JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/14/2020

1. Guard That Pu**y.

guardthatpu**y

Touchy subject in the #MeToo era of Hollywood is the leakage of nudes. I remember back in 2014 when the “Fappening” occurred and there was a widespread anonymous celebrity nude hack, my entire family sat around the dinner table rating the quality and creativity of nekkid photos. Since most of those were chick photes, I feel it is important to point out that I’m an equal opportunist when it comes to released b-day suit pics. When Orlando Bloom went balls out on a paddleboarding sesh, I also giggled at that and sent it to everyone I know so that they had the pleasure of receiving an unexpected dick pic from me. When Tiger Woods had that weird shirtless photo bopping around with his puffy nips, I zoomed in and sent that to everyone I know too. What I’m trying to get at here is that not only am I a perv and NOSY as hell, but I like to bring others down with me. When Chris Evans started trending on Twitter the other night and I realized it was an oopsie nude, I dug deep into the bowels of the internet to get my grabbers on this pic. Here’s what happened…Chris posted an instagram story of family game night via a screen recording from his phone. A lesson for all novice screen recorders, that shit will capture everything on your screen THUS THE NAME. Apparently he had his camera roll open and the last second of the video got a snag of what he’s got saved in there. The first piece was this meme that I’m sure someone made and he thought was funny with his face and “Guard that Pussy”. At least I hope with all of my heart that he thought it was funny and didn’t un-ironically send that to a lady friend because if anyone ever seriously sent me that even a Guardian of the Galaxy himself, my bits would be drier than the Sahara. Fingers crossed it’s all in good humor. And then snipers also feasted their eyes on a very artsy dick pic from ya boy. I will not be reposting it because as inapprops as my language is and no matter how revealing a celeb is on the red carpet, we don’t dabble in porn pics on The Salty Ju. I will, however, describe this pic to the best of my ability and let your imagination recreate it in your mind’s eye or you can be an adult and google it yourself. Below is the cameral roll with the d*ck p*c blurred out:

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It essentially was a super closeup peen shot, black and white style. Anyone who goes so far to put a classic inkwell filter on your junk is trying to be Picasso. Look, girls have a lot to offer when it comes to the world of nudes. Our bodies are sexy and we’ve got a lot of different parts to work with. Guys just have their junk. And you know what? It looks the same in every picture. No matter how you prop it, it’s a wiener. I appreciate Chris for attempting to spice things up with his dick pic but whether it’s black and white or not, it’s still an eggplant emoji and if sent on a random Wednesday afternoon, chances are the recipient will be disgusted. Sorry guys, I’m here to speak the truth. Since I just dumped all over dick pics in general, I will say that he had the kind of wiener that looked like it was carved from marble. Real smooth peen. Again, could be the filter but it definitely wasn’t anything to be ashamed of. Which is why…he spun it like the PR maven that he is…First he tweeted this:

Then he went on Tamron Hall and faced the music via Zoom. Whatta guy. Chris Evans will forever be known for spin-zoning his nude into a political convo to get people to vote. Should he be the next Pres?

2. YOUTHS, EVERYWHERE!

There’s a lot of these videos from the world trying to relate to Gen Z and the TikTokker’s and I typically hate all of them. I hate Gen Z a lot but having out of touch oldies make fun of them just makes us millennials look worse. I’m trying not to get bullied by people who are ten years younger than me making millions off of online vids, be cool everyone. But then LOVABLE AF Paul Rudd came along and made this video possible. In his stupid yellow sweatsuit dancing it out and using all of the garbo phrases youths use like yeet & no cap & dank & fam. He even added a tasty guitar lick to keep it spicy and a callback to one of his most adorable moments with “hey look at us.” Do I hate the fact that Governor Cuomo had anything to do with this because he’s a tryhard confusing old man sex symbol who wants youth approval? Yes 100%. But do I love the fact that Paul Rudd called him Cuomz? Yes 100%. I’ll let this slide because it’s the Ruddster and he can do no wrong. Also because youths are stupid as hell and the more we point it out *fingers crossed* they’ll become self aware and stop bullying millennials online for being old and out of touch because IT HURTS OUR FEELINGS, OK?

3. BB’s.

Baby Bloom

I’ve gotten to the point where there’s so much freaking baby news each week that I’ll just be combining it into one “headline” because babies are a real snoozefest and yet I feel obligated to report on them. First up we have Taylor Swift’s gift to Katy Perry & Orlando Bloom’s newb. It’s not enough that Taylor wrote a whole album during quarantine, she also has to be one of those artsy people who just whips up a hand-embroidered silk blanket as a baby gift. Gawd that’s annoying. Next we have Chrissy Teigen “accidentally” revealing that she’s having a boy with a social media video. Make no mistakes, pre-recording a video and posting it on several social media platforms is not an oops unless it’s an artsy dick pic. Stop playing dumb, Chrissy–we know you’re an internet pro.

A pregnancy announcement from Ashley Tisdale–her first child. And on the opposite end of the spectrum, Taylor Hanson, 1/3 of the genius that is MMMBop is expecting his seventh child. SEVENTH. THERE ARE GOING TO BE 7 KIDS IN ONE HOUSEHOLD. WUT. My vagina shuddered at the mere thought of that. 

And finally my friend tried to fake scoop me (punishable by face tat, start picking out your mug art, Kat) that Gigi Hadid had her baby which resulted in a very lengthy analysis of just how many months along she actually is because it seemed FAR too soon for labor–I even involved my mother who reminded me that Jessica Biel had a baby and no one even know she was pregnant, which just got me re-annoyed that she’s married to Justin Timberlake and I’m not. BUT ALAS, false alarm…baby still in belly. In fact we were #blessed with several bump peeps this week from the Hadid clan. First from Bella who showed just how out of touch she is with this world by calling washboard supermodel abs a “food baby” –pro tip for Bella, if you can roll the waistband of your size double 0 jeans you are anything but bloated…and then from Gigi herself giving us some ANGLEZ to prove that this creature has yet to enter the world regardless of her dad posting poems for it on Insta.

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from about 27 wks 🥺💙 time flew

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4. Cardi B & Offset Get the Big D.

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I guess even the wettest of P’s still can’t hold a man down. Your downstairs could be a waterfall and you could be a certified freak seven days a week and your rapper husband will still be dipping his paw in some other chick’s honey pot. Girl better dance that WAP on over to someone who appreciates it. HEYYYOOOOOO.

5. That’s Hot.

I took the liberty of watching the Paris Hilton documentary so that you don’t have to. Don’t say I never gave you anything. The doc was created to reveal that Paris had a trauma early on in her life that basically shaped everything and how she presented herself to the world. She was sent to a behavioral correction school out in Utah as a teen because she loved partying and wanted to get into the fashion scene and her parents wanted better for her. It turns out this place thrived on mentally, physically & sexually abusing their “students.” Paris kept all this locked up until recently when she decided to do this doc and reach out to a group of girls who went through the same thing she did. Overall I’d say it was interesting to see a lot of public things that Paris did through the new perspective knowing that she was abused for several years when she was forming her identity. She admits that most of her relationships have been abusive, even showing paparazzi photos where she has bruises all over her body. Obviously she touches on the sex tape and how she was coerced into it by her first real boyfriend who she was trying to impress. And probably the most interesting tidbit of them all, Paris is Keyser Soze. She’s secretly brilliant and has been putting on this dum dum “That’s Hot” act ever since the early 2000’s. In her child slavery schools she was forced to clean so acting like she didn’t know what a sponge was in “The Simple Life” was pure acting talent. Her normal voice octave isn’t breathy and moronic. Bitch has been playing the media for decades and has made billions off of it. Watching this unfold throughout the documentary leading up to the point when one of her former fellow students pointed out that she was a physics brainiac in school was the moment when Keyser Soze loses the limp at the end of the movie (spoiler alert). Glass shattered. Paris is smarter than us all. Speaking of being smart I also watched the Netflix doc The Social Dilemma this week (yes that’s right, I have full range in my doc viewing) and I recommend it to anyone who doesn’t suffer from anxiety and social media addiction. Cause that B blew shit wide open when it comes to the social media age and how it’s ruining our society and the AI and algorithms that are specifically created to know our every want, need, mood & otherwise and prey on it. YIKES ON BIKES. THE WORLD IS ENDING. PARIS HILTON IS A SECRET GENIUS AND THE INTERNET IS OUT TO GET US. DOOM DOOM DOOM.

