Playlist

Millennial Gurl Pop Anthems

It’s been far too long since I’ve made a random playlist, told you to listen to it and written something relating back to myself about each song. I bet you missed it. Don’t lie. Recently I’ve been diving back into the world of 2000’s she-pop music. It all started with JLo and Shakira rocking the halftime show, then Jessica Simpson was like hey y’all I’ve been an alcoholic for my entire life and I wrote a book about it and I was like welp guess I need to start rotating her hits again and it spiraled into a 7 hour playlist of every girl pop song I grooved to from ages 11-19–basically these ladies raised me and I wanted to reminisce on those times. SO NOW YOU GET TO AS WELL! (Guys too. Don’t even for a second pretend you didn’t have these songs in heavy rotation.) To show just how dedicated I am, I busted out the ole CD’s to get into the song selecting mood and also feel like it’s 2005.

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A timely drop for Valentine’s Day because these ladies either sang about being in love or telling their boo to kick rocks so there’s something in here for everyone on this year’s VDay. ENJOY.

1. With You – Jessica Simpson. This was peak Newlyweds (how I’d like to memorialize each of them forever in my memory) and when Jess really started to lean into being a real dum dum. The song was basically about being yourself in a relationship and the video featured all of the things she was directly razzed about from their reality show. Calling a Platypus “plat-amuh-pus”, chicken or tuna, buffalo wings, her boobs getting in the way when she golfed, how she hated cleaning and was a real dirtbag to live with. It’s everything we love about Jess and what made her relatable and WHY THAT SHOW SHOULD STILL BE AIRING TODAY. Rest in Peace, Nick & Jess, Newlyweds Era.

2. So What – P!nk. Ah, another classic music video that tells the exact opposite story as the one before. Pink even references ya girl Jessica Simp in this song–GrL PoWeR! I’ve always had a soft spot for this song because of the story behind it. Pink was known as the badass B who didn’t fit in with the rest of the pop princesses but she was cool as hell with it and then she was dating Carey Hart who was like Bad Boy personified in his motocross lyfe. But then they broke up and she wrote this song and was like whatevs I’m still famous so we’ll be alright. PLOT TWIST THOUGH, she’s actually a softie and when she went to make this video she reached back out to Carey for the first time since they’d broken up and asked if he would be in the video AND HEARTS FLUTTER EVERYWHERE because him appearing in this video led to their reunion. What a great love story. She yells at him in her music video and he’s like k let’s get back togets and now they’ve been married for 13 years. Since I’ve always been a music video nerd I remember watching a behind the scenes (probably on TRL) where Pink was so nervous to have him onset that she had to get a little buzz on and LOOK AT THEM NOW. Also, goes without saying this song bangs.

3. No One – Alicia Keys. Taking it doooooown a notch with the soulful Alicia Keys. Nowadays you can find Alicia using her calm zen voice and piano playin talents to host the Grammy’s but honestly nothing has really changed about her. She wails on the keys and makes you want to close your eyes, bop your head and try to hit the highest of notes. Which obviously, I can. In my car–solo concert style.

4. Behind These Hazel Eyes – Kelly Clarkson. Kelly is queen of the breakup tell-off because that’s basically all she released for her first few albums that I listened to on repeat and just felt so UNDERSTOOD. Justin Guarini must’ve done a real number on her, that curly headed f*ck. This is one of her best numbers to scream sing to and I highly encourage that you do so. HERE I AM ONCE AGAIN just hits harder if you’re screaming at the top of your lungs.

5. If You Had My Love – Jennifer Lopez. Obviously I just did a whole blog dedicated to JLo’s hits and what I wanted her to perform at the super bowl–she performed 4 of those songs so shout out to JLo for reading my blog and being a woman of the people. Regardless, I’m not going to yap about the same songs here because that would just be redundant for my avid Salty Ju followers. Also, I could’ve picked any Jenny song and it would be a homerun. This particular tune is Jenny telling her mans how it’s gotta be because she’s not about to date a sleazeball. Ironically, the video (yes I’m going to reference basically every music video because this was the music video era and they all delivered the drama) is just a creepy guy sitting on his couch watching JLo dance around her house on his computer, watchmewatchu style. Yoikes not a turn I was expecting the song to make when she’s telling you to not mess this up, installing cameras in her house and peeping on her from afar is probably the quickest way to do that, sir.

