Music’s biggest night and an unwanted and somewhat harsh reminder that I’m too old to know half of the nominees! Seriously, who were half of these bozos?! Gotta be honest if we’re grading red carpets so far this year, this one was a real stinker. Not only was it 80% nobodies, but the somebodies dressed like street rats. In fact, I’m so disappointed I’m not even crowning a best look of the night. That’s right, when the children don’t behave, I take things away. Y’all are in time out.
WORST
Take that wave and beat it, nerd.
Well folks we’ve officially entered porny fashion when your nipples have to be blurred for People.com. Why are areolas an accessory? Lock that shit up, Doja. I don’t want to see that or really anything else that’s on display with this sheer dress. Honestly surprised she didn’t go full Kitty out.
Yaaaaa I get it, this is Billie’s thing. She dresses in baggie jammies like a teen going through a phase and whatever at this point that’s not what’s bothering me. She’s rocking a Barbie letterman jacket and that has cache these days. What grinds my Barbie gears is that if you’re going to go with brightly colored hair, WHY NOT DO PINK?! I mean come on, it’s such an obvious layup and I would be like YAS BARBIE KWEEN! Instead I want to barf.
Speaking of barfing, you know I’m about to rip a look apart when multiple people text me about it. Miley is known for seeking attention at awards shows as I think we all remember the nude latex bikini and foam finger duo as much as we’d like to forget. It’s no coincidence that as I’m writing this caption, she marched that behemoth of a teased mullet onto the stage to perform, further fueling my hatefire. I think I speak for everyone when I say what the actual fuck. What about her song Flowers deems an era of Princess Leia chains and an 80’s hairspray Joe Dirt mullet. She changed for the show probably because she didn’t want to sit on the equivalent of a chain link fence rubbing all up on her bits for 8 hours. She also switched to a less revealing but equally as loud silver showgirl number for her performance where her hair was once again a main character. You did it girlfriend, you got the attention, and possibly a metal rash. Enjoy sorting through that rat’s nest tomorrow.
No words, just this:
You can’t really tell because of how she’s posing but this dress has hip slits and no ma’am I don’t want it.
Our “did they finish making this dress?” look of the night. And to think this yarn and tulle explosion was done *on purpose.* And you know what’ll complete the look? Braids and a giant hat of course.
It’s the pointy shoes for me, bruh.
This was the part of the red carpet where I truly wondered if I should be watching these awards shows anymore. I know who Phoebe Bridgers is on her own, I didn’t know that she somehow was in a group called BoyGenius and these lil white shortpant suits are atrocious. I’m glad People used the picture where they’re mostly smiling because as they posed they looked like hostages in formalwear and it was v unsettling.
Welp this is pirate cosplay.
BOO. HISS. COME AT ME, SWIFTIES! This look stinks on toast and anyone who’s too wrapped up in their Taylor obsession to admit this cannot be trusted. This is a bedsheet. There’s nothing special about it other than the fact that it clearly showcases how her spray tan stops at her ankles. Yoikes, girl. As I’m sure I’ve mentioned before (possibly just to my family but perhaps on this platform) Swifties are awaiting the Reputation re-record. So everytime Taylor has been seen in public in the past few months, these psychos have been foaming at the mouth for Reputation clues. Well this seems to be the most promising as her black gloves and choker with a clock set to midnight leads to the assumption that we’ll find out soon if it’s coming out. I for one hope we get the announcement so I can stop reading REPUTATION IS COMING because she dared to have curly hair at a football game. And once again, timing is everything, as I write this she announces her brand new album (not re-record) coming out in April so blow my brains out we’ll hear about Reputation for the rest of our damn lives because this chick will literally not stop releasing 25 fresh songs every quarter.
She may have found herself on the worst dressed list but at least she looked better than her most hated ex-boyfriend who looks like a 70’s hotel carpet. WHAT A LOSER. A LOSER WITH A SKINNY WIENER.
THIS IS WHAT NIGHTMARES ARE MADE OF.
Oh ok, sure babe, just cut a hole in a dinner napkin and toss it over your head to cover your rack.
NOOOOOO not the cleavage tie. Don’t bring THAT back. This is trashy as hell and you can’t change my mind by bangling to your armpits and double hooping it, Lizzo.
I don’t care that this makes me sound like a senior citizen but what do kids these days see in a rapper who looks like orphan Annie? It’s alarming at best.
Former Sexiest Man Alive has really fallen hard off that post by doing a man cleave deep v silky tie shirt. It’s giving me all the icks.
Zach Bryan and Noah Kahan blew up into a different stratosphere this year. They kind of have similar music and also don’t really? That’s the best way I can describe men with good voices and strong lyrics who may or may not be the same genre. But I feel like they’re often mentioned in the same breath. So why not match for the Grammys? Like come on dudes, be original. Make a splash. I’m so tired of every guy looking identical.
Lana has a whole schtick and I’m sorry bout it but I hate it. I don’t think grown-ups wearing tea time dresses with puffy shoulders, hard bangz and bows coming out the ass is cute, I think it’s weird.
BEST
This outfit is so stupid that I respect the hell out of it. if you roll up to the Grammys as a nobody, you HAVE to do a bit. What do you have to lose? She will forever (until I forget next week) be known as fur sombrero.
Do I love this? No. But Chrissy’s got a set of hot legs and I dig the rose shape to make it floral fun.
This style dress is definitely having a moment as I’ve already peeped it a couple times this season. I like a little optical illusion even though overall this is kinda a snoozer. Yeah that’s right, I’m so annoyed with this red carpet that even my “best dressed” are getting a little sass too. WOW ME, PEOPLE. I’m not one of those E Red Carpet correspondents who falls all over themselves to say each person they speak to is stunning, flawless, and amazing. If they’re all stunning, flawless & amazing then NO ONE IS.
ONLY Lenny Kravitz can wear a mesh shirt with leather sleeves. No one else. (Also that bod…sup?)
Stunning, Flawless, Amazing.
This is a flattering gown but can I ask what the rules are for trends? Because some of these trends that are having a hard comeback like chokers for example, were spicy in 2016. And that seems too soon? Like who decides the rebound period on what’s hot in the streets. I’m mostly pissed because I got rid of my chokers last year. I figured by the time they came back around I’d be too old for them and NOW HERE WE ARE. The over the knee boots, dark lips and chokers were my MF’in JAM in 2016 and 2017 and who could’ve predicted that they’d only take a 6 year hiatus?!
Ed looks trendy kewl in this camo-ish set but why is Aaron Dessner dressed up as a burglar?
This is classy cool and how you rock a power hat.
Could do without the OJ Simpson gloves but love the detailing giving a black suit some pizazz.
God Billy Joel is so cool it hurts. The iconic wayfarers, dropping a new song when he literally never has to release music again because he plays nothin but the hits at the Garden every month to a soldout crowd. Of course, that’ll be ending soon, and I’m definitely not feeling any sorts of bitter about it as someone who couldn’t afford nosebleeds for $300 a piece and lamely keeps checking hoping somehow I’ll find a deal. COME ON PIANO MAN, HOOK A GIRL UP! (I was supposed to see him in December of 2022 and he just had to go and cancel 3 days before. SO CLOSE YET SO FAR.)
Sofia is the moment for fashion. Everything she does is so chic, so much so that her first post-pregnancy announcement outfit provoked me to immediately message my sister and ask her if I need to start one-strapping my overalls now even though I’m not with child but look like I potentially could be.
That’s hot.
OK GAYLE. She’s WERKIN this sparkle jam.
Can’t shout out Gayle without her #1 homegirl O! Oprah is aging backwards. She’s skinny again, she’s rocking a party pony, she’s still running the shouting announcer-voice style into the mic bit into the ground. It continues to be Oprah’s world and we’re all just living in it.
Definitely had higher expectations for Kelsea because she’s been crushing this year but I do enjoy the purple flowers even though the top half of the dress looks like she got mauled by a bear.
Christina went onstage early to present and I was like HOT DAMN she looks amazing and immediately scrambled to find her red carpet piccie. She’s killin it in baby blue!
Including this photo was 1000% for my own entertainment. This is Bonnie McKee. She sang the sleeper 2004 hit “Somebody” which you may remember from the absolute fire flames rom com classic “Win A Date with Tad Hamilton,” which I still quote regularly. I was #blessed to see Bonnie open up for Ryan Cabrera soon after in my first parents-free concert and color me shocked to see her fiery red hair on the carpet that matches the drapes. BONNIE?! WHATCHU DOIN AT THE GRAMMYS, GORL?! Proud of you.
BUSTA with the floral patterned jacket!
Despite the jarring lip/chin dangle, Fantasia looks bomb.com here and I certainly cannot say the same for her Tina Turner inspired performance where she had an actual tail dangling from her downstairs and a rattail floating from her upstairs. Lotta tail and it really made me wonder if no one wanted to dance it out with her in the audience because of that.
I’ll allow it because it’s glittery.
Haven’t seen Ellie in a minute and I’m into this witchy Raven of darkness mood.
Kelly looks like a babe soda and this gown really accentuates her new figure which I can’t help but notice turned up REAL QUICK and I wonder if she’s drinking the Ozempic Kool Aid?! I hope not. YOU’RE BETTER THAN A DIABETES DRUG THAT BRAVOLEBRITIES ABUSE. Jus sayin. If you lost weight the old fashioned way (by starving yourself and doing 3 workouts a day) then I redact and you keep up the good work, girl!
The Holy Trinity. Can I just say that as soon as I glimpsed Blue as a grown ass woman in a gown, I was like oh wow I’m 900 years old. When did she become an adult?! She looked very elegant, especially next to her mom wearing a white 10 gallon hat lookin like a damn fool. You may be thinking, is she really going to take shots and Tay AND Bey?! And you bet your bottom dollar I am because if you wear something stupid, I’M GONNA TELL YA! YEEHAW. In all seriousness, I do like Beyonce’s outfit just absotootley didn’t need a comically large cowboy hat to top it off. PS Jay-Z’s speech was my favorite of the night. Admitted he was nervous as hell but landed the plane with some inspirational thoughts at the end. HOV!
