Music, Television

AMA’s 2016 Recap

Since the AMA’s were surprisingly dece, here’s a quick 5 point highlight reel of the show–a conversational piece for your Monday morning at work. (If you happen to work with teenagers.)

1. I’ve had enough visuals to last a lifetime from the song Side to Side.

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I get that Ariana is 23 and old enough to be singing about sex but she still looks like she’s 12 and frankly it gives me all of the uncomfies to watch her simulate this onstage. After this performance and grinding line I was waiting for someone’s bracelet to get snipped and for them to get tossed from the stage ala high school dance grinding rules. Pat on the back that my bracelet was never cut because chaperones can’t get to you if you’re in the middle of the mosh, so HA.

2. Chainsmoker #2 really embracing being the dad of the group.

chainsmokers

It sucks to not be the hot one but respect to #2 for driving that point home with his Guy Fieri sunburst shirt and also having a complete stroke onstage while accepting their award. YIKES.

3. Drake <3’s Taylor.

OMG they both did Apple Music commercials with each other’s songs in it, THEY’RE TOTALLY DATING. But seriously, this would’ve been funnier if it was a slow song like All Too Well. Either way, I can appreciate it and also the fact that Meek Mill has been buried for like a solid year and Drake is still stomping on his grave every chance he gets. The last minute “WATCH HOW YOU SPEAK ON MY NAME” was killer. Would’ve been more killer with a camera pan to Nicki Minaj.

4. What a Taylor Swift-less audience looks like.

Without our girl to sway and toss those seaweed arms into the air, I noticed that we got a lot of glances at random pre-teens singing along and middle aged men dancing like no one was watching. We were all watching. My first piece of advice to anyone in a crowd where there might be a camera ever, is if you’re not 100% confident you have the right words, do not sing. Sure this girl wide mouth singing a bunch of random words made me laugh out loud but also now it’s caught on camera forever and I spent about 20 minutes this morning making a gif of it. (This also made me late for work…priorities.) Selena also stepped into the spotlight for a much-needed Sting clap break. Because Message in a Bottle NEVER gets old.

5a. DO NOT go to a Justin Bieber concert unless you need a good cry.

Holy crap, Beliebers. IT WAS AN UPBEAT SONG. Stop the tears! Gonna be honest, Let Me Love You is one of the few JB songs that I can get down with  and these sobbing little bitches really killed my vibe. Maybe they’re crying because Justin yelled at them all again for screaming during his concert? That’s the only explanation.

5b. What is this microphone.

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I know that I said I would only list five things but I lied because I want to yap about the fact that Lady Gaga had a totes emotional slow song performance but all I could focus on was the fact that this MASSIVE headset’s mic was basically inside of her throat as she sang. Since I work in the biz (barely) I know that there are much more discreet mics that still pick up the same amount of sound so choosing this one for a televised awards show is a real weird move. Was anticipating a mid-high note choke but she made it through like a champ.

BONUS: The fact that I specifically googled both Shawn and Niall’s ages before adding this in for a little BTS swoon sesh says everything about how much of a creep I am. For the record, Shawn is 18 and Niall is 23 so IT’S TOTALLY FINE TO BE ATTRACTED TO THIS, GIRLS.

 

 

 

 

 

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Uncategorized

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/26/16

1. Prepare Yourselves.

It’s official now, Lady G is halftiming the Super Bowl, so get ready for all of the outrageousness. I thought that she had toned down, she wasn’t really releasing music, she was trying acting on for size, she kept hanging out with Tony Bennett and was going to marry that hunk Taylor Kinney (I’m momentarily blacking out when they had paint sex for “art”). But now that she’s single and releasing new music, there’s really no telling what will go down at this show. It is guaranteed that there will be obnoxious outfits and gimmicks. Gr8 for twitter, not suh gr8 for my eyes.

2. WOOF. The band breaks up, you chop your ratty locks off (a trim would’ve done just fine) and suddenly you’re an actor now but HOW DOES ANY OF THAT EXPLAIN THIS?