6. Everything – FeFe Dobson. My homie FeFe wasn’t necessarily a heavy-hitter in the pop world like your Britney’s and your Mandy’s, but she holds a special place in my heart for when I was going through my punk pop phase and therefore I felt the need to give her a shout even though she pretty much disappeared after one album. If you look her up now, she’s apparently still making music but her instagram scared me, honestly and she’s married to a guy whose aesthetic is tattooed alternative cowboy rapper, so I’m out on that. Let’s just focus on the time period when she turned “do do dooooo” into actual lyrics.

7. Cry – Mandy Moore. I guess Mandy Moore does her best work when soundtracking a movie because I was deciding between Center Stage Mandy or A Walk to Remember Mandy for her feature on this playlist. Both wildly different stories and wouldn’t you know I went with the depressing one. Tearjerker classic A Walk to Remember was on TV a few weeks ago and I find myself equal parts ashamed and proud to admit that I could still recite the dialogue out loud word for word. Mostly because there will never be a more cringeworthy exchange than having a guy say I’m going to kiss you and replying “I might be bad at it.” Oh Jamie, you kiss virgin nerd bomber. Thank you for making me feel better as I laugh at you on my couch very much unemployed watching a 17 year old movie in the middle of a weekday. Either way, when Landon stares out at the water in the end SPOILER ALERT and says our love is like the wind, I can’t see it but I can feel it and you hear Mandy begin “I’ll always remember”, that’s a surefire way to have a single tear roll down your cheek. Thank you, Mandy.

8. Whenever, Wherever – Shakira. Even though I boo’ed the TV when Shakira came on first at the super bowl halftime show and I shouted DID JLO CALL IN SICK?! I still love Shakira. I just love JLo more and wanted a full JLo-Bowl with no interruptions. And I think that’s ok. I love Shakira but not like half-time show sort of love. I can still appreciate dem hips and self awareness for small boobs. Shaki paved the way for body confidence noting that it was lucky her breasts are small so they’re not confused with mountains. And you know what, same gurl. I’d never want someone to think my rack is the Alps cause that would be weird as hell.

9. Complicated – Avril Lavigne. You’ll notice that I’ve sprinkled in a few punk pop galz because at the end of the day, no matter how badass they tried to seem, anyone who tried to call themselves punk in the 2000’s were really just popstars who wore more eyeliner. Avril gave us the gift of incorporating a sassy uh-huh into a song and for that we should forever be grateful. But seriously, why ya gotta make things so complicated? Just chill the hell out. AND TELLLLLLLLL MEEEEEEEEE.

10. Hollaback Girl – Gwen Stefani. Ah, this brings me back to my 8th grade school trip to Cleveland (because Cleveland counts as a vacation destination when you grow up in Syracuse) and all my rich friends who had their first iPods bumped this beat on the 6 hour bus ride so we could all flirt by sharing earbuds and spelling bananas. CLASSIC. Also the DJ at Turning Stone popped this off a couple of weekends ago and several adults lost their shit so it’s a timeless jam that I can confirm we ladies still stomp our feet like this to. CAUSE WE AIN’T NO HUSSY HOLLABACK GUUUUUUUUURLZ. (Also lolz to the time period when Gwen only hung out with a Japanese posse called her Harajuku girls. What a time to be alive.)

11. Irreplaceable – Beyoncé. I could’ve included a Bey club beat here, but my heart told me to slow it down and sass it up with this one. This was Thank U, Next before Ariana was just a twinkle in her dirtbag father’s eye. With just one dubz finger pointing movement, Queen B told her man to take everything he own in a box to the left and get the hell out of her house. Before there was Becky with the good hair or BOY BYE, there was TO THE LEFT, TO THE LEFT and I think that’s an important lesson to remember. No matter what age Beyoncé is, she’ll always remind you that she’s a strong goddess and you ain’t shit without her.

