Red Carpet

Grammys Red Carpet 2019

It’s never a good sign when you see ads for the Grammys and the only performers you actually like are the host and Lady Gaga. The rest was a real disaster. As I once had to declare that I’m too old for the VMA’s, I guess I’ve now aged out of the Grammys too. Never thought I’d see the day. Never too old to get up all on that red carpet thooooo, so here we go.

WORST

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Lotta ladies going wild with the textures tonight and I’m not down with this pink ‘splosion.

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Cardi, or as my boyfriend lovingly refers to her as the seagull sounding buffoon, is clearly on this planet to raise eyebrows and make a scene. Job well done. But you look like an idiot. Also it’s laugh out loud funny that she wears a giant oyster costume and then opts for a nude strapless bra underneath. Just commit and go full seashell, Arielle style, or something equally as loud.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Charlie Puth may or may not flash us his goods in this trench coat full suit.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Heidi out here treating the red carpet like the VS Fashion Show.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

A triangle on your bod and a square on your head.

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Look no further than my roasting of Pharrell’s Elmer Fudd hat at the Grammys in 2014, or LL Cool J’s Kangol at every Grammys ever, to know that I hate a hat statement at an awards show. This is so ridiculous and stupid. I get it, you’re JLo, but no.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Holy Barf. This is like Anna Kendrick’s dress on steroids and with some silver boobs. What was the end goal with this dress?

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Oh, ok MJ.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

SHERIFF ARTS N KRAFTS, YAY!

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

If this didn’t have a chest fan I’d like it, but it does, so here it lies.

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

If you’re gonna make a big stink about how no one will dress you for the Grammys because you’re a size 8, which I find VERY hard to believe because if this is the case then why is Chrissy Metz on every G-D red carpet ever, then WHY would you choose the BIGGEST, WIDEST dress on this earth to prove your point? A size 8 isn’t big…if it is then call me obese…so just wear a bangin dress and show off your assets. Make the designers look dumb AF. Immersing yourself in taffeta was the wrong play here, Bebe. WRONG PLAY.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

AT THIS POINT JUST WALK THE RED CARPET IN THE NUDE. TU, NEXT.

 

BEST

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

I like this dress for myself, so complete biased judgment here but she looks gr8.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

I feel like Alicia Keys sneaks under the radar a lot but as I’m watching this show I’m remembering how she’s a total badass who can let it rip like nobody’s biz. She also has the most soothing voice on earth. AND she can play two pianos at once. What a baws.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

WHEN DID ASHANTI GET CLASSY?! Claps for you, boo. Don’t need to show the goods to get Ja’s attention. Just need a million dollar idea on Pablo Escobar’s island. ZING.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Y’all know how hard I’ve been vibin jumpsuits lately and this one has sparkles, so sold.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

I like the pink, I like the glitz and I like that Camila didn’t treat us to a view of her areolas.

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

YaaAAaAasssssss

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

These two literally swapped hair dos and it makes me giggle a lot.

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

This is a pretty and tasteful way to do flesh tones. Red lip seals the deal, otherwise she’s head to toe one color basically.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Shawn looks like a wax statue but suit is on point.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Miley’s so pretty when she doesn’t have a buzzcut and her bits on display. Well, fully on display.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Hair/Makeup not great but the dress is lovely.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Post Malone has worn me down. His tattooed ass face and weird cowboy outfits have numbed me. This is the best one I’ve seen yet. I like pink and I like stars, thus, you win this round, cowpoke.

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Yo, real talk, where the hell has Tori Kelly been? I need her to wail onstage REAL soon.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

OooOhh stripey, me likey.

FAVE LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

I’ve seen Gaga out here all awards season being so classy and trying not to let her meat dress wearin weirdness out because she’s being honored for a serious acting role. And I’d like to acknowledge that. She’s been looking like a dime piece and this has been my favorite look of hers so far. I have hair envy of those casual beach waves. AND on top of her red carpet look, she wore a sassy glitter jumpsuit (with matching eyeliner) for her performance. Writhing & scary face at the end aside, she’s really pulled out all the stops at the Grammys and I’m excited to see what she debuts at the Oscars. YOU GO, GURL!

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 2/4/19

1. Biebz Waited for Marriage.

voguecover

The “Newlyweds” who got married in a court house and can’t seem to set a date for their party with all of their squad to celebrate, got a nice lil Vogue spread divulging some juicy deets and a whole lot of matching outfits. Shot by Annie Leibovitz (Classic), here’s a bunch of pictures of the two of them being young and famous and tattooed in matching separates.

vogueshootBiebz-HaileyBejeweledHaileyjustinhailey-voguepolkadotcouple

In addition to these lovely pics, the interview revealed that JB went celibate prior to getting engaged, to feel closer to his homie, God, and to figure out some shit because he was poppin xannie’s & banging strange for quite a while. Long story short, they got married at a court house five minutes after they got engaged because they were “waiting until marriage” to have sex. Which is laugh out loud funny. No one even knew they were dating, he was back on that Selena grind for a while then suddenly he’s engaged and gets married because he needs that good good (sober, hopefully.) But seriously though, this is a real quote from JB himself, “[God] doesn’t ask us not to have sex for him because he wants rules and stuff…” Spoken like a true poet. He believes God rewarded him with Hailey after he stopped slutting it up. Other revelations: church brought them back together (in case that wasn’t clear already), he calls her his baby boo, oh, and … “The thing is, marriage is very hard,” says Hailey. “That is the sentence you should lead with. It’s really effing hard.” GUD LUCK GUYZ!!! KByyyyyeeeeEeeeEeeeEe.

(If you want to read the full interview and find out about how Haley and JB were “homies” at first plus hear the deets on Justin’s Britney-esque meltdown, click HERE!)

