whole thing is rigged anyway. I’m ok with John Legend. I don’t feel triggered or slighted. I feel like he’s a lovable character who has talent out the wazoo and looks like someone you might want to cuddle with, so sure, let’s call him sexy. What I don’t feel GREAT about is that Chrissy Teigen’s twitter antics probably pulled more weight with this nomination than anything else. Everyone knows she likes to get fired up on twitter and come at people. She’s the hot, dirty-mouthed sassy B wife to John’s gentle and tender doe of a personality. I don’t doubt for a second that the higher up’s at People were like what will create buzz? Someone with a mouthy wife on social media that everyone thinks is hilarious. And boy did she have us all eating out of the palm of her hand. Poppin offfff on Twitter. And for that, I’m like eh I might be out. It’s overplayed. We get it. You’re unfiltered. So am I. People don’t think I’m that funny either. And I recognize that. (See #5 where I show you that people on Twitter like very unfunny things.)

 

2a. Combat. She’s Ready For Combat.

Tay has assembled a Swift army. LITERALLY. Like how baller do you have to be to just write a note on social media that gears thousands of fans up for combat for your music from a bunch of mean ole music industry bullies. If you haven’t kept abreast of the music drama, Tay left her record label, the head then partnered with Scooter Braun and told her that they owned everything she wrote while signed with that record label. Which was like her entire career leading up to this album. She called them out, Justin Bieber made fun of her then she announced she’d be re-recording all her old songs so that they’re hers again. We all forgot this happened. Cut to last night when she releases this manifesto and suddenly THEY’RE NOT LETTING HER PERFORM ANY OF HER MATERIAL?! UH, UH HONAY. I worship at the ground of awards shows and if she’s not allowed to perform the hits, I will RIOT. Apparently, so will everyone else. Here’s all her buds stepping up on social media for her.

camilahalseytodrick

Naturally, Big Machine released a statement that if I may paraphrase here, said: Nah, she’s lyin. And like honestly after what happened with Kim/Kanye and Taylor before, do you THINK SHE’S GONNA CALL SOMEONE OUT LIKE THIS IF SHE DOESN’T HAVE PROOF?! So I’m waiting with baited breath for her to pull out those receipts y’all.

2b. Collaborashawn.

Taylor’s having a real big week. She deserved a two-parter here. Technically 3 if we want to recognize her new song for Cats as well, which we do not. That movie looks creepy as hell. Out of everything on Lover, the title track seems to be the most TAY and most unique. She wrote the whole thing by herself and it’s ooooooooooobviously about her plain bagel of a boyfriend. So when she dropped this remix this week I was real perplexed. Seems like the last one she would want someone to re-write and collab on but hey, it’s her world, we’re all just living in it. Although it doesn’t hold a candle to the original, I’m a fan of Shawn’s smooth vocals and I think it’s nice enough to give a cool gurl head nod. To say his portion of the song is a love letter to Camila is a little TOO much. Let’s pump the brakes, they’ve been dating like 5 minutes. I don’t think he’d really wanna go down with the Titanic for her. Leo tried that one time and it really backfired for him.

3. Demi’s New Mans

View this post on Instagram

My ❤️…

A post shared by Demi Lovato (@ddlovato) on

Always a Demi stan, I’ve been rooting for her to keep it together ever since her overdose a little over a year ago now. I worry about her and like to see that she’s doing well–you know–by what she chooses to show me on social media because unfortunately she doesn’t text me on the reg like JLo does. There were some rumors that she was getting after a Bachelorette contestant, but those are squashed now that she’s made this public coupling with this cotton candy colored hair jabroni. Apparently he’s a model. He also posted a pic on his account so YOU KNOW IT’S REAL. And if you can’t already tell from my tone, I do not approve. Girl’s got too much going on to focus on a relashe right now. And that’s my completely unsolicited and unwelcome relationship advice for this week.

View this post on Instagram

My Love🥰

A post shared by 🌴 LA🌴 (@austingwilson) on

4. I’m Confused.

Screen Shot 2019-11-14 at 10.08.45 PMScreen Shot 2019-11-14 at 10.09.09 PM

I lied. I got more unwelcome bits for these two ladies. I saw this article on People earlier this week shouting out Selena and her BFF Julia Michaels. Apparently they’re on a real hot streak lately of Bff’in. They performed together, Selena just attended Julia’s 90’s themed birthday bash and now they’ve gotten matching tats of arrows that point to each other when they hold hands. And People is like aren’t they just the cutest besties you’ve ever seen? No. No they are not. Name one pair of friends who kiss on the lips and get hand holding matching tattoos. NAME ONE. I got very passionate about this super casj article considering we are HOT OFF THE HEELS of Miley and Katelyn. Those two are smooching all over the joint and they’re having a lez fling, these two are basically doing the same thing and they’re just BFF goals. WHERE IS THE LINE, HOLLYWOOD?! I really really don’t understand it. Someone explain it to me because I have never once, nor will I ever smooch a friend on the lips. Am I doing friendships wrong? Pls advise.

5. Twitter is Garbage.

I watched the CMA’s on Wednesday  (blogged the red carpet) and got a Halsey boner, so I sent out a very PG, unfunny tweet into the twittersphere, giving props to the performance, which I encourage you to watch below:

My tweet went viral–well viral for someone who gets maximum 6 likes on a tweet. In fact, I’m still gaining new followers and getting action on this tweet and it’s more than 24 hours later. Here is my stupid ass tweet.

