Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – Crusty Lashes

Breaking news: Juan Pablo is married. Are we supposed to care about that? It was literally straight crickets when Chris Harrison felt it was necessary to pop off the finale with that announcement. Wasn’t he like the most hated bachelor ever? Not to mention there are no pictures, no exclusive interview, nothing. From one fellow scoopee to another, if you’re going to share news that no one gives a shit about, at least jazz it up with a pic. Hot start to wasting our time.

In a SUPRISING AND DRAMATIC twist, Rachel has to watch the finale live with Chris Harrison and a studio audience then face the rejects. Clearly grasping at straws for anything they can do at this point to spice up the final three excruciating hours of this season. Unfortunately rather than this being spicy, it basically just means that we watch Rachel tell us about her feelings and reflect on each experience on the show, then the camera cuts to Rachel telling us about her feelings and reflecting on each experience. BUT IT’S LIVE! Spoiler alert: Rachel still thinks each moment was “tough”. At least she looks like a babe soda.

Back in Rioja, Spain…

Rachel and Peter decide that since they’re both falling in love they should just pretend the engagement disagreement never happened. Peter gets the key to her vagina for the night. Good choice, Rachel. I approve.

Rachel and Bryan take horses through the vineyard and stare at each other a lot. Later he tells her how much he loves her and is in love with her forever and ever. He gets the booty card. The next morning he says, “We’re back on track, the chemistry is hotter than ever.” We get it, you boned.

The LAST Rose Ceremony

Rachel makes a speech about how she didn’t come here for a boyfriend, she wants that proposal. ***Laser focused on Peter**** It’s all for nothing though because she says goodbye to Eric. GURL. Why even make that speech? She tells Eric that she loves him but she’s not in love. It’s weird how I almost called Bryan and Peter as bottom two in like…the second week. OH WAIT I DID.

Over in fluffland at the Hollywood studio, Eric comes onstage and he’s like super graceful and thankful for the experience and not bitter at all. SOMEONE is looking for that Bachelor spot. The rest of the conversation between him and Rachel is completely forgettable, at best. What’s not forgettable is his new facial hair that is doing things for America. We see you, Eric.

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Hot Air Balloon Ride with Bry

The two make out in the sky and later Bryan gives Rachel a Spanish dictionary called “Bryan and Rachel’s Spanish Dictionary.” Basically he took a Spanish dictionary and put a piece of computer paper over the top of it like a book sock and wrote wife, husband, forever and “Big Rach” in the front cover. Hey Bryan, if you want her to pick you, maybe don’t call her Grande Rach. Like ever.

Church with Pete

They go to church to scare Peter further about marriage. Just kidding, they talk about saints and shit. Then that sly motherfucker of a monk is like will you become…how you say…married? And Rachel is like NOPE. Yeah this date will help things along. Peter is just wondering “about life, love, and everything in between.” And THAT is what we call scripted reality TV. I don’t care how much we all crush on Peter (A LOT), there’s no way he came up with that on his own. He then lists all the experiences he wants to have with Rachel like paint n sip and the farmers market. Yes, that’s called dating.

Later, he says he knows he’s in love and sees forever with Rachel but he’s not ready to propose. They repeat the same argument and both stand strongly in opposition. Peter’s like fine, I’ll propose if that means we can be together. And Rachel is like if you don’t want to, don’t do it. SHE WANTS HIM TO WANT TO PROPOSE. Could this be a more typical argument? Anyway, I think I blacked out for a little bit because I just figured they’d work their way through this and suddenly they’re kissing goodbye and Peter is ripping his JCrew sweater off to sob into it. Mmmm, muscles.

Chris Harrison rudely interrupts this to call it a breakup. I don’t know if I was just being naive but I 1000% thought they were just like let’s sleep on this and that Peter was going to bounce back the next day. I almost cried my eyelashes off with this jarring realization that they’re dunzo. (And my eyelashes are real…not to brag.)

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Peter makes an appearance in the hot seat and to say it’s pReTtY awkward would be the understatement of the century. I guess when I blacked out Peter was like you’re going to have a mediocre life without me. Kinda bitter but like Rachel sass handing him and telling him she’s living her best life was also unnecessary. GIRL DON’T YOU TALK TO PETER LIKE THAT.  Since Peter will obviously want that Bach nod, Rachel declares this process isn’t for him in attempts to curbstomp that dream. Rachel is literally every woman ever after a shitty breakup. I’M LIVING MY BEST LIFE BUT YOU DATE OTHER PEOPLE ON TV AND I’LL CUT YOU. PS let’s not gloss over the fact that Peter says he walked by Rachel’s crusty lashes stuck to the floor for two days, and thought about what he’d done. #ROMANCE. But seriously, clean those up. That’s disgusting.

PS do you think Bryan is about to hang himself by the curtains backstage listening to this? He could not more clearly be the last resort choice.

Back to the show–Rachel feels like she’s rushing it with Bryan after she loses Peter. BECAUSE SHE’S STILL IN LOooOVE WITH PETER and WISHES HE WOULD PROPOSE TRALALAAAAAA. During the proposal that was given away basically at the top of this three hour pile of steaming garbage, Bryan repeats the dumb Spanish line he said the first night…to bring it full circle. Then he also creepily says their first kiss was like a chemistry bomb exploded. Aaand apparently we’re also bringing it full circle to Bryan being gross. Rachel is like my heart is confused but I love you so much and I see my future in you. Yep this is everlasting love, folks. Also: pear shaped ring. Wuph.

