Music, Television

TimberBowl Recap

I haven’t made it a regular thing to recap the Super Bowl. In fact, the last time I did was #49, the year of Left Shark and my very first Super Bowl win that affected my life. The Pats won, I was working in downtown Boston and got to pretend to be a fan in order to leave work for 90% of the day and watch the parade. Gronk pointed at me, I creeped on Brady and Edelman, it was a win win for everyone really. (Not so much this year…ZING.) Anyway, I got carried away there, the point of the story is, I’m gonna try and recap the Super Bowl for content again. And by recap I obviously mean laugh it up over some commercials and drool over mah main man JT.

Top Three Commercials (The only three that made me laugh):

Sprint Robots. I have the sense of humor of a five year old and this commercial was right up my alley. Robot looks this doc right in the eye and tells him he has a dumb face. BOOM. ROASTED. BY A ROBOT.

Doritos Blaze / Mountain Dew Ice. I’ve been a huge fan of Lip Sync Battle ever since it was just a sketch on Fallon and this is why. Having a celeb commit to performing someone else’s song and nailing every word is impressive. It’s even better when it’s not even close to what you expected coming out of their mouth. Peter Dinklage rapping Busta perfectly followed by Morgan Freeman doing Missy? Yes, please.

NFL Dirty Dancing. Odell Beckham Jr. and Eli Manning did the Dirrrrty and since we know OBJ has moves for days, they gave Eli the lead. And let me tell you, he was stiff as a board. Not one hip swivel that would’ve made Patrick Swayze proud.

Creepiest Commercial Award goes to: Steven Tyler driving a Kia and coming out of it a wax statue of his younger years. Seeing that was ALMOST as rough as his janky ass toes that he flaunts all over the joint.

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And finally, the real reason for this event…TIMBERBOWL TIME.

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JT kicked it off with Filthy (which I called, NBD but KBD), he struts his stuff and grinds on some betches and it’s gametime. He then dives into a medley of nothin but the hits, which isn’t really news because JT has only been putting out bangers for the past 20 years. What we do need to address is his wooftastic outfit. Busy AF mountain patterned coordinated separates, as he’s flanked by dancers wearing army green gauchos and red suspenders. YIKES. He’s really embracing this woodsy vibe I guess. This was strike one of the performance. (Adding a jacket for Suit & Tie on top of that barfarama didn’t help matters either, nor did it distract from that red handkerchief hanging from his neck.)

#SBLII #PepsiHalftime @Pepsi @NFL #MOTW @thetnkids

A post shared by Justin Timberlake (@justintimberlake) on

Strike two was taking it down halfway through for a piano solo and casual Prince projection that he played along with. I get that Prince is from Minnesota so it was supposed to be a nice tribute but like, odd way to do it. Shouts to the purple lights over the city though, cause that was cooler than watching a VHS projected on a bedsheet hanging behind his piano.

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Most importantly let’s talk about Mirrors and how it gave me chills and will continue to do so until the end of time. I wish the entire halftime performance was just him performing Mirrors, uncut. I would watch that all day, erreday. Oh yeah, and some 13 year old wiener got to take a billion selfies with JT during the trolls finale and clearly didn’t know the words to Can’t Stop the Feeling, which you have to be a moron not to know the words to. GET IT TOGETHER, KID. The internet has immediately roasted him for not having a clue who Justin even is. So now we’ve made him even more famous. Eye roll.

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Overall rating: Safe halftime show, wooftastic wardrobe, entertaining obviously but could’ve used more fun stuff (like maybe an N*SYNC reunion). Also that dancing?! Undie slush city.

PS Everyone can F all the way off with this shit about JT creating controversy by performing Rock Your Body without Janet Jackson. HEY WORLD, JANET JACKSON IS IRRELEVANT, JT GETTING THE HALFTIME SHOW IS NOT AN ATTACK ON HER OR HER RACE. STFU.

BONUS: Since I stayed up WAY past my bed time. Like WAY WAY (talking 2am, folks) to watch Jack Pearson traumatically die and then FINALLY the tonight show. Here’s some clippy clips. JT and JFall continued to make me giggle and feel as though I am a part of their bromance as they do silly voices and have inside jokes. Me too, guys! I’m in this too! Also Justin continued his new “outdoorsy” lewk with jeans, tims, a bright orange shirt and camo jacket. I’m a little peeved with him replacing the fedora with this weird Marv from Home Alone beanie. But whatevs. He performed two songs as well but lezzz be real, I stayed up just to watch him act like an idiot with his BFF Jimmy.

