Red Carpet

Golden Globes Red Carpet 2023

I gotta be completely honest, when the host, Jerrod Carmichael, got on stage and was like obviously last year’s Golden Globes were cancelled because the Hollywood Foreign Press Association is racist as hell and I’m here because I’m black…I was genuinely shocked to hear this information. Not the racism part, the cancellation part. It’s only been a year since they got cancelled and it was as if I was hearing this announcement for the very first time. My brain is absolute mush in my old age. So I guess welcome back, Golden Globes!

I would be remiss not to make the one comment no one seems willing to make that may ruffle a few feathers but what’s a blog for if not to ruffle some feathers. The opening monologue called out the hypocrisy of an association that didn’t have a black member until the death of George Floyd and then hired a black director and a black host for its comeback…and then BAM BAM BAM the first three awards given out went to people of color. And I’m not questioning the talent of any of these actors, but I do wonder how legitimate these awards are when it’s clear the Globes are trying to make up for lost time and stop actively looking racist. The thought HAD to have crossed these actors minds. And that sucks. That’s gotta take away from their win. I knew we were really digging in deep in the ‘let’s show we’re NOT RACIST AT ALL’ front when Taylor Swift, Rihanna & Lady Gaga were all nominated for best original song for a movie and a song called “Natu Natu” all in Indian won. They weren’t even trying to hide it. So anyway, I’m not sure what’s better, an awards show that only awards whites, or an awards show that only awards people of color to make up for only awarding whites. All I know is I support Abbott Elementary getting the recognition it deserves because I haven’t loved a sitcom this much in a VERY long time.

But back to the real reason I’m here, not to drop some uncomfy cultural observations on Hollywood (which is still racist, btw) but to tell you if an outfit is eye-burningly hideous regardless of the gender or ethnicity of the human wearing it, the way God (Joan Rivers) intended.

WORST

 

Selma

Kicking things off with a classic pair of Golden Globes, heyyyyooooo. You knew I had to make that dad joke AT LEAST once and I’m glad I got it out of my system right at the top of the hour. Besides being punched in the face by Salma’s hooters, I think black straps on a nude gown is really tossing a “ma’am your bra straps are showing” trashy vibe out there.

Clare Danes

Honestly she had me right up until the bottom and for that reason I’m out.

Screen Shot 2023-01-10 at 9.30.09 PM

Laverne

This is something Samantha Jones would wear to one of her PR parties back in ’97 and even though every woman wants to be like Oh, you like Sex and the City, I’m totally a Samantha, in this case it’s really not something to brag about.

Jenny Slate

This is a tacky cheap prom dress. The color is horrendous and that flower accented by a spaghetti strap halter top, my lanta.

Clean it up, Jenny. 

Nicole Byer

Tonight’s edition of sparkly Hefty bag.

Daisy

It’s giving French maid and honestly if you’re going to a major awards show in peak season, this ain’t it. Even if that awards show is on a Tuesday.

Glover

Respectfully, no. Head to toe pervy 70’s strip club owner.

Heidi Klum

Is Heidi OK? What is happening here? This is Vegas showgirl in a sad way, not a fun way. Even her makeup and hair…who did this to you, bbgirl?

Screen Shot 2023-01-10 at 8.20.06 PM

Legit question, what is holding this dress up?

Screen Shot 2023-01-10 at 8.11.06 PM

We’ve always got a trend that everyone is jumping on for each red carpet and last night’s was all of the fabric. Between big ole skirts and trains and shawls and fabric dragging every which way, it shouldn’t be shocking at all to learn that I hated it.

Do less, God Bless.

Screen Shot 2023-01-10 at 8.13.09 PM

Ok, so do less than swaddling yourself in taffeta and do more than wearing lingerie. This should be self-explanatory but celebrities are a whole different animal.

Quinta Brunson

UGH I’m mad about this. She had to scuffle up that mermaid tail and drag it all the way from the cheap seats in the back, thwacking the chairs of A-list celebs along the way to accept her award. I hope this taught Quinta an important fashion lesson that every woman must learn on her own…a mermaid bottom is never the choice.

Lily Taylor

THERE IS SO MUCH FABRIC. 

Selena Gomez

Ditch the sleeves with rattails, buttercup. They’re stupid. (What I would say if I worked for Selena and she asked me what I thought of this outfit)

Julia

Right in line with the mermaid tail, we can tack cupcake bottom to the no-fly list as well. I mean, have I been screaming into the void for 8 years of red carpets now?! IS ANYONE OUT THERE LISTENING?! Unless you’re attending a theme party twirling a parasol, this is not a good enough reason to be dripping in ruffles.

Michelle Williams

MICHELLE. WHAT THE HELL. YOU’RE BETTER THAN THIS.

Eddie Redmayne

The sheer shirt and giant fabric flower made my panties dry RIGHT up.

