Television

Emmys 2017 Recap

I used to do a recap for every awards show ever…in fact I think I had to physically stop myself from watching and recapping the Kids Choice Awards. That was where I drew the line, apparently. It was a very fine line. I recapped funny things that happened, or I would critique how the host did UNTIL Trump was elected and Hollywood decided that every awards show should be their personal political platform. It’s cool guys, you have your opinions and you want to share them when everyone is watching, it’s whatever. The problem HOWEVER is that for someone who doesn’t follow politics (this guy) awards shows have officially become over my head. Their jokes, their jabs, the over-exaggerated bits–everything flies over this dum dum dome, and therefore HOW CAN I RECAP A SHOW I DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND?! So to my true hardcore fans–I apologize for the lack of content. I genuinely don’t think awards shows are funny anymore because I’m not in on the joke. That being said, I’ve picked 5 things about the Emmys that WERE entertaining, JIC you also tuned out after the first five minutes of a song saturated by political commentary.

1. The Only Trump Joke I Laughed At. Obviously every late night host has perfected their Trump impression and Stephen Colbert hosting was a precursor to a whole lot of political nuances that I was prepared to zone out for. But then he read this tweet:

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And panned to Seth spitting up marbles. I actually burst out laughing. It’s the simple things that get me, really. What a great bit. Colin Jost’s casj straight face really hits it home.

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2. Anna Chlumsky is the new Taylor Swift.

I’ve never seen a more overdramatic over-reactor since Taylor Swift owned the audience cam at every awards show ever. Anna puts asses in the seats when it comes to facial expressions. Half the time I didn’t even know something was supposed to create emotions until I looked to her face for guidance. She was shocked, she sobbed for no reason during an acceptance speech & she pulled a full range of weird faces while onstage during Veep’s acceptance, just trying to find the right one. Do 1000% less, Anna.

3a. RIGHT ON THE KISSER.

I missed this happening live and was so happy that it was on twitter within minutes. God Bless Twitter. HOW can you possibly kiss your co-star like that right in Keith’s grill piece? That’s some cold shit, Kidman. Like I get that you guys had a real, shall we say, intimate acting experience together–but like NOT a good look to make out on live TV. If I were Keith I would’ve popped him right smack in the middle of that stupid ‘stache he’s rocking. My friend and I sat there with baited breath through Nicole’s acceptance speech to see if she would even thank Keith because obviously we were convinced just from that kiss that she’s having an affair. Cheating is bad but like maybe Nicole sleeping with her costar is what Keith needs to clean up that hairstyle that he’s had since 1997. It’s such a horrific mom cut and it does not belong on his head. Just saying. This could be beneficial for all. BTW she did gush over her hubs and called him “my Keith” so I guess she wins back points for that. BUT I HAVE MY EYE ON THE SITUATION.

3b. Nicole hates Reese.

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Big Little Lies was my draw to the Emmys this year. Each year I watch one thing that’s worthy of awards and BLL was my golden ticket this time around. So I was extra interested every time they were on screen, especially because they made such a giant deal about all being women and how GROUNDBREAKING it is that women are lead roles in Hollywood, which I feel like has been going on for some time, but whatevs. I knew that they all couldn’t be besties like they kept blabbing on about so I waited for the weak moment and I didn’t really need to search hard for it. Nicole was up against Reese for lead actress in a mini-series and when she won, she kissed that husband of hers (at least it wasn’t Alex this time) and bolted up to the stage at lightning speed. Reese was sitting DIRECTLY BEHIND HER. All it would’ve taken was a quarter turn and fake butt-out hug but she didn’t even give her that. BURN CITY, Population: Reese Witherspoon. Then she starts her speech with  “Reese, I share this with you.” Do you though? And then proceeded to have a 15 minute speech that the DJ didn’t DARE play off. Suddenly Nicole Kidman is a power player? What is going on here.

