JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 1/1/2018

1. HE BACK.

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FRIDAY…

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📷 @ryanmcginleystudios

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I mean if you’re gonna do the Super Bowl halftime show ya gotta have fresh music not associated with a Pixar movie and that’s pretty obvious. I was waiting for the announcement and having it come with the New Year did not disappoint. Is this video really weird? Yeah. Did I think we were about to get like a folk album with the way he’s talking about becoming one with the earth and his roots? Absolutely. It didn’t matter though. All that mattered is we’re getting new music from JT and Pharell thinks it’s dope. Cut to today when we have our very first single and it is NOT what I was expecting. Total curveball to be like I went back to Tennessee to find myself and live in the woods like Manbearpig and then drop a futuristic video about robots set to a funky beat. HUH?

So we’ve got this Steve Jobs lookin JT and then we have a robot breaking it down for a bunch of Asians and simulating sex with hoochie dancers. WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH THE ROBOTS? First Tay with Ready for It and now you lay this shit on me, JT? Is this a sign? Is 2018 the year we get taken over by robots? No comprendo. I can get on board with the song. I can’t get on board with the robots. Case closed.

2. That’s not hot.

Paris Hilton got engaged and we can all fawn over how big that ring is because obviously why would she get anything smaller but like come on. It’s ridiculous. I’m personally not into the pear shaped diamond to begin with but whatever shape that came in, a ring that big looks like it was picked up at a goodwill store while shopping for gaudy costumes, not a 20 carat diamond that cost $2 million. It takes over her whole hand and couldn’t be any more obnoxious than this tweet:

3. Carrie Underwood is fine.

Carrie released a statement to her fans this week about an accident that she had in November when she like slid on ice or something at home. Apparently she has been in hiding since the incident (who knew…) and suffered a facial injury that required 40-50 stitches and she warned everyone that she might not look the same but she’s grateful to be ok. Naturally everyone on this planet (me) immediately started furiously searching for pictures of said mangled face, knowing that she was probably being dramatic and SERIOUSLY…SHE LOOKS EXACTLY THE SAME.

Unless there’s some mouth trauma going on causing that closed mouth smile, I cannot imagine how she could release a statement preparing her fans for like half of her face to be gone or something. We can all calm down now. Also, her legs were unharmed in this entire tragedy and that’s all that really matters.

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4. Hoda’s Time 2 Shine.

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Since that rat Matt Lauer left, ratings have gone up on the Today Show because every mom in America (including my own) switched back from GMA to enjoy a morning show not bogged down by a perv. There was a lot of kerfuffle about Matt Lauer not only sexually assualting all of the females but pushing out all of the male anchors so that his spot couldn’t be taken, which is fitting for his turd personality and therefore everyone was like OMG WHOSE GOING TO TAKE HIS SPOT?! Also please read this all with the most sarcasm in the world because I honestly forgot they were looking to replace Matt until the announcement was made this week but obviously mah gurl Hoda got the top spot and everyone is happy except for the sexist pigs of the world. Hoda’s fun and personable and cute and puts up with KLG hammered every day during the 10AM block so she deserves the hell out of this. Also don’t you dare sass about it on twitter cause Al “I pooped my pants in the white house” Roker will clap back at yo ass, BARB.

5. Bye 2017.

Look, you guys know when I’m searching for a 5th headline for the weekly JUice and I’m mailing it in. Let’s not tiptoe around it. I got nothin. So here’s a video of Cal from Timeflies covering the top songs of 2017 and getting rocked in the face with confetti by Rez.

And here’s a picture of my girl Demi stuntin that bod confidence. Why? Because you know how much I love her at the mo, and I’m just so proud of her progress. Just one friend believing in another. 2018 will be Demi’s year.

And that’s all I got for ya. Don’t forget the Golden Globes are this Sunday and everyone will be wearing black to royally F up my Red Carpet blog…or to make a statement about sexual assault in Hollywood, either one. Tune in so we can all trash it together on Monday.

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Red Carpet

CMA’s Red Carpet 2016

HEY YA’LL, let’s kick off 30 variations of country awards shows with “country” boys in tuxes that I want to lick and…wait what were we talking about? Oh right, ladies were at the CMA’s as well. I’m no Kaitlyn Bristowe cracking jokes and singing songs with the stars of the red carpet but I AM GOOD AT ONE THING and that’s passing fast judgements on fashion when I know nothing about it. Here are the winners and losers of Nashville last night.

WORST.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Little Kidman on the Prairie. Can’t she look kewl for Keith like at ONE country awards show? I mean come on, your huz is a rockstar and you’re wearing a floor length dusty pink gown buttoned up to your eyebrows.

Kacey Musgraves

I’m not completely boo’ing Kacey here. It’s more of a soft boo from the back of the crowd. Her makeup and hair are FIERCE and then she turns into a giant cupcake. I even like the color and material of the dress but like maybe don’t cover Nashville with it?

Easton Corbin

Easton Corbin’s a cutie but I can’t help but see a cater-waiter at a holiday party with this jacket. Or like, guest star on Suite Life of Zack and Cody. Choose your own adventure.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Horses fighting (or loving?) are covering Cassadee’s lady bits. Also never been a fan of the slicked hair. Kardashians can try to bring it back all they want but that’s what my hair looks like on Sunday night when I didn’t shower all day and that’s NOT photo-worthy.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - ArrivalsPls submit your best guesses for what is on his shirt.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Looks like she got lost in the forest and while running scared her dress got caught on tree branches and ripped. Forest run chic.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Did everyone know that this is Rob Schneider’s daughter? Elle’s dad is Deuce Bigalow. Mind blown. Anyway, these pants are the worst.

