JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 8/12/19

1. Lover.

Typical Tay, dropping 15 singles off of her album before the album officially comes out and then there’s like one song we haven’t heard yet from it. Coming off of a moody “The Archer”, this is a bold move to release another deep, slow tune. And let’s not pussyfoot around this, it’s basically her proposing through a song. So obviously, the bitter love-hating bitch that I am, I immediately wanted to be like nope, not for me. But then she warmed my cold dead heart, as only mah gurl T can do, and I was a puddle by the end of it. Obviously the best lyrics are “my heart’s been borrowed and yours has been blue, all’s well that ends well to end up with you.” It ain’t even a competition. What a wordsmith she is. And I’ll save you the quick google search because all I did was look up the lyrics and I saw 9898239802 articles titled “All of the references to Joe Alwyn in Taylor Swift’s new song.” OH YOU DON’T SAY?! The song she wrote about loving someone forever is about the guy she’s been dating for 3 years?! GET OUT OF TOWN. Also if you really wanna go down a rabbit hole (which I always do), look up the lyrics on Lyrics Genius and see that Taylor is such a boss that pretty much every song she writes is tied in some way to another song she’s written. HOW DOES HER BRAIN WORK?! Anyway, enjoy loving love with this new song and cue the countdown to her and Joe’s engagement.

2. The Last Song.

Miley going toe to toe with Taylor this week, except her song is about her marriage falling apart. YOIKES. After I saw Miley twerking in Lake Como on Saturday captioning it “living her best life”, I was like hm something is fishy here–that is a cookie cutter I’M SINGLE NOW post. Then the statement was released that her and Liam are separated and even though I was out drinking at the time, I took it upon myself to scoop everyone in my contacts list on the news. Felt good. Not only because scooping others on celebrity gossip is a high like no other (even when they don’t care) but also because I’ve been V. vocal about the fact that Liam is too good for Miley and I hated them together. I did start to back off on my hate parade once she calmed down (maybe she heard Taylor’s song before it was released?) and then they got married. But obviously one can only mask their partying ways for so long. As she documented herself getting after it in George Clooney’s hometown, it came out that she was smooching it up with Kaitlynn, formerly Jenner but not really because they were never legally married. Stay with me here, folks.

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WHICH IS SUCH A LOOK AT ME MOVE. I will bet my left tit that these two were mixing up some vodka sodeys on this yacht and were like, wouldn’t it be hilarious if we made out and everyone would go WILD?! And then they did. And everyone did. Brody had some introspective post then said he and Liam Hemsworth would be holding hands on the beach, Miley clapped back with the anthem for sluts this summer: #hotgirlsummer and while all of this Hills drama was happening…I was meeting Audrina.

Probably bigger news than those two ratchets making out honestly and that’s why I couldn’t let it slip under the radar. We didn’t talk Justin Bobby and for that I will always be disappointed in myself, but I did get to witness her get on the mic and go “If you know the Hills, you know this song” in dumb Audrina speak and then bump Natasha Bedingfield’s “Unwritten” into a sea of white drunk people who don’t know the words to a song from 2007 that was best known for playing in the background of LC driving a convertible around LA. What a time to be alive.

3. Boy Meets Baby Robot.

First of all, lolz to the fact that this fuzzy Brillo head looks exactly the same. Second of all, don’t post pics of your kid if you don’t want anyone to see their face. That makes LITERALLY no sense to me and I can’t get past the robot emoji. I’m like ohhh cute pic DID YOU BIRTH A ROBOT?! It was shocking and not in a good way. So kinda took away the aw’s for me to be honest. But either way, you know that I’m true to all 90’s nostalgia and couldn’t let this one slide by, especially because I’ve just added a Boy Meets World graphic tee into my rotation and I’m pretty excited for its debut. Cory & Topanga 43v3r.

4. Megan Not-so-FOXy

Ferrari's 60th Anniversary In The USA Gala

My boy David Silver went on KFC Radio this week and shared a nice little tidbit that Megan Fox basically begged him to date her and it wasn’t until she was like I guess I’ll go find someone else that he was like NO, WAIT! CLAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCCCC guy move. Apparently he wasn’t over his previous relationship yet but like she should probably just wait until he’s ready to date, right?! He then quickly realized he was being a douchenozzle and agreed to date her. Look, I’ve openly admitted on more than one occasion that I don’t get the Megan Fox obsession. I mean yeah, she’s pretty but people like want to die a thousand deaths for how hot she is and I’m just like meh. Alright. Like let’s not be stunned by the fact that he wasn’t interested right away. Maybe they went on a date and he was like damn she’s not funny at all. (Cough cough: when she did that stint on New Girl I wanted to poke my eyes clean out of my head because it was so unfunny and terrible and basically all she does is play the hot girl in anything.) Do I sound jealous? Probably and I’m ok with that. While we’re on a rampage here, the 90210 reboot STIIIIIIINKS. Sorry, guys. Carry on.