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12. Boyfriend – Ashlee Simpson. We couldn’t shout out Jess without Ash, otherwise Ash would get all emo again and be like I’M LIVIN IN THE SHADOW, OF SOMEONE ELSE’S DREAM. Wah, wah, wah. This bop is less I’m jelly of my sister for being more famous, and more shut your face because I didn’t steal your boyf and isn’t that just so much more fun?! Makes ya wanna hop around and shake ya boyfriend-less booty.

13. Beautiful – Christina Aguilera. I’ve been having a real soft spot for the lady slow jamz on this mix. Sometimes you just wanna belt out and be in your feels and nothing puts you in your feels more than whispering “don’t look at me” before singing about how beautiful you are, probably in the mirror after a few hundred glasses of wine. Judge me, I don’t care. WORDS CAN’T BRING ME DOWN.

14. Come Clean – Hilary Duff. I can’t have an anthem playlist without the anthem for rich high school idiots who live near a beach. Just kidding, disassociate this song from Laguna because it’s a heater all on its own and has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with 16 year olds who spring break in Cabo. There’s no nostalgia quite like hearing the beginning weird whistle sounds of this song and knowing that you’re about to let that rain fall down.

15. Lucky – Britney Spears. Brit has had an entire career pre and post shaved head breakdown of smash hits and yet none of them are on the same playing field as Lucky. Lucky is the one song that unites us all. It’s so incredibly stupid and yet it’s the best storytelling song out there, complete with actual knocks on the door. If you don’t act this song out start to finish–beginning with a dramatic AF “this is the story about a girl named Lucky” then I don’t even want to know you as a person.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of  4/29/2019

1. Third Time’s A Surprise. 

Oh ho hum, Blake apparently hasn’t been photographed lately because here she is at Ry Ry’s premiere FULLY pregnant. I don’t understand how celebrities can do this, especially a giant one like Blake Lively married to another giant celebrity. You have paparazzi living inside of your butthole and you hid a pregnancy for several months?! If Jennifer Aniston eats a bowl of soup they zoom in on her stomach and say she’s expecting. Was Blake a shut-in? I must know every single detail. Also let’s not gloss over how amahzing she looks for the casual announcement. Rockin the big hair curls and they’re not even frizzy like mine are every. single. day. Spring has sprung and another beautiful child is on the way. SORPRESA!

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2. Elvis Marries A Jonas.

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I guess it’s just the week of surprises because Sophie Turner and Joe Jonas got SURPRISE married after the BBMA’s on Wednesday and as much as I razz on the JoBros, I dig this move. It’s so cool it hurts. Oh hey, we just performed at an awards show and our ladies got mad camera time, let’s all just roll over to the Elvis chapel down the strip with a select group of kewl kids and get married. Diplo instagram live’d the whole ceremony, they exchanged ring pops, Dan + Shay sang an acoustic version of Speechless as Sophie walked down the aisle. I mean come on. The only thing that would’ve made it cooler was if Taylor Swift was there but for obvious reasons (Joe dumped Taylor via text in like 2008) it was best that she wasn’t in attendance. Since Sophie’s cultivated such a cool girl persona I’m surprised she didn’t take a knee and chug wine at the end of the aisle but I guess they wanted to keep it classy. I would go on a tangent about how hilarious it is that Nick and Priyanka had a 10 year long castle wedding that was beyond extravagant and these two bozos just casually got married by Elvis and had their pics taken with a pink car in the chapel BUT turns out they only got married so that they can proceed with their originally planned France wedding. If you’re not a citizen of France turns out you can’t get legally married there so that’s why they got that part out of the way here, so they can now proceed to be rich and lavish and probably throw a huge France castle wedding after all. Either way, if I had to pick a favorite Jonas couple to ship, it would be these two. I can get down with anyone whose like F it let’s just do something fun. Also because I’m jelly and wish I were in the cool kids group.

