Tag Archives: Britney Spears

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/7/2021

1. Olivia is a total H-Dubb.*

* Important to note that for a short period of time in high school, whenever we heard of some teenage hussy breaking up an already probably short-lived couple, we called that hussy an H-Dubb which was shorthand for homewrecker. Natch, there were no homes being wrecked when teens went to Friday night football games together and maybe smooched a few times…but that insult really slapped and I miss the days when we could just casually romp around free period calling bitches H-Dubbs.

Anyway, as soon as this juicy piece of salacious goss hit the internet streets, I knew I had to bring the JUice back from the dead so I could talk mad shit on John Mulaney trying to convince the whole world that he didn’t cheat on his wife and that Olivia Munn isn’t H-Dubb City. Literally the SECOND he bounced outta rehab it was swirling that these two were dating and I rolled my eyes out of my cranium. You know what typically doesn’t signify ever-lasting love? When you hop from a marriage to a new relationship. THEN ADD FRESH OUT OF REHAB ON TOP OF THAT. Boy oh boy all of this is dumb. But whatevs. They were keeping it mostly under the radar. Until this week, when John made the most calculated move of all time to announce their baby on Seth Meyers by literally giving us all a dummy timeline. THAT SCREAMS I’M A GUILTY, HO. Hey everyone, it’s been a minute since I’ve seen you so let me give you a month by month blow (no pun intended) of my last year so that I can clear my name and then toss a baby on at the end. LOLOLOL OK, John. We ain’t that stupid. As you might expect, this timeline has already been thrown directly in the trash as people are coming out of the woodwork to say he didn’t file for divorce until spring when he was already dating Olivia and while he was relapsin hoard he was also banging strange. Not quite the scripted and premeditated squeaky clean image he’s trying to paint here with the help of his buddy Seth. Now onto the equally as guilty party, Olivia. In an interview in 2015 she talked about meeting John and his then-fiance at a wedding and being obsessed with him and following him around all night then emailing him afterward. 2015, folks. What a thirsty bitcc. Girl has pretty much always had a boneski for John. But yeah, they just met recently at church.

And like I said, whatevz, do your thang, booboo. Except that now you’re dragging a kid into the mix and also pretending this has been a wholesome union from the start. Just go full Angelina and Brad and own your bad selves. And on top of it AWL, John Mulaney has been vocal as hell about never wanting kids. CRINGE MY FACE OFF. All of his standup routines about never wanting kids are creeping out of the woodwork and oh baby is this a disaster. Probably should’ve just pulled a Kylie Jenner (part 1) and popped that baby out in secret rather than make a big announcement hoopla about it so everyone is inserting themselves into your messy sitch. BTW, Kylie Jenner (part 2) and Jennifer Lawrence also announced pregnancies this week but their announcements weren’t clouded with a scandal so they slipped right under the radar. I mean, Kylie got knocked up by her ex-boyfriend but that’s the norm in the Kardashian/Jenner world…let your man do whoever just make sure all your kids have the same daddy. And Jennifer Lawrence got married first and pregnant a couple of years later…YAWN. But CONGRATS TO ALL! A baby is a gift from God unless it’s brought into this world on a throne of lies, of course. JUS SAYIN.

2. Steve Made Millennials Cry.

From 1995 until 2002, our green-striped homie Steve and his dog Blue were solving all of the clues with their handy dandy notebook and their big ole thinking chair over on Nick Jr. Back when Nick Jr. had “face” and was the BEST reward for staying home from school sick on the couch. You know, the good ole days. And then we all grew up and started watching a little less of blue cartoon dogs and overanimated adults and a little more true crime. And I don’t really think one single person gave it a second thought. That was until Steve rolled back through with this viral video for the 25th anniversary of Blues Clues. And all of the millennials lost their SHIT. Steve said I look good! Steve said I helped him! STEVE LOVES ME. Hats off to Nick Jr. for crushing the marketing game for their anniv because not only did this shit blow up but it also created a buttload of memes for everyone to use. And the best part? I didn’t even know Steve “went to college.” I didn’t even know he left the show at all until my little whippersnapper niece started getting into the Nick Jr. game and I was like who the hell is this jabroni hanging out with Blue? BECAUSE WHEN YOU GROW UP YOU STOP WATCHING KIDS SHOWS. Weird, right?! So Steve went to college. And then came back to tell us all about it. And I think what’s even more shocking is that there was a WHOLE OTHER PERSON in between Steve and Josh. Steve had a brother named Joe, WHO KNEW?! Seriously I learned so much from this 25 year campaign, I feel like they’re sneaky trying to make these three into the next comedy trio.

What I didn’t need refreshing on, is the Mail song. That shit has slapped the hardest since day 1 and if I’m 30 years old still singing the mail song to my niece word for word you KNOW that was a bop. Mailtime, Mailtime, MAAIILLLTIIIIIME. Here’s the mail it never fails it makes me wanna wag my tail when it comes I wanna wail MAAAAAAIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLL. Nailed it. (Seaweed arms not included)

3. Shiver.

Ed’s back, baby! Between John Mayer dropping an album this summer, Ed’s is coming in October and then we get the Taylor Swift 10 minute All Too Well in November…I’m in a musical sweet spot right now. The only thing that would put me right over the edge is a JT album on top of it all. Come out, come out wherever you are! I know all you famous musicians weren’t touring for the past two years, so GIVE US THE GOODS. Anyway sorry that my “Ed has more new music” excitement turned into threatening Justin Timberlake. It happens to the best of us. Remember a couple of months ago when Ed dropped Bad Habits with that terrifying vampire video? And I was like WHAT HAPPENED TO ED? Yeh, I still kinda feel that way with this song. I mean these are fun little ditties he’s giving us, but this is a little bit of a shock. He’s going for a real jarring visual vibe here and Ed is just a casj guy stomping all over that loop pedal. Did I enjoy seeing his attempts at dancing in this video? Yes, obviously. But would I prefer to have something with a little more substance? 1 Trillion Percent. Hoping that when the full album drops we’ll get a taste of some deeper cuts.

4. Nashville’s a Small Town.

Obviously you already know that celeb drama makes me salivate because otherwise why the hell would I maintain a blog for almost 7 years now based on the dramz. What you don’t know is that the thirst for goss runs in the family. After doing a deep dive on Facebook to find out the personal details of a high school teacher’s life I texted my sister for tips on how to find out some intel because I’d scrolled almost 8 years back and wasn’t seeing anything. She told me what my next move should be and lo and behold, I found what I was looking for. As I looked back in horror at an afternoon filled with trying to find out intimate deets on a stranger’s life through social media, I asked my sister, “Why are we the nosiest people on this earth?” And she promptly replied, “It’s in our blood.” So it’s fine, everyone. It’s like a disease. You wouldn’t look down on someone with Lupus so why are you JUDGING US BECAUSE WE NEED TO KNOW EVERY SINGLE THING ABOUT YOUR LIFE?! Since my twinny twin is just as much of a shitstirrer as I am, it’s important that you know that she broke the news on this Nashville Love Triangle. I’ll let her break it down for you in shorthand:

First important note to make, we’re on a first name basis with this crew. Jana and Kristin are D-list celebrities and Jay is a retired athlete and yet we’re referring to them as if they’re the cream of the crop for fame. Second of all, we knew right from the jump that this was not an amicable divorce and no matter how hard Jay and Kristin try to make it seem like they’re a united front and there’s no issues between the two of them, it KILLS Kristin to see Jay dabble with ANYONE and his specialty seems to be women who run in the same circles as his ex-wife. Coincidence? I think not. Meanwhile, Kristin can smooch whoever she wants. Cliff, Bony Bob, Little Mo with the gimpy leg. No backlash at Kristin. Only Jay. GET OUTTA HERE WITH THAT. I’m Team Jay through and through. There’s only one guy who can nail that dry sarcastic delivery and captivate me for days with an Instagram-story hunt of a chicken killer on the loose and that’s Jay Cutler. HOW-EV-ER. I cannot support a union with Jana Kramer. Jana is a slob kebab when it comes to barfing up things that should 1000% be kept private. From doing a podcast with her sex addicted cheating husband and airing their dirty laundry right up until their divorce to giving us a blow by blow of her boob job (which she got to keep her husband…………ahem…..it didn’t work.) Don’t get me wrong, it’s like watching a trainwreck. I just yapped about how my sister and I are nosy nellies. Of course we eat that shit up. But Jay doesn’t need more drama in his life. He needs to stop chasing the dancing on the bar in Cabo girls and find himself a nice out of the spotlight southern belle. No more reality stars, no more teen soap stars. Maybe a nice huntin’ gal who looks good in camo.

GUN

Just kidding, I don’t want to be IN this drama, I just want to observe from afar. Anyway, according to the papz, Jana is claiming her and Kristin aren’t even friends. Kristin has blocked her on social and has been slobbering all over country singer Chase Rice’s nob v. publicly at some of the most popular tourist bars in Nashville. (BE MORE OBVIOUS) And Jay is like yeah…we went on one date… BUT THEN, gr8 timing, as I was typing this the saga continued to unfold as I received this alert from my sister:

Shocking to no one, my brother in law is not entertained by our rabid need to pretend we are a part of these peoples’ lives. After the tip from my assistant reporter, I immediately scurried over to Instagram where I found both Jay and Jana had shared stories from Nate Bargatze’s show. Nate was just one of the first guests on Jay’s new podcast so no doubt he comped him some tix and where else have you heard about Nate? OH RIGHT, MY BLOG. If you’ll recall I slobbered all over Nate in my Netflix roundup from February. I’m not saying that I’m a tastemaker but I’m not NOT saying it either. Anyway, SOMEONE is reaping the bennies of Jana’s new rack and it ain’t Nate. Your move, Kristin.

5. #FreeButtney.

I realize that every time I release a JUice there’s a Free Britney update but I promise I don’t time these out, it just so happens that every few months there’s movement in her case and since I’ve been an avid supporter of the #FreeBritney movement, it feels wrong to not see this through even though it appears as though she’s gone of the rails a little bit. Regardless of her posting her butthole & more boob shots on Instagram…

…her psychopath dad has FINALLY made moves to release her from conservatorship prison. In Jamie’s petition he said, if Britney “believes that she can handle her own life, he believes that she should get that chance.” And also that she should take a beat from posting a$$ vids to Insta. Just kidding. That wasn’t in the petition. But should it have been?

Probz. Hey Brit, no one was questioning the legitimacy of your tramp stamp dumptruck shot. Video was not necessary. Either way, the next hearing is scheduled for September 29th so stay tuned for the Free BUTTney saga to continue. Anyone placing bets on how quickly she’ll end up on OnlyFans when she’s freed from the dad shackles? Just wondering.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/26/2021

  1. Sit Down, Bennifer.

JLo turned 52 over the weekend and decided to gift the world with the very first public PDA declaration of Bennifer 2.0. And obviously I didn’t handle well. If you need a quick refresher on how I feel about this “relationship”, please rewind back to this rant. To be perfectly honest, a yacht smooch does not a legit relationship make. I’m still firmly in the camp that this is a whirlwind publicity stunt, but now that she’s gone IG official it appears as though we can no longer avoid this leap downward in the rebound dept for your girl. I mean LOOK AT THIS BODY. SHE IS FIFTY TWO. I just recently went on a quest to find a pair of relaxed fit jeans that don’t slice my gut in half and beelined it straight to the table labeled “mom jeans.” I’m thirty. JLO IS FIFTY TWO.

