Television

Emmys 2017 Recap

I used to do a recap for every awards show ever…in fact I think I had to physically stop myself from watching and recapping the Kids Choice Awards. That was where I drew the line, apparently. It was a very fine line. I recapped funny things that happened, or I would critique how the host did UNTIL Trump was elected and Hollywood decided that every awards show should be their personal political platform. It’s cool guys, you have your opinions and you want to share them when everyone is watching, it’s whatever. The problem HOWEVER is that for someone who doesn’t follow politics (this guy) awards shows have officially become over my head. Their jokes, their jabs, the over-exaggerated bits–everything flies over this dum dum dome, and therefore HOW CAN I RECAP A SHOW I DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND?! So to my true hardcore fans–I apologize for the lack of content. I genuinely don’t think awards shows are funny anymore because I’m not in on the joke. That being said, I’ve picked 5 things about the Emmys that WERE entertaining, JIC you also tuned out after the first five minutes of a song saturated by political commentary.

1. The Only Trump Joke I Laughed At. Obviously every late night host has perfected their Trump impression and Stephen Colbert hosting was a precursor to a whole lot of political nuances that I was prepared to zone out for. But then he read this tweet:

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And panned to Seth spitting up marbles. I actually burst out laughing. It’s the simple things that get me, really. What a great bit. Colin Jost’s casj straight face really hits it home.

marbles

2. Anna Chlumsky is the new Taylor Swift.

I’ve never seen a more overdramatic over-reactor since Taylor Swift owned the audience cam at every awards show ever. Anna puts asses in the seats when it comes to facial expressions. Half the time I didn’t even know something was supposed to create emotions until I looked to her face for guidance. She was shocked, she sobbed for no reason during an acceptance speech & she pulled a full range of weird faces while onstage during Veep’s acceptance, just trying to find the right one. Do 1000% less, Anna.

3a. RIGHT ON THE KISSER.

I missed this happening live and was so happy that it was on twitter within minutes. God Bless Twitter. HOW can you possibly kiss your co-star like that right in Keith’s grill piece? That’s some cold shit, Kidman. Like I get that you guys had a real, shall we say, intimate acting experience together–but like NOT a good look to make out on live TV. If I were Keith I would’ve popped him right smack in the middle of that stupid ‘stache he’s rocking. My friend and I sat there with baited breath through Nicole’s acceptance speech to see if she would even thank Keith because obviously we were convinced just from that kiss that she’s having an affair. Cheating is bad but like maybe Nicole sleeping with her costar is what Keith needs to clean up that hairstyle that he’s had since 1997. It’s such a horrific mom cut and it does not belong on his head. Just saying. This could be beneficial for all. BTW she did gush over her hubs and called him “my Keith” so I guess she wins back points for that. BUT I HAVE MY EYE ON THE SITUATION.

3b. Nicole hates Reese.

nicole-reese

Big Little Lies was my draw to the Emmys this year. Each year I watch one thing that’s worthy of awards and BLL was my golden ticket this time around. So I was extra interested every time they were on screen, especially because they made such a giant deal about all being women and how GROUNDBREAKING it is that women are lead roles in Hollywood, which I feel like has been going on for some time, but whatevs. I knew that they all couldn’t be besties like they kept blabbing on about so I waited for the weak moment and I didn’t really need to search hard for it. Nicole was up against Reese for lead actress in a mini-series and when she won, she kissed that husband of hers (at least it wasn’t Alex this time) and bolted up to the stage at lightning speed. Reese was sitting DIRECTLY BEHIND HER. All it would’ve taken was a quarter turn and fake butt-out hug but she didn’t even give her that. BURN CITY, Population: Reese Witherspoon. Then she starts her speech with  “Reese, I share this with you.” Do you though? And then proceeded to have a 15 minute speech that the DJ didn’t DARE play off. Suddenly Nicole Kidman is a power player? What is going on here.

4. The Pearsons are REAL.

I may be biased because Sterling K Brown delivered my favorite speech from last year’s Emmys but I also feel like he deserves a shout out because they played him off the minute he opened his mouth last night–yet let Nicole Kidman talk for an hour and a half. AND THAT AIN’T RIGHT. Before they literally cut the camera away because he kept talking over the music (KEEP PLAYING, BITCHES) he thanked his This is Us family “You are the best white TV family that a brother has ever had.” That just warms my heart. THEY’RE A REAL FAMILY, YOU GUYS.