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During the “After Show”, Bryan re-proposes to further remind us why we all hate him and they tongue smash each other onstage mere inches away from Chris Harrison. HOW CAN HE JUST SIT THERE AND WITNESS THAT WITHOUT TOSSING HIS COOKIES?! The couple that everyone definitely hates is considering moving to LA. WOW what a shocker. Rachel says, “We just want to live a normal life and get to know each other and spend time together.” Cough cough, EXACTLY WHAT PETER WANTED. Whatevz. Enjoy your month of press before your inevitable breakup, guys. You deserve nothing but the best.

*Editors Note: If the next season of this show is as unwatchable as these past two have been I’m officially declaring myself #done with this franchise. I’ve given it a fair chance. You hear this ABC? Clean it up or The Salty Ju is OUT.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – Black History 101

MTA

If Men Tell All was treated like a Comedy Central Roast it would put asses in the seats. Just sayin. 2 hours of people continuing their fights we’re already bored of and apologizing for acting like total bholes on TV (to further their acting careers) is a waste of all of our precious time. With all the racial tension this season we really could’ve used some well-written jokes and Chris Harrison acting as the Jeff Ross of ABC to bring the house down. Just kidding, Chris’s only joke all night was about how they beefed up security for this taping and by that he means he’s been lifting weights. Get off the stage, Chris.

The dais consists of: Jamey, Diggy, Blake, Iggy, Anthony, Lucas, Fred, DeMario, Alex, Jonathan, Lee, Jack Stone, Josiah, Will, Matt, Kenny, Adam, Dean

I regret to inform you that Jack Stone doesn’t utter a peep all episode…not even a glimmer of that serial killer stare. Why even show up?

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Jack Stone may have gotten a full name intro to not even speak but Alex and Dean showed UP with their printed jackets and I’m here for it. Adam, I’m NOT here for your wool jacket and what looks like hummingbird printed shirt.

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Jonathan waved daunting tickle hands upon his introduction and there was a literal chill down my spine. I better not see his ticklers grace my screen ever again unless he’s part of a true crime doc. Whaboom gave us nothing other than a whaboom. DeMario unfortunately did the same. Nice try, DMoney. Your rep in the Bachelor franchise is cheater and alleged rapist. You can’t whaboom that out of our memory, try as you might.

Speaking of DeMario, he was first to be questioned by Chris for that little thing where his ratchet ex-gf called him out Maury-style. DeMario claims that Lexi is beat, wanted to be on TV and was just another mouth to him. Did he say that specifically? No. But he did quote a Weeknd lyric and straight up call her a side chick saying they never took pictures together so there’s no actual proof they ever dated. What a class act. I think at one point he compares himself to Bill Clinton? I’m guessing because he also completely denied banging some strange. What a world we live in. Hey DeMario remember when you ‘sploded all over Britney Spears like a total dweeb? The internet doesn’t forget. Whaboom guy gives DeMario daps and says he supports him. Apple, meet tree.

Kenny takes the hot seat to tell everyone that he wanted to establish a friendship first with Rachel, essentially admitting that he completely friend zoned himself. Then of course we jump to the Kenny vs. Lee feud for basically the remainder of the show. Everyone backs Kenny up and says he’s smart and calm and kewl. Lee admits he never was pulled out of a van aggressively and apologizes for never taking the high road or being a good friend. Read: Lee regrets being a real BIIITCH. Probably because everyone hates him and thinks he’s a giant racist and stuff.

lee

You know how 90% of this season as been filler? Yeah well this special is no different. Out comes Mackenzie, Kenny’s teenage daughter who has absolutely no place on this stage unless they’re looking to court her into Bachelorette of 2028. Kenny cries again. Does Kenny just like cry at the existence of his daughter? Cause this is starting to be a little much. If my dad cried every time he saw me I’d be like ok bro, pull it together, you’re embarrassing me. Mackenzie seems pretty chill with it though, especially because that wizard Chris Harrison surprises her with a trip to Disneyland for Kenny’s birthday. Is he serious? Just granting Disney wishes left and right? What can’t this man do? I honestly hope the producers didn’t even plan it. I want to live in a world where Chris Harrison has the power to be like hey go check out Disneyland and then producers have to scramble to make it happen. Realistically they were all probably like, let’s try and look heartwarming and make headlines about Disney and family values instead of the KKK.

Lee the snake has his time to shine when he takes the hot seat and tries to squirm his way out of being a terrible human being. Since Lee is obviously a con artist who is certainly racist but doesn’t really want to be confronted about it on TV so he turns heel and apologizes for nothing whatsoever, let’s talk about wtf is going on with Dean’s hair? He stands up to make some strong points but I don’t even remember what they are because I can’t stop looking at his weird part situation. It looks like he got an uneven haircut. Fire outfit, garbage lettuce. Can’t win ‘em all.

