JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 8/12/19

1. Lover.

Typical Tay, dropping 15 singles off of her album before the album officially comes out and then there’s like one song we haven’t heard yet from it. Coming off of a moody “The Archer”, this is a bold move to release another deep, slow tune. And let’s not pussyfoot around this, it’s basically her proposing through a song. So obviously, the bitter love-hating bitch that I am, I immediately wanted to be like nope, not for me. But then she warmed my cold dead heart, as only mah gurl T can do, and I was a puddle by the end of it. Obviously the best lyrics are “my heart’s been borrowed and yours has been blue, all’s well that ends well to end up with you.” It ain’t even a competition. What a wordsmith she is. And I’ll save you the quick google search because all I did was look up the lyrics and I saw 9898239802 articles titled “All of the references to Joe Alwyn in Taylor Swift’s new song.” OH YOU DON’T SAY?! The song she wrote about loving someone forever is about the guy she’s been dating for 3 years?! GET OUT OF TOWN. Also if you really wanna go down a rabbit hole (which I always do), look up the lyrics on Lyrics Genius and see that Taylor is such a boss that pretty much every song she writes is tied in some way to another song she’s written. HOW DOES HER BRAIN WORK?! Anyway, enjoy loving love with this new song and cue the countdown to her and Joe’s engagement.

2. The Last Song.

Miley going toe to toe with Taylor this week, except her song is about her marriage falling apart. YOIKES. After I saw Miley twerking in Lake Como on Saturday captioning it “living her best life”, I was like hm something is fishy here–that is a cookie cutter I’M SINGLE NOW post. Then the statement was released that her and Liam are separated and even though I was out drinking at the time, I took it upon myself to scoop everyone in my contacts list on the news. Felt good. Not only because scooping others on celebrity gossip is a high like no other (even when they don’t care) but also because I’ve been V. vocal about the fact that Liam is too good for Miley and I hated them together. I did start to back off on my hate parade once she calmed down (maybe she heard Taylor’s song before it was released?) and then they got married. But obviously one can only mask their partying ways for so long. As she documented herself getting after it in George Clooney’s hometown, it came out that she was smooching it up with Kaitlynn, formerly Jenner but not really because they were never legally married. Stay with me here, folks.

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WHICH IS SUCH A LOOK AT ME MOVE. I will bet my left tit that these two were mixing up some vodka sodeys on this yacht and were like, wouldn’t it be hilarious if we made out and everyone would go WILD?! And then they did. And everyone did. Brody had some introspective post then said he and Liam Hemsworth would be holding hands on the beach, Miley clapped back with the anthem for sluts this summer: #hotgirlsummer and while all of this Hills drama was happening…I was meeting Audrina.

Probably bigger news than those two ratchets making out honestly and that’s why I couldn’t let it slip under the radar. We didn’t talk Justin Bobby and for that I will always be disappointed in myself, but I did get to witness her get on the mic and go “If you know the Hills, you know this song” in dumb Audrina speak and then bump Natasha Bedingfield’s “Unwritten” into a sea of white drunk people who don’t know the words to a song from 2007 that was best known for playing in the background of LC driving a convertible around LA. What a time to be alive.

3. Boy Meets Baby Robot.

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The original Boy came to meet our boy. ❤️

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First of all, lolz to the fact that this fuzzy Brillo head looks exactly the same. Second of all, don’t post pics of your kid if you don’t want anyone to see their face. That makes LITERALLY no sense to me and I can’t get past the robot emoji. I’m like ohhh cute pic DID YOU BIRTH A ROBOT?! It was shocking and not in a good way. So kinda took away the aw’s for me to be honest. But either way, you know that I’m true to all 90’s nostalgia and couldn’t let this one slide by, especially because I’ve just added a Boy Meets World graphic tee into my rotation and I’m pretty excited for its debut. Cory & Topanga 43v3r.