5. Oprah.

oprah

I don’t know if I just haven’t been paying attention lately now that Oprah is off TV, just living somewhere soaking in her riches from the OWN network, but girl has dropped an ENTIRE PERSON in weight. She’s got some sassy dark frames and she looked like a real babe soda last night. CBS knew it too. They plopped her front row center so that everyone had no choice but to admire the O. Even John Oliver thanked her in his speech because “she’s sitting right in front of me and it seems inappropriate not to.” Everyone bow down to Skinny Ope. PS White is NOT slimming so it’s even ballsier for her to wear that whoutfit and still look SAP.

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Red Carpet

Oscars 2017 Red Carpet

Awards season is over and if we’re being real it kinda sucked this year. No one’s outfit made me uncontrollably drool because it was so amahzing and on the flip, no one’s was so offensively bad that I wanted to burn my TV just from looking at it. And realistically you know I’m all about extremes. Dramatic reactions or bust. Anyway, the Oscars took a sharp nosedive roughly 6 minutes into the show when JT handed that mic over to Jimmy Kimmel and everyone knows it. Here’s what people wore to this snoozeroni.

WORST

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

This weird panel down the middle of her top isn’t doing it for me.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Sweet butterflies, you get that dress at Aeropastale?

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I don’t know if he does this on purpose but like does he ever take a break from being Lucious Lyon?

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

This is so bad that I’m almost wondering if someone tried to F with Dakota and told her the Oscars were doing an ancient time period theme.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

If we’re being honest I discriminate against velvet because the texture isn’t my favorite. But also this polka dot thing is weird.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

That belt is from Hot Topic.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

I’m so confused by this afro wig situation. The top left looks like they finished putting this on her head and were like eh needs a little more fake hair and just plopped some on top. It’s a rogue fro and I can’t stop looking at it in horror.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Yeah, ok.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

I probably wouldn’t have hated this so much had I not seen the baby nub ponytail that Charlize is rocking in the back when she presented onstage. Threw off the whole vibe.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Red Carpet

Weird satin pants/skirt combo deal. Plus word on the street is she was paid to wear this and that’s some bullshit.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Nothing like a good front ruffle. Naht.

BEST

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Chad Radwell can get it.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

There’s nothing Michael Strahan can’t do. Swagger on swagger.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

PRINCESS DRESS.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Hair color is pretty woofie but I’m down with this dress.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Very close second to being my favorite look of the night.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Leslie Mann is crushing this color.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

You can pretty much never go wrong with a black dress and red lip.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Even though Taraji’s roll-on Bath and Body Works body glitter was v distracting while she was presenting, she looks hawt here.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Michelle literally looks like she’s in pain. Just ignore that and admire the dress.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Check that pocket square though.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

This is a momentous occasion. Nicole Kidman looks ACTUALLY GOOD and made my best dressed!! Congrats to you, grl. What an honor.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Emma Stone is flawle$$.

matt-damon

I DON’T SEE JIMMY KIMMEL ON THIS BEST DRESSED LIST.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

These ruffles are stupid but I would NEVER put RyRy on the worst dressed.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

I can dig the geometric neckline.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

I put this on here so my boyfriend wouldn’t get mad at me because he has a crush on The Rock.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Blue suit of the night.

US-OSCARS-ARRIVALS

This is nice. I seriously don’t even have anything to say about dresses anymore. It’s Monday morning and I’m sitting next to a live construction zone aggressively using power tools and no I am not ok. My brain hurts.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

SUMMER.

BEST COUPLE/LOOK:

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Hot Damn your boy looks good here. And he banged the opener so hard. Because he is perfect.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Special shoutout to Jess because I actually really liked this look and I always shit on her because she stole my man. Also couple goals that she grooved with him in the aisle. Timberlakes 4 life.

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Red Carpet

SAG Awards Red Carpet 2017

Pretty much the most entertaining thing about this awards show is that you can call them the SAG’s and everyone gives you a weird look and maybe a giggle when you do. Otherwise it’s just another snooze-aroni in secondhand awards shows. I mean, the SAG AFTRA president currently is Andrea Zuckerman. Yikes.

andrea

Because these awards are basura, the stars dressed as such. It was a real stretch to pull together a best dressed list. But I did it anyway, because I am a true American hero. I also accidentally got solo drunk during the show–and wrote this blog afterwards. You’re welcome, everyone.