BONUS: It’s video time, baybay. First up we have this guy Mike known for his sarcastic and hilarious 60 second classics where he breaks down scenes or entire movies (mostly from the 90’s). As an avid fan of 90’s classics, I personally enjoy his videos and this one was posted this week that had me in tears. For all fellow 3 Ninja’s stans…listen to him break down their RIDICULOUS schoolyard hoopz challenge. *Goes full rocketeer and sends that cheese to the moon*

Next up we have a collection of new beats/videos that premiered today. Brett Eldredge covered Billie Eilish’s Party’s Over. I’ve always loved this song and after hearing Brett hold the note in One Mississippi live a few years back, I know he’s got pipes and I love that he covered this. Kinda weird to put the audio over concert footage of him bopping around clearly singing a different song but whatevs. Then a song that is basically just a remix (I don’t at all understand DJ’s and how they can basically release a “brand new song” that’s been around for 30+ years) but it features the “IT” couple from Outerbanks so if you’re thirsty for some John B content, I aim to please. And lastly, a new drop from Bieber who seems to have been very busy in quarantine creating new music and this is quite a deep vid. What a tale he weaves with this Holy beat.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 8/24/20

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1. BeeeeeBeeeeee’s. 

 

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Welcome to the world, Daisy Dove Bloom! We are honoured to introduce Goodwill Ambassadors @KatyPerry and @OrlandoBloom’s new bundle of joy.⠀ ⠀ “We are floating with love and wonder from the safe and healthy arrival of our daughter,” Katy and Orlando told us.⠀ ⠀ “But we know we’re the lucky ones and not everyone can have a birthing experience as peaceful as ours was. Communities around the world are still experiencing a shortage of healthcare workers and every eleven seconds a pregnant woman or newborn dies, mostly from preventable causes. Since COVID-19 many more newborn lives are at risk because of the increased lack of access to water, soap, vaccines and medicines that prevent diseases. As parents to a newborn, this breaks our hearts, as we empathize with struggling parents now more than ever.⠀ ⠀ “As UNICEF Goodwill Ambassadors, we know UNICEF is there, on the ground, doing whatever it takes to make sure every expecting mother has access to a trained health worker and access to quality healthcare. In celebration of the heart we know our daughter already has, we have set up a donation page to celebrate DDB’s arrival. By supporting them, you are supporting a safe start to life and reimagining a healthier world for every child. We hope your ♥️ can bloom with generosity.⠀ ⠀ Gratefully-⠀ ⠀ Katy & Orlando.”⠀ ⠀ Please tap the link in our bio to support the most precious gift: a healthy child.

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ForEver grateful for this true blessing💙

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A LOT of baby-related news this week. Like my ovaries are rusting from within and it’s just baby city up in Hollywood. At least it’s proof that some couples still like each other  so that’s always good! I also must give credit where it’s due, my bestie has the ultimate scoop edge by living on the west coast and therefore getting breaking news while I’m fast asleep. I woke up Thursday morning to texts from her scooping me on Katy’s birth and updating me on Lea’s child’s name. Proud of her for taking advantage of the time difference. Scoop never sleeps. Katy and Orlando AND Lea and Zandy (eye roll) jumped RIGHT on that current celebrity baby announcement trend of black and white hands/feet grasping. I’m so over this. 0 points for originality. Someone needs to shake this up FAST. If the only news we’re going to have each week is a divorce or a baby, we need a little creativity with the announcements OR WE RIOT. Now onto the names. Daisy Dove is exactly what I would’ve expected from Katy. Double D’s. Just kidding. I don’t hate it but I’m not in love with it either. I’m comfortably indifferent. First time for everything. And as for Lea…Ever is stupid. I’m sorry but that’s not a name that’s a declaration. OUT on Ever. NOW…. onto the real rant.

 

I’ve got a bone to pick with Brie here. Obviously they’re going for the B theme. Brie, Bryan, Birdie, Buddy. That’s obnoxious as hell but whatever, I get some families are real into that. The real issue here is this little bud’s middle name. It is DESSERT. HOWEVER she clarifies in the above post it’s pronounced DESERT. THESE ARE TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WORDS WITH COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PRONUNCIATIONS AND COMPLETELY DIFFERENT MEANINGS. WHY WOULD YOU GO OUT OF YOUR WAY TO MAKE THIS 100000X MORE CONFUSING?! MAKE THE NAME DESERT IF THAT’S WHAT YOU REALLY WANT TO CALL IT. ESPECIALLY because you’re naming him AFTER an actual name. Was your nana’s maiden name DESSERT pronounced DESERT? If so, your ancestors are morons. I am FIRED all the way up about the stupidity here. You know how often kids confuse Desert and Dessert? A WHOLE LOT. You’re now PART OF THE PROBLEM. Ugh ok. I’m done. Obviously you knew once they announced twin pregnancies that this whole process was going to be People cover story material so I’m glad they didn’t make us wait too long for the unveiling. Nope, I lied. I’m not done. I read the article in People mag and I got annoyed again. First of all, they’re already nicknaming Matteo (God’s gift) to Teo, so whatever that’s fine, I didn’t expect them to really be calling their baby Matteo like he’s an astronomer from the 1500’s. But Brie’s daughter Birdie AKA Bir Bir has nicknamed her little brother Bud Bud. BIR BIR AND BUD BUD. Goodbye.

 

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Hi I’m Buddy 💙

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My life is so complete 🥰 @theartemc @people

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I’m back. THE BELLA BOYYYYZZZZZZZ! Matteo and Buddy!!!!! What’s hilarious to me is that they’re all about twinning and doing everything together and yet TMZ reported that Nikki put her house that she built and decorated for herself (pre-Artem convincing her to marry him and knocking her up) directly next door to Brie on the market. So that was a solid 9 months of being neighbors. Next season of Total Bella’s would be much more entertaining with them living in each other’s buttholes with their newborn cousin twins. I’m not a producer…but I should be. Don’t move, Nikki. Learn how to spell Desert, Brie. TYSM to all. Love ya suh much.

2. BeeeeeBeeee BUMP.

 

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growin an angel 🙂

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7.26.20 🕊

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At first Gigi was like I’m not posting about my pregnancy because there are more important things going on in the world and I want the focus to be on that. And then she apparently was like eh F it, this photoshoot is too good not to share. It is a pretty classy collection of bump photos. It’s not over the top with nudes but tasteful black and white silhouettes. Plus she’s an actual supermodel so I don’t really know if she can take a bad picture. Doesn’t detract from the fact that I feel like she’s a literal infant herself and this is 1000% an oops baby but at least it’s going to be a Vogue oops.