4. Megan Not-so-FOXy

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My boy David Silver went on KFC Radio this week and shared a nice little tidbit that Megan Fox basically begged him to date her and it wasn’t until she was like I guess I’ll go find someone else that he was like NO, WAIT! CLAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCCCC guy move. Apparently he wasn’t over his previous relationship yet but like she should probably just wait until he’s ready to date, right?! He then quickly realized he was being a douchenozzle and agreed to date her. Look, I’ve openly admitted on more than one occasion that I don’t get the Megan Fox obsession. I mean yeah, she’s pretty but people like want to die a thousand deaths for how hot she is and I’m just like meh. Alright. Like let’s not be stunned by the fact that he wasn’t interested right away. Maybe they went on a date and he was like damn she’s not funny at all. (Cough cough: when she did that stint on New Girl I wanted to poke my eyes clean out of my head because it was so unfunny and terrible and basically all she does is play the hot girl in anything.) Do I sound jealous? Probably and I’m ok with that. While we’re on a rampage here, the 90210 reboot STIIIIIIINKS. Sorry, guys. Carry on.

5. The Fall of Katy. Again.

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You know. After I met Katy, we sang a worship song, “open the eyes of my heart” She was cool and kind. When other people were around she was cold as ice even called the act of kissing me “gross” to the entire set while filming. Now I was pretty embarrassed but kept giving my all, as my ex was busy cheating on me and my daughter was just a toddler, I knew I had to endure for her sake. After the first day of shooting, Katy invited me to a strip club in Santa Barbara. I declined and told her “I have to go back to hotel and rest, because this job is all I have right now” So I saw Katy a couple times after her break up with Russel. This one time I brought a friend who was dying to meet her. It was Johny Wujek’s birthday party at moonlight roller way. And when I saw her, we hugged and she was still my crush. But as I turned to introduce my friend, she pulled my Adidas sweats and underwear out as far as she could to show a couple of her guy friends and the crowd around us, my penis. Can you imagine how pathetic and embarrassed i felt? I just say this now because our culture is set on proving men of power are perverse. But females with power are just as disgusting. So for all her good she is an amazing leader, hers songs are mainly great empowering anthems. And that is it. I continued to watch her use clips of her music videos for her world tour and then her dvd, only highlighting one of her male co-stars, and it was me. I made around 650 in total off of teenage dream. I was lorded over by her reps, about not discussing a single thing about anything regarding Katy publicly. And a couple interviews they edited and answered for me. So, happy anniversary to one of the most confusing, assaulting, and belittling jobs I’ve ever done. Yay #teenagedream I was actually gonna play the song and sing it on ukele for the anniversary, but then as I was tuning I thought, fuck this, I’m not helping her bs image another second.

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It seems like Katy Perry has been on a rollercoaster only careening toward the ground basically since this song came out. She had feuds with Taylor Swift, became a judge on American Idol, went out on tour but her tickets ended up on Groupon, and now everyone’s accusing her of sexual assault and stealing music. Even dressing up as a hamburger and hugging Taylor Swift in YNTCD couldn’t save her. The male star of this video, Josh Kloss, just decided to use the 10 year anniv of the song to be like hey I’ll never celebrate this dirt-ass song because while I was starring in the video Katy was a total B, said kissing me was gross, and then also ripped my pants off at a roller skating rink and showed everyone my wiener. Not a great look, KP. Song still bangs though.

 

 

And if you want to feel like Miley and Kaitlynn (and every other young ho) this weekend… HERE YA GO:

Not gonna lie this song is catchy as hell even though it doesn’t inspire me to bang strange all summer long.

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Pop Culture, Television

The Hills: That Was Then, This Is Now

It’s been 10 years since The Hills taught me that moving to a city in your twenties is equivalent to being a celebrity. It left out the part about not being able to afford an apartment with a pool, staying in with network TV on a week night instead of hitting the clubs, and having friends that DON’T give you diamonds for your 21st birthday. Whatever. The Hills MIGHT have given me unreal expectations about post-college life being as fancy-free as a Natasha Bedingfield song. That’s why I’m not sure why I’m so surprised that they duped me once again. LC made her big announcement about a month ago about The Hills “reunion” for all the fans that stuck by her side (Me, obviously. I buy all her clothes and still quote her daily.) They revved us up with an all day marathon of the reality TV glory (pre-Kardashian days.) And then what they delivered was a one hour special with LC, her parents, her husband and a couple of producers…talking about her life. They promo’ed both clothing lines, her charity work, and showed us how gr8 her life is now. I KNOW HER LIFE IS GREAT. SHE’S LAUREN F’ING CONRAD! And it wasn’t until that final credit rolled last night that I realized I had eaten that shit right up. I was tricked and yet I still watched it and tweeted about it and now I’m writing this recap. You done me good, MTV. But know that I’m disappointed.

