JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 12/26/2016

1. Everyone is dying. Let me start this off by saying, unlike EVERYONE else, I’m not about to blame the year 2016 for some celebrity deaths. Why? BECAUSE THAT’S PREPOSTEROUS. 2016 is a year, not a murderer. So let’s cut the shit with the dramatics on Twitter, mmmk? And this is coming from one of the most dramats human on this planet, so you know it’s serious. Now that we’ve cleared that up, let’s talk about how like a bajillion celebrities died this year. I mean, yikes city. Alan Thicke a couple weeks ago, then bing, bang, boom with George Michael, Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds. There’s only one way we can all get through this together and I know everyone will agree. Just close your eyes and show me that smile again. (OooOooh SHOW ME THAT SMILE!)

I made this my alarm and I’ve never been happier to get up in the morning*

*Snooze no less than 100 times and finally drag my ass out of bed with the best song ever in my head.

2. Jenny from the 6. See what I did there? Apparently Drake’s love life is like super interesting because a couple weeks ago everyone was salivating over a Taylor-Drake relashe (when realistically they were probably just recording a song together…GIVE US NEW MUSIC, TAY.) and now it looks like Drake’s getting all up in that JLo booty. Respect. If I had to choose JLo or Rihanna, I’d go with the one who physically cannot age and puts out bangers still rather than the one who made the most annoying song on this planet. *In case you want something in your head for the rest of the day: werkwerkwerkwerkwerk.

But honestly though, I’m proud of Drake for flaunting this all over the gram because when he was professing his love for RiRi at an awards show a few months back and she was like boy, bye it was preeetttyyyy embarrassing. Upgrade. Go get ’em Jenny.

Also shouts to this gossip because it allowed me to dive into a dark hole of watching old JLo music videos, which was a goldmine. I highly recommend it. Seriously how many times can she flash her abs in this one? We get it. You’re from the block (with a gym on it.)

Double also, if “Dra-Lo” becomes a real thing I’ll have no choice but to exit this planet.

3. Pink Popped.

View this post on Instagram

Jameson Moon Hart 12.26.16

A post shared by P!NK (@pink) on

It seems like just yesterday I was blogging about Pink’s tits-out maternity photo and now here’s the baby! Time flies when you’re topless. Either way…gr8 name. I couldn’t approve more if it was the name for my first nephew, cough cough. Middle name is dumb, obviously.

View this post on Instagram

I love my baby daddy 💙

A post shared by P!NK (@pink) on

4. National Bacon Day.

nutmegspelling

Tori Spelling literally cannot stop popping out kiddies so also it seems like an ideal time to get a micropig named Nutmeg to add to the fam. Seriously, wtf. Also I only know today is National Bacon Day because I observe it. By getting a half day at work, obviously.

5. Dunkin Nuts.

This happened a week ago but it doesn’t get old and I was really searching for celeb goss this week that didn’t have to do with another beloved star dying suddenly. Casey Affleck is the PERFECT Boston accented Dunkin trash. I’m proud to say that I drink Dunkz on a regular basis but I’ve never delivered a vanilla nut tap, so I’m really living my best life.

Happy New Year’s to all! Hopefully we don’t immediately get outraged as a human race by the year 2017. To assure that you start the year with a bang, smash play on the below CLASSIC.

Standard
Music, Television

AMA’s 2016 Recap

Since the AMA’s were surprisingly dece, here’s a quick 5 point highlight reel of the show–a conversational piece for your Monday morning at work. (If you happen to work with teenagers.)

1. I’ve had enough visuals to last a lifetime from the song Side to Side.

screen-shot-2016-11-20-at-10-10-32-pm

I get that Ariana is 23 and old enough to be singing about sex but she still looks like she’s 12 and frankly it gives me all of the uncomfies to watch her simulate this onstage. After this performance and grinding line I was waiting for someone’s bracelet to get snipped and for them to get tossed from the stage ala high school dance grinding rules. Pat on the back that my bracelet was never cut because chaperones can’t get to you if you’re in the middle of the mosh, so HA.

2. Chainsmoker #2 really embracing being the dad of the group.

chainsmokers

It sucks to not be the hot one but respect to #2 for driving that point home with his Guy Fieri sunburst shirt and also having a complete stroke onstage while accepting their award. YIKES.

