Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – I Wanna Find My Person

Mantacea, CA with Garrett

Garrett’s family owns an agricultural business. He shows her a “planter” and I shoot up off my couch in cold sweats suffering from severe Farmer Chris Soules PTSD. Don’t do this to me, ABC. Put farming in the grave next to Chris Soules’ clean driving record. BOOM. ROASTED.

chris soules

Garrett walks into his living room like he’s headlining at a comedy club. The energy and the applause in the room is so ridiculous I feel like I’m watching an SNL sketch. And no, that’s not a compliment to your dumb Chris Farley impression, Garrett. Obviously the whole family is like don’t break Garrett’s heart like that dumb betch ex-wife of his. Garrett’s mom is talked up as a tough mama bear and she couldn’t have been softer. Everyone approves of Becca, of course. Becca says it all feels like it’s falling into place.

Buffalo, NY with Jason

Jason takes Becca to a wing contest with what appears to be all college kids. Becca passes the test that it’s blue cheese only with buff wangz and thank God because I thought the city of Buffalo was going to have to kick her out for being such a n00b. If you eat ranch with wings you have garbage taste buds and that seems pretty obvious. Then they go ice-skating and apparently my Mighty Ducks reference has been even more spot-on than I thought as Jason shows off his knuckle puck skillz.

wings

Jason’s whole story with his family is that he’s guarded and will not be able to open up in time. Jason thinks love is missing Becca when she’s in a different room and basically talks himself into telling her he loves her. Even his mom was like u sure, bro? Either way, he tells her.

 Bailey, CO with Blake

Blake brings Becca to his high school for a makeout sesh and to show her that he’s still down with his old teachers and coaches…well some of them. Remember when Blake shared last week that his mom had an affair with his coach and I compared his life to a TV show? Well that’s got nothing on this week as he takes Becca to the library and tells her he survived a school shooting at that very high school. Holy bananas. No joke his life is a teen drama TV show. I mean that literally looks like the exact library Peyton hid out with Lucas while her leg bled out. But quick turn, in the gym Betty Who is casually performing a concert. Was there any significance of Betty Who in a Colorado high school orrrrr? Also if you had forced me to name this artist without Becca announcing it or even one of her songs I would’ve failed miserably. Seems like Becca was her number one fan though with that grade A sing-along.

blake

Blake is happy and in love and his parents see it but think his heart is gonna get stomped on, so they also pretend to be hard asses with Becca and ask how she feels. When will parents on this show understand that the girl is never gonna tell them who she’s going to choose at hometowns. Get your heads out of your asses. Also if you’re paying close attention, the one whose family keeps talking about how worried they are that he’s falling too fast will one HUNDO percent get his heart DESTROYED. So there’s that unfortunate incident to look forward to, which will probably lead to him finding redemption after heartache by being the next Bachelor.

blakes mom

Another Colorado town with Colton

Colton takes Becca shopping for gifts to bring to the children’s hospital with him. Really laying it on thick here. He’s a sweetie with the sick kids and Becca’s ovaries grew three sizes. Sorry did I say ovaries? I meant her boner. Except as much as she wants to scoop Colton’s virginity, she also wants him to know she’s concerned he’s never been in another serious relationship.

kids

Colton gathers his entire extended family for a hang. How overwhelming must that be to meet a guy’s 3rd cousins on TV? Colton looks for props from his dad for communicating about Tia like an adult. He could not have asked for daddy’s approval harder. Also, why does Colton’s dad know about Tia if all they did was smooch one time? HMMmm. Becca says she wants to find her person to the zillionth parent tonight and I’m about to go insane. Does Grey’s Anatomy get a cut from the Bachelor every week for the amount that they call someone their person? Gawd that’s obnoxious. Also I’ve probably legitimately asked that before because that’s how much the phrase is used on this show. Anyway, moving on to Becca discussing Colton’s virginity with his mom. YIKES. Colton tells Becca that he loves her.

Becca meets up with her fake girl gang that just want more screen time and aren’t her actual best friends. She recaps what’s been going on for this group of over-actors. She announces that Jason is the best kisser in the world, which makes me hope that her future husband doesn’t watch this back because it sure as shit ain’t Jason. Tia interrupts Becca MID-SENTENCE while she’s talking about Colton to have a private chat, allowing for the girls to practice their best Whitney Port shocked faces. And that is how we know whatever confession will follow is sure to be ridiculous if she couldn’t let Becca get through a sentence. Tia confides in Becca that she still has feelings for Colton and it makes her sick that Becca’s considering him. WELL TIA YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE YOU BIG DUMMY. Obviously now Becca feels like a pile of hot garbage for stealing her “friend’s” man. I think I hate Tia now.

Right before his fate is sealed, Colton asks Chris what REALLY goes on in the fantasy suite because he’s nervous about putting out. Chris is like we’re not Pornhub bro, when the door closes you can do whatever. (Until Mike Fleiss makes a show about that too.)