Viola

Are you even rich and famous if you show up to a red carpet with the bottom of your dress sopping wet because it dragged through puddles on a sidewalk? I mean, that’s some poor people shit right there. You’ve gotta have assistants SPECIFICALLY paid to carry your train for you. I would have an epic Naomi Campbell meltdown if this happened. Anywho, regardless of her swamp hem, the tank on the left and tee on the right was a no for me. Either let your pits breathe or cover them up. There’s no “either, and” option here.

Michelle Yeogh

I’m not going to rip a fresh rant on peplum because you already know what it is. Mermaid, cupcake, peplum. If the style has a stupid name, DITCH IT, MAMA.

Babyface

Seeing Babyface’s bare chest under his suit coat truly gave me the ick.

 

BEST

Jeremy

Yes, CHEF.

Adam Scott

Had to make a real concession here with that stupid bow but A TWO-TONED TEAL SUIT?! OH, OK.

Andrew Garfield

Oh shit that is fresh.

Tyler

My obsession with a tie dyed jumpsuit (I own far too many) translated over to this jazzy number and might I also add this pose is cocky as hell. One hand in the pocket, the other showing off your bling. Gonna pose like this from now on, just need some bling.

Janelle

DAYUMN that body-ody-ody-ody-ody.

Rogen

Wildly different approaches and I love them both. 

Abby Elliot

Adorbsies lil bump and top bun in a color we don’t see a whole lot of.

Sigourney Weaver

Sigourney took a page out of the “older women wear a sleek and traditional black gown” book and it’s a popular pick for a reason. Flattering and timeless.

Margot Robbie

Great wavy hair, lovely soft pink tone and fun little twist with the lace bottom.

Chloe Flower

Don’t get me wrong, this falls into the too much fabric category and overall is stupid HOW-EV-ER, to be fair, if you’re going to hop on a dumb trend that you’ll regret in a year, one thing you’ll NEVER regret is showcasing your stemz at their peak. I support this move wholeheartedly. Let those gams breathe! (As it turns out this was the show’s pianist and she probably wore this style so she could have legs free to shove under a piano and pump those pedals but I hope she reads this and knows how hot her legs are and they shouldn’t be hidden under a piano.)

Ana Gasteyer

I kinda feel like they did Ana dirty with this picture as it looks like a low angle, which we all know should be illegal. But shocking to no one I would die for this color combo. GIMME ALL THE OCEAN TONES. SUFFOCATE ME WITH THEM. Too far? Probably. Nothing new here.

Kaley Cuoco

Another bun/bump duo! Was this a requirement? Hey if you’re pregnant you must also do a top bun to accentuate that you have a BUN in the oven. Get it?! Props for the purple princess gown. 

Jeremy Pope

Ohhhh yeah this is FIERCE.

Jessica Chastain

Kinda suprised myself with liking this one because on more than one occasion, I’ve spent weeks getting in my car and discovering new spiderwebs on my dashboard and in my windshield. And I’d clean them off and then come back to more the next day. There’s nothing more terrifying than discovering it’s an inside job but never finding the culprit of these sticky butt-string houses. I seem to be a real magnet for spiders wanting to ride around with me like I’m some sort of arachnid Uber. And every single time it happens I consider setting my car on fire and hoping the insurance covers spider arson. All of that to say, I hate spiderwebs but make a bedazzled spiderweb on a dress and I am SLIVING FOR IT, HONEY.

Ana De Armas

ADA was here for her role as Marilyn Monroe and she could’ve easily fallen into the Marilyn trope and had those yabbos on display but I respect even more that she didn’t. She went as herself and looks chic AF. (Unlike Kim Kardashian who starved herself then wedged her too big body into Marilyn’s historically famous gown, ripping it along the way, just so she could have a ‘look at me’ moment at the Met Gala. #PeopleDon’tForget.)

Screen Shot 2023-01-10 at 8.24.39 PM

I have a real boner for the floral details on this dress.

Sheryl

THIS IS A MOMENT. Hair, makeup, majestic purple glamour all on point.

Glen

Obviously all of the love is for that babe soda Glen for wearin’ that suit. The ruffle skirt on his arm candy can die away from me.

Screen Shot 2023-01-10 at 8.11.23 PM

I’ve never seen a more perfectly fitted gown. 

Jamie Lee Curtis

Jamie Lee spicing up the ‘women of a certain age’ look with some lace

Screen Shot 2023-01-10 at 8.14.31 PM

Great red gown and matching red lip. No clue who this is but you nailed it, booboo.

Screen Shot 2023-01-10 at 8.14.45 PM

HELL YEA pastel suit from this young chap. Off to a great start with your style career, junior.

Screen Shot 2023-01-10 at 8.15.39 PM

Another young’n, (no fact checking she just looks young) in a regal curtain-y dress.