I’d just like to let all of my new “fans” and followers know, that I think I’m hilarious. And I spend a significant amount of time crafting the perfect tweets as if I’m writing a punchline for my own well-attended Netflix stand up special. AND THIS IS THE ONE YOU MF’ERS RECOGNIZE?! FOR REAL? I used to live-tweet every awards show like I was being paid to do it and NOTHIN. Never recognized for my obvious talent. Now all the sudden I say I ❤ Halsey and everyone’s coming out of the woodwork. I guess that’s the power of Halsey. Now I know what the Chainsmokers feel like. Outshined by a gal from Jersey. So if you’ve stumbled upon my rarely-viewed blog because I tweeted about Halsey, WELCOME. I am here to entertain and make you laugh and if you don’t think I’m funny then get the hell out of here because I only like to interact with people who pump my tires like my co-workers who all told me I kill it on Twitter. Shout out to them for perpetrating the biggest Twitter head I’ve ever had. Also today’s my half birthday and my Venmo is open for monetary gifts to celebrate the occasion of being 6 months closer to the impending doom of thirty. That may seem abrupt and unrelated, but if you peep my tweet about it from last year below: you’ll see that I brought it full circle by pointing out yet another funny tweet that has one measly like. And also, I still genuinely don’t know how old I am. PLUS I’m trying to capitalize on my new following. So I’m not THAT dumb.

Standard
Music, Red Carpet, Television

CMA Awards Red Carpet 2019

Honestly forgot the CMA Awards were last night because I’m poor as dirt and had to cancel my cable subscription, but happy to report I stole someone else’s so that I could still tune in to get in touch with my country roots and hear Reba perform Fancy for the 6 millionth time because that song came out BEFORE I WAS EVEN BORN. Way to stay current, CMA’s. FTR, they also trucked Dolly Parton (another host) out to bring Nashville to the house of the Lord and sing a bunch of songs about good ole G-O-D. I get that both Rebz and Dolly are basically country royalty but like…why.  And since I came hot at Reba & Dolly (sorry, not sorry) I will also make up for it by saying that the performance of Girl Crush by up-and-coming female country stars was great. AND my favorite performance of the night was Lady Antebellum and Halsey doing a medley of What If I Never Get Over You and Graveyard. It was something I never would have expected and they crushed it. All of the claps in the world for when Halsey just busts out that kickass angel voice with no theatrics or weird dominatrix dance routines. ANYWHO. Y’all know country red carpets are the BEST to judge because some people go glam, some people go white trash and black country singers find a way to mix both and I’m really hoping they stop that soon. It’s not racist if I’m just making an observation. BLACK COUNTRY SINGERS DO NOT NEED AN ADDITIONAL REASON TO STAND OUT.  LOOK TO DARIUS RUCKER AS YOUR GUIDING LIGHT. Ok. Here we go.

WORST

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 8.28.52 PM

Oh, Trish. Gurlfran. Leopard print–Great. Zebra print–horribly unflattering. An important lesson in animal print for us all.

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 8.29.26 PM

Remembs 15 years ago when Gretchen Wilson came out with Redneck Woman? Guess she’s still stickin to that mantra real hard with this outfit that I can only assume a middle-aged mom from the midwest would wear to a club in NYC thinking she’s a real housewife. One swift move and we all see Gretchen’s redneck hooha.

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 8.30.13 PM

No clue who this is, I just needed to bring this horrendous monstrosity of an outfit into the light. That’s one way to embrace the jumpsuit trend. Certainly can’t miss it!

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 8.30.46 PM

I honestly don’t even know what garbage is sprinkled all over Nicole’s dress but it looks like a kid’s arts and crafts project. Also lolerskates to Keith’s platforms, always.

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 8.31.49 PM

Hate to see it, but I feel like Reese just popped out of the movie poster for Sweet Home Alabama and I also feel like the trends of the early 2000’s should never be revisited.

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 8.34.17 PM

I recently dipped my toe in the trendy hat game, and I am very sensitive and would hate it if anyone laughed out loud at my hat. That being said, I laughed out loud at Colton’s hat. And really his whole outfit in general. I feel like he googled “NBA stars trendy” and came up with this outfit. Cassie looks fine but unfortunately when you hitch your cart to a fashion overachiever for a boyfriend, you might just end up on a worst dressed list. Dem’s da breaks.

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 8.34.39 PM

No one should ever wear head to toe white. Not even on your wedding day.

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 8.35.03 PM

UGHHHHHHHHHH I’m so over Kacey trying to be campy western forever.

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 8.36.30 PM

Ok, then.

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 8.37.01 PM

I’m a Decker fan through and through but I’ve seen both of them knock it out of the park on a red carpet and this is not it. Just trying to keep it real & challenge my crushes to constantly impress me with their fashion choices. Don’t mail it in next time, GUYS.

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 8.44.04 PM

You work out or something? BOOoOOOOOooOOOO.

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 8.48.00 PM

I feel like Kristin is constantly dressing for Broadway and maybe sometimes she could just roll up in a simple party dress and take it doooown a notch.

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 8.52.07 PM

I MEAN COME ON.

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 8.57.35 PM

I get the feeling RaeLynn thinks she’s actually Marilyn Monroe. Someone keep an eye on her wellbeing.

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 9.00.09 PM

I didn’t do my research (shocking to no one) and probably will sound ignorant but like, haven’t females in country music been busting through those glass ceilings left and right in the past few years? I feel like it’s the era of female country and thus this statement cape is ill-timed. Also Jennifer Nettles rubs me the wrong way and always has. Double also, if you’re going to go for a bold statement, actually spell out the F word and show you’re a real one.

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 9.05.47 PM

BLECH. What is happening here. Also now that she’s preggers, what will happen to her constantly having her entire body on display at every awards show? STAY TUNED.

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 9.08.42 PM

I lost it when I saw this poop suit and the straight SASS in which she’s posing it up. Confidence through the roof for a suede browtfit.

