Red Carpet

Golden Globes Red Carpet 2023

I gotta be completely honest, when the host, Jerrod Carmichael, got on stage and was like obviously last year’s Golden Globes were cancelled because the Hollywood Foreign Press Association is racist as hell and I’m here because I’m black…I was genuinely shocked to hear this information. Not the racism part, the cancellation part. It’s only been a year since they got cancelled and it was as if I was hearing this announcement for the very first time. My brain is absolute mush in my old age. So I guess welcome back, Golden Globes!

I would be remiss not to make the one comment no one seems willing to make that may ruffle a few feathers but what’s a blog for if not to ruffle some feathers. The opening monologue called out the hypocrisy of an association that didn’t have a black member until the death of George Floyd and then hired a black director and a black host for its comeback…and then BAM BAM BAM the first three awards given out went to people of color. And I’m not questioning the talent of any of these actors, but I do wonder how legitimate these awards are when it’s clear the Globes are trying to make up for lost time and stop actively looking racist. The thought HAD to have crossed these actors minds. And that sucks. That’s gotta take away from their win. I knew we were really digging in deep in the ‘let’s show we’re NOT RACIST AT ALL’ front when Taylor Swift, Rihanna & Lady Gaga were all nominated for best original song for a movie and a song called “Natu Natu” all in Indian won. They weren’t even trying to hide it. So anyway, I’m not sure what’s better, an awards show that only awards whites, or an awards show that only awards people of color to make up for only awarding whites. All I know is I support Abbott Elementary getting the recognition it deserves because I haven’t loved a sitcom this much in a VERY long time.

But back to the real reason I’m here, not to drop some uncomfy cultural observations on Hollywood (which is still racist, btw) but to tell you if an outfit is eye-burningly hideous regardless of the gender or ethnicity of the human wearing it, the way God (Joan Rivers) intended.

WORST

 

Selma

Kicking things off with a classic pair of Golden Globes, heyyyyooooo. You knew I had to make that dad joke AT LEAST once and I’m glad I got it out of my system right at the top of the hour. Besides being punched in the face by Salma’s hooters, I think black straps on a nude gown is really tossing a “ma’am your bra straps are showing” trashy vibe out there.

Clare Danes

Honestly she had me right up until the bottom and for that reason I’m out.

Screen Shot 2023-01-10 at 9.30.09 PM

Laverne

This is something Samantha Jones would wear to one of her PR parties back in ’97 and even though every woman wants to be like Oh, you like Sex and the City, I’m totally a Samantha, in this case it’s really not something to brag about.

Jenny Slate

This is a tacky cheap prom dress. The color is horrendous and that flower accented by a spaghetti strap halter top, my lanta.

Clean it up, Jenny. 

Nicole Byer

Tonight’s edition of sparkly Hefty bag.

Daisy

It’s giving French maid and honestly if you’re going to a major awards show in peak season, this ain’t it. Even if that awards show is on a Tuesday.

Glover

Respectfully, no. Head to toe pervy 70’s strip club owner.

Heidi Klum

Is Heidi OK? What is happening here? This is Vegas showgirl in a sad way, not a fun way. Even her makeup and hair…who did this to you, bbgirl?

Screen Shot 2023-01-10 at 8.20.06 PM

Legit question, what is holding this dress up?

Screen Shot 2023-01-10 at 8.11.06 PM

We’ve always got a trend that everyone is jumping on for each red carpet and last night’s was all of the fabric. Between big ole skirts and trains and shawls and fabric dragging every which way, it shouldn’t be shocking at all to learn that I hated it.

Do less, God Bless.

Screen Shot 2023-01-10 at 8.13.09 PM

Ok, so do less than swaddling yourself in taffeta and do more than wearing lingerie. This should be self-explanatory but celebrities are a whole different animal.

Quinta Brunson

UGH I’m mad about this. She had to scuffle up that mermaid tail and drag it all the way from the cheap seats in the back, thwacking the chairs of A-list celebs along the way to accept her award. I hope this taught Quinta an important fashion lesson that every woman must learn on her own…a mermaid bottom is never the choice.

Lily Taylor

THERE IS SO MUCH FABRIC. 

Selena Gomez

Ditch the sleeves with rattails, buttercup. They’re stupid. (What I would say if I worked for Selena and she asked me what I thought of this outfit)

Julia

Right in line with the mermaid tail, we can tack cupcake bottom to the no-fly list as well. I mean, have I been screaming into the void for 8 years of red carpets now?! IS ANYONE OUT THERE LISTENING?! Unless you’re attending a theme party twirling a parasol, this is not a good enough reason to be dripping in ruffles.

Michelle Williams

MICHELLE. WHAT THE HELL. YOU’RE BETTER THAN THIS.

Eddie Redmayne

The sheer shirt and giant fabric flower made my panties dry RIGHT up.

Viola

Are you even rich and famous if you show up to a red carpet with the bottom of your dress sopping wet because it dragged through puddles on a sidewalk? I mean, that’s some poor people shit right there. You’ve gotta have assistants SPECIFICALLY paid to carry your train for you. I would have an epic Naomi Campbell meltdown if this happened. Anywho, regardless of her swamp hem, the tank on the left and tee on the right was a no for me. Either let your pits breathe or cover them up. There’s no “either, and” option here.

Michelle Yeogh

I’m not going to rip a fresh rant on peplum because you already know what it is. Mermaid, cupcake, peplum. If the style has a stupid name, DITCH IT, MAMA.

Babyface

Seeing Babyface’s bare chest under his suit coat truly gave me the ick.

 

BEST

Jeremy

Yes, CHEF.

Adam Scott

Had to make a real concession here with that stupid bow but A TWO-TONED TEAL SUIT?! OH, OK.

Andrew Garfield

Oh shit that is fresh.

Tyler

My obsession with a tie dyed jumpsuit (I own far too many) translated over to this jazzy number and might I also add this pose is cocky as hell. One hand in the pocket, the other showing off your bling. Gonna pose like this from now on, just need some bling.

Janelle

DAYUMN that body-ody-ody-ody-ody.

Rogen

Wildly different approaches and I love them both. 

Abby Elliot

Adorbsies lil bump and top bun in a color we don’t see a whole lot of.

Sigourney Weaver

Sigourney took a page out of the “older women wear a sleek and traditional black gown” book and it’s a popular pick for a reason. Flattering and timeless.

Margot Robbie

Great wavy hair, lovely soft pink tone and fun little twist with the lace bottom.

Chloe Flower

Don’t get me wrong, this falls into the too much fabric category and overall is stupid HOW-EV-ER, to be fair, if you’re going to hop on a dumb trend that you’ll regret in a year, one thing you’ll NEVER regret is showcasing your stemz at their peak. I support this move wholeheartedly. Let those gams breathe! (As it turns out this was the show’s pianist and she probably wore this style so she could have legs free to shove under a piano and pump those pedals but I hope she reads this and knows how hot her legs are and they shouldn’t be hidden under a piano.)

Ana Gasteyer

I kinda feel like they did Ana dirty with this picture as it looks like a low angle, which we all know should be illegal. But shocking to no one I would die for this color combo. GIMME ALL THE OCEAN TONES. SUFFOCATE ME WITH THEM. Too far? Probably. Nothing new here.

Kaley Cuoco

Another bun/bump duo! Was this a requirement? Hey if you’re pregnant you must also do a top bun to accentuate that you have a BUN in the oven. Get it?! Props for the purple princess gown. 

Jeremy Pope

Ohhhh yeah this is FIERCE.

Jessica Chastain

Kinda suprised myself with liking this one because on more than one occasion, I’ve spent weeks getting in my car and discovering new spiderwebs on my dashboard and in my windshield. And I’d clean them off and then come back to more the next day. There’s nothing more terrifying than discovering it’s an inside job but never finding the culprit of these sticky butt-string houses. I seem to be a real magnet for spiders wanting to ride around with me like I’m some sort of arachnid Uber. And every single time it happens I consider setting my car on fire and hoping the insurance covers spider arson. All of that to say, I hate spiderwebs but make a bedazzled spiderweb on a dress and I am SLIVING FOR IT, HONEY.

Ana De Armas

ADA was here for her role as Marilyn Monroe and she could’ve easily fallen into the Marilyn trope and had those yabbos on display but I respect even more that she didn’t. She went as herself and looks chic AF. (Unlike Kim Kardashian who starved herself then wedged her too big body into Marilyn’s historically famous gown, ripping it along the way, just so she could have a ‘look at me’ moment at the Met Gala. #PeopleDon’tForget.)

Screen Shot 2023-01-10 at 8.24.39 PM

I have a real boner for the floral details on this dress.

Sheryl

THIS IS A MOMENT. Hair, makeup, majestic purple glamour all on point.

Glen

Obviously all of the love is for that babe soda Glen for wearin’ that suit. The ruffle skirt on his arm candy can die away from me.

Screen Shot 2023-01-10 at 8.11.23 PM

I’ve never seen a more perfectly fitted gown. 

Jamie Lee Curtis

Jamie Lee spicing up the ‘women of a certain age’ look with some lace

Screen Shot 2023-01-10 at 8.14.31 PM

Great red gown and matching red lip. No clue who this is but you nailed it, booboo.

Screen Shot 2023-01-10 at 8.14.45 PM

HELL YEA pastel suit from this young chap. Off to a great start with your style career, junior.

Screen Shot 2023-01-10 at 8.15.39 PM

Another young’n, (no fact checking she just looks young) in a regal curtain-y dress.

Angela Bassett

Angela’s been around the block a time or two and knows how to give hand on hip ‘TUDE on a red carpet. I’m afraid to ever be on her bad side and also in awe of her glam. Mission accomplished.

Niecy Nash

Easily one of my top looks of the night. I really love this eggplant color, not so into the fitted sheet she’s schlepping around but it is what it is. The dress fits her like a glove and that makes up for the fabric ‘splosion accent.

Anya

Rocking this alabaster skin with a color like this and pulling it off is almost enough to make me stop baking my skin off in the sun every chance I get to achieve an optimal skin tone for neon colors. Almost. 

Jennifer Coolidge

Honestly Jennifer Coolidge can wear whatever the hell she wants because she’s an icon and was easily the funniest person at the show last night and she wasn’t even trying that hard.

Billy Porter

The tux dress is Billy’s signature and I’m down for the magenta version.

Hilary Swank

A BUMP WITH A BUMP. Ok, I’m not imagining it here, guys. Pregnant women were exclusively told to have one hairstyle on this red carpet and I’m not being dramatic. She literally has a bump-it in her hair. The inconveniently long ribbons pulling behind her are dumb but she makes up for it by stuntin those pockets all over you hoes.

Hannah

What an all-around fabulous look and another fave of mine from the night.

Jean Smart

I don’t make the rules, I just point them out to the world and occasionally laugh at them but for realz every actress above the age of 55 was told to wear a black long-sleeve gown. On the one hand, you can’t possibly look bad in that and on the other hand, I feel like they should be offended that they reach AARP age and suddenly have to dress like they’re attending their own funeral. Regardless, Jean looks gr8. 

Seeborn

We’re starting to lose it here, folks. Fun peek behind the curtain that is The Salty Ju, although these blogs are read and appreciated by a very small sample sale of people, I put more effort into them than I do my full-time job. When I do a red carpet I start collecting pictures when the show starts, work on it while I watch, sipping wine to keep me awake past my bedtime, and I don’t finish writing these stupid lil captions until the awards show has concluded. That’s about three and a half hours for the mathematicians at home. And then I wake up the next morning and edit to correct any of my sloppy mistakes before publishing it by 9am. So, next time you make fun of my blog, make sure you laugh extra hard at how many precious minutes I spend crafting these silly words that nearly no one reads. I may devote way too much time to a red carpet but I ALWAYS appreciate a bold floral and lip.

Odenkirk

Ending on a REAL high note because if you don’t root for a guy who gives a strong point as his red carpet pose then you must have a giant dump in your pants. This makes me so happy and the cherry on top is that he looks fresh to death while he cocks that finger gun, locked and loaded. Hoping for dubz gunz at the Oscars.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

Ortega

Let the records show that I was a fan of MANY looks on this red carpet (for anyone who dumps all over my harsh fashion dumping…say dump again) but this one stuck with me throughout this very professional fashion critique. Jenna is just twenty years old, a lil baby, and she’s crushing this very mature look. Great color for her skin tone and hair, minimal jewels so as not to take away from her ROCKIN bod. If I could go back in time to 20 years old I would also be poppin my midriff all over the joint. I’d smash my 20-year-old body in everyone’s grillpiece. Cause little known trade secret, your body just gets WORSE AND WORSE with each year that comes until eventually it’s a flabby and wrinkled outershell of what it used to be. Women should be required to take all of the nudes in their early twenties to document that shit. It’s all downhill from there! But I digress. CONGRATS ON YOUR ABS AND BEAUTY AND FASHION CHOICES, JENNA! Proud of you.

Standard
Red Carpet

AMA’s Red Carpet 2022

Gonna keep it real witchu, I thought FOR SURE these awards would have a Taylor performance or at the very least, appearance, and that is exclusively why I tuned in. I had to wait about an hour to even set my peepers on her when she won for Red (Taylor’s Version) and I rubbed my hands together in anticipation for a CLASSIC Taylor dose of acceptance speech truth. Never one to shy away from addressing the elephant in the room, I figured it was a guarantee we’d get a little tidbit about Ticketmaster exclusively ruining my life this week and crushing all of my dreams, even if she said it in a cryptic coded way like she’s known to do. And what did we get instead? NOTHIN. Just a bunch of boring thank you’s for Red. After that, my interest drastically plummeted, unlike the ticket prices for The Eras Tour on StubHub. Since I went through all the trouble of turning on the TV and looking at the “fashion” choices, figured the least I could do was roast them…even though there was absolutely no one noteworthy there. I mean even the host–Wayne Brady?! You serious, Clark? What is going on with awards shows lately that we can’t even drum up a big name celebrity to host, let alone attend.

PS She didn’t walk the red carpet because it would probably ruin her street cred since this awards show guest list was such a stinky loserfest…but she did look like a 70’s disco glam babe and this jumpsuit was backless, so clearly she observes Bovember (Backless November) like I once did in my fun youthful bar-hopping days (may they rest in peace.) You’re welcome for this ratchet TV screen pic.