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3. Casual Post-Awards Show Surgery.

While Joe and Sophie were getting hitched on Insta Live, Kelly Clarkson was having her appendix removed. Turns out girl had appendicitis all week and still hosted an entire awards show and performed twice. Just her medley at the beginning alone where she was bopping through the crowd and up on stage, HOW DOES ONE DO THAT?! If I may compare this to a personal story of mine, one time in first grade I fell ice skating and fractured my wrist and then didn’t say anything about it, played with my friend as usual and when my mom picked me up that night I sobbed. Ended up in a pink cast (that I 100% saved. I’m disgusting, come at me) and just those 3 or 4 hours of pain were traumatizing. Now imagine singing, dancing and performing for thousands of people all while your insides are bursting. AND NOT EVEN ONCE COMPLAINING ABOUT IT?! God, Kelly Clarkson is a true American hero.

4a. New Tune.

Shout out to my sister for alerting me to this little diddy. As always with Shawn, it’s the perfect pop tune and y’all should feast your ears on it. Full disclosure I didn’t watch the video because I was already late to work today and I felt that it would be frowned upon to then immediately sit down and stare at Shawn Mendes for 3 minutes and 11 seconds but I feel like it’s probably great as well. Mostly because I’m just an all around music video stan. And black and white makes everything classier/more dramats.

4b. Old Tune, New Obsession.

I’ve really embraced Lizzo this week. Mostly because I kept hearing people say they were 100% THAT bitch and I wanted to head straight to the source and see what THAT bitch was all about. It turns out she’s about shaking her LARGE body all over the joint and declaring that she don’t need no man to be happy, booboooooo. AND I AM HERE FOR IT. I LOVE IT. I love the fact that she’s sassy as all hell and just puts out feel good bops. I listened to her Youtube playlist for a day at work and I was ready to kick my chair over, do a quick dance number where I OBVIOUSLY drop it low and snap my fingers before stomping outta here.

I mean damn. I want her confidence. ALL of it. It’s like when Fat Amy rubs her butt confidence all over Becca in Pitch Perfect 2. I’m hoping that the more I twerk to some Lizzo, the more butt confidence will rub off on me. BRING IT, GURL.

(Full disclosure I came home that night and played 2 videos for the boyf and tried to copy all her dance moves and sing along, it was a performance that should’ve been filmed for entertainment value but unfortunately wasn’t and you’ll just have to use your imagination. He was less than enthused. Apparently Lizzo might just be for the ladiezzzzz. #GRLPOWER)

5. Nudies for the Weekend. 

Gentlemen, goodnight. Ladies, good morning. Here’s a v. chiseled nude of Channing Tatum that no guy will ever appreciate, and every lady will. Apparently he “lost a bet” and his girlfriend’s v. personal pic of him all wet and naked just “had to be posted.” Ya ok, Chan. Whatever helps you sleep at night. All I can say is thank you for sharing this with the world.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/4/17

1. Taylor Swift Has Sex.

As if I wasn’t overwhelmed enough with angsty Tay, she goes right ahead and sneaks out another new song over the long weekend. I actually saw/listened to it on her instagram story and was like oh this is some weird sponsorship song that she wrote for a football game. Since football is literally my least favorite thing on this planet, I wrote it off until I went onto Twitter and everyone was like omggggg Tay’s new song #ORGASM and I felt real dumb for thinking it was just a marketing ploy. Hey Taylor, next time you’re going to release a song about sex and stuff, don’t promote it with Game Day clips and confuse the hell out of me. I mean “Touch me, and you’ll never be alone” WOooooOOOO, girl. We get it. You like sex stuff. Whatever. I’m ready for it. And to be clear, the “it” I’m referring to is playing this song just as much as LWYMMD…not sex.