Angela Bassett

Angela’s been around the block a time or two and knows how to give hand on hip ‘TUDE on a red carpet. I’m afraid to ever be on her bad side and also in awe of her glam. Mission accomplished.

Niecy Nash

Easily one of my top looks of the night. I really love this eggplant color, not so into the fitted sheet she’s schlepping around but it is what it is. The dress fits her like a glove and that makes up for the fabric ‘splosion accent.

Anya

Rocking this alabaster skin with a color like this and pulling it off is almost enough to make me stop baking my skin off in the sun every chance I get to achieve an optimal skin tone for neon colors. Almost. 

Jennifer Coolidge

Honestly Jennifer Coolidge can wear whatever the hell she wants because she’s an icon and was easily the funniest person at the show last night and she wasn’t even trying that hard.

Billy Porter

The tux dress is Billy’s signature and I’m down for the magenta version.

Hilary Swank

A BUMP WITH A BUMP. Ok, I’m not imagining it here, guys. Pregnant women were exclusively told to have one hairstyle on this red carpet and I’m not being dramatic. She literally has a bump-it in her hair. The inconveniently long ribbons pulling behind her are dumb but she makes up for it by stuntin those pockets all over you hoes.

Hannah

What an all-around fabulous look and another fave of mine from the night.

Jean Smart

I don’t make the rules, I just point them out to the world and occasionally laugh at them but for realz every actress above the age of 55 was told to wear a black long-sleeve gown. On the one hand, you can’t possibly look bad in that and on the other hand, I feel like they should be offended that they reach AARP age and suddenly have to dress like they’re attending their own funeral. Regardless, Jean looks gr8. 

Seeborn

We’re starting to lose it here, folks. Fun peek behind the curtain that is The Salty Ju, although these blogs are read and appreciated by a very small sample sale of people, I put more effort into them than I do my full-time job. When I do a red carpet I start collecting pictures when the show starts, work on it while I watch, sipping wine to keep me awake past my bedtime, and I don’t finish writing these stupid lil captions until the awards show has concluded. That’s about three and a half hours for the mathematicians at home. And then I wake up the next morning and edit to correct any of my sloppy mistakes before publishing it by 9am. So, next time you make fun of my blog, make sure you laugh extra hard at how many precious minutes I spend crafting these silly words that nearly no one reads. I may devote way too much time to a red carpet but I ALWAYS appreciate a bold floral and lip.

Odenkirk

Ending on a REAL high note because if you don’t root for a guy who gives a strong point as his red carpet pose then you must have a giant dump in your pants. This makes me so happy and the cherry on top is that he looks fresh to death while he cocks that finger gun, locked and loaded. Hoping for dubz gunz at the Oscars.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

Ortega

Let the records show that I was a fan of MANY looks on this red carpet (for anyone who dumps all over my harsh fashion dumping…say dump again) but this one stuck with me throughout this very professional fashion critique. Jenna is just twenty years old, a lil baby, and she’s crushing this very mature look. Great color for her skin tone and hair, minimal jewels so as not to take away from her ROCKIN bod. If I could go back in time to 20 years old I would also be poppin my midriff all over the joint. I’d smash my 20-year-old body in everyone’s grillpiece. Cause little known trade secret, your body just gets WORSE AND WORSE with each year that comes until eventually it’s a flabby and wrinkled outershell of what it used to be. Women should be required to take all of the nudes in their early twenties to document that shit. It’s all downhill from there! But I digress. CONGRATS ON YOUR ABS AND BEAUTY AND FASHION CHOICES, JENNA! Proud of you.

Standard
Red Carpet

Emmys 2022

I gotta be honest I didn’t know the Emmys were last night until I did my typical dinner-time IG scroll and saw red carpet looks. I’m embarrassed to admit that but I like to always keep it real here and the truth is I think I’m getting too old for this shit?! These days Taylor Swift drops a brand new album announcement at midnight after an awards show that I finally realized I’ve aged out of (VMA’s) and I don’t know about it because I’ve been snug as a bug in a rug fast asleep since 10pm. I am ashamed that I’ve fallen off and I will spend this awards season clinging on for dear life. IT’S NOT MY TIME TO GO QUIETLY INTO THE NIGHT YET.

WORST.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.26.55 PM

I love mint as much as the next basic bitch but this pastel cupcake gown is TOO MUCH. It’s like when everyone in the 80’s thought it was chic to wear a hat and white gloves on their wedding day. The time has passed, bb.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.27.32 PM

This hair is unforgivable. Jean Smart looks great and has kept it TOIGHT, but my god is that an old lady updo. I can literally smell the aqua net just looking at this photo.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.27.45 PM

Oh honey, you get that on SHEIN? Use that free shipping code?