Music, Red Carpet, Television

Grammys Red Carpet 2018

I gotta be straight up with you. I have a very hard time watching any music awards show that doesn’t feature the big three. Not the Pearson triplets, JT, Bey & Tay of course. Even Ed made the Grammy cutoff and got snubbed REAL hard with no big noms. That’s not the kind of world I want to live in and it was a struggle for me to get excited about this year’s show, which obviously didn’t live up to the hype. Besides Blue calming her parents down, it was a can miss event. Unfortunately same goes for the red carpet. Time to start prepping for the real showdown, Man of the Woods vs Reputation…2019.


60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Stop it right now, Giuliana. Act your age.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Coincidence grouped these two stringy looks together. It ain’t doing it for me.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Mustard AND velvet. TWO thumbs down.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Clearly Jenny McCarthy was feeling irrelevant and thought a blue wig, early 2000’s rose-tinted bedazzled shades and black sheer gloves would solve that problem.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet


60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Camila looks like she’s going to prom and this is only 60% of me being bitter about a singer who made a song with sounds that rhyme with Havana.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

I had these exact pants when I was in 8th grade and wore them on Easter with black flats and a baby blue shrug cardigan (with a mouth full of braces) so no I will not support this look at the Grammy’s, no matter how much you try to sex it up, Anna.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Why are purple shiny boots ever necessary?

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Kesha’s hair looks great but this western unisex look she’s been workshopping the past few years is killing me.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Woof city: population Joey.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

I commend Chrissy for being this pregnant and still wearing heels like that. My balloon ass feet would not look good in those and I’m not carrying another human. The dress sucks though. Saarrryyy.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

What was the inspo behind this outfit? 1980’s news reporter gone bad gurl?

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet


60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

I love Pink and her daughter and I feel personally victimized by this dress choice.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Same name or not I can’t get behind someone with crystal butterflies adorning their gown.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

The Cardi B tooth fairy in the building.


60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

This is the most flattering dress I’ve ever seen and I want it. Talk about an hourglass fig!

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Ryan throwing some mad hipster vibes.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Always love when Gaga goes class act instead of shock value.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

This year’s host looking like a dapper Dan.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

I’m never not going to gush over Lauren and Thomas is wearing fur loafers sooo he wins.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

I don’t love or hate this dress but it was really a struggle here for rounding up a best dressed list.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Let’s politely ignore the fact that Ashanti’s nipples are loudly on display and just admire the golden beauty of this princess dress.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Nick clearly left his dinner date in Hell’s Kitchen to roll over to the Grammy’s but I don’t even hate it because he looks fine as hell.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

I don’t really know what’s going on with this neck shoulder thing but Miley redeemed herself with a lovely pink gown for her performance as she further proves my theory that she’s back to dressing classy ever since Liam da Gawd took her trash ass back.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

I respect this F it outfit for someone whose a brand new artist at the Grammys. Oh I’m nominated for my first grammy? Watch me wear sneaks and a white tee to go snag it.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals


Music, Pop Culture

End Game: A Night Out with Taylor Swift


At this point you shouldn’t even be shocked by a blog dedicated to each and every Taylor Swift music video, it should be expected. After all, if she’s going to release every one like it’s a feature film then I’m going to pop popcorn and watch it on repeat like my favorite movie. This latest release represents her foray into the rap game and leading up to the drop I was salivating in anticipation of seeing Taylor as a rap video ho. Let me tell you, it was everything and more. What I didn’t expect is for ya girl to show us how she can PARTAY. Previously assumed to be the lame friend who comes out for one drink then spends the rest of the night at home baking and doing puzzles surrounded by her cats, this is a real shake up for the Tay image and a moment that I didn’t know I had been waiting for all my life. When I asked my friend and fellow Swiftie Lindsey what my angle should be for breaking down this video she replied “A night out with Taylor Swift and why we should be best friends.” In the name of laziness and letting my friends feed me ideas for my blogs…LET’S DO THIS. Breaking down the stages of partying with Taylor and why each one is awesome.

5. Dancing on a yacht. This is CLASSIC rap video staple and also just a general celebrity FU to the world. What do rich people do when they want to party in any warm region of the world? They take to the sea on a lavish yacht and that’s the most obvious. Taylor doesn’t just set sail though, she also assembles a girl crew for a quick coordinated dance on top deck while fireworks pop in the distance. Gawd, she’s cool. Permission to climb aboard, Tay?


