Weekly JUice

Week of 4/12/2021

1. Adios, Macho. “For Real” This Time.

Pretty torn up about the JLo Arod split but mostly because she didn’t text me about it first. Please respect my privacy during this very difficult time.
— Julia Giantomasi (@TheSaltyJu) March 12, 2021

Obviously this is NOT breaking news. A full ass month ago we found out that JLo and ARod could not make it to the altar despite their matching two syllable hoodrat nicknames making us all believe they were indeed soulmates. As soon as the news broke, they tried to walk it back saying they weren’t over, just working through a rough patch. Mmk, guys, whatever. This was obviously them trying to control the story when they’ve probably been separated for months. As I hinted before, the fact that I didn’t find out from a personal text from my girl was the most hurtful part of this split. But now, they’ve made a joint statement. (Again…still waiting on my text…)

In summary: Couples therapy couldn’t save them once the world knew their love was dead and also staying together for the kids apparently wasn’t working. Good thing their deal didn’t go through or they’d have to stay together for the Mets too. YOIKES. Anyway, despite the jokes, these two did seem like they were a match made in heaven and I was happy that Jenny from tha block who can’t seem to stop getting engaged and/or married finally found her forever Macho. But alas, love is pure garbage, even if it don’t cost a thing. There were rumors of cheating…my first thought was who would cheat on that perfect specimen but my friend Kat makes a valid point that although I don’t want to face, I’m forced to: at what point does JLo look internally and wonder why she can’t hold down a mans. I’m there to comfort her if she needs it–I’m just a text away but by the looks of things she ain’t the one who needs comforting. ARod posted this story on his Insta when the news broke:

SOMEONE DO A WELLNESS CHECK ON THIS GUY. Listening to Fix You while he looks at pictures of the two of them?! SHEESH. He’s one step away from the ending of A Star is Born. Chris Martin’s about to have blood on his hands for creating an absolute SMASH to cry to. But seriously though, someone get eyes on ARod before he crumbles and starts tweeting Peyton quotes from One Tree Hill.

2. Colton is Gay & Also a Reality TV Whore.

Fun Fact: I already had Colton’s 1st ABC headshot locked and loaded because once upon a time I used to blog Bachelor Nation until they all pissed me off so much that I had to force myself into early retirement. AND THIS SHIT?! THIS IS WHY. Here’s the lowdown for all y’all (me now included) who no longer invest 19 hours a week to this godforsaken franchise. Colton was a contestant on the bachelorette and then eventually he was the big cheese, the bachelor. His main “storyline” was that he was a big booty big ole Virg. And if there’s something reality TV loves, it’s honing in on the adults who have never had sex, making them feel suuuuper ashamed and embarrassed about it, then trying to get them to sex it up in a fantasy suite for a full closure story arc. To my knowledge, Colton didn’t fall into this trap and remained free of bonetown throughout his whole season. He left single and pursued Cassie who left his season early because she wasn’t ready to get married. They dated for a while and just recently broke up a few months ago where Colton then proceeded to stalk and harass Cassie until she took out a restraining order against him. Now he’s gay. He did an exclusive interview with Robin Roberts where he comes out officially and is living his truth now. Listen, Colton. I’m happy for ya, and I’mma let y’all finish but being gay doesn’t excuse being a total shitbag to your ex-girlfriend who was probably already reeling from the fact that you were pretty much never attracted to her. He tried to explain it away as being in a “dark place” and gave like a half-assed apology. So not only do I have a bone to pick with that, but also…buddy, take a beat and reflect on yourself and this new chapter of your life. In the past five years he’s been on every ideation of Bachelor Nation, including being the lead of his own season, has written a memoir, comes out publicly on GMA and NOW he’s filming a Netflix reality show about life after coming out. No. Nope. That’s enough. Relax, dude. Stop being a TOTAL reality show whorebag. Find your way without a camera crew. This is unhealthy. Cut the shit.

Oh hey, speaking of people who hoe themselves out for reality tv, check out the return of the horrific Hills reboot because OF COURSE Kristin is back… (*drink every time they say they don’t want to hurt people along the way, oops I’m hammered*)

3. White Boy Summer.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by 𝗖𝗛𝗘𝗧 𝗛𝗔𝗡𝗞𝗦 (@chethanx)

Remember Chet Hanks? Course you do. It’s Tom Hanks’ black sheep son who spent several years exclusively speaking in a Jamaican accent and making us all wonder how America’s treasure Tom and his lovely wife Rita created this. Well he’s back. He made a video a month or so ago declaring it White Boy Summer. And those that weren’t incredibly offended by this were intrigued to hear more. So Chet followed that up with Official Rules (No Sperrys, no plaid shirts & no calling girls smokeshows.) And then Official Merch that seemed borderline racist due to his choice in font so he addressed that as well, also adding in Black Queen Summer.

And for the grand finale… THIS MASTERPIECE:

I mean….Yes. This is just so preposterous. Chet has finally come to terms with how outrageous he is as a human being and created something that he seems to actually be in on the joke with. The song’s got a catchy beat, he’s out here slappin Black Queen cheeks and covering them with SPF 50 with his Good Charlotte font merch and I enjoyed every second of it. We all needed a good laugh and Chet Hanx the self-proclaimed Vanilla King delivered. The only thing that would’ve made this even better was an appearance from complete polar opposites Tom & Colin Hanks. A cutaway to dear ole dad after those shenanigans would’ve really hit the funny bone:

4. Dancing With The Devil.

This is old news but in case you haven’t noticed, I’ve been on a little celeb hiatus for about a month now so I’m gonna yap about whatever I want now that I’ve returned. (The celeb hiatus was due to the fact that I got published *TWICE* not talking about Hollyweird and also my laptop was like hey, next up on your life bingo card of shitty and expensive things that happen out of the blue is me dying so buhbye.) So here I am, typing away on my gently used Macbook that was the only cost I could swing in the moment and I’M GONNA TALK ABOUT DEMI NOW, mmk? So her doc that I was thirsty as hell for came out and gotta be honest the way she rolled this thing out was infuriating. I thought it would be one shot and then people started spilling secrets from it and I had to question if it was already out and I somehow got the date wrong…nope it wasn’t. Everyone who got an advanced peek literally couldn’t stop themselves from spoiling it. THEN she releases it in half hour parts like episodes. Except it’s a doc…and we already knew all the salacious goss from it weeks beforehand. SO naturally I was super mad about it. IN SUMMARY: Demi relapsed a couple of years ago first with drinking and weed and then QUICKLY hit up crack and heroin. Ya know, super casual jump to take. And what’s hilarious about that is that she thought she could recreationally use these drugs as if they aren’t THE MOST ADDICTIVE SUBSTANCES in the drug game. She was lying about it and hiding it from everyone so it was a big shocker when she overdosed, which PS she essentially died from this overdose (was also raped by her drug dealer) and woke up blind and with a shit-ton of long-term injuries. Coolcoolcool. The doc talks a lot about her traumas and how she’s had a real rough go of it, her best friend wears this STUPID purple Aladdin hat the ENTIRE time and it makes me want to set it on fire atop his fluffy head:

And now we have a new Demi album that dropped at the same time as this doc (same title, so super confusing) and here’s her first video where she reenacts the night she overdosed down to a T. Song is FIRE but the video is a little much. I’m sure it was a therapeutic thing for her but like suuuuper creepy to be watching you hooked up to a thing sucking the blood out of your neck, cleaning it of all the drugs and then pumping it back in. *vomsicles*

So anyway, not a 10/10 recommend on the documentary split up into 30 min episodes for no reason unless you’re as fascinated by how Demi Lovato is still alive as I am. Can’t deny that voice though. Girl’s a powerhouse.

5. Ravioli Shoes.

If I’m going to make you watch Chet Hanx motorboatin’ butts to a subpar rap, I would be remiss if I didn’t also shine a light on the superstar that is John Mayer on Tiktok. He joined recently and basically took over the damn thing. We’ve always known J.May has quite the personality and hosting his own Instagram show for a hot minute just solidified that. Now he’s in the Tok game and what first started out as just him giving behind the scenes stories on his hits or teaching us how to play guitar like him, quickly morphed into him writing original ditties such as Ravioli Shoes that took off and just generally being the likable panty dropper that he is. So please, take a mo’ out of your day to enjoy John Mayer in his element.

@johnmayer
They just come to me #music #songwriting
♬ original sound – johnmayer

@johnmayer
Busy but fun day!!! #raviolishoes #viral #fyp #andycohen #songwriter
♬ original sound – johnmayer

@johnmayer
its called show *business* 😁 👍🏼 #music #songs #viral
♬ original sound – johnmayer

Meanwhile I’m just out here also doing the Lord’s work with my Tiktoks. When you’re hot on the Tok streetz like me and John Mayer, you’re white hot, amirite?!

@thesaltyju
Lint Porn. 😍🥵 #satisfyingvideos #itsgettinghotinhere #laundrytok
♬ Simply Sensual Sounds – The Smooth Sax Man

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 2/15/2021

1. An Ex-Royal Bebe.

These two may not be royals anymore but they are the King and Queen of photogenic. Every milestone they’ve absolutely nailed the photo. Also important to note, the photographer who took this is in London and “captured it via iPad.” HOW. So you Facetimed them and took a screenshot? Like at what point are we going to cut the shit with the ‘we can do everything the same remotely as we do in person’ trend. Photography over an iPad is just TAKING A PHOTO ON AN iPAD. If you told me this was taken with a self timer propped up on some books I would’ve believed you. What does that say about this photographer? I just bought a ring light for 14 bucks at Homegoods and I have a tripod, so I guess that makes me a photographer too. Also let it be noted that the first time I saw my face in that ring light I gasped at how old I looked. That shit really illuminates every nook and cranny…it’s like the dressing room lights at TJMaxx. #Unforgiving. ANYWAY, professional iPad photography aside, Congrats to these two beauts on another beeebz. The gossip in me would LOVE to know if they shared the news with the Queen first or just announced it to the world now that they’ve quit the palace and moved to the US. No protocols here! Get knocked up and share it on Insta if you like…don’t need an official scroll from the Palace with the Queen’s crest to make the statement. Basically what I’m getting at here is that I’ve read enough books and watched enough shows about how the Royal Family is really a big ole shitshow full of lies and scandal, so any sneak peek into that I’ll eat right up. Give us a tell-all about how this royal family breakup went down. Celeb news has been a little dry lately and I just finished 12 seasons of the Real Housewives of NY so I need this BTS scoop like I need air to breathe. HIT US WITH A DOC, NETFLIX. Oprah’s trying to help us out with a full televised interview on CBS March 7th but something tells me this will be full of softballs.

2. Paris is Engaged…again.

I had to google this for accuracy but this is Paris’ FOURTH engagement. Girl gets a diamond ring every few years just for shits and giggs. This one’s gonna stick though. Well, let me put it this way, Paris claims this is the first time she’s actually been in love. So I guess that makes it a better shot than the previous 3? But also, this is Hollywood…so I’ll either be reporting that she’s pregnant or that they’re broken up in about 5 weeks time. Mark ya calendars. I think my favorite part about this engagement is that she directed everyone on Instagram to her website for the full story and when I landed on her website there were SEVERAL photo galleries of the proposal, including a YOUTUBE VIDEO ON THE DESIGN OF HER ENGAGEMENT RING. I guess when you get proposed to four times, you start to really monetize the occasion. If you want a good belly laugh – check it out here. Otherwise, peep below for her big ole honkin diamond appropriately named “Paris”, accented by bedazzled fingerless gloves and an early 2000’s gel french mani. That’s hot.

3. I AM GETTING VERY EXCITED.

Demi dropped the full trailer for her upcoming doc that will give all of the dirty deets of her overdose. Here are my kneejerk reactions in watching order: Demi announcing she’s just gonna say it all and then they can take out whatever they don’t want to use. Oh, honey. That’s how documentaries work. Give the whole story then they edit it to create a narrative. Thank you for that Ted Talk. ELTON JOHN?! Her friends (I’m assuming) who were like THIS IS CRAZY, YOU DON’T WANT THE REAL STORY, OH ARE WE TALKING ABOUT HEROIN??… ummmm ARE YA NEW? I get that we’re trying to create a “real and honest” vibe here, but we understand how movies get made. We don’t need to see a bunch of idiots act surprised that they’re filming a doc and telling a story. Just spit it out. Hit us with some hard truths. Like for instance, this song, which is an absolute bangpiece. Someone telling her, “It’s only going to get better from here” one month before overdose hits REAL hard. So does her announcing her engagement. Yikes on bikes. Three strokes and a heart attack. Daaaaaaammmnnnnn. March 23rd can’t come fast enough, yo. (You know I’ll basically recap every moment of this doc the minute it comes out so just come on back for the deets afterward.)

