JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/11/17

1. Fergie & Josh Head to Splitsville. After 8 years of marriage Fergie Ferg and Tad Hamilton are breaking up because WHY WERE THEY EVEN TOGETHER IN THE FIRST PLACE? Seriously. These weird ass Hollywood couples that pop out kids and sneak under the radar for far too long before breaking up always baffle me. Fergie used to wear Timberland heels, gold nameplated hoops & shiny track suits while she writhed around onstage with 3 other black guys rapping at her. Josh Duhamel is a rom com heartthrob. Yeah, ok. Sources say they were just “too different.”

really

That being said, London Bridge was my JAM back in the day. Grey Goose got the girl feeelin loooooose. (at the time of this release it was more like St. Bart’s got the girl throwing up, but whatevs, we can pretend.)

In super boring and dumb news that no one cares about, my boyfriend, who has spent the last 6+ months trying and failing at scooping me on celebrity gossip FINALLY got a W with this one. I guess it was about time, but like it doesn’t make me any less irritated about getting scoooooped. He’s handling it really well. If by well we mean bragging about it until the end of time.

2. Selena Gets A Kidney.

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I’m very aware some of my fans had noticed I was laying low for part of the summer and questioning why I wasn’t promoting my new music, which I was extremely proud of. So I found out I needed to get a kidney transplant due to my Lupus and was recovering. It was what I needed to do for my overall health. I honestly look forward to sharing with you, soon my journey through these past several months as I have always wanted to do with you. Until then I want to publicly thank my family and incredible team of doctors for everything they have done for me prior to and post-surgery. And finally, there aren’t words to describe how I can possibly thank my beautiful friend Francia Raisa. She gave me the ultimate gift and sacrifice by donating her kidney to me. I am incredibly blessed. I love you so much sis. Lupus continues to be very misunderstood but progress is being made. For more information regarding Lupus please go to the Lupus Research Alliance website: www.lupusresearch.org/ -by grace through faith

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I feel like Selena Gomez has some aggressive AF fans because any time she’s posting on social media it’s to defend herself because her fans have been up her bhole asking where she is. WELL GUESS WHAT. She’s been getting a kidney and stuff. EVERYONE COOL YOUR JETS. Not for nothing, but what a sly sneak back into the spotlight for Francia Raisa, star of Secret Life of the American Teenager. Not that I watched that show or anything (never missed an episode) but word on the street was that Francia played the slutty one of the high school who was preeettttyyy loose with her morals.

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Nothing cleans up a bad gurl image–on ABC Family–quite like sacrificing an organ for your friend. Claps all around. Hopefully Selena’s rabid fans have been satiated with this very personal update. More importantly, thank you for bringing memories of the greatest show ever created back into my life.

3. Behati Ate A Cheeseburger.

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ROUND 2…..

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So I guess this means Behati & Adam Levine are pregnant again although really with that picture and such a non-descript caption, it could also just mean she ate lunch that day and hadn’t taken a dump yet. Whatever. Here’s to another dumb name. Still bitter about Dusty Rose.

4. Yonce gets a headline about her lame dress.

beyonce-jayBeyonce and Jay-Z leave Rihanna's 3rd Annual Diamond Ball

I get that we’re all supposed to bow down to the Beyhive, but when she steps out to Rihanna’s magical ball in a $165 dress that’s hideous, I don’t think this is front page of People.com worthy. Snaps for her for getting her figure back post-twins ravaging her vagina (if she was actually preggers this time) but also, show it off with something nicer than this dress that peasants can buy to wear to their cousin’s fall wedding. COME AT ME, BEYHIVE. I’M ALL SORTS OF FIRED UP AND I AIN’T SCURRED.

5. Love Always, Mandy.

*EXCLUSIVE* Mandy Moore takes some family members to Caffe Luxxe

Mandy sneaky got engaged to Taylor Goldsmith, lead singer of Dawes this week and was inconsiderate by not posting a picture of the ring for us all to judge. This is the best shot we’ve got and you can BARELY see it. Step it up, Mands. I expect a close up by next Friday’s JUice. ESPECIALLY with the amount of press you know she’ll be doing for This is Us, the *groundbreaking* show we never stop hearing about.