2. J.Law is Engaged.

jlawengaged

Hollywood’s favorite relatable goofy chick has apparently gotten engaged and I didn’t even know she was dating anyone. Last I heard she was banging her director twice her age and it was feeling a little creepy, even if it wasn’t #MeToo era. Her engagement was such a shock, in fact, that when the boyf tried to scoop us on the celeb news, we berated him that it wasn’t People.com official yet. Well, it became People official and literally no one knows who this jabroni is. His name is Cooke, he’s a BFD in the art world and they’ve been dating like 6 months. It’s almost like none of these celebrities read my blog because if they did, they’d see THAT THESE IMMEDIATE ENGAGEMENTS WILL NOT LAST. AM I SCReAmING inTO A VOID?! DID ANYONE LEARN ANYTHING FROM PETE & ARI?!

3. Everyone Hates the Grammys This Year.

Speaking of Ari, she’s not going to be in attendance at the Grammys this year because the producers did her dirty. And then lied about it. So she’s thank u, nexting the Grammys. SUPER dumb move by the producers here because she released two albums in one year of nothin but the hitz and also created my favorite phrase to annoy my boyfriend with when I want him to stop talking about something. Doesn’t get much bigger than that. And now we can’t even see her do a sassy live performance. ON TOP of that, Taylor isn’t coming either. And was nominated for like 1 Grammy and it’s not even Album of the Year. Did anyone hear Reputation? DID THEY NOT SEE THAT SHE’S BACK AND SHE’S A BADD BITCH NOW?! I mean honestly, the snub alone is enough to make me not want to watch. And now I learn that no one is coming OR performing. The Grammys better woo me back QUICK or I’m boycotting. (Red Carpet will still be posted promptly at 9am the next morning.)

4. The Gays Love Each Other Too.

billy-eichner-judd-apatow-nick-stoller

It’s finally time for a gay rom com! I feel weird about the fact that it’s 2019 and this is now just happening. Either way, Billy Eichner has been tapped as the lead and Judd Apatow will produce, so you know it’ll be entertaining AND disgusting. I feel like my sister and I willed this into existence because just last weekend we were talking about how Jonathan Bennett (Aaron Samuels) is the lead in basically every Hally or Lifetime flick and we have a hard time believing in the love story every single time because he’s flamingly gay. We were really rooting for him to get his own gay rom com on Hallmark, but this works too. You’re welcome, everyone.

5. Party of Five Reboot, Deportation Style.

NIKO GUARDADO, BRANDON LARRACUENTE, ELLE PARIS LEGASPI, EMILY TOSTA

My first year out of college, instead of looking for an apartment or like creating my own adulthood independence, I lived at home with my parents and watched the entire series of Party of Five bootleg style on my laptop in my bedroom with the door closed. I basically regressed to being 13. To the point where my mom gently suggested to me to join a gym and try and make some friends. And I probably replied, The Salingers ARE MY FRIENDS, MOM. GAWD. Because they were. I binged this series in a few months and pretended it was still the 90’s. So naturally, when I saw a clickbait headline about them bringing it back I nearly slobbered all over my keyboard to get to it. WHAT a letdown. This is not a reboot or a reunion. I won’t get to see my old pals Charlie, Bailey, Julia, Claudia and Owen as adults. Instead, it’s a Freeform series that’s about a family of five children whose parents get deported. WUT. How is that the same as your parents dying in a car crash tho? Mr. and Mrs. Salinger are ROLLING in their grave at this association. Don’t ride on Po5’s coattails. Just say you have a new show without bringing visions of an age-defying Scott Wolf coming back into my life.

Scott_Wolf

Play us out…

 

BONUS: Just for laughs…

lolz.PNG

Not included in the headline but important to point out, she’s also never seen him or facetimed with him. Love story for the ages. Or for next season on Catfish. Either way, either way’s fine.

Standard
Red Carpet

SAG Awards Red Carpet 2019

The SAG Awards were so boring that I changed the channel to Total Bellas. Sorry not sorry for wanting to see Nikki Bella handle a breakup with Ferraris, cigars and keg stands. It was worth the watch. Those Bella Twins should be up for a SAG next year for their top notch content on E!

WORST

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

Peplum should’ve died the year that it made its debut.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

Is this a dress made entirely of origami? LMK.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

Insert shouting emoji and clap hands WHITE MEN CANNOT WEAR WHITE TUXES WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE SERIAL KILLERS.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

Why is there a belt just dropped in the middle of her midsection?

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

Tonight’s curtain edition.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

Well this is tough to do. Because John looks like a dime piece. But Emily looks like a vagina. And they posed together so it’s only one pic. Which means Emily’s labia dress just dragged John down to the worst dressed list with her.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

I am so confused.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

This could be my jealousy shining through as I’ve been hitting the gym recently and I will never ever be this skinny if I worked out 24 hours a day but this look just wasn’t doing it for me.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

The host should really bring her A game and glitter applique isn’t cutting it.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

I love me some Michael B. but I cannot get down with the harness trend. It’s so stinkin weird.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

WHAT is happening here.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

Oh God this is bad. From the top bun to the chunky stripper glitter heels. Wooftastic.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

Girl crush coming to a screeching halt for a lot of reasons but also what fresh hell is this?

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

This color is great but no one will ever look good in a three tier cake dress.

 

BEST

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

Lotta love for the men tonight coming through with some fresh suits.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

Curveball, I can be hip and get down with leathers.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

Throwing CZJ a bone for those stems.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

I’m so into jumpsuits right now and Emma looks fab.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

A Star is Born Gaga is killlllin it.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

WHoaOAaa spicy.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

All black and looking hella elegant.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

Can always count on Mandy to look amahzing.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

I love anyone who rolls on the red carpet with shades on. The sun NEVER sets on cool.

FAVE LOOK OF THE NIGHT

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

I love everything about this and I’m not afraid to admit it.

Standard
Concert, Movies, Pop Culture

Top Fyre Fest Revelations

docs

As I’m sure you heard, Netflix and Hulu chose a particularly wintery-don’t-wanna-leave-the-couch week to drop two dueling documentaries on the horrific dumpster fYre that took place a couple years ago. As originally reported on the Weekly JUice where I pointed a heavy finger at Ja Rule (or Ja, as I learned his “business partners” and friends call him), this music festival was created to be an exclusive event on a private island for rich millennials, except for the fact that when they all arrived their accommodations were FEMA tents with no food or water and whoopsie there were also no musical acts booked. Obviously Twitter rants ensued and all of us poor people who would never drop 5 grand for a trip to an island music festival sat in our office chairs with tears rolling down our cheeks from laughing uncontrollably. Just me? Whatevs.

