JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 6/15/2020

1. Another One Bites The Dust.

clarkson-blackstock

*Technically* this news broke last week. And unfortunately for me, my sister scooped me on this while I was out of town. I wasted no time in spinning right around and scooping my bestie. It’s a scoop eat scoop world out there and we’re all just doing anything we can to stay on top. I expect that my bestie then turned to her fiancé and scooped him even though he probably couldn’t care less. Doesn’t matter. Still counts as a scoop. But I got carried away there as I tend to do. The real tragedy here is that quarantine is knocking couples down left and right. Celebs who once relied on spending 99% of their relationship traveling or living separately or constantly busy and unable to spend time together anyway hit a HOARD realization once the world shut down that PERHAPS those factors are what made their relationship work and PERHAPS being around each other all the time has reminded them that they barely tolerate each other. That’s just a shot in the dark as someone who is currently living with her parents who have been married for 38 years today (Happy Anniversary, M&D!) and if they spend too much time in each other’s presence yell at each other for breathing. My mom almost burns the house to the ground anytime my dad eats a banana near her because he chews it so grossly. Facts are facts…people aren’t meant to live inside of each other’s buttholes with no breathers and if you factor in small children on top of that, YOIKES. It’s really no surprise that celeb ‘ships are dropping like flies. Obviously the biggest loss of this particular relationship is that Kelly can no longer call Reba “Mom” and that should really take a lot of content out of the 9 different country music awards that happen annually.

2. J Baby VERY MUCH Confirmed.

EXCLUSIVE: Sophie Turner Shows Off Her Growing Baby Bump While Out with Joe Jonas in Los Angeles.

Back in February it was leaked that Sophie Turner was pregnant but it was never “officially” announced and so if you’ll recall (remind yourself by re-reading HERE) I declared that if this news didn’t end up being the real deal, I’d get a face tat because I prematurely yapped about it before knowing if it was legit or not. Well THIS BEAUTIFUL FACE WILL REMAIN MY MONEY MAKER, CLEAN AS A WHISTLE! THAT IS A PREGNANT ASS WOMAN! VICTORY IS MINE MUAHAHHAHHAHHA. Ok but seriously though why keep it mums? Like if you’re not going to go full Kylie Jenner and go into hiding for an entire year until that baby is born…what’s the idea behind letting other people announce your pregnancy and then just never saying anything about it…but then waltzing around with your very OBVIOUSLY pregnant belly. Kinda a weird move here. Is she creating a diversion so we don’t know that Pri is also pregnant and we’ll have Jonai cousins same day birth (to be documented for Amazon entitled “Happiness Jr.”) Just spitballin here, but since Pri and Nick seem to be total social media whores about all of the things that go on in their life, I doubt they’d be hiding a baybay. PS I was going to get cocky a few weeks ago when the below paparazzi picture was released but it just wasn’t OVERLY preggers to me. Like I’d feel pretty awful if I was like HAHA SHE’S PREGNANT, BITCHES and she just was wearing a baggy black sweatshirt and hadn’t pooped in a couple of days. I’m glad I waited for the real money shot. Feels a lot more satisfying this way.

sophieandjoe

3. Showmance.

View this post on Instagram

cats outta the bag ❤️

A post shared by stokes, chase here i am (@hichasestokes) on

Remember when I did everyone a service and watched all of the new series on Netflix and Hulu just so that I could tell you which ones were garbage and which ones were probably still garbage but addicting as hell? (Catch up HERE if you missed) Outerbanks definitely fell in the latter category. For sure made for teenagers and yet every adult I follow on Twitter got sucked into its treasure hunt Pogue life wormhole. It was so awesomely bad and the center of the cheesiness was John B and Sarah–star crossed lovers. Where Pogues meet Kooks. One was a homeless orphan running from the cops, the other a privileged fancy B living in a mansion with a real doucher for a dad. (No spoilers) Obviously these two couldn’t make out on a boat while the sun set for the show and NOT fall in love IRL. Superfans were already starting to sniff out that they were boning it up so they decided to make it instaG offish. I’m not really shipping these two like many teen hearts are across the world–mostly because I found her SUPER annoying in the show and I found John B super beach babe soda but now that I follow him on Instagram and see what he’s really like, I’m over it. It was really just the waves and the fugitive life that was making his sex appeal boom for me. Now it’s just MEH. So have fun, you two crazy kids. But don’t break up right before you start filming season 2 and force a shitty story line because you can’t be professional and continue to smooch each other. (Lookin’ at you One Tree Hill….the Lucas and Brooke breakup of season 3 after their engagement failed IRL wrecked me.)

View this post on Instagram

This one

A post shared by Maddie (@madelyncline) on

Also those two Insta’s PERFECTLY describe how boys post pictures vs. how girls post pictures in a relationship. Chase posts a hideous selfie probably not meant for anyone other than them, Madelyn posts an adorbs professional photo of them. Yup..sounds about right. My ex boyf posted a collection of my UGLIEST photos for my birthday one year (after I asked him if he was gonna even give me a social media shoutout for my 28th year) and when I pointed out how ugly I was in all of those photos he laughed. On his birthday I picked model status photos. NBD but the BIGGEST DEAL EVER boys are the worst.

4. CREEP ALERT.

chris-delia

 

Chris D’Elia is the latest alleged Hollywood creepster using his fame and celebrity status to lure teens to bang him. And here’s where I’m a little confused. One girl started out the confessions by tweeting the below (click for the whole thread):

And then within the same day, TONS of girls came forward tweeting receipts of their similar experiences. Basically high school or sometimes even middle school girls (WOOF) would reach out to him via social media saying they liked his comedy or telling him he was funny or that they saw him live…whatever. And then he would use them being fans and young dum dums to take advantage of them and demand to meet up for after show BJ’s or a whole other bunch of icky things that a thirty + year old should never be requesting from a teenager who doesn’t even have a drivers license yet. And he would have girls like this in every city as he toured and could just reach out to them for a hookup as he cruised through. I mean there’s literally hundreds of tweets to read through, some actual screenshots from the girl he was texting/messaging/emailing and some just anonymous entries because the girl didn’t want her name out there. There’s really no reason to believe that this many girls would just make this up for attention and yet here’s the statement that ole Chrissy finally released:

“I know I have said and done things that might have offended people during my career, but I have never knowingly pursued any underage women at any point. All of my relationships have been both legal and consensual and I have never met or exchanged any inappropriate photos with the people who have tweeted about me. That being said, I really am truly sorry. I was a dumb guy who ABSOLUTELY let myself get caught up in my lifestyle. That’s MY fault. I own it. I’ve been reflecting on this for some time now and I promise I will continue to do better.”

And this is where my confusion comes into play. After ALL of those confessions, you’re really gonna say Nah, WASN’T ME. wut?!

That’s gotta be one of the WORST official responses to sexual harassment/assault allegations in history. ESPECIALLY in the #MeToo era. And then on top of that to have him play a pedo on the Netflix show “You” and to have SEVERAL soundbytes with jokes about how there isn’t some conspiracy in Hollywood where older guys are banging younger girls. This is fishy as hell and I doubt this shitty statement makes this all just go away so buckle up, Chris. You’re about to get CAAAAAAANCELLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEDDDD.

5. I Said A Bang, Bang, Bangity, Bang.

View this post on Instagram

I know I need bangs 😜😜 !!!!! Who would have thought bangs could make you look waaaaay younger ?!?! I stopped having bangs in the 3rd grade and I remember like it was yesterday …. it was such a big deal to expose my forehead …. only pretty people in the south could do that and I never felt pretty enough to pull it off. All the beauty pageant girls did it but I never felt beauty pageants were my thing … I had bad teeth and felt like an ugly duckling. I met with a modeling agency but I wasn’t pretty enough so I went home and said, "maybe I can be like the older girls and show my forehead" !!!! I did and it looked sooooo bad but I thought I was gorgeous 🤣 !!!! I think I knew it didn’t look good but I did it because I thought it made me cool …. and I’ve pretty much had it like that ever since !!!! People choose different ways to protect themselves …. when I pull my bangs in front of my head I feel like I’m protected … almost like I’m in 3rd grade again ⭐️💖🌸 !!!