PS while we’re discussing the Miami portion of the video, might I point out that her glitter hoodie dress is probably my favorite outfit in this and I would like one for myself stat, as well as a cool hallway in an abandoned home to strut around in while wearing it.


4. DDR. Tokyo brings out a nerd side of Taylor as she tries on Ed’s glasses and makes goofy faces then has a casual DDR competition and grabs a juicebox because I guess that’s how they party in the Tokster. The best part about this is that Taylor rips a shot with Ed and it’s GAME ON after that. You always know when your evening is going to go from casual to the real deal when someone orders a shot and T tosses it back like a CHAMP. This ain’t her first rodeo. (Or it’s water. I’m choosing to believe she can hang.)


3. House Party. Over the pond we get to see what a house party should look like if you live in a penthouse that has skyline views and once again, there are fireworks. Do we think Taylor just travels with a firework guy? Like calls her manager that morning, “OK, I’m going to be in Barcelona tonight, can Jake be there with some bottle rockets, air bombs, black snakes and uhh why doesn’t he toss in a few roman candles. Make sure he starts the show at 10 when we start taking shots. KTHNXBYEEEE.” That’s how I imagine her life goes. Anyway, house party Taylor includes a million friends, a girl with a pink camera to document all the fun they’re having, oh and her own personal rap show in front of the fireplace. I mean if you’re going to have everyone over for a night of debauchery there should also be some form of entertainment. Her in a sparkly crop top rapping like a badd bitch seems like the best kind. That wink at the end? Oh Lord. Gave me shivers.


2. Bar Hoppin. Now we’re getting to the stages of partying that us commoners can appreciate and participate in at the same level. Taylor takes the whole crew out to the bar in London and then proceeds to play snake on her phone while a friend pours her drink into her mouth. If you don’t think I’m going to start doing that at the bar you’re an IDIOT. Fair warning to my friends, if my hands are busy, your duty is to get that alcohol into my mouth regardless. If we’re not allowed to go out on the town with Taylor, then I think it’s reasonable to channel her while out. I’ll have to phone pub and ask if it’s cool of me to lounge atop the bar before attempting. Mostly because the last time I climbed up on a barstool and heavy leaned over the bar to get a drink I almost got kicked out, which seems irrational but whatever. I’ll just pull up this video as reference moving forward.


I also respect the hell out of Taylor ending the night with drunk nomz. Granted, she’s eating a kebab in a blue fur coat and I’m usually siphoning a slice of ‘za on my walk home, but still good to know that she understands the importance of an end of the night drunk snack.


1. Closet Drinking. This is something that we can all accomplish and should at some point in our lives. Again, not all of us have a walk-in closet to do so, but literally just getting drunk with your bestie in sweats and just living in that drunk-at-home space is really where the magic happens. You don’t have to worry about how you’re getting home or where you’re sleeping or crowds or people being annoying because you’re in your own home and can do whatever the hell you want. You wanna sip drinks in a fleece robe in your closet? Do it up, girl. AIN’T NOBODY STOPPIN YA.


Since Taylor is probably busy this weekend going out with her squad (are they taking applications yet?) you’ll just have to channel your inner party T and do her proud. Slap on some sparkles or even a top hat, and dance it out with a drink in your hand. You really wanna get crazy? Set off some fireworks. Legally, of course. Not trying to get sued here or have you set yourself on fire. On second though, maybe just stick to the going out part and don’t F with fire hazards.




Music, Television

AMA’s Recap 2017

I often like to milk two blogs out of awards shows and even though barely anyone reads these recaps, I laugh at myself while writing them, and that’s truly what is most important. Here’s the top five things to take away from last night’s AMA’s, which packed a lot of good performances into an awards show that gives out fake awards to whoever shows up, basically.

1. Selena is OV-ER-RATED, clap, clap, clapclapclap.

Everyone was buzzing about her performance because she’s made it VERY WELL KNOWN that it was her only live performance of this year due to GETTING A NEW KIDNEY and everything. Well, it sucked. Real hard. She basically came onstage just to writhe around a car in a white nightie, covered in fake blood. Girl didn’t even attempt to lip sync. At one point I’m pretty sure she fell asleep on top of said car. If she didn’t, then I sure as hell did because it was a REAL snooze. Also, can everyone stop associating her Lupus/kidney surgery with everything that she does? She’s recovered. It’s not like she walked out of the hospital to give this performance and couldn’t dance too hard or else risk popping stitches. Chill on it. Notably absent from cheering her on, though? Biebs. He seems like a super supportive BF.

