Music, Red Carpet, Television

CMA Awards Red Carpet 2019

Honestly forgot the CMA Awards were last night because I’m poor as dirt and had to cancel my cable subscription, but happy to report I stole someone else’s so that I could still tune in to get in touch with my country roots and hear Reba perform Fancy for the 6 millionth time because that song came out BEFORE I WAS EVEN BORN. Way to stay current, CMA’s. FTR, they also trucked Dolly Parton (another host) out to bring Nashville to the house of the Lord and sing a bunch of songs about good ole G-O-D. I get that both Rebz and Dolly are basically country royalty but like…why.  And since I came hot at Reba & Dolly (sorry, not sorry) I will also make up for it by saying that the performance of Girl Crush by up-and-coming female country stars was great. AND my favorite performance of the night was Lady Antebellum and Halsey doing a medley of What If I Never Get Over You and Graveyard. It was something I never would have expected and they crushed it. All of the claps in the world for when Halsey just busts out that kickass angel voice with no theatrics or weird dominatrix dance routines. ANYWHO. Y’all know country red carpets are the BEST to judge because some people go glam, some people go white trash and black country singers find a way to mix both and I’m really hoping they stop that soon. It’s not racist if I’m just making an observation. BLACK COUNTRY SINGERS DO NOT NEED AN ADDITIONAL REASON TO STAND OUT.  LOOK TO DARIUS RUCKER AS YOUR GUIDING LIGHT. Ok. Here we go.

WORST

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Oh, Trish. Gurlfran. Leopard print–Great. Zebra print–horribly unflattering. An important lesson in animal print for us all.

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Remembs 15 years ago when Gretchen Wilson came out with Redneck Woman? Guess she’s still stickin to that mantra real hard with this outfit that I can only assume a middle-aged mom from the midwest would wear to a club in NYC thinking she’s a real housewife. One swift move and we all see Gretchen’s redneck hooha.

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No clue who this is, I just needed to bring this horrendous monstrosity of an outfit into the light. That’s one way to embrace the jumpsuit trend. Certainly can’t miss it!

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I honestly don’t even know what garbage is sprinkled all over Nicole’s dress but it looks like a kid’s arts and crafts project. Also lolerskates to Keith’s platforms, always.

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Hate to see it, but I feel like Reese just popped out of the movie poster for Sweet Home Alabama and I also feel like the trends of the early 2000’s should never be revisited.

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I recently dipped my toe in the trendy hat game, and I am very sensitive and would hate it if anyone laughed out loud at my hat. That being said, I laughed out loud at Colton’s hat. And really his whole outfit in general. I feel like he googled “NBA stars trendy” and came up with this outfit. Cassie looks fine but unfortunately when you hitch your cart to a fashion overachiever for a boyfriend, you might just end up on a worst dressed list. Dem’s da breaks.

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No one should ever wear head to toe white. Not even on your wedding day.

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UGHHHHHHHHHH I’m so over Kacey trying to be campy western forever.

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Ok, then.

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I’m a Decker fan through and through but I’ve seen both of them knock it out of the park on a red carpet and this is not it. Just trying to keep it real & challenge my crushes to constantly impress me with their fashion choices. Don’t mail it in next time, GUYS.

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You work out or something? BOOoOOOOOooOOOO.

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I feel like Kristin is constantly dressing for Broadway and maybe sometimes she could just roll up in a simple party dress and take it doooown a notch.

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I MEAN COME ON.

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I get the feeling RaeLynn thinks she’s actually Marilyn Monroe. Someone keep an eye on her wellbeing.

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I didn’t do my research (shocking to no one) and probably will sound ignorant but like, haven’t females in country music been busting through those glass ceilings left and right in the past few years? I feel like it’s the era of female country and thus this statement cape is ill-timed. Also Jennifer Nettles rubs me the wrong way and always has. Double also, if you’re going to go for a bold statement, actually spell out the F word and show you’re a real one.

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BLECH. What is happening here. Also now that she’s preggers, what will happen to her constantly having her entire body on display at every awards show? STAY TUNED.

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I lost it when I saw this poop suit and the straight SASS in which she’s posing it up. Confidence through the roof for a suede browtfit.

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Had to toss in your typical country boy who shows a little glamour for shits and giggles.

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How are we not seeing nipple here?

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Sometimes the double leg slit just weirds me out and looks like a panel that covers your bits. I’m probably being picky as hell but the more I looked at this, the less I liked it. And that’s why I have a blog that no one reads.

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This does not strike me as an awards dress and also I’m just still mad at Miranda for constantly stealing everyone’s husbands.

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I guess we’re really hitting the females in country theme home this year by bringing two of them back from beyond the grave to host with Carrie. Pains me to say it but none of these looks are blowing me away. Obviously the show contains several outfit changes, most of them during Reba’s performance of Fancy, but we’re just judging red carpet here and EHHHHH.

BEST

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I can totes get down with the constellation sprinkle on Jake’s jacket and his lady love looks like a real babe too.

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I’m loving the color coordination here and apparently I have a thing for stars this week because I’m all in on Mrs. Dierks whole dark magic vibez.

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Another couple that I hold to high standards because they always bring it for awards shows and I’ve definitely seen Lauren in better dresses but I’m not completely coldhearted and I’m not about to toss an entire family on the worst dressed. So basically their cute ass kids saved them here. I DO love Thomas’s polka dot look and really wish he performed Up instead of his song about how everyone gets old and dies. But whatevs.

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HEART EYES EMOJI. Mah gurl is 2 for 2 in recent red carpets lookin like the dime piece I know she is. I love classy Halsey and I need more of her in my life. Fingers crossed she keeps it up for the AMA’s.

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What a classic look for a real country hottie who does the opposite of Thomas Rhett and sings that grandpas never die. Real hot take. Also this is the part where I shamelessly bring it back to myself because I met him and I got to watch someone sneak into his meet & greet and give him a hat with Albany, NY on it that she specifically bought for him and it was v. cringeworthy. Plus I belong on a red carpet for my sassy pony (may it rest in peace ever since my tragic visit to Supercuts 2 weeks ago.)

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Bros lookin sharp.

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Sheryl Crow can be tossed into the pool of never-aging Hollywood greats.

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Again, I feel real uncomfy with shitting on kids fashion so shoutout to Pink & Carey and their minis really embracing the country theme. If we’re being real honest, I think I like both kids attires more than Pink’s burnt orange look.

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Daaaayummmmmn.

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This outfit & pose slayed me. From top to bottom: the protective goggle sunglasses, the HARD finger gunz, a Burberry-esque trench, the leather messenger bag like he’s going to class in 1998 and the “hiking” boots that American Eagle for SURE sold when I was in high school. SO MANY THINGS HAPPENING AT ONCE. And props to Blanco for committing to the bit and pulling the winner’s name out of his messenger bag later in the night.

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YAAASSS LEOPARD KWEENS!!!! Cough cough, this is how you safari, Trisha, COUGH.

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It appears as though Hil is wearing a waist trainer and probably ceased to breathe all evening, but she looks GR8.

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Sara Evans is approaching 50 and LOOK AT THOSE DAMN LEGS.

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I ain’t even mad that she mixed all of the animal prints because it nicely breaks up the zoot suit riot that is the rest of her group.

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I was actually so ready to shit all over this wet blanket (for those of you who didn’t see her run on the Bachelor, the nickname fits) but we all know I have a real weak spot for yellow.

