JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 2/25/19

1. JoBros Are Back.

No more purity rings for these bros, they’re all spoken for and they do sex now. And what a way to show us all that they do! I mean that scene with Sophie licking her lips at Joe suspended naked from the ceiling? Hot damn! And they’re the only couple that isn’t married! Spicy. I get that they were trying to go for a Taylor Swift in a bath tub full of diamonds or standing on a horse in her yard levels of asshole richness for this video, but I gotta be honest, this doesn’t really seem that far-fetched. I mean they literally just spent a month in India throwing the most lavish wedding celebration ever. I bet they filmed this there too. At like Pri’s family house or something. Also important to note: this video was an open invitation to the gun show, hosted by none other than Nick. Rich or not, Nick would like everyone to know he’s having a steamy affair with lifting weights with the amount he’s been going sleeveless lately. I’m surprised he didn’t pop the top errr fancy patterned trench coat for this formal painted portrait at the end. Cement those swole ‘ceps into history. Anyway, now that I feel like I’ve adequately ripped this vid to shreds, let’s talk about how I don’t hate the song at all and I’ll be turning up to it this weekend. When I have an extra glass of wine before popping in the ole Redbox. THE JONAS BROTHERS ARE IN TOOWNNNNNN. It’s LIT.

2. 90210, Also Back?

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I’d like to say that I got the tip off on this news as my sister sent me the official Fox press release. We’ve got connections. 90210 will be returning with the original cast for what I gathered is going to be a reality/meta experience. Brandon, Kelly, Steve, Donna, David & Andrea will return to a 6 episode event playing themselves basically. Apparently it’ll be inspired by their real lives and relationships and I’m just not sure I can do it. First of all, it’s been 19 years since the OG ended. Name one human who looks the same as they did 19 years ago. Age is a sneaky bitch and she hasn’t been kind to all of these cast members. Not going to name names but you know who you are. Secondly, they did a reboot of 90210 with a younger generation that included Kelly in it and Donna popped in for a few epis and I watched it for any breadcrumb of the old characters they might drop and I was NOT pleased to find out that Donna and David weren’t together anymore. What fresh hell is that? If you do a reboot you keep your core couples together and I won’t hear anything otherwise. Lastly, this may be redundant on my point about age but Luke Perry AKA Dylan just suffered a stroke IRL. Hope he’s ok (T’s and P’s) but also that means Kelly and Dylan will never be together and Luke probably won’t be popping onto the show for some guest appearances. Am I shipping TV couples from the 90’s a little too hard? Probably. Am I still going to watch this show? Obviously. See you this summer.

3. Lady Gaga Fooled Us.

Everyone had their panties in a knot after Gaga & Brad’s Oscars Shallow performance, myself included. They eye boned the shit out of each other then snuggled up at the end for what looked like it was going to be a full tongue kiss, but they decided to leave that for the paying customers. 99% of the tweets I was reading were about poor Irina, sitting front row for this cuck-fest, probably planning for joint custody of their child and mentally dividing their assets. Btw, if we’re taking a stance here, I’m firmly #TeamIrina. Don’t break up a family. Gagz. But alas, there’s no need to worry because Gaga went on Kimmel and was like LOL Fooled y’all! Have you uneducated losers ever heard of ACTING?! They were playing their characters and that seems PRETTY obvious. That wasn’t fresh off a broken engagement Gaga and currently taken with a baby Bradley, that was Ally and Jackson, who are very much in love, doing the duet of a lifetime. And us drooling over their looks and touches just gave them the highest compliment we could’ve. Best acting job of the year. Although, if they were playing their characters why wasn’t Bradley completely trashed? Also, spoiler alert–alive? Hmmmmmm…… Either way, still was the best thing about the Oscars and deserves to be watched over and over again.

 

4. Taylor is V. Active on Insta

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She just read all the theories 🙀

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Many rabid T.Swift fans are predicting a new music drop tomorrow based on what they believe to be sneaky clues via her Insta. Since Taylor has been calculated every single time she posts, this would not be remotely surprising if it were to be true. (Please say it’s true.) Her last three posts are associated with a countdown of sorts. The first one has palm trees signifying how many albums she’s had–separation for pop and country albums. In her video for Look What You Made Me Do, she’s in the background of all her video characters at the end in a palm tree shirt.

