I tuned into the AMA’s to watch badd bitch Tay throw a ton of side eye and dramatic arm drops and let me tell you, she delivered. It’s no surprise she was my favorite look of the night as well. It IS surprising how generous I was for a group of hooligan youths at an awards show that’s all fan-voted though.
WORST
I’ve seen Ash look better and to be honest I’m pretty sick of her top knot (I watch her reality show and she rarely takes that thing out) and I think it goes without saying that flood pants and a blazer over a bare chest is a hard no, Evan.
This is the kind of red carpet look where you question the team of stylists around you and who told you this was awards show worthy. The hair and dress are god awful.
This is Cardi B. Obviously bitch is loud in everything that she does including chirping and clucking like a goddamn loon instead of speaking actual words. I almost hate it so much that I love it. Almost.
Knocked out two worst dressed in one pic. One in a terrible wedding dress and the other in a bee/zebra inspired costume.
Will 80’s mom ever be chic on a black man? Chuckin the deuces really added to the overall look thooo.
Cruella deWaldorf
Oh, look! It’s the new music act: creepy twins who wear matching cloaks!
How this bid weaseled her way onto a red carpet is beyond me but she looks like a Vegas show girl and that is the most obvious.
What.The.Shit.
This is the face of rap today. This guy. What did we do to deserve this?
This is so so so so boring. Also unrelated but kind of related to the hate I’m feeling toward this outfit: that song Havana makes me wanna rip my ears clean off my head. Double also, tailor your pants.
SHINE BRIGHT, SHINE FAR…get this stupid outfit off Tyra, you’re not a Barbie magically brought to life, you’re a real human wearing a pompom as a skirt paired with a pirates shirt.
BEST
Kind of a random celeb to be at this caliber of awards show but at least she looks good!
Classic bump pic where you can’t even see the bump. Oooh but she giving us that leg, guuuurl.
These two have v. punchable faces but damnit credit where credit is due with some spicy suits and funky shoes.
COBIE! GET IT BOO! Robin Sparkles indeed.
These two typically look like giant assholes so props for announcing they’re back together via red carpet and also looking fly as hell. G Eazy is pulling off those leather pants and Halsey isn’t wearing silk lingerie for once!
Ultimate pony sass.
There really are no words for JLo’s hotness anymore. Just assume she will forever be on the best dressed because she’s a babe soda who never ages.
I’m into this picnic jacket and I don’t really know why.
Seriously people stop doing the peace sign on the red carpet. You look like a dweebosaurus. Other than that, well done!
TR. What a cutie patootie.
I guess I was feeling extra generous tonight because I imagined her to be wearing something so much worse that when I saw this I was like ok, you’re good.
Daaaaammmn.
SPARKLE JACKET ALERT.
I mean. Come on. I need those boots and I needed them yesterday. Well, the whole outfit will do.
I often like to milk two blogs out of awards shows and even though barely anyone reads these recaps, I laugh at myself while writing them, and that’s truly what is most important. Here’s the top five things to take away from last night’s AMA’s, which packed a lot of good performances into an awards show that gives out fake awards to whoever shows up, basically.
1. Selena is OV-ER-RATED, clap, clap, clapclapclap.
Everyone was buzzing about her performance because she’s made it VERY WELL KNOWN that it was her only live performance of this year due to GETTING A NEW KIDNEY and everything. Well, it sucked. Real hard. She basically came onstage just to writhe around a car in a white nightie, covered in fake blood. Girl didn’t even attempt to lip sync. At one point I’m pretty sure she fell asleep on top of said car. If she didn’t, then I sure as hell did because it was a REAL snooze. Also, can everyone stop associating her Lupus/kidney surgery with everything that she does? She’s recovered. It’s not like she walked out of the hospital to give this performance and couldn’t dance too hard or else risk popping stitches. Chill on it. Notably absent from cheering her on, though? Biebs. He seems like a super supportive BF.
2. Xtina is dead. Haven’t seen ole Xtina in a while (apparently people have forgotten how her last name is pronounced) and suddenly she’s doing a Whitney tribute and the only reason I knew it was really her was because she held her ear and waved her hand up and down when she did vocal riffs. Otherwise, who is this woman with Kylie Jenner lips and how did she get the honor of singing a Whit medley?
