Music, Television, Uncategorized

AMA’s 2015 Recap

I gave this show a LOT of shit last year because Pitbull, obviously. Fortunately for everyone, Mr. Worldwide must’ve had prior commitments to wear white capris elsewhere and didn’t even show last night. (Along with Taylor Swift, Calvin Harris, Miranda Lambert, JT, Beyonce…etc. But whose really keeping track?)  No but actually, it appears the only attendees of last night’s awards show were fans who paid thousands of dollars to go, and the handful of winners/performers. I still found ways to laugh at the 10 celebs that were there though…so let’s dive in.

No, Thank You:

-The intro begins with JLo ruining Waiting For Tonight by singing a slowed down, sexed up version in a furry Navajo jacket surrounded by offensively dressed Indians(?) Then she declares it’s not about her (or the decision to wear these costumes) and shakes dat ass with the Redskins to a medley of nominated songs. At one point the furs are shed and what’s left is a bunch of nude body suits with target tattoos located on the dancers’ vaginas. You know, real classy stuff. THIS LASTED 8 MINUTES.

-Prince doesn’t go anywhere without his axe. Or his third eye.

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-If I wanted to see fans sing the wrong words at a concert, I’d go to one. Celebs were sitting like 20 rows back and the audience cam continuously panned to boring strangers. Tay and the seat dancing squad was SORELY missed. (Hailee Steinfeld tried to pick up the slack and came up real short.)

-Selena looked FAB during her performance, unfortunately I can’t say the same for her vocals. Or her backup dancers who looked like knockoff Magic Mikes with Aladdin pants.

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-Hey you know that shitty song that turned a singer into a verb for doing it? Well Charlie Puth sang it terribly then Marvin Gayed Meghan Trainor onstage and we all had to watch uncomfortably while they got it on.

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-FGL can’t go anywhere without wearing something outrageous and last night didn’t disappoint. The pilgrim hat meets the fivehead. Seriously though, it’s in Tyler’s best interest to start styling his receding hairline differently.

FGL

-There was a real extreme close-up of Nick Jonas’s mouth while he was singing and it was disappointing to learn that he has barf.com teeth, therefore taking him down a peg or two on the hot scale. Mouth closed, shirt off from now on, pls.

-Coldplay + DANCING GORILLAS. Hey, guys, you sing soulful power melodies…you’re not the Grateful Dead tripping acid onstage. Stop scarin us.

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-JLo progressively gets more and more naked as the night goes on and after seeing this number below, I predicted that she would close out the show in pasties.

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-Even though Karen Fairchild was wearing F. Me boots, it didn’t distract me enough from the GARBAGE song she sang with Luke Bryan that was essentially the country version of “Lemme Take a Selfie”

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-The HIGHLY ANTICIPATED Clueless reunion was really just Alicia Silverstone and Jeremy Sisto introducing Gwen Stefani. Way to really oversell that one.

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Yes, Please:

-1D’s array of mid-show fashion. Liam’s red vest. Niall’s lace shirt. HARRY’S flower bolo, flared leisure suit and SPARKLE BOOTS.

1D

-Stars they’re just like us! JLo has the greasiest of hair after her 8 minutes of dancing in culturally insensitive garb to the point where they definitely were forced to wash her hair during a commercial break.

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-Frankie Grande was like Ariana who? and made himself the centerpiece of the show from the third row. He was closer to the stage than any celebrity and he made sure we all knew it. He dances in the aisle, bops around and at one point when the camera pans to Nonna Grande, Frankie jumps right in front of her. Nona doesn’t deserve fame like Frankie does.

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-R.I.P Meek Mill. He was being DESTROYED on social media all night and then Nicki went and thanked Drake before him in her acceptance speech. Bye, Meek.

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-Nick Jonas changes things up with a church choir singing Jealous (and a lickworthy drum solo).

-While Macklemore did some slam poetry about medicine next to a guy with the skinniest tie I’ve ever seen, the audience was preetttyy unsure of how to groove, resulting in the funniest new dance move of the night: white guy jazz hands.

