JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 6/22/2020

1a. Kristin Wants Bonus Points.

As someone who is a reality star and built her own brands for jewelry and clothing, Kristin is no stranger to marketing. And this post is nothing short of a marketing move. Her divorce has been a shitshow of her team basically slinging mud at Jay in the press with him not even saying a peep except for his Mother’s Day post on instagram giving her a shoutout (which we’ve yet to determine if she actually posted on his account.) He comes up looking like roses every time because he very clearly is not looking for publicity. Well, Kristin wanted a little attention as well. She wanted to stop looking like the bad guy, so she posts the above THE DAY AFTER FATHER’S DAY basically so everyone will applaud her for being a good sport. NOT ME, KRISTIN–NOT ME. I’m firmly Team Jay and I didn’t really need many reasons other than Kristin seems like a real sneaky bitch (plus I was always an LC stan anyway) and Jay seems like a real stand-up guy. But we were all #blessed with even more reasons to love Jay this week…

1b. Need All Eyes on the Chicken Serial Killer

Jay made his first ever Instagram story. As someone who probably was 24/7 filming and taking portrait photos of his wife, he didn’t really have his time to shine in the sun with content. But boy oh boy, he’s making up for that now. He has created a saga that has the whole world captivated. Someone has been murdering Jay’s chickens and he NEEDS to get to the bottom of this mystery and save his “ladies.” He has a real asshole cat (all cats are assholes and people who haven’t figured it out yet are dummies) that could be a suspect, or of course whatever wild creatures live in the backwoods of Tennessee. He promises that he’ll put a camera out and stake out in his kids treehouse to get to the bottom of this. Unfortunately for all of us waiting with baited breathe to see who is murdering these chickens in cold blood, it rained the first night and really put a damper on his watch. Night two, he got down and dirty and borrowed some night vision goggles. I don’t know how he does it, but Jay Cutler has one of the most uninterested, dry sarcastic tones, but he is captivating. I NEED to know who is ravaging his chickens and I REALLY want it to be the cat because it would prove my lifelong theory that cats are sneaky murderers. Unfortunately he has already cleared the cat and apologized to it…but I won’t rest until we have a suspect in custody. I will stay up all night with Jay checking his Instagram stories for updates until there is justice served. (This is something I’m able to do as I’m just as unemployed as Jay.) Here are just some of his updates from the past 24 hours that I so lovingly screen recorded from his Insta so that everyone can enjoy this wild chicken killer chase. Savage move by the gun company to get involved for a giveaway. Now we’re monetizing this like it’s a true crime doc and I LOVE IT. NEED more Jay in my life. How much do you think Kristin is hating this attention he’s getting and how do you think she’ll try to weasel her way into it? LMK.

 

 

2. Is Huffing Still A Thing?

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I guess it is for our little Alfalfa! Bug Hall was arrested this week in Texas for huffing. The only knowledge I have on huffing is that there was a 7th Heaven episode about it where Simon painted a mural with some kids from school and they were huffing paint cans. They all had red spray paint all over their faces and then got bloody noses. It was disgusting, Simon obviously narced on them and Annie Camden came in to lay down the law and tell everyone’s parents that their kids were ingesting fumes instead of a well-balanced diet. All was well by the end of the 45 minute episode. It was the 90’s when that aired…also when Bug Hall was best known. So apparently he got hooked on the cans in the 90’s and just never stopped? Because if you told me that people still huff today when there’s 90000 other drugs they could do that probably produce the same high, I’d tell you that you’re crazy. WHO HUFFS FROM A CAN?! Also, I would never have guessed that it’s ILLEGAL and grounds for arrest. Learn something new every day I tell ya. Bug is now 35…has children and was arrested in a hotel room full of fumey cans. As far as child star arrests go, I’d say this is pretty high on the list. That mugshot is WOOF (not as bad as Goldberg’s but really no one can top a methhead) and I am very embarrassed to admit that I once had a raging crush on Bug. My sister and I recently stumbled upon Get A Clue–the Disney Channel original with Bug and Lindsay Lohan and remembered thinking Bug was hot back in the day so we re-watched. We almost puked in our hands at our terrible taste in boys. We also couldn’t get past Lindsay’s horrific acting and pastel-tinted sunglasses she wore in school DURING THE DAY. The movie was switched off immediately and we opted for A Ring of Endless Light instead because a girl who can talk to dolphins was much more in our wheelhouse. Praying for Bug’s recovery from addiction to aerosol cans.