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Since I’m assuming the majority of the world chose the ChadBear pooping his pants on Bachelor in Paradise over this snoozefest, here are your highlights. But seriously, I accept Dunks gift cards as a form of thank you for DVR’ing this then sitting two inches away from my TV taking ratchet pictures and videos to enhance this recap.

 

Things That Are The Same:

  • LC still rolls around Laguna in her black convertible, top down, blonde locks blowing in the ocean breeze. Gawd I wanted this to be fake but she’s just such a casj cool Cali girl. Her parents also still live in a kickass house with an infinity pool that looks across the ocean.*(see “things that are different.”)

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  • Thirsty ass bitches are friends. Left on the cutting room floor: Heidi telling Kimmy K at her housewarming party, “We’re the only people in American who have jellyfish.” This interaction EXPLAINS EVERYTHING and I can’t believe it’s been buried for this long.

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  • Audrina is like, really pretty. No seriously, LC talks about meeting “their very pretty neighbor.” It means she’s dumb, guys. Also this is pure bullshit because everyone knows Audrina auditioned to be in The Hills.
  • Brody and LC have 0.0 chemistry. Their first date banter about LC’s Cheshire cat smile and how it pretty much seemed like it was going nowhere was just the tip of the iceberg. Obviously producers fabricated the LC/Brody drama and now we have the proof! Like a couple of seasoned actors, they played along with: I like your smile, no I like your smile! *closed mouth kiss.* END SCENE.

Things That Are Different:

  • *Except now Mr & Mrs Conrad’s house is a shrine to LC’s magazine covers.

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  • Bitch intern Emily might’ve once shamed LC for being so uneducated in the world of flowers but LOOK AT HER NOW, she knows what garden roses are and runs a fashion empire. Where did you end up, Emdoggz?

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  • We now know that Jason was a RAGING alcoholic during his early reality TV star years. This is key as now we can unearth the real reason LC dumped his ass and a BTS peek at him hammered when they force her to “recreate” their breakup for the camera. LC was actually crying because it was morning and Jason was three sheets to the wind, or like a freckle past a hair? This scene alone is hilarious and then LC adds a very generic & monotone, “Jason had a happy ending and is sober and married.” Good for you, Jason. Sucks that LC didn’t get enough credit for telling ole spiky hair, BOY BYE because she was sick of dragging his dead booze weight out of Les Deux on a Monday night.

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(PS what a Dick for being drunk and saying LC isn’t acting normal.)

  • LC is a businesswoman now and realizes that MTV bought her Teen Vogue “internship.” Whereas back in the day she actually thought she was interviewing for it. Oh, honey.

Things That Deserve Their Own Reality Show:

  • William and LC. Seriously these two cannot be any cuter. LC babbles about fashion and William looks at her like this:

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He even attends her clothing line board meetings. RELASHE GOALZ.

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  • LC yelling at MTV for putting her and Spencer in the same room. These two HATED each other and seeing LC be like wtf, guys every time they snuck him into a scene would be all the entertainment.

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  • The amount of guys that Hills producers paid to chat/kiss/be LC’s boyfriend for the night. Seriously, the way they mic’ed up dirty Parisian guy before he even walked over to LC is impressive. Then they pulled the puppet strings to get him to kiss her. TV MAGIC. I guess this is technically the premise for Unreal but I’d still like to see more of their blatant producing of this show. LC was tipped off this guy was going in for the kiss so she ran away. I’ve never been more proud. That kiss would’ve been like a hit of dirt and nicotine. Stay clean, LC.