Dustin Lynch

I mean, Dustin Lynch lands on my worst dressed every year for his embroidered suits.

Maren Morris

Why so mad, Maren? (Cause she didn’t make my best dressed.)

Cam

THE COLORS. THE STUDS. THE FRINGE. MY EYES.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Sweet vagina flap, Jamie Lynn.

Wendi McLendon-Covey

An embroidered doily disaster.

Martina McBride

Did you ever see someone take a foil gum wrapper and tear pieces off from the wax paper then stick it to their five star during an especially boring 5th period science class? That’s what this dress looks like.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Wooferoni.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

The hip flower is really throwing this off.

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WHAT IS THIS HAIR?! This can only be described as caught in the rain hair. Did Tay know she was coming to the CMA’s or did she just drop in on her way to Target? Dress is bomb though.

BEST

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

I think like 90% of why I love this look is the mid-swish they captured Kelsea doing here. I love a good swish dress.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

I need to be alone with this photo.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

1. Jennifer Garner hasn’t aged one single day. 30 going on 13, amirite?! (That joke fell flat, I can already tell.) 2. Both ladies killed the classic and elegant red carpet look.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Changin the game with the only crop this year! Kaitlyn looks like a babe and makes me feel like a real asshole for skipping the gym for two nights in a row because I’m cold.

Canaan Smith

Since Brett Eldredge decided to go to the Cubs game instead of the CMA’s (wut3v3r) this is what I imagine he would wear. So thank you, long haired Brett. (Canaan Smith)

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

WHO are these new stud muffs on the scene? As my mom would say, their outfits are dope.

Jessie James Decker

JJD slays all day.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Chase Rice went for the classic black tux. Never fails.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - ArrivalsThe 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

I think I’m more down with the right half of the property bros look than the left half. Suh Fall.

Carrie Underwood

Could use a little more leg but no other complaints here.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Cole makes a baseball cap look suave with this leather lapel suit. (whispers: flip your hat backward.)

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

I call this look princess ballerina.

The 50th Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Not usually a fan of the basically black lip (except for my Halloween costume of 2015) but these outfits go together like Maddie & Tae. WINK.

Gabby Douglas

I said Gabby Douglas was so four years ago in my Halloween blog this week but she proves me wrong with this fun party number.

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Suck on it, Blake.

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I had a solo shot of Thomas Rhett to post but it didn’t feel right without his smokeshow of a wife, who literally all of his songs are about. Obviously they’re the most adorable.

I won’t be recapping the show because it’s 90% performances and I typically fall asleep during half of them (except for Luke, shout out to those thrusts though.) Instead I’ll leave you with the real MVP of the CMA’s. Unnamed sassy sax player. Beyonce who? Seriously I couldn’t focus on anyone but this whoutfit-clad, sparkly cowboy boot wearin, stank-steppin saxaphonist.

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The brightest star in the galaxy of Yeehaw’s.

The only thing that could steal his thunder was McConaughey un-ironically doing his Wolf of Wall Street chest pat.

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Ripped the spotlight right off that sax tootin’ angel without even trying that hard. May he rest in bedazzled cowboy peace.

And that’s all you need to know about the 50th CMA’s.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/4/16

I took two weeks of from JUicin (I realize how disgusting that verb sounds) because Hollywood was really boring me and I didn’t want to in turn, bore you. I’m thoughtful AF, what can I say. Hopefully this week’s updates are worthy. If they’re not, WUTEVER, I tried.

1. Idol is OVER. PSYCH!

Last night was the finale of American Idol and everyone was like wait that’s still on? But apparently it wasn’t really the finale because the creator said this week that it’ll be back and then when Ryan Seacrest had the phoniest “Goodbye America”, he tacked on “for now” at the end. Don’t do this to yourself, Idol. It’s like when 7th Heaven was like whoa 10 seasons is a lot…time to throw in the cap and then came back for an 11th and everyone was like no we’re done with you. Don’t get fanfare about leaving forever and then be like gotcha! We’re back! American Idol is dead. And while we’re at it I’m going to declare The Voice dead. Ooohh sue me. Singing competitions don’t accomplish anything but recently divorced coaches romancing each other and a bunch of people repeatedly being nicknamed after their plight in life. i.e. “Give it up for the once homeless David!” I didn’t expect to rant there but it happened and I’m glad everyone knows how I feel about singing competitions. Now for the good stuff. Kelly Clarkson’s bang piece medley, Carrie’s legs, and Brian Dunkelman getting a paycheck again. Good for you Dunks!

FOX's "American Idol" Finale For The Farewell Season - Show

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2. Anne Hathaway’s Baby.

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One of Hollywood’s most hated (for no reason, really) just popped out her baby and gave us all another reason to knock it off with all that hatefire. Her and hubby named him Jonathan Rosebanks Shulman. Since I often report on the dumbest names in Hollywood I thought it would be nice to commend Anne for this very classic and normal name.

3. The Little Mermaid LIVE. When I first saw that the Hollywood Bowl was doing The Little Mermaid Live I assumed it was a show that would then probably be taped and sold to a network. So when I saw that Sara Bareilles was Ariel I was like cool where the F is her long lucious red locks? And when I saw that Rebel Wilson would play Ursula I genuinely felt bad. I mean it can’t be a great thing to have someone be like, you know what, you would NAIL IT as Ursula.

ursula

Then I used my first grade reading skills to actually find out more about it, (I graduated college, nbd) I realized that they’re just playing the film on silent and doing the voices live. Which is SO MUCH WEIRDER. Who pays to see a movie with new voices? Also, John Stamos will be joining in. Because OF COURSE.