4. The Pearsons are REAL.

I may be biased because Sterling K Brown delivered my favorite speech from last year’s Emmys but I also feel like he deserves a shout out because they played him off the minute he opened his mouth last night–yet let Nicole Kidman talk for an hour and a half. AND THAT AIN’T RIGHT. Before they literally cut the camera away because he kept talking over the music (KEEP PLAYING, BITCHES) he thanked his This is Us family “You are the best white TV family that a brother has ever had.” That just warms my heart. THEY’RE A REAL FAMILY, YOU GUYS.

5. Oprah.

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I don’t know if I just haven’t been paying attention lately now that Oprah is off TV, just living somewhere soaking in her riches from the OWN network, but girl has dropped an ENTIRE PERSON in weight. She’s got some sassy dark frames and she looked like a real babe soda last night. CBS knew it too. They plopped her front row center so that everyone had no choice but to admire the O. Even John Oliver thanked her in his speech because “she’s sitting right in front of me and it seems inappropriate not to.” Everyone bow down to Skinny Ope. PS White is NOT slimming so it’s even ballsier for her to wear that whoutfit and still look SAP.

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Music, Playlist

Summer Palooza 2k16

 

The sunshine season can’t truly begin until the infamous* Summer Palooza drops.

(*use term loosely)

CAN’T STOP THE FEELING! – Justin Timberlake. I declared this JT bangerang the song of the summer on May 6th when it was released and I stand by it hard. Is it played ad nauseum on the radio? Don’tttt caaaaareeeeee. Get that sunshine in your pocket and just dance dance daaaannceeee like you’re dressed like Ellen.

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Summer – Cassadee Pope. I mean, come on. This song was written specifically to be drafted for summer palooza.

I Like The Sound Of That – Rascal Flatts. One of those feel good country songs from a band that are basically considered dinosaurs in the industry by now. Seriously, I feel like the Flatts have been lip syncing at award shows for the past 100 years. Anyway, ❤ the JT shoutout EVEN though they say Timberlake’s got nothin on this girl. WHAT a bold statement.

Superstitious – MKTO. Any music MKTO releases makes me instantly want to drop into a split and spin on my head. Don’t worry. I physically can’t do that, so I’ll white girl head bop instead and let them remind me of the duo from Another Cinderella Story that a young Selena Gomez sassy danced all up on. (Seriously though, are they the same people? Right down to the fedora…)

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vs.

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Brand New – Ben Rector. A surprising soulful twist for the mix, it’s time to shed some light on ya boy Ben Rector and bump this for road trip vibes.

Work from Home ft. Ty Dolla $ign – Fifth Harmony. Even though this one’s been floating around since early Spring, I’m still down with it because I DO work from home most of the time. And it definitely doesn’t go like this… Either way Fifth Harmony crushes the high school band practice meets sexual lyrics year after year.

Wherever I Go – OneRepublic. I always forget about OneRepublic because it seems fishy that they’re still releasing music while Ryan Tedder is writing songs for like 90% of pop singers. But regardless, every summer they seem to have new music and this one is surprisingly UPBEAT!

Once In A While – Timeflies. Even though Timeflies released a real weird video for this song, it’s still catchy AF and Cal still floods my basement with just one note. Why aren’t these two super famous by now? They’re about to open for the kid with the holey eyebrow in a mall bowling alley next week. Not even headline…OPEN. What is wrong with this world? Make these two megastars, STAT.

CAL

Fix – Chris Lane. If you’re looking for something to indulge on this summer, Chris Lane is it. He’s got your fix, he’ll be whatever you need. He’s also a straight up smokeshow. Yes Chris. Be all of the things for me, pls.

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Bacon – Nick Jonas ft. Ty Dolla $ign. Nick Jonas is soooooo0oooo deep now because he wrote an album about his breakup with Ms. Universe but realistically he’s just singing about tossing bacon on stuff. It pretty much makes 0.0 sense but when you add a beat to my favorite crispy breakfast side, it’s summer palooza gold. PS no clue who Ty DOLLA $ign is, but snaps for him earning 2 prestigious spots on this mix. That’s how you get your start in the music biz, so I’ve heard.

Sun Don’t Let Me Down (feat. Nile Rodgers & Pitbull) – Keith Urban. I hate myself for liking this song because it goes against every fiber of my being that hates Pitubull and his Mr. 305, Mr. Worldwide yellin’ ass but it’s fire.