Rose Ceremony: Blake, Jason & Garrett

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelorette – She’s Not My Person

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Becca wants to move to the Bahamas. Becca is all of us. Except for the part where she gets paid to go there and mack a bunch of dudes. In the Chris and Becca weekly gab sesh; Becca declares that she wants no drama this week. Something tells me there will be drama. Chris Harrison does a dumb analogy about Las Vegas and betting even though they’re in the Bahamas and he asks Becca to bet on the outcome of this journey. She bets she’ll be engaged. No shit.

Becca drops in on the boys and requests hugs from all like she’s picking up her kids from school at the end of the day. She announces that there will be four dates and no rose ceremony so BUCKLE UP. Colton’s up first, which gives the remaining butthurt bruhs plenty of time to talk shit about the Coltmaster being a virgin and how he should go home. Meanwhile, Becca drools all over Colton’s body for like a solid amount of time. Girl needs that D. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a female openly slobber that hard in Bachelorette history. Just when Colton’s going to confess to his chastity ring, a Bahamian wearing a white crop top cut like a paper snowflake you used to make for your bedroom window, interrupted to send them diving for conches, which HILARIOUSLY sounds like COCKS.

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A bunch of terrible sexual innuendos follow. It pains me to think that whoever writes these scripts actually thinks these are funny. LOLOL Colton’s a virgin so let’s have the two of them make some cock jokes and slurp something as an “aphrodisiac”.

FINALLY, Colton spills the beans about his lack of sexual activity. Becca appears to not take the virg news so well by saying, “REALLY?!” then excusing herself for a second to fake cry about it (?) When she returns (offering no explanation as to why she ran away) he talks about how hard it was being an athlete and a virgin. Boohoo. He wants his virginity to be a gift for someone. Becca wants to accept that gift so she gives him a rose. If I were Colton I’d be like wait a minute you just made me feel like a piece of trash by walking away when I confessed something embarrassing so I don’t want that rose. But Colton is dumb and so is this show. Also not for nothing but I’d stay woke on this whole virginity thing. Colton’s got charm and I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s not 1 hundo percent true.

 Love is in the Air with Garrett

They fly over the islands and Garrett is annoying. I’m sorry. I just really don’t like the guy. And I’m willing to bet he wins too. They make out a lot on a private beach and fornicate on a tree swing. Later, Becca toasts him and says thanks for a great day, I have fun with you and Garrett replies you’re really good at that. What’s she good at, Garrett? Forming sentences? Turns out the last girl who met his family was his ex-wife and he hasn’t really dated since then. Becca is like we’ve had the same romantic history basically and roses him.

You Make My Heart Skip a Beat with Blake

HOT start to this date with the return of the Baha Men’s greatest hit Who Let the Dogs Out….who.who.who.who. Oh apparently they’ve got a new song! WHAT ARE THE CHANCES? Blake and Becca dance awkwardly as only white people can to island music with that much flavor. If we’re being honest this new beat’s got nothing on a song comparing letting dogs loose to the start of a party. I am hashtag grateful that the Baha Men were able to come out of retirement for this d list free concert for TV. WHAT HAVE THESE CRAZY GUYS BEEN UP TO FOR THE PAST 15 YEARS?!

baha

Anyway, Blake opens up about his mom having an affair with his bball coach when he was in high school. YIKES. Reminds me of that show Life As We Know It, which obviously got cancelled, but starred early 00’s babe sodas Missy Peregrym and Sean Faris. Spoiler alert: he finds his mom sleeping with his hockey coach in like the first episode. Then DRAMA ensues. Anyway, look it up. That show is 1 trillion times better than this one. It also had a PRETTY steamy teacher student affair. Dirty stuff for primetime TV. Jus sayin. Anyway, Blake is in love with Becca and I’m pretty sure he was the first to say it. OBVIOUSLY he gets the rose and Becca admits to us that she’s also in love with him and sees him as her husband. Took it one step to far Bex, don’t get ahead of yourself here with 4 guys left.

These Days Are Never Easy with Wills, Leo and Jason

The guys run at Becca who is wearing an all denim whoutfit. Who has been dressing her this season? Because I’ve had enough. There’s never a need to wear matching white shorts and denim jacket with white sneakers. Thankfully the jacket is ditched for a friendly game of beach volleyball with the whole gang. She’s having a blasty blast but we all know how this is going to go. She’s friend zoned Wills and Leo and Syracuse.com spoiled a home visit with Jason roughly 4 months ago. Leo says he feels behind on the relationship front, and Becca spins the breakup making it sound like it was his fault for being honest. Goodbye you beautiful man bun. At night, Becca gets frustrated with asshole Coach Bombay for not opening up and telling her he’s falling for her like everyone else has. He feeds her some bullshit about being hurt before. Wills wears the hell out of a Hawaiian shirt. Wish he could’ve come to my Hawaiian themed birthday party. Him and the Baha Men. Could’ve been a real rager. Wills gets sent home but we know he won’t be lonely for long because he’s adorable and dresses well and is super sweet and oh ok as I was typing this sentence it was announced he’ll be on paradise of course. NEXT WEEK: HOMETOWNS and more Colton/Tia drama that no one saw coming except everyone did because there’s clearly more to that story. TOLD YOU TO STAY WOKE ON COLTON, GUYS.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – I Was Gonna Open Up

Full Discloszh: I missed the first hour of last week’s episode and rather than somehow make it up to write the recap, I decided I had 0.0% desire to do that. SARRRYYY.

becca

Richmond, VA

This bum ass town is apparently known for love. Cause they have a statue that spells out love. Becca sits down with Chris Harrison to tell him she has baby fever and is already feeling love. (Say love again.) One step at a time, girl.