4. Gilmore Girls Gossip. Since everyone wouldn’t let it the F go that Melissa McCarthy wasn’t invited back to play Sookie on the Gilmore Girls reboot–which to be fair was really shitty of them and their classic cover-up of “she’s too busy” didn’t really cut it when Melissa was like yeah they never called–all is right again because Melissa will return to Stars Hollow after all. WHAT A SAVE.

Entertainment Weekly also dropped a little behind the scenes issue this week in which we learn that Rory is an English teacher (duh) and Luke and Lorelai are probs together if this photo of them holding hands is any indication. (Double duh) They didn’t really seem like the type of friends who thought handholding was casj.

roryteacherlukelorelaigilmorerebootGG

5. THA real LIP SYNC BATTLE.

No days of learning choreography, no fancy costumes or cross dressing, let’s get right back to the OG Lip Sync Battle where Jimmy channels his inner Zayn on the floor of the studio and Melissa eats a lot of leaves, rainwater and confetti while becoming one with nature and Pocohantas.

Bachelor Fans Bonus: OP Jr. has arrived.

onion

The woman that once rambled on about onion pomegranates, the Mesa Verde and asked worldly questions like “What are you? It doesn’t matter.” is now a mom. Let that sink in this weekend. Also Brooks is SUCH a TV name. Expect to see him on BIP in 20 years. (Because we all know it’ll never be cancelled.)

 

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Music, Television

Grammy’s 2016 Recap

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I’m not really sure when it was exactly that the Grammy’s turned into one giant tribute but it was so aggressive that I actually questioned if it was the Eagles playing their own songs or someone covering the Eagles in honor of Glenn. (Clearly I don’t know my classic rock bands.) They even tossed in a Lionel Richie tribute while he WATCHED front row. Hey…Lionel’s alive! And able to come onstage…let’s cool it with the memorial for his music. Anyway, here are the highs and lows of last night’s 5 hour situation.

NO:

-LL Cool J is the host and I forgot that he hosts every year and it’s the worst moment of my life realizing I have to watch that Kangol speak and probably say “knock ‘em out L, KNOCK EM OUTTTTTT.” At one point he tells everyone to hit him up on Instagram. Ok, L.

-Everyone in Taylor’s squad RSVP’ed “maybe”? The only one who showed up was Selena. What a lame turnout. Related side note: they really cut back on audience cams of Taylor dancing. What gives, CBS? (Thanks for pointing out this super embarrassing handshake of hers though…)

-Legitimate question, do you think Selena cried every time Tay won because she knows she’ll never win a Grammy with her garbage can pop hits and skanky vids? (Or was she just trying to fill the BFF and boyfriend void because apparently no one could make it?) Just wondering.

selenacrying

-Turns out I didn’t know any songs by Lionel Richie but seriously how nerve-wracking is that to perform his hits with him judging in the front row? Luke stuck out like a sore thumb trying his hand at easy listening (and NOT shaking his ass), and Lionel literally had to get up there and be like k, move aside dipshits, I got this.

lionel

-Gwen Stefani got paid a bajillion doll hairs by Target to do a “live music video” commercial where she used a lot of body doubles and didn’t fall down rollerskating SO WHAT’S THE FUN IN THAT?

notgwenstefani

-Hamilton the musical gets a sideshow performance from NYC. I hate to sound like an uncultured a-hole, but leave the musicals for the Tony’s. I’m not down with sneaking theater into the mix like I won’t even notice. I NOTICED.

-Gaga dresses like Bowie and lets spiders crawl over her face via green screen. YAY nightmares. (PS this is totes a performance dads would like, as in my dad, because he wouldn’t let me talk trash about Gaga during the SuperBowl and also he’s old and therefore liked David Bowie.)

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– A 12 year old plays the piano while Common and the old white guy who’s at every awards show bop along awkwardly. This could have been a metaphor for the entire evening.

-Biebz Part 2 with Skrillex & Diplo was roughsicles. I commend them for kicking things up a notch with a little percussion but pitch-wise it was terrible. Even worse? We didn’t get one reaction from Selena. I will personally hitch a camera on my shoulder and film the audience next year if that’s what it takes to create a little drama at the Grammys.

-Hey guys, Johnny Depp’s in a band now with Alice Cooper and they’re tearing it up old guy style with a lot of eyeliner. It was embarrassing and weird and I could’ve done without it. #WhenDadJokesTurnIntoDadBands

-Pitbull closes out the night with Sofia Vergara dancing as a boxed taxi and Robin Thicke trying REAL hard to make a comeback. Oh and Keith Richards played guitar. DALE?! (My next door neighbor’s 6th birthday party was car themed and everyone had to wear a box car and visor around his backyard all afternoon. What’s your excuse, Sofia?)

sofiataxi

 

YES:

-Taylor opened with “Out of the Woods” and the most entertaining part was when she strutted through the crowd (catwalk style, obviously) and no one knew what to do. Clap, guys. Applaud her jazz hand theatrics.

outofthewoods

announcertay

Ladies & Gentlemen, please welcome to the 1989 Stage…THE GRAMMYS!

-My dad may have created “Bye Felicia” but I have diamonds!!!!

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-Carrie Underwood threw a curveball and let her vag hang out onstage for a steamy performance with Sam Hunt.

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carrieLEGS

-Ariana Grande introduced the Weeknd and apparently thought she was auditioning for a one-woman variety show on Nick. No one laughed, which in turn, made me laugh a lot.

ariana

-Demi bringing down the house with a cover of Hello and the sexiest biz casj I ever did see.