3. Aunt Becky Goes to “Jail.”

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Alright enough baby talk, let’s switch it over to the slammer. It was announced LAST Friday when I was thoroughly enjoying a Girl’s Day full of poolside cheese balls and adult bevvy’s that Lori and her hubs were “sentenced.” I use the term loosely because this has been a several year long process and has been built up so dramatically over time that we all knew there was only one outcome to this scenario, and obviously it’s the outcome that every rich person gets. A short stint in a cushy Hollywood jail that they will 1000% not complete. Lori got 2 months, her husband got 5. The chances that either of these turds serve those full sentences are SLIM. There was a headline about Lori being nervous about serving time amidst corona virus, as if she’d be put in a county jail swarming with people spitting on her or something. Listen, if Jeffrey Epstein was quite literally raping middle school students in Florida and running a pedo “massage” ring out of his mansion and got to leave jail to take his PJ out and about whenever he pleased on “work release”, I can guaranTEEE you that Aunt Becky won’t go to prison for paying her kids into college. That’s just not how the system works. They make a big F’ing deal out of this whole case and promise the judge is going to throw the book at them and I called bullshit from the start. No one will EVER make an example of a rich and famous person. Felicity served a month, Lori will serve a week or two and that’ll be all she wrote for the GREAT college scandal of H’wood. Honestly her getting cut from the never-ending Full House franchise probably hurts worse than a “jail” sentence. HAVE MERCY!

4. We Are All Old.

 

Cause Kevin McAllister told us we are. Seriously, Home Alone was made before I was even born, so don’t be tellin me I’M OLD OK KEVVVIIIIIINNNNNNN?!

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Oh jk, jk, he’s just doing his job. Everyone, relax. I love the fact that Macaulay recognizes that Home Alone was his defining career moment and that’s all we want to hear about from him and embraces it full-force. Also to relate it back to myself as I’m best known for doing, in Home Alone 2 (the superior Home Alone) when Kevin says “I’m 10 years old. TV is my life,” I’ve never related to a statement more except that it applied when I was 10 and also present day. I can honestly say that I’m 29 years old and I’ve watched so much TV in the past week that I have a literal back ache from how I was propped up on my bed/the couch. It all started last weekend when E aired every episode of Sex and the City followed by both movies. They called it something dumb like Sex all weekend or whatever and YES I ATE THAT SHIT UP. Even got my mom in on it as we pondered Aidan vs. Big and I scolded my mom for not remembering Berger who BROKE UP WITH CARRIE VIA POST IT NOTE. And when you start your week watching middle aged women talk about sex in Abu Dhabi, there’s really no rock bottom. So I binged my Housewives (#TeamBrandi, Denise is a cease and desist turd sandwich) and I tried Black Monday (not for me, sorry), watched all of High Fidelity on Hulu (100% must watch for Cherise who is a boss and might be one of my fave TV characters of all time. Wish she had more screen time.) I even went backward in time and saw Bridget Jones’s Diary for the first time–I allowed my curiosity for why this was such a phenomenon to outweigh my hate for Renee Zellweger. The movie stinks and I have no idea why they were compelled to make 3 of them or what was cutting edge about a thirty year old woman who drinks and smokes a lot (see: SATC series AND movies.) I discovered that my favorite Sophie Kinsella book Can You Keep A Secret was made into a low budget film that I assume was straight to streaming with Alexandra Daddario and Tyler Hoechlin. Also recommend for anyone who loves an awkward as hell rom com. And I even went so far as to sign up for a free trial of HBO (setting a reminder to cancel before they charged me an outrageous $15) so I could finally get my peepers on I’ll Be Gone in the Dark and subsequently ask my mom to close the door of the bedroom next to me so I can be sure the Golden State Killer wasn’t hiding in there waiting to rape and kill me. Good news, he was finally sentenced this week so we’re all safe from HIM but once you hear a phone call with heavy breathing and “I’ll kill you bitch”, there’s really no reassuring your fears. I also took it upon myself to rewatch Crash from 2005 with my free trial week. Turns out, a movie about racism and anger still holds up today… AND THAT WAS ALL IN ONE WEEK, FOLKS! YA THINK I NEED A JOB OR SOMETHING?! I mean, I just turned Mac’s birthday into a rant about how much television I consumed this week. If that’s not a talent, I don’t know what is. Felt like I needed to get that off of my chest. Plz feel free to DM me for more in depth reviews/rec’s of all of my consumption. Also, to bring it back to Mac…here’s Brenda Song’s loving bday tribute to him. I was literally shocked to be reminded that these two are dating. Seems like things are going swell though.

 

PS almost forgot to include that I watched this masterpiece last Friday and go right ahead and put it in the cheesy dance movie top 10 because WOOO what a masterpiece. Despite the fact that the lead character leaves frizzy hair in two solid chunks in her face for the whole movie and refuses to wear anything other than baggy khakis and chunky sneaks like she’s Working Girl and not a high school student in 2020.

 

5. MUSIC TIME!

Here’s the portion of the show where I don’t have enough headlines to yap about this week (or last…I double dipped) so I throw up some songs and youtube videos that brought me joy.

 

The Barden Bella’s came back to sing one of my all-time favorite Beyonce songs. Of course, I use the term sing suuuuuuuuuper loosely because all of them are 9000% lip syncing but whatever it’s all in good fun. Close your eyes and groove it out. Bonus points to Brittany Snow for working in a fan for Beyonce hair.

 

I’ve always loved Jaaaayyyyy-SuuuNNnnn DeRUUUUUUllloooooooo and this song is fun and the video has a whole lot to look at. But in a good way. Not in a WAP way.

Also, check out this 10 year old drummer who is cooler than I will EVER be.

 

BONUS: After a hiatus from the world of youths and never understanding what it is they’re looking for in snappy 50 second videos, I made my triumphant return to the Tok and have been posting whatever the hell I feel like posting and then watching in awe as the shortest & least funny video takes off in views and likes. Apparently there’s a real treasure trove of One Tree Hill fans living in TikTok world. Who knew.

 

 

@thesaltyju

When your #folklore CD comes a month after you ordered it with star confetti and NOT a personal cardigan from Taylor Swift herself. 🙄 ✌🏽

♬ exile – Taylor Swift

 

 

@thesaltyju

#Dance like nobody is watching. Or like your dad is doing an FB Live show and you want to show off your fresh moves while he tunes his guitar #sytycd

♬ Nominate – Stonebwoy

 

 

 

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 8/12/19

1. Lover.

Typical Tay, dropping 15 singles off of her album before the album officially comes out and then there’s like one song we haven’t heard yet from it. Coming off of a moody “The Archer”, this is a bold move to release another deep, slow tune. And let’s not pussyfoot around this, it’s basically her proposing through a song. So obviously, the bitter love-hating bitch that I am, I immediately wanted to be like nope, not for me. But then she warmed my cold dead heart, as only mah gurl T can do, and I was a puddle by the end of it. Obviously the best lyrics are “my heart’s been borrowed and yours has been blue, all’s well that ends well to end up with you.” It ain’t even a competition. What a wordsmith she is. And I’ll save you the quick google search because all I did was look up the lyrics and I saw 9898239802 articles titled “All of the references to Joe Alwyn in Taylor Swift’s new song.” OH YOU DON’T SAY?! The song she wrote about loving someone forever is about the guy she’s been dating for 3 years?! GET OUT OF TOWN. Also if you really wanna go down a rabbit hole (which I always do), look up the lyrics on Lyrics Genius and see that Taylor is such a boss that pretty much every song she writes is tied in some way to another song she’s written. HOW DOES HER BRAIN WORK?! Anyway, enjoy loving love with this new song and cue the countdown to her and Joe’s engagement.