Ain’t Got Far To Go – Jess Glynne. Jess made her debut last summer with some radio hits and we’re getting in touch with our inner jam band/reggae by including her this year. Clap it up for musical diversity. But seriously, put those hands together because there’s a whole lot of clappin in this song.

Like I Would – Zayn. Although I never wanted to support someone who could up and leave 1D, it would be wrong to admit that this bedroom jam Zayn that was born out of it doesn’t do things for me. Plus Harry’s the lead actor in a movie that’s probably going to win Oscars, so no hard feelsies. I would say that Zayn’s pretty cocky about his sex skillz with both Pillow Talk and this, but he managed to snag the hottest young model in the world and I’m gonna go ahead and guess he’s probs good in bed. They broke up for a hot second but GiGi remembered that no one would touch her like Zayn does, so she was like JK we’re back on.

Night’s On Fire – David Nail. David Nail’s a cutie and also consistently puts out classic country songs about hot babes and summer feels. I accept.

Treat You Better – Shawn Mendes. Technically Shawn is more for the teeniebopper Disney crowd but whatever because Stitches was my shit and I can already tell this song just might top that old school Bieber good good.

Snapback – Old Dominion. This is more of a PSA than anything: snapbacks are all the rage now. And by that I mean, backwards hats are all the rage. If you’re of the male gender and flip your hat backward, your pussy magnetism will skyrocket. Facts only. Unfortunately this is a song about a girl wearing a snapback. Less hot. When I wear a backwards hat, my family calls me Icebox from Little Giants. Double standard. Quick recap: guys, flip it backward, girls don’t do it unless you want to be compared to a female trying out for the boy’s football team.

Yes:  lukebryan

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Put It On Me- Austin Mahone Ft. SAGE the Gemini. It’s pretty embarrassing that two years in a row I’ve roasted Sage for what clearly is his calling card. They don’t already know you Sage, no one knows you. And no one will know you if you keep backing up Disney singers on their breakout “I’m a bad boy who does sex” tracks. Nick Jonas skyrocketed over the past year and with this spicy number, it looks like Austin Mahone is about to do the same. And poor S-A-G-E is left behind still just wanting to already be known.

Sorry – Beyonce. This is an unsanctioned add behind my co-producer’s back but you know what? I AIN’T SORRY. Beyonce made Lemonade (and cold hard cash) out of Jay cheating on her. It needed to be addressed on my summer mix. Everything about this song is cocky and cool. Yonce telling Jay to suck on her balls?! Damn. I also cannot and will not stop laughing at how disgusted she is with his F’ing excuses. The delivery on that was A+++.

White Houses – Vanessa Carlton. Summer cannot begin nor end without ‘Ness singing about sweaty *consensual* first times in the back of a car.

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Music, Television

CMT Music Awards Recap

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Well guys, it’s here. Country season has arrived. It’s finally an OK time to listen to songs about sunshine and trucks and partying outside and feel good about it instead of trudging through snow and hating every single person in the south. Country season is short-lived in the Northeast but it’s pretty glorious. And there’s no better way to kick it off than with me sitting in my bed for 3 hours with my laptop on my chest watching a ratchet livestream of a bunch of cool as shit country performances happening in Nashville, where I am not. But whatevs, TAN LINES. JOHN DEERE. MURICA. LET’S DO THIS.

(It’s rare that you hear me say this, but for the record this was an overall entertaining show. Props to CMT.)

Highs

-Lady A kicks off the night with “Long Stretch of Love”, including a mid-song interlude into the land of EDM as Zedd drops some knowledge from his beat laboratory. It was entertaining at best to see the country stars at a loss for what to do with their hands for this breakdown while all the fans moshed. ALSO Hillary looked like a smokeshow slutty Sandra Dee with leather leggings, jacket and hot pink pumps. Sexy, Can I? Real talk though HOW do country singers stomp (literally stomp their feet) all over a stage in stilettos. Get back to me on that.