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🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴

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Then she’s sitting on the 6th stair and then there’s five holes in the fence. Honestly the people who sniff this shit out should be full time detectives. Proud of them. I’m just like oh, Taylor’s posting ambiguous shit, wonder what she’s up to. They’re like measuring the circumference of the fence hole and relating it back to a lyric she wrote in 2009.

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💗

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On the official Taylor Swift calendar, there’s a giant flower on March 2nd. She’s about to be on a magazine cover and she rarely does press unless she’s promoting something.

The list goes on and on. So if the new music happens tomorrow I can say I told you so, otherwise we’ll all just carry on with our lives and let the Swifties continue to dissect everything that she does and entertain me with their crazy theories. Also if this is true, that’s some genius marketing shit right there.

5. TR Play Us Out

I could do my last item about Jordyn Woods going on Jada Pinkett Smith’s FB live show today to say that the only thing she did wrong was go to Tristan Thompson’s house for a party, but he’s the one who no tongue kissed her goodbye. Or the fact that Khloe Kardashian IMMEDIATELY tweeted in response that she’s a dirty liar and is the reason her family is now shattered. OR I could just post Thomas Rhett’s new song and let it play you into the weekend because it’s a beat. Either one works.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 2/18/19

1. Jamal Lyon is a snitch bitch. (Press play while reading)

When this story first broke I honestly thought it was a plot point from the latest episode of Empire. As a once fan (and recapper) of the ridiculous show before it got to be a little TOO outrageous even for me, a racial/homophobic attack on Jussie easily could’ve been a story line for the Lyon fam. In fact, I think it was at one point. Which is probably where dum dum Jussie cooked up the idea. Except instead of locking it up with no way to pin him to this crime, like Lucious did when he killed Bunkie, he executed the sloppiest hack job of all time. Let’s quickly run through the deets and hard facts/evidence that they’ve collected so far. Jussie wrote himself hate mail and had it sent to the studio where they shoot Empire. No one really noticed or took action. So then he hired two extras (also black), paid them VIA CHECK $3,500 and then had them go to a local convenience store to buy the supplies for said attack, where they were clear as day caught on surveillance. (LOL to the fact that at the end of the checkout, one of the guys puts his hood up. Good job, bruh.) Then he called them a bunch of times before and after the alleged attack. After being “attacked” he refused to release his phone and/or phone records. But also went on GMA to sob about what happened and say there were a lot of misconceptions out there. The balls on this kid to book an interview the week after he’s attacked and put on that performance. He’s finally been arrested and charged with filing a false police report, yet he’s still arguing that he’s innocent. Police say he did this because he was unhappy with this salary. And this is the point where I fly off the handle. He makes roughly $65,000 per episode. PER EPISODE. YOU KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO WITH JUST ONE CHECK FOR $65,000? SO. MANY. THINGS. None of them include self-inflicted injuries, JUSSIE. UGH. Gawd. I’m done. Get him out of my face. JK I’m not done because as I was writing this Fox released the following statement:

“The events of the past few weeks have been incredibly emotional for all of us. Jussie has been an important member of our EMPIRE family for the past five years and we care about him deeply. While these allegations are very disturbing, we are placing our trust in the legal system as the process plays out. We are also aware of the effects of this process on the cast and crew members who work on our show and to avoid further disruption on set, we have decided to remove the role of ‘Jamal’ from the final two episodes of the season.”

byeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

2. Kris Jenner Back At It.

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You know that I typically like to avoid including the Kardtrashians in my blog but game respects game and when you see Kris puppetmaster Jenner/Kardashian(?) pull another scandal out of her bhole, you gotta just sit back and clap for that sneaky B. Keeping up with the Kardashians season 6 zillion premieres on March 31st. CONVENIENTLY, it comes out this week that Kylie’s BFF, roomie & makeup partner Jordyn went to bonetown with Khloe’s baby daddy Tristan Thompson, who has basically been cheating on her since they started dating. The story “leaks” and suddenly you’ve got every Kardashian and the BFFS that haven’t stepped out with their mans going in on social media. They all unfollow Jordyn, she gets kicked out of Kylie’s house, they’re putting up videos singing along to Find Your Own Man. It’s like the WWE smackdown of Kardashians vs. this 21 year old ho they made famous. (I’m allowed to make a WWE comparison because I watch Total Bellas.) Everyone is riveted by it and sitting back with a bowl of popcorn to watch the ratchet drama unfold. In the meantime, Kris writhes her body over stacks of hunnids in a room just filled with cash in her Calabasas mansion. Don’t you think for a second that Jordyn wasn’t offered a deal to be the kingpin of hoes in this storyline. Girls’ got her eyelash line and a fat wad of cash (Kris gives cash on shady deals, she doesn’t pull out the ole checkbook like Jussie did) to keep her warm at night.