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But actually think about what it would be like to be 23 and out at a bar where every guy who chats you up has already spoken to your producers and signed a waiver. YIKES.

  • LC’s cat eye. No f’real. Her business savvy is impressive, her charity work is honorable but the most important thing is that winged liner. I will worship all day at the altar of her perfected Persian eye.
  • This house.  I think I actually wiped up a little drool just from an establishing shot of her yard. Holy MTV money.

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Noticeably Missing:

  • Segment on where Justin Bobby is today. What his spiritual beliefs are, if he’s washed his hair lately, if he still sweeps chicks off their feet with just one burp. You know, the important stuff. I would’ve even settled for LC giving us an unfiltered commentary on a classic JB scene.

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  • An apology from Lisa Love. She’s gotta feel like a real asshole now for Paris-shaming LC when she was just trying to check her 18-year-old boyfriend into rehab.

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  • A shoutout to William’s days in Something Corporate. Sigh. Tween girl in me is disappointed. HE USED TO BE A PUNK HEARTTHROB! HE WAS ONCE FAMOUS TOO! Give us that backstory!
  • A live look at Heidi and Spencer as aunt/uncle to Holly’s baby. Does Uncle Spence rub crystals on the little homeboy?

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  • Whitney’s reaction to a shocked face montage.

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  • An in-depth discussion of current events and politics with Audrina.

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  • LC mocking her worst fashion moments of The Hills. Cough cough, plastic black headband, cough.

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And finally, it wouldn’t be a real rundown on The Hills without mention of the most ridiculous couple. As a reaction to being iced out of the special, Speidi took completely different approaches, both with the goal of attention. Let us observe. Spencer went full Kanye:

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Heidi opted for the kill ‘em with kindness tactic. Hey Heidi, LC will never be your friend again. Stop trying. It’s been 10 years. Let it go, girlfriend.

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*Cue acoustic version of “feel the rain on your skin….no one else can feel it for you….only you can let it in.” 

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/9/16

1. RyGos played us. Because of course we learn about a Ryan Gosling/Eva Mendes pregnancy like while they’re popping that thing out. Gos Girl #2 arrived this week and they’re really sticking with the Spanish names, as this one is Amada Lee Gosling. I did some research on the Google and Amada means “beloved” so I guess that kinda sucks for Esmeralda. She’s no longer the baby –who, face it, gets spoiled in every family AND she got the short end of the stick in the naming department. Roof stoof, girl. Since we’ve never even seen baby numero uno, don’t hold thy breath for a snapshot of the newb. Damn celebs and wanting their privacy. So selfish.

2. New HaWt Coups Alert.

Apparently Robert Buckley and Lea Michele are dating, which I approve of very much. Lea is a babe, Robert is a babe. Teen drama royalty. End of discussion.

3. What Would Playboy Spence Think? (WWPST?)

Our favorite LA slut, Brody Homeboy Jenner is finally settling down. I mean, realistically he was already settled for quite some time now but the ring makes it official. No more Vegas birthdays with Frankie and the boys, or smooching Jenn Bunney on her birthday. Clearly I’ve never moved on from a fictional reality show roughly 10 years ago. Whatever. Either way that’s a rock right there! Speaking of rocks, do you think Spencer will be invited to the wedding? And if so, will he give them marriage crystals? Okay. I’m done.

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4. Marla Hooch still has it.

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A film festival staged a reunion for the movie A League of Their Own, because reunions are SAH HAWT right now. As beautiful as Marla Hooch was in the original film, if this picture is any indication, she’s still GOT IT. Hot damn, ladies! Sooks that they couldn’t get Rosie or Madonna… or even Jimmy Dugan. I feel cheated. JK I don’t because this picture made me laugh out loud.

5. Mikey Posner gets deep.

I saw a bunch of musicians tweeting about how this performance was a huge deal and since I suffer from severe FOMO, I powered up the ole YouTube and got to steppin to see what this was all about. Pretty cool considering this song as it was released was a techno beat and Mike stripping it down and making up lyrics on the spot made it a whole lot more relatable than poppin pillz on an island. Plus, if Matt Nathanson approves, SO DO I.