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-Stevie Wonder’s sparkle shirt with camo jacket and NEON gym sneaks. I spent too much time while he sang with Pentatonix wondering if he was trolling us because no seeing person would purposefully dress themselves like that BUT THEN he bullied everyone for not being able to read Braille. WHAT A BUNCH OF IDIOTS WHO CAN SEE HAHA. YOU’RE ALL SUCKERS WHO HAVE EYES THAT FUNCTION. Keep doin you, Stevie.

-James Bay and Tori Kelly duet a mash up of “Hollow” and “Let it Go” and it’s buttery smooth. It would be kewl if I could hire them to sing me a lullaby every night before bed.

-Kendrick Lamar does a little ditty about black injustices complete with prison bars, shackles, & a large fire that scares all the white people in the crowd. It was probably the most entertaining thing of the night to see 0.0 white crowd reactions. (Especially so hot off the heels of everyone realizing that Beyonce is black.)

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-It sounded like the Biebz might have been slangin some voice lessons when he did “Love Yourself” acoustic in a jacket he borrowed from Sammi Sweetheart. Then he promptly smashed his guitar and it was an omen for the remainder of the performance. #BadBoyLife

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-1989 wins album of the year and Taylor takes a big giant dump on Kanye’s face.

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YEAH THAT’S RIGHT. BURN CITY: Population, KANYE.

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Television

CMA Awards 2015 Recap

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Welcome to “Country music’s biggest night,” this month.

Cause nothing gets me ready for the impending 9 months of winter quite like watching performances of my favorite country songs about boozin’ in the summer. Looking past that fact though I think everyone in America can agree that we can divide last night’s awards show into two categories: BJT & AJT. Before JT and After JT. Also note to future country singers hoping to sweep the awards: bring your buddy Justin Timberlake. But more on that below…here are the hits and misses of the night’s bits, performances & audience reactions.

No, Thank You:

-Hey, I get that Star Wars is making a hot comeback this year but did we need to start shoving it down America’s throats like 5 months early? I’m out on Star Wars. So as you can imagine, the opening bit with Brad as Guitar Solo, Carrie as Carrie Fisher and Garth Vader turned Luke Vader didn’t do it for me.

-Obviously fresh on everyone’s brains (because we’re reminded of it every five minutes) is the Blake/Miranda divorce and it needed to be addressed. Unfortunately, Carrie & Brad started with “the breakup we can’t ignore” and then tossed it over to Miss Piggy and Kermit. I’m actually more fired up about the Muppets taking over than I am with Star Wars. Enough with the puppet publicity.

-Related to my last point but not a part of the show, Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani waited until right when the show was beginning to have their reps officially announce they’re a couple, making it red carpet fodder. DOUCHE move. Seriously, #TeamMiranda all the way.

-William Shatner got drunk (I assume) came onstage in a storm trooper costume and shat all over the joint.

shatner

-Zac Brown Band sang off key a whole lot.

-Brett Eldredge never performed and yet he has a brand new album…how does this add up CMA?! HOW?!

-Carrie performed “Smoke Break” looking like a smoke, obv.

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-Every year they throw pop acts into the mix and hope for musical magic and every year there’s duets that crash and burn.(Wink.) This year was Fallout Boy with Thomas Rhett. They did “Crash & Burn” first followed by “Uma Thurman” where essentially both of them held back their natural style of singing while red-lipped body suit ho’s gyrated around them. It was inspiring.

thomas-rhett-fall-out-boy-blake-shelton-CMA-show-2015-billboard-650

– Luke Bryan performs a slow number without his backwards hat. WHY EVEN PERFORM? #DesertSandstormUndies

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-Miranda rocks the shit out of her performance of “Bathroom Sink” and ABC acts supes mature and doesn’t once give us a reaction shot from Blake. BOOOOO. I want to see the regret in his eyes.

-I was forced to eat all the nice words I gave Kacey for her red carpet look when she did too much outfit and special effects-wise for her performance. There were literal My Little Pony graphics parading in the background.

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Yes, Please:

-Carrie Underwood’s crack in the monologue about “some dude” calling women in country tomatoes and the camera pans to three men in the audience with stone cold expressions who probably hate women…and tomatoes.

-John Mellencamp & Keith Urban were the opening hair cr3w. John sported some fluffy locks and Keith had his usual mom going through a mid-life crisis haircut so putting the two of them together was top entertainment for me. Also they sang “Ain’t that America”, which always slays. MURICA. HOME OF THE HAIR.

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-Brad invented the phrase “Sam Hunting” to refer to the art of talking and transitioning to song. Thank GOD someone ribbed on him for this because it’s not okay. Talking mid-song sucks and Sam abuses the privilege just because he’s swoonworthy.

-JT got mad screen time right off the bat when Brad shouts it out to him then hopes for a performance of “that song about Christmas that he just can’t put his finger on.” I’ll put my finger on it. If it’s cool with Jessica, of course. But seriously, show Justin’s pretty face as much as possible.

-Little Big Town slayed Girl Crush as per usual (but please start performing another single, I’ve seen this one a lot) and blondie gave me silver skirt goals.

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-Eric Church channeled a sunglasses-wearin Beyonce and dropped a surprise album mid-show, which was much more exciting than either of his performances.