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I love that this is not revealing at all and yet the rainbow makes it fun and fresh.

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Walker’s loafers look a little geeky but I’m diggin’ wifey’s dress.

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I’m pretty sure this is the only red of the evening and gurl is werking it.

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I know it’s not fair to give my favorite look of the night honor to someone who doesn’t even belong at an awards show but holy shit this is my favorite look of the night. Own those fifteen minutes and appear wherever they ask you to if they keep dressing you up like this, honey.

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What a cutie this fella is! Looking dapper with a dash of mountainman beard.

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Honestly I’ve seen like 4 people in Hollywood rock this silk PJ’s look now and I really just want a pair of these pants REAL bad. They look comfy AF.

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Ending on another high note of me shoving a picture of myself with someone famous enough to walk a red carpet right in your grillpiece. Tenille is adorable, makes polka dots look good and is also super nice and complimented my leopard pants. Because as you know, complimenting me will get you everywhere. Those are the rules. I didn’t write them. (JK, I totes did.)

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Red Carpet, Television

Emmys 2019 Red Carpet

Since I cut cable out of my life in the middle of summer when none of my shows were on and it wasn’t awards season yet, obviously last night was a real wake up call. I had to work the hardest to steal cable from my wealthier family members and then the app closed out during every commercial break so basically what I’m trying to say is appreciate this awards season content extra from my poor ass cause the struggle is R E A L.

WORST

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I mean, without fail, every time, we get a salsa dancer emoji on the red carpet. Props to this gal for being it.

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This is a glittery garbage bag.

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I’m so perplexed by this. Was the top an accident? Did they take the hem off of the bottom and then just bunch it up and toss it over her head like a bib?

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I wanted to be on board with this but it’s just too many things at once. Erect Ciny Lou-Who hair, ruffled top, wide belt/tuxedo jacket waist, cape, hard flares….WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN. Pick one of these things. ONE.

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Ugh this is SUCH a Dawson Leery tryhard outfit. Barf all over me.

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The Emmys isn’t really the time to try punk rocker chic, plz see yourself to an Avril Lavigne concert, Jenny.

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I’m sorry. I can’t get on board with brown anything. This is a poop suit.

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This chick came about 2 years late to the Met Gala “Catholicism” theme.

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Holy boobs.

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Ah, a classic outfit for when the seasons are changing. Cold shoulder for a little sun on the left, long sleeve on the right because it’s chilly in the mornings. Oh and why not just slap a pair of pants on underneath? Convenient.

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80’s prom dress, clap, clap, clapclapclap.

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I don’t need to see clear from your chin to your panty line or lack thereof.

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I can get down with a good jumpsuit but I’ve already expressed my disdain with the gaucho style pant leg coming back and if I CAN’T FIND YOUR FEET, YOUR PANTS ARE DOING TOO MUCH.

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The good news is we’re not staring directly at Alex’s erect nipples in a silk dress this year. The bad news is she still doesn’t look great.

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Meh. After making Four Weddings and a Funeral appointment TV every Wednesday night, I wanted more from our gurl Maya. This also feels like a prom look.

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Fine dress to wear to a backyard wedding, not an awards show.

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Also feel let down by the new J.Law cool girl, Sophie. This dress is essentially the same color as her skin and it’s really not doing anything for me.

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Wooooooof this bright purple does not go well with her transparent skin color.

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Only these two a-holes would OVERDRESS for an awards show that they have no business being at. Also quick shout out to them presenting the best reality TV Emmy and having the crowd BURST out laughing at “our family knows how to make good TV just by being ourselves.” And these sweet, sweet idiots were confused when everyone started laughing. CUT TO THE NOMINEES, QUICK.

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Again with the odd shapes just tossed on top. Is that a cape as a top? How does it stay up?!

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I love this color and her hair and pink lip but does the top piece not look like a saggy bikini top? It’s like Christina Long Boobs Applegate up in HERE.

BEST

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I was all set to make a Free Willy joke at first glance on this outfit but honestly she’s pulling killer whale chic OFF. And Eugene looks sharp as well.

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WHAT A PASTEL DREAM. I die for this color.

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I like both of these colors together. God, I sound like Taylor Swift now with Synesthesia but for realz I dig. Plus a jazzy plaid done right.

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B2B Pretty Princess ‘fits

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Oh Shit, Ray-J.

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Classic

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Don’t really understand how she manages to appear at every red carpet ever but we all know how I feel about yellow this year as evident by my Gold Old Navy heels that I bought on clearance in July and have worn literally every single day since. Fun fact: yellow goes with everything. Says me.

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Sterling perpetually looks fresh to death.

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Everyone’s slobbering all over this actress because everyone’s slobbering over Fleabag. I haven’t seen it but she’s crushing in this woodland fairy angel dress.

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Token blue suit that I drool over.

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Normally I would dump all over this outfit because I don’t support ladies who attend a classy event with their areolas one deep breath away from busting free, but this is Mandy Moore we’re talking about here and she’s basically an American treasure. She’s got some sassy curls and she’s giving us good leg and for that I’m willing to overlook the near nip slip.

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Suspenders thing is kinda wierd but this cooooooolooooooorrrr

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I would give my left tit for perfect ombre’d mermaid waves like these.

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Can’t go wrong with a basic black gown.

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JLD is such a babe soda.

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Great color and style for Sandra.

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One of many pink/red combo deals and I liked them all. Yes they’re all essentially the same exact dress accentuating different body parts but I’m here for it.

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I WANT THESE SPARKLE PANTS.

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There was obviously a two-for-one special on this fabric. I wonder if stylists get fired when they pull this move and put several A-listers in essentially the same dress. Someone let me know. I live for the drama.

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YaAaAaaAsssSssss Kweeeeeen. (it’s past my bedtime so now I’m just reverting to basic bitch cliche phrases but honestly this really sums up how I feel about this outfit anyway.)

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He’s still a creepster but at least he dresses ON POINT.

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Another nod to the fashionable gents representin’

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YELLOW. And this style is supes flattering on Busy & helps to distract from her cotton candy hurrr.

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This is kind of a risky look for Michelle Williams who usually wears solid color classic cut gowns. She looks beautiful as always.

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HOT PINK GET IT GURL.

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My sister texted me yesterday and said she made about 12 leopard print purchases in TJ Maxx and wore one of them around the store while she was shopping. And I replied that if my entire wardrobe could consist of leopard and camo print, I could die happy. Something tells me Bonnie gets us.

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Zendaya gets the two syllable dAYYY-UmmNNN of the evening. I mean how could she not?

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What a disco ball!

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YES YES YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES!!!!! THE ONLY REASON HALSEY ISN’T MY FAVORITE LOOK OF THE NIGHT IS BECAUSE I FELT LIKE I SHOULD GIVE IT TO SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY IS A TV STAR, BUUUUUT, CAN I JUST SAY SHE MUST BE READING MY BLOG? I HAVE HARPED ON HALSEY FOOOOORRRREEEVVERRRR ABOUT HOW PRETTY SHE IS AND SHE DRESSES LIKE A HOEBOT AND SHE DELIIIIIIIIVERED FOR THE EMMYS. (ALSO SANG A PHENOM COVER OF TIME AFTER TIME) ANYWAY BACK TO THIS CLASSY AND BEAUTIFUL DRESS AND IT’S MY FAVORITE COLOR AND HER HAIR IS NATURAL AND PRETTY AND HER MAKEUP IS MINIMAL BECAUSE SHE DON’T NEED NO MAKEUP AND OK I’LL STOP SHOUTING. IT’S LIKE I JUST WANT TO SCREAM IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS THAT HALSEY IS A BEAUT AND I LOVE HER. THE END.