I’m ashamed to admit how much I watched that video in awe and adoration. She is a specimen. And she’s going back for sloppy Ben Affleck? COME ON. Do I appreciate the unlimited amount of internet jokes (highlighted below) that are coming from this reunion? Absolutely. But as her close personal friend, I believe that JLo can do a million trillion times better. If she had the common decency to text me the pic before posting it, I would’ve obviously been like bestie…don’t do it. Walk it back. Girls always like a little feedback before posting a bold pic and I just wish Jen came to me with this. Now that it’s out there, there’s no going back. Live it up on a yacht, have birthday sex, what have you, but when y’all go back to real life and you can’t party it up and you keep having to stare at that GIANT colored scorpion tat that covers Ben’s back as you spoon him (JLo is OBV big spoon) and you cannot possibly drink another damn Dunks icey…this rebound is going to crash and burn in epic fashion. And who’s gonna be there to put the pieces back together? Me, obviously. Shoot me a text and I’m there in a minute. I’ll awkwardly pet your ass on a yacht any day of the week and twice on Sunday gurl…while also shouting TOLD YA SO.

2. Dirty Birdies.

In news no one ever asked for, Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis aren’t super into the whole bathing thing. Good ole Dax has the two on his podcast and they make a comment about how they only give their kids a bath if they can see dirt on them and it spiraled real quick to Ashton revealing that he only washes his pits & bits and occasionally his face if he’s hit the gym. DIIIIIIIIRTBAG alert! Coming from someone who openly picks her nose, that’s saying a lot. At least I clean myself on the reg. These two can be casj all they want about how they grew up without a lot of water or soap takes away natural oils or WuTeVa. They’re a coupla dirty hippies who probably reek of BO and that’s the bottom line. I typically give myself ONE day a week (may have exaggerated to a few days a week during Covid) where I do not shower. It’s usually Sunday and that’s why it was dubbed No-Shower-Sunday many moons ago, patent pending. I sit around and do almost nothing all day, sometimes if we’re getting really crazy, I’ll toss on a pair of fresh unds and hit the grocery store. At at the end of No-Shower-Sunday, without fail, I feel like Pigpen. I wonder if there’s squiggly lines on my face and clouds of dirt surrounding my body mid-air because that’s how disgusting I feel. That’s after 24 hours without a shower. CAN YOU IMAGINE just never washing your body? Like slapping a little soap into your crevaces and calling it a day? I wonder if their kids first words were “Whore’s Bath.” Clean it up, you two.

3. N*SYNC 4Eva.

Celebrity stands the test of time. Also this hit hard. This album is 20 years old, which means my one and only N*SYNC concert was roughly 20 years ago and AM I 100?! I love that JT released a deep cut BTS moment from the Gone music video. Pretty much sums up his leading lady existence with the band. They’re all hanging around on a music video set and he’s like hey guys pay attention to me and my beat boxing. I ate that shit right up though. What I didn’t love is everyone pretending Lance and JT were feuding because of this Tiktok:

JT commented on it and was like lolz you’ll understand when you have kids and Lance responded “touché” WOWOWOWOWOWOOOW FEUD OF THE CENTURY. Everyone shut up. The remaining members of N*SYNC are out here hustling for a paycheck doing Pop 2K tours at local bars and collabing with BSB on TikTok. They’re on a grind. They don’t have that JT money, honayyyyyy. LET THEM LIVE. Everyone is just getting their bread and if they occasionally need to call out JT for clout then so be it. Now enjoy that new hotness on the streets, BackSync.

@ajmcleanofficial

Back sync rehearsals last night. Little bts for y’all. Great night tonight. #pridemonth🏳️‍🌈 #trevorproject let’s go!!

♬ original sound – AJ McLean
@lance

I know it’s #BoybandWars and all, but It’s only fair I share the BTS of a #BSB song also. And now I’m craving @burgerking! #BackSync #SyncStreet

♬ original sound – Lance Bass

4. Free Britney’s Nipples.

It appears as though #FreeBritney has gotten way out of hand. It started with a woman standing up for herself and ousting her grimy father from running her life and then Brit started to get REAL mouthy on Instagram calling family members out. And now here we are. Nip City: Population, Brit. The first photo (above) was posted and everyone was like YASS QUEEN FREE THE NIP GO OFF SIS TAKE BACK YOUR LIFE AND YOUR FREEDOM AND LET DEM TITTIES HANG. And then four days later we got this:

And people were more like lol yes girl totes 😬 embrace it…and another two days go by and now we’re getting the nipz in vid form:

And the people have TURNED. Comments are suddenly like “I don’t think this is her posting it.” And honestly that’s the real conundrum here. Knowing that Britney Spears isn’t even allowed to drive or go see her gyno without her dad’s supervision, it is VERY unclear who runs her social media. Can we confidently say this is 100% authentic Britney flashing them milk bags on IG every few days? No we cannot. But if WE COULD, this is not helping her case. Which is also why it would be strategic as hell for whoever runs her account to make her look like she’s going off the rails again and shouldn’t be released from creep daddy Jamie’s clutches. LOTS TO THINK ABOUT HERE. But also please for the love of God flopping your sloppy yabbos around, half covered with your massively chipped nails, featuring rolled over COJ’s like it’s 2002 AIN’T 👏 IT 👏 SIS!

5. Lady Gaga with an Italian Accent.

This movie has been hyped HOARD. The first photo that Lady Gaga put out of her and Adam Driver looking like 80’s Aspen royalty had everyone salivating over this movie. And after watching that trailer of essentially 10 words total and a whole lot of music and text, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say there’s probably absolutely no substance to this movie. It’s apparently about the murder of Maurizio Gucci–taken out by a hitman hired by his ex-wife. Love a murder movie. Love an Italian mob movie. But judging by the flashiness of this trailer and the way they’ve been teasing the costume looks, I feel like they’re trying to distract us from a shitty flick. I’ll still watch it, obviously…but I’m not about to get fired up over someone cutting together a bunch of scenes and Lady Gaga tossing an Italian accent into the mix. As someone who grew up on The Lizzie McGuire Movie and had unrealistic expectations that I would be swept away by an Italian popstar on my semester abroad, I’m no stranger to the white singer/actress doing an Italian accent. Hilary Duff’s was out of this world bad and even she owns up to it.

“O0oo are yooou going to believe? Dis boy yoooou know your whole life?” Gets me every time. Anyway, I’m not saying Lady Gaga was this bad, but I’m also not not saying that either. It’s difficult to nail an Italian accent without sounding like Nintendo’s Mario and/or Luigi and I applaud them all for going hard in the paint but it still was a little cringey to watch. Cue every movie critic ever coming at me for my hot takes on this movie full of A List actors. But whatevs, I calls it like I sees it. Plus I took Italian for 4 years. Guess what I sounded like? A dumb American trying to have an Italian accent and mispronouncing 90% of their language. Props on the physical transformation for Jared Leto though. Definitely would not have guessed that was him had they not smashed it in our faces a bunch of times. Ciao.Ciaociaociaoooooo.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 6/21/2021

  1. #FreeBritney

IN case you didn’t hear, Britney finally piped up at trial this week, begging to end her conservatorship. If I HAD to guess, I’d say she’s pretty sick of everyone else in the world speaking for her and decided it was TIME. I don’t want to credit her bravery directly to myself, but I *DID* wear my Britney graphic on Wednesday to send the positive vibes her way and I definitely think she felt them. She admitted on the stand that she has been miserable and depressed and has been pretending for social media that she’s loving life (uh, yeah, you and the rest of us Brit…that’s what Instagram is for.) JK, in all seriousness, her dad has been controlling every aspect of her life including FORCING HER TO KEEP HER IUD IN SO SHE CAN’T HAVE KIDS. Woof times a billion. Obviously now that she’s spoken out, the #FreeBritney crew is multiplying, bringing in celebrities left and right. Ya girl Brit has been controlled by her creepy dad for 15 years (and heavily medicated), but now it’s trendy to declare FREE BRITNEY so everyone is piping in now as if clout will free her. AND WHO IS THE BIGGEST CULPRIT BUT NONE OTHER THAN JT. After his LAAAAAAAME apology (see me NOT accepting said apology here) where fedora in hand he tried to apologize for trampling Britney to get famous, he decided to pop back out again and pretend to be her advocate:

Total classy move bringing Jess into the mix to look like a united front but PEOPLE DON’T FORGET, JT. Seems a little too convenient and thirsty to be making a public statement like this to hop right on the Free Britney movement. I don’t accept x2 now. Sorry not sorry JT remains on my shit list. (Again, can be quickly solved with a hot new bop.) ANYWHO, the details Britney revealed were ALARMING and the fact that she literally compared her living situation to a sex trafficking situation and that her father LOVES control, CAN WE SERIOUSLY JUST END THIS SHIT NOW?! Even if it turns out that Britney has severe mental health issues and does need assistance, THIS AIN’T IT. Give the lady her life back for Pete’s sake. Here was her post-trial statement, which is depressing as hell. Girl needs to pretend everything is ok because if she doesn’t, she’s dealing with a soul-crushing reality.

2. Bad Habits

Ed hasn’t released music in several years, went off the grid, got married and had a baby and now HE BACK. And WHAAAT a weird way to come back. Sure, the song is catchy and a nice little summer bop, but this isn’t the Ed we’ve come to know and love. That Ed gives us swoonworthy love songs or Irish jigs full of fast catchy lyrics and raps accompanied by him busting his ass on a loop pedal. This Ed gives us club beats and a terrifying music video. Is Ed pandering to the youths now? If so, I OBJECT. I appreciate the full cinematic effort for the music video because I love being taken on a visual musical adventure EXCEPT when it involves vampires and hordes of people just deflating in front of our very eyes. YOIKES. I remain hopeful that he did this just to make a splash and whatever follows will be more OG Ed. In the meantime, I’ll be looking up tutorials on how to get those glitter eyes for post-covid nights out this summer. 

3. Deuces, Conan

After a 28 year run, Conan is retiring from the late-night game. I accidentally stumbled upon his last show last night and it was a delight. I’ve never really been a late-night regular viewer but I’ve enjoyed clips and bits on the ole internet after the fact. Conan had a nice farewell speech about how when you find the intersection between stupid and smart, that’s when the real magic happens. I like to think that’s exactly what I’m aiming for on this blog and with my various idiotic videos or self-deprecating stories so it’s always comforting to see when someone can make an entire living off of being a goofy moron. (TBS, call me, boo.) Regardless of my future as a celebrity, Conan had Jack Black on as his final guest and we were treated to an original ditty. The night prior, he smoked weed with Seth Rogen. Just kings doing king shit. God it must be nice to get paid to do whatever you want on cable. Not sure why he’s retiring, TBH, but proud of him for going out with a bang, once he realized which way the joint should face (are Conan and I the same person?!)