BONUS: Prince delivering burns from beyond the grave.

Prince, may he rest in peace, is still reminding the Kardashians that they’re garbage from 6 feet under. And I respect the hell out of it. First he kicks Kimmy off his stage for dancing terribly then he demands no Kardashians set foot on the same set as him. What a baller.

 

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Television

The Hills Drinking Game

53a05077d50a8_-_cos-01-lauren-conrad-the-hills-cast-xl It’s no secret I have a thang for Lauren Conrad and another thang for trashy reality television…which comes together quite nicely to make The Hills a re-watchable series for me. Except instead of sitting down and binge-watching, I’ve found that it’s best consumed during a gal pal wine night as a way to feel nostalgic for a time when thick headbands were in style oh, and also to get hammied. I hope that sharing this very official drinking game with all of you will fulfill the overwhelming desire that you once had to booze every time Justin Bobby’s greasy locks and open mouthed burps graced your TV.

Take a Sip When:

-You see LA Traffic or the Hollywood sign

-Brody or Spencer uses the term homeboy or homie

-Audrina/Heidi talk to Chiara/Elodie about their personal lives that these “co-workers” are certainly not a part of.

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-Justin Bobby’s hair looks greasy

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-LC touches her hair

-“Lisa wants to see you in her office”

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-Audrina has a blank stare that displays minimal brain activity, usually directed toward the ceiling.

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-Spencer’s sister is referred to as the “She-Pratt”

-Whitney ends an “ing” word with the “k” sound instead

-Anyone starts a sentence with “It’s like…”

-Heidi admits that she has no friends, just Spencer

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-The phrase “Be Careful” or “Be Cautious” is uttered about anyone wanting to buddy up to LC’s shady ex-friends

-Spencer calls Heidi “my dear” and sounds like he wants to wear her skin as a suit.

-LC preaches an inspirational quote about love or friendships

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-JBobby calls Audrina “dude” as a term of endearment. Swoon.

-LC or Steph are in class to remind us all that they actually go to college

Take a Shot (or Gulp) When:

-LC is hammie sammied

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-Whitney’s surprised

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-LC cries

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-Justin Bobby burps up everything he ate that day (and possibly that week)

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-Jen Bunney is shady AF

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-A character says something off camera that is very obviously a voiceover dubbed in

-Audrina says she’s DONE with JB…DONE.

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-Audrina is over being DONE with JB and takes his “hairstylin” ass back

-Whitney gives LC feedback that is really just repeating what LC said in an advice tone of voice

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-An up and comer is introduced on the show like they’re in a garage band and they’re now a huge superstar (i.e. Lady Gaga)

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-“ARE THEY TAKING SHOTS?!”

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-LC insults Audrina and she’s too stupid to notice, usually referring to her taste in men or Heidi using her to get to LC

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-The gang announces that an event or trip will be drama free…and then there’s drama.

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Take a Knee & Chug Your Drink When:

-The single black tear rolls down LC’s sad losing-another-BFF face

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-LC doesn’t go to Paris

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-LC does go to Paris

-Audrina pretends to be friends with Sean Kingston and his crew and has a poster of him in her cube at work

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-Trashcan bar-slut redhead kisses Justin Bobby in front of Audrina but when confronted claims, “I didn’t kiss him. I didn’t NOTHING him.”

-Three 22 year olds buy a Hollywood mansion with a built-in pool

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-She-Pratt describes the life cycles of pet rodents

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-Spencer compares the bickering of basic betches to world conflicts. “It’s like trying to tell Iran and Israel to get along.”

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-Spencer hooks up an IV of tequila to Heidi and then convinces her to marry him in Mexico

-Brody goes to Las Vegas reality show jail for dramatic effect

-LC makes her grand exit (Finish all the drinks within reach. It’s the end of the series.)

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Pop Culture, Television

The Hills-Top Heidi Moments

Hey guys, I’m BAAAAACK with some very important gossip, as always. Did you hear that Holly Montag is preggers? You didn’t? Oh, that’s probably because she’s not famous except for the time The Hills outed her as an alcoholic. Fingers crossed she’s sober now.

