JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 2/18/19

1. Jamal Lyon is a snitch bitch. (Press play while reading)

When this story first broke I honestly thought it was a plot point from the latest episode of Empire. As a once fan (and recapper) of the ridiculous show before it got to be a little TOO outrageous even for me, a racial/homophobic attack on Jussie easily could’ve been a story line for the Lyon fam. In fact, I think it was at one point. Which is probably where dum dum Jussie cooked up the idea. Except instead of locking it up with no way to pin him to this crime, like Lucious did when he killed Bunkie, he executed the sloppiest hack job of all time. Let’s quickly run through the deets and hard facts/evidence that they’ve collected so far. Jussie wrote himself hate mail and had it sent to the studio where they shoot Empire. No one really noticed or took action. So then he hired two extras (also black), paid them VIA CHECK $3,500 and then had them go to a local convenience store to buy the supplies for said attack, where they were clear as day caught on surveillance. (LOL to the fact that at the end of the checkout, one of the guys puts his hood up. Good job, bruh.) Then he called them a bunch of times before and after the alleged attack. After being “attacked” he refused to release his phone and/or phone records. But also went on GMA to sob about what happened and say there were a lot of misconceptions out there. The balls on this kid to book an interview the week after he’s attacked and put on that performance. He’s finally been arrested and charged with filing a false police report, yet he’s still arguing that he’s innocent. Police say he did this because he was unhappy with this salary. And this is the point where I fly off the handle. He makes roughly $65,000 per episode. PER EPISODE. YOU KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO WITH JUST ONE CHECK FOR $65,000? SO. MANY. THINGS. None of them include self-inflicted injuries, JUSSIE. UGH. Gawd. I’m done. Get him out of my face. JK I’m not done because as I was writing this Fox released the following statement:

“The events of the past few weeks have been incredibly emotional for all of us. Jussie has been an important member of our EMPIRE family for the past five years and we care about him deeply. While these allegations are very disturbing, we are placing our trust in the legal system as the process plays out. We are also aware of the effects of this process on the cast and crew members who work on our show and to avoid further disruption on set, we have decided to remove the role of ‘Jamal’ from the final two episodes of the season.”

byeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

2. Kris Jenner Back At It.

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You know that I typically like to avoid including the Kardtrashians in my blog but game respects game and when you see Kris puppetmaster Jenner/Kardashian(?) pull another scandal out of her bhole, you gotta just sit back and clap for that sneaky B. Keeping up with the Kardashians season 6 zillion premieres on March 31st. CONVENIENTLY, it comes out this week that Kylie’s BFF, roomie & makeup partner Jordyn went to bonetown with Khloe’s baby daddy Tristan Thompson, who has basically been cheating on her since they started dating. The story “leaks” and suddenly you’ve got every Kardashian and the BFFS that haven’t stepped out with their mans going in on social media. They all unfollow Jordyn, she gets kicked out of Kylie’s house, they’re putting up videos singing along to Find Your Own Man. It’s like the WWE smackdown of Kardashians vs. this 21 year old ho they made famous. (I’m allowed to make a WWE comparison because I watch Total Bellas.) Everyone is riveted by it and sitting back with a bowl of popcorn to watch the ratchet drama unfold. In the meantime, Kris writhes her body over stacks of hunnids in a room just filled with cash in her Calabasas mansion. Don’t you think for a second that Jordyn wasn’t offered a deal to be the kingpin of hoes in this storyline. Girls’ got her eyelash line and a fat wad of cash (Kris gives cash on shady deals, she doesn’t pull out the ole checkbook like Jussie did) to keep her warm at night.

3. Miranda Lambert Stole Found The Love of her Life.

This was last week’s news but it took a few days for the ole snoops of social media to get the real scoop on this guy who no one knew. And it was WORTH THE WAIT. Brendan Mcloughlin is a NYC cop, who Miranda met while performing on GMA and having a concert that same night where Brendan was the police detail/crowd control. Bren-dawgs is my age (26.5), was once an aspiring model, oh and also was engaged at the time he met Miranda, with a pregnant girlfriend as well. After I publicly declared in May that I was no longer #TeamMiranda (read about it here), she seemed to lay low for a while, sensing that she was losing a loyal follower because of her infidelities. Obviously, this ended real quick and it seems as though she has found her soulmate of cheaters. Brendan’s fiance found out he was cheating from his 7 month preggers girlfriend who was living with him at the time. *Allegedly* YOIKES. His baby was born the same month that him and Miranda started dating (November) so there was obviously some crossover. Let me be the first to say that they are a match made in heaven and the latest in the Hollywood trend to get married after dating for fifteen minutes. Best of luck to ya!