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-I love a good blurring of fiction and real world, which always comes with an appearance of cast members from Nashville. Deacon and Will Lexington introduce Reba and hawk Season 4…where Will teases “Some of us are coming back…good luck pal.” YEAH RIGHT, GUYS A REALLY SMART BLOGGER ALREADY PREDICTED DEACON’S COMING BACK NEXT SEASON, SO HA.

-I can ALWAYS get down with the camera panning to someone who flubs the lyrics. Last night’s most memorable was Jason Aldean’s girlfriend/mistress/wife(?) getting an audience shot during his performance and singing the wrong words. I relish in these moments. It’s the little things.

-The jockey that rode American Pharoah into history at the Belmont last weekend gets an appearance just cause and introduces Ron White. The three words he’s allowed to say into the mic are pretty incoherent but this was already hilarious because they put a baby jockey next to Erin Andrews and the height difference was glorious. Love wittle cute jockeys.

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-The boyz of FGL have been somewhat listening to me. Blazers, man. So classy. I like what I’m seeing (until the whoutfit performance…see below. HAD to ruin it.)

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-Kristen Bell gets a few cameos, bits about advice from last year’s host and such and these are funnier than anything she ever did as a host, and I’ve come to the conclusion that hosting forces jokes and over the top bits that make people unfunny. Epiphany. Watch here

-LUKE.BRYAN.IS.BACK. Look, I understand that as an artist, Luke wanted to show his range and put out a few snoozers that were really deep and not just about girls shaking their asses and I was patient. I waited for Luke to release a new banger that would guarantee a gyrating performance. And it paid OFF. He performed new song Kick the Dust Up which allowed for full hip movement. We’re going to momentarily forget that he was wearing a stupid shirt with red leather shoulder pads because there was shaking, there was a baseball cap and every time there’s a baseball cap it gets flipped backward halfway through the performance when cocky Luke comes out to play. I guess you could say my friend Lindsey and I enjoyed it…

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-Lady A wins for their Bartender music video which included Kate Upton and Charles immediately announces, “You have to put Kate Upton in a video to win!” in very typical guy fashion. #Tits #Merica Hillary tries to prevent a PR snafu and is like um no that’s not true…but realistically it probably is and this awkward moment was pretty gr8.

-Jake Owen debuts new song “Real Life” and his super hot short hair for the first time in a while and I’m loving it. Anyone who rides up to the stage on a bed gets my support. Drool. The chicks doing high kicks on inflatable pizza slices, however, can see themselves out. That is NOT real life.

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-In other awksies moments, Nikki Reed presents award for Male Video and reads a very scripted joke off of the teleprompter “It’s time to finally honor a forgotten minority…men.” Aaaaandd CRICKETS. The joke bombed so hard she was forced to nervously laugh at it herself. Someone got fired.

-The bit that seemed to work the best was a pre-recorded knock off of Uber with “Guuber” where celebrities drive other celebrities around Nashville. The idea’s pretty stupid but it played off of star power with Steven Tyler as a driver and of course, the punk who needs to be included in everything, Biebz. He and James Corden express their love for Luke Bryan and his sapphire eyes, which I can always get on board with plus a sing along to Country Girl Shake It For Me. Luke lapped that shit right up when he accepted the award for male video and declared welllll Bieber loves me soooo…

-Sam Hunt performs banger “House Party” (unfortunately still in that white tunic shirt) and realizes that his star power is his ability to make girls swoon and take selfies with them. Get it, Sam.

-Queen Carrie brings it with the outfit changes for “Little Toy Guns” performance. Flawwwwlezzzz.

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Lows

-The hosts Erin Andrews and Brittany Snow are mostly lame, as most hosts are and pretty awkward together. The bits that fell flat were Erin’s lesbian crush on Carrie Underwood and a small Pitch Perfect Nashville Bella’s performance in the beginning.

-It’s gotten to the point where I think every time Reba hits the stage she’s performing a medley of old songs like “Fancy”…turns out she’s actually making and performing new music and it all just sounds the same to me. Snoozes for Reba always. Sorry bout it.

-Apparently Whoutfits are the new cool thing of country music? What. This is not flattering at all. Knock it off.