2. The Last Song.

Miley going toe to toe with Taylor this week, except her song is about her marriage falling apart. YOIKES. After I saw Miley twerking in Lake Como on Saturday captioning it “living her best life”, I was like hm something is fishy here–that is a cookie cutter I’M SINGLE NOW post. Then the statement was released that her and Liam are separated and even though I was out drinking at the time, I took it upon myself to scoop everyone in my contacts list on the news. Felt good. Not only because scooping others on celebrity gossip is a high like no other (even when they don’t care) but also because I’ve been V. vocal about the fact that Liam is too good for Miley and I hated them together. I did start to back off on my hate parade once she calmed down (maybe she heard Taylor’s song before it was released?) and then they got married. But obviously one can only mask their partying ways for so long. As she documented herself getting after it in George Clooney’s hometown, it came out that she was smooching it up with Kaitlynn, formerly Jenner but not really because they were never legally married. Stay with me here, folks.

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WHICH IS SUCH A LOOK AT ME MOVE. I will bet my left tit that these two were mixing up some vodka sodeys on this yacht and were like, wouldn’t it be hilarious if we made out and everyone would go WILD?! And then they did. And everyone did. Brody had some introspective post then said he and Liam Hemsworth would be holding hands on the beach, Miley clapped back with the anthem for sluts this summer: #hotgirlsummer and while all of this Hills drama was happening…I was meeting Audrina.

Probably bigger news than those two ratchets making out honestly and that’s why I couldn’t let it slip under the radar. We didn’t talk Justin Bobby and for that I will always be disappointed in myself, but I did get to witness her get on the mic and go “If you know the Hills, you know this song” in dumb Audrina speak and then bump Natasha Bedingfield’s “Unwritten” into a sea of white drunk people who don’t know the words to a song from 2007 that was best known for playing in the background of LC driving a convertible around LA. What a time to be alive.

3. Boy Meets Baby Robot.

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The original Boy came to meet our boy. ❤️

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First of all, lolz to the fact that this fuzzy Brillo head looks exactly the same. Second of all, don’t post pics of your kid if you don’t want anyone to see their face. That makes LITERALLY no sense to me and I can’t get past the robot emoji. I’m like ohhh cute pic DID YOU BIRTH A ROBOT?! It was shocking and not in a good way. So kinda took away the aw’s for me to be honest. But either way, you know that I’m true to all 90’s nostalgia and couldn’t let this one slide by, especially because I’ve just added a Boy Meets World graphic tee into my rotation and I’m pretty excited for its debut. Cory & Topanga 43v3r.

4. Megan Not-so-FOXy

Ferrari's 60th Anniversary In The USA Gala

My boy David Silver went on KFC Radio this week and shared a nice little tidbit that Megan Fox basically begged him to date her and it wasn’t until she was like I guess I’ll go find someone else that he was like NO, WAIT! CLAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCCCC guy move. Apparently he wasn’t over his previous relationship yet but like she should probably just wait until he’s ready to date, right?! He then quickly realized he was being a douchenozzle and agreed to date her. Look, I’ve openly admitted on more than one occasion that I don’t get the Megan Fox obsession. I mean yeah, she’s pretty but people like want to die a thousand deaths for how hot she is and I’m just like meh. Alright. Like let’s not be stunned by the fact that he wasn’t interested right away. Maybe they went on a date and he was like damn she’s not funny at all. (Cough cough: when she did that stint on New Girl I wanted to poke my eyes clean out of my head because it was so unfunny and terrible and basically all she does is play the hot girl in anything.) Do I sound jealous? Probably and I’m ok with that. While we’re on a rampage here, the 90210 reboot STIIIIIIINKS. Sorry, guys. Carry on.

5. The Fall of Katy. Again.

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You know. After I met Katy, we sang a worship song, “open the eyes of my heart” She was cool and kind. When other people were around she was cold as ice even called the act of kissing me “gross” to the entire set while filming. Now I was pretty embarrassed but kept giving my all, as my ex was busy cheating on me and my daughter was just a toddler, I knew I had to endure for her sake. After the first day of shooting, Katy invited me to a strip club in Santa Barbara. I declined and told her “I have to go back to hotel and rest, because this job is all I have right now” So I saw Katy a couple times after her break up with Russel. This one time I brought a friend who was dying to meet her. It was Johny Wujek’s birthday party at moonlight roller way. And when I saw her, we hugged and she was still my crush. But as I turned to introduce my friend, she pulled my Adidas sweats and underwear out as far as she could to show a couple of her guy friends and the crowd around us, my penis. Can you imagine how pathetic and embarrassed i felt? I just say this now because our culture is set on proving men of power are perverse. But females with power are just as disgusting. So for all her good she is an amazing leader, hers songs are mainly great empowering anthems. And that is it. I continued to watch her use clips of her music videos for her world tour and then her dvd, only highlighting one of her male co-stars, and it was me. I made around 650 in total off of teenage dream. I was lorded over by her reps, about not discussing a single thing about anything regarding Katy publicly. And a couple interviews they edited and answered for me. So, happy anniversary to one of the most confusing, assaulting, and belittling jobs I’ve ever done. Yay #teenagedream I was actually gonna play the song and sing it on ukele for the anniversary, but then as I was tuning I thought, fuck this, I’m not helping her bs image another second.

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It seems like Katy Perry has been on a rollercoaster only careening toward the ground basically since this song came out. She had feuds with Taylor Swift, became a judge on American Idol, went out on tour but her tickets ended up on Groupon, and now everyone’s accusing her of sexual assault and stealing music. Even dressing up as a hamburger and hugging Taylor Swift in YNTCD couldn’t save her. The male star of this video, Josh Kloss, just decided to use the 10 year anniv of the song to be like hey I’ll never celebrate this dirt-ass song because while I was starring in the video Katy was a total B, said kissing me was gross, and then also ripped my pants off at a roller skating rink and showed everyone my wiener. Not a great look, KP. Song still bangs though.

 

 

And if you want to feel like Miley and Kaitlynn (and every other young ho) this weekend… HERE YA GO:

Not gonna lie this song is catchy as hell even though it doesn’t inspire me to bang strange all summer long.

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JUice, Pop Culture

Weekly JUice

Week of May 7th, 2018

1. Taylor Tour Week.

Katy Perry Taylor Swift Credit: Taylor Swift/Instagram

Since Tay is the queen of self-promotion, she started a social media countdown to her tour where she revealed BTS deets each day on Insta Story. On the first day of her tour she showed the above snippet of an ACTUAL OLIVE BRANCH that Katy Perry sent her and apparently everything is gumdrops between those two now. KENYOUNOT, Katy? Can this “feud” forever be over and we never have to hear about it again?! I’m annoyed at both of them for playing this up for publicity. Speaking of, deets from the first show were released as they always are, and Taylor makes a long ass speech about being bullied by Kim Kardashian and the snake emoji before she sings Love Live (which is one of her worst songs, BTW) So cheers to a tour that I cannot afford because her cheapest tickets were $300 a piece and playing up the Kimmy/Katy feud for the rest of time. Do I sound bitter? Oh, that’s because I am.

reputationsnakereputation tour

2. New J.May.

I’ve had a hard stance on loving Continuum-era-John, where he was being a borderline racist and sexist pig in public appearances, but his music was hot fire flames at that time. Since then I’ve never really been all in on whatever he’s released. This easy listening with weird xylophone sounds in the background weren’t really doing it for me but I do like when he amps it up in the middle. I also can appreciate him wearing the hell out of that straight from the 90’s windbreaker.