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Music, Playlist

#TBT- High School Dance Playlist

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I’d like to bring us all back to a magical time when the girls were taller than the boys, the hip hop was full of dirty references that sailed over our heads and grinding at a school dance was prohibited, but we did it anyway. Ah yes, the fast and loose days of middle school/high school dances, where boys become squeakier awkward boys who are unsure of hand placement and girls become rap video hoes. Here’s a playlist of the best high school dance jams of the mid-2000’s that we can now listen to while we drink alcohol, legally.

DISCLAIMER: NSFW, Includes inapprops songs & lyrics

Fun fact: My high school made national news for our “lewd and suggestive dancing” AKA grinding while I was there and it got to the point where they distributed bracelets at dances and after three strikes of getting caught writhing your bodies together, bracelets were snipped and teens were tossed. Keep that in mind as you listen to this playlist. (Also fellow FM’ers relive the article here.)

1. Golddigger-Kanye West Ft. Jamie Foxx. Hey remember when Kanye was young and unknown and had that cute little chubby face and adorbs smile? WHUT HAPPENED. This song is a classic hate on yo bitches song. She pops out a few kids and now she’s getting a weekly check from her baby daddy? UH UH, HONEY.

Best Lyric: She was supposed to buy your shorty TYCO with your money
She went to the doctor got lypo with your money
She walking around looking like Michael with your money
(MAY HE R.I.P)
Should’ve got that insured got GEICO for your money, money, money

2. Shake Ya Tailfeather-Nelly Ft. Murphy Lee & P. Diddy. The only time I would hear cop sirens at a dance is when this beat started spinning. Nelly and the Bad Boyz told me to shake my ass around in a nice bird comparison and suddenly it was classy and cool instead of inapprops. When they rapped about collecting so much grass Popo thinking they mow lawns, I actually thought they were in the landscaping biz. I wisened up around sophomore year.

Best Lyric: Is that your ass or your momma have reindeer? I STILL DON’T KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.

3. Promiscuous- Nelly Furtado Ft. Timbaland. No shame, this song is still 100% my jam. My gurl Nelly going from singing folk songs about being like a bird to telling Timbaland to listen up if he wants to get laid and I respect the hell outta her hustle.

Best Lyric:  I’m out of this world come with me to my planet. Get you on my level do you think that you can handle it? No Nelly, no I cannot.

4. Lean Back- Fat Joe. JOE CRACK THE DON UH. This song was one of the first that created a dance that white chicks looked real stupid doing. Please picture a group of 12 year olds standing in a circle wearing the same ribbed tanks and flared jeans all simultaneously leaning back. That’s hood right there.

Best Lyric: Listen we don’t pay admission, And bouncers don’t check us, And we walk around the metal detectors. And there really ain’t no need for a VIP section in the middle of the dance floor, Reckless, check it, said it?! That’s totally how me and my bitches would roll at the dances too, VIP for days.

5. London Bridge (Oh Shit)- Fergie. Fergie Ferg split from the Black Eyed Peas and set out to show everyone she’s still a baddddd bitchhh. She has a real knack for taking a precious children’s song and making it into a slutty anthem about dropping dem drawers. Confession time, I went to a Black Eyed Peas concert (free tix) at the same time that Fergz released this song and saw her perform it live and writhe around on stage and it was SO WORTH IT.

Best Lyric: That Grey Goose got your girl feelin loose. Now Im wishin that I didn’t wear these shoes. Story of my life, amirite ladies?

6. Mesmerize- Ja Rule Ft. Ashanti. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, I would like to live in a world where Ja & Ashanti still churn out back to back fire hip-hop jams with disgusting sexual innuendos. These two were a dynamic duo and unfortunately Ja Rule had to go and get himself locked up and that pretty much ceased all MTV hip hop jams. I understand that this is more of a slow jam, but I could not in good conscience make a throwback mix without these two musical geniuses. I mean, they recreated Grease for their music video…THAT body suit.

jaruleashanti

Best Lyric: Now you street promotin the dick game is potent Cause in the bed a n**** go hard like Jordan. Ja certainly didn’t have confidence issues in the bedroom. Runner Up: I’ve got a fetish for f****ing you with your skirt on. Yes.