3. Slow Down, Demi.

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BAAAYYBEEE – I have so much fun with you and there’s so many things I want to say right now but I want to be present and spend this bday with you so I’ll be quick: Being with you makes life SO MUCH FUN 😆😝 We literally act like hooligans on the daily and don’t give a FUCK if we’re embarrassing ourselves if others are around!! I spend my days with you, bare faced and in a bathing suit.. I feel unconditionally loved and accepted by you in a way that I’ve never felt before.. I can’t explain it or you.. you’re indescribable, you beautiful, man. Inside and out you are jaw-droppingly gorgeous.. You’re also such a positive lil beam of light in my life and I can’t wait to make more birthday memories together.. here’s to the future baby. I love you @maxehrich 💙💙💙💙 p.s. everyone swipe to see my dog Ella literally trying to steal my man… 🤣

A post shared by Demi Lovato (@ddlovato) on

I’m just looking out for my girl here and it seems like things are moving rather quickly for her in this relationship. Not long ago she released the single “I Love Me” where she basically admitted that she has no problem showering other people with love but she hates herself and she really needs to learn how to love herself first. GURL. Have you learned yet? Because that seems like a speedy turnaround time and now you’re already in a new hot serious relationship. I’m just being a friend. I would want any of my besties to keep me in check and make sure I’m good. Plus I’ve heard (through movies and TV) that addicts aren’t advised to have a relationship in their early years of recovery. I’m no expert, but I think watching a lot of TV and movies makes me one and this seems like a slippery slope. Don’t get me wrong, Max is cute, and I’m happy if my girl’s happy but COULD this just be infatuation? Cause they’re lookin REAL PDA in these photos and I’m just wondering if it’s more about the bang bang bangity bang. Just spitballin here. Also when she said “Here’s to the future baby” and didn’t use a comma I quite literally thought it was a pregnancy announcement. So, let this be a lesson to all–grammar is key and also safe sex plz because I don’t feel like this is the right time for a Demi baby. TAKE IT SLOW GIRL, LOVE YOU LOTS! Call me! Kbyeeeeeee.

4. Ms. Frizzle Comes to LIFE.

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Another idea mined from the 90’s to be recreated! Lookie lookie here! I love how everyone razzes me for how much I love 90’s pop culture and fashion, when in reality, current pop culture and fashion is obsessed with the 90’s. The Magic School Bus was LIT and anytime a teacher let us watch one of their movies instead of listening to them speak, it was like a school field trip all in itself. Ms. Frizzle was a wild teacher with crazy red hair and was like hey guys you wanna learn about this? LETS JUST FLY THE DAMN SCHOOL BUS RIGHT INTO IT! And let me be the first to say, this should stay in cartoon format. There are some things that you don’t want to see in live action 3-D and this series is one hundo percent one of them. I distinctly remember the human body episode where Frizz-nasty commandeers the bus down a kid’s throat to show everyone what germs are kicking around in his body to give him this cold. When you see germs as cartoons you’re like eh that’s kinda gross but also cool. I don’t need to see germs IRL like we’re looking under a G-D microscope. Leave that to icky science classes. Not for me. I also don’t need to see the kid have a VERY wet sneeze to get the bus out of his nose. I almost just ralphed imagining that. So once again, I’ll reiterate for those of you in the back that may not be paying attention: the 90’s were cool as hell but I’ll dictate what’s worth recreating and what’s not. Pro: Bike shorts, overalls, scrunchies, Olsen Twins & Babysitters Club. Against: The Magic School bus IRL.

5. The Chicks.

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I’m REEEEEEEEEEEALLLY reaching here but the Dixie Chicks are changing their name and dropping the Dixie because it’s racist AF, I guess. Kinda like Lady Antebellum changing their name to Lady A and then pissing off a black blues singer with the same name who has been around longer than them and pointed out that them trying to take her name is exactly what white privilege is. So, The Chicks should be a smooth transition. I’m guessing musicians are trying to keep some semblance of their original name since they’ve been around forever and have albums and merch and all these copyrights on their original name…but calling yourselves The Chicks sucks. At that point just go back to the drawing board and brainstorm a whole new name but make sure you’ve got a historian in there with you to point out what can be tied to racism. But everyone’s just scrambling and shooting from the hip nowadays when it’s literally the WORST time to scramble and shoot from the hip. These things should probably be really well thought out but who am I to judge. HAHA. Just kidding. I am me and I will judge the hardest. I haven’t quite seen what shit the Chicks are getting yet but I’ll be anticipating diving in on that. The only thing I did see was this A+ tweet that made me laugh out loud. Anything that ties back to the CLASSIC that is Saved by the Bell will always get a full-belly laugh from me.