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Anyway, I’ve decided to celebrate the good news with her more “famous” sister’s best moments on The Hills, in no particular order. (Pre-Surgeries) We all remember Heidi as this top-heavy monster with blowfish lips who married Spencer the flesh colored beard, crystal lovin’ maniac. However, I think it’s important to be reminded of wholesome, good girl Heidi back when she had natural A cups and freshly moved to LA to pursue her dreams of working in PR and partying for a paycheck. Here are the best Heidi moments before she went full-on dark side.

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5. Dating Jordan from North Carolina with the most outrageous haircut known to man.

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Heidi and Jordan had their ups and downs—their up was when Jordan gave her a dog for Christmas (that mysteriously disappeared after season 1) and their downs were obviously the rest of their relationship. Jordan called himself passionate and would commonly tell Heidi to shut up because apparently his passions of hating his girlfriend were just too much to hold in. Inevitably, this led to the breakup, which was QUITE dramatic with tears from both parties…seriously bro, pull it together.

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I’m going to assume that Jordan was crying while getting dumped because the jig was up and Heidi finally realized that Sonic the Hedgehog was wildly outkicking his coverage by getting to sleep with her at all. And that was the end of dum dum Jordan and damn it did we all miss him and his weird creepy friend Brian who stalked Audrina in attempts to date her.

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WHAT IS THIS PHOTO.

4. Quitting school after the first day.

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Heidi’s claim to fame was being a quitter and boy did she commit to it. After going into her FIDM interview and announcing that she did not even glance at the curriculum, admitting, “I never went to school, I never did anything. I just like went shopping and hung out.” It’s no wonder they didn’t just offer her a full scholarship for her hard work right on the spot. Good ole Heids put in a half day at school after that and played solitaire waiting for LC to finish classes. By chance, or a scripted run-in, Heidi meets Brent Bolthouse and he gives her an interview for an assistant position. It’s her dream job, guys. She starts the next day and once he tells her she’ll be getting lunch and stuffing envelopes she backtracks real quick and says she didn’t understand that this was a full time job and she’s more into partying so could we speed up the process and put her in charge of the door at a nightclub already? Brent politely tells her to stop being such a self-righteous asshole with a sassy eye roll and Heidi calls LC to vent: “It’s so boring I’m stuffing envelopes. This is my nightmare of a job.” She promises to give it one more day before quitting. Atta girl.

3. Wearing jeans, boots and a turtleneck sweater tank to her first interview.

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(Sorry for the bootleg pic, I’m sure you still get the idea.) Although this is fully related to the last Heidi shining moment, it deserves a separate shout out because it is actually suuuuper baffling that someone going on their first full time job interview would think it’s acceptable to wear this outfit. She got the job though, so clearly I’m doing something wrong here. Her first day of work outfit was equally as appalling with jeans, pointy heels, a black button down and her hair in a bun with a headband that can only be described as one that girls wear when their hair is dirty.

2. The pregnancy scare with Playboy Spence.

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Hey everyone remember the early days of Spencer when he was also porking Audrina? Yeah, definitely not a red flag or anything. Heidi continues dating him even though she catches him with Audrina and whoopsie she runs right into a pregnancy scare. After taking the test and seeing that she’s not preggers (we can all agree that the best thing Speidi has done for this planet is to NOT procreate), Heidi wants to run a little test by Spence to see how he’ll react. She puts on her best serious soap opera face and calls him up asking him to drop by work because they need to talk. Homeboy pulls up in his beamer and she lays it on him that she might be pregnant. Playboy Spence breaks a sweat, takes a sip of what I assume to be vodka in a water bottle to calm his nerves and romantically declares that he’s on Team Heidi. That’s exactly what Heidi wants to hear and she casually replies with ok well I’m not pregnant tralala thanks for stopping by. Playboy Spence declares, “I’m a little bit irritated that you had me thinking you were pregnant,” to which Heidi replies, “Oh boo hoo.” This marks the only time I’ve ever wanted to fist bump Heidi.