4. Gaga is Single.

Lady Gaga and her fiance who I literally knew nothing about have split. Obviously everyone is shipping a Gaga-Bradley union and to that I say, There can be 100 people in the room and 99 don’t believe in you, and just one does. And that can change your whole life. I mean literally, change it. Guess we’ll have to wait and see. Oscars are this weekend. Your move, Bradley.

5. Weekly Dose of Tasteful Nudity.

I always like to post the latest Calvin Klein campaign because who wouldn’t want to feast their eyes on a glossy six pack and judge the size of the guys’ package tucked into some briefs? This campaign features A$AP Rocky, Noah Centineo, Kendall Jenner, and Shawn Mendes. Since I’m a 13 year old girl (and because it wouldn’t be a competition with A$AP), let’s check out how Noah and Shawn fared.

View this post on Instagram

@CalvinKlein #MyCalvins. Campaign coming this week.

A post shared by Shawn Mendes (@shawnmendes) on

View this post on Instagram

@calvinklein by @_glen_luchford #mycalvins

A post shared by Noah (@ncentineo) on

Point to Shawn for Abs, Point to Noah for Package. Looks like we broke even here, boys. TYSM for participating. Also here’s a nice laugh from my favorite British doughboy, James Corden to round out the week.

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Red Carpet

Grammys Red Carpet 2019

It’s never a good sign when you see ads for the Grammys and the only performers you actually like are the host and Lady Gaga. The rest was a real disaster. As I once had to declare that I’m too old for the VMA’s, I guess I’ve now aged out of the Grammys too. Never thought I’d see the day. Never too old to get up all on that red carpet thooooo, so here we go.

WORST

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Lotta ladies going wild with the textures tonight and I’m not down with this pink ‘splosion.

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Cardi, or as my boyfriend lovingly refers to her as the seagull sounding buffoon, is clearly on this planet to raise eyebrows and make a scene. Job well done. But you look like an idiot. Also it’s laugh out loud funny that she wears a giant oyster costume and then opts for a nude strapless bra underneath. Just commit and go full seashell, Arielle style, or something equally as loud.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Charlie Puth may or may not flash us his goods in this trench coat full suit.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Heidi out here treating the red carpet like the VS Fashion Show.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

A triangle on your bod and a square on your head.

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Look no further than my roasting of Pharrell’s Elmer Fudd hat at the Grammys in 2014, or LL Cool J’s Kangol at every Grammys ever, to know that I hate a hat statement at an awards show. This is so ridiculous and stupid. I get it, you’re JLo, but no.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Holy Barf. This is like Anna Kendrick’s dress on steroids and with some silver boobs. What was the end goal with this dress?

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Oh, ok MJ.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

SHERIFF ARTS N KRAFTS, YAY!

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

If this didn’t have a chest fan I’d like it, but it does, so here it lies.

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

If you’re gonna make a big stink about how no one will dress you for the Grammys because you’re a size 8, which I find VERY hard to believe because if this is the case then why is Chrissy Metz on every G-D red carpet ever, then WHY would you choose the BIGGEST, WIDEST dress on this earth to prove your point? A size 8 isn’t big…if it is then call me obese…so just wear a bangin dress and show off your assets. Make the designers look dumb AF. Immersing yourself in taffeta was the wrong play here, Bebe. WRONG PLAY.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

AT THIS POINT JUST WALK THE RED CARPET IN THE NUDE. TU, NEXT.