BONUS:

Somebody please explain TikTok to me because I was producing hilarious content out the ying yang last week and it was stacks of 0 views. This week, I threw out my $17 straightener that I bought when I was 15 and learned that letting my hair air dry and then using a ConAir crimper just wasn’t going to cut it once I was a high schooler. It was an emotional ending for me as this straightener has seen the best and worst of my hair throughout the past 15 years. It was only fitting that I gave it a proper burial with Enya. I expected this to be a dud just like the rest and whatdya know I checked TikTok twenty minutes later to confirm and it had 15 likes and 152 views. SO I GUESS I JUST HAVE TO BE NOT FUNNY TO BE NOTICED ON TIKTOK. I do not understand this app, which makes sense because I do not understand today’s youths and I feel like the two go hand in hand. This jarred me and I wasn’t sure what my next TikTok should be–something that I laughed at or something I think a 12 year old would laugh at. Therefore I only churned out one TikTok this week. To be fair, I also produced a HILAR video of my dad cannonballing that I worked really hard to splice some throwback 90’s audio in for but when I showed it to him expecting praise and affirmation that I’m creative AND funny, all he told me was that he looked like a heffer and this video was never to be posted anywhere publicly. WOMp WOMPPPPpppPPPP. Thanks, DAD. Way to have BODY CONFIDENCE. Don’t be out here doing 100 cannonballs and telling me to film or boomerang them if you’re just going to scoff at your dad bod in them. So instead of posting that, I’ll post this bitchy tweet about how much I hate celebs and their lack of individuality. Have a good weekend, everyone except famous people who get internet adoration for being TOTAL PLAIN BAGELS.

 

 

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/11/19

1. Sexiest Man Alive.

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I know that I once wrote a very heated takedown of People for their shitty choices in Sexiest Man Alive, based solely on the fact that they’ve never crowned Ryan Gosling but over the years, my anger has simmered because obviously this whole thing is rigged anyway. I’m ok with John Legend. I don’t feel triggered or slighted. I feel like he’s a lovable character who has talent out the wazoo and looks like someone you might want to cuddle with, so sure, let’s call him sexy. What I don’t feel GREAT about is that Chrissy Teigen’s twitter antics probably pulled more weight with this nomination than anything else. Everyone knows she likes to get fired up on twitter and come at people. She’s the hot, dirty-mouthed sassy B wife to John’s gentle and tender doe of a personality. I don’t doubt for a second that the higher up’s at People were like what will create buzz? Someone with a mouthy wife on social media that everyone thinks is hilarious. And boy did she have us all eating out of the palm of her hand. Poppin offfff on Twitter. And for that, I’m like eh I might be out. It’s overplayed. We get it. You’re unfiltered. So am I. People don’t think I’m that funny either. And I recognize that. (See #5 where I show you that people on Twitter like very unfunny things.)

 

2a. Combat. She’s Ready For Combat.

Tay has assembled a Swift army. LITERALLY. Like how baller do you have to be to just write a note on social media that gears thousands of fans up for combat for your music from a bunch of mean ole music industry bullies. If you haven’t kept abreast of the music drama, Tay left her record label, the head then partnered with Scooter Braun and told her that they owned everything she wrote while signed with that record label. Which was like her entire career leading up to this album. She called them out, Justin Bieber made fun of her then she announced she’d be re-recording all her old songs so that they’re hers again. We all forgot this happened. Cut to last night when she releases this manifesto and suddenly THEY’RE NOT LETTING HER PERFORM ANY OF HER MATERIAL?! UH, UH HONAY. I worship at the ground of awards shows and if she’s not allowed to perform the hits, I will RIOT. Apparently, so will everyone else. Here’s all her buds stepping up on social media for her.

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Naturally, Big Machine released a statement that if I may paraphrase here, said: Nah, she’s lyin. And like honestly after what happened with Kim/Kanye and Taylor before, do you THINK SHE’S GONNA CALL SOMEONE OUT LIKE THIS IF SHE DOESN’T HAVE PROOF?! So I’m waiting with baited breath for her to pull out those receipts y’all.

2b. Collaborashawn.