It’s 2022, baby! We’ve got about 6 zillion streaming services and FINALLY they’re all making original Christmas movies. We are no longer SHACKLED to a network geared toward the middle-aged female demo making four of the exact same movie starring Candace Cameron Bure each and every year with the grand finale being a Sahara desert dry brushing of lips. We’ve got OPTIONS now! When I sat down to make my list of preferred flicks to watch, I clicked through 174 BRAND NEW original Christmas movies. And from that monster list (shout out Entertainment Weekly), I narrowed it down to a conservative 33 movies as a guideline, adding and deleting along the way. Let the records also show that CableTV.com put out a call for one person to be the “Chief of Cheer,” watch 25 movies in 25 days, submit commentary and get paid $2,000 for their services. I nearly broke my keyboard whipping up a lengthy rambling of a submission PLEADING my case that I’m already the Chief of G-D Cheer and I deserve compensation for it for ONCE. Spoiler alert: I did not get the job. Big mistake, CableTV.com, HUGE.
For anyone who cares, here was my submission that was so unjustly overlooked. I hope everyone at CableTV.com gets coal in their stockings this year.
There’s truly nothing better than pouring myself a glass of wine, snuggling up on the couch in my sherpa-lined red truck blanket, staring at the twinkling Christmas tree in the corner & smashing play on a holiday movie. It is the true meaning of Christmas.
Not only do I enjoy consuming a sleigh-load of holiday movies each year, but for the past 8 years I’ve maintained a pop culture blog (thesaltyju.com) and each year I recap the newest Hallmark & Lifetime holiday movies and share my opinions with the world (whoever stumbles upon my blog.) Considering each streaming network is now competing for who can release more original holiday movies each year, this is quite an undertaking and I feel as though my fervor to watch each one and record my thoughts before Christmas Day is impressive. I’m dedicated to watching overworked corporate girlbosses return to their sparsely populated hometown and fall in love with the local carpenter as they harmonize at the church Christmas pageant that they managed to cobble together after many holiday hijinks, sharing one chaste kiss under the mistletoe as the credits roll. And if I’m that dedicated WITHOUT pay, imagine the effort I’ll put in with a little incentive?!
Even though I make time for 20-30 new holiday movies each year (while keeping Hallmark running in the background as I “work” from home so I can rewatch old ones as well) I always make sure to revisit the classic Christmas movies I grew up on. Each Christmas season *must* include Home Alone (1 & 2), Elf, I’ll Be Home For Christmas, The Santa Clause (1&2), Love Actually, Miracle on 34th Street, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation & The Grinch. Of course, I’ll make room for new classics to be sprinkled into the mix, most recently Netflix’s The Christmas Chronicles has become a fan favorite in my household of one. Kurt Russell gave Santa an edge that we haven’t seen since Tim Allen in the early 90’s and I can always get down with a cool Santa sax solo.
Anyway, as you can see, I’m already crushing it as a Chief of Cheer every holiday season like it’s my J-O-B, so why not get paid for it?! I would LOVE the opportunity to watch Christmas movies and share my feedback with CableTV.com. Thank you so much for your consideration and keep the change, ya filthy animals!
Anywho, back to the matter at hand, Hallmark has really jumped the shark since the aforementioned CCB left and now that the streaming services are releasing their own Christmas movies, pumping a fraction of our ungodly subscription fees into the production value, there really is no competition. That’s not to say I ruled out the OG giants of Christmas (Hallmark and Lifetime), but I will give you fair warning that in the world of streaming cable, you can’t have both. You either get Hulu Live TV with Lifetime or YouTubeTV with Hallmark. There’s a special place in hell for ex boyfriends who cancel their Hulu Ad-Free Live TV that they know you’re using, in PEAK Christmas movie season, without even a courtesy warning. Which is how I found myself scrambling to get a YouTubeTV subscription and therefore had no option but to F with Hallmark exclusively this year (Sorry, bout it, Lifetime.) So without further ado, I’ve divided by network–in alpha order–so you can roll right past the networks you’ve chosen not to pay for (or steal logins for.)
AMAZON PRIME
Something From Tiffany’s
A product of Reese Witherspoon’s production company, Hello Sunshine, the plot of this one is a wee bit of an engagement ring mixup. Ethan gets a big ole rock to propose to his LA girlfriend, Gary gets his girlfriend diamond earrings, their bags get switched and each woman opens up the wrong gift on Christmas day. Except instead of correcting the mixup, Gary goes pedal to the metal and proposes anyway with a ring he certainly doesn’t have the coin to pay for. We all know they have to make the current partner hateable so we don’t feel like it’s cheating when there’s a spark with someone else…but I feel like they went too far here. Gary the tattoo artist is a thieving scumbag. And word on the street is it’s ok to leave your fiance when he’s a poor dirtbag with no morals. This movie was kinda boring overall save for BFF Terri who provides comic relief and rips on the shitty boyfriend, but it’s a nice Christmas in the city story overall. Definitely can tell its got that Reese cashflow.
Your Christmas or Mine?
I guess this one was geared toward the younger crowd as it featured two college students. Ah, to be young and in love at Christmas with a posh accent. Leaning on the “let’s surprise each other” but do it at the same time and completely miss each other trope, James ends up celebrating Christmas with Hayley’s family in one town and Hayley ends up suck with James’ dad in another. Obviously neither one has told their family about the status of their relationship because they’ve been dating basically five minutes. Secrets are revealed, families are the worst, and the ONLY time I chuckled was when Hayley’s family shows up at James’ mansion (he’s a Lord) and make a comment about how she could’ve pulled a proper Meghan Markle. Otherwise, this movie is a dud and you couldn’t PAY me to spend a holiday with a brand new sig oth’s family WITHOUT THEM THERE. Pure torture.
CBS
When Christmas was Young
This is primetime. The big leagues. This movie premiered after 60 Minutes! What a lead-in. You know it’s good shit when it’s getting the Sunday night feature like it’s awards season. Happy to report it did not disappoint, especially since it was the last movie I viewed this season and I already had quite an ear full of “original Christmas songs” that made me want to scoop out my ear drums with a butter knife. With Sheryl Crow as an EP, you can trust the music will be legit and it sure was. Luke Dawson (hot name) is a doucheroni country music agent who gets fired and his last Hail Mary to keep his biggest client is to get the rights to a song written by Melody. Tale as old as time, Melody shows him the charitable and family side of Christmas so he stops being such a turd and Luke repays her by giving her song away anyway so he can keep his job. All’s well that ends well though, obviously in song. I really don’t have a lot of snark for this one because it followed the holiday movie formula to a T and it didn’t have any weird actors overdoing it in the background or terribly cringetastic scenes. Round of Applause for the Canadians here, they know how to make a solid Christmas movie.
GREAT AMERICAN FAMILY
Catering Christmas
Molly is the chipper go-getter of a business owner trying to land a catering job for a rich family and Carson is the privileged nephew photographer of said family who has a boner for her. This movie was the equivalent of a Christmas cutout sugar cookie, sweet and basic. No major conflict, no exes to get rid of, and even when Carter had to pick going to Milan over staying in his hometown to be chairman of the family biz, it was *very* anticlimactic. Bonus Points for an opening scene of Carson sneaking up on his aunt and taking a picture of her before even saying hello…stalk, much?! And a suuuuper random side love story between the butler and the aunt that escalated very quickly. We went from sidelong glances to a proposal in RECORD speed.
HALLMARK
Haul Out the Holly
Holly’s parents run the neighborhood Christmas festivities every year and basically have been ruining her Christmas since she was born because instead of getting to open presents at home she has to be free labor for their festival. Less than 5 minutes into the movie we’ve got a “I’m not happy in this relationship” and Holly will be returning home for Christmas with her overachieving parents. Except this bitch has the worst parents in the world. Like someone commit these two clowns to a mental institute. Who invites their daughter home and is like, “Bye babes, Happy Christmas we’re moving to Florida right now! Sorry about your breakup, please watch our giant house and make sure it’s decorated up to HOA code!” There are no redeeming qualities to this movie as everyone is rude and weird & sketchy and she’s an ADULT. Say no and get the hell outta there! And the lead male HOA president nerdbomber is a fucking loser. I don’t care if he’s an architect, he’s giving citations for not having a porch nutcracker, someone needs to give him a swirlie and then stuff him in a locker. And OF COURSE he plays the guitar. Extra cringes for the classic bludgeoning of an all-time great Rom Com line with: “Just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to be Santa.” WOOF. MAKE IT STOP.
A Cozy Christmas Inn
I only stomach’ed like 45 mins of this and I was barely paying attention but I knew the minute I heard two old biddies in a town with a stupid name say “Believe in the magic!” that this was very much not the movie for me. I dig Jodie but we all have to have boundaries and a movie where Santa is the main hunk’s dad is mine. I don’t know exact plot deets here but I know Andy is the ex and Erika is there to buy his B&B leading to the often predictable “PROMOTION OR LOVE” decision…but with lots of twinkle sound effects and lines like “stop listening to your head and start listening to your heart!” From someone who thinks exclusively with her heart this is BAD advice from the friend of the program. Extra cringies for Erika asking Santa (Andy’s dad) for Andy for Christmas. I almost puked in my hands typing that. And it wouldn’t be a “one of a kind town” without annoying AF side characters trying to bring main character energy. I don’t care about your small town life in Garland, old diner people, kick rocks.
Christmas Class Reunion
As a Julie Taylor fan (yes I’m using her character name instead of her real name) I had high hopes for this one. She’s cute, the lead guy is a babe, what could go wrong?! Everything apparently. The opening scene is a complete rip of the Carrie pig’s blood dumping but Hallmark style. Then we fast forward 15 years later to all of these goons and where they are now. The over-acting in this one is next level and the way that each character acts like where they are in life is the END OF THE WORLD. (I was unemployed and moving back home right around the time my high school reunion took place so let’s cool our jets with pretending life sucks when you’re all gainfully employed.) The couple that was soooo in love in high school is separated now (color me shocked) and is hoping the reunion would spark their magic again. Since Hallmark isn’t about showing divorce, I think we can safely assume nostalgia will trump couples therapy in the end. None of these fools have talked to each other in 15 years but doesn’t stop them from acting like they’re besties when they’re reunited and also I HAVE A BONE TO PICK. When will Hallmark learn to fill the coffee cups with at least water so everyone stops tipping obviously empty cups toward their dome piece and pretending to sip. Shout out to random unnamed co-worker of Julie Taylor for the most memorable line of the whole damn thing, “They’re saying it’s a federal investigation…as in the FBI!” Oh, is that what that is?!