7. Tipsy- J-Kwon. I sincerely apologize that this isn’t the version that starts out with our boy J-Kwon lecturing that teen drinking is very bad before he declares he has a fake ID though. What a BAMF. Was this the song that started the phase of saying Errebody instead of Everybody? I hope so. Do I still use it every once and a while? Yes I do. Sue me. This is the first song (but certainly not the last) I added to this playlist where I read the lyrics and was shocked at how disgusting they were because I clearly didn’t know them in middle school.

Best Lyric: Dude I don’t care I’m a P.I.M.P. Seriously another thing I still say. I think the moral of the story here is that I need new material.

8. Hollaback Girl- Gwen Stefani. Punk rock girl goes rapper/badass?! Sign me up. It married my love for emo punk music and my love for spelling the word bananas. I distinctly remember this song being released before the 8th grade trip to Cleveland and the few lucky ones that had the very first iPod loaded that shit up for the bus ride there. There was a lot of headphone sharing and lapsitting (13 year old hormones) and they probably also played it on our shitty 8th grade dance cruise on some body of water in Ohio. What a killer trip.

Best Lyric: OBVIOUSLY Let me hear you say this shit is bananas B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

9. Milkshake-Kelis. Ah the best kind of hip-hop song is about food with sexual meanings. I grew up thinking a milkshake was a nice cold beverage usually with chocolate flavor. Kelis stomped that out of my brain real quick with this song. Milkshake is now the goods, and it BRINGS DEM BOYZ. My mom recently got this song title during Christmas game night as a song that she had to hum and get us to guess…there was drinking involved and she just kept shouting GIRLS ALL AROUND to the tune of Milkshake and no one guessed it. Apparently we have very different memories of this song. Regardless my point being that even moms can get down with this sick beat.

Best Lyric: La la-la la la, Warm it up. Lala-lalala, The boys are waiting (Not a lot of substance here, Kelis.)

10. Hey Ya-Outkast. Ah another cool song that created a movement of white girls trying to learn a music video dance move. The “Shake it like a Polaroid picture” spastic motion. It was COOL, guys. No but actually Outkast WAS awesome. They could sing the stupidest lyrics and it would be legit. (Ex: Roses really smell like poo.) Anyway they made talking in a song sound smooth even though I hate it in every other song. I’ve never wanted to lend sugar to my neighbor more.

Best Lyric: Don’t want to meet your momma, just want to make you cum-a. Seriously, moms and cumming in the same sentence, Bravo sir, Bravo.

11. Yeah!- Usher Ft. Lil Jon & Ludacris. This song was a straight up dance staple. I think they played it at every dance I went to from 7th grade to 12th grade and if they ever play it in a bar I’m in it’s a surefire way to get me to do the Q-tip. Just kidding, I dance better than that. Sort of. I’m pretty proud of this song because it was the first one where I memorized an entire rapper’s cameo word for word. Luda was my boy and mostly because he rapped slow enough and enunciated so that I could keep up. He was the Drake while Drake was still Jimmy in a wheelchair at Degrassi High. That said, his entire verse in this song is still the best thing I’ve ever heard. He wins best lyric, but if I have to pick just one…

Best (Most repeatable) Lyric: We want a lady in the street but a freak in the bed. Life goals.

12. We Be Burnin- Sean Paul. Mostly put this on so that I can remind everyone of this Jamaican accented man who put out the same song over and over and everyone still loved it so hard. He also referred to himself as Sean dah Paul. Not sure why. I learned a lot while looking through these lyrics, mostly that Sean dah Paul did not speak a lick of English. I pulled the one lyric that made the most sense to me…and that’s saying a lot.

