Red Carpet

ACM’s Red Carpet 2017

Country hits Vegas AND we’re finally getting closer to country music season so I’m all in on it again. Here’s the best and the worst of bedazzled belts and aggress spray tans.

WORST

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

The boyf is determined to start dressing like the FGL jabroni on the left and I cannot hit it home any harder that these two are fashion disasters. There is never an event where it is approps to wear a literal denim tuxedo with a hat that ridiculous. I rest my case.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Father Sam Hunt?

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Kewl bra.

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Sweet butt bow.

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WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE.

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YIKES, Lady A. What’s with the 70’s theme?

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Scotty. We meet again.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

There’s something about the skintight khakis that’s really throwing me off my game here. It’s like khaki leggings. Kheggings?

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Ok dude. Do less.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Never pegged Kellie to be boring AF on the red carpet. Spice it up girl, it’s Vegas. Go crazy!

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Don’t go this crazy. My eyes are bleeding out of their sockets.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Blech.

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I have no words for this floral ‘splosion.

BEST

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Throwing Nicole and Keith a bone here because they usually look like garbage on top of garbage.

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Red carpet look is kind of meh for Faith. Because she straight knocked me out during her duet. Seriously how is she that skinny? Also they both don’t age even for a second.

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Baby Rhett’s going to be a stunner.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Favorite minty colors and dubz braid. Kelsea knows just what I like. I was all yaaassss…until she changed into a casj ice dancer for her performance. Yikes.

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52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Shoutout to Jason, this jacket is trendy AF. Wifey belongs in a Vegas club and that is NOT a compliment.

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BEWBS. No but seriously, Miranda looks good and gave Carrie a run for her money in the legs dept during her boring ass performance.

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Luke can never look bad and that seems obvious.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

No joke I actually got an undie slushee looking at this.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

This color is springy and perf.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Classy AF.

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Embroidery’s a little weird but the rest is F-U-N!

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

Cole “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” Swindell. Coordinated hat and suit game is flyyyy.

52nd Academy Of Country Music Awards - Arrivals

I guess this is a new thing that Carrie’s doing at awards show. She’s not about giving everyone a peep at her legs before the main event. Whatever, I respect it, I guess. Mostly because I literally drooled when she hit the stage in the first few minutes, legz blazin.

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Damn, Reba can get it!

Best look of the night goes to Carrie’s legs and it ain’t no competition:

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 3/27/17

I took a self-imposed hiatus because Hollywood has been BORING AF lately. It’s pretty selfish of celebrities to not give me something to razz them about, honestly. Lucky for you I found just enough to get back in the saddle this week. HAPPY WEEKEND!

1. FINALLY.

SIGN.OF.THE.TIMES // 7.APRIL.17 //

A post shared by @harrystyles on

Our ears will be blessed next Friday with the only real solo act to come out of 1D that anyone should care about. Harry’s done pretending to be a serious actor and he better DELIVER on the music front after we had to wait this long. Mysterious wading in the water photo isn’t really giving us much but thank God it has already been announced that he’ll be the musical guest on SNL 4/15, with host Jimmy Fallon. Fingers crossed that JFall’s Harry meets real Harry in a skit, or we riot.

2. Whoa, baby.

Babymooning and pretending my blended lemonade is a margarita 🌴👶🏼🌙🍹

A post shared by Lauren Conrad (@laurenconrad) on

Pregnant bellies kind of freak me out. Mostly because like, there’s a human in there and if I push too hard will it die? This is something I may never know. So preggers people rocking bikinis at the beach usually gives me the heebie jeebies. The minute I see a baby arm or leg move like it’s taking over your body I’M OUTTA THERE. But of course, leave it to LC to make pregnancy chic as hell. Perfect mani, cocktail and beach scene=realistic look at pregnancy.