Each doc provided a behind the scenes view of what led to this. Spoiler alert: the most stupidity you will ever feast your eyes upon. Although both had different footage/interviews, if you’re looking to just watch one, Netflix takes the cake. They partnered with Fuck Jerry, the media company that had all of the juicy BTS footage and boy was that worth a watch. Hulu offered an exclusive interview with the mastermind dirtbag himself, Billy McFarland. Although if we’re being real here, the Billy that filmed himself wanting to document his creative process (partying) is FAR more telling than the Billy that was paid to sit down for a formal interview and chose not to answer half the questions. Jus sayin. Strap in for the best and most ridiculous revelations from the two docs where my jaw had a permanent residency on the floor.

1. Andy being extorted by someone half his age to suck Customs D. 

screen shot 2019-01-24 at 7.04.02 pm

Andy. Who hurt you? Some view Andy as a ride or die. I view him as a lil bitch who is literally crying every day but still cleaning up messes from someone half his age. The only logical conclusion is that Billy has something on Andy. Judging by Billy’s character, my first assumption would be some sort of financial fraud. Anyone who willingly comes running every time Billy wah wah’s about the latest disaster CANNOT be doing that just because they like the guy. When he casj AF drops in the, Billy asked me to suck the Custom guy’s D and I swished around some mouthwash and flew right over there, I was literally in shock. HOW. WHAT. WHY. Andy is 100% the person whose still visiting Billy in prison and can’t wait until he comes out so that they can embark on a new business venture together.

2. Partying like Rockstars, F*cking like Pornstars

I couldn’t pick just one jaw dropping aspect of Billy and Ja’s time on the island leading up to this disaster so I broke it down to my favorite three. Basically all of these moments fall under the umbrella of the fact that this crew did NOTHING but party for the 3 or 4 months leading up to this event. The fact that it’s actually a good event idea but would take 1-2 years to build the foundation and these jabronis threw out a promo video and sold tickets 4 months ahead of it and didn’t plan one single thing is so frustrating in itself, but then to watch their “visits” to the island contain jetskiing, drinking and hearing Ja Rule give stupid cliche party toasts made it 1 bazillion times worse. At one point in the Hulu doc, Ja just does blow on camera. Cool bruh.

a. Billy spilling beer on the map that says this won’t work

billy

The two masterminds recruit a guy who knows the island and he’s like hey look at how much space you need versus how many tickets you sold, this maybe isn’t a good idea. And Billy spills his beer on the map. Then fires the guy. Sick.

b. ZERO gravity!

screen shot 2019-01-24 at 7.04.34 pm

Aforementioned guy who actually sounded pretty reasonable when he was like Hey Billy, this won’t work is actually the SAME guy who apparently learned how to fly a PJ based on like a video game or simulator and all of the douchebags/influencers who came every weekend to party were like OMG he gives the best zero gravity rides. No, morons, you were just getting in a small aircraft with someone whose never flown it before (probably drunk or high) and letting it fall from the sky. The wild things rich people do for kicks.

c. Pig island=Bhole island.

 

promo

This point was actually more so because of the Bachelor and the fact that pig island is marketed as this adorable fun thing but pigs are actually gross and being stuck on an island with them probably isn’t fun at all. The porkers going after all these dainty models’ bholes and them running and screaming was high entertainment. PAY THOUSANDS OF BUCKS TO COME TAKE INSTAS WITH PIGS LIKE THESE MODELS. Notttttttt.

3. MASS CHAOS.

Look we all heard about the shit show that was people showing up and not having any housing or food. And we ALL remember the cheese sandwich. Probably the most reported aspect of this entire festival. But what was learned through these docs is that if you bring a bunch of entitled young adults to an island in another country, fill them with booze and then basically release them into the wild to find sleeping arrangements for the night, they’re going to act like animals. At first it was like everyone’s drunk and trying to find a tent and a mattress, ahhhh! Then it escalated REAL QUICK to:

screen shot 2019-01-24 at 7.03.23 pm

and then that went rrrrright into peeing on mattresses and looting. WHAT?! How is this a normal reaction?! Obviously not one police officer in sight. Supes normz for thousands of people coming to a music festival.

4. Do I want to be an influencer when I grow up?

I’ve never heard the word influencer more in my life and I’d feel good about going the rest of my life never having to hear it again. I know I probably have no leg to stand on here, as I blog about pop culture, but SERIOUSLY HOW IS THIS A CAREER?! Not only is influencer a career, but these influencers, most of whom I’ve never heard of were PAID to come to this festival. Just so that they could Youtube, and Insta and whatever else live stream their trip. The portion of both docs where it shows random internet people just live stream narrating their flight made me want to set my apt on fire. Mostly because I too would like to be paid $250,000 to post an instagram just telling people to go to a festival. YEAH THAT’S RIGHT KENDALL JENNER, I CALL BULLSHIT! Girl was never even affiliated with this festival but had no issues accepting a wire transfer in exchange for one insta post. Woof. Barf everywhere. Ok before I have a full on mental breakdown about how many people in this world probably call themselves influencers, let’s go right ahead and call them out for DEFINITELY having enough money and not sending it right to the Bahamians that were screwed over.

screen shot 2019-01-24 at 10.06.03 pm

Instead, we all (I’m using we in a very general state, I did not put any of my personal money up) raised the funds for this sweet, sweet woman to have a savings again. So you owe us Kendall. YOU OWE US.