Best Lyric: Cause the girls we be poking have to smoking. Note: Sean ain’t gonna poke ya unless you smoke, LADieZZ.

13. Overnight Celebrity-Twista. You know how Jason DeRulo claimed that he could make me famous on Instagram last year in “Wiggle”? I hate to break it to ya Jason, but Twista was the original talent scout. He didn’t have Instagram yet, but he could put you on the Soul Train Awards. Boom Roasted. Game over with me ever trying to rap along with this song. Seriously I think Twista is the fastest rapper ever. So much street cred though. Bonus points for the chick who sounds like a pterodactyl climaxing mid-song.

Best Lyric: Girl I see you, in them apple bottom jeans, Chinchilla on your back, I wanna know your name. YES. Apple. Bottom. Jeans. Wait Chinchilla? Ew.

14. Get Low- Lil Jon & The East Side Boyz. You always know it’s going to be a legit song when you’re dealing with Boyz with a Z. This song came on and all the horny and dirty little teenagers rubbed their hands together and got ready to scream “TIL THE SWEAT DRIPS DOWN MY BALLS” at the top of their lungs when the pre-approved Melvin of a DJ inevitably played the clean, over-edited version. I’m pretty sure the principal threatened to cut the song completely one night because we wouldn’t stop screaming about sweaty balls and skeet skeeting. I thank Lil Jon every day for that. I’m pretty sure this is where Jersey turnpiking also started.

Best Lyric: Lil Jon and the East side boys wit me and we all like to see ass and titties. Classic T&A. Also if we’re being honest this whole song is a best lyric. WHO comes up with that chorus?!

15. 1,2 Step-Ciara. Luckily for me I have a friend named Sierra and this song has NEVER died out. If your friendship blossoms around a time when your friend’s name is in a cool song that’s something you milk for the rest of their life. I don’t think she once entered a room in middle school without someone singing, “The Princess is here—–CIIIARRRRRAAAA.” Not a bad greeting, if you ask me. Missy Elliott may have helped out on this song but Ciara handled herself pretty well for a fresh chick to the scene. Also I just noticed this is probably the cleanest song on this playlist. You’re welcome, Adults.

Best Lyric: I eat fillet mignon, And I’m nice and young, Best believe I’m number one. Anyone who rhymes Filet Mignon wins all the awards. I miss Missy.

16. Hot in Herre- Nelly. NELLY and his DAMN piece of tape/bandaid under his eye. What a goon. I’m pretty sure most girls would dance to this by actually stripping off their zip up hoodie, so parents please feel comforted in the fact that your young daughters learned how to strip before they learned how to drive. It’s Nelly’s fault really. He condoned taking your clothes off when the temps rise. And boy did those gyms get WARM. (Side note: I had a real moral dilemma choosing between this song and Flap Your Wings because it was equally as defining a moment when Nelly taught us how to drop down and get our eagle on.)

Best Lyric: So take it off like your home alone, You know dance in front your mirror while your on the phone, Checkin your reflection and tellin your best friend, like “girl I think my butt gettin big” (To be clear I’ve never stared at myself naked while I’m on the phone with my friends.)

17. Lady Marmalade- Christina Aguilera, Pink, Mya, Lil Kim. Here’s the long overdue lady jam of the playlist. A bunch of divas get together and sing about getting banged in French, Moulin Rouge, style. Apparently they all hated each other but I don’t care because they tolerated each other long enough to make this song that I can wail along to with my Xtina hands in full motion. Also this is another great song that taught young girls how to act like prostitutes. Don’t get your panties all in a bunch though, adults because let’s all remember that today’s youth is listening to Nicki Minaj rap about her ladybits innaprops style while shaking her butthole on MTV. Jus sayin. We were golden compared to that.

Best Lyric: We drink wine with diamonds in the glass by the case the meaning of expensive taste. YEAH girls who get mistaken for whores drinking WINE=CLASSY.