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-Oh hey Billy Rae Cyrus, it’s so nice of you to drop in after getting a blowout to promote your new show and make me want to puke everywhere.

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-There’s a bit with Joe Dirt in it…is it 1997?

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-Joe Dirt very truthfully pointed out while introducing Keith Urban that he’s so close to a mullet why doesn’t he just do it? And I actually agree with this very trashy fictional character. Seriously Keith, your hair gets woofier every time I see it. Enough with the soccer mom cut. Grow it long for a dirty man bun or keep it boy length but either way this in between, almost mullet, almost “I drive a Dodge Caravan” style is reaaalllyyyy gonna need to go. (PS he performed a new song “John Cougar, John Deere, John 3:16″….COULD THAT TITLE BE LONGER?)

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-Arnold Schwarzenegger and Tom Arnold were on the show WAY too much. I don’t get the Arnold thing. His accent sucks and it isn’t funny. Plus did we all just forget that he banged his nanny and had a secret kid with her just because he’s the Terminator? Anyway, him in a cowboy hat spitting out incoherent sounds was downright painful.

-Mike Fisher (Carrie’s other half) is the Taylor Swift of crowd shots and he doesn’t even know it. For whatever reason, every country awards show, the camera is fixated on Mike in the audience half of the time and yet he doesn’t have reactions. Why are we watching him? Because he’s pretty…but also out of a group of drunk country boys I think we should be able to find someone more fascinating to take Tay’s place. Let’s work on that. Petition for Brett Eldredge to be his replacement?

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Full Winners List

Collaborative Video of the Year: Miranda Lambert & Carrie Underwood “Somethin Bad”

Breakthrough Video of the Year: Sam Hunt “Leave the Night On”

Duo Video of the Year: Florida Georgia Line “Dirt”

Female Video of the Year: Carrie Underwood “Something in the Water”

CMT Performance of the Year: Bob Seger & Jason Aldean “Turn the Page”

Group Video of the Year: Lady Antebellum “Bartender”

Male Video of the Year: Luke Bryan “Play it Again”

Best Video of the Year: Carrie Underwood “Something in the Water”

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Music, Red Carpet, Television

Grammy’s Red Carpet

It was music’s biggest night and the singers put on their best, which unfortunately wasn’t great. The best dressed list was a true struggle to populate and it’s not just because I’m a judgmental asshole. I had people weigh in this time. Let’s get things started with the never-ending

Worst Dressed:

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Ariana Grande with her signature tight ponytail that looks like it’s painful and a gown that looks like it was unfinished so they pinned a scrap of metallic material over it in an emergency.

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Ashanti. Do less. Also how dare you show up to the Grammy’s without Ja Rule on your arm? Show some respect.

The 57th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Charli XCX. Do even less than Ashanti. Was this supposed to be a bit? Did I miss something here?

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Trash bag meets unraveling loofah on Ciara.

The 57th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Damn it with those milkmaid braids that look to be weighing your head down, Iggy. I don’t even hate the dress because I’ve seen her do worse, but those braids really rough it up.

Jane Fonda

Legit question, why is Jane Fonda at the Grammys? In a green leisure suit nonetheless.

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I actually don’t understand how Kanye is seen as a fashion icon. His obsession with deep V’s is almost as aggress as his wife’s obsession with showing off her lady bits on the internet.

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I had to do a double take because I thought that Katharine McPhee was JWoww.

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I think I actually like the purple hair more than I like this dress.

The 57th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Kimmy, thanks for gracing the Grammy’s with your presence in a bedazzled bathrobe. Would you like me to grab your slippers?

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Bonus points for matching the hair to the dress but yikes put the bewbs away.

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KANGOL. NUFF SAID.

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Madonna, you’re 56, woof. Time to retire the corsets.

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This is conservative for Miles. That being said she looks straight up terrible. Is she coming down from a bender?

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I would expect nothing less from someone who sings about buhholes.

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Pharrell & Wife trying to one-up his historic Arby’s hat moment from last year with a nice readywear gym couples outfit.