1. Orchestrating the Great Jen Bunney Betrayal.

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This is probably my favorite Hills episode to date, and to be clear; I’m 100% team LC on this one. LC goes out of her way to make Jen Bunney’s 21st birthday the best it could be, even going so far as getting her diamonds via her MTV paycheck and Jen repays her by calculating a hookup with Brody like mere minutes after LC and Brody dated. Heidi truly shined when she turned into the conniving birthday fairy granting booty like wishes. She coordinates Brody to attend Bunney’s party and then aggressively pushes the two of them together to mate like real world cast mates in a hot tub. Obviously Bunz leaves with Brodz and LC finds out and lays down the hammer on both idiots, but not Brody, cause he’s too pretty to yell at. Since getting video clips of The Hills is like getting security footage from the White House, for whatever reason, I can only suffice the best scene of the episode with some shitty pictures. I like to call this exchange: two drunk white girls repeating words.

Honorable Mention: Being cutthroat at Bolthouse snaking a promotion from Elodie.

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(Technically this is post-surgery since Heidi clearly had already gotten her first boob job, but we’ll let it slide.) Elodie mentions casually that there’s a promotion in the works and Heidi goes behind her back to get it. Oohh Kill em Heidi, get your dream job and rise above the ranks of stuffing envelopes. Elodie, the unfortunate looking elf who is forced to listen to Heidi talk about Spencer and how she has no friends 24/7, gets her revenge swiftly. Heidi’s first event falls on the same night as the anniversary of the first time Spencer and her banged in a club before he probably then took Audrina out for ice cream or something, and she asks Elodie to cover her undeserving of a promotion ass. Elodie sneaky quits that day and tells Heidi that she’s all set before she heads back to the North Pole, screwing Heidi over royally. Don’t hate the player, hate the game, Heidz.

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This is Elodie’s biz casj cami.

And there we have it. The party girl from Colorado with a heart of gold (or something…) won her way into the best friend Hall of Fame of miss Lauren Conrad and for that and so much more (repeated appearances on various reality TV shows with Spencer) we will never forget her. A friend has informed me that if you miss our little Heidi whose boobs have grown six sizes since the early days, you can catch her and Spencer on Marriage Boot Camp this season, undoubtedly discussing true love and crystals.

hedi gif

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Pop Culture

#TBT LC’s Hair History

So LC just chopped her hair again. Twice in one week. So bold. But as the queen of Instagram and DIY, I respect all of her decisions (Even Brody Jenner). In honor of her fresh cut and given that today is #TBT, let’s rate all her hairstyles dating back to Laguna, shall we? (The answer to that is yes, we shall.)

Disclaimer: As the creator of The Hills drinking game during my last year of college, this type of analysis is something I get a little too committed to. Probably because I have Laguna and The Hills on DVD. Best investment I’ve ever made.

So here they are from worst to best:
10. The Hills Season 1: Ah, the year of the thick plastic black headband. This is ranked last and I think we all know why. That headband was a nightmare and she paired it with everything. I’m just sayin that if Lisa Love handed me an internship at Teen Vogue, I probably wouldn’t wear a black plastic headband to work every day. That headband should be buried in style history alongside Kristin’s black choker from Laguna. Lauren didn’t go to Paris, because she spent the summer with her boyfriend wearing the same headband every day. (Ugh. Jason.)
Biz Casj Headband Welcome to LA
9. Laguna Beach: Her Laguna days consisted of beach blonde pin straight hair usually accompanied by a pair of oversized sunglasses perched on top. Ah, to be a California girl. This falls near the worst end of the list because there’s nothing special to it. I’m certainly not going to say mean things about it because let’s all think about what our hair looked like senior year of high school and then imagine that being documented on national TV. At the time this aired, I had just discovered the straightener, but hadn’t quite nailed how to use it yet, resulting in a frizzy half straight half crimped head of hair. Props for knowing how to use a straightener, LC also props for being popular and dating dreamboat Stephen. (Let’s pretend he wasn’t simultaneously dating Kristin, it’s better that way.)
Laguna
8. Post-Hills: The Neon Pony. I can get down with colored hair from time to time but there is really no explanation needed for why this didn’t work for mah gurl LC. Edgy just doesn’t suit her, her bad boy phase was over…no excuses.
Nailed the cat eye.