5. Frauders never stop frauding.

nycvip

By far the most shocking thing out of this whole shit show, the thing that I still couldn’t get past is Billy getting INDICTED, doing some jail time, being out on bail and starting up a fresh scam with the SAME EXACT CONTACT LIST AS FYRE FEST. Not only basically making it the most obvious thing in the world that it’s him scamming again for tickets that don’t exist and using a frontman to make the phone calls, but HE FILMS IT ALL TOO.

billy film

“Hey are you guys looking for cold hard proof that I can’t stop extorting people? YOU BETTER COME FIND ME (in my penthouse, with a full video shoot setup, using the same phone number and email I’ve always used.)” – Billy, probably. Also shout out to the Hulu version for letting us know that he also tried planning Fyre Fest 2018 immediately afterward as well. You and Ja deserve each other, Billy.

screen shot 2019-01-24 at 10.24.07 pm

Honorable Shout-out for no particular reason:
screen shot 2019-01-24 at 8.38.54 pm
I genuinely would’ve appreciated a phonetic spelling of this name.
screen shot 2019-01-24 at 7.03.41 pm
Do you feel dumber having read that entire blog? Great. We’re all on the same page now.
Standard
Red Carpet

Critic’s Choice Awards Red Carpet 2019

Didn’t watch these but when has that ever stopped me from salivating over the red carpet? Don’t answer that.

WORST

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

I think the fact that this is basically a one piece tux is throwing me off. I wonder if she’s wearing a diaper because there’s NO WAY that’s easy to disrobe for bathroom times.

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

Remember last week when I told Amy Adams to take a risk? Yeah I didn’t mean wearing the exact same dress with puffier sleeves.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

Flew too close to the sun last week as my best dressed couple of the night. This was a hard fall and I feel v. disappointed.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

WTF CONNIE?! Full body sequins AND a puke lime green?! Even your hair isn’t in it’s typical Tami Taylor mermaid wave. Clean it up.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

Yay to the fact that full frontal exposure will be translating to every carpet this season!

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Press Room

KeWL more BeWbZ!

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

YELLOW. SUNGLASSES. (Also for someone whose wah wahing about always playing gay characters…)

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

Hold me….like the river Jordan….(for those of you who still haven’t seen Free Willy cough cough KAT, this is an Orca reference)

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

TYSM Laura, for giving us a new twist on showing off your rack. The asymmetrical  boob peephole.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

Why put a Victorian spin on nudity?

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

This is LOUD.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

Quite literally looks like blood stains dribbling down her dress.

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

As a tip from one curly head to another, bangs don’t work on us. Just something you have to come to accept.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Press Room

Sarah sees my cleavage rant and raises the stakes to a WHOLE NOTHA LEVEL.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

I feel like both of these outfits could’ve been found in the linens section. Tablecloth meets curtain.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Red Carpet

It has become very clear he’s just looking to make waves at every appearance this awards season. The only waves you’ll be making is treading water on my worst dressed. Boom. Roasted.

BEST

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

WHOA the color, the texture, it’s electric!

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

Sparkly! And even though there’s a peep, it doesn’t lead to nipples. I approve!

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

My overwhelming love for a matching lip and dress far outweighs my hate for this ultra deep front V trend.

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

This is a shower curtain but honestly I’m hard up for best dressed and this is Lady Gaga’s time to shine.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Red Carpet

Throwing Regina a bone because even though this is pageant-esque, purple is my favorite color and it looks good on her.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

Wins the DAYUMMNNNNN award of the night.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

THIS JACKET!

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

The white looks clean and classy but I think we could’ve lost the cape here.

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

My namesake going for sexy without being skanky. Always a fine line.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

My second namesake is KILLIN this year so far. Love the sparkly deets.

24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Barker Hanger, Los Angeles, USA - 13 Jan 2019

Royal blue is always a good choice for Mom. Where’s dad?

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

Brown or burgundy? Not sure but he looks like a babe.

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

I’m into this light grey twist.

FAVE LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

The 24th Annual Critics' Choice Awards - Arrivals

Makeup, hair and dress on point!

Standard
Red Carpet

Golden Globes Red Carpet 2019

WHADDDUPPPP AWARDS SZN! How ya derrrrin? Obviously I’m excited that my favorite winter pick-me-up has arrived. Because no matter what anyone says, nothing will ever beat the high of sitting on the couch in flannel pjs, still on a holiday eating schedule (24/7) shouting at the TV that someone looks like trash on one of the biggest nights of their life. Every season presents a different style that everyone latches onto (that I inevitably cannot stand) and this year was the deep cleavage v. If I can see your chin clean down to your belly button without obstruction, you’re getting tossed on the worst dressed and those are just FACTS. I recently dabbled in the cleavage game (new for me) at a wedding and I literally got my already modest v-neck sewn closer together the day before the wedding because you know what is even more alluring than showing your entire front? Leaving something to the imagination. Take notes from me and my boob etiquette, Hollywood. Let’s see how those who did or did not cover their nips fared.

WORST

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Last year her nips punched through the tv screen and poked my eye out so hopefully she’s opted for a bra this year but either way this dress is goo.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Is this like 80’s picture day or a bad wedding or what?

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Irina looks like a Vegas show girl and Bradley STINKS without a little scruff. I mean seriously he looks like a wax figure and a white suit does not complement that.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Remember when Taylor Swift sang about Camilla Belle being a big hoebag? Lolz. Great mems. Regardless, this eye shadow/slicked back hair is woof.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Since when does Chris Messina think he can go all Draco Malfoy up in this B? (To show how old I am, E News will 100% post this picture and caption it “ZADDY”)

775276776CC00109_NBC_s_76th

Hot damn is this dress tacky and a terrible color.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

I love the style of this dress but I’m so not about that flesh tones life. Is she naked? Look quickly and yes, yes she is.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Well this is loud.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

And this is the opposite of loud. Are you 90, Emma?

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Now begins the portion of the program where I dump all over Hollywood’s titties. I DON’T NEED TO SEE THIS.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

PUT THEM AWAY. WE GET IT. YOU HAVE BOOBS. CALM YOURSELF.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

I shouldn’t be able to tickle your belly button on the red carpet.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Why are you even wearing anything? At this point just walk naked.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

ZOMG more full frontal nudity!

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

This dress is hideous first and foremost. The over the top boobage is just the cherry on top of the wreckage.

NBC's "76th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

I’m sorry, what?!