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The real hero of this sode, once again, is Mack Daddy Chris Harrison who’s all, let’s toss those racist and sexist tweets up on the big screen, hmmmm? Josiah descends upon the stage to ask why Lee would go on this season and be a racist MF’er. Lee responds, “I don’t like racism at all.” SOLID rebuttal. Interestingly enough, DeMario, who said Lee and him were dawgz like 10 minutes earlier, leaps out of his seat to teach Lee a lesson in history “1-0-fucking-1.” I would’ve killed to have DeMario clap between shouts about the KKK and NAACP. Mostly I’ve just wanted anyone to actually clap in between words like a fiery emoji-filled tweet. This seemed like an ideal time to do so.

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After the commercial break, Chris Harrison is like let’s review this tweet one more time. Anyone want to act it out? Shall we put it on a marquee lit up next to a headshot of Lee? Seriously CHarrison is the bee’s knees. Everyone wants to know WHY Lee is sorry (cough cough, admit you’re racist.) He doesn’t because this whole thing is bullshit and I refuse to address it anymore. Rachel lays into him even more when she comes out. Lee is a troutsniffer and will always be. That is all.

Fred gives a cringeworthy scripted & definitely practiced speech about how he knew and loved Rachel before he even showed up on the first night and will love her and be happy for her from afar forever and ever (while probably staining his yearbook and camp photos with salty, salty… tears. Were you thinking I was going to say something else? Pervs. JK he’s probably doing that too.) SKINSUIT ALERT. Beef up your security, Rach. Or just like, never go to your high school reunion…or home in general.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – Hola Familia

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Rachel’s home visit is early because he sister is about to poop out a baby and Rachel needs her sis to judge her boyfriends before that happens. I feel ya girl. HOWEVER, Rachel’s super famous judge father CONVENIENTLY isn’t there. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm….

Peter

Peter and Rachel stop at a baby store first to pick out a gift for the newest family member on the way. Peter tells Rachel he is falling in love with her because he hadn’t said it before and he could tell Rachel was NOT feeling confident with that. At family dinner, Peter gets suuuuupes emosh and tells the whole fam that he can’t imagine life without Rachel. Everyone creams their pants at this romantic manifesto. Except for me, because I know there’s no way Peter wins this thing. Why, you ask? Well Peter tells Rachel’s mom that he will not be asking for her dad’s blessing because he wants to make sure he’s ready when he does ask. He basically just wants to date Rachel. Rachel’s mom is like cool because her dad wouldn’t have given his blessing anyway. Bottom line, Rachel ain’t gonna like this very reasonable approach to a completely unreasonable television dating experience. Most importantly, the GOAT Copper makes an appearance. Where have you been, buddy? It looks like his paw is fully healed so there’s really no excuse as to why he hasn’t accompanied the gang on every traveling adventure. I call bullshit.

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Eric

Eric reminds us that he is a child who’s basically never dated or met the fam. His last relationship was only 8 months long and it was 3 years ago. Rachel’s sister is like um, no. Eric asks Rachel’s mom for her blessing and he’s like however you answer will not affect my actions, basically. Bro, don’t tell your girlfriend’s mom you lived the playboy life for years and that you’re gonna propose regardless of her blessing. His closing line for a family home visit is: “Peace and love. You’ll be great.” Oh, ok.

Bryan

Bry kicks off the visit with a little brunchy brunch to meet Rachel’s friends. Apparently we’re not the only ones shocked that he gets a friend hang as well as a family hang because he shouts Oh WOW fifteen times on the way to the restaurant.

He charms the panties off her friends just by saying he’s ready to settle down and how he’s not about playing games. But then he walks out cocky AF saying he won the friends over. When he meets Rachel’s family he spends a solid 5 minutes gushing over his mother and how much he loves her and how she’s the #1 woman in his life. It almost seems a little TOO weird. Rrrrred-red-red flag. That’s all I’m gonna say about that. Rachel’s mom is like your wife should be ranked above your mother, JUS SAYIN. I appreciate you, Kathy. Keep asking the tough questions, it’s TIME TO CRACK CHEEZY BRYAN. Even her sister steps in on truthing Bryan’s real feelings and I almost cheer at my TV. If Rachel’s family can singlehandedly take down Bryan in one dinner, they deserve all the awards. Rachel feels like she’s being attacked by her family and her orange-head bro in law steps in to tell Rachel she’s being too emotional and needs to take a step back. I would’ve drop kicked by brother in law if he told me how to talk to my mother. I kinda wanted to drop kick Rachel’s brother in law but I think that’s mostly because he just kind of has a punchable face and gets on my nerves. Not as much as Bryan does though, he tells Candace that he already feels one with their family and Candace is like we are not one with you. Rachel may have been all about Bryan and his Colombian tongue bathing her face the first time they met but the family is not falling for his BS. Mamma Kathy tells Rachel she’s uncomfortable with the word love at this point and it’s very obvious she just hates Bryan because she was down with love after 6 weeks with both of the other gents. Bryan doesn’t ask for a blessing, he just plans on doing the damn thing. Bold.

La Rioja, Spain

Bryan kicks the soccer ball around with little Spaniards. Peter wears khaki shorts and makes me question why I’m throwing my support behind him.

 We Out Here with Eric

Eric and Rachel “explore” AKA they go sit on a cliff and chat. Rachel asks what he learned about her from the hometown visit and his reply is, “you don’t really need much but you need everything.” It’s safe to say he Michael Scott’ed that one. Started a sentence and didn’t really know how he was going to end it. He tosses more words around, with the buzzword of the conversation being ‘strong’. Eric pretty much knows nothing and is really just trying to coast his way to a couple other countries and some more screen time at this point because he’s clearly not ready for marriage especially not to an independent WOman.