A post shared by Britney Spears (@britneyspears) on

It was a literal headline this week that Britney Spears got bangs. She debuted them on her Instagram, which is the eighth world wonder. If you ever want to scroll through someone’s insta and feel like you’re losing years on your life, Britney’s is my top suggestion. There are so many trashy nuggets to gain from what she chooses to share with the world and you might wonder aloud more than once, “who is doing wellness checks on her?” Well, I knew that she cut bangs thanks to the People.com article about it, but they didn’t acknowledge the fact that just days before she did the deed, she posted an entire soliloquy about how bangs make her feel pretty because she’s not pretty enough to show off her forehead. She then pulled baby hairs out of her ponytail to mimic bangs for this national declaration. WHAT A TRIP. I don’t think it would hurt for someone to just ask her with prolonged eye contact how she’s doing. Maybe one of her family members? I mean we go from her burning her gym down (and acting ho hum LOL I BURNED MY GYM DOWN about it) to chopping a fringe because her forehead is ugly. Brit…girl…it’s a known warning not to cut bangs after a breakup for a reason. Bangs are ALWAYS a regret. And let me be probably the first but certainly not the last to say WOOF. What is happening here?!

View this post on Instagram

🌹🌹🌹

A post shared by Britney Spears (@britneyspears) on

PS as many of you basic bitches know, Teej/Marshalls/Homegoods finally opened back up again this week. Women everywhere who just love a bargain flocked to their doors, my mom being one of them. There’s just a thirst that we all have within us for cheap clothes and shoes that we probably don’t need and it’s been so many months since we’ve been able to drink a tall glass of Maxxinista. I sent my mom out to test the waters and see how things were going (scope out lines and idiot crowds) and report back. Afterward, I made my first Teej trip and gave her strict instructions not to allow me to buy a bunch of stupid shit that I don’t need as I’m trying to save money and she obliged. We walked in and went our separate ways where I proceeded to pull clothes of racks at rapid speed. That’s when I stumbled upon a black graphic tee with a variation of the 2001 “Britney” album cover and my need for pop culture graphic tees TOOK OVER. It was only 8 dollars (on clearance of course) and when I presented all of my things to my mom, I fully expected that to be the first to get bounced as “shit I didn’t need.” But AU CONTRAIR, Cin told me I DID NEED THIS BRITNEY SHIRT. And now I’m the proud owner of a tee that every time I rock, I will shout It’s Britney, Bitch! And that brings me more joy than $8 could ever buy. It’s only slightly concerning that when I brought it home and modeled it for my dad he asked me if those were her new bangs. BRITNEY SPEARS GETTING BANGS WAS SUCH NEWS THAT MY DAD HEARD ABOUT IT. Also, upon my first outing to Dunks in my new tee, a GrubHub driver picking up his order shouted BRITNEY! and when I realized he was talking to me he launched into a full convo about what Britney’s son has been “tweetering.” So basically not only do I look cool as hell in this shirt, it’s also a hot topic for conversation in public. WHAT A FIND.

 

BONUS: Here’s your favorite part of the JUice where I hawk my own TikToks. Unfortunately I have some very solemn news for you all. I’ve regressed on the Tok. While I once was booming with thousands of views, I now REGULARLY post videos that get 0 views. TikTok does not appreciate my brand of comedy and I am incredibly disappointed in them. I’m SORRY I CAN’T DANCE. I’M SORRY I’M NOT THE MOST BOOOOORING PERSON EVER. So watch my Tiktoks if you want. Or keep them at 0 views. WHATEVER. I’m going to keep making them because THEY MAKE ME LAUGH.

@thesaltyju

All it took was three months of wearing loungewear for me to give 0 F’s. #90skids #iloveit #bikeshortsftw #fashion #savedbythebell #fyp

♬ original sound – thesaltyju

And obviously, I can’t talk about my bomb ass new shirt without strutting it, MAMA.

Standard
Music, Playlist

Bitch, I’m Limited Edition.

This is for anyone who’s having a day (or a life) where they’re feeling down about themselves and need a quick reminder of just how awesome they are. I need this reminder more days than most but let me tell you, a quick rotation of songs that tell me how hot, cool, funny and unique I am, songs that remind me that I can do anything that I put my mind to? That shit works. Just listening to one of these songs gives me a burst of confidence and self-love so there’s no telling what I’ll do after a whole playlist full. Coincidentally, feeling insecure or defeated can sometimes come with a breakup, therefore I’ve peppered in a few dust yourself off breakup songs that I’ve enjoyed and related to over the past year as well. If you’re not going through a breakup, this playlist will still make you do a high kick and want to stunt all over your haters. Regardless of where you are in life, hopefully these songs will reinforce that you’re the bomb.com. OWN IT, ho. (I use this as a term of endearment, I’m really on a hot streak with it ever since I learned via The Last Dance that Michael Jordan repeatedly called his teammate a ho while bullying him to be a better player. MJ might have intended for it to be mean, but it made me laugh and therefore I’m normalizing ho as a name we can call our friends when we’re keeping it real.)


ME! – Taylor Swift Ft. Brendan Urie. Some might say because of my years-long obsession with Taylor Swift and anticipation of this single, I related to it a little TOO hard when it was finally released. I jammed out to it every chance I got and then to take it an annoying step further, would use it as an excuse for why I am the way that I am. If I did something obnoxious that would illicit an eye roll, I would immediately back it up with  well, you can’t spell awesome without me! No one enjoyed it but I felt like it embodied the awkward weird girl who may struggle with confidence and need a reminder sometimes that there’s no one out there like me and THAT’S WHAT MAKES ME GR8! Thanks, Tay. I mean, the song literally starts out with I know that I’m a handful. Like did she write it about herself or about me? So for anyone whose a real dramatic disaster mess, that’s what makes us FUN!

All I Do Is Win – DJ Khaled Ft. Ludacris, T-Pain & Snoop Dogg. This is an all-around feel good jam coming from a place of over-confidence. If you’re ever looking for someone who toots their own horn, look no further than a rapper. They will have no trouble telling you about all of their money, cars and women lining up to bang them. And sometimes, that’s just what you need. You need to believe that you’re rolling in money, winning every single day, even if you’re very unemployed and living with your parents. I’ve used this song on one of my other playlists but it deserves a repeat. Plus, we just taught my 3 year old niece the chorus and I’m happy to give her another opportunity to show her madd skillz in throwing her hands in the air–UP DOWN, UP DOWN, UP DOWN. PS no hotter opening flow than LUDACRIS GOIN IN ON THE VERSE CAUSE I’VE NEVER BEEN DEFEATED AND I WON’T STOP NOW. You TELL EM, Luda!

Bathroom Floor – Maddie & Tae. Here’s a post breakup joint that I discovered while dabbling around YouTube and I’m so glad I did. Although it directly references crying from a breakup, I think it can be applied to anytime you’re knocked down. Get up, wash your face, put on a fab outfit and hit the town. Obviously this doesn’t apply in the current state of affairs but as soon as the world opens back up again, you best be getting up off that bathroom floor, gurl. Also, can confirm this is a great song to dance to.

I Love Me – Demi Lovato. It’s possible that the release of this song is what became the catalyst for making this playlist. Ya girl Demi has BEEN through some shit in the past couple of years and is very open about her struggles, so when we she released “Anyone”, her first song in over a year, about basically her lowest point, it was a very emotional song to listen to (may or may not have cried in the shower a couple times to it.) But then her follow up song is THIS. And I’m like GO OFF, QUEEN. It shows just how easy it is to get into down in the dumpster lows, but you have to remind yourself why you’re great to pick yourself up out of those lows. SAY IT WITH ME: I’m a ten out of ten even when I forget! Basically Demi managed to put a therapy sesh in song form, and for that I am grateful.