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 9.09.42 PM

Had to toss in your typical country boy who shows a little glamour for shits and giggles.

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 9.12.01 PM

How are we not seeing nipple here?

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 9.09.03 PM

Sometimes the double leg slit just weirds me out and looks like a panel that covers your bits. I’m probably being picky as hell but the more I looked at this, the less I liked it. And that’s why I have a blog that no one reads.

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 8.53.49 PM

This does not strike me as an awards dress and also I’m just still mad at Miranda for constantly stealing everyone’s husbands.

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 8.57.59 PM

I guess we’re really hitting the females in country theme home this year by bringing two of them back from beyond the grave to host with Carrie. Pains me to say it but none of these looks are blowing me away. Obviously the show contains several outfit changes, most of them during Reba’s performance of Fancy, but we’re just judging red carpet here and EHHHHH.

BEST

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 8.31.15 PM

I can totes get down with the constellation sprinkle on Jake’s jacket and his lady love looks like a real babe too.

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 8.32.30 PM

I’m loving the color coordination here and apparently I have a thing for stars this week because I’m all in on Mrs. Dierks whole dark magic vibez.

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 8.32.58 PM

Another couple that I hold to high standards because they always bring it for awards shows and I’ve definitely seen Lauren in better dresses but I’m not completely coldhearted and I’m not about to toss an entire family on the worst dressed. So basically their cute ass kids saved them here. I DO love Thomas’s polka dot look and really wish he performed Up instead of his song about how everyone gets old and dies. But whatevs.

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 8.33.37 PM

HEART EYES EMOJI. Mah gurl is 2 for 2 in recent red carpets lookin like the dime piece I know she is. I love classy Halsey and I need more of her in my life. Fingers crossed she keeps it up for the AMA’s.

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 8.35.29 PM

What a classic look for a real country hottie who does the opposite of Thomas Rhett and sings that grandpas never die. Real hot take. Also this is the part where I shamelessly bring it back to myself because I met him and I got to watch someone sneak into his meet & greet and give him a hat with Albany, NY on it that she specifically bought for him and it was v. cringeworthy. Plus I belong on a red carpet for my sassy pony (may it rest in peace ever since my tragic visit to Supercuts 2 weeks ago.)

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 9.59.06 PM

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 8.37.44 PM

Bros lookin sharp.

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 8.41.28 PM

Sheryl Crow can be tossed into the pool of never-aging Hollywood greats.

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 8.42.01 PM

Again, I feel real uncomfy with shitting on kids fashion so shoutout to Pink & Carey and their minis really embracing the country theme. If we’re being real honest, I think I like both kids attires more than Pink’s burnt orange look.

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 8.42.44 PM

Daaaayummmmmn.

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 8.43.23 PM

This outfit & pose slayed me. From top to bottom: the protective goggle sunglasses, the HARD finger gunz, a Burberry-esque trench, the leather messenger bag like he’s going to class in 1998 and the “hiking” boots that American Eagle for SURE sold when I was in high school. SO MANY THINGS HAPPENING AT ONCE. And props to Blanco for committing to the bit and pulling the winner’s name out of his messenger bag later in the night.

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 8.44.31 PM

YAAASSS LEOPARD KWEENS!!!! Cough cough, this is how you safari, Trisha, COUGH.

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 8.45.24 PM

It appears as though Hil is wearing a waist trainer and probably ceased to breathe all evening, but she looks GR8.

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 8.45.53 PM

Sara Evans is approaching 50 and LOOK AT THOSE DAMN LEGS.

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 8.46.39 PM

I ain’t even mad that she mixed all of the animal prints because it nicely breaks up the zoot suit riot that is the rest of her group.

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 8.47.32 PM

I was actually so ready to shit all over this wet blanket (for those of you who didn’t see her run on the Bachelor, the nickname fits) but we all know I have a real weak spot for yellow.

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 8.56.31 PM

I love that this is not revealing at all and yet the rainbow makes it fun and fresh.

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 9.04.32 PM

Walker’s loafers look a little geeky but I’m diggin’ wifey’s dress.

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 9.06.56 PM

I’m pretty sure this is the only red of the evening and gurl is werking it.

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 9.07.25 PM

I know it’s not fair to give my favorite look of the night honor to someone who doesn’t even belong at an awards show but holy shit this is my favorite look of the night. Own those fifteen minutes and appear wherever they ask you to if they keep dressing you up like this, honey.

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 9.10.26 PM

What a cutie this fella is! Looking dapper with a dash of mountainman beard.

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 9.13.53 PM

Honestly I’ve seen like 4 people in Hollywood rock this silk PJ’s look now and I really just want a pair of these pants REAL bad. They look comfy AF.

Screen Shot 2019-11-13 at 9.15.07 PM

Ending on another high note of me shoving a picture of myself with someone famous enough to walk a red carpet right in your grillpiece. Tenille is adorable, makes polka dots look good and is also super nice and complimented my leopard pants. Because as you know, complimenting me will get you everywhere. Those are the rules. I didn’t write them. (JK, I totes did.)

pospKpzyTwa1bOI0QCZnxQ

 

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/23/2019

1. The Year of JLo.

If you feel like you’ve been hearing about JLo a lot lately it’s because she’s killin tha game. She’s 50, went on a world tour to celebrate herself turning 50, threw herself a star-studded birthday bash that I slobbered all over HERE, maintains the body of a 25 year old, got engaged to her “macho” ARod, starred in Hustlers, walked the Versace runway in her iconic boobalicious dress–this time with her legs fully on display and now she’s gonna do the damn Super Bowl Halftime show. I mean seriously. It’s not like she ever really stopped being a Bo$$ bitch, but this has definitely been a big year for Jenny formerly from tha block. And if you can’t already tell, I’m living for it. I mean I literally entered a contest a few weeks ago to win a trip to Montreal to be her date for the Hustlers premiere. It was basically just a marketing ploy to be added into the newest form of spam emails–in text form. But at the same time now when my phone buzzes and it says Jennifer Lopez, I look cool as hell.