3. Batting UP.

Look, ARod’s kind of a loser. He could never compare to Jeets and it’s embarrassing how obsessed he is with himself. But let’s be clear, there’s nothing more embarrassing than a nobody (who is this biddy?) telling you that you’re outkicking your coverage in a major way. Girl thinks she’s being cutesy with the sports reference but ain’t nothing gonna cover the fact that she straight up told ARod to his face that he’s not good enough for Jenny from the block. Facts only. Also they’ve been dating a casual 3 weeks so like maybe slow your roll with yapping about her on a talk show. She just got done banging Drake. It’s not going to last. Especially since you’re, hitting out of your weight class? IS THAT HOW YOU SAY IT? LOLOLOLOL. PS unrelated but kind of related…the 3 no name hosts plus Joy Behar saying that JLo liking chocolate chip cookies is breaking news made my eyes roll out of my skull and halfway across the room. HOW IS THIS SHOW STILL ON TV?

4. WHERE IS SUMMER.

AVAILABLE NOW! 🕺🏻#CravingYou ft. @marenmorris

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Despite the fact that it’s rain/snowing in New York for THE NEXT TWO DAYS…I’m going to jam out to this new Thomas Rhett number and pretend warm weather is just around the corner. Ignore the fact that little hoebot Maren is featured on this. Pretend it’s his perfect wifey instead.

5. PUPPY BOUQUETS!

© Discover Love Studios - Brittany Boland - www.discoverlovestudios.com

This has literally nothing to do with anything other than the fact that it was an article on People today but if I’m in your wedding party and you don’t give me a puppy to take pictures with, you’re essentially dead to me. Group photos for weddings are the WORST. The way photographers direct women to pose is only setting us up for failure. “Blow a kiss”, “Walk toward the camera with sass” “Kick your foot up in the air” results in me looking like an awkward giraffe with my mouth open and/or eyes closed 98% of the time. Congrats on getting married, whose that weird bird who ruined all of your professional photos?! …is what I imagine everyone says when they view the final product. (Just me? Whatever) Either way, it’s IMPOSSIBLE to look like a spazz when you have a cuddly baby puppy wuppy in your arms.

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© Discover Love Studios - Brittany Boland - www.discoverlovestudios.com© Discover Love Studios - Brittany Boland - www.discoverlovestudios.com

 

BONUS: Throwback Eye Candy, Love always, Mandy

Bucket Hat=Pure SEX.

DUBZ BONUS: LOL to the fact that Melissa Joan Hart is suddenly all omg I totally should’ve dated Ryan Reynolds back in the day. HE’S BLAKE’S MAN. BACK OFF, SABRINA. (That hair though.)

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Uncategorized

The Bachelor – IT’S ALL OOOOO-VERRRR

 

Clap, clap, CLAPCLAPCLAP. I am elated that this season has finally come to a close. What did you miss in the 15 solid minutes of content that were dragged out over three monstrous hours? I THOUGHT YOU WOULD NEVER ASK.

Nick starts the episode with some skipping with elves so you KNOW things are going to get spicy. Spicy, meaning ABC flew Nick’s parents and ¼ of his 500 siblings out to Finland to meet these lassies and probably not take it seriously because they’ve been through this twice now. Raven’s up first and if you recall she already met the fam so she basically has a leg up over Vanessa, cause her and Bella are rollerskating, soccer-loving besties. Mostly because Raven has the IQ of a 12 year old but that’s neither here nor there.

Vanessa sweeps into the room full of Nick sibs and puts on her best acting chops to talk about how amazing her relationship is with Nick and it’s believeable AF until she tells Nick’s mom on the side that she can’t see herself not being with Nick at the end of this but isn’t ready to be engaged. Catch 22. Nick’s mom hopes she gets the answers she’s looking for. Which is a mom way of saying, find someone else’s son to marry because we don’t want you. Nick’s dad cries a lot and suddenly it all adds up. Vanessa cries because she senses that she should. They hug it out and mix tears.

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Vanessa and Nick ride horses through the snow for their last date as a peeping Tom dressed as old tymey Santa watches them from behind a tree. Creeper Santa lives in an outhouse in the forest and does not speak English immediately, which makes for an awks communication barrier with the jolly fella. He magically switches to English right around the same time Vanessa snuggles into his beard and things get real weird. They both wish for love and instead get a piece of carved wood. Santa works in mysterious ways. What a rascal.