4. Cruella.

Oh, ok Emma Stone, we see you! I guess we just take every animated movie Disney has ever made and remake it with actors now–even though this one was technically done already with Glen Close. That’s the phase of Hollywood we’re at now. Sequels and live action Disney films. Normally I wouldn’t give this a second look because I like my Disney classics right where we left them, in the Disney vault and occasionally played all weekend on ABC Family (I’ll never call it Freeform.) In fact ABC Fam decided Valentine’s Day was a perfect theme for childhood movies and did a marathon this past weekend. I made myself a pan of cinnamon buns and caught Tarzan–because nothing says day of love like filthy humans going into forests and killing gorillas for no reason. Tarzan’s a tough one for me because Phil Collins went hard in the paint on the soundtrack. Just bop after bop. Even the sad songs have a little pep in their step. And so I get excited when I hear the music and then immediately remember that Tarzan is one of the more depressing Disney flicks. Animal cruelty just isn’t for me. Kill off a parent or two, fine. We’ll get through it. Kill off a parent that is ALSO A GORILLA for absolutely no reason? SAVAGE. That’s a can’t watch for me. My favorite Disney movies are: Aladdin, The Little Mermaid, Mulan, Anastasia and Beauty and the Beast. My LEAST favorites are: Lady and the Tramp, Bambi, The Fox and the Hound & 101 Dalmatians. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist for you to figure out that anytime an animal gets hurt in a movie, I hate it. So this rant brought me back to the original topic, which is telling you that that I’ve seen 101 Dalmatians exactly one time and I was so horrified that I never watched it again. This new version seems like more of a “how did this bitch turn into a real puppy kicker” kind of perspective. I’m down for that. I’m mostly intrigued by watching Emma Stone play something other than adorable. But let me be the first to say if she so much as looks at a dog wrong in this movie, I’m walking out (of my living room because theaters are cancelled forever basically.) Dalmatians are kind of a-hole dogs but that doesn’t mean they deserve to be skinned for a fur coat. Can we make it a rule going forward that all Disney movies love and respect animals? Even if they’re cats. That’s big of me to say, so please give me all the credit in the world. Disney is supposed to be wholesome and for children. No more animals dying, plz. Now let Phil play us out.

@marz.gif
phil collins was in is bag every damn time and no one can convince me otherwise. don’t get me STARTED on what he did for Tarzan #fyp #foryou
♬ original sound – marz 🧍🏾‍♀️

5. REEEALLLY Stretching Here.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Justin Timberlake (@justintimberlake)

This is just overflow from last week because the second I smashed publish on last week’s JUice, JT released an official apology. Also, I have nothing else to report on this week so midas whale tell you what I think about this turd coming out of the woodwork for a 20 years too late iPhone note. Obviously the people demanded JT speak up after revisiting his total butthole actions from the early 2000’s stomping out Britney to create his solo success. Then he released this and everyone was like you’re trash go away. Teaching us the evergreen lesson that you’ll never please the masses so maybe just quit while you’re ahead. For PR purposes, JT definitely had to make a statement here but I would most certainly hope that the real apology was given to Britney and Janet personally as well. It’s a little late to be like oopsie sorry I was a total dick forever ago, as a white male I want to grow. K, bud. We got it. It’s also timely that Justin is promoting his new flick on Apple TV+ that has heavy themes around gender and learning how to handle things the right way so naturally it’s a necessary PR move to speak out–kinda like when he got caught cheating on his wife while filming the aforementioned movie. I don’t hate JT (I can’t, he was my first love) but I don’t really like him lately either. If he’d like to get back in my good graces he can either #FreeBritney or he can drop another album. Also, everyone reporting that Jessica Biel responded to his apology can kick rocks. She commented on his instagram “I Love You <3” WHAT A RESPONSE!!!!!!!! So as my eyes pop directly out of my skull and roll down the block, let’s take a trip down memory lane to the last time JT publicly had to apologize and how super smooth that went.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Kevin Clancy (@kfcbarstool)

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 1/11/2021

1. I Couldn’t Help But Wonder…

…If Sex and the City would keep coming back until they’re all in their graves. It was announced this week that Sex and the City is making a comeback to HBO and honestly the timing could not have been more perfect. I had just finished re-watching the whole series right at the same time. Big showed up and rescued Carrie from the garbage Russian and just like that this video hits social media.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by SJP (@sarahjessicaparker)

First thing’s first, let’s address the drama in the room. Kim Cattrall AKA Samantha is OUT. After years of dumping on all the other girls, claiming they bullied her, claiming she never wanted to do the movies to begin with, rumors swirling that she only did them if the production company promised to move forward with her solo projects as well….in summary Kim’s kind of an a-hole and had been holding up the process. So they kicked her to the curb. And as the most inappropriate part of the foursome, can we really call it SEX and the City without Samantha? I gotta be honest, I’ve always seen re-runs of SATC on E! and had never seen the original unedited episodes until these past few months when I finally got HBO and decided to start from the top. OH BABY did this show make me blush. I had no idea what I was missing with all the editing. It’s a completely different show and Samantha is basically a soft-core porn star in it. It was definitely risque for the time period and let’s just quickly recall that by the end of the series, the characters were in their late 30’s and early to mid forties (I don’t know if we ever pinned down Samantha’s age.) Which brings me to my point about this revival. I think it’s time to call it quits. It was time to call it quits in the the second movie when a 50-60 year old woman was kicked out of Abu Dhabi for giving a blowie on the beach. I’m a fan of the show, the first movie was phenomenal because we got our Carrie wedding (and also epic wedding fail) but the second movie was trash and that’s typically when you let things go to die. This revival is a show or maybe short series I’m guessing because every streaming service needs a hot new thing to get people to sign up and empty their pockets but WHY. We’re missing 1/4 of the gal pals, they’re now older than dirt and we’re supposed to still want to hear them talk about sex? What is this Golden Girls After Dark? No thanks. I’m not sure how this appeals to the core audience of SATC other than to pull the nostalgia factor like EVERY OTHER UNWANTED REUNION ON THIS PLANET. I’m still going to watch it obviously but I will be VERY UNCOMFY with it. I mean…come on….

2. 100% A Cannibal.

While we’re on the topic of sex, maybe Carrie and the girls can incorporate this hot topic in the reboot. Armie Hammer, actor and smoldering babe soda has recently created a wee bit of a riff in the interwebs for some DM’s of his that have been released. This is where things might get a little weird on The Salty Ju. Although I sat around a table at Wegmans when the Fappening occurred and passed celeb nudes around with my family members and I’ve covered a few of those nudes on here and become the go-to person my friends text for the uncensored version (proud of that one), I’ve never taken a face first dive into kinky DM’s. So this will be a first. Congrats to you all for being witness. So apparently there’s been some hints before to Armie being a real freak in the sheets. He’s recently divorced with two kids so I guess he’s full blown getting after it and one of his lady friends released these DM’s which according to many sources are legit:

I’ve got real mixed feelings here. You know when he says “that just made me so hard and it makes me confused as to why”? That’s what “thinking of holding your heart in my hand and controlling when it beats” did to me. Is it weird? YUP. But would you not even BAT an EYELASH at this in a red hot read or a sexy Netflix movie? YUP TIMES A THOUSAND. CHICKS EAT THIS SHIT UP. There’s a reason 50 Shades of Grey was a freaking phenomenon. Hot and bothered women everywhere just want to be freed and get freaky with a hot guy. If it came out that Dustin Diamond was sending these DM’s to someone everyone would be like lock him TF up, but a Winkelvoss Twin? Now you’ve got a bunch of horned up and confused ladies. Do we like cannibals now? Is this a thing? The answer of course is no because cutting the heart out of living animal and eating it while it’s still warm is pre-crime shit and that’s when we come back down to earth and say mmm better not. Armie had us going for a moment there, though. I briefly considered what it would be like for his strong hands to control my heartbeat. Armie did not immediately respond to the whirlwind of DM’s that were sneaking out but unfortunately had to make a statement once the movie he was about to film cut him from the roster. Apparently JLo’s latest flick was NOT down with the cannibalism (what a bunch of prudes) and he was released and said the following:

So I guess he just has more time on his hands to eat people and shit. #Don’tKinkShame

3. Sorry, Buuuuuuuuuuddy.

It’s unfortunate that I used the previous example of Dustin Diamond and then 8 hours after I wrote it, Screech’s team declares that he has cancer and is going through chemotherapy. Sorry I used you as an example of someone no one would ever want to have sex with, D Squared. Hope you can forgive me. Tough break to have cancer but on top of that Dustin also has shingles so he’s really been smited by disease. As another child star who went WAY off the rails, it sucks that he’s going through this but also he’s the type of guy that was CONSTANTLY trying to get headlines ever since the SBTB days so it’s kind of hard to feel like this is coming from a genuine place. He was the ONLY one not included in the woke reboot on Peacock probably due to the fact that he forayed into porn and bashed every single actor he ever worked with on the show. That’s neither here nor there to stand-up gent Mario Lopez who already made a statement:

I connected with Dustin earlier this evening and although the news of his diagnosis is heartbreaking, we remain positive that he’ll overcome this. Praying for him & his family and for a speedy recovery.
God Bless pic.twitter.com/zRKioFvhMl
— Mario Lopez (@mariolopezviva) January 15, 2021

What a guy. Does this mean all is forgiven and Screech will find his way back to the reboot? Only time will tell. PS: I burst out laughing when I read this exchange in the replies. Apparently real fans know who has stayed in touch and why…credit to Joe for keeping us all in check.

4. This Goes Out…This Goes Out to all the One Tree Hill Fans.

Former OTH heartthrobs James Lafferty and Stephen Colletti (LOL to refer to him as an OTH star when we all know where he got his start) created this show like 5 years ago and have been yapping about it constantly and trying to get it crowd-source funded to even shoot the damn thing. It’s concerning as hell that male leads for a primetime TV show that was on the air for 9 seasons can’t afford to shoot a few episodes of TV, but whatever, rabid fans made their tv show happen and after FOR-EV-ER it finally got picked up by Hulu. Add this to your watch list this weekend if you ever bought a Duke sweatshirt after Nathan Scott committed to playing basketball there only to wear it with MUCH disappointment while watching the end of season 4 where Duke rescinded the offer because he was point shaving…oh…was that just me? Whatever. I support this show but not enough to have given my own hard-earned dollars to a bunch of MUCH wealthier than me actors to get it made. So I’m glad we can now view it for free. This is what happens when there’s not a lot to report each week, I just make new show rec’s for your weekend of winter binging. You’re welcome.

5. The Demi Doc We ALL Need.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Demi Lovato (@ddlovato)

The minute I saw this I texted it to my friend with just YUSSSSSSSSSSSS, which really sums up my feelings on the matter. This is what we’ve been waiting for. I blogged about her first YouTube doc and how I loved every minute of it and learned so much about Demi being a total badass in the Disney days and obviously it’s no secret that I’m obsessed with her and spend a fair amount of time on this blog pretending I’m her BFF who likes to give unsolicited advice about her dating life. Honestly I’m so rabid for gossip and behind the scene deets about her life that March seems WAY too far away to wait for this. To get right to the elephant in the room, she obviously addresses her near death overdose.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Demi Lovato (@ddlovato)

Love that she’s using her platform to open up about her struggles but also keeping my fingers crossed that she drags that ex-fiance fame whore a little bit as well. It’s all about balance and sometimes you don’t always need to take the high road, Demi. Would love to hear what she thinks about him staging a cryfest photoshoot at the beach where he proposed after they broke up. Will report back in March when I 100% have a solo watch party with my girl Demi.

BONUS: Even the Olsen Twins Zoom.

Apparently MK had to do zoom court for her divorce and having a screenshot of her divorce proceedings over Zoom was easily the funniest thing I saw this week. You know I love to giggle at any current Olsen twins appearance because it’s like conjuring up dark magic. Who would’ve thought the girls who wore matching colored bandannas and sunglasses would turn into grim reapers but shout out to MK for giving us a GENUINE smile. Things are looking up for her post-divorce it seems. Her black turtleneck says I’m mourning this marriage but her face says I’M FREEEEEE!