5. The Fall of Katy. Again.

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You know. After I met Katy, we sang a worship song, โ€œopen the eyes of my heartโ€ She was cool and kind. When other people were around she was cold as ice even called the act of kissing me โ€œgrossโ€ to the entire set while filming. Now I was pretty embarrassed but kept giving my all, as my ex was busy cheating on me and my daughter was just a toddler, I knew I had to endure for her sake. After the first day of shooting, Katy invited me to a strip club in Santa Barbara. I declined and told her โ€œI have to go back to hotel and rest, because this job is all I have right nowโ€ So I saw Katy a couple times after her break up with Russel. This one time I brought a friend who was dying to meet her. It was Johny Wujekโ€™s birthday party at moonlight roller way. And when I saw her, we hugged and she was still my crush. But as I turned to introduce my friend, she pulled my Adidas sweats and underwear out as far as she could to show a couple of her guy friends and the crowd around us, my penis. Can you imagine how pathetic and embarrassed i felt? I just say this now because our culture is set on proving men of power are perverse. But females with power are just as disgusting. So for all her good she is an amazing leader, hers songs are mainly great empowering anthems. And that is it. I continued to watch her use clips of her music videos for her world tour and then her dvd, only highlighting one of her male co-stars, and it was me. I made around 650 in total off of teenage dream. I was lorded over by her reps, about not discussing a single thing about anything regarding Katy publicly. And a couple interviews they edited and answered for me. So, happy anniversary to one of the most confusing, assaulting, and belittling jobs Iโ€™ve ever done. Yay #teenagedream I was actually gonna play the song and sing it on ukele for the anniversary, but then as I was tuning I thought, fuck this, Iโ€™m not helping her bs image another second.

A post shared by Joshkloss (@iamjoshkloss) on

It seems like Katy Perry has been on a rollercoaster only careening toward the ground basically since this song came out. She had feuds with Taylor Swift, became a judge on American Idol, went out on tour but her tickets ended up on Groupon, and now everyone’s accusing her of sexual assault and stealing music. Even dressing up as a hamburger and hugging Taylor Swift in YNTCD couldn’t save her. The male star of this video, Josh Kloss, just decided to use the 10 year anniv of the song to be like hey I’ll never celebrate this dirt-ass song because while I was starring in the video Katy was a total B, said kissing me was gross, and then also ripped my pants off at a roller skating rink and showed everyone my wiener. Not a great look, KP. Song still bangs though.

 

 

And if you want to feel like Miley and Kaitlynn (and every other young ho) this weekend… HERE YA GO:

Not gonna lie this song is catchy as hell even though it doesn’t inspire me to bang strange all summer long.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

It has been brought to my attention that I’ve been slacking on my Ju duties as of lately and although pop culture goss isn’t typically as ravenous in the summer, my life has also been a giant dumpster fire this szn, which doesn’t always inspire me to be funny. So here is my attempt at making a comeback. If I don’t make you laugh, well then you’ll feel just like me right now. Pop on a little Gilmore Girls, let your waterfall of tears flow into a heavy pour of rosรฉ and we could be twinzies. If I do make you laugh, then tell me an obnoxious amount of times because I will never get enough of being told that I’m funny.

1. The Archer.

If anything is going to bring me out of retirement, it’s Tay. Every damn time. She released her first song off the new album that can’t be confused for a Kidz Bop tune and I’m here to give you all of my thoughts on it. Obviously I was all in on ME because I’m a narcissist and related to a song that repeats over and over again how awesome I am, claiming it as my mantra. I didn’t blog about it because I didn’t want to look like a homophobe but I was strictly OUT on You Need to Calm Down because no one ever tells me to calm down and also it was basically just a way for her to crown herself queen of the gays, which like, we get it Taylor. EVERYONE LOVES YOU. Gawd. ANYWAY, here we are at The Archer and it’s moody and dramats with deep lyrics and I’m all about it. Tay has a knack for releasing songs that speak to a certain part of my life, like when 22 came out the year that I turned 22 (yeah that’s right all you young hoez who post “feelin 22” right now. The song was basically written for me and not about today’s youths, who have essentially no problems and feel the need to wear crop tops with no bras every time they leave their home.) So obviously Tay knows that my love life is a shit storm right now and drops this juicy dramatic song. “Who could ever leave me, darling? But who could stay?” I MEAN COME ON. If I had a diary right now, it would probably say exactly that. Good thing I don’t keep diaries anymore because every time I read my middle school one and see “Seventh grade is the year of dating. I want a boyfriend, but not so bad that I’m desperate, and I’ll take anyone.” I want to kms. So I’ll just leave it to Taylor to write all the embarrassing things that I relate to in that moment and look back on in five years and laugh at. Thanks, boo.