Since we now know that it really was her…and that People is crediting “natural makeup” for her completely transformed face, it would be wrong of me to say that she didn’t crush it because she has a powerhouse voice. Even if Pink DID give her stank face. (lolzzzzzz firing up an old Lady Marmalade feud, what The Salty Ju does best)
3. Pink makes acrobats cool again. SPEAKING OF PINK, as soon as I heard “and Pink will be making history with a performance from the sky”, I audibly groaned. You guys KNOW how much I hated the played out ribbons performance. It’s like for 3 years that’s all she knew how to do at awards shows. Well I bit my tongue real quick because what followed was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. I mean she literally went face down off the side of a building while performing. I was getting naush just looking at it, so you have to be another level of badass to be like yup I’m staring at the ground 500 ft away from me and just crushing choreography and singing. She won the night and that’s pretty obvious.
The Ross family was a focal point of the evening as Tracee Ellis Ross hosted and Diana Ross received a “you’re still alive and killin it” award, so obviously I was all about seeing how former punk rock princess Ashlee fit into this family dynamic. Turns out, her and that beautiful specimen Evan created one of the most adorable babies on this earth. During Diana’s performance the camera panned to her singing along and just living her damn life as a famous toddler. But then, as soon as she was pulled onstage at the end, she froze and pooped her diaper. Ashlee quickly turned into a stage mom dancing off to the side to get her kid to perform for the cameras and it was a real failure.
What a whirlwind of emotions it was keeping up with that family though. Props to her grandson who not only showed off his best dance moves right in Jagger’s grillpiece (stage fright doesn’t extend to all of the Ross children) but also jacked the mic to tell his grandma that he’s so proud and go off script giving every producer of this show a G-D heart attack. You da real MVP.
I legitimately had to google BTS after they flashed the camera to a bunch of Asians with the same haircut over and over again. The internet said these guys came out with their first single in 2013. TWO THOUSAND THIRTEEN?! I graduated college then. THAT WAS A LONG ASS TIME AGO. And they’re supposedly famous?! You shut your whore mouth. I patiently waited for them to take the stage to see what it is that they offered that would make them “mega international superstars.” Wanna know what they did? They had robot auto tune voices (I’m assuming this music was created in a studio just with a computer) that sang in a different language, and these matching mushroom cut boys danced to it. That was it. Girls knew the words and were legit in TEARS over this performance. WHAT AM I MISSING HERE?! WHAT HAS THIS WORLD COME TO?!
I’m gonna be honest, the AMA’s are usually a hot pile of garbage trainwreck, but they really pulled their shit together this year with some good performances. Fashionwise, it was pretty much what you would expect from a bunch of young popstars.
WORST
If we’re now cool with people rolling down the red carpet in basically sweatpants then I’m out.
It became evident very quickly that the trend last night was for a skinny mini to wear the tightest, clingiest dress and make herself look like a cased sausage. This is Exhibit A. There were unfortunately about 100 others, leading to my friend and I to question if every single female was pregnant throughout the course of the show. Clean it up, ladies.
I’m really over this, “I just dunked myself in the ocean and showed up for this awards show” trend that Kimmy K unfortunately had to start for us.
Woofie.
You know hating on Nicole Kidman’s looks is what I do best. She looks like she could hop on a broom at a moment’s notice.
Pink looked A BAJILLION times better for both her performances so I gotta call bullshit on this one.
WET. Another case of someone who looked WAY better for their performance. Living for the glitz.
Just because you’re an icon does not mean you can wear Payless silver bedazzled cork-heeled sandals with this black mosquito netting monstrosity.
Shoutout to this year’s host who went from unflattering skintight number to a collection of some of the worst outfits I’ve ever seen, including one where her nips were out and another where she was wearing her weight in mismatched turquoise.
BEST
I’m digging these bling AF boots. Really shakes up the boardroom blazer dress.
When does Lea not look good though?
Even though I just talked some shit on the “wet” look, this one is fine because it’s Jenna and she’s a babe soda.
As a recently bandwagoned Demi superfan, I approve.
Mah gurl Ashlee is making a comeback in this glitzy gown.
I’m torn here. Because Kelly doesn’t look the best she’s ever looked but she also doesn’t look the worst. Throwing her a bone here because I dig the dark lip and straight locks.
Selena’s trying out the bad girl thing. Whatever, we’ll allow it for now. She knows she can’t compete with Bad Girl Tay but dying her hair blonde, wearing a leather jacket as a dress and being back on that Bieber good good is getting her close enough.
What a stud. Check out that hair swoop.