FAVE LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

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At first I just thought this was unique and cool, a shiny striped dress. Then I saw her take the stage and it’s all intricate beading. Making it 100x cooler. A lot of great looks tonight but this was by far my favorite.

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Pop Culture, Television

Best of the Worst Hallmark Holiday Movies, 2018 Edition

Listen, Hallmark really doubled down this year and it was actually difficult for me to keep up. Starting BEFORE Thanksgiving, they were on a roll debuting 2-3 per week, getting an AGGRESSIVE jump on the holiday movie watching szn. Obviously that was far too overwhelming for me. So with the help of my equally as TV holiday movie obsessed sister, we printed out each channels schedules and highlighted our favorites based on plot and if the guy was hot. We created quite a robust list and got to watching. So here we are, your annual installment of the best of the worst in holiday trash movies. PS Due to the large number of movies to view between the two Hallmarks and Lifetime (and I guess Netflix), Ion and ABC Family had to be cut from the list. You understand why. Please respect our decision at this very difficult time.

SKIP

graceland

Christmas at Graceland, Hallmark (Kellie Pickler, Wes Brown)

Right off the bat you would think this is going to be a golden Hally because of ya boy Wes. He’s higher up on the list of Hallmark hotties and I thought that would be enough to pull us through this flick. Sadly, I am here to report that it was not. Centered around a music theme ala Graceland, this movie was nearly unwatchable. Laurel goes back home to buy a bank or something corporate and Clay is like remember when we used to sing together and god I wish she hadn’t remembered. Could have saved us all from a whole lot of Silent Night. No seriously, this one song was performed no less than 6 million times throughout the course of this 2 hour movie. I feel it is also important to point out that although Kellie Pickler is actually a singer, she chose to lip sync in this movie and I’ve never seen a more horrible hack job. Even pop stars still sing during their music videos so it looks real. COME ON, KELLIE! Also, there is a child in this movie and she sings as well.

Bonus Points: Kellie not even attempting to hide her southern twang and everyone else in the movie having no trace of an accent. At the end (spoiler alert) when Laurel gets everything she ever could’ve wanted, she could not look less enthused. What an actress.

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Christmas in Evergreen:Letters to Santa, Hallmark

It took me the entirety of this movie to figure out that this was a sequel to an already present story line on Hallmark. I would’ve really hated to have to sit through more than one of these. Lisa doesn’t want to put down roots but she really wants to go back to her hometown for Christmas. YA, Ok. On her way home she has side of the road flirtations with the guy that she’ll most obviously end up with when she seems like the ultimate cool girl who fixes his truck. There’s a whole slew of characters all coinciding at once in this Evergreen place and naturally that means Hallmark needed to toss in a dubbs coups because they can’t just focus on one cookie cutter romance at once–it’s their new favorite thing to do and I for one, hate it. This particular version had a white couple and a black couple because black people fall in love at Christmas too. #Diversity on Hallmark. There’s a little wrench in the mix when Lisa’s PLATONIC BFF comes into town and Kevin thinks she’s taken but have no fear because they kiss when the bells ring and the little kid with the lisp FINALLY finds a lock that his key works in. THANK GAWD.

Bonus Points: When these two discover that they REMEMBER EACH OTHER FROM CHILDHOOD and there’s a flashback to them literally just being in the same general store writing letters to Santa like every kid in that town did.

tennessee

A Christmas in Tennessee, Lifetime (Rachel Boston, Andrew Walker, Patricia Richardson)

Andrew Walker, once of Hallmark royalty, now switching over to the Lifetime side, is typically a must-see for holiday staples. He’s cute and charming and usually has a little bad boy edge to him. Unfortunately, I’m gonna need him to take a beat after this one and reassess. The story revolves around Allison, whose a baker and single mom to Olivia. Patricia Richardson makes a star-studded appearance as her mom and naturally Matthew (Andrew Walker) is the corporate big wig trying to buy out the family business and take over the town UNTIL he spends time there and realized the importance of Christmas and family and that is obvious. To be completely honest this movie is all over the place and there’s so many stories happening at once that it’s exhausting. Santa and Mrs. Clause like Allison’s cookies so it becomes a marketing ploy/reason for Allison’s daughter Olivia to get bullied for still believing in Santa. There’s a conniving assistant to Matthew who forges a signature to sell the property. Allison’s dad died recently, Matthew lost a fiance 4 years ago, the mom is still sad about the dad dying and an old guy is pursuing her HARD. As my notes read, “Pull the story together homies or we take Andrew Walker back.” You’re on notice, Lifetime.

Bonus Points: At the children’s play when little Olivia (a partridge in a pear tree) gets bullied about being poor, dad-less, and believing in Santa by a kid with a drawn on Hitler ‘stache. REALLY?! This mf’er is bullying someone while he looks like that?! I would’ve knocked his stupid nutcracker hat clean off his head if I were Olivia. Kids are the worst. Also, the mom from Home Improvement sings at the end to close up the randomness that was this movie.

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The Princess Switch, Netflix (Vanessa Hudgens)

This now marks the second Netflix Christmas movie that has been so awful that I’ve turned it off before finishing it. That alone should be evidence enough that Netflix needs to read the room and slowly moonwalk out of the holiday movie game. You came late to the party and nobody likes you, cut your losses and leave before Hallmark and Lifetime have to physically boo you out of here. Anyway, from what I did watch here’s what I can tell you…Stacy is a baker who got dumped and her ex already moved on with what seems to be a real biddy. So she goes to a baking competition in a country probably located next to Genovia in made-up fairytale land. A weird magical guy who pops up all over the joint is VERY fixated on fulfilling a Christmas wish for Stacy. There’s an annoying over-acting child and a straight rip from The Parent Trap handshake. And true to the switching places classic trope, Stacy finds that the Duchess of Belgravia(?), Margaret, looks identical to her and is yearning for a normal bakers’ life of chaos. Of course since we’re dealing with a fictional country, an accent that sounds somewhat British and somewhat bullshit is tossed into the mix so watching Vanessa Hudgens navigate that is lolworthy.

Bonus Points: A VERY predictable love interest switcharoo and a Chicago baseball cap that never goes away in case you’re ever wondering where Stacy hails from. Also the two “twins”/ “distant relatives” physically running into each other the first time they meet.

 

christmasatthepalace

Christmas at the Palace, Hallmark

It pains me to do this because we all know I have a raging girl crush on Merritt Patterson, but this movie blows big time. It’s no coincidence that the two royal movies were B2B on my skip list. Katie and her bud Jessica, are just two average girls from Trenton, NJ who have an ice skating show in made up San Senova. Katie PHYSICALLY runs into King Alex in the plaza even though neither of them are blind. It’s alarming how often they have people bulldozing each other over as meet-cutes in these garbage royal movies. They’re hired at the palace to throw an ice dancer Christmas pageant because the King’s daughter Christina, is a real fan girl. She takes up FAR too much of the storyline and obviously drama ensues leaving them both to bail on the pageant. Well, one of them bails and then comes back and skates right onto the ice as if she never left. Nice try, girl.