2.  Xtina is dead. Haven’t seen ole Xtina in a while (apparently people have forgotten how her last name is pronounced) and suddenly she’s doing a Whitney tribute and the only reason I knew it was really her was because she held her ear and waved her hand up and down when she did vocal riffs. Otherwise, who is this woman with Kylie Jenner lips and how did she get the honor of singing a Whit medley?


Since we now know that it really was her…and that People is crediting “natural makeup” for her completely transformed face, it would be wrong of me to say that she didn’t crush it because she has a powerhouse voice. Even if Pink DID give her stank face. (lolzzzzzz firing up an old Lady Marmalade feud, what The Salty Ju does best)

Pink shocked face AMAs

Credit: ABC

3. Pink makes acrobats cool again. SPEAKING OF PINK, as soon as I heard “and Pink will be making history with a performance from the sky”, I audibly groaned. You guys KNOW how much I hated the played out ribbons performance. It’s like for 3 years that’s all she knew how to do at awards shows. Well I bit my tongue real quick because what followed was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. I mean she literally went face down off the side of a building while performing. I was getting naush just looking at it, so you have to be another level of badass to be like yup I’m staring at the ground 500 ft away from me and just crushing choreography and singing. She won the night and that’s pretty obvious.

4. Ashlee Simpson is back. 

ross fam

The Ross family was a focal point of the evening as Tracee Ellis Ross hosted and Diana Ross received a “you’re still alive and killin it” award, so obviously I was all about seeing how former punk rock princess Ashlee fit into this family dynamic. Turns out, her and that beautiful specimen Evan created one of the most adorable babies on this earth. During Diana’s performance the camera panned to her singing along and just living her damn life as a famous toddler. But then, as soon as she was pulled onstage at the end, she froze and pooped her diaper. Ashlee quickly turned into a stage mom dancing off to the side to get her kid to perform for the cameras and it was a real failure.

What a whirlwind of emotions it was keeping up with that family though. Props to her grandson who not only showed off his best dance moves right in Jagger’s grillpiece (stage fright doesn’t extend to all of the Ross children) but also jacked the mic to tell his grandma that he’s so proud and go off script giving every producer of this show a G-D heart attack. You da real MVP.




I legitimately had to google BTS after they flashed the camera to a bunch of Asians with the same haircut over and over again. The internet said these guys came out with their first single in 2013. TWO THOUSAND THIRTEEN?! I graduated college then. THAT WAS A LONG ASS TIME AGO. And they’re supposedly famous?! You shut your whore mouth. I patiently waited for them to take the stage to see what it is that they offered that would make them “mega international superstars.” Wanna know what they did? They had robot auto tune voices (I’m assuming this music was created in a studio just with a computer) that sang in a different language, and these matching mushroom cut boys danced to it. That was it. Girls knew the words and were legit in TEARS over this performance. WHAT AM I MISSING HERE?! WHAT HAS THIS WORLD COME TO?!


Taylor Swift: Reputation


Everyone’s favorite feature is back! Not just every album gets The Salty Ju review, but if you’re Ed Sheeran or Taylor Swift, expect me to break it down track by track. As you’ve all had time to listen to Tay’s latest in full and form your own opinions, now it’s time to read mine! Also indirectly happy anniversary to me, as Taylor’s last album drop was the first blog I ever wrote, when I realized that I had a true calling for over-analyzing pop culture and making everyone read it. HAPPY TIMES ALL AROUND!

*’ed tracks are my bangers.

1. …Ready For It? Her second single off the album that I confused for a football promo song still bangs so hard. The video sucks, to be clear because I’m not really into robot stuff but I can appreciate Taylor coming into her own and singing all about sex stuff. There was some backlash at first that she’s trying to rap but I dig it. Gr8 pump up song all around. Bonus points for her sexy choreography while performing this live on SNL. She’s really doubling down on the “no longer a virg” image.

Best Lyric: Touch me, and you’ll never be alone

2. End Game (ft Ed Sheeran & Future)*. I was all set and ready to hate this song because Future is one of those new age rappers that basically just sounds like he’s got a dick in his mouth 24/7. There’s no enunciation and essentially it just sounds like a dying cat mouthing noises but I was pleasantly surprised because this is one of my favorites. Future is fine, Ed does what he does best (everything) and Taylor pulls a little hip hop flavor out of her ass getting me all sorts of riled up with her cocky shouting of BIG REPUTATION OHHHHH over and over again. I’m not saying I’m going to be going around screaming BIG REPUTATION all day erreday, but I’m not not saying it either. Ya know?