#Xmas
Jen runs a home decorating shop with her sister and makes lil videos and Max is her BFF from college who helps photograph and film her. They decide to enter some sort of HGTV knock-off celeb couple contest for influencers posing as a married couple with a baby. Obvs they become finalists and let me be the first to say this Hally threw me for a loop. It didn’t really follow the formula and everyone pretty much hated Jen for most of this movie. Her mom, Max who has been in love with her forever with her friend zoning him HOARD. Jen was not a fan favorite and not to pile on but she still hasn’t gotten any better at doing an American accent since her days starring as Scarlett on Nashville. But as we’ve learned, if anything can make you stop being an asshole, it’s Christmas…and also pretending to be your nephew’s mom on a stage in front of tons of people when he says “mama” for the first time and he ain’t talkin to you. Pro Tip: If you want to make this movie more fun, drink every time Jen pops into “influencer” voice and worry about the future of our youth who live in influencer voice 24/7. For realz, I saw a middle schooler prop her phone on a shelf at Wegmans and start doing a dance in the aisle. #We’reAllFucked.
A Tale of Two Christmases
It’s on me that I didn’t read the description (or the title) with any sort of common sense and still chose to watch this. I can’t get down with groundhog day or magical alternate universe movies so as soon as Santa “granted a Christmas wish” and the clock stopped working I knew I was screwed. Not only that, but I was confused. When this parallel Christmas first started I had no way of telling which was which. I guess what I’m trying to say is I think I’m finally too stupid for Hallmark? Also ain’t that some shit that you tell some fat guy ringing a bell that you “just want something to work out for once” and you get to live out two Christmases to let you know which man candy to choose and how to crush it at your career. WHERE’S MY FAT MAN?! I’d love an insider tip, homeslice. I want to help my middle school bully sensually strip his chunky knit Christmas sweater off after declaring it’s hot in here! Anyway, no spoilers but Emma’s Christmas with fancy lawyer Max and her promotion to lead architect ends up being a real disaster and as it turns out moving home to Vermont and starting a biz with her dad and smooching the guy she grew up with is THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS. “You know I’m not perfect, right?” “You are to me!” AWWWWWGagggmylifeawayAWWWW.
HBO MAX
Holiday Harmony
Homeless chick Gail drives around the country in a van and does open mics, but she’s keeping her followers up to date on the journey which is high key obnoxious to watch her be an influencer who can’t afford an apartment but can afford to overshare. And wouldn’t you know her van/home gets totaled by a goat or something on her way to LA for her big break. The man, the myth, the legend, JD McCoy (clearly the Friday Night Lights characters are a HIT in the Christmas movie scene), is the mechanic who will fix her van and then make it rock if ya know what I mean, WINK WINK. Not gonna lie, grown up JD was doing it for me in this movie and I’m not ashamed to admit it. Sure, the movie took an emotional turn that I wasn’t prepped for but we got a sex scene. HELL YEA. HBOMax has no rules and I DIG IT. Unfortunately that’s immediately followed by children singing which is a big HELL NO. Overall dece movie but I’d be remiss not to shine a light on the worst part…the hispanic actress that I saw in THREE movies so far this year and she was playing a loud obnoxious caricature in all three. Was she running a special on “annoying over-animated screecher” as a character?! I was mega embarrassed for her every time she graced my TV this year.
A Hollywood Christmas
Jess is directing a Christmas movie about a lawyer shutting down a bakery and as it’s shooting, Christopher, a finance bro from the network, comes to shut down the Christmas movie division, Omg SO meta. A few minutes later I discovered that Jess’s assistant has a cartoon baby voice that made me want to blow my brains out and I PRAYED that her speaking role would diminish as this flick progressed. That was my one Christmas wish this year. And that Christmas wish was quickly shattered because this girlie was basically a main character flapping that squeaker of hers to point out all of the ways in which Jess’s life was playing out like a Christmas movie. It certainly didn’t help matters that I was already cranky and starving as I watched this movie on my colonoscopy prep day. The treat your real life like a Christmas movie WHILE filming a Christmas movie that has almost the same plot all voiced by lil miss helium pipsqueak was a hard no for me. I paused it several times and it took everything in me to finish it. Then it ended on a musical number to really seal its fate as worst movie ever. PS: STOP TRYING TO MAKE THE “IS DIE HARD A CHRISTMAS MOVIE” ARGUMENT CUTE FLIRTY DATING BANTER. IT IS NOT.
HULU
Merry Kiss Cam
Jess (clearly a hot name choice this year) is an artist and Danny owns a hockey bar that was passed down from his dad. Danny is also the hottie from Bring It On and dayumnnn he aged well. Anyway, the initial attraction between these two crazy kids is they both are adults who eat snow. And honestly I can see that being listed as a kink on a dating profile. “We’re the same kind of weird if…we both eat snow.” I really need to get off of the apps. But I’ve got nothing but love for this movie. I liked both of the leads, they had the most adorable couple banter and I love a good falling in love montage, which this gave in the form of smooching at college hockey games so they keep up their winning streak. My only snarky comment is that I wish she would’ve gotten those godforsaken bangs out of her eyes. If anyone is on the fence about cutting bangs, watch Jess spend the entire movie pushing them back so she could actually use her eyes while painting.
My Christmas Fiancé
This was so bad that I honestly double checked to make sure it wasn’t a parody and I didn’t fall for it. As it turns out, the creator of this movie was serious and for that I am so sorry. When the movie started and we were getting artsy shots of food in a prep kitchen I thought wow, these TV movies are really trying to make it to Cannes these days. But then as I kept watching it became clear that there is no shot this wasn’t a student-made film. Besides the next level bad acting that reeks of volunteers from class, the camera was constantly moving like a dad behind a camcorder. At one point, a waitress comes into the kitchen probably trying to do a different accent then her own and goes, “what are you guys doing here” and I swore I was losing my mind and/or tripping on shrooms because I thought somehow my TV switched to slow motion cause it took so long for her to get that sentence out. And the CHERRY ON TOP is that this abomination to the term movie actually had a recognizable name in it with Denise Richards. I watched the whole damn thing and I still have no idea what Denise Richards’ role was other than to pop up and watch the main characters cr33p style or say a few incoherent words here and there. I don’t think even she knew she was on a movie set. She probably thought it was for her OnlyFans. I would say skip this movie but I also kind of want someone else on this earth to have gone through the torture that was watching it so pls report back so we can commiserate.
LIFETIME
Steppin into the Holiday
Billy Holiday gets fired from his dance show with his wife (IRL) because what is a holiday movie without Mario Lopez’s entire family making a cameo. He goes home for the holidays and sees an opportunity to keep twirling with his nephew’s dance teacher Ray. It may be disrespectful to critique the children in movies but this one deserves to be knocked down a peg or two. Billy’s nephew is the most annoying little shit in the history of annoying little shits. He’s a TikTok dancer who thinks he’s going to be famous so he stops studying at school so he can record himself shimmy shaking. As my sister and I noted out loud anytime he graced the screen, “what a cocky little fuck.” Besides CLF, the aforementioned obnoxious side character actress from Holiday Harmony also plays Billy’s sister (annoying shit’s mom, go figure) and gives off a REAL weird sibling energy. It goes from immature to flirty real quick when she tells him they should wrestle for the bed closest to the door. It gave me all of the ickies. Thank GOD for Cheri Oteri popping in throughout for a much-needed case of the giggles.
Cloudy with a Chance of Christmas
No. Just, no.
NETFLIX
Falling for Christmas
Sierra is a rich, spoiled asshole with an obviously gay influencer boyfriend Tad. Mid-proposal, they both fall in an avalanche or something equally as ridiculous and Jake, the small resort owner that’s about to go under, claims Sierra because she doesn’t remember who she is. Since they had a not so pleasant run-in while Jake was asking Sierra’s dad for funding to stay afloat, I thought we were watching an Overboard remake where Jake was going to punish Sierra by making her live like a commoner and learn the value of a dollar. But it turns out this guy is really dumb enough to not remember someone yelling at him one day prior and had no clue who she was until the end. There’s a magical Santa that plays absolutely no role in the greater plot other than appearing with sleigh bells music every once in a while and giving a creepy smile. Most importantly, we are served with the most horrible hair in the history of men’s hair that I was so disgusted by I got right up on my TV and rewound to snap some pics for proof.
IS HE PULLING THAT FACE BECAUSE HE CAUGHT A GLIMPSE OF HIS OLE PLASTIC HEAD ASS IN THE MIRROR?! BOOM. ROASTED. Shout out to my girl LiLo for a solid comeback and one of the few somewhat enjoyable movies this year.
Christmas with You
If I had a dollar for every time I typed the sentence “this is next level bad” into my notes app during a holiday movie viewing, I’d be able to afford the houses that all those cool kids my age are getting. Angelina is a popstar who needs to write an original Christmas song for her label and Miguel is a music teacher whose daughter is obsessed with Angelina and makes a TikTok that she notices. And that’s how two sassy ladies (Angelina and her comedic relief assistant) end up hitting up a 14 year old and her old ass dad for inspiration. Seriously, there’s no planet where I believe this hot tamale of a popstar is getting sucked in by a 46 year old man. Oh shit, nevemind, I just IMDB’ed her age and she’s 44 proving the theory VERY wrong that men age better in this scenario because I thought for sure this chick was 30 tops. Hand up, I judged the age difference here and there is none. Whoopsie. Anyway, it still doesn’t justify a very sensual dough-touching scene for these two to have while the rest of the fam makes ‘let’s get it on ‘eyes at them, INCLUDING THE TEENAGER… CRINGE MY LIFE AWAY. Unfortunately, this was also hands down the worst original song I’ve ever heard and that’s saying a lot considering I watched the Netflix original Purple Hearts where they pounded their original ditty into your brains by performing it 16,000 times. She even switched into Spanish for a hot second too so this song could blow in two languages! Feast your ears on this fiery hot garbage that somehow even fictionally got a slot on SNL. IS LORNE DEAF?!