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.28.42 PM

I’m gonna be real contradictory when you get to the best dressed and see some white lewks on there but this screamed geekburger to me. I know he’s trying to be chic with his bleached hair and clear framed glasses but it’s all just making me wanna scream NERD. And black loafers to finish it off. Woof.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.26.26 PM

AH MY EYES! MY EYES!!!! This color is loud and puketastic to begin with and then a translucent human being was like lemme give it a try though, bet I can make it work. 

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.27.19 PM

What fresh hell is combining black tights & heels with a cream gown? And the JoAnn Fabrics flowers hot glued to it really are the pièce de résistance.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.30.24 PM

Alright Julia is trolling a fellow Julia here, right? Like this is a perfectly crafted prank for my red carpet blog. Setting up a BELLY BUTTON DIAMOND HOLE IN THE MIDDLE OF A DRESS. I repeat, A DIAMOND CUTOUT WITH THE BELLY BUTTON DEAD CENTER AS THE MAIN EVENT. ARE YA KIDDING ME, HOMEGURL? I literally cannot even begin to break down the rest of this outfit because BeLLy BuTtOn.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.32.01 PM

Oh get the hell out of here ole placemat over your shoulders lookin’ ass.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.32.30 PM

Those hard flares really threw me for a loop, I’m not gonna lie. And the tiny jacket.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.34.18 PM

I hated this when I first saw it and then it caught the light when she was onstage and the top loofah ruffle has a plastic shine to it and that reignited my hate.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.34.47 PM

This is a preschool ballet recital costume and you will never be able to convince me otherwise. Grow up, Kaley.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.18.03 PM

There is a time and a place for this outfit and that time is never and that place is nowhere.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.21.07 PM

It’s the v-neck of feathers for me, dawg.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.21.15 PM

I’ll give a million bucks to the person who can locate this good sir’s legs and/or ankles somewhere in this sea of pantaloon fabric.

Look, if your outfit compels me to google “pink outfit lady from Harry Potter” ya know it’s gonna be on the worst dressed list.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.13.50 PM

Peplum and tiered skirts need to DIE AWAY FROM ME because they are HIDEOUS.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.11.23 PM

No thanks to the pinned and curled hair and her cape/gown situation looks like a vagina. Sorry, not sorry.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.12.40 PM

Connie did us all REAL dirty by pulling those luscious locks out of sight. Gurlfrand, your hair is PERFECTION and you’re gonna hide it from us?! RUDE. Also, the dress and cape look cheap AF and we know Connie is TV royalty and will spare no expense for a red carpet look so this is really an off year for her.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.11.58 PM

Please scroll up and see my fury for peplum and tiered ruffles because THIS DRESS WENT AND DID BOTH. Puke city, population: me.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.49.04 PM

Black and white gowns will not hesitate to liken you to a killer whale even if you’re the skinniest person alive and I don’t know how no one has learned this yet. Also she’s about 4 inches from a belly button cutout and ENOUGH IS ENOUGH WITH THE MIDSECTION PEEPHOLES.

 

Not Worst But Also Not Best

I was conflicted on enough looks to create this fun middle category this time around. (AKA something pissed me off about each look to disqualify from best dressed, but they weren’t diamond belly cutout status.)

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.48.38 PM

This is super boring but she looks good. And LOLZ to the Kristin Cavallari 2004 black choker.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.31.51 PM

I would L-O-V-E this dress if it didn’t have a lumpy butt cape attached to it.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.30.54 PM

She looks good but we can definitely just snip snip that netting at the top because it is supes unnecessary. Also kinda would’ve respected her more if she showed up in a white button down with sloppy hair & red lip and spoke in the Elizabeth Holmes low octave monotone in her acceptance speech. 

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.30.45 PM

Very into the color of this dress and the way her boobs stand at attention perfectly as if she’s got a wax figurine rack. Very not into the slicked back bun and whatever jingle jangles were glued all over this dress.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.30.36 PM

This is kind of a bitchy post (what’s new) but if everyone is going to SLOBBER all over Zendaya and her fashion sense, wearing a plain black gown with a high pony is a real low-risk snoozeroni. Naturally she looks beautiful and you can’t go wrong with a classic black ball gown but also not impressed and I better not see ONE SINGLE think piece on Zendaya’s high brow fashion choices here.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.21.27 PM

She’s not posing at a great angle here but I’ve always had a “that’s enough” attitude toward unnaturally high slits. A rhinestone pony though? Hell yea, chick! My humble opinion on her look went right into the trash when she won and got up onstage and BELTED. Queen owned the stage and she can wear whatever the hell she wants.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.20.40 PM

I’m obsessed with a Barbie pink as much as the next Elle Woods but haven’t been a fan of the variations of matronly blazer dress that we’ve seen in this shade so far this year.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.17.46 PM

A Jessica Rabbit moment that would’ve KILLED with soft waves and WHY IS EVERYONE PULLING THEIR HAIR BACK HONESTLY MIDAS WHALE JUST WEAR A BASEBALL CAP IF WE’RE GOING TO KEEP SLICKIN IT UP.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.25.53 PM

SEE ABOVE HAIR RANT.