2. Lance Came Out for LOLz.

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In random stories from 20 years ago, Lance Bass divulged on Watch What Happens Live (because that’s where everyone gets drunk and tells wacky stories) that after Britney got married in Vegas, he came out to her to get her to stop crying and paddle away from her problems in her roflcanoe. Well it worked. A boy-bander being gay got the big belly laugh from our gurl Brit so clearly Lance knows how to read a room. Glad he could come through in the clutch, it’s too bad he didn’t have anymore shocking news to share and talk her down from her bald umbrella smashing epi 3 years later. Womp Womppppp.

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3. That’s 3 under 3.

I’ve spent some time with my 2 year old niece and I’m having a hard time understanding why anyone would sign up for one of those full-time, let alone three. The most adorbs coups is doing it again though and it’ll be another girl! How joyous to have 3 daughters essentially all right around the same age. I’m saying this sarcastically of course because as the youngest of three girls, I CAN confirm we were monsters from ages 2-19. In fact, I’m still ruining my dad’s life and calling him crying on the daily so look forward to THAT, Thomas Rhett! Daughters are yours until you marry them off…or in my case, FOOOORRRR-EVVVV-ERRRRRR.

4. Shawn Mendes is a Teenage Girl.

Babe soda/teen heartthrob Shawn Mendes is making a lot of waves in the past few weeks after dropping a spicy little tamale of a song with Camila Cabello (see above) and then smooching up on her all over town, sparking new romance rumors. When I saw this and heard their merengue I was like ayeee Papi, get it. JK, but seriously I was rooting for him because he spends 90% of interviews convincing the press he’s not gay AND was shot down by Hailey Baldwin like minutes before she married the Biebs, so I felt like Shawn needed a W. That took a DRAMATIC turn when a fan released the below photo with a butterfly tattoo drawn on Shawn’s ‘cep.

AND THEN HE GOT IT. No seriously. A super fan was like wonder if you had this very intricate butterfly on your arm? And he was like gr8 idea. WHAT. Butterflies had their moment in the 1990’s with Mariah Carey and Aeropastale. WHAT PLANET AM I ON THAT THEY MAKE A COMEBACK? First Taylor Swift and now Shawn Mendes? Come. ONNNNNN.

Listen, I tried to be in your corner, Shawn. I shipped your new relashe. But unless this courtship has dramatically ended and you were drunk surfing through Twitter and stumbled upon this fan suggestion, there’s no reason to be butterfly stamping your muscle. Total Mosby Move.

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5. JLo is FIFTY. 50. Fif.tee.Five.Zero.

Nothing makes you feel like a more GIANT loser than watching JLo turn up at 50 harder than you ever have in your whole life and you’re basically half her age. Am I a complete and utter dweeb? Don’t answer that. About a month ago I made up a drinking game to Saved by the Bell once I discovered it was on Hulu so I think we all know what that means. I can cut loose with the best of ’em. #BUCKWILD. Also I heard Ryan Seacrest couldn’t get in because he was there so early and wasn’t on the list. NERD ALERT. At least I’m cooler than Seacrest. You don’t show up to a celebrity party at 7 on the dot you big wiener. But seriously, JLo LAYING OUT ON THE TURN TABLES with ARod as her #1 hypeman in the background was my favorite thing I’ve seen in a real long time. Also, surprising to no one, she looked like a damn snack at her Grammys-level birthday bash. I bet Leo was there.

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gang

Also is that Fat Joe? He’s still alive?! AND ASHANTI?! JOE CRACK THE DON, UH. PLAY US OUT, GUYS.

 

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Pop Culture, Red Carpet

Met Gala Red Carpet 2019

After rocking the cross last year in one of the very rare themes I understood, we’re back to the Met just making up complete and utter bullshit as the theme. I googled it. The theme is “camp”…what is that you may ask? Well I referred to a “what does the camp theme actually mean” article and honestly walked away from the article dumber than when I began reading it. According to everyone and no one all at once, “not everything can be camp, but many things, ideas and objects can be considered ‘campy.'” WOW. With that dum dum dribble, let’s delve into Halloween in May and a rare time that I applaud those who look like assholes and reward them with a spot on the Best Dressed. (As always, apologies for the varying size photos, you would think the Met Ball isn’t held for the ridiculous outfits with the way they hold back on the save-able shots. High internet security.)