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-Alanis has still got it 20 years later! Shit. Demi and her teamed up to growl about Dave Coulier and it was fabulous. Alanis hasn’t missed a beat since the 90’s.

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-Celine sings a tribute to Paris in a beautiful gown. Not to take anything away from the lovely performance but I miss Celine. A lot. And I’d like to petition for her to perform “It’s All Coming Back To Me Now” at the next awards show because I know it would be electric. All in favor say “I finished crying in the instant that you left.”

celine

-I hate Bieber with the fire of a thousand suns but I know when it’s time to respect the fact that it’s his world and he knows it. He did “Sorry” splash waterfalls style and literally lip-synced right in everyone’s grillpiece in wet jeans that I can only assume resulted in chafing.

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Winners:

Soul/R&B Album- The Weeknd

Pop/Rock Duo or Group- One Direction

Country Male- Luke Bryan

Soundtrack- Pitch Perfect 2

R&B/Hip-Hop Album- Nicki Minaj “The Pinkprint”

New Artist of the Year- Sam Hunt

Pop/Rock Female- Ariana Grande

Country Female- Carrie Underwood

Collaboration of the Year- Justin Bieber Skrillex & Diplo

Alternative Artist- Fallout Boy

Rap/Hip-Hop Artist- Nicki Minaj

Soul/ R&B Male- The Weeknd

Artist of the Year- One Direction

 

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/09/15

1. Missy is bringing music videos back.

Missy was obviously always releasing bangers back in her heyday but she was also known for her extravagant videos with dancing and makeup and weird shit happening. Now that she’s officially BACK (and it’s about damn time because it’s been a century since she ripped the halftime show right out of Katy Perry’s claws) she is bringing the art of the music video back with her. This video had cartoon makeup, lifelike puppets, PhunkeeDucks, etc, etc. The Queen is back, betches.

2. Isn’t it ironic? Don’t ya think?

Props to Alanis for being in on the joke that is “Ironic”. It’s like raaaaainnnnnnnn on your wedding day! Not anymore though, now it’s like they announce a new iphone the day after you buy it. That’s 1000x worse than a no smoking sign on your cigarette break. Jus sayin, the Apple FOMO is real. James is quickly becoming my favorite late night host to make an ass of himself in front of celebrities too. He crushed the end solo.

3. Sequels on Sequels. It’s like releasing the same movie with a “2” in the title, 10 years later. And isn’t it ironic? Sorry. That song is still in my head and also I find it annoying that sequels with this much time between the first and the second movie are still happening. First up is Finding Dory, aka Finding Nemo about Dory. Dory has short term memory loss and wants to find her family or something. Finding Nemo is 12 years old. Seems like this would’ve been a great idea like no more than 5 years after the first one was made so it was still fresh. But whatevs, I’m not in the movie biz so what do I know.

Next up is My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2. Not going to lie, I 100% thought that the parents in this movie were dead now. They were old in the first movie (made 13 YEARS AGO) and if this trailer proves anything it’s that Hollywood people apparently live forever. That was a dumb sentence but I stand by it, and also I’m in a hurry to finish the JUice because I’m hungry. It’s been a whole five minutes since I’ve last eaten something. ANYWHO, everyone is older in this movie and there’s a new generation of Greeks that are embarrassed by their family. It’ll still be funny judging by this trailer and I’ll still watch it but like originality points are 0.0.

4. I love dem bad girls.

This was on last week’s SNL and it DIDN’T have Trump in it. Win, win. I’ve always been partial to these newer SNL skits with all the females acting ridiculous–the popular songs that they released about going home for the holidays were gold. Even though this isn’t their original song it’s still a perfect skit for anyone who can relate to being a pretend badass. For the record, I always ask for a water cup at Panera and then put water in it. They give you clear cups so THEY’LL KNOW IF YOU STEAL. I’m not a savage.

5. The Rock is the man and he knows it.

Apparently The Rock has a girlfriend and she’s real preggers. The hashtags say everything you need to know about The Rock.  JUST OVER HERE MAKING BABIES AND STUFF! I imagine when his girlfriend broke the news that he upturned a table and shouted YEAH. ALL DAY. ALL DAY, BABY.