2. Older Peter is the New Bach.

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The Bachelor Franchise is sinking fast and they KNOW it. They just aired quite possibly two of the worst seasons ever in history B2B and used a 100% scripted rape storyline for ratings on their trashy summer show. What do you do when you’re in hot water? Apparently pick a contestant from 15 years ago (Arie Luyendyk Jr.) who no one even remembers to try and get back in everyone’s good graces. Everyone with a vagina wanted Peter to be the next Bachelor but he had to go and piss us all off by looking like he was trying WAY TOO HARD to be the next Bachelor and also kind of being a dick to Rachel post-breakup. So what does Mike Fleiss the shouting Twitter-monster do? (I gotcha back, Kaitlyn. Mike Fleiss SUCKS.)  He throws shade at Peter then picks someone who looks like a Z-List Peter. People don’t forget that you suck, bro. And yes I’ll probably still watch. Because FOMO.

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#tbt to the most incredible journey of this life time that has now officially come to an end today. As I sit here writing this, I struggle to hold back the tears as I am overcome with emotion one last time. First and foremost.. Rachel, there are so very many things that I've wished I could say to you since the day we parted ways in Spain, but for everyone's sake, I'll keep it short… You gave me a chance and all that I can say is thank you. I have a heart filled with love for you now and always and wish you nothing but the best in your life and love ahead. ABC, you saw something in me, but something held me back. You treated me with such love and kindness and showed me glimpses of a life I never once dreamed that I could have. I will be forever humbled and grateful and will always look back at these last 6 months with an ear to ear smile, knowing that this has truly been a very special life indeed. Upon leaving the @bacheloretteabc I was asked, "what did you learn about yourself during this process?" And at the time I naively said "nothing that I can think of." Now… looking back… I realize I learned one of the single greatest teachings of my life; When you let uncertainty or fear guide your decisions, you risk missing out on what could potentially be the greatest opportunity of a life time. So live dangerously, live without the fear of the unknown, and continue to live and love with a heart that is truly open to anything. #thankyou #lovealways

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We’ll all miss you Peter.

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3. Kelly Clarkson is Back.

Well this is a fun little ditty! Taylor goes all bad girl and Kelly goes all hip hop sass. This video made me feel like I was on all sorts of drugs but you know what? I didn’t hate it. She also dropped this slow jam. It’s whatever. Love so soft is the real heater here.

4. Third Royal Babe.

This happened over the weekend so it’s not fresh news but I got scooped and then I scooped someone else (it’s the circle of life) and I realized just now that I never got to properly JUice about it. But anyway another model baby on the way for this perfect fam. I mean they’ve already got two PLUS they’re royal so the third one is really just bragging at this point. We get it. You make beautiful humans. Enough, enough…. just kidding. Get ready for number 3 by looking at these cute little mugs.

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2016 Royal Tour To Canada Of The Duke And Duchess Of Cambridge - Victoria

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5. It’s Happening.

Promos are making the rounds as we get closer and closer to the comeback of Will & Grace. Instead of watching marathons all day on We (seriously does that network play anything other than a 24/7 rotation of this show?) we’ll get new epis every week! If this comeback lets me down–as they all tend to do–ya’ll are gonna HEAR about it. FINGERS CROSSED!!!!!!

 

BONUS: Who knew Kylie Jenner and I had anything in common?!

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 10/3/16

1. He is redeemed.

Harry probably follows The Salty Ju like nobody’s biz, saw that I was super disappointed in him last week for his hideous pics and he was like I gotchu girl. And he does. Looking past the mani because everything else is so on point. And by that I pretty much mean just his hair, because the silk scarf under his shirt is also a little odd.

2a. Sag city.

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Tori Spelling is preggers again and it’s time to say enough is enough. These babies are basically walking out at this point. Her two youngest children are the same age right now. And they are not twins. We understand that Dean has a sex addiction and she’s trying to satisfy that, but like he should probably then take care of his side of things. It’s only fair. My vagina actually aches thinking about giving birth essentially twice in the same year. Ouch city.

2b. Lock it up.