WORST

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

Two thumbs down for the skin-toned craft corner beaded dress.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

Oh, ok yes. Parrots and sequins. So hot right now.

Emma Stone

I’m legitimately perplexed by this dress. Is the ripped part just hanging off of her body? I wish she just wore the underlayer.

23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

Actual eyesore.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 29 Jan 2017

I’m beginning to wonder if everyone forgot about the SAG’s (insert immature giggle) and stopped by the thrift store on the way to the red carpet.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 29 Jan 2017

This is a pillow case with puffy sleeves, essentially.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

Nothing accents burgundy quite like wispy cotton candy hair, is what I always like to say.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

Kimmy K’s number one stan as always looking age approps.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 29 Jan 2017

No clue who this is but there are no words.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 29 Jan 2017

I’m astonished that whiny B Kit, formerly of the Rockford Peaches, is still holding court in Hollywood, but here she is gracing my worst dressed list and winning awards and shit.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

Welp that’s it. I can’t stand behind Soph on this one. She matched her eyeshadow to her FUSCHIA dress. Woof city, population: Sophia Bush. Add in the gelled front pieces she has dangling in her face and we’ve got a full-on 90’s prom look.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

Couldn’t have completed this look without the matching whimsical necklace.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

This is normal.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

It’s not necessary to twinsicle it up with your hubs, Chrissy.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 29 Jan 2017

Casj hip floral arrangement.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

We get it, ERW, you’re making a suit statement for all red carpets this season.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

Pig.Tail.Bunz.

BEST

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 29 Jan 2017

I think this is the most covered I’ve seen Taraji. Suh elegant with a side of full boobs on display.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

Hair isn’t gr8 but this dress is alright. (We’re reaching here, folks.)

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 29 Jan 2017

This looks comfy.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 29 Jan 2017

Having hummingbirds embroidered on your dress is pretty odd, but Gina’s rack looks top notch! Three cheers!

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 29 Jan 2017

The girls are out to plaaaaayyyy.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 29 Jan 2017

This is one of my favorite for Sofia. She always wears the same dress to every show and this is a welcome change

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 29 Jan 2017

Julie Bowen coming in hawt with the risque!

23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

I’m mostly surprised that a YouTube star was on the red carpet best dressed but also she actually looks really good.

23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

This dress is nice.

23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

I hadn’t seen Krasinski on a red carpet in so long I literally drooled at the sight of him.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

THIS IS FUN!

23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

It’s weird that Jonah went from frat bro at the Golden Globes to dapper Dan at the SAG’s but I approve.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

Rock that off the shoulder trend, grrrrrrl! (It’s possible that my drinking game “drink every time politics is mentioned” has truly kicked in at this point.)

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

I’ve spent far too long trying to figure out what this jewelry sitch is.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

Purple camo yaaasssss Busy!

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 29 Jan 2017

Jazzy suit for the win.

23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards

This dress is fab, but due to the asymmetrical neckline it looks like her right boob is 1000x bigger than her left. Demz da breaks.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

Cla$$ Act. (I know it’s not nice to say and this isn’t even a little bit a comment on her weight because obviously she’s skinny as possible but black and white layered like this will always remind me of Willy and I can’t help it. #KillerWhaleBesties4Lyfe)

Fave look of the night:

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 29 Jan 2017

Being engaged to Landry is werking in her favor. By miles, this was the best look of the night. Subtle and classy.

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Red Carpet

People’s Choice Awards 2017 Red Carpet

Even though the People’s Choice Awards are basically just a big slobberfest for CBS and not worthy of a watch…I still wanted to judge the looks. Shouts to JT for showing up and allowing me to unmute my TV for a mere 2 minutes this entire awards show. And Blake Lively for declaring via acceptance speech that Ryan Reynolds is hers and no one else can have him. Preach, girl.

WORST

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

Did impeccable Danny Tanner pick out a suit coat and pants that don’t match?

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

Not only is this cropped pinstripe look real weird, but so is his jazzy feet pose.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

I know for a fact that Lori Loughlin has a bangin bod and it’s a disservice to cover it with a literal curtain.