Soulmate – Lizzo. Lizzo busted onto the scene a year or so ago in a BIG way. I’m not referring to her size, I’m referring to the size of her confidence, which is what made her so infectious. I could’ve easily put every single song off of her album on this playlist because they all spout self-love, acceptance and badass confidence. There’s a reason people can’t stop captioning their selfies with her lyrics (guilty as charged.) She’s full of catchy one-liners to describe feelin’ ourselves. This song reminds us that if you don’t love yourself first, you’ll be hot garbage in a relationship. Lizzo puts it much more eloquently, of course. For example, “I know I’m a queen but I don’t need no crown.” Tysm, Lizzo.

Love Myself – Hailee Steinfeld. I added this knowing full well that it’s a controversial tune, but it’s 2020 baby, time to embrace it. This song is 1000000% about masturbation. Like there’s no dancing around it, the lyrics are plain as day, this gurl is DJ’ing in her bed singing about how she don’t need a man to orgasm. That being said, it’s a fire song and just so perfectly fits this theme. Although it may be nice sometimes to have somebody else in bed, do you really NEED them? Hailee says no. SCREAM YOUR OWN NAME! Ok, I’ll stop making you all uncomfy now.

***Flawless – Beyonce ft. Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. For anyone who’s not already a fan of this song, this is going to be weird to listen to because of all the soundbytes Yonce decided to toss in. Between the announcer voice at the beginning and end and ya gurl Chim giving a Ted Talk on feminism, it’s a lot to handle. But IN THE BEST WAY. This song is powerful as hell and gave us the cocky as shit phrase “I Woke Up Like This.” As soon as this album dropped and all of her pink font merch was appearing, I raced to the closest Etsy page selling knockoffs (I’m not about to pay full inflated price for a black tee with pink letters ironed on–that’s robbery) and ordered myself a tank top that just said FLAWLESS across the boobs. The first tank I received had a hair ironed into the letters. I cried. But when I received the replacement, I wore that tank constantly, usually unshowered and looking less than flawless–something my dad was all too pleased to point out. And you know what? I just flipped my hair and screamed BOW DOWN, BITCHES.

Not 20 Anymore – Bebe Rexha. Beebz has taken a lot of heat through the years about her “curvy” body. Obviously she’s petite & skinny and probably has a six pack but she also got an AZZ on her. As someone who busted a hole in clothing items twice in a six month span just because baby got back, I can very much relate. Bebe has been outspoken about what size she is after designers refused to make her red carpet looks because she’s a size 10 and has tried to create a platform around body positivity for the youths looking up to her. I saw her perform live last summer and was blown away by the amount that girl was dropping it low and bopping all over a stage like it was going out of style. At one point her backup dancer literally kicked her but those thicc thighs of hers were ready to take the hit. So praise her and her body confidence and beating out all insecurities women have about getting old. Twenties are for insecure losers, the big leagues start at 30 when you age like a fine wine and feel comfy in your skin. (I’m using her lyrics to tell you this, because I’m not yet 30 and therefore a very insecure loser…fingers crossed next year I’ll be like OMG YES 30 is the greatest age alive rather than feeling old as dick.) Shoutout to Bebe for also dropping this heater on her 30th. Typically I hate when girls post thirst traps, like we get it, you’re hot (eye roll) but I liked that this was a big FU to everyone who calls her fat. Check out that fAT AzZzZZ.

 

You Need Me, I Don’t Need You – Ed Sheeran. I think the best part about this cocky “I’m the best” song is that it was one of the first songs Ed even released. He wasn’t the superstar he is now, he was an unknown UK singer/rapper, couch surfing and he’s like I don’t need any of you, I’m THE stuff. And he wasn’t wrong. I like that kind of fiery hot confidence right out the gate. It shows you that confidence is nothing more than telling yourself you’re awesome and then trying to convince others the same. Sounds so easy, right? He was basically Babe Ruth calling his shot on becoming a massively famous musician, selling out stadiums. And then he made it come true. Let that be a lesson, y’all. Also, Ed’s always been a wordsmith but hands down one of his greatest lines comes from this song right here–they say I’m up and coming like I’m f*cking in an elevator. Boom. Roasted.

Limitless – Jennifer Lopez. Shows you just how much of a megastar JLo is that she made this song as basically a throwaway for one of her movie soundtracks and it slaps this hard. I’ve written about this song before because I wanted her to perform it in the Super Bowl, so I don’t want to be repetitive for my super fans who read all of my blogs, but this is just a classic pump yourself up lady jam. Not saying guys can’t enjoy it too but there’s something about “I am a woman who roars” that seems to resonate more with the ladies. If there’s ever a doubt about if you can do something, look directly to JLo for inspiration. She’s 50 and THRIVING, Mama. Never give up.

Nightmare – Halsey. Coming off the high of being limitless, I decided to toss in this bangpiece that doesn’t necessarily directly relate to confidence boosting but should get you real fired up. It’s a little on the dark side, but that’s what we love about Halsey. She’s gritty and she isn’t afraid to tell you to F off. This is a GREAT song to scream sing in the car, I can attest to POPPING off more than once to I DON’T OWE YOU A G-D THING. What a rush that is to tell someone off, even if it’s just the inside of your vehicle.

How To Be Lonely – Rita Ora. Sprinkling in another post-breakup tune that I’ve enjoyed jamming to. Puts a real positive spin on the rock bottom feeling that heartbreak serves. It’s like when people say they feel free after a breakup. Like, I lost a human being who loves me, but now I can really focus on myself and do whatever I want. The bitter bitch in me wants to roll my eyes at things like that, but I’m trying to be less bitter so I’ll give Rita a chance here. Maybe the benefit of losing someone is that you learn to get comfy with being lonely. I’m not QUITE there yet, but I’ll keep working at it and bopping along to this sick beat.

Fight Song – Rachel Platten. Another war cry for anyone who just wants to stop trying. YOU’VE STILL GOT A LOT OF FIGHT LEFT IN YOU. So stop being a wiener and start being a warrior. I think that’s probably what Rachel was trying to say when she wrote this song.

Up – Thomas Rhett. I know this playlist focuses heavily on the *strong and sassy, independent women* tuneage, but I wanted to make sure I was including great male songs too even if they are far outnumbered–it’s only natural that I relate more to the female variety. TR gave us this positive track off his last album and it’s literally impossible to have the Debbie downer feels while listening. Life’s just a big ole rollercoaster and if you’re down right now, get ready to go up. I of course am still waiting for my ride to the top but TR has taught me to appreciate it more when I finally do get there because I REALLY know what it’s like to be in the pits. Seriously, any day now. I am ready and waiting for that skyrocket UP.

Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You) – Kelly Clarkson. Kelly Clarkson started her career on single girl anthems and that’s probably exactly why she became a megastar. She kicked that curly-headed f*ck Justin Guarini to the curb and was all Miss Independent. If she didn’t let From Justin to Kelly ruin her career from the very start, what doesn’t kill you truly does make you stronger.

Strip Me – Natasha Bedingfield. I’m not gonna let Natasha only be remembered for creating a song that will forever be tied to LC driving her Mercedes with the Hollywood sign in the background. This is a lesser known Natasha song but a whole lot more powerful than soundtracking a scripted reality show with “the rest is still unwritten.” Obviously she didn’t write the song with Lauren Conrad in mind, but you get the point. It’s another casual feminist anthem about always having a voice. So even if you lose everything else, they can never take your voice. Even if you use it to talk shit about celebrities and put out playlists on the internet.

Titanium – David Guetta Ft. Sia. This counts as another male appearance on the list even though Sia carries the song. This is the almighty goal here–no, not to physically have a robot body–but to care so little what people think or say about you that it just deflects off of you. That’s supreme level confidence and self-love that you don’t give a flying F what people think about you. Fire away, FIRE AWAY!