The Noel Diary
My mom and I sat down to watch this one together and I had to run an errand and she asked if she should pause it. I told her I’d catch up. Came back with a half hour left and had the whole thing figured out so I guess I’m not too dumb for Netflix, which is comforting. This movie is obviously made for moms all over the world who think Justin Hartley is charismatic and dreamy. I’m not sellin what he’s buyin, so I could really judge this movie without falling for his movie star smile. Leaning a little more on the dramatic side, Jake goes back into his family history after his mom dies to reconnect the maid with her long-lost daughter who he obv can’t resist. My bone to pick here is that this girlie full-on cheats to be with him. Clearly no one at Netflix is doing their research cause that’s a hard no in holiday movie-land. You don’t cheat, you just emotionally connect with someone better and then your partner does something horrible and inexcusable and you don’t have to feel guilty that you don’t actually love them. DUH. But don’t ask me what I think of this movie, ask my mom who was sobbing on the couch as the credits rolled.
I Believe in Santa
Magazine writer Lisa says the word wiener to her boss within 5 mins and I was sold…until I laid eyes on Tom. This is the creepiest male lead I’ve ever peeped and I am not exaggerating when I say that this guy would be much more fitting for a serial killer / stalker role in a Lifetime movie. How quickly it can go from wiener jokes to the cringiest movie alive. Lisa hates Christmas and Tom is so obsessed with it that he should be on a watchlist. Then she discovers he genuinely still believes in Santa and judging by her sticking with him in the end, they probably both could benefit from therapy. As much as this movie gave me the uncomfies every time Tom’s face graced the screen, what really jammed my glock was the way Netflix was trying to hide deeper lessons about religion, race, and humanity into arguments about Santa. That was more than I was willing to learn from a low budge Christmas flick. Not trying to contemplate the existence of God in my pjs while I wrap Barbie’s on a Saturday morning, guys, so let’s cool our jets here. I do suggest taking this one for a spin if you’d like to have nightmares that feature Tom’s terrifying face for the foreseeable future.
I dipped my toe in the quarantine awards show waters with the MTV VMA’s a couple of weeks ago and they were a downright disaster. Half was pre-taped, it was confusing as hell and watching a host that’s not really funny to begin with tell awk jokes to an empty room was cringeworthy as hell. Also, I must also add that I probably aged out of the VMA’s about ten years ago but much like everything else in my life, I refuse to accept it. Regardless, I’m bored as dick and thirsty as hell for awards shows. I live for getting a little wine sauced, stuffing snacks in my snackhole and judging fashion choices and unexpected live moments when celebrities all gather in one arena. Obviously COVID has really dumped all over that. It really hasn’t stopped me from dabbling in these attempted multiple-location, no audience awards shows so we will FORGE AHEAD. Since there wasn’t officially a “red carpet”, there’s only a few pictures to work with here so instead of doing a best and worst dressed, I’ll slap them all together and give you my sasshole commentary as per usual. A quick overall note, if I may…due to the fact that there wasn’t a E! worthy red carpet with Ryan Seacrest asking everyone what they were wearing and what snacks they have in their pantry at home, celebs did not care to dress up for this event. Loungewear casj chic was a real vibe for this show. Lots of sneaks and tees. If I sound judgmental please know that I’m not because this is my casual-wear and it makes the following look like couture.
This shirt is barftastic and I’m not just saying that because Lady “A” came across like a buncha pricks by changing their name for being racist & doubling down when it turned out to be the name of an already established black artist. YOOOOOOOIKES. To that shirt and also their PR.
Going for the classic black can be pretty boring but it did allow me to really focus on Dan’s beautiful curls. I mean damn, this guy used to have a fade and now he rolls out with ringlets dripping down his back. I’m jelly as hell. My curls are garbage compared to these. Why is it always the guys who probably don’t even use conditioner and just let their hair air dry have the best locks? It’s just not fair and yes I did just work myself into a tizzy about this jabroni’s perfect hair. It doesn’t help that I found my very first grey hair a month ago so basically my hair stinks and also I’m 29 going on 98.
I appreciate the efforts to duo coordinate here but I can’t give them an A+. Brian is essentially wearing an outfit I would wear, Tyler has denim patches in his crotch. SWING AND A MISS! I CAN get down with both headwear choices. It’s no secret that I got into the felt hat game last year because I wore the shit out of my maroon hat and photographed it every chance I got. Game respects hipster game. And obviously a backwards camo hat is also my steeze because I learned how to shoot a gun this summer, nbd but HBD. I’m so country it hurts.
I have no idea what the HELL is going on with this skirt but I’m obsessed with the rest of it. I mean, throw on a pair of classic white kicks and an N*SYNC shirt and you know I’m going to be foaming at the mouth, Hils. Well played. Also, where can I get that tee, yo?
Looooove this mixture. Roger Klotz meets Willie Nelson. YESSIRRRR. Who says you can’t do both!?
I would’ve respected Kane more if he showed up decked out in full outdoor gear after he got lost in his own backyard and had to have the cops come rescue him. JK, JK. Relax. For realz though, this look is pretty boring.
Ya gurl Kelsea received the highest of compliments and the highest of disses in one single sentence from my mother. She said, she’s got nice legs like Carrie Underwood but she doesn’t have a voice like Carrie. OOF. Cin building ya up to break you down. Either way, her legs are H A W T and she’s crushing those cheetah boots.
This is quite the 80’s fit. Oversized plaid blazer and white patent leather boots. I know blazers are making a comeback again but I’m just not a fan. Some people can really pull it off in the right environment but a country show in Nashville doesn’t SCREAM Clueless blazer to me. Now…if she had an N*SYNC tee underneath this mom blaze? It would’ve been GAME ON.
One of my besties in college used to have a pair of glasses like this that we would wear out when we were trashed to spark conversation. We called them The Lovely Bones glasses because make no mistake about it, they are 100% the glasses of a rapist. If Lindsay is looking to creep everyone out as the star of their nightmares (especially with that closed mouth smile) and get some laughs, great choice. If she’s trying to look trendy and cute–these glasses have got to GO. Love the matching separates though. Looks like red carpet loungewear.
Luke legit didn’t even know the awards were tonight this is just what he wears every day. Just rolled in from the farm and was like oh that’s tonight? Cool beans.
I love summer and I love a good tropical print. But I’m conflicted here, because on principle, I do not like Maren. I don’t like how she’s always flashing the goods on a red carpet. Like congrats on your breast feeding rack but also, we don’t all need to see it. Other than her yabbos poking me in the eye, I’m loving this Hawaiian snack of a dress and the neon heels.
I love this guy. He’s a true country hick that just happens to have some hit songs. Canadian Tuxedo and full-blown mullet. Don’t ever change, Morgan.
YAAASSSSSSS this is probbably my favorite look of the night (which isn’t really saying a lot because we’ve got a real dry spell of outfit pics.) Bob Dylan tee, leather fringe skirt and cowboy booties killinnnnn ittttt. Perfect casj cool concert look.
Riley also growing out the lettuce in quarantine and I don’t hate it one bit. He went so casj you can literally see the outline of his iPhone in his pocket. Or is that his phone…
I cannot stress how much I loathe this entire look. First and foremost, the bangs. Taylor attaches a specific hairstyle to each album era and commits to it until she releases her next one. I am NOT pleased with the folklore hair. Curly-haired people should never under any circumstance have bangs. Whimsical, frizzy bangs aside, let’s talk this glam turtleneck on top, Jack Hanna on bottom outfit. These are high-waisted khaki pants. It’s cut off in the photo, but they are also tapered at the ankle. I’m honestly surprised they are not also cargo pants. This was Taylor’s big comeback to the ACM’s after 7 years and I’m just wondering why this was the outfit choice.
I met Tenille last year and she is the most pure person I’ve ever met that’s in show biz. She has this delicate voice and the first thing she said in her performance last night was “I’m so humbled.” She’s too good for Hollywood and I just want to put her right in my pocket and keep her safe. None of this has anything to do with her outfit but you know I like to relate everything back to me and my personal stories. She’s rocking this gold jumpsuit and her hair looks amazing. I bet she smells like pine needles and her face is like sunshine.
TR just spent a significant amount of time with his family in Montana and it shows. Much like Luke Bryan, I think he came back from his mountain vacation and just rolled right up to the “red carpet.” He looks like a fall snack.
Cool guy Eric Church couldn’t even spring for a non-disposable mask. Also, notably the only person who incorporated a mask into his lewk. He still looks pretty badass.
Now’s the fun part where I just jack somewhat ratchet performance photos off the world wide web for more content:
Carrie looked great even though she covered up her stems. Once she sees that Kelsea is coming in hot for her title as Country’s hottest legs, she’ll probably think twice about wearing an ankle-length gown at another awards show.
Gabby is preggers and still committed to these tight as shit hot pants. Whatta babe. I loved the sparkle cape and shiny leathers.
Ugh. Gwen and Blake are still parading their love around via sappy duets. We get it, you guys like each other. Could do with a little less white junderwear from Gwen here. If you’re going to perform on a stool, don’t wear a pair of cutoffs that are going to ride right up your hoo-ha, gurl.
Luke did an outfit change for his performance of One Margarita and this Jimmy Buffett vibe immediately made me smile. Nothing slaps like a Hawaiian shirt.
And finally, since I committed to not only watching this awards show, but also live tweeting it as if I have a following and anyone else was watching it, and on top of that writing this blog…I’m going to go ahead and give you some thoughts on the show as well, in no particular order.
When will Keith get a new haircut?
I mean honestly. I know I already came down hard on Taylor’s hair and I may have used all allotted unsolicited hair commentary for the week with that but COME ONNNNNNN. Keith Urban has rocked the same Karen hairstyle since he hit the scene in the 90’s and I’ve finally reached my breaking point. Probably because it was also greasy as hell for this awards show. We need a little spice. Make 2020 your bitch and debut a new ‘do Keith. I DOUBLE DOG DARE YOU.