Bonus Points: When Katie breaks the news to Christina that she’s ditching her lame ass pageant, even though the whole thing started because her and Jessica–professional skaters–were hired to put it on, she gives her a cheap ice skating figurine at the same time AS IF THAT WILL MAKE HER ANNOUNCEMENT LESS DOUCHEY.

HometownXmas

Hometown Christmas, Lifetime (Beverley Mitchell, Stephen Colletti)

Noelle’s dead mom used to run the live nativity in her southern hometown every year, so Noelle (who is supposedly a doctor in Chicago, though it’s mysteriously never brought up again after the first ten minutes) comes back to revive it. Her high school sweetheart who broke up with her to go pro in baseball lives back at home now because he blew out his arm or something equally as cliche. The whole movie throws a lot of incesty vibes with Noelle’s family, especially her relationship with her brother, which is far too flirty for comfort. In fact, when the whole fam troops on over to the county fair, they go to do a “southern snowman” contest and Noelle is like obviously we’re partners to her brother and he has to be like um, maybe this year my partner should be my fiance. YIKES NOELLE, READ THE ROOM. In another completely unbelievable storyline, their dad announces he’s dating someone new, then invites Noelle’s ex boyfriend Nick and his mother over to go to the county fair where they immediately eye bang each other. It is VERY apparent that he’s dating Nick’s mom, and yet when the two are found playing tonsil hockey underneath the mistletoe 20 mins later, Noelle is like DAD WTF YOU’RE DATING HER?! How was that not obvious? No seriously, what idiot didn’t pick up on those clues. The two of them were basically drooling when they greeted each other and both kids were like oh this is normal, they’re just friends?! ANYWAY, after 100 million things go wrong (and Noelle and Nick make amends even though their parents are dating as well), the nativity DOES happen and of course, per 2018 holiday movie tradition, ends in TERRIBLE song.

Bonus Points: When the church floods and they have to find a new venue for their live nativity, they go to the local theater and the owner is like oh damn, we’re all set up for this week’s production of a barnyard play. And Noelle and Nick are like the world is ending. Then Noelle has a light bulb and goes to an abandoned barn, where they decide to hold the nativity. IF THE THEATER WAS USING A BARN SET, HOW IS GOING TO AN ACTUAL BARN ANY F*CKING DIFFERENT?! Ok. I’m done. If you’d like to be entertained by this movie instead of triggered by their stupid script writing, check out Bev’s very apparent lazy eye and drink every time it’s looking in a very different direction from the other.

WATCH

THE-CHRISTMAS-CONTRACT

The Christmas Contract, Lifetime (OTH Reunion)

You knew that no matter what, I was gonna love this movie as a diehard One Tree Hill fan. Was it confusing that they cast this movie then did a reunion immediately following it without Chad Michael Murray and Bethany Joy Lenz who were also in tv holiday movies this year? Sure was. But either way, I’m gonna ship any sort of cast hang for a show that was basically my obsession from ages 13-22. The movie itself has Jolie (what a southern name) bringing her bestie’s brother Jack  home for Christmas as a fake boyfriend  because her ex has already moved on. Other than the fact that Skillz and Rachel Gattina are married in this movie, we get a song and performance from Tyler Hilton (with gratuitous slow dancing in jean shirts) as well as a little Clean Teen drop in from the leather pants wearin hussy who stole Mouth’s virginity. They really pulled out all of the stops for this one. Something that is extremely important to note, Jolie’s ex boyfriend is hideous. He has FOREVER greasy hair with quite the five head. In fact, my sister pointed out he’s basically a younger version of Marv. So he’s got that going for him.

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Obviously the two fall in love while fake dating and learning about each other and the fam loves Jack. There’s even a campfire singalong to Deck the Halls that makes me want to rip my ears off. Good, clean, holiday fun for all.

Bonus Points: For all of you 7th Heaven stans, Jeremy London is a supporting role and wears a variety of fedoras. One is corduoroy. There’s also a fun scene where Jolie has to teach her greaser of an ex boyfriend that breaking up means not talking anymore. Also, Robert Buckley in dark framed glasses…sup?

Full Disclozsh: If you’re watching and feel so inclined to watch the HOUR OTH reunion they tacked on afterward to grab more viewers, SKIP IT and thank me later. It’s a bunch of not at all related to OTH Christmas games and it’s embarrassing for everyone involved.

 

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Poinsettias for Christmas, Lifetime (Bethany Joy Lenz)

It seems as though it would be approps to get all my fellow OTH’ers out of the way at once. Bethany has been lookin like a dime lately and really killin it in the holiday movie game. Last year she had a winner with Andrew Walker and this year she got me to care about Poinsettias. Control freak Ellie comes home to her family’s farm to help save it and there’s a babe soda working there, encroaching on her fam’s territory so obviously they are going to butt heads and fall in love. There’s the classic ole spray each other with a hose and have a snowball fight with virtually no snow as flirting. There’s a chance the Poinsettias won’t be ready for delivery by Christmas and it’s a real nail biter until obviously Ellie pulls some bullshit theory out of her ass and saves them. There’s some random side story about Sean possibly dating this TV personality who was trying to buy the family farm? but in the end they “break up” and at the Christmas parade, Sean tosses aside a hot dog before smooching Ellie, which almost makes me put this movie on the shit list. DO NOT WASTE A PERFECTLY GOOD WIENER FOR ANYTHING, let alone a mediocre closed mouth kiss.

Bonus Points: Boo thang Sean built his own log house. What a Noah Calhoun swoon.

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Pride, Prejudice & Mistletoe, Hallmark (Lacey Chabert, Brendan Penny)

Darcy (Lacey) comes home to take time away from her job. She immediately dumps her boring finance boyfriend who also happens to work for her dad and reconnects with her high school debate teammate Luke while they plan her mom’s Christmas event. My first thought is could her family BE more involved in her love life? My boyfriend’s first thought is all of the men in this movie are clearly gay. He’s just bitter I’ve already forced him to watch double the amount of holiday movies as last year and we weren’t even into December yet. Although in relation to the men in this movie, the only requirement I saw for a male role was having a ridiculously deep side part. There’s a song and dance (not literally, this can be confusing as many Hally’s this year have leaned heavy on the musical numbers…rest assured this is a welcome non-singing installment) about kissing under the mistletoe where Darcy continuously hard passes Sean every time he tries to sneak a smooch “per Christmas tradition”. Obviously she finally gives in at the end.

Bonus Points: When Darcy’s bro and sis in law announce their pregnancy on top of her breakup announcement. They’re like can’t wait to celebrate Christmas the four of us and Darcy’s like uh no we broke up and those assholes are like NO THERE’S FOUR OF US, pointing to her belly. Way to breeze right over her heartbreak and still manage to make it about your not even showing baby bump. Thank u, next.

mingle

Mingle All the Way, Hallmark

In the spirit of full disclosure, I saw like the last 40 mins of this movie but it was enough to tell me that it was much better than some of the trash they were tossing out this year. A lot of this review has to do with the fact that the guy is cute and there was NO singing. Molly creates an app that pairs people up (much like a dating app) so that you can have a companion for all of your holiday biz parties/events. Her and Jeff get matched up and since she wants to prove to her judgmental AF parents that her app is a success, they stick it out for all of the holiday season, natch falling in love in the process. I don’t know who the hell has this many events around the holidays but I’d like your job, plz. I haven’t been able to score one open bar holiday party since about 3 years ago and these people are like we have multiple engagements. MUST BE NICE. Although not to brag, but totes to brag, I won a $50 gift card to Target at my holiday party for my part time job this year so I’M BASICALLY RICH. I’m still excited off of the high of that. Didn’t need a date from an app to WIN BIG AT THE RAFFLE. Anyway, there’s a little ex reappearance at the end to confuse this maybe professional maybe romantic relationship (go away, ASHLEY) but in the end, dating apps take the W in this very 2018 Hally.