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cardi

There have been far too many period comparisons to this outfit for me to see anything other than a giant pool of uterine wall shedding all over the Met Gala carpet. Also sick red swim cap to top it all off.

harry

I’m feeling ashamed for the time I so desperately defended Harry’s hotness to everyone in my family telling me he was yucky. Because this nipple peekaboo jumpsuit is yuck-yyy.

janelle

Janelle’s left tit is following me everywhere I go.

kimkimkanye

I love how Kim Kardashian is continuously invited to this shindig and never fails to show up in whatever “trend” she’s been wearing everywhere for the past month. (That Kanye 100% dictated for her.) Thanks for lubing up your cleavage and stopping by, Kim. Always a pleasure.

priyankanick

Although my instinct is to be dazzled by the sparkly shoes, I can’t with this duet. Nick looks like Gomez Addams and Priyanka is a figment of my nightmares.

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Everything about this gives me the uncomfies. From the Dumbo feather ears to her just completely being naked.

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There HAS to be something living in that hair. You don’t toss hair like that out into the open air without a bird calling it home.

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I’ve stared at this a lot and I will 9000% wake up tonight with a jolt, look around my room and only see eyes.

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That hip bone jutting out actually pains me. Can you imagine physically running into her on the pink carpet? You’d literally feel like a stab victim with that pointy guy. Also we get it, you’re rich and covered in jewels.

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I don’t know what about CAMP means EYES but enough already, ya creeps.

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These two are grouped together because I ASSUME they were only invited to this because they played Freddie Mercury & Elton John respectively this year. Two of the most flamboyant and fashionably out-there singers in history. Their costumes were so over the top what I can only imagine CAMP is, and yet these two boners showed up in black suits. WOW. You really took a dare here. Plain bagels through and through.

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This made me laugh out loud because we were just graced with a public appearance from these two trolls and it’s SO soon for them to double back and switch out their wool cloaks for leather ones. Thank you for coming and showing your diversity. Back to the caves now.

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GATOR DON’T PLAY NO SHIT, YA FEEL ME?! GATOR NEVER BEEN ABOUT THAT, NEVER BEEN ABOUT PLAYIN NO SHIT.

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UGH. I already bitched about Halsey stinking up the joint with skanky outfits on my last red carpet and here she is again, rolling up to a high fashion event showing maximum skin. Great color. But cover up for a change, gurl. WHAT WOULD YOUR MOTHER THINK?!

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I don’t know if they tried to coordinate but if they did, yoikes.

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Burlesque Show Girl.

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I like kicks with a dress but not when that dress looks like an omelette with bacon scattered in it.

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I feel like this is more than one time that Kylie has channeled Lil Kim and at this point just become her, yo.

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OH MY GOD how badly does Kris want to be young and hip?!

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It’s hilarious to see how seriously people take this and Emma Stone is like I’m just gonna wear an 80’s tracksuit thanks.

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Originally I was going to be nice and toss her on the best because I was so intrigued by this head to toe striping but then I scrolled back up to the mechanical teeth and bananas fastened to her dome piece and had to have a real heart to heart with myself about if I’ve become soft in my old age. So Rainbow Brite Chiquita Banana can hang loose on the worst dressed.

BEST

celine

I’m so torn here. Because on the one hand, Celine’s face looks like Yzma from The Emperor’s New Groove.

yzma

Yet on the other hand, her 51 year old stems look like THAT. You know I’m a sucker for good leg and she’s giving it.

jared

I can’t help but laugh out loud at this fool. He’s so extra every year and who would’ve thought that taking it to the next level would be making his head into a purse. SO creepy and yet the hair on that decapitated head purse? Majestic. One might even call him “Sexy Jesus.”

katyperry

CURVEBALL. I dump on Katy Perry all the time for her STUPID AF red carpet outfits. She tries WAY too hard because she doesn’t have a career anymore and got engaged to Orlando Bloom to stay relevant in the world. I have to applaud her coming to this dressed as a chandelier though. It’s the straw that broke the camel’s back. From dressing as a cheeto to a double decker lamp. She’s come such a long way. I see you, girl. How could I not, you’re GLOWING. lololololol.

Lizzo-Dress-2019-Met-Gala

I declared my newfound obsession with Lizzo in the weekly JUice last week and she dressed as a G-D flamingo, which IS BASICALLY MY SPIRIT ANIMAL so yes, tysm you bright pink flaming, you.

billyporterThe 2019 Met Gala Celebrating Camp: Notes on Fashion - Arrivals

I’m pro anyone who finds a way to be carried into an event. And then have a wingspan the length of the carpet. Mad respect.

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I shit on Zendaya a lot too but dressing as Cinderella in a light up dress hits me right in the Disney princess feels. She even set up a glass slipper that she “left behind” and had this “fairy godmother” sprinkle magic dust on her for photos. COMMITMENT TO A BIT.