Best Lyric: I swear I don’t love the drama, it loves me. (Life motto, pretty much.)

3. I Did Something Bad*. This is right about the time that I realized Reputation Taylor = Thug Taylor and I’m all hands on deck for it. The gunshots, the ‘tude, it all comes together perfectly for bad grl vibez. Oh everyone’s gonna talk about how she plays the victim? Well joke’s on you cause Tay knows exactly what she’s doing and it feels SUH GUD. Don’t you even think about spending her change, bro. KEEP WALKING. Or she’ll drop you like a MF’er!

Best Lyric: If a man talks shit, then I owe him nothing / I don’t regret it one bit, ’cause he had it coming. BOOM. ROASTEDDDDDDD.

4. Don’t Blame Me. WHOA whaddup church, Tay. This is interesting. Not an immediate fave but I don’t hate it either. If I were to attend Sunday Mass, I would like this to be included…maybe during communion? The Body of Christ & “Lord save me, my drug is my baby.” Makes sense. Alright fine, now that I’ve typed that out it DOES seem a little dark. But like, if love doesn’t make you crazy then you’re not doing it right? RIGHT GUYS, RIGHT?! (this is how I imagine Taylor presenting this one to her BFF’s, with a table full of disapproving looks.)

Best Lyric: My name is whatever you decide / And I’m just gonna call you mine. RRrrrRrred Flag.

5. Delicate. If we’re going to speculate about who every single song is about (all of America) then this one is clearly about her current flame Joe. If I were Joe and I were listening to this song I’d be like woooo you were a bit crazy when we met. I don’t think there should ever be a circumstance where guys know what is going through a girl’s mind when you’re on your first few dates. I mean she’s literally like hey is it cool if I say that you can’t see any other girls and I’m obsessed with you? Is that kewl? You can tell she’s trying to be calm here by calling it delicate but like just can’t quite reign in the visions of forever after grabbing drinks with him & probably having an adult sleepover one night.

Best Lyric: My reputation’s never been worse, so / You must like me for me…

6. Look What You Made Me Do. Original reaction: Oh ok, we’re doing theater music with those fairy dust opening piano bars without words. Aaaand just kidding now I’m terrified. YIKES this is creepy. And THEN to top it all off, we get talking Tay, as she tends to do to amp up the drama:

“I’m sorry, the old Taylor can’t come to the phone right now.”


“Oh ’cause she’s dead!”


So yeah. First listen was a rollercoaster of emotions (most of them hate). But you know what? It’s just Tay being Tay. And I’m here for it. Obviously Taylor Swift is dramatic AF and acts like a G-D thirteen year old, which really caters to her preteen fans but like if you expected anything less at this point then you’re wrong. She’s going to capitalize on every feud/breakup, act like the victim, then write a sassy tell all song about it and that’s a fact, Jack. Get on board or get off of this planet. H8ers will be bumping this by next week. Today’s Take: I still agree with everything I said. Chorus isn’t great but the rest of this song is awesome sauce & the video was GOAT…made me love it a BILLION times more.

Best Lyric: OBVIOUSLY ‘Oh, cause she’s dead!’ And it isn’t even a question.

7. So It Goes…* Another sexy jam, which has become quite the trend for late twenties T. She’s really embracing her sultry side and I respect the hell out of it. I could see her writing this right around the time she was creating promo sex songs for the 50 Shades franchise with Zayn. Except instead of whips and handcuffs, she’s just into wearing her man like a necklace and maybe some light back scratching.

Best Lyric: You know I’m not a bad girl, but I / Do bad things with you (Told you I was ALL IN on old, innocent Taylor being dead.)

8. Gorgeous. Original reaction: Alright, I’m out. I mean it was bound to happen. If you’re going to release three songs from your probably only 13 track album (just release the whole damn thing already) I knew there was a chance I was going to hate one of them and here we are. Going from singing about sex in Ready For It.. to you’re too gorgeous for me and I’ll just get drunk and go home to my cats. Really Tay?! Grow up. This is 100% a song for her preteen superfans and I’m just far too mature for it, honestly. Everyone’s saying it’s about her new boyfriend Joe Alwyn who is not the type of gorgeous that you write a song about his face. (“Cause you’re so gorgeous it actually hurts”) Scott Eastwood? Sure. This guy:


Not so much.