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

I don’t understand what’s happening here and therefore it blows.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

My lord, PUT IT AWAY. ALL OF IT. KNOCK IT OFF , LADIES. This is an awards show not the boom boom room at 3am.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

One shoulder taffeta. Yikes.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

More bewbz and let’s add in some ruffles.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Kid’s art project 101.

NBC's "76th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

jerry

I rest my case.

NBC's "76th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

There’s so many things sticking out. The great war of puffy shoulder vs. erect hair.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Ice dancer?

NBC's "76th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

Miss Frizzle teaching us about the solar system?

BEST

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Because I’m not a total prude and I can handle cleavage sans navel, Allison is getting after it in this outfit. I also love the chunky jewels.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Chrissy Metz may have called her a bitch but I think this outfit is killin it. Dave looks like a baller too.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

It’s often a red carpet trend that the ladies of SNL/comedy in general dress like they’re wearing paper bags and I feel like this is a fresh change up.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Amy plays it safe every time. This isn’t really doing it for me but it’s also not necessarily a WORST look. I think she could stand to take some risks though.

NBC's "76th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

Classy and elegant.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Not the top look I’ve ever seen from the Connster but she still looks like a dime piece as always.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

V. traditional ball gown and respectable that someone her age isn’t showing up in a mesh dress judging by the trends these days.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

VERSACE VERSACE VERSACE. I don’t know if this is Versace but it kind of should be.

NBC's "76th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

MOM AND DAD FOR LIFE. Also I understand the hypocrisy of calling out all the hoochies with their top half nudity and then approving of this but let it be known that this dress is actually cute so it’s different.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

This season’s installment of dresses I want to take a nap in. Also, Debra photographs well but up close? Yeesh.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

PRINCESSSSSSSSSS

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Sparkly and not cleavage down to her ankles!

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

TBH, I walked in from work to this look and I was like whoa that’s a lot. Then it really grew on me. Only Lady Gagz would match her hair to her dress. The sleeves kind of suck, but the color is great and she looks beautiful in the shallow, shalalalllalalowwwwwwww world of Hollywood.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Glenn Close gives good cape.

NBC's "76th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

Honestly I laughed out loud when I saw this because people HATE Anne Hathaway. Like HARDCORE HATE someone for no reason and she just stunts up to the red carpet in 2019 dressed like she’s Sammi Sweetheart looking for some Ron Ron Juice in Seaside Heights circa 2010. and I LOVE IT. Get it, girl, Cheetah girls, cheetah sisters.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

I like it. (I’m running out of things to say.)

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Not the slightest clue who this jabroni is but the COCKINESS of his stance, tossing that jacket open and rocking the one hand in pocket prom pose. Couldn’t love it more.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Peep those green suede shoes on Idris, tho.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

JLC poppin that leg like she invented it.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

This almost won my favorite look of the night because it’s Julia Roberts and also she looks amahzing.

NBC's "76th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

Can’t ever beat a dress with pockets, don’t @ me.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Lookin like a red velvet cupcake snack!

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Gr8 color choice, not so gr8 dress choice.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Rare Nicole Kidman compliment: She looks good.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Hot DAMN disco ball!

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

❤ the jacket and the fact that Ryan openly admits on the red carpet to each celebrity that he just watched their movie because he was going to be interviewing them.

775276776CC00135_NBC_s_76th

Babe soda couple alert!

NBC's "76th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

Host looks good, wifey not so much.

FIJI Water At The 76th Annual Golden Globe Awards

I spy some gold toed shoesiez!

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

DAWSON LEERY! Gasp.

NBC's "76th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Show - Roaming

SURPRISE! Taylor Swift strutted those stems out onto the stage to present a few awards and I almost screamed at my TV. Whatta babe.

QWEENS OF THE NIGHT:

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals76th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivalsbluntkrasinski

Holy hell these two owned it. Separately AND together.

Standard
Pop Culture, Television

Best of the Worst Hallmark Holiday Movies, 2018 Edition

Listen, Hallmark really doubled down this year and it was actually difficult for me to keep up. Starting BEFORE Thanksgiving, they were on a roll debuting 2-3 per week, getting an AGGRESSIVE jump on the holiday movie watching szn. Obviously that was far too overwhelming for me. So with the help of my equally as TV holiday movie obsessed sister, we printed out each channels schedules and highlighted our favorites based on plot and if the guy was hot. We created quite a robust list and got to watching. So here we are, your annual installment of the best of the worst in holiday trash movies. PS Due to the large number of movies to view between the two Hallmarks and Lifetime (and I guess Netflix), Ion and ABC Family had to be cut from the list. You understand why. Please respect our decision at this very difficult time.

SKIP

graceland

Christmas at Graceland, Hallmark (Kellie Pickler, Wes Brown)

Right off the bat you would think this is going to be a golden Hally because of ya boy Wes. He’s higher up on the list of Hallmark hotties and I thought that would be enough to pull us through this flick. Sadly, I am here to report that it was not. Centered around a music theme ala Graceland, this movie was nearly unwatchable. Laurel goes back home to buy a bank or something corporate and Clay is like remember when we used to sing together and god I wish she hadn’t remembered. Could have saved us all from a whole lot of Silent Night. No seriously, this one song was performed no less than 6 million times throughout the course of this 2 hour movie. I feel it is also important to point out that although Kellie Pickler is actually a singer, she chose to lip sync in this movie and I’ve never seen a more horrible hack job. Even pop stars still sing during their music videos so it looks real. COME ON, KELLIE! Also, there is a child in this movie and she sings as well.