Castles – Freya Ridings. I heard this song on the radio this past fall and it was a day where I was thinking about how much everything sucked, feeling defeated and it was one of those rare moments that you don’t really get anymore (sorry radio, but you’re a dying medium for music discovery) where a song comes on randomly and it’s exactly what you need to hear. I remember feeling a surge of energy and relating the lyrics back to my broken heart as we all do when we’re being dramatic and feeling all the feels. Oh, what’s that, you’re doing great without me WELL I’M GONNA BUILD CASTLES AND BE MORE THAN YOU EVER THOUGHT I WAS. It was all I needed to feel better in that moment as I told off the pedestrian crossing in front of my car through song. Again, still working out the kinks on building that castle, it’s possible I need a few more rotations before I can really take action on that. But when I finally do, it’s over for you hoes.

Headlines – Drake. Again with the theory that no one brags on themselves better than rappers. Drake has basically made a career out of talking about how great he is, of course sometimes it comes at the expense of others–RIP Meek Mill. This is a throwback to OG Drizzy because I just love to point out when people are “overdosed on confidence” right from the start. It also gives me the opportunity to remind everyone of 2015 when I had an app that just responded to texts with Drake lyrics and boy was that a time to be alive. I wrote a whole blog on it because I too, was overconfident in my early blogging days, writing blogs where I literally texted myself for hours to get the right graphics. Check that out HERE for a giggle and a reminder that every once in a while it’s important to say something douchey like, “drinking every night because we drink to my accomplishments” to remind everyone around you what a boss you are.

Hold On – Wilson Phillips. I mean there really are no words to describe this classic and it’s timeless message. Other than imagining Kristen Wiig and Maya Rudolph interpretive dancing the chorus in bridesmaids dresses, you should also let the ladies of Wilson Phillips tell it like it is. They understand that life is a dumpster fire sometimes but you just hold on for one more day. And that’s all you really need to remember from this playlist. Having confidence or self love isn’t going to stop bad shit from happening, sometimes you just gotta fake it til you make it and keep waking up each day ready to fight. Whoa. Did I just get real deep?! You bet your ass I did. We all need a boost sometimes. I hope that this collection of tunes for the soul helped even just a little bit.

Also, not for nothing, but I listened to this playlist on my first attempt at a 15 mile bike ride the other day and it was a REAL rough situation between bugs, pollen, heat and going against the wind and there were several times I considered just sitting on a bench for a while or walking my bike back to my car and giving up, but quite literally every single song on this playlist pushed me to keep going. So even if you have confidence through the roof and you’re crushing life all day erreday, at least you know that this playlist can push you through a shitty workout where you want to throw up and die. YA WELCOME.

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/13/2020

1. Another Wronged 90’s Comeback.

The much hyped SBTB reboot with the return of Slater, Jessie, Zack & Kelly as parents of Bayside’s high school students has decided to drop a morsel in our quarantined state and honestly I wish they would take it back. I’m cooped up inside because the sky can’t stop dumping snow and icy winds down upon us and now I’ve gotta watch a VERY old looking Mama remind us that the good ole days of Bayside High were 30 years ago?! Uh uh, honey. I watched this teaser twice and that was two times too many. Tale as old as time, shows that were classic and hilarious in the 90’s want to strike again with a the kids are now parents comeback and it ALWAYS blooooooows. It’s campy and cheesy and the writing is tacky and they play into the same jokes and the nostalgia is 1000% NOT there. It ruins everything. Looking at you, Fuller House and Girl Meets World. Enough is enough. I don’t want to see Zack as a dad after I got to know him as a troublemaker man-whore who once dated a girl in a wheelchair and reminded her she was disabled every 30 seconds. I don’t want to learn that Slater is still ho’ing out in his middle age and reliving the past by being a high school gym teacher who relates everything back to his own high school years. 90’s reunions can be done in a late night bit where the jokes can be inapprops and the actors are making fun of themselves and THAT’S IT. The Salty Ju has dropped the ruling. We are done with 90’s sitcom reboots.

2. Brit & JT 4eva.

If you ever want to step outside of reality, I highly recommend taking a stroll through Britney Spears insta. Girl makes some of the weirdest videos on a daily basis. Trying on clothes and doing a fashion show or “dancing” like the one above. Also, she’s serving a WHOLE lotta choker. As someone who went through this trend hard 3 years ago, I think we can all agree it’s over. Either way, this week Brit made some waves when she danced to Filthy and casj called JT a genius. “We had one of the world’s biggest breakups 20 years ago” Ho Hum. Understatement of the century. How about “we crushed matching denim separates and then I cheated on him and he wrote a bangpiece song as a result.” I’d give her more credit if she was dancing to Cry Me a River because THAT was genius. Right down to the Britney look-alike in the video. Obviously, there was no response from JT, probs because he’s still on probation with Jess.

3. The Internet is Bored.

The internet tried to call the cops on Bubbles for “abusing” his wife in the above video clip. Because yes, people who beat their wives do it on Instagram live to millions of followers. If you’ve never caught an elbow from your man are you even in a relationship? Like let’s all relax and devote our hate to cancelling the Saved by the Bell reboot instead of biting the hand that feeds you. These two have been doing a live instagram every single day to entertain their fans and the fans responded by whistleblowing some playful ‘bows. Lupey responded but it was all in Spanish so I’ll save you the google translation and let you know that she told everyone to shut the hell up and MYOB. She loves her hubs and she’s not just saying that because he got grabby with her. ALL IS WELL.

4. No More Dating Shows.

I think we can all agree that what we aren’t lacking in TV is reality dating shows. There’s 9 trillion ways to marry people off in a three week period and we certainly don’t need one more. But don’t worry, Fox read the room and decided that yes we most certainly need another.  BUT THIS ISN’T JUST ANOTHER BACHELOR. Nope absolutely not. This is The Bachelorette for olds. Anyone whose watched one second of the Bachelor franchise knows that the girls keep getting younger and younger each season, hoping to find love or even better–more instagram followers. Fox said cut the shit and decided to dig Charlotte from Sex and the City up to help a 41 year old singleton find someone to put a baby in her before the cobwebs take over her nethers and it’s no longer possible to force a human head out. Also important to note that The newest Bachelorette is also pushing 40 so clearly the execs at ABC caught wind of this new show and wanted to prove that they’re not ageist. K. If America telling women that if they’re not married and with child by 35, they’re not doing life right–putting 40 somethings in an embarrassing reality dating competition IS SO MUCH WORSE. Please make it stop. If it sounds like I’m hating everything this week, please know that I am and that I tried really hard to find worthy things to talk about and honestly there was NOT A LOT. SO deal with it.

5. Fre$h Beatz.

We may have another month of staying indoors but that hasn’t stopped singers from dropping new heaters for us to listen to and probably never see performed live again. This week brings a Demi/Sam collab with some gay olympics, Kelly Clarkson reminding us all to stop being dirt humans when everything is falling apart, and blue-eyed babe soda Brett coming back after a VERY DRY 3 years of no music with a little piano tune about some lucky bitch named Gabrielle. Have a peaceful weekend.

Standard
Playlist

Millennial Gurl Pop Anthems

It’s been far too long since I’ve made a random playlist, told you to listen to it and written something relating back to myself about each song. I bet you missed it. Don’t lie. Recently I’ve been diving back into the world of 2000’s she-pop music. It all started with JLo and Shakira rocking the halftime show, then Jessica Simpson was like hey y’all I’ve been an alcoholic for my entire life and I wrote a book about it and I was like welp guess I need to start rotating her hits again and it spiraled into a 7 hour playlist of every girl pop song I grooved to from ages 11-19–basically these ladies raised me and I wanted to reminisce on those times. SO NOW YOU GET TO AS WELL! (Guys too. Don’t even for a second pretend you didn’t have these songs in heavy rotation.) To show just how dedicated I am, I busted out the ole CD’s to get into the song selecting mood and also feel like it’s 2005.