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No but f’reals, Harry. Clean it up. This isn’t you. This also serves as a PSA to old people like me, that if you were to just glance at the comments on these instas, you’ll find that 90% of the teen females are commenting “Daddy” or “Father”. Since I recently learned this for myself and had to choke back vomit, I think it’s time that I relay it to the crowd, as it is further proof that youths today are the WORST. Apparently, young ladies are now calling their favorite stars what one might call their dad. And it’s LIT. JK, it’s gross. But they think it’s cool and since teens are the future of this world, pls put us out of our misery. Go ahead and make each other famous for wearing vans on snap chat all you want, but cut the shit with the daddy issues. Your celeb crushes are not going to date you because you compare them to dear ole dad. (Also because you still live with your parents and probz have a curfew womp womppp) It’s creepy and weird and I wish I could unhear/unsee it. BE BETTER, TEENS.

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3. BRING IT BACK. 

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I anticipated just posting about a Will & Grace reunion photo until they dropped a new scene Monday night right before the debate and I peed my pants a little in excitement. Even though they were trying to be timely and political, it mostly just made me miss Karen, that squeaky-voiced rich, racist asshole. And damn it she looks great. They all do. I smell a comeback so get to steppin, TV people! Vote for Will & Grace.

4. I’m totally moving to Canada. So I can hang with the most adorbs fam on this earth. Royals are in Canada and therefore I’m on baby picture overload. But with these nuggets I don’t mind. Check out little George in his baby knickers PS I get that it’s English tradition to dress this way but George would earn a little more street cred if his parents stopped putting him in booty shorts with his socks pulled up to his hips. Jus sayin. He’s doing his best to pull it off though. And obviously Charlotte’s chunk face steals the show. What I would give to have my parents grab each of my hands and give me a 1,2,3 jump where they essentially used their upper arm strength to fling me through the air so I didn’t have to walk places. Ah, the simple life.

5. WTF happened? 

mk

This isn’t me body shaming. This is me being legitimately terrified by the pictures that surfaced from MK&A’s “carefree” French vacay for some rich persons’ wedding. I think the only thing that I can give her a fist bump for is her fresh tan, considering I feel like the last time these two saw sunlight was in their 2001 beach CLASSIC “Holiday in the Sun”. Other than that, yikeronis. There are no words for the transformation that these two have completed into ghouls.

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Bonus: We have a problem. 

And that problem is I think I have an unruly crush on wittle baby Shawn Mendes. Him and James have a very scripted “riff-off”, which turns into essentially eight minutes of me wondering if Shawn Mendes is old enough to swoon over. Even when he’s dissing James, he’s still polite. What a gent. Also, 90’s music is a kajillion times better than today’s music and that’s fact. But it’s cute that Shawn tried. And I just want to tussle his soft, swoopy hair. So sue me. (Pls don’t.)

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/18/16

1. Pippa’s in the news again, not for dat ass. Pippa Middleton, known for having a killer a$$ at the Royal Wedding, is engaged. Her ring is kewl I guess (not as kewl as Kate’s for obvious reasons), but what I’d really like to chitchat about is the discovery I made this week via her engagement announcement.

London Celebrity Sightings - July 21, 2016

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Her fiance is James Matthews, who is basically just a rich businessman–but what I discovered is that James’ brother is Spencer Matthews. I went down a rabbit hole of British reality TV winter break during my last year of college..mostly because Bravo played a full week marathon but regardless I got far too attached to the show Made in Chelsea, which can be summed up as the British version of The Hills. So you can see why I was hooked. Juicy, trashy TV with sexy men who make everything sound classy just because of their accent. SOLD. Anyway, what I’m getting at in this very descriptive back story is that Spencer was essentially the more badass Brody if we’re continuing with The Hills comparison. He was sexy but he had a lot of bad boy to him and played two chicks REAL hard. His main love triangle included Caggie who essentially was the LC of Made in Chelsea–in that she was way too good for that trash and eventually “moved away” aka realized that appearing on MIC was probably ruining her career.

caggieandspencer

I shipped Spencer and Caggie real hard until I realized how scripted everything was and that they pretty much never dated IRL. The show went downhill real fast after Cagz left. Either way…SPENCER IS 1 BAZILLION TIMES HOTTER THAN JAMES. WTF, Pippa?! I mean, I’m guessing she doesn’t want to stoop to a reality star who may or may not have a coke/sex addiction’s level but James seems like a real snooze to be engaged to.