Not being live STINKS.
The crickets in the crowd sucks but the fact that these are all just pre-taped performances makes it even worse. The whole excitement of an awards show is the possibility of someone messing up or having spinach in their teeth (lookin at you Nick Jonas) and having perfect pre-taped segments is BooooOOOoooOOOring as hell. It’s like going to a Metallica drive-in concert, paying over $100 a car and then just watching a pre-taped movie of Metallica jamming. GIVE ME SOME LIVE CHAOS AGAIN. PLLLEEEEEASSEEEEE.Keith “talked” to Miranda at the Bluebird Cafe and it was like a bad newscast. The delays. The cringiness. Ugh. It was rough. Also important to note that the VMA’s was ALL about showing backstage masked celebrities and crew to really jam down our throats that they’re being “safe”–you know after they flew a bunch of people from California to New York and because they were celebrities they didn’t have to follow Cuomo’s two week quarantine rule. But what was interesting about these awards is that they take place in Nashville and I didn’t really see any masks. The most dramats BTS shot I saw was Darius Rucker pulling a mic out of a ziploc bag during a commercial break. No Corona here! We take the thing that goes near your mouth from a snack baggie so it’s REAL SAFE.
Spoiler Alert: TWO Entertainers of the Year.
This killed me. The last award of the night is Entertainer of the Year. Keith opens it up and is like OH I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS. WE’VE GOT A TIE! How? No clue how these awards are given out but there’s literally no way you can do a tie. An award means nothing if someone else won it too. If there was meant to be more than one Entertainer of the Year there wouldn’t be a medal for it. Congrats to Carrie Underwood and Thomas Rhett for getting participation trophies. And the dog and pony show that all put forward to be like WHAT IS HAPPENING?! Was this supposed to be a fun twist ending to a crappy pre-taped awards show because I’m not buying it. Obviously the Entertainer of the Year is Thomas Rhett and it isn’t even a question. Did Carrie even tour this year? Then Carrie accepting and being like GOTTA LOVE 2020, LOLZ! My eyes rolled out of my G-D head and directly out the door. No, seriously. I don’t even have eyes anymore. I’m using talk to type to write this right now because I’m certified blind because of a TERRIBLE joke that Carrie Underwood made. STOP BLAMING THE YEAR FOR EVERYTHING STUPID. I HAAAAAAATE when people do this. Just like when a celebrity dies and everyone is like THIS YEAR IS A CURSE. It’s especially weird because she’s basically throwing shade at a nice thing. She won an award and just happens to have to share it. And she’s like UGH 2020! #SoreWinner Does this year suck? 900000000%. Does that mean that everything that happens can be replied to with, “2020, man?” No. No it does not. Stop doing this. Yesterday I made soup for lunch because my bones were cold and I’m a 900 year old lady (remember I have grey hair now) wrapped in a fleece blanket like a shawl. I undercooked the noodles so it was basically like gnawing on shards of glass and then I didn’t leave it on long enough with the broth because I’m impatient and fat so it was also cold. Then when I put it back on to heat it up so it was edible, I dropped the spoon on the floor and got broth everywhere. During NONE of this debacle did I BLAME THE FREAKING YEAR. I rest my case.
My Fave Performances
They’re not so free with the posting performances after the fact (so I’ve only included one) but my favorites were Old Dominion, Thomas Rhett, Luke Bryan, Keith Urban & Pink, Eric Church and of course Taylor Swift. Although an uncensored Taylor Swift would’ve slapped so much harder. Thomas Rhett and John Pardi did coordinated twirls with their guitars that were bootscootin boogie wholesome and adorable. Eric Church started his performance with a voiceover from Johnny Cash about the American flag and it was badass as hell. I felt like an outlaw just watching it. Then my parent’s TV froze because their internet stinks. GOD. WTF 2020.
MY TWEETS:
Curveball to kick off the #ACMawards with Rain is a Good Thing.
Also it took me less than 10 mins into the #ACMawards to bitch about how much The Bluebird Cafe sucked because I got yelled at for breathing too loud there once. CONCERTS ARE NOT MEANT TO BE SILENT. #stillbitter#thiswasfouryearsago
Shout out to @nikkgian for pointing out that "coolers" sounds like "cooters" in I Wish Grandpas Never Died guaranteeing that I get a case of the giggles every time I hear it. #ACMawards#RileyGreen#CantUnhearIt
I love how the COVID-era award show commercial break scenes are going hard in the paint to show how safe they're being. Did we need to see Darius Rucker pull a microphone out of a ziploc bag from a masked lady? Probz not. But here we are.
I love #Betty but but I really wish she could deliver the shit out of "would you tell me to go fuck myself". Would you tell me to go straight to hell just doesn't hit quite as hard. Network TV ruins everything. #ACMawards
And thus concludes me live tweeting an awards show that absolutely no one else was watching to my 10 followers. When I commit to something, I really do it.
Megan Fox was seen gallivanting around with Machine Gun Kelly recently so rumors started swirling about her and Brian Austin Green getting a divorce. Brian then used his podcast to announce that they’ve been separated for months and it’s all good. They want to Hollywood new-age co-parent and do vacays together and shit and they love each other but Megan Fox just realized when she was in another country filming a movie (coincidentally with Machine Gun Kelly) that she just liked being a single gal without kids and living it up so that doesn’t really mean GREAT things for their marriage, obviously. Since then, she has basically confirmed that she’s boning MGK (how do skinny wieners like Machine Gun Kelly and Pete Davidson consistently pull in hot older woman ass? A burning question that may never be answered) via the new music video he dropped this week. As much as I want to hate this song, it grows on you. And now I think it kinda slaps. Does this make me an MGK fan?
If you want my personal opinion–that’s why you’re here, right?–Megan Fox is overrated as hell, stinks as an actress because all she ever does is play the hot girl with basically no inflection or personality and Brian Austin Green deserves to find a forever Donna to his David. And that’s the tea.
If you watch the above videos, you’ll see that some little kid gave his neighborhood FedEx driver a skateboard and told him to get it to Tony Hawk. Natch, all it took was the FedEx driver’s TikTok to go viral and Tony Hawk replied with a shoutout to the kid as well as one of his skateboards. I don’t often post adorable things that celebrities do because I’m so busy ridiculing them for being idiots and/or rubbing their fame and fortune in our faces or in the case of Taylor Swift, begging her to notice me and sweep me up in her BFF entourage. Regardless, this was a real win for Tony Hawk and for TikTok, which gets a bad rep for all the underage hoochies dancin on it. I also really posted this story so that I could share what I just discovered this week–which is that Tony Hawk uses his Twitter primarily to tell stories about people who don’t have a clue who he is and that is very entertaining to me. So not only is Tony Hawk a real stand-up gent, he’s also got a great sense of humor and obviously shreds gnar ollies. (Did I do that right, Mr. Hawk?)
It may come as no shock, but Very Cavallari has been cancelled along with Kristin’s marriage. Did E! Executives say: we don’t want a reality show without that sarcastic sassy hubs of yours? Maybe. Or maybe Kristin realized letting a reality show back into her life wouldn’t fit the narrative of all the mud she’s been slinging about Jay to the press. Either way, the world will have to live without a show that highlights a girl named Brittainy (because of course it’s spelled that way) prancing all over Nashville with maximum cleavage at all times. She will be missed. Unfortunately this also leaves the door wide open for Kristin to sashay back onto the Hills because she now fits the bill perfectly for that reboot of washed up moms who still want to act like they’re 23 at Les Deux. Playboy Spence is campaigning HARD to get her back on The Hills and I’m just not sure if I’m mentally or emotionally prepared for that. Don’t get me wrong, if it happens, I’ll watch, but I won’t enjoy it.
Also, since we can’t go a few days without an update on their divorce proceedings (or questioning if Kristin gave herself a mother’s day tribute from Jay’s instagram…gotta respect the hustle) I also made a note in my phone to mention that they’re basically giving their house in Nashville away. They bought it for 7.9 million, they’re selling it for 5 million. YOOIIIIIKES. That’s gotta hurt.
4. Stop Declaring the Song of the Summer in May.
As 1/2 of the famous duo that CURATED the soundtrack to the summer for 10 straight years also known as Summer Palooza, I can confidently say that if you declare a song the SONG OF THE SUMMER in May, you’ll regret it by end of June. I know this, because I too have fallen prey to this trap. The ONLY exception to this rule was the year JT dropped Can’t Stop the Feeling. It was a diamond in the rough considering it was made for a Trolls movie, but that was the SINGULAR scenario where I excitedly trumped it the song of the summer and it was INDEED the SONG OF THE SUMMER. So anyway, I now present to you, songs that were released this week(ish) that are most certainly not THE SONG OF THE SUMMER. If you beg and plead hard enough, maybe Nikki and I will bring Summer Palooza out of retirement if only to give you bitches a lesson in what qualifies as a three-month long seasonal slap.
Remember the Youtube show that John Krasinski made during this pandemic that has everyone buzzing every week? I’ve blogged about it strictly for Office cast reunions, but basically John Krasinski the handsome devil that he is, created this show out of the goodness of his heart to spotlight good news and also kick it with his celebrity friends and give us all a taste of an Office reunion and probably keep him busy during quarantine. The entertainment industry is so RABID for new ideas because they recycle the same old shit constantly, that after John’s 8 episode run was over there was a legitimate bidding war for the IP of the show. John sold out and now Some Good News will be on CBS…without him. WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT?! Like way to take a good, wholesome original thing and turn it corporate ya money-hungry grubbers. I’m not even mad at John because he created the idea and he deserves the payout…but man, Hollywood ruins everything. (I’ll retract that statement the day they offer me even a penny for my work. BUT UNTIL THEN I WON’T BITE MY TONGUE.)
BONUS: This is a very weird wormhole that I went down, but everyone was really jazzed about the below clip where Sarah Ramos (of Parenthood fame) and Dylan O’Brien (of Teen Wolf reboot fame) redid a scene from the Social Network.