3. Miranda Lambert Stole Found The Love of her Life.

This was last week’s news but it took a few days for the ole snoops of social media to get the real scoop on this guy who no one knew. And it was WORTH THE WAIT. Brendan Mcloughlin is a NYC cop, who Miranda met while performing on GMA and having a concert that same night where Brendan was the police detail/crowd control. Bren-dawgs is my age (26.5), was once an aspiring model, oh and also was engaged at the time he met Miranda, with a pregnant girlfriend as well. After I publicly declared in May that I was no longer #TeamMiranda (read about it here), she seemed to lay low for a while, sensing that she was losing a loyal follower because of her infidelities. Obviously, this ended real quick and it seems as though she has found her soulmate of cheaters. Brendan’s fiance found out he was cheating from his 7 month preggers girlfriend who was living with him at the time. *Allegedly* YOIKES. His baby was born the same month that him and Miranda started dating (November) so there was obviously some crossover. Let me be the first to say that they are a match made in heaven and the latest in the Hollywood trend to get married after dating for fifteen minutes. Best of luck to ya!

4. Gaga is Single.

Lady Gaga and her fiance who I literally knew nothing about have split. Obviously everyone is shipping a Gaga-Bradley union and to that I say, There can be 100 people in the room and 99 don’t believe in you, and just one does. And that can change your whole life. I mean literally, change it. Guess we’ll have to wait and see. Oscars are this weekend. Your move, Bradley.

5. Weekly Dose of Tasteful Nudity.

I always like to post the latest Calvin Klein campaign because who wouldn’t want to feast their eyes on a glossy six pack and judge the size of the guys’ package tucked into some briefs? This campaign features A$AP Rocky, Noah Centineo, Kendall Jenner, and Shawn Mendes. Since I’m a 13 year old girl (and because it wouldn’t be a competition with A$AP), let’s check out how Noah and Shawn fared.

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@CalvinKlein #MyCalvins. Campaign coming this week.

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@calvinklein by @_glen_luchford #mycalvins

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Point to Shawn for Abs, Point to Noah for Package. Looks like we broke even here, boys. TYSM for participating. Also here’s a nice laugh from my favorite British doughboy, James Corden to round out the week.

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Music, Television

AMA’s 2016 Recap

Since the AMA’s were surprisingly dece, here’s a quick 5 point highlight reel of the show–a conversational piece for your Monday morning at work. (If you happen to work with teenagers.)

1. I’ve had enough visuals to last a lifetime from the song Side to Side.

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I get that Ariana is 23 and old enough to be singing about sex but she still looks like she’s 12 and frankly it gives me all of the uncomfies to watch her simulate this onstage. After this performance and grinding line I was waiting for someone’s bracelet to get snipped and for them to get tossed from the stage ala high school dance grinding rules. Pat on the back that my bracelet was never cut because chaperones can’t get to you if you’re in the middle of the mosh, so HA.

2. Chainsmoker #2 really embracing being the dad of the group.

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It sucks to not be the hot one but respect to #2 for driving that point home with his Guy Fieri sunburst shirt and also having a complete stroke onstage while accepting their award. YIKES.

3. Drake <3’s Taylor.

OMG they both did Apple Music commercials with each other’s songs in it, THEY’RE TOTALLY DATING. But seriously, this would’ve been funnier if it was a slow song like All Too Well. Either way, I can appreciate it and also the fact that Meek Mill has been buried for like a solid year and Drake is still stomping on his grave every chance he gets. The last minute “WATCH HOW YOU SPEAK ON MY NAME” was killer. Would’ve been more killer with a camera pan to Nicki Minaj.