 

BEST

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

I like this dress for myself, so complete biased judgment here but she looks gr8.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

I feel like Alicia Keys sneaks under the radar a lot but as I’m watching this show I’m remembering how she’s a total badass who can let it rip like nobody’s biz. She also has the most soothing voice on earth. AND she can play two pianos at once. What a baws.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

WHEN DID ASHANTI GET CLASSY?! Claps for you, boo. Don’t need to show the goods to get Ja’s attention. Just need a million dollar idea on Pablo Escobar’s island. ZING.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Y’all know how hard I’ve been vibin jumpsuits lately and this one has sparkles, so sold.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

I like the pink, I like the glitz and I like that Camila didn’t treat us to a view of her areolas.

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

YaaAAaAasssssss

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

These two literally swapped hair dos and it makes me giggle a lot.

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

This is a pretty and tasteful way to do flesh tones. Red lip seals the deal, otherwise she’s head to toe one color basically.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Shawn looks like a wax statue but suit is on point.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Miley’s so pretty when she doesn’t have a buzzcut and her bits on display. Well, fully on display.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Hair/Makeup not great but the dress is lovely.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Post Malone has worn me down. His tattooed ass face and weird cowboy outfits have numbed me. This is the best one I’ve seen yet. I like pink and I like stars, thus, you win this round, cowpoke.

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Yo, real talk, where the hell has Tori Kelly been? I need her to wail onstage REAL soon.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

OooOhh stripey, me likey.

FAVE LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

I’ve seen Gaga out here all awards season being so classy and trying not to let her meat dress wearin weirdness out because she’s being honored for a serious acting role. And I’d like to acknowledge that. She’s been looking like a dime piece and this has been my favorite look of hers so far. I have hair envy of those casual beach waves. AND on top of her red carpet look, she wore a sassy glitter jumpsuit (with matching eyeliner) for her performance. Writhing & scary face at the end aside, she’s really pulled out all the stops at the Grammys and I’m excited to see what she debuts at the Oscars. YOU GO, GURL!

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 2/4/19

1. Biebz Waited for Marriage.

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The “Newlyweds” who got married in a court house and can’t seem to set a date for their party with all of their squad to celebrate, got a nice lil Vogue spread divulging some juicy deets and a whole lot of matching outfits. Shot by Annie Leibovitz (Classic), here’s a bunch of pictures of the two of them being young and famous and tattooed in matching separates.

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In addition to these lovely pics, the interview revealed that JB went celibate prior to getting engaged, to feel closer to his homie, God, and to figure out some shit because he was poppin xannie’s & banging strange for quite a while. Long story short, they got married at a court house five minutes after they got engaged because they were “waiting until marriage” to have sex. Which is laugh out loud funny. No one even knew they were dating, he was back on that Selena grind for a while then suddenly he’s engaged and gets married because he needs that good good (sober, hopefully.) But seriously though, this is a real quote from JB himself, “[God] doesn’t ask us not to have sex for him because he wants rules and stuff…” Spoken like a true poet. He believes God rewarded him with Hailey after he stopped slutting it up. Other revelations: church brought them back together (in case that wasn’t clear already), he calls her his baby boo, oh, and … “The thing is, marriage is very hard,” says Hailey. “That is the sentence you should lead with. It’s really effing hard.” GUD LUCK GUYZ!!! KByyyyyeeeeEeeeEeeeEe.

(If you want to read the full interview and find out about how Haley and JB were “homies” at first plus hear the deets on Justin’s Britney-esque meltdown, click HERE!)

2. J.Law is Engaged.

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Hollywood’s favorite relatable goofy chick has apparently gotten engaged and I didn’t even know she was dating anyone. Last I heard she was banging her director twice her age and it was feeling a little creepy, even if it wasn’t #MeToo era. Her engagement was such a shock, in fact, that when the boyf tried to scoop us on the celeb news, we berated him that it wasn’t People.com official yet. Well, it became People official and literally no one knows who this jabroni is. His name is Cooke, he’s a BFD in the art world and they’ve been dating like 6 months. It’s almost like none of these celebrities read my blog because if they did, they’d see THAT THESE IMMEDIATE ENGAGEMENTS WILL NOT LAST. AM I SCReAmING inTO A VOID?! DID ANYONE LEARN ANYTHING FROM PETE & ARI?!