Bonus Points: Kellie not even attempting to hide her southern twang and everyone else in the movie having no trace of an accent. At the end (spoiler alert) when Laurel gets everything she ever could’ve wanted, she could not look less enthused. What an actress.

evergreen

Christmas in Evergreen:Letters to Santa, Hallmark

It took me the entirety of this movie to figure out that this was a sequel to an already present story line on Hallmark. I would’ve really hated to have to sit through more than one of these. Lisa doesn’t want to put down roots but she really wants to go back to her hometown for Christmas. YA, Ok. On her way home she has side of the road flirtations with the guy that she’ll most obviously end up with when she seems like the ultimate cool girl who fixes his truck. There’s a whole slew of characters all coinciding at once in this Evergreen place and naturally that means Hallmark needed to toss in a dubbs coups because they can’t just focus on one cookie cutter romance at once–it’s their new favorite thing to do and I for one, hate it. This particular version had a white couple and a black couple because black people fall in love at Christmas too. #Diversity on Hallmark. There’s a little wrench in the mix when Lisa’s PLATONIC BFF comes into town and Kevin thinks she’s taken but have no fear because they kiss when the bells ring and the little kid with the lisp FINALLY finds a lock that his key works in. THANK GAWD.

Bonus Points: When these two discover that they REMEMBER EACH OTHER FROM CHILDHOOD and there’s a flashback to them literally just being in the same general store writing letters to Santa like every kid in that town did.

tennessee

A Christmas in Tennessee, Lifetime (Rachel Boston, Andrew Walker, Patricia Richardson)

Andrew Walker, once of Hallmark royalty, now switching over to the Lifetime side, is typically a must-see for holiday staples. He’s cute and charming and usually has a little bad boy edge to him. Unfortunately, I’m gonna need him to take a beat after this one and reassess. The story revolves around Allison, whose a baker and single mom to Olivia. Patricia Richardson makes a star-studded appearance as her mom and naturally Matthew (Andrew Walker) is the corporate big wig trying to buy out the family business and take over the town UNTIL he spends time there and realized the importance of Christmas and family and that is obvious. To be completely honest this movie is all over the place and there’s so many stories happening at once that it’s exhausting. Santa and Mrs. Clause like Allison’s cookies so it becomes a marketing ploy/reason for Allison’s daughter Olivia to get bullied for still believing in Santa. There’s a conniving assistant to Matthew who forges a signature to sell the property. Allison’s dad died recently, Matthew lost a fiance 4 years ago, the mom is still sad about the dad dying and an old guy is pursuing her HARD. As my notes read, “Pull the story together homies or we take Andrew Walker back.” You’re on notice, Lifetime.

Bonus Points: At the children’s play when little Olivia (a partridge in a pear tree) gets bullied about being poor, dad-less, and believing in Santa by a kid with a drawn on Hitler ‘stache. REALLY?! This mf’er is bullying someone while he looks like that?! I would’ve knocked his stupid nutcracker hat clean off his head if I were Olivia. Kids are the worst. Also, the mom from Home Improvement sings at the end to close up the randomness that was this movie.

princessswitch

The Princess Switch, Netflix (Vanessa Hudgens)

This now marks the second Netflix Christmas movie that has been so awful that I’ve turned it off before finishing it. That alone should be evidence enough that Netflix needs to read the room and slowly moonwalk out of the holiday movie game. You came late to the party and nobody likes you, cut your losses and leave before Hallmark and Lifetime have to physically boo you out of here. Anyway, from what I did watch here’s what I can tell you…Stacy is a baker who got dumped and her ex already moved on with what seems to be a real biddy. So she goes to a baking competition in a country probably located next to Genovia in made-up fairytale land. A weird magical guy who pops up all over the joint is VERY fixated on fulfilling a Christmas wish for Stacy. There’s an annoying over-acting child and a straight rip from The Parent Trap handshake. And true to the switching places classic trope, Stacy finds that the Duchess of Belgravia(?), Margaret, looks identical to her and is yearning for a normal bakers’ life of chaos. Of course since we’re dealing with a fictional country, an accent that sounds somewhat British and somewhat bullshit is tossed into the mix so watching Vanessa Hudgens navigate that is lolworthy.

Bonus Points: A VERY predictable love interest switcharoo and a Chicago baseball cap that never goes away in case you’re ever wondering where Stacy hails from. Also the two “twins”/ “distant relatives” physically running into each other the first time they meet.

 

christmasatthepalace

Christmas at the Palace, Hallmark

It pains me to do this because we all know I have a raging girl crush on Merritt Patterson, but this movie blows big time. It’s no coincidence that the two royal movies were B2B on my skip list. Katie and her bud Jessica, are just two average girls from Trenton, NJ who have an ice skating show in made up San Senova. Katie PHYSICALLY runs into King Alex in the plaza even though neither of them are blind. It’s alarming how often they have people bulldozing each other over as meet-cutes in these garbage royal movies. They’re hired at the palace to throw an ice dancer Christmas pageant because the King’s daughter Christina, is a real fan girl. She takes up FAR too much of the storyline and obviously drama ensues leaving them both to bail on the pageant. Well, one of them bails and then comes back and skates right onto the ice as if she never left. Nice try, girl.

Bonus Points: When Katie breaks the news to Christina that she’s ditching her lame ass pageant, even though the whole thing started because her and Jessica–professional skaters–were hired to put it on, she gives her a cheap ice skating figurine at the same time AS IF THAT WILL MAKE HER ANNOUNCEMENT LESS DOUCHEY.

HometownXmas

Hometown Christmas, Lifetime (Beverley Mitchell, Stephen Colletti)

Noelle’s dead mom used to run the live nativity in her southern hometown every year, so Noelle (who is supposedly a doctor in Chicago, though it’s mysteriously never brought up again after the first ten minutes) comes back to revive it. Her high school sweetheart who broke up with her to go pro in baseball lives back at home now because he blew out his arm or something equally as cliche. The whole movie throws a lot of incesty vibes with Noelle’s family, especially her relationship with her brother, which is far too flirty for comfort. In fact, when the whole fam troops on over to the county fair, they go to do a “southern snowman” contest and Noelle is like obviously we’re partners to her brother and he has to be like um, maybe this year my partner should be my fiance. YIKES NOELLE, READ THE ROOM. In another completely unbelievable storyline, their dad announces he’s dating someone new, then invites Noelle’s ex boyfriend Nick and his mother over to go to the county fair where they immediately eye bang each other. It is VERY apparent that he’s dating Nick’s mom, and yet when the two are found playing tonsil hockey underneath the mistletoe 20 mins later, Noelle is like DAD WTF YOU’RE DATING HER?! How was that not obvious? No seriously, what idiot didn’t pick up on those clues. The two of them were basically drooling when they greeted each other and both kids were like oh this is normal, they’re just friends?! ANYWAY, after 100 million things go wrong (and Noelle and Nick make amends even though their parents are dating as well), the nativity DOES happen and of course, per 2018 holiday movie tradition, ends in TERRIBLE song.