PS GTFO of here with adding children into a song. This isn’t Kidz Bop. Today’s take: the kidz bop intro was actually recorded by none other than Blake Lively & Ryan Reynolds’ curly-headed nugget James. I still hate it. But like damn it that’s pretty awesome. Famous people doin famous people stuff.

Best Lyric: Ocean blue eyes looking in mine / I feel like I might sink and drown and die. So dramats.

9. Getaway Car. This one has Swifties all up in arms because everyone needs to know exactly what her dating timeline is between Calvin, Tom and Joe. They did some creepy amounts of digging and came to the conclusion that everything went down at the Met Gala when Taylor had that HIDEOUS bleach blonde bob. How a girl dies her hair that aggressively and has 3 men fawning over her at a costume ball is the real puzzle here. I’d like a song about that scenario instead. ALLEGEDLY, at the Met Gala, Taylor was fighting with Calvin and things weren’t going superb, then she danced the night away with Tom and also was gazing all up in Joe’s baby blues or something. Who knows. All I know is that this is classic catchy pop. One of the few songs that gives me real 1989 vibes.

Best Lyric: But you weren’t thinkin’ / And I was just drinkin’. Get it grrrlll.

10. King of my Heart. Again, very obviously an ode to her British as shit boyfriend. This song kind of annoys me to be honest. First of all, we’re getting a REAL overload of this Joe character. It’s great that you’re happy, girl. But after staying completely out of the spotlight with this one–probably giving it a real shot, it seems like a counter-productive move to then write all of your personal thoughts and feels about him into a full album of songs. Second of all, how she pronounces Jaguars makes me want to bang my head against a wall repeatedly. It doesn’t sound cool, it sounds stupid. This will most likely be a skip from me, dawg. THIRD OF ALL, too much auto-tune.

Best Lyric: With all these nights we’re spending / Up on the roof with a school girl crush / Drinking beer out of plastic cups. Stars & Brits, they’re just like us! Drinking out of red solo cups.

11. Dancing with Our Hands Tied. This is fun, if it’s fun to basically say you’re in a relationship that’s for sure going to fail. Kind of depressing when you think about it. Hey baby, let’s keep dancing but also this will go down in flames if we stop. Yiiiiikes.

Best Lyric: I’m a mess, but I’m the mess that you wanted

12. Dress. Another scandal in the eve and a crowd favorite for a lot of her fans but I’m just lukewarm to this one. It definitely has some breathy (somewhat orgasmic) Wildest Dreams callbacks. If I’m going to pick a sex song fave from this album, I’m going So It Goes… all the way, every day. This one’s nice and all but I guess it just do it for me like it does for Taylor judging by those sound effects she’s huffing throughout the song. Ever think about how awkward that must be to record with probably a handful of old audio techs breaking down every little sound?

Best Lyric: Flashback when you met me / Your buzzcut and my hair bleached / Even in my worst times, you could see the best of me. (If her and Joe could make it through two atrocious hairstyles, they can make it through anything.)

13. This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things*. Should she probably let the Kanye feud go already? Yeah. BUT WHO CARES IF SHE KEEPS WRITING BANGERS ABOUT IT. I mean this is genius. Literally spanking Kim and Kanye through lyrics and creating an anthem at the same damn time. That’s how it’s done. Where has Kanye even been lately? Definitely not living like Gatsby. How cocky is it to compare yourself to Gatsby and have everyone be like well yeah, makes sense. I mean have you seen pics from her casual 4th of July bangers at her Rhode Island mansion? WHAT a boss. Suck a D, K & K. Extra props for the entire bridge riffing off of Kanye’s “Runaway” song. That’s true dissing in art form.

Best Lyric: The cackle. Can we count the cackle as a lyric because it is downright hilarious. Other than that… But I’m not the only friend you’ve lost lately / If only you weren’t so shady. HAHAHAHAHA JAY-Z HATES YOU GUYS TOO!

14. Call It What You Want. Original reaction: I’m down with this little love song. Cause in case you didn’t hear, Taylor’s in love. And she doesn’t need to flaunt it around. Unless she’s writing a song about it. Or like, doing very public dates with Tom Hiddleston (which I still think was all bullshit but that’s neither here nor there.) Anyway, she’s real up front about being chill as hell now: “All the liars are calling me one, Nobody’s heard from me for months, I’m doing better than I ever was, ’cause” CAUSE SHE’S IN LOOOOOOOOVE. Today’s Take: The more that I listen to this song, the more I like it. It’s just a simple love song, no frills. The ONLY bone I have to pick with it is comparing her boyfriend to a brother. Trust is important but dropping a bro comparison into the mix is a little odd for romance. It’s like comparing your sig other to your dad or something. Too far.