At dinner, Eric lists all their special times together through the journey if we count him listing cities and things as special times. COPENHAGEN. HOT TUB. WORDS. Rachel pushes him to complete a full sentence and he’s like I appreciate how much you challenge me. He tells her how happy he is and how he’s in love with her. It’s almost as if he knows that’s the password to the fantasy suite. Eric milks it for all its worth, doing a dramatic reading of the come into my bedroom card (THAT IS THE SAME EVERY SINGLE SEASON). I’m surprised he didn’t stand up and act out every sentence. Quit while you’re ahead, Eric. He’s shirtless the morning after. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

Besos with Peter

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The vineyard owner talks to them in only Spanish and they pretend to understand it all. Peter doesn’t pretend that hard when he just about nods his head off. Then vineyard man awkwardly sings at them and gives me all the uncomfies. Can you imagine someone standing 2 inches away from you singing right in your grillpiece in a different language? That sounds like a nightmare. One time I was front row at open mic night and a comedian went up there to try some poorly written material and I wanted to die probably more than he did. Obviously I do well with social situations. Either way I’m sure it would’ve been appreciated if producers tossed some subtitles at these two as they were clearly struggling with this language barrier. They get a key to their “own” wine cellar AKA a cage with a temporary whiteboard tag attached to it. Production value was low here. Then, during their super serious conversation about marriage, a stray child lurks in the corner and suddenly that means it’s time to have a family grape stomping sesh. Perfect timing to bring back the best grape stompin ever created. (Hey, I gotta do something to liven up this dirt.com show/blog)

Per family tradition, Peter gives Rachel a cork from today and asks her to write a small novel on it about their day. It’s sweet but like their initials and a heart would’ve sufficed. Back to the hot topic at hand…Peter is NOT getting down on one knee at the end of this. Rachel speedy Gonzalez didn’t come on this show to find a boyfriend, she wants a huzzzzband. And Peter would only like to get engaged once and not ya know, just for TV because there’s pressure to. PRETTY NORMAL. They can’t find a common ground on this issue, which is like the whole show, so it’s not looking great. Rachel is devastated and obviously it’s to be continued.

I don’t think I need to say it but since this season is so bad I midas whale…these bottom three are DUD city and there’s no way any of them is right for Rachel. You’ve got a guy who clearly isn’t ready for marriage and has had like one college girlfriend, a guy who literally said he will not be proposing at the end of this and a guy who might just end up marrying his mother. Sick season. Since I’ve had such a terrible season to work with I hope you can forgive me mailing it in on every single one of these blogs. Just watch the old lady reporter screaming OW OWOWWWW over and over again and it’ll make it better. See you next week for Men Tell All where we are sure to see Lee get called a BITCH.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – Marry the Family

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Baltimore, MD with Eric

Eric shows Rachel the Inner Harbor and then is like LoLz I didn’t grow up in this area and instead points out drug deals on the way to the court for some ballin. Question: if you’re caught on camera dealing drugs and it makes the cut for a network television show, is that enough evidence for an arrest? Just wondering. Mad respect to Rachel for shooting hoops in her heels. They were chunky heels so it wasn’t preposterous but like don’t try to be a hero, Rach. Suddenly out of nowhere, Eric’s BFF shows up to read a script about how proud of Eric he is and describe him as a positive ray of light and role model to all. At the end of his speech he disappears because his work here is done. Eric is a star amongst jailbirds, we get it.

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Rachel is also the first girl he’s brought home so the pressure is on. Eric’s fam is at a hotel because hometown visit really means rent out a conference room staged as a living room. Eric’s family is dressed to the nines in ball gowns and sparkles. Within the first five minutes the whole crew does a coordinated dance in excitement. I cringe the MOST but Rachel is living for it. It’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen. Eric’s aunt immediately loves Rachel and conducts a 20/20 interview about what it’s like being the first black bachelorette and how everything is going. She seems cool AF. On the other hand, Eric’s mom basically tells him that she raised him to be strong and independent and bury his feelings and he couldn’t have gotten this opportunity without that. UM?? Eric tells Rachel at the end of the night, “Like damn I really love this girl, what I mean is I really care for you.” Because love apparently doesn’t mean caring, so we needed that clarification. Rachel loves it so much and re-quotes it to the camera. It’s the stupidest thing I’ve heard but obviously girl is swept off her feet for Eric, so whatevs.

Miami, FL with Brian

I’d rather watch Rachel do the Carlton with Eric’s family 1 trillion times than see Bryan suction his mouth onto hers ONE MORE TIME. Brian sits down with his mom and she outs him for being a real manwhore. She’s like you’ve dated every girl on this planet, like you’ve traveled the world to bang some strange and you fall in love on a TV show? I call bullshit. YA, we all do. Momma tells Rachel that Brian is her life, in a very threatening way. Can’t see why his ex girlfriend didn’t like her. At the end of the night, Bryan, wearing an ombre red golf polo (hard no) tells Rachel that he’s falling in love with her. Or at least that’s what she says. I’m 100% confident I did not hear those words come out of his mouth. Regardless, we’ve gone yet another week with Bryan’s smooth talking and deep tonguing and we still don’t know why he’s middle aged and single and his only relationship story is about his girlfriend not liking his mom. MAKE IT HAPPEN, ABC.