And that’s my forced two cents on that. Also fun fact: when the show was clearly struggling they brought the She-Pratt into play as a whole cross-country storyline. That’s when you know a show is failing…when your last ditch effort is to hire Spencer Pratt’s sister to join the cast. YIKES.

stephguineapig

1a. I JUST WANNA SMUSH HIS FACE. Keeping on the topic of America’s obsession with all things royal fam. Prince George turns 3 today and is still the cutest little chap on this earth. Seriously check out that mug in his annual birthday photoshoot. What a lady killer he’s gonna be. (Also well on his way to be poster boy for Vineyard Vines with that whale accent and jazzy pocket tee) I’m more excited for Pippa’s nuptials for the purpose of seeing more adorbs pics of the royal kiddies. PS Tossing the pup into the photoshoot was thought of JUST to explode every female’s ovaries, right?

2. Another 1D’er going solo, how original. 

Yeah, yeah, yeah tell your story walkin, pal. It’s not news once the band has already broken up and Harry Styles is shooting a movie that you’re going solo. Best of luck topping the sexual awakening of Zayn and color me unimpressed for now. Not for nothing, but I feel like I majorly overlooked the fact that Liam is high up there in the hotness rankings of 1D. I mean he’s obviously hotter than Louie but seeing his Twitter avi really bumped him up a few notches for me. He might be stealing the #2 spot from Zayn. Harry is first for sex appeal reasons. I can’t explain it, I just feel it. We’ll see how Liam does solo first before I can declare that furreal.

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3. This week’s celeb splits–not the gymnastics kind. I’m very depressed to report that Joshua Jackson and Diane Kruger have ended their relationship. My heart breaks for the Pacey-obsessed tween that still lives inside of me. They were together forever in Hollywood years and always killed it on red carpets. Fashion forward AF. They also weren’t obnoxious and in everyone’s faces about their love–which I truly appreciate. Pour some out for the loss of a gr8 couple this weekend, guys.

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I’m not as depressed to report that Lady GaGa and Taylor Kinney have separated for the time being. Long distance is hard on them and Gagz has asked that we all root for them to get back together in the end. Look, I can only root for one celeb rekindling per week and if I had to choose I’m going with Diane and Joshua. Tough luck, guys you should’ve picked another week to announce your breakup. Plus I was out on you two the minute that you had sex for art and made us look at pics of you covered in paint and boning. Think about that next time you ask for my T’s & P’s.

4. I’d like to see someone wear this as an adult. 

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Lisa Frank decided to make a large comeback this week by announcing a new clothing line. Did I love the SHIT out of my LF pencil boxes, folders and lunchbox? Hell to the yeah. Would I ever want to wear a sweatshirt with pastel-colored animals on it as an adult? Hard no. It’ll be interesting to see who actually buys into this. My guess is that Katy Perry will be rocking this ensemble with pink hair knockers in her pigtails at her next big appearance. (Those pink dolphins straight KILLED it back in the day though.)

5. Need more Missy in my life. As an avid fan of this James Corden bit, I’m big enough to admit when one sucks. And sorry, but Michelle Obama isn’t that interesting. I get she’s doing it to plug her charities and girl power projects but other than that this was a real snooze. It made the cut this week ONLY because Missy makes a cameo for Work It–a complete banger–and I seriously need her to get back on a regular schedule of fame. She teased us with the Super Bowl cameo in 2015 and then disappeared again. I need more than her and a puppet dancing to Pep Rally in a commercial for a Siri-knockoff. Her pointing to everyone else in the car to sing her song and flipping that weave in the backseat gave me life. Especially when James F’ed up every word and she just gave him a look like, yeah I do that too. So basically, just watch 11:20-13:38 for mah gurl Missy. Because realistically she should have her own Carpool Karaoke.

BONUS: Alex Pettyfer gave us a reason to forget that he’s a known Hollywood asshole. MORE, MORE, MORE!!