 

BEST

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.23.28 PM

God I hope this material is like shapewear and slurps it all in because I can’t even imagine having a midsection that cinched. Lily probably doesn’t eat cheese.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.23.56 PM

S’cute for Chris to bring his daughter and for that daughter to not ruin this special moment by dressing like a hooch. Supes heartwarming in this day and age.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.25.39 PM

Purple is having a moment right now ever since Miss Flo blew up Venice with a sassy poutfit so let’s all get down with this sparkle suit.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.27.10 PM

Obviously we need to address the areola(s) in the room first. I can really only see one, but I imagine both are peeking out. I encourage nipple coverage when there is flash photography involved but I’d be a real a*hole to throw this one away over a little highbeam situation. Dress, hair and red lip are stunning but maybe slap on some pasties next time.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.28.32 PM

Amy wears a basic primary color dress pretty much every year (much like Reese) and still looks like a babe soda so I accept.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.29.05 PM

Ooh YES I live for a coordinated handbag moment.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.26.43 PM

Chessie is an American Treasure and she could’ve worn a curtain from the parlor of the East Wing with a bejeweled belt and a seashell clutch and I’d still bow down. Cause that’s what she did. But damnit if she’s PULLING IT OFF.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.30.17 PM

Love the colors of this dress and the longsleeve curveball. Plus ever since I unfollowed Chrissy on all social media, I’ve become much less hostile toward her. 

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.29.21 PM

Don’t know what the hell this side tie is but it’s working for him.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.32.44 PM

I mean, come on. It’s actually unfair how hot she looks. DAYUMMNNNNNNN.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.33.58 PM

This is a restitution pick. For the almost 8 years (yoikes) that I’ve had this blog, I’ve ripped apart Maggie Gyllenhaal on the red carpet each and every time. And it’s time for me to throw her a frickin bone. She looks good here. Her brother is still a butthole and I’ll remember it all too well forever, but Maggie, good job.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.34.37 PM

Reese kills it every time but I’m loving this little spice in the dress pattern. Get down with your bad self, Reese, branching out from the plain gown.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.35.01 PM

I am mesmerized by this dress. It’s not the most flattering shape but I can’t stop staring at it. Really wish I could get my digits on it for a pet cause I gotta know what the texture is like. What it looks like is a hard shell that she’s clunking around and we really should be allowed to just show up to the red carpet and get a grab in for research purposes.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.35.37 PM

Can’t explain it. Don’t know why. But this look is doing it for me. He’s essentially wearing the black version of the outfit that I roasted on Seth Rogen but WHAT A DIFFERENCE color and a cool sexy stare with tousled hair makes. Oh yeah you put that hand in your pocket, Adam.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.16.45 PM

Equally as into the nude and black combo. Basically the next portion of this list is just me horning it up over men’s fash.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.21.55 PM

Andrew’s giving off real Malibu Barbie hits Hollywood vibes in this casj cream suit.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.11.30 PM

Host of the show got the purple memo.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.11.49 PM

Sexy lil snakeskin coat.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.11.39 PM

Again, TOTAL CONTRADICTION cause Seth in this trend is yucky, but Cousin Greg looks suave as hell and I don’t even care that he tossed on black shoes with a whoutfit. 

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.13.06 PM

SERVING that pattern.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.12.56 PM

Bob was literally at death’s door like 4 months ago and he’s really lookin chic here.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.12.24 PM

GORGE.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.12.15 PM

This man wears a classic black tux like nobody’s biz.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.12.08 PM

Wooooo buddy, the cast of Ted Lasso sure knows how to dress.

Screen Shot 2022-09-12 at 9.13.14 PM

V. flattering style and just enough pizazz not to make it boring. The queen of TV really nailed it.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

I guess I’ve matured out of the days when my sister and I would see a brown outfit and call it a poop suit because Quinta was the clear winner of the night for me. Not only am I a fan of Abbott Elementary and was excited when she won, but my girl ate that. (For those of you OLDS, that’s what the kids these days say when someone looks good, according to my sources.) Makeup and hair on point, coordinated shoes and jewels, plus a leg moment and I’m very captivated by that candy wrapper shiny texture on the bodice. Top to bottom beaut.