4. What a Taylor Swift-less audience looks like.

Without our girl to sway and toss those seaweed arms into the air, I noticed that we got a lot of glances at random pre-teens singing along and middle aged men dancing like no one was watching. We were all watching. My first piece of advice to anyone in a crowd where there might be a camera ever, is if you’re not 100% confident you have the right words, do not sing. Sure this girl wide mouth singing a bunch of random words made me laugh out loud but also now it’s caught on camera forever and I spent about 20 minutes this morning making a gif of it. (This also made me late for work…priorities.) Selena also stepped into the spotlight for a much-needed Sting clap break. Because Message in a Bottle NEVER gets old.

5a. DO NOT go to a Justin Bieber concert unless you need a good cry.

Holy crap, Beliebers. IT WAS AN UPBEAT SONG. Stop the tears! Gonna be honest, Let Me Love You is one of the few JB songs that I can get down with  and these sobbing little bitches really killed my vibe. Maybe they’re crying because Justin yelled at them all again for screaming during his concert? That’s the only explanation.

5b. What is this microphone.

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I know that I said I would only list five things but I lied because I want to yap about the fact that Lady Gaga had a totes emotional slow song performance but all I could focus on was the fact that this MASSIVE headset’s mic was basically inside of her throat as she sang. Since I work in the biz (barely) I know that there are much more discreet mics that still pick up the same amount of sound so choosing this one for a televised awards show is a real weird move. Was anticipating a mid-high note choke but she made it through like a champ.

BONUS: The fact that I specifically googled both Shawn and Niall’s ages before adding this in for a little BTS swoon sesh says everything about how much of a creep I am. For the record, Shawn is 18 and Niall is 23 so IT’S TOTALLY FINE TO BE ATTRACTED TO THIS, GIRLS.

 

 

 

 

 

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Uncategorized

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/26/16

1. Prepare Yourselves.

It’s official now, Lady G is halftiming the Super Bowl, so get ready for all of the outrageousness. I thought that she had toned down, she wasn’t really releasing music, she was trying acting on for size, she kept hanging out with Tony Bennett and was going to marry that hunk Taylor Kinney (I’m momentarily blacking out when they had paint sex for “art”). But now that she’s single and releasing new music, there’s really no telling what will go down at this show. It is guaranteed that there will be obnoxious outfits and gimmicks. Gr8 for twitter, not suh gr8 for my eyes.

2. WOOF. The band breaks up, you chop your ratty locks off (a trim would’ve done just fine) and suddenly you’re an actor now but HOW DOES ANY OF THAT EXPLAIN THIS?

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No but f’reals, Harry. Clean it up. This isn’t you. This also serves as a PSA to old people like me, that if you were to just glance at the comments on these instas, you’ll find that 90% of the teen females are commenting “Daddy” or “Father”. Since I recently learned this for myself and had to choke back vomit, I think it’s time that I relay it to the crowd, as it is further proof that youths today are the WORST. Apparently, young ladies are now calling their favorite stars what one might call their dad. And it’s LIT. JK, it’s gross. But they think it’s cool and since teens are the future of this world, pls put us out of our misery. Go ahead and make each other famous for wearing vans on snap chat all you want, but cut the shit with the daddy issues. Your celeb crushes are not going to date you because you compare them to dear ole dad. (Also because you still live with your parents and probz have a curfew womp womppp) It’s creepy and weird and I wish I could unhear/unsee it. BE BETTER, TEENS.

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3. BRING IT BACK. 

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I anticipated just posting about a Will & Grace reunion photo until they dropped a new scene Monday night right before the debate and I peed my pants a little in excitement. Even though they were trying to be timely and political, it mostly just made me miss Karen, that squeaky-voiced rich, racist asshole. And damn it she looks great. They all do. I smell a comeback so get to steppin, TV people! Vote for Will & Grace.

4. I’m totally moving to Canada. So I can hang with the most adorbs fam on this earth. Royals are in Canada and therefore I’m on baby picture overload. But with these nuggets I don’t mind. Check out little George in his baby knickers PS I get that it’s English tradition to dress this way but George would earn a little more street cred if his parents stopped putting him in booty shorts with his socks pulled up to his hips. Jus sayin. He’s doing his best to pull it off though. And obviously Charlotte’s chunk face steals the show. What I would give to have my parents grab each of my hands and give me a 1,2,3 jump where they essentially used their upper arm strength to fling me through the air so I didn’t have to walk places. Ah, the simple life.