So there’s a little throwback lady boner for all to take you into a lovely weekend.

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Red Carpet

Met Gala Red Carpet 2016

Welcome to the Met Gala, where all the tweens are invited and there’s always a weird theme that the Olsen Twins promptly ignore. This year’s theme was: Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology…whatever the F that means. Let’s judge.

Woof:

dakotajohnson

Kewl stars, Dakota.

Did Solange just dye last year’s dress yellow and add some latex leggings? #LEMONADE

emmaroberts

Not only is this a granny dress but her face is scarin me.

zendaya

THAT BOWL CUT THOUGH. DAMN.

jimmy

madonna

On what planet does anyone want to see Madonna’s nips or buhhole?

katy-perry

Katy Perry is quickly becoming the next Gaga with her dumb outfits and I will not go quietly into the night about this. I do miss my tamogatchi though.

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How does one accentuate their curves? By adding a bunch of buckles, apparently.

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Ever the rebels, the twins show up in cloaks as per usual. Endless ciggs have been treating MK’s face well. She looks suuupes youthful.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

What fresh hell is this seaweed dress, Cindy Lou Who hair combo, Lupey?

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Beyonce looks good because she always looks good but I hate this dress. The color, the latex, not for me. SARRY guess I’m just Becky with the good hair.

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Kim doesn’t look tha worst, but Kanye VIBES West ruined it.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

I feel bad consistently putting Kris on the worst dressed, because you can tell she tries so hard but like, let your daughters outshine you and retire the choker.

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Speaking from someone with 100% natty boobs, I don’t know if it’s normal for fake tits to sit at someone’s throat but something isn’t right here, LaLa.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Just, wtf is this. Save this bad boy for a 4th of July beach cover-up.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

If she had covered her bodice more I would’ve been down with this because the silver feathers are elegant. But I can live without seeing your crack whisper out of the tailfeather.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

This year’s sponsored by Hefty, Trash Bag Edition.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Following up the garbage bag dress, here’s random recyclables sewn togets.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Do Less.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Hey Ciara, every man above 60 called and they want their toup back:

karl

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Love that the feathers weren’t enough, there also needed to be a majestic butterfly fluttering across this gown.

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I looked right at this outfit and had to do a double take thinking it was 15 years ago and Jen Lindley was attending the ball.

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The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

What’s happening here?

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Furrever 15.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

This looks like a costume from Practical Magic.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

I mean, typs for Gaga.

jaredleto

Never wear a white tux if you’re a white and that’s obvious.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

I can’t even look at this dress because it feels like Katie is staring into my soul.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

It’s possible Karlie landed on the worst dressed purely out of jealousy.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

HEY Kerry’s preggers again. Also she’s attending a Halloween party.

Yaasss:

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This pose made me laugh for several minutes and I’m not afraid to admit it. The look is actually great, especially for hairy, scary Lorde, but that side head is outrageous.

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Brie’s closing out a hot red carpet season with this sparkler.

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I’m digging the dark locks on Emma. Plus this dress honors the theme without being outrageous.

Irachel-mcadams

I think I drooled looking at this picture. Nbd.

amyschumer

I wish her hair wasn’t so erect but the dress is hot stuff.

ninadobrev

This dress is flattering in every way.

rami-malek

I’ve got a thang for blue tuxes.

clairedanes

Cinderella, IRL. Going to a rave:

daneslightupnickjonas

Looking dapper as always. WONDER IF HIM AND KHUD SMOOCHED.

gigizayn

This is some robot fairytale shit. GiGi looks like a smoke and Zayn is her literal knight in shining armor.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Alessandra’s dress is just the right amount of weird and also it looks comfy AF.

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That smolder though. Panty flooder.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Didn’t even need to include the pic with Jeets because Hannah knocks my socks off all on her own.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Sometimes Chloe has a tendency to dress like she’s straight out of a Delia’s catalogue but I like this look on her.

MET Gala 2016

Scary goth face, pretty dress.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

I wish I could wear this dress. Like, anywhere. What a beautiful fairy.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Demi has looked fierce as hell in every appearance ever this year.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Mindy’s lookin fresh and possibly has a keyboard clutch?