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Later they’re making out and suddenly Vanessa is sobbing because Nick is also dating Raven. He keeps kissing her anyway. Interesting comforting tactic.

Raven and Nick do some ice-skating, cause like skating’s their thang. Since I’m bored to tears, this is the point where I convince myself and my sister that they’re not actually in Finland, they’re probably just on a movie lot in California because they shed their coats A LITTLE TOO MUCH for it being the dead of winter in Finland. Stay woke. BUT THEN THEY PLAY WITH PUPPIES!!! This is the only thing that’s piqued my attention this entire episode. Seriously, more puppies please. Can he give her a puppy instead of a ring? The least the loser should get is a baby Husky, honestly. Later Nick tells Raven he’s proud of her for being there (?) and Raven says that this stuff shouldn’t happen to a girl from Hoxie, Arkansas. So I guess you’re not allowed to date in Arkansas. Or orgasm.

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The man of the hour (or 3), Neil, rolls up and announces that everyone is rooting for Nick to make it work this time. Don’t speak for us, Neil. Don’t you DARE put words in our mouths. Raven doesn’t get that ring because she gets out of the limo first and in TYPICAL shitty breakup fashion, Nick allows her to give her entire speech of love, gives his own and then sneaks in a goodbye covered in tears. At least he’s consistent at being a terrible dumper this season. She barely sheds a tear meanwhile Nick is drowning in his own. He tells Raven that he’s going to miss her and she replies “I know.” YOU GO GIRL! No seriously though, go…back to Hoxie cause that accent is KILLIN ME.

Side note: Nick must get a paycheck every time he mumbles on TV that it didn’t work out with Andi or Kaitlyn because the name drop count is FAR TOO high for one episode. I hope for Bachelor Nation’s precious livers that this wasn’t turned into a drinking game.

Anywho, in the grand finale Nick tells Vanessa he loves her through tears and she looks like she’s in pain. He proposes and she ugly sobs all over the ring. CRY CRY CRY. I wanted to cry every time I wasted time on this stupid mouth breathing dum dum this season but I held my shit together and he couldn’t give us the same courtesy. Enjoy your next three months togets you wah-wahing fools.

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PS this sweater is hideous.

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PPS Nick still looks stupid in a hat. People don’t forget.

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LET’S PROLONG THIS WITH AN AFTER SHOW

Raven comes out and everyone says the word stoic to describe her reaction at least 4 times each. I would never in a million years apply the word stoic to Raven. What a scam. She went through phenomenal PR training though because she rambles scripted answers to each stupid question about if she supports Nick and Vanessa as a couple like a champ. She will be on paradise, of course.

Vanessa’s solo interview just consists of her convincing us all that they love each other but also that their relationship is hard AF and probably won’t last. The same can be said for their duet interview. We get it, life after fake life is hard and your shelf life has already expired.

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The DRAMATIC twist of the night that Chris Harrison teased since 8PM is that Rachel’s season starts onstage in front of everyone, which is totally not awkward at all. White guy Dean says he’s “ready to go black and he’s never going to go back” and all of America cringes. Live TV and racial jokes all rolled into one. What a package deal. I’m sure no one will have any thinkpieces about that. ABC alternates four contestants black, white, white, black because they have to. Rachel basically does the Carlton with the last contestant of the evening and I’ve never felt more of the uncomfies. In my sister’s words, “I’m hiding under my blankets hoping this ends.” And that’s pretty much how next season will go if Rachel keeps this up with the awksies.

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Music

Ed Sheeran – Divide

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I decided to start The Salty Ju after I wrote an aggressive track by track review of T. Swift’s 1989 one fateful October day when I was unemployed. I then sent it to my friend and forced her to read in full. And I thought to myself, WHAT IF I FORCED OTHERS TO READ MY THOUGHTS?! And thus, The Salty Ju was born. It’s a beautiful story, really. It brings a tear to my eye as I’m recounting it right now. That also could be because of the heavy rotation of Ed for the past few days but that’s neither here nor there. Since I love Ed just as much as I love Taylor, I felt like it was absolutely necessary to bring this feature back for your listening pleasure. Because what ruins an album more than reading what’s going on in my brain during each song? Nothing. Nothing, I tell ya.