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Which leads me to my next story, Kelly Clarkson knows what’s up. After her second baby she was like k, we done here. She’s on a book tour this week or something and told Jenny McCarthy that while she was preggers she told her husband to “get fixed.” Take notes, Tori. Hashtag MiSs InDePenDeNt

3. Boston Strong.

This wasn’t a full trailer and it gave me chills. We all can LoL all we want at Mahky Mahk and his Dorchester upbringing and the fact that he is the epitome of the over the top MAHHH Boston accent. But like, this was definitely a huge deal for him to make this movie and he’s got a lot riding on it because of how much that day affected Boston. As someone who got to see the marathon firsthand last year, it was probably one of the coolest things to experience so many strangers actually being nice to each other so I can’t imagine what this day was like. I look forward to seeing this movie and how they’ll handle it. Fingers crossed Beantown is pleased and doesn’t disown Mahky Mahk or his funky bunch. (I can’t be serious ALL THE TIME.)

4. New jamz.

John Legend gave us some new catchy music about looouuuurrrveee and that little nugget Bruno does what he does best, takes a 70’s pop beat and grooves around to it in a shirt that gave me a headache. Not sold on 24K magic yet, but toss a little alcohol down my gullet and who knows, I might be gliding across the dance floor in my white leather loafers.

5. Kimmy K. Ugh ugh, ugh. I follow the no-Kardashians rule of thumb for my blog because they make enough press for themselves and they don’t need more attention. This was like the #1 story this week though and it is kind of a big deal so here we are. Bottom ranked on my list but also, slow news week. Ya girl Kimmy allegedly got robbed at gunpoint. That’s like pretty much all we know at this point because for once the fam has been tight-lipped about the incident. Kanye left mid-concert when it happened and has cancelled some future dates to be with his wifey. I’m not saying that this didn’t happen, but I’m not not saying it either. Everything about it just seems a little too fishy and America DID just experience Lochte-gate, so it’s very fresh in our minds that stories can be, how do I put this nicely, escalated. I will wait until further details are released but like, proceeding with caution & reasonable doubt.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/11/16

1. Ryans make babies at the same damn time. Allegedly.

“Sources” and “Reports” say that Ryan Gosling/Eva Mendes & Ryan Reynolds/Blake Lively are both expecting baby numero dos. I’m not going to doubt the notion that hot people have sex all the time, so this seems about right for timing of expanding the families. Unfortunately I can’t really comment on how these babies will look because both couples have selfishly kept their kids private and not even given us one little peep via their instagram or whatever. Rude. Regardless, the two hottest Ryans in the world procreate at the same time and everything is all going to be okay. Fingers crossed for Blake’s bump debut at the Met Gala and prayers that Eva doesn’t wear sweatpants when she’s having a fat day for 9 months. Cause Ryan will dump her. Obviously.

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2.  Baby Boy Clarkson has arrived.

WHEW. So I wasn’t far off in assuming that she was about to drop some fluids all over the American Idol stage during that medley. Just a week later and that baby was OUT. Probably would’ve given Idol a little more clout if she dumped the kid out right on-air but whatever. No pics yet, but his name is Remington Alexander. River and Remington. Doesn’t get more country than that.

3. Move over, Uncle J.

Seriously, John Stamos may be top dog of comebacks and riding high this year (not literally, he is sober.) but he can be taken down with one single selfie. Uncle J, who? The Olsen twins have crawled out of their cave of ciggs to grace the social media world with an ultra cool black sunnies selfie. MK may still look just a touch like the cryptkeeper but Ashley is crushing this. I accept.

4. Megan Fox Should Go On Maury. 

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#notthefather

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Megan is preggers again but also separated from hubs Brian Austin Green so America was like omgggggg who knocked her up?!?!?!? And she responded being like lolz I didn’t sleep with any of my co-stars. OBVIOUSLY Bri is the father, but the fact that Hollywood is a place where having babies with your co-stars is casj city apparently made this news. (This still isn’t really news but I’m stretching to find five blogworthy headlines this week.) Also this gives me a chance to formally complain about her role in New Girl this season. Could that have been a lamer guest star stint? She was like oh I’m so BA and hot and kewl and then falls in love with Nick and peaces out. Nice knowin ya, girl. Oh yeah, spoiler alert. As if New Girl is must-see TV enough to be worthy of a spoiler alert.