5. WTF happened? 

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This isn’t me body shaming. This is me being legitimately terrified by the pictures that surfaced from MK&A’s “carefree” French vacay for some rich persons’ wedding. I think the only thing that I can give her a fist bump for is her fresh tan, considering I feel like the last time these two saw sunlight was in their 2001 beach CLASSIC “Holiday in the Sun”. Other than that, yikeronis. There are no words for the transformation that these two have completed into ghouls.

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Bonus: We have a problem. 

And that problem is I think I have an unruly crush on wittle baby Shawn Mendes. Him and James have a very scripted “riff-off”, which turns into essentially eight minutes of me wondering if Shawn Mendes is old enough to swoon over. Even when he’s dissing James, he’s still polite. What a gent. Also, 90’s music is a kajillion times better than today’s music and that’s fact. But it’s cute that Shawn tried. And I just want to tussle his soft, swoopy hair. So sue me. (Pls don’t.)

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/18/16

1. Pippa’s in the news again, not for dat ass. Pippa Middleton, known for having a killer a$$ at the Royal Wedding, is engaged. Her ring is kewl I guess (not as kewl as Kate’s for obvious reasons), but what I’d really like to chitchat about is the discovery I made this week via her engagement announcement.

London Celebrity Sightings - July 21, 2016

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Her fiance is James Matthews, who is basically just a rich businessman–but what I discovered is that James’ brother is Spencer Matthews. I went down a rabbit hole of British reality TV winter break during my last year of college..mostly because Bravo played a full week marathon but regardless I got far too attached to the show Made in Chelsea, which can be summed up as the British version of The Hills. So you can see why I was hooked. Juicy, trashy TV with sexy men who make everything sound classy just because of their accent. SOLD. Anyway, what I’m getting at in this very descriptive back story is that Spencer was essentially the more badass Brody if we’re continuing with The Hills comparison. He was sexy but he had a lot of bad boy to him and played two chicks REAL hard. His main love triangle included Caggie who essentially was the LC of Made in Chelsea–in that she was way too good for that trash and eventually “moved away” aka realized that appearing on MIC was probably ruining her career.

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I shipped Spencer and Caggie real hard until I realized how scripted everything was and that they pretty much never dated IRL. The show went downhill real fast after Cagz left. Either way…SPENCER IS 1 BAZILLION TIMES HOTTER THAN JAMES. WTF, Pippa?! I mean, I’m guessing she doesn’t want to stoop to a reality star who may or may not have a coke/sex addiction’s level but James seems like a real snooze to be engaged to.

And that’s my forced two cents on that. Also fun fact: when the show was clearly struggling they brought the She-Pratt into play as a whole cross-country storyline. That’s when you know a show is failing…when your last ditch effort is to hire Spencer Pratt’s sister to join the cast. YIKES.

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1a. I JUST WANNA SMUSH HIS FACE. Keeping on the topic of America’s obsession with all things royal fam. Prince George turns 3 today and is still the cutest little chap on this earth. Seriously check out that mug in his annual birthday photoshoot. What a lady killer he’s gonna be. (Also well on his way to be poster boy for Vineyard Vines with that whale accent and jazzy pocket tee) I’m more excited for Pippa’s nuptials for the purpose of seeing more adorbs pics of the royal kiddies. PS Tossing the pup into the photoshoot was thought of JUST to explode every female’s ovaries, right?

2. Another 1D’er going solo, how original. 

Yeah, yeah, yeah tell your story walkin, pal. It’s not news once the band has already broken up and Harry Styles is shooting a movie that you’re going solo. Best of luck topping the sexual awakening of Zayn and color me unimpressed for now. Not for nothing, but I feel like I majorly overlooked the fact that Liam is high up there in the hotness rankings of 1D. I mean he’s obviously hotter than Louie but seeing his Twitter avi really bumped him up a few notches for me. He might be stealing the #2 spot from Zayn. Harry is first for sex appeal reasons. I can’t explain it, I just feel it. We’ll see how Liam does solo first before I can declare that furreal.

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3. This week’s celeb splits–not the gymnastics kind. I’m very depressed to report that Joshua Jackson and Diane Kruger have ended their relationship. My heart breaks for the Pacey-obsessed tween that still lives inside of me. They were together forever in Hollywood years and always killed it on red carpets. Fashion forward AF. They also weren’t obnoxious and in everyone’s faces about their love–which I truly appreciate. Pour some out for the loss of a gr8 couple this weekend, guys.