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Rihanna saw this online and thought it was cool. I’m wondering if that means she stumbled upon the DIY loofah costumes on Pinterest. She looks like she’s 400 pounds.

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Ryan Adams taking his divorce with Mandy Moore well in a Canadian Tuxedo.

Zendaya

The Dumb and Dumber hairstyle, the hideous colored dress and matching lip. No thank you, Zendaya.

Best Dressed:

Anna Kendrick

Anna Kendrick with the ever popular this season, tuxedo-no bra combo.

Beyonce

BeyBey with the mermaid waves and form-fitting lace gown.

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Chrissy Teigen crushes red carpet looks all day erreday.

The 57th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Gwen Stefani wearing the pantsuit well and also keeping up appearances for her performance (see recap).

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I see you in that green velvet suit, Jesse. ❤

The 57th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Jennifer Hudson’s hair is looking pretty mom-ish but damn that body! The dress fits her well and looks great.

Mary J. Blige

MJ Blige with an age approps and beautiful gown.

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I’m still half in half out on this one, but I think I’m leaning toward in so here it is. Meghan Trainor trying something different.

Miranda Lambert

Not my favorite for Miranda but she crushes her peformance outfit so that helped her make this list. (see recap)

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Normally not a hat person but Ne-Yo is lookin real smooth.

The 57th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Nick Jonas with the fitted plaid suit paired with white kicks. Wish he picked different shoes but he looks real trendy.

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Nicole truly looks the best I’ve seen her look in a long time. Keith doesn’t deserve to be on the best dressed because of THAT HALF UP, HALF DOWN HAIRDO. NO KEITH. NO PONIES. (He also seems pretty casj about Nicole TOWERING over him.)

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Lovin on that dress on Kimberly and the sleek pony.

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Hate the hair, half in on the dress. I think the sparkles distracted me. And I drank a lot of wine tonight.

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Jessie J in this sheer black number is pretty classy. Never into the greasy slicked back hair.

AND THE BEST DRESSED OF THE EVENING GOES TO:

The 57th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

This isn’t even me being a biased Taylor super fan. This look is awesome. The dress fits well, has sass in the back, is a spicy color and the legs + purple heels just seal the deal for me. Could’ve gone without the earrings that look like ones my mom used to have that I thought were costume jewelry and she was like no these are real earrings I wear in public, but whatever. I’m not going to nitpick, it’s not really my style. 😉

Keep reading for the full 4 hours condensed into highs, lows and cat naps in my Grammy’s Recap.

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Country, Music, Television

CMA’s Recap

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Awards season dry spell is over, betches. If you’re a country fan and you fully committed to the 3 hour show (I’m going to assume not many of you) you can relive the highs and lows of last night right meow. If you missed the awards, you can skim through this and have something to discuss over your cubicle wall today. (Or if you’re me, cubicle window. Yeah guys, I get a cube window. BE JELLY.)

The opening performances went from blah to better. Kenny Chesney was first with a performance straight out of 1968. I’m shocked a hologram of Jimi Hendrix didn’t appear next to him to further the gimmick. It would’ve been nice if I had gotten the memo to drop acid before he took the stage, kinda rude don’t you think, ABC? I couldn’t even tell you what song Kenny played because I was just too distracted. The country hats and cowboy boots amidst the tie dye and school bus were a liiiiiitttle out of place. No worries though, quick rebound by transferring to Miranda Lambert and Megan Trainor doing a country version of All About That Bass. Great duet but the main takeaway here was that Miranda came in HOT trying to give Carrie a run for her money in the leg game. She challenged Carrie to defend the title. AND OF COURSE Carrie did. The great Leg-off of 2014 (see below). Okay I promise you that even though I sat through every single minute of this mostly snoozefest of a show, I will not give you a minute by minute recap. Here’s the breakdown–

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Best Moments:

-Carrie’s outfit changes. Edge of my seat waiting to see what was next.

-The elephant in the room. Carrie & Brad address T. Swift in their opening monologue stating that Nashville is suffering from “Postpartum Taylor Swift Disorder”. Laughs are had at the expense of Nashville being thirsty Swifties. Our girl T may not have been country for a few years but it warmed my icy heart to see that no matter what country music has her back.