WORST.

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.35.43 PM

STOP TRYING TO MAKE DENIM A THING, EVERYONE. My God I’m so sick of this tongue in cheek ode to Britney and the early 2000’s jown. We get it, the most HORRIFIC styles of the early aughts are back in style. Distressed denim, chunky belts, ginormous crosses reminiscent of True Faith by Ramona Singer and french tips. BARF ALL OVER ME. THIS DOESN’T MAKE YOU LOOK COOL IT JUST MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE 20 YEARS AGO PARIS HILTON WITHOUT THE SOCIALITE STATUS. Also those extensions immediately transported me to Laguna Beach circa 2005 when Kristin and all of her cronies got extensions for winter formal and it was the most obvious ratty clip-ons that they probably paid thousands of dollars for. Die away from me millennium trends.

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.32.45 PM

I truly don’t know what’s happening here. Did she tie a puffer jacket around her waist and tuck her front braids into it?

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.32.32 PM

I’m usually down with my girl Bebe shaking that dump truck all over the red carpet in a fitted gown but this is a G-D mess. Girl is a walking loofah.

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.33.36 PM

 I actually puked a little bit in my mouth when I saw Grey Suit’s hairy thighs. This is an appalling group outfit choice and it became even more jarring when they won and I had to see everyone’s thigh meat up close and personal on my 60 inch.

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.34.49 PM

Super weird grandma’s coffee-stained curtains/bodysuit combo but also I just want to put it out into the universe that I hate hate hate double hate LOATHE ENTIRELY the two toned hair trend. Why is half of your head red and the other half black? Pick a lane.

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.37.01 PM

Ah yes, my fave two pieces in the face hairstyle…there’s always one! Also this dress makes me dizzy.

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.38.07 PM

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 9.19.18 PM

This was the only look I had to include a rear view on because VIEW THAT REAR. Holy guacamole. Jessie. WE KNOW YOU HAVE A HOT BOD. WE KNOW THIS. I will never ever ever ever think a dress with a BUILT-IN WHALE TAIL is cute. Trashcan 101.

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.39.10 PM

MGK is such a worthless idiot I don’t even like giving him or his leech of a twin flame the time of day because all they want is for people to talk about them. This is the stupidest “look at me” outfit and I hope when he sat down one of his suit protrusions slid right up his buhhole.

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.38.19 PM

Not a good enough reason to lose the shirt.

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.39.46 PM

I do no support a Miami Vice look in November. Or ever from Charlie Puth.

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.32.11 PM

This is lowkey an ice dancer outfit.

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.40.11 PM

Host of the whole damn thing and he showed up in his jammies. He proved he DOES have fashion sense by popping off many spicy outfit changes throughout the show but YA GOTTA have a better fit for the carpet or you don’t deserve to host.

BEST

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.37.30 PM

RAWR this look is FIERCE.

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.37.09 PM

I dub these two the Leopard King and Queen of the night. They didn’t arrive together and have no affiliation other than great taste in animal print. Jimmie is WERKIN these pants, baby.

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.36.18 PM

Always jivin with a Barbie power suit. Could definitely do without the full teeter totter view but VERY happy to report that after the CMA’s red carpet slops yabfest, everyone took notes and this was the ONLY boobage I saw.

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.35.58 PM

I don’t think there is anything more adorable than this father/son matching pineapple top hairdo. Just some wholesome red carpet content with these two holding hands and looking adorbs.

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.35.12 PM

Very dazzled by this discoball two piece. Mostly I just want to see it in action. Give us a spin, girl! 

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.33.50 PM

Just the right amount of sheen for this country stud.

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.33.13 PM

Classic black mini without edgy cutouts, I APPROVE.

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.32.53 PM

I think this screenshot was an accident because I have no clue who these guys are but let’s go with it. I love the floral suit the best but all three look great and you can’t beat a geekburger wave at the camera pose to look the LEAST cool.

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.37.56 PM

Oh shit this is fresh. This is some Hamptons beach party crisp white vibes and I’m here for it.

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.39.34 PM

Pretty sure they wear the same exact thing to every awards show but I still want those luscious curls so they can get away with it.

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.44.34 PM

Great color and really economical use of the same fabric here.

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.45.01 PM

Listen if ya gotta show up to an awards show chock full of youths who have no clue who you are until you point out that Sofia is your daughter, ya gotta pull out all the stops and a smoking jacket like this with the chesties poking out is just that.

 

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

Obsessed with these colors, just the right amount of leggage and her hair is mermaid wave perfection. 10/10, Carrie.

Standard
Red Carpet

CMA’s Red Carpet 2022

HEY Y’ALL! We’re getting back into the groove of awards season, gearing up for a long winter of yours truly clothed in oversized sherpa-lined men’s flannels adorned with crumbs asking celebrities if they dared to look in a mirror before they left their mansion to walk this red carpet. An age-old tradish. If I may make a blanket judgment about last night’s event it would be: TOO MUCH BOOB. Let’s be a little more tasteful with our cleavage going forward, ladies. Or just take a page out of my book and exclusively wear baggie tees with no bra. Now that’s CLASS and I think everyone at the dog park where I regularly rock this look would agree. Slops Yabs or Bust.

WORST.

Screen Shot 2022-11-09 at 7.43.43 PM

This bitch took a spin in the drapes and walked out the door and I’m sorry but we cannot call this fashion. It’s what you do when you’re indecent and you have to walk by the window when the landscaping crew is outside, you wrap yourself in a sheet. And not for nothing but I always wonder when someone wears something like this do they ever think about how no one can walk within a 12 ft radius of them or they’ll be stompin all over their ridiculous flailing wispy dress bits? Counterpoint: if you hate someone and they wear something with a tail, all you have to do is stand on it to ruin their night. #DeepThoughtsWithJu

Screen Shot 2022-11-09 at 8.11.57 PM

Kicking off my bubby-hate for the evening, I just never ever feel like I need to see what someone’s underboob looks like up close and personal. This keyhole peep is far too girthy and so unnecessary. If that hadn’t set me off, I’d be down with this look but alas I see red when I’m getting knockers shoved in my grillpiece at a classy event. (Stay tuned for more ranting about this and a fun little game I like to call how many nicknames for breasts can I shove into this blog.)

Screen Shot 2022-11-09 at 8.09.49 PM

Usually Dierks slays with a trendy and funky-colored suit but I cannot climb aboard the ribbons, bows & embroidered flowers angle here.

Screen Shot 2022-11-09 at 8.06.07 PM

My general distaste for Lady A’s music (which all sounds exactly the same) may have bubbled over into their red carpet choices because my first thought was UGH they’re so boring. So obviously I’m being a real Judge Judy here. But also, bleh.

Screen Shot 2022-11-09 at 8.08.19 PM

I’ve kicked this blog off on a real snarky tone so we’re gonna go balls to the wall here and point out that you cannot have a hairline like Luke’s and not wear a hat. Your GO-TO move should be a cowboy hat. I’ll also accept trucker hat, which I think is what he’s usually sporting. No need to get fancy, Luke! If there’s any red carpet where headgear is welcomed with open arms, it’s every country awards show.

Screen Shot 2022-11-09 at 7.46.51 PM

These two are called Bunnie & Jelly Roll and I really don’t think I need to say much else here. Except maybe, sir are you lost? VMA’s were months ago.

Screen Shot 2022-11-09 at 7.46.01 PM

Is this a Vegas bachelorette pool party or the CMA’s cause bbgirl looks confused. Part 2 of 1000 of WE DON’T NEED TITS OUT FOR THE RED CARPET. I don’t care if you’ve got itty bitties or big honkers, I don’t discriminate on size, I just don’t want to see ’em.

Screen Shot 2022-11-09 at 8.06.42 PM

OMG DID YOU GUYS KNOW THAT KATY PERRY HAS BIG BOOTY BIG OLE YABBOS?! Cause I for one had no idea due to the fact that she definitely hasn’t been jamming them down our throats for the past 15 years. Katy, take your over the shoulder boulders and get lawst with this Britney denim knockoff. That was an OG magic red carpet moment that will never ever be recreated.

Screen Shot 2022-11-09 at 8.07.54 PM

Before I took a closer look I actually thought this was denim and I was also annoyed with Carrie for the same reason I just roasted Katy. Even though it’s not actually denim it’s still giving Britney vibes. Also it’s kinda just a smorgasbord of fabrics and I’m over it.

Screen Shot 2022-11-09 at 8.10.05 PM

You know I’ve had enough of my eyeballs getting poked out by nipples when I put my girl crush JJD on the worst dressed list but seriously ENOUUUUUGHHH with the boobs. I’m literally beginning to question if it was a requirement for your hooters to be busting out of your dress to even attend the CMA’s. This looks downright uncomfortable. Like, props to your plastic surgeon but we don’t really need proof that your hard as rock implants stand at full attention without any assistance. Y’all sick of my boob jokes yet? Too bad. I’m sick of getting poked in the eyeballs by them.

Screen Shot 2022-11-09 at 8.09.22 PM

Alright, 80’s Dad. Are those New Balances?

Screen Shot 2022-11-09 at 8.08.58 PM

This is like tacky lingerie and probably the least flattering dress I’ve ever seen Miranda rock. So there’s that.

Screen Shot 2022-11-09 at 8.10.26 PM

Oh, GREAT! MORE AREOLAS!!!!! JUST WHAT WE NEEDED!

Screen Shot 2022-11-09 at 8.12.15 PM

John looks like he went back to 2013 poppin tags with Macklemore at the Salv.

Screen Shot 2022-11-09 at 8.12.27 PM

This is a bellhop and/or Regal Cinema attire and you just CAN’T be strollin a red carpet lookin like this. ESPECIALLY when you’re hanging on by a thread in the country music world like Jake Owen is. How did not one person on his team look at this deep red smoking jacket and go, you’ll look like the help, dude, pick something else.

BEST

Screen Shot 2022-11-09 at 8.13.50 PM

I really went back and forth on this one. On the one hand, it’s giving REAL hardcore stripper vibes and it’s a scooch hypocritical of me to boob-shame and then allow a sequined leopard lace-up number to sashay right onto the best dressed list. On the other hand, LEOPARD. I love leopard so much and I don’t care who knows it, so THERE.

Screen Shot 2022-11-09 at 8.11.26 PM

Nice fall color, love the bow heels and WHAT WITCHCRAFT IS THIS SKINTIGHT SILK DRESS WITH NOT ONE CRINKLE OR FAT LUMP? I truly need the link to what kind of spanx/shapewear she’s slurped into because HOT DAMN I stared at this picture for an embarrassingly long amount of time trying to find one little panty line or even just the outline of her belly button and NOTHIN. Definition of fits her like a glove! (Also to stay on brand, full coverage on the tots would’ve been preferred, obv.)

Screen Shot 2022-11-09 at 8.08.30 PM

Everyone looks sharp except for the guy all the way on the right who looks like he borrowed his dad’s Sears double breasted jacket because he forgot the event was tonight. Not to put him on blast, but also, clean it up.

Screen Shot 2022-11-09 at 8.07.28 PM

I love how cocky Cole is that he wears a hat with his own initials on it. And also I just really want this suede number. Love a subtle bedazzled jacket.

Screen Shot 2022-11-09 at 8.06.30 PM

Lauren with the big hair. I LOVE IT! What a babe soda. Thomas looks alright, one time.

Screen Shot 2022-11-09 at 8.07.39 PMScreen Shot 2022-11-09 at 8.13.24 PM

IN ALL MY YEARS, I’ve truly never seen a Pete and Repeat on the red carpet at the same event. YOIKES this is embarrassing. I mean I imagine most stylists are on the same circuit because this faux pa NEVER happens but I really wish these two would’ve embraced this twinsie moment. One time I was at the bar and the girl next to me was wearing the same exact bright yellow floral top from TJMaxx and I elbowed her and said I see you’re a fellow maxxinista (obviously I was overserved) but we laughed and took a selfie. AND THAT’S how you handle who wore it better like a PRO. Sure, I’m not famous and I’m not wearing the same designer dress as someone who is infinitely more famous than me (literally don’t know the other girls name, sry not sry) but I WILL say, I love the color and they both look downright fabulous in it.

Screen Shot 2022-11-09 at 7.45.42 PM

Riley is kind of giving off grandpa vibes in this jacket which is fitting for having a hit about grandpas never dying but really I’m just loving on his arm candy’s classic nude.

Screen Shot 2022-11-09 at 7.43.53 PM

We love a red carpet pregnancy announcement in granny’s applique florals!

Screen Shot 2022-11-09 at 7.44.04 PM

If we’re being honest every single time I’ve seen a photo of Maddie and Tae in the past 5 or 6 years they’ve been around, I genuinely wonder if it’s the same two girls. They look different EVERY time I see them. But regardless of if we’ve gotten sub-in Maddie’s or Tae’s through the years, this black and white combo is FIERCE. The big bridal skirt paired with the dominatrix patent leather thigh highs? YES please!

Screen Shot 2022-11-09 at 8.06.20 PM

Might be ~*~controversial~*~ to say but this silver look is majestic.

Screen Shot 2022-11-09 at 8.06.52 PM

Wynonna looks like a disco ball! Get it girl, give us a spin!

Screen Shot 2022-11-09 at 8.08.40 PM

Normally I’d go IN on this turquoise-weighted velour flare-fest but you know what?! Get down with your bad self, Lainey! I’m a strong supporter of wearing an obnoxious trendy hat and usually I do so under circumstances that certainly do not warrant a brim that wide. Well babes, this is a circumstance that warrants a brim as wide as the red carpet. Hats off to you and your 600 precious metals weighing down your hands and neck.

Screen Shot 2022-11-09 at 8.08.05 PM

The men were a little disappointing tonight so I really savored this maroutfit with smoking slippers from country music’s resident racist hot mess.

Screen Shot 2022-11-09 at 8.12.51 PM

Reebsies knows what works and it’s a jewel tone to really emphasize that Red Ragtop.