3. Drake <3’s Taylor.

OMG they both did Apple Music commercials with each other’s songs in it, THEY’RE TOTALLY DATING. But seriously, this would’ve been funnier if it was a slow song like All Too Well. Either way, I can appreciate it and also the fact that Meek Mill has been buried for like a solid year and Drake is still stomping on his grave every chance he gets. The last minute “WATCH HOW YOU SPEAK ON MY NAME” was killer. Would’ve been more killer with a camera pan to Nicki Minaj.

4. What a Taylor Swift-less audience looks like.

Without our girl to sway and toss those seaweed arms into the air, I noticed that we got a lot of glances at random pre-teens singing along and middle aged men dancing like no one was watching. We were all watching. My first piece of advice to anyone in a crowd where there might be a camera ever, is if you’re not 100% confident you have the right words, do not sing. Sure this girl wide mouth singing a bunch of random words made me laugh out loud but also now it’s caught on camera forever and I spent about 20 minutes this morning making a gif of it. (This also made me late for work…priorities.) Selena also stepped into the spotlight for a much-needed Sting clap break. Because Message in a Bottle NEVER gets old.

5a. DO NOT go to a Justin Bieber concert unless you need a good cry.

Holy crap, Beliebers. IT WAS AN UPBEAT SONG. Stop the tears! Gonna be honest, Let Me Love You is one of the few JB songs that I can get down with  and these sobbing little bitches really killed my vibe. Maybe they’re crying because Justin yelled at them all again for screaming during his concert? That’s the only explanation.

5b. What is this microphone.

gagaperforminggagaamas

I know that I said I would only list five things but I lied because I want to yap about the fact that Lady Gaga had a totes emotional slow song performance but all I could focus on was the fact that this MASSIVE headset’s mic was basically inside of her throat as she sang. Since I work in the biz (barely) I know that there are much more discreet mics that still pick up the same amount of sound so choosing this one for a televised awards show is a real weird move. Was anticipating a mid-high note choke but she made it through like a champ.

BONUS: The fact that I specifically googled both Shawn and Niall’s ages before adding this in for a little BTS swoon sesh says everything about how much of a creep I am. For the record, Shawn is 18 and Niall is 23 so IT’S TOTALLY FINE TO BE ATTRACTED TO THIS, GIRLS.

 

 

 

 

 

Standard
Music, Red Carpet, Television

MTV VMA’s Red Carpet 2016

Every year when the back to college blues hit, MTV really hammers it home with the VMA’s. An annual reminder that I’m too old for this shit. I don’t know who half of the rappers and singers are that youths are listening to these days, and I’m forced to endure 3 hours of buhholes and Kanye “bro” West free speech–just so I don’t have Twitter FOMO. To make up for this full night of garbage TV, I’m going to judge red carpet outfits real hard.

WORST

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Red Carpet

Ariana may be nailing all the 90’s kewl kid trends these days with the off the shoulder and choker, but that hair and the way too long biz slacks are really buzzkilling it.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

I legitimately was shocked that Fat Joe was still alive. Joe Crack the Don is looking scary as ever in those pastel blue pants.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards, Arrivals, Madison Square Garden, New York, USA - 28 Aug 2016

What happened to our sweet little JoJo in boys suck graphic tees?

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Red Carpet

YIKES, Nick. Yikes.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

Remember when Cassie was in Step Up 2 the Streets? Lolz.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

This is the VMA’s, not the Met Ball Ansel

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

Naomi’s dress is an actual chair cover.

MTV Video Music Awards 2016

I would pay lots of money to see a chick wear these shoes downtown at the bars and watch her try to walk in them.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

We get it, Joe Jonas. You’re edgy now that you sing about sex. The leather overalls are just unnecessary though. Loveralls.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

I guess MTV awards is the exact place to make this statement since they made Nev famous but like also no one knows who his girl is, so this kind of defeats the purpose of going balls to the wall and showing up to a red carpet topless and about to deliver any second.