IMG-4725

A timely drop for Valentine’s Day because these ladies either sang about being in love or telling their boo to kick rocks so there’s something in here for everyone on this year’s VDay. ENJOY.

1. With You – Jessica Simpson. This was peak Newlyweds (how I’d like to memorialize each of them forever in my memory) and when Jess really started to lean into being a real dum dum. The song was basically about being yourself in a relationship and the video featured all of the things she was directly razzed about from their reality show. Calling a Platypus “plat-amuh-pus”, chicken or tuna, buffalo wings, her boobs getting in the way when she golfed, how she hated cleaning and was a real dirtbag to live with. It’s everything we love about Jess and what made her relatable and WHY THAT SHOW SHOULD STILL BE AIRING TODAY. Rest in Peace, Nick & Jess, Newlyweds Era.

2. So What – P!nk. Ah, another classic music video that tells the exact opposite story as the one before. Pink even references ya girl Jessica Simp in this song–GrL PoWeR! I’ve always had a soft spot for this song because of the story behind it. Pink was known as the badass B who didn’t fit in with the rest of the pop princesses but she was cool as hell with it and then she was dating Carey Hart who was like Bad Boy personified in his motocross lyfe. But then they broke up and she wrote this song and was like whatevs I’m still famous so we’ll be alright. PLOT TWIST THOUGH, she’s actually a softie and when she went to make this video she reached back out to Carey for the first time since they’d broken up and asked if he would be in the video AND HEARTS FLUTTER EVERYWHERE because him appearing in this video led to their reunion. What a great love story. She yells at him in her music video and he’s like k let’s get back togets and now they’ve been married for 13 years. Since I’ve always been a music video nerd I remember watching a behind the scenes (probably on TRL) where Pink was so nervous to have him onset that she had to get a little buzz on and LOOK AT THEM NOW. Also, goes without saying this song bangs.

3. No One – Alicia Keys. Taking it doooooown a notch with the soulful Alicia Keys. Nowadays you can find Alicia using her calm zen voice and piano playin talents to host the Grammy’s but honestly nothing has really changed about her. She wails on the keys and makes you want to close your eyes, bop your head and try to hit the highest of notes. Which obviously, I can. In my car–solo concert style.

4. Behind These Hazel Eyes – Kelly Clarkson. Kelly is queen of the breakup tell-off because that’s basically all she released for her first few albums that I listened to on repeat and just felt so UNDERSTOOD. Justin Guarini must’ve done a real number on her, that curly headed f*ck. This is one of her best numbers to scream sing to and I highly encourage that you do so. HERE I AM ONCE AGAIN just hits harder if you’re screaming at the top of your lungs.

5. If You Had My Love – Jennifer Lopez. Obviously I just did a whole blog dedicated to JLo’s hits and what I wanted her to perform at the super bowl–she performed 4 of those songs so shout out to JLo for reading my blog and being a woman of the people. Regardless, I’m not going to yap about the same songs here because that would just be redundant for my avid Salty Ju followers. Also, I could’ve picked any Jenny song and it would be a homerun. This particular tune is Jenny telling her mans how it’s gotta be because she’s not about to date a sleazeball. Ironically, the video (yes I’m going to reference basically every music video because this was the music video era and they all delivered the drama) is just a creepy guy sitting on his couch watching JLo dance around her house on his computer, watchmewatchu style. Yoikes not a turn I was expecting the song to make when she’s telling you to not mess this up, installing cameras in her house and peeping on her from afar is probably the quickest way to do that, sir.

6. Everything – FeFe Dobson. My homie FeFe wasn’t necessarily a heavy-hitter in the pop world like your Britney’s and your Mandy’s, but she holds a special place in my heart for when I was going through my punk pop phase and therefore I felt the need to give her a shout even though she pretty much disappeared after one album. If you look her up now, she’s apparently still making music but her instagram scared me, honestly and she’s married to a guy whose aesthetic is tattooed alternative cowboy rapper, so I’m out on that. Let’s just focus on the time period when she turned “do do dooooo” into actual lyrics.

7. Cry – Mandy Moore. I guess Mandy Moore does her best work when soundtracking a movie because I was deciding between Center Stage Mandy or A Walk to Remember Mandy for her feature on this playlist. Both wildly different stories and wouldn’t you know I went with the depressing one. Tearjerker classic A Walk to Remember was on TV a few weeks ago and I find myself equal parts ashamed and proud to admit that I could still recite the dialogue out loud word for word. Mostly because there will never be a more cringeworthy exchange than having a guy say I’m going to kiss you and replying “I might be bad at it.” Oh Jamie, you kiss virgin nerd bomber. Thank you for making me feel better as I laugh at you on my couch very much unemployed watching a 17 year old movie in the middle of a weekday. Either way, when Landon stares out at the water in the end SPOILER ALERT and says our love is like the wind, I can’t see it but I can feel it and you hear Mandy begin “I’ll always remember”, that’s a surefire way to have a single tear roll down your cheek. Thank you, Mandy.

8. Whenever, Wherever – Shakira. Even though I boo’ed the TV when Shakira came on first at the super bowl halftime show and I shouted DID JLO CALL IN SICK?! I still love Shakira. I just love JLo more and wanted a full JLo-Bowl with no interruptions. And I think that’s ok. I love Shakira but not like half-time show sort of love. I can still appreciate dem hips and self awareness for small boobs. Shaki paved the way for body confidence noting that it was lucky her breasts are small so they’re not confused with mountains. And you know what, same gurl. I’d never want someone to think my rack is the Alps cause that would be weird as hell.

9. Complicated – Avril Lavigne. You’ll notice that I’ve sprinkled in a few punk pop galz because at the end of the day, no matter how badass they tried to seem, anyone who tried to call themselves punk in the 2000’s were really just popstars who wore more eyeliner. Avril gave us the gift of incorporating a sassy uh-huh into a song and for that we should forever be grateful. But seriously, why ya gotta make things so complicated? Just chill the hell out. AND TELLLLLLLLL MEEEEEEEEE.

10. Hollaback Girl – Gwen Stefani. Ah, this brings me back to my 8th grade school trip to Cleveland (because Cleveland counts as a vacation destination when you grow up in Syracuse) and all my rich friends who had their first iPods bumped this beat on the 6 hour bus ride so we could all flirt by sharing earbuds and spelling bananas. CLASSIC. Also the DJ at Turning Stone popped this off a couple of weekends ago and several adults lost their shit so it’s a timeless jam that I can confirm we ladies still stomp our feet like this to. CAUSE WE AIN’T NO HUSSY HOLLABACK GUUUUUUUUURLZ. (Also lolz to the time period when Gwen only hung out with a Japanese posse called her Harajuku girls. What a time to be alive.)

11. Irreplaceable – Beyoncé. I could’ve included a Bey club beat here, but my heart told me to slow it down and sass it up with this one. This was Thank U, Next before Ariana was just a twinkle in her dirtbag father’s eye. With just one dubz finger pointing movement, Queen B told her man to take everything he own in a box to the left and get the hell out of her house. Before there was Becky with the good hair or BOY BYE, there was TO THE LEFT, TO THE LEFT and I think that’s an important lesson to remember. No matter what age Beyoncé is, she’ll always remind you that she’s a strong goddess and you ain’t shit without her.

to the left

12. Boyfriend – Ashlee Simpson. We couldn’t shout out Jess without Ash, otherwise Ash would get all emo again and be like I’M LIVIN IN THE SHADOW, OF SOMEONE ELSE’S DREAM. Wah, wah, wah. This bop is less I’m jelly of my sister for being more famous, and more shut your face because I didn’t steal your boyf and isn’t that just so much more fun?! Makes ya wanna hop around and shake ya boyfriend-less booty.

13. Beautiful – Christina Aguilera. I’ve been having a real soft spot for the lady slow jamz on this mix. Sometimes you just wanna belt out and be in your feels and nothing puts you in your feels more than whispering “don’t look at me” before singing about how beautiful you are, probably in the mirror after a few hundred glasses of wine. Judge me, I don’t care. WORDS CAN’T BRING ME DOWN.