Taylor’s having a real big week. She deserved a two-parter here. Technically 3 if we want to recognize her new song for Cats as well, which we do not. That movie looks creepy as hell. Out of everything on Lover, the title track seems to be the most TAY and most unique. She wrote the whole thing by herself and it’s ooooooooooobviously about her plain bagel of a boyfriend. So when she dropped this remix this week I was real perplexed. Seems like the last one she would want someone to re-write and collab on but hey, it’s her world, we’re all just living in it. Although it doesn’t hold a candle to the original, I’m a fan of Shawn’s smooth vocals and I think it’s nice enough to give a cool gurl head nod. To say his portion of the song is a love letter to Camila is a little TOO much. Let’s pump the brakes, they’ve been dating like 5 minutes. I don’t think he’d really wanna go down with the Titanic for her. Leo tried that one time and it really backfired for him.

3. Demi’s New Mans

Always a Demi stan, I’ve been rooting for her to keep it together ever since her overdose a little over a year ago now. I worry about her and like to see that she’s doing well–you know–by what she chooses to show me on social media because unfortunately she doesn’t text me on the reg like JLo does. There were some rumors that she was getting after a Bachelorette contestant, but those are squashed now that she’s made this public coupling with this cotton candy colored hair jabroni. Apparently he’s a model. He also posted a pic on his account so YOU KNOW IT’S REAL. And if you can’t already tell from my tone, I do not approve. Girl’s got too much going on to focus on a relashe right now. And that’s my completely unsolicited and unwelcome relationship advice for this week.

4. I’m Confused.

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I lied. I got more unwelcome bits for these two ladies. I saw this article on People earlier this week shouting out Selena and her BFF Julia Michaels. Apparently they’re on a real hot streak lately of Bff’in. They performed together, Selena just attended Julia’s 90’s themed birthday bash and now they’ve gotten matching tats of arrows that point to each other when they hold hands. And People is like aren’t they just the cutest besties you’ve ever seen? No. No they are not. Name one pair of friends who kiss on the lips and get hand holding matching tattoos. NAME ONE. I got very passionate about this super casj article considering we are HOT OFF THE HEELS of Miley and Katelyn. Those two are smooching all over the joint and they’re having a lez fling, these two are basically doing the same thing and they’re just BFF goals. WHERE IS THE LINE, HOLLYWOOD?! I really really don’t understand it. Someone explain it to me because I have never once, nor will I ever smooch a friend on the lips. Am I doing friendships wrong? Pls advise.

5. Twitter is Garbage.

I watched the CMA’s on Wednesday  (blogged the red carpet) and got a Halsey boner, so I sent out a very PG, unfunny tweet into the twittersphere, giving props to the performance, which I encourage you to watch below:

My tweet went viral–well viral for someone who gets maximum 6 likes on a tweet. In fact, I’m still gaining new followers and getting action on this tweet and it’s more than 24 hours later. Here is my stupid ass tweet.

I’d just like to let all of my new “fans” and followers know, that I think I’m hilarious. And I spend a significant amount of time crafting the perfect tweets as if I’m writing a punchline for my own well-attended Netflix stand up special. AND THIS IS THE ONE YOU MF’ERS RECOGNIZE?! FOR REAL? I used to live-tweet every awards show like I was being paid to do it and NOTHIN. Never recognized for my obvious talent. Now all the sudden I say I ❤ Halsey and everyone’s coming out of the woodwork. I guess that’s the power of Halsey. Now I know what the Chainsmokers feel like. Outshined by a gal from Jersey. So if you’ve stumbled upon my rarely-viewed blog because I tweeted about Halsey, WELCOME. I am here to entertain and make you laugh and if you don’t think I’m funny then get the hell out of here because I only like to interact with people who pump my tires like my co-workers who all told me I kill it on Twitter. Shout out to them for perpetrating the biggest Twitter head I’ve ever had. Also today’s my half birthday and my Venmo is open for monetary gifts to celebrate the occasion of being 6 months closer to the impending doom of thirty. That may seem abrupt and unrelated, but if you peep my tweet about it from last year below: you’ll see that I brought it full circle by pointing out yet another funny tweet that has one measly like. And also, I still genuinely don’t know how old I am. PLUS I’m trying to capitalize on my new following. So I’m not THAT dumb.

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Music, Playlist

Summer Palooza 2k10

Let’s dial it back to the summer of 2010 when I was a mere infant at the beginning of her college career (sigh), with an actual 3 month break from school for a bullshit job and fun in the sun. Those were the dayz. Let’s also laugh at the songs that my sister and I thought were the shit that year.