Best Lyric: I want to wear his initial on a chain round my neck / Chain round my neck / Not because he owns me / But ’cause he really knows me (Modern day romance…this will 100% be a new trend.)

15. New Year’s Day*. This song gives me all of the chills. And I love that it’s the last song because it should stick with listeners the most after all the womp womps and badass sassy Tay fades. It’s true T. Swift and dare I say it, the most like All Too Well–not that anything will ever compare. Nothing but a little piano playing and some lovely words about a relationship that lasts through the party. Sigh. So sweet. It’s almost like Taylor knows how to warm this icy cold heart of mine and end the album in tears.

Best Lyric: Hold onto the memories and they will hold onto you.

Overall Opinion: Even though her sound is much different and more pop & hip hop influenced, the core of Taylor, which is her boss songwriting skills. She could be rapping right at my face but if her lyrics are still top dog, then I’m down. She’s maturing her storytelling (except for Gorgeous) and I support it wholeheartedly.


LWYMMD Best F Off Moments

I never thought I’d have a reason to thank the VMA’s but instead of teasing this very clear only reason to watch that awards show full of preteen bholes until the last five minutes, MTV/TAY gave the people what they wanted right off the bat. This masterpiece music video premiered within the first hour of the show and allowed me to check out for the remainder because it’s obvious that’s all that matters (it’s also obvious that I don’t turn to MTV for my politics and current events news.) Anywho, I could probably watch this music video every day this week and find something new every time, but in the spirit of riding comeback Taylor’s coattails, here are the top five fuck ALL THE WAY off moments from a RIDICULOUS music video.


5. Bathing in Diamonds

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You know what would be cool? Being rich enough to LITERALLY bathe in diamonds. It’s even cooler getting to bathe in diamonds & money just for F’s sake and looking like a babe while doing it. Definitely never thought I’d be down with the red claws on TSwizz until I saw it surrounded by riches and matching her lip perfectly. Now I’m all in.

4. Birdcage Swangin in Thigh High Boots.

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Orange isn’t my favorite color but can’t pass over the shots of dis sly bitch just swinging around a birdcage wearing boots that lace up to her nipples. Can I make a music video just for the wardrobe? It’s like the best game of dress up a girl could dream of. There is literally no point to this scene other than just looking cool AF and hangin loose from the top of a birdcage big enough for a pterodactyl.

3. Latex Clonemaster.

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Domanatrix-cloning-Taylor can GET. IT. I didn’t think all of the sultry looks from the Blank Space video could be topped but then angsty T killed Blank Space Taylor and was like I can look even hawter. Oh all her Squad looks exactly alike (cough cough excluding Lena cough) well guess Tay just has to slap on a lil latex and say something about that. To be clear, what she said was “look at my rockin bod.”

2. The Opposite of Awkward Dancing.

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No one can ever call her awards seat dancing awkward ever again. Once you lead a pack of gays in a little thigh slapping and dropping it down low in fishnets, you seal the deal for professional dancer in my book. This entire dance sequence was impressive as shit. H8ers say she stole it from Beyonce, I say since when did Beyonce invent a dance posse in the flying V? Ducks fly together, Yonce. And this ain’t no Darryn’s Dance Grooves.

1. A Sea of Taylors; Dead.

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This was without a doubt the COOLEST part of this video. Taylor is known for her over the top music video/live performance personas and she freaking STOOD ATOP A PILE OF THEM CLAWING THEIR WAY TO SURVIVE. I studied video production in college (humble brag, I have a degree in TV) and even I have no clue how this scene was created but it is BOMBBBBB.

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Piggybacking off of the mountain of music video Taylor’s is this spectacular end skit where Taylor calls out all her own bullshit. Playing the victim, getting mad about being called bitch, the surprise face, the fake niceness (and country accent), being excluded from this narrative. BRAVA, TAY, BRAVAAAAA!

PS: Could’ve done without the immediate nightmares though.

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JUice, Music

Weekly JUice: Taylor Swift Edition

Week of 8/21/17: The Week Badd Bitch Taylor Swift Rose from the Dead

Everyone who is anyone knows I brought The Salty Ju out of a boring celebrity summer retirement for Tay’s new music BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY I’VE ONLY BEEN PATIENTLY WAITING 3 YEARS FOR THIS SHIT.