BONUS, another Hills wedding…

The most tolerable of Hills characters, the classiest of Teen Vogue, Whitney Port got married over the weekend and looked like a beaut. There were no stories about Hills cast members attending the wedding because she’s a real human who separated herself from the show and only appeared once in a while to look shocked and over-pronounce her “ing” words. Anyway, she looked cool, fun and trendy on her wedding day and I approve. I wonder if Lisa Love would though?

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 8/24/15

1. Biebs is Back and wants to know what do you mean?

So the Biebster did his bad boy thing, then rehabbed his image with a very public and much too nice roast and then spent the past month hyping this single every 10 minutes on Instagram. The first few days of celebs joining in was cute, then when it was all I ever saw on the gram, it got annoying real quick and I declared that this song better be the second coming in music for it to ever live up to all of the obnoxiousness. Apparently his version of Best Song Ever is this and a lyric video with a skateboarding punk from an MTV reality show 10 years ago. No seriously. RYAN SHECKLER?! That’s who you went with for this much anticipated single drop? If you ever want to laugh uncontrollably, watch an old clip from Ry Ry’s show and listen to how terrible he is at narrating/reading from a script. It used to be one of my favorite pasttimes to talk in Ryan Sheckler voice to annoy everyone around me. “When I was little….MY mom….and MY dad….got divorced.” Anyway, I got sidetracked, the moral of the story is this song is lame.

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2. J.Law and Amy Schumer piano dance. These two goofbombs are the newest BFF’s that everyone is spazzing over. Yeah they’re both cool hot blondes who act crazy and make us giggle but I don’t think it’s headlining news that they went on vacay together…what I do think is headlining news is that Billy Joel let them stomp all over his piano at last night’s concert. Good for you, Billy–keeping your cool factor at an all-time high. Here they are grooving around to Uptown Girl. They also are apparently writing a script for a movie that they play sisters in and obviously I will be first in line to see that–especially if it’s anything like Trainwreck cause that was a top notch flick.

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3. VMA’s are this weekend. Instead of revving up with the uncomfies for what is sure to be a disgusting display from host, Miley–let’s instead look forward to gr8 talent and musical moments by watching this fab-tastic 2000’s medley from Tori Kelly who will be performing. Other announcements include Nicki Minaj opening the show again (hopefully with less buhholes, for my eyes’ sake) J.Biebs to perform his new single, Macklemore FT. RYAN LEWIS to perform their new single (which is really weird and makes my ears confused), and Kanye will receive the video vanguard award…for what exactly I’m not quite sure. And last but most, my girl Tay will be debuting the music video for Wildest Dreams which features zebras and Scott Eastwood (lick.) TUNE IN SUNDAY at 9!

4. Taylor Swift has famous friends. For the past few months that the 1989 tour has been happening, we’ve been reminded after each and every surprise guest that Taylor Swift is BFF’s with everyone but nothing prepared us for the mixed bag that her multiple nights in LA brought us. I guess there’s nothing quite like standing in front of a bunch of celebrities and just basically calling them up to the stage one by one to prove you’re all buds who party at each other’s mansions and stuff. (Clearly not jelly at all.) What I found REALLY RUDE was that she had the NERVE to bring JT back for his first post-baby performance after I just embarrassingly begged for that on this very blog. They sang one of my favorite songs and oh yeah I WASN’T THERE. #NOTFINEATALL (Peep any or all of the 1 billion pics and clips below to pretend like you were there…)

5. O-Town is the new 1D. This is not relevant or news but my friend Lindsey (via KardASHLEY) asked me if I had heard the new O-Town song and this one slipped right through the JUice apparently because it came out a while ago. I apologize for not being on top of this but I watched the music video–the song is outrageously good and the music video made me go ALL IN on Dan. Obviously Ashley Parker Angel was the real pretty boy of the group back in the day and when they released Sky Dive last year without him, I couldn’t fully get on board. But now…Ashley who? Dan get at me, bruh. This revelation comes hot on the heels of 1D announcing an upcoming hiatus that we all saw coming and I think we all know who can replace them…

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