1. Summer Sunshine- The Corrs. This was an original summer palooza tradition, beginning with this song and ending with White Houses (of course.) After a while we phased out The Corrs and kept Vanessa but I could still probably listen to this song on repeat. It was also a staple AIM profile addition…for example In the heat of the summer sunshine, I miss you like nobody else ☀ or ….xx…To sweet beginnings and bitter endings…xx… (for 8th grade graduation probly)

2. Misery- Maroon 5. Maroon 5 used to be full of bangers and I distinctly remember making this my ringtone at one point on my maroon (no coincidence) colored enV2. Could I have been cooler than answering a call-most likely from my mother-to the tune of Adam Levine wah-wahing? Probably not.

3. Magic- B.o.B ft. Rivers Cuomo. This tune got a quick revival via Pitch Perfect and the Treblemakers but it’s still fire flames. Pair a rapper (that we pretty much never heard from again) with the hipster lead singer of Weezer and you’ve got MAGIC.

4. All I Do Is Win- DJ Khaled (feat. T-Pain, Ludacris, Snoop Dogg & Rick Ross). This was probably the first rap song that I really NAILED, Emma Stone lip sync style. I can still impressively spit Luda’s verse. #StreetCred Also DJ Khaled’s got CONNECTS bringing this star powered posse together on one song.

5. Letting Go- Sean Kingston Ft. Nicki Minaj. Want to really annoy the shit out of your friends? Play the first 5 seconds of this song on repeat. My friend did that to me once while I was driving and I almost murdered him right there in my vehicle. I could probably go the rest of my life without hearing HEYO SEAN, YO MISTA KINGSTON ever again. BUT how gr8 is Sean Kingston that adorable Jamaican chubster?

6. Summer Town-Third Eye Blind. Obligatory, if you are a band and release a song with a summer theme, you land a spot on the palooza. Also I’m a sneaky 3EB fan. I’ve seen them twice in concert, I should probably add that I paid no more than 15 dollars to see them either time. Anyway, this is more of a chill by the bonfire flavor.

7. Love the Way You Lie- Eminem (Ft. Rihanna). This song is some heavy shit and obviously every time I hear it I suddenly turn into a rage-filled white rapper who throws her hands around like a G. No regrets. I distinctly remember this music video because it had Megan Fox in it and she got the shit beaten out of her aaand then her house was set on fire NBD. This came out right after Chris Brown cold-cocked Rihanna, which made it even more intense. I felt like that was a necessary sentence to type because I’d like to remind everyone that Chris Brown is a terrible human and kind of skated away from that whole domestic violence thing. Catchiest lyric goes to: Now you get to watch her leave out the window, guess that’s why they call it window PANE.

8. Mine- Taylor Swift. This is a top T Swizzle song for me because it’s just adorbz. Girl meets boy, girl has commitment issues, boy is like I’ll never leave you, and they live happily ever after. Isn’t love supes easy breezy?

9. Beautiful Monster- Ne-Yo. I think this was a desperate add-on. Clearly we were searching for songs here. Anyway, CLUB BEAT$ from ya boy Ne-Yo here where he compares a woman to monster…but she’s beautiful. What a wordsmith.

10. Dynamite- Taio Cruz. This song made repeating every word you say totally ok, ok, ok, ok. It IS a feel good jam about just having a fabulous night, which I can always support, support, support, support.

11. Undo It- Carrie Underwood. Carrie is Queen of revenge breakup songs, which is odd considering she’s been in a really healthy relationship for like her whole career. But I digress, bitch wants to undo the relationship, which is like the biggest diss. Bye Felicia.

12. I Like It- Enrique Iglesias ft. Pitbull. Ah another club beat except where Dynamite was all about good clean fun, this song is about cheating on your significant other on the weekends. Your boyfriend’s out of town so he doesn’t even have to know, lawls, please let me penetrate you under the strobe light with sweaty bodies surrounding us. Oh, Enrique how far you fallen from Hero—I blame Pitbull’s influence. OBVIOUSLY. DALÉ.

13. King of Anything- Sara Bareilles. Sara consistently puts out fresh music that’s light and bubbly. Clap it up for girl power!

14. Club Can’t Handle Me- David Guetta Ft. Flo Rida. When you go so hard that the club can’t even handle you, what are you even supposed to do? This song came out when I was under 21 but could still get into the 18 + club at school called Hatters (red flag) and I distinctly remember this being a full-on fist pump song. Therefore when you listen to it, you MUST build the beat.

15. Our Kind Of Love- Lady Antebellum. 2K10 was a light year for country lovin from my sis and I but Lady A was just starting to make some noise after Need You Now, the official drunk dial song. This one’s a little slow but maybe it’s time to slow it down after almost fist pumping yourself to death.