3. New Selenaassss.

Selena Gomez dropped a new single to coincide with promoting season two of 13 Reasons Why. Can’t say I’ll be tuning in for that comeback since the first season was so depressing that I was basically messed up for a month after watching it. BUT I can say that I do love this new tune. I also happen to know the writer of this song from back in the college days, an opener for Eric Hutchinson in my school auditorium, so that’s pRETTY kewl. It’s also really fun to read headline after headline saying this new song is about Justin Bieber when I know for a FACT that Selena had no hand in writing this. So unless my pal (we follow each other on social media) Micah is hung up on the Biebz, I’m gonna have to say that’s false.

Update: 

Just scooping up relashe news like nobody’s biz. You heard it here first. The real story behind the music.

4. Jesse & The Mini Ripper

ISN’T THAT THE CUTEST THING YOU’VE EVER SEEEEEEN? False. This is:

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JK JK, lil Billy supporting the Rips and Danny and Becky looking on adoringly is as cute as it gets. Even cuter than two drunk adults wearing matching Jesse and the Rippers tees for a 90’s themed pub crawl. PLAY US OUT, JESS. (He can remake the video IRL now!)

5. Let’s Keep Making Fun of Kanye.

Look. you can tell when there’s not enough headlines to complete the JUice. I’m gonna be up front with you. It was a slow week. But I’m committed to the blog life and still wanted to give you new content. So here’s an SNL sketch from Saturday that makes fun of all the Kanyizzle tweets I posted a few weeks ago. For someone who never watches SNL anymore or looks at skits after they air, I felt like this was a good one to share. Cause the JUice revolves around Chrissy Teigen’s gumbo and if I was ever forced to stay quiet for any period of time you can guarantee I would be dead. Pooptydescooop, indeed.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/13/17

1. Sexiest Man Alive Continues to be HOT GARBAGE.

blake

Look, I’ve been outraged by People’s choice for as long as I’ve had this blog. The first year I was so fired up that I wrote a whole blog dedicated to it. Now I’m just jaded. I’ve come to accept that Sexiest Man Alive is the biggest Hollywood hack job and I think it’s time that we move on and ignore People every year until they do away with this title. Because internet outrage is still attention for them and they love the shit out of that. Ignore them like the smelly kid at recess and show them that putting a country singer whose been around for 900 years and is most well known for hosting a reality singing show and gallivanting around with Ms. No Doubt DOES NOT DESERVE THE TITLE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE. #TeamMiranda4Lyfe

2. VS Fashion Show Lineup. Interesting marketing tactic for pulling in viewers to the annual “watch skinny girls strut around in comically over-sized wings to today’s pop hits”. Tossing together Taylor Swift, Katy Perry & Harry Styles. Obviously Tay & Hay had a past fling and Tay and Kay had a past feud. So, they’re trying to stir up some shit but in reality they probably are kept apart by publicists and each perform their own hit and that will be that. Does it make me a big lez if I’m more excited to see what “bad Tay” will don for lingerie considering her last appearance featured her wearing this:

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If so, then I’m AOK with that. Update: Just before I published, there’s a story being tossed around that Katy’s visa or whatever isn’t approved to perform at this show. Fingers crossed this is true. WE ALL KNOW WHO THE WEAK LINK IS HERE, GUYS.

3. Congrats on the Sex. HEY DID YOU GUYS KNOW THAT SARAH HYLAND AND WELLS ADAMS ARE DATING? Because once Halloween and that picture of the two of them dressed up as Stranger Things characters hit the airwaves it was like a floodgate in Sarah’s oversharing on social media tactic was opened and now we as the public are basically intimately a part of their relationship. They banter on twitter, they both post pictures almost daily & then she gets pissed at everyone for telling her that she’s oversharing. You know, normal stuff. I will say exactly what I said on my Reputation review…it’s fabulous that you’re happy but like THE KEY TO HAPPINESS IS NOT BARFING YOUR RELATIONSHIP ALL OVER SOCIAL MEDIA SO EVERYONE CAN COMMENT ON IT BECAUSE YOU’RE FAMOUS AND THEY THINK THEY KNOW YOU. End rant.

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Two more reasons to smile again. My big🥄& furry🥄

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4. Barf City, Population: Me.

Gee, thanks Nicki for making me barf uncontrollably all over my keyboard. That’s it. That’s all I got.

5. Tree Hill is not a place where everything’s better and everything’s safe. As a very public OTH superfan, it would be inapprops of me not to report the reason it became a highly discussed show this week… 5 years after it stopped airing. The latest on the long list of Hollywoood pervs is Marc Schwann, creator and showrunner of OTH, and current showrunner of equally as delicious trash teen TV show, The Royals. According to this letter that was released mid-week, Schwann sucks. Leading the charge were public feminists and whistleblowers Hilarie Burton (called out Ben Affleck REAL HARD for some boob grabbing) and Sophia Bush (calls out everyone, always). In summary–pls follow the tweets below for everyone’s commentary–a female writer spoke out against Marc, all the OTH girls got on a conference call and drafted a public letter, all the men tweeted their support, lead of The Royals speaks out, ladies of the Royals pen their own British version of the OTH letter, all the men tweet their support, Marc is suspended pending investigation & Elizbeth Hurley is like I’ve never been harassed once in my life, so IDK what’s going on. SAARRRYYY. My take on this from the many different stories that I read is that Marc is kinda an egomaniac douchenozzle in general. Kind of puts OTH and the Royals in an icky light though if he’s running shows about young kids and being a real cr33p. Since this is quite the hot button issue these days and I don’t want to come off as insensitive, I’ll just give out the information and you can do with it what you will. I know. Mark this moment in history as the only time I’ve held back my opinions so as not to stir the pot. HOWEVER, I WILL SAY…Grubbs the bartender made a statement of support and from Chad Michael Murray, THE MAIN CHARACTER OF THE ENTIRE SERIES? We got nothin. He retweeted something and that was that. YIIIIIKKES. #BurnLucasDownSIS

THE ROYALS:

 

 

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JUice, Music

Weekly JUice: Taylor Swift Edition

Week of 8/21/17: The Week Badd Bitch Taylor Swift Rose from the Dead

Everyone who is anyone knows I brought The Salty Ju out of a boring celebrity summer retirement for Tay’s new music BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY I’VE ONLY BEEN PATIENTLY WAITING 3 YEARS FOR THIS SHIT.

Why don’t we break it down piece by piece since there’s CLEARLY nothing else going on in celeb news lately (cough cough nice try with your garbage swish swish music video, Katy Perry.)

1. Snake.  Everyone sounded the alarms last week when Tay cleared all social media. Rumbles were heard that she was gearing up for an announcement and I sat back and girded my loins. It was the 3 year anniversary of her announcing 1989 in typical over the top fashion and I kept quiet about it but I was ready. This week, on her creepy, no picture social media, she releases a cryptic terrifying snake video three days in a row. What eclipse? It’s Taylor’s new music week AND WE ALL MUST DISSECT THIS 3 SECOND SOUNDLESS VID.

Obvious assumption: girl’s about to CLAP BACK at Kim and Kanye because as you’ll recall they decided to come after her about approving the lyric calling her a bitch in “Famous” by posting a sketchy phone call on snap chat with a bunch of snake emojis. She didn’t want to be included in that narrative at the time but I GUESS SHE DOES NOW because that narrative will make her some coin. Other theories included her going after Katy Perry but like if Taylor is low enough to respond to someone who clearly used their dumbass old feud to publicize her shitty new album and tour then I refuse to respect this new music. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll listen to the shit out of it, but I WILL NOT respect it if she’s still entertaining jabs at someone who clearly sucks at life and makes an offensively bad beef song called Swish, Swish.