Is there a particular reason why Nick is holding his junk?
Since the AMA’s were surprisingly dece, here’s a quick 5 point highlight reel of the show–a conversational piece for your Monday morning at work. (If you happen to work with teenagers.)
1. I’ve had enough visuals to last a lifetime from the song Side to Side.
I get that Ariana is 23 and old enough to be singing about sex but she still looks like she’s 12 and frankly it gives me all of the uncomfies to watch her simulate this onstage. After this performance and grinding line I was waiting for someone’s bracelet to get snipped and for them to get tossed from the stage ala high school dance grinding rules. Pat on the back that my bracelet was never cut because chaperones can’t get to you if you’re in the middle of the mosh, so HA.
2. Chainsmoker #2 really embracing being the dad of the group.
It sucks to not be the hot one but respect to #2 for driving that point home with his Guy Fieri sunburst shirt and also having a complete stroke onstage while accepting their award. YIKES.
OMG they both did Apple Music commercials with each other’s songs in it, THEY’RE TOTALLY DATING. But seriously, this would’ve been funnier if it was a slow song like All Too Well. Either way, I can appreciate it and also the fact that Meek Mill has been buried for like a solid year and Drake is still stomping on his grave every chance he gets. The last minute “WATCH HOW YOU SPEAK ON MY NAME” was killer. Would’ve been more killer with a camera pan to Nicki Minaj.
4. What a Taylor Swift-less audience looks like.
Without our girl to sway and toss those seaweed arms into the air, I noticed that we got a lot of glances at random pre-teens singing along and middle aged men dancing like no one was watching. We were all watching. My first piece of advice to anyone in a crowd where there might be a camera ever, is if you’re not 100% confident you have the right words, do not sing. Sure this girl wide mouth singing a bunch of random words made me laugh out loud but also now it’s caught on camera forever and I spent about 20 minutes this morning making a gif of it. (This also made me late for work…priorities.) Selena also stepped into the spotlight for a much-needed Sting clap break. Because Message in a Bottle NEVER gets old.
Holy crap, Beliebers. IT WAS AN UPBEAT SONG. Stop the tears! Gonna be honest, Let Me Love You is one of the few JB songs that I can get down with and these sobbing little bitches really killed my vibe. Maybe they’re crying because Justin yelled at them all again for screaming during his concert? That’s the only explanation.
5b. What is this microphone.
I know that I said I would only list five things but I lied because I want to yap about the fact that Lady Gaga had a totes emotional slow song performance but all I could focus on was the fact that this MASSIVE headset’s mic was basically inside of her throat as she sang. Since I work in the biz (barely) I know that there are much more discreet mics that still pick up the same amount of sound so choosing this one for a televised awards show is a real weird move. Was anticipating a mid-high note choke but she made it through like a champ.
BONUS: The fact that I specifically googled both Shawn and Niall’s ages before adding this in for a little BTS swoon sesh says everything about how much of a creep I am. For the record, Shawn is 18 and Niall is 23 so IT’S TOTALLY FINE TO BE ATTRACTED TO THIS, GIRLS.
Should an awards show even be allowed to happen when the big three aren’t attending?
Taylor Swift arrives at the 58th annual Grammy Awards at the Staples Center on Monday, Feb. 15, 2016, in Los Angeles. (Photo by Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP)
Justin Timberlake arrives at the 49th annual CMA Awards at the Bridgestone Arena on Wednesday, Nov. 4, 2015, in Nashville, Tenn. (Photo by Evan Agostini/Invision/AP)
No, they should not. But that didn’t stop the AMA’s from plunging forward with beautiful person but not very experienced host/speaker Gigi Hadid at the helm. Jay Pharoah helped out with his Jay-Z impersonation, but I’ve never heard more presenter stuttering in my whole career of judging awards shows. Aside from the stammers and middle-aged man crowd dancing, let’s check out threads.
WORST.
Halsey’s really digging the hails from a different planet vibe. I am not.
What a jabroni DJ Khlaed is.
I don’t even know who this is but it doesn’t matter because they came dressed as a snapchat filter and it is outrageous.
That is enough, Chrissy.
This wrapping paper jumpsuit gives me the dizzies.
These guys look fine but they both have faces that I kind of want to punch. It probably has something to do with the fact that they’re known doucheronis.
Well this is new. A cargo jumpsuit.
This dress screams youth. JK she borrowed it from a Real Housewives exotic vacation, right?