18. In Da Club- 50 Cent. TECHNICALLY Candy Shop was more the time period of school dances for me, but In Da Club is 5000x better and will always be a classic, hope you’re cool with me picking it instead of licking 50’s lollipop. 50 Cent came out of no where and all anyone knew about him was that he got shot 9 times. What an air of mystery he had. This music video consists of him doing sit-ups upside down and bullet wounds or not, bro’s got like an 18-pack. Anyway, this one glorious song opened the door for dorky dads to say “Go shorty, it’s your birthday” for the rest of time.

Best Lyric: Been hit wit a few shells but I don’t walk wit a limp.- A few? NINE.

19. Don’t Cha- Pussycat Dolls Ft. Busta Rhymes. Ah, I bet you thought you would snake on through this playlist without PCD, but I HAD to. Yeah they’re a bunch of glorified strippers who were put together as a girl group with one actual talented singer, but THEY WERE THE VOICES OF OUR GENERATION. Just kidding. They popped out good dance jams and were obviously feminists. (Ex: Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?) True life, I never wanted anything more than I wanted a PCD hoodie with the cool words written over the top of the hood.

Best Lyric: Tryna put it on me till my balls black an blueish. Hey Busta, let’s cool it with the visuals for a second.

20. My Love- Justin Timberlake Ft. T.I. AHHHHHHH JT

Best Lyric: (Trust me) You don’t really wanna let the chance go by ’cause you ain’t been seen wit a man so fly. TRUTH. Who turns down JT? There is no flyer man.

Whether you listen to this playlist while you’re boozin or running, never forget that you once gyrated to each song in a dark gym or cafeteria with lame streamers hanging from the walls and the smell of sweaty teens wafting through the air. You’re welcome.

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Music, Pop Culture, Television

AMA’s Recap

WHY in the history of music awards shows the top picks for hosts are LL Cool J and Pitbull is easily the greatest mystery of the world. It’s no secret that my hate for Pitbull/Mr. Worldwide/ Mr. 305 is to the moon and back so I’m going to try my best to ignore his antics and focus on the other parts of the show. (Key word here is try…I make no promises).

The opening performance of the night is our very own Ms. Taylor Swift performing Blank Space for the first time live. You all probably think I’m going to bow down to whatever she does but I’m mature enough to admit that this performance was all sorts of wrong. It was essentially a live action version of the music video and it was way too much. The sound sucked and Taylor felt the need to out-crazy the video version of herself and it was just plain scary. There were special fx flames left and right and guys being poisoned by apples and I didn’t know where to look. Her over-acted expressive crazy eyes were all over the place and it was pretty terrifying. She ended the performance with a smirk and a new man coming through a prop door with roses. Way to stick the landing but certainly not her best performance.

Remember how I said that I wasn’t going to focus on Mr. 305? I lied. Sue me. Dale. Pitbull took his hosting time to remind us all that he is in fact Cuban/Latino and essentially turned the awards into a bilingual broadcast. He declared that when he speaks Spanish the ratings go up, which is interesting because nothing made me want to turn off my TV more. After every commercial break we were promptly reminded that he speak Spanish, he also educated us all on what an Instagram filter is. It’s a good thing he was around because the Awards clearly could not have functioned without him. We were also blessed with a performance from him and this included his latest song Fireball which has singlehandedly ruined my favorite drink. Thanks for nothing, Pitbull.

Best Moments:

-One Direction won a bunch of awards and group hugged every time and we all got to hear them say “massive, massive thank you” in their cutesicle accents. Their performance took place in a grassy field and there was lots of tingly eye contact with the camera.

-Ariana Grande performed a stripped down medley like a classy cabaret singer in a black lace dress.

-Selena Gomez performs “The Heart Wants What It Wants” for the first time and gives us all the feels. She looked amazing in a long champagne colored gown with her hair down in waves, the backdrop was super moody and got a little distracting at times (chunky crying mascara eyes). Her pre-song blabbering was part of the performance unfortunately, but there was a part where some realistic wings came into play and I actually thought she might fly off the stage. Was really banking on a buildup to a sob sesh at the end but her grand finale was just some wet eyes. BOOOOOO. Don’t worry though because Taylor supplied them in full. Girl was a one woman broadway act last night. I usually cherish her audience cam moments for some awkward dancing but tonight was over the top.