1. Eraser. Ed snuck this one out a week before the CD was released and I was like MEH it’s no Castle on the Hill or Shape of You but after listening to the entire album, I immediately regretted shitting on this song. It’s a classic rap/singing combo deal from Ed but what makes it a great is that he pronounces Eraser like A Razor. It makes me think of the day I learned via twitter that if you say “rise up lights” it sounds like an Australian saying razor blades. That made for a lovely family Christmas dinner sounding like a bunch of assholes. Accents are fun.

2. Castle on the Hill. I started every single day with this song when it came out. Couldn’t kick off the day without imagining Ed doing his first kiss wrong and being puke free since 93. Instant mood changer. I’d like to say that my youth was also full of sneaking cigs and spirits in a lush green English field but like, realistically my friends and I sat around the family kitchen table, ate Doritos and took quizzes on Sporcle until 2 AM. THE GOOD OLE DAYS.

3. Dive. Ah, love song Ed. Or rather, love song mixed with a hint of sassiness. Seriously don’t call him baby unless you MEAN IT, BITCH. This is hot on the heels of Perfect for my favorite slow jam on Divide.

4. Shape of You. This bangarang was the perfect single to pair with Castle on the Hill because that gave me all the driving feels and this made me want to hit up the club and Jersey turnpike all over the dance flo. Yin and yang.

5. Perfect. Divide’s  version of “Thinking Out Loud” was immediately my fave. It almost got real messy at my desk when I gave it the first listen at work and had to choke back tears. It would’ve been pretty awks if someone had come over and asked me to do something and I responded in between sobs, I DON’T DESERVE THIS, YOU LOOK PERFECT TONIGHT. Thank God I keep my headphones in at all times specifically so no one speaks to me from approximately 9AM until 5:30PM.

6. Galway Girl. If there’s one thing to tak away from this album it’s that Ed’s really kicking up the Irish jig numbers this time around. This one rocks real hard and I wish when I was in Galway I could’ve Irish stepped to this with a Guinness. Instead I bought a $50 “authentic” Irish rugby shirt, walked 2 feet out of the souvenir store and saw the same one for $17. I know, I know. Americans are stupid and uncultured. But whatevs, I could totally play a fiddle in an Irish band. I basically did when I got drunk in Ireland. Everyone loves Americans there. In case you haven’t caught on yet, I’m about to try and make every one of these songs about me. You’re welcome.

7. Happier. Ok so admittedly this song is real sad. But that just means Ed knows how to make a bangpiece mixtape. ALWAYS sneak in a sad number after an upbeat one. It’s how you keep the balance. What a sweetheart he is being happy for this hoebag who left him even though he still loves her a lot. He is far, far more mature than I ever will be.

8. New Man. Yaassssss! This song is living proof that people with an English accent can say WHATEVER they want and it will sound classy. Eyebrows waxed and his asshole bleached? Yes, ok. The only gripe I have with this song is that if you’re going to toss around comments about a bleached asshole you damn well better not bleep out the F word. Go balls to the wall, Ed! I hope whoever this song is about replies with “AND I LOVE MY NEW ASSHOLE!” Side props for Ed admitting to InstaG creeping. Stars, they’re just like us.

9. Hearts Don’t Break Around Here. This is supposed to be a beautiful love song and he compares their love to a pothole in the first few seconds. Weird approach. I mean the song’s good, don’t get me wrong. But “shakes my soul like a pothole” really throws me off every damn time.

10. What Do I Know? I think this is the only song on the album that I don’t like. It will probably get skipped 99% of the time. It’s too J.May’s “Waiting on the World to Change” vibes for me (which also gets skipped every single time.) I don’t need to hear about how your song will cure the stock market crashing. Stick to singing about love and breakups and bleached bholes.

11. How Would You Feel (Paean). I don’t really understand who Paean is but a song kicking off with “you are the one, girl” is a quick way to get me to like it. Yeah, yeah it’s another mushy love song but like THEY’RE ALL SUH GOOD. Kid makes a living singing first dance songs and I respect the hell out of it.