Also I kid you not, as I was typing this I got a text from Jen telling me to hit up her new perfume pop up in NYC. Like chill gurl, I already have plans for tonight. (This is what rock bottom looks like if anyone’s wondering.) In continuing my JLo biggest fan parade, I saw Hustlers the other night and after her intro strip scene I literally had to mop up the drool that had collected on the movie theater floor. I understood immediately why there was a gentleman behind me who was there by himself. I also wished I wasn’t sitting so close to him. ANYWAY, back to the Super bowl, which I’m so jazzed about. It’ll feature Shakira as well and my friend Kat and I were just wondering what had happened to Shakira and Enrique Iglesias when I was telling her those were my two favorite CD’s in rotation growing up (I’ve always had hispanic flair, apparently.) So basically by Kat and I talking about Shakira (shout out Laundry Service), we brought her career back. Since it’s a Miami event, unfortunately it’s pretty much guaranteed that they’ll drag out ole Mr. Miami himself so he can shout dalé and MISTA WORLDWIDE a bunch of times. Ugh. Hopefully the gals will do a lot of booty shakin during baldie’s cameo to make up for it. Either way I’ll be cheering my homegirl on from the couch in my finest (faux) fur.

jlo

 

2. Stars Are Just Like Us.

Resident Hollywood Kewl Grl Jennifer Lawrence is getting married and has decided to partner with Amazon to help inspire future brides with a registry. At first I thought she released her actual wedding registry and was looking for these things and the public could just send her wedding gifts. That got me all sorts of triggered because if you’ll see below at some options, you’ll understand why I wondered WHY THE F AN A-LIST CELEBRITY IS ASKING FOR WINE GLASSES AND AN ADAPTER.

weddingregistry1weddingregistry2

Once I calmed down, I realized she’s being PAID BY AMAZON TO SUGGEST COMMONER THINGS FOR A WEDDING REGISTRY. She’s monetizing being a bride. Oh reeeeealllyyyy, Jennifer, you travel a lot for work and recommend this CASHMERE TRAVEL SET? GTFO of my face with that. Do us all a favor and copy your BFF Amy Schumer and do a surprise wedding with your closest friends like only celebrities can do. I BETTER NOT SEE YOU WITH A PEOPLE COVER STORY TELLING US WHAT DJ YOU RECOMMEND FOR YOUR NUPTIALS. click here for her full stupid ass registry.

3. Sit Down, Demi.

insideout

I guess I’m all sorts of fired up this week because this also made me mad online. Demi has written a memoir and is now on a press tour promoting it. Normal Hollywood stuff except that she’s been out of the Hollywood limelight for a very significant amount of time and now she wants to stomp on back through and shit all over Ashton Kutcher. NOT ON MY WATCH, DEMI. Some of her more click-bait headlines from the book include having a miscarriage while dating Ashton for only a few months, having a threesome because Ashton wanted to, and Ashton cheating on her and using the threesome as an excuse for cheating. Obviously, the way that Hollywood works, Ashton would’ve had a head’s up about all of this coming out so he’s prepared to deal with it. What REALLY fired me up though was when Demi went on Ellen and was basically blaming Ashton for her alcoholism. She also had the balls to be like I’m not attacking anyone, I’m just telling my story. Oh. Ok, Demi. So you’re going to say you started drinking because you thought Ashton wanted a cool girlfriend who could drink–when you were already 10+ years sober and rather than being like actually I can’t drink because I’m an alcoholic, you decided to throw that all away to be what you thought he wanted? AND THEN SAY IT WAS HIS FAULT?! COME OnnnnnnNNNNNNnnnnNNNNNN. She told a story of him posting a picture of her passed out on the toilet and called it shaming. In the words of my sister, “LIKE MAYBE DON’T GET SO DRUNK AND PUKE IN A TOILET IF YOU DON’T WANT IT PHOTOGRAPHED.” She also added that her husband has taken many drunk and embarrassing photos of her and she’s not gonna cry and write a book about it. I can vouch for this because one time Nikki and I went to Dollar Thursday Night at the Syracuse Sky Chiefs game–a phenomenal summer staple (now ruined…probably because of us) where all beers and hot dogs were $1. We got trashed then came home and reheated Olive Garden breadsticks and ate them on her kitchen floor. I took a photoshoot of her posing on her floor with the foil breadsticks bag in her mouth like the calendar girl that she is and uploaded that shit RIGHT to Facebook. So honestly Demi, a pic of you passed out is NOTHIN. Cut the shit. #TeamAshton. Also, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that Mila didn’t die her hair because of Demi’s tell all. So let’s relax with that.

mila

4. Diplo <3’s the JoBros

Remembs when Sophie and Joe got married after the BBMA’s and Diplo live streamed it and I was jelly because I’ve always wanted to be casually a part of celebrity stuff like that? Well apparently they didn’t want him to do that and now it’s turned into a giant joke kind of like Diplo’s fashion sense. Here’s a new collab between the two that doesn’t stink. Plus it shows that the Jonas Brothers actually have a bunch of personalities, which I would not have guessed from seeing them in concert. What is hilarious, is that Diplo is trying his hand at “country” by using his real name. This is apparently one of his country songs. Someone get back to me on which part of this song is country music.