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-Speaking of Taylor stealing the show, she was awarded the first ever Dick Clark Award of Excellence, presented by Diana Ross who needed to be reminded that women don’t cover their face in blush anymore. We get to see a highlight reel of Tay’s general awesomeness and then she gets up to accept the award and kisses everyone in her posse (noticeably absent: Lena Dunham). Tay slobbers all over Diana Ross and how great she is and then talks directly to me when she thanks her fans for buying CD’s still. You’re welcome, T.

-The “Bang Bang” performance was pretty great and it’s a summer song that I can still get down with. Jessie J started out the song in the audience bopping around from celeb to celeb. She started with Khloe Kardashian who booty bumped her right on over to Tay’s crew, because of course. Jessie J learned quickly not to get down with Taylor Swift unless you want the spotlight ripped from your hands. Lorde tries to get in on it as well but we all shield our eyes. Then Ariana Grande takes it away onstage with a chair dance and a typical inapprops outfit & of course Nicki Minaj comes back out to play and is in her normal skanky uniform again. Joke’s over. They move back out to the audience to writhe around and it becomes clear that Nicki is above mingling with others.

 

Worst Moments:

-Charli XCX’s performance of “Boom Clap” which was straight out of every 90’s prom scene in the movies and quickly turned into her stripping into a latex outfit with a studded choker dancing around with some goth freaks and touching her boobs.

-Magic performs Rude, except it’s no longer summer and the song has lost it’s catchy appeal. Wyclef Jean joins them onstage and it is pretty much a stoner jam sesh. They take it to the audience and serenade a random girl who clearly doesn’t know what to do.

-Nicki Minaj performs a slower song wearing a floor length, long sleeve white gown trying to trick us all into thinking she’s an angel and not the disgusting hoe that showed us all her butthole during her Anaconda performance a mere few months ago at the VMA’s.

-Josh Duhamel introduces Fergie to perform “LA Love” and I’m reminded again how a perfect specimen like Josh married Fergalicious…and then made a kid with her. This song is offensively bad. I expected Harajuku girls to appear in the performance. It was so loud with so many colors and made my eyes hurt. At the end, Fergie strips a layer off and it gets stuck to her butt.

-JLo & Iggy’s “Booty” being the final performance of the night. Enough with the butts. So over it.

 

Things that made me question everything:

-Boy band Five Seconds of Summer performs a cover of What I Like About You. Is this even legal? Can a band perform a cover at an awards show like it’s karaoke night?

-During Iggy Azalea’s performance she was wearing a leotard, reenacting an 80’s exercise video and patted her vag far too many times for comfort.

-Lorde gives us a typical weirdo freak performance of her staring at the camera with dead witchy eyes and having an exorcism onstage and I was afraid. Taylor gets a lot of screen time dancing to her scary goth friend’s performance. She ends the song by smearing her black lipstick all over her face and Tay does her surprised face. I also had a surprised face at the fact that these two are friends.

-Lil Wayne has a quick performance with Christina Millian in red lingerie. Remember when she was irrelevant and the social media girl for The Voice? Christina provides some backup vocals and grinds all over Lil Wayne. Thanks for coming.

-Luke Bryan is there to present and not gyrate onstage. WHO SANCTIONED THIS? He also won an award and had lipstick on because he made out with his hot wife and stuck a dagger in my heart.

-Katy Perry wins an award and a Katy Perry robot, much like a hologram, accepts on her behalf via recording. If the robot ran out of battery and died mid-thank you I think it would’ve been less awkward than what actually happened.

-McDreamy being the first person to present an award. Was he lost? I’m confused.

-Iggy Azalea accepts an award wearing a frumpy business suit that I would expect a middle aged woman to wear with a pair of white sensible walking sneaks on the way to her cubicle for the day. She also had a huge crimped ponytail to sweeten the outfit.