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/16/2020

1. Just Gonna Keep Cruising.

Been getting a lot of questions about the recent sale of my old masters. I hope this clears things up. pic.twitter.com/sscKXp2ibD
— Taylor Swift (@taylorswift13) November 16, 2020

I know I write about Taylor Swift basically every week but she just happens to always have hot goss and I’m obviously her biggest fan so sue me. I was just gossiping with my friend who is Anti-Tay and thinks she plays the victim because exactly one year ago was the whole scooter Braun mess where he stole her life’s work and internet bullied her. And here we are, a year later, the feud still going strong. This week Taylor posted the above update and open letter because Scoot Scoot just can’t seem to quit. Quick summary for all y’all who doooonnntt caaaare: Taylor signed a contract back at the beginning of her career, then she left the label early and therefore breached the contract and they owned her shit. Then Scooter bought it and Taylor was like over my dead bod will this b-hole own all my success and profit off of it. Cut to this year, apparently Taylor offered to buy her stuff back and Scooter wouldn’t even give her a price until she signed an NDA to never talk shit about him (RED FLAG) and then she found out that he sold it to some other company instead but told them they weren’t allowed to talk to Taylor if they wanted to buy it. And he still holds shares to profit off of it. So basically Scooter is a shady MF’er with a stupid ass name. I can argue that all of this is idiotic. Taylor is worth zillions and whatever she releases people will listen to. Will she make her old stuff irrelevant by re-recording it? No obviously not, but it’s the only thing she has control over to stick it to Scootsicles. On the flip, Scooter is obviously a dick. Putting clauses in all these contracts to shut everyone up? You know you’re being sketchy if you’re demanding NDA’s. It takes a special breed of troutsniffer to F with a megastar like Tay and pretend he’d even consider selling her own work back to her when you knew he was never going to. Anyway, hopefully this is the last time we hear about this because it’s so last year. The best snippet to come out of this saga is that not only will we have new/old Taylor real soon, but she also revealed that there’s a 10 minute version of All Too Well with F bombs from the day she wrote it. COUNT ME IN. If I could perform for ten minutes instead of three, I could finally start charging for my car singing performances. SO STOP WITH THE LETTERS AND GIVE IT HERE, TAY.

2. Friends in Rich Places.

George Clooney did press this week for whatever reason and shared the story that when he first got together with Amal, he decided to gift 14 of his closest friends each 1 million dollars in cold hard cash. He figured they were all in his will anyway, and why wait until he’s dead to thank them for all they’ve done for him over the years. And he literally had to pull off a movie heist just to be the most generous guy on this earth. He had to find a place that would have that amount of cash available, which honestly I respect the dedication to getting cash here. Could he have venmo’ed them or written a check? Probably. But nothing slaps quite as hard as a stack of cash. Plus there’s the dramatics of it. Handing over a bag of cash like you just robbed a bank is a BFF memory that will last longer than that cool mill will. Anyway, he rented a van that said florist on it, told his assistant and his security guard and went into an underground facility to load up the van with 14 bags of cheddar. Then he got all his friends together and handed them over. So basically now that this story is out in the open, it will 100% be made into a movie because that’s how Hollywood works. But also… I’m a good friend, anyone wanna give me a million dollars before they croak? Just tossing it out there. LMK. And the real lesson here: if you have 14 million dollars to spare…don’t be a schmuck and share the wealth.

3. A Royal Painting.

These two skeletons have been married for 73 years. SEVENTY THREE. It’s like the end of the Titanic. But real life the Queen of England. But also, is it real life? Because this official portrait was the airbrushing job of the century. Remember when Philip was photographed a couple of months ago and he literally looked like the walking dead? Let me remind you.

Are we sure ole buhhole eyes didn’t actually croak and this is a nice cartoon caricature to keep the people happy? Cause this is Facetune for olds. Real exaggerated. No wonder they only release pics for special occasions. They have to prop up their sack of bones for “the royal portrait” and that’s probably a whole lotta work. Congrats on being married for 900 years but also gonna need a confirmation that you are still among the living. A video should do the trick.

4. Demi Did An Unfortunate Thing.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Demi Lovato (@ddlovato)

I saw the post that Demi “did a thing” and I was like oh no. Don’t do it, girl. There should absolutely be a moratorium on post heartbreak hair changes.

Credit to my friend Kat for giving her the benefit of the doubt and saying she’d need to see the front. But when you buzz the sides and leave the top long, there’s only one direction that heads in and that is Jon + Kate plus 8. Nope. Thankfully as soon as Kat saw the front shot she declared that she hated it. Can’t support our girl on this one. Lucky for rich people, they can ruin their entire head with a rash 2007 reality TV inspired ‘do and the next day will have a wig or weave in and a completely different color. Fingers crossed she comes to her senses.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Demi Lovato (@ddlovato)

5. Anotha One.

Legit forgot these two were even together so can’t say I’m heartbroken by this split. I was genuinely shocked that they never got married but I guess that’s a good thing, don’t have to tackle the big D with a couple of kids. What really grabbed me is that People.com posted a slew of paparazzi beach pics of them when they announced the split and the headline was “had a happy beach outing 2 months before their split” and I felt triggered by this headline. I’m not going through this split and I was like:

Two people are in sucksville going through a breakup with young kids and People is like but they were happy two months ago! What went wrong?! God being famous during a split must bloooooow. WHO LOOKS MISERABLE AT THE BEACH?! I rest my case.

BONUS PT. 1:

Best buds @ChrisEvans ☺️ pic.twitter.com/PjTwvX23hq
— Alexandra Raisman (@Aly_Raisman) November 15, 2020

If I’m gonna send around pics of Chris Evans’ willis and doodle berries upon request, I can also feature his face when it’s being snuggled by an adorable pup. Apparently this is Aly Raisman’s dog and they had a puppy play date AKA they’re boning but honestly who wouldn’t do this babe soda?! He’s hot, wears the hell out of a cream cable knit sweater, he’s got a knob carved from marble AND he’s a dog guy. Lock it up, Aly.

BONUS PT. 2:

@jackblack
Challenge accepted
♬ WAP（feat. Megan Thee Stallion） – Cardi B

Did anyone really ever expect this super disgusting song to become such an iconic movement? Nothing brought me more joy than TikTok right after the song was released with the dances and jokes about Covid tests and the dangly thing in the back of your throat. I’ll be candid and say I have considered a few crafts that feature the lyrics because nothing has more wholesome shock value than a needlepoint of “I want you to park that Big Mac truck up in this little garage” Anyway, Jack Black coming through with the delayed WAP dance was exactly what we all needed right now. It’s like fat guy in a little coat except it’s fat guy gyrating on the floor. Well done, sir. More of this plz. Not as quality as a dramatic TikTok that’s so hot it stops power, but a close second.

@thesaltyju
Blew a fuse in my apt trying to get the “storm” effect. So this @celinedion duet better be appreciated. #celinedionchallenge #allcomingbacktomenow
♬ original sound – The Salty Ju

TRIPLE BONUS! And lastly…I’m not going to give People the satisfaction of a whole post because I’ve given their Sexiest Man Alive free outrage every year since I started this blog because it makes me laugh my face off that they’re like THE WAIT IS OVER when they announce. Stop acting like this calculated honor based completely on PR is the biggest announcement of the year. But…

I approve. He’s sexy.

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/28/2020

juice header

1. This Blows.

View this post on Instagram

We are shocked and in the kind of deep pain you only hear about, the kind of pain we’ve never felt before. We were never able to stop the bleeding and give our baby the fluids he needed, despite bags and bags of blood transfusions. It just wasn’t enough. . . We never decide on our babies’ names until the last possible moment after they’re born, just before we leave the hospital. But we, for some reason, had started to call this little guy in my belly Jack. So he will always be Jack to us. Jack worked so hard to be a part of our little family, and he will be, forever. . . To our Jack – I’m so sorry that the first few moments of your life were met with so many complications, that we couldn’t give you the home you needed to survive. We will always love you. . . Thank you to everyone who has been sending us positive energy, thoughts and prayers. We feel all of your love and truly appreciate you. . . We are so grateful for the life we have, for our wonderful babies Luna and Miles, for all the amazing things we’ve been able to experience. But everyday can’t be full of sunshine. On this darkest of days, we will grieve, we will cry our eyes out. But we will hug and love each other harder and get through it.

A post shared by chrissy teigen (@chrissyteigen) on Sep 30, 2020 at 8:58pm PDT

I hate kicking off the JUice with sad, sad news but this was unfortunately for sure the biggest piece of celebrity news this week. My first instinct was to think, it sucks that she’s been tweeting and posting from the hospital so everyone knows she’s there and having complications and if it’s a bad outcome she’ll feel obligated to share it since she’s been open about the whole process. And I thought that must really blow to feel like you have to share some of the most horrific and personal moments of your life to complete strangers. And then terrible humans starting attacking her for this post. And lots of moms who have gone through the same thing started to speak out about how everyone’s grieving process is different in these circumstances and this is a part of Chrissy and John’s. I didn’t feel like anything about this post was self-serving or attention grabbing, just simply sharing a tragic experience that they’re going through. I’ve rolled my eyes at Chrissy’s cool girl I think I’m funnier than I am schtick on Twitter a fair amount but if you’re criticizing her for this post then you’re a garbage human and that seems pretty obvious.

2. Dax Relapsed.

Dax-Shepard

I gotta be honest this broke last Friday and I was IMMEDIATELY mad that it wasn’t included in the JUice because I knew about it before people.com did. Why did I know first? Oh, because I’m a diehard Arm Cherry and Dax revealed this story on a special podcast episode that dropped Friday that I listened to immediately and got the full scoop directly from his mouth. Does it make me a bad person that I find out a celebrity with 16 years of sobriety has relapsed and my first thought is DAMNIT THIS MISSED THE CUT FOR THE JUICE TODAY, HOW WILL EVERYONE KNOW I HEARD IT FIRST?! Yes obviously it does. You know how I just called some of you garbage humans above in reference to Chrissy? Yeh, I know. What goes around comes around. Anyway, Dax has had a podcast called Armchair Expert for a few years now and I’ve listened to it since the beginning. My favorite episodes are when he has his celeb besties on and they just goob around and shoot the shit but I’ve also learned stuff about celebs I never knew because he tends to go real deep with his guests, which I can appreciate because I’m SUCH an intellectual, ya know? But not THAT much of one because I immediately delete any episode he has with an actual expert or anytime a celebrity wants to talk politics and not give gossip. Regardless, Dax is constantly very honest and vulnerable on his podcast, sharing stories and tidbits about his own life and struggles with addiction and I imagine many of his listeners felt a sense of pride for him turning his life around and being sober for the past 16 years. Unfortunately he’s relapsed but what I found especially cool about him being completely open about it was that I got a complete picture of what he was feeling and what he was going through and how his years of sobriety actually helped him to cut the shit and reach out for help before it spiraled into something worse. And instead of covering it up publicly like he easily could’ve done, he owned it and basically gave every detail about what happened. As the nosiest person on this earth, I was very into this format. All celebrities should have their own podcasts and own their stories. That’s just my two cents. Anyway, the quick summary is that Dax is a real wild guy and likes to ride motorcycles and dirt bikes and ATVs and all that jazz and has had many injuries over the years. He’s been a little dicey with painkillers in the past, taking more than he needed to when he was prescribed but was always able to control it for the most part and stop taking them when he started to feel better. Recently he had some injuries and his pain medication turned into a more slippery slope until he was medicating throughout the day for no reason and buying them on his own. He still hasn’t done any other drugs or had any alcohol in the past 16 years, but he did celebrate his 16 year sober anniversary high without anyone around him knowing. So it’s a kind of win-lose sitch. In one sense he’s technically still sober from the things that he was truly addicted to (coke & booze) and yet in the other sense, he was hiding the fact that he was on drugs at his AA meetings. Either way, he’s sober now and it will be interesting to hear how honest he is with his recovery moving forward. If you want a taste of the pod, feel free to check out the episode where he shares his story below. Might I also recommend some of my other favorite episodes were Jason Bateman (1 & 2), Oliver & Kate Hudson, & Will Arnett.