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LIFE IN PLASTIC, IT’S FANTASTIC. WHO DOESN’T LOVE BARBIE?!

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I like purple and I’m intrigued by this lacy legging situation.

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Ryan Murphy basically invented camp (am I doing this right?!) This ensemble is nothing short of amazing.

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I guess I’m just a real hoe for Barbie vibes because I’m loving this. I even somehow overlooked the fact that she’s very clearly wearing a G string, probably because I was drooling over how tan her back is and wondering if I’ll ever have skin that isn’t the color of ghosts someday soon.

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Wifey Miley really cleaning up her act and I’m here for it. Nothing needs to be said about that specimen on the right. Stunning as always.

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Everyone has their undies in a wad for the gents who show up not wearing a dress and heels basically. Well guess what, Michael B Jordan can wear whatever he’s comfy in and I’m still gonna say he looks like a dime piece. Also I never need to see a man’s nipples on the red carpet, cough cough HARRY.

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She is quite literally dripping in Gold.

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Could take or leave this weird dragon girl dress but ultimately put her on the best list for her hair and makeup because she looks like a real beaut.

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Basically stepped out of T.Swift’s ME era.

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I can only imagine Mindy told her stylist she wanted to be Chloe Silverado for the night and this is what they landed on. Only 3% of my already dismal number of readers will get that joke and I’m ok with it. Mind Project stan 4 lyfe.

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dAYuMn.

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I could do without the sparkle head but I mean it’s JLo and she looks like a babe soda. And ARod is killin the pink tux.

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Hi this guy dressed as a literal THEATER. Asshole level: 1000%. I love it.

And obviously bow down to the queen of aholes, Lady Gaga, who stripped down, literally, to 4 different outfits as she werked the carpet. No one will ever compare, so like don’t even try, ya know? Also, it’s her year so just let her do her thang.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week ofย  4/29/2019

1. Third Time’s A Surprise.ย 

Oh ho hum, Blake apparently hasn’t been photographed lately because here she is at Ry Ry’s premiere FULLY pregnant. I don’t understand how celebrities can do this, especially a giant one like Blake Lively married to another giant celebrity. You have paparazzi living inside of your butthole and you hid a pregnancy for several months?! If Jennifer Aniston eats a bowl of soup they zoom in on her stomach and say she’s expecting. Was Blake a shut-in? I must know every single detail. Also let’s not gloss over how amahzing she looks for the casual announcement. Rockin the big hair curls and they’re not even frizzy like mine are every. single. day. Spring has sprung and another beautiful child is on the way. SORPRESA!

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2. Elvis Marries A Jonas.

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I guess it’s just the week of surprises because Sophie Turner and Joe Jonas got SURPRISE married after the BBMA’s on Wednesday and as much as I razz on the JoBros, I dig this move. It’s so cool it hurts. Oh hey, we just performed at an awards show and our ladies got mad camera time, let’s all just roll over to the Elvis chapel down the strip with a select group of kewl kids and get married. Diplo instagram live’d the whole ceremony, they exchanged ring pops, Dan + Shay sang an acoustic version of Speechless as Sophie walked down the aisle. I mean come on. The only thing that would’ve made it cooler was if Taylor Swift was there but for obvious reasons (Joe dumped Taylor via text in like 2008) it was best that she wasn’t in attendance. Since Sophie’s cultivated such a cool girl persona I’m surprised she didn’t take a knee and chug wine at the end of the aisle but I guess they wanted to keep it classy. I would go on a tangent about how hilarious it is that Nick and Priyanka had a 10 year long castle wedding that was beyond extravagant and these two bozos just casually got married by Elvis and had their pics taken with a pink car in the chapel BUT turns out they only got married so that they can proceed with their originally planned France wedding. If you’re not a citizen of France turns out you can’t get legally married there so that’s why they got that part out of the way here, so they can now proceed to be rich and lavish and probably throw a huge France castle wedding after all. Either way, if I had to pick a favorite Jonas couple to ship, it would be these two. I can get down with anyone whose like F it let’s just do something fun. Also because I’m jelly and wish I were in the cool kids group.

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3. Casual Post-Awards Show Surgery.

While Joe and Sophie were getting hitched on Insta Live, Kelly Clarkson was having her appendix removed. Turns out girl had appendicitis all week and still hosted an entire awards show and performed twice. Just her medley at the beginning alone where she was bopping through the crowd and up on stage, HOW DOES ONE DO THAT?! If I may compare this to a personal story of mine, one time in first grade I fell ice skating and fractured my wrist and then didn’t say anything about it, played with my friend as usual and when my mom picked me up that night I sobbed. Ended up in a pink cast (that I 100% saved. I’m disgusting, come at me) and just those 3 or 4 hours of pain were traumatizing. Now imagine singing, dancing and performing for thousands of people all while your insides are bursting. AND NOT EVEN ONCE COMPLAINING ABOUT IT?! God, Kelly Clarkson is a true American hero.