Bonus Points: When the church floods and they have to find a new venue for their live nativity, they go to the local theater and the owner is like oh damn, we’re all set up for this week’s production of a barnyard play. And Noelle and Nick are like the world is ending. Then Noelle has a light bulb and goes to an abandoned barn, where they decide to hold the nativity. IF THE THEATER WAS USING A BARN SET, HOW IS GOING TO AN ACTUAL BARN ANY F*CKING DIFFERENT?! Ok. I’m done. If you’d like to be entertained by this movie instead of triggered by their stupid script writing, check out Bev’s very apparent lazy eye and drink every time it’s looking in a very different direction from the other.

WATCH

THE-CHRISTMAS-CONTRACT

The Christmas Contract, Lifetime (OTH Reunion)

You knew that no matter what, I was gonna love this movie as a diehard One Tree Hill fan. Was it confusing that they cast this movie then did a reunion immediately following it without Chad Michael Murray and Bethany Joy Lenz who were also in tv holiday movies this year? Sure was. But either way, I’m gonna ship any sort of cast hang for a show that was basically my obsession from ages 13-22. The movie itself has Jolie (what a southern name) bringing her bestie’s brother Jack  home for Christmas as a fake boyfriend  because her ex has already moved on. Other than the fact that Skillz and Rachel Gattina are married in this movie, we get a song and performance from Tyler Hilton (with gratuitous slow dancing in jean shirts) as well as a little Clean Teen drop in from the leather pants wearin hussy who stole Mouth’s virginity. They really pulled out all of the stops for this one. Something that is extremely important to note, Jolie’s ex boyfriend is hideous. He has FOREVER greasy hair with quite the five head. In fact, my sister pointed out he’s basically a younger version of Marv. So he’s got that going for him.

marv

Obviously the two fall in love while fake dating and learning about each other and the fam loves Jack. There’s even a campfire singalong to Deck the Halls that makes me want to rip my ears off. Good, clean, holiday fun for all.

Bonus Points: For all of you 7th Heaven stans, Jeremy London is a supporting role and wears a variety of fedoras. One is corduoroy. There’s also a fun scene where Jolie has to teach her greaser of an ex boyfriend that breaking up means not talking anymore. Also, Robert Buckley in dark framed glasses…sup?

Full Disclozsh: If you’re watching and feel so inclined to watch the HOUR OTH reunion they tacked on afterward to grab more viewers, SKIP IT and thank me later. It’s a bunch of not at all related to OTH Christmas games and it’s embarrassing for everyone involved.

 

poinsettiasforchristmas

Poinsettias for Christmas, Lifetime (Bethany Joy Lenz)

It seems as though it would be approps to get all my fellow OTH’ers out of the way at once. Bethany has been lookin like a dime lately and really killin it in the holiday movie game. Last year she had a winner with Andrew Walker and this year she got me to care about Poinsettias. Control freak Ellie comes home to her family’s farm to help save it and there’s a babe soda working there, encroaching on her fam’s territory so obviously they are going to butt heads and fall in love. There’s the classic ole spray each other with a hose and have a snowball fight with virtually no snow as flirting. There’s a chance the Poinsettias won’t be ready for delivery by Christmas and it’s a real nail biter until obviously Ellie pulls some bullshit theory out of her ass and saves them. There’s some random side story about Sean possibly dating this TV personality who was trying to buy the family farm? but in the end they “break up” and at the Christmas parade, Sean tosses aside a hot dog before smooching Ellie, which almost makes me put this movie on the shit list. DO NOT WASTE A PERFECTLY GOOD WIENER FOR ANYTHING, let alone a mediocre closed mouth kiss.

Bonus Points: Boo thang Sean built his own log house. What a Noah Calhoun swoon.

prideprejudice

Pride, Prejudice & Mistletoe, Hallmark (Lacey Chabert, Brendan Penny)

Darcy (Lacey) comes home to take time away from her job. She immediately dumps her boring finance boyfriend who also happens to work for her dad and reconnects with her high school debate teammate Luke while they plan her mom’s Christmas event. My first thought is could her family BE more involved in her love life? My boyfriend’s first thought is all of the men in this movie are clearly gay. He’s just bitter I’ve already forced him to watch double the amount of holiday movies as last year and we weren’t even into December yet. Although in relation to the men in this movie, the only requirement I saw for a male role was having a ridiculously deep side part. There’s a song and dance (not literally, this can be confusing as many Hally’s this year have leaned heavy on the musical numbers…rest assured this is a welcome non-singing installment) about kissing under the mistletoe where Darcy continuously hard passes Sean every time he tries to sneak a smooch “per Christmas tradition”. Obviously she finally gives in at the end.

Bonus Points: When Darcy’s bro and sis in law announce their pregnancy on top of her breakup announcement. They’re like can’t wait to celebrate Christmas the four of us and Darcy’s like uh no we broke up and those assholes are like NO THERE’S FOUR OF US, pointing to her belly. Way to breeze right over her heartbreak and still manage to make it about your not even showing baby bump. Thank u, next.

mingle

Mingle All the Way, Hallmark

In the spirit of full disclosure, I saw like the last 40 mins of this movie but it was enough to tell me that it was much better than some of the trash they were tossing out this year. A lot of this review has to do with the fact that the guy is cute and there was NO singing. Molly creates an app that pairs people up (much like a dating app) so that you can have a companion for all of your holiday biz parties/events. Her and Jeff get matched up and since she wants to prove to her judgmental AF parents that her app is a success, they stick it out for all of the holiday season, natch falling in love in the process. I don’t know who the hell has this many events around the holidays but I’d like your job, plz. I haven’t been able to score one open bar holiday party since about 3 years ago and these people are like we have multiple engagements. MUST BE NICE. Although not to brag, but totes to brag, I won a $50 gift card to Target at my holiday party for my part time job this year so I’M BASICALLY RICH. I’m still excited off of the high of that. Didn’t need a date from an app to WIN BIG AT THE RAFFLE. Anyway, there’s a little ex reappearance at the end to confuse this maybe professional maybe romantic relationship (go away, ASHLEY) but in the end, dating apps take the W in this very 2018 Hally.