Idina can get it but not in this firework number.
Everything about this screams trainwreck. Is Bella trying to tell us something here?
This is a 2002 VMA’s outfit.
Gigi, I love you girl. You’re like, really pretty. But no.
This is a pretty weird pastel Barbie situation.
BEST.
Blue was very in last night, apparently.
My heart skipped a beat when Hannah appeared on my screen and said “I’m Hannah Jeter” and for that reason I couldn’t put her on the worst dressed even though I don’t love this number.
This is how you slay when you’re twice the age of the average AMAs guest.
Check out this little nugget rocking the teal suit.
Oh ok most annoying Barden Bella. I see you.
John Legend showing us a diverse but very real jacket game last night.
Unexpectedly fully on board with the Donster in a cotton candy velour blazer. He’s stealing the shine from Jenny’s sass in the back.
Gaga’s really attached to these types of hats lately so I’ll let it slide. The white power suit really brings out her rack.
Sharp-dressed host.
I’m an open Ariana h8er but she’s werkin this. Plus I’ve been sneaking the half up Ariana pony into my hairstyle rotation lately and it seems hypocritical to always shit on her.
Selena making a spicy comeback from her brief Lupus (?) hiatus.
Just looking at this picture, I hate this but after seeing her present I decided this steal your man’s button down inspired look has my stamp of approval on Taraji.
In case you haven’t heard, Ciara’s pregnant. Her and Russell tried out the whole sex thing.
Shiny hot pants!
Best look of the night by MILES:
Never fancied myself a Niall chick but SHIT he cleaned up nice for his solo debut, which of course caused a flood in the arena.
I guess E! is just as excited to jumpstart awards season as I am because they started red carpet coverage at dinner time. Giuliana was unbearable interviewing actual celebrities so I can’t even begin to imagine what the first hour of the red carpet was like when nobody was there. Especially since her riveting line of questions included “what’s the difference between American girls and Australian girls, no bullshit answer.” Leave it to G to ask the hard-hitting Q’s. We only have more of that to look forward to in the coming winter months.
WORST:
This is Tove Lo and it’s possible she had the worst dress of the night. When asked about it she said all the important parts are on display. Thank you for showing us your pikachu and rack, Tove. Here in America we don’t love that.
BARRETTES. CHLOE GRACE MORETZ IS WEARING BARRETTES AND A BLACK CHOKER.
Sucks that you have to walk the red carpet with your supermodel sister but like wearing dominatrix leather only made things worse.
PAULA. You’re 53! I do NOT want to see your RB curts.
There has got to be a better way for Rebel to dress for her body type than this trash bag.
What a subdued outfit for such a shy personality.
I have no words.
OMG Slutty Cindy Lou Who!
Not only is this impractical because every time she walks she flashes everyone AND her 90’s platforms make her travel at a snail’s pace, but it’s also butt ugly.
I feel like this is a real front and back wedgie sitch waiting to happen.
Ashley Benson is ready to take on a job interview.
Leave it to Biebs to wear a tee of a band he knows nothing about with some ripped jeans like a punk.
The dress isn’t the worst thing in the world but this vamp hair/makeup is killing me.
Gwen has transformed into a skanky black butterfly!
mEh.
This is a prom dress. 100%.
HARRY. Gawd. This suit. Also, trim those locks.
BEST:
This isn’t my favorite Selena look but she’s still pulling it off.
3 out of 4 in 1D dressed like suave gentlemen and I commend them for that.
Kelsea Ballerini showing off tasteful cleavage–take notes, Christina Milian.
Wilmer would’ve upstaged Demi if they posed togets.
Charlie Puth keeping things spicy in a red suit.
COULD be a longer frock, but Kendall never really looks bad, especially when she stands next to Kylie.
Can always count on Luke to look droolworthy. His wife’s alright, I guess.
I don’t LOVE this but it’s not horrendous enough to hit the worst dressed. Something weird’s happening around her boob region and I don’t know that Jeets would approve.
Kinda hard to mess anything up with a plain black dress
Turtleneck CHIC.
I wanted to post this picture because it made me laugh out loud. The lead singer/guy HAMMING in the white shirt is clearly the hottest group member and he knows it. The one on the right is trying, but can’t compete with white shirt’s natural sex appeal.
Ciara wore this scandalous dress showing off her hot bod to be STUCK in the T-mobile corner for the entire show.