Bonus Points: Molly somehow manages to fall OVER the Christmas tree and right into Jeff’s arms for a catch FULL of panting, staring and sexual tension. Spoiler alert: this doesn’t result in a kiss because it’s not the last scene of the movie and any kiss before the final 5 minutes is ALWAYS interrupted. Also at one point Molly says “My compliments to the Jeff” while eating Jeff’s cooking and my eyeballs roll at rapid speed out of my skull.

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Time For Me To Come Home For Christmas, Hallmark Movies and Mysteries (Megan Park, Josh Henderson)

Famous country singer Heath (we quickly learn he only sings country Christmas songs), who also confusingly sometimes goes by Lee meets Kara at the airport in one of those classic we’re both going home for Christmas but our travel plans keep getting f’ed so we’re just going to end up making our own way together, road trip with an attractive stranger style. It takes Kara an unnatural amount of time to figure out that Heath is a Grammy-winning singer, which she irrationally gets pissed about. Sorry he’s not a douche who announces that he’s famous when someone doesn’t recognize him, Kara, THAT’S ACTUALLY AN ADMIRABLE QUALITY. True to this year’s traditions with Hallmark, there’s a LOT of singing (specifically terrible lip syncing, which I guess is just their MO) as well as annoying children trying to steal the spotlight. I’m willing to ignore all of these things because somehow I still found this movie more tolerable than most. There’s a lot of sob stories as we learn that Heath/Lee lost his dad recently and Kara lost her mom. They also stay with an old friend of Heath’s en route and the wife is sick. At one point in the movie my boyfriend had an outburst where he yelled, “is this guy gonna choose whether or not he wants to have an accent?!” And that was probably the most exciting moment of the movie. Clearly we’re both triggered by actors being terrible at accents. I perfected my British accent just from being obsessed with Harry Potter movies when I was 12, actual actors who get paid for it should probably know how to do a southern drawl or an American accent. In the most cringeworthy of grand finales, Heath/Lee is struck by inspiration and writes/sings a new song on Christmas day around the fire. Kara joins in, making it a duet of a brand new song that she’s never heard. His mom awkwardly stands far too close to him and bops in his face while he plays the guitar, then she too takes a solo verse right there on the spot and then Kara jumps in for one as well because why not? Suddenly out of nowhere there’s a violinist and Heath’s sister is playing guitar. I literally had to ask myself if I was on drugs or if this scene was real life. Everyone breaks into applause when Kara and Heath hug. Goodnight.

Bonus Points: Lee/Heath’s mom gives him a photo album that they’ve been talking up for the entire movie that she spent all year making. He flips through it at rapid speed, looking completely disinterested and then abruptly gets up to leave and find Kara who he just saw five minutes earlier. Instead of his mom being like wtf you ungrateful twat, she’s like follow your heart, son! Also, at the beginning of the movie there’s a flight attendant that is vying for worst movie character of all time. She denies Heath a spot in first class on the plane and tells him there’s no exceptions then asks him for an autograph. The same condescending MF’er then escorts annoying kid #1 off the flight and when Heath gifts the kid wings from his dad who was a pilot, she whine-sings “LOOK WHO GOT HIS WINGSSSSS.” Bye, bish. Get lawst.

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Christmas Wedding Planner, Netflix

I DIRECTLY contradict myself with this one. My artfully worded diss to Netflix on my Princess Switch review will be eaten in full after watching this number. Technically it’s a last year edition that was overlooked, but nevertheless it IS a Netflix original and I DID like it. Turns out it was based on a Harlequin novel and judging by my rabid taste for red hot reads, I’m not surprised I loved this one. I’m giving the novel credit here instead of Netflix because I’m still annoyed at the fact that they’re trying so hard to be a holiday TV movie competitor. Regardless, Kelsey is a disaster, clumsy wannabe wedding planner and her first job is planning her cousin’s wedding. So basically me minus the planning my cousin’s wedding part, which can easily be remedied if my cousin who is getting married in the fall is reading this. But I digress, Kelsey’s cousin Emily and her aunt Olivia are classy AF so the pressure’s on to throw the perfect event. She has a little meet-cute moment with her cousin’s ex boyfriend who also happens to be the PI investigating her cousin’s fiance, Todd. Ya follow? They do everything they can to make Todd look like a supreme slimeball. I literally cringed out of my body the first scene he’s in where he drops off jewelry to the bridesmaids and says “he just wants to keep his ladies happy.” BARF BARF BARF. He also has a very apparent tick where he winks on every other word that escapes his perv-tastic mouth. These are red flags! How did this beautiful girl fall in love with this dirtbag? As you might presume, Kelsey and Connor investigate Todd while she continues to plan the wedding. They naturally fall in love, probably because Connor’s business partner and BFF is Joey Fatone. No seriously, JOEY FATONE. And his acting is NEXT LEVEL bad. We get it Joe, you’re Italian. In the end, there’s a soap opera wedding moment where it turns out *SPOILER ALERT* Todd knocked up the maid and his parents tried to pay her off. GROSS, TODD. Since the wedding is canceled it obviously makes the most sense for Kelsey and Connor to get married because who needs Connor’s family at the wedding and most marriages that’re built to last start from knowing each other a couple weeks before getting engaged and married right on the spot…everybody knows THAT.

Bonus Points: A very rom-com stakeout montage. They laugh, they snack, they sing and dance in goofy sunglasses, they take selfies, they snuggle into a nap. The makings of every great relationship depends on how good they montage. Plus these two are both babes. 5 stars.

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Television

Pilot Szn 2018

I feel like I haven’t done this in a while and I’m trying to jazz up The Salty again, so I’ve taken my precious time and dedicated it to watching all of the new shows (so far) this Fall season. There’s a chill in the air, I’m finally not working on Saturdays and Sundays and I’ve glued my bhole to the couch to watch some new TV all weekend long. It’s all for you. So that you don’t have to be bothered watching a show that is TERRIBLE (all sitcoms) and you can just focus on getting into the good good. Keep reading for my educated takes based on a single thirty or sixty minute episode.

SKIP:

Single Parents, ABC, Wednesdays 9:30p EST

single-parents

I should’ve known this was gonna be a no right from the start because of how many kids are in this cast photo but wishful thinking I was like well it’s the creator of New Girl and maybe they’ll just focus on the adult story lines. NOPE. The premise here is that Will (Taran Killam) is the nerd dad who tries too hard and embarrasses his daughter and pretty much everyone around him. The other parents try to help him get laid and make him cooler but there is a LOT of Moana singing and overacting and because it’s 2018 the black kid is gay and loves dancing and fashion. PROGRESSIVE. In summary, this show sucks and not even Brad Garrett could save it, which I had high hopes for.