16. Cooler Than Me- Mike Posner. Remember this one hit wonder? Mike used to record music in his beat laboratory at Duke before he hit it big with this song, which is catchy AF. Also now that I’ve googled him and seen that he wrote a buttload of #1 hits for other singers including Sugar for Maroon 5 and Boyfriend for Biebs, I feel really bad for calling him a one hit wonder. Keep up the good work, Mikey!

17. White Houses- Vanessa Carlton. The minute you hear those piano keys, you know that the palooza has ended. Sorry guys…It’s all too sweet to last.

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Music, Television

CMT Music Awards Recap

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Well guys, it’s here. Country season has arrived. It’s finally an OK time to listen to songs about sunshine and trucks and partying outside and feel good about it instead of trudging through snow and hating every single person in the south. Country season is short-lived in the Northeast but it’s pretty glorious. And there’s no better way to kick it off than with me sitting in my bed for 3 hours with my laptop on my chest watching a ratchet livestream of a bunch of cool as shit country performances happening in Nashville, where I am not. But whatevs, TAN LINES. JOHN DEERE. MURICA. LET’S DO THIS.

(It’s rare that you hear me say this, but for the record this was an overall entertaining show. Props to CMT.)

Highs

-Lady A kicks off the night with “Long Stretch of Love”, including a mid-song interlude into the land of EDM as Zedd drops some knowledge from his beat laboratory. It was entertaining at best to see the country stars at a loss for what to do with their hands for this breakdown while all the fans moshed. ALSO Hillary looked like a smokeshow slutty Sandra Dee with leather leggings, jacket and hot pink pumps. Sexy, Can I? Real talk though HOW do country singers stomp (literally stomp their feet) all over a stage in stilettos. Get back to me on that.

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-I love a good blurring of fiction and real world, which always comes with an appearance of cast members from Nashville. Deacon and Will Lexington introduce Reba and hawk Season 4…where Will teases “Some of us are coming back…good luck pal.” YEAH RIGHT, GUYS A REALLY SMART BLOGGER ALREADY PREDICTED DEACON’S COMING BACK NEXT SEASON, SO HA.

-I can ALWAYS get down with the camera panning to someone who flubs the lyrics. Last night’s most memorable was Jason Aldean’s girlfriend/mistress/wife(?) getting an audience shot during his performance and singing the wrong words. I relish in these moments. It’s the little things.

-The jockey that rode American Pharoah into history at the Belmont last weekend gets an appearance just cause and introduces Ron White. The three words he’s allowed to say into the mic are pretty incoherent but this was already hilarious because they put a baby jockey next to Erin Andrews and the height difference was glorious. Love wittle cute jockeys.

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-The boyz of FGL have been somewhat listening to me. Blazers, man. So classy. I like what I’m seeing (until the whoutfit performance…see below. HAD to ruin it.)

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-Kristen Bell gets a few cameos, bits about advice from last year’s host and such and these are funnier than anything she ever did as a host, and I’ve come to the conclusion that hosting forces jokes and over the top bits that make people unfunny. Epiphany. Watch here

-LUKE.BRYAN.IS.BACK. Look, I understand that as an artist, Luke wanted to show his range and put out a few snoozers that were really deep and not just about girls shaking their asses and I was patient. I waited for Luke to release a new banger that would guarantee a gyrating performance. And it paid OFF. He performed new song Kick the Dust Up which allowed for full hip movement. We’re going to momentarily forget that he was wearing a stupid shirt with red leather shoulder pads because there was shaking, there was a baseball cap and every time there’s a baseball cap it gets flipped backward halfway through the performance when cocky Luke comes out to play. I guess you could say my friend Lindsey and I enjoyed it…

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-Lady A wins for their Bartender music video which included Kate Upton and Charles immediately announces, “You have to put Kate Upton in a video to win!” in very typical guy fashion. #Tits #Merica Hillary tries to prevent a PR snafu and is like um no that’s not true…but realistically it probably is and this awkward moment was pretty gr8.

-Jake Owen debuts new song “Real Life” and his super hot short hair for the first time in a while and I’m loving it. Anyone who rides up to the stage on a bed gets my support. Drool. The chicks doing high kicks on inflatable pizza slices, however, can see themselves out. That is NOT real life.

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-In other awksies moments, Nikki Reed presents award for Male Video and reads a very scripted joke off of the teleprompter “It’s time to finally honor a forgotten minority…men.” Aaaaandd CRICKETS. The joke bombed so hard she was forced to nervously laugh at it herself. Someone got fired.

