Week of 7/26/2021
- Sit Down, Bennifer.
JLo turned 52 over the weekend and decided to gift the world with the very first public PDA declaration of Bennifer 2.0. And obviously I didn’t handle well. If you need a quick refresher on how I feel about this “relationship”, please rewind back to this rant. To be perfectly honest, a yacht smooch does not a legit relationship make. I’m still firmly in the camp that this is a whirlwind publicity stunt, but now that she’s gone IG official it appears as though we can no longer avoid this leap downward in the rebound dept for your girl. I mean LOOK AT THIS BODY. SHE IS FIFTY TWO. I just recently went on a quest to find a pair of relaxed fit jeans that don’t slice my gut in half and beelined it straight to the table labeled “mom jeans.” I’m thirty. JLO IS FIFTY TWO.
I’m ashamed to admit how much I watched that video in awe and adoration. She is a specimen. And she’s going back for sloppy Ben Affleck? COME ON. Do I appreciate the unlimited amount of internet jokes (highlighted below) that are coming from this reunion? Absolutely. But as her close personal friend, I believe that JLo can do a million trillion times better. If she had the common decency to text me the pic before posting it, I would’ve obviously been like bestie…don’t do it. Walk it back. Girls always like a little feedback before posting a bold pic and I just wish Jen came to me with this. Now that it’s out there, there’s no going back. Live it up on a yacht, have birthday sex, what have you, but when y’all go back to real life and you can’t party it up and you keep having to stare at that GIANT colored scorpion tat that covers Ben’s back as you spoon him (JLo is OBV big spoon) and you cannot possibly drink another damn Dunks icey…this rebound is going to crash and burn in epic fashion. And who’s gonna be there to put the pieces back together? Me, obviously. Shoot me a text and I’m there in a minute. I’ll awkwardly pet your ass on a yacht any day of the week and twice on Sunday gurl…while also shouting TOLD YA SO.
2. Dirty Birdies.
In news no one ever asked for, Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis aren’t super into the whole bathing thing. Good ole Dax has the two on his podcast and they make a comment about how they only give their kids a bath if they can see dirt on them and it spiraled real quick to Ashton revealing that he only washes his pits & bits and occasionally his face if he’s hit the gym. DIIIIIIIIRTBAG alert! Coming from someone who openly picks her nose, that’s saying a lot. At least I clean myself on the reg. These two can be casj all they want about how they grew up without a lot of water or soap takes away natural oils or WuTeVa. They’re a coupla dirty hippies who probably reek of BO and that’s the bottom line. I typically give myself ONE day a week (may have exaggerated to a few days a week during Covid) where I do not shower. It’s usually Sunday and that’s why it was dubbed No-Shower-Sunday many moons ago, patent pending. I sit around and do almost nothing all day, sometimes if we’re getting really crazy, I’ll toss on a pair of fresh unds and hit the grocery store. At at the end of No-Shower-Sunday, without fail, I feel like Pigpen. I wonder if there’s squiggly lines on my face and clouds of dirt surrounding my body mid-air because that’s how disgusting I feel. That’s after 24 hours without a shower. CAN YOU IMAGINE just never washing your body? Like slapping a little soap into your crevaces and calling it a day? I wonder if their kids first words were “Whore’s Bath.” Clean it up, you two.
3. N*SYNC 4Eva.
Celebrity stands the test of time. Also this hit hard. This album is 20 years old, which means my one and only N*SYNC concert was roughly 20 years ago and AM I 100?! I love that JT released a deep cut BTS moment from the Gone music video. Pretty much sums up his leading lady existence with the band. They’re all hanging around on a music video set and he’s like hey guys pay attention to me and my beat boxing. I ate that shit right up though. What I didn’t love is everyone pretending Lance and JT were feuding because of this Tiktok:
JT commented on it and was like lolz you’ll understand when you have kids and Lance responded “touché” WOWOWOWOWOWOOOW FEUD OF THE CENTURY. Everyone shut up. The remaining members of N*SYNC are out here hustling for a paycheck doing Pop 2K tours at local bars and collabing with BSB on TikTok. They’re on a grind. They don’t have that JT money, honayyyyyy. LET THEM LIVE. Everyone is just getting their bread and if they occasionally need to call out JT for clout then so be it. Now enjoy that new hotness on the streets, BackSync.
4. Free Britney’s Nipples.
It appears as though #FreeBritney has gotten way out of hand. It started with a woman standing up for herself and ousting her grimy father from running her life and then Brit started to get REAL mouthy on Instagram calling family members out. And now here we are. Nip City: Population, Brit. The first photo (above) was posted and everyone was like YASS QUEEN FREE THE NIP GO OFF SIS TAKE BACK YOUR LIFE AND YOUR FREEDOM AND LET DEM TITTIES HANG. And then four days later we got this:
And people were more like lol yes girl totes 😬 embrace it…and another two days go by and now we’re getting the nipz in vid form:
And the people have TURNED. Comments are suddenly like “I don’t think this is her posting it.” And honestly that’s the real conundrum here. Knowing that Britney Spears isn’t even allowed to drive or go see her gyno without her dad’s supervision, it is VERY unclear who runs her social media. Can we confidently say this is 100% authentic Britney flashing them milk bags on IG every few days? No we cannot. But if WE COULD, this is not helping her case. Which is also why it would be strategic as hell for whoever runs her account to make her look like she’s going off the rails again and shouldn’t be released from creep daddy Jamie’s clutches. LOTS TO THINK ABOUT HERE. But also please for the love of God flopping your sloppy yabbos around, half covered with your massively chipped nails, featuring rolled over COJ’s like it’s 2002 AIN’T 👏 IT 👏 SIS!
5. Lady Gaga with an Italian Accent.
This movie has been hyped HOARD. The first photo that Lady Gaga put out of her and Adam Driver looking like 80’s Aspen royalty had everyone salivating over this movie. And after watching that trailer of essentially 10 words total and a whole lot of music and text, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say there’s probably absolutely no substance to this movie. It’s apparently about the murder of Maurizio Gucci–taken out by a hitman hired by his ex-wife. Love a murder movie. Love an Italian mob movie. But judging by the flashiness of this trailer and the way they’ve been teasing the costume looks, I feel like they’re trying to distract us from a shitty flick. I’ll still watch it, obviously…but I’m not about to get fired up over someone cutting together a bunch of scenes and Lady Gaga tossing an Italian accent into the mix. As someone who grew up on The Lizzie McGuire Movie and had unrealistic expectations that I would be swept away by an Italian popstar on my semester abroad, I’m no stranger to the white singer/actress doing an Italian accent. Hilary Duff’s was out of this world bad and even she owns up to it.
“O0oo are yooou going to believe? Dis boy yoooou know your whole life?” Gets me every time. Anyway, I’m not saying Lady Gaga was this bad, but I’m also not not saying that either. It’s difficult to nail an Italian accent without sounding like Nintendo’s Mario and/or Luigi and I applaud them all for going hard in the paint but it still was a little cringey to watch. Cue every movie critic ever coming at me for my hot takes on this movie full of A List actors. But whatevs, I calls it like I sees it. Plus I took Italian for 4 years. Guess what I sounded like? A dumb American trying to have an Italian accent and mispronouncing 90% of their language. Props on the physical transformation for Jared Leto though. Definitely would not have guessed that was him had they not smashed it in our faces a bunch of times. Ciao.Ciaociaociaoooooo.
The Salty Ju 