I Feel Bad, NBC, Thursdays 9:30p EST

I Feel Bad - Season Pilot

This one’s Amy Poehler produced (there’s always something to draw you in) and it screams FEMINIST TV. Nothing wrong with that. If it was funny I’d be down. The idea is that moms/women in general have guilt and feel bad about every single thing in life and how to ignore that and be a baller, basically. Embrace the chaos. Emet is raising three kids, working in video games as like the only woman and trying not to turn into her mom. Story lines were decent, but the jokes just weren’t all there. A main feature of the pilot was her daughter quitting quiz show to join the dance team and today’s youths being a buncha booty-shakin hoes has never been more prevalent. WHATEVER HAPPENED TO TUTUS?! WHEN I WAS THAT AGE I DANCED TO THE SONG LOLLIPOP STRAIGHT OUTTA 1948 WITH A BONNET PINNED TO MY HEAD.

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And this is the future here, folks:

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Be afraid. Be very afraid. Also, props to the only line in the pilot that made me laugh out loud, “Our daughter’s milkshakes brought all the boys to the yard. Literally.”

The Cool Kids, Fox, Fridays 830p EST

The-Cool-Kids-Fox

Friday show, kiss of death, AMIRITE?! This was supposed to be hyped because it’s got a huge comedian/variety show cast from like 1965 or something. Basically it takes place in an old folks home and the boys don’t want to let a girl into the club after their friend kicks the bucket. Not JUST a girl. A ginger. Just kidding her hair color has nothing to do with it but it might’ve spiced things up a bit. The best character on this show BY FAR was Leslie Jordan because he’s adorable and I want to put him in my pocket. Old people might enjoy this one but I’m out. My boyf found it hysterical, so apparently I’m dating a senior citizen.

The Neighborhood, Fox, Mondays 8p EST

Neighborhood

Everything you need to know about this show, you can summarize from this over the top cast photo. From “HOOD” being a different color and on a separate line to ONLY showing the black family and not the white family it’s ALSO about, this show is racist AF. And not in a “white people can’t say it’s racist way.” The entire 28 minutes spanned a group of horrendous over-actors just calling each other racist every few minutes. QUALITY TV, FOLKS. What you can’t see in this photo is that 2 Broke Girls Beth Behrs and New Girl Max Greenfield are the other leads. They’re a white toast couple who move with their son Grover to the neighborHOOD, where it’s AOK to wear an orange velour jumpsuit, apparently. And this cat is mad at THEM. Essentially it’s a show trying to be funny about the fact that the climate right now is not NOT racist. Keep trying.

WATCH:

Happy Together, Fox, Mondays 830p EST

Happy-Together

According to my actual notes, on paper, because I’m a scholar…this show was the “best of this shit crop of sitcoms.” And you can take that to the bank. A show that was actually likable and I laughed out loud for more than five jokes!!! WE HAVE A WINNER! I mean, can you really go wrong with the Wayans, though? D.Way Jr. killed it in both New Girl and Happy Endings and most importantly, he doesn’t feel the need to shout his lines like 90% of these sitcom stars are doing. If it’s louder, it doesn’t mean it’s funnier. Just A TIP. Also fun fact about me, because why not, every time the Wayans are brought up in any capacity, I feel compelled to google their family tree because there’s roughly 600 of them and it’s very fascinating to me. Like HOW is Damon a JUNIOR to the guy from My Wife and Kids? It’s incredible. Anyway, you’re welcome for sending you down that rabbit hole. The boyf and I wondered aloud why they haven’t just created a show based on their family yet. Don’t steal that idea. It’s ours. Anyway, Jake and Claire are a boring ass married couple who spend Saturday nights recording song voicemails until a celebrity Jake reps decides to come live with them to get out of the spotlight. Trying to make this guy like Harry Styles was borderline offensive. Like honestly, not even close. Either way, it’s funny and cute and I’d watch again.

A Million Little Things, ABC, Wednesdays 9p EST

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Lotta hype with this one about being as twisty as This is Us and also just as emosh. What I didn’t prepare for is the fact that I cannot for the life of me remember the correct name of this. First I was calling it A Million Little Pieces because that’s a book. Then I moved onto A Million Little Reasons because they said that at one point in the pilot. Gawd, I can’t keep it straight. I’ll keep working on it though because I thought it was good and I’m sucked in. I was so absorbed that the only note I wrote was, “Sick opening sequence with a baller cover of All These Things That I’ve Done by the Killers.” So there ya go.

RON LIVINGSTON, DAVID GIUNTOLI, JAMES RODAY, ROMANY MALCO JR

The show is about a gang of bros who met in an elevator, bonded real hard and then became besties/Bruins season ticket holders. Spoiler alert: one of them commits suicide and the first epi was borderline depressing but I have hope for this show to follow the friends in the aftermath as they value life a little more and also of COURSE there’s juicy secrets, which I’m all IN ON.

Manifest, NBC, Mondays 10p EST

Manifest-NBC-TV-Series-2018

Didn’t really expect to like this show once I heard the premise but it was RIVETING, tbh. A family coming back from vacation in 2013 split between two flights and that second flight had turbulence through the MF’ing roof (like honestly how was everyone so calm afterward) and then when it landed everyone was like your flight disappeared 5 years ago how ya’ll still alive? The crew on the flight was like uhhh we had turbulence and dass itt. They haven’t aged a day and everyone else on land is 5 years older. FREAKY. Then the people from the flight start hearing shit and now it’s ON. There’s so many mysteries and so little time. I’m going to be real with you and tell you that I’ve always been creeped out by whispering voices in TV or Movies, like even “if you build it, he will come” creeped me out and that was supposed to be a feel good family flick, but I’m going to stick with this one for a little longer because I think there’s more to the story than mind whispers that one hundo percent will give me night terrors. Plus, I don’t know who this actress is but she’s a babe soda and I’m on her team.

Manifest - Season 1

Dirty John, Bravo, TBD Date & Time

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Since this hasn’t premiered yet, technically I can’t recommend it. But let’s be real here, it’s Connie Britton. Also, I did listen to the podcast it’s based on and I CAN recommend that. It’s basically a crime series about a creepy ass sociopath guy who dates a bunch of women and turns out to be a real psycho. Can’t wait for this to premiere so I can be equal parts drooling over Connie and her hair coming back to my TV screen and terrified to shower alone. Don’t @ me if this sucks and I said you should watch it.

 

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Red Carpet, Television

Emmys Red Carpet 2018

I’d like to say that I watched the 70th Emmy’s last night but mostly I just talked over it and shoved cheeses, meats & olives into my mouth. Certainly didn’t stop me from sounding off about everyone’s outfits, tweeting about nipples and laughing at the cringeworthy proposal that occurred onstage for all to see. Feels good to be back.

WORST

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Oh, ok. So I guess the rule is if you won an Emmy last year that gives you the right to show up in a silk button down with a corset layered over it and adorned with costume pearls. I just re read this and HOW COULD I FORGET THE G-D BRIEFCASE SHE’S CARRYING TO TOP IT ALL OFF. UGH. Get out of my face with this, Laura.

70th Emmy Awards - Arrivals

This was not her only trash outfit of the night and very much subscribes to the theme of women dressing like they live in the Great Depression, which thanks to a knowledgeable customer the other day, I learned was in 1935.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

Well why don’t we just start adorning ourselves in neon parachutes? WHY NOT.

70th Emmy Awards - Arrivals

I almost ralphed upon laying eyes on this busy as a bee ladysuit.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

Hey Mario, injuring your foot is not a good enough reason to wear suit shorts.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

Ma’am, I’m gonna need you to address the creature growing out of your shoulder. Sterling, you good, boo.