5. Hot Girl Fall.

Since I introduced y’all to Hot Girl Summer–the anthem that allows girls to hoe out and attribute it to a season, I felt that it was important to also share Hot Girl Fall. Cause bitches love fall, and I love that Megan Thee Stallion is playing right into basic betches everywhere. Get it, girl. Although I won’t be celebrating fall just yet because beach season lives on until the first snowfall in my mind, maybe I’ll mix in a pumpkin ass beer this weekend in honor of theeeee stallion.

Standard
Red Carpet, Television

Emmys 2019 Red Carpet

Since I cut cable out of my life in the middle of summer when none of my shows were on and it wasn’t awards season yet, obviously last night was a real wake up call. I had to work the hardest to steal cable from my wealthier family members and then the app closed out during every commercial break so basically what I’m trying to say is appreciate this awards season content extra from my poor ass cause the struggle is R E A L.

WORST

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 6.59.12 PM

I mean, without fail, every time, we get a salsa dancer emoji on the red carpet. Props to this gal for being it.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.00.02 PM

This is a glittery garbage bag.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.02.28 PM

I’m so perplexed by this. Was the top an accident? Did they take the hem off of the bottom and then just bunch it up and toss it over her head like a bib?

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.02.50 PM

I wanted to be on board with this but it’s just too many things at once. Erect Ciny Lou-Who hair, ruffled top, wide belt/tuxedo jacket waist, cape, hard flares….WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN. Pick one of these things. ONE.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.05.34 PM

Ugh this is SUCH a Dawson Leery tryhard outfit. Barf all over me.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.07.06 PM

The Emmys isn’t really the time to try punk rocker chic, plz see yourself to an Avril Lavigne concert, Jenny.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.08.16 PM

I’m sorry. I can’t get on board with brown anything. This is a poop suit.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.29.54 PM

This chick came about 2 years late to the Met Gala “Catholicism” theme.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.30.44 PM

Holy boobs.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.32.03 PM

Ah, a classic outfit for when the seasons are changing. Cold shoulder for a little sun on the left, long sleeve on the right because it’s chilly in the mornings. Oh and why not just slap a pair of pants on underneath? Convenient.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.58.18 PM

80’s prom dress, clap, clap, clapclapclap.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.03.58 PM

I don’t need to see clear from your chin to your panty line or lack thereof.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.00.16 PM

I can get down with a good jumpsuit but I’ve already expressed my disdain with the gaucho style pant leg coming back and if I CAN’T FIND YOUR FEET, YOUR PANTS ARE DOING TOO MUCH.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.00.47 PM

The good news is we’re not staring directly at Alex’s erect nipples in a silk dress this year. The bad news is she still doesn’t look great.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.04.26 PM

Meh. After making Four Weddings and a Funeral appointment TV every Wednesday night, I wanted more from our gurl Maya. This also feels like a prom look.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.04.46 PM

Fine dress to wear to a backyard wedding, not an awards show.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.05.43 PM

Also feel let down by the new J.Law cool girl, Sophie. This dress is essentially the same color as her skin and it’s really not doing anything for me.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.34.27 PM

Wooooooof this bright purple does not go well with her transparent skin color.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.35.47 PM

Only these two a-holes would OVERDRESS for an awards show that they have no business being at. Also quick shout out to them presenting the best reality TV Emmy and having the crowd BURST out laughing at “our family knows how to make good TV just by being ourselves.” And these sweet, sweet idiots were confused when everyone started laughing. CUT TO THE NOMINEES, QUICK.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.36.39 PM

Again with the odd shapes just tossed on top. Is that a cape as a top? How does it stay up?!

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.01.44 PM

I love this color and her hair and pink lip but does the top piece not look like a saggy bikini top? It’s like Christina Long Boobs Applegate up in HERE.

BEST

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 6.58.55 PM

I was all set to make a Free Willy joke at first glance on this outfit but honestly she’s pulling killer whale chic OFF. And Eugene looks sharp as well.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.00.43 PM

WHAT A PASTEL DREAM. I die for this color.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.01.41 PM

I like both of these colors together. God, I sound like Taylor Swift now with Synesthesia but for realz I dig. Plus a jazzy plaid done right.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.01.58 PM

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.03.32 PM

B2B Pretty Princess ‘fits

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.03.54 PM

Oh Shit, Ray-J.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.05.04 PM

Classic

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.05.55 PM

Don’t really understand how she manages to appear at every red carpet ever but we all know how I feel about yellow this year as evident by my Gold Old Navy heels that I bought on clearance in July and have worn literally every single day since. Fun fact: yellow goes with everything. Says me.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.07.22 PM

Sterling perpetually looks fresh to death.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.27.03 PM

Everyone’s slobbering all over this actress because everyone’s slobbering over Fleabag. I haven’t seen it but she’s crushing in this woodland fairy angel dress.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.28.56 PM

Token blue suit that I drool over.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.29.27 PM

Normally I would dump all over this outfit because I don’t support ladies who attend a classy event with their areolas one deep breath away from busting free, but this is Mandy Moore we’re talking about here and she’s basically an American treasure. She’s got some sassy curls and she’s giving us good leg and for that I’m willing to overlook the near nip slip.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.30.18 PM

Suspenders thing is kinda wierd but this cooooooolooooooorrrr

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.32.47 PM

I would give my left tit for perfect ombre’d mermaid waves like these.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.33.15 PM

Can’t go wrong with a basic black gown.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.58.38 PM

JLD is such a babe soda.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.59.01 PM

Great color and style for Sandra.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.01.10 PM

One of many pink/red combo deals and I liked them all. Yes they’re all essentially the same exact dress accentuating different body parts but I’m here for it.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.06.08 PM

I WANT THESE SPARKLE PANTS.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.07.00 PM

There was obviously a two-for-one special on this fabric. I wonder if stylists get fired when they pull this move and put several A-listers in essentially the same dress. Someone let me know. I live for the drama.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.07.23 PM

YaAaAaaAsssSssss Kweeeeeen. (it’s past my bedtime so now I’m just reverting to basic bitch cliche phrases but honestly this really sums up how I feel about this outfit anyway.)