Madison, WI with Peter

Peter introduces Rachel to some of his friends, specifically to show America that he kicks it with black folks. Not just A black friend, EIGHT black friends. #DiversityDay. Not only is he completely blatant with this group hang but also apparently he’s bragged to Rachel that 80% of his friends are black. So that’s how you win the girl. His bros tell him not to F it up even if he’s terrified of getting engaged, which he is.

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At his family’s house, Peter goes where do we start? And Rachel proves that she has a script for every home visit when she goes FROM THE BEGINNING! (for the third time this episode) Pete snuggles up with his niece and Rachel is all PUT A BABY IN ME! Same, girl, same. Peter’s mom says he’s ready for a commitment but maybe not a proposal and Rachel is not liking that even for a minute. WHY DON’T YOU WANT A NORMAL GUY WHO CAN’T PROPOSE TO A GIRL AFTER A FEW WEEKS?! Chill on it. He says he’s very happy but you can tell that’s not enough for Rachel. She wants that L word. (I assumed Peter would be going home but really was just too focused on getting to the main event to really be sad…Dean’s father.)

In the Woods (Colorado?) with Dean

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After one too many teasers, I waited in anticipation all episode for the big reveal that was Dean’s family. It starts out with Rachel calling Dean her “beautiful surprise” which is a pretty weird nickname, tbh. Then we get to the good stuff. Dean announces that his father was traditional growing up but now is a “Sikh of some sort” and has given himself the name, “PARAMROOP S. KHAHSA” (My friend googled it for me, so that’s the real deal.) You know when you introduce yourself to someone and they say their name once and you have literally no clue what collision of letters that could be so you ask them to repeat it and when they do there’s still no hope so you just smile and say nice to meet you? Yeah that’s pretty much Rachel’s reaction to Dean giving her this information. She’s like ok cool haha so what should I call him? And Dean is like Paramroop. And I suspect that’s the exact moment she decided to not open her mouth unless spoken to at this family event. BTW, dad’s name used to be Chip. So that’s quite a transformation.

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Upon arrival, Paramroop with one stink eye and eyebrows brushed up to the sky, makes everyone lay down while he plays the gong. Dean pretty much wants to leave this earth from embarrassment. Not even just from his dad gonging out hard, but probably also from the fact that his whole family is sitting in a circle and acting like they’re all besties and haven’t gone years without talking. There’s a gift of feathers in honor of Dean’s mother who passed and then they are fed a dinner of mung beans.

Dean doesn’t eat the bowl of dirt and lies that he’s stuffed from all the air he ate before the visit. Then I can no longer make fun of this date and all of its weirdness because Dean confronts his dad one on one and it’s mostly just sad. Dean expresses his feelings of abandonment and not feeling supported after his mom’s death when he was only 15 and his dad is like yeah I was a real dick but whatevz. Apparently he was a workhorse, which BEGS the question of what P-Dawgz did in his former life. Did he have a career in finance that somehow led him to Eat, Pray, Love find himself a life of sitting on the floor in shades of Lavender and discussing his chakra? The world may never know. Just kidding. The Internet exists. I WILL find out. The convo does not end well. Rachel tries to talk to P-Money and he basically asks her to leave because it’s so uncomfortable and his son clearly hates him. Dean says he’s falling in love with Rachel as they roll around on Dean’s dad’s collection of sitting pillows. BE MORE RESPECTFUL, GUYS.

Rachel talks the dates through with C Harrison because he hasn’t felt useful in a few episodes since the rose ceremonies have been deleted from our regular programming. Chris Harrison’s job is to literally name each man and ask what Rachel thinks about them. Then he asks what she’s gonna do. That’s why he gets paid the big bucks.

Rose Ceremony

Bryan, Eric, Peter.

Dean just isn’t ready for the next step like Rachel is. Also his family is a bunch of selfish assholes. Fortunately, ABC announced his spot on Paradise weeks ago so we know he’ll be fine.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/10/17

Hey remember when I used to razz real hard on the headlines from the week and everyone was like CAN’T WAIT TILL FRIDAY so I can hear the important opinions of The Salty Ju on buzzworthy topics?! Well Hollywood’s been a real drag this summer and I wasn’t about to do 5 bullet points on Slob Kardashian vs. Blac Chyna so I went on hiatus. But I’ve pulled myself out of retirement because the Queen has finally broken her vow of silence and I simply cannot go down without shouting my opinions across the internet in rebuttal.

1. Sir Carter & Rumi.

Sir Carter and Rumi 1 month today. 🙏🏽❤️👨🏽👩🏽👧🏽👶🏾👶🏾

A post shared by Beyoncé (@beyonce) on

Staying true to her pregnancy announcement photos, Yonce stayed in hiding and released a professional portrait for the announcement. She looks great but let’s focus on the fact that she named her son Sir. As in please SIR, may I have some more? What a DUMB name. That’s like naming your daughter Ma’am…which in itself is offensive because no one under the age of 75 should ever be addressed as Ma’am. I got ma’amed once at a gas station by the attendant and almost took a lighter to the joint. So like this kid is going to grow up a little bit and be confused AF about when someone is talking to him or not. Also, since she put Carter after Sir and not after Rumi, am I to assume that his name is Sir Carter Carter? PLZ clarify this, B. Unless she’s really doubling down on her #FEMINISM and giving the twins her last name, which would mean Blue Ivy has a different last name than her sibs and that would be a real dick move. To be clear, I don’t love the name Rumi either but it’s not as downright preposterous and personally offensive as Sir Carter squared.