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

Pretty surprising turn of events for Kristen Bell to end up on my shit list but this dress sucks.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

There’s gotta be a Beetlejuice on every red carpet. But like, why.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

This would’ve been my dream outfit for a special event if you had asked me when I was 7 in 1998.

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

This was Darren’s night to shine because his portrayal as a serial killer in the Versace show was nightmares and yet he chose to wear what looks like a jizz stained suit for it.

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I honestly can’t tell if her and Maya Rudolph were trying to be ironic with their outfits straight out of a different time period. The last time I wore a statement belt was freshman year of college. And on top of that she’s rocking a rat tail sticking out of her head and this pattern is ROUGH.

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

Does this sequin nightmare have actual horns?

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

The pompadour and possible shorts really throws this whole look off course.

70th Emmy Awards - Arrivals

What’s happening here other than Toby and his date sharing eyeliner?

70th Primetime Emmy Awards - Limo Drop Off, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

THERE IS A WAY TO DRESS FOR YOUR SIZE WITHOUT LOOKING 6 TRILLION TIMES BIGGER. THIS IS NOT IT. INSERT CLAPPING EMOJIS AS NEEDED.

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

I think Allison ripped this off of a horny 17 year old at prom.

70th Emmy Awards - Arrivals

I read a headline that this dress has a special meaning…I’m guessing it has to do with pride but like it’s not necessary to dress like a clown for an elegant event.

70th Emmy Awards - Arrivals

Carrying the sparkles and platforms torch of the evening.

70th Emmy Awards - Arrivals

As much as I love mint. This dress is wrong. All kinds of wrong.

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

So apparently this was her wedding dress. She is divorced now and supposedly wanted the dress to have a night on the town. What really had a night on the town were her erect nipples. When the Ungermyer took the stage to accept the Emmy, her areolas quite literally poked my eyeballs out. She even had the gall to mention that she skipped the bra. NO NEED TO LET US KNOW, WE RECEIVED THIS MESSAGE WHEN YOUR NIPS TOUCHED THE MIC BEFORE YOU DID.

70th Emmy Awards - Show

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WTF.

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

I thought I read somewhere that Kirsten Dunst is preggers but judging by this photo and her knockers busting out of her dress yet having 0.0 waist or belly, I’m very perplexed. Landry is literally scaring me.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

I’m not sure that the Emmys are the place to roll up like you’re Janis Joplin. She looks great for like a concert or the AMA’s.

70th Emmy Awards - Arrivals

Not even a little bit flattering.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

Could everyone just put their nipples away for one night? Also props to the “paint your two front strands of hair blonde” color job.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

I am afraid. Also if you look at her from the right angle it looks like she has elf ears and she’s carrying a bible. That is all.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

Tracy looks like an idiot. Which he might’ve been aiming for. So this could be a compliment.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

This is just a tripping hazard. I mean, come on. I’m assuming she didn’t expect to win or she’d have a broken neck.

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

Alison Janney is having a moment lately because she’s got a hot bod and her career is still kickin but I don’t think that gives her the right to dress like a showgirl. She could’ve rocked a million other looks way better.

2018 Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

This is a dress for a 12 year old.

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

I can’t stop staring at the top of this lime popsicle of a dress. Why so round?

70th Emmy Awards - Arrivals

From lime to banana.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

When your boyfriend is hosting maybe bring your A game.

BEST

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

I think this is a tasteful amount of feathers and Keri looks like a babe.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

You’ll find that many made the best dressed list just because I violently hated so many outfits that when I saw an outfit that was just fine, I threw them a bone. Her legs look good so here ya go.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

Joey King of Kissing Booth fame gets her princess moment but like where the hell is Flynn?

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

Another dreamy princess/napping dress that I can always get down with.

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

He always looks fresh.

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

I’m into the green for something different.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

Basically one of the only SNL stars who didn’t look like they borrowed costumes from set to wear.

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

This is so weird and yet I’m mesmerized by it. Probably because it’s Alexis Bledel and she looks beautiful in anything.

70th Emmy Awards - Arrivals

Power suits for a power couple.

70th Emmy Awards - Arrivals

Milo kind of looks like a geeky waiter but it’s Milo and I love him anyway.

US-ENTERTAINMENT-TELEVISION-EMMYS-ARRIVALS

This fella is really embracing fall fash and I’m here for it.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

The bowtie! And the pants! And the boots!

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

YAAAS CONNIE! Will she ever age?! Will that head of hair ever look less than perfect?! NO.

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

I don’t love Chrissy’s dress but it’s not like hideous so whatever.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

This is fun and adorbs!

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

Hot damn, lady. Didn’t you just have another baby?

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

Benedict’s fine and all but his lady friend is really rocking the yellow with a red lip.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

Another cozy furry number that I want to lay my head upon. Hair could’ve been better but hey, who am I to judge? (lololololol)

70th Emmy Awards - Arrivals

It kind of looks like she’s barefoot but if you’re not distracted by that like I am, check out this sassy jumpsuit equipped with cape! This might be sneaking up into one of my favorite looks of the night.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

Showing the men some love.

70th Primetime Emmy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 17 Sep 2018

I mean we get it, you’re skinny and you have big boobs but I do like this color a lot!

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

Although I usually shy away from showing off your pecs in a dress, this color looked good on her and looked good on camera when she did her not funny awards show bit while introducing a category.

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

Mandy always looks good but I am wondering why we needed to mermaid the dress so short that her feet are sticking out. Her cleavage looks luscious though.

70th Emmy Awards - Arrivals

This suits her. Would I wear it? Never. But she’s rocking the hell out of that tulip dress.

NBC's "70th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards" - Red Carpet

My favorite look of the night and it ain’t even close and I swear it’s not because she’s married to JT and they look BOMB together. But like, it also kind of is…

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We got a babysitter. #Emmys

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – Supes Unpredictable

becca

Becca’s family has made it to the Maldives and she can’t wait to ask them to pick her future husband because she loves them both and can’t decide. Her family gets the Garrett sneak preview that he’s been married before. Tough room to walk into when the only info they’re fed is that he’s already done the damn thing. Garrett makes a super vague toast about Becca’s dead dad. Just say you wish you could’ve met her dad rather than make a long-winded cringe worthy announcement that not everyone could be there in person. Then Garrett literally full on sobs to each member of Becca’s family and it gives me all the uncomfies. When Becca’s sister (who I wouldn’t have known was her sister unless they kept captioning it) tells her how emosh Garrett is, she’s like oh he’s never cried in front of me. Seems like a weird time to pull the waterworks if your future wife hasn’t even seen you shed a tear yet, but whatevs.

Becca then tells her family to treat Blake like they did Garrett. Nothing like telling your family how to act around the guy that’s obviously not going to win! Blake’s looking like a trendy lil snack in his pink shorts and matching bouquet. Too bad he’s about to get his heart crushed. He says he’s excited a billion times like he’s having a Tourrette’s episode. The nervous energy is palpable. When Blake sits down with the sis, he uses the CLASSIC interview tip to bide time, saying great question when Becca’s sister interrogates him like she’s hiring him to be her brother in law. I’ve been doing a few interviews lately and I also use that tactic. Except when I say great question that’s usually my answer because great question universally means you stumped me and I’m too stupid to form a coherent answer here, thank you for your time. Becca’s sister is Team Blake and says he would challenge her and be more of a teammate. Becca bursts into tears, so it’s obvious where this is going. Becca’s mom is already comforting Blake like you’ll be fine if she doesn’t pick you. MOM SIXTH SENSE. Not a great start to the ‘sode for your boy Blake.