4. That’s Enough, Netflix.

Ok, we’ve officially given Netflix WAY too much leeway in original content. We all binged Love is Blind & Joe Exotic and once they saw the straight trash that we would eat right up, they REALLY LET IT RIP. Introducing, SEXY BEASTS. Netflix took Love is Blind and added BESTIALITY. And for that reason, I’m out. SINCE WHEN DID WE NORMALIZE WEARING PROSTHETICS TO SPICE UP GAME SHOWS?! That dolphin will straight up haunt my nightmares until the end of time. At one point in my life, it was a dream of mine to swim with Dolphins. I am now aggressively blacking that off of my bucket list as I look at this cross-eyed porpoise trying to find love with HORROR. I get the concept that they’re trying to push here ad nauseam via dating shows…find love based on WHO the person is not WHAT they look like. And here’s what I have to say to that…if I’m not attracted to you, I’M NEVER GOING TO LOVE YOU. Like cut the shit, get off of your high horse and stop pushing this unrealistic narrative. ESPECIALLY because they cast this show with ALL ATTRACTIVE people. You cannot possibly rant and rave about how love should be about the person when you’re ONLY hiring hot people for this show and then covering them in creepy ass masks to make the other hot person in a creepy ass mask FEAR that they’re possibly dating an uggo. The worst part about this is Twitter LIT up with commentary on this trailer, which means they’ll all tune into the show because you no longer need to make GOOD content, it just needs to be compelling enough for us to trash talk it on Twitter. Therefore, the ratings for this beast will be top notch which will then perpetuate it into infinity season on Netflix. God I hate Hollywood.

PS, if you willingly kiss someone in a furry prosthetic mask, you should go to jail. I don’t make the rules but I did just make that one because watching two creatures attempt to kiss made me want to rip my eyeballs out of my G-D skull.

5. November 19th.

I think we all needed a week to process the fact that the much discussed but never heard 10 minute long All Too Well will be in our hands November 19th. I think it’s also incredibly important to note that although I stan All Too Well as the best breakup song of AWL time and Red was my FAVORITE Taylor album…I do not support this re-release garbage she’s been peddling. I stand by the fact that this is a tacky thing to do. Taylor most certainly DOES NOT need anymore money and to re-release each one of her albums with all of this fanfare and associated merchandise is highway robbery. I totes understand the sentiment of making a statement against Scooter Braun and Scott Borchetta and owning the work that you spent so many years creating. But to profit off of it twice over is bullshit. Sorry, Tay, I gotta keep it real. I did not buy Fearless (Taylor’s Version) because I already own the EXACT same album and guess what, the “new” songs that came from the vault I RIPPED OFF OF YOUTUBE SO, HA. I bought a Taylor Swift Lover tee for 11 bucks at Target so it’ll be a dark day in hell when I ever pay $45 PLUS SHIPPING to get a t-shirt off of her website. And you bet your ass that when this Red (Taylor’s Version) drop hits right before holiday season, I’ll be saving my pennies and acquiring the new All Too Well in frowned-upon ways so that my niece and nephew can get Christmas presents this year. Taylor EASILY could’ve used this moment in her life as an example, re-recorded all of her albums and had all of the proceeds go to a charitable cause because she’s a BAJILLIONAIRE but she made the sound decision to pocket all this dough instead. Whatever, you do you, girl, but I will not be directing my hard-earned cashola toward re-purchasing things I already own. Sorry bout it. I will, however, learn all ten minutes of the new All Too Well and sob-scream it in full though and that’s worth more than any dollar on this earth.

@jordan_sturg

All hail #taylorswift #alltoowell

♬ All Too Well Taylor Swift – TaylorswiftxFolklore
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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 2/15/2021

1. An Ex-Royal Bebe.

Screen Shot 2021-02-18 at 9.26.02 PM

These two may not be royals anymore but they are the King and Queen of photogenic. Every milestone they’ve absolutely nailed the photo. Also important to note, the photographer who took this is in London and “captured it via iPad.” HOW. So you Facetimed them and took a screenshot? Like at what point are we going to cut the shit with the ‘we can do everything the same remotely as we do in person’ trend. Photography over an iPad is just TAKING A PHOTO ON AN iPAD. If you told me this was taken with a self timer propped up on some books I would’ve believed you. What does that say about this photographer? I just bought a ring light for 14 bucks at Homegoods and I have a tripod, so I guess that makes me a photographer too. Also let it be noted that the first time I saw my face in that ring light I gasped at how old I looked. That shit really illuminates every nook and cranny…it’s like the dressing room lights at TJMaxx. #Unforgiving. ANYWAY, professional iPad photography aside, Congrats to these two beauts on another beeebz. The gossip in me would LOVE to know if they shared the news with the Queen first or just announced it to the world now that they’ve quit the palace and moved to the US. No protocols here! Get knocked up and share it on Insta if you like…don’t need an official scroll from the Palace with the Queen’s crest to make the statement. Basically what I’m getting at here is that I’ve read enough books and watched enough shows about how the Royal Family is really a big ole shitshow full of lies and scandal, so any sneak peek into that I’ll eat right up. Give us a tell-all about how this royal family breakup went down. Celeb news has been a little dry lately and I just finished 12 seasons of the Real Housewives of NY so I need this BTS scoop like I need air to breathe. HIT US WITH A DOC, NETFLIX. Oprah’s trying to help us out with a full televised interview on CBS March 7th but something tells me this will be full of softballs.

2. Paris is Engaged…again.

proposal

I had to google this for accuracy but this is Paris’ FOURTH engagement. Girl gets a diamond ring every few years just for shits and giggs. This one’s gonna stick though. Well, let me put it this way, Paris claims this is the first time she’s actually been in love. So I guess that makes it a better shot than the previous 3? But also, this is Hollywood…so I’ll either be reporting that she’s pregnant or that they’re broken up in about 5 weeks time. Mark ya calendars. I think my favorite part about this engagement is that she directed everyone on Instagram to her website for the full story and when I landed on her website there were SEVERAL photo galleries of the proposal, including a YOUTUBE VIDEO ON THE DESIGN OF HER ENGAGEMENT RING. I guess when you get proposed to four times, you start to really monetize the occasion. If you want a good belly laugh – check it out here. Otherwise, peep below for her big ole honkin diamond appropriately named “Paris”, accented by bedazzled fingerless gloves and an early 2000’s gel french mani. That’s hot.

ringparisandcarter

3. I AM GETTING VERY EXCITED.

Demi dropped the full trailer for her upcoming doc that will give all of the dirty deets of her overdose. Here are my kneejerk reactions in watching order: Demi announcing she’s just gonna say it all and then they can take out whatever they don’t want to use. Oh, honey. That’s how documentaries work. Give the whole story then they edit it to create a narrative. Thank you for that Ted Talk. ELTON JOHN?! Her friends (I’m assuming) who were like THIS IS CRAZY, YOU DON’T WANT THE REAL STORY, OH ARE WE TALKING ABOUT HEROIN??… ummmm ARE YA NEW? I get that we’re trying to create a “real and honest” vibe here, but we understand how movies get made. We don’t need to see a bunch of idiots act surprised that they’re filming a doc and telling a story. Just spit it out. Hit us with some hard truths. Like for instance, this song, which is an absolute bangpiece. Someone telling her, “It’s only going to get better from here” one month before overdose hits REAL hard. So does her announcing her engagement. Yikes on bikes. Three strokes and a heart attack. Daaaaaaammmnnnnn. March 23rd can’t come fast enough, yo. (You know I’ll basically recap every moment of this doc the minute it comes out so just come on back for the deets afterward.)

4. Cruella.

Oh, ok Emma Stone, we see you! I guess we just take every animated movie Disney has ever made and remake it with actors now–even though this one was technically done already with Glen Close. That’s the phase of Hollywood we’re at now. Sequels and live action Disney films. Normally I wouldn’t give this a second look because I like my Disney classics right where we left them, in the Disney vault and occasionally played all weekend on ABC Family (I’ll never call it Freeform.) In fact ABC Fam decided Valentine’s Day was a perfect theme for childhood movies and did a marathon this past weekend. I made myself a pan of cinnamon buns and caught Tarzan–because nothing says day of love like filthy humans going into forests and killing gorillas for no reason. Tarzan’s a tough one for me because Phil Collins went hard in the paint on the soundtrack. Just bop after bop. Even the sad songs have a little pep in their step. And so I get excited when I hear the music and then immediately remember that Tarzan is one of the more depressing Disney flicks. Animal cruelty just isn’t for me. Kill off a parent or two, fine. We’ll get through it. Kill off a parent that is ALSO A GORILLA for absolutely no reason? SAVAGE. That’s a can’t watch for me. My favorite Disney movies are: Aladdin, The Little Mermaid, Mulan, Anastasia and Beauty and the Beast. My LEAST favorites are: Lady and the Tramp, Bambi, The Fox and the Hound & 101 Dalmatians. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist for you to figure out that anytime an animal gets hurt in a movie, I hate it. So this rant brought me back to the original topic, which is telling you that that I’ve seen 101 Dalmatians exactly one time and I was so horrified that I never watched it again. This new version seems like more of a “how did this bitch turn into a real puppy kicker” kind of perspective. I’m down for that. I’m mostly intrigued by watching Emma Stone play something other than adorable. But let me be the first to say if she so much as looks at a dog wrong in this movie, I’m walking out (of my living room because theaters are cancelled forever basically.) Dalmatians are kind of a-hole dogs but that doesn’t mean they deserve to be skinned for a fur coat. Can we make it a rule going forward that all Disney movies love and respect animals? Even if they’re cats. That’s big of me to say, so please give me all the credit in the world. Disney is supposed to be wholesome and for children. No more animals dying, plz. Now let Phil play us out.