3. Birthday Suit.

View this post on Instagram

In nothing but my birthday suit today… thank you all so much for the birthday wishes and thank you to @goop ‘s insanely amazing brand new body butter for making me think I can still get my kit off. 💙 #goopgenes

A post shared by Gwyneth Paltrow (@gwynethpaltrow) on Sep 27, 2020 at 12:00pm PDT

I mean…HOT DAMN. Love this for her. Mostly because I feel like people very openly make fun of Gwyneth for her bullshit Goop website and her vagina-scented candles and gurl don’t give a fuuuuuuuuuuh. She’s like hey happy birthday to me and my smooooooth naked bod from all the organic, natural, made from tea leaves body butter (purchase on Goop for $95 a jar)! Even better, her teenage daughter commented “MOM” and then “You are killing it tho.” You KNOW Apple was behind that camera telling her mom to pop that flamingo leg to flex those thighs. Not a chance on this earth that Gwyneth’s husband took this photo. Everyone knows that men are trash at taking photos and this perfectly posed nude in the woods shoot just SCREAMS female-directed. Suck in! Tousle your hair! Let me put a woodsy filter on it! Bottom line, Gwyn is 48 and foooooiiiiiine.

4. Borat is Back.

Borat seemed like a one and done gem. I don’t know how many times a guy with a fake kind of Russian accent pretending he’s from a country in Asia can really take the US by storm. The whole point of the first movie was that no one understood that this was an actor playing a character and yet fell for his bit and therefore ended up looking real dumb. I can’t imagine a world where this is all organic again. Borat came out in 2006. I remember screaming YOU WILL NEVER GET THIS in a shiiiiiiitttty Eastern European accent down the hallway in high school. It’s done. It was great for uncomfy situations and quoteable moments and then much like every other pop culture moment in history, everyone got over it and moved on with their lives. For him to tie this into corona virus and this year’s election? No thanks. We’ve got enough of that content on a daily basis. We don’t need anymore. But don’t just blindly follow my opinions, feel free to watch it for yourself and decide if this idea is washed or not…you’ll be in good company as Kimmy K has deemed this a MUST WATCH so you know it’s gonna be a CAN’T MISS (Insert the deepest of eye rolls on this planet here.)

OMG can’t wait to see this!!! https://t.co/YyanIAkvvY
— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) October 1, 2020

5. Autumn Leaves Falling Like Pieces into Place.

View this post on Instagram

I’ve worn my glasses ever since I parted my hair meticulously with gel (see above), which is why NEW EYES has always been near and dear to my heart. Since 1932, @neweyes_ has provided eyeglasses to people who needed them most. I’m thrilled that they’ve partnered with @theinspireprojectus to create Project Human: Changing the Way We See the World, a speaker series coming to schools and remote learners this fall. Project Human is designed to spark conversations focusing on unity and equality. It’s an opportunity for students to interact with public figures and do what they do best: Keep ‘em on their toes! For a full line-up of speakers or to bring Project Human to a school near you, visit: http://theinspireproject.us/project-human/

A post shared by Jake Gyllenhaal (@jakegyllenhaal) on Sep 28, 2020 at 3:21pm PDT

This is for all my Swifties and virtually no one else will give a shit. Tay’s greatest song ever made is most obviously All Too Well, it’s also Fall which is the season that was created from this song. So it seems about right that the subject of All Too Well gave it a nod this week. Jake Gyllenhaal tends to shy away from the public eye and never really confirmed that All Too Well is about him even though we ALL know TOO WELL that it is. This week he goes to make an innocent post about a charity that’s near and dear to his heart and uses a throwback photo of him with glasses and Swifties LOOOOOOOOOST their shit. 100% of the comments on this photo are the lyric “you used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin-sized bed” or some other variation of the song. My personal favorite is Rachel Zegler (apparently a bud of his) commenting “I’ll be honest mate you set yourself up for this one.” I mean OBVIOUSLY. Is this the stupidest news I’ve ever reported? Probably not. But it made me giggle that a Hollywood actor can get dragged on Instagram just for posting a childhood photo because Taylor Swift now owns his childhood via song. Also, gives me a great excuse to repost the greatest song of all time and also plug my Breakup Boohoos Playlist that was 100% created because of this song.

BONUS: Demi Bounces Back.

That straight famewhore Max who managed to make their breakup all about him and draw even more attention to himself saying he found out through the press and then posting several desperate and weird Insta stories about how much he worships “Demetria” and how she’s the greatest person alive and everyone should listen to her music and why doesn’t she have a Grammy yet. UGH. SHUT UP MAX. Demi didn’t say anything about his fake ass, instead she handled the breakup with class and dropped this new song. GET IT GURL. YOU’RE BETTER OFF! PROUD OF U.

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/21/2020

1. Apology Not Accepted.

This is celeb apology 101. Joke about it, seem human and relatable and get a little vulnerable and say you’re working on it. I CALL BULLSHIT. “I am that person you see on TV, I’m also a real butthole.” I may have paraphrased here but listen, there’s a reason Ellen has had a reputation as a Hollywood douche for as long as she has. One scripted heartfelt apology isn’t going to fix the official investigation into her show and all of the people she’s mistreated for years. And if one more celebrity comes out to publicly say Ellen is amazing and has never treated them poorly I’m going to hulk smash my phone. SHE IS NICE TO OTHER FAMOUS PEOPLE….SHE IS NOT NICE TO COMMONERS. DUH TIMES A THOUSAND. Smooth moves to spin it on over to Twitch and his promotion v. quickly though. PEOPLE DON’T FORGET, ELLEN.

2. Arrived for Realz this time.

View this post on Instagram

Our baby girl is here, healthy and beautiful🙏🏽❤️ to try put into words how i am feeling right now would be an impossible task. The love I feel for this tiny human is beyond my understanding. Grateful to know her, proud to call her mine, and thankful for the life we will have together x

A post shared by Zayn Malik (@zayn) on Sep 23, 2020 at 8:17pm PDT

View this post on Instagram

Our girl joined us earth-side this weekend and she’s already changed our world. So in love🥺💕

A post shared by Gigi Hadid (@gigihadid) on Sep 23, 2020 at 8:37pm PDT

If you’ll recall my friend Kat has to get a face tat (hopefully it’ll just say Kat’s Face Tat like a fun Dr. Seuss permanent rhyme on her cheek…in the shape of a teardrop Lil Wayne style obviously) because she fake scooped me on this baby’s arrival a week ago. When I sent her the evidence that this little nugget is here, she was quick to point out that those look like week old baby hands and she might still be right. I think that’s a solid counterpoint because I do believe this baby’s hands look like that of a small toddler so I guess she’s free to keep her moneymaker free of ink…for now. Obviously my eyes rolled out of my head at the black and white hand holding announcement. GET A NEW FORMULA PEOPLE. And we will wait with the most anticipation for a name announcement. Both Kat and I think it has a large potential to be weird considering both parents names and heritages but maybe they’ll shock us all with a plain bagel name. Celebrities really know how to keep us on our toes.

3. I Love Me (Reprise.)

maxdemi

I hate to say told ya so but…..who am I kidding, I LIVE FOR THIS SHIT. I caaaaallllllleeedddd this. IN fact, just a one day ago I was telling a friend who doesn’t follow Demi that closely about her engagement, recapping how it was a relationship that started at the beginning of quarantine and they were engaged by summer and it’s been just a couple of years since Demi was literally brought back from the dead after a heroin overdose and mark my words I said, yeah this isn’t going to last. AND THEN IT DIDN’T. Am I a psychic? Probably. Or I just know my girl Demi. She needs some time alone to work on herself. She needs to be single for a hot minute. I may be tough on her on this blog a lot but I JUST WANT WHAT’S BEST FOR HER, GAWD!!! Shocking to no one, they spent quarantine in a bubble of honeymoon phase sex all the time, no commitments or real jobs bliss and thought hey this is great let’s do this forever! But not so fast… once they had to go back to work again, things weren’t so peachy anymore. Also turns out Max is a real fame whore and was loving all the newfound publicity and attention. If I find out he took advantage of a fragile, poor Demi to up his ranks in H’wood, I’ll smack that pretty boy face of his back to the Disney channel. Fingers crossed this is a good move for my bestie and she can get back on track now bumping the below beat (or my self confidence playlist) and reminding herself that she’s a badass bitch who don’t need no man and focusing on her sobriety. YOU GOT THIS DEMI.

4. Moore Babies.

View this post on Instagram

Baby Boy Goldsmith coming early 2021 💙

A post shared by Mandy Moore (@mandymooremm) on Sep 24, 2020 at 11:40am PDT

What a Mandy Moore announcement. I feel like she’s become this folklore fairy that has Sunday music sessions with her indie band husband so of course her pregnancy news comes via blurry black and white photos. I’m a Mandy stan so I’m thrilled for this news. She got rid of that dirtbag Ryan Adams who not only looked like he needed a shower for the past ten years but also messed with her head throughout their whole marriage and I’m happy that she’s happy and moving forward with her life even though every time she’s interviewed someone inevitably brings Ryan up.

5. Every Party Has a Pooper.

Well this is a total weird move to resurrect a 30 year old movie that already had a sequel. I don’t hate it because I’ll forever sing the classic: every party has a pooper that’s why we invited you GEORGE BAHHHHHHNKKKKS song, and yet this “trailer” leaves much to the imagination as to what we’re really supposed to expect here. Is it another full movie? Is it just a meta reunion via zoom? Who are the extra special appearances? Why is it premiering at dinner time on a Friday? WHAT A TEASER THIS IS. Guess we’ll have to tune in to find out tonight!

BONUS: Ladies Night Special

View this post on Instagram

It’s been a long road back. Injuries, life shit, and just insanity in general. Ha daddy is finally back boooi!! Gonna be a fun next 10 year run. To all those that have been there for me and held me down through it all. I love you. I’m gonna make ya proud. Let’s goo. Also peep the purell bottle. Keep it clean out there folks. Hahaha

A post shared by Channing Tatum (@channingtatum) on Sep 24, 2020 at 8:24pm PDT

Channing has been hitting the weights again recently and he wants everyone to see his six pack. Thanks for the update, Chan. Much appreciated. If I was still thirteen and cutting up the Abercrombie & Fitch shopping bags to decorate my textbooks (and hang on the back of my door) you bet your bottom dollar this black and white shot of the Chanster’s naked torso would be front and center.

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/7/2020

Screen Shot 2020-09-11 at 11.19.06 AM

Today is 9/11 and I’m not sure that I’ve ever posted a blog on this day but it feels really cheap to post nonsense about celebrity garbo without at least acknowledging the day. This morning I read the following blog that was written 2 years ago, but I never took the time to read it before. It’s a personal perspective of someone who was working in Manhattan on that day and lost family members and friends and I thought it was really moving and well-written and a reminder of what a big deal that day was because it can often get lost in the years (especially for people like me who do not live in or near NYC) so I’m sharing it with you. CLICK HERE TO READ

1. RIP to E!’s Kash Kow.

❤️💔 pic.twitter.com/PaAF4hgmU5
— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) September 8, 2020