4a. New Tune.

Shout out to my sister for alerting me to this little diddy. As always with Shawn, it’s the perfect pop tune and y’all should feast your ears on it. Full disclosure I didn’t watch the video because I was already late to work today and I felt that it would be frowned upon to then immediately sit down and stare at Shawn Mendes for 3 minutes and 11 seconds but I feel like it’s probably great as well. Mostly because I’m just an all around music video stan. And black and white makes everything classier/more dramats.

4b. Old Tune, New Obsession.

I’ve really embraced Lizzo this week. Mostly because I kept hearing people say they were 100% THAT bitch and I wanted to head straight to the source and see what THAT bitch was all about. It turns out she’s about shaking her LARGE body all over the joint and declaring that she don’t need no man to be happy, booboooooo. AND I AM HERE FOR IT. I LOVE IT. I love the fact that she’s sassy as all hell and just puts out feel good bops. I listened to her Youtube playlist for a day at work and I was ready to kick my chair over, do a quick dance number where I OBVIOUSLY drop it low and snap my fingers before stomping outta here.

I mean damn. I want her confidence. ALL of it. It’s like when Fat Amy rubs her butt confidence all over Becca in Pitch Perfect 2. I’m hoping that the more I twerk to some Lizzo, the more butt confidence will rub off on me. BRING IT, GURL.

(Full disclosure I came home that night and played 2 videos for the boyf and tried to copy all her dance moves and sing along, it was a performance that should’ve been filmed for entertainment value but unfortunately wasn’t and you’ll just have to use your imagination. He was less than enthused. Apparently Lizzo might just be for the ladiezzzzz. #GRLPOWER)

5. Nudies for the Weekend.ย 

Gentlemen, goodnight. Ladies, good morning. Here’s a v. chiseled nude of Channing Tatum that no guy will ever appreciate, and every lady will. Apparently he “lost a bet” and his girlfriend’s v. personal pic of him all wet and naked just “had to be posted.” Ya ok, Chan. Whatever helps you sleep at night. All I can say is thank you for sharing this with the world.

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Music, Red Carpet

Billboard Music Awards Red Carpet 2019

Don’t ever remember them plopping the Billboards on a random Wednesday night but they couldn’t pull one over one me! I still unfortunately watched 99% of this trainwreck. It was all downhill after Tay and Brendon rode over the crowd on a parasol (which was BOSS.) I don’t know if it was the chicken or the egg, but Tay’s video had a million ladies in pastel pantsuits and the theme for last night’s red carpet was lady blazers. Hollywood really taking a biz profesh approach to the awards scene. As it turns out, I’m here for it.

WORST

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

I’m sorry, but is this a bullet proof vest? Is this a fashion statement or necessary?

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

There’s no sight that compares to fresh post-baby abs. What a treat for the ole peepers. Also fun fact that I noticed when Cardi accepted an award last night–her boobs don’t even remotely move. Hard as rocks.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Honestly Ciara’s son deserves to be on the best dressed because he looks like a baller in his DJ Khaled sweatsuit. Take notes, Khaled, matching separates looks cute on kids, not on overweight grown men. Ciara is throwing me too much boob/leg/navel to get on board with this look.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Was Diplo coming after Post Malone and his gay cowboy aesthetic or did he genuinely think he looked great? We may never know.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

I get real heated every time Halsey hits the red carpet because she’s so pretty and she ruins that by dressing like a walking trashcan. You don’t need to wear lingerie made out of blue trash bags with purple lipstick, gurl. Go makeup free and slide on an LBD. Thank me later.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU?! This guy was HONORED with my #1 spot for ranking MK & A’s movie boyfriends (read it here) and he repays me by wearing THIS?! One cannot even classify this as a Hawaiin shirt. It’s TOO ugly to be a Hawaiian shirt. Get out of my face, James from Winning London.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Kind of a bold choice for the oldest and least relevant Jonas to go shirtless under his suit jacket. Something I never needed to see. Also three grown men coordinating their plaid 80’s suits.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

JUST COME IN YOUR UNDERWEAR NEXT TIME, JULES. Why not give junderwear a spin?

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Oh, hello Grandpa.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Not into this racing suit with vines all over it.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

What sane person would combine these colors. Marigold and Christmas tree green. WUT. Clean it up, Tor.