@marz.gif

phil collins was in is bag every damn time and no one can convince me otherwise. don’t get me STARTED on what he did for Tarzan #fyp #foryou

♬ original sound – marz 🧍🏾‍♀️

5. REEEALLLY Stretching Here.

This is just overflow from last week because the second I smashed publish on last week’s JUice, JT released an official apology. Also, I have nothing else to report on this week so midas whale tell you what I think about this turd coming out of the woodwork for a 20 years too late iPhone note. Obviously the people demanded JT speak up after revisiting his total butthole actions from the early 2000’s stomping out Britney to create his solo success. Then he released this and everyone was like you’re trash go away. Teaching us the evergreen lesson that you’ll never please the masses so maybe just quit while you’re ahead. For PR purposes, JT definitely had to make a statement here but I would most certainly hope that the real apology was given to Britney and Janet personally as well. It’s a little late to be like oopsie sorry I was a total dick forever ago, as a white male I want to grow. K, bud. We got it. It’s also timely that Justin is promoting his new flick on Apple TV+ that has heavy themes around gender and learning how to handle things the right way so naturally it’s a necessary PR move to speak out–kinda like when he got caught cheating on his wife while filming the aforementioned movie. I don’t hate JT (I can’t, he was my first love) but I don’t really like him lately either. If he’d like to get back in my good graces he can either #FreeBritney or he can drop another album. Also, everyone reporting that Jessica Biel responded to his apology can kick rocks. She commented on his instagram “I Love You <3” WHAT A RESPONSE!!!!!!!! So as my eyes pop directly out of my skull and roll down the block, let’s take a trip down memory lane to the last time JT publicly had to apologize and how super smooth that went.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 2/8/2021

1. Surprise, Bitch.

Anyone who knows me personally and/or has read even one sentence of this blog knows that I’m a Taylor stan but what some of you might not know is that I keep it real with Tay. I love her music, I love her genius marketing and I love her dramatics. But I can also call her on her shit. And when the word was making the rounds that she was appearing on GMA Thursday morning for a surprise announcement, my immediate reaction was no more surprises, plz. Like enough is enough Taylor. There’s only so much a girl can take. Folklore was amazing, Evermore was not and I put it on record that if her next surprise was a third album of wrist-slitters, I was OUT.

I completely forgot that while she was writing the most depressing music of her life, she was also re-recording her life’s work up until Lover. Taylor Swift is 9 trillion percent the type of person that goes on vacation, sits on the beach for exactly 3 seconds and then says she needs to do something else because she’s bored. Never one to take a chill pill of course her surprise announcement was the re-release of Fearless…but WAIT THERE’S MORE…she added 6 songs FROM THE VAULT like she’s Walt Disney up in this bitch. LISTEN TO THEM NOW OR THEY’LL GO BACK INTO THE VAULT….FOREVER.

Also gurl couldn’t even actually be live for the “SECRET ANNOUNCEMENT”?! Next time just post the scripted marketing video right to your socials. What’s the point of even including GMA in this bullshit? Obviously I’m not holding back anymore. I’m all for her re-recording her old stuff to feel empowered and feel ownership over her songs. I’ve obviously talked everyone’s ear off about this issue at this point so you should know that I see both sides of the coin here. Taylor is an artist who writes her own songs and has a massive amount of creative control over what she puts out into the universe (which is rare these days) and yet she also signed a contract giving those rights away to a record company. Real Catch-22. Scooter’s obviously a dick for selling the rights to her music and not even allowing her the opportunity to buy them back. So do it up girlfran, re-record old songs, release shit from the mysterious Taylor vault (especially that uncut All Too Well) but ALSO don’t expect me to be emptying my pockets for 100 new songs from you. I am THE MOST unemployed. I cannot handle any more of this. Every time she drops a record she drops 6 weeks of new merch with it, and guess what? I want it all. But I’M NOT MADE OF MONEY. And that’s where I start to get REAL annoyed. It’s one thing to take back your rights and #Feminism and all, it’s another thing to expect your fans to not listen to 10+ years of your music ever again because you no longer own it. That ain’t our fault.

Obviously Taylor loves her surprises and clues so she just had to code April 9th into the above message, which is when we’ll get the whole album. Again. I will not be re-buying each and every album, especially if they’re going to ALL SOUND EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE MUSIC SHE ALREADY SOLD US 10 YEARS AGO. WHAT IS DIFFERENT ABOUT THIS “VERSION?”

2. Say It Louder for the People in the Back…FREE BRITNEY

Paparazzi are the SCUM of the earth. Unless of course they’re taking pictures of Ben Affleck dropping his Amazon packages and Dunks.

The NY Times dropped a doc about Britney Spears last weekend and it has been ALL THE RAGE on social media. As I am a pop culture expert and a self-proclaimed doc aficionado (look no further than my doc rundown from quarantine) it’s almost as if this one was made just for me. For those of you who don’t remember, the #FreeBritney movement sparked up over the summer after superfans of Brit declared that she was using her social media to throw smoke signals that she is being held against her will in a conservatorship. For close to 15 years, her dad has run her life and her finances, claiming she’s mentally unfit to do so. And something about this is A LOT fishy, and yet we literally have NO proof of foul play here. So this doc is essentially an hour and fifteen minutes of assumptions and hearsay that Britney needs our help to set her free. And for that reason, and many more that I will detail for you at length because this is my platform and I can say whatever I want, I will tell you that the doc is interesting and I recommend watching it if you’re intrigued by the topic, but I wouldn’t say it’s a well-done, critically acclaimed doc. First and foremost, we’ve got one of the BIGGEST media sources in the world making a documentary about how the media is bad. And that is R I C H. The narrative that they’ve formed is that Britney has been treated like garbage by the media for her entire career and essentially that’s what got her in this current jail-type situation. Are the NY Times feeling a little guilty for playing a part in her demise and making this doc as penance? Perhaps. Or are they feeding right into their own story by using their platform to tell a story that maybe isn’t true….KINDA MAKES YOU THINK, NO? In response to this, the media has been demanding apologies left and right, trying to cancel anyone who shit on Britney during her breakdown…which again has turned out to be top notch entertainment. Pot, meet Kettle. (I say this with the MOST self awareness in the world because this very blog is 100% a part of the problem and I wholeheartedly accept that. I find celebrities and pop culture fascinating and I’m going to spout my opinions about it all–salacious or not. But I’m also never going to hop right up on my high horse and be like YOU ARE ALL WRONG, WHAT I’M DOING DOESN’T COUNT, YOU BETTER APOLOGIZE OR ELSE!!)

Other than me critiquing the big bad Media for being a bunch of big booty big ole hypocrites, the parts that I found most interesting about this doc were the flashbacks to OG interview clips. Watching those as an adult was a real eye opener. I loved Brit and I loved N*SYNC and my pre-teen ass never gave a second thought to creepy old men reporters asking about her boobs and her sex life or GASP Justin Timberlake doing her DIRTY by trampling her to boost his solo career. My guy JT did NOT look good in this doc, I’ll tell you that. Not sure how I missed him announcing on a radio interview that he banged Britney but YOIKES that was rough. You know what else was rough? How creeptastic Brit’s fans are. Doing podcasts dissecting her instagram photos, showing up at the courtroom to picket, I mean these guys are really giving the Taylor stans who have WHITEBOARDS full of clues to guess what surprise is next a run for their money. And last bu certainly not least in my hot takes…a pro tip: including certified creep Matt Lauer in any capacity is a HUGE strike here. How are we supposed to be on your side when you’re giving a rapist air time? You can get back to me on that one, NY Times. Anyway, got carried away there. Basically just transcribed the whole doc (spoiler alert lololol.) The point is, watch this doc if you want to see how maybe the LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE guy wasn’t so crazy after all, but also keep in mind that absolutely no one in the Spears family sanctioned this doc or contributed to it and therefore it’s about as reliable as a fan TikTok. But still, #FreeBritney.

@thesaltyju

The only reason I purchased this shirt. #itsbritneybitch #graphictees #90skids #gimmemore #hallwayrunway #fyp

♬ original sound – The Salty Ju

PS: There was another trial for her conservatorship this week and in a minor victory, Brit was able to secure a bank as co-conservator of her finances so that her dad doesn’t have his greasy hands on it solo dolo. This is good news but what would be GREAT news is if that rat Jamie Spears was banished from this country and stopped pilfering all of his daughter’s money and controlling her every move, allegedly.

3. A Drunk Goat.

Tom Brady won the Super Bowl…for the seventh time. The parade was this week in Florida where if you haven’t been keeping up, Covid doesn’t exist so IT’S PARTY TIME, BAYBAY! And Tommy Football let looose. They had a boat parade, which if you ask me is the best kind of parade. Nothing tops day drinking ON THE PONTOON in the sun. After this video of Tom being walked off the boat surfaced, the drunk content just started piling in and it brought me immense joy. This guy is a specimen. He is in his 40’s and looks better now than he did when he was 20. He is on a strict diet and workout plan so that he can continue to dominate on the football field and you know what? HE DESERVES TO GET WHITE GIRL WASTED ON A BOAT. Before you chirp me, I’ve already heard the stories that he wasn’t actually drunk or that he was faking it for lolz and I will hear none of it. Sloshed Tom Brady makes me happy and YOU CAN’T TAKE THAT FROM ME. LET US HAVE IT. He’s stumbling around with that goofy shit-eating grin, tossing the Lombardi trophy over open water like it’s one of his kid’s toys and posing for the ‘gram with his goon squad. He is an American treasure.

And the above video begs the question…how many times was my dad carrying me as a small child while also absolutely trashed. LMK, Den. Over/Under 10?

4. Roast City, Population: Wendy’s.

Since I rambled real hard above, I’ll close out the JUice this week with fun things on the internet that gave me a case of the giggles. Since we typically hear about social media blunders and people who run big brand accounts getting fired for being racist or inapprops, I thought it would be nice to spotlight the opposite. The team or individual that runs the Wendy’s Twitter is killin it as they kicked off #NationalRoastDay with a bunch of sick burns to big brands and nobodies alike. If you wanted to get twitter bitch slapped, all you had to do was tweet at Wendy’s yesterday to take yourself down a peg. Here’s a collection of some of my favorites. Feel free to search #NationalRoastDay on Twitter for them all. Wendy’s: known for their Frosty’s, nuggs & brutal zingers. That little redhead is a FIRECRACKER.

5. I Am Not a Cat.

The only Zoom faux pa that had me laughing out loud and that is 1. because of those dramatically sad cat eyes roaming all over the joint and 2. because this guy had to LITERALLY say he’s not a cat. WELL GOLLY GEE WILLIKERS ROD, I THOUGHT THE PANDEMIC HAD TRANSFORMED YOU INTO A CAT WITH VERY MOIST CARTOON EYES. How Jerry and H. Gibbs (what a rich professional name) didn’t hysterically laugh at this is beyond me. I cannot for a second hold my facial expressions, which is why I can’t stand the Zoom life but these two put on a CLINIC of keeping their faces neutral while ole Rod dug himself deeper into the kitty litter box. Not so funny, meow is it?!