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

This dress is from H&M, so that us commoners can also dress for a ball.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

I’m torn on this. On the one hand, she looks like a sassy sailor, on the other hand she’s wearing white clam diggers at a ball. You decide.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

This kind of looks like trash gathered from a beach but I like it and I bet it’s comfy to lay in.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Kendall maintains as best dressed Jenner/Kardash

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Never did I think the day would come when I’d toss a compliment Kylie’s way but she really cleaned her shit up. She looks classy and essentially is wearing the same dress as Kim and looks a bajillion times better. Take notes, Kimmy.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Let your hurrr downnn!!!

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Kate couldn’t even sit in this dress so that blows but she looks like a dime.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Adorbs

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

From the neck down, I’m all over this shit. From the neck up, I’d like to gauge my eyes out. Tay is edgy now and we need to accept it I guess, but the bleach bob NEEDS TO GO. Those shoes slay though.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

What bump? Olivia looks skinny as possible in this dress.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

TBH, I don’t really know what’s going on here but I know that her head/bustier looks fab so I just glossed over the maybe cape, maybe pants sitch down below.

blake

I mean, end with a bang of course. She doesn’t look preggers,

she just looks F-L-A-W-L-E-S-S

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Music, Television

Grammy’s 2016 Recap

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I’m not really sure when it was exactly that the Grammy’s turned into one giant tribute but it was so aggressive that I actually questioned if it was the Eagles playing their own songs or someone covering the Eagles in honor of Glenn. (Clearly I don’t know my classic rock bands.) They even tossed in a Lionel Richie tribute while he WATCHED front row. Hey…Lionel’s alive! And able to come onstage…let’s cool it with the memorial for his music. Anyway, here are the highs and lows of last night’s 5 hour situation.

NO:

-LL Cool J is the host and I forgot that he hosts every year and it’s the worst moment of my life realizing I have to watch that Kangol speak and probably say “knock ‘em out L, KNOCK EM OUTTTTTT.” At one point he tells everyone to hit him up on Instagram. Ok, L.

-Everyone in Taylor’s squad RSVP’ed “maybe”? The only one who showed up was Selena. What a lame turnout. Related side note: they really cut back on audience cams of Taylor dancing. What gives, CBS? (Thanks for pointing out this super embarrassing handshake of hers though…)

-Legitimate question, do you think Selena cried every time Tay won because she knows she’ll never win a Grammy with her garbage can pop hits and skanky vids? (Or was she just trying to fill the BFF and boyfriend void because apparently no one could make it?) Just wondering.

selenacrying

-Turns out I didn’t know any songs by Lionel Richie but seriously how nerve-wracking is that to perform his hits with him judging in the front row? Luke stuck out like a sore thumb trying his hand at easy listening (and NOT shaking his ass), and Lionel literally had to get up there and be like k, move aside dipshits, I got this.

lionel

-Gwen Stefani got paid a bajillion doll hairs by Target to do a “live music video” commercial where she used a lot of body doubles and didn’t fall down rollerskating SO WHAT’S THE FUN IN THAT?

notgwenstefani

-Hamilton the musical gets a sideshow performance from NYC. I hate to sound like an uncultured a-hole, but leave the musicals for the Tony’s. I’m not down with sneaking theater into the mix like I won’t even notice. I NOTICED.

-Gaga dresses like Bowie and lets spiders crawl over her face via green screen. YAY nightmares. (PS this is totes a performance dads would like, as in my dad, because he wouldn’t let me talk trash about Gaga during the SuperBowl and also he’s old and therefore liked David Bowie.)

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– A 12 year old plays the piano while Common and the old white guy who’s at every awards show bop along awkwardly. This could have been a metaphor for the entire evening.

-Biebz Part 2 with Skrillex & Diplo was roughsicles. I commend them for kicking things up a notch with a little percussion but pitch-wise it was terrible. Even worse? We didn’t get one reaction from Selena. I will personally hitch a camera on my shoulder and film the audience next year if that’s what it takes to create a little drama at the Grammys.