And that’s cool and all, they obviously did a good job and you can watch the original scene at the end for reference if like me, you haven’t seen the social network in a solid 5 years. But what really entertained me for the rest of the night, was going into a deep dive on Sarah Ramos’ instagram. Girl has been just regularly recreating obscure movie and TV scenes on her own and they are GREAT. Shout out to her for just doing the damn thing. I’ve included my favorites (all pre-teen classics) but you can refer to her Instagram page for a real variety of content. Her ability to match Hilary Duff’s voice really sold me. Shouting out an incredibly cringeworthy Heidi/LC fallout scene from the Hills was just the cherry on top.
And in the spirit of sharing videos of one single person filming themselves and getting way too into it, here are my TikToks from this week. If you don’t follow me on TikTok yet, you’re obviously missing out on some of my best content. I can’t allow that to happen, which is why I will continue to blast it out on my blog and also text 5-10 people the video every time I make one. Someone I like telling me I’m funny counts 10x more than a stranger on TikTok liking my video, although I will happily accept both. I’m just doing the Lord’s work here really, blessing y’all with selfie videos you never knew you wanted or needed.
Losing Kobe Bryant and his young daughter along with the other passengers on that helicopter was incredibly heartbreaking and tragic in itself. Then to have to pull off a huge awards show (and 9 hours of a red carpet…I’m looking at you, E) in the same place he played in all of those years on the same day he died where fans were congregating in honor of his memory made it a whole lot worse. Who the hell cares about Hollywood bullshit and awards shows when something that horrific happens? Thankfully, it was the Grammys…out of all the awards shows it could’ve been, I’m glad it was the Grammys. We didn’t have to hear comedians try to joke about it and make it more awkward and we didn’t have to hear actors try to talk about it in acceptance speeches that they’re also trying to make political statements within. Instead, we got the awards show that is 99% music. And out of everything that it could’ve been, hearing singers and musicians share their talents and their emotions through music actually had a chance to bring people together. Alicia Keys was the perfect host to make it all happen because she’s genuine and also has the voice of an angel. The opening tribute was perfect and gave me chills. There was nothing tryhard about it.
Lizzo opened by blowing the roof off with “Cuz I Love You”, Camila sang a VERY dusty tribute to her father, Billie didn’t scare my face off with fire and rolling eyes but instead went for a soulful rendition of “When the Party’s Over”, Demi performed for the first time since she overdosed with an emotional powerhouse song about how she was feeling before it happened. Basically, the ladies of music showed UP and made me cry a lot. Lotta tears, lotta girl power. But at the end of the day, even though it’s stupid and meaningless and life is short, I’m still gonna throw up my very uneducated opinions about the red carpet and how I thought everyone looked. Even though most people skipped the red carpet and it wasn’t really a priority, I enjoy fashion and awards shows and I’m gonna keep barfing my opinions into the void. You can decide if you want to read them or not because that’s the JOY OF THE INTERNET. Ok. I’ve had too much wine and meats. I’m done. Bye bye.
WORST
Maybe I’m just too old and this is how the youths dress these days but I cannot get on board with Billie’s punk rock alien jammies aesthetic. Like, does she go to the salon and say, just glop out some lime green on top of my head. Yeah, just the top.
Tonight’s lampshade edition. Or Featherduster from Beauty and the Beast. Take your pick, really.
Speaking of Home Depot, can we interest you in some paint samples of Pantone’s color of the year? Pick a shade and get those paintbrushes ready!
Can appreciate a good leg moment but this dress is not a home run for me.
This is the hardest I’ve ever seen Priyanka miss on a red carpet. She doesn’t strike me as a nipples out, belly button ring shimmering while her back tassles blow in the breeze kinda gal but here we are. If I could separate Nick out and put him on the best dressed I would because I love the gold shimmer.
Sry BB, never thought I’d say this but it’s just too much teal for me. Also him and Gwen Stefani must’ve talked lampshade chic because the hat turns into one.
Once again a sordid tale of one half of the photo being brought down by the other half. Chris’s daughter is CRUSHING her fur separates, Chris looks like a giant Easter bunny.
Again, JoBro on POINT and J sister just not doing it for me. I come across as a real Sophie h8er on my red carpets lately but please know that’s only because I genuinely dislike everything that she chooses to wear.
Nope. What is with the extra long one-sider? I will never understand this.
Great color but I’ve been very outspoken about my hate for the ruffle life.
Oh great, another thing I’ve been megaphoning my hate for this awards szn, CHUNKS OF HAIR HANGING IN THE FACE. YOU WANNA BRING THE 90’S BACK? TOSS ON A PAIR OF OVERALLS OR A SCRUNCHIE. THAT’S IT. THAT’S WHERE IT ENDS.
Oh ok, Princess of Darkness. The black cloak and hard bangz made this a little too Morticia Addams for my liking.
Honestly I had this on my best dressed list but then looked at it again and it was just too clown-like for me to let it slide. I hate to do it because I stan a spicy jacket but there were a lot of men who showed up and didn’t have circus vibez.
I’m so perplexed by this. What’s the point of wearing a white romper if you’re just going to toss a black curtain over JUST ONE SIDE OF IT? Even more pressing…going to the bathroom in a romper is a disaster in itself, toss in a halfsie cape and we’re really creating a dumpster fire potty situation here. T’s and P’s for her bladder, hopefully she’s forward thinking and strapped on a diap. with all the drinking that I’m sure occurs on music’s biggest night.
BEST
I have straight heart eyes for this seafoam joint right here.
I gotta respect a mean mug in a hot pink cowboy crop.
Grammy gents really came through with jazzy jackets.
So effortlessly coordinated, a bold color and a print. Nicely done, boyz.
Simple and stunning on Maggie, she even found herself a designer purse to hold her aluminum water bottle. Stay hydrated for that glow, y’all! (Also, I wish my curly hair ever looked this shiny and glossy and perfect.)
Lizzo arriving to her wedding, preparing to kick off the night with a little wailing and a little flute playing.
Leopard AND Leatha? I bow down.
Young Jonai, look up to the eldest for this one. They nailed it.
In a world where you’re not flashy enough unless your nips or vag are out on the red carpet, I can extra appreciate the girls who are risky without putting all the goods on display. I don’t know what this mesh-like turtleneck is made of, but I love the allure of check out my boobs without knocking us in the face with them. Literally.
OH BABY HOT PINK
Ask my roomie, I literally laughed out loud at this outfit and said that because of it causing me to burst out laughing, I approved. It’s just so ridiculous. I mean he has a baby pink piece of luggage. COME ON. When asked about his look, he said I travel a lot and I appreciate bellmen so I wanted to dress as one. That’s hilarious. Stupid? Yes. But stupidly hilarious. Didn’t make up for his performance that I was actually frightened during. Guess I’m too old for that.
Lady suit. STAND UP.
I mean this is a gorgeous dress and she looks great but my eye was immediately drawn to that flawless cat eye if we’re being completely honest.
Shania with the Ariana pony and the sassy romper, yaaass gurl.
Babe soda to the maxx.
All these magentas and maroons on the men tonight….woooooo buddy, I love it.
It’s Mr. Steal Yo Gurl going for a more casual look with tousled hair and losing the nerdbomber finger gunz. Too busy holding his designer shades casually by his side. What a style ‘tude he’s forming.
Oh Ursher, baby. Little glitz, little velour hoodie and slippers. He also changed into some leathers for his Prince tribute during the show and hot damn did he werk those bad boys.
This guy is named Shaun Ross. I have no idea who he is but I was in awe of this head to toe pearl situation. Literally gazed at it. That’s WAY more impressive than Nick and Joe wearing a pearl necklace and leaving Kevin out ONCE AGAIN.
BEST LOOK(S) OF THE NIGHT:
I mean she kinda cheated because she wore two looks for the red carpet but they were both gorgeous and she definitely outshined everyone else with these moments. The ultimate princess gowns with that holier than thou sassy high pony. May not be practical to sit in but those are both statement gowns and if I was ever lucky enough to walk a red carpet I’d be going balls to the wall like this.
I feel like I haven’t done this in a while and I’m trying to jazz up The Salty again, so I’ve taken my precious time and dedicated it to watching all of the new shows (so far) this Fall season. There’s a chill in the air, I’m finally not working on Saturdays and Sundays and I’ve glued my bhole to the couch to watch some new TV all weekend long. It’s all for you. So that you don’t have to be bothered watching a show that is TERRIBLE (all sitcoms) and you can just focus on getting into the good good. Keep reading for my educated takes based on a single thirty or sixty minute episode.
SKIP:
Single Parents, ABC, Wednesdays 9:30p EST
I should’ve known this was gonna be a no right from the start because of how many kids are in this cast photo but wishful thinking I was like well it’s the creator of New Girl and maybe they’ll just focus on the adult story lines. NOPE. The premise here is that Will (Taran Killam) is the nerd dad who tries too hard and embarrasses his daughter and pretty much everyone around him. The other parents try to help him get laid and make him cooler but there is a LOT of Moana singing and overacting and because it’s 2018 the black kid is gay and loves dancing and fashion. PROGRESSIVE. In summary, this show sucks and not even Brad Garrett could save it, which I had high hopes for.
I Feel Bad, NBC, Thursdays 9:30p EST
This one’s Amy Poehler produced (there’s always something to draw you in) and it screams FEMINIST TV. Nothing wrong with that. If it was funny I’d be down. The idea is that moms/women in general have guilt and feel bad about every single thing in life and how to ignore that and be a baller, basically. Embrace the chaos. Emet is raising three kids, working in video games as like the only woman and trying not to turn into her mom. Story lines were decent, but the jokes just weren’t all there. A main feature of the pilot was her daughter quitting quiz show to join the dance team and today’s youths being a buncha booty-shakin hoes has never been more prevalent. WHATEVER HAPPENED TO TUTUS?! WHEN I WAS THAT AGE I DANCED TO THE SONG LOLLIPOP STRAIGHT OUTTA 1948 WITH A BONNET PINNED TO MY HEAD.
And this is the future here, folks:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. Also, props to the only line in the pilot that made me laugh out loud, “Our daughter’s milkshakes brought all the boys to the yard. Literally.”