Thanks for the chuckles this week, internet. It was much appreciated. Actually, thanks for the chuckles this week, world. Cause my trip to Hobby Lobby yesterday beCAME very eventful when I stumbled upon this treasure and snickered my face off in the aisle like the immature 12 year old boy that I am. Why anyone would choose to hang this in their home is beyond me but hope you all COME without warning this weekend. Happy Valentine’s Day. ❤

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 1/18/2021

1. Don’t F With Cats, Tesla.

Listen, we’ve been on the Free Britney tirade for such a long period of time that I feel like maybe no one was paying any attention to Jamie-Lynn…and that’s on us. We took our eyes off of one Spears to focus on getting Brit off the drugs and give her some independence back and the younger one started killin a bunch of cats. That’s one way to act out and take the heat off your sister, JL. In one of the most outrageous celeb stories I’ve ever heard, Jamie-Lynn Spears came from the clouds with this video calling out Elon Musk for killing not one cat but MULTIPLE cats. I would assume that when your cat gets hit by a car, you immediately take it to the vet to see what you can do to save it. It’s gotta be on that vet to intervene, not the inventor of the silent car, no? On the second or third (dare I say fourth or fifth?) cat that you rush into the vet for emergency revival due to being flattened by a sneaky vehicle rolling in reverse I FEEL LIKE THERE NEEDS TO BE SOME SORT OF INTERVENTION. At the very least the Spears family should be on a universal no-fly list for adopting or purchasing any future cats or kittens. God, just typing that sentence immediately put that psychopants Carol Baskin saying “Hey all you cool cats and kittens” at the forefront of my brain and hot damn do I hate Tiger King for continuing to punish us almost a full year later. Anyway, from husband murderer back to cat murderer, we simply cannot allow this to slide under the radar that A) Jamie-Lynn is just killing cats left and right and 2) Rather than looking internally at how she can prevent it, like I don’t know, say CHECKING BEHIND THE CAR BEFORE HITTING THE GAS, she immediately takes to the web to call out Elon Musk for making such a quiet bajillion dollar car. Yup. This checks out. Elon must be stopped. He’s OUT OF CONTROL. FOR THE LOVE OF CATS, ELON, REDESIGN YOUR CAR. Obviously as soon as she posted this video and everyone called her a straight do-do brain and laughed directly in her face for how ridiculous and irrational this is, she deleted the video and tried to backpedal saying there might’ve been some user error, then tried to say no cats have been harmed. Girlfriend….you don’t say “we have now lost I don’t even want to tell you how many cats” if NO CATS HAVE BEEN HARMED. You say that when you’re covering up a pile of dead cats from you burning rubber out of your garage. And honestly, we all know how I feel about cats and I’m the first to blame them for everything because they’re all straight a-holes. But for once I’m on #TeamCat here. IT’S NOT THEIR FAULT! SAVE THE CATS! SAVE BRITNEY! SAVE JAMIE-LYNN! But seriously though, do a wellness check on the entire Spears family (and maybe change their social passwords for a trial period) cause shit’s getting out of control over there. Lock it up, guys. PS I think we all learned from the best true crime doc Netflix ever made, Don’t F*** With Cats TO NOT F WITH CATS…I assume Baudi Moovan and John Green are already on the case.

2. Tough Break For Ben.

First we all end 2020 razzing HOARD on Ben for his Dunks and his packages and then not even two weeks later we learn he got dumped by this babe soda. Obviously Ben is no schlub in the looks department but I think we can all agree he was really outkicking his coverage with Ana de Armas whose career is just starting to blow up, plus she’s a Cuban-Spanish tamale. I mean, if that didn’t sell you…let me just remind you of this:

Case closed. As much as I feel sorry for Ben to lose his girl (after losing perfect angel Jennifer Garner) and have to live with that COLORFUL back art for the rest of his life…I can’t help but laugh my face off at this paps shot post-breakup:

Only in Hollywood do you have to THROW OUT A LIFE SIZE CUTOUT AFTER A BREAKUP. Let it also be known, “It took two people to stuff the cutout into the trash.” Good to know. It would be embarrassing as hell if the next time I went through a breakup I only had one hired help to take the cutout of my sig other to the dumpster when clearly it’s a job for two. No one wants to get caught by the papz struggling to throw out the ex. BREAKUPS ARE HARD ENOUGH.

3. Secret Child Confirmed.

You know there are few things I hate more than a hidden Hollywood baby. Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are mega superstars and they’re gonna try and sneak a baby out? Get the hell out of my face with that fresh garbage. You in Hollywood for life or you not in it at all. Babies, cheating scandals, what have you. You can’t pick and choose what you want us to hear about. SORRY CHARLIE. Dem’s da breaks. You get enough perks for us to know when you’re popping out kiddies. Obviously the news was leaked that Jessica had a baby during quarantine while they were holed up in Montana. And since I’m a bitter bitch who has wanted to be married to JT since I first laid eyes on him in the 90’s, I obviously pointed out that the timing of baby #2 coming after JT got caught with his hand in the cookie jar was preeettyyyy obviously a “let’s save the marriage with a baby” situation. Might’ve also been why they decided to keep it a big ole secret but maybe they should’ve told Lance Bass because he blabbed that shit almost immediately. God Lance, JT is never going to allow an N*SYNC reunion if you don’t shut your trap. Anyway, Justin confirmed the arrival of his second son, Phineas. How do a Jessica and a Justin make a Silas and a Phineas? I mean come on. Also, don’t think I was going to let Ellen’s flex slide either. She’s all, oh silly me I forgot you’re a dad again because when we were Facetiming forever ago you told me personally that Jess was pregnant because we’re BFF’s. You’re not Jimmy Fallon, Ellen. Take a seat. My eyes rolled down the block when JT told her she was one of the first to know. Ellen doesn’t need any more of an ego. So major lessons to take away here are 1/Tell Lance Bass nothing, 2/Next time you debut the news of your secret baby, do it on the Tonight Show with your real BFF J.Fall, and 3/I’m prettier than Jessica Biel. Case closed.

4. Khai Hadid-Malik.

Let’s keep the train rolling with baby names I don’t like, shall we? Gigi announced this week via her Instagram bio (she’s so Gen Z it hurts) that her and Zayn’s daughter is named Khai. Immediately I assumed it was pronounced like Cobra Kai (shoutout Netflix) but when I sent it to my friend to razz on it, and she asked how we think it’s pronounced I realized that it is one of those names that you don’t immediately feel confident saying out loud. And let me just state for the record, I hate those kind of names. I need a nice straightforward name. I can see this name going either K-EYE or K-AYY and it’s a no for me, dawg. My friend had a much more diplomatic response saying she doesn’t love it but doesn’t hate it, it’s just not her cup of tea. And that’s why she’s a better person than me. I will never ever be diplomatic about a celebrity baby name. At least with parents like Gigi and Zayn, we knew we were in for a zany (wordplay intended) name rather than Jess and Justin trying to act out their frustrations at growing up with white wholesome American names. I also have no idea what Khai’s legal last name will be, which I feel like could make a difference about how much I hate it or not. Anyway, Geeg, if you’re reading this, hit us with a phonetic spelling, por favor. Also a picture of her face to see if she is on the fast track to being a model. TYSM.

5. Remember Ricky Martin?

Well he really wants us to remember him. I saw this photo and nearly puked in my hands. When bored, literally never ever ever bleach. No times a million, trillion, Ricky. Looks like someone’s having a hard time coming to terms with inching closer and closer to his 50th birthday. Let’s just take a trip in our time machines back to a time when if you were bored, you bleached just the tip instead. Cause nothing gets a weekend started more than a spicy horn section and some spiked tips.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 12/7/2020

1. The Year of Taylor.

I mean, I’m not just going to sit back and not yap my face off about Taylor coming in from the CLOUDS and dropping another whole ass album in our laps not even six months after surprising us with folklore. WHAT A MOVE and to get it in RIGHT before the buzzer at the end of the year. Wild. Obviously I was in a tailspin yesterday as I discovered the news and not to brag but I did have my hair in braids at the time so there’s obviously no further proof needed that I was ready for more woodsy in your feels songs. I’m still not over folklore, I still play it several times a week. Spotify gently reminded me how much I’ve played it over the past few months with my year end wrapped…I’m surprised it wasn’t followed up with an email from them asking if I’ll be ok. To which I would say, No I obviously will not. BECAUSE NOW WE’RE GETTING AN ENTIRE OTHER SOBFEST. I also love that Taylor tried to disguise it as a birthday present to us all.

Hey everyone, thanks for buying all of my overpriced merch and going out of your way to get my folklore cd that took an entire month to ship because of covid or whatever, I’d like to give you the birthday present of buying more of my overpriced merch and again going out of your way to buy a cd that may never arrive. If you do, you’ll be rewarded with bonus tracks that you can’t hear anywhere else. SUCHHHHHHH a boss move to be like it’s a gift, cough up your money tho. And you know what, I think I’ll stick to Spotify free listening this time around until I can buy a moderately priced physical cd in person at Target. If I may borrow a song title off of evermore, ‘Tis the Damn Season for me to be broke as a joke buying holiday gifts. HOWEVER should anyone want to gift me with literally anything from the Taylor Swift store, I welcome it with open arms. Anyway, back to the big debut. Obviously I now have my weekend work cut out for me as I’ll need to recap a track by track, which I’ll be publishing on Monday if all goes well. But I did want to at least give you my instant thoughts about the Willow music video, which I stayed up past my bedtime to watch. I also may have been a wee bit overserved, but here we go.

My raw, unadulterated thoughts (remember I watched it AT midnight after a wine and pasta filled evening.):

Starts with that G-D cardigan and a magic piano transforming her into a magical forest. I WANT THAT CARDIGAN. (still obviously holding onto a lot of resentment for all of the influencers and famous friends who were sent cardigans and my mailbox didn’t see a whisper.) WHY ARE WE SUDDENLY WATCHING KIDS.

(I literally started a new paragraph because after being outraged by kids I wanted to move onto the bigger topic at hand) She is literally in a one room school house. Please come back to 2020, Taylor. The 1800’s don’t want you or those bangs. I honestly couldn’t even focus on Willow as a song because I couldn’t get past Taylor as an early English settler creating witch hexes with the original Sanderson Sisters. Let’s relax on fully embracing the fairy in the woods vibe for one hot second, plz. Also the bangs have to go. Double also, that last shot of her in that dress, she IS Grandpa Joe from Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory. We’ve gone too far. Way too far. I mean, spot the difference. You can’t.

screen-shot-2020-12-11-at-12.48.15-pmscreen-shot-2020-12-11-at-12.49.11-pm

So that’s where we’re at. Stay tuned to see my thoughts on the whole damn thing come next week. In the meantime, refresh yourself with Folklore in preparation.

2. Open Book, TV Style.

For avid readers of The Salty Ju, you’ll know that I was a hardcore Nick & Jessica should reunite believer RIGHT UP UNTIL I read her memoir Open Book this year and then re-watched Newlyweds from Jess’s perspective and saw that Nick pretty much hated her stinkin guts and was constantly a dick to her. What I once thought was an adorable teen popstar relashe unfolding on MTV full of healthy jabs was actually toxic as hell. Eye opening moment for me in pop culture history. I loved all the juicy goss she dished in her book of BTS deets of each of her very public relationships and to hear that they’re extending this book into a TV show is music to my ears. And even better, it’s on a paid service that I will not have to sign up for in order to watch (lookin’ at you peacock tv for forcing my sister and I to do a free trial just to watch the trainwreck Saved by the Bell reboot.) I’m fully team Jess and I support her return to the entertainment industry especially because she’s coming back with her story and not hawking a dating show where people get married without ever seeing each other. I’m of course referring to dirt Nick Lachey, OBVIOUSLY. (Only people who watched Love is Blind will get that diss and I’m ok with it.)