Screen Shot 2022-11-09 at 8.11.36 PM

Luke ‘if it ain’t broke don’t fix it’ Bryan, ladies & gents.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

Screen Shot 2022-11-09 at 7.44.16 PM

A group award! SLAY Runaway June SLAYYYYYY. I love that they color coordinated and then popped OFF with their own emerald interpretations. The country girl belt mixed with chain heels, sparkles, feathers and a whole lotta leg! Look out, Carrie! These chicks know how to party.

Standard
Red Carpet

Emmys 2022

I gotta be honest I didn’t know the Emmys were last night until I did my typical dinner-time IG scroll and saw red carpet looks. I’m embarrassed to admit that but I like to always keep it real here and the truth is I think I’m getting too old for this shit?! These days Taylor Swift drops a brand new album announcement at midnight after an awards show that I finally realized I’ve aged out of (VMA’s) and I don’t know about it because I’ve been snug as a bug in a rug fast asleep since 10pm. I am ashamed that I’ve fallen off and I will spend this awards season clinging on for dear life. IT’S NOT MY TIME TO GO QUIETLY INTO THE NIGHT YET.

WORST.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.26.55 PM

I love mint as much as the next basic bitch but this pastel cupcake gown is TOO MUCH. It’s like when everyone in the 80’s thought it was chic to wear a hat and white gloves on their wedding day. The time has passed, bb.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.27.32 PM

This hair is unforgivable. Jean Smart looks great and has kept it TOIGHT, but my god is that an old lady updo. I can literally smell the aqua net just looking at this photo.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.27.45 PM

Oh honey, you get that on SHEIN? Use that free shipping code?

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.28.42 PM

I’m gonna be real contradictory when you get to the best dressed and see some white lewks on there but this screamed geekburger to me. I know he’s trying to be chic with his bleached hair and clear framed glasses but it’s all just making me wanna scream NERD. And black loafers to finish it off. Woof.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.26.26 PM

AH MY EYES! MY EYES!!!! This color is loud and puketastic to begin with and then a translucent human being was like lemme give it a try though, bet I can make it work. 

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.27.19 PM

What fresh hell is combining black tights & heels with a cream gown? And the JoAnn Fabrics flowers hot glued to it really are the pièce de résistance.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.30.24 PM

Alright Julia is trolling a fellow Julia here, right? Like this is a perfectly crafted prank for my red carpet blog. Setting up a BELLY BUTTON DIAMOND HOLE IN THE MIDDLE OF A DRESS. I repeat, A DIAMOND CUTOUT WITH THE BELLY BUTTON DEAD CENTER AS THE MAIN EVENT. ARE YA KIDDING ME, HOMEGURL? I literally cannot even begin to break down the rest of this outfit because BeLLy BuTtOn.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.32.01 PM

Oh get the hell out of here ole placemat over your shoulders lookin’ ass.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.32.30 PM

Those hard flares really threw me for a loop, I’m not gonna lie. And the tiny jacket.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.34.18 PM

I hated this when I first saw it and then it caught the light when she was onstage and the top loofah ruffle has a plastic shine to it and that reignited my hate.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.34.47 PM

This is a preschool ballet recital costume and you will never be able to convince me otherwise. Grow up, Kaley.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.18.03 PM

There is a time and a place for this outfit and that time is never and that place is nowhere.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.21.07 PM

It’s the v-neck of feathers for me, dawg.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.21.15 PM

I’ll give a million bucks to the person who can locate this good sir’s legs and/or ankles somewhere in this sea of pantaloon fabric.

Look, if your outfit compels me to google “pink outfit lady from Harry Potter” ya know it’s gonna be on the worst dressed list.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.13.50 PM

Peplum and tiered skirts need to DIE AWAY FROM ME because they are HIDEOUS.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.11.23 PM

No thanks to the pinned and curled hair and her cape/gown situation looks like a vagina. Sorry, not sorry.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.12.40 PM

Connie did us all REAL dirty by pulling those luscious locks out of sight. Gurlfrand, your hair is PERFECTION and you’re gonna hide it from us?! RUDE. Also, the dress and cape look cheap AF and we know Connie is TV royalty and will spare no expense for a red carpet look so this is really an off year for her.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.11.58 PM

Please scroll up and see my fury for peplum and tiered ruffles because THIS DRESS WENT AND DID BOTH. Puke city, population: me.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.49.04 PM

Black and white gowns will not hesitate to liken you to a killer whale even if you’re the skinniest person alive and I don’t know how no one has learned this yet. Also she’s about 4 inches from a belly button cutout and ENOUGH IS ENOUGH WITH THE MIDSECTION PEEPHOLES.

 

Not Worst But Also Not Best

I was conflicted on enough looks to create this fun middle category this time around. (AKA something pissed me off about each look to disqualify from best dressed, but they weren’t diamond belly cutout status.)

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.48.38 PM

This is super boring but she looks good. And LOLZ to the Kristin Cavallari 2004 black choker.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.31.51 PM

I would L-O-V-E this dress if it didn’t have a lumpy butt cape attached to it.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.30.54 PM

She looks good but we can definitely just snip snip that netting at the top because it is supes unnecessary. Also kinda would’ve respected her more if she showed up in a white button down with sloppy hair & red lip and spoke in the Elizabeth Holmes low octave monotone in her acceptance speech. 

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.30.45 PM

Very into the color of this dress and the way her boobs stand at attention perfectly as if she’s got a wax figurine rack. Very not into the slicked back bun and whatever jingle jangles were glued all over this dress.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.30.36 PM

This is kind of a bitchy post (what’s new) but if everyone is going to SLOBBER all over Zendaya and her fashion sense, wearing a plain black gown with a high pony is a real low-risk snoozeroni. Naturally she looks beautiful and you can’t go wrong with a classic black ball gown but also not impressed and I better not see ONE SINGLE think piece on Zendaya’s high brow fashion choices here.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.21.27 PM

She’s not posing at a great angle here but I’ve always had a “that’s enough” attitude toward unnaturally high slits. A rhinestone pony though? Hell yea, chick! My humble opinion on her look went right into the trash when she won and got up onstage and BELTED. Queen owned the stage and she can wear whatever the hell she wants.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.20.40 PM

I’m obsessed with a Barbie pink as much as the next Elle Woods but haven’t been a fan of the variations of matronly blazer dress that we’ve seen in this shade so far this year.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.17.46 PM

A Jessica Rabbit moment that would’ve KILLED with soft waves and WHY IS EVERYONE PULLING THEIR HAIR BACK HONESTLY MIDAS WHALE JUST WEAR A BASEBALL CAP IF WE’RE GOING TO KEEP SLICKIN IT UP.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.25.53 PM

SEE ABOVE HAIR RANT.

 

BEST

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.23.28 PM

God I hope this material is like shapewear and slurps it all in because I can’t even imagine having a midsection that cinched. Lily probably doesn’t eat cheese.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.23.56 PM

S’cute for Chris to bring his daughter and for that daughter to not ruin this special moment by dressing like a hooch. Supes heartwarming in this day and age.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.25.39 PM

Purple is having a moment right now ever since Miss Flo blew up Venice with a sassy poutfit so let’s all get down with this sparkle suit.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.27.10 PM

Obviously we need to address the areola(s) in the room first. I can really only see one, but I imagine both are peeking out. I encourage nipple coverage when there is flash photography involved but I’d be a real a*hole to throw this one away over a little highbeam situation. Dress, hair and red lip are stunning but maybe slap on some pasties next time.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.28.32 PM

Amy wears a basic primary color dress pretty much every year (much like Reese) and still looks like a babe soda so I accept.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.29.05 PM

Ooh YES I live for a coordinated handbag moment.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.26.43 PM

Chessie is an American Treasure and she could’ve worn a curtain from the parlor of the East Wing with a bejeweled belt and a seashell clutch and I’d still bow down. Cause that’s what she did. But damnit if she’s PULLING IT OFF.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.30.17 PM

Love the colors of this dress and the longsleeve curveball. Plus ever since I unfollowed Chrissy on all social media, I’ve become much less hostile toward her. 

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.29.21 PM

Don’t know what the hell this side tie is but it’s working for him.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.32.44 PM

I mean, come on. It’s actually unfair how hot she looks. DAYUMMNNNNNNN.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.33.58 PM

This is a restitution pick. For the almost 8 years (yoikes) that I’ve had this blog, I’ve ripped apart Maggie Gyllenhaal on the red carpet each and every time. And it’s time for me to throw her a frickin bone. She looks good here. Her brother is still a butthole and I’ll remember it all too well forever, but Maggie, good job.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.34.37 PM

Reese kills it every time but I’m loving this little spice in the dress pattern. Get down with your bad self, Reese, branching out from the plain gown.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.35.01 PM

I am mesmerized by this dress. It’s not the most flattering shape but I can’t stop staring at it. Really wish I could get my digits on it for a pet cause I gotta know what the texture is like. What it looks like is a hard shell that she’s clunking around and we really should be allowed to just show up to the red carpet and get a grab in for research purposes.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.35.37 PM

Can’t explain it. Don’t know why. But this look is doing it for me. He’s essentially wearing the black version of the outfit that I roasted on Seth Rogen but WHAT A DIFFERENCE color and a cool sexy stare with tousled hair makes. Oh yeah you put that hand in your pocket, Adam.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.16.45 PM

Equally as into the nude and black combo. Basically the next portion of this list is just me horning it up over men’s fash.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.21.55 PM

Andrew’s giving off real Malibu Barbie hits Hollywood vibes in this casj cream suit.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.11.30 PM

Host of the show got the purple memo.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.11.49 PM

Sexy lil snakeskin coat.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.11.39 PM

Again, TOTAL CONTRADICTION cause Seth in this trend is yucky, but Cousin Greg looks suave as hell and I don’t even care that he tossed on black shoes with a whoutfit. 

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.13.06 PM

SERVING that pattern.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.12.56 PM

Bob was literally at death’s door like 4 months ago and he’s really lookin chic here.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.12.24 PM

GORGE.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.12.15 PM

This man wears a classic black tux like nobody’s biz.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.12.08 PM

Wooooo buddy, the cast of Ted Lasso sure knows how to dress.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.13.14 PM

V. flattering style and just enough pizazz not to make it boring. The queen of TV really nailed it.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

I guess I’ve matured out of the days when my sister and I would see a brown outfit and call it a poop suit because Quinta was the clear winner of the night for me. Not only am I a fan of Abbott Elementary and was excited when she won, but my girl ate that. (For those of you OLDS, that’s what the kids these days say when someone looks good, according to my sources.) Makeup and hair on point, coordinated shoes and jewels, plus a leg moment and I’m very captivated by that candy wrapper shiny texture on the bodice. Top to bottom beaut.

Standard
Red Carpet

Met Gala Red Carpet 2022

We’re back for another rendition of everything that’s douchey about Hollywood. An elite guest list, a theme, and a red carpet for pretty much no reason. IT’S THE MET BALL, BB’s! And this year we’re sWiTcHiNg things up on The Salty Ju. Instead of doing the classic best and worst dressed list, we’re going to stick it to these b*holes who get invited to this EXCLUSIVE red carpet by Anna Wintour herself and show up wearing whatever the F they want. As someone who dresses exceptionally well for a theme, it really grinds my gears when people blatantly disrespect it and decide they’ll look better in their own thing. So this year, we’re rewarding the rule followers, and honestly this was an eye opening experience as I was sorting, to come to the realization that almost NO ONE adheres to miss Anna’s very specific dress code. Between you and me, Ms. Wintour, I’d be doing a personal door check and bouncing anyone who went rogue. Oh, you want free booze and an A-list gift basket? Read the invite and dress appropriately, homeslice. But I digress. According to Vogue, this year’s theme is: “In America: An Anthology of Fashion,” with the dress code being gilded glamour and white tie. Channeling the time period between 1870 to 1890, the event “will ask its attendees to embody the grandeur—and perhaps the dichotomy—of Gilded Age New York.” Let’s rock n roll with these snobby anti-themers.

WHAT IS A THEME?! I’m FAMOUS!

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.20.22 PM

Kicking things off is Hailey Bieber in the ever popular with her age group, silky slip dress, nips perked. Is she having a very dramatic moment with the feathers and the wind? Sure! Is she on theme? Sure isn’t.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.09.01 PM

This fair gent is wearing what looks to be a Goodyear on his head. Cars didn’t exist in the Gilded Age. They were still buggying around with horses and shit. I rest my case.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.07.57 PM

Apparently this woman is an actress in the show entitled “The Gilded Age.” It really can’t get anymore straightforward than that. And yet, she interpreted the theme into THIS. Her hair is very on point. Her gold leafy nudity, not so much.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.06.48 PM

Dude is so committed to the bit of being a 70’s smooth operator that he spit directly in the face of Anna Wintour by wearing the exact same wrong decade getup that he wore to the Grammys. The disrespect is so real. Take that stupid wig and sing your story walkin, Anderson.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.06.36 PM

Oh alright, bud! Head to toe peptol bismol! I guess that’d be approps if you were heading to a medicine cabinet themed party. But alas…

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.06.19 PM

He gets famous for wetting the bed back in the 90’s, makes a comeback as the snarkiest Roy sibling and now suddenly he’s got a 2 kewl for school attitude? Get lawst.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.07.21 PM

I am very perplexed by this getup. It tells about 10 stories in one. Auto shop employee meets mid-century prince dismounting his horse? Did he for reals tuck what looks to be scrubs into riding boots? Don’t answer that. 

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.03.38 PM

This walking octo-condom did not understand the assignment. 

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.03.23 PM

This is what KILLS me. She was the leading charge of the Gilded Age last year. Bridgerton was a hit sensation and she was serving all of the pristine looks (save for those horrific micro bangs) and HERE WE ARE. YOU GET PAID TO WEAR THE PERFECT OUTFITS FOR THIS RED CARPET AND YOU JUST WANTED TO LOOK HOT AND SHOW EVERYONE YOUR BOD, ADMIT IT!

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.03.11 PM

Another common theme I found is that celebrities heard Gilded Age and immediately went, ah yes, Flapper! Cause you know, the 1870-1890 somehow equals 1920. Hand up, I did have to google this because my history knowledge has been edged out by useless pop culture trivia. And apparently the Gilded Age can extend all the way to 1920. So they’re not COMPLETELY wrong. But also, there was a clear time cutoff and it was before the 1900’s, soooo, still no.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.04.27 PM

Everyone hates you and showing up off theme and wearing F off shades and telling everyone you’re just here to drink MEANS YOU SHOULD NOT BE THERE. Ugh. Don’t get me started on this asshat.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.04.00 PM

Cute! Love the color coordination. But not gilded.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 8.57.04 PM

A sparkly hood! Fun! But off theme AF.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 8.56.26 PM

Another flapper.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 8.57.57 PM

Get it, you flamenco queen, you! (somewhere else because you can’t follow instructions.)