-Chris Stapleton owns the MF’ing night. Had quite literally no idea who this bearded fellow was before last night and suddenly he’s the stuff and also BFF’s with Justin. Just as long as he doesn’t try to take JFal’s place I’m cool with it. But seriously according to me and EVERY SINGLE OTHER PERSON at the awards show his collab with JT was the performance of the night. Tennessee Whiskey was first, followed by Drink You Away and they tore that shit wide open. There was a girl also singing with them but her name isn’t Justin Timberlake and therefore she remained in the shadows, literally I don’t think she had her own spotlight. (Re-watch full performance here.)

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-Follow up to the actual performance, which was bananaland good, the country stars in the audience could not even with JT and it made me feel so much better about sitting completely still on my couch grinning at the TV. Specific shout out to Keith Urban whose undies were probably more soaked then mine…he cheered & danced and screamed like a fangirl with an I ❤ JT poster all while filming the whole thing on his iPhone. One guy had actual tears. Most of the girls just drooled openly. It was amazing to see everyone lose their cool for JT and the Tennessee Kids duetting with the largest beard I’ve seen in a while.

-Even though it didn’t matter what the hell FGL did because they followed Chris & Justin, I still had to throw a little fashion appreciation their way because it made me laugh out loud. Gone were the vests that I have plagued for years and the replacement was Brian wearing a harness and a feather necklace. No hang on, necklace is overstating it. He was wearing an actual full feather hanging off a string.Upon second glance there was a feather in his back pocket as well. I don’t know what I expect from two men who live in actual treehouses but it still gets me every time.

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-Pentatonix does a quick accapella country ditty and the audience lost their shit over it. Everyone was all in on their 2 second performance and it was really cute and well deserved cause this group is more talented than the Barden Bellas. They even got a standing O.

-Miranda wins Female Vocalist and you can tell she’s not sure how to handle the cameras but Luke swoops in and hugs her. What a gentleman. I almost forgive him for his lack of hip gyrations. In Miranda’s thank you she says, “I appreciate it, I needed a bright spot this year.” YOU GOT THIS GRRRRRLLLLL. KILL ‘EM.

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-Chris Stapleton wins his third award of the night and tears up. He’s humble and sweet and grateful and we need more of him in America. Also it’s very clear that all the top country artists were rooting for him which gives me even more of the warm & fuzzies. Also not for nothing he has some pretty luscious locks that curl better than my own.

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-Luke thanks his “baby” and they show Garth Brooks. LoLz. That cameraman was swiftly fired. Then Luke-no baseball cap-Bryan also shouts it out to the cool kids of country in the front row to remind everyone who isn’t VIP that they suck at life.

 

Winners:

Single of the Year- Girl Crush by Little Big Town

Song of the Year- Girl Crush

New Artist of the Year- Chris Stapleton

Vocal Duo of the Year- FGL

Album of the Year- Chris Stapleton, Traveler

Vocal Group of the Year- Little Big Town

Female Vocalist of the Year- Miranda Lambert

Male Vocalist of the Year- Chris Stapleton

Entertainer of the Year- Luke Bryan

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Red Carpet, Television

CMA Awards Red Carpet 2015

I particularly love doing Country red carpets because they’re the only awards shows where the men have equally as sassy outfits, if not more eye-grabbing than their lady counterparts. Don’t eva try to hold a country man down with their loud print suits and staple headwear. So even though most of you look like you scrapped together suits from the leftovers at a seamstress, I applaud you for keeping things spicy and going there instead of sticking to a boring black tux.

WORST:

NASHVILLE, TN - NOVEMBER 04: Singer-songwriter Chase Bryant attends the 49th annual CMA Awards at the Bridgestone Arena on November 4, 2015 in Nashville, Tennessee. (Photo by John Shearer/WireImage)

Exhibit A of above rant. Shiny teal patterned jacket, chesties, and Jimmy Neutron hair. Thanks for being you, men of country.

NASHVILLE, TN - NOVEMBER 04: Karen Fairchild of Little Big Town attends the 49th annual CMA Awards at the Bridgestone Arena on November 4, 2015 in Nashville, Tennessee. (Photo by John Shearer/WireImage)

I want to like this but it looks like she’s wearing a dress with spiderwebs all over it. And I really hate spiders.

Kimberly Schlapman, of Little Big Town, arrives at the 49th annual CMA Awards at the Bridgestone Arena on Wednesday, Nov. 4, 2015, in Nashville, Tenn. (Photo by Evan Agostini/Invision/AP)

Sweet black armpit flaps.

NASHVILLE, TN - NOVEMBER 04: (L-R) Jay DeMarcus, Gary LeVox, and Joe Don Rooney of Rascal Flatts attend the 49th annual CMA Awards at the Bridgestone Arena on November 4, 2015 in Nashville, Tennessee. (Photo by Michael Loccisano/Getty Images)

Thank God one of them wore black or this would’ve been a real eye sore sitch for Rascal. Oh wait…

04 Nov 2015, Nashville, Tennessee, USA --- 04 November 2015 - Nashville, Tennessee - Kimberly Williams-Paisley. 49th CMA Awards, Country Music's Biggest Night, held at Bridgestone Arena. Photo Credit: Laura Farr/AdMedia --- Image by © Laura Farr/AdMedia/AdMedia/Corbis

Seems like maybe Kimberly bought this dress off Etsy.

NASHVILLE, TN - NOVEMBER 04: Musician Ashley Monroe attends the 49th annual CMA Awards at the Bridgestone Arena on November 4, 2015 in Nashville, Tennessee. (Photo by Jon Kopaloff/FilmMagic)

I think wrapping a hot pink twin bedsheet around my body for a toga party in college was more flattering than this.