-The bit that seemed to work the best was a pre-recorded knock off of Uber with “Guuber” where celebrities drive other celebrities around Nashville. The idea’s pretty stupid but it played off of star power with Steven Tyler as a driver and of course, the punk who needs to be included in everything, Biebz. He and James Corden express their love for Luke Bryan and his sapphire eyes, which I can always get on board with plus a sing along to Country Girl Shake It For Me. Luke lapped that shit right up when he accepted the award for male video and declared welllll Bieber loves me soooo…

-Sam Hunt performs banger “House Party” (unfortunately still in that white tunic shirt) and realizes that his star power is his ability to make girls swoon and take selfies with them. Get it, Sam.

-Queen Carrie brings it with the outfit changes for “Little Toy Guns” performance. Flawwwwlezzzz.

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Lows

-The hosts Erin Andrews and Brittany Snow are mostly lame, as most hosts are and pretty awkward together. The bits that fell flat were Erin’s lesbian crush on Carrie Underwood and a small Pitch Perfect Nashville Bella’s performance in the beginning.

-It’s gotten to the point where I think every time Reba hits the stage she’s performing a medley of old songs like “Fancy”…turns out she’s actually making and performing new music and it all just sounds the same to me. Snoozes for Reba always. Sorry bout it.

-Apparently Whoutfits are the new cool thing of country music? What. This is not flattering at all. Knock it off.

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-Oh hey Billy Rae Cyrus, it’s so nice of you to drop in after getting a blowout to promote your new show and make me want to puke everywhere.

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-There’s a bit with Joe Dirt in it…is it 1997?

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-Joe Dirt very truthfully pointed out while introducing Keith Urban that he’s so close to a mullet why doesn’t he just do it? And I actually agree with this very trashy fictional character. Seriously Keith, your hair gets woofier every time I see it. Enough with the soccer mom cut. Grow it long for a dirty man bun or keep it boy length but either way this in between, almost mullet, almost “I drive a Dodge Caravan” style is reaaalllyyyy gonna need to go. (PS he performed a new song “John Cougar, John Deere, John 3:16″….COULD THAT TITLE BE LONGER?)

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-Arnold Schwarzenegger and Tom Arnold were on the show WAY too much. I don’t get the Arnold thing. His accent sucks and it isn’t funny. Plus did we all just forget that he banged his nanny and had a secret kid with her just because he’s the Terminator? Anyway, him in a cowboy hat spitting out incoherent sounds was downright painful.

-Mike Fisher (Carrie’s other half) is the Taylor Swift of crowd shots and he doesn’t even know it. For whatever reason, every country awards show, the camera is fixated on Mike in the audience half of the time and yet he doesn’t have reactions. Why are we watching him? Because he’s pretty…but also out of a group of drunk country boys I think we should be able to find someone more fascinating to take Tay’s place. Let’s work on that. Petition for Brett Eldredge to be his replacement?

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Full Winners List

Collaborative Video of the Year: Miranda Lambert & Carrie Underwood “Somethin Bad”

Breakthrough Video of the Year: Sam Hunt “Leave the Night On”

Duo Video of the Year: Florida Georgia Line “Dirt”

Female Video of the Year: Carrie Underwood “Something in the Water”

CMT Performance of the Year: Bob Seger & Jason Aldean “Turn the Page”

Group Video of the Year: Lady Antebellum “Bartender”

Male Video of the Year: Luke Bryan “Play it Again”

Best Video of the Year: Carrie Underwood “Something in the Water”

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Country, Television

American Country Countdown Awards Recap

Hey didn’t you guys know that if you’re a country fan you get 100 awards show per year? Well gr8 news, they just added this one into the mix. In it’s first year, broadcast on Fox, it’s an awards show based off of the country countdown that airs weekly via Kix Brooks. (I’m guessing this is a southern thing because I’ve honestly never heard this countdown once in my life). Anyway there’s no better time to air a trial-run awards show than when all the network shows are on break. The format of these awards is that they’re all fan-voted and have been solicited via the artists on twitter for weeks now asking for votes. Each award is announced with 5 “nominees” ranked by how many votes they got and the number one or the winner then performs and accepts the award post-performance. I tuned in (full disclosure: all to see Brett Eldredge perform and win) and decided to recap it because there were some great outfits and great performances…and of course some real bombs. As per usual, let’s take a peek at the highs and lows…but first, a few words about our hosts.