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

Meh, CCB can do better.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

WHAT is this. Is it pants? Is it a dress? Why are her boobs a different color and fabric? SO many questions, so little time.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

Even though they lost their star member, Fifth Harmony is still sticking with the “we all wear scraps of fabric the same color and look like trash” for every red carpet. Don’t eva change.

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

I guess it’s fitting because her breakout role was in an orange jumpsuit but c’mon.

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

This dress sucks. Since I feel bad being so rough on Jenny from the Block, I’ll toss in there that when she won her award and cried and acted like it was an Oscar instead of something people voted for on Facebook, her pony looked sleek as hell.

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

A dress equivalent to the beaded seat cover of the 70’s.

chrissullivan

WHY TOBY?! WHY.

BEST

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

Host looking sharp AF.

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

I think I’m obsessed with this look. Like, might be my favorite of the night if Blake Lively didn’t show up and steal my heart.

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

The choker seals the deal here and that’s obvious.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Red Carpet

No clue who this is but I’m all in on this outfit. Also proves that I’m not a pants h8er when done right.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

Daayyummnn with the leather dress.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

Fun & SaSsY.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

The red buttons with the red flash on the belt, I see you, Wilmer.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

This is pretty scandalous with that sky high slit but CBS needed a little near cooch slip.

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

Fresh off his Greek vacay, Uncle J can do no wrong.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

Tommy Fre$h!

.43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

I love this more just because of the swish factor.

peoplechoiceawards2017pressroomakonvrwjpt-l

Yes, please.

QUEEN OF THE NIGHT:

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

SLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

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Red Carpet

Golden Globes Red Carpet 2017

Welcome to this year’s Golden Globe Awards, where the sponsor was double stick tape. This time I decided to change things up (#newyearnewme) by actually showering on a Sunday. It made me feel a LITTLE better to judge others from my couch with clean hair for once. Also went back to the gym and rocked a killer return-to-the-gym workout outfit. Both of these random brags about my life were specifically included to show you JUST how qualified I am to be forcing my fashion opinions down your throat.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

Sweet lab coat with a rosary hanging off it, Pharell. The black beanie really polishes off the look.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

I actually love this dress but I’m so over her hair being this short.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Pantsuit.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Last one was a pantsuit and this is a poop suit. Also, velvet, really?

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Love this dress, hate the hair.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

This is the Golden Globes, Jonah. Leave your kicks for the VMA’s.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

I get that Keri’s just trying to jump on the choker trend but pairing it with a Cheetah dress was really pushing it to Jersey Shore status.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Are these pants? Is there supposed to be a split down the middle? It looks like she ripped her dress on a tree branch or something.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Connie, GIRL, what is this?! One side tank, one side tee? Her left pit probably just gets extra sweaty.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

Can appreciate her going for the boobs out trend, this dress sucks though. It looks like something Kacey Musgraves would wear and that is NOT a compliment.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

No. Just no.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

It’s clear that I’m just hating the should cut outs of the night but also milkmaid braids on top of this made it 1 billion times worse.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

I’m a strong defender of the opinion that if Carrie’s legs aren’t showing, her look is garbage. Not only is she fully covered but the top is a disaster. People of twitter were comparing it to a vagina. Yikes.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

You know what would look really trendy? If we sewed a bird onto a dress amongst a bunch of chunky flowers.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

This is a bridesmaids dress from hell.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Sienna Miller comin in hot looking like Wilma Flintstone.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

The skirt part is ok, the top and closing the deal with a bedazzled bow really turned it all to shit.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Never a good idea for a white guy to wear a white tux.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

I stared at this picture thinking she was wearing white tights on her arms and then laughed for like 10 minutes. So that’s where we’re at.

emilyratajkowski

Do infinity times less.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Equivalent to taking a bed sheet and tossing a belt around it, toga party style.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Peplum AND a collar=barf.com

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

I don’t mean to keep hating on the ladies who chose pants but I didn’t like any of these looks. Not even a leather bralette could sway me.

BEST

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Even though she’s essentially the same color as the dress, Emma’s obviously killing it otherwise.

blake

Um, hi you’re the perfect couple.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

This dress is a little scandalous but not quite as bad as half of Hollywood going nips out so I dig it.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

This is fun and simple and it kind of looks like she’s wearing a tiara, which is a boss move.