BEST

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

Don’t understand a damn thing this bro sings/raps/whatevers but this jacket is fire.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

It took me a minute to get used to this but I’m down now. It’s fun and her nips are covered, which is hard to find on the VMA’s red carpet.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

HASHTAG FINAL FIVEEEEEE. But seriously they all look adorbs and age approps.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Red Carpet

Could’ve done without the slicked hair but Heidi looks like she’s a supermodel or something in this mini.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

All the respect for Alicia Keys rolling through with no makeup (and still looking better than me with a full face of makeup) as well as using her actual bomb ass singing voice onstage, amidst a show full of shitty lip syncers. Real recognizes real.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

Major key: Khaled makes the best dressed solely because he’s not wearing slides with another one printed on them. (read: my standards are rock bottom)

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

I never thought this day would come, but Nicki actually looks good and her buhhole isn’t hanging out.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

Brit looks okay, this jabroni with the open velour shirt can kick rocks right out of here though.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

I’m woman enough to admit when Kimmy K looks good and bitch looks good here.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

Yeah, Nick get IT with that chevron!

2016 MTV Video Music Awards, Arrivals, Madison Square Garden, New York, USA - 28 Aug 2016

Giving a lot of bro love today for their fresh patterned jackets.

2016 MTV Video Music Awards - Red Carpet

If we’re being honest I think Blue’s outfit crushes Beyonce’s but IT’S NOT A COMPETITION, GUYS.

And since I refuse to dedicate a whole blog to recap here are my tidbits:

-Was there a host? If the host was supposed to be Key & Peele, they clearly have no gauge on when to ditch a bit that was drowning from the beginning.

-The VMA’s should just come out and advertise as the Lip Sync Awards because it’s actually embarrassing how many dance medleys happened with no effort at all to appear like they’re singing. (COUGH COUGH BRITNEY & RIRI)

-Rihanna may have been awarded with the video vanguard (and “performed” too many times to count) but Beyonce was the real winner of last night with her Lemonade medley that brought white girls to their knees.The only thing that could’ve made it better was Jay onstage feeling Queen B’s fur coat wrath.

beyoncebat

-Halsey and the Chainsmokers guy are definitely banging, also they ruined my new fave song of the summer by showing us what their live voices sound like.

-Rihanna could not care less that Drake is so obsessed with her. Seriously, he was like I’ve been in love with you since birth and she was like thanks for the speech, bro.

And lastly, HASHTAG ART.

F:PHOTOMediaFactory ActionsRequests DropBox3000#Tv CaptureSNAG-001176.jpg

Even though you couldn’t physically see my face when I watched this video, pls know that my eyes rolled directly out of my head and down the block.

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 1/25/16

1. This meaty eye candy knocked up his wife again.

It’s no surprise that John bulked up for a movie role and then gave Emily one seductive side glance and suddenly she was pregnant. Three cheers for this hawt couple and their second model baby. May your conception story be passed on for generations to come. If you want to get your wife preggers, don’t skip arm day at the gym.

2. Remember Zayn? He’s great at tongueing Gigi Hadid.

After a lot of twitter sass and one leaked song a while back, Zayn has finally shown the world what he left 1D for. So that he can play tonsil hockey with one of the hottest models in the world. Hey, I don’t hate the hustle here. What I do hate is this music video. It’s trippy and weird and I could’ve gone without seeing a flower blossom out of a woman’s lady bits. I see what Zayn is trying to do here with this smooth Usher-esque bedroom eyes jam and it’s alright, but what steals the shine is obviously my girl Gigi. She is flawless in this video, even when she’s crying blood. (seriously, thanks for the nightmares Zayn.)

3. This song still bangs.

Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell (one of my fave Hollywood couples) took some time off from doing Samsung commercials to cut together this Toto music video from their vacation like 4 years ago. What it brought to light is that this song is still a banger. Don’t sleep on Toto, guys. In addition, we learned that even on safari, where there is probably limited access to makeup and hair products, Kristen still looks like a dime piece and I’m real jelly.

Screen Shot 2016-01-29 at 9.47.58 AM

4. Two Holy Men Meet.

leo

The pope had the distinct honor of meeting all that is holy Leonardo Dicaprio this week. They shared some picture books, a laugh, and Leo spoke Italian at the Vatican and every woman in the world needed to change her undies. The pope bid him farewell with “Go forth my son, to love and serve the Lord, and win an Oscar finally.” (Probably.)