12. Supermarket Flowers. Holy shit this one is depressing AF. Don’t listen to it unless you want to contemplate life and death. According to my superfan of a BFF (who googled it the second she first heard the song), this was written about Ed’s grandma from the perspective of his mom. So like, his mom didn’t die, his grandma did. Either way, singing about dead people going home to heaven and how sad you are is a real downer all around. Gotta be prepared for that kind of sad, like watching The Fault in Our Stars.

13. Barcelona. Ed does it again! Gets the tears rolling then brings it right back up with this Latin flava. How cultured is Ed that he can gracefully go from an Irish brogue to speaking Spanish all on one CD? Yeah it’s kind of jibberish when he tosses out “Drinking Sangria, mi niña, te amo mi cariño.” That’s like me saying, “Hola, margaritas, senorita” while shaking some maracas in a sombrero…but A+ for effort anyway.

14. Bibia Be Ye Ye. This is absolute nonsense. All I ask is that every singer I love make lyrics that I can easily learn and sing along to, so that I may properly perform a solo concert while driving. This is getting really tough when you shove made up sounds into the chorus of a song. Whatever, it’s still a banger. I forgive you, Ed. I’m still going to crush this live.

15. Nancy Mulligan. Another fun Irish snippet—I’m guessing about how Ed’s grandparents met? I’m just spitballing here, based on the lyrics. Gramps Sheeran sounds like a real badass though. Her dad was like no you don’t have permission to marry my daughter and he was like eh, F it–let’s go down by the Wexford border and do the damn thing. Between this jam and Galway Girl, I’m about 2 seconds away from booking a trip that I can’t afford to Ireland. I won’t (seriously, Dad, I won’t book another vacation I can’t afford) but I WANT TO.

16. Save Myself. Kind of a low point to end on, if I were producing I probably would’ve ended on ole Nancy Mully, but wut3v3r. I guess it’s more of a wistful life lesson to take away. LOVE YOURSELF. I don’t know, I’m trying to see the positive in this one but it’s kind of hard when he’s droning on about drinking and taking prescription pills. Get your head out of your ass and save yourself, Ed.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Goodbye 3 Hours of My Life

This tweet sums up last night as a whole. It is NEVER necessary for the Bachelor to be 3 hours long, especially not when it’s the worst season that’s ever aired on TV. And while I’m ranting, WTF APRIL?! HAVE YOUR G-D BABY. Three weeks is FAR too long for us all to watch you eat hay, shit and nap (see Corinne, giraffes nap too!) GET THE SHOW ON THE ROAD.

But anyway, let’s pick up with Raven who high fives strangers and skips around Finland to a poppy soundtrack after she O’s. Or that’s what the producers would like us to believe. There’s no WAY Nick got the job done. And while we’re on the topic of Nick, let’s discuss how stupid he looks in a winter hat. With the baby hairs sticking out the front and the way it sits half on/half off his head, he looks like a real wiener. These girls have to be drying up just at the sight of winter Nick.

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Rachel is falling in love with Nick but cannot be trusted with her judgement because she’s wearing a crop top in Finland. Rachel asks Nick, “ do you know where you stand with me?” and Nick says “not entirely” so they’re really in sync as a couple. She tells Nick that she’s falling in love with him and he says 100% samesies. No seriously, he used the FULL percentage in reciprocation. Seems like a pretty dumb thing to do with someone that you’re OBVIOUSLY sending home. So he’s continuing his streak of blind sighting girls. They spend the night togets and obv Rachel makes herself vulnerable (wink, wink). She also doesn’t take her choker off when she sleeps which is CRAZY. Who can sleep in a choker? These are the biggest things I took away from this date. Penguin onesie and CHOKER.