Entertainment: 74th Golden Globe Awards

Cuba may have sucked as OJ but this jacket is where it’s at.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

The guy who does drugs and goes to Disney World cleans up real well.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

It’s like a painting of perfection.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

I love the shit out of this and then there’s just like one stripe of fabric on her hip adorned with pins that makes no sense.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Busy’s dress kinda sucks but Michelle is giving me all sorts of ideas for werking a ribbon choker into my lineup.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

The lip matches the dress!!!

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Preeettty sure I saw Anna Kendrick’s right nipple.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

The GOAT rocking Tom Ford and that’s obvious.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

JLD doesn’t age even for a second.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

There’s nothing I love more than when youngn’s in Hollywood dress for their age. BRAVO.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Dayyummn, Dax.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Why wear a necklace when your boobs can be the main attraction?

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

Natalie is channeling Jackie O and I don’t hate it.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

I could literally stare at her chest all day. ALL DAY.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Pretty sure Amy Adams has worn some variation of this dress before but if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

Yes, please.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Executive Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

This is the perfect princess gown.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Get it, Felicity!

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Not sure how Kristin became an E red carpet correspondent but she looks fab.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Shoutout to a fellow big booty.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

I wanted to hate this but I kinda can’t take my eyes off of it.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

BEDAZZLED shades to match his suit?! Fresh2death. Plus he’s got the hottest chick in the game rockin his chain.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Another princess gown that I want to twirl around in. I believe this was the dress that motivated me to note that I’ll be needing a 360 cam for my wedding day so I can do a slow motion spin.

ryan-gosling

Remember how earlier I said white guys can’t wear white tuxes? Yeah, this doesn’t apply to Ryan. I need to change my undies just from a glance at this pic.

BEST LOOK:

mandymoore

Mandy Moore coming back in a BIG way. She looks flawless and out of all the stars that went tits out for the red carpet, she was my fave.

No recap for this show because I don’t think it could have been any more boring if they tried. No one got drunk and made an ass of themselves, no one gave a funny acceptance speech and there was NOT ENOUGH JT. But seriously, as soon as I heard JFall was hosting I anticipated all of the great things him and JT would do onstage and all we got was a 20 second cameo at the beginning and the next 3.5 hours were JT dry. That should be illegal.

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Television

Emmys 2016 Recap

I missed the monologue (edit: then found it online and was immediately swayed to call at least one person a sneaky little crumpet-muncher this week) but I’m willing to give Jimmy Kimmel my stamp of approval as host because he’s pretty damn likeable and 90% of his jokes landed throughout the show. Even a Bill Cosby reference. Plus, his beef with Matt Damon should be old at this point but they found a way to keep it fresh. Also, he’s not Andy Samberg, who literally buzzkilled real hard last year. And that’s saying a lot since my power went out mid-show and I still missed half of his bits. Anyway, since my TV consumption pretty much begins and ends with trash, I don’t have a lot of knowledge of the nominees (except for People vs. OJ..prayers up that I watched something of “value” this year) but I do have a lot of snarky comments and here’s a brief recap of the 10 best things about the kickoff to the most wonderful time of the year—awards season.

1. Food jokes part 3. By law, there must always be a food bit at awards shows because Hollywood as a group, doesn’t eat. If you’ll recall we’ve already had pizzas delivered via Ellen at the Oscars and then a follow-up of girl scout cookies with Chris Rock. Kimmel went for a more traditional route by having his mom make everyone PB&J’s and I didn’t hate it. Mostly it just made me salivate for one, cut diagonally of course. Cin, could you whip one up and overnight it? Everyone knows a PB&J doesn’t taste good unless your mom has made it with love. It was a nice touch that Mrs. Kimmel also included a personal note in each sack lunch. I officially rank this bit above the girl scout cookies but will never hold a candle to A list celebs shoving a cheese slice in their pizza hole in evening wear.

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1a. JUice’s take on the Juice. As a part of this brown baggin it sketch, Jimmy also handed out juiceboxes and as an eternal fan of Ross’s tireless repeating of “Uncle Juice” for the entire season of The People vs. OJ, he fully deserved to be roasted via actual juicebox.