-Hey guys, Johnny Depp’s in a band now with Alice Cooper and they’re tearing it up old guy style with a lot of eyeliner. It was embarrassing and weird and I could’ve done without it. #WhenDadJokesTurnIntoDadBands

-Pitbull closes out the night with Sofia Vergara dancing as a boxed taxi and Robin Thicke trying REAL hard to make a comeback. Oh and Keith Richards played guitar. DALE?! (My next door neighbor’s 6th birthday party was car themed and everyone had to wear a box car and visor around his backyard all afternoon. What’s your excuse, Sofia?)

sofiataxi

 

YES:

-Taylor opened with “Out of the Woods” and the most entertaining part was when she strutted through the crowd (catwalk style, obviously) and no one knew what to do. Clap, guys. Applaud her jazz hand theatrics.

outofthewoods

announcertay

Ladies & Gentlemen, please welcome to the 1989 Stage…THE GRAMMYS!

-My dad may have created “Bye Felicia” but I have diamonds!!!!

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-Carrie Underwood threw a curveball and let her vag hang out onstage for a steamy performance with Sam Hunt.

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carrieLEGS

-Ariana Grande introduced the Weeknd and apparently thought she was auditioning for a one-woman variety show on Nick. No one laughed, which in turn, made me laugh a lot.

ariana

-Demi bringing down the house with a cover of Hello and the sexiest biz casj I ever did see.

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-Stevie Wonder’s sparkle shirt with camo jacket and NEON gym sneaks. I spent too much time while he sang with Pentatonix wondering if he was trolling us because no seeing person would purposefully dress themselves like that BUT THEN he bullied everyone for not being able to read Braille. WHAT A BUNCH OF IDIOTS WHO CAN SEE HAHA. YOU’RE ALL SUCKERS WHO HAVE EYES THAT FUNCTION. Keep doin you, Stevie.

-James Bay and Tori Kelly duet a mash up of “Hollow” and “Let it Go” and it’s buttery smooth. It would be kewl if I could hire them to sing me a lullaby every night before bed.

-Kendrick Lamar does a little ditty about black injustices complete with prison bars, shackles, & a large fire that scares all the white people in the crowd. It was probably the most entertaining thing of the night to see 0.0 white crowd reactions. (Especially so hot off the heels of everyone realizing that Beyonce is black.)

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-It sounded like the Biebz might have been slangin some voice lessons when he did “Love Yourself” acoustic in a jacket he borrowed from Sammi Sweetheart. Then he promptly smashed his guitar and it was an omen for the remainder of the performance. #BadBoyLife

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-1989 wins album of the year and Taylor takes a big giant dump on Kanye’s face.

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YEAH THAT’S RIGHT. BURN CITY: Population, KANYE.

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Movies, Television

Golden Globes 2016 Recap

LEOISPERFECT

Our first Golden Globes post the Tina and Amy era and they were sorely missed. They weren’t even physically there to at least give us a glimpse of what we were missing. Ricky Gervais is famous for hosting the Globes a whole bunch of times and then getting fired because everyone had outrage over how mean his comedy was. And he certainly welcomed himself back without toning it down an inch last night. His first joke was about Caitlyn Jenner not doing a service to female drivers. Welp, someone actually died in that car accident so I’m gonna guess this one won’t go over so well but what a nice kickoff to the evening to see the uproarious crowd laughter for something so offensive. His monologue had a lot of jabs at females all around and he gave more than a few celebs the uncomfies. Good for him. His tendency to giggle at his own jokes and his British accent pretty much get him out of everything.

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Full Discloszh: this recap may be missing a few things because my power went out mid-show like I live in a cabin out in the wilderness or something and I missed some action while the cable box slowly rebooted. The hardships I go through just to deliver a good recap. If the power tries to F with me again during Awards Season, National Grid is going to hear a thing or two from me.

Update: As of 11:21pm my power left me again only this time I was by myself and obviously convinced that someone cut it and was coming to kill me like I was Peyton Sawyer awaiting the wrath of Psycho Derek or something. #Blessed to be alive right now.

NO:

-The first bit of the night is Jonah Hill pretending to be the bear from The Revenant by making dumb jokes about honey while wearing a bear hat. It was bad on its own, but then half of it was bleeped out so what’s the fun in that? The only saving grace was hearing Channing “shitty comb over” Tatum ask Jonah what Leonardo Dicaprio tasted like.