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 8.58.17 PM

I’m just gonna wear black and look hot. K, bub.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 8.57.22 PM

Beautiful! A spring dream! For any other red carpet but this one.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 8.58.44 PM

Vanessa Hudgens has been a real sex machine on the red carpet this past year. She’s looking like a hot tamale but I don’t see how lacy nipz would’ve been acceptable at a time when women weren’t allowed to be in a room alone with a man unless they were married. Just a hunch.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 8.59.16 PM

Classic black pantsuit. Totes wouldn’t fly in the corset so tight you can’t sit down days.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.43.30 PM

Dakota was clearly like I just want to shimmy my tassels all over the carpet in this cool jumpsuit. Shimmy back to the limo.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.42.31 PM

More nips, more black.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.42.09 PM

Did Kylie Jenner just invent the type of veil I’ll wear at my wedding should a man ever want to marry a girl who wears a backwards hat at her wedding?! Yeah she really did. Ain’t nothin gilded about that though.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.41.32 PM

Oh, uh huh. Yep. Eskimo dominatrix for sure. WHAT DID SHE SEE ON THE INVITE TO INVOKE THIS?!

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.41.25 PM

I am too stunned to make a comprehensive snarky comment to this. What on God’s Green Gilded Earth are we looking at here?

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.41.09 PM

Season 2’s Bridgerton darling. Again, babed up a storm during the season, caught herself a foine-ass man with all of her beautifully bright gowns, and felt the need to show us what was hiding underneath those gowns on the red carpet. THE QUEEN WOULD NOT APPROVE.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.39.17 PM

Peek-a-Boo! It’s another defying the theme look.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.36.27 PM

WE DID GOTH ALREADY, KARLIE.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.36.11 PM

Haven’t done dominatrix yet but apparently the Hadid sisters felt that since they’re supermodels, they could just adhere to their own rules.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.34.05 PM

No. Just no.

 

The “I’ll just wear gold or silver” Crowd

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.36.44 PM

Kim bleached her hair and is wearing one of Marilyn Monroe’s dresses. Oh, honey. Please.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.37.08 PM

These people aren’t being called out directly because an effort was made. They heard gilded and went literal. And that’s obviously much better than going hot pink tuxedo or plain ole awards gown. So we’re giving them halfsies points. Megan looks fierce as hell in these gilded wings.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.37.51 PM

I will not award any points to this Tiger King garbage though. Let me make that clear.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.38.22 PM

Disney star who has pretty much no business being there and she wears a gold bra. BOLD.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.40.00 PM

We’ve got a Jessica Rabbit in gold moment happening here. Stopping at the choker of cherub wings would’ve been fine.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.40.17 PM

I realize I said that we’re giving this group half points but that only applies to the “gilded” looks. Anyone who heard the theme and just chose silver or sparkly doesn’t have a brain and that’s obvious. They are not the same. One is silver and the other’s GOLD.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.38.47 PM

Also this is pastel yellow so nice try and IS KRIS JENNER CHANNELING JACKIE O?! What the hell were Kim and Kris going for here?!

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.41.45 PM

GILDED NIPPLES!

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.41.56 PM

Those waist training days really paid off for the Kardashian clan! This dress is theme-adjacent and out of their whole goon squad who showed up, Khloe nailed it the best.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.42.18 PM

Bonus points for this looking like the most uncomfortable gown on this planet. Just draped in gold chains. We’re getting warmer, folks.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.42.56 PM

Lots of regal boob accents at the Met Ball. I imagine double sided tape was working overtime last night. A modern Gilded Age would be AFLUSH with flesh, clearly. (I know, I need to put myself down for a nap.)

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.42.45 PM

I’ve made this reference recently on a red carpet but when you get a head to toe metallic look, you can’t help but think of Zenon’s #1 popstar crush Prota Zoa. Cole’s got everything but the silver spiky hair. Galaxy theme, bruh.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 8.55.55 PM

Silver flapper with 70’s flair! But not 1800’s Gilded.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.21.21 PM

That is a gold-embossed Queen jacket.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 8.59.44 PM

Flap-Flap-FLAPPER

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.03.48 PM

She looks stunning and the best of all the Gold beauties!

The Girls Who Get It, Get It (CONGRATS TO THESE THEMESTERS)

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.33.45 PM

Here we are! We’ve made it! We went through nearly 40 blatant theme disrespecters to keep our eye on the prize. Corsets and petticoats and head pieces, oh my! I will say one thing that I know for sure from my vigorous research (binging seasons 1 and 2 of Bridgerton the minute they dropped) nothing screams 1800’s more than knockers literally being pressed up into a woman’s chin. Corsets are great at shutting down that rib cage and creating an unattainable waist to hip ratio, but ALL THAT FLAB GOTTA GO SOMEWHERE AMIRITE?! Did you really tie your midsection so tight you can’t breathe unless your areolas are scraping your eyebrows? No you did not. Well done, Billie.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.38.58 PM

Lady Whistledown could’ve served a hell of a more accurate outfit than this but at least she outshined her counterparts. WHERE ARE THE DRAMATIC UPDO CURLS?! And the yellow dress?! I’m guessing she never wants to don another yellow dress for as long as she lives. This is edgy LW.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.43.18 PM

I think I’ve just gotten to the point where I see a head piece and I’m like yeah she’s doing it. That’s the theme even though she kinda just looks like Miss Cleo.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 8.57.41 PM

Really didn’t need a full hand pose for his coordinated mani but the double layer jacket has a Prince Charming “may I get a slot on your dance card” babeness to it. Take me for a twirl, Shawn.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.07.00 PM

The top of this getup looks like something one would wear to bed in the 1800’s so yeah it counts. Turning it into a crop is SO 2022. God I hate this year. Also not for nothing but is she alive? LMK.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.08.32 PM

Good work Ansel, looking like a straight up castle servant.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.07.34 PM

CHECK OUT THAT HEADPIECE. That’s it. Nothing about this near cooch slip dress is Gilded. But that frisbee on her head says it all.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.05.37 PM

Pretty sure she’d be burned at the stake for wearing this back in the day but I LOVE it. She’s rocking that “The British are Coming” bedazzled coat. 

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.03.00 PM

Down with this updated flair on the ole classic. We’ve still got full coverage and a corset but we’re having fun with it, ya know?! Lime green heels, jazzy feathers and diamonds, darling. How Parisian of her.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.04.39 PM

I think we can all comfortably assume why everyone ignores the theme each year when the host of the damn party barely even follows it. I’ve talked shit on Anna before and I don’t care who knows it. Each year I’ve covered the Met red carpet, I’ve come for Anna. She wears what she wants to wear. Obviously, she’s the top of the chain in fashion…so she can. But don’t throw a theme party every year, make a BFD and then wear the same color palette and style of a dress year after year. TAKE A RISK, ANNA. Technically because she’s wearing a tiara she’s “on theme” but the rest of this is her same old shit. I’m WATCHING YOU ANNA WINTOUR.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.05.01 PM

I love that she basically took a nightgown and turned it into a showstopper of a dress just by making it lime green.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 8.56.49 PM

It’s the fan. I’m telling you props are EVERYTHING. Surprisingly Kacey was the only attendee to be tossing that shade around and that would be the very first thing I purchased if I were attending this event. Cool ass fan and cool ass dome piece. Anyway, the rest of this firework situation is giving me very sixties vibes.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 8.55.21 PM

Ok so here’s where I got confused. I saw these next two looks first and immediately assumed the theme was New York City. I guess this falls into the “New York” part of the Gilded Age which no one else seemed to tackle. Alicia Keys with the NY skyline on her cape is such a badass move and I’d be swishing that cape all over the joint.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 8.54.54 PM

My queen. My first girl crush. And I guess Ryan too, whatever. Blake explained the back story to her look and I literally lost track of all the NYC references it has. She’s got the statue of Liberty and Empire State Building and she lost me when she started describing how the number of diamonds in her crown reflected the continents or some shit. Either way, it was obviously very meticulously designed and she looks like Miss New York. I’m obsessed. (This doesn’t take much as she posted a photo of herself wearing overalls a week ago and captioned it “Overall…it was a good day” and I was first and foremost mad at myself for never captioning one of my overall pics with that clever play on words and secondly it further confirmed that she is my soulmate.)

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 8.55.09 PM

A wet dream for Carrie Bradshaw, an event where headpieces are the most welcome. Let us all have a moment of silence for the bird from her original wedding where she got abandoned at the altar. Carrie invented fabulous headwear and yes I KNOW that SJP and Carrie aren’t the same person but I’ve been watching a lot of SATC and just let me have this moment, ok? And just like that, I learned, the higher the hat, the closer to the Empire State Building. Ok, I’m done. I’m putting myself in timeout.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 8.55.40 PM

Morticia and Gomez over here are giving me the willies but technically I guess they’re following the rules even though it’s nightmare fuel.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 8.56.09 PM

A table top skirt and bonus points for originality because she’s the only one who tackled a shapely gown. I’m sure she immediately regretted it after reaching the end of the red carpet and not being able to sit down but FASHION IS PAIN.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.00.10 PM

This dress is making curtains and tablecloths look chic as hell. 

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.00.45 PM

If mansion wallpaper were a dress. Love it so much.

Screen Shot 2022-05-02 at 9.00.31 PM

A chair of the evening, and Mister NY himself via Hamilton, Lin played it safe and kept it very on theme with this Gilded formalwear.

 

And that’s all she wrote, folks. No best dressed award of the evening because it’s not a fair fight when 90% of the attendees just pick something out of their closet the day of. Maybe if Anna led by example and we got a little bit more crackdown of outfit judging at the entry points, people would take this seriously. Even though May is the month of ME, I’m willing to take some time off and zip on a train down to the city next year to help out with this. I’ve got a mean resting bitch face and I won’t have any problem telling celebs to march on back to their penthouse and throw on something more appropriate or I’ll take all of the photographers off of the red carpet for them SO HA.

Standard
Red Carpet

CMT Awards Red Carpet 2022

Alas, an awards show with music I’m actually familiar with and don’t feel too old, washed up or uncool to consume! Can always count on the trusty ole CMT Awards to inject the true spirit of Nashville into our veins with a side of sparkles.

WORST

Screen Shot 2022-04-11 at 8.34.34 PM

Honestly this isn’t the worst but I’m putting them on here out of spite. I get that they’re a group but unless they’re N*SYNC at the VMA’s circa early 2000’s wearing coordinated outfits, they’re ALL SEPARATE PEOPLE AND THEIR OUTFITS SHOULD BE JUDGED AS SUCH. Stop only releasing a foursome photograph from the red carpet. I don’t have time to crop a pic and drop half of them on the worst and half of them on the best. For instance, the left side of this photo (the blondes) would get razzed for the puffy sleeves and Dorothy stripper heels and the what appears to be Jaclyn Smith linen leopard top for middle-aged women. While the right side (the brunettes) would get kudos for looking chic as hell. See? Exhausting. Pose separately next time or you’re getting CUT FROM THE LIST…

FOR-EV-ER.

Screen Shot 2022-04-11 at 8.40.21 PM

Not everyone can pull off the long hair, babes. Clean it up.

Screen Shot 2022-04-11 at 8.33.49 PM

Bold of the guy who made a career off of making fun of other celebrities to show up to a red carpet lookin like ole hipster Indiana Jones headass.

Screen Shot 2022-04-11 at 8.39.10 PM

What in the actual fuck am I looking at here? Riddle me this, on top of the mish mash of fabrics…what’s the point of tucking each pant leg into the cowboy boot differently? Is there really someone who is like WAIT!!! Tuck the black cargo pant in up high so you can see more of the boot and the denim can have a tapered jogger effect right around the ankle. PERFECTION!

Screen Shot 2022-04-11 at 8.38.42 PM

KEWL! A LITE BRITE! How these guys became famous for giving makeovers is beyond me.

Screen Shot 2022-04-11 at 8.39.31 PM

Head to toe this is an outfit straight out of 2009 and it sent a shiver right down my spine. Leggings, pointy pumps, and the big booty big ole chunky belt that serves absolutely no purpose but to give me sweaty flashbacks to a permanent underboob indentation because I pulled that bitch as tight as it would go and slapped it over every piece of clothing I owned.

Boy oh boy do I wish someone would’ve told me to give that black Miss Trunchbell belt a rest that year. (Realistically I bet my sister did a number of times and I just rolled my eyes at her and told her it was fashion and she didn’t understand because she was still wearing men’s clogs from American Eagle with flare jeans on the reg.)

Screen Shot 2022-04-11 at 8.31.43 PM

Jason. Jase. J-Money. You couldn’t have possibly looked at your wife with a straight face and not asked if this was a Halloween costume. WHO THE HELL WEARS THIS IN PUBLIC?! And more importantly, who the hell marries a man who doesn’t tell you when you look ridiculous?! God forbid I ever lock someone down but I’d divorce their ass RULL quick if he looked at me and was like lookin good, babe. Give me a man who laughs directly in my face when I look stupid or give me spinster status. And a SHOULDER BOW?! REALLY? 

PS unrelated but the color of her feet are why spray tans should be illegal. How we as a society have shamed women for using tanning beds but the “healthy” alternative is spraying their bod a different color and making *just* their hands and feet look like they were dipped in chocolate is criminal. IT’S 2022 THERE HAS TO BE A BETTER WAY TO GET BRONZED.

Screen Shot 2022-04-11 at 9.51.26 PM

(Forever bringing everything back to me) I’ve gotten like 3 spray tans in my life and I still haven’t figured out how to prevent this mildly offensive black face*

*hand. 

Screen Shot 2022-04-11 at 8.31.57 PM

Love Ryan’s pink suit…goes without saying that I hate Maren’s outfit. Have I had a grudge against her pretty much ever since she hit the scene and strutted all over Keith Urban’s stage in hot pants? Sure have. But even I can be a bigger person from time to time and admit when she’s killin a look. Unfortch, this doesn’t occur often. If this skirt wasn’t basically a mermaid tail, I’d be ok with this look.