14. Come Clean – Hilary Duff. I can’t have an anthem playlist without the anthem for rich high school idiots who live near a beach. Just kidding, disassociate this song from Laguna because it’s a heater all on its own and has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with 16 year olds who spring break in Cabo. There’s no nostalgia quite like hearing the beginning weird whistle sounds of this song and knowing that you’re about to let that rain fall down.

15. Lucky – Britney Spears. Brit has had an entire career pre and post shaved head breakdown of smash hits and yet none of them are on the same playing field as Lucky. Lucky is the one song that unites us all. It’s so incredibly stupid and yet it’s the best storytelling song out there, complete with actual knocks on the door. If you don’t act this song out start to finish–beginning with a dramatic AF “this is the story about a girl named Lucky” then I don’t even want to know you as a person.

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of  4/29/2019

1. Third Time’s A Surprise. 

Oh ho hum, Blake apparently hasn’t been photographed lately because here she is at Ry Ry’s premiere FULLY pregnant. I don’t understand how celebrities can do this, especially a giant one like Blake Lively married to another giant celebrity. You have paparazzi living inside of your butthole and you hid a pregnancy for several months?! If Jennifer Aniston eats a bowl of soup they zoom in on her stomach and say she’s expecting. Was Blake a shut-in? I must know every single detail. Also let’s not gloss over how amahzing she looks for the casual announcement. Rockin the big hair curls and they’re not even frizzy like mine are every. single. day. Spring has sprung and another beautiful child is on the way. SORPRESA!

blake

2. Elvis Marries A Jonas.

Screen Shot 2019-05-03 at 7.51.48 AM

I guess it’s just the week of surprises because Sophie Turner and Joe Jonas got SURPRISE married after the BBMA’s on Wednesday and as much as I razz on the JoBros, I dig this move. It’s so cool it hurts. Oh hey, we just performed at an awards show and our ladies got mad camera time, let’s all just roll over to the Elvis chapel down the strip with a select group of kewl kids and get married. Diplo instagram live’d the whole ceremony, they exchanged ring pops, Dan + Shay sang an acoustic version of Speechless as Sophie walked down the aisle. I mean come on. The only thing that would’ve made it cooler was if Taylor Swift was there but for obvious reasons (Joe dumped Taylor via text in like 2008) it was best that she wasn’t in attendance. Since Sophie’s cultivated such a cool girl persona I’m surprised she didn’t take a knee and chug wine at the end of the aisle but I guess they wanted to keep it classy. I would go on a tangent about how hilarious it is that Nick and Priyanka had a 10 year long castle wedding that was beyond extravagant and these two bozos just casually got married by Elvis and had their pics taken with a pink car in the chapel BUT turns out they only got married so that they can proceed with their originally planned France wedding. If you’re not a citizen of France turns out you can’t get legally married there so that’s why they got that part out of the way here, so they can now proceed to be rich and lavish and probably throw a huge France castle wedding after all. Either way, if I had to pick a favorite Jonas couple to ship, it would be these two. I can get down with anyone whose like F it let’s just do something fun. Also because I’m jelly and wish I were in the cool kids group.

jonaswedding

3. Casual Post-Awards Show Surgery.

While Joe and Sophie were getting hitched on Insta Live, Kelly Clarkson was having her appendix removed. Turns out girl had appendicitis all week and still hosted an entire awards show and performed twice. Just her medley at the beginning alone where she was bopping through the crowd and up on stage, HOW DOES ONE DO THAT?! If I may compare this to a personal story of mine, one time in first grade I fell ice skating and fractured my wrist and then didn’t say anything about it, played with my friend as usual and when my mom picked me up that night I sobbed. Ended up in a pink cast (that I 100% saved. I’m disgusting, come at me) and just those 3 or 4 hours of pain were traumatizing. Now imagine singing, dancing and performing for thousands of people all while your insides are bursting. AND NOT EVEN ONCE COMPLAINING ABOUT IT?! God, Kelly Clarkson is a true American hero.

4a. New Tune.

Shout out to my sister for alerting me to this little diddy. As always with Shawn, it’s the perfect pop tune and y’all should feast your ears on it. Full disclosure I didn’t watch the video because I was already late to work today and I felt that it would be frowned upon to then immediately sit down and stare at Shawn Mendes for 3 minutes and 11 seconds but I feel like it’s probably great as well. Mostly because I’m just an all around music video stan. And black and white makes everything classier/more dramats.

4b. Old Tune, New Obsession.

I’ve really embraced Lizzo this week. Mostly because I kept hearing people say they were 100% THAT bitch and I wanted to head straight to the source and see what THAT bitch was all about. It turns out she’s about shaking her LARGE body all over the joint and declaring that she don’t need no man to be happy, booboooooo. AND I AM HERE FOR IT. I LOVE IT. I love the fact that she’s sassy as all hell and just puts out feel good bops. I listened to her Youtube playlist for a day at work and I was ready to kick my chair over, do a quick dance number where I OBVIOUSLY drop it low and snap my fingers before stomping outta here.

I mean damn. I want her confidence. ALL of it. It’s like when Fat Amy rubs her butt confidence all over Becca in Pitch Perfect 2. I’m hoping that the more I twerk to some Lizzo, the more butt confidence will rub off on me. BRING IT, GURL.

(Full disclosure I came home that night and played 2 videos for the boyf and tried to copy all her dance moves and sing along, it was a performance that should’ve been filmed for entertainment value but unfortunately wasn’t and you’ll just have to use your imagination. He was less than enthused. Apparently Lizzo might just be for the ladiezzzzz. #GRLPOWER)

5. Nudies for the Weekend. 

Gentlemen, goodnight. Ladies, good morning. Here’s a v. chiseled nude of Channing Tatum that no guy will ever appreciate, and every lady will. Apparently he “lost a bet” and his girlfriend’s v. personal pic of him all wet and naked just “had to be posted.” Ya ok, Chan. Whatever helps you sleep at night. All I can say is thank you for sharing this with the world.

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/4/17

1. Taylor Swift Has Sex.

As if I wasn’t overwhelmed enough with angsty Tay, she goes right ahead and sneaks out another new song over the long weekend. I actually saw/listened to it on her instagram story and was like oh this is some weird sponsorship song that she wrote for a football game. Since football is literally my least favorite thing on this planet, I wrote it off until I went onto Twitter and everyone was like omggggg Tay’s new song #ORGASM and I felt real dumb for thinking it was just a marketing ploy. Hey Taylor, next time you’re going to release a song about sex and stuff, don’t promote it with Game Day clips and confuse the hell out of me. I mean “Touch me, and you’ll never be alone” WOooooOOOO, girl. We get it. You like sex stuff. Whatever. I’m ready for it. And to be clear, the “it” I’m referring to is playing this song just as much as LWYMMD…not sex.

2. Older Peter is the New Bach.

arie

The Bachelor Franchise is sinking fast and they KNOW it. They just aired quite possibly two of the worst seasons ever in history B2B and used a 100% scripted rape storyline for ratings on their trashy summer show. What do you do when you’re in hot water? Apparently pick a contestant from 15 years ago (Arie Luyendyk Jr.) who no one even remembers to try and get back in everyone’s good graces. Everyone with a vagina wanted Peter to be the next Bachelor but he had to go and piss us all off by looking like he was trying WAY TOO HARD to be the next Bachelor and also kind of being a dick to Rachel post-breakup. So what does Mike Fleiss the shouting Twitter-monster do? (I gotcha back, Kaitlyn. Mike Fleiss SUCKS.)  He throws shade at Peter then picks someone who looks like a Z-List Peter. People don’t forget that you suck, bro. And yes I’ll probably still watch. Because FOMO.