Vanessa

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Vanessa & Nick wear matching icy blue swimwear and do a polar plunge basically in a little pool outside a cabin. Sounds ssssssuper fun. Nick spazzes out all over the joint and looks like an R-worded dinosaur once they get back inside to warm up. Then they do it again. WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT OF THIS DATE? If anyone ever suggested this as a date to me I’d be outta there. Vanessa’s really getting shafted on this show. Plus she has to look at Nick’s stupid winter hat situation for the entire time. They hit the hot tub to warm up and ask each other if they’ll last after this show. The answer is an obvious no. Nick will not leave this country to live with Vanessa and her tight-wad family. Why? Because he’s proud to be an American. Barf all over me. Now that Nick’s faced with the decision of moving to another country for a girl he doesn’t love, suddenly he’s Uncle Sam. Okkkkk. Shit starts to get too real too quick so Nick keeps telling Vanessa that they’re just too similar, which is a bitch ass way of saying that he doesn’t see a future with her because later on he says hopefully we can “figure it out and accept our differences.” HOW CAN YOU HAVE DIFFERENCES IF YOU’RE SO SIMILAR? HMMMMM, NICK? Riddle me that.

Rose Ceremony

Nick cries big sloppy wet tears because that’s what he does best and sends Rachel packing. Could’ve done without this tearful goodbye, tbh considering we know Rachel will be just fine. She’ll have her tongue in 26 other guys’ mouths in no time. Time and tongueing other men on TV heals all wounds, is what I always like to say.

WOMEN TELL ALL

I’ve always loved the concept of the Women Tell All epi because what could be greater TV than tossing angry, rejected women into one room and then trotting out the man who dumped them? Unfortunately, it can also be a disaster in the form of catty bitches just shouting at each other about one little thing, Housewives reunion style. That was the case this time around with the Taylor vs. Corinne saga. And let me be very clear, I’m #TeamCorinne. Everything else is white noise–like for example Elizabeth and Lacey, who painted on their best faces and showed up ready to yap at every opportunity. Who are either of these ladies? The world may never know.

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Hey does everyone remember Liz, who slept with Nick then surprised him on the show and he didn’t remember sleeping with her? Well she took last night as an opportunity to get up on her soapbox to tell everyone that it doesn’t matter who you bang in your past, it shouldn’t define you. Which, like, true, but not necessary to make a feminist manifest over slutty drunk wedding sex. Also, you still have a tattoo that takes up your ENTIRE back. People don’t forget.

Taylor then takes a page out of Liz’s book and declares that people in the helping profession shouldn’t be shamed for helping people. WHAT? Everyone basically boos her off the stage. Corinne gets up mid- Taylor sob sesh to get herself a cold glass of champs. Amen, sistah.

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After Corinne is properly hydrated, her and Taylor have a LITERAL battle to the death of who napped and when and how long their nap was and did they have a blanket and I want to drill a hole in my skull. Corinne would just like everyone to know that she was fucking tired. Same, girl. Same. I’m especially tired of Chris Harrison repeatedly asking Taylor why she’s getting emotional and her response being “I’m just so overwhelmed.” Maybe if you didn’t act like such a seaward everyone wouldn’t overwhelmingly hate you. Then the audience is treated to Raquel’s cheese pasta, which spoiler alert: is  just plain pasta with shredded cheese on it. I would’ve put that directly in the trash where it belongs. There’s only one cheese pasta that’s acceptable and it’s called Kraft Macaroni and Cheese (SHAPES ONLY).

Kristina gets the “hot seat” to re-tell her story that we just watched in full in a recap and Liz rips that spotlight away immediately by sobbing in her chair and turning it into another feminist rant. Liz would like us all to stop fighting about naps and think about how Kristina could have been forced into prostitution. Again, valid point but like stfu, Liz. Let Kristina tell her story. We get it, you’re all friends except for Taylor and Corinne and Liz would like us to know that she builds wells in foreign countries instead of sleeping with bachelor contestants at a made for TV wedding. (Don’t think I didn’t notice how you had one of the other girls slide that factoid in, LIZ.)

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Finally Lispy comes out IN THE MOMENT WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR and Lacey wants to know why he only talked about Josephine when he was with her. WAS HE FRIEND ZONING HER? Lacey, he had no idea who you are, just like the rest of us and if he chose to talk about the girl dressed as Sarah from Hocus Pocus while on a date with you then you need to reevaluate your life.

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DLo still isn’t over being dumped and “asks a question” aka just sobs and says it was unfair how Nick broke up with her. I mean, Nick is quite literally the worst at dumping girls but realistically what did these B’s expect? He says sorry (ish) and everyone pets DLo so she stops crying so much.