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I’m not as depressed to report that Lady GaGa and Taylor Kinney have separated for the time being. Long distance is hard on them and Gagz has asked that we all root for them to get back together in the end. Look, I can only root for one celeb rekindling per week and if I had to choose I’m going with Diane and Joshua. Tough luck, guys you should’ve picked another week to announce your breakup. Plus I was out on you two the minute that you had sex for art and made us look at pics of you covered in paint and boning. Think about that next time you ask for my T’s & P’s.

4. I’d like to see someone wear this as an adult. 

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Lisa Frank decided to make a large comeback this week by announcing a new clothing line. Did I love the SHIT out of my LF pencil boxes, folders and lunchbox? Hell to the yeah. Would I ever want to wear a sweatshirt with pastel-colored animals on it as an adult? Hard no. It’ll be interesting to see who actually buys into this. My guess is that Katy Perry will be rocking this ensemble with pink hair knockers in her pigtails at her next big appearance. (Those pink dolphins straight KILLED it back in the day though.)

5. Need more Missy in my life. As an avid fan of this James Corden bit, I’m big enough to admit when one sucks. And sorry, but Michelle Obama isn’t that interesting. I get she’s doing it to plug her charities and girl power projects but other than that this was a real snooze. It made the cut this week ONLY because Missy makes a cameo for Work It–a complete banger–and I seriously need her to get back on a regular schedule of fame. She teased us with the Super Bowl cameo in 2015 and then disappeared again. I need more than her and a puppet dancing to Pep Rally in a commercial for a Siri-knockoff. Her pointing to everyone else in the car to sing her song and flipping that weave in the backseat gave me life. Especially when James F’ed up every word and she just gave him a look like, yeah I do that too. So basically, just watch 11:20-13:38 for mah gurl Missy. Because realistically she should have her own Carpool Karaoke.

BONUS: Alex Pettyfer gave us a reason to forget that he’s a known Hollywood asshole. MORE, MORE, MORE!!

So there’s a little throwback lady boner for all to take you into a lovely weekend.

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Red Carpet

Met Gala Red Carpet 2016

Welcome to the Met Gala, where all the tweens are invited and there’s always a weird theme that the Olsen Twins promptly ignore. This year’s theme was: Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology…whatever the F that means. Let’s judge.

Woof:

dakotajohnson

Kewl stars, Dakota.

Did Solange just dye last year’s dress yellow and add some latex leggings? #LEMONADE

emmaroberts

Not only is this a granny dress but her face is scarin me.

zendaya

THAT BOWL CUT THOUGH. DAMN.

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madonna

On what planet does anyone want to see Madonna’s nips or buhhole?

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Katy Perry is quickly becoming the next Gaga with her dumb outfits and I will not go quietly into the night about this. I do miss my tamogatchi though.

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How does one accentuate their curves? By adding a bunch of buckles, apparently.

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Ever the rebels, the twins show up in cloaks as per usual. Endless ciggs have been treating MK’s face well. She looks suuupes youthful.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

What fresh hell is this seaweed dress, Cindy Lou Who hair combo, Lupey?

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Beyonce looks good because she always looks good but I hate this dress. The color, the latex, not for me. SARRY guess I’m just Becky with the good hair.

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Kim doesn’t look tha worst, but Kanye VIBES West ruined it.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

I feel bad consistently putting Kris on the worst dressed, because you can tell she tries so hard but like, let your daughters outshine you and retire the choker.

MET Gala 2016

Speaking from someone with 100% natty boobs, I don’t know if it’s normal for fake tits to sit at someone’s throat but something isn’t right here, LaLa.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Just, wtf is this. Save this bad boy for a 4th of July beach cover-up.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

If she had covered her bodice more I would’ve been down with this because the silver feathers are elegant. But I can live without seeing your crack whisper out of the tailfeather.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

This year’s sponsored by Hefty, Trash Bag Edition.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Following up the garbage bag dress, here’s random recyclables sewn togets.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Do Less.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Hey Ciara, every man above 60 called and they want their toup back:

karl

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Love that the feathers weren’t enough, there also needed to be a majestic butterfly fluttering across this gown.

MET Gala 2016

I looked right at this outfit and had to do a double take thinking it was 15 years ago and Jen Lindley was attending the ball.

jenbangs

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

What’s happening here?