NASHVILLE, TN - NOVEMBER 04: Musician Jason Aldean attends the 49th annual CMA Awards at the Bridgestone Arena on November 4, 2015 in Nashville, Tennessee. (Photo by John Shearer/WireImage)

Jason will probably never make my best dressed list, so I hope he’s kewl with that.

NASHVILLE, TN - NOVEMBER 04: Actress Erika Christensen attends the 49th annual CMA Awards at the Bridgestone Arena on November 4, 2015 in Nashville, Tennessee. (Photo by John Shearer/WireImage)

This is the epitome of a horrendous bridesmaids dress from 1993. Also why is Erika Christensen at the CMAs?

NASHVILLE, TN - NOVEMBER 04: Musician Steven Tyler attends the 49th annual CMA Awards at the Bridgestone Arena on November 4, 2015 in Nashville, Tennessee. (Photo by John Shearer/WireImage)

You know what would be really wild? If Steven showed up in a slick tuxedo. That would turn some heads.

NASHVILLE, TN - NOVEMBER 04: Preston Brust (L) and Chris Lucas of LoCash Cowboys attend the 49th annual CMA Awards at the Bridgestone Arena on November 4, 2015 in Nashville, Tennessee. (Photo by Michael Loccisano/Getty Images)

We have a TRUCKER HAT. I REPEAT, A TRUCKER HAT. And once you get past the shock of 2003 Ashton Kutcher, a white fedora, matching jacket combo deal.

NASHVILLE, TN - NOVEMBER 04: Singer Danielle Bradbery attends the 49th annual CMA Awards at the Bridgestone Arena on November 4, 2015 in Nashville, Tennessee. (Photo by John Shearer/WireImage)

Not really understanding this idea of sheer paneled legs. Just wear a short dress and call it a day.

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No thank you, Jennifer Nettles.

NASHVILLE, TN - NOVEMBER 04: Musician Scotty McCreery attends the 49th annual CMA Awards at the Bridgestone Arena on November 4, 2015 in Nashville, Tennessee. (Photo by Jon Kopaloff/FilmMagic)

He’s already pretty creeps and then throws on an embroidered jacket so that didn’t really help things.

NASHVILLE, TN - NOVEMBER 04: Dan Smyers and Shay Mooney of Dan + Shay attend the 49th annual CMA Awards at the Bridgestone Arena on November 4, 2015 in Nashville, Tennessee. (Photo by John Shearer/WireImage)

The hair ruins everything for me here. Gelled pompadours AREN’T cool.

NASHVILLE, TN - NOVEMBER 04: Singer Cam attends the 49th annual CMA Awards at the Bridgestone Arena on November 4, 2015 in Nashville, Tennessee. (Photo by John Shearer/WireImage)

This dress reminds me of a mix between banana peels and leaves, either way it’s too weird

BEST:

NASHVILLE, TN - NOVEMBER 04: Songwriter Kyle Jacobs and musical artist Kellie Pickler attend the 49th annual CMA Awards at the Bridgestone Arena on November 4, 2015 in Nashville, Tennessee. (Photo by Michael Loccisano/Getty Images)

This is really classy and elegant, especially for 1 out of 100 country awards. You go, grl.

NASHVILLE, TN - NOVEMBER 04: Musical duo Lennon & Maisy attend the 49th annual CMA Awards at the Bridgestone Arena on November 4, 2015 in Nashville, Tennessee. (Photo by Michael Loccisano/Getty Images)

Why couldn’t the Conrad sisters perform? THAT would be must-see TV.

NASHVILLE, TN - NOVEMBER 04: Singer-songwriter Kacey Musgraves attends the 49th annual CMA Awards at the Bridgestone Arena on November 4, 2015 in Nashville, Tennessee. (Photo by Michael Loccisano/Getty Images)

Kacey threw me a curveball tonight. No arts and crafts accessories, no beehive hairstyle, she just looks pretty.

NASHVILLE, TN - NOVEMBER 04: John Osborne and T.J. Osborne of Brothers Osborne attend the 49th annual CMA Awards at the Bridgestone Arena on November 4, 2015 in Nashville, Tennessee. (Photo by Michael Loccisano/Getty Images)

Beard’s got a weird jacket vibe going on but leather jacket Osborne is doing all sorts of things for me.

NASHVILLE, TN - NOVEMBER 04: Singer-songwriter Lee Ann Womack attends the 49th annual CMA Awards at the Bridgestone Arena on November 4, 2015 in Nashville, Tennessee. (Photo by Michael Loccisano/Getty Images)

LeAnn with a sassy little frock. Showing Carrie she’s not the only country singer with stems!

04 November 2015 - Nashville, Tennessee - Thomas Rhett, Lauren Gregory. 49th CMA Awards, Country Music's Biggest Night, held at Bridgestone Arena. Photo Credit: Laura Farr/AdMedia

Thomas Rhett was out shined by his smokeshow wife and her dress that I’m obsessed with.

NASHVILLE, TN - NOVEMBER 04: Singer Miranda Lambert attends the 49th annual CMA Awards at the Bridgestone Arena on November 4, 2015 in Nashville, Tennessee. (Photo by Michael Loccisano/Getty Images)

What do you do when you’re about to see your ex-husband in front of the cameras for the first time? Dye your hair pink, duh.

NASHVILLE, TN - NOVEMBER 04: Singer-songwriter Sam Hunt attends the 49th annual CMA Awards at the Bridgestone Arena on November 4, 2015 in Nashville, Tennessee. (Photo by John Shearer/WireImage)

A fall-influenced suit. Hell yeah.