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.10.40 PM

He’s still a creepster but at least he dresses ON POINT.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.21.30 PM

Another nod to the fashionable gents representin’

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.21.52 PM

YELLOW. And this style is supes flattering on Busy & helps to distract from her cotton candy hurrr.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.22.34 PM

This is kind of a risky look for Michelle Williams who usually wears solid color classic cut gowns. She looks beautiful as always.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.23.16 PM

HOT PINK GET IT GURL.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.24.42 PM

My sister texted me yesterday and said she made about 12 leopard print purchases in TJ Maxx and wore one of them around the store while she was shopping. And I replied that if my entire wardrobe could consist of leopard and camo print, I could die happy. Something tells me Bonnie gets us.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.33.46 PM

Zendaya gets the two syllable dAYYY-UmmNNN of the evening. I mean how could she not?

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.34.52 PM

What a disco ball!

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.03.15 PM

YES YES YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES!!!!! THE ONLY REASON HALSEY ISN’T MY FAVORITE LOOK OF THE NIGHT IS BECAUSE I FELT LIKE I SHOULD GIVE IT TO SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY IS A TV STAR, BUUUUUT, CAN I JUST SAY SHE MUST BE READING MY BLOG? I HAVE HARPED ON HALSEY FOOOOORRRREEEVVERRRR ABOUT HOW PRETTY SHE IS AND SHE DRESSES LIKE A HOEBOT AND SHE DELIIIIIIIIVERED FOR THE EMMYS. (ALSO SANG A PHENOM COVER OF TIME AFTER TIME) ANYWAY BACK TO THIS CLASSY AND BEAUTIFUL DRESS AND IT’S MY FAVORITE COLOR AND HER HAIR IS NATURAL AND PRETTY AND HER MAKEUP IS MINIMAL BECAUSE SHE DON’T NEED NO MAKEUP AND OK I’LL STOP SHOUTING. IT’S LIKE I JUST WANT TO SCREAM IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS THAT HALSEY IS A BEAUT AND I LOVE HER. THE END.

FAVE LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.59.23 PM

At first I just thought this was unique and cool, a shiny striped dress. Then I saw her take the stage and it’s all intricate beading. Making it 100x cooler. A lot of great looks tonight but this was by far my favorite.

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of September 9, 2019

1. Nope.

Remember when I pointed and laughed at Shawn Mendes’ butterfly tat and told him to get his shit together? This is not what I meant. In the tween world (and adults who still act like tweens cough cough me) Shawn and Camila dating is the talk of the town. They’re both hot and young and their song Seniorita is steamy as hell. They performed it at the VMA’s and teased a kiss but did NOT deliver and after an entire song with Camila grinding all over Shawn and getting close to his face just to pull away, do we think he had to do a waistband tuck? 100% yes. Well I have to do the opposite of a waistband tuck after this video. They’re trying to be funny and cute. I get it. But rip my eyeballs out because this is neither funny nor cute, it’s just watching two celebs slobber all over each other in HD. Want to see what it looks like to see a girl probe her tongue directly up her boyfriend’s nose? LOOK NO FURTHER THAN THIS CLIP. If you’re into that sort of thing. Guess Shawn doesn’t need a tissue when he has his girl to clean up all the boogers with one swift tongue punch. HEY IF I HAD TO SEE IT, YOU ALL HAVE TO SEE IT AND THEN READ MY DISGUSTING WORDS TO DESCRIBE IT. HAPPY WEEKEND!

2. Influencers Are Still A Thing.

View this post on Instagram

Do you guys have any friendships that have ended that still bring you pain? This afternoon I found out that one of the two people I have hurt the most in this world will be publishing an essay about our friendship for The Cut. I don’t know when this essay will go live. But it will be different than the articles that called me a scammer for clickbait. Everything in Natalie’s article will be brilliant and beautifully expressed and true. I know this not because I have read her essay but because Natalie is the best writer I know. I still love her. Our friendship ended 2 years ago, but I still walk around New York sometimes, listening to music, running errands, thinking about her. Amsterdam. I’ll let her tell you about that trip because it put her in danger—not me—so maybe it is hers to tell. Maybe she has custody of that story. Sometimes I all but gag with guilt. Sometimes I write emails to her in my head. Sometimes I imagine a future where we’re friends again! Natalie suffered all the consequences of being loved by an addict and none of the benefits of being loved by the woman that recovery made me into. In early August Natalie liked one of my Instagram photos by accident. I knew it was by accident because I know Natalie. But still! I thought: Maybe she is checking in on me because she still wants to be friends! Maybe she still loves me, too. I realize now that she must have been working on the article about us that will be published soon by New York Magazine. My team asked two things of me: To ignore this essay in my posts so I don’t drive traffic to it and to give them Natalie’s email so they could reach out. This is the first time I’ve disobeyed them. You should read Natalie’s article when it comes out. I’ll post a link when it does. Go leave a comment on nymag.com even if it’s insulting me. Every digital impression will be another reason for The Cut to hire Natalie again and to pay her even more next time. And The Cut doesn’t have access to the audience most interested in hating and loving Caroline Calloway. I do. So start anticipating this article. Get excited. Read it. I hope I can support Natalie now in ways I never did during my addiction.