Screen Shot 2022-04-11 at 8.30.24 PM

Keep your enemies back to back on the worst dressed list is what I always say. Miranda’s been dead to me since she left Blake and started homewreckin all over the joint. Can’t stan a country music hooch and errebody knows it. And coincidentally, hooch pretty much sums up this dress for me.

Screen Shot 2022-04-11 at 8.35.42 PM

WHOA BABY my eyes have been assaulted by each half of this coups. Guess that means these two are soulmates in tacky fash? Typically I’d be razzle dazzled by this sparkle suit but I am DROWNING in his chest hair. Never have I ever wanted to see chest pubez porking out of a wife beater on a red carpet. And the gold chain. What are you in Goodfellas? When you’re done gasping at the goomba on the left, rollerskate on over to Miss 70’s velour leisure suit on the right. My lanta it’s BAD.

Screen Shot 2022-04-11 at 8.35.10 PM

CMT Awards or Middle School Dance? What fresh hell is this loofah madness with neon plastic jewelry most certainly from Claire’s?!

Screen Shot 2022-04-11 at 8.34.52 PM

The scrunchie high pony is the best part about this booger suit.

Screen Shot 2022-04-11 at 8.37.57 PM

Let’s just allow this unflattering as hell denim dress speak for itself. And I’ll speak for it as well because I just can’t help myself: DENIM IS UNFORGIVING AND SHOULD NEVER BE A SKINTIGHT DRESS. And rhinestone denim boots…those really do speak for themselves.

Screen Shot 2022-04-11 at 8.36.24 PM

Nothing says Nash Vegas like a poop-colored gown and 10 gallon hat. Pray tell, are those supposed to be spurs on her metallic heels?

Screen Shot 2022-04-11 at 8.32.44 PM

I don’t know that I’ll ever get on board with this sheer curtain dealio. Sorry for being a prude but it looks like a nightie that you wear on your wedding night when you lose your virginity as we ladies do (wink.)

BEST

Screen Shot 2022-04-11 at 8.30.43 PM

RAWR. Carrie combined my favorite color and my favorite animal print so she’s good in my book, y’all. (If you look close, I believe she also perfectly coordinated her mani and I damn near almost fainted at that discovery. Truly a girl after my own heart.)

Screen Shot 2022-04-11 at 8.30.58 PM

Having a hard time understanding how the chick who was Covid Positive and hosted via teleconference from her home got a red carpet pic and looks this snatched. (Did I use that term right, youths?) It’s like Jesus resurrecting. Kelsea’s like SURPRISE Y’ALL, COVID-who!? And then apparently went right back to her home where she mailed in her duties from the comfort of her living room.

Screen Shot 2022-04-11 at 8.32.12 PM

Can’t go wrong with classic black/silver and a wife half your age. ZING.

Screen Shot 2022-04-11 at 8.32.30 PM

Taylor looks sauve AF, could take or leave the lava lamp disco ball on his arm.

Screen Shot 2022-04-11 at 8.33.05 PM

I love the shit out of Wynonna taking a backseat to her flashy as hell mom. Also the fact that I had to google if that was her sister or her mom because **plastic surgery**.

Screen Shot 2022-04-11 at 8.33.20 PM

The suit he wore onstage was 100x cooler IMO but I guess he decided to play it safe for the carpet. It’s a classic but I wish he went with this bold patriotic zoot suit for the carpet as well:

Screen Shot 2022-04-11 at 10.37.54 PM

Screen Shot 2022-04-11 at 8.33.33 PM

Elegance and class from head to toe! I love everything about this.

Screen Shot 2022-04-11 at 8.35.57 PM

Diggity down for the pop of red.

Screen Shot 2022-04-11 at 8.38.14 PM

His signature plain baseball cap to hide the baldz and is that a fire flames coat?! I approve.

Screen Shot 2022-04-11 at 8.38.27 PM

Brownie points for an eggplant suit but honestly I’ve never seen a worse host. I realize he stepped in to cover for Kelsea but my lord what a monotone voice on this fella. Let’s only give him a mic if he’s gonna sing into it from now on, mmk?

Screen Shot 2022-04-11 at 8.39.44 PM

What a wittle teddy bear of a babe soda. A perfect combo of casj & fance.

Screen Shot 2022-04-11 at 8.39.58 PM

I’ve always been on the outskirts of the Carly Pearce fandom. I followed her hasty union with Michael Ray and abrupt divorce soon after but after seeing her SASS on all over the stage singing a song about how she’s keeping the diamond after a breakup I wanted to shout YAS KWEEN into a megaphone. The drama she delivered should have Michael Ray shakin in his boots. Also she looks like a bombshell. This is Carly’s year. Get it gurl.

Screen Shot 2022-04-11 at 8.40.35 PM

That jacket is cool as cool gets. PULLING IT OFF.

Screen Shot 2022-04-11 at 8.41.37 PM

I saw Breland live and he’s the cutest little ray of sunshine I’ve ever laid eyes on. He’s just happy to be here and I dig that energy. Even dressed as an asparagus I can’t throw shade at him. Look at that megawatt smile.

Screen Shot 2022-04-11 at 8.42.03 PM

I cannot get past JJD’s legs. Like I honestly don’t even really love the dress but my jaw is permanently on my living room carpet from these damn stems giving Carrie a run for her money.

Screen Shot 2022-04-11 at 8.42.30 PM\\

I always love a fun dazzling party frock. The dubz peace sign can kick rocks.

Screen Shot 2022-04-11 at 8.43.03 PM

Nelly’s been dressing like a G-D goon since the dawn of time. If it ain’t broke don’t fix it, country grammar. I’m mostly just impressed by how strong a neck he must have to carry that pendant that’s probably equivalent to wearing a dumbbell on a chain. (If this was Ludacris I could quote my fave lyric of all time “feels like a midget is hanging from my necklace.” But I don’t want to disrespect Luda by hinting that the man can be outshined by a reckless medallion.)

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

GOES TO A COUPLE! The subtle spring color coordination between these two made me gasp. They are perfect little preppy angels and Lauren’s fresh glow didn’t come from Zoom Tan so bonus points for that. I mean that mint jacket and her mint heels. WOO BABY. We really need spring to get here quick, I’m getting a head rush just from some florals and pastels.

Standard
Red Carpet

Grammys Red Carpet 2022

WOWOWOW b2b awards shows what a treat for us all! Unfortunately no one was bitch slapped at this one, but you can’t win em all. If you had bets on how soon the slap was addressed, you CAN win them all because it only took 21 mins for a “stay in your seats” joke. God love awards shows and their low hanging fruit comedy. Now onto my low hanging fruit of jabs about the fabrics everyone chose to adorn themselves in.

WORST.

Screen Shot 2022-04-03 at 8.55.43 PM

Am I being punk’d? Where’s Ashton? Since when is playing dress-up in Shaq’s suit paired with LITERAL moon boots, FASHION?! Tossing the hot pink beanie and Men in Black shades on top of that are really just the sprinkles on this cupcake of a shithole outfit. Hailey, you’re good. Justin, see yourself out.

Screen Shot 2022-04-03 at 8.14.57 PM

Oh, no bbgurl. Mixed media with the exotic prints? Everyone knows the steadfast rule…pick ONE zoo animal to rep on the red carpet. And HIP gems?! Uh-uh.

Screen Shot 2022-04-03 at 8.40.20 PM

Not only is this look terrifying but I watched 2 minutes of the E red carpet and those whole two minutes consisted of Laverne saying “you are amazing” to Avril Lavigne on repeat like a robot that’s malfunctioning. I cringed all the way out of my skin. Can we PLEASE start doing tryouts for red carpets cause not everyone has the skills to quickly converse with a celeb, get a juicy lil soundbyte then wrap it up and toss it to someone else. “Hey Avril, great to see you, what do you think about the urban legend that you died 10 years ago and someone has been impersonating you? Are you the real Avril? Prove it.  Ok well then who are you wearing? You look fabulous, have a great night, back to you, Ryan!” BOOM. THAT IS HOW IT’S DONE. (For the right price I can be available, E!) My God these red carpets have gotten embarrassingly bad. 

Screen Shot 2022-04-03 at 8.47.08 PM

Hey, is this the Grammy’s? Am I in the right place? Yeah I was invited, here’s my invite, it was hanging on my fridge, good thing I remembered to grab it before I came. Anyway, where’d you guys park?!

PS Little Bites confetti flavor slap THE hardest.

Screen Shot 2022-04-03 at 8.34.18 PM

I’m sorry sir but are those CARGO pants?! Slap an Old Navy tech vest on with those bad boys and you’re ready to use that ample pocket room to store dino-shaped nuggs for a convenient snackie.

Screen Shot 2022-04-03 at 8.33.58 PM

Zenon girl of the 21st century when did you get here?! To be clear Zenon never would’ve been allowed to wear a see through dress featuring mint undies, she was barely even allowed to see Proto Zoa in concert. This caption will only be funny to my fellow elder millennials. Everyone else, invest some time in the Disney Channel Original Movies of the early aughts, they were the peak of entertainment. We Don’t Talk About Bruno could NEVER compare to Zoom Zoom Zoom, make my heart go Boom Boom Boom.

Screen Shot 2022-04-03 at 8.35.30 PM

Is Shaggy one-strapping his backpack on the way to Econ? If those glasses are telling us anything it’s that he does his homework every night. NERD. I razz hoard but I’m truly baffled by the casj approach that the men of the Grammys have taken. It’s literally like someone rolled a red carpet down the middle of a college campus. 

Screen Shot 2022-04-03 at 8.35.12 PM

This is a Carmen Sandiego look I CANNOT get behind. HOW BIG IS THAT HAT?! What are you, Turd Ferguson?

turd-ferguson-burt-reynolds

Oh My Lanta! Pray for whoever had to sit beside (or directly next to) Elle. Or honestly even up in the nosebleeds. I think this hat had real estate all the way down the Las Vegas Strip.

Screen Shot 2022-04-03 at 8.29.54 PM

Speaking of Turd…Lotta poop colors in this dress and matching the heels to these poopy tones sent me right over the edge, tbh.

Screen Shot 2022-04-03 at 8.21.35 PM

There are SO many things happening here I don’t even know where to start. We’ve got a longsleeve layered under a kimono and y’all KNOW how much I hate a longsleeve underneath. It was forced upon me WAY too many times in elementary or middle school when I really wanted to wear a killer graphic tee but true to Central New York weather, it was 40 degrees in May. So yeah forgive me for being a little triggered by the bi-layer. Then we’ve got the chunky under-boob belt. Another trend that should’ve been set ablaze as it was happening. Finally, I’d be remiss not to mention the drawstring curtain ruched sleeves. I wish we could close the sleeves on this whole outfit. ZING. (I know that joke stinks. Guess who doesn’t care? THIS GAL.)

Screen Shot 2022-04-03 at 8.29.02 PM

Oh no, oh no, oh no no no (plz sing in annoying TikTok voice) Maren will never quit with the check out my goodies looks at awards shows. I don’t need to see your lace bra to know you’re hot. This outfit is white trash as hell. SNAKESKIN AND YOUR BRA ON DISPLAY?! Mind’s well have a pack of Marlboros tucked in that bralette. (Sure did google the phrase “White trash cigarette brand” for this on point caption. If you could only see the kind of shit I google when I’m blogging. I’d be Will Smith cancelled* for SURE.)

*For those of you that are unclear: “Will Smith Cancelled” means everyone would be outraged and annoyed at me for a couple of weeks, I’d issue a few generic notes app apologies on how I’m always improving and it’ll be back to business as usual in about a month.*

Screen Shot 2022-04-03 at 8.20.21 PM

Cooch. Hoo-ha. Flower. Twat. Penis Fly Trap. Whichever way you spin it, this dress is giving me total snatch vibes.

Screen Shot 2022-04-03 at 8.26.23 PM

I think we addressed this on the last red carpet blog but I obviously never got a response…what’s with the wiener flap? This one is extra long too…you know what that means! Just kidding, I don’t. What does it mean?

Screen Shot 2022-04-03 at 8.20.31 PM

WTF IS GOING ON WITH BILLIE’S NEW AESTHETIC?! Is she just log-rolling down a banquet table and tying a belt around whatever tablecloth fabric she collects along the way?

Screen Shot 2022-04-03 at 8.26.00 PM

No one can genuinely look at this outfit and not question if it’s a gag. It’s like a Blades of Glory ice dancer routine getup and is that her undies I see too?! Ladies, why would ANY of you want a sheer undercarriage moment?!

Screen Shot 2022-04-03 at 8.55.06 PM

I’m so beyond sick of these two and their stupid coordinated emo looks and their stupid slobbery tongue touching red carpet photos that I questioned whether I should even include them. And ultimately I did to serve as a PSA that we all need to stop trying to make small sunglasses happen. THEY’RE NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. My sister owned a pair of white sunglasses that swallowed half of her face at the time when Paris, Lindsay and Britney were wreaking havoc on the Beverly Hills Hotel bungalows and honestly I’d rather wear THOSE every day for the rest of my life than ever wear these tiny black shades that the Kardashian’s won’t quit.

Screen Shot 2022-04-03 at 8.29.36 PM

Giant bow. I rest my case. 

 

BEST.

Screen Shot 2022-04-03 at 8.14.23 PM

I’ve seen enough to know that we’re #blessed Lil Nas X didn’t show up in something more statement-making. Or you know, as a nude pregnant man. The pearls are v. wholesome.

Screen Shot 2022-04-03 at 8.55.20 PM

This is sleek and chic as hell.

Screen Shot 2022-04-03 at 9.04.08 PM

Gaga is the only celeb who can reinvent herself anytime she damn well pleases. Switching into her jazz/swing mode, Gagz showed up looking like an old classic Hollywood babe and gave us a world class tribute to her bestie Tony Bennett.

Screen Shot 2022-04-03 at 8.55.57 PM

Probably unpopular opinion but I love this. Lil Easter Peep of a host.