3. OH NO KHRISTMAS IS KANCELLED.

Breaking news this week, that I read aloud to my friends in my best Khloe Kardashian voice when I saw the headline. Khristmas is Kancelled due to COVID and it’s the first time SINCE 1978. HOW WILL WE EVEN SURVIVE?! Honestly I was reeling from the news. Life just is NOT fair, ya know? And then I remembered that this family who is HEROICALLY cancelling their biggest attention-grabbing event of the year, also are telling us that taking this pandemic seriously IS A MUST. And honestly, we need to listen to them, y’all. No more flying all of your closest friends and family out to an island for a lavish weekend for your 40th birthday. It’s time to REALLY buckle down and PUT OUR HEALTH AND SAFETY FIRST. The Kardashians are a voice of reason and I’m just honestly so in awe of their bravery and leadership. Also, remember when they cancelled their reality show on E? Yeah they’ll be back up with a deal on Hulu in 2021. So let’s all keep our fingers krossed that we won’t miss ONE second of their lives. Prayer hands. Kiss Face. Eye Roll.

4. But I come back stronger than a 90’s trend.

Britney Spears (#FreeBritney) and Backstreet Boys dropped their first ever collaboration in 2020. Cause why the hell not at this point? What I’d like to see is Justin Timberlake’s reaction to this. HE MUST BE ROLLING IN HIS GRAVE. Oh, he’s still alive? WHERE HAS HE BEEN WITH THE NEW MUSIC THEN? Like, Man of the Woods was a lifetime ago. I don’t care if you’re a new dad, Britney and BSB are collaborating in lockdown–with Britney quite possibly being still controlled by her dad as a grown ass adult and Taylor Swift just dropped back to back records like she’s 2005 Nelly dropping Sweat and Suit on TRL. Jus sayin. Get your shit together, JT. Anyway, back to this unholy collab because honestly what a slap in the face to N*SYNC who Britney was smoochin with in the 90’s, literally and musically. This song kinda sucks but for nostalgia sake, I’m down with it.

5. I still L-O-V-E a good music video.

Dierks tossed this video out this week. I already loved the song and then I saw that he played all these different pop culture roles as part of the video and I settled in to watch. I was over at a friend’s house this week and we showed her sister the WAP video because she’s never seen it and rite of passage obviously to let your eyes bleed out to that catastrophe, which then spiraled into us just sitting there watching music videos on Youtube like I was a senior in high school again and it was a Friday night. I know, I was UNBELIEVABLY cool and popular. Either way, we all talked about how we’ve always enjoyed watching music videos even though it’s very much not a beloved thing anymore. Kinda like owning DVD’s. We old. And I still love the art of a good music video, which is why I’ve highlighted two this week. One that I shit on and one that I like. I’m into the idea here and obviously you know that any music video with references to Full House–the classic, not that bubblegum trash they trotted out on Netflix recently–is a W in my book. Well done, Dierks.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/6/2020

1. Naya Rivera Missing.

naya

This is not the kind of news I like to report, I like to keep it light and fluffy for the most part but this is a huge headline that hit yesterday, and one that I was regretfully scooped on nonetheless. Naya Rivera rented a boat on a lake in California with her 4 year old son, when the boat was due back and they still hadn’t returned, the boating company went out looking for her. They found the boat with her 4 year old in a life jacket sleeping on board and did not find Naya. They’ve been searching the water, believing she has drowned and the most recent update is that they’re presuming she’s dead even though they’ll continue to search for her body. Apparently lake conditions are currently difficult for finding bodies, according to the police leading the investigation. They’ve basically been searching “by touch” because visibility is so low, which is a terrifying thing to picture doing. There’s a WHOLE bunch of things that are weird about this situation and let me be the asshole who points them out–maybe I watch too much crime shows and think I’m an expert, or maybe I’m actually onto something here but there are many fishy things about this accident. First of all, it strikes me as odd to go out on a pontoon boat (usually reserved for larger groups of people, known as a party boat) with just yourself and your toddler son. I’m obviously not a mom, so I can’t begin to judge her motherly decisions but I do know that I would never trust myself to adequately watch a small child while also driving a large ass boat on a lake. Seems like a second set of eyes on the kid would’ve made more sense. This is also coming from someone who won’t swim with her 3-year-old niece alone because I’m terrified of her drowning and she runs around the pool like a madwoman. Jus sayin. Secondly, Naya is not without controversy. She made headlines a few years ago with calling off a divorce to her husband and then having a domestic dispute reported where she hit him. Then they got divorced for realz. So their relationship was not without v. public issues. Again, this could be because I’m in the midst of season 2 of Dirty John, but something is odd there. Thirdly, she posted this a week ago:

I get that it’s common, especially right now for people to declare tomorrow is not promised but also THIS IS A LITTLE TOO EERIE. I very much hope that they find her safe and sound, although that doesn’t look to be the case right now. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see as more details are revealed.

2. We Finally Have a Trailer.

The minute this trailer dropped, my sister sent me the link and by the time I had watched it, she’d already viewed it twice. In fact, she watched it so many times that first day, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if she’s on some sort of Youtube red alert watch list for that questionable activity. But ya gurl is just excited that we finally have a teaser–it’s about damn time. They announced a sequel almost as soon as the first one premiered two years ago (click HERE to remember how much I drooled over it), and then we all had to watch as the two leads very OBVIOUSLY broke up in real life, and you know what happens when showmances end in the real world…they most certainly end on film as well as the actors no longer want to smooch each other. I’m less enthralled with this trailer than my twin. I’m not a huge fan of making a sequel of perfection to begin with, and I knew where it was heading. Your boyfriend who tried to hide dating you for most of his senior year doesn’t just go off to college across the country without any conflict. OBVIOUSLY they set up a real rocky road for this follow-up and I don’t love that. Then on top of the fact that people in college rarely continue to date their high school sig other, they add in a new hottie high schooler with a gleaming six pack to tempt Elle. COME ON. Like seriously, who has a six pack in high school? Get the hell out of here. No one should be called a SNACK in high school. However, there is some tiny sliver of hope that these two crazy kids make it work after all and I will hang onto that real hard. You bet your ass I’m going to find out on July 24th and report back.

3. Matching Nudes.

Unless you’re living under a rock, you know that the Bella Twins are both pregnant and will probably give birth on the exact same day cause TWINNIESSSSSS. This week they did a pregnancy photoshoot together (and with Artem?) and spammed everyone’s insta with a bunch of nudes. I would be offended except that they were flawless of course. Check them out here and try to imagine how awkward it must be to be nekkid with your sister and then her boyfriend shows up and pops his top off to get in on the action. WHERE WAS BRYAN?!

Also, while we’re yapping about the Bella Twins, can we rap about how weird it was that their mom just casually had brain surgery last week? On the season finale of their show, their mom shows up for a shopping day and her entire left side of her face is drooping down to her ankles. It was v difficult to watch and I remember saying to my friend why would she allow them to film this? She claimed she woke up with bells palsy and seemed VERY casual about something that caused half of her face to look like it was melting off. Well, apparently it was a brain tumor and she had brain surgery this week to remove it. There’s a reason this family has a reality show.

4. #FREEBRITNEY.

@britneyspears

HOLY HOLY CRAP 😍 !!! My florist surprised me today by making the flower arrangement all different colors 💐 … just had to SHARE 🌸⭐️ !!!!

♬ Blinding Lights – The Weeknd

I realize ever since I got my Brit Brit graphic tee, I’ve really amped up my news on her but as a proud owner of a shirt with her mug on it, I feel like it’s my social responsibility to report the latest. Brit posted the above TikTok and everyone immediately started razzing on it because it was just another weird video in her lineup of walking on and off camera and doing a twirl videos that she posts on the reg. She points out the flowers and then they are in the video for .2 seconds and she just keeps popping in and out with dead eyes. A ton of people duetted with her TikTok pretending to be the videographer for this masterpiece, and out of them all, this one was my fave:

THEN, CONSPIRACY hits the comment section. Britney superfans start telling everyone to knock it off and reveal that Britney is closing in on 40 and still under a conservatorship. Basically she has no freedom to do anything without permission and all of her money goes to her dad. People believe that her dad is keeping her on a dosage of meds to make her act like a loony toon (which she clearly seems unwell on her social media) so that he can continue to control her and all of her assets. And now we’re on a #SAVEBRITNEY campaign. Also, as fans began commenting and asking if this was a cry for help, one fan told her to wear yellow in her next video if she needs help and WHAT DO YOU KNOW, BRIT WORE YELLOW. And even pointed out “this is my new yellow shirt” and at one point said she reads all of the comments. SO SOMEONE GO GET BRITNEY SPEARS AND TELL HER TO COME LIVE WTIH ME AND MY PARENTS. They don’t feed me drugs and sometimes they take me out for ice cream. We can make TikTok’s together of sound minds and you can show me how to twirl with my hands in my pockets. FREE BRIT BRIT!!!! JUSTICE FOR BRIT!

5. RIP Charlie Daniels.

This is just an excuse to post this bangerang of a song. Rest in peace, Charlie. Thank you for creating this masterpiece and allowing me to butcher it one time with my friend at a karaoke bar after a few adult bevs. We definitely felt like we crushed it, I used a borderline offensive twang and also air-played the fiddle. I hope you can forgive me from beyond the grave. Love you so much.

BONUS: Here’s a happy video of Tom Hanks having the time of his life diving into the pool on his birthday. What a gemstone he is. Bring this joy into your weekend.

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This Greyhound is 64!! Hanx.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 6/15/2020

1. Another One Bites The Dust.

clarkson-blackstock

*Technically* this news broke last week. And unfortunately for me, my sister scooped me on this while I was out of town. I wasted no time in spinning right around and scooping my bestie. It’s a scoop eat scoop world out there and we’re all just doing anything we can to stay on top. I expect that my bestie then turned to her fiancé and scooped him even though he probably couldn’t care less. Doesn’t matter. Still counts as a scoop. But I got carried away there as I tend to do. The real tragedy here is that quarantine is knocking couples down left and right. Celebs who once relied on spending 99% of their relationship traveling or living separately or constantly busy and unable to spend time together anyway hit a HOARD realization once the world shut down that PERHAPS those factors are what made their relationship work and PERHAPS being around each other all the time has reminded them that they barely tolerate each other. That’s just a shot in the dark as someone who is currently living with her parents who have been married for 38 years today (Happy Anniversary, M&D!) and if they spend too much time in each other’s presence yell at each other for breathing. My mom almost burns the house to the ground anytime my dad eats a banana near her because he chews it so grossly. Facts are facts…people aren’t meant to live inside of each other’s buttholes with no breathers and if you factor in small children on top of that, YOIKES. It’s really no surprise that celeb ‘ships are dropping like flies. Obviously the biggest loss of this particular relationship is that Kelly can no longer call Reba “Mom” and that should really take a lot of content out of the 9 different country music awards that happen annually.