2. Reputation. And on the THIRD day, Tay gave us an album cover, title and release date. And I was like WE HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL NOVEMBER FOR THIS SHIT?! Seriously. 1989 came out when I lived in Boston. THAT WAS A LIFETIME AGO. My 1989 review was the first blog I published. Don’t you guys feel like you’ve been reading The Salty Ju FOR-EV-ER now?! THEN…I realize that Tay is going all 8th grade angst punk rock. She’s got the slicked hair/dark lips, the Good Charlotte font and the Ashlee Simpson throwback album cover. WHOA. Was not expecting that from her. Curveball, Tay. Don’t get her angry you little snakes or she’ll go emo.

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But I digress. I got ready for this single, with hopes soaring high that it would be good enough to hold me over until NO-VEM-BER. Basically I just assumed Taylor in full-on angst mode would be several variations of “I Know Places.” Which was BOMB. (Spoiler alert: definitely nothing like hunters and foxes.)

3. Look What You Made Me Do. I went to bed at 9:43PM last night and set an alarm for midnight so I wouldn’t miss this release. I would say that’s dedication but it’s actually just embarrassing. Just a year ago I was able to stay up for the release of JT’s comeback single (if we count writing a banger for an animated movie about Trolls a comeback) and now I’m too old to stay up past 10 without an alarm. I shame myself so you don’t have to. Turns out she released it at 11:30 like a real dick and I could’ve just stayed awake for it. Either way, here are my immediate first impressions upon a listen at 12:01 AM in my bed as I scrambled to open Spotify on my laptop:

Oh ok, we’re doing theater music with those fairy dust opening piano bars without words. Aaaand just kidding now I’m terrified. YIKES this is creepy. And THEN to top it all off, we get talking Tay, as she tends to do to amp up the drama:

“I’m sorry, the old Taylor can’t come to the phone right now.”

“Why?”

“Oh ’cause she’s dead!”

OH SHITTTTtTTTTTtTtTTT

So yeah. First listen was a rollercoaster of emotions (most of them hate). But you know what? It’s just Tay being Tay. And I’m here for it. Obviously Taylor Swift is dramatic AF and acts like a G-D thirteen year old, which really caters to her preteen fans but like if you expected anything less at this point then you’re wrong. She’s going to capitalize on every feud/breakup, act like the victim, then write a sassy tell all song about it and that’s a fact, Jack. Get on board or get off of this planet. H8ers will be bumping this by next week.

4.  Fan Reactions that made me LoL.

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LoLoL swifties.

5. Video Sneak Peek. IT’S SENSORY OVERLOAD. Single drops last night, teasers of the music video this morning on GMA, which will be premiered in full at that trash ass awards show that MTV still allows themselves to air every year. Do I want to endure the VMA’s with Katy Perry as host? Absolutely not. Will I do it to see that video? YOU BETCHA. Here is the badd bitch in all her claw havin’ snake glory:

So we’re really pushing with the snake theme, huh? Also OF COURSE Todrick would be front and center in this sassy dance posse lineup. Anyway, if this video is ANYTHING like the Blank Space vid and it looks like it is, then YES.

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Pop Culture, Uncategorized

Celeb-oween 2016

As per tradish, here’s a rundown of all the celeb costumes I could find — from offensive, to naked and everything in between. And of course, the winner of this year’s “accidentally racist” costume that they immediately needed to issue an apology for is…….

Casamigos Tequila Halloween Party

YIKES. Outta left field with that one! Didn’t expect sweet ole Hil (who dressed as a basic bitch black cat last year) to fall for this trap.

Also to be clear, every gossip site who described her getup as a “sexy pilgrim” costume should also be issuing apologies because there is nothing sexy about a pilgrim.

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Miss Piggy & Kermit. My OG @allymaki

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Colton Haynes has been creepin up on Heidi Klum as Halloween extraordinare but enough is enough. I understand that Miss Piggy as a character is a slutty pig, but that doesn’t mean we need to see her naked, playboy style. TOO FAR, COLTON.

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Ok last one I promise 🦄🦄🦄🦄

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This year’s unicorn costume SLAAAYYYYY.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BMIf0TsgX_S/?taken-by=nicolerichie

Enough time has passed since the incident for this to be ok. Hil, take notes. Getting mauled by a tiger? Give it some time and then ease back into it. Native Americans, on the other hand? Always a no.

No clue what this is supposed to be.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BMNB8iEDcRw/?taken-by=therealsarahhyland

Hey what’re you dressed as tonight? Fairy Queen of the Swamp.

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Tinkerbell is a spunky one ✨💫✨

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What a perfect costume for CCB. Prayers to whoever is rocking those giant feet next to her.

My fave couple killing it power ranger style.

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About last night 🤘🏻#CasamigosHalloween

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Fam Goalz.

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Creep like a Ninja

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Glen Powell, better known as Chad Radwell with my favorite costume of the year. HI-YAHHHH.

Always a good time to throw it back to Alfalfa.

Whoa.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BMLMmcBBjtg/?taken-by=scoutlaruewillis&hl=en

WTF IS THIS?! I’ve never wanted to unsee something more.

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have you ever seen a more "why me?" face 😭

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Needs more flair

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Baby Luna CRUSHED Halloween. See Chrissy’s insta for no less than 1000 pictures of the little nugget modeling different costumes.

Speaking of nuggets, here’s ole smooth moves over here as Marty McFly.

As always, winners of the fam costume.

 

ariel-winter3

And so we begin the “friendly” portion of Halloween. Playboy bunny from someone who I wouldn’t be surprised to see a sex tape from in 2017.

bellathorne

You know how cowgirls love to wear their lingerie with a bedazzled belt over it.

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I’m not following on this number for Julianne Hough.

SHE WORE THIS WITH HER CHILDREN. THEY ARE OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW HOW RIDICULOUS THIS IS.

xtina

I’m torn here. This is so spot on but like also tone it down with the skankwad costumes every year, girl.

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Thanks for showing us your nips.

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Ah yes, of course. “Santa”. If Santa had never seen a cookie in his life and also wore sparkly hot pants.

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It felt right to follow up the sexy anything segment of this blog with Mindy’s Cap Sully costume. Which of course, is the opposite of sexy.

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BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK!

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Bey & Blue in an ode to Salt n Pepa

Celebrities attend Kate Hudsons annual Halloween Party in Los Angeles

Katy Perry upgrading from the time she dressed as a literal cheeto, to full-on Hil. Not sure why Orlando Bloom is Trump instead of Slick Willy. Pretty weird coups costume dynamic.

Casamigos Tequila Halloween Party

LC Queen of DIY Halloween with another banger.

"Matthew Morrison hosts his 7th Annual Halloween-Birthday Party Presented by Freixenet Cava and Podwall Entertainment at Hyde, Los Angeles"

Nina Dobrev’s “I’m a complete dope” face really completes this costume.

Casamigos Tequila Halloween Party

Real life Ryan Lochte went for terrifying this year.

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Is this a real rabbit because it is creepy AF.

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Zach Braff looks like a babe soda

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Stranger Things from Amy & her hot boyf. Truth bomb, that hairstyle doesn’t look unrealistic with Amy’s face.

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Only time will tell if everyone gets outraged at Kelly for dressing up as Beyonce. Seems like a touchy subject lately. Cough cough, Amy Schumer.

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Hard pass to Michael Strahan as Pikachu.

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Well this is, interesting.

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LEO! WHY COVER THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE OF YOURS?!

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Nothin’ quite like dressing up as your younger self and realizing how old you are.

demi-nick

Demi looks like a dime.

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Today Show tackled the 90’s, which of course I approve.