The Cool Kids, Fox, Fridays 830p EST
Friday show, kiss of death, AMIRITE?! This was supposed to be hyped because it’s got a huge comedian/variety show cast from like 1965 or something. Basically it takes place in an old folks home and the boys don’t want to let a girl into the club after their friend kicks the bucket. Not JUST a girl. A ginger. Just kidding her hair color has nothing to do with it but it might’ve spiced things up a bit. The best character on this show BY FAR was Leslie Jordan because he’s adorable and I want to put him in my pocket. Old people might enjoy this one but I’m out. My boyf found it hysterical, so apparently I’m dating a senior citizen.
The Neighborhood, Fox, Mondays 8p EST
Everything you need to know about this show, you can summarize from this over the top cast photo. From “HOOD” being a different color and on a separate line to ONLY showing the black family and not the white family it’s ALSO about, this show is racist AF. And not in a “white people can’t say it’s racist way.” The entire 28 minutes spanned a group of horrendous over-actors just calling each other racist every few minutes. QUALITY TV, FOLKS. What you can’t see in this photo is that 2 Broke Girls Beth Behrs and New Girl Max Greenfield are the other leads. They’re a white toast couple who move with their son Grover to the neighborHOOD, where it’s AOK to wear an orange velour jumpsuit, apparently. And this cat is mad at THEM. Essentially it’s a show trying to be funny about the fact that the climate right now is not NOT racist. Keep trying.
WATCH:
Happy Together, Fox, Mondays 830p EST
According to my actual notes, on paper, because I’m a scholar…this show was the “best of this shit crop of sitcoms.” And you can take that to the bank. A show that was actually likable and I laughed out loud for more than five jokes!!! WE HAVE A WINNER! I mean, can you really go wrong with the Wayans, though? D.Way Jr. killed it in both New Girl and Happy Endings and most importantly, he doesn’t feel the need to shout his lines like 90% of these sitcom stars are doing. If it’s louder, it doesn’t mean it’s funnier. Just A TIP. Also fun fact about me, because why not, every time the Wayans are brought up in any capacity, I feel compelled to google their family tree because there’s roughly 600 of them and it’s very fascinating to me. Like HOW is Damon a JUNIOR to the guy from My Wife and Kids? It’s incredible. Anyway, you’re welcome for sending you down that rabbit hole. The boyf and I wondered aloud why they haven’t just created a show based on their family yet. Don’t steal that idea. It’s ours. Anyway, Jake and Claire are a boring ass married couple who spend Saturday nights recording song voicemails until a celebrity Jake reps decides to come live with them to get out of the spotlight. Trying to make this guy like Harry Styles was borderline offensive. Like honestly, not even close. Either way, it’s funny and cute and I’d watch again.
A Million Little Things, ABC, Wednesdays 9p EST
Lotta hype with this one about being as twisty as This is Us and also just as emosh. What I didn’t prepare for is the fact that I cannot for the life of me remember the correct name of this. First I was calling it A Million Little Pieces because that’s a book. Then I moved onto A Million Little Reasons because they said that at one point in the pilot. Gawd, I can’t keep it straight. I’ll keep working on it though because I thought it was good and I’m sucked in. I was so absorbed that the only note I wrote was, “Sick opening sequence with a baller cover of All These Things That I’ve Done by the Killers.” So there ya go.
The show is about a gang of bros who met in an elevator, bonded real hard and then became besties/Bruins season ticket holders. Spoiler alert: one of them commits suicide and the first epi was borderline depressing but I have hope for this show to follow the friends in the aftermath as they value life a little more and also of COURSE there’s juicy secrets, which I’m all IN ON.
Manifest, NBC, Mondays 10p EST
Didn’t really expect to like this show once I heard the premise but it was RIVETING, tbh. A family coming back from vacation in 2013 split between two flights and that second flight had turbulence through the MF’ing roof (like honestly how was everyone so calm afterward) and then when it landed everyone was like your flight disappeared 5 years ago how ya’ll still alive? The crew on the flight was like uhhh we had turbulence and dass itt. They haven’t aged a day and everyone else on land is 5 years older. FREAKY. Then the people from the flight start hearing shit and now it’s ON. There’s so many mysteries and so little time. I’m going to be real with you and tell you that I’ve always been creeped out by whispering voices in TV or Movies, like even “if you build it, he will come” creeped me out and that was supposed to be a feel good family flick, but I’m going to stick with this one for a little longer because I think there’s more to the story than mind whispers that one hundo percent will give me night terrors. Plus, I don’t know who this actress is but she’s a babe soda and I’m on her team.
Dirty John, Bravo, TBD Date & Time
Since this hasn’t premiered yet, technically I can’t recommend it. But let’s be real here, it’s Connie Britton. Also, I did listen to the podcast it’s based on and I CAN recommend that. It’s basically a crime series about a creepy ass sociopath guy who dates a bunch of women and turns out to be a real psycho. Can’t wait for this to premiere so I can be equal parts drooling over Connie and her hair coming back to my TV screen and terrified to shower alone. Don’t @ me if this sucks and I said you should watch it.
I gotta be straight up with you. I have a very hard time watching any music awards show that doesn’t feature the big three. Not the Pearson triplets, JT, Bey & Tay of course. Even Ed made the Grammy cutoff and got snubbed REAL hard with no big noms. That’s not the kind of world I want to live in and it was a struggle for me to get excited about this year’s show, which obviously didn’t live up to the hype. Besides Blue calming her parents down, it was a can miss event. Unfortunately same goes for the red carpet. Time to start prepping for the real showdown, Man of the Woods vs Reputation…2019.
WORST
Stop it right now, Giuliana. Act your age.
Coincidence grouped these two stringy looks together. It ain’t doing it for me.
Mustard AND velvet. TWO thumbs down.
Clearly Jenny McCarthy was feeling irrelevant and thought a blue wig, early 2000’s rose-tinted bedazzled shades and black sheer gloves would solve that problem.
what.
Camila looks like she’s going to prom and this is only 60% of me being bitter about a singer who made a song with sounds that rhyme with Havana.
I had these exact pants when I was in 8th grade and wore them on Easter with black flats and a baby blue shrug cardigan (with a mouth full of braces) so no I will not support this look at the Grammy’s, no matter how much you try to sex it up, Anna.
Why are purple shiny boots ever necessary?
Kesha’s hair looks great but this western unisex look she’s been workshopping the past few years is killing me.
Woof city: population Joey.
I commend Chrissy for being this pregnant and still wearing heels like that. My balloon ass feet would not look good in those and I’m not carrying another human. The dress sucks though. Saarrryyy.
What was the inspo behind this outfit? 1980’s news reporter gone bad gurl?
HEIDI WE GET IT. YOU ARE A MODEL WITH A SLAMMIN BOD. WEAR SOMETHING OTHER THAN LINGERIE ON THE RED CARPET.
I love Pink and her daughter and I feel personally victimized by this dress choice.
Same name or not I can’t get behind someone with crystal butterflies adorning their gown.
The Cardi B tooth fairy in the building.
BEST
This is the most flattering dress I’ve ever seen and I want it. Talk about an hourglass fig!
Ryan throwing some mad hipster vibes.
Always love when Gaga goes class act instead of shock value.
This year’s host looking like a dapper Dan.
I’m never not going to gush over Lauren and Thomas is wearing fur loafers sooo he wins.
I don’t love or hate this dress but it was really a struggle here for rounding up a best dressed list.
Let’s politely ignore the fact that Ashanti’s nipples are loudly on display and just admire the golden beauty of this princess dress.
Nick clearly left his dinner date in Hell’s Kitchen to roll over to the Grammy’s but I don’t even hate it because he looks fine as hell.
I don’t really know what’s going on with this neck shoulder thing but Miley redeemed herself with a lovely pink gown for her performance as she further proves my theory that she’s back to dressing classy ever since Liam da Gawd took her trash ass back.
I respect this F it outfit for someone whose a brand new artist at the Grammys. Oh I’m nominated for my first grammy? Watch me wear sneaks and a white tee to go snag it.
I used to do a recap for every awards show ever…in fact I think I had to physically stop myself from watching and recapping the Kids Choice Awards. That was where I drew the line, apparently. It was a very fine line. I recapped funny things that happened, or I would critique how the host did UNTIL Trump was elected and Hollywood decided that every awards show should be their personal political platform. It’s cool guys, you have your opinions and you want to share them when everyone is watching, it’s whatever. The problem HOWEVER is that for someone who doesn’t follow politics (this guy) awards shows have officially become over my head. Their jokes, their jabs, the over-exaggerated bits–everything flies over this dum dum dome, and therefore HOW CAN I RECAP A SHOW I DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND?! So to my true hardcore fans–I apologize for the lack of content. I genuinely don’t think awards shows are funny anymore because I’m not in on the joke. That being said, I’ve picked 5 things about the Emmys that WERE entertaining, JIC you also tuned out after the first five minutes of a song saturated by political commentary.
1. The Only Trump Joke I Laughed At. Obviously every late night host has perfected their Trump impression and Stephen Colbert hosting was a precursor to a whole lot of political nuances that I was prepared to zone out for. But then he read this tweet:
And panned to Seth spitting up marbles. I actually burst out laughing. It’s the simple things that get me, really. What a great bit. Colin Jost’s casj straight face really hits it home.
I’ve never seen a more overdramatic over-reactor since Taylor Swift owned the audience cam at every awards show ever. Anna puts asses in the seats when it comes to facial expressions. Half the time I didn’t even know something was supposed to create emotions until I looked to her face for guidance. She was shocked, she sobbed for no reason during an acceptance speech & she pulled a full range of weird faces while onstage during Veep’s acceptance, just trying to find the right one. Do 1000% less, Anna.