Life is full of surprises with Jason

I was shoving ravioli in my mouth and when I came to, I realized that Lincoln and Chris were bitching at each other about body shaming. I have no clue what was happening or how this started but I do know that everyone hates these two and they’re shouting at each other as they’re basically touching thighs on the couch. It makes no sense. How can two men be so heated, but still be rubbing limbs casually? EXPLAIN IT TO ME.

jason

Jason and Becca’s date is basically a Mad Libs. They bake donuts in a church, make out in a coffin and kick it with a bunch of Goths talking about death. This date BLOWS. Becca’s got the hornies for Jason’s kisses. I was just about to shit all over Becca’s terrible surprises but then she actually stepped it up by bringing his friends out to meet him. Becca gets really deep with slick’s friends. She’s like is he a good partner and they’re like yeah.

Later on, Jason basically tells us that his grandparents are Allie and Noah Calhoun and how inspiring it was to watch his grandma go through that and how it makes him more appreciative of life. Becca opens up about her dad taking his last breath. Yikes that got real, real quick. Jason gets rosed because they connected on a deeper level. Tongues.

Let’s Make History with Colton, Blake, Wills, Connor, Blake, Lincoln, Chris

The boys have to do a mock debate in the Beccalection because Becca is looking for her “running mate.” BLOW MY BRAINS OUT. They’re put on the hot spot for relationship questions. All of the guys that we already know are making it to the finals give practical answers about puppies and love. This week’s villains that we most certainly don’t need use the debate to shout at each other about fat shaming again. GIVE IT A REST, BOYS.

chris

Just when I think we’re done with a history lesson lurking in my weekly binge of trash TV, one bored cameraman decides to focus on the creepy paintings in this random house. Every few seconds our retinas are treated to a super zoom into a pair of dead oil painted eyes on the wall. While this is giving me nightmares, Becca is hearing that Chris is a loose cannon and he denies it. Then goes downstairs and blasts off all over everyone, loose cannon style. WHO’S LYING AND WHO ISN’T? Who cares, just mute the TV and feast your peepers at Connor rocking nerdy, sexy, chic in those glasses.

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Garrett’s mad because he was gonna open up to her and everyone F’ed that up for him. Becca watches them all bitch at each other but pretends she didn’t. Colton gets the rose for literally no reason.

The World is our Oyster with Leo

The minute Leo got a date card I guessed he was going home. Then they hugged and all of the moisture was sucked out of Becca’s vagina, I assume by the radiating lack of chemistry. Becca is emotionally drained, which I feel like she’s trying to blame for not being sexually attracted to a guy who has the same hair as Slash. He does rock a sick man bun though. I’ll give him that. They grab oysters out of the sea. Becca keeps saying that she should like Leo but none of us missed her dodging her head away at one point when he tried to kiss her cheek.

oysters

At dins, Becca wears a dress that Forever 21 sells right around NYE for hoochie girls watching the ball drop at a club, blackout smooching a stranger while Aviici (may he rest in peace) bumps over the speakers. Leo talks about being a failure in his dad’s eyes because he didn’t pursue baseball. He tears up and Becca comforts him. In an actual twist of events, Leo gets the rose. Seriously does she even enjoy kissing him? OMG IS THAT A COUNTRY STAR PERFORMING THEIR LOVE SONG THEY WANT TO MAKE BIG AND THEN OMG IS THAT LEO AND BECCA DANCING IN FRONT OF THE AUDIENCE? Becca. Burn that dress. I’m embarrassed that you wore it to a country councert, staged or not. A bunch of 13 year olds grind up on the two of them awkwardly and whisper to Becca that they really like her dress.

Connor and Jason talk about how volatile Chris is while he writes a letter and according to the background music, plots a murder. Apparently Becca doesn’t feel safe enough to even stay in the same hotel as creepy Chris so he has to walk across town to find her, uninvited. Chris menacingly walks the streets in his camel colored pea coat and matching suede booties. He tells Becca he wants to marry her and she’s like nah, I’m good. Cameldick stomps out and doesn’t let her walk him out or say a proper goodbye. Becca feels great about sending him packing as she should because he was acting like a total psychopath.

All the guys take turns regurgitating scripted lines about how important cocktail parties are, which obviously means Chris Harrison will announce that it’s cancelled. Try to keep up.

Roses: James, Colton, Leo, Garrett, Blake & Wills

Don’t worry everyone, Connor and his trendy specs will have a ticket to Paradise and that is the most obvious.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – Captain UNDApants

becca

“I’m like a sponge, you can squeeze me and get everything out of me… But you’ll never know until you try.”