 

5. 1D Baby Debut!

View this post on Instagram

Meet my little lad, Freddie 👶

A post shared by Louis Tomlinson (@louist91) on

As reported on last week’s JUice, Louis has a son and only a week later he already made the little nugget insta-famous. AND HE HAS A NORMAL NAME! What a treat. Freddie Tomlinson snuggles right up to his dad’s tats and apparently no recognition is given to the baby mama who pushed that human through her vag.

BONUS: Rihanna and Drake collab it out again.

Spend the weekend deciding if this song is the most annoying thing on this earth or musical genius worthy of a Tidal-only release. I’m leaning toward annoying, but that’s just me.

Standard
Playlist

Millennial Beat Laboratory Mix

Any time I find myself in a bar with a DJ (every night, obv) I always cross my fingers that they start spinnin’—or have on their iTunes playlist—some beats from the 2000’s, aka my prime gangster days. Hanging out with the girls on the basketball team upped my street cred by a trillion because they always had rap on their workout mixes and I was all in for pretending to be cool. Now that I no longer have these influences and listen to a lot of country, my G factor has rapidly decreased but every once and a while I like to toss it back to a time when I knew rap lyrics, yo.

Paper Planes (Remix)- M.I.A. Generally speaking this song has a lot going on and SHOULD hurt your ears, but instead it turns into a gleeful game of cocking a fake gun and pulling the till on a fake cash register. Furreals tho, don’t F with M.I.A cause she’s got mad blunts and more records than the KGB.

Kewlest Lyric: No one on the corner has swag like us

Forever- Drake Ft. Eminem, Lil Wayne, & Kanye West. This is a rare gem of a song because please explain to me how you could ever get these four rap giants together now. You can’t because Drake’s busy salsa dancing to Hotline Bling, Em is doing commercials, Weezy is on and off dating Christina Milian and probably playing daddy to her kid (yikes) and obviously Ye is running for president and trying to keep up with those darn kardashians. This song will live forever in infamy for bringing the gang together, only thing missing is Jay.

Kewlest Lyric: Last name ever, First name greatest. Obviously.

Girlfriend (Remix)- ‘N Sync ft. Nelly. Obviously N*SYNC is the best band in history but when you add a little Nelly into the mix and a music video with everyone wearing knit caps, it really adds a lot of flava to an otherwise whiny song about how much they want this girl to date them. Kudos for them integrating the rap flawlessly and even throwing it back to their other top singles with “So tell your man bye-bye and tell him you’re long gone.”

Kewlest Lyric: I put ya so high on a pedestal, it might make ya nose bleed, So much ice around ya ankles, and watch ya toes freeze

hatsonhats

Get Your Freak On- Missy Elliott ft. Nelly Furtado. Every song Missy tossed out in the 2000’s was phenomenal but this one takes the cake when she remixes it with Nelly and we learn that a woman stuttering the word “get” can be so effortlessly kewl.

Kewlest Lyric: Who’s that bitch?-Me me! Nelly Nelly Nelly Furtado all in your stereo 

Ignition (Remix)- R. Kelly. Usually I don’t do this (support R. Kelly because he’s creepy) but go ahead and break em off wit a little preview of the best remix ever. Seriously this song is an all-time great, one might say the world’s greatest (wink.) On the other hand, thinking about a guy with a sexual criminal record saying he’s going to stick his key in my ignition…not so much.

Kewlest Lyric: Sipping on coke and rum, I’m like so what I’m drunk, It’s the freaking weekend baby, I’m about to have me some fun (Ultimate weekend AIM away message)

Lose Yourself- Eminem. Probably one of the first songs that I learned all the words to by playing it on repeat for weeks straight. Eminem could be a little scary sometimes, like when he was rapping about fans who killed their pregnant girlfriend for him but this is just a squeaky clean (sort of) song about rappers stage fright. Also not for nothing, but ralphing up mom’s spaghetti on yourself sounds like a giant mess.