I can get down with a little cape from time to time. I think Carrie’s rockin it.
I went back and forth on this one for a while. On the one hand this is a whole lot. On the other hand Gigi has the perfect model bod and looks smokin hot.
Congrats to Zendaya who made the best dressed list for dressing the most normal she’s ever dressed. She’s going all Lilly Pulitzer on us.
1. Channing Tatum. On the press circuit for Magic Mike:More Male Twerking to Ginuwine Music (Official title obv.) Channing has been flaunting those abzz and his dirty teenage boy humor all over the place. I don’t hate it one bit. After riding a float in last weekend’s Pride parade in LA with Matt Bomer (SWOON), he also did an AMA this week and let us in on some key Channing secrets.
In summary: He also gets lost in Matt Bomer’s eyes “made of dreams, rainbows and amazingness.” He learned how to dance by clubbin in Florida, there will be no full frontal nudity in Magic Mike XXL but there is little left to the imagination, he hearts pinterest and carebears, he adds cheetos to his PB&J, and he’s named is penis Gilbert. Welp there you have it folks. The most important tidbits from the mind of Channing. If you have a better attention span than me, you can read the full AMA here.
2. Hilary Duff brings back Lizzie Mcguire Movie Isabella accent. Hilary Duff’s shitty Italian accent MAKES the Lizzie McGuire movie pretty much golden. A loyal fan asked her this week to reenact it while she was promoting her new album and she happily obliged and I watched it and was embarrassed for her all over again. What a gem to entertain Lizzie McGuire fangirls. Fingers crossed she actually makes an Isabella dubsmash. That would be what dreams are made of.
3. Tim Riggins is single, everyone form a line behind me.
While being interviewed for Elle magazine, Taylor Kitsch (forever and always Riggs) admits he’s single because he chooses not to balance a relationship with his hectic lifestyle. He wouldn’t want to ask a woman to wait for him for several weeks at a time while he’s doing press or filming. I’d just like to put it in writing for all the internet to hear, I will wait an indefinite amount of time for you, Riggs. Just let me know when you’re ready, no regrets. (coincidentally also his personal email sign off…sigh.)
4. Aziz Ansari and Jimmy Fallon show everyone how bad guys are at texting. Aziz just released a new book about how dating today sucks and to prove his point him and JFall played a little game called let’s remind girls how terrible guys are at texting. They read some embarrassing opening lines and I would like everyone who is in a relationship to have a moment of silence for what all of us single ladiezzz are dealing with. Although to be clear, it’s not just texting. I once had a guy who was chatting with me fart and then take a lap to air it out before returning and announcing that he just farted. Crushed it.
5. Kim K is a dum dum and everyone made fun of her. This doesn’t kount as Kardashian knews because I’m really just reporting on the bits that made fun of her…much more entertaining for all. Anyway, Kimmy wrote future Kimmy a letter that was so stupid I couldn’t even listen to more than one second of it. I could, however, listen to both Jimmy Kimmel and James Corden mock it on each of their shows. Enjoi.
BONUS: While people are getting chomped on by sharks left and right (not funny, literally my greatest fear) Zac Efron is riding sharks in Hawaii.
WHY in the history of music awards shows the top picks for hosts are LL Cool J and Pitbull is easily the greatest mystery of the world. It’s no secret that my hate for Pitbull/Mr. Worldwide/ Mr. 305 is to the moon and back so I’m going to try my best to ignore his antics and focus on the other parts of the show. (Key word here is try…I make no promises).
The opening performance of the night is our very own Ms. Taylor Swift performing Blank Space for the first time live. You all probably think I’m going to bow down to whatever she does but I’m mature enough to admit that this performance was all sorts of wrong. It was essentially a live action version of the music video and it was way too much. The sound sucked and Taylor felt the need to out-crazy the video version of herself and it was just plain scary. There were special fx flames left and right and guys being poisoned by apples and I didn’t know where to look. Her over-acted expressive crazy eyes were all over the place and it was pretty terrifying. She ended the performance with a smirk and a new man coming through a prop door with roses. Way to stick the landing but certainly not her best performance.
Remember how I said that I wasn’t going to focus on Mr. 305? I lied. Sue me. Dale. Pitbull took his hosting time to remind us all that he is in fact Cuban/Latino and essentially turned the awards into a bilingual broadcast. He declared that when he speaks Spanish the ratings go up, which is interesting because nothing made me want to turn off my TV more. After every commercial break we were promptly reminded that he speak Spanish, he also educated us all on what an Instagram filter is. It’s a good thing he was around because the Awards clearly could not have functioned without him. We were also blessed with a performance from him and this included his latest song Fireball which has singlehandedly ruined my favorite drink. Thanks for nothing, Pitbull.