View this post on Instagram

#tbt to the most incredible journey of this life time that has now officially come to an end today. As I sit here writing this, I struggle to hold back the tears as I am overcome with emotion one last time. First and foremost.. Rachel, there are so very many things that I've wished I could say to you since the day we parted ways in Spain, but for everyone's sake, I'll keep it short… You gave me a chance and all that I can say is thank you. I have a heart filled with love for you now and always and wish you nothing but the best in your life and love ahead. ABC, you saw something in me, but something held me back. You treated me with such love and kindness and showed me glimpses of a life I never once dreamed that I could have. I will be forever humbled and grateful and will always look back at these last 6 months with an ear to ear smile, knowing that this has truly been a very special life indeed. Upon leaving the @bacheloretteabc I was asked, "what did you learn about yourself during this process?" And at the time I naively said "nothing that I can think of." Now… looking back… I realize I learned one of the single greatest teachings of my life; When you let uncertainty or fear guide your decisions, you risk missing out on what could potentially be the greatest opportunity of a life time. So live dangerously, live without the fear of the unknown, and continue to live and love with a heart that is truly open to anything. #thankyou #lovealways

A post shared by Peter J Kraus (@peterkrauswi) on

We’ll all miss you Peter.

Screen Shot 2017-09-07 at 9.09.53 PM

3. Kelly Clarkson is Back.

Well this is a fun little ditty! Taylor goes all bad girl and Kelly goes all hip hop sass. This video made me feel like I was on all sorts of drugs but you know what? I didn’t hate it. She also dropped this slow jam. It’s whatever. Love so soft is the real heater here.

4. Third Royal Babe.

This happened over the weekend so it’s not fresh news but I got scooped and then I scooped someone else (it’s the circle of life) and I realized just now that I never got to properly JUice about it. But anyway another model baby on the way for this perfect fam. I mean they’ve already got two PLUS they’re royal so the third one is really just bragging at this point. We get it. You make beautiful humans. Enough, enough…. just kidding. Get ready for number 3 by looking at these cute little mugs.

royalchristmasrs_560x406-150709072353-560.Charlotte-Royal-Christening.jl.070915.

2016 Royal Tour To Canada Of The Duke And Duchess Of Cambridge - Victoria

princesschar

5. It’s Happening.

Promos are making the rounds as we get closer and closer to the comeback of Will & Grace. Instead of watching marathons all day on We (seriously does that network play anything other than a 24/7 rotation of this show?) we’ll get new epis every week! If this comeback lets me down–as they all tend to do–ya’ll are gonna HEAR about it. FINGERS CROSSED!!!!!!

 

BONUS: Who knew Kylie Jenner and I had anything in common?!

Screen Shot 2017-09-08 at 7.11.50 PM

 

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 10/3/16

1. He is redeemed.

Harry probably follows The Salty Ju like nobody’s biz, saw that I was super disappointed in him last week for his hideous pics and he was like I gotchu girl. And he does. Looking past the mani because everything else is so on point. And by that I pretty much mean just his hair, because the silk scarf under his shirt is also a little odd.

2a. Sag city.

spelling

Tori Spelling is preggers again and it’s time to say enough is enough. These babies are basically walking out at this point. Her two youngest children are the same age right now. And they are not twins. We understand that Dean has a sex addiction and she’s trying to satisfy that, but like he should probably then take care of his side of things. It’s only fair. My vagina actually aches thinking about giving birth essentially twice in the same year. Ouch city.

2b. Lock it up.

kclarkson

Which leads me to my next story, Kelly Clarkson knows what’s up. After her second baby she was like k, we done here. She’s on a book tour this week or something and told Jenny McCarthy that while she was preggers she told her husband to “get fixed.” Take notes, Tori. Hashtag MiSs InDePenDeNt

3. Boston Strong.

This wasn’t a full trailer and it gave me chills. We all can LoL all we want at Mahky Mahk and his Dorchester upbringing and the fact that he is the epitome of the over the top MAHHH Boston accent. But like, this was definitely a huge deal for him to make this movie and he’s got a lot riding on it because of how much that day affected Boston. As someone who got to see the marathon firsthand last year, it was probably one of the coolest things to experience so many strangers actually being nice to each other so I can’t imagine what this day was like. I look forward to seeing this movie and how they’ll handle it. Fingers crossed Beantown is pleased and doesn’t disown Mahky Mahk or his funky bunch. (I can’t be serious ALL THE TIME.)

4. New jamz.

John Legend gave us some new catchy music about looouuuurrrveee and that little nugget Bruno does what he does best, takes a 70’s pop beat and grooves around to it in a shirt that gave me a headache. Not sold on 24K magic yet, but toss a little alcohol down my gullet and who knows, I might be gliding across the dance floor in my white leather loafers.

5. Kimmy K. Ugh ugh, ugh. I follow the no-Kardashians rule of thumb for my blog because they make enough press for themselves and they don’t need more attention. This was like the #1 story this week though and it is kind of a big deal so here we are. Bottom ranked on my list but also, slow news week. Ya girl Kimmy allegedly got robbed at gunpoint. That’s like pretty much all we know at this point because for once the fam has been tight-lipped about the incident. Kanye left mid-concert when it happened and has cancelled some future dates to be with his wifey. I’m not saying that this didn’t happen, but I’m not not saying it either. Everything about it just seems a little too fishy and America DID just experience Lochte-gate, so it’s very fresh in our minds that stories can be, how do I put this nicely, escalated. I will wait until further details are released but like, proceeding with caution & reasonable doubt.

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/11/16

1. Ryans make babies at the same damn time. Allegedly.

“Sources” and “Reports” say that Ryan Gosling/Eva Mendes & Ryan Reynolds/Blake Lively are both expecting baby numero dos. I’m not going to doubt the notion that hot people have sex all the time, so this seems about right for timing of expanding the families. Unfortunately I can’t really comment on how these babies will look because both couples have selfishly kept their kids private and not even given us one little peep via their instagram or whatever. Rude. Regardless, the two hottest Ryans in the world procreate at the same time and everything is all going to be okay. Fingers crossed for Blake’s bump debut at the Met Gala and prayers that Eva doesn’t wear sweatpants when she’s having a fat day for 9 months. Cause Ryan will dump her. Obviously.

ryan-gosling-hey-girl-8

2.  Baby Boy Clarkson has arrived.

WHEW. So I wasn’t far off in assuming that she was about to drop some fluids all over the American Idol stage during that medley. Just a week later and that baby was OUT. Probably would’ve given Idol a little more clout if she dumped the kid out right on-air but whatever. No pics yet, but his name is Remington Alexander. River and Remington. Doesn’t get more country than that.

3. Move over, Uncle J.

Seriously, John Stamos may be top dog of comebacks and riding high this year (not literally, he is sober.) but he can be taken down with one single selfie. Uncle J, who? The Olsen twins have crawled out of their cave of ciggs to grace the social media world with an ultra cool black sunnies selfie. MK may still look just a touch like the cryptkeeper but Ashley is crushing this. I accept.

4. Megan Fox Should Go On Maury. 

View this post on Instagram

#notthefather

A post shared by Megan Fox (@meganfox) on

Megan is preggers again but also separated from hubs Brian Austin Green so America was like omgggggg who knocked her up?!?!?!? And she responded being like lolz I didn’t sleep with any of my co-stars. OBVIOUSLY Bri is the father, but the fact that Hollywood is a place where having babies with your co-stars is casj city apparently made this news. (This still isn’t really news but I’m stretching to find five blogworthy headlines this week.) Also this gives me a chance to formally complain about her role in New Girl this season. Could that have been a lamer guest star stint? She was like oh I’m so BA and hot and kewl and then falls in love with Nick and peaces out. Nice knowin ya, girl. Oh yeah, spoiler alert. As if New Girl is must-see TV enough to be worthy of a spoiler alert.