5. Here’s a picture of Jimmy Fallon trying out a mustache. (1:57 mark)

I used to watch the Tonight Show consistently and I stopped when I moved to poor people TV without a DVR but this made me want to start watching again…for little nuggets like this. Jimmy trying out the stache. For the record, I think it’s in everyone’s best interest that he never do it again. But also realistically that picture needs to be printed on a mug for the JT mugception joke.

 

Sorry for the subpar JUice, now go into the weekend and think about what we all did to deserve a shitty tour video for New Romantics. Think long and hard about it.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/4/16

I took two weeks of from JUicin (I realize how disgusting that verb sounds) because Hollywood was really boring me and I didn’t want to in turn, bore you. I’m thoughtful AF, what can I say. Hopefully this week’s updates are worthy. If they’re not, WUTEVER, I tried.

1. Idol is OVER. PSYCH!

Last night was the finale of American Idol and everyone was like wait that’s still on? But apparently it wasn’t really the finale because the creator said this week that it’ll be back and then when Ryan Seacrest had the phoniest “Goodbye America”, he tacked on “for now” at the end. Don’t do this to yourself, Idol. It’s like when 7th Heaven was like whoa 10 seasons is a lot…time to throw in the cap and then came back for an 11th and everyone was like no we’re done with you. Don’t get fanfare about leaving forever and then be like gotcha! We’re back! American Idol is dead. And while we’re at it I’m going to declare The Voice dead. Ooohh sue me. Singing competitions don’t accomplish anything but recently divorced coaches romancing each other and a bunch of people repeatedly being nicknamed after their plight in life. i.e. “Give it up for the once homeless David!” I didn’t expect to rant there but it happened and I’m glad everyone knows how I feel about singing competitions. Now for the good stuff. Kelly Clarkson’s bang piece medley, Carrie’s legs, and Brian Dunkelman getting a paycheck again. Good for you Dunks!

FOX's "American Idol" Finale For The Farewell Season - Show

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2. Anne Hathaway’s Baby.

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One of Hollywood’s most hated (for no reason, really) just popped out her baby and gave us all another reason to knock it off with all that hatefire. Her and hubby named him Jonathan Rosebanks Shulman. Since I often report on the dumbest names in Hollywood I thought it would be nice to commend Anne for this very classic and normal name.

3. The Little Mermaid LIVE. When I first saw that the Hollywood Bowl was doing The Little Mermaid Live I assumed it was a show that would then probably be taped and sold to a network. So when I saw that Sara Bareilles was Ariel I was like cool where the F is her long lucious red locks? And when I saw that Rebel Wilson would play Ursula I genuinely felt bad. I mean it can’t be a great thing to have someone be like, you know what, you would NAIL IT as Ursula.

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Then I used my first grade reading skills to actually find out more about it, (I graduated college, nbd) I realized that they’re just playing the film on silent and doing the voices live. Which is SO MUCH WEIRDER. Who pays to see a movie with new voices? Also, John Stamos will be joining in. Because OF COURSE.

4. Gilmore Girls Gossip. Since everyone wouldn’t let it the F go that Melissa McCarthy wasn’t invited back to play Sookie on the Gilmore Girls reboot–which to be fair was really shitty of them and their classic cover-up of “she’s too busy” didn’t really cut it when Melissa was like yeah they never called–all is right again because Melissa will return to Stars Hollow after all. WHAT A SAVE.

Entertainment Weekly also dropped a little behind the scenes issue this week in which we learn that Rory is an English teacher (duh) and Luke and Lorelai are probs together if this photo of them holding hands is any indication. (Double duh) They didn’t really seem like the type of friends who thought handholding was casj.

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5. THA real LIP SYNC BATTLE.