Best Moments:
-One Direction won a bunch of awards and group hugged every time and we all got to hear them say “massive, massive thank you” in their cutesicle accents. Their performance took place in a grassy field and there was lots of tingly eye contact with the camera.
-Ariana Grande performed a stripped down medley like a classy cabaret singer in a black lace dress.
-Selena Gomez performs “The Heart Wants What It Wants” for the first time and gives us all the feels. She looked amazing in a long champagne colored gown with her hair down in waves, the backdrop was super moody and got a little distracting at times (chunky crying mascara eyes). Her pre-song blabbering was part of the performance unfortunately, but there was a part where some realistic wings came into play and I actually thought she might fly off the stage. Was really banking on a buildup to a sob sesh at the end but her grand finale was just some wet eyes. BOOOOOO. Don’t worry though because Taylor supplied them in full. Girl was a one woman broadway act last night. I usually cherish her audience cam moments for some awkward dancing but tonight was over the top.
-Speaking of Taylor stealing the show, she was awarded the first ever Dick Clark Award of Excellence, presented by Diana Ross who needed to be reminded that women don’t cover their face in blush anymore. We get to see a highlight reel of Tay’s general awesomeness and then she gets up to accept the award and kisses everyone in her posse (noticeably absent: Lena Dunham). Tay slobbers all over Diana Ross and how great she is and then talks directly to me when she thanks her fans for buying CD’s still. You’re welcome, T.
-The “Bang Bang” performance was pretty great and it’s a summer song that I can still get down with. Jessie J started out the song in the audience bopping around from celeb to celeb. She started with Khloe Kardashian who booty bumped her right on over to Tay’s crew, because of course. Jessie J learned quickly not to get down with Taylor Swift unless you want the spotlight ripped from your hands. Lorde tries to get in on it as well but we all shield our eyes. Then Ariana Grande takes it away onstage with a chair dance and a typical inapprops outfit & of course Nicki Minaj comes back out to play and is in her normal skanky uniform again. Joke’s over. They move back out to the audience to writhe around and it becomes clear that Nicki is above mingling with others.
Worst Moments:
-Charli XCX’s performance of “Boom Clap” which was straight out of every 90’s prom scene in the movies and quickly turned into her stripping into a latex outfit with a studded choker dancing around with some goth freaks and touching her boobs.
-Magic performs Rude, except it’s no longer summer and the song has lost it’s catchy appeal. Wyclef Jean joins them onstage and it is pretty much a stoner jam sesh. They take it to the audience and serenade a random girl who clearly doesn’t know what to do.
-Nicki Minaj performs a slower song wearing a floor length, long sleeve white gown trying to trick us all into thinking she’s an angel and not the disgusting hoe that showed us all her butthole during her Anaconda performance a mere few months ago at the VMA’s.
-Josh Duhamel introduces Fergie to perform “LA Love” and I’m reminded again how a perfect specimen like Josh married Fergalicious…and then made a kid with her. This song is offensively bad. I expected Harajuku girls to appear in the performance. It was so loud with so many colors and made my eyes hurt. At the end, Fergie strips a layer off and it gets stuck to her butt.
-JLo & Iggy’s “Booty” being the final performance of the night. Enough with the butts. So over it.
Things that made me question everything:
-Boy band Five Seconds of Summer performs a cover of What I Like About You. Is this even legal? Can a band perform a cover at an awards show like it’s karaoke night?
-During Iggy Azalea’s performance she was wearing a leotard, reenacting an 80’s exercise video and patted her vag far too many times for comfort.
-Lorde gives us a typical weirdo freak performance of her staring at the camera with dead witchy eyes and having an exorcism onstage and I was afraid. Taylor gets a lot of screen time dancing to her scary goth friend’s performance. She ends the song by smearing her black lipstick all over her face and Tay does her surprised face. I also had a surprised face at the fact that these two are friends.
-Lil Wayne has a quick performance with Christina Millian in red lingerie. Remember when she was irrelevant and the social media girl for The Voice? Christina provides some backup vocals and grinds all over Lil Wayne. Thanks for coming.