2. Wedding Season.

The weekend finally arrived- And it was MAGICAL!!! The weekend my best friend, my love of my life, and my new husband @brookslaich and I brought our family and closest friends together to have fun, encourage love, and celebrate our marriage! I'm so grateful I get to spend forever with this incredibly kind, thoughtful, strong and adventurous man. I'm the luckiest woman in the world to be your wife! It was truly the most special time in our lives and because we believe so much in putting love out into the world to help inspire and encourage others, we have decided to share our special day with all of you. To get an inside look check out the link below! Much love to you all! ❤️ J+B 👰🤵 http://people.com/tv/inside-julianne-hough-brooks-laich-wedding-photos/

A post shared by Julianne Hough (@juleshough) on

Julianne Hough got married to her hockey playin hunk and natch had Marchesa custom design like 1500 things for her to wear through the course of one day. She looked stunning of course and had a body suit created for her reception so she could drop it low in comfort. #Goals.

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3. Emmy Noms.

Click HERE for full list of nominations but know that the only reason I bring this up is because soon enough it’ll be awards season again and I will be glued to my couch with wine and chips calling celeb fashion choices hideous. Also I always like to pat myself on the back when I’ve consumed something worthy of an award. This year I can check two off the list…Big Little Lies and This is Us. I think This is Us is incredibly overrated and everyone is shitting their pants over it just because TV has gotten SO bad but like also I’m not about to stop watching it and be out of sync with what the rest of the world is talking about. Big Little Lies on the other hand was addicting as shit and also might’ve given me a couple of nightmares. I put up with the darkness just so that I could tell people I’m cultured, obv. It’s like when I read 1000 trashy erotic novels and mix in ONE NY bestseller that everyone is buzzing about every year so that when someone says oh what’re you reading, I can swiftly reply with Girl on the Train and spark an intellectual conversation instead of shamefully admitting that I’m currently engrossed in “How to Handle a Cowboy” with a shirtless man on the cover.

4. Winter is Coming.

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Never on this planet am I looking forward to winter especially because summer basically just started and my full-on tan has finally kicked in. HOWEVER, everyone who knows me knows that I love to get down with the Olympics. Last winter Olympics my sister and I watched figure skating every day during work and I threw an Olympics themed house party that consisted of my 4 friends (while my parents were out of town) wearing red, white and blue and me shouting DRINK every time someone fell while skating or skiing. (Or if there was a closeup on Bob Costas’ juicy pink eye) Last summer I declared I was going to throw a round 2 of that party on opening night but then realized that it’s only fun to do in winter when there are no other options but to watch TV and drink. Also I was really hungover. Get ready to party in February 2018 though. Gus, the Sochi puppy rescuer of 2014 is back and figure skating is always LIT. (Are the youths still saying that?) Whatevs. South Korea here we come!

5. Ease Up on that Corduroy Jacket.

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Apparently Zayn and Gigi are the Vogue poster children of gender fluidity because they “wear what’s comfy”. Well this is some bullshit. Just because Gigi throws a track suit on just like her boyfriend she’s suddenly a spokesperson for that new “it” phrase gender fluidity? Get outta town. I wear asexual sweatpant shorts and baggie tees/sweatshirts all the time. I thought it just meant that I was lazy and dressed kind of like a slob kebab, but apparently this whole time I’ve been championing a very important social cause. K.

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POLITICS BONUS:

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The man who sang “Bawitdaba, da bang, da dang diggy diggy” and wears fedoras over a doo rag is running for the US Senate. That is all.

EAR BONUS:

Too bad this song came out this week and narrowly missed the Summer Palooza 2017 cut. It’s pretty bada$$ though and I ship it.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – Still Cutting Dead Weight

Moving our way up through the vacation locales, we’ve arrived in Geneva, Switzerland after a glorious Bachelorette free week. It was ABC’s birthday gift to ‘Merica. Rachel’s gift to these men is telling them at the beginning of the episode that there would be no rose ceremony, thus leaving them to their devices to put their heads together and figure out who will not benefit from this little switcheroo. Cough cough, the only two left that no one remembers the names of, we’re all lookin at you. Seriously though, my dad watched the first five minutes of this episode because I bribed him with a chocolate ice cream bar and the first thing he said was who are these two guys, they’re both ugly when it showed Matt and Adam strategizing on the patio. Classic Dad roast. He’s not wrong though.

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Rich People Stuff with Slobbers McGee

Bryan gets to drive a Bentley around town for a little Swiss watch shopping. Rachel’s all, I love to take care of my man, and Bryan’s all, I’m gonna tongue dive all over your face while we shop for expensive jewels. What a couple of douchers. Bryan calls a watch “a forever gift” (ok.) and is close to bursting into grateful tears as he thanks Rachel for his new timepiece. Rachel can CTFD on pretending for a second that she paid out of pocket for two Swiss watches. Cut the bullshit, girl. Your TV show paid for this trip as well as this date and all gifts included. They will also pay for your engagement ring that you will end up having to give back. NICE TRY THOUGH.