A post shared by Caroline Calloway (@carolinecalloway) on

I did that thing where I caught wind of a story and spent an entire day in a rabbit hole immersing myself within it like an investigative reporter–or someone who does nothing at her job all day–and I’m here to give you the Salty Ju version so you don’t have to read as much as I did. Caroline Calloway is an influencer–you know–those made up jobs that Fyre Festival made famous. Where basic betches make thousands and thousands of dollars to post shit on their Instagram to their culty followers and thus the world is handed to them. Well anyway, this chick Caroline is one of those. She became originally “insta-famous” by posting a picture of rainbow color macarons that ended up on the discover page and therefore she gained like 50,000 followers because girls love a good visually pleasing macaron situation. Fast forward to now, her former best friend who was by her side helping her “write” on her road to “fame” has written a ROUGH hit piece on her, exposing Caroline for everything she is and she sounds like a real entitled turd who loves adderall a lot. Shocking? No. Interesting? YES. I ate this shit right up. If you like to read about draaaamaaaa (said in Derek from Happy Endings voice), the article is very well-written and you can find it HERE , otherwise I’ll break it down for you. Caroline got insta-famous, made Instagram “storytelling” her life and traveled the world on her parents’ dime to take pics in front of things and talk about how traveling is cool and adventures are fun. Her BFF at the time, Natalie, was always there taking her pics and helping her write her captions, living in her shadow. Caroline then got a book deal for like $300,000 or something and enlisted Natalie to help her write it because she couldn’t focus on anything other than doing drugs. They co-wrote it, then Caroline straight peaced out on it and decided it was too hard to finish. (The book was just a compilation of her Instagram stories basically.) Caroline and Natalie lost touch because Natalie realized she hated her stinkin guts and couldn’t hang out with someone so self-obsessed and rich and into drugs anymore. Caroline recently went on “tour” but was selling tickets before booking venues, promising a bunch of shit she didn’t deliver on and everyone was mad online about it. So she then tried to get ahead of the h8ers and call her shitty tour Fyre Fest and wear a shirt that says “Scammer”. CAROLINE, QUIT WHILE YOU’RE AHEAD. Well, she didn’t. She got a tip that Natalie was going to publish this tell-all and for the week leading up blabbed on Instagram about how much she loved Natalie and wants everyone to read this article and blames her adderall addiction for being a bad person. Then when she read the article….took a bunch of pictures of herself crying from it after therapy…she decided to set the story straight. By screenshotting every Instagram pictures she’s ever posted and clarifying if she wrote the caption or if Natalie did. I think that’s what the Jersey Shore cast likes to call SPIRALING. THIS IS REAL LIFE, FOLKS. I DID NOT MAKE ANY OF THIS UP. THIS IS WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THIS WORLD. Feel free to dive into a deep, dark hole on Caroline’s instagram HERE. Or just pretend we never talked about this and carry on with your lives. This is why I blog. To report the hard-hitting news about someone who makes MILLIONS more than me FOR POSTING HER FEELZ ON INSTAGRAM WITH SELFIES. I’m not bitter. You’re bitter.

3. Office Ladies.

The-office-pam-angela

Jenna Fischer (Pam) and Angela Kinsey (Angela) of The Office have announced a new podcast where they will watch old episodes and talk about behind the scenes stories, have commentary on the episode and probably talk about their lives now. Obviously there’s never any shortage in need/want for The Office content as it’s like the most binged TV show in this world, but let’s get this out of the way REAL quick–Pam SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKED. Like by far the worst character in that show and it ain’t even a competition. She wasn’t funny, she wasn’t cool, and the reason everyone tolerates her at all is because of Jim and their adorable love story that he had everything to do with and she had nothing to do with. Go back to Roy, Pam, you stink. Ok now that we’ve gotten that out of our system, I can only hope that Jenna is cool enough to admit how much Pam blows and then I’ll give it a listen. Fingers crossed.

4. THE SITCH IS FREE.

The world can go back to normal now. The Situation is free from jail. Boy have we missed him. I wonder if him and his boy Billy McFarland brainstormed up some new event hijinks to execute. Sitch will have to execute as I assume Billy is still on the inside. One can only hope we have another Fyre Festival brewing, other than Caroline Calloway’s shitty flower crown making tour. And that’s what we refer to as a callback, here in the blogging biz. But seriously, glad Sitch is back, maybe he can talk some sense into his boy Ronnie who has broken up with his abusive girlfriend and gotten back together with her 8 times since he was locked up. T’s and P’s.

5. Grl Power or Something.

I pretty much got nothin for this last headline so I’ll just force you to watch this because I had to watch it. Kinda the common theme this week I guess so it’s fitting. For the new Charlie’s Angels, they dragged these three oddballs together for a song. Ariana does what she always does, wears a high pony and a Halloween costume straight out of Mean Girls. Miley is doing this thing now where she always looks soaking wet and it’s weird and gross. She also licks each of them because now that Miley is single again, her tongue is V. active. And Lana just laid on a bench and writhed around singing in a COMPLETELY different style as the rest of the song. Good work, galz.

Standard
Music, Pop Culture, Red Carpet

MTV VMA’s Red Carpet 2019

For the first time since 2016, I felt like I was familiar with enough singers & performances to endure the MTV VMA’s. And although they tried to dub themselves music’s biggest night, I wasn’t terribly disappointed! Am I getting cooler or is MTV just catering to my age demographic now? It’s the latter, obviously. There was a BO$$ performance from Missy Misdemeanor Elliott with a cameo from Alyson Stoner (her OG dancer) that brought the house down. Also featured: Taylor Swift, Jonas Brothers, Shawn Mendes & Camila Cabello NOT kissing but definitely creating some boner jams, Miley Cyrus and my queen Lizzo serving up some real talk. So, yes, this was an awards show for those above 25 and I accept. Here’s my breakdown of how everyone looked.

WORST

avamax

I get that her hit song is sweet but a psycho but like do we really need to dress like it’s a comic con event to hammer it home?