3. Everyone Hates the Grammys This Year.

Speaking of Ari, she’s not going to be in attendance at the Grammys this year because the producers did her dirty. And then lied about it. So she’s thank u, nexting the Grammys. SUPER dumb move by the producers here because she released two albums in one year of nothin but the hitz and also created my favorite phrase to annoy my boyfriend with when I want him to stop talking about something. Doesn’t get much bigger than that. And now we can’t even see her do a sassy live performance. ON TOP of that, Taylor isn’t coming either. And was nominated for like 1 Grammy and it’s not even Album of the Year. Did anyone hear Reputation? DID THEY NOT SEE THAT SHE’S BACK AND SHE’S A BADD BITCH NOW?! I mean honestly, the snub alone is enough to make me not want to watch. And now I learn that no one is coming OR performing. The Grammys better woo me back QUICK or I’m boycotting. (Red Carpet will still be posted promptly at 9am the next morning.)

4. The Gays Love Each Other Too.

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It’s finally time for a gay rom com! I feel weird about the fact that it’s 2019 and this is now just happening. Either way, Billy Eichner has been tapped as the lead and Judd Apatow will produce, so you know it’ll be entertaining AND disgusting. I feel like my sister and I willed this into existence because just last weekend we were talking about how Jonathan Bennett (Aaron Samuels) is the lead in basically every Hally or Lifetime flick and we have a hard time believing in the love story every single time because he’s flamingly gay. We were really rooting for him to get his own gay rom com on Hallmark, but this works too. You’re welcome, everyone.

5. Party of Five Reboot, Deportation Style.

NIKO GUARDADO, BRANDON LARRACUENTE, ELLE PARIS LEGASPI, EMILY TOSTA

My first year out of college, instead of looking for an apartment or like creating my own adulthood independence, I lived at home with my parents and watched the entire series of Party of Five bootleg style on my laptop in my bedroom with the door closed. I basically regressed to being 13. To the point where my mom gently suggested to me to join a gym and try and make some friends. And I probably replied, The Salingers ARE MY FRIENDS, MOM. GAWD. Because they were. I binged this series in a few months and pretended it was still the 90’s. So naturally, when I saw a clickbait headline about them bringing it back I nearly slobbered all over my keyboard to get to it. WHAT a letdown. This is not a reboot or a reunion. I won’t get to see my old pals Charlie, Bailey, Julia, Claudia and Owen as adults. Instead, it’s a Freeform series that’s about a family of five children whose parents get deported. WUT. How is that the same as your parents dying in a car crash tho? Mr. and Mrs. Salinger are ROLLING in their grave at this association. Don’t ride on Po5’s coattails. Just say you have a new show without bringing visions of an age-defying Scott Wolf coming back into my life.

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Play us out…

 

BONUS: Just for laughs…

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Not included in the headline but important to point out, she’s also never seen him or facetimed with him. Love story for the ages. Or for next season on Catfish. Either way, either way’s fine.

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Red Carpet

SAG Awards Red Carpet 2019

The SAG Awards were so boring that I changed the channel to Total Bellas. Sorry not sorry for wanting to see Nikki Bella handle a breakup with Ferraris, cigars and keg stands. It was worth the watch. Those Bella Twins should be up for a SAG next year for their top notch content on E!

WORST

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

Peplum should’ve died the year that it made its debut.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

Is this a dress made entirely of origami? LMK.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

Insert shouting emoji and clap hands WHITE MEN CANNOT WEAR WHITE TUXES WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE SERIAL KILLERS.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

Why is there a belt just dropped in the middle of her midsection?

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

Tonight’s curtain edition.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

Well this is tough to do. Because John looks like a dime piece. But Emily looks like a vagina. And they posed together so it’s only one pic. Which means Emily’s labia dress just dragged John down to the worst dressed list with her.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

I am so confused.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

This could be my jealousy shining through as I’ve been hitting the gym recently and I will never ever be this skinny if I worked out 24 hours a day but this look just wasn’t doing it for me.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

The host should really bring her A game and glitter applique isn’t cutting it.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

I love me some Michael B. but I cannot get down with the harness trend. It’s so stinkin weird.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

WHAT is happening here.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

Oh God this is bad. From the top bun to the chunky stripper glitter heels. Wooftastic.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

Girl crush coming to a screeching halt for a lot of reasons but also what fresh hell is this?