2. Claire Danes took a trip to the actual sun for tonight’s look. Unfortunately I missed Claire walking the red carpet but I can only hope that one of the interviewers asked her where she got her “glow” and then quickly answered for her “THE SUN?!”, Chandler Bing style. Wooooooooof to that spray tan girl. Double woof to an actual headline that I saw calling it a glow. That ain’t a glow. That’s toeing the line with blackface.

68th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

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3. John Mayer’s guitar face wins all the Emmy’s. If you’ve ever been a fan of J.May you know that he has an all-time guitar stank face. Since he’s decided to become an official deadhead and tour the country jam-band style instead of making new bangerz, I’ve really missed that pinched look gracing my TV. It was a wonderful surprise to see it before commercial breaks. The only thing that was missing was a T. Swizzy audience dance-fest cutaway. (Could’ve really used this for Hiddleston’s entrance as well…just sayin the Emmy’s was missing drama.) PS I don’t count moving the camera from Hiddleston to Mayer as drama. Stop being so immature, Emmys.

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4. Comedy females crushed the genuine. Kate McKinnon won supporting actress for SNL and Julia Louis-Dreyfus won lead actress for Veep. Both ladies owned the acceptance speech. Kate brought the tears but wanted to clarify that they were real, which is important to know coming from a sketch actress. Julia apologized for creating an environment where it’s ok for politics to be a big ole joke but then it got real dusty in here when she talked about her dad dying a few days ago. We should all thank our parents for actually liking us because I imagine that can be difficult sometimes. (90% of the time, for me.)

5. KYLE CHANDLER, YAAASSSSSSS. Coach presents an award for something that I immediately ignored because I was busy slobbering all over how good he looked onstage. Clear eyes, full hearts, Kyle Chandler doesn’t age. Then Kit Harington and Andy Samberg do a bit about kissing him and he gets a second moment to shine. Obviously I would give Kyle Chandler a million kisses but I’ll also throw a smooch to whoever wrote him into the show this much. It was needed.

Reunited. #Emmys #fnl #blurry

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And not for nothing but I would also give all the kisses to Kit Harington as well. Swoon city.

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6. Matt Damon makes me want to start snacking healthy again. Damon continues his beef with Kimmel by strolling onstage post-lose and showing that he actually can be hilarious…and also that he’s the most graceful apple eater on this earth. Seriously, when I bite into an apple one would think a horse has gotten loose with the chomping and apple spray that ensues. Matt managed to chew like a hot piece while simultaneously roasting Jimmy and I’m proud of him for it.

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7. Queen B lost, but Hova won. Lemonade didn’t win (middle fingers up) but Jay-Z got to write the COOLEST line a guy could give to his lady via acceptance speech. Sterling K. Brown of People vs. OJ won, and confidently closed his speech with the lyric “I got the hottest chick in the game rocking my chain.” So, like, he got laid last night.

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Seriously, it’s goals on goals to be called out like that. Then Courtney B. Vance tried to get all up on that, copycat style. And then a white guy ruined it later on…Typs.

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8. Ryan Murphy Isn’t God. Even though I was proud to have actually watched a show that won shit, I would never go so far as to say that the People vs OJ was the best show on TV this year. Either way, the actors in it snag all the awards but then when the series wins, they’re played off the second they touch the mic. To be clear, everyone and their mother talked over the music until it stopped and yet the entire cast of this show was like eh, ok and just let the insulting premature strings send them packing. Should’ve taken some notes from Aziz Ansari who got played off then doubled back once he got the mic again and gave his acceptance speech. Play by your own rules People vs. OJ. Bunch of squares.

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9. Tori Kelly slays. Her acoustic version of “Hallelujah”gave me all the feels for the “insert celebrity name died this year, really?” portion of the show.

10. Byebyebyebyebyebyebyeeee. The final acceptance speech via the cast/crew of Game of Thrones ended with a stony-faced “bye bye” from a writer(?) possibly director or producer(?). Listen, I don’t know a damn thing about Game of Thrones other than that everyone watches it and there’s a lot of sex and murder but the biggest takeaway is that Bye Bye is SUPER weird unless you’re a marionette and you’re tacking on another bye. This might be all I remember from the 2016 Emmy’s and I respect this guy for it.

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Bonus: As election season coincides with awards season, we should all get reaaalll used to the fact that all of Hollywood is “with her.” And the correlating jokes are about to get exhausting.