Back at our SUPER dramatic cocktail party that was to be continued for no reason, Blake and Becca talk about what they’ll name their 5 children. They’re vibin real hard because they both like guys names for girls. Little Stevie and lil Charlie will one day watch their parent’s love story unfold on TV. Jordan insinuates that in a quick chatski with God, he made David’s injury happen. Ok, creep. As a reward, Becca gives Jordan some gold shiny nut huggers. David comes back looking BEAT. He’s got a busted nose, black/bloodshot eye and possible missing teeth. Bruh. Why even return? Jordan piles on right away for his ugly face. Becca’s all, “DAVID, REMEMBER ME?!” No, Becca, he fell off a bunk bed and has memory loss like Michelle falling off her horse in the series finale of Full House. She gives him a rose because he smashed his entire face off from sleeping too hard.

Rose Ceremony: Colton, Chris, David, Jason, Wills, Nick (in a jumpsuit), Christon, Lincoln, Blake, Garrett, Leo, John, Connor, Jordan, Jean-Blanc

 Park City, Utah

As soon as she steps foot into this winter wonderland, I am immediately bitter. Adorbs cozy sweater, rustic lodge with a fireplace, cute little snowflakes flurrying around her as she looks at the snowy mountains on her rich ass balcony. WANNA KNOW WHAT WINTER IS RLY LIKE? Slushy and freezing and not wanting to leave your apt for 5 months. This is an LA person’s winter fantasy and I’m here to tell the truth. Winter isn’t a dream.

Bobsled Time with Garrett

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Becca & Garrett start the day off doing a classic goofing off in stores montage. They go for a ride on the ski lift. Becca notes that she hasn’t been on a ski lift since she was 12 and she goes now I’m 28…how long is that? Which reminds me of the time this year that I said N*SYNC was first popular in 1998 and asked my boyfriend how long ago that was. It’s good to know I’m not the only one who’s dumb at numbers. They’re going bobsledding with Olympians. Fun fact, the two Olympians fell in love in the bobsled and now they have two kids. So, bobsled=love. Also, they gave a whole speech about teamwork but really Becca and Garrett just get driven in a bobsled by a pro. LAME. I wanted to see two amateurs take a sled for a spin down an ice luge. Call me reckless but that would’ve made much better TV.

Back at the house Lincoln who beats women and poops on the floor, also argues that the earth is flat. Yes, let’s listen to this jabroni.

Later on, Becca tells Garrett that he reminds her of her dad. Garrett’s only been in love once when he was fresh out of college and they got married and divorced. They were married for a brief 2 months before getting divorced. This gives Becca the scaries. What she learns is that Garrett’s ex wife was emotionally abusive and he didn’t want to get divorced but realized she was the wrong woman for him. Becca’s all, you’re loyal AF and I want this. She roses Garrett and what do you think they do next? They obviously walk on over to an impromptu Granger Smith concert. Because what would a one on one date be without a lesser-known country musician and a staged slow dance at a concert?

 I’m Yelling Timber with David, Lincoln, Connor, Christon, Colton, Jean Blanc, James, John, Jordan, & Leo

A real life lumberjack piles onto the “I met my sig other in my profession” contrived storyline. In a surprising turn of events, the bobsledders were lesbians but the female lumberjack wasn’t. The men have to show that they’re good at chopping wood. It’s straight out of Win a Date with Tad Hamilton. Super embarrassing for the guys that couldn’t make a dent. Nerdy John ends up lifting the log and I was like YEAH JOHN, YOU SHOW THEM, YOU BIG NERD. Then he said I lifted a log, woohoo, with a stupid victory dance and I immediately regretted cheering for him. They all button up their Old Navy flannels and clip on some suspenders to compete in a log-festive competition. Looks like splinter city, tbh. John wins the Golden Axe. Well-deserved cause how the hell did he win a physical competition with these meatheads.

golden axe

Jason says he cares for Becca and then kisses THE WEIRDEST. He moves his head but not his mouth. Huh? Jordan strips down to his golden undies and tries to make out with Becca who visibly cringes and says I can’t. Way to keep up the façade that you’re keeping Jordan here for yourself and not because producers want him around for entertainment/a fiery 2 on 1 date with David. Colton takes Jordan aside to tell him that he’s acting like a clown. He’s protecting Becca, of course. Jean-Blanc gives Becca her own fragrance called Miss Becca Blanc and then whispers in her ear that he wants to kiss her. Becca has never been more turned off. I literally felt the sahara dry heat comnig off of her vagina during that kiss. He gets interrupted and Becca is relieved but since he’s tone deaf, he comes back for round 2. He tells Becca he’s falling in love with her and there’s actual crickets. OBVIOUSLY Becca says she doesn’t see a future with him. As she’s walking him out he asks why the perfume didn’t work and that he lied about loving her. Becca goes on an honesty rampage at the guys. NO ROSES FOR YOU DIRTY LIARS.