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

This color is great but no one will ever look good in a three tier cake dress.

 

BEST

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

Lotta love for the men tonight coming through with some fresh suits.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

Curveball, I can be hip and get down with leathers.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

Throwing CZJ a bone for those stems.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

I’m so into jumpsuits right now and Emma looks fab.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

A Star is Born Gaga is killlllin it.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

WHoaOAaa spicy.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

All black and looking hella elegant.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

Can always count on Mandy to look amahzing.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

I love anyone who rolls on the red carpet with shades on. The sun NEVER sets on cool.

FAVE LOOK OF THE NIGHT

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

I love everything about this and I’m not afraid to admit it.

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Concert, Movies, Pop Culture

Top Fyre Fest Revelations

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As I’m sure you heard, Netflix and Hulu chose a particularly wintery-don’t-wanna-leave-the-couch week to drop two dueling documentaries on the horrific dumpster fYre that took place a couple years ago. As originally reported on the Weekly JUice where I pointed a heavy finger at Ja Rule (or Ja, as I learned his “business partners” and friends call him), this music festival was created to be an exclusive event on a private island for rich millennials, except for the fact that when they all arrived their accommodations were FEMA tents with no food or water and whoopsie there were also no musical acts booked. Obviously Twitter rants ensued and all of us poor people who would never drop 5 grand for a trip to an island music festival sat in our office chairs with tears rolling down our cheeks from laughing uncontrollably. Just me? Whatevs.

Each doc provided a behind the scenes view of what led to this. Spoiler alert: the most stupidity you will ever feast your eyes upon. Although both had different footage/interviews, if you’re looking to just watch one, Netflix takes the cake. They partnered with Fuck Jerry, the media company that had all of the juicy BTS footage and boy was that worth a watch. Hulu offered an exclusive interview with the mastermind dirtbag himself, Billy McFarland. Although if we’re being real here, the Billy that filmed himself wanting to document his creative process (partying) is FAR more telling than the Billy that was paid to sit down for a formal interview and chose not to answer half the questions. Jus sayin. Strap in for the best and most ridiculous revelations from the two docs where my jaw had a permanent residency on the floor.

1. Andy being extorted by someone half his age to suck Customs D. 

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Andy. Who hurt you? Some view Andy as a ride or die. I view him as a lil bitch who is literally crying every day but still cleaning up messes from someone half his age. The only logical conclusion is that Billy has something on Andy. Judging by Billy’s character, my first assumption would be some sort of financial fraud. Anyone who willingly comes running every time Billy wah wah’s about the latest disaster CANNOT be doing that just because they like the guy. When he casj AF drops in the, Billy asked me to suck the Custom guy’s D and I swished around some mouthwash and flew right over there, I was literally in shock. HOW. WHAT. WHY. Andy is 100% the person whose still visiting Billy in prison and can’t wait until he comes out so that they can embark on a new business venture together.

2. Partying like Rockstars, F*cking like Pornstars

I couldn’t pick just one jaw dropping aspect of Billy and Ja’s time on the island leading up to this disaster so I broke it down to my favorite three. Basically all of these moments fall under the umbrella of the fact that this crew did NOTHING but party for the 3 or 4 months leading up to this event. The fact that it’s actually a good event idea but would take 1-2 years to build the foundation and these jabronis threw out a promo video and sold tickets 4 months ahead of it and didn’t plan one single thing is so frustrating in itself, but then to watch their “visits” to the island contain jetskiing, drinking and hearing Ja Rule give stupid cliche party toasts made it 1 bazillion times worse. At one point in the Hulu doc, Ja just does blow on camera. Cool bruh.

a. Billy spilling beer on the map that says this won’t work

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The two masterminds recruit a guy who knows the island and he’s like hey look at how much space you need versus how many tickets you sold, this maybe isn’t a good idea. And Billy spills his beer on the map. Then fires the guy. Sick.

b. ZERO gravity!