-Luke Bryan is there to present and not gyrate onstage. WHO SANCTIONED THIS? He also won an award and had lipstick on because he made out with his hot wife and stuck a dagger in my heart.
-Katy Perry wins an award and a Katy Perry robot, much like a hologram, accepts on her behalf via recording. If the robot ran out of battery and died mid-thank you I think it would’ve been less awkward than what actually happened.
-McDreamy being the first person to present an award. Was he lost? I’m confused.
-Iggy Azalea accepts an award wearing a frumpy business suit that I would expect a middle aged woman to wear with a pair of white sensible walking sneaks on the way to her cubicle for the day. She also had a huge crimped ponytail to sweeten the outfit.
-Garth Brooks with a satellite performance? Could this be more out of place?
-Every commercial break, Kohl’s had an extensive ad featuring children scream-singing Let It Go and I wished harmful things upon everyone involved in the making of this commercial and also Frozen.
-It is mind bottling that everyone is OBSESSED over scrutinizing the Harry Styles/Taylor Swift relationship or hatefest and yet there wasn’t ONE camera glance of either of their reactions to the other winning or performing. Do the producers of the AMA’s know what makes good TV? The answer is a hard no…because they chose Pitbull to host 2 years in a row.
Final thoughts- If you follow me on twitter (and you should) you know that for the past year or so I’ve been live tweeting every awards show regardless of how awesomely bad it is…exhibit A. This started about a year ago when my friend and I decided that our opinions were hilarious and important and vital to every awards show. Apparently our tradition has gotten a little out of hand because here is last night’s commentary from each of us without us being remotely anywhere near each other. We’ve morphed into one twitter awards show monster and you all should be frightened.
(click to enlarge)
Follow @LindseyReilly for all of your award show needs and all other things hilarious, cause she’s awesome. We will be tag teaming all awards season this year so please mentally prepare yourselves for those judgements to come.
I expressed my excitement for the AMA’s today and both of my sisters asked me if I was 12. The answer is a hard yes. The AMA’s are maybe one step above the VMA’s in maturity level and I don’t even curr. Let’s judge how the tweens and young adult pop singers of this year dressed for such an event. Apparently if you didn’t have at least one full leg out to play, you were a nobody. I personally preferred the nobodies.
Worst Dressed:
Zendaya wearing some satin sheets and a bandeau bikini top.
Is stripper gold costume material back in style and I missed the memo? Jordin Sparks needed to step it up and show Jason DeRulo that she’s lookin like a dime.
More sparkles, more leg. Are we seeing a trend here? Leave the crops to the young’ns Heidi.
If the leg wasn’t so forceful I would actually like this dress.
Ok Morticia Adams, we get it, you have D cups. Charli XCX going nips out for the awards.
Happy Thanksgiving, the turkey has arrived!
This looks like a homemade dress for the sorority 80’s party, only thing missing is a scrunchie.
Magic looking like they stumbled out of a thrift shop (I’d bet money that they did) smelling of incense.
Imagine Dragons with a weird bib shirt, 60’s shades vibe. Hipsters, man.
Hey JLo, I know you invented the “booty” and all but you’re 45 and this is no longer an acceptable article of clothing to be wearing in public.
Best Dressed:
One Direction with some leopard accents. YAS.
Could do without the snake necklace on Kate Beckinsale but the dress is perfection.
Simple and classy, plus an obnoxious lips clutch for sass. Megan Trainor shows us you don’t need to have a slit up to your vagina to look good.
Selena with the tight black dress and open back giving the Biebs a taste of what he’s missing.
Becky G looking cute as a button with a sassy pony and approps party dress.
This dress is pretty stupid but I’m kinda digging on the crazy updo with the headband.
Nicki making my best dressed list because she is the most covered I have ever seen her and I encourage this wholeheartedly.
I’m digging Rita Ora’s yellow ball gown a lot. There’s coverage and a nice change up of color.
Lucy Hale with another classic short cocktail dress and simple hair/makeup look. Girl knows how to play the awards show game, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.
I didn’t see a lot of nice men red carpet pics, so I’m including this for gender equality purposes. Nick Jonas with a real uncomfy pose but a nice dapper suit.
Julianne Hough with a saucy summer number that I don’t hate. Get it, gurl.
Stay tuned for my full recap post-awards. I can give you a teaser right now that the awards are a straight up trainwreck and I should win something just for watching them in full. I do it all for my fans.
The Salty Ju 