Snowmobiling with Wills

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Becca’s crying about last night still but says she doesn’t want to ruin the date. Wills just wants to make Becca smile. What a cutie patootie. They share some respectful, polite kisses and it makes me happy. At night, Wills opens up about how he thought he found his person and his heart was broken. BITCH ASKED FOR A HALL PASS AND STEPPED OUT ON HIM!!! He’s afraid of not being enough, as one would be when their past girlfriend was a two timin’ hoe. He gets rosed and they make out against a lovely stone wall.

NO COCKTAIL PARTY BECAUSE THIS EPISODE STARTED WITH A ROSE CEREMONY AND WE’RE CUT FOR TIME. (Also not to brag but I’ve gotten to the point where Chris Harrison walks into the room and I can say verbatim what he’s going to say. As soon as he strolled in post-date, I was like well there’s no cocktail party tonight because Becca is sure of what she wants to do. Do I get an award for predicting everything ever that happens on this show? I wish I did.)

Rose Ceremony: Garrett, Wills, Leo, Colton, Blake, Jason, Connor, Lincoln, John, Chris, David, Jordan

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – No Spring Chicken

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All the guys in the house are apparently besties except for Jordan, who has to eat his breakfast in the corner of the kitchen, facing the backsplash tile. This sets the tone for the MOST DRAMATIC episode ever. And by MOST DRAMATIC, I of course mean that the editors cut shit together for a full two hours to make us believe everything was drama and conflict and I am NOT here for it. STAY WOKE, BACH NATION. Let’s dissect this pile of shit.

It’s Time to Relax with Wills, Jason, Jordan, David, Jean-Blanc & Colton

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Becca NEEDS her girls to help her and support her for this date. How shitty would you feel if you were Becca’s ACTUAL best friends and your opinion is basically dirt because you’re not part of Bach Nation looking to grab every minute of screen time possible? Anyway, true to Bachelor incest, we found out that Colton and Tia have previously “dated” and Tia claims that he went on the show hoping she was the Bachelorette, which is a real bitch thing to say to your “close friend.” When the guys walk in it’s ALL SORTS of awkward. It’s even more awkward when Becca forgets Jason’s name. How is it remotely possible that she remembers any of these boners names? It’s episode 3. Cut her some slack. The boys change into spa employee uniforms and Jason/Colton have a heart to heart near a soothing waterfall over this stupid thing that they’re going to draw out for as long as possible. The girls let the guys do their nails, which stresses me out to no end. I don’t even like letting the lady at the nail salon do my nails let alone those slob kebabs. Becca takes Tia aside. Her and Colton apparently only kissed but Becca still wah wah’s about it. They awkwardly stare at each other and say they love each other. BFFS CAN’T BE FORCED. CUT IT OUT, ABC, THIS IS GETTING WEIRD.

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In the evening, Jordan talks about his Tinder game being strong and David turns around and blabs it to Becca. She rolls out and is all, “4 thousand Tinder matches? High five, bud!” But since she can’t cut Jordan because he’s good TV, Becca says she’s just joking and s’all good. In Jordan’s apology he says being a model is tough. He’s a golden retriever in relationships and is looking for a girl with a bright smile. These are all word for word things he said. Is Jordan annoying? Sure. Is David’s stuttering and tattling like a 2 year old 1000x more annoying? Also yes. All of these men whining with full-on manis officially sends me over the edge. And finally, Becca ends this bullshit Tia conflict with Colton by getting the F over it and giving him the rose, because OBVIOUSLY she wants to bang Colton, or like have a makeout sesh if this virgin storyline is real.

Let’s Make Your Heart Sing with Chris

Becca and Chris go to Capitol City Records and Richard Marx is playing piano. Becca asks him to play THE ONLY SONG I can name by Richard Marx. He has her sing it. I cringe into the ground. He’s apparently been sent to write their love song. Drama though, songwriting digs up Chris’ daddy issues and fear of being vulnerable. He walks out of the studio to have some alone time. Becca smooches the courage back into him and he crushes it of course. Richard sings their lyrics while they slow dance and make out. Speaking of Richard, I’ve never seen a man show less emotion. Kind of an odd pick to coach vulnerability and songwriting. At dinner, Chris tells Becca about writing a letter to his dad and never hearing back. Becca understands and roses him. They slow dance to Right Here Waiting by Richard Marx. Again, does he have to repeat this song because it was his only hit orrrr?