NASHVILLE, TN - NOVEMBER 04: Singer-songwriter Cole Swindell attends the 49th annual CMA Awards at the Bridgestone Arena on November 4, 2015 in Nashville, Tennessee. (Photo by John Shearer/WireImage)

I’m willing to overlook the baseball cap for this spicy burgundy suit on Cole.

NASHVILLE, TN - NOVEMBER 04: Model Hannah Davis attends the 49th annual CMA Awards at the Bridgestone Arena on November 4, 2015 in Nashville, Tennessee. (Photo by John Shearer/WireImage)

Slow whistle for the future Mrs. Jeter. Hot diggity damn.

Justin Timberlake arrives at the 49th annual CMA Awards at the Bridgestone Arena on Wednesday, Nov. 4, 2015, in Nashville, Tenn. (Photo by Evan Agostini/Invision/AP)

Everyone knows all JT needs to do is show up and he makes my best dressed list. Shameless.

NASHVILLE, TN - NOVEMBER 04: Recording artist Luke Bryan attends the 49th annual CMA Awards at the Bridgestone Arena on November 4, 2015 in Nashville, Tennessee. (Photo by John Shearer/WireImage)

Luke never fails to dazzle me but all I need from his is a white tee and baseball cap.

NASHVILLE, TN - NOVEMBER 04: Recording artist Brett Eldredge attends the 49th annual CMA Awards at the Bridgestone Arena on November 4, 2015 in Nashville, Tennessee. (Photo by Michael Loccisano/Getty Images)

My boo.

NASHVILLE, TN - NOVEMBER 04: Actor Riley Smith attends the 49th annual CMA Awards at the Bridgestone Arena on November 4, 2015 in Nashville, Tennessee. (Photo by Michael Loccisano/Getty Images)

Latest installment of “if you guest star on Nashville you get an invite to the CMA’s.” I don’t hate it. More Riley Smith for me!

NASHVILLE, TN - NOVEMBER 04: Recording artist Darius Rucker attends the 49th annual CMA Awards at the Bridgestone Arena on November 4, 2015 in Nashville, Tennessee. (Photo by John Shearer/WireImage)

I may hate Hootie gone country but I can respect tha hell outta this bloutfit.

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I can get all down with this salsa number.

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Didn’t get enough hot pink tonight and I like this one a lot. David Nail you look nice as well.

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All because two people fell in love…they get invites to every Hollywood event ever. All in on Shawn’s suit, hard pass on Kaitlyn’s dress. I’ve seen a bajillion better outfits on her.

NASHVILLE, TN - NOVEMBER 04: Musical duo Shawna Thompson and Keifer Thompson of Thompson Square attend the 49th annual CMA Awards at the Bridgestone Arena on November 4, 2015 in Nashville, Tennessee. (Photo by Michael Loccisano/Getty Images)

Thompson Square looking glam city.

NASHVILLE, TN - NOVEMBER 04: Singer-songwriter Cassadee Pope attends the 49th annual CMA Awards at the Bridgestone Arena on November 4, 2015 in Nashville, Tennessee. (Photo by John Shearer/WireImage)

Usually the one sleeve thing is a little jarring but I’m alright with this scandal.

04 November 2015 - Nashville, Tennessee - Jana Kramer, Mike Caussin. 49th CMA Awards, Country Music's Biggest Night, held at Bridgestone Arena. Photo Credit: Laura Farr/AdMedia *** Please Use Credit from Credit Field ***

If you follow Jana on insta, you would know she’s preggers because she makes sure to directly comment on her bump in every post so it makes perfect sense that her hand is essentially glued to her baby belly on the red carpet. Also fist bump for putting the pregnancy rack on display.

NASHVILLE, TN - NOVEMBER 04: Singer-songwriter Kelsea Ballerini attends the 49th annual CMA Awards at the Bridgestone Arena on November 4, 2015 in Nashville, Tennessee. (Photo by John Shearer/WireImage)

Princess Kelsea. Glad she made it to the CMA’s this year because her songs are fire flames and she’s a little cutie.

NASHVILLE, TN - NOVEMBER 04: Singer-songwriter Dustin Lynch attends the 49th annual CMA Awards at the Bridgestone Arena on November 4, 2015 in Nashville, Tennessee. (Photo by John Shearer/WireImage)

Ignore the stupid pose, ignore the stupid pose.

Kimberly Perry, of The Band Perry, arrives at the 49th annual CMA Awards at the Bridgestone Arena on Wednesday, Nov. 4, 2015, in Nashville, Tenn. (Photo by Evan Agostini/Invision/AP)

The Sleek Perry

NASHVILLE, TN - NOVEMBER 04: Singer-songwriter Tyler Farr attends the 49th annual CMA Awards at the Bridgestone Arena on November 4, 2015 in Nashville, Tennessee. (Photo by John Shearer/WireImage)

I love this peacoat material jacket. Sophisticated AND trendy.

Reid Perry, of The Band Perry, arrive at the 49th annual CMA Awards at the Bridgestone Arena on Wednesday, Nov. 4, 2015, in Nashville, Tenn. (Photo by Evan Agostini/Invision/AP)

I laughed out loud when I saw Perry Bro 1 with his messy bun and realized this is EXACTLY what my hair looks like when I toss it up at the end of the day. Not sure if that’s a commentary on me or him.

Fave Look of the Night:

November 4, 2015 Nashville, Tn. Carrie Underwood 49th Annual Country Music Association Awards held at the Bridgestone Arena © Curtis Hilbun / AFF-USA.COM

She may have 12 outfit changes throughout the evening but her red carpet look did it for me.