Kewlest Lyric: Success is my only motherfucking option, failure’s not

Forever- Chris Brown. Mark my words, this is the only Chris Brown song I will ever wholeheartedly support and love, and I think that’s all that needs to be said about this. And also did he ever picture it getting a second wind from a bunch of white people dancing down the aisle to it for YouTube? Just wondering.

(I don’t want to point out any of these lyrics because they’re nice things to say to a girl you love and I can’t picture Chris Breezy saying any of these thing ever.)

Ride Wit Me (Explicit)- Nelly. I don’t know what 90% of the lyrics in this song mean. Naturally that doesn’t stop me from trying to sing along and pretending that I too smoke L in the Benz.

Kewlest Lyric: And can I make it? Damn right, I be on the next flight. Paying cash; first class – sitting next to Vanna White

All I Do Is Win (feat. T-Pain, Ludacris, Snoop Dogg & Rick Ross)-DJ Khaled. Another all-star cast of characters collaborating on a song that brings out my inner G. Emma Stone agrees, of course. Half of the rappers on this song don’t even make music anymore because we live in a world where Nicki Minaj makes millions rapping about her buhhole. But whatevs, cause all I do, all I, all I, all I, all I do is win.

Kewlest Lyric: My hands go up and down like strippers booty’s go

emmastone

Let Me Blow Ya Mind- Eve ft Gwen Stefani. Gwen has been a troubadour of all genres bopping around from 90s grunge rock to pop to hip-hop. One time my friends and I got our hands on some High School Musical wildcat temporary tattoos and put them on our boobs just because we wanted to be like Eve. It’s an unrelated story but also when am I ever going to be able to insert that into a blog. We were obv tatting ourselves for the midnight premiere of HSM 3:Senior Year. Did I mention I wasn’t cool in high school?

Kewlest Lyric: Don’t fight that good shit in your ear, Now let me blow ya mind

Money Maker- Ludacris Ft. Pharrell. I mostly added this song because it’s one of Luda’s more random songs but also because the lyric “let me give you some swimming lessons on the PENIS” makes me laugh out loud every single time. Essentially the whole thing is Luda rapping cringeworthy dirty talk and Pharell toning it down with his smooth beats.

Kewlest Lyric: You… you lookin’ good in them jeans, I bet you look even better with me in between. Yiiikes Luda.

Low- Flo Rida ft. T-pain. An iconic song for millennial fashion. Fun fact: one of my friends in high school owned a spicy pair of crocs with fur lining at the height of crocs fame and another friend expertly changed the lyrics to “apple bottomed jeans, crocs with the fur” just for her and I can never unhear that.

Kewlest Lyric: Shorty was hot like a toaster

Live Your Life- T.I. ft. Rihanna. Ah, a rap song with morals which is rare, especially for bad girl RiRi. What’s even better is T.I. is babbling about how he’s above all this rapper feud nonsense and then ended up in jail like 2 years later for gun stuff.

Kewlest Lyric: Been thuggin’ all my life, can’t say I don’t deserve to take a break. Same, T.I., same.

Touch The Sky- Kanye West Ft. Lupe Fiasco. This song holds a special place in my heart because I made a choreographed dance to it with my friend then tried to show it to my sister the very first time I got drunk in her college dorm. I didn’t know what being drunk was really, all I know is that I usually nailed the dance sober and after I had a drink, I stubbed my toe on the chair I was using as a prop and almost fell over. Ah, so young and naïve to the joys of booze and it’s ability to make me looser on the dance floor. Regardless, this collab was cool because Lupe made Kanye more fun/catchy and less into Jesus’ crucifixion.

Kewlest Lyric: I think I died in an accident, cause this must be heaven.

What’s Luv- Fat Joe Ft. Ja Rule & Ashanti. An avid and vocal supporter of the Ashanti & Ja dream team, it felt right to end with them, even though it also includes Fat Joe trying to tromp his way in for a threesome.