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Sounds kind of boring, right? Not anymore because in one quick jump we’re suddenly seeing David being carried out on a stretcher and there’s blood everywhere. Casually. They flash a solo shot of Jordan kicked back on the couch to insinuate he murdered David in cold blood. Every season we see an ambulance scene in the teaser that is supposed to make us believe the men fought and it is ALWAYS a fakeout. So taking it one step further and just tossing this scene in out of nowhere then trying to lead us to believe Jordan killed David is the farthest I will allow ABC to take this farce. Enough is enough. We return from commercial to the guys LITERALLY mopping up blood and describing David’s conditions and questioning if he’s alive. IF HE IS ALIVE. Chris visits Becca to give her the news. Becca goes WHO DID THAT and Chris Harrison responds with, “he fell out of bed and landed on his face.” How on earth did Chris deliver that line without hysterically laughing? Becca calls him and is like we totally won’t tell America that you almost killed yourself sleeping LOLOLOL just kidding cat’s out of the bag! SO IN CASE YOU MISSED IT, AN ALREADY ANNOYING GUY DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO SLEEP IN A BUNK BED AND FELL, BREAKING HIS NOSE AND APPARENTLY BLEEDING OUT ALL OVER THE MANSION. Don’t worry though. He’s coming back because he can’t miss his five minutes of fame. And now Becca can’t even cut him out of pity. Because he fell out of bed. And ended up in the ICU. This show is slowly killing me.

We Can Tackle Anything Together with Clay, Garrett, Leo, Christon, Bryan, John, Mike, Lincoln, Connor & Blake

Becca enlists the support from the Legends football league for this date and I honestly have no clue what that even is. Either way, Becca is surprised to see another side to Clay. He was a professional football player. What is surprising that he’s good at football? (I will redact this later.) The guys tackle each other and Becca soaks her athleisure on the sidelines. In ambulance drama part 2; Clay has a wrist injury and needs to be taken to the ER. I’VE NEVER BEEN MORE OVER THE MEDICAL DRAMATICS. Act like normal humans and spend 6 weeks without needing to be rushed to a hospital, guys.

Later, Garrett lifts Becca in the air and she’s like put me down, my bhole is out. Blake gets in his head about going from a one on one to a group date. He calls Becca his girlfriend and she mounts him. Judging by how giddy Blake makes her, we are to assume he’s getting rosed. But THEN, Clay, who couldn’t attend at first because he was getting a soft cast velcroed on his wrist, surprisingly shows up in a sling and gets the rose, pity style.

Cocktail Hour

Clay does some soul searching because he needs a surgery immediately to “save” his wrist. He needs to decide if he wants to stay for Becca or leave for football. CLAY. IF YOU GOT INJURED IN A PICKUP GAME, YOU NEVER HAD A FOOTBALL CAREER TO BEGIN WITH. GOODBYE, LEGO HEAD. FOREVER. Becca cries to the camera and says she has nothing left and she’s just done. I’ll bet you 1 million dollars she was talking about ANYTHING else or her sentence was edited to that because there is no way on this planet that she’s that torn up about Clay leaving. I’ll tell you what I am done with is starting the cycle of rose ceremonies at the beginning of an episode. BOOOOOOO to this week’s episode. Next week better dazzle the shit out of me or include all of the Jordan one-liners in the world or I’M OUT.

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The Bachelorette – I Wore My Underwear, Bro

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I’m Ready for My Big Day with Clay, Nick, Chris R, David, Jean Blanc, Jordan, Connor & Lincoln

The guys try on tuxes and Jordan needs to show off how he walks like a model. They go outside to do the exact same date that Rachel had all of her guys do last season (an obstacle course) and whatdya know, Rachel and Bryan are there to help. I’m honestly kind of sick of Rachel coming off as such a badass kewl gurl in her guest appearances because she couldn’t have been more of a plain bagel when she was the bachelorette. Guess it goes to show that once you’re contracted to be the lady everyone is trying to date, you can’t say shit like “What that mouth do.”

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Lincoln won but he apparently cheated in the ice tub so obviously all the other men are enraged about it. Later, Lincoln attacks Becca’s face like it’s a Christmas ham and he hasn’t eaten in weeks. It doesn’t look like she’s enjoying this even a little. Lincoln puts his framed photo with Becca in the middle of the coffee table and everyone cries about it. The picture gets tossed and broken into shards by a jelly belly who didn’t appreciate Lincoln whispering sweet nothings to it. Becca then has to mediate this little bitch fit. Becca makes it clear that she’s looking for a man and not a whiny baby who tattles on other people or smashes picture frames. Not LOVING Connor or Lincoln if we’re being honest. Same with Becca cause Jean Blanc gets the rose.

The next morning Lincoln cried ACTUAL tears because watching the picture being broken “broke his heart.” Jordan takes a group of bros outside to laugh at Lincoln’s croc tears, which is ironic coming from the buffoon who made us all watch his blue steel. Then he pronounces ingenuity “ingenuinity.” Send Jordan to the Center For Children Who Can’t Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too. STAT.

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Let’s Lose Control with Blake

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Chris Harrison brings them to an abandoned warehouse where they are to change into jumpsuits and break shit that reminds her of Arie while Lil Jon (?) shouts nonsense into a microphone and plays a song from 10 years ago…when Lil Jon was relevant. Becca looks so joyful while smashing Arie-related shit that if I were Blake this would be a red flag but he’s like I love that she’s so happy right now. YIKES. Side and completely unrelated note HOW THA HELL DID SHE MAKE THIS OUTFIT CUTE?!