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Furrever 15.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

This looks like a costume from Practical Magic.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

I mean, typs for Gaga.

jaredleto

Never wear a white tux if you’re a white and that’s obvious.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

I can’t even look at this dress because it feels like Katie is staring into my soul.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

It’s possible Karlie landed on the worst dressed purely out of jealousy.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

HEY Kerry’s preggers again. Also she’s attending a Halloween party.

Yaasss:

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This pose made me laugh for several minutes and I’m not afraid to admit it. The look is actually great, especially for hairy, scary Lorde, but that side head is outrageous.

brielarson

Brie’s closing out a hot red carpet season with this sparkler.

emmastone

I’m digging the dark locks on Emma. Plus this dress honors the theme without being outrageous.

Irachel-mcadams

I think I drooled looking at this picture. Nbd.

amyschumer

I wish her hair wasn’t so erect but the dress is hot stuff.

ninadobrev

This dress is flattering in every way.

rami-malek

I’ve got a thang for blue tuxes.

clairedanes

Cinderella, IRL. Going to a rave:

daneslightupnickjonas

Looking dapper as always. WONDER IF HIM AND KHUD SMOOCHED.

gigizayn

This is some robot fairytale shit. GiGi looks like a smoke and Zayn is her literal knight in shining armor.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Alessandra’s dress is just the right amount of weird and also it looks comfy AF.

ansel-elgort

That smolder though. Panty flooder.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Didn’t even need to include the pic with Jeets because Hannah knocks my socks off all on her own.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Sometimes Chloe has a tendency to dress like she’s straight out of a Delia’s catalogue but I like this look on her.

MET Gala 2016

Scary goth face, pretty dress.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

I wish I could wear this dress. Like, anywhere. What a beautiful fairy.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Demi has looked fierce as hell in every appearance ever this year.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Mindy’s lookin fresh and possibly has a keyboard clutch?

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

This dress is from H&M, so that us commoners can also dress for a ball.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

I’m torn on this. On the one hand, she looks like a sassy sailor, on the other hand she’s wearing white clam diggers at a ball. You decide.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

This kind of looks like trash gathered from a beach but I like it and I bet it’s comfy to lay in.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Kendall maintains as best dressed Jenner/Kardash

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Never did I think the day would come when I’d toss a compliment Kylie’s way but she really cleaned her shit up. She looks classy and essentially is wearing the same dress as Kim and looks a bajillion times better. Take notes, Kimmy.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Let your hurrr downnn!!!

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Kate couldn’t even sit in this dress so that blows but she looks like a dime.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Adorbs

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

From the neck down, I’m all over this shit. From the neck up, I’d like to gauge my eyes out. Tay is edgy now and we need to accept it I guess, but the bleach bob NEEDS TO GO. Those shoes slay though.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

What bump? Olivia looks skinny as possible in this dress.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

TBH, I don’t really know what’s going on here but I know that her head/bustier looks fab so I just glossed over the maybe cape, maybe pants sitch down below.

blake

I mean, end with a bang of course. She doesn’t look preggers,

she just looks F-L-A-W-L-E-S-S

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Music, Television

Grammy’s 2016 Recap

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I’m not really sure when it was exactly that the Grammy’s turned into one giant tribute but it was so aggressive that I actually questioned if it was the Eagles playing their own songs or someone covering the Eagles in honor of Glenn. (Clearly I don’t know my classic rock bands.) They even tossed in a Lionel Richie tribute while he WATCHED front row. Hey…Lionel’s alive! And able to come onstage…let’s cool it with the memorial for his music. Anyway, here are the highs and lows of last night’s 5 hour situation.

NO:

-LL Cool J is the host and I forgot that he hosts every year and it’s the worst moment of my life realizing I have to watch that Kangol speak and probably say “knock ‘em out L, KNOCK EM OUTTTTTT.” At one point he tells everyone to hit him up on Instagram. Ok, L.