Rachel comes out and everyone praises her as the new Bachelorette and I actually fell asleep when she was talking. Next season should be F-U-N! Here’s to another 3 hours down the drain next weeeeeekkkkk weeeowwwwweeeowwwwwweeeeeee!

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(I think I’m getting Bach delirious.) Also, Rachel if you’re going to be the next Bachelorette you’re going to have to do better than an awkward one sleeve dress. PUH-LEASE.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Show Me Your O Face

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Apologies for being late with this recap but it’s like pulling teeth to watch this show and I’ve just recently downgraded to a life without DVR (please keep me in your T’s and P’s) so the struggle was VERY real just to be able to watch this pointless episode after it aired. But after attempting to steal my parent’s cable from 130 miles away and failing miserably, I finally got it on Hulu. Yes you have to hear about how hard I worked just to watch Corinne get booted. Dedication at its finest.

Anyway, last week Andi rolled up to Nick’s door and they were like WHAT WILL SHE SAY?! OMGGGGGGG. Turns out just like any other former contestant whose hard up for cash, she was brought back just to give some “advice”. In this case, advice=give Nick permission to bang his three girlfriends in the fantasy suites. Cause like he’s an adult, and she’s a feminist. Did I misinterpret the definition of feminism in Beyonce’s hit educational bangpiece “***Flawless”?

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Andi also sneaks in a little jab about Nick being a total wiener and telling America that she “made love to him” on the after show roughly 3 years ago. People don’t forget. He’s like yeah ok maybe I regret that. Except he doesn’t really regret it…because it got him a TV deal for 3 more years.

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At the very windy rose ceremony, Raven shows up in actual black face and Corinne wears a fur coat. What a diverse group of ladies. Nick decides not to rose Cruella, probably because she was giving a mean stink eye throughout that rose ceremony. Corinne sobs and asks what she did wrong and Nick says she did nothing wrong, gives her a hug, says he’s gonna miss the hell out of her and tosses her into the limo. What a magician of breakups Nick is. Explain nothing and get them the hell out of there. To be fair, Corinne is probably too confused to notice that she just got shafted. She loud sobs all over that mink that her “heart will like literally like never like be repaired.” My teacher used to hit the desk every time someone said like and I wish a producer did that during this goodbye. The sorrow doesn’t last long because she quickly turns heel to being #DONE with impressing men. And then she puts herself to sleep. Goodnight sweet cheese pasta princess with the vageen of platinum. We will all miss you and your lack of emotional intelligence. corinnesmink

Lapland, Finland with Raven

The gang jets off to Finland for the fantasy suites, so that Nick can showcase his collection of turtlenecks and really show the ladies how versatile his wardrobe is for any season. Raven gets the first date/hang because Nick doesn’t really know if he likes her. She laid off rubbing actual mud on her face for her Finland makeup regimen and I thank her for that. They take a helicopter ride to watch deer run in the snow or something and then hit the pub for darts with the locals. She sucks at darts, and I know this because I went through a phase where I would play darts at the local dive bar every weekend and my friends continuously harassed me for bending my knees and winding up for a jump shot every time it was my turn. None of them offered to carry me to the dartboard like Nick did for Raven, so that’s pretty rude, tbh. Some local Finlandian’s (I made this up and I’m ok with it) looking to catch their big break come over and laugh at Raven’s stupid accent and talk shit about her in their native language, probably.

nickturtleneckv

Nick and Raven discuss their future and Nick has agreed to cook if Raven will fold the clothes. What a pair of domestic partners. I couldn’t help but notice that there was no mention of who will take care of the home while Nick is in LA doing Dancing with the Stars. These are the real hard-hitting future questions that should be asked on this show. What SHOULDN’T be discussed is Raven’s inability to orgasm all up in this B. She’s apparently never had one and it’s something that we should know. She also thinks Nick is going to give her one tonight in the fantasy suite. LOLOLOLOLOLOL. Girl. He kicked a girl off so she would stop talking about their one night stand because he’s bad at sex. Lower your expectations.