Why don’t we break it down piece by piece since there’s CLEARLY nothing else going on in celeb news lately (cough cough nice try with your garbage swish swish music video, Katy Perry.)

1. Snake.  Everyone sounded the alarms last week when Tay cleared all social media. Rumbles were heard that she was gearing up for an announcement and I sat back and girded my loins. It was the 3 year anniversary of her announcing 1989 in typical over the top fashion and I kept quiet about it but I was ready. This week, on her creepy, no picture social media, she releases a cryptic terrifying snake video three days in a row. What eclipse? It’s Taylor’s new music week AND WE ALL MUST DISSECT THIS 3 SECOND SOUNDLESS VID.

Obvious assumption: girl’s about to CLAP BACK at Kim and Kanye because as you’ll recall they decided to come after her about approving the lyric calling her a bitch in “Famous” by posting a sketchy phone call on snap chat with a bunch of snake emojis. She didn’t want to be included in that narrative at the time but I GUESS SHE DOES NOW because that narrative will make her some coin. Other theories included her going after Katy Perry but like if Taylor is low enough to respond to someone who clearly used their dumbass old feud to publicize her shitty new album and tour then I refuse to respect this new music. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll listen to the shit out of it, but I WILL NOT respect it if she’s still entertaining jabs at someone who clearly sucks at life and makes an offensively bad beef song called Swish, Swish.

2. Reputation. And on the THIRD day, Tay gave us an album cover, title and release date. And I was like WE HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL NOVEMBER FOR THIS SHIT?! Seriously. 1989 came out when I lived in Boston. THAT WAS A LIFETIME AGO. My 1989 review was the first blog I published. Don’t you guys feel like you’ve been reading The Salty Ju FOR-EV-ER now?! THEN…I realize that Tay is going all 8th grade angst punk rock. She’s got the slicked hair/dark lips, the Good Charlotte font and the Ashlee Simpson throwback album cover. WHOA. Was not expecting that from her. Curveball, Tay. Don’t get her angry you little snakes or she’ll go emo.

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But I digress. I got ready for this single, with hopes soaring high that it would be good enough to hold me over until NO-VEM-BER. Basically I just assumed Taylor in full-on angst mode would be several variations of “I Know Places.” Which was BOMB. (Spoiler alert: definitely nothing like hunters and foxes.)

3. Look What You Made Me Do. I went to bed at 9:43PM last night and set an alarm for midnight so I wouldn’t miss this release. I would say that’s dedication but it’s actually just embarrassing. Just a year ago I was able to stay up for the release of JT’s comeback single (if we count writing a banger for an animated movie about Trolls a comeback) and now I’m too old to stay up past 10 without an alarm. I shame myself so you don’t have to. Turns out she released it at 11:30 like a real dick and I could’ve just stayed awake for it. Either way, here are my immediate first impressions upon a listen at 12:01 AM in my bed as I scrambled to open Spotify on my laptop:

Oh ok, we’re doing theater music with those fairy dust opening piano bars without words. Aaaand just kidding now I’m terrified. YIKES this is creepy. And THEN to top it all off, we get talking Tay, as she tends to do to amp up the drama:

“I’m sorry, the old Taylor can’t come to the phone right now.”


“Oh ’cause she’s dead!”


So yeah. First listen was a rollercoaster of emotions (most of them hate). But you know what? It’s just Tay being Tay. And I’m here for it. Obviously Taylor Swift is dramatic AF and acts like a G-D thirteen year old, which really caters to her preteen fans but like if you expected anything less at this point then you’re wrong. She’s going to capitalize on every feud/breakup, act like the victim, then write a sassy tell all song about it and that’s a fact, Jack. Get on board or get off of this planet. H8ers will be bumping this by next week.

4.  Fan Reactions that made me LoL.

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LoLoL swifties.

5. Video Sneak Peek. IT’S SENSORY OVERLOAD. Single drops last night, teasers of the music video this morning on GMA, which will be premiered in full at that trash ass awards show that MTV still allows themselves to air every year. Do I want to endure the VMA’s with Katy Perry as host? Absolutely not. Will I do it to see that video? YOU BETCHA. Here is the badd bitch in all her claw havin’ snake glory:

So we’re really pushing with the snake theme, huh? Also OF COURSE Todrick would be front and center in this sassy dance posse lineup. Anyway, if this video is ANYTHING like the Blank Space vid and it looks like it is, then YES.