Pop Culture, Television

Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show 2016

YAASS YAAASSS more, more, more beautiful young people strutting their T&A all over my TV. But seriously, last night marks the annual outpouring of girls on twitter crying that they don’t have VS angel bodies, while also snapping pics of the pizza box next to them. This year, instead of doing the same, I came full circle through my stages of grief and landed on acceptance. I accept that I will never have a model body and that I went out for beers and fried pickles last night instead of going to the gym AND I FEEL GR8 ABOUT IT. I also now really want a pair of over the knee suede boots. So thank you, Victoria’s Secret. We’ve come a long way. Also here are five things that made me laugh in the one hour that I watched half naked biddies strut.

1. DOG purses featured in a FASHION show with LINGERIE. 

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Hey girrrrrls, you know what’s super sexy? Doing a cute little shimmy in your sheer teddy for your boyfriend then grabbing something out of your purse shaped like a dog. Why is Pink allowed in the same show that features girls letting us inspect their labia on the runway, essentially? It must end.

2. What replaces wings?

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Still not as good as last year’s literal firecrackers strapped to a model’s back, but getting stuck with the wheel of fortune ISN’T GREAT. Also, an actual dragon.

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3. Musicians + Models=Awkz.

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I cringe at this year after year and they still never learn. The musicians try so hard to interact with the models and they quite literally can’t comprehend what to do. It then results in some awkward stand-offs and weird hand clasps. Lady Gaga takes the cake this year when she charged at the model with the giant black wings like a bull and weirdly froze and stared at another one. I expected nothing less from her.

4. Bruno Mars is a grain of rice on the runway.

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Seriously, he’s wearing high heels and these models are still twice his size. I mean, I knew he was short but damn it was like a performance by the Borrowers. THAT FUR COAT ISN’T DISTRACTING US FROM YOU BEING THE ONLY GUY WHO CAN EASILY RUN UNDER AN ANGEL’S WINGS! 24K Magic still bangs though.

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5. Eat your heart out, Weeknd.

Bella Hadid makes her debut, gets a killer outfit instead of the typical first year “no one wanted to wear this” number and then struts that ass on by her ex-boyfriend who basically crawls up her buhhole as she passes. Sidebar: She also ate a banana in slow-mo this week in a porny 80’s aerobic video for Love Advent, so she’s really living her best life. (I know that because it was a headline on People…and also I watched it.) Anyway, Bella-you do you, girl. Maybe with a little more personality though? Just a friendly suggestion from one professional model to another.

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Bonus: This is what front row of a fashion show looks like.

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Double Bonus: GIGI ❤

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And last but not least, to all the ladiezZz who were boohooing into their ice cream last night. Take solace in the fact that Irina Shayk walked the runway preggers with Bradley Cooper’s baby, and still had a flatter stomach than I ever will. The end.

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Music, Red Carpet, Television

MTV VMA’s Red Carpet 2016

Every year when the back to college blues hit, MTV really hammers it home with the VMA’s. An annual reminder that I’m too old for this shit. I don’t know who half of the rappers and singers are that youths are listening to these days, and I’m forced to endure 3 hours of buhholes and Kanye “bro” West free speech–just so I don’t have Twitter FOMO. To make up for this full night of garbage TV, I’m going to judge red carpet outfits real hard.

WORST

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Red Carpet

Ariana may be nailing all the 90’s kewl kid trends these days with the off the shoulder and choker, but that hair and the way too long biz slacks are really buzzkilling it.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

I legitimately was shocked that Fat Joe was still alive. Joe Crack the Don is looking scary as ever in those pastel blue pants.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards, Arrivals, Madison Square Garden, New York, USA - 28 Aug 2016

What happened to our sweet little JoJo in boys suck graphic tees?

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Red Carpet

YIKES, Nick. Yikes.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

Remember when Cassie was in Step Up 2 the Streets? Lolz.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

This is the VMA’s, not the Met Ball Ansel

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

Naomi’s dress is an actual chair cover.

MTV Video Music Awards 2016

I would pay lots of money to see a chick wear these shoes downtown at the bars and watch her try to walk in them.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

We get it, Joe Jonas. You’re edgy now that you sing about sex. The leather overalls are just unnecessary though. Loveralls.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

I guess MTV awards is the exact place to make this statement since they made Nev famous but like also no one knows who his girl is, so this kind of defeats the purpose of going balls to the wall and showing up to a red carpet topless and about to deliver any second.

BEST

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

Don’t understand a damn thing this bro sings/raps/whatevers but this jacket is fire.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

It took me a minute to get used to this but I’m down now. It’s fun and her nips are covered, which is hard to find on the VMA’s red carpet.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

HASHTAG FINAL FIVEEEEEE. But seriously they all look adorbs and age approps.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Red Carpet

Could’ve done without the slicked hair but Heidi looks like she’s a supermodel or something in this mini.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

All the respect for Alicia Keys rolling through with no makeup (and still looking better than me with a full face of makeup) as well as using her actual bomb ass singing voice onstage, amidst a show full of shitty lip syncers. Real recognizes real.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

Major key: Khaled makes the best dressed solely because he’s not wearing slides with another one printed on them. (read: my standards are rock bottom)

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

I never thought this day would come, but Nicki actually looks good and her buhhole isn’t hanging out.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

Brit looks okay, this jabroni with the open velour shirt can kick rocks right out of here though.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

I’m woman enough to admit when Kimmy K looks good and bitch looks good here.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

Yeah, Nick get IT with that chevron!