Screen Shot 2022-04-03 at 8.34.48 PM

Chels looks great and there’s not a doubt in my mind that Jo has lifts in his shoes to be taller than his girlfriend because I’d bet you double or nothing he’s a short king. PS I know this is splitting hairs but I’ll never be ok with men raw-dogging their dress shoes. Put a pair of socks on, you animal.

Screen Shot 2022-04-03 at 8.26.40 PM

Shocking absolutely everyone who knows me, I’m very into this Lloyd and Harry inspired matching suit look. As someone who went 30 years without ever setting eyes on the oft-quoted by frat boys lacking an intelligent sense of humor flick (Dumb and Dumber), I finally caved at the start of 2022 and watched it in full. And I’m happy to report I was right all along and I was missing absolutely nothing by refusing to see the movie for my entire life because I didn’t think it would be funny. It was not funny. “Our pets heads are falling off” is funnier when other people quote it than it was in the movie. The point of that tangent was to say that each bit from that movie is funnier when you see it done randomly out of context and wearing pastel double breasted suits to the Grammys with your fiance is 10/10 and they are PULLING IT OFF.

Screen Shot 2022-04-03 at 8.25.34 PM

Barbie: Grammy Edition. On POINT.

Screen Shot 2022-04-03 at 8.28.48 PM

Alright here’s the deal, I ripped Elle King for looking like Carmen Sandiego and then not 5 seconds later I saw Halsey and was like omg Carmen Sandiego, we stan. Does it make sense? Not really, but the conclusion I’ve come to is this: hat size is KEY in making something clown or cool. Elle is knocking out unsuspecting victims down in Texas with her wide brim, whereas Halsey’s dome piece almost needs a double take. Like oh, what’s that on her head, is that a hat?! The tilt is also a factor here. Tilt anything and it’s instantly chic. Plus she’s not in Ronald McDonald red. A subdued burgundy and tilted hat, CHEF’s kiss. Sorry, Elle. Dem’s da breaks.

Screen Shot 2022-04-03 at 8.21.50 PM

Paris is Paris and we’re always going to get sparkles and fingerless gloves. If it ain’t broke don’t fix it.

Screen Shot 2022-04-03 at 8.15.09 PM

I’ve flip-flopped a couple of times while looking at this one but ultimately I’m giving her the green light (wink.) It’s like the t-shirt you buy in any shore town with the bikini bod, but make it red carpet ready. Bold & sexy choice for someone who knows she’s about to sweep every category she’s nominated in. 

Screen Shot 2022-04-03 at 11.19.45 PM

Screen Shot 2022-04-03 at 8.27.27 PM

TiffTiff’s been giving us the razzle dazzle lately (these past two weeks) and I love it.

Screen Shot 2022-04-03 at 8.27.16 PM

Um, I’m sorry but did Donatella Versace get inspiration from the Lizzie McGuire Movie?! It wouldn’t be completely outlandish as Isabella IS an Italian pop star. The minute I saw this asparagus from head to toe, HEY NOW, HEY NOOOOOWWWW rang through my brain. Seems like even ole leather face has to turn to the greats for fashion advice from time to time. 

Isabella

Screen Shot 2022-04-03 at 8.21.21 PM

I wonder if Rachel actually got invited to the Grammys or if Twitter had to get her invited. Either way, she looks bomb.

Screen Shot 2022-04-03 at 8.21.01 PM

I’m turning a blind eye to the GIANT hideous butt bow because I love the bubblegum pink latex. It has taken me quite a while to warm up to latex because as with everything in life, Kim Kardashian shoved it down our throats and it made me hate the shit out of it. But this is fun and youthful and adorable and therefore I’m on board.

Screen Shot 2022-04-03 at 8.20.44 PM

Lenny Kravitz is dripping sex, drugs and rock n roll in this outfit and I can’t even explain why. He just is. 

Screen Shot 2022-04-03 at 8.29.21 PM

Sometimes Brandi goes a little TOO western and it’s like ok we get it, you’re one step away from having a piece of hay hanging out of your boca. But credit where credit is due, she’s werkin this bedazzled suit.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

I mean, Carrie is having a moment here and you can’t really deny it. No other looks from the red carpet slapped you RIGHT IN THE FACE like this one did. Even thought I’ve been off the Carrie-wagon ever since her dramatics around her face injury, she’s serving a whole goldilocks princess look here and y’all better recognize.

Standard
Red Carpet

Oscars Red Carpet 2022

We take what we can get for awards season now…this cold hard truth not only applies to the drought of red carpets nowadays but also the three raggedy ass hosts they cobbled together for this awards show. One, that I might add, operated perfectly fine without a host at all in previous years and no one even missed irrelevant comedians telling the obvious ‘Leonardo Dicaprio only dates younger’ jokes and terribly unfunny bits. And even though the job has been done by one or sometimes none, we had three women last night trying to entertain us and make us laugh and the show was painfully boring up until Will Smith cold cocked Chris Rock for making a joke about his wife being GI Jane (she is bald due to alopecia.) I only know that this happened because of Twitter. ABC cut the whole thing then everyone went ahead and kept it moving like dad didn’t just hit mom at the dinner table. Nothin like covering up a physical fight on live TV! But don’t worry, whoever Will Smith blew at the network continued to cover his ass when he accepted an award later on and proceeded to blubber onstage about protecting his family and the things we do for love. He got a REAL nice edit as we basically watched a screensaver instead of him snotting up all the boogs in a tight closeup. They also allowed him to basically word vomit and slobber for as long as he pleased without playing him off. So here’s the deal…if we’re going to be deprived of awards shows, the few that we get better have as much drama as an episode of Below Deck and the next time a network tries to cut out and cover it up, heads are gonna roll. GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT. Anyway, here’s how everyone dressed for the celebrity smackdown of ’22.

WORST.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 8.10.48 PM

It’s the puffy sleeves and black lace gloves for me. Also sweet black briefs.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 8.12.14 PM

Did she for realsies tie the top of her dress like it’s a dog poop bag full of turds?

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 8.19.07 PM

WHAT IN THE GOTHIC HELL IS THIS, MAGGIE?! Magpie played it real safe at the SAG’s only to show up at the biggest red carpet stage with hieroglyphics pinned all over her damn body.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 8.19.27 PM

We are an excited wave away from those knockers bustin through for a meet and greet.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 8.11.09 PM

I very much love Billie’s hair. Neon green should never be a color choice for luscious locks and I’m so glad she’s gotten herself out of that alien silk jammies and two-toned hair phase. hOwEvEr…wrapping yourself in a table skirt is no bueno. We’ve still got some work to do hun-nay.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 8.10.14 PM

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Mr. Superior Thinkin over here had the AUDACITY to grace a red carpet after he was dragged for 10 whole minutes in November and never even acknowledged it?! GET. LAAAAWWWWST. You think you’re too cool for the Oscars? You don’t need to dress up? Just go casj because you grew up in a silver spoon gated community? Those shoes organic? Boy, bye.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 8.09.34 PM

I mean we get it, Megan, you got a body that won’t quit. But I’d still like to see you in something that’s doing a lot less. You can still show off those stemz of yours tastefully.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 8.08.51 PM

These two make my eyes roll out of my head and down the street. I’m sick of them. I want them to go away for a little while and that was true BEFORE Will just casually popped off at Chris Rock for seemingly no reason (still waiting for a playback on that one…we watch paint dry for 2.5 hours and they cut the juiciest moment. Buncha squares over at ABC.) Regardless, shout out to my girl Kat for giving me the perfect summary of Jada’s dress: looks like she’s covered in green trash bags. I hope now that this press tour for Will’s movie is over, these two will moonwalk into oblivion and give us all a break.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 8.08.32 PM

Shweet plaid bow tie, Penelope. SOUND fashion decision. 

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.57.19 PM

DIE AWAY FROM ME, PEPLUM. I don’t even really know if this falls under the peplum category kinda looks like she’s got an inner tube around her waist but whatever you wanna call it, it sucks.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.56.20 PM

Well the good news is if your hands get chilly you can just shove them into your seashell pockets.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.40.19 PM

Someone please explain this wiener cover in the form of a fancy dinner napkin. What is the purpose of this? I NEED TO KNOW.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.40.45 PM

I gotta believe cool guy snowboarder Shaun White has more potential than a plain black tux. Really could’ve wowed us here, maybe even done a bold funky USA suit since it was his last hurrah at the Olympics and he gives us Men’s Warehouse classic. I do not accept.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.42.17 PM

Classic Texas Mother of the Bride or gala dress on Reebz. Sparkle and modest. I want something more daring. Yeah that’s right I’m now basically transforming my worst dressed list into bullying people to take more fashion chances. DANCE FOR ME, PUPPETS!

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.50.58 PM

Again, I’ve seen Jason kill it with cool looks. He wore a pink velvet tux with a matching scrunchie one year. How do you go from that to black on black? Is he mourning his separation still? Wrap it up and start making a fashion splash again, big sexy.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.24.47 PM

I don’t know if she was taking inspiration from Tammy Fay for this look but it should be illegal to take inspiration from a woman who tattooed lip liner onto her face. This is all sorts of glimmery garbage. If the store Justice (or Limited Too for all y’all elder millennials like me) made grown up clothes this would be it.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.25.21 PM

Excuse me sir, but there is absolutely no excuse to be flashing your pre-pubescent hairless chest on a red carpet. 

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.27.47 PM

This is a priest robe and I’ll be having none of your blasphemy that she didn’t straight jack this right out of the church wardrobe.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.27.28 PM

Our Fredericks of Hollywood 2022 Edition.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.26.49 PM

We’ll just go right through the shopping mall lineup cause this is a Party City 99 cent backdrop.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.25.41 PM

OoOh, vulvas! FUN!

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.30.36 PM

Ok hear me out, what if we did bright emerald green which will really pop on the carpet. But we need something else, something that will really make this look stand out. BUCKLES. (this is how I imagine the initial design meeting went for this pukefest of a dress.)

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.29.02 PM

Red.Dot.Nip.Covers.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.28.26 PM

This is bringing a very medieval vibe and no I will never get on board with fingerless gloves no matter how often Paris Hilton tries to shove them down our throats.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.28.11 PM

Host 1 of 3 and this outfit is ATROCIOUS. What are we doing with the bows here, squad?! Is this the new loose pieces of hair trend? Anyway, congrats Amy on not only being one of the most famous comedians that everyone RIPS for stealing all of your material but also being the worst dressed Oscar host on a year when they couldn’t pick just one.

 

BEST

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 8.17.39 PM

Don’t think bleach blonde goes with this look but we’ll let it slide because this dress fits her like a glove and I’ll always have a boner for a perfectly color coordinated jewel.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 8.10.30 PM

Considering she had to beg for an invite via social media, I’m guessing black was an FU Academy choice but she looks like a dime piece so everyone’s a winner here.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 8.09.10 PM

Even though she’s the matriarch of a pigpen family who never showers, Mila sure knows how to take a whore’s bath and clean UP.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 8.11.39 PM

HELL YEAH WITH THIS AQUA JACKET

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 8.07.49 PM

Hot damn, Jennifer Garner is a perfect specimen.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 8.07.30 PM

I don’t think I knew that this awkward bird had a set of drumsticks on her. Who wears short shorts? Bella, where the hell have you been loca?!

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.59.04 PM

Andrew’s always got a little smoking jacket flava.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.57.44 PM

Would.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.55.31 PM

Host 2 of 3 also lookin kinda like a televangelist straight out of Righteous Gemstones but it’s working for her.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.59.25 PM

Kevin Costner living up to his DILF vibes. 67 years old and still rolling down the red carpet in shades cause the sun never sets on cool.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.42.39 PM

This is the true definition of an hourglass figure. Lotta RED HOT looks at the Oscars, pun intended.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.50.37 PM

How the hell did Kev bag an invite to the Oscars and the others didn’t?! Lookin sharp though, bud.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.25.06 PM

Ariana is straight KILLIN this outfit. Such a close call for best outfit of the night. But she won an Oscar and made history so that’s probably more important to her than getting my highly esteemed fashion stamp of approval.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.27.07 PM

Regina rounding out the trio of hosts that couldn’t keep the train on the tracks last night but important to note, the best dressed of the three. This gown is flawless and the color is perfect. Props to you Regina. You may not be funny but you’re well-dressed.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.26.32 PM

Don’t know what we owe this pleasure but just grateful as hell that these two kept their tongues in their mouths and look put together. Keep up the good work.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.26.02 PM

Gonna be honest I don’t know that I’ve ever seen Kirsten Dunst look good. Does that sound harsh? Sure but remind yourself what blog you’re reading right now. The good news is she looks stunning in this princess gown.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.29.53 PM

Rawr.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.29.37 PM

Red was the real winner of the night. Knocked it out of the park with this old Hollywood glam.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.28.43 PM

Smokin hot and much more approps than the twat twist at the SAG awards.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.31.13 PM

10 out of 10 for this rosy sparkle number and Nicky’s pregnancy glow.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.32.29 PM

BARBIE PINK REALNESS.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

Zendaya is serving A LOOK here. God I wish I could pull off blue steel without looking like I just drowned my children in the bathtub. She is mean muggin the camera in boardroom on top, beauty pageant on bottom and I am BUYING what she’s SELLING. It’s unique, it’s flattering, and she’s somehow made a waitress white button down crop top elegant?! Magic.

Standard
Red Carpet

SAG Awards Red Carpet 2022

I don’t know what the hell has been going on with Hollywood and awards shows still but we’re going on year 2 of no awards season and what a dry spell it has been for Salty Ju red carpet blogs. Yeah, yeah, I know we’re still in a panny but I also know for a fact that Hollywood is above Covid and always has been. The rules don’t apply to them because they’ve been vaccinated and sang Imagine and write poems for Putin to stop the invasion of the Ukraine. So why is it that we’re having the SAG’s in February, no Grammys at all and the Oscars in March? Winter is depressing enough as is and then you rip away my opportunity to drink and eat cheeses for dinner and judge your fashion choices? Get your shit together, boo boo’s.