Standard
Red Carpet

Oscars Red Carpet 2022

We take what we can get for awards season now…this cold hard truth not only applies to the drought of red carpets nowadays but also the three raggedy ass hosts they cobbled together for this awards show. One, that I might add, operated perfectly fine without a host at all in previous years and no one even missed irrelevant comedians telling the obvious ‘Leonardo Dicaprio only dates younger’ jokes and terribly unfunny bits. And even though the job has been done by one or sometimes none, we had three women last night trying to entertain us and make us laugh and the show was painfully boring up until Will Smith cold cocked Chris Rock for making a joke about his wife being GI Jane (she is bald due to alopecia.) I only know that this happened because of Twitter. ABC cut the whole thing then everyone went ahead and kept it moving like dad didn’t just hit mom at the dinner table. Nothin like covering up a physical fight on live TV! But don’t worry, whoever Will Smith blew at the network continued to cover his ass when he accepted an award later on and proceeded to blubber onstage about protecting his family and the things we do for love. He got a REAL nice edit as we basically watched a screensaver instead of him snotting up all the boogs in a tight closeup. They also allowed him to basically word vomit and slobber for as long as he pleased without playing him off. So here’s the deal…if we’re going to be deprived of awards shows, the few that we get better have as much drama as an episode of Below Deck and the next time a network tries to cut out and cover it up, heads are gonna roll. GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT. Anyway, here’s how everyone dressed for the celebrity smackdown of ’22.

WORST.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 8.10.48 PM

It’s the puffy sleeves and black lace gloves for me. Also sweet black briefs.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 8.12.14 PM

Did she for realsies tie the top of her dress like it’s a dog poop bag full of turds?

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 8.19.07 PM

WHAT IN THE GOTHIC HELL IS THIS, MAGGIE?! Magpie played it real safe at the SAG’s only to show up at the biggest red carpet stage with hieroglyphics pinned all over her damn body.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 8.19.27 PM

We are an excited wave away from those knockers bustin through for a meet and greet.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 8.11.09 PM

I very much love Billie’s hair. Neon green should never be a color choice for luscious locks and I’m so glad she’s gotten herself out of that alien silk jammies and two-toned hair phase. hOwEvEr…wrapping yourself in a table skirt is no bueno. We’ve still got some work to do hun-nay.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 8.10.14 PM

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Mr. Superior Thinkin over here had the AUDACITY to grace a red carpet after he was dragged for 10 whole minutes in November and never even acknowledged it?! GET. LAAAAWWWWST. You think you’re too cool for the Oscars? You don’t need to dress up? Just go casj because you grew up in a silver spoon gated community? Those shoes organic? Boy, bye.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 8.09.34 PM

I mean we get it, Megan, you got a body that won’t quit. But I’d still like to see you in something that’s doing a lot less. You can still show off those stemz of yours tastefully.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 8.08.51 PM

These two make my eyes roll out of my head and down the street. I’m sick of them. I want them to go away for a little while and that was true BEFORE Will just casually popped off at Chris Rock for seemingly no reason (still waiting for a playback on that one…we watch paint dry for 2.5 hours and they cut the juiciest moment. Buncha squares over at ABC.) Regardless, shout out to my girl Kat for giving me the perfect summary of Jada’s dress: looks like she’s covered in green trash bags. I hope now that this press tour for Will’s movie is over, these two will moonwalk into oblivion and give us all a break.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 8.08.32 PM

Shweet plaid bow tie, Penelope. SOUND fashion decision. 

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.57.19 PM

DIE AWAY FROM ME, PEPLUM. I don’t even really know if this falls under the peplum category kinda looks like she’s got an inner tube around her waist but whatever you wanna call it, it sucks.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.56.20 PM

Well the good news is if your hands get chilly you can just shove them into your seashell pockets.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.40.19 PM

Someone please explain this wiener cover in the form of a fancy dinner napkin. What is the purpose of this? I NEED TO KNOW.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.40.45 PM

I gotta believe cool guy snowboarder Shaun White has more potential than a plain black tux. Really could’ve wowed us here, maybe even done a bold funky USA suit since it was his last hurrah at the Olympics and he gives us Men’s Warehouse classic. I do not accept.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.42.17 PM

Classic Texas Mother of the Bride or gala dress on Reebz. Sparkle and modest. I want something more daring. Yeah that’s right I’m now basically transforming my worst dressed list into bullying people to take more fashion chances. DANCE FOR ME, PUPPETS!

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.50.58 PM

Again, I’ve seen Jason kill it with cool looks. He wore a pink velvet tux with a matching scrunchie one year. How do you go from that to black on black? Is he mourning his separation still? Wrap it up and start making a fashion splash again, big sexy.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.24.47 PM

I don’t know if she was taking inspiration from Tammy Fay for this look but it should be illegal to take inspiration from a woman who tattooed lip liner onto her face. This is all sorts of glimmery garbage. If the store Justice (or Limited Too for all y’all elder millennials like me) made grown up clothes this would be it.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.25.21 PM

Excuse me sir, but there is absolutely no excuse to be flashing your pre-pubescent hairless chest on a red carpet. 