There’s no quicker way to make an awards show a train wreck than to have two country bros who strictly sing about getting high and drunk, host it all. Admittedly, I have been against FGL showing up at awards shows for as long as they’ve been disgracing fashion, country and men all over the world with their bedazzled vests that they consistently don’t wear shirts under. Don’t get me wrong, I love their music and it’s catchy AF but it’s a real struggle to watch these two live in action without cringing a whole lot. Exhibit A, BK and Ty enter the show and immediately strip off layers so that they’re just wearing wife beaters, setting the tone for a real fashionable hosting gig. Then they each proceed to use the word “brother” after every thing that they read from the prompter. (Sort of like the Hulk but a little less rapey.) Don’t worry though, they mention the open bar twice in their intro comments and with that they’ve welcomed you to what will henceforth be known as the White Trash Bash, official name change pending.

Highlights:

-Carrie Underwood starts the show off performing a medley of her greatest hits in a big blue ball gown. She’s wearing a power ring and belting out the high notes as the true hit-maker of country. Also they make sure to pan a camera to her hubby for any lyric that could be emotionally related to their baby.

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-Maddie & Tae present for the FGL win/performance and they crush the sparkly mini look and make the creepster Scotty McCreery wish he could get with them. Put that tongue away, Scotty, nice try.

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-Reba McEntire wins the very first Nash Icon award, Miranda Lambert & Kelly Clarkson perform a tribute for her but since she ain’t dead, Reba hops right in on the action and the three of them perform “Fancy”. Although I’m not a Reba fan at all, the entire crowd was real into this performance, it was well done and fun to watch the joint bumpin. Miranda looked like a smoke for this performance (she had to make up for her earlier outfit…see “nightmares” list below)

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-Brett “Sex” Eldredge wins Song of the Year with “Beat of the Music” and performs it wearing an eggplant colored polka dot button down, top buttons undone much like myself when he took the stage. He is literally perfect. So it’s whatevs.

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-Speaking of hot men…Chase Rice–where have you been all my life?

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-Although Kip Moore won the Breakthrough Artist of the Year despite the fact that he’s broken through and has been an established country singer for about 3 years now…I let it slide because he played “Hey Pretty Girl” (also an old song..but I digress) and they showed Carrie’s other half singing along real passionately and it was pretty adorbs. Even Carrie looked at him and was like aw that’s cute. (I’m assuming.)

-Lady A performs “Freestyle” plus a little bit of “Bartender” in front of the OPEN BAR, BROTHER. I digged it. These three always deliver the goods.

Nightmares:

-Luke Bryan wins Male Vocalist and performs “Roller Coaster.” I’ve had ENOUGH. The next time Luke performs a slow song at an awards show without a backwards hat and suggestive gyrating dance moves I’m going to be forced to turn the TV off. I will not support this for one more second. Get it together, Luke. On a more serious side, (and this belongs on the highlights list) after he accepted the award he gave a heartfelt thank you to the fans and all of his fellow country music stars for supporting him through another family loss a week or so ago and it got teary in here for a moment.

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-FGL takes the stage to perform “Sun Daze” and Mullet is wearing a full camo outfit (cutoff obviously & cargo shorts), a camoutfit if you will, paired with red kicks. BK is wearing SWEATPANTS and a wife beater. SWEAT. PANTS. Thanks for dressing up for the occasion, boys.

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-And along the same lines as super yucky outfits, Miranda performs a new song “Platinum” wearing a tacky sparkle slouch neck and knee length, acid washed, jean skirt. The song doesn’t do it for me but also I sincerely hope that no one expected me to focus on anything other than that abomination of a skirt. (She got the memo and pulled that shit together real quick for Reba’s performance.)

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-Miss America or as we all know her, the girl that won a pageant by stealing the “Cups” scene from a movie that’s two years old, presented an award. Also FGL couldn’t pronounce her name. Shocking turn of events.

-Hunter Hayes is out past his curfew to present Album of the Year (Eric Church wins). Side Note: I’ve officially never seen Erich Church’s eyes because they’re always secured behind a pair of aviators because the sun never sets on cool?

-FGL swiftly ruins Christmas, or turns it into a holiday that Eddie from Christmas Vacation would attend, when they each turn Santa’s suit into cutoffs and make creepy sexual innuendos about his “sack”(camo of course). I wanted to set myself on fire.

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-Vince Vaughn fulfills the quota of person who absolutely doesn’t belong at this awards show. He’s apparently bros with Kenny Chesney & presents the Groundbreaker award to Ken-dawgs.

-There is no music to cut off the “thank you” speeches and it is sorely missed. Ramble city, population: everyone.

And there you have it. I would call it an all around successful awards show with equal parts highlights and nightmares. Until next time…I leave you with this.

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