WORST

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.04.05 PM

Andrew is giving off big-time 70’s dad vibes and I get that this is hawt for people these days because Harry Styles exists and girls slobber all over his lesbian in a fitted pant suit vibe and not to knock that  but I’m simply here to say this cheesetastic look is not for me.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.04.21 PM

I expected something much more lavish and over the top from Ms Gucci herself. This dress looks fine on her but I’ve never been a fan of the fresh outta the shower wet hair style and white sparkly eye shadow is so 8th grade.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.05.10 PM

Nicole Kidman may be smiling and waving here but inside her brain she’s probably thinking about death and destruction which is bringing her joy because she is Wednesday Adams in this dress.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.05.27 PM

Speaking of evil, Selena decided to channel Maleficent minus the horns. Seriously look at her face and tell me it is not terrifyingly fierce. Also related but unrelated, puff sleeves need to be eradicated from this earth.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.06.11 PM

It’s the arts and crafts neckline and weird butt flap for me. Also is that a built-in open fanny pack in the front? Actually kind of genius for someone like me who misses my mouth 90% of the time while snacking. Could be a good crumb catcher.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.07.00 PM

This suit is fine…boring but fine. Ew times 1,000 to this haircut. Boy would clean UP if he got a decent snip and style. Did he stop at SuperCuts on his way to the carpet? If it feels like I’m being extra picky here, please remember that I haven’t had a red carpet to judge since NOVEMBER and my cup is overflowing with fashion snark. The more red carpets I have, the nicer I am and honestly celebrities should factor this into future awards show schedules if they know what’s good for them.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.12.00 PM

BLAAAHHHHHHHHH. Supes plain, supes unflattering and might I extend my puffy sleeve moratorium to all puff, everywhere? No one needs puff.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.12.33 PM

This dress looks like a cheap prom dress from Weathervane and then adding in lace polka dot gloves and gold platform stripper heels reaaaalllyyyy seals the deal.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.14.03 PM

I don’t know when Will Smith stopped being cool in my eyes but at some point it happened and now he just looks like he’s trying to be the Fresh Dad of Sherman Oaks by rolling up in a double breasted suit with blue tinted shades.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.14.17 PM

Hot damn, what is happening here?! Did one half of her dress get caught in the limo door and she was just like welp, the show must go on?! It’s like Wonderwoman covered by half of a tablecloth. Sex kitten but add a partial modesty drape.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.16.57 PM

WHAT YEAR ARE WE IN?! I mean honestly, I took a nap to Sweet Home Alabama yesterday, which essentially means I slept with it on in the background and dreamed about finding the kind of babe soda who wants to marry me so he can smooch me anytime he wants (but I digress) and this dress could’ve been worn at the premiere for that movie in 2002 and I’d be like yup that checks out. I mean really, a pastel colored sash?! That has early 2000’s fashion all over it. And don’t even get me started on whatever pointy wave thing is happening up top on this lame black strapless shift dress. REESE. I know you’re plain Jane but you can do better than this, babe.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.27.28 PM

Oh cool a sparkly garbage bag! Hefty chic, bb! I think that tie artfully draped across your arms is actually to close the top of the bag so your trash doesn’t spill out.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.28.27 PM

Honestly if I’m being self-aware I might need a time-out after this blog because I truly put Billy on the worst dressed solely because he’s smirking and I grew to hate his character in The Morning Show over the course of this past season (which should have been nominated for 0.0 awards.) Was it fair of me to say someone was dressed poorly just because the character they played was kinda douchey and his smile looks a little snarky? No absolutely not but it’s my blog not yours so HA. Look at that smug ass face. GET LAWST, BILLY.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.29.03 PM

I love a daring fashion moment for the men but this sea of polka dots is making me want to ralph up the three pieces of chocolate I just snuffled down.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.38.56 PM

Appreciate the enthusiasm but it looks like a bush is growing out of her lady garden.

Screen Shot 2022-02-28 at 9.31.20 AM

Under no circumstances do you need to layer a long sleeve shirt underneath your couture gown. You’re on a red carpet in California, not skiing with your friends and putting hand warmers in your pocket. Get the hell out of my face with this thermal layering. RUINED the dress.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.30.01 PM

The dress looks like a cotton number from Old Navy so I definitely don’t want to know what the designer is hawking this for but most importantly, let’s talk hair chunks. My sister and I were out and about this weekend and apparently I wasn’t paying attention as close as I should’ve been and I missed a prime creature of the wild with this chunks in the face hairstyle. Fear not though, my sister was happy to recreate it for me for some late-night giggles. 

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 11.30.01 PM

Who knew she was actually red carpet ready. What’re we doing here, folks?! The most ANNOYING thing is having hair in your face and we’re doing it on purpose now? Just leaving chunks down willy nilly and letting it tickle our eyes and block our vision? FOR WHAT? If you’re ok with hair dangling in your face just because it’s “trendy” now, you are a serial killer.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.16.31 PM

We don’t talk about this outfit because it’s making Lin look like a real geekburger, which we all know he is not. I don’t know if it’s the boxy fit or the short kinda baggy pants, the contrasting colors or how he’s posing but it’s a no for me, dawg.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.31.08 PM

Ah yes, the ever classic twat twist. Why is THAT where they decided to tie the knot in the dress?! Honestly I’m uncomfy even looking at this photo because this dress is essentially lingerie and Vanessa is really werkin those curves. This photo made me blush. Don’t feel like the SAG awards is the event for this type of hoochie coochie.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.31.33 PM

This is downright terrifying. I think the red latex and fur were already a little alarming and then she posed claws out with that fierce look. Whatchu plannin to do with those red daggers, homeslice? Are they red because of the blood you’ve drawn already? Don’t answer that.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.34.08 PM

I’m speechless at this rhinestone rack. It’s no secret that I’m a real prude when it comes to red carpet fashion and ya know what, some things are just better left to the imagination. I don’t need to know the circumference of your nips based on the bedazzling that covers them.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.34.41 PM

This looks like she got dressed in the dark and pulled her sports bra on over her dress. And yet, this design was made on PURPOSE! How funny is fashion. When I was a teenager and had to go to church every Sunday, I chose the 7:30 AM mass because it had no music so it was a real nice drive thru of QT with G-O-D. Thirty minutes quick and dirty. I rolled out of bed, changed into dress pants, left my pajama top on, put a bra over it and then zipped up a coat and never took my coat off in church. Upon my return, I shed the coat, unsnapped the bra, changed my pants and was back tucked into my bed in record time. Why do I tell this story? Really no reason other than to point out that my dirtbag move every Sunday would’ve passed the Fashion Police test, clearly.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.35.01 PM

LeeeaaaVeeeeee someeee Thingzzzz to the ImAgInAtiONnNnnn. I guess Alexandra was going for the “either and” approach to top and bottom slits. (Start at 2:23 in the below clip if you want a visual on what that means.)

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.37.18 PM

Bead tassels! It looks like it’s raining on her crop top separates! Big ole hoops! How fun and so totally classy! I bet it sounds like a rainstick when she teeters around in those teeny tiny heels.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.30.32 PM

Remember in Selena when her dad shits a brick because she’s wearing a bedazzled bra onstage? I’m the dad of Selenasssssssss. This is a brassiere. Also is her hair superglued to the middle of her forehead? LMK.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.39.29 PM

Obviously I’ve got real time beef with anyone who showed up dressed like a showgirl because FUR heels is reaallllyyyyy pushing it. I get that the SAG Awards are on TNT/TBS and they used to air them on a Saturday night so pretty much no one cares. BUT also, the SAG’s are about the CRAFT of acting. It’s for all the Hollywood nerdbombers to geek out about how hard acting is and how talented they all are. It’s snot city. So for theses ladies to roll through in outfits from Frederick’s of Hollywood it’s like spitting in the face of the craft. Take yourself WAY too seriously or kick rocks at the SAG’s. Show up in these getups for the Globes and that’s obvious.

 

BEST

 

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.04.54 PM

Don’t see a lot of pale pink lately and I’m liking the color and the fit of the dress that I’m willing to overlook the GIANT flower accents.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.05.50 PM

If I say Maggie looks nice here does that mean she’ll give Taylor Swift her scarf back and stop playing dumb about her brother being the villain of All Too Well? If not, I take it back. I’ll move her to the worst dressed REAL QUICK.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.06.38 PM

This is how you crush an “either or” situation. Covered up on the bottom, giving a little peek at the goods on top. Classy all around because it’s a pantsuit. Love the sparkle and respect the fact that she knows how to pull off a pocket pose. Cause I got ONE HAND IN MY POCKET and the other one is waving hi to all the haters.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.07.20 PM

No clue who this is but my kneejerk reaction to this look was that it was fun and she was sassin out hoard with that pose. 

Screen Shot 2022-02-28 at 9.30.14 AM

Always a thousand times yes to a charcoal fitted suit on this hunk of man meat.

Screen Shot 2022-02-28 at 9.29.29 AM

As someone who will change the scrunchie on her wrist every time she changes shirts so they coordinate as closely as possible, I very much approve of the patterned hair scarf that syncs up with the pattern on her dress. 

Screen Shot 2022-02-28 at 9.32.23 AM

This is the kind of jacket I’d expect to see at the CMA’s but I love it and he looks spiffy.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.07.34 PM

This is a silky animal print combo and yet it doesn’t look like what she wears to bed–see it CAN be done! Faith looks amazing and she knows it.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.07.48 PM

Faith way outranked Tim here but you always need a reacher and a settler in a relationship so it’s fine. He doesn’t look BAD, he’s just obviously outkicking his coverage.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.08.02 PM

Badass to wear a fishtail braid on a red carpet. I keep saying red carpet but obviously this carpet is like a grey/silver. Let’s overlook this for the sake of my entire blog. Juno is a perfect gold goddess.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.08.16 PM

All in for the tie shoulders and the fit of this dress on Sandra even though it gives off some tin foil gum wrapper vibes, I think she’s rocking it.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.12.16 PM

I mean it’s Bradley Cooper. He’s always going to wear a plain black tux and look like a handsome devil. Very few fall into this category and I know it’s lazy journalism (lol couldn’t type that with a straight face) to classify the Hollywood OG babes like Bradley, Leo and George as best dressed just because of who they are but it’s not like they look like walking dumpsters, they’re just boring classic guys.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.13.03 PM

Michael Keaton’s looking debonair! Almost enough to make up for his incessant need to ramble every time he’s onstage. ALMOST.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.14.45 PM

This is the mood we were looking for from Lady Gaga, squad. I wanted an outrageously cocky fashion moment. If you’re gonna star in a movie about a fashion designer/mafia hitman situation, I want you to bring the full drama to the carpet. This is it right here. Shades, velvet bow, the jacket draped on his shoulders. Is that a scrunchie I see on his wrist?! The drama. The intrigue. 

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.15.29 PM

Ooh baby, Tyler looks suave as hell. This might be my new favorite suit color. A nice solid green.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.16.01 PM

Kirsten looks like a spicy tamale in this number and I love this journey for her.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.16.17 PM

The silhouette of this dress is stunning and obviously I’m a sucker for the colors. 

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.16.45 PM

I mean I don’t think Helen Mirren could get any classier if she tried. She looks like she’s going for tea and crumpets at the palace with the Queen right down to her matching mask and clutch. She’s a woman after my own heart with the amount of coordinating she did with her accessories. 

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.17.11 PM

I know I previously said stop it with the puffs and I did mean that but also Jean does look good in this dress. She’d look even better without the court jester neck ruffle but it’s not a dealbreaker.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.27.12 PM

From the clouds, Paul Reiser with a jazzy jacket! Who woulda thunk. Looks sharp AF.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.27.41 PM

I love Kieran’s sideways pose here. He looks good and he knows it.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.28.09 PM

Talk about Corporate Bros and CE-Hoes’ party! Just kidding. Sorta. She’s really giving off sultry vibes in boardroom chic and another killer pocket pose. I’m here for it!

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.28.50 PM

Little too much cleavington for me but I can’t drool over a bunch of pantsuits being classy and kewl and then toss Mira on the worst dressed list just because she wanted to pop them disco boobs out for a night on the town. She’s still got it. Her and Lisa proved that no one ages in Hollywood thanks to plastic surgery and made a little Romy and Michele color callback:

romymichele

They look like a million bucks, as the inventors of Post-its should.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.29.42 PM

Cousin Greg is such a tall drink of water and he sure cleans up nice.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.30.15 PM

I love this little cotton candy bunny and I’m going to scream it from the rooftops because I don’t care who knows it. 

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.30.50 PM

A maroon smoking jacket will get me every time.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.33.32 PM

I’ve got a real summer boner for these two back to back pops of color. Although I will say that as great as this dress looks, when she won an award she almost fell out of her chair and dragged it up onstage with her because of that puffy butt situation. Sometimes it pays to keep it simple so you can gracefully glide onstage and accept your award without looking like a bull in a china shop.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.33.44 PM

Look at her having a dramatic flip my swishy dress for the paps moment. Supes jelly. I wore a tutu on the beach to pop champagne for paying off my student loans and it would’ve been an ideal moment for a swishy blowing in the breeze carefree pic but the wind was blowing in the wrong direction so my hair was in my face and also I was taking my own photos so MUST BE NICE to have cameras snapping away at you looking like a princess.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.36.36 PM

I got a serious case of the giggles as I rolled through 134 red carpet photos and THIS was one of them. I mean, was Chef there to cater the event or was he attending as a nominee/presenter? I’m unclear on what his purpose was there but what I AM clear on is that he showed up ready to sauté some mushrooms should he be called upon to do so. I like the readiness here. Clogs, apron and you know what? maybe toss a hairnet over that Sonic head of yours, Chef, I don’t love a hairy meal. Also where is your spatula?

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.37.40 PM

Was a REAL close call whether this would be the best look of the night because yellows and golds always crush on a red carpet. Love this color on her and the accents of purple complement it perfectly. 

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.38.01 PM

This is so dorky grandpa and I happen to love it. His trendy frames matching his bowtie is chef’s kiss.

Screen Shot 2022-02-27 at 10.40.24 PM

Marlee is lookin like a straight dime piece and also happened to clean up awards and make a big statement how it’s deaf actors time to shine finally. She had herself a top night and was certainly dressed for it.

 

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

Now this is a damn statement. Neon and perfectly fitted princess gown, subtle jewels to let the extravagant dress do the talking, pink lips and soft curls. GET IT, QUEEN.