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.27.47 PM

This is a priest robe and I’ll be having none of your blasphemy that she didn’t straight jack this right out of the church wardrobe.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.27.28 PM

Our Fredericks of Hollywood 2022 Edition.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.26.49 PM

We’ll just go right through the shopping mall lineup cause this is a Party City 99 cent backdrop.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.25.41 PM

OoOh, vulvas! FUN!

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.30.36 PM

Ok hear me out, what if we did bright emerald green which will really pop on the carpet. But we need something else, something that will really make this look stand out. BUCKLES. (this is how I imagine the initial design meeting went for this pukefest of a dress.)

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.29.02 PM

Red.Dot.Nip.Covers.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.28.26 PM

This is bringing a very medieval vibe and no I will never get on board with fingerless gloves no matter how often Paris Hilton tries to shove them down our throats.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.28.11 PM

Host 1 of 3 and this outfit is ATROCIOUS. What are we doing with the bows here, squad?! Is this the new loose pieces of hair trend? Anyway, congrats Amy on not only being one of the most famous comedians that everyone RIPS for stealing all of your material but also being the worst dressed Oscar host on a year when they couldn’t pick just one.

 

BEST

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 8.17.39 PM

Don’t think bleach blonde goes with this look but we’ll let it slide because this dress fits her like a glove and I’ll always have a boner for a perfectly color coordinated jewel.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 8.10.30 PM

Considering she had to beg for an invite via social media, I’m guessing black was an FU Academy choice but she looks like a dime piece so everyone’s a winner here.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 8.09.10 PM

Even though she’s the matriarch of a pigpen family who never showers, Mila sure knows how to take a whore’s bath and clean UP.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 8.11.39 PM

HELL YEAH WITH THIS AQUA JACKET

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 8.07.49 PM

Hot damn, Jennifer Garner is a perfect specimen.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 8.07.30 PM

I don’t think I knew that this awkward bird had a set of drumsticks on her. Who wears short shorts? Bella, where the hell have you been loca?!

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.59.04 PM

Andrew’s always got a little smoking jacket flava.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.57.44 PM

Would.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.55.31 PM

Host 2 of 3 also lookin kinda like a televangelist straight out of Righteous Gemstones but it’s working for her.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.59.25 PM

Kevin Costner living up to his DILF vibes. 67 years old and still rolling down the red carpet in shades cause the sun never sets on cool.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.42.39 PM

This is the true definition of an hourglass figure. Lotta RED HOT looks at the Oscars, pun intended.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.50.37 PM

How the hell did Kev bag an invite to the Oscars and the others didn’t?! Lookin sharp though, bud.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.25.06 PM

Ariana is straight KILLIN this outfit. Such a close call for best outfit of the night. But she won an Oscar and made history so that’s probably more important to her than getting my highly esteemed fashion stamp of approval.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.27.07 PM

Regina rounding out the trio of hosts that couldn’t keep the train on the tracks last night but important to note, the best dressed of the three. This gown is flawless and the color is perfect. Props to you Regina. You may not be funny but you’re well-dressed.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.26.32 PM

Don’t know what we owe this pleasure but just grateful as hell that these two kept their tongues in their mouths and look put together. Keep up the good work.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.26.02 PM

Gonna be honest I don’t know that I’ve ever seen Kirsten Dunst look good. Does that sound harsh? Sure but remind yourself what blog you’re reading right now. The good news is she looks stunning in this princess gown.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.29.53 PM

Rawr.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.29.37 PM

Red was the real winner of the night. Knocked it out of the park with this old Hollywood glam.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.28.43 PM

Smokin hot and much more approps than the twat twist at the SAG awards.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.31.13 PM

10 out of 10 for this rosy sparkle number and Nicky’s pregnancy glow.

Screen Shot 2022-03-27 at 7.32.29 PM

BARBIE PINK REALNESS.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

Zendaya is serving A LOOK here. God I wish I could pull off blue steel without looking like I just drowned my children in the bathtub. She is mean muggin the camera in boardroom on top, beauty pageant on bottom and I am BUYING what she’s SELLING. It’s unique, it’s flattering, and she’s somehow made a waitress white button down crop top elegant?! Magic.

Standard
Red Carpet

AMA’s 2020 Red Carpet

Oh look, another awards show that I CAN’T WATCH but any old with an antenna CAN. How does that make sense? If I have internet, I should be able to watch any awards shows. Those should be the rules. This is BLASPHEMY. But anyway, after I tried to steal everyone I’ve ever known’s cable and was met with an error message, I gave up and checked out the red carpet. When I saw this collection, I debated not even blogging it because it was slim pickins and those who showed up did not knock my socks off, but we just got red carpets back so the red carpet blog MUST GO ON.