 

BEST

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

You’ll notice that pretty much anyone who wore something sparkly hit the best dressed. It’s Vegas and it would be wrong NOT to wear sparkles.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Brendon is really riding the Taylor train. The audience camera panned to him no less than 1000 times during the show. It’s a good thing he was wearing such a great outfit. I dig the Gold accent.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Sparkly and fun, red lip, yes plzzzz!

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

I’m gonna be honest I got distracted by the legs.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Whole FGL clan on point, right down to their color coordination. They really cleaned up their act from the days when they dressed like Kid Rock.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Gronk basically hosted the awards last night with the amount of screen time that goober had. He’s wearing dad shoes but overlooking that part, him and Camille are killin it.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

JHuddddddd get ittttttttttttt.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Dress is just whatevs but I have a lady boner for those shoes.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

It’s unfortunate that these three posed together because I would say Beanie and Olivia look meh, and I’m really just into the silver suit on the left.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

I feel like I haven’t seen Paula since OG Idol days and she looks fab city. Keep up the great work, and I mean work literally because there’s no way her face naturally looks like that.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

The newest Jonas outshined the bros by far. She was even rewarded with a mid-performance smooch.

2019 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

SNAKESKIN. SUIT. WITH SPARKLES. That is all.

Billboard Music Awards, Arrivals, MGM Grand Garden Arena, Las Vegas, USA - 01 May 2019

Could do without all the ruffles but purple is my favorite color and it’s hard to hate when those stems are struttin all over the joint.

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JUice, Music

Weekly JUice – ME! Edition

Week of 4/22/19

There’s never been a time when Taylor Swift hasn’t released new music and/or video that I haven’t immediately blogged about it, so here we are. Happy Tay DAY….again! Can we just start by bowing down to her marketing genius? Because anyone who drops clues for a release date like a year in advance and then commissions an artist to paint a freakin’ wall in Nashville with even more clues and then just rolls up and people are already waiting there for her?! MASTERMIND. That’s like some if you build it, they will come shit. How the hell did anyone see butterfly wings on a wall in Nashville and think, if I wait here Taylor Swift will show up? The same weirdos who wrote countless in depth theories about the hidden message in every Instagram post for the past year.

Since I’m much lazier, but just as thirsty as her super stans, I blindly tuned into ABC last night at 8, not realizing it was the NFL Draft. What fresh hell is that, Taylor? I’m not spending 3 1/2 hours watching football garbage just for you to drop a morsel every few commercial breaks. I finally turned it off after she bounced that pink dipped ponytail onstage and was like TEASER LOLOLOL. Ain’t nobody got time for that. I’ve got a hard out at 10pm every single night, so I resigned to just wait until the morning. I did manage to learn before bed that her special guest on the song was Panic! At the Disco’s lead singer and I was nervous as hell because I’ve never loved his voice and have mostly associated it with closing the G-D door. Now here we are, 6:15 AM watching this masterpiece before getting ready for the day and BOY DO I FEEL JAZZED TO TAKE ON FRIDAY.

Let’s get this out of the way real quick–could’ve done all the way without a random dramatic french scene at the beginning. And the spelling breakdown in the middle. But that’s just Taylor and of course she has to throw her talking and dramatics in every song and I’ve just come to accept it rather than fight it. Other than that, I was captivated by this video from start to finish. I felt like I was high on pastels and unicorns and I was perfectly content with it. For a fleeting moment I considered also getting pink hair. But the moment has passed. Mostly because I have brown hair and pink and brown is gross. I’d end up looking like Ann Perkins when she went through her sad breakup phase in Parks and Rec.

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Woof. But I digress. Here are my favorite looks from the video:

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HELLO TAYLOR’S BOOBS! Seriously she really started off with a bang in this number, poppin that cleavage like nobody’s biz.

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Once again skating over the fact that all she needs to make her happy is a cat (replace it with a puppy), this dress and her mermaid waves are a real dreamscape. Also loved the quick lyrical shout out to “Mine”. One of my favorite TSwizzle songs and videos mostly because she pretends to be a mom to 2 kids in it and looks like she’s 16. Gr8 mems.

tay

I mean who doesn’t love a his and hers mint marching band getup?! Also it would be wrong of me not to point out how phenomenal her legs look in this.

 

 

HONORABLE MENTION SCENES:

1. BUTTERFLIES. The snake turning into butterflies. I mean what is Taylor if she doesn’t have her metaphors and symbolism. The fact that she marks every album with a symbol and then brings it into the next era, again, marketing genius. Glad the snake is gone, honestly could’ve gotten down with something other than butterflies as they give me HARD flashbacks to when they were the logo for Aeropastale and printed on every piece of their clothing. But whatevs.

snakebutterflies

2. HEART ON. The scene where Brandon opens a door to his heart and we dive right in?! WHOA. Literally I have no other words. That was cool as hell.