5. Here’s a picture of Jimmy Fallon trying out a mustache. (1:57 mark)

I used to watch the Tonight Show consistently and I stopped when I moved to poor people TV without a DVR but this made me want to start watching again…for little nuggets like this. Jimmy trying out the stache. For the record, I think it’s in everyone’s best interest that he never do it again. But also realistically that picture needs to be printed on a mug for the JT mugception joke.

 

Sorry for the subpar JUice, now go into the weekend and think about what we all did to deserve a shitty tour video for New Romantics. Think long and hard about it.

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/4/16

I took two weeks of from JUicin (I realize how disgusting that verb sounds) because Hollywood was really boring me and I didn’t want to in turn, bore you. I’m thoughtful AF, what can I say. Hopefully this week’s updates are worthy. If they’re not, WUTEVER, I tried.

1. Idol is OVER. PSYCH!

Last night was the finale of American Idol and everyone was like wait that’s still on? But apparently it wasn’t really the finale because the creator said this week that it’ll be back and then when Ryan Seacrest had the phoniest “Goodbye America”, he tacked on “for now” at the end. Don’t do this to yourself, Idol. It’s like when 7th Heaven was like whoa 10 seasons is a lot…time to throw in the cap and then came back for an 11th and everyone was like no we’re done with you. Don’t get fanfare about leaving forever and then be like gotcha! We’re back! American Idol is dead. And while we’re at it I’m going to declare The Voice dead. Ooohh sue me. Singing competitions don’t accomplish anything but recently divorced coaches romancing each other and a bunch of people repeatedly being nicknamed after their plight in life. i.e. “Give it up for the once homeless David!” I didn’t expect to rant there but it happened and I’m glad everyone knows how I feel about singing competitions. Now for the good stuff. Kelly Clarkson’s bang piece medley, Carrie’s legs, and Brian Dunkelman getting a paycheck again. Good for you Dunks!

FOX's "American Idol" Finale For The Farewell Season - Show

dunkz

2. Anne Hathaway’s Baby.

anne

One of Hollywood’s most hated (for no reason, really) just popped out her baby and gave us all another reason to knock it off with all that hatefire. Her and hubby named him Jonathan Rosebanks Shulman. Since I often report on the dumbest names in Hollywood I thought it would be nice to commend Anne for this very classic and normal name.

3. The Little Mermaid LIVE. When I first saw that the Hollywood Bowl was doing The Little Mermaid Live I assumed it was a show that would then probably be taped and sold to a network. So when I saw that Sara Bareilles was Ariel I was like cool where the F is her long lucious red locks? And when I saw that Rebel Wilson would play Ursula I genuinely felt bad. I mean it can’t be a great thing to have someone be like, you know what, you would NAIL IT as Ursula.

ursula

Then I used my first grade reading skills to actually find out more about it, (I graduated college, nbd) I realized that they’re just playing the film on silent and doing the voices live. Which is SO MUCH WEIRDER. Who pays to see a movie with new voices? Also, John Stamos will be joining in. Because OF COURSE.

4. Gilmore Girls Gossip. Since everyone wouldn’t let it the F go that Melissa McCarthy wasn’t invited back to play Sookie on the Gilmore Girls reboot–which to be fair was really shitty of them and their classic cover-up of “she’s too busy” didn’t really cut it when Melissa was like yeah they never called–all is right again because Melissa will return to Stars Hollow after all. WHAT A SAVE.

Entertainment Weekly also dropped a little behind the scenes issue this week in which we learn that Rory is an English teacher (duh) and Luke and Lorelai are probs together if this photo of them holding hands is any indication. (Double duh) They didn’t really seem like the type of friends who thought handholding was casj.

roryteacherlukelorelaigilmorerebootGG

5. THA real LIP SYNC BATTLE.

No days of learning choreography, no fancy costumes or cross dressing, let’s get right back to the OG Lip Sync Battle where Jimmy channels his inner Zayn on the floor of the studio and Melissa eats a lot of leaves, rainwater and confetti while becoming one with nature and Pocohantas.

Bachelor Fans Bonus: OP Jr. has arrived.

onion

The woman that once rambled on about onion pomegranates, the Mesa Verde and asked worldly questions like “What are you? It doesn’t matter.” is now a mom. Let that sink in this weekend. Also Brooks is SUCH a TV name. Expect to see him on BIP in 20 years. (Because we all know it’ll never be cancelled.)

 

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 8/17/15

I don’t mean to alarm anyone but I did have a pretty serious incident this week where I was under the knife. I had my tongue sliced and stiched and therefore I’m basically bringing you the JUice this week while handicapped. I’ll take get well wishes in the form of Dunkin gift cards and appreciate you all keeping me in your #thoughtsandprayers.

1. New Fire Flametastic Music. CAN’T DRAG 1D DOWN. They lose a member, get in catty twitter fights and knock a “stylist” up but don’t say 1D goes quietly into the night. This song was released about a month ago when they were trying to convince everyone that all was well but they just dropped the music video where they’re a bunch of astronauts, NBD. Good song and even better flow for ya boy Harry…seriously, lettuce for days.

Screen Shot 2015-08-21 at 12.20.23 PM

Nick Jonas also gifted us with Levels today and it already has the Cin stamp of approval. I was bumping it and noticed that she couldn’t help but bop her head as she was going through the mail. That’s just what Nick does…show his abs and crank out hits for all ages.

2. Bill Hader gets super stoned in Amsterdam with a bunch of famous comedians. You know what’s funny? People getting trashed. You know what’s funnier? Famous people who are paid to be hilarious getting trashed together and telling us about it. Bill does a killer Seth Rogen impression and then Vanessa Bayer shows up at the end sounding like I did when my mom used to pick me up from the bars at 4AM back in the day last weekend.

3. Julianne Hough is engaged while Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox are this week’s celeb trip to D-town. 

julianne Megan-Fox-et-Brian-Austin-Green-lors-de-la-70e-ceremonie-des-Golden-Globes-a-Los-Angeles-le-13-janvier-2013_portrait_w674

We continue our theme of where there is love there is loss. Julianne Hough and her hottie hockey boyf get engaged (no ring pics yet BOOOOOO) and Brian Austin Green/Megan Fox are the next victims of the summer of Divorce. To be completely honest with you, I was more devastated by the news that Donna and David were having trouble in paradise than I was for this divorce of actual humans and not fictional characters. But seriously, 90210 ends with Donna and David finally togets forevs, then they announce a reboot 90210 and tease the dream team coming back for a guest appearance so I dutifully watched a GARBAGE show for an entire season only to see Donna come back SANS David and announce they’re probably getting divorced. I apologize, I just got fired up again merely rehashing it for you. DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES, DONNA AND DAVID FOREVER.

donnadavid

4. BaBaY New$. Jana Kramer got married like five minutes ago and now she’s preggeroni. This week she announced it will be a girl through an incredibly awksies gender reveal insta video.

Kelly Clarkson announced she’s having baby #2 accidentally after a case of the mid-concert sobsies. It’s cute because she wants to assure everyone she isn’t drunk or high she’s just pregnant and that’s why she can’t stop crying onstage. Watch 1:40 if you want to hear the announcement.

5. The She-Pratt had a casual crystal meth addiction at 14. I think I’m more shocked by the fact that anyone still keeps tabs on Stephanie Pratt rather than the fact that she apparently couldn’t get enough of the ice when she was barely a teen. It kind of all makes sense now. It’s the final piece of the missing puzzle. She once had a hamster when she was little but then she got all hopped up on the crank and bingo bango suddenly she has a guinea pig. The GREAT news is that you can read all about her childhood drug addiction in her memoir, because that’s what we were all missing in our lives.

stephguineapig

Bonus: Cookie and Lucious battle it out Lyon style.

PRAISE Taraji doing Mary J Blige and MJB literally playing second fiddle to her onstage. That’s how you lip sync like a boss bitch. Credit where credit is due to Terrence for making the high notes of the greatest babymakin song of all time look real life. Clap it up for laying it all on the line just for round 1. More of this in Empire next season, pls.

Standard