-Garth Brooks with a satellite performance? Could this be more out of place?

-Every commercial break, Kohl’s had an extensive ad featuring children scream-singing Let It Go and I wished harmful things upon everyone involved in the making of this commercial and also Frozen.

-It is mind bottling that everyone is OBSESSED over scrutinizing the Harry Styles/Taylor Swift relationship or hatefest and yet there wasn’t ONE camera glance of either of their reactions to the other winning or performing. Do the producers of the AMA’s know what makes good TV? The answer is a hard no…because they chose Pitbull to host 2 years in a row.

 

Final thoughts- If you follow me on twitter (and you should) you know that for the past year or so I’ve been live tweeting every awards show regardless of how awesomely bad it is…exhibit A. This started about a year ago when my friend and I decided that our opinions were hilarious and important and vital to every awards show. Apparently our tradition has gotten a little out of hand because here is last night’s commentary from each of us without us being remotely anywhere near each other. We’ve morphed into one twitter awards show monster and you all should be frightened.

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Follow @LindseyReilly for all of your award show needs and all other things hilarious, cause she’s awesome. We will be tag teaming all awards season this year so please mentally prepare yourselves for those judgements to come.

Performances (that I could find):

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Music, Pop Culture, Red Carpet, Television

AMA’s Fashion

I expressed my excitement for the AMA’s today and both of my sisters asked me if I was 12. The answer is a hard yes. The AMA’s are maybe one step above the VMA’s in maturity level and I don’t even curr. Let’s judge how the tweens and young adult pop singers of this year dressed for such an event. Apparently if you didn’t have at least one full leg out to play, you were a nobody. I personally preferred the nobodies.

Worst Dressed:

zendaya

Zendaya wearing some satin sheets and a bandeau bikini top.

jordin sparks

Is stripper gold costume material back in style and I missed the memo? Jordin Sparks needed to step it up and show Jason DeRulo that she’s lookin like a dime.

heidi

More sparkles, more leg. Are we seeing a trend here? Leave the crops to the young’ns Heidi.

fergie

If the leg wasn’t so forceful I would actually like this dress.

charli-xcx-american-music-awards-2014-amas

Ok Morticia Adams, we get it, you have D cups. Charli XCX going nips out for the awards.

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Happy Thanksgiving, the turkey has arrived!

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This looks like a homemade dress for the sorority 80’s party, only thing missing is a scrunchie.

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Magic looking like they stumbled out of a thrift shop (I’d bet money that they did) smelling of incense.

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Imagine Dragons with a weird bib shirt, 60’s shades vibe. Hipsters, man.

jlo

Hey JLo, I know you invented the “booty” and all but you’re 45 and this is no longer an acceptable article of clothing to be wearing in public.

Best Dressed:

1d

One Direction with some leopard accents. YAS.

kate

Could do without the snake necklace on Kate Beckinsale but the dress is perfection.

mtrainor

Simple and classy, plus an obnoxious lips clutch for sass. Megan Trainor shows us you don’t need to have a slit up to your vagina to look good.

SELENA

Selena with the tight black dress and open back giving the Biebs a taste of what he’s missing.

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Becky G looking cute as a button with a sassy pony and approps party dress.

dianna agron

This dress is pretty stupid but I’m kinda digging on the crazy updo with the headband.

nicki

Nicki making my best dressed list because she is the most covered I have ever seen her and I encourage this wholeheartedly.

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I’m digging Rita Ora’s yellow ball gown a lot. There’s coverage and a nice change up of color.

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Lucy Hale with another classic short cocktail dress and simple hair/makeup look. Girl knows how to play the awards show game, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.

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I didn’t see a lot of nice men red carpet pics, so I’m including this for gender equality purposes. Nick Jonas with a real uncomfy pose but a nice dapper suit.

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Julianne Hough with a saucy summer number that I don’t hate. Get it, gurl.

Stay tuned for my full recap post-awards. I can give you a teaser right now that the awards are a straight up trainwreck and I should win something just for watching them in full. I do it all for my fans.

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