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3. PAINT STORM. I pretty much watched the last scene with my mouth open and drool coming out (normal for me anyway since I have a drooling problem) because I was so fascinated by all of the colors and a liquid dress. What a lovely finale for a pastel explosion of a video. Never thought I’d be on board with a Lisa Frank inspired aesthetic at 27 but here we are and there’s no turning back.

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Also the song bangs. It’s catchy AF, Brandon was the perfect duet partner for it–although sucks for him because Tay is definitely taking all the glory here and “from Panic At the Disco” follows his name everywhere–but either way, I’ll be bumping this all weekend thinking of unicorns hearts and rainbows.

Screen Shot 2019-04-26 at 7.06.21 AMlisafrank

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/15/19

1. Let’s Rap About Earth Day.

I guess it’s Earth Day soon. How did I know? A cartoon Lil Dicky informed me while still making an effort to relate it directly back to his dick and balls. What a guy. No, seriously what just happened with this. I watched the whole thing in shock. How does he come up with this shit and how is he allowed to say it’s his song when he was in it for about 30 seconds. The cameos, however, are genius. The best part about this claymation freakfest was trying to guess what famous person was which animal the minute they opened their mouth. I nailed it with Ariana, Halsey, Ed & Snoop. BTW, Ed as a snuggly koala bear? Yes, please. What a perfect casting. Also I legitimately was like I wonder how much they had to pay Leonardo Dicaprio just to use his name and create a character that looks like him then when I saw it was ACTUALLY him?! Whoa baby. Leo used to be so cool that when JLo texted him during her carpool karaoke he made booboo a thing again. Now he’s in this? Must be really desp for his environmental cause. Save the earth, bruhs. Why? Because a rapper told you to.

2. Taylor Goes Pastel.

Remember when I got all hot and bothered for new Taylor music and fed into her crazy ass superfan theories and ended up with EGG ON MY FACE AND AN I โค TS SHIRT ON FOR NO REASON?! If you missed that, read my salivation hereย and peep my merch below:

Well now it’s the real deal. She’s given us thirsty bitches a date and it is 4.26. She’s also given us a theme and my immediate reaction was no thanks. If we’re going to be waiting with baited breath for new jams after your BADAZZ EMO F THE WORLD comeback with Reputation complete with Snakes, we deserve more than tacky pastel colored heart shaped jewels. Then she posted the picture of the mint bike and it was GAME ON. EVERYONE knows I’m basically a European with the amount of biking that I do. If she’s going to deliver me a new tune to cruise around town to once I dust the ole wheels off for spring then SIGN ME UP. Stay tuned for full review when her single makes the debut.

tay

3. N*SYNC Does Coachella.

It’s that time of year again where LA people pretend they’re into being outdoors and listening to live music but really what they’re into is wearing hippie chic outfits and posting on Instagram. The biggest news to come out of this past weekend’s performances other than Beyonce just dropping a full recording of hers was America’s Sweetheart Ariana Grande pulling off an N*SYNC reunion. Although, can we really call it that without JT?

Props to Ari for continuing to dominate the world and learning the choreography to Tearin Up My Heart. Even though my main squeeze wasn’t there, I can still appreciate a good 90’s reunion. But also…

View this post on Instagram

You guys killed it last night ๐Ÿ™Œ

A post shared by Justin Timberlake (@justintimberlake) on

Is Chris gonna make it? T’s and P’s.

4. Barf All Over Me.

I try not to draw attention to the fact that Jess and Justin are like the ultimate cool guy couple because it turns me into a jelly belly. But like come on with this. We get it, you guys love each other and are v supportive. No need to cry via a public video when he’s basically sitting right next to you. Turn to him and say you’re proud of him. UGH BARFMANIA ya big attention whorebag.

5. PSA FOR MK&A STANS

mka

I find it to be extremely unwell of us that every time these two crypt keepers attend an event and allow photos, we post 10 headlines about it. THE VAMPIRES ARE OUT OF THEIR CAVES! And no matter what year/season/occasion it is, they’re always wearing long black cloaks and terrified looks on their faces. WELCOME TO SUNLIGHT, GIRLS! But that wasn’t the point of this announcement although it did give me a nice morning laugh and some nightmare fuel. The PSA is that Hulu is finally getting on the damn MK&A nostalgia train and giving us some of their OG movies. Coming soon: Billboard Dad, Switching Goals and Passport to Paris. THANK GAWD. IT’S AN EASTER MIRACLE! If you need to brush up on which hotties to peep in their pre-teen movies, feel free to roll on over to my very well-researched and not at all creepy blog ranking their movie boyfs right HERE. HAPPY WATCHING!

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