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Aforementioned guy who actually sounded pretty reasonable when he was like Hey Billy, this won’t work is actually the SAME guy who apparently learned how to fly a PJ based on like a video game or simulator and all of the douchebags/influencers who came every weekend to party were like OMG he gives the best zero gravity rides. No, morons, you were just getting in a small aircraft with someone whose never flown it before (probably drunk or high) and letting it fall from the sky. The wild things rich people do for kicks.

c. Pig island=Bhole island.

 

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This point was actually more so because of the Bachelor and the fact that pig island is marketed as this adorable fun thing but pigs are actually gross and being stuck on an island with them probably isn’t fun at all. The porkers going after all these dainty models’ bholes and them running and screaming was high entertainment. PAY THOUSANDS OF BUCKS TO COME TAKE INSTAS WITH PIGS LIKE THESE MODELS. Notttttttt.

3. MASS CHAOS.

Look we all heard about the shit show that was people showing up and not having any housing or food. And we ALL remember the cheese sandwich. Probably the most reported aspect of this entire festival. But what was learned through these docs is that if you bring a bunch of entitled young adults to an island in another country, fill them with booze and then basically release them into the wild to find sleeping arrangements for the night, they’re going to act like animals. At first it was like everyone’s drunk and trying to find a tent and a mattress, ahhhh! Then it escalated REAL QUICK to:

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and then that went rrrrright into peeing on mattresses and looting. WHAT?! How is this a normal reaction?! Obviously not one police officer in sight. Supes normz for thousands of people coming to a music festival.

4. Do I want to be an influencer when I grow up?

I’ve never heard the word influencer more in my life and I’d feel good about going the rest of my life never having to hear it again. I know I probably have no leg to stand on here, as I blog about pop culture, but SERIOUSLY HOW IS THIS A CAREER?! Not only is influencer a career, but these influencers, most of whom I’ve never heard of were PAID to come to this festival. Just so that they could Youtube, and Insta and whatever else live stream their trip. The portion of both docs where it shows random internet people just live stream narrating their flight made me want to set my apt on fire. Mostly because I too would like to be paid $250,000 to post an instagram just telling people to go to a festival. YEAH THAT’S RIGHT KENDALL JENNER, I CALL BULLSHIT! Girl was never even affiliated with this festival but had no issues accepting a wire transfer in exchange for one insta post. Woof. Barf everywhere. Ok before I have a full on mental breakdown about how many people in this world probably call themselves influencers, let’s go right ahead and call them out for DEFINITELY having enough money and not sending it right to the Bahamians that were screwed over.

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Instead, we all (I’m using we in a very general state, I did not put any of my personal money up) raised the funds for this sweet, sweet woman to have a savings again. So you owe us Kendall. YOU OWE US.

5. Frauders never stop frauding.

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By far the most shocking thing out of this whole shit show, the thing that I still couldn’t get past is Billy getting INDICTED, doing some jail time, being out on bail and starting up a fresh scam with the SAME EXACT CONTACT LIST AS FYRE FEST. Not only basically making it the most obvious thing in the world that it’s him scamming again for tickets that don’t exist and using a frontman to make the phone calls, but HE FILMS IT ALL TOO.

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“Hey are you guys looking for cold hard proof that I can’t stop extorting people? YOU BETTER COME FIND ME (in my penthouse, with a full video shoot setup, using the same phone number and email I’ve always used.)” – Billy, probably. Also shout out to the Hulu version for letting us know that he also tried planning Fyre Fest 2018 immediately afterward as well. You and Ja deserve each other, Billy.

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Honorable Shout-out for no particular reason:
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I genuinely would’ve appreciated a phonetic spelling of this name.
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Do you feel dumber having read that entire blog? Great. We’re all on the same page now.
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Red Carpet

Critic’s Choice Awards Red Carpet 2019

Didn’t watch these but when has that ever stopped me from salivating over the red carpet? Don’t answer that.

WORST

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

I think the fact that this is basically a one piece tux is throwing me off. I wonder if she’s wearing a diaper because there’s NO WAY that’s easy to disrobe for bathroom times.

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

Remember last week when I told Amy Adams to take a risk? Yeah I didn’t mean wearing the exact same dress with puffier sleeves.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

Flew too close to the sun last week as my best dressed couple of the night. This was a hard fall and I feel v. disappointed.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

WTF CONNIE?! Full body sequins AND a puke lime green?! Even your hair isn’t in it’s typical Tami Taylor mermaid wave. Clean it up.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

Yay to the fact that full frontal exposure will be translating to every carpet this season!