Standard
Red Carpet

CMA’s Red Carpet 2021

HEY Y’ALL it’s your annual reminder that CABLE IS BONKERS STUPID and if I’m paying a subscription service to get cable why are they NOT tossing in the primetime networks for free? Pilfering cable logins just to get my awards show fix is getting REAL OLD. But that certainly didn’t stop me from doing it again last night. Shout out to my ex boyf’s parents who still love me enough to let me steal their login, feels good to be the golden child for once, even if it’s someone else’s family. I’ll take what I can get. #Grateful that I was able to shove salami and garlic stuffed olives into my facehole at warp speed last night while I HECKLED this awards show from the comfort of my couch. The fact that my out loud awards show commentary BY MYSELF isn’t a reality show at this point makes me really question the future of entertainment. Ratings would soar for the rosé-infused slob kebab in fleece PJ’s shouting “HE’S NOT NEW” when Jimmie Allen is awarded “Best New Artist” and then proceeding to ROAST him for crying as he accepted the award and admitting that he spent his last $50 on attending the CMA Awards a few years ago and he was living out of his car. With all due respect, I call bullshit, good sir. YOUR LAST FIFTY DOLLARS?! YOU SPENT IT ON A CONCERT?! Yeh. Ok. Anyone who has only $50 left is homeless. Let’s cut the shit on the rags to riches story. We get it, you’re grateful. We don’t need an overdramatized backstory. WoooOoo baby, I came in hot and for that I do not apologize. Get used to it. Best of luck to anyone who walked this red carpet cause I’m about to go IN.

WORST DRESSED

Screen Shot 2021-11-10 at 9.12.29 PM

This is too damn much and if we’re being really honest, I’m kinda over Carrie’s sourpuss. As the most outspoken A-list country singer against the vaccine, they panned to her immediately after Luke Bryan’s “immunized” Aaron Rodgers “joke” and Carrie looked irritated as hell to be there. HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR ONE TIME. She’s giving off REAL betch vibes lately and I’m ready to smack that stank face right off her.

Screen Shot 2021-11-10 at 9.14.32 PM

Two words: Leather Poop. Brown leather, REALLY KATY?! Come on. Not only is this a giant couch flavored turd but it’s unflattering as hell. I guarantee Katy is skinny as possible and yet this is hugging every crevice making her look like she’s preggers.

Screen Shot 2021-11-10 at 9.25.28 PM

This was my “what fresh hell is this?!” moment of the night. Maren will literally never stop getting as close to topless as she can get on primetime and hubby decided to compliment his wife’s constant near nip slip with a poop suit and Hef slippers. Her whoutfit isn’t even tailored to her miniature height. It’s just dragging on the ground like a pair of JNCO jeans.

Screen Shot 2021-11-10 at 9.25.42 PM

Meh. Plain black dress with Elle Woods pink clutch. Whatevs. Not awful but also LAME.

Screen Shot 2021-11-10 at 9.26.11 PM

Puff the magic dragon all up in ya with this sleeve/shoulder flare.

Screen Shot 2021-11-10 at 9.26.28 PM

Sorry pal, you know the rules. You wear a plain ass black suit amongst guys who actually take a risk and you can F all the way off onto the worst dressed list.

Screen Shot 2021-11-10 at 9.32.50 PM

I’ve never seen a more mismatched couple. We’ve got this Judah Friedlander-lookin ass on the left going for hipster thrift store finds I only drink PBR “sTyLe” and then ice dancer pageant queen on his arm. Like she’s 100% looking for ABC to pick her up for this year’s Miss America.

Judah_Friedlander

Screen Shot 2021-11-10 at 9.33.05 PM

I’m scrolling through red carpet looks and was the MOST taken aback by stumbling upon Susan Sarandon holding that tiny red clutch front and center. I’ll take WILDLY out of place for $500, Alex. Susan and her kit and caboodle purse with matching Dorothy heels took a sharp left turn out of The Polo Lounge and ended up at the Honky Tonk and she looks v. uncomfy. The white suit! The pearl necklace! Every detail of this look is church on Sunday.

Screen Shot 2021-11-10 at 9.33.32 PM

If you’re going to rock a skin tight pair of Tiger King hot pants you’re A-S-K-I-N-G for it. The “it” I’m referring to is of course me vomiting all over your fashion choices. I get this chick is going for carefree gypsy with moonstones and funky blazer but TIGER PANTS? REALLY, BABES?! (I heard Adele call someone babes in her cool AF British accent and this will now be a thing I try to shove down everyone’s throats for about one week until I forget all about it.)

Screen Shot 2021-11-10 at 9.27.43 PM

I feel like Russell is usually trendy as hell serving some looks with a funky color or pattern and PLAIN BLACK IS DEAD TO ME. I also just find this top heavy rhinestone sitch on his lady to be tacky. I’m bored with this. We’ve had over a year of cancelling awards shows and events and zooming instead of red carpets and I want my socks knocked off my damn feet with everyone’s comeback. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?! Take a risk, homeslices! (I’m cackling as I type that because the MINUTE someone does something risky fashion-wise I also put them on the worst dressed list. And that’s why I’m a loser who wears a fanny pack and not a fashion critic y’all.)

Screen Shot 2021-11-10 at 9.35.59 PM

What in JoAnn’s Fabrics is happening here?! Rogue appliqué flowers and *ONE* glitter boob?! What’s the right one got that the left one doesn’t?! Why does she get her moment to walk in the sun as a sparkly spectacle and lefty is just covered in plain ole pleats? THE INEQUALITY. And then you tack on cross dangle earrings?! Girl, pick a damn lane. Also, not for nothing but were the stylists really pushing the smoking loafers this year for men or WHAT?!

Screen Shot 2021-11-10 at 9.36.37 PM

Dierks please for the love of God get rid of that mullet. You look suave as hell and then it’s that neck music that’s making me want to puke in my hands. And again, real ice dancer vibes in his lady. 

Screen Shot 2021-11-10 at 9.37.04 PM

Hard to pull off a classy Hamptons white party look when you’ve got a shag rug of chest hair protruding from your wife beater and we can see your ankle socks peeking out of your black shoes. What a G-D disaster. Plus, their whites don’t even match. She’s in white and he’s in cream. Who approved this?! For the record, this woman looks stunning. Beautiful, simple gown, her only cross to bear is Fozzy Bear on her left.

Screen Shot 2021-11-10 at 9.38.21 PM

I wore a black shin-length skirt to my first bar mitzfah that had a very prominent baby pink ribbon around the waist that I took as a clear sign I should match it to my top, thus creating a hideous black and baby pink combo that I’m sure was kewl for 6th graders getting hopped up on Mountain Dew and moshing to Sk8er Boi but it has FOREVER scarred me to this color combo. Sorry my own poor fashion choices have created this bias but I really started to get the sweats when I first laid eyes on this suit. I can’t relive 6th grade guys. I bet I had watermelon pink rubber bands in my braces too. WUPH.

Screen Shot 2021-11-10 at 9.26.57 PM

No joke I looked at last year’s blog and was fully convinced either it was the same photo or Old Dominion pulled a prank and showed up in the exact same outfits as the year before. I guess if it ain’t broke don’t fix it. But also, maybe fix it.

Screen Shot 2021-11-10 at 9.38.46 PM

Saved the worst for last!!! What a putrid duo. Did these two dum dums think this year’s CMA’s was a costume party? Halloween was a couple weeks ago, honies. Tweed and satin and puffy floating sleeves and rhinestones and patterned tights, OH MY. KILL IT WITH FIRE. Even Kermit would sip his tea and be like hmm, not for me.

BEST DRESSED

Screen Shot 2021-11-10 at 9.35.43 PM

Quite frankly I’m mesmerized by that teeny tiny waist on Caroline. What a rocket she is. Luke’s fine. Whatever. I couldn’t help but notice he’s looking a little Ken doll lately. Sometimes less is more with the plastic surgery, my man.

Screen Shot 2021-11-10 at 9.36.16 PM

From one hat gal to another, I love that she’s rocking the hell out of this outlaw cap with badass braids and adding a little shimmer n shine to it only made me love it more. Not super flattering to have your top in the shape of an arrow pointing to the part of your body that naturally gets wider but hey you win some, you lose some.

Screen Shot 2021-11-10 at 9.37.46 PM

Dan + Shay knew we were two nights away from getting Red (Taylor’s Version) and decided to serve us with some pumpkin spice latte coordinated fall lewks. I can always jive with a seasonal theme and these two look like they’d bring a homemade pie to Thanksgiving and whisper sweet nothings into your ear while you snuggle on the couch as the Tryptophan sets in. Did I just turn two earth tone suits into fan fiction? Mind your business.

Screen Shot 2021-11-10 at 9.38.32 PM

Last year I delivered some hard truths to Jason: “Change it up, Aldean. Am I being kinda harsh? Yeah. Get over it. Let’s see something other than 90’s era jeans with a chain, loafer boots, graphic tee and cowboy hat. SPICE IT UP.”

AND LOOK WHAT WE HAVE HERE. Jason Aldean must be a Salty because he HEARD me. Fitted black pants and a SILVER jacket, Ok, I see you BB!

Screen Shot 2021-11-10 at 9.39.17 PM

I spent a significant amount of time this weekend mulling over a purchase (discount of course) of a Cher Horowitz style plaid skirt. I love that this trend is coming back hoard and although I decided against purchasing the skirt, it was only because I have 0 friends and 0 places to be and I’m not about to waste fashionable separates on the couch. But then I saw this full plaid suit and I got the plaid tingles and the moral of the story here is I’ll probably purchase a plaid skirt and wear it around my apt just for the sheer joy of Tartan.

Screen Shot 2021-11-10 at 9.39.34 PM

We’re doing a lightning round of male appreciation here and this purple suit is hot 2 trot.

Screen Shot 2021-11-10 at 9.39.55 PM

Luke Combs is a back country man. The kind of guy that would probably rather be in a dive bar drinking Coors Light but also happens to have mad talent and I love the fact that he played it up for the red carpet. He probably felt like a real asshat wearing a velvet jacket and fancy boots but I tell ya boys, trendy evening wear every once in a while won’t kill ya.

Screen Shot 2021-11-10 at 9.40.25 PM

The goons of FGL were CONSISTENTLY on my worst dressed list for like the first five years they graced red carpets. They were showing up in denim vests and feathers and drug rugs and all sorts of hats and bandanas and acid washed jeans. Their style was atrocious and they LOVED that about themselves. The minute I saw this photo I was like HA. Doesn’t matter if you’re rich or poor, famous or a loser, you get wifed up and that is IT for your experimental fashion. Every single woman cuts the shit with that REAL quick and starts dressing their mans. So I’d like to thank wifey for this transition. She’s killin it in this gown and Tyler looks debonair (never thought I’d see the day where I’d use that word to describe this hobo.)

Screen Shot 2021-11-10 at 9.11.55 PM

Hot Diggity Dog, Jennifer slayed the performances with her powerhouse voice but before she could do that, she had to show up in a literal lace corset and pop that bangin body. I’m obsessed.

Screen Shot 2021-11-10 at 9.13.05 PM

99.9% sure I also crapped on Darius last year for pulling the plain black tux out of his b*hole (AND he was host) so once again, we’ve proved that my blog is the top source for fashion goss among male country singers because he was CLEARLY like I better switch it up or The Salty Ju will come for me. It’s not lost on me how important my opinion is to my zillions of followers. So yeah Darius, ya crushed it by going for my weakness which is a royal blue suit every damn time. Fre$h to death.

Screen Shot 2021-11-10 at 9.13.21 PM

Is Nicole Kidman going through a sexual reawakening? Because normally she’s giving off strong 75 year old witch vibes and last night she was arching that back and poppin that leg, booboo. Proud of her. And obviously I already drooled all over Aldean’s silver jacket and Keith is also rocking it. Metallic is my jam.

Screen Shot 2021-11-10 at 9.13.36 PM

Last time I saw Mickey she was preggers and now she’s wearing a SKIN-TIGHT white gown. That’s as bold as bold gets. She looks PHENOMENAL.

Screen Shot 2021-11-10 at 9.13.57 PM

What a snake move for them to pose as a group every year because the majority of the time they all look like duds except for one. Keep riding Kimberly’s feathers onto my best dressed list, Little Big Town. See if I care! But seriously, what a sassy fun party frock and the rest of them are attending a funeral.

Screen Shot 2021-11-10 at 9.14.50 PM

I’m very into the white Martha Stewart turtleneck moment we’re having here. Classy and elegant!

Screen Shot 2021-11-10 at 9.25.55 PM

Carly Pearce went through a public divorce from Michael Ray this year after being married for a whole five minutes and GREAT NEWS everyone judging completely by this one evening, she’s winning the breakup. She looks like a bombshell and she won female vocalist of the year. AND she smooched a hottie before accepting the award. That’s how you turn lemons into lemonade, yo.

Screen Shot 2021-11-10 at 9.26.42 PM

This hot pink and silver loudness makes me happy. I don’t know if it’s because I’m making direct correlations to Barbie or if it’s the couples coordination or what it is. So kewl outfit but you still didn’t spend your last $50 attending the CMA’s while you were living in a car, I rest my case.

 

Screen Shot 2021-11-10 at 9.33.17 PM

Look at this cherub in maroon. Missing his better half but I’m guessing she’s about to pop with their 4th kiddo and a red carpet wasn’t sounding spicy for her. Props to TR for holding down the fort in fashion.

Screen Shot 2021-11-10 at 9.33.46 PM

I want the shiny white gown. I realize that the actual nominee in this photo is the dude and he looks nice and all but Katie Stevens was an actress in the all-time classic chick show The Bold Type and I follow her on Insta and when she posted this photo supporting her huz, all I could think about was how I want this dress. Whatta babe.

 

FAVE LOOK OF THE NIGHT AND IT AIN’T EVEN A COMPETITION:

Screen Shot 2021-11-10 at 9.34.14 PM

TENILLE TOWNES, DO YOUR THANG, GIRL! I mean WOO I nearly fainted when I saw this photo. She is OWNING this sultry red power suit. And worth noting that Tenille will always have a supporter in The Salty Ju because in addition to serving looks, she also happens to be the sweetest human on this earth. Kindness, talent and a bangin bod will get you EVERYWHERE, folks! Take that to the MF’ing bank.

Standard