2. J Baby VERY MUCH Confirmed.

EXCLUSIVE: Sophie Turner Shows Off Her Growing Baby Bump While Out with Joe Jonas in Los Angeles.

Back in February it was leaked that Sophie Turner was pregnant but it was never “officially” announced and so if you’ll recall (remind yourself by re-reading HERE) I declared that if this news didn’t end up being the real deal, I’d get a face tat because I prematurely yapped about it before knowing if it was legit or not. Well THIS BEAUTIFUL FACE WILL REMAIN MY MONEY MAKER, CLEAN AS A WHISTLE! THAT IS A PREGNANT ASS WOMAN! VICTORY IS MINE MUAHAHHAHHAHHA. Ok but seriously though why keep it mums? Like if you’re not going to go full Kylie Jenner and go into hiding for an entire year until that baby is born…what’s the idea behind letting other people announce your pregnancy and then just never saying anything about it…but then waltzing around with your very OBVIOUSLY pregnant belly. Kinda a weird move here. Is she creating a diversion so we don’t know that Pri is also pregnant and we’ll have Jonai cousins same day birth (to be documented for Amazon entitled “Happiness Jr.”) Just spitballin here, but since Pri and Nick seem to be total social media whores about all of the things that go on in their life, I doubt they’d be hiding a baybay. PS I was going to get cocky a few weeks ago when the below paparazzi picture was released but it just wasn’t OVERLY preggers to me. Like I’d feel pretty awful if I was like HAHA SHE’S PREGNANT, BITCHES and she just was wearing a baggy black sweatshirt and hadn’t pooped in a couple of days. I’m glad I waited for the real money shot. Feels a lot more satisfying this way.

sophieandjoe

3. Showmance.

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cats outta the bag ❤️

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Remember when I did everyone a service and watched all of the new series on Netflix and Hulu just so that I could tell you which ones were garbage and which ones were probably still garbage but addicting as hell? (Catch up HERE if you missed) Outerbanks definitely fell in the latter category. For sure made for teenagers and yet every adult I follow on Twitter got sucked into its treasure hunt Pogue life wormhole. It was so awesomely bad and the center of the cheesiness was John B and Sarah–star crossed lovers. Where Pogues meet Kooks. One was a homeless orphan running from the cops, the other a privileged fancy B living in a mansion with a real doucher for a dad. (No spoilers) Obviously these two couldn’t make out on a boat while the sun set for the show and NOT fall in love IRL. Superfans were already starting to sniff out that they were boning it up so they decided to make it instaG offish. I’m not really shipping these two like many teen hearts are across the world–mostly because I found her SUPER annoying in the show and I found John B super beach babe soda but now that I follow him on Instagram and see what he’s really like, I’m over it. It was really just the waves and the fugitive life that was making his sex appeal boom for me. Now it’s just MEH. So have fun, you two crazy kids. But don’t break up right before you start filming season 2 and force a shitty story line because you can’t be professional and continue to smooch each other. (Lookin’ at you One Tree Hill….the Lucas and Brooke breakup of season 3 after their engagement failed IRL wrecked me.)

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i fell asleep like dis. thx for embarrassing me.

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This one

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Also those two Insta’s PERFECTLY describe how boys post pictures vs. how girls post pictures in a relationship. Chase posts a hideous selfie probably not meant for anyone other than them, Madelyn posts an adorbs professional photo of them. Yup..sounds about right. My ex boyf posted a collection of my UGLIEST photos for my birthday one year (after I asked him if he was gonna even give me a social media shoutout for my 28th year) and when I pointed out how ugly I was in all of those photos he laughed. On his birthday I picked model status photos. NBD but the BIGGEST DEAL EVER boys are the worst.

4. CREEP ALERT.

chris-delia

 

Chris D’Elia is the latest alleged Hollywood creepster using his fame and celebrity status to lure teens to bang him. And here’s where I’m a little confused. One girl started out the confessions by tweeting the below (click for the whole thread):

And then within the same day, TONS of girls came forward tweeting receipts of their similar experiences. Basically high school or sometimes even middle school girls (WOOF) would reach out to him via social media saying they liked his comedy or telling him he was funny or that they saw him live…whatever. And then he would use them being fans and young dum dums to take advantage of them and demand to meet up for after show BJ’s or a whole other bunch of icky things that a thirty + year old should never be requesting from a teenager who doesn’t even have a drivers license yet. And he would have girls like this in every city as he toured and could just reach out to them for a hookup as he cruised through. I mean there’s literally hundreds of tweets to read through, some actual screenshots from the girl he was texting/messaging/emailing and some just anonymous entries because the girl didn’t want her name out there. There’s really no reason to believe that this many girls would just make this up for attention and yet here’s the statement that ole Chrissy finally released:

“I know I have said and done things that might have offended people during my career, but I have never knowingly pursued any underage women at any point. All of my relationships have been both legal and consensual and I have never met or exchanged any inappropriate photos with the people who have tweeted about me. That being said, I really am truly sorry. I was a dumb guy who ABSOLUTELY let myself get caught up in my lifestyle. That’s MY fault. I own it. I’ve been reflecting on this for some time now and I promise I will continue to do better.”

And this is where my confusion comes into play. After ALL of those confessions, you’re really gonna say Nah, WASN’T ME. wut?!

That’s gotta be one of the WORST official responses to sexual harassment/assault allegations in history. ESPECIALLY in the #MeToo era. And then on top of that to have him play a pedo on the Netflix show “You” and to have SEVERAL soundbytes with jokes about how there isn’t some conspiracy in Hollywood where older guys are banging younger girls. This is fishy as hell and I doubt this shitty statement makes this all just go away so buckle up, Chris. You’re about to get CAAAAAAANCELLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEDDDD.

5. I Said A Bang, Bang, Bangity, Bang.

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I know I need bangs 😜😜 !!!!! Who would have thought bangs could make you look waaaaay younger ?!?! I stopped having bangs in the 3rd grade and I remember like it was yesterday …. it was such a big deal to expose my forehead …. only pretty people in the south could do that and I never felt pretty enough to pull it off. All the beauty pageant girls did it but I never felt beauty pageants were my thing … I had bad teeth and felt like an ugly duckling. I met with a modeling agency but I wasn’t pretty enough so I went home and said, "maybe I can be like the older girls and show my forehead" !!!! I did and it looked sooooo bad but I thought I was gorgeous 🤣 !!!! I think I knew it didn’t look good but I did it because I thought it made me cool …. and I’ve pretty much had it like that ever since !!!! People choose different ways to protect themselves …. when I pull my bangs in front of my head I feel like I’m protected … almost like I’m in 3rd grade again ⭐️💖🌸 !!!

A post shared by Britney Spears (@britneyspears) on

It was a literal headline this week that Britney Spears got bangs. She debuted them on her Instagram, which is the eighth world wonder. If you ever want to scroll through someone’s insta and feel like you’re losing years on your life, Britney’s is my top suggestion. There are so many trashy nuggets to gain from what she chooses to share with the world and you might wonder aloud more than once, “who is doing wellness checks on her?” Well, I knew that she cut bangs thanks to the People.com article about it, but they didn’t acknowledge the fact that just days before she did the deed, she posted an entire soliloquy about how bangs make her feel pretty because she’s not pretty enough to show off her forehead. She then pulled baby hairs out of her ponytail to mimic bangs for this national declaration. WHAT A TRIP. I don’t think it would hurt for someone to just ask her with prolonged eye contact how she’s doing. Maybe one of her family members? I mean we go from her burning her gym down (and acting ho hum LOL I BURNED MY GYM DOWN about it) to chopping a fringe because her forehead is ugly. Brit…girl…it’s a known warning not to cut bangs after a breakup for a reason. Bangs are ALWAYS a regret. And let me be probably the first but certainly not the last to say WOOF. What is happening here?!

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🌹🌹🌹

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PS as many of you basic bitches know, Teej/Marshalls/Homegoods finally opened back up again this week. Women everywhere who just love a bargain flocked to their doors, my mom being one of them. There’s just a thirst that we all have within us for cheap clothes and shoes that we probably don’t need and it’s been so many months since we’ve been able to drink a tall glass of Maxxinista. I sent my mom out to test the waters and see how things were going (scope out lines and idiot crowds) and report back. Afterward, I made my first Teej trip and gave her strict instructions not to allow me to buy a bunch of stupid shit that I don’t need as I’m trying to save money and she obliged. We walked in and went our separate ways where I proceeded to pull clothes of racks at rapid speed. That’s when I stumbled upon a black graphic tee with a variation of the 2001 “Britney” album cover and my need for pop culture graphic tees TOOK OVER. It was only 8 dollars (on clearance of course) and when I presented all of my things to my mom, I fully expected that to be the first to get bounced as “shit I didn’t need.” But AU CONTRAIR, Cin told me I DID NEED THIS BRITNEY SHIRT. And now I’m the proud owner of a tee that every time I rock, I will shout It’s Britney, Bitch! And that brings me more joy than $8 could ever buy. It’s only slightly concerning that when I brought it home and modeled it for my dad he asked me if those were her new bangs. BRITNEY SPEARS GETTING BANGS WAS SUCH NEWS THAT MY DAD HEARD ABOUT IT. Also, upon my first outing to Dunks in my new tee, a GrubHub driver picking up his order shouted BRITNEY! and when I realized he was talking to me he launched into a full convo about what Britney’s son has been “tweetering.” So basically not only do I look cool as hell in this shirt, it’s also a hot topic for conversation in public. WHAT A FIND.

 

BONUS: Here’s your favorite part of the JUice where I hawk my own TikToks. Unfortunately I have some very solemn news for you all. I’ve regressed on the Tok. While I once was booming with thousands of views, I now REGULARLY post videos that get 0 views. TikTok does not appreciate my brand of comedy and I am incredibly disappointed in them. I’m SORRY I CAN’T DANCE. I’M SORRY I’M NOT THE MOST BOOOOORING PERSON EVER. So watch my Tiktoks if you want. Or keep them at 0 views. WHATEVER. I’m going to keep making them because THEY MAKE ME LAUGH.

@thesaltyju

Dunkin knows just how I like it. #milkandsugar #icedcoffeeaddict #dunkslife #nationaldonutday #fyp #theoffice #michaelscott

♬ original sound – ambertygart8

@thesaltyju

All it took was three months of wearing loungewear for me to give 0 F’s. #90skids #iloveit #bikeshortsftw #fashion #savedbythebell #fyp

♬ original sound – thesaltyju

And obviously, I can’t talk about my bomb ass new shirt without strutting it, MAMA.