The world had begun to believe this day would never come. After TWENTY seasons of Kardashian’s on our TV getting married, divorced, arrested, knocked up, and going on lavish all-expenses paid vacations and then threatening to leave said vacations when there was a slight conflict…the era is officially ending. Once we witnessed as a world the transformation of Bruiser to Caitlyn Jenner…I felt like the Kardashians would dominate our televisions forever. It just didn’t seem like there was anything they wouldn’t film and yet they’ve finally decided that after building E! up and basically creating reality TV as we know it, it’s time for them to move on. They’ve officially become TOO famous for reality TV. As someone who religiously watched this show from its birth up until Kim married Kanye AND someone who wrote an entire research paper my semester abroad on how the Kardashian’s are actually savvy businesswomen (this gives you a little taste of what college is like in other countries…one of my greater pieces of work) I can honestly say that it’s probably time for these a-holes to go. I drank the Kool Aid, I watched all the spin-offs, and then just for shits and giggs I flipped on a recent episode this year to see what they counted as quality TV these days. The episode covered a massive fight between Kourtney and Kim because Kim held a birthday party for North in Mexico, filmed it for the show and Kourtney ended up paying for the crew and security’s flights out there for a birthday party that wasn’t even her own kid’s. And that’s where I draw the line, folks. Reality TV in itself is pure dumpster fire flames hot garbage. It’s called a guilty pleasure for a reason. HOWEVER, when it gets to the point where the show that you’re watching is covering fights about how their production team isn’t paying for their own flights to film the very show you’re consuming? That’s a little TOO real. This should’ve been settled in negotiations. I don’t want to see how a reality show is made. That’s not what I’m signing up for here. ESPECIALLY because all of these people are loaded and a flight to Mexico is equivalent to me buying an ice cream cone for myself. I want to see Kim call her siblings RUDE and hit them. I want to see Scott rip EVERYONE a new asshole, mock Kris Jenner directly to her face and then prank call her later pretending to be Todd Kraines. I want to see Kourtney and Khloe act like 14 year olds together and give me new stupid phrases that I can say or talk about how they put mayo on their vag to make it softer. I want to see a marriage crumble before my very eyes in the most cringeworthy fashion (cough cough Kris Humphries.) And you know what? We’re just not getting that content anymore from the Kardashians. They’ve gone full celeb-mode and can’t be bothered with reality TV. And that’s fine, just get them the hell off of my TV. Make room for the new crew…

bradshawbunch

I’m just kidding this show looks awful too. E! just might need to cut their losses here. Their LIVELIHOOD was the Kardashians. I swear you could turn on E! at any point in time and they’d be playing some version of a Kardashian show. It’s either that or Sex and the City. There’s no in between. If E! was really smart, they’d not only rotate their old reality TV shows but also bring a few back. They played a marathon of Married to Jonas the other day and I sat immobile for a solid 4 hours just watching the magic that is Danielle Jonas trying to speak on camera. I also got to remind myself that Kevin Jonas went HAM on some crawfish in Louisiana before a music video shoot and had to leave set abruptly due to a mean case of the crabby runs. All of this brought me great joy. Jessie James and Eric Decker’s reality show? Bring it back. These are the people that are just on the CUSP of mega-stardom that create quality trash TV. They’re willing to do or say anything on camera no matter how dumb it makes them look and these are my peeps. Hell, if E!’s looking, give me a reality show. My sister and I make ourselves pee our pants from laughing at the stupidity of people in this world on the daily. We’ll entertain the masses. Just the other day we jumped in her pool after a few cocktails and she convinced me that because I ate so many clams that day, I’d sink to the bottom like a clam. I was legitimately scared to jump in. See? DUMB PEOPLE THRIVE IN REALITY TV. Anyway, I got carried away there (or did I just pitch a new show?!) Either way, I can’t report this news without drawing attention to the fact that the announcement came from Kim, still proving that the one who starts it all with a sex tape, gets the last word. Never forget “OH SHIT, RAY J” and the sex tape that started with just video footage of her feet at the beach. What a wild ride it’s been. May it remain in our memz foreva, especially if I’ve had a few cocktails.

I decided it would be hilarious to give my boyfriends parents a play by play of Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton’s sex tapes, respectively last night. Along with color commentary. Weddings really do get the best of me.
— Julia Giantomasi (@TheSaltyJu) May 19, 2019

kimmykcry

2. Nathan Scott Off the Market.

View this post on Instagram

She said yeah 🙌🏼☺️

A post shared by James Lafferty (@jameslafferty) on Sep 6, 2020 at 10:01pm PDT

This is only important news to those who grew up wishing Nathan Scott would be their husband (at an unreasonably young age, high school marriages FTW) and would spend the rest of her life watching him make a free throw without looking, to then jump into his arms to celebrate. Underwear Slushee: Population – ME.

Ok, fine obviously James Lafferty is his own person and not a fictional babe soda who plays basketball and got married to a touring singer at 16. Congrats on his engagement, mostly because I approve of his choice, Alexandra Park of The Royals fame. It appears as though Marc Schwann may have been a real dirtbag, but he did manage to put James and Alexandra in the same stratosphere by creating both of their shows. So there’s that. These two have been very hush hush about dating but as a real Grade A internet creep, I’ve known they were boning for years and I support it wholeheartedly. If anyone’s going to have baby James, I’m cool with this Aussie babe. EVEN THOUGH it pains me to break up The Royals ship of Eleanor and Jasper. (Especially because those two have more pics together on social media than who they are actually banging) Yes, I’m aware that I’m far too invested in fictional relationships. That’s what happens when you’re eternally single and have the maturity of a 14 year old girl writing in her diary every night and re-watching teen soaps.

View this post on Instagram

w/Jim – photo cred Fellini aka @stephencolletti

A post shared by Alex Park (@alexandrapark1) on Jun 17, 2018 at 12:30pm PDT

I expect none of you to watch the following very obnoxious fan vids for each fictional couple, I’m literally just posting them for my sister because if we’re going to talk about two top notch shows and the couples that made them, I would be a terrible fan to not include some highlights of their best cheesy, smoochy mo’s (yes I abbreviated moments, DEAL WITH IT) set to a dramatic soundtrack.

Wishing these two every bit of REAL LIFE success. Ya know, without cheating scandals, limos flying off bridges on their wedding day, assassination attempts, etc.

3. Goldberg GLOW-UP.

goldberg

I’ve reported on many 90’s child stars who have had extreme run-ins with the law in their adult years. Since I have pointed out their misfortune and wondered why I had such raging childhood crushes on several cast members of The Sandlot who turned out to be wife beaters and various other 90’s gems who took to the hard stuff…I feel it is also my duty to report on when they’ve turned things around. This will be the first time I’ll get to report this to date. As you’ll recall, the funny chubster who farts a lot turned out to be a meth-head tweaker. WELLLLLLL…he’s been living in a sober house, he’s clean, and he’s got a new set of chompers and BOY OH BOY what a difference that makes!

Screen Shot 2020-09-11 at 11.35.53 AM

We’ve got the old Goldberg back, folks! I don’t have to throw out my t-shirt after all! He’s literally a completely different person from the creature pictured above and I’m real proud of him. Keep on keepin on, G-berg.

4. Fall SUCKS (Pls read in Sandler shouting voice.)

Hi, it’s me. Ya girl who is OBSESSED with summer and would live on a tropical island if it meant that the sun would be baking my skin for every second of my existence and I could listen to the ocean waves and have salty beach waves foreva. When summer begins, I’m the happiest person alive. When summer ends, I’m the saddest person alive. I don’t care about your pumpkin beers or your football or your apple picking. Summer will forever be my jam and I’ll scream it from the rooftop. Score one point for me not being a basic betch. We’re already in that September sweet spot where everyone is yapping about that fall chill and cozy blankets from Homegoods and Pumpkin Spice. And I’m jamming my fingers in my ears and screaming LALALALALA as I strap on my bikini again and continue to go in my sister’s pool even though the temperature is drastically dropping. Why am I going on this rant, you ask? Cause it’s my blog and I do what I damn well please. But also, because I’m real dry on celeb news this week and I’m reaching into the nethers of the internet to come up with this “headline.” We’re already getting a taste of Halloween, because obviously with basic betch Fall comes spooky szn. If we’re being real, Spooky Szn started in March and hasn’t stopped yet. So let’s see how we’re gonna handle going to strangers homes and eating their candy in a pandemic. But regardless, Netflix has a deal with Adam Sandler to keep making his Happy Madison flicks and this one is the latest. I smashed play and got excited for a new funny Halloween movie to add to the mix, then watched this trailer with horror–not the fun H-ween kind.

You’ve got a stacked cast of Sandler’s usual suspects and basically every member of SNL past and present. Oddly missing: Rob Schneider with a lazy eye. Although, potential spoiler alert, he’s probably the creature causing all of the creepy mayhem. So to tack right back onto my shitting on Fall theme, this movie stinks. It’s not even out yet, and it stinks. There is no one on this earth that needs Sandler talking in a weird voice that changes from scene to scene for this Halloween season. Give me a seltzie and the beach and let’s pretend this never happened.

5. New Beats.

Two parter for “new song Friday”, a feature that I only include when I’m desperado for things to include. The first song courtesy of my girl Demi and the “DJ” that just wears a marshmellow with a face on his head. It’s a fun lil 80’s dance vibe with feel good lyrics. Because when Demi tells me it’s ok not to be ok, I believe her. Thanks gurl. I am very much NOT OK. But you know what? That’s ok right now. Cause Demi said so. The second song was discovered via TikTok (I’m such a youth now) and I immediately grooved my face off to it. Lotta flack for this gent saying it’s not real country, but guess what, not all country needs to be Garth Brooks, so let’s relax. Everyone’s mixing genres these days. Let it happen, bro. Great pool/beach song for when you’re in denial about summer ending like MOI. (As I sit on the couch in pants and a sweatshirt, still cold. FU world.)

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/20/2020

1. folklore.

View this post on Instagram

Most of the things I had planned this summer didn’t end up happening, but there is something I hadn’t planned on that DID happen. And that thing is my 8th studio album, folklore. Surprise 🤗Tonight at midnight I’ll be releasing my entire brand new album of songs I’ve poured all of my whims, dreams, fears, and musings into. I wrote and recorded this music in isolation but got to collaborate with some musical heroes of mine; @aarondessner (who has co-written or produced 11 of the 16 songs), @boniver (who co-wrote and was kind enough to sing on one with me), William Bowery (who co-wrote two with me) and @jackantonoff (who is basically musical family at this point). Engineered by Laura Sisk and Jon Low, mixed by Serban Ghenea & Jon Low. The album photos were shot by the amazing @bethgarrabrant. Before this year I probably would’ve overthought when to release this music at the ‘perfect’ time, but the times we’re living in keep reminding me that nothing is guaranteed. My gut is telling me that if you make something you love, you should just put it out into the world. That’s the side of uncertainty I can get on board with. Love you guys so much ♥️

A post shared by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on Jul 23, 2020 at 5:00am PDT

View this post on Instagram

folklore will have 16 songs on the standard edition, but the physical deluxe editions will include a bonus track called “the lakes.” Because this is my 8th studio album, I made 8 deluxe CD editions and 8 deluxe vinyl editions that are available for one week😄 Each deluxe edition has unique covers, photos, and artwork. Available exclusively at taylorswift.com

A post shared by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on Jul 23, 2020 at 5:03am PDT

View this post on Instagram

The music video for “cardigan” will premiere tonight, which I wrote/directed. A million thank you’s to my brilliant, bad ass video team – cinematographer Rodrigo Prieto, producer Jil Hardin, executive producer Rebecca Skinner, AD Joe ‘Oz’ Osbourne, editor Chancler Haynes, special effects wizards David Lebensfeld & Grant Miller, and set designer Ethan Tobman. The entire shoot was overseen by a medical inspector, everyone wore masks, stayed away from each other, and I even did my own hair, makeup, and styling 😂

A post shared by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on Jul 23, 2020 at 5:08am PDT

So, Taylor made laziness during quarantine look like absolute dogshit. She went and recorded an entire-ass record and this announcement popped up yesterday morning like ho hum since I couldn’t tour I decided to just write and record a whole album and also a music video too, Cheers! Extreme Swifties were probably on suicide watch at the fact that there wasn’t months of lead-up with Easter Eggs and clues in her instagram photos. WHAT IS THEIR PURPOSE IF NOT TO DISSECT EVERY PHOTO AND CAPTION SHE POSTS AND PREDICT UPCOMING SINGLES AND ALBUMS?! I myself was scooped on the news, but that didn’t stop me from bouncing back with an obnoxious amount of Taylor Swift content as I prepared for the drop, even tying the throwback Thursday post I do weekly on my dad’s live music Facebook page to her new album cover. My knack for bringing everything back to Tay knows no bounds.

@thesaltyju

Picking out my outfit for Taylor Swift album drop #surprise #swiftie #folklore #newmusic #decisionsaretheworst

♬ ME! (feat. Brendon Urie of Panic! At The Disco) – Taylor Swift

Screen Shot 2020-07-23 at 9.34.17 PM

And here’s my midnight gut reaction to her first video:

We get about 3 seconds in before she climbs into a magical piano and resurfaces in a magical forest, ooo baby we are full on whimsical TAY. Could do without her matronly 1940’s nightgown and little itty bitty pigtail buns but whatever we’ll let it slide as she was styling herself and also creating a whole music video so some things had to slip through the cracks. Welp and then things took a real dark turn and she was drowning in the ocean with a piano, which made me REAL panicky. Kinda wish I hadn’t watched before bedtime. Overall kneejerk video rating: 6–cool effects but generally wasn’t blown away. And as for the song itself, it was like sleepy time music. Definitely a whole different sound and not what I was expecting to hear, seems like she’s really going through a hipster phase especially knowing that Bon Iver will be featured on this album. Kneejerk song rating: solid 6 as well. Sixes across the board. Now excuse me while I listen to the whole album on repeat, get my deluxe edition (I went for the stolen lullabies version), read all rabid fan theories about lyrics and prepare myself to write you an obnoxious track by track review to debut next week.