Kewlest Lyric: Ass is fat, frame is little, Tattoo in your chest with his name in the middle

fatjoeashanti ja

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 8/3/15

1.This week’s relationships that took a bullet.

gwengavin kermit-miss-piggy Perrie-and-Zayn rebanarvel

Bad news comes in 3’s. JK apparently if you’re in Hollywood bad news comes in the ending of every long-term marriage all in one summer. NBD but HBD. Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale as well as Reba and Narvel Blackstock (real name?) are this week’s we’ve been together for over 20 years but we’re #overit couples. Not one to be outdone, Miss Piggy also jumped on that bandwagon and was like yeah samesies me and Kermit would also like to promote our soon to be cancelled TV show for the fall so our fictional cartoon relationship has also ended. In much shorter term relationship news, Zayn formerly known as the 5th One Directioner broke off engagement with Perrie Edwards, thus hammering the final nail in the coffin that is his career. Hey Zayn, way to take a big dump on your life in the matter of 4 months, bruh.

2. Where there is death, there is also rebirth.

aniston-31-625x462

Jennifer Aniston decided this would be a good week to finally tell gossip columns to stop yapping about her still being sad about Brad Pitt and tied the knot with Justin Theroux in very celebrity-SURPRISE it’s not a birthday party it’s a wedding in our backyard-fashion! YOU GO, GIRL! Now cue everyone who wants to know why she isn’t pregnant yet because that’s the world that we live in. WHY DON’T YOU WANT KIDS JEN? I’m sure she looked stunning on her wedding day because she’s like in her 40’s and can still get it. Courtney Cox was her maid of honor, obviously. Rachel & Monica 4eva. Rachel and Ross…unfortunately not.

rachelmonica

3. Cecil the lion is now a beanie baby.

cecil

This is not really important news but if I get the opportunity to rant about beanie babies you BET YOUR BOTTOM DOLLAR I’m gonna take it! My grandma got my sisters and I a beanie baby for every occasion as we were growing up. I’m assuming she kept TY in business throughout the 90’s with how many small stuffed animals she purchased from them. Gams also told us that one day these would be worth a lot of money so we should take care of them and protect the tags because they are collectibles. Cut to 3 years ago when my mom couldn’t even get rid of our 100’s of beanie babies for 1 dollar a piece at her neighborhood garage sale (they were marked down to 50 cents a piece) SO ANYWAY, just because a dentist killed a lion that was beloved and everyone is suddenly anti-hunting DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN CASH IN, TY. The jig is up. Beanie babies SUCK, whether the money goes to a good cause or not, a beanie baby shall never be the reward. Kids of our generation should not be duped into thinking this stupid bean-filled animal will be worth millions someday, otherwise they might end up in their 20’s posing with their collection and special club-holder VIP card on instagram. End rant.

4. Drake is winning life. Not only did he DEMOLISH Meek Mill in a rap battle as well as public powerpoint humiliation, he also reunited with his Degrassi crew and gave all of us the warm throwback fuzzies. WHATEVER IT TAKES, I KNOW I CAN MAKE IT THROUGH. Notice that none of his ex-lovers (Ashley, Hazel, Ellie) made an appearance. Perhaps they’re scorned ex-GFs?!

drake-800

5. Watch some videos. Here’s the Zoolander 2 sequel that plays a lot off of the first Zoolander’s jokes but whatever because it looks funny and I’ll probably still go see it so the joke’s on me.

Part 2 of trailers/teasers, here’s a peek at Empire season 2 and ALL HAIL Cookie’s top knot. Even better news, it has been confirmed that Cookie will get a spinoff for all her fabulous glory. Yaassss.

Bonus: Remember Macklemore FT. Ryan Lewis? Macklemore had an oops baby and therefore released some new dad music featuring Ed Sheeran AS WELL AS Ryan Lewis. Give it a listen… (Note: Macklemore has prettier rings than me. WTF.)

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/20/15

1. Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton win runner up in July’s front page celeb divorce race. 

Miranda-Lambert-Blake-Shelton-Kissing-Pictures

If we’re going to rate the level of shock I was feeling at this announcement it’s probably falling around a 6, whereas my Ben/Jen shock level was at an 11. Ever since these two got married there’s been rumors of a divorce so that kind of paved the way for preparations. Don’t get me wrong they’re cute as shit together and it sucks that this happened, but in the wise words of my mother when she saw them at the Grammy’s together one year “Those two are going to get divorced right? They both seem like they want the spotlight and that doesn’t work in a marriage.” (Obviously she was forgetting about One Tree Hill…Naley <3, popstar+pro athlete=always&forever) ANYWAY it just seemed like maybe it wouldn’t really work out. RIP. Here’s hoping for some kickass breakup tunes from Miranda. Too soon?