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Music, Television

Billboard Music Awards Recap 2016

I would’ve done a red carpet except that I only found roughly 14 pictures and I hated them all. It’s kind of hard to post a blog specifically to razz celebrity outfits when I looked like this while watching the awards last night (and all day out in public yesterday.)

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So instead I’ll give you the full recap breaking down the LoLz and the things that frankly were a NO (Meghan Trainor style) for me. YA NEED TO LET IT GO.

 

Yaassss:

The Weeknd won the first award and in his speech he spoke highly of Prince with, “I didn’t know him but I was close to him.” This sincerely made me laugh out loud.

Shawn Mendes did a supes emosh performance of Stitches that gave me all the feels. I’m already pretty sick of that song but watching him get down and dirty with it was worth it.

Speaking of Worth It, Fifth Harmony showed off how skilled they are at patting the puss Erika Jayne style AND dropping it low. They simultaneously showed off how unskilled they are at singing. Props for this song being a better version of Rihanna’s WERKWERKEWERKWERKWERK annoyingness though. And for suddenly turning at-home-jobs suuuper dirrrty.

Without even knowing it, I took a bathroom break right as Gwen and Blake were performing. So props to me for having a perfectly timed bladder emergency because if I had to sit through that whole butchering of music I would’ve ripped my ears clean off my head. We get it, guys. You’re together. A couple does not a musical collaboration make.

This is what Lukas Graham looks like. And this song bangs. Plus he actually sang it IRL.

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Celine gets the icon award and sings “The Show Must Go On” with a full orchestra and a champagne glitter dress. I mean it was obviously phenomenal but seriously, GIVE US THE HITS, CELINE! Billboard really banked on the waterworks by bringing out her son Rene Charles to present the award and she lost it. What a bunch of assholes these producers are. SHE HAS BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH. When Celine cries everyone cries. She apologizes and throws up a trib to her late husband. PS Her son is only 15, ya pervs. But he can give me a buzz in like 7 years.

 

The Go Go’s Reunion added some much-needed mom jamz into the mix. Watching those sassy middle aged women mom snap all over the stage was gr8. Also reminded me of the days when my mom would play The Bangles for us and we would crush the choreography. Meanwhile, every tween in the audience checked Twitter during this number.

Adele looked like a dime piece in the “Send my Love (to your new lover)” music video. Otherwise it was boring AF.

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Rihanna wore a furry animal’s tail around her neck and double decker sunglasses to do a slow jam in green lighting. It wasn’t Work and it wasn’t Bitch Better Have My Money so it was welcome by me.

Demi SLAY BITCH Lovato:

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Ariana brought out her bad gurl side.

 

Nahhh:

Britney is the opener because the show is in Vegas and she currently has a residency there. I guess I missed the part where she turned into a full on robot because her dancing was cringeworthy during this medley of hits. Lip syncing was really on point though. Hey is there a show where celebrities can dress up, dance terribly and not sing? Her body’s still tight as hell, so at least she’s got that going for her.

As new host, Ciara shakes her lady bits all over the stage while Russell Wilson nutted just from watching, front row. (They don’t have sex, guys.) Even Luda was like CHECK OUT DEM LEGS, GUYS. As he mopped up drool slobbering from his mouth.

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Pink tossed it back to the year 2014 when she graced every awards show with an acrobatic ribbon routine. Except this time she just whipped through the crowd on a spinning clock, touched onstage to sing her song then was lifted with a clock hand at the end. SO ALICE IN WONDERLAND. SO OVER IT.

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Tove Lo and Nick Jonas pitched their way through “Close” and then teased a smooch at the end. Tongue was honestly the only thing that could’ve saved that performance. Except Nick couldn’t even reach her mouth. Wittle guy.

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Kesha gives this dramatic and controversial performance (cough cough Dr. Luke) and yet WEARS A HIDEOUS WHITE SUIT WITH GLITTER DECALS AND BANGS. Like I get that it’s frowned upon to talk shit about this because she’s been through some shit this year but come on. Ben Folds tickled the ivories and she covered a Bob Dylan song. At least she changed it up and showed she actually has a good voice.

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Madonna sings “Nothing Compares 2 U” for Prince. Stevie Wonder then stumbled out for a little Purple Rain. It was just like…fine.

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