Kidman went 90, Skarsgard went 10. Also double hands on the hips. RIGHT in front of her husband. Nothing you can do to stop Skarsgard. NADA! pic.twitter.com/LmOWG86gDV
I missed this happening live and was so happy that it was on twitter within minutes. God Bless Twitter. HOW can you possibly kiss your co-star like that right in Keith’s grill piece? That’s some cold shit, Kidman. Like I get that you guys had a real, shall we say, intimate acting experience together–but like NOT a good look to make out on live TV. If I were Keith I would’ve popped him right smack in the middle of that stupid ‘stache he’s rocking. My friend and I sat there with baited breath through Nicole’s acceptance speech to see if she would even thank Keith because obviously we were convinced just from that kiss that she’s having an affair. Cheating is bad but like maybe Nicole sleeping with her costar is what Keith needs to clean up that hairstyle that he’s had since 1997. It’s such a horrific mom cut and it does not belong on his head. Just saying. This could be beneficial for all. BTW she did gush over her hubs and called him “my Keith” so I guess she wins back points for that. BUT I HAVE MY EYE ON THE SITUATION.
3b. Nicole hates Reese.
Big Little Lies was my draw to the Emmys this year. Each year I watch one thing that’s worthy of awards and BLL was my golden ticket this time around. So I was extra interested every time they were on screen, especially because they made such a giant deal about all being women and how GROUNDBREAKING it is that women are lead roles in Hollywood, which I feel like has been going on for some time, but whatevs. I knew that they all couldn’t be besties like they kept blabbing on about so I waited for the weak moment and I didn’t really need to search hard for it. Nicole was up against Reese for lead actress in a mini-series and when she won, she kissed that husband of hers (at least it wasn’t Alex this time) and bolted up to the stage at lightning speed. Reese was sitting DIRECTLY BEHIND HER. All it would’ve taken was a quarter turn and fake butt-out hug but she didn’t even give her that. BURN CITY, Population: Reese Witherspoon. Then she starts her speech with “Reese, I share this with you.” Do you though? And then proceeded to have a 15 minute speech that the DJ didn’t DARE play off. Suddenly Nicole Kidman is a power player? What is going on here.
I may be biased because Sterling K Brown delivered my favorite speech from last year’s Emmys but I also feel like he deserves a shout out because they played him off the minute he opened his mouth last night–yet let Nicole Kidman talk for an hour and a half. AND THAT AIN’T RIGHT. Before they literally cut the camera away because he kept talking over the music (KEEP PLAYING, BITCHES) he thanked his This is Us family “You are the best white TV family that a brother has ever had.” That just warms my heart. THEY’RE A REAL FAMILY, YOU GUYS.
5. Oprah.
I don’t know if I just haven’t been paying attention lately now that Oprah is off TV, just living somewhere soaking in her riches from the OWN network, but girl has dropped an ENTIRE PERSON in weight. She’s got some sassy dark frames and she looked like a real babe soda last night. CBS knew it too. They plopped her front row center so that everyone had no choice but to admire the O. Even John Oliver thanked her in his speech because “she’s sitting right in front of me and it seems inappropriate not to.” Everyone bow down to Skinny Ope. PS White is NOT slimming so it’s even ballsier for her to wear that whoutfit and still look SAP.
Kickoff to AWARDS SEASONnNnNNn!!!!! Let’s do this, BITCHES. I’m sorry. I’m just so jazzed and ready to judge.
WORST
We caught you ANNA, trying to sneak past the paps so you don’t have to talk about your divorce. Unfortunately this applique jewel toned dress does not allow you to hide.
The sleeves. And the cutouts. And the dress made of old aluminum can tabs. I’m not sure which detail I hate more.
This dress would’ve been fine if they didn’t tack on a foot of black feathers to the end.
ERW’s commitment to wearing a suit to every red carpet is getting to be a bit much at this point. Take this tuxedo look for example, she’s wearing literally 3 jackets on top, all different lengths. As my friend Kat pointed out, from the back she looks like a beetle. Not great.
LOVE my girl Reese, and obviously she looks good in whatever she wears but like come on. It’s the Emmy’s, not a women in business luncheon. Pick a different look.
This shade of yellow is making my eyes bleed out.
I don’t know if I expect Stanley Tucci to be fashionable AF just because of the Devil Wears Prada but he really disappointed me with these baggy ass pants that clearly weren’t tailored to his height. Get it togets, Tooch.
Sleeve/feather combo. ENOUGH.
I’m honestly surprised she didn’t just roll up in her jorts with her anus hanging out but having one scrap of fabric cover your bits is no better.
Girl’s gotta learn that trying to dress young when your face is literally melting off of your head just makes ya look worse. Hot pink with a sassy pony extension is not for everyone.
These tig ole bitties are seconds away from dumping out onto the red carpet.
I’m naush just looking at this.
Nothing will ever beat my reaction watching Debra walk away from an interview on the red carpet and discovering that it looked like an actual table was sewn into the bottom of her dress. WHAT kind of style is that?! Also, shiny burgundy latex. Guess it would be easy peasy cleanup if someone ralphed on her dress.
This is a child’s dress and I will fight anyone who says otherwise.
No clue who this is I just wanted to point out that sewing pashminas together is now considered a red carpet look.
Congrats, Julie you look like a fish.
I have no words because everything about this dress is bad.
I feeeeeellll liiiiiike maybe the top of this dress was measured wrong and that her boobs don’t have a home here. Also why does Kristin get to walk the red carpet and LC doesn’t? Jus sayin.
Is Toby secretly a Las Vegas magician?
This takes mermaid bottom to a whole ‘notha level.
I’m sorry, are these SHOULDER PADS?
Sofia is wearing the same dress she always wears except she decided to toss bangs and a pony into the mix and it was the wrong decision.
ANKLE PANTS.
This KILLS me. Because I literally gasped as I saw Mandy’s face and the top of the dress and was already predicting she would be my favorite look of the night. Then I scrolled down. And was so, so disappointed. Homegurl, why you going for the Shamu tutu? If the top layer of black tulle went straight down this would be BOMB.
BEST
These two look fabulous togets.
This is on here because I was genuinely shocked to see Peyton Sawyer on a red carpet, looking babe and actually smiling. You go, girl. (ALSO SHE’S PREGGERS?!)
JLD literally doesn’t age.
I rocked back and forth between hating this and loving this and finally settled on loving it. Does she look like a giant pinata? Kind of. But also I would want to wear this fun as shit dress and I bet it’s super comfy to pass out drunk in.
I rip real hard on Nicole Kidman but this looks good. Except for the pink mismatched heels. But I’LL LET IT GO.
I mean obviously.
I don’t know if I love the flyaways poking out of this dress but these two look pretty chic as a coups.
I know I shit on all the other feather bottoms, but like, this one is different. Because she looks stunning in this regardless of the texture.
BABE SODAS.
I’m beginning to realize that it’s either ankle biter pants or baggy ankles in men’s suits. There is no in between.
SLAY ALL DAY.
Her boobs are basically the perfect size for this scandal of a dress, thus making it endearing and not slutty.
That leg, grl.
I’m into all of it.
I feel like I’ve never seen Heidi wear a baggy dress and I needed this shake up. Obviously she still needed a slit up to her RB curtz to stay true to her roots but whatevs. ❤ Bohemian Heidi
This was the most feminine I’ve ever seen Kate look and she’s crushing it.
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Dunno this actress but I respect the hell out of a violet scandal like this.
Lea looks like a fall dream.
What a delicate flower.
G might be awkward as hell on the red carpet but this is a dress right here.
Take notes, gentlemen.
I was really digging on this powder blue for some reason.
This is how you do sparkle.
What a little Hugh Hef in training.
Was it a rule that if you’re under 10 you show up looking like a baller?
This is purely to drool over Justin Hartley in a suit.
You know I love when a girl looks age approps and cute! Cough cough, anyone but Ariel Winter.
Felicity showing up the older crowd on the red carpet who tried too hard to look young and ended up looking like they belonged in a Wax Museum.
James always looks spiffy.
Ugh, Milo. Swoon city.
Fall goals: a dress with literal leaves on it.
Pretty, pretty princess.
Even though Shai’s hair looks like a wig, this dress is killer.
Feelin that hunter green, clearly.
Love this color, could do without the awksies underboob cutout.
I wish JT were hanging off that arm, but putting jealousy aside Jessica looks bangin. Everything is werkin except her poof could’ve been taken down an inch or two. Fave look of the night.
Country hits Vegas AND we’re finally getting closer to country music season so I’m all in on it again. Here’s the best and the worst of bedazzled belts and aggress spray tans.
WORST
The boyf is determined to start dressing like the FGL jabroni on the left and I cannot hit it home any harder that these two are fashion disasters. There is never an event where it is approps to wear a literal denim tuxedo with a hat that ridiculous. I rest my case.
Father Sam Hunt?
Kewl bra.
Sweet butt bow.
WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE.
YIKES, Lady A. What’s with the 70’s theme?
Scotty. We meet again.
There’s something about the skintight khakis that’s really throwing me off my game here. It’s like khaki leggings. Kheggings?
Ok dude. Do less.
Never pegged Kellie to be boring AF on the red carpet. Spice it up girl, it’s Vegas. Go crazy!
Don’t go this crazy. My eyes are bleeding out of their sockets.
Blech.
I have no words for this floral ‘splosion.
BEST
Throwing Nicole and Keith a bone here because they usually look like garbage on top of garbage.
Red carpet look is kind of meh for Faith. Because she straight knocked me out during her duet. Seriously how is she that skinny? Also they both don’t age even for a second.
Baby Rhett’s going to be a stunner.
Favorite minty colors and dubz braid. Kelsea knows just what I like. I was all yaaassss…until she changed into a casj ice dancer for her performance. Yikes.
Shoutout to Jason, this jacket is trendy AF. Wifey belongs in a Vegas club and that is NOT a compliment.
BEWBS. No but seriously, Miranda looks good and gave Carrie a run for her money in the legs dept during her boring ass performance.
Luke can never look bad and that seems obvious.
No joke I actually got an undie slushee looking at this.
This color is springy and perf.
Classy AF.
Embroidery’s a little weird but the rest is F-U-N!
Cole “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” Swindell. Coordinated hat and suit game is flyyyy.
I guess this is a new thing that Carrie’s doing at awards show. She’s not about giving everyone a peep at her legs before the main event. Whatever, I respect it, I guess. Mostly because I literally drooled when she hit the stage in the first few minutes, legz blazin.
Damn, Reba can get it!
Best look of the night goes to Carrie’s legs and it ain’t no competition:
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The Salty Ju 