In isolation my imagination has run wild and this album is the result. I’ve told these stories to the best of my ability with all the love, wonder, and whimsy they deserve. Now it’s up to you to pass them down. folklore is out now: https://t.co/xdcEDfithq

📷: Beth Garrabrant pic.twitter.com/vSDo9Se0fp

— Taylor Swift (@taylorswift13) July 24, 2020

2. Quar-engagement.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CC-S49WhMDR/

So apparently when I told my gurl Demi to take it slow on this very blog just a month ago, she didn’t feel the need to listen. And hey, I get it. When you’re in love, your closest friends opinions become garbage because this person has your whole heart. Here’s the bottom line though. Hollywood has shown us (and quarantine especially) that no celebrity relationship is safe. EVERYTHING ENDS. I mean seriously look at Kelly Clarkson. So if Kelly, a mature, responsible and pretty “normal” celeb can’t make her marriage last, how much faith should we have in an engagement that comes a few months after they started dating and exactly two years after she publicly overdosed. (Like to the day…do we think that was planned?) Again, not passing judgment, just looking out for my bestie. I WANT WHAT’S BEST FOR HER. What I will pass judgment on, however, is that rock.

demi

I’m sorry but that thing is hideous, IMO. It’s a gargantuan piece of costume jewelry. Since US Weekly gave me a rundown on who this Max character is, and his top credits were a soap opera and a duet with the “Friday” chick Rebecca Black…I’m guessing he wasn’t paying for this ring on his own salary. But if he was, WHOA BABY. Anyway, I guess this is just another score for romantics who say things like “I knew I loved you the moment I met you.” Or Megan Fox who was married at the time she met Machine Gun Kelly and told him that he was her twin flame when she first met him and that they are two halves of the same soul. Good for you guys, I guess. I’ll keep on living in the real (super cynical) world where people fall in love and get married to people who annoy them a lot but at least they have each other to binge Netflix shows and snuggle with. This whole soulmate thing seems a little far-fetched. There’s a whole lotta people in the world, and especially in the case of celebs, they seem to find a whole bunch of different soulmates in their lifetime. Jus sayin. BE CAREFUL, DEMI. PROTECT YOUR HEART!!!

3. Our Future Pres.

kanye

This seems to be a touchy subject because of the mental health that’s involved with it and I’ve seen people get condemned about “reporting on it.” HOWEVER, if you’re running for president of our country, I believe that speaking about your outbursts is fair game, whether you are in control of them or not. Also, I feel like it is my duty to report the news that olds like my parents might not always be on top of. For instance, when my mom came into my room the other night and was like what’s the deal with Kanye and Kim getting a divorce? My mom doesn’t have twitter. So I’m just serving the community here by consistently screenshotting tweets that I know Kanye will immediately delete. And there’s a lot to unpack here from just one week. It all started when Kanye held his first candidate rally, because yes he legitimately registered to run for president. In this rally, he ranted about Harriet Tubman not actually freeing the slaves and then worst of all–he admitted that when Kim found out she was pregnant, he was dating other ho’s at the time and immediately wanted her to abort the baby. Apparently they went back and forth for a month or so before God sent him a sign by blacking out his computer while he was trying to work that he should have this baby. So they had North. And then he screamed and cried about how he almost killed his daughter and wanted to and how his father wanted to kill him but his mom saved him. HEAVY stuff. Not to mention, North is now 7 years old. And her father is publicly ranting about how he wanted to abort her. YIKES ON BIKES. Naturally, reports surfaced that Kim was not pleased and then the tweets started rolling in. Here’s a collection of tweets from both nights where he popped off this week (most have since been deleted.)

So basically, Kanye called his wife a playboy whore, called his mother in law an enabler to her whoring, said they both tried to have him committed and they need to back off, accused Kim of cheating with Meek Mill and that he wants to divorce her, then rambled about different celebrities even tossing Bill Cosby into the mix and blaming NBC for his downfall. He also posted a video with Dave Chappelle saying he came to check on him and it was a super cringeworthy several minutes of Kanye forcing Dave to tell him a joke to uplift him and Dave looking very uncomfy. Then Kim spoke out:

Basically asking everyone to respect his disease and the fact that they can’t really do anything for an adult with bi-polar disorder unless he asks for help. The whole thing is just an ongoing shit show. Obviously Kanye is not well mentally. Obviously the entire Kardashian family lives off of having transparent lives and filming their every move for the E! network. These two things do not go hand in hand. Throw in a presidential race and you’ve got total chaos. Kanye, please go quietly into the night, get some help and maybe separate yourself from the Kardashian family because it doesn’t seem like y’all mesh well. Not even Kris can get a handle on this situation. He’s out here calling her Kris Jong-Un. THE DISRESPECT IS REAL. But seriously let’s end this before it gets worse. His poor kids don’t need to be reading about their dad’s manic raves and we certainly don’t need anymore politics drama. The world is angry enough. Cut the shit ‘ye. Also, not for nothing but he announced an album drop mid-rave set for today and I respect the hell out of the fact that Taylor came from the clouds and was like nah, B, I’m gonna drop on album on Friday. BOOYAH. I hope this feud never dies.

4. Secret Baby.

JTJessica

Screen Shot 2020-07-23 at 10.33.58 PM

This is low on the list because I have 0.0 evidence that it’s real. Stories started surfacing at the beginning of the week that Jess just casj had a baby. Obviously we had no idea she was even pregnant and there has been no confirmation from them if it’s true so I guess we have a MAYBE baby? And honestly, damn you Kylie for starting this secret pregnancy shit. I’m so f**king over it. Either publicly have a baby because you have chosen a life in the spotlight or don’t have kids at all. GAWD YOU CELEBS ARE SO SELFISH. It probably wasn’t hard for Jess to hide this pregnancy considering they’ve been quarantined in Montana for 6 months–aka the entire time she would be showing basically, but at the same time, throw us a freaking bone. And not for nothing if this IS true, this is 9 trillion percent a post-cheating makeup baby. Oopsie JT strayed outside the marriage, got caught HOARD, and then they decided another kid might fix their marital problems. Obviously I’m still bitter but at least I can always hang my hat on being prettier than Jess. Also, while discussing this surprise baby with my mom, she told me “good for them, they got through the cheating scandal. A lot of people have little blips.” So basically I learned that my mom is dead to me for supporting their marriage, which I’ve hated since the beginning, but she’s also casj cool about cheating. Celeb gossip bringing out the truth in families all over.

5. This Week’s Reunions.

View this post on Instagram

After chatting with @nmeyers during an IG Live – we decided that we should try and see if we could pull off getting the Parent Trap gang back together again for the first time since 1998 — and guess what, we actually did it!!!@lindsaylohan, @dennisquaid, @lisaannwalter, @simonkunz1 , and @elaine4animals join writer-director @nmeyers and writer-producer #CharlesShyer to share their memories from filming, reenact their favorite scenes and discuss the film’s lasting impact. PS: With COVID-19 continuing to ravage the globe, we all decided to use this reunion as an opportunity to raise awareness and funds for @wckitchen – @chefjoseandres organization that is helping feed those in need all across the world. You can donate $10 by 📲 texting PARENT to 80100 or by going to wck.org/parenttrap (link 🔗 in my bio!)❤️ #parenttrapreunion #weactuallydidit

A post shared by Katie Couric (@katiecouric) on Jul 20, 2020 at 5:41am PDT

Apparently Katie Couric is VERY into The Parent Trap…so much so that she felt a reunion was necessary. I will save you all the 30 min watch and give you the recap since these reunions are all the rage now and not everyone wants to watch each one (I know, I’m a godsend for doing the dirty work with all of my free time.) I think probably the most baffling thing about this was how much Dennis Quaid yammered on about how he knew the moment he met Lindsay that she was SO talented and amazing. And honestly, The Parent Trap is a great movie, and all of the awards to Meredith Blake for being such an all-time bitch character and the actress who played her for consistently leaning into it on social media, but we’re not talking about an Oscar-worthy movie here. This is a light-hearted family flick remake. So we can relax with talking acting chops. ESPECIALLY when it comes to Lindsay Lohan. I mean this was the girl who most recently moved to Dubai just because and then had a reality show about a Greek beach club she was “managing.” She has had her talons in any sense of the word fame for as long as I can remember. Even having her mom get in on it with her dating stories and her dad being a real trashmonster. But even so, her family aside, Dennis Quaid was waxing poetic about what a great actress she is. I’m happy to take everyone’s views down a peg with this memory.

And one of my favorite shows of all time and highly underrated, Happy Endings also hopped on the reunite for a good cause wagon and did a bonus zoom episode. I was pleasantly surprised once again at how well they did considering it was all done digitally. Their characters were still intact and the best thing about the show is their snappy dialogue which was not lost in the method. If you have yet to become a Happy Endings fan, I would recommend binging via Hulu as there’s only 3 seasons and they’re quick half hour episodes. You won’t regret it. You’ll also realize that a good portion of the stupid phrases that I use are ripped directly from this show. This bonus material just made me want more. BRING BACK HAPPY ENDINGS!!!

BONUS:

View this post on Instagram

My pool in East Hampton is the place to be on a 89 degree day! When I built the pool thirty years ago it was designed to be as chlorine free as possible, with a natural concrete finish-no paint- and it fit in a long narrow space between the house and the property line. I made it extra deep for diving and with no protruding steps so we could really race the length without worrying about obstacles. After all these years, It is a fun place to swim!!!

A post shared by Martha Stewart (@marthastewart48) on Jul 21, 2020 at 2:26pm PDT

This is what the world has come to. Martha Stewart posting a “sexy” (the word is in quotes because I don’t find this sexy but the way she’s half closing those lids and popping that mouth open makes me believe sexy is what she was aiming for) selfie to talk about her concrete pool. I am done. Get me right off of this planet. I don’t want to be here for a second longer.

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 6/22/2020

1a. Kristin Wants Bonus Points.

View this post on Instagram

Saved the best for last….happy (late) Father’s Day to Jay. We had a beautiful day together yesterday at my new house. Modern family? Co-parenting? Whatever you want to call it, we are navigating it the best way we know how. And what I do know is, our 3 kids are lucky to have him as their daddy. Hopefully they all 3 get a smidge of that heart of gold.

A post shared by Kristin Cavallari (@kristincavallari) on Jun 22, 2020 at 2:16pm PDT

As someone who is a reality star and built her own brands for jewelry and clothing, Kristin is no stranger to marketing. And this post is nothing short of a marketing move. Her divorce has been a shitshow of her team basically slinging mud at Jay in the press with him not even saying a peep except for his Mother’s Day post on instagram giving her a shoutout (which we’ve yet to determine if she actually posted on his account.) He comes up looking like roses every time because he very clearly is not looking for publicity. Well, Kristin wanted a little attention as well. She wanted to stop looking like the bad guy, so she posts the above THE DAY AFTER FATHER’S DAY basically so everyone will applaud her for being a good sport. NOT ME, KRISTIN–NOT ME. I’m firmly Team Jay and I didn’t really need many reasons other than Kristin seems like a real sneaky bitch (plus I was always an LC stan anyway) and Jay seems like a real stand-up guy. But we were all #blessed with even more reasons to love Jay this week…

1b. Need All Eyes on the Chicken Serial Killer

View this post on Instagram

Jay Cutler will get to the bottom of this chicken murderer in his backyard @barstoolchicago

A post shared by Barstool Sports (@barstoolsports) on Jun 24, 2020 at 4:58pm PDT

Jay made his first ever Instagram story. As someone who probably was 24/7 filming and taking portrait photos of his wife, he didn’t really have his time to shine in the sun with content. But boy oh boy, he’s making up for that now. He has created a saga that has the whole world captivated. Someone has been murdering Jay’s chickens and he NEEDS to get to the bottom of this mystery and save his “ladies.” He has a real asshole cat (all cats are assholes and people who haven’t figured it out yet are dummies) that could be a suspect, or of course whatever wild creatures live in the backwoods of Tennessee. He promises that he’ll put a camera out and stake out in his kids treehouse to get to the bottom of this. Unfortunately for all of us waiting with baited breathe to see who is murdering these chickens in cold blood, it rained the first night and really put a damper on his watch. Night two, he got down and dirty and borrowed some night vision goggles. I don’t know how he does it, but Jay Cutler has one of the most uninterested, dry sarcastic tones, but he is captivating. I NEED to know who is ravaging his chickens and I REALLY want it to be the cat because it would prove my lifelong theory that cats are sneaky murderers. Unfortunately he has already cleared the cat and apologized to it…but I won’t rest until we have a suspect in custody. I will stay up all night with Jay checking his Instagram stories for updates until there is justice served. (This is something I’m able to do as I’m just as unemployed as Jay.) Here are just some of his updates from the past 24 hours that I so lovingly screen recorded from his Insta so that everyone can enjoy this wild chicken killer chase. Savage move by the gun company to get involved for a giveaway. Now we’re monetizing this like it’s a true crime doc and I LOVE IT. NEED more Jay in my life. How much do you think Kristin is hating this attention he’s getting and how do you think she’ll try to weasel her way into it? LMK.