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At night we learn that Bryan’s last serious girlfriend dumped him because she didn’t like his mom or something. Rachel is like I can’t wait to meet your mom here’s a rose followed closely by my tongue. They eat face while violins play.

During this suffocating date, back at the hotel, Dean’s like alright, this jabroni is 37, lives in Miami and has had a lotta time to learn how to smooth talk his way into a lady’s drawers. TRUTH BOMB. #TEAMDEAN (or #TEAMANYONEBUTBRYAN)

Put on your Sunday Best with Dean

Rachel takes Dean to church and not in the way Hozier sings about. So, Bryan gets to drive a Bentley and get blinged out, Dean has to sit through a mass all in French. SUCKKKSSSSS. Church in foreign countries blows big time. I went in Italy and basically got booed out of the joint. It didn’t help that my friend who came with me was wearing what she wore out to the bars the night before. But either way…it’s God’s rule that when you’re worshipping Him, the people around you shouldn’t be judgmental AF. NOT UP IN HERE! Not only did the heffer in front of me act like I was a carrier of SARS during the sign of peace but she also seatblocked me after communion and the entire congregation sounded like they were auditioning to be the phlegm in a Mucinex commercial. In the words of myself, in an email I sent to my father from Florence in 2012 complaining about how mean those turds at the Duomo are:  “Then mass ended so that we could go in peace and learn how to be asshole Italians who treat others poorly in the house of the Lord.” Why did I tell that tale of how Italy is the home of the Pope but they’re the least welcoming Catholics on this planet? Because it’s infinitely more interesting than anything that occurred on this date. HEYYOOOOOO.

Later, Rachel tells Dean that this date sucked. Hey, maybe don’t expect a trip to french church to do anything BUT suck. But either way, Dean confesses that he acted like a weirdo because he doesn’t want Rachel to meet his dysfunctional family who peaced out on him when his mom died. Rachel takes this very obvious “I don’t really wanna be on this show anymore” as an invite for a hometown date. CAN’T W8!

We’re at the Peak of our Relationship with Peter

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Rachel and Peter fly up to Glacier 3000 for a dog sledding adventure. Speaking of dogs WHERE THE F HAS COPPER BEEN THE LAST 4 EPISODES?! Other than watching puppy wuppies run in the snow and Peter’s beautiful cover-ready mug getting more screen time, nothing about this date is particularly noteworthy. Except for the fact that Peter’s most recent girlfriend never met his parents and they just grew apart. He tells this story really dramatically even tossing in the “I watched her crying in my rearview mirror as I drove away” for a pretty low-key breakup. No one died, no one was sick; no one was cheated on or beaten with a high heel. Grow up, Peter. Rachel feels like Petey’s not ready for the ole proposal, probably because he cried over dumping a girlfriend once. She gives him the rose anyway.

Difficulty with Eric, Matt and Adam

Rachel greets the three losers and they all say “THERE SHE IS!” in different tones. Real original. They take a boat to France. Eric’s not afraid no more. Real sentence that dribbled out of his mouth. Rachel sobs to Matt about how he reminds her so much of herself. Is that why the guy who wore a penguin suit the first night to cover up his balding head is still around? Rachel is like I’m crying because I don’t want to meet your family, goodbye. I’m pretty sure the first time they’ve ever kissed was when she was giving him the boot.

Later after Matt (?) is bounced, Adam says, “there she is” in a careless whisper and WOULDN’T YOU KNOW THERE RACHEL IS!!! He takes her aside to tell her about his family and how much he loves her or something I don’t know. He brought a dummy of himself on the first night that was terrifying. He cannot survive one more week on this god-awful show. Eric gets the rose, thankfully. Only a few more weeks everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Movies, Pop Culture

Top Ten Dance Movie Montages

Since I pretty much air out all of my guilty pleasures on this blog, I don’t even know if I can call them guilty pleasures anymore. So this one’s for my fellow loud and proud CHEEZY dance movie lovers. If there’s a movie centered on the art of dance, you can pretty much bet I’ll be watching. It’s my year-round Hallmark holiday movie, so to speak. A love story mixed in with some bada$$ choreography. I like to pretend that I too, could’ve been a professional dancer but unfortunately my elementary ballet with Miss Louise, followed by 2 years of “Jazz” classes in middle school and ending in a Radio Disney dance team tryout where I couldn’t even remember the steps they taught us five minutes prior ended that dream real quick.

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I learned to accept that my best moves will come out between the hours of 11 PM and 4 AM after approximately 100 bud lights. It’s a shame they never created a feature on my Jersey turnpikin’ skillz at the club in college. (There’s still time…) Either way, I’ve learned to truly appreciate a bangin final dance number or montage, the best of which I’ve outlined below.

10. Footloose

Footloose is rounding out the caboose because to be perfectly honest it was before my time and I’ve never actually seen it. It may dishearten a few to hear that I’ve only seen the remake with Julianne Hough and Kenny Wormald. HOWEVER, knowing the history of dance movies, it would be preposterous to leave off the movie centered on a town that BANNED DANCING from this list. So here’s a fun look at when a boy just needs to dance out his feelings, even though he could be arrested for it. #Rebel.