No days of learning choreography, no fancy costumes or cross dressing, let’s get right back to the OG Lip Sync Battle where Jimmy channels his inner Zayn on the floor of the studio and Melissa eats a lot of leaves, rainwater and confetti while becoming one with nature and Pocohantas.

Bachelor Fans Bonus: OP Jr. has arrived.

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The woman that once rambled on about onion pomegranates, the Mesa Verde and asked worldly questions like “What are you? It doesn’t matter.” is now a mom. Let that sink in this weekend. Also Brooks is SUCH a TV name. Expect to see him on BIP in 20 years. (Because we all know it’ll never be cancelled.)

 

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 8/17/15

I don’t mean to alarm anyone but I did have a pretty serious incident this week where I was under the knife. I had my tongue sliced and stiched and therefore I’m basically bringing you the JUice this week while handicapped. I’ll take get well wishes in the form of Dunkin gift cards and appreciate you all keeping me in your #thoughtsandprayers.

1. New Fire Flametastic Music. CAN’T DRAG 1D DOWN. They lose a member, get in catty twitter fights and knock a “stylist” up but don’t say 1D goes quietly into the night. This song was released about a month ago when they were trying to convince everyone that all was well but they just dropped the music video where they’re a bunch of astronauts, NBD. Good song and even better flow for ya boy Harry…seriously, lettuce for days.

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Nick Jonas also gifted us with Levels today and it already has the Cin stamp of approval. I was bumping it and noticed that she couldn’t help but bop her head as she was going through the mail. That’s just what Nick does…show his abs and crank out hits for all ages.

2. Bill Hader gets super stoned in Amsterdam with a bunch of famous comedians. You know what’s funny? People getting trashed. You know what’s funnier? Famous people who are paid to be hilarious getting trashed together and telling us about it. Bill does a killer Seth Rogen impression and then Vanessa Bayer shows up at the end sounding like I did when my mom used to pick me up from the bars at 4AM back in the day last weekend.

3. Julianne Hough is engaged while Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox are this week’s celeb trip to D-town. 

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We continue our theme of where there is love there is loss. Julianne Hough and her hottie hockey boyf get engaged (no ring pics yet BOOOOOO) and Brian Austin Green/Megan Fox are the next victims of the summer of Divorce. To be completely honest with you, I was more devastated by the news that Donna and David were having trouble in paradise than I was for this divorce of actual humans and not fictional characters. But seriously, 90210 ends with Donna and David finally togets forevs, then they announce a reboot 90210 and tease the dream team coming back for a guest appearance so I dutifully watched a GARBAGE show for an entire season only to see Donna come back SANS David and announce they’re probably getting divorced. I apologize, I just got fired up again merely rehashing it for you. DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES, DONNA AND DAVID FOREVER.

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4. BaBaY New$. Jana Kramer got married like five minutes ago and now she’s preggeroni. This week she announced it will be a girl through an incredibly awksies gender reveal insta video.

Kelly Clarkson announced she’s having baby #2 accidentally after a case of the mid-concert sobsies. It’s cute because she wants to assure everyone she isn’t drunk or high she’s just pregnant and that’s why she can’t stop crying onstage. Watch 1:40 if you want to hear the announcement.

5. The She-Pratt had a casual crystal meth addiction at 14. I think I’m more shocked by the fact that anyone still keeps tabs on Stephanie Pratt rather than the fact that she apparently couldn’t get enough of the ice when she was barely a teen. It kind of all makes sense now. It’s the final piece of the missing puzzle. She once had a hamster when she was little but then she got all hopped up on the crank and bingo bango suddenly she has a guinea pig. The GREAT news is that you can read all about her childhood drug addiction in her memoir, because that’s what we were all missing in our lives.

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Bonus: Cookie and Lucious battle it out Lyon style.

PRAISE Taraji doing Mary J Blige and MJB literally playing second fiddle to her onstage. That’s how you lip sync like a boss bitch. Credit where credit is due to Terrence for making the high notes of the greatest babymakin song of all time look real life. Clap it up for laying it all on the line just for round 1. More of this in Empire next season, pls.

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