View this post on Instagram

To the cat: while I’m not sorry you were accused of these vicious acts, I will be the bigger person and admit I was wrong. You are not the the suspect we are looking for. Take it as a compliment for your savage ways of life. Carry on Cat.

A post shared by Jay Cutler (@ifjayhadinstagram) on Jun 25, 2020 at 5:02am PDT

View this post on Instagram

Sometimes you have to fight crazy with crazy. Ole Blue has that look in his eyes. New sheriff in town. Predators beware.

A post shared by Jay Cutler (@ifjayhadinstagram) on Jun 25, 2020 at 10:45am PDT

View this post on Instagram

First of all. The little guy is all heart and I love him. Coolest rooster in the game by far. Ole Blue terrifies me. Pretty sure he wants to fight me, he keeps staring at me with those crazy eyes and flapping his wings. Whatever comes in the chicken yard tonight better buckle up. Ole Blue is not playing. He’s trying to fight humans.

A post shared by Jay Cutler (@ifjayhadinstagram) on Jun 25, 2020 at 5:19pm PDT

2. Is Huffing Still A Thing?

bughallmugshot

I guess it is for our little Alfalfa! Bug Hall was arrested this week in Texas for huffing. The only knowledge I have on huffing is that there was a 7th Heaven episode about it where Simon painted a mural with some kids from school and they were huffing paint cans. They all had red spray paint all over their faces and then got bloody noses. It was disgusting, Simon obviously narced on them and Annie Camden came in to lay down the law and tell everyone’s parents that their kids were ingesting fumes instead of a well-balanced diet. All was well by the end of the 45 minute episode. It was the 90’s when that aired…also when Bug Hall was best known. So apparently he got hooked on the cans in the 90’s and just never stopped? Because if you told me that people still huff today when there’s 90000 other drugs they could do that probably produce the same high, I’d tell you that you’re crazy. WHO HUFFS FROM A CAN?! Also, I would never have guessed that it’s ILLEGAL and grounds for arrest. Learn something new every day I tell ya. Bug is now 35…has children and was arrested in a hotel room full of fumey cans. As far as child star arrests go, I’d say this is pretty high on the list. That mugshot is WOOF (not as bad as Goldberg’s but really no one can top a methhead) and I am very embarrassed to admit that I once had a raging crush on Bug. My sister and I recently stumbled upon Get A Clue–the Disney Channel original with Bug and Lindsay Lohan and remembered thinking Bug was hot back in the day so we re-watched. We almost puked in our hands at our terrible taste in boys. We also couldn’t get past Lindsay’s horrific acting and pastel-tinted sunglasses she wore in school DURING THE DAY. The movie was switched off immediately and we opted for A Ring of Endless Light instead because a girl who can talk to dolphins was much more in our wheelhouse. Praying for Bug’s recovery from addiction to aerosol cans.

3. Slow Down, Demi.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CB1agbfB1qu/

I’m just looking out for my girl here and it seems like things are moving rather quickly for her in this relationship. Not long ago she released the single “I Love Me” where she basically admitted that she has no problem showering other people with love but she hates herself and she really needs to learn how to love herself first. GURL. Have you learned yet? Because that seems like a speedy turnaround time and now you’re already in a new hot serious relationship. I’m just being a friend. I would want any of my besties to keep me in check and make sure I’m good. Plus I’ve heard (through movies and TV) that addicts aren’t advised to have a relationship in their early years of recovery. I’m no expert, but I think watching a lot of TV and movies makes me one and this seems like a slippery slope. Don’t get me wrong, Max is cute, and I’m happy if my girl’s happy but COULD this just be infatuation? Cause they’re lookin REAL PDA in these photos and I’m just wondering if it’s more about the bang bang bangity bang. Just spitballin here. Also when she said “Here’s to the future baby” and didn’t use a comma I quite literally thought it was a pregnancy announcement. So, let this be a lesson to all–grammar is key and also safe sex plz because I don’t feel like this is the right time for a Demi baby. TAKE IT SLOW GIRL, LOVE YOU LOTS! Call me! Kbyeeeeeee.

4. Ms. Frizzle Comes to LIFE.

Screen Shot 2020-06-26 at 11.41.27 AM

Another idea mined from the 90’s to be recreated! Lookie lookie here! I love how everyone razzes me for how much I love 90’s pop culture and fashion, when in reality, current pop culture and fashion is obsessed with the 90’s. The Magic School Bus was LIT and anytime a teacher let us watch one of their movies instead of listening to them speak, it was like a school field trip all in itself. Ms. Frizzle was a wild teacher with crazy red hair and was like hey guys you wanna learn about this? LETS JUST FLY THE DAMN SCHOOL BUS RIGHT INTO IT! And let me be the first to say, this should stay in cartoon format. There are some things that you don’t want to see in live action 3-D and this series is one hundo percent one of them. I distinctly remember the human body episode where Frizz-nasty commandeers the bus down a kid’s throat to show everyone what germs are kicking around in his body to give him this cold. When you see germs as cartoons you’re like eh that’s kinda gross but also cool. I don’t need to see germs IRL like we’re looking under a G-D microscope. Leave that to icky science classes. Not for me. I also don’t need to see the kid have a VERY wet sneeze to get the bus out of his nose. I almost just ralphed imagining that. So once again, I’ll reiterate for those of you in the back that may not be paying attention: the 90’s were cool as hell but I’ll dictate what’s worth recreating and what’s not. Pro: Bike shorts, overalls, scrunchies, Olsen Twins & Babysitters Club. Against: The Magic School bus IRL.

5. The Chicks.

chicks

I’m REEEEEEEEEEEALLLY reaching here but the Dixie Chicks are changing their name and dropping the Dixie because it’s racist AF, I guess. Kinda like Lady Antebellum changing their name to Lady A and then pissing off a black blues singer with the same name who has been around longer than them and pointed out that them trying to take her name is exactly what white privilege is. So, The Chicks should be a smooth transition. I’m guessing musicians are trying to keep some semblance of their original name since they’ve been around forever and have albums and merch and all these copyrights on their original name…but calling yourselves The Chicks sucks. At that point just go back to the drawing board and brainstorm a whole new name but make sure you’ve got a historian in there with you to point out what can be tied to racism. But everyone’s just scrambling and shooting from the hip nowadays when it’s literally the WORST time to scramble and shoot from the hip. These things should probably be really well thought out but who am I to judge. HAHA. Just kidding. I am me and I will judge the hardest. I haven’t quite seen what shit the Chicks are getting yet but I’ll be anticipating diving in on that. The only thing I did see was this A+ tweet that made me laugh out loud. Anything that ties back to the CLASSIC that is Saved by the Bell will always get a full-belly laugh from me.

Good on The Dixie Chicks for dropping “Dixie” but “The Chicks” sounds like the name of a girl group AC Slater would put together for a talent show at The Max and Jesse Spano would hate fuck him for making her the lead singer of

— Rae Sanni (@raesanni) June 25, 2020

BONUS:

@thesaltyju

Had to say a hard goodbye today 😔 #oldfaithful #cheapstraightener #goodbyemylover #frizzyhair #revlon #throwback #fyp #resteasy

♬ Only Time – Enya

Somebody please explain TikTok to me because I was producing hilarious content out the ying yang last week and it was stacks of 0 views. This week, I threw out my $17 straightener that I bought when I was 15 and learned that letting my hair air dry and then using a ConAir crimper just wasn’t going to cut it once I was a high schooler. It was an emotional ending for me as this straightener has seen the best and worst of my hair throughout the past 15 years. It was only fitting that I gave it a proper burial with Enya. I expected this to be a dud just like the rest and whatdya know I checked TikTok twenty minutes later to confirm and it had 15 likes and 152 views. SO I GUESS I JUST HAVE TO BE NOT FUNNY TO BE NOTICED ON TIKTOK. I do not understand this app, which makes sense because I do not understand today’s youths and I feel like the two go hand in hand. This jarred me and I wasn’t sure what my next TikTok should be–something that I laughed at or something I think a 12 year old would laugh at. Therefore I only churned out one TikTok this week. To be fair, I also produced a HILAR video of my dad cannonballing that I worked really hard to splice some throwback 90’s audio in for but when I showed it to him expecting praise and affirmation that I’m creative AND funny, all he told me was that he looked like a heffer and this video was never to be posted anywhere publicly. WOMp WOMPPPPpppPPPP. Thanks, DAD. Way to have BODY CONFIDENCE. Don’t be out here doing 100 cannonballs and telling me to film or boomerang them if you’re just going to scoff at your dad bod in them. So instead of posting that, I’ll post this bitchy tweet about how much I hate celebs and their lack of individuality. Have a good weekend, everyone except famous people who get internet adoration for being TOTAL PLAIN BAGELS.

I guess if you’re famous you can just copy another famous person’s tweet word for word and still pull 11.8K likes. Hoping to one day be THAT unoriginal and still be worshipped. 🤞🏽🙏🏽 That’s the tweet. pic.twitter.com/Xs63XGXSbr

— Julia Giantomasi (@TheSaltyJu) June 25, 2020

Music, Playlist

Bitch, I’m Limited Edition.

This is for anyone who’s having a day (or a life) where they’re feeling down about themselves and need a quick reminder of just how awesome they are. I need this reminder more days than most but let me tell you, a quick rotation of songs that tell me how hot, cool, funny and unique I am, songs that remind me that I can do anything that I put my mind to? That shit works. Just listening to one of these songs gives me a burst of confidence and self-love so there’s no telling what I’ll do after a whole playlist full. Coincidentally, feeling insecure or defeated can sometimes come with a breakup, therefore I’ve peppered in a few dust yourself off breakup songs that I’ve enjoyed and related to over the past year as well. If you’re not going through a breakup, this playlist will still make you do a high kick and want to stunt all over your haters. Regardless of where you are in life, hopefully these songs will reinforce that you’re the bomb.com. OWN IT, ho. (I use this as a term of endearment, I’m really on a hot streak with it ever since I learned via The Last Dance that Michael Jordan repeatedly called his teammate a ho while bullying him to be a better player. MJ might have intended for it to be mean, but it made me laugh and therefore I’m normalizing ho as a name we can call our friends when we’re keeping it real.)

ME! – Taylor Swift Ft. Brendan Urie. Some might say because of my years-long obsession with Taylor Swift and anticipation of this single, I related to it a little TOO hard when it was finally released. I jammed out to it every chance I got and then to take it an annoying step further, would use it as an excuse for why I am the way that I am. If I did something obnoxious that would illicit an eye roll, I would immediately back it up with well, you can’t spell awesome without me! No one enjoyed it but I felt like it embodied the awkward weird girl who may struggle with confidence and need a reminder sometimes that there’s no one out there like me and THAT’S WHAT MAKES ME GR8! Thanks, Tay. I mean, the song literally starts out with I know that I’m a handful. Like did she write it about herself or about me? So for anyone whose a real dramatic disaster mess, that’s what makes us FUN!

All I Do Is Win – DJ Khaled Ft. Ludacris, T-Pain & Snoop Dogg. This is an all-around feel good jam coming from a place of over-confidence. If you’re ever looking for someone who toots their own horn, look no further than a rapper. They will have no trouble telling you about all of their money, cars and women lining up to bang them. And sometimes, that’s just what you need. You need to believe that you’re rolling in money, winning every single day, even if you’re very unemployed and living with your parents. I’ve used this song on one of my other playlists but it deserves a repeat. Plus, we just taught my 3 year old niece the chorus and I’m happy to give her another opportunity to show her madd skillz in throwing her hands in the air–UP DOWN, UP DOWN, UP DOWN. PS no hotter opening flow than LUDACRIS GOIN IN ON THE VERSE CAUSE I’VE NEVER BEEN DEFEATED AND I WON’T STOP NOW. You TELL EM, Luda!