9. Honey

Hoodrat Jessica Alba is the only version I wish to know. From the gold nameplate necklace to the way that she says “we peoples”, I CANNOT LOOK AWAY. Girl gets exclusive beats from DJ Scratch for pete’s sake. And don’t even get me started on how she rocks that “just wear the sleeves” fashion with some baggy camo pants. Honey’s such a good choreographer that she turns someone falling into a dance move! In all seriousness, this movie is #9 because I expect no one who hasn’t seen it yet to ever watch it. It’s embarrassing at best and that’s saying a lot for a movie that features Jadakiss as a “top celebrity”. Bottom line is that you watch this to laugh at Jessica Alba acting street and being the most sought out choreographer in the rap industry. It’s the little things in life that bring me joy. This movie is one of them.

8. Save the Last Dance

Save the Last Dance is that tried and true, mix up a guy from the wrong side of the tracks with a straight laced nerd. I wish Julia Stiles wasn’t such a cream cheese white awkward bird in this movie because 90% if it is cringeworthy. Her wearing a Gap cami and french braids to the club was level 10 embarrassing. A ballet and hip hop mashup should always be appreciated though and that’s why her Juilliard try out made the list. Nothing will ever top your black boyfriend teaching you how to booty pop, grl.

7. High School Musical 3

Although the High School Movie franchise is not technically part of the dance genre, it still counts because Zac Efron’s got moves for daaaays. Real talk, I don’t think I’ve ever faced anything quite as difficult as just choosing one dance number from the 3 HSM movies. Do I go with a Troy Bolton emo solo where he’s contemplating basketball versus theater in the halls of his high school? Tempting for sure. Instead I settled for the duet between these two wildcats. Vanessa Hudgens’ legs look real bangable and it’s no wonder her boyfriend wants to spin her around the rooftop just to ask her to prom. Seriously did you see how effortlessly he swooped her into the air? Sigh.

6. Dirty Dancing

A classic that should never be revisited (I’m talking to you, ABC) and of course the famous lift that every girl wishes her boyfriend could flawlessly perform. Seriously, guys, it shouldn’t be that hard to toss us above your head and hold us there while you spin. May Patrick Swayze and those sassy hips rest in peace as his memory lives on forever through (I’ve Had) The Time of My Life. We owe it all to you.

5. Grease

If I’m gonna slobber all over nobody putting baby in a corner, you bet your ass that Sandy in her bad gurl leathers was making this list. She puts her hussy pants on and is suddenly ready to shimmy it up for her man. I’m only a little jelly of her legs in those pants. Ok fine I’m a lot jelly. (If you’re noticing a trend here with me drooling over every female leads legs, you’re not wrong.) Everyone whose anyone knows that the shake shack is the best part of this routine and it’s not even up for debate.

4. Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

We’ve now arrived at one of the most underrated 80’s dance flicks of all time. SJP and Helen Hunt in their infant years when they were fresh on the Hollywood scene. If you haven’t seen this movie I suggest you watch it immediately if you want to be respected as a theatrical dance movie aficionado. SJP is a catholic school girl with a nazi dad and her counter part is OBV a bad boy but they become dance partners competing for a spot as COVETED Dance TV regulars. Although the tryouts and the final DTV competition are stellar in their own right, it would’ve been an injustice not to include this VERY 80’s dance/falling in love montage from the middle of the movie. My sister used to be so obsessed with this scene that she would rewind the ole VHS and replay it roughly 15 times before we could move on to the rest of the movie. Enjoy the classic beach silhouette lift and throwback Pepsi can mixed in with lots and lots of gymnastics.

3. Step Up 2 The Streets

It may surprise you that I don’t have the original Step Up and the spark of Channing and Jenna’s love on here. I like to toss in a curveball every once in a while to keep everyone on their toes. Here’s the second installment (every Step Up that follows this are white hot garbage) where having a dance crew and performing out on the streets is WAY cooler than getting into some lame arts school. They prove it too by dancing outside to trunk speakers IN THE RAIN. Whoa. The reason this dance is so high on the  list can pretty much be narrowed down to one baller move and that is OBVIOUSLY when what’s his face does the heart beat over what’s her face. I’m not proud of it but I spent far too much time one night in college trying to perfect that move with one of my roommates. Unfortunately rhythm is necessary for nailing that to a beat, but whatever. A for effort.

2. Magic Mike

This one’s for all my LAAADIEZZZZZ. (I mean, technically they all are, but we’ll pretend it’s just this one) Essentially the only takeaway from Magic Mike is the Pony dance and that’s pretty freaking obvious. I don’t really think I need to say anything else.

1. Center Stage

The queen bee of dance movies is Center Stage. They barely even hired actors for this, they just straight up trolled the American Ballet Company for dancers to play themselves. Never did I ever think a ballet performance could be interesting enough to contain a saucy sex scene but that’s just what Cooper, bad boy of ballet, does. This performance was 10 minutes long and I am continuously riveted for every single minute. Boys fighting over a girl, motorcycles onstage, all the way to her flawless red lip, dreadlocks finale. WHAT A WHIRLWIND. This dance number has everything I could have ever hoped and dreamed and that’s why it’s the GOAT. Even I was like hey, should I maybe become a ballerina by the end of it. Then I remembered how they basically chop their toes off to stand on wooden blocks for 90% of every day and I was out. PS do NOT try to make boys watch this movie. They will revolt and ruin every precious moment of this badass final dance. Tough stuff, lesson learned.

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