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At dinz, Blake tells Becca that he fell hard and fast in a past relationship. His girlfriend told him she loved him 2 months in and then 2 days later she dumped him. Hmm, I can understand feeling the need to say it back if he said it first but like who initiates that when YOU’RE GOING TO BREAK UP WITH HIM?! I am fired up. There’s more to this story and I need to hear it. Something’s fishy. Anyway, Blake gets rosed and feels like tonight is the beginning of their love story. Learn your lesson, Blake. Slow it down.

Loves Comes At You Hard and Fast with Garrett, Rickey, John, Bryan, Alex, Christon, Trent, Leo, Wills & Colton

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Three little sasshole children actors are hired to reenact Dodgeball (the movie) with this group of wieners except it’s 10x less funny. I’d rather watch these guys dodge wrenches any day of the week. They take it even further by bringing Fred Willard BACK FROM THE DEAD (literally has someone checked his pulse lately) to do commentary for the game with Chris Harrison. It’s the opposite of funny. Leo leaves his hair down during the game, which is my BIGGEST pet peeve and the only thing I can focus on. Who won? No clue, but Leo had sweaty hair matted to his face and in his eyes the whole time, which could have been prevented with a simple hair tie. (Ya hear me, 90% of girls at the gym?! PHYSICAL ACTIVITY ISN’T A FASHION SHOW!)

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Wills HAS to be high during his time with Becca, as he cries about his parent’s 50th anniversary and then goes in real hard for the kiss. Then Colton feels like he needs to get it off his chest right away that he dated Tia from last season. And by that he means they spent a weekend together (that’s a relationship in Bachelor world.) He didn’t feel the spark with Tia and hopes that Becca lets him stay because he sees a future with them. Becca’s pezzed. Wills gets the rose. Curveball. Then Becca cries even though I feel like her and Tia aren’t that tight and if they were SHE WOULD’VE ALREADY KNOWN ABOUT COLTON.

Cocktail Hour

Clay does an intricate football celebration dance just to be able to smooch Becca. Connor makes amends by framing a picture of his face and allowing her to toss it into the pool because that’s not really who he is. If Becca falls for this I’ll be pissed. (Spoiler alert: I’m pissed.) Jordan stripped down to his briefs *but kept his shoes on*. Practical. It’s cool though because he just doesn’t want Becca to get the wrong image of him and think he’s 007 all the time. He’s not. He’s also naked sometimes in dress shoes. After some babble about wanting a “mini Jordan” on his shoulder, he steers his nut huggers right into the hot seat with the chicken guy. It’s a literal cockfight. Get it? Cause Jordan’s penis is actually poking out of those undies and David dressed up as a chicken on night one. BOOM. Neither one of them knows how to pronounce ingenuity. Colton takes the time to show us he has a lisp and also prove that he’s an honest guy. Becca feels like she should let him go, which really means her vagina wants him to stay and that’s what will happen.

Rose Ceremony

Jean Blanc, Blake, Wills, Chris R., Jason, John, Clay, Mike, Connor, Leo, David, Garrett, Nick, Bryan, Christon, Jordan, Lincoln & Colton

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – Let’s Do the Damn Rebound!

chicken

If ABC teaches us anything it’s that if you allow them to tape your breakup, they will throw you a bone and let you cruise around LA in a red Ferrari convertible for shits and giggles.

Becca sits down with Rachel, JoJo and my gurl Kaitlyn. They’re like F**K Arie, you do you girl. True to form, Kaitlyn either got completely edited or she wasn’t allowed to say a thing. They “sage” the house aka just set off the smoke alarms. Then hammer it home how stupid guys are and how smart and intuitive women are because they pick the right guy for them 99.9% of the time on this show. As if that wasn’t already obvious. Now onto the boys…

Clay, 30 – Pro football player for 9 years and since I recently called him out for not really being one it certainly sounds like he’s retired now. He’s played on literally every team but his main focus is his family. When he meets Becca he plays up the football puns with saying he’ll be the biggest catch of her life and that he’ll catch her inside. My eyes rolled all over town with that. Then he brings it home by bringing literal clay for him and Becca to make sculptures with. I cannot physically listen to this man speak as it takes him 10 years to spit out a sentence.

Garrett does his Chris Farley impression right off the bat and I want to chop my head off. He’s an outdoorsy guy. Drives up to the mansion in a minivan and says one day he hopes to be a great dad. The minivan is stocked with diapers and soccer balls. Coming on REAL strong. Teaches Becca how to fish in the pool. Gives her a fly for fly-fishing and Becca thinks he’ll fit in really well with her family. Basically despite his general obnoxious demeanor, he played his cards right by standing out night one and therefore won the first impression rose AND the first smooooooch.

Jordan, 26 – As it could have been predicted from his headshot and quick bio, Jordan is a grade A male model asshole. He says things like, “The power is in the brows” or “Modeling is so much more than being ridiculously good looking. There is so much involved, it’s taxing.” He can see himself eating chocolate and watching chick flicks with Becca but HOW CAN HE DO THAT AND KEEP HIS FIGURE? Jordan then spends the entire first night talking about how much effort he put into his outfit to stand out and roasting everyone else’s’ outfits. He has a serious vendetta against a man wearing loafers without socks and also I’m confident he didn’t speak a word to Becca. Jordan is our character this season that producers will keep around just to piss us off but he’s certainly not a contender.