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Press Room

KeWL more BeWbZ!

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

YELLOW. SUNGLASSES. (Also for someone whose wah wahing about always playing gay characters…)

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

Hold me….like the river Jordan….(for those of you who still haven’t seen Free Willy cough cough KAT, this is an Orca reference)

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

TYSM Laura, for giving us a new twist on showing off your rack. The asymmetrical  boob peephole.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

Why put a Victorian spin on nudity?

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

This is LOUD.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

Quite literally looks like blood stains dribbling down her dress.

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

As a tip from one curly head to another, bangs don’t work on us. Just something you have to come to accept.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Press Room

Sarah sees my cleavage rant and raises the stakes to a WHOLE NOTHA LEVEL.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

I feel like both of these outfits could’ve been found in the linens section. Tablecloth meets curtain.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Red Carpet

It has become very clear he’s just looking to make waves at every appearance this awards season. The only waves you’ll be making is treading water on my worst dressed. Boom. Roasted.

BEST

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

WHOA the color, the texture, it’s electric!

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

Sparkly! And even though there’s a peep, it doesn’t lead to nipples. I approve!

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

My overwhelming love for a matching lip and dress far outweighs my hate for this ultra deep front V trend.

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

This is a shower curtain but honestly I’m hard up for best dressed and this is Lady Gaga’s time to shine.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Red Carpet

Throwing Regina a bone because even though this is pageant-esque, purple is my favorite color and it looks good on her.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

Wins the DAYUMMNNNNN award of the night.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

THIS JACKET!

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

The white looks clean and classy but I think we could’ve lost the cape here.

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

My namesake going for sexy without being skanky. Always a fine line.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

My second namesake is KILLIN this year so far. Love the sparkly deets.

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

Royal blue is always a good choice for Mom. Where’s dad?

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

Brown or burgundy? Not sure but he looks like a babe.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

I’m into this light grey twist.

FAVE LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

Makeup, hair and dress on point!

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Red Carpet

Golden Globes Red Carpet 2019

WHADDDUPPPP AWARDS SZN! How ya derrrrin? Obviously I’m excited that my favorite winter pick-me-up has arrived. Because no matter what anyone says, nothing will ever beat the high of sitting on the couch in flannel pjs, still on a holiday eating schedule (24/7) shouting at the TV that someone looks like trash on one of the biggest nights of their life. Every season presents a different style that everyone latches onto (that I inevitably cannot stand) and this year was the deep cleavage v. If I can see your chin clean down to your belly button without obstruction, you’re getting tossed on the worst dressed and those are just FACTS. I recently dabbled in the cleavage game (new for me) at a wedding and I literally got my already modest v-neck sewn closer together the day before the wedding because you know what is even more alluring than showing your entire front? Leaving something to the imagination. Take notes from me and my boob etiquette, Hollywood. Let’s see how those who did or did not cover their nips fared.

WORST

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Last year her nips punched through the tv screen and poked my eye out so hopefully she’s opted for a bra this year but either way this dress is goo.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Is this like 80’s picture day or a bad wedding or what?

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Irina looks like a Vegas show girl and Bradley STINKS without a little scruff. I mean seriously he looks like a wax figure and a white suit does not complement that.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Remember when Taylor Swift sang about Camilla Belle being a big hoebag? Lolz. Great mems. Regardless, this eye shadow/slicked back hair is woof.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Since when does Chris Messina think he can go all Draco Malfoy up in this B? (To show how old I am, E News will 100% post this picture and caption it “ZADDY”)

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Hot damn is this dress tacky and a terrible color.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

I love the style of this dress but I’m so not about that flesh tones life. Is she naked? Look quickly and yes, yes she is.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Well this is loud.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

And this is the opposite of loud. Are you 90, Emma?