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Is this the first year Matt has dressed as a male character?

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Even the Today Show pup is killin it.

tamron

Seems a little early in the morning for a hooker costume, but whatevs.

roker

Did I doooooo thaaaaaattt?

regkathieleehoda

I cannot and will not stop laughing at Kathie’s Reg face.

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Jenna Bush mailing it in and “dressing up” as her Grandma.

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Ellen and a very low key Heidi Klum as Sia and Maddie. Tough look to have multiple Sia’s in the daytime TV world.

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I already posted a solo shot of Candace as Tink, but it’s necessary to look at the whole cast of The View. Did they not learn ANYTHING from Today Show’s abomination of Peanuts last year? CARTOONS DON’T WORK IRL. This is what nightmares are made of.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN.

End of the day update (since I guess people actually dress up ON Halloween…whatever.)

WAY better than the power rangers. Cause, Doodle.

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We get it, Mario. You’re ripped.

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Enough with the Trolls. The movie isn’t even out yet and JT’s been hawking it since May. Also, those feet.

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Saw a lot of Lochte but didn’t see any Phelps face and I ‘preciate this. Gabby on the other hand is SO four years ago.

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It’s not fair.

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Do better Tay. I mean, I get that you’re bragging that you know Ryan Reynolds by wearing the actual costume, but also the squad can do better than a bunch of basic costumes. Especially when you’re all rich AF.

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Channing COULD NEVER be the beast.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BMQTZoXB5d-/?taken-by=beyonce

Barbie dreams come true. But that second Insta Blue is CLEARLY like ok enough pics let’s go get some G-D candy now.

And for the big reveal…Heidi Klum’s infamous costume this year that she built up for FAR TOO LONG is

Taking a page out of Kimmy K’s book from last year, Heidi dressed up as herself then took it one step further and dressed up 5 other women like herself, complete with face prosthetics. Kewl.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 8/8/16

1. Dance Goals.

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We had to. #stepup10years

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Step Up is a top five dance movie that made us all believe that we will fall in love with a hunky piece of meat who can toss us around on the dance floor because Jenna and Channing got married. Well they’re keeping the dream alive by recreating the OG Step Up move 10 years later. I don’t ever want to imagine a life where these two don’t dance together every night. First with Lip Sync Battle, now with this, I’ll be disappointed if this isn’t a daily ritual.

2. Phelps wins 1 billion gold medals.

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Michael Phelps is like 100 and still blowing everyone out of the water (PUN INTENDED.) He may have become an internet meme for a hot second, but then he was hey Twitter, suck on my 22 Gold medals, BETCH. This is my sports coverage for the week…a picture of Phelps in da zone aka smelling a fart. It’s probably the best you’re gonna get unless you’d like my unfiltered opinions on Ryan “Jeah” Lochte’s hair (it’s dumb) and THE FINAL FIVE (they have eternal wedgies that make me tug at my own underwear as if I too have a leotard stuffed up my buhhole.) And THAT’s my Olympics coverage. GET ON MY LEVEL, BOB COSTA!

3. NSYNC reunites to remind us they’re old AF.

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JC's 40th… And, if you don't know now you know…

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I would give my left nip for a full-on N*SYNC reunion and this is what they think will satisfy us? A picture that Lance probably had to photobomb because he wasn’t asked to be in it, at JC’s 40th birthday party. FORTY. HOLY COW. Be older, JC. You can’t. Seriously if there can be a tour of Ryan Cabrera and O*Town this summer, then N*SYNC can hit the stage again. I don’t care if it’s half-assed, I mean you could literally start a Vegas residency just for “dancing” like Britney does, as long as you deliver the top N*SYNC hits, I’ll be there with bells on. What I realize now that I’ve typed this out is that I’d probably be fine with just like a bar playing N*SYNC’s discography on a Saturday night. But until then, we’ll always have this pic. Stay golden, JT.

4. Orlando Bloom and Katy Perry show us the goods. A week ago Orlando Bloom let it all hang for a casual paddle boarding adventure in Italy. I didn’t do the JUice last week, but if I did, I probably would’ve included the pic, mostly because it took me about 30 seconds to find the uncensored version and text it to everyone I know. Hey how’s it going? Here’s Orlando Bloom’s impressive D and droolworthy body. Obviously there was no reason for him to be ass naked when Katy Perry was fully clothed, other than the fact that he’s attractive and famous and he can. When in Rome (Sardinia) do as the Romans (Sardinians) do and take your dick out for vacation, I guess. ICYMI, here’s the censored version (that shadow though…) Since I don’t condone porning up my website you can turn to twitter for the full monty. Or my cell phone photos…

orlando-bloom-katy-perry

Anyway, this week, Katy Perry was like hey I’ve got a set of tits that everyone probably wants to see, and she was probz feeling upstaged by the amount of attention her boyf’s little nudey row was getting, so she decided to spice it up for a pic. By showing her buttcheek. Really, girl? That’s all you got? STEP IT UP.

 5. JRodg pretending to be famous.

Hey guys, now that they can talk about it, JoJo and Jord are going to vomit their love all over social media. This includes the most awkward hover arm picture of Jordan and his “good Nashville buddy” Brett. No seriously, they’re really tight. Also JoJo looks like a smokeshow and I’m obviously bitter about it.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/11/16

1. Bruh. Delete your Twitter. As if the Taylor/Calvin breakup wasn’t annoying enough, someone whispered into the wind that Tay actually wrote “This is What We Came For”-Calvin and RiRi’s smash summer hit under the pseudonym “Nils Sjoberg” (because that’s a normal name to come up with on the fly) and wanted to keep it a secret so as not to steal any spotlight from her then beau. Well spotlight has been ripped because the deed is done and instead of accepting that, Calvin took to twitter like a 9th grade girl scorned and writing a scathing away message to tell us all just what he thinks about that.

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When you’re surrounded by a team of people paid to make you look good at all times, at what point do they just change your twitter password and rip your phone from your hands? Calvin. Shhhh. You’re coming off really stupid right now. If you had left it at the first tweet everyone would’ve been like aw , that’s nice and carried on with their days. Instead you went on a whiny rant and dragged Katy Perry into the mix. Supes unnecessary. Meanwhile, Taylor’s busy cashing in on a very public romance tour with a guy who definitely isn’t as hot as you…and you won’t shut your yapper about it. Now that I’m done scolding Calv, I think it would be an ideal time to share with everyone that I’m now a Hiddleswift truther after reading two very convincing Buzzfeeds that their relationship is actually all part of a performance art piece ala Lemonade to drop in September. If you too would like to see the light of this hideously obnoxious music video in the making, click here for part one and here for part two. You may now go in peace to ignore all future movements by Hiddleswift and kick back for the main event in a few months.

2. Stop guessing if women are pregs just because we ate a big lunch. 

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If we are to believe that Taylor is purposefully flaunting all the stages of a relationship to send everyone a message to stop being so up in her shit about her love life, AND WE ARE, let’s add to the list that generally speaking the media should crawl out of the female vagina as a whole. What I’m referring to of course, is Jennifer Aniston’s essay as a result of someone trying to guess if she is pregnant for the 1 zillionth time. Spoiler alert: she’s not, and she’d like to have a little water weight without there being a twitter poll on what she’ll be naming her baby. And you know what? PREACH, GRL. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been photographed frolicking on the beach in St. Barts and my friends are calling me non-stop to see why they had to find out from Star Magazine that I was expecting. JK. Or am I? No but seriously one time I posed in front of the Christmas tree in a form-fitting sweater with my hands in front of my stomach and my mom’s friend asked if I was pregnant. SO THE HURT IS REAL. Not only was it presumptuous to assume that I was getting some, but also IT WAS CHRISTMAS COOKIE SEASON. I had a belly full of cutouts and green frosting and that seems pretty obvious. But I digress, and applaud Jen for finally telling everyone to STFU, in an extremely classy and well-written way, like she should’ve done roughly 10 years ago. Read the complete post HERE!