-Everyone in Taylor’s squad RSVP’ed “maybe”? The only one who showed up was Selena. What a lame turnout. Related side note: they really cut back on audience cams of Taylor dancing. What gives, CBS? (Thanks for pointing out this super embarrassing handshake of hers though…)

-Legitimate question, do you think Selena cried every time Tay won because she knows she’ll never win a Grammy with her garbage can pop hits and skanky vids? (Or was she just trying to fill the BFF and boyfriend void because apparently no one could make it?) Just wondering.

selenacrying

-Turns out I didn’t know any songs by Lionel Richie but seriously how nerve-wracking is that to perform his hits with him judging in the front row? Luke stuck out like a sore thumb trying his hand at easy listening (and NOT shaking his ass), and Lionel literally had to get up there and be like k, move aside dipshits, I got this.

lionel

-Gwen Stefani got paid a bajillion doll hairs by Target to do a “live music video” commercial where she used a lot of body doubles and didn’t fall down rollerskating SO WHAT’S THE FUN IN THAT?

notgwenstefani

-Hamilton the musical gets a sideshow performance from NYC. I hate to sound like an uncultured a-hole, but leave the musicals for the Tony’s. I’m not down with sneaking theater into the mix like I won’t even notice. I NOTICED.

-Gaga dresses like Bowie and lets spiders crawl over her face via green screen. YAY nightmares. (PS this is totes a performance dads would like, as in my dad, because he wouldn’t let me talk trash about Gaga during the SuperBowl and also he’s old and therefore liked David Bowie.)

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– A 12 year old plays the piano while Common and the old white guy who’s at every awards show bop along awkwardly. This could have been a metaphor for the entire evening.

-Biebz Part 2 with Skrillex & Diplo was roughsicles. I commend them for kicking things up a notch with a little percussion but pitch-wise it was terrible. Even worse? We didn’t get one reaction from Selena. I will personally hitch a camera on my shoulder and film the audience next year if that’s what it takes to create a little drama at the Grammys.

-Hey guys, Johnny Depp’s in a band now with Alice Cooper and they’re tearing it up old guy style with a lot of eyeliner. It was embarrassing and weird and I could’ve done without it. #WhenDadJokesTurnIntoDadBands

-Pitbull closes out the night with Sofia Vergara dancing as a boxed taxi and Robin Thicke trying REAL hard to make a comeback. Oh and Keith Richards played guitar. DALE?! (My next door neighbor’s 6th birthday party was car themed and everyone had to wear a box car and visor around his backyard all afternoon. What’s your excuse, Sofia?)

sofiataxi

 

YES:

-Taylor opened with “Out of the Woods” and the most entertaining part was when she strutted through the crowd (catwalk style, obviously) and no one knew what to do. Clap, guys. Applaud her jazz hand theatrics.

outofthewoods

announcertay

Ladies & Gentlemen, please welcome to the 1989 Stage…THE GRAMMYS!

-My dad may have created “Bye Felicia” but I have diamonds!!!!

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-Carrie Underwood threw a curveball and let her vag hang out onstage for a steamy performance with Sam Hunt.

carrie-sam

carrieLEGS

-Ariana Grande introduced the Weeknd and apparently thought she was auditioning for a one-woman variety show on Nick. No one laughed, which in turn, made me laugh a lot.

ariana

-Demi bringing down the house with a cover of Hello and the sexiest biz casj I ever did see.

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-Stevie Wonder’s sparkle shirt with camo jacket and NEON gym sneaks. I spent too much time while he sang with Pentatonix wondering if he was trolling us because no seeing person would purposefully dress themselves like that BUT THEN he bullied everyone for not being able to read Braille. WHAT A BUNCH OF IDIOTS WHO CAN SEE HAHA. YOU’RE ALL SUCKERS WHO HAVE EYES THAT FUNCTION. Keep doin you, Stevie.

-James Bay and Tori Kelly duet a mash up of “Hollow” and “Let it Go” and it’s buttery smooth. It would be kewl if I could hire them to sing me a lullaby every night before bed.

-Kendrick Lamar does a little ditty about black injustices complete with prison bars, shackles, & a large fire that scares all the white people in the crowd. It was probably the most entertaining thing of the night to see 0.0 white crowd reactions. (Especially so hot off the heels of everyone realizing that Beyonce is black.)

kendrickfire

-It sounded like the Biebz might have been slangin some voice lessons when he did “Love Yourself” acoustic in a jacket he borrowed from Sammi Sweetheart. Then he promptly smashed his guitar and it was an omen for the remainder of the performance. #BadBoyLife

biebz

-1989 wins album of the year and Taylor takes a big giant dump on Kanye’s face.

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YEAH THAT’S RIGHT. BURN CITY: Population, KANYE.

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