Later on at dinner, it comes out that even though Raven dated her ex for 2 years, she never told him she loved him…and he only told her when he was drunk. HI I’M A RED FLAG, NICE TO MEET YA! Kinda explains why he cheated real hard on her.  Raven then gives the most scripted I Love You speech to Nick that I’ve ever heard and he’s like that’s the best profession of love I’ve ever heard. Even better than movies. Ok, Nick. I’m a little concerned about the fact that Raven was with someone for 2 years, didn’t love them yet met Nick 3 weeks ago and is so completely in love with him and trusts him to take her to O-town. After opening the fantasy suite card/key Raven immediately tells Nick that she’s only been with one guy and he couldn’t get the job done for her. No presh or anything. Nick quickly suggests to the camera that he might not sleep with the women so it’ll make his decision easier in the end. I WONDER WHAT CAUSED THIS EPIPHANY?! Hope Raven brought her BOB to Finland! See ya next week for 100 more hours and probably Rachel’s farewell.

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Red Carpet

Oscars 2017 Red Carpet

Awards season is over and if we’re being real it kinda sucked this year. No one’s outfit made me uncontrollably drool because it was so amahzing and on the flip, no one’s was so offensively bad that I wanted to burn my TV just from looking at it. And realistically you know I’m all about extremes. Dramatic reactions or bust. Anyway, the Oscars took a sharp nosedive roughly 6 minutes into the show when JT handed that mic over to Jimmy Kimmel and everyone knows it. Here’s what people wore to this snoozeroni.

WORST

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

This weird panel down the middle of her top isn’t doing it for me.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Sweet butterflies, you get that dress at Aeropastale?

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I don’t know if he does this on purpose but like does he ever take a break from being Lucious Lyon?

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

This is so bad that I’m almost wondering if someone tried to F with Dakota and told her the Oscars were doing an ancient time period theme.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

If we’re being honest I discriminate against velvet because the texture isn’t my favorite. But also this polka dot thing is weird.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

That belt is from Hot Topic.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

I’m so confused by this afro wig situation. The top left looks like they finished putting this on her head and were like eh needs a little more fake hair and just plopped some on top. It’s a rogue fro and I can’t stop looking at it in horror.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Yeah, ok.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

I probably wouldn’t have hated this so much had I not seen the baby nub ponytail that Charlize is rocking in the back when she presented onstage. Threw off the whole vibe.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Red Carpet

Weird satin pants/skirt combo deal. Plus word on the street is she was paid to wear this and that’s some bullshit.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Nothing like a good front ruffle. Naht.

BEST

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Chad Radwell can get it.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

There’s nothing Michael Strahan can’t do. Swagger on swagger.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

PRINCESS DRESS.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Hair color is pretty woofie but I’m down with this dress.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Very close second to being my favorite look of the night.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Leslie Mann is crushing this color.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

You can pretty much never go wrong with a black dress and red lip.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Even though Taraji’s roll-on Bath and Body Works body glitter was v distracting while she was presenting, she looks hawt here.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Michelle literally looks like she’s in pain. Just ignore that and admire the dress.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Check that pocket square though.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

This is a momentous occasion. Nicole Kidman looks ACTUALLY GOOD and made my best dressed!! Congrats to you, grl. What an honor.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Emma Stone is flawle$$.

matt-damon

I DON’T SEE JIMMY KIMMEL ON THIS BEST DRESSED LIST.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

These ruffles are stupid but I would NEVER put RyRy on the worst dressed.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

I can dig the geometric neckline.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

I put this on here so my boyfriend wouldn’t get mad at me because he has a crush on The Rock.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Blue suit of the night.

US-OSCARS-ARRIVALS

This is nice. I seriously don’t even have anything to say about dresses anymore. It’s Monday morning and I’m sitting next to a live construction zone aggressively using power tools and no I am not ok. My brain hurts.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

SUMMER.

BEST COUPLE/LOOK:

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Hot Damn your boy looks good here. And he banged the opener so hard. Because he is perfect.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Special shoutout to Jess because I actually really liked this look and I always shit on her because she stole my man. Also couple goals that she grooved with him in the aisle. Timberlakes 4 life.

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