Lincoln, from Nigeria, likes to work out, gives Becca a Nigerian bracelet so that she’s part of the family. I can’t decide if I hate or love Lincoln’s accent and I’ll report back on that ASAP.

Joe, 31 – owns a grocery store and compares love to produce. He keeps winking and it’s unnerving. Upon exiting the limo, he shits his pants and forgot what he was gonna say to her. I guess talking about how he used to sell watermelons wholesale didn’t soak Becca’s panties and therefore winky Joe was cut loose at the rose ceremony.

Jean Blanc, 31 – Born in Haiti, and has over 100 bottles of cologne, “I’m gonna blow her nose away.” Gross, JB. Don’t ever say that again. In his intro, JB teaches Becca how to say, “let’s do the damn thing” in French. Gives Becca a candle with a poem on top that ends in “Let’s do the damn thing.” ENOUGH of that.

Colton, 26 – America’s sweetheart right here, Colton is a hotter version of Clay and heads a national cystic fibrosis charity. Unfortunately he’s only had one serious relationship and he’s quite young still so this could really hinder his chances to be the winner. But he’s the first out of the limo and gives Becca a confetti cannon to start things off with a bang.

Connor, 25 – Gets on his knee to say he’s opened his heart and is ready to do the damn thing. Steals her first and pops champagne with a knife. Connor is showy and also an infant. I don’t think this will take him far. Also she’s already made a comment about how Arie robbed her of her first proposal and you got down on one knee as your intro? Cool it.

John, 28 – talked about his grandparents with Becca and tells her right off the bat that he created Venmo. So at least she knows he’s rich.

Leo has his long ass hair up in a bun so that he can let it down for a dumb bit. She says he has hair like her sister so I’m guessing she’s NOT into it.

Nick wears a racecar driver suit and said what kind of dick wears this and strips it off. SUPER dumb and judging his bio I want this guy outta here ASAP.

Mike brings a cutout of Arie to say hopefully he gets a chance to see you as happy as you are tonight. Why. There is absolutely no need to bring up that wiener one single time in front of Becca. She got dumped on TV, you should be making her try to forget him not bring A LIFESIZE CUTOUT OF HIM TO LURK IN THE CORNER.

Blake met her already (after the rose) and put her on a horse. This time he rode a bull in? Blake just got out of a serious relationship and felt like he knows what he wants now. Becca feels like they’re on the same wavelength and they’re really vibing because they both just have so much love to give.

Chase- “It’s all about the chase” BYEEE. Immediately has to defend himself and say that he’s here for the right reasons because another one of the Florida wieners knows his ex girlfriend who has been bad mouthing him. Chases’ defense is that he’s been watching the show with his mom forever and that’s just how women are. He THEN brings Chris over to talk about his ex girlfriend with Becca and try to prove that he’s a good guy. It’s super awkward and now I hate both Chris and Chase.

Ryan wears a hideous floral jacket

Christon literally dunks over Becca’s head and even the guys watching were turned on.

Wills – admits he’s a closet nerd, has a HP tattoo

Jason – teaches Becca a queer handshake and I still hate him.

Kamil makes Becca walk to him in the driveway to say that relationships are 50/50 but really it turns into 60/40 and he’s kind of just a dick. He’s not a little embarrassed; he’s REALLY embarrassed about getting dumped on a first date.

Jake – As soon as this turd steps out of the limo Becca is like ummm we’ve met before and she doesn’t seem thrilled to be seeing him again so my immediate thought is that they’ve drunk banged before. Turns out they’ve been hanging out in the same group for years and he’s never shown interest before so Becca confronts him to ask if he’s actually on the show to date her. She sends him packing immediately. He takes it really well. JK he says he had a transformative year and he’s one of the most romantic f’ing people you’ll ever meet. If you’ve been friends with a girl for 2 years and go on a show to date her you better have a better excuse than a TRANSFORMATIVE year!

Trent shows up in a hearse and hops out and screams that he literally died but Becca brought him back to life. Get LAWST, Trent.

David wears a chicken costume and crows her name out. Uses STUPID chicken phrases to introduce himself. Becca thinks he’s fun. “I’m a lucky bird and Becca’s a cool chick” UGH. BECCA. DO BETTER THAN THIS.

Chris introduces a choir to win over Uncle Gary. After that he immediately initiates himself as this seasons’ snitch when he starts a powwow with two strangers about how Chase isn’t here for the right reasons and he wants to hold a coup to get him off the show. I hope Chris is gone soon but I know all too well that whistleblowers like him stick around to call everyone else out before they’re finally tossed. You’re not looking out for Becca; you’re just a pain in the ass.

Roses: Garrett, Lincoln, Rickey, Jean Blanc, Christon, Clay, Wills, Connor, Jason, John, Ryan, Alex, Nick, Trent, Colton, David, Jordan, Leo, Mike, Chris

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