Screen Shot 2019-08-26 at 7.30.48 PM

I DON’T UNDERSTAND TRENDS. THIS IS A WOMEN’S SUIT STRAIGHT FROM 1982. HE WON A FASHION AWARD LAST NIGHT. HOW.

Screen Shot 2019-08-26 at 7.31.21 PM

I’ve been dabbling in Snooki’s insta lately and even (gasp) browsed her online store and tbh I expected her to look a lot cuter. This weird rain coat with wedges combo didn’t hit for me.

Screen Shot 2019-08-26 at 7.34.30 PM

DJ Khaled’s style is dad at Señor Frogs and it makes me laugh out loud because WHAT A NERD.

Screen Shot 2019-08-26 at 7.35.22 PM

I’m having a real difficult time getting on board with gauchos again. They were in circa 2005, I bought 5 identical pairs of them including a sweatpants pair from AE (versatile) and now I look back at those pictures and scream laugh at how stupid they are. Please don’t bring them back. Put them away again. You should never have to question where someone’s legs/feet are.

Screen Shot 2019-08-26 at 7.36.14 PM

What fresh hell are these shoes that look like they have teeth on them?

Screen Shot 2019-08-26 at 8.32.48 PM

LOOFAH.

Screen Shot 2019-08-26 at 8.33.59 PM

Sorry Bella but this is weird as hell. What happens if you pull the straps on the bottom? Does her whole outfit scrunch together like the living room shade that it most definitely is? God I need to know.

Screen Shot 2019-08-26 at 8.39.39 PM

HALSEY. Cuuuuuutttt the shittttt. I’m so sick of seeing you in a dominatrix outfit every time you walk a carpet. YOU IS KIND. YOU IS BEAUTIFUL. STOP DRESSING LIKE A TRASHWAGON.

Screen Shot 2019-08-26 at 8.40.01 PM

These are drapes.

Screen Shot 2019-08-26 at 8.42.44 PM

Holy SHIT Allison. What’s the point in even wearing the dress?

Screen Shot 2019-08-26 at 8.44.23 PM

Taaaaacky.

Screen Shot 2019-08-26 at 8.44.53 PM

Just Diplo bein himself, forever on my worst dressed list.

Screen Shot 2019-08-26 at 8.45.34 PM

Great bod but ya’ll know how I feel about nearly nudes on the red carpet.

I get that we had a little throwback to the 2000’s night what with the Missy Elliott medley but by no means does that require a B. Spears snake copycat on the red carpet, LET ALONE TWO.

BEST

justinmikita

FLOWER.PANTS.

queen

I’m loving Queen Latifah in orange. I’m loving her Asian tourist dubz peace sign EVEN MORE.

Screen Shot 2019-08-26 at 7.29.35 PM

I recently saw Bebe Rexha live and she turned me into a fan just by wearing leggings and shaking her ass an IMPRESSIVE amount all over the stage. Girl gives good thigh and I’m here for it.

Screen Shot 2019-08-26 at 7.29.54 PM

Best way to win a moonman? Dress like one. Respect.

Screen Shot 2019-08-26 at 7.30.25 PM

Covered up that butterfly tattoo with a nice teal suit.

Screen Shot 2019-08-26 at 7.32.34 PM

Never would’ve guessed J.Woww would be the classiest of the crew but she looks great. Living her best life without Roger.

Screen Shot 2019-08-26 at 7.33.45 PM

B2B yellow lewwwwkz. My favorite color of the moment.

Screen Shot 2019-08-26 at 7.35.46 PM

If you hate Lizzo and her cocky as shit persona then you have a big dump in your pants.

Screen Shot 2019-08-26 at 7.37.03 PM

COLORS. BLAZER WITH NO PANTS. OVER THE KNEE BOOTS. REVERSE SWEETHEART NECKLINE. WHIMSY. Her performance outfit was better, tbh but this works too.

Screen Shot 2019-08-26 at 7.37.21 PM

Pink suit really complements his blue hurrrr.

Screen Shot 2019-08-26 at 7.38.21 PM

I can’t shout out Tay’s blazer/over the knee boot combo deal without also shouting out Megan’s! #hotgirlsummer

Screen Shot 2019-08-26 at 8.33.11 PM

Billy Ray’s still got itttttttt

Screen Shot 2019-08-26 at 8.33.32 PM

Outfit looks great, I’m really concerned about the fact that Gigi is a model and her go-to red carpet move is a gaping mouth. Is that what models do now? Should I start opening my mouth for pics? Trick question I already do.

Screen Shot 2019-08-26 at 8.40.35 PM

Curveball–Lenny’s pulling OFF the Canadian tuxedo.

Screen Shot 2019-08-26 at 8.41.37 PM

Always love a subtle leopard.

Screen Shot 2019-08-26 at 8.43.31 PM

Gotta give all the props considering these three goobers wore emerald green, royal blue, and orange suits (respectively) on their stop in Albany last week and it looked like we were accidentally at a Wiggles concert. Keep it simple with greys and blacks, boys.

Screen Shot 2019-08-26 at 8.43.56 PM

DAAAYummnnNnn Whit looks like a babe soda!

Screen Shot 2019-08-26 at 8.46.36 PM

Love this move by Lil Nas X. Especially because he didn’t top it with a bejeweled cowboy hat.

TWINZZZZZZZIES. Literally. They’re wearing the exact same suit, one was the host of the show, one hosted the red carpet. Would be suuupes embarrassing if I didn’t LOVE a summer aqua. T wore it better. White sneaks awl day.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

Screen Shot 2019-08-26 at 8.41.05 PM

I don’t have words. Everything about this outfit is perfect.

Standard