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Now begins the portion of the program where I dump all over Hollywood’s titties. I DON’T NEED TO SEE THIS.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

PUT THEM AWAY. WE GET IT. YOU HAVE BOOBS. CALM YOURSELF.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

I shouldn’t be able to tickle your belly button on the red carpet.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Why are you even wearing anything? At this point just walk naked.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

ZOMG more full frontal nudity!

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

This dress is hideous first and foremost. The over the top boobage is just the cherry on top of the wreckage.

NBC's "76th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

I’m sorry, what?!

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

I don’t understand what’s happening here and therefore it blows.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

My lord, PUT IT AWAY. ALL OF IT. KNOCK IT OFF , LADIES. This is an awards show not the boom boom room at 3am.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

One shoulder taffeta. Yikes.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

More bewbz and let’s add in some ruffles.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Kid’s art project 101.

NBC's "76th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

jerry

I rest my case.

NBC's "76th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

There’s so many things sticking out. The great war of puffy shoulder vs. erect hair.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Ice dancer?

NBC's "76th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

Miss Frizzle teaching us about the solar system?

BEST

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Because I’m not a total prude and I can handle cleavage sans navel, Allison is getting after it in this outfit. I also love the chunky jewels.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Chrissy Metz may have called her a bitch but I think this outfit is killin it. Dave looks like a baller too.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

It’s often a red carpet trend that the ladies of SNL/comedy in general dress like they’re wearing paper bags and I feel like this is a fresh change up.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Amy plays it safe every time. This isn’t really doing it for me but it’s also not necessarily a WORST look. I think she could stand to take some risks though.

NBC's "76th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

Classy and elegant.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Not the top look I’ve ever seen from the Connster but she still looks like a dime piece as always.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

V. traditional ball gown and respectable that someone her age isn’t showing up in a mesh dress judging by the trends these days.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

VERSACE VERSACE VERSACE. I don’t know if this is Versace but it kind of should be.

NBC's "76th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

MOM AND DAD FOR LIFE. Also I understand the hypocrisy of calling out all the hoochies with their top half nudity and then approving of this but let it be known that this dress is actually cute so it’s different.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

This season’s installment of dresses I want to take a nap in. Also, Debra photographs well but up close? Yeesh.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

PRINCESSSSSSSSSS

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Sparkly and not cleavage down to her ankles!

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

TBH, I walked in from work to this look and I was like whoa that’s a lot. Then it really grew on me. Only Lady Gagz would match her hair to her dress. The sleeves kind of suck, but the color is great and she looks beautiful in the shallow, shalalalllalalowwwwwwww world of Hollywood.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Glenn Close gives good cape.

NBC's "76th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

Honestly I laughed out loud when I saw this because people HATE Anne Hathaway. Like HARDCORE HATE someone for no reason and she just stunts up to the red carpet in 2019 dressed like she’s Sammi Sweetheart looking for some Ron Ron Juice in Seaside Heights circa 2010. and I LOVE IT. Get it, girl, Cheetah girls, cheetah sisters.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

I like it. (I’m running out of things to say.)

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Not the slightest clue who this jabroni is but the COCKINESS of his stance, tossing that jacket open and rocking the one hand in pocket prom pose. Couldn’t love it more.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Peep those green suede shoes on Idris, tho.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

JLC poppin that leg like she invented it.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

This almost won my favorite look of the night because it’s Julia Roberts and also she looks amahzing.

NBC's "76th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

Can’t ever beat a dress with pockets, don’t @ me.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Lookin like a red velvet cupcake snack!

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Gr8 color choice, not so gr8 dress choice.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Rare Nicole Kidman compliment: She looks good.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Hot DAMN disco ball!

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

❤ the jacket and the fact that Ryan openly admits on the red carpet to each celebrity that he just watched their movie because he was going to be interviewing them.

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Babe soda couple alert!

NBC's "76th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

Host looks good, wifey not so much.

FIJI Water At The 76th Annual Golden Globe Awards

I spy some gold toed shoesiez!

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

DAWSON LEERY! Gasp.

NBC's "76th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Show - Roaming

SURPRISE! Taylor Swift strutted those stems out onto the stage to present a few awards and I almost screamed at my TV. Whatta babe.

QWEENS OF THE NIGHT:

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals76th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivalsbluntkrasinski

Holy hell these two owned it. Separately AND together.

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