-Steven Tyler is the first presenter & has a jam sesh with Carrie and Brad to “Crying”. It was staged but still pretty great. Also Steven was wearing shoes and I think we can all appreciate that. (If you want nightmares google image search Steven Tyler’s feet)

-Brett Eldredge wins New Artist of the Year and I listened to his acceptance speech with my eyes glued to the TV and a creepy grin on my face. He 100% deserves it and I’m proud of my future husband for snagging that award.

-Brad spends a few minutes of his hosting duty eating cheeseballs out of a baby carrier. Brought me back to the days of housing a full tub of cheezeballz guilt free. Ahh, college.

-Keith Urban performs “Somewhere in My Car”. He’s the stuff and so is that song.

-Little Big Town performs Day Drinking and then Ariana “Bang Bang” Grande sashays onto the stage and they all sing her song with light up dresses. Judging this against the other performances it was great, because I stayed awake for it, but I would’ve preferred them trying to mix country and pop rather than sing a country song and then a pop song. It was odd.

-Miranda debuts a sassy new bob that kills it and her and Blake proceed to snatch up all the awards with an effortless “it’s almost as if we don’t do this every year” vibe.

-The Doobie Brothers take the stage with Hillary Scott, Jennifer Nettles & Hunter Hayes and play some good ole classic rock. Jennifer Nettles spends the entire performance with her mouth open and literally can’t find her chill. Hunter Hayes was on guitar and was just grateful to be able to play with the big kids.

-Luke Bryan wins Entertainer of the Year and we get to look at his pretty face more. Note: no hip movement whatsoever (see worst moments list)

Worst Moments:

-Is there anything worse than networks throwing two random people together to present an award and then writing compliments for them to read from the teleprompter to each other? It’s awkward and gives everyone the uncomfies. Stop doing it.

-Taylor gets a best and worst spot because she was actually nominated for female vocalist of the year and SHE WASN’T EVEN THERE. Girl, they just declared their support for you and you big-timed them? If we’re being honest I’m probably more bitter about her not showing up because her awkward crowd dancing & dramatic reactions were SORELY missed. NO ONE owns an awards show crowd like Tay.

-Florida Georgia Line wins Vocal Duo of the Year and mullet sneaks that G-D DISGUSTING VEST back in. Hey bro, it is NEVER sexy to wear a vest with no shirt underneath. If you also browsed my fashion recap you’ll see that I put FGL on the best dressed list JUST because they both put actual shirts on. Well GUESS WHAT, you two clowns are officially revoked from my best dressed list. Boom. Roasted.

-Kacey Musgraves and her goofy outfits/hair and her honky tonk barn music.

-Little Big Town winning Vocal Group of the Year and all shouting random things at once as an acceptance speech. Mic etiquette, guys, ever heard of it? Designate ONE speaker.

-Luke Bryan performs a slow song and DOES NOT shake it for me. This should be illegal. Every girl in America was disappointed Luke, just so you know.

Just For Ratings:

-Ebola.

-Renee Zellweger

-Carrie Underwood whispering the gender of her baby to Brad Paisley, setting him up to “let it slip”, and then mentioning it every five minutes. THE PAGEANTRY. THE RATINGS. It’s a BOOYYYY.

-The amount of almost vag slips. Ariana Grande wearing her typical bra and mini skirt, Kacey Musgraves cutting it too close for comfort and Ashley Monroe performing with Blake in a sequin tee, no pants. We don’t need to see it to know it’s there, girlz.

-ABC doing their best to confuse you about which CMA’s are real. The ones you’re literally watching, or the ones they’re teasing every commercial break in the Nashville promo for next week. DOES THIS MEAN RUKE/LAYNA AREN’T REALLY NOMINATED? Please advise.

If you noticed that I didn’t include many performances in my recap it’s because most of them were suuuuuper snoozeworthy. Let’s step it up next time, gang, look alive…give me a reason to stay up past my bedtime. Aaaand that’s all–go forth and spread the country music word, my friends.

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