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Music, Playlist

Summer Palooza 2k10

Let’s dial it back to the summer of 2010 when I was a mere infant at the beginning of her college career (sigh), with an actual 3 month break from school for a bullshit job and fun in the sun. Those were the dayz. Let’s also laugh at the songs that my sister and I thought were the shit that year.

1. Summer Sunshine- The Corrs. This was an original summer palooza tradition, beginning with this song and ending with White Houses (of course.) After a while we phased out The Corrs and kept Vanessa but I could still probably listen to this song on repeat. It was also a staple AIM profile addition…for example In the heat of the summer sunshine, I miss you like nobody else ☀ or ….xx…To sweet beginnings and bitter endings…xx… (for 8th grade graduation probly)

2. Misery- Maroon 5. Maroon 5 used to be full of bangers and I distinctly remember making this my ringtone at one point on my maroon (no coincidence) colored enV2. Could I have been cooler than answering a call-most likely from my mother-to the tune of Adam Levine wah-wahing? Probably not.

3. Magic- B.o.B ft. Rivers Cuomo. This tune got a quick revival via Pitch Perfect and the Treblemakers but it’s still fire flames. Pair a rapper (that we pretty much never heard from again) with the hipster lead singer of Weezer and you’ve got MAGIC.

4. All I Do Is Win- DJ Khaled (feat. T-Pain, Ludacris, Snoop Dogg & Rick Ross). This was probably the first rap song that I really NAILED, Emma Stone lip sync style. I can still impressively spit Luda’s verse. #StreetCred Also DJ Khaled’s got CONNECTS bringing this star powered posse together on one song.

5. Letting Go- Sean Kingston Ft. Nicki Minaj. Want to really annoy the shit out of your friends? Play the first 5 seconds of this song on repeat. My friend did that to me once while I was driving and I almost murdered him right there in my vehicle. I could probably go the rest of my life without hearing HEYO SEAN, YO MISTA KINGSTON ever again. BUT how gr8 is Sean Kingston that adorable Jamaican chubster?

6. Summer Town-Third Eye Blind. Obligatory, if you are a band and release a song with a summer theme, you land a spot on the palooza. Also I’m a sneaky 3EB fan. I’ve seen them twice in concert, I should probably add that I paid no more than 15 dollars to see them either time. Anyway, this is more of a chill by the bonfire flavor.

7. Love the Way You Lie- Eminem (Ft. Rihanna). This song is some heavy shit and obviously every time I hear it I suddenly turn into a rage-filled white rapper who throws her hands around like a G. No regrets. I distinctly remember this music video because it had Megan Fox in it and she got the shit beaten out of her aaand then her house was set on fire NBD. This came out right after Chris Brown cold-cocked Rihanna, which made it even more intense. I felt like that was a necessary sentence to type because I’d like to remind everyone that Chris Brown is a terrible human and kind of skated away from that whole domestic violence thing. Catchiest lyric goes to: Now you get to watch her leave out the window, guess that’s why they call it window PANE.

8. Mine- Taylor Swift. This is a top T Swizzle song for me because it’s just adorbz. Girl meets boy, girl has commitment issues, boy is like I’ll never leave you, and they live happily ever after. Isn’t love supes easy breezy?

9. Beautiful Monster- Ne-Yo. I think this was a desperate add-on. Clearly we were searching for songs here. Anyway, CLUB BEAT$ from ya boy Ne-Yo here where he compares a woman to monster…but she’s beautiful. What a wordsmith.

10. Dynamite- Taio Cruz. This song made repeating every word you say totally ok, ok, ok, ok. It IS a feel good jam about just having a fabulous night, which I can always support, support, support, support.

11. Undo It- Carrie Underwood. Carrie is Queen of revenge breakup songs, which is odd considering she’s been in a really healthy relationship for like her whole career. But I digress, bitch wants to undo the relationship, which is like the biggest diss. Bye Felicia.

12. I Like It- Enrique Iglesias ft. Pitbull. Ah another club beat except where Dynamite was all about good clean fun, this song is about cheating on your significant other on the weekends. Your boyfriend’s out of town so he doesn’t even have to know, lawls, please let me penetrate you under the strobe light with sweaty bodies surrounding us. Oh, Enrique how far you fallen from Hero—I blame Pitbull’s influence. OBVIOUSLY. DALÉ.

13. King of Anything- Sara Bareilles. Sara consistently puts out fresh music that’s light and bubbly. Clap it up for girl power!

14. Club Can’t Handle Me- David Guetta Ft. Flo Rida. When you go so hard that the club can’t even handle you, what are you even supposed to do? This song came out when I was under 21 but could still get into the 18 + club at school called Hatters (red flag) and I distinctly remember this being a full-on fist pump song. Therefore when you listen to it, you MUST build the beat.

15. Our Kind Of Love- Lady Antebellum. 2K10 was a light year for country lovin from my sis and I but Lady A was just starting to make some noise after Need You Now, the official drunk dial song. This one’s a little slow but maybe it’s time to slow it down after almost fist pumping yourself to death.

16. Cooler Than Me- Mike Posner. Remember this one hit wonder? Mike used to record music in his beat laboratory at Duke before he hit it big with this song, which is catchy AF. Also now that I’ve googled him and seen that he wrote a buttload of #1 hits for other singers including Sugar for Maroon 5 and Boyfriend for Biebs, I feel really bad for calling him a one hit wonder. Keep up the good work, Mikey!

17. White Houses- Vanessa Carlton. The minute you hear those piano keys, you know that the palooza has ended. Sorry guys…It’s all too sweet to last.

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