@thesaltyju

The only reason I purchased this shirt. #itsbritneybitch #graphictees #90skids #gimmemore #hallwayrunway #fyp

♬ original sound – thesaltyju

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Music, Playlist

Quaran-tunez Dance Party

Let’s have some real talk. Things suck right now for a whole lot of people. There’s death and anxiety and uncertainty and for us who are just sitting at home, we’re feeling cooped up but also feeling like we can’t complain about it because there are people out there busting their asses to save lives and make sure the planet isn’t wiped out. It’s a pretty depressing time all around and boy oh boy do I know a thing or two about depression. You know what I also know is a cold, hard fact though? That it is completely IMPOSSIBLE not to smile or laugh while you’re dancing. Dancing is such a weird concept. You flail your limbs around to music and sometimes people just sit there and watch and sometimes people join in and also throw their extremities around. How can you NOT be entertained by that? Ever since I’ve made it my life goal to perfect ONE dance video (read about that HERE), I decided to kick things off with a bangin playlist for a Quarantine Dance Party, because you have to have a GIANT dump in your pants to not feel happier after getting your groove on. It’s scientific fact. PS – I’m no fitness expert but go ahead and count this as a workout because I was VERY sore after learning my first TikTok dance and that has to count for something. JIGGLE TIL IT HURTS Y’ALL.

1. Can’t Stop the Feeling – Justin Timberlake. It is beyond weird to me that this song was created for a children’s trolls movie because it is without a doubt JT’s best dance banger. (Overall best song is Mirrors and it ain’t even an argument so don’t come at me.) I mean it’s literally in the title, I can’t stop the feeling that I want to boogie my face off when this jam comes on. It was released a few weeks before my sister’s wedding and when the DJ played it, I happened to be in the bathroom and I quite literally cleaned up shop and came charging out so I wouldn’t miss a minute of dance, dance, dancing.

2. Party in the USA – Miley Cyrus. Though this song requires much less fancy footwork and much more seaweed arms, it’s still a requirement for every party. Party can’t start in the USA until Miley hops off the plane at LAX. Kicks aren’t required for this dance party but encouraged if it makes you move better without falling because you have hardwood floors or something. Not that I would know from experience or anything. Please don’t sue me if you fall and injure yourself from dancing so hard to my kickass playlist.

3. Come Alive – Cast of The Greatest Showman. It’s no secret if you’ve read this blog before or listened to my pump it up playlist that I have a very large boner for the movie The Greatest Showman. I don’t even like musicals and this one had it all that even a naysayer like me who thinks breaking into song mid conversation is ridic won’t stop talking about it three years later. If I ever need to be in a good mood, I slap on this soundtrack and pretend I’m a performer in PT Barnum’s circus. This one really gets the juices flowing because it’s the beginning of the movie when they’re all excited and ready to rock n roll, just like you are at your dance party. It’ll make you want to snap your way over to a door and kick it right down.

4. Want to Want Me – Jason Derulo. Couldn’t have a dance off without JAY-SuNNn De-ROOOO-LOOOOWWW (sing in autotune voice or get the hell out of my face.) There has never been a more out of place pair than when my sister and I decided to go see Jason for a free concert at the NYS Fair, showed up several hours early to get seats and wait on a disgustingly hot August day, almost got edged out of our seats by concert bullies and then took part in a group learning of his “skeerrttt PULL UP” dance move. You’d think learning moves from Jason himself would make me a natural, but alas, I’m still white.

5. Barcelona – Ed Sheeran. It’s important for everyone to hear this. I revisited Ed’s Divide album the other day on a bike ride and what a PIECE OF ART that thing is. Ed went from dropping irish jigs about his grandparents getting married on the Wexford border, to rapping, to showing his hispanic flair on two tracks and then bringing it way down with some sobsies break up and love songs. Let it be known that Ed has THE MOST RANGE. I went from wiggling my hips off my bike seat, swerving all over the road to feeling like I needed to pull over for a good cry because HE WAS HAPPIER WITH YOU, YOU TROLLOP, AND YOU’RE DATING SOMEONE ELSE NOW! Anyway, got carried away there. The point of that long-winded story is to tell you why I needed this deep cut on my dance playlist. It’s under-appreciated, I LOVE a latin beat I can swing my hips to, and sometimes I just really need a man calling me mamacita to spice things up. Te Amo, Ed. Gracias por esta canción que me dan ganas de bailar. Besos.

6. Queen of the Night – Whitney Houston. OooOhhHh Shit we needed some Whitney to take things to the next level. When I asked my sister which Whitney song to choose, we listened to each one and each one made us want to jive so it was really a tough decision that had to be made. But that’s what I’m here for. To make the tough decisions about what song I should force you to dance to. And Queen of the Night just has that undeniable 80’s beat right from the top. So make yourself the Queen of your kitchen and sing into the slotted spoon while you do the running man.

7. Forever – Chris Brown. I’ve used this on one of my playlists before and typically my hard and fast rule is that I don’t repeat songs across playlists/blogs–and since I’ve been shoving these playlists at you for 5 years, that’s actually become quite difficult. BUT THIS SONG DESERVES A REPEAT. Not because of Chris Brown. He sucks and honestly I wish he didn’t create this masterpiece because we’re supporting a dirtbag by listening to it. But IT IS A MASTERPIECE. It’s pretty much the best dance song of all time and honestly if you get married and don’t have this at your reception, I hope your marriage ends in divorce because that’s what you deserve for leaving out the staple that created the JK Wedding Dance entrance and subsequent parodies, especially Dwight Schrute kicking a bridesmaid directly in the face hole. The end.

8. Please Don’t Stop the Music – Rihanna. It’s no coincidence that the songs are in this order. Get all your CB grooves out and then swiftly move on to the QUEEN. The SURVIVOR. Ri Ri has taken a whole lot of years off and I really think she’s due for a comeback, but also nothing will ever top 2007 Good Girl Gone Bad Ri Ri. Pre-Chris Brown dumping all over her face and her life. She was just releasing dance smashes and over pronouncing umbrella and life was good.

9. What A Man Gotta Do – Jonas Brothers. I like to say that I’m not a huge JoBros fan and all but I genuinely have become one with their comeback. Those bros know what they’re doing and they’re killin the game. This is my favorite song that they’ve released and they probably took a marketing class from Tay because they coincided the release with the height of TikTok and had people learn the video choreography and duet with them. Also they ripped the choreography straight from Grease but that’s neither here nor there. This song is a bangpiece.

10. Shake It Off – Taylor Swift. Since I’m such a Tay stan, I really wanted to go deep here because there’s so many jams that need love that she’s put out in her career. When I sampled some for my sister, a Tay hater, it became clear that I had to do an obvious dance hit or get the hell out of her house. So we had to go with this number. I mean it literally has its own dance move and there’s no way you can deny bopping to Taylor saying F you to the haters, PG style obviously. Related but unrelated fun fact: the weirdest thing I’ve done this quarantine was join Nikki Glaser’s Taylor Swift dance party that was literally just 400 people on zoom dancing to her carefully curated Swifty playlist. Natch, I disabled my video and only joined in hopes that Taylor herself would show up. She didn’t. But I did get to giggle at a lot of strangers dancing and dramatic lip syncing in their living room (and one real exxtra girl do some pole dancing.) Good times all around.

11. Die Young – Ke$ha. I originally had Timber on here because nothing can top the time I ran around the house scream-singing it and almost sprained my ankle but like I said, I’m very strict about my no repeats rule. So let’s love on early, trashy Ke$ha because I feel like that phase is easily forgotten now that she’s taken the dollar sign out of her name and shown us that she can actually sing without auto tune and techno beats. Also, great message here. Live your life and dance away like you’re going to die young. Because if you leave your house there’s a pretty high chance of that. Too dark? Dance it off. Inside.

12. Blinding Lights – The Weeknd. I had to give a nod to the song that my sister and I spent 2 hours learning moves to match the rhythm of LITERALLY 14 seconds. 2+ hours for a 14 second video that we did not nail. But you know what? Memories were made, we believed we got better at dancing and now when we hear this intro we break into cold sweats. WORTH IT. (If you want to dance along and learn the #BlindingLightsChallenge  infinitely faster than us, it goes Dab, sunrise, sunrise, swim, swim, spirit fingers, JUMP.) You’re welcome.

13. Toxic – Britney Spears. I mean there’s really not much I can say about this song. It marked the official turn from teen school girl Disney Britney to I have lots of sex, check out my hot bod in this see-through diamond onesie Brit. Looking back it was probably step one leading to her inevitable breakdown but what a killer classic. Hindsight is 20/20. Toxic is forever.

14. Good to Be Alive (Hallelujah) – Andy Grammer. Ya boy Andy basically took a church hymn and made it pop music. Hallelujah and shake dem hips. It’s a nice message of a song and a reminder that even though things might blow right now, at least you’re alive and dancing and that’s something to be grateful for. Did AG just make me positive?! Whoa. Let that baseline move you and you too, could become a positive Polly.

15. Let’s Get Loud – Jennifer Lopez. I wasn’t going to brag about my close personal texting friendship with JLo and not include one of her heaters. I mean she’s Jenny from the Block. She was a fly girl before she was even a singer. Girl’s got moves. If you’ve ever doubted it, look no further than her CARRYING the Super Bowl halftime show with ease–including a quick core strength upside down pole maneuver just for shits. Anyway, now that I’ve wiped the slobber off of my keyboard just from thinking about that, here’s the only song I wanted her to open with because it’s not only a crowd pleaser, but a party starter.

16. Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now) – C&C Music Factory. No dance playlist in the history of dance playlists can exist without this B screaming EVERYBODY DANCE NOW. So just do what she says, yo. If you’re not sweating by this point, you’re not doing it right. I used to have a gym unit that was literally called Jiggle Til It Hurts and the teacher (who called me Maria for all four years of high school, nbd) would nazi-style yell at us to keep moving like it was FM Hornets Boot Camp and not 5th period gym class where girls wear rolled up Soffe shorts and didn’t want to be sweaty or ruin their hair for the rest of the day at school. I hated that block more than anything and guess what Miss Cauley, I’VE BECOME YOU NOW! I want to see you all serving your best dance moves until this music stops OR ELSE.

17. Pop – N*SYNC. I get that I’m kinda double dipping with the JT here but deal with it. Sometimes you just need a beatbox breakdown to catch your breathe because you feel like you’re going to die because you’ve been dancing for an hour straight. This was when N*SYNC got edgy and Justin shaved his head. They were in a CLUB in this music video. What a time to be alive.

18. Dynamite – Taio Cruz. Remember this MF’er?! Taio deserves a shout out and the closer for this playlist because no one knows where he is now but he created the annoying habit of repeating things 4 times in 2010 and that was a whole lot of fun, fun, fun, fun. Just wrapping up our dance party with some good vibes and our hands in the air. Hopefully this playlist made you dance, dance, dance, dance, smile or even just laugh at the fact that you were wheezing after one song like you just ran a marathon. Just me? Whatever.

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