Nailed the cat eye.

7. Post-Hills: Hard bangs. LC went through a hard bang phase more recently. I wouldn’t say they looked bad on her because come on guys, does LC ever look bad? But I’d much prefer a light bang or no bang LC. (Say bang again.)

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6. The Hills: Side bangz. I can’t pinpoint when the side bang ended during The Hills because it made it’s comeback so many different seasons. It was strongest in the early seasons but then later on it seemed to reappear. Regardless, it wasn’t great. BUT it was better, in my opinion, than the aforementioned full bangz. The side bang was a weird thing that everyone was into. It was mostly weird because why would you commit to something that’s constantly in one of your eyes. Like did girls pick one eye they didn’t care about seeing out of for their side bang? You can get back to me on that if you indeed side banged it.

s3

Throwing the MOST shade

PARTIALLY blind.

PARTIALLY blind.

 5. Post-Hills: Brunette. Leave it to LC to dye her beachy blonde waves dark brown (I’m assuming this is her natural color, my evidence being season 1 of Laguna roots situation) and look just as good. Kate Middleton anyone? #Royalty
brown
4. Post-Hills: Top bun. Has the top ballerina bun EVER looked this elegant and cool at the same time? Since I’m notorious for letting trends happen, complaining about them and then deciding that I need to try them roughly 3 years later, I did the whole sock bun thing more recently and VERY late. Needless to say I didn’t quite get the hang of it so quickly, I’ll spare you the graphic deets and instead let you bask in LC’s bun glory.
bun2 bun
3. The Hills Season 1-3/The rest of her life: Long waves/Mermaid curls. This falls near the top of the list because it has become her somewhat signature look that she kept around up until she chopped. It works for her and makes me envy everyone who can have perfectly styled curls on a regular basis. Add a thick headband in with those curls and end up at the bottom of the list as you will see. (She tried to sneak the headband thing back in during later seasons of The Hills. I noticed.)
Bonus: She reverted to this classic for her wedding and I couldn’t have loved it more.
 IMG_3885wedding
2.Post-Hills: Ombre. Most gals go from brown to blonde for the ombre trend. LC went from blonde to blonder and damnit do I respect it. It looked great on her and I wish she would’ve debuted it while she was still on The Hills to show Heidi how to go blonder in a subtle and classy way. Ah who are we kidding, Heidi trying to be classy would go EXACTLY like her going to college. (Spoiler alert: she quits after one day.)
ombre Braided-Side-Bangs-Lauren-Conrad-Hair
1. The Hills-Forever: THE SIDE BRAID. The side braid itself was created circa season 3 of The Hills and was worn in many variations until LC eventually discovered she was bigger and better than the Hills and peaced before it plummeted downhill during seasons 5-6 with Kristin “I Don’t Care That I’m a Bitch” Cavallari at the helm. My all time favorite side braid was when she cut her hair short and wore it straight with the braid. Girl made it look like she got a fresh trim every day of filming (she probably did) and it looked bomb.com–not of course, to discriminate against any other side braid version (there are thousands) because she essentially created the trend. I have a love/hate relationship with this trend. I love it because it’s cool and I’ve wanted to wear it every day since she debuted it. I hate it because I can’t accomplish it without the help of my mother’s magical braiding hands. Can’t live with my mom forever, LC, gawd, be considerate.
She's probably with Jen Bunney here.

She’s thinking about Jen Bunny here.

braidombre2 season3braid

 

So now that we’ve covered LC’s hair history. Here’s her new cut (I’m obsessed, obv.):

freshbob

 

Feel free to chime in if I missed any! What hair trend will she start next? I guess the rest is still unwritten…

If you didn’t think I was going to force that in here you don’t know me at all.

The iconic single black tear.

The iconic single black tear.

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