Bonus Points: Molly somehow manages to fall OVER the Christmas tree and right into Jeff’s arms for a catch FULL of panting, staring and sexual tension. Spoiler alert: this doesn’t result in a kiss because it’s not the last scene of the movie and any kiss before the final 5 minutes is ALWAYS interrupted. Also at one point Molly says “My compliments to the Jeff” while eating Jeff’s cooking and my eyeballs roll at rapid speed out of my skull.

itstimetocomehomeforchristmas

Time For Me To Come Home For Christmas, Hallmark Movies and Mysteries (Megan Park, Josh Henderson)

Famous country singer Heath (we quickly learn he only sings country Christmas songs), who also confusingly sometimes goes by Lee meets Kara at the airport in one of those classic we’re both going home for Christmas but our travel plans keep getting f’ed so we’re just going to end up making our own way together, road trip with an attractive stranger style. It takes Kara an unnatural amount of time to figure out that Heath is a Grammy-winning singer, which she irrationally gets pissed about. Sorry he’s not a douche who announces that he’s famous when someone doesn’t recognize him, Kara, THAT’S ACTUALLY AN ADMIRABLE QUALITY. True to this year’s traditions with Hallmark, there’s a LOT of singing (specifically terrible lip syncing, which I guess is just their MO) as well as annoying children trying to steal the spotlight. I’m willing to ignore all of these things because somehow I still found this movie more tolerable than most. There’s a lot of sob stories as we learn that Heath/Lee lost his dad recently and Kara lost her mom. They also stay with an old friend of Heath’s en route and the wife is sick. At one point in the movie my boyfriend had an outburst where he yelled, “is this guy gonna choose whether or not he wants to have an accent?!” And that was probably the most exciting moment of the movie. Clearly we’re both triggered by actors being terrible at accents. I perfected my British accent just from being obsessed with Harry Potter movies when I was 12, actual actors who get paid for it should probably know how to do a southern drawl or an American accent. In the most cringeworthy of grand finales, Heath/Lee is struck by inspiration and writes/sings a new song on Christmas day around the fire. Kara joins in, making it a duet of a brand new song that she’s never heard. His mom awkwardly stands far too close to him and bops in his face while he plays the guitar, then she too takes a solo verse right there on the spot and then Kara jumps in for one as well because why not? Suddenly out of nowhere there’s a violinist and Heath’s sister is playing guitar. I literally had to ask myself if I was on drugs or if this scene was real life. Everyone breaks into applause when Kara and Heath hug. Goodnight.

Bonus Points: Lee/Heath’s mom gives him a photo album that they’ve been talking up for the entire movie that she spent all year making. He flips through it at rapid speed, looking completely disinterested and then abruptly gets up to leave and find Kara who he just saw five minutes earlier. Instead of his mom being like wtf you ungrateful twat, she’s like follow your heart, son! Also, at the beginning of the movie there’s a flight attendant that is vying for worst movie character of all time. She denies Heath a spot in first class on the plane and tells him there’s no exceptions then asks him for an autograph. The same condescending MF’er then escorts annoying kid #1 off the flight and when Heath gifts the kid wings from his dad who was a pilot, she whine-sings “LOOK WHO GOT HIS WINGSSSSS.” Bye, bish. Get lawst.

Christmas-Wedding-Planner

Christmas Wedding Planner, Netflix

I DIRECTLY contradict myself with this one. My artfully worded diss to Netflix on my Princess Switch review will be eaten in full after watching this number. Technically it’s a last year edition that was overlooked, but nevertheless it IS a Netflix original and I DID like it. Turns out it was based on a Harlequin novel and judging by my rabid taste for red hot reads, I’m not surprised I loved this one. I’m giving the novel credit here instead of Netflix because I’m still annoyed at the fact that they’re trying so hard to be a holiday TV movie competitor. Regardless, Kelsey is a disaster, clumsy wannabe wedding planner and her first job is planning her cousin’s wedding. So basically me minus the planning my cousin’s wedding part, which can easily be remedied if my cousin who is getting married in the fall is reading this. But I digress, Kelsey’s cousin Emily and her aunt Olivia are classy AF so the pressure’s on to throw the perfect event. She has a little meet-cute moment with her cousin’s ex boyfriend who also happens to be the PI investigating her cousin’s fiance, Todd. Ya follow? They do everything they can to make Todd look like a supreme slimeball. I literally cringed out of my body the first scene he’s in where he drops off jewelry to the bridesmaids and says “he just wants to keep his ladies happy.” BARF BARF BARF. He also has a very apparent tick where he winks on every other word that escapes his perv-tastic mouth. These are red flags! How did this beautiful girl fall in love with this dirtbag? As you might presume, Kelsey and Connor investigate Todd while she continues to plan the wedding. They naturally fall in love, probably because Connor’s business partner and BFF is Joey Fatone. No seriously, JOEY FATONE. And his acting is NEXT LEVEL bad. We get it Joe, you’re Italian. In the end, there’s a soap opera wedding moment where it turns out *SPOILER ALERT* Todd knocked up the maid and his parents tried to pay her off. GROSS, TODD. Since the wedding is canceled it obviously makes the most sense for Kelsey and Connor to get married because who needs Connor’s family at the wedding and most marriages that’re built to last start from knowing each other a couple weeks before getting engaged and married right on the spot…everybody knows THAT.

Bonus Points: A very rom-com stakeout montage. They laugh, they snack, they sing and dance in goofy sunglasses, they take selfies, they snuggle into a nap. The makings of every great relationship depends on how good they montage. Plus these two are both babes. 5 stars.

Standard