Bathroom Floor – Maddie & Tae. Here’s a post breakup joint that I discovered while dabbling around YouTube and I’m so glad I did. Although it directly references crying from a breakup, I think it can be applied to anytime you’re knocked down. Get up, wash your face, put on a fab outfit and hit the town. Obviously this doesn’t apply in the current state of affairs but as soon as the world opens back up again, you best be getting up off that bathroom floor, gurl. Also, can confirm this is a great song to dance to.

I Love Me – Demi Lovato. It’s possible that the release of this song is what became the catalyst for making this playlist. Ya girl Demi has BEEN through some shit in the past couple of years and is very open about her struggles, so when we she released “Anyone”, her first song in over a year, about basically her lowest point, it was a very emotional song to listen to (may or may not have cried in the shower a couple times to it.) But then her follow up song is THIS. And I’m like GO OFF, QUEEN. It shows just how easy it is to get into down in the dumpster lows, but you have to remind yourself why you’re great to pick yourself up out of those lows. SAY IT WITH ME: I’m a ten out of ten even when I forget! Basically Demi managed to put a therapy sesh in song form, and for that I am grateful.

Soulmate – Lizzo. Lizzo busted onto the scene a year or so ago in a BIG way. I’m not referring to her size, I’m referring to the size of her confidence, which is what made her so infectious. I could’ve easily put every single song off of her album on this playlist because they all spout self-love, acceptance and badass confidence. There’s a reason people can’t stop captioning their selfies with her lyrics (guilty as charged.) She’s full of catchy one-liners to describe feelin’ ourselves. This song reminds us that if you don’t love yourself first, you’ll be hot garbage in a relationship. Lizzo puts it much more eloquently, of course. For example, “I know I’m a queen but I don’t need no crown.” Tysm, Lizzo.

Love Myself – Hailee Steinfeld. I added this knowing full well that it’s a controversial tune, but it’s 2020 baby, time to embrace it. This song is 1000000% about masturbation. Like there’s no dancing around it, the lyrics are plain as day, this gurl is DJ’ing in her bed singing about how she don’t need a man to orgasm. That being said, it’s a fire song and just so perfectly fits this theme. Although it may be nice sometimes to have somebody else in bed, do you really NEED them? Hailee says no. SCREAM YOUR OWN NAME! Ok, I’ll stop making you all uncomfy now.

***Flawless – Beyonce ft. Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. For anyone who’s not already a fan of this song, this is going to be weird to listen to because of all the soundbytes Yonce decided to toss in. Between the announcer voice at the beginning and end and ya gurl Chim giving a Ted Talk on feminism, it’s a lot to handle. But IN THE BEST WAY. This song is powerful as hell and gave us the cocky as shit phrase “I Woke Up Like This.” As soon as this album dropped and all of her pink font merch was appearing, I raced to the closest Etsy page selling knockoffs (I’m not about to pay full inflated price for a black tee with pink letters ironed on–that’s robbery) and ordered myself a tank top that just said FLAWLESS across the boobs. The first tank I received had a hair ironed into the letters. I cried. But when I received the replacement, I wore that tank constantly, usually unshowered and looking less than flawless–something my dad was all too pleased to point out. And you know what? I just flipped my hair and screamed BOW DOWN, BITCHES.

Not 20 Anymore – Bebe Rexha. Beebz has taken a lot of heat through the years about her “curvy” body. Obviously she’s petite & skinny and probably has a six pack but she also got an AZZ on her. As someone who busted a hole in clothing items twice in a six month span just because baby got back, I can very much relate. Bebe has been outspoken about what size she is after designers refused to make her red carpet looks because she’s a size 10 and has tried to create a platform around body positivity for the youths looking up to her. I saw her perform live last summer and was blown away by the amount that girl was dropping it low and bopping all over a stage like it was going out of style. At one point her backup dancer literally kicked her but those thicc thighs of hers were ready to take the hit. So praise her and her body confidence and beating out all insecurities women have about getting old. Twenties are for insecure losers, the big leagues start at 30 when you age like a fine wine and feel comfy in your skin. (I’m using her lyrics to tell you this, because I’m not yet 30 and therefore a very insecure loser…fingers crossed next year I’ll be like OMG YES 30 is the greatest age alive rather than feeling old as dick.) Shoutout to Bebe for also dropping this heater on her 30th. Typically I hate when girls post thirst traps, like we get it, you’re hot (eye roll) but I liked that this was a big FU to everyone who calls her fat. Check out that fAT AzZzZZ.

View this post on Instagram

‪This is what 30 looks like. My #BirthdaySuit Self love. Body positivity. Unapologetically me. Pre-show stretch and lipstick application #Not20Anymore‬

A post shared by Bebe Rexha (@beberexha) on Aug 30, 2019 at 8:59am PDT

You Need Me, I Don’t Need You – Ed Sheeran. I think the best part about this cocky “I’m the best” song is that it was one of the first songs Ed even released. He wasn’t the superstar he is now, he was an unknown UK singer/rapper, couch surfing and he’s like I don’t need any of you, I’m THE stuff. And he wasn’t wrong. I like that kind of fiery hot confidence right out the gate. It shows you that confidence is nothing more than telling yourself you’re awesome and then trying to convince others the same. Sounds so easy, right? He was basically Babe Ruth calling his shot on becoming a massively famous musician, selling out stadiums. And then he made it come true. Let that be a lesson, y’all. Also, Ed’s always been a wordsmith but hands down one of his greatest lines comes from this song right here–they say I’m up and coming like I’m f*cking in an elevator. Boom. Roasted.

Limitless – Jennifer Lopez. Shows you just how much of a megastar JLo is that she made this song as basically a throwaway for one of her movie soundtracks and it slaps this hard. I’ve written about this song before because I wanted her to perform it in the Super Bowl, so I don’t want to be repetitive for my super fans who read all of my blogs, but this is just a classic pump yourself up lady jam. Not saying guys can’t enjoy it too but there’s something about “I am a woman who roars” that seems to resonate more with the ladies. If there’s ever a doubt about if you can do something, look directly to JLo for inspiration. She’s 50 and THRIVING, Mama. Never give up.

Nightmare – Halsey. Coming off the high of being limitless, I decided to toss in this bangpiece that doesn’t necessarily directly relate to confidence boosting but should get you real fired up. It’s a little on the dark side, but that’s what we love about Halsey. She’s gritty and she isn’t afraid to tell you to F off. This is a GREAT song to scream sing in the car, I can attest to POPPING off more than once to I DON’T OWE YOU A G-D THING. What a rush that is to tell someone off, even if it’s just the inside of your vehicle.

How To Be Lonely – Rita Ora. Sprinkling in another post-breakup tune that I’ve enjoyed jamming to. Puts a real positive spin on the rock bottom feeling that heartbreak serves. It’s like when people say they feel free after a breakup. Like, I lost a human being who loves me, but now I can really focus on myself and do whatever I want. The bitter bitch in me wants to roll my eyes at things like that, but I’m trying to be less bitter so I’ll give Rita a chance here. Maybe the benefit of losing someone is that you learn to get comfy with being lonely. I’m not QUITE there yet, but I’ll keep working at it and bopping along to this sick beat.

Fight Song – Rachel Platten. Another war cry for anyone who just wants to stop trying. YOU’VE STILL GOT A LOT OF FIGHT LEFT IN YOU. So stop being a wiener and start being a warrior. I think that’s probably what Rachel was trying to say when she wrote this song.

Up – Thomas Rhett. I know this playlist focuses heavily on the *strong and sassy, independent women* tuneage, but I wanted to make sure I was including great male songs too even if they are far outnumbered–it’s only natural that I relate more to the female variety. TR gave us this positive track off his last album and it’s literally impossible to have the Debbie downer feels while listening. Life’s just a big ole rollercoaster and if you’re down right now, get ready to go up. I of course am still waiting for my ride to the top but TR has taught me to appreciate it more when I finally do get there because I REALLY know what it’s like to be in the pits. Seriously, any day now. I am ready and waiting for that skyrocket UP.

Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You) – Kelly Clarkson. Kelly Clarkson started her career on single girl anthems and that’s probably exactly why she became a megastar. She kicked that curly-headed f*ck Justin Guarini to the curb and was all Miss Independent. If she didn’t let From Justin to Kelly ruin her career from the very start, what doesn’t kill you truly does make you stronger.

Strip Me – Natasha Bedingfield. I’m not gonna let Natasha only be remembered for creating a song that will forever be tied to LC driving her Mercedes with the Hollywood sign in the background. This is a lesser known Natasha song but a whole lot more powerful than soundtracking a scripted reality show with “the rest is still unwritten.” Obviously she didn’t write the song with Lauren Conrad in mind, but you get the point. It’s another casual feminist anthem about always having a voice. So even if you lose everything else, they can never take your voice. Even if you use it to talk shit about celebrities and put out playlists on the internet.

Titanium – David Guetta Ft. Sia. This counts as another male appearance on the list even though Sia carries the song. This is the almighty goal here–no, not to physically have a robot body–but to care so little what people think or say about you that it just deflects off of you. That’s supreme level confidence and self-love that you don’t give a flying F what people think about you. Fire away, FIRE AWAY!

Castles – Freya Ridings. I heard this song on the radio this past fall and it was a day where I was thinking about how much everything sucked, feeling defeated and it was one of those rare moments that you don’t really get anymore (sorry radio, but you’re a dying medium for music discovery) where a song comes on randomly and it’s exactly what you need to hear. I remember feeling a surge of energy and relating the lyrics back to my broken heart as we all do when we’re being dramatic and feeling all the feels. Oh, what’s that, you’re doing great without me WELL I’M GONNA BUILD CASTLES AND BE MORE THAN YOU EVER THOUGHT I WAS. It was all I needed to feel better in that moment as I told off the pedestrian crossing in front of my car through song. Again, still working out the kinks on building that castle, it’s possible I need a few more rotations before I can really take action on that. But when I finally do, it’s over for you hoes.

Headlines – Drake. Again with the theory that no one brags on themselves better than rappers. Drake has basically made a career out of talking about how great he is, of course sometimes it comes at the expense of others–RIP Meek Mill. This is a throwback to OG Drizzy because I just love to point out when people are “overdosed on confidence” right from the start. It also gives me the opportunity to remind everyone of 2015 when I had an app that just responded to texts with Drake lyrics and boy was that a time to be alive. I wrote a whole blog on it because I too, was overconfident in my early blogging days, writing blogs where I literally texted myself for hours to get the right graphics. Check that out HERE for a giggle and a reminder that every once in a while it’s important to say something douchey like, “drinking every night because we drink to my accomplishments” to remind everyone around you what a boss you are.

Hold On – Wilson Phillips. I mean there really are no words to describe this classic and it’s timeless message. Other than imagining Kristen Wiig and Maya Rudolph interpretive dancing the chorus in bridesmaids dresses, you should also let the ladies of Wilson Phillips tell it like it is. They understand that life is a dumpster fire sometimes but you just hold on for one more day. And that’s all you really need to remember from this playlist. Having confidence or self love isn’t going to stop bad shit from happening, sometimes you just gotta fake it til you make it and keep waking up each day ready to fight. Whoa. Did I just get real deep?! You bet your ass I did. We all need a boost sometimes. I hope that this collection of tunes for the soul helped even just a little bit.

Also, not for nothing, but I listened to this playlist on my first attempt at a 15 mile bike ride the other day and it was a REAL rough situation between bugs, pollen, heat and going against the wind and there were several times I considered just sitting on a bench for a while or walking my bike back to my car and giving up, but quite literally every single song on this playlist pushed me to keep going. So even if you have confidence through the roof and you’re crushing life all day erreday, at least you know that this playlist can push you through a shitty workout where you want to throw up and die. YA WELCOME.

The Salty Ju

#NoFilter

Tag Archives: Demi Lovato

Weekly JUice

Weekly JUice

Weekly JUice

Weekly JUice

Weekly JUice

Weekly JUice

Weekly JUice

Weekly JUice

Weekly JUice

Bitch, I’m Limited Edition.