 

-Rachel Bloom, lead actress of CW show “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” unexpectedly wins and basically just gets onstage and shouts a lot while her boobs struggle to be freed from her very tight dress. In a one-sentence summary, my friend Lindsey said, “That was something.”

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-The Golden Globes have been happening for a while now. In which case I would assume they have had ample time to solve the seating chart sitch. There should be no waiting as winners walk from the back of the theater and weave their way through tables to get to the stage.

– Lady Gaga and Taylor Kinney just had sex on a canvas and blasted pics of it everywhere but it must not have been that good because she didn’t even thank him in her speech. She was speechless though so that’s her excuse (as the music played her out.)

-It must’ve been a real rowdy crowd this year or someone in the control room got a little slap happy with the bleep but pretty much half of the show was cut out and the crowd was constantly being shushed like a classroom full of kindergarteners. Listen, I get that you’re trying to be family friendly but there’s a way to let the adults in the room insinuate what the joke is by bleeping out a word or two. I feel like I missed half the show (or at least the best parts) because of the over-censoring.

 

YES!:

-This dead guy.

-In a show where several presenters kind of just babbled and tried out new material that didn’t work so hot, Eva Longoria and America Ferrara nailed it with their bit about being confused for other Latina actresses. Accidental racism in Hollywood, it’s funny because it’s true.

-Jaimie Alexander (who was best dressed of the night, according to me) couldn’t read the teleprompter fast enough and asked who was typing it. This conjured up images of someone ferociously typing everything backstage and made me giggle. Also as a fellow shitty teleprompter operator–c’mon Jaimie. Act like a pro and adapt.

-A Schu & J. Law introduce clips of their movies AKA they just babble a bunch of words because Hollywood–and basic betches–are obsessed with their friendship so they could’ve pretty much done anything and people would eat that shit right up.

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-Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg wished us a Happy New Year with their eyewear and Will politely asked everyone to stop snickering and chatting & acting like real buttholes. This might’ve been the only time I laughed out loud. Quickest way to get a full belly laugh from me is the word butthole. True story of an eight-year-old boy stuck in a 24-year-old female’s body.

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-Don’t you even think of getting in Gaga’s way, Leo.

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-Denzel wins the big award that is decided beforehand and his acceptance speech is still a hot mess. Bonus points for him and the wifey basically doing a sketch of my parents onstage though. He can’t find his speech, then he can’t read it because he doesn’t have his glasses. His wife can’t read it either because she doesn’t have her glasses. Welcome to the glasses shuffle every single time I try to show my parents something on my phone.

-Ryan Gosling drool city.

-Taraji wins for her role as Cookie and hands out cookies on her way up, which made me love her even more AND get real hungry. The sass comes out to play as she shouts at the guy helping her up the steps to get off her train. They try to play her off but they gonn’ learn that you don’t cut off Cookie. She takes her sweet ass time obviously.

-J.Law wants to be buried next to David O. Russell (Fun Fact.)

-LEO FINALLY WINS!!!!!!!! Always the bridesmaid, never the bride, Leonardo Dicaprio wins lead actor for The Revenant and of course gives a classy and composed speech, even as he’s being played off. The nerve that these turds had to play music over his long-awaited shining moment. He even found time to shout it out to his friends—~~YoU KnoW wHo u R~~ MD.BA.JL.JH

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-I feel like Ricky Gervais harassing Mel Gibson on stage should’ve been hilarious but we didn’t get to hear half of it. We did get to hear Ricky’s last words of the show: “From myself and Mel Gibson, Shalom.” PS this is what was bleeped and it made good ole Mel real uncomfy.

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In summary: If the Globes were this boring, I’m terrified for the Oscars.

Click here for full list of winners.

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Music, Red Carpet, Television

Grammy’s Red Carpet

It was music’s biggest night and the singers put on their best, which unfortunately wasn’t great. The best dressed list was a true struggle to populate and it’s not just because I’m a judgmental asshole. I had people weigh in this time. Let’s get things started with the never-ending

Worst Dressed:

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Ariana Grande with her signature tight ponytail that looks like it’s painful and a gown that looks like it was unfinished so they pinned a scrap of metallic material over it in an emergency.