Becca’s family is like sucks that you have to make this decision, best of luck to ya. Becca asks what her dad would think and her mom’s like he’d want you to be happy. NO SHIT.

Becca’s last date with Garrett is on a yacht and they talk about how lucky they are and stop all serious conversation to squeal over dolphins swimming by. Ugh we get it you’re happy and lucky and everything’s peachy on your free trip to the Maldives. Later Garrett and Becca talk about how they touched all night at their slumber party.

garrett

Becca’s legs send mixed signals her on her last date with Blake. She wrapped her legs around both SO HOW WILL WE KNOW WHO SHE CHOOSES?! Blake says they constantly challenge each other, which makes it very obvious now that it’s been said 10 times about their relationship that the producer has fed them this phrase. Blake gives her a homemade time capsule of their time together. YOIKES.

blakedate

Back in the studio, Chris Harrison is here to tell us that what we are about to see, he HAS NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS, GUYS. PREPARE YOURSELVES. Spoiler alert: Becca dumps Blake and he leaves. Nothing out of the ordinary, just like every single finale. I would ask how this MF’er Chris Harrison sleeps at night feeding us such bullshit lies to try and up the dramatics but I already know the answer to that. He’s rich and famous AF.

Anyway, Becca allows Blake to go to the proposal spot and give his whole speech and Becca looks nothing short of uncomfy throughout the whole thing. Then Becca takes over and basically only speaks in past tense. She says she pictured this moment with him the whole time, which is a real dick thing to say to someone who’s not getting the moment. Not only is the guy getting his heart stomped on but also he has to do it in a full suit in the tropical heat, roasting like a giant sweaty pig. Everyone cries, or just like, sweats from their eyes, who knows.

blake

Cut to Chris Harrison live in the studio with Blake, torturing him for our entertainment. I HOPE YOU FEEL GOOD ABOUT THIS, CHRIS. Blake obviously is having a hard time but felt reassured that their love was real from watching this season back. Nothing notable happens with him and Becca onstage, except for Chris Harrison awkwardly pointing out his “support system.” Hey cameras, pan over there and show that Blake has people here for him so he doesn’t off himself:

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He just is genuinely sad and heartbroken and wants Becca to be happy. I’m gonna go on the record and say that Blake is not the next Bachelor.

She picks Garrett because he reminds her of her dad. I’m just gonna let that sit there. This is the ring. Also gonna let that sit there. Cough cough, Blake’s was better cough.

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IRL, Chris Harrison asks when Garrett knew Becca was the one and he answered “Yeah.” Sweet. They’re sooo happy and in love and Garrett’s sorry for being offensive on Instagram and OF COURSE THEY’RE MOVING TO LA. Chris Harrison surprises them with a 1980’s minivan and Garrett says let’s do the damn thing. KILL ME FOREVER RIGHT NOW. THE END.

PS if you want a good chuckle, look up Garrett’s wedding photos from his last marriage. BECCA 1.0, YO. The two women could be identical twins. K, byeeeeeeeeeeee.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – Don’t Be Like Arie

Blakey-Face

Screen Shot 2018-07-24 at 7.56.56 AM

Per Bachelorette tradition in Thailand, Becca takes Blake to the sacred temples, where they cannot touch or kiss, WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY THE HARDEST THING EITHER OF THEM HAS EVER DONE. Not trying to bone each other for like a half hour is rrrrrlllllyyyy difficult. Ugh. New couples are the WERST. They learn about true love from an actor pretending to be a religious affiliate because something tells me the actual Buddhists of Thailand weren’t looking to become reality TV stars in America. Just a hunch. Afterward, Blake brings it up that he can’t ignore the fact that she’ll be having sex with others the very same weekend. Becca reassures him that they have the most solid relationship (liar liar pants on fire.) Literally all they talk about before and after the sex is how insecure Blake is. Props to Becca for not slipping and telling him she loves him like a dummy, making it much, much worse. Girls are so much smarter than guys—cough cough Ben Higgins.

Gordon Bombay

jason

Becca and Jason dance in a street fair because they’re ADVENTUROUS. They eat CRICKETS and pretend to LIKE THEM! But then the date takes an unexpected turn and I’m not talking about cricket-induced diarrhea. Becca has a nervous breakdown and leaves Jason to vent to a producer. She said talking about their future home together made her feel weird. Seems pretty clear cut what’s happening here but obviously it gets dragged the hell out. At dinner, Jason tells Becca how much he loves her and she leaves the table once again to cry about how it doesn’t feel right. When Becca finally returns to dump him he says are you confident you don’t see a future with us and she goes I’m not confident, I just see it more with the other guys. YIKES. Go home, Jason. That’s rough. He tries to fight for more time and she gives a hard no. Jason’s a stone cold gent and wishes her happiness, no tears or dramatics. I’m pretty sure Becca cries harder than when Arie dumped her, which seems like a little much. She also compares herself to Arie, which is even more than a little much. Girl. Arie dumped you on TV after proposing to you and then wouldn’t leave and just awkwardly watched you cry. Don’tchu ever compare yourself to that hot mess. He also has a real problem with making pregnancy jokes about his future wife, which is alarming at best. Find a new practical joke, A-Money. Becca, you’re better than this.

Chriiiiiiiis Farley

Garrett and Becca stand on a bamboo float and are surrounded by 100 million other people doing the same thing. I tried paddleboarding for the first time a few weeks ago and if there were that many people around and watching me I would’ve just spun right around and immersed myself in the sand instead. Although, if we’re being honest there were quite a bit of people out and I was too scared to stand up so I basically used it like a kayak so I wasn’t judged by the fit-mom doing headstands while singing Moana on her board. FTR, that story was not exaggerated and I wish it was.

Garrett’s biggest fear is being engaged or married again and having it not work out. Gr8 thing to tell a girl a week before you’re expected to propose. After a super long and boring conversation (sry I still can’t with him), Garrett tells Becca he’s in love with her. They bang stay over in a jungle tree house. If the person I was going to marry ever made me camp out for our first romantic night togets, heads would roll. Becca tells us that she’s in love with Garrett too. HMMMM. Garrett blows the most awkward kiss ever to Becca and won’t stop bobbling his head. GAWD HE’S ANNOYING.

treehouse

Jason comes back for closure because he left WAAYYYY too easy. It’s basically just a longer version of what already happened before. And he gives Becca a scrapbook of them. What a prince. If princes had stupid hair.

Since I spent a good amount of time shitting on Becca’s dumb-ass sparkly club dresses all season long, I would like to throw some props her way because Thailand agrees with her. The florals, tie-dye and even her red off the shoulder dress at the rose ceremony. ON POINT, GURL. Almost makes up for her 8 episodes of Vegas showgirl getups. Also this rose ceremony was as useless as this entire episode was. Solid two hours of filler TV. So glad I could be here for it. Garrett does a QUEER ass toast at the end that literally just pisses Blake off because he’s not the only one in love with her. Off to the Maldives next! But first, douchnozzles tell all~~!

PS: since the leg wrap jump has become a prominent thing this szn, let’s analyze. She jumped into Blake AND Garrett’s arms and tried to crawl up inside of them, but Jason just got a hug–feet firmly planted on the ground. We should’ve known right from the start of that date that ole Slick was doomed.

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