2016 MTV Video Music Awards, Arrivals, Madison Square Garden, New York, USA - 28 Aug 2016

Giving a lot of bro love today for their fresh patterned jackets.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Red Carpet

If we’re being honest I think Blue’s outfit crushes Beyonce’s but IT’S NOT A COMPETITION, GUYS.

And since I refuse to dedicate a whole blog to recap here are my tidbits:

-Was there a host? If the host was supposed to be Key & Peele, they clearly have no gauge on when to ditch a bit that was drowning from the beginning.

-The VMA’s should just come out and advertise as the Lip Sync Awards because it’s actually embarrassing how many dance medleys happened with no effort at all to appear like they’re singing. (COUGH COUGH BRITNEY & RIRI)

-Rihanna may have been awarded with the video vanguard (and “performed” too many times to count) but Beyonce was the real winner of last night with her Lemonade medley that brought white girls to their knees.The only thing that could’ve made it better was Jay onstage feeling Queen B’s fur coat wrath.

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-Halsey and the Chainsmokers guy are definitely banging, also they ruined my new fave song of the summer by showing us what their live voices sound like.

-Rihanna could not care less that Drake is so obsessed with her. Seriously, he was like I’ve been in love with you since birth and she was like thanks for the speech, bro.

And lastly, HASHTAG ART.

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Even though you couldn’t physically see my face when I watched this video, pls know that my eyes rolled directly out of my head and down the block.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

1. I missed the Critics Choice Awards last night. That’s on me. And reading about it is giving me FOMO because apparently any awards show that I DON’T watch is when things happen: Michael Strahan hosted and did a Magic Mike routine, John Kraskinski & Emily Blunt were cute as shit and Kevin-Silver Fox-Costner won a lifetime award. Whatever. Here’s the worst looks:

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And the best looks:

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2A. Even though I did a full recap and fashion blog on the Globes, there were some worthy next day shots of after party outfits that deserved to be addressed. (Mainly I can’t go without giving props to my girl Tay.) Here are some of my fave outfits for people who were cool enough to party but not enough to attend the awards.

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To be clear, Taylor is the best dressed here.

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2B. While we’re on the topic of Jennifer Aniston, let’s discuss another tidbit to come after the Globes. Remember when Billy Bob Thornton accepted his Golden Globe for Fargo and basically said everything he says gets him in trouble so he’ll just say thank you? Apparently Billy didn’t apply this rule to his post-Globes interviews. When asked to play Would You Rather with Jen Aniston or Reese Witherspoon, Billy revealed it’s his life goal to take Jen to poundtown. No word on if he would also like to exchange vials of blood with her but I’ll be happy to keep you posted on the matter. (Shoutout to Den for the goss. tip)

3. Kelly Clarkson came out of what I can only assume was retirement (it’s been a while) and released Heartbeat Song, which is a great jam so get groovin to it this weekend. Also her bowling ball head child named after a body of water produced it or something.

4. Idina Menzel will be singing Let it Go The National Anthem at the Superbowl. You know what would be REALLY patriotic? If I could go five minutes without getting the song Let it Go stuck in my head. America has ruined winter, Idina Menzel and everything snowman related with that damn song and I just want to live my life Let it Go free. If there are ANY superbowl promos that play this song when announcing her singing the national anthem I will LITERALLY chop both of my ears off because I will no longer be needing them in this Let it Go world. If we’re being honest I’m actually surprised there aren’t more ear cutting incidents with parents of small children who probably play this song/movie on repeat. End rant. (Just so we’re clear just typing the song title that many times ensured that the song is in my head for the rest of the day). Also John Legend will be singing America the Beautiful and this I can stand behind wholeheartedly. John has the voice of an angel and I will approve of him serenading forever and ever.

5. Mariah Carey is banished to Vegas. Not a minute too soon really….Just kidding, she should’ve been shipped to Vegas for her show girl act roughly circa 2001. Props to her for trying to stay relevant for as long as she did. I’m gonna go ahead and assume her abomination of All I Want For Christmas Is You at the NYC tree lighting this year pretty much sealed the deal. If you’re looking for the revival of butterflies and rhinestone frocks, be sure to pre-order your tickets now to see her Vegas act at Caesar’s Palace (side note: do you think the real Caesar lived there? Asking for a friend. You’re welcome for bringing back a 5 year old movie quote.) Also in other sad sap Mariah Carey news her baby husband Nick Cannon has filed for divorce. YIKES. Getting the D bomb AND the Vegas act all in one week. #ThoughtsandPrayers

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Announced on Ellen, dressed in THAT.

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