2. Twitter Beef City, Population: Everyone. So like MTV, music videos and the PRESTIGIOUS VMA’s became relevant again this week in a big way as Nicki Minaj hopped aboard the WAHmbulance and tweeted mad shade because her music video full of buhholes (for a song that was a Baby Got Back remix) did not get nominated for video of the year. Anyway her complaint was that girls with donks don’t get no VMA love and Taylor was like excuse me but there’s no need for girl on girl hate and Nicki was like pshhh you’re not getting my point that I didn’t very clearly make in 160 characters or less and then the internet was like NICKI AND TAYLOR ARE PLOTTING EACH OTHER’S MURDERS when in reality no one was really mad at each other. They both luh and respect the other and made nice on twitter and Taylor told Nicki that she could TOTES join her onstage when she wins (cause she will.) Oh and also Katy Perry was like FOMO guys I need to also be included in this so she tweeted something incoherent with a lot of big words. Bai Katy. Go back to being a cheeto forever.

IMG_3998

Ed Sheeran and Bruno Mars (also best video of the year nominees) had a fake twitter feud to be like HAHA girls are stupid, let’s make fun of their petty internet fights. If you’re asking me for my opinion (which I assume you ALWAYS are) Ed deserves the W for video of the year. He learned how to ballroom dance like a BO$$ for this music video and it’s CRAZY good.

Although I feel like I recapped that fight flawlessly for those who missed it…you may reference the actual tweets below (well…the ones that haven’t been deleted, I’m looking at you Tay PR) for the full picture.

OH part 2 of twitter feuds this week was in the rap world, Meek Mill (I think Nicki Minaj’s other half?…apparently date night for them is calling people out on Twitter) got all up in Drake’s biz and ranted about how he hates him or something and that he uses a ghostwriter, which I’m not positive but I think using a ghostwriter in rap speak is like the biggest diss in America or so it seems. Also Meek’s pretty pezzed that Drake was featured on his album and didn’t also promote it on social media. Drake responded the best way possible…with radio silence. Drake OBVIOUSLY wins. Also if he does use a ghost writer I don’t want to know. I’d like to blissfully live in a world where a man who wears colorful knit sweaters also wrote this: “I got money to blow, letting these bills fall all over your skin.”

3. Miley to host the VMA’s. 

miley-cyrus-600x450

No seriously, I wasn’t kidding when I said the VMA’s suddenly became relevant again this week. Miley announced she was hosting in a very typical ughhhh Miley way and I’m not even a little bit kidding when I say that I might not be able to stomach an entire awards show with this tongue-out trashmonster at the helm. Not even for the blog’s sake. Never forget: the epic N*SYNC comeback being OVERSHADOWED by Miley and Robin Thicke porking onstage to Blurred Lines. So instead of encouraging this…I will bring us back to what was once good about the VMA’s and this is how I will get through my afternoon in the cube.

4. Brett gives us a tasty lick and other new tunes. Preview of new music from Brett Eldredge who I would looooove to have “just a taste” of. Too much? Too little? Just enough? Listen here. MKTO also snuck out a new banger pre-release style and it’s good shit.

5. If Kelly Clarkson sings Bye, Bye, Bye without choregraphy, did it even happen? JK I’ll cut her a break because she did a slower version but actually…how does one sing the words bye, bye, bye and not at least do the hand part? It’s physically impossible. Not to brag but I did this number for karaoke in my last week of college and yelled crushed it at the end as I threw the mic back to the DJ. Why did I crush it? Because I did the choregraphy. Duh.

BONUS: The Broadway version of Full House is a thing that’s happening and I’m getting all the uncomfies just from the cast pic:

FULLHOUSEMUSICAL_Official_1

Makes perfect sense that Michelle is the same age as her Uncle Jesse and also what’s so funny Deej?

And because I could never end on that note and leave you with Full House porn nightmares…please enjoy this super cute fat face baby pic from hunk Scott Eastwood.

Standard