3. Watch this with the lights down low.

Seriously at this point you understand that my crush on JJ Decker just by herself, and then Eric Decker just by himself and then the two of them as a couple is pretty overwhelming. Well, then they lay this shit on me?! Oh, let’s just frolic and make out and toss each other around like we do on any other Monday night at home! I think I actually drooled a little bit while watching this and I couldn’t even tell you who I was focusing on, because it doesn’t matter. They’re both gorge.

4.Elle Woods 4Ever.

Legally Blonde turned 15 years old this week so Reese Witherspoon showed us all she’s still got it with a bend and snap and also by trying on all of the movie’s original costumes that of course still fit her. She’s 40. What a babe. That pink golf hat should be burned at the stake though.

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Seriously. 😂💖 #LegallyBlonde15

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5. Emmy Noms Takeaway.

Browse very long list right hurrrrrrr.

I always get excited when shows I watched are nominated for Emmy’s because it proves to me that not everything I watch is t-rash. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that Lip Sync Battle probably doesn’t belong on that list for “Outstanding Structured Reality Show”. Structured? Rly? Anyway, other highlights include UnReal and Constance Zimmer getting some recognition for being a boss bitch #moneydickpower. The People vs. OJ Simpson getting a lot of love (Sarah Paulson for the W) but like, did they toss David Schwimmer in there so he wouldn’t feel left out because his portrayal of Ross portraying Robert Kardashian was lolworthy. Even if he did spark a supercut of “Juice” that could basically be the theme song for this weekly installment. Making a Murderer squeezed in (props to me for jumping on that binge bandwagon) and Amy Schumer was of course littered throughout for her comedy specials and Inside Amy, because it is the year of her. Beyonce even got a little somethin somethin for Lemonade…further convincing me that I need to see that. Then I remember I have to buy it and say hmm better not. And those are my REAL educated overall gut reactions to the nomz. YA WELCOME.

BONUS: Blake is still kiLLin it.

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Red Carpet

Met Gala Red Carpet 2016

Welcome to the Met Gala, where all the tweens are invited and there’s always a weird theme that the Olsen Twins promptly ignore. This year’s theme was: Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology…whatever the F that means. Let’s judge.

Woof:

dakotajohnson

Kewl stars, Dakota.

Did Solange just dye last year’s dress yellow and add some latex leggings? #LEMONADE

emmaroberts

Not only is this a granny dress but her face is scarin me.

zendaya

THAT BOWL CUT THOUGH. DAMN.

jimmy

madonna

On what planet does anyone want to see Madonna’s nips or buhhole?

katy-perry

Katy Perry is quickly becoming the next Gaga with her dumb outfits and I will not go quietly into the night about this. I do miss my tamogatchi though.

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How does one accentuate their curves? By adding a bunch of buckles, apparently.

olsens

Ever the rebels, the twins show up in cloaks as per usual. Endless ciggs have been treating MK’s face well. She looks suuupes youthful.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

What fresh hell is this seaweed dress, Cindy Lou Who hair combo, Lupey?

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Beyonce looks good because she always looks good but I hate this dress. The color, the latex, not for me. SARRY guess I’m just Becky with the good hair.

kimye

Kim doesn’t look tha worst, but Kanye VIBES West ruined it.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

I feel bad consistently putting Kris on the worst dressed, because you can tell she tries so hard but like, let your daughters outshine you and retire the choker.

MET Gala 2016

Speaking from someone with 100% natty boobs, I don’t know if it’s normal for fake tits to sit at someone’s throat but something isn’t right here, LaLa.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Just, wtf is this. Save this bad boy for a 4th of July beach cover-up.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

If she had covered her bodice more I would’ve been down with this because the silver feathers are elegant. But I can live without seeing your crack whisper out of the tailfeather.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

This year’s sponsored by Hefty, Trash Bag Edition.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Following up the garbage bag dress, here’s random recyclables sewn togets.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Do Less.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Hey Ciara, every man above 60 called and they want their toup back:

karl

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Love that the feathers weren’t enough, there also needed to be a majestic butterfly fluttering across this gown.

MET Gala 2016

I looked right at this outfit and had to do a double take thinking it was 15 years ago and Jen Lindley was attending the ball.

jenbangs

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

What’s happening here?

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Furrever 15.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

This looks like a costume from Practical Magic.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

I mean, typs for Gaga.

jaredleto

Never wear a white tux if you’re a white and that’s obvious.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

I can’t even look at this dress because it feels like Katie is staring into my soul.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

It’s possible Karlie landed on the worst dressed purely out of jealousy.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

HEY Kerry’s preggers again. Also she’s attending a Halloween party.

Yaasss:

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This pose made me laugh for several minutes and I’m not afraid to admit it. The look is actually great, especially for hairy, scary Lorde, but that side head is outrageous.

brielarson

Brie’s closing out a hot red carpet season with this sparkler.

emmastone

I’m digging the dark locks on Emma. Plus this dress honors the theme without being outrageous.

Irachel-mcadams

I think I drooled looking at this picture. Nbd.

amyschumer

I wish her hair wasn’t so erect but the dress is hot stuff.

ninadobrev

This dress is flattering in every way.

rami-malek

I’ve got a thang for blue tuxes.

clairedanes

Cinderella, IRL. Going to a rave:

daneslightupnickjonas

Looking dapper as always. WONDER IF HIM AND KHUD SMOOCHED.

gigizayn

This is some robot fairytale shit. GiGi looks like a smoke and Zayn is her literal knight in shining armor.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Alessandra’s dress is just the right amount of weird and also it looks comfy AF.

ansel-elgort

That smolder though. Panty flooder.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Didn’t even need to include the pic with Jeets because Hannah knocks my socks off all on her own.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Sometimes Chloe has a tendency to dress like she’s straight out of a Delia’s catalogue but I like this look on her.

MET Gala 2016

Scary goth face, pretty dress.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

I wish I could wear this dress. Like, anywhere. What a beautiful fairy.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Demi has looked fierce as hell in every appearance ever this year.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Mindy’s lookin fresh and possibly has a keyboard clutch?

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

This dress is from H&M, so that us commoners can also dress for a ball.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

I’m torn on this. On the one hand, she looks like a sassy sailor, on the other hand she’s wearing white clam diggers at a ball. You decide.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

This kind of looks like trash gathered from a beach but I like it and I bet it’s comfy to lay in.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Kendall maintains as best dressed Jenner/Kardash

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Never did I think the day would come when I’d toss a compliment Kylie’s way but she really cleaned her shit up. She looks classy and essentially is wearing the same dress as Kim and looks a bajillion times better. Take notes, Kimmy.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Let your hurrr downnn!!!

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Kate couldn’t even sit in this dress so that blows but she looks like a dime.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Adorbs

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

From the neck down, I’m all over this shit. From the neck up, I’d like to gauge my eyes out. Tay is edgy now and we need to accept it I guess, but the bleach bob NEEDS TO GO. Those shoes slay though.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

What bump? Olivia looks skinny as possible in this dress.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

TBH, I don’t really know what’s going on here but I know that her head/bustier looks fab so I just glossed over the maybe cape, maybe pants sitch down below.

blake

I mean, end with a bang of course. She doesn’t look preggers,

she just looks F-L-A-W-L-E-S-S

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