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Ashanti. Do less. Also how dare you show up to the Grammy’s without Ja Rule on your arm? Show some respect.

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Charli XCX. Do even less than Ashanti. Was this supposed to be a bit? Did I miss something here?

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Trash bag meets unraveling loofah on Ciara.

The 57th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Damn it with those milkmaid braids that look to be weighing your head down, Iggy. I don’t even hate the dress because I’ve seen her do worse, but those braids really rough it up.

Jane Fonda

Legit question, why is Jane Fonda at the Grammys? In a green leisure suit nonetheless.

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I actually don’t understand how Kanye is seen as a fashion icon. His obsession with deep V’s is almost as aggress as his wife’s obsession with showing off her lady bits on the internet.

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I had to do a double take because I thought that Katharine McPhee was JWoww.

The 57th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

I think I actually like the purple hair more than I like this dress.

The 57th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Kimmy, thanks for gracing the Grammy’s with your presence in a bedazzled bathrobe. Would you like me to grab your slippers?

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Bonus points for matching the hair to the dress but yikes put the bewbs away.

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KANGOL. NUFF SAID.

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Madonna, you’re 56, woof. Time to retire the corsets.

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This is conservative for Miles. That being said she looks straight up terrible. Is she coming down from a bender?

The 57th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

I would expect nothing less from someone who sings about buhholes.

The 57th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Pharrell & Wife trying to one-up his historic Arby’s hat moment from last year with a nice readywear gym couples outfit.

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Rihanna saw this online and thought it was cool. I’m wondering if that means she stumbled upon the DIY loofah costumes on Pinterest. She looks like she’s 400 pounds.

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Ryan Adams taking his divorce with Mandy Moore well in a Canadian Tuxedo.

Zendaya

The Dumb and Dumber hairstyle, the hideous colored dress and matching lip. No thank you, Zendaya.

Best Dressed:

Anna Kendrick

Anna Kendrick with the ever popular this season, tuxedo-no bra combo.

Beyonce

BeyBey with the mermaid waves and form-fitting lace gown.

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Chrissy Teigen crushes red carpet looks all day erreday.

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Gwen Stefani wearing the pantsuit well and also keeping up appearances for her performance (see recap).

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I see you in that green velvet suit, Jesse. ❤

The 57th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Jennifer Hudson’s hair is looking pretty mom-ish but damn that body! The dress fits her well and looks great.

Mary J. Blige

MJ Blige with an age approps and beautiful gown.

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I’m still half in half out on this one, but I think I’m leaning toward in so here it is. Meghan Trainor trying something different.

Miranda Lambert

Not my favorite for Miranda but she crushes her peformance outfit so that helped her make this list. (see recap)

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Normally not a hat person but Ne-Yo is lookin real smooth.

The 57th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Nick Jonas with the fitted plaid suit paired with white kicks. Wish he picked different shoes but he looks real trendy.

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Nicole truly looks the best I’ve seen her look in a long time. Keith doesn’t deserve to be on the best dressed because of THAT HALF UP, HALF DOWN HAIRDO. NO KEITH. NO PONIES. (He also seems pretty casj about Nicole TOWERING over him.)

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Lovin on that dress on Kimberly and the sleek pony.

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Hate the hair, half in on the dress. I think the sparkles distracted me. And I drank a lot of wine tonight.

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Jessie J in this sheer black number is pretty classy. Never into the greasy slicked back hair.

AND THE BEST DRESSED OF THE EVENING GOES TO:

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This isn’t even me being a biased Taylor super fan. This look is awesome. The dress fits well, has sass in the back, is a spicy color and the legs + purple heels just seal the deal for me. Could’ve gone without the earrings that look like ones my mom used to have that I thought were costume jewelry and she was like no these are real earrings I wear in public, but whatever. I’m not going to nitpick, it’s not really my style. 😉

Keep reading for the full 4 hours condensed into highs, lows and cat naps in my Grammy’s Recap.

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