WORST DRESSED

BTS

This is clearly a pic before their performance and it made me laugh out loud so let’s start on a high note. 7 guys who don’t even speak English and I’m 99% sure their songs are also in Korean and yet they’re wildly famous here for whatever reason. Only three of them have changed their hair color but the rest? WHY WOULD YOU ALL HAVE THE SAME EXACT HAIRSTYLE AND THEN ALSO WEAR THE SAME UNIFORM. Gun to my head I would never be able to tell these jabrone’s apart. They are one.

Screen Shot 2020-11-22 at 9.05.25 PM

Everyone’s salivating at the fact that these two are making their first “public appearance” but like once you’re whoring yourselves all over social media for months and calling each other twin flames, a paparazzi photo on an awards show carpet really does nothing for me. Fashion-wise, the style of Megan’s dress is weird as hell and I’m not down with Machine Gun’s metallic boots, Aladdin pants and featured chesties.

Screen Shot 2020-11-22 at 9.06.43 PM

This is quite a Jessica Rabbit lewk and I cannot approve this many bits being on display or a black part with bright red hair. I would say I’m too old for this look but Bebe is my age sooo…….

Screen Shot 2020-11-22 at 9.07.21 PM

Doja Cat wore her Hocus Pocus Halloween costume a few weeks too late. 

Screen Shot 2020-11-22 at 9.07.35 PM

These are like leather track pants and if it weren’t for the pocket decor, I might’ve let it slide.

Screen Shot 2020-11-22 at 9.07.02 PM

GR8 Color Coordination but this gave me hoard PTSD to the early 2000’s and homecoming. 

Screen Shot 2020-11-22 at 9.06.07 PM

I love an ocean theme as much as the next girl but one wrong move and this oyster is going to flash us her pearl.

Screen Shot 2020-11-22 at 9.08.20 PM

“Drown me in fabric but leave a slit for a leg moment,” is what I assume Ciara told her stylist to do.

BEST

Screen Shot 2020-11-22 at 9.08.05 PM

As host of the evening, I definitely have to give Taraji credit for going full speed at the drama with this outfit. It is quite a statement and you know I have a boner for sparkles.

Screen Shot 2020-11-22 at 9.04.59 PM

Y’all know I hate the just stepped out of the shower soaking wet look that these celebs die for, but I can’t put the most famous person on this red carpet on the worst dressed list. It’s against every fiber of my being. JLo’s worst look is still better than your best and that’s pretty freaking obvious.

Screen Shot 2020-11-22 at 9.05.40 PM

Can count on these two ragamuffins to bring the curl and the trendy suits.

Screen Shot 2020-11-22 at 9.06.28 PM

Don’t know who this cat is but he wears toight pants well.

Screen Shot 2020-11-22 at 9.08.51 PM

Probs my fave look of the night, which isn’t saying a lot but still a suit well done. Sexy and glam.

Screen Shot 2020-11-22 at 9.08.35 PM

Another pic that made me uproariously laugh. I think it’s funny because you hear Lewis sing and he has phenomenal pipes and then you see him in real life and he looks like such a schlub. And he really leans into that. I mean he looks like he’s running late for algebra. I love a guy who’s like oh I’m famous and supposed to do things? Nah.

Screen Shot 2020-11-22 at 9.09.09 PM

Since this is an ABC sanctioned event, it would be nothing without the latest Bachelorette. Clare who? Tayshia’s rack  and set of stems are here to stay.

Screen Shot 2020-11-22 at 9.09.27 PM

Bell Biv DeVoe reminding us of a golden era where fedoras and primary colors ruled. Smooth as hell.

Standard
Red Carpet

People’s Choice Awards 2020 Red Carpet

Lookie, lookie what do we have here?! ANOTHER actual red carpet?! It seems like Hollywood is back ON and I’m here for it. Woke up this morning to hear about an awards show that doesn’t even matter and yet here I am scrambling to show you these looks. That’s what we in the biz call, starving for content. Here’s what the celebs wore to a fan popularity contest. (How Ellen won her fan’s votes is beyond me…might want to have someone look into that because I wouldn’t put it past her to rig it for good press.)

WORST

Screen Shot 2020-11-16 at 9.27.25 AM

TROOP BEVERLY HILLS 9021-NO.

Screen Shot 2020-11-16 at 9.27.36 AM

You’ll notice this evening’s trend of wear an exaggerated pantsuit was not cherished by me. WHAT is fashionable about drowning yourself in clown-sized polyester?

Screen Shot 2020-11-16 at 9.29.32 AM

No to the dress which looks like it was purchased at Deb circa 1999 but also no to this pose.

Screen Shot 2020-11-16 at 9.29.47 AM

This dress is the most unflattering and also the same color as her milky silver-tone skin. 

Screen Shot 2020-11-16 at 9.32.01 AM

Oh ok, Dad. Did you get lost and stumble upon the grey (blue?) carpet?

Screen Shot 2020-11-16 at 9.32.13 AM

Again with the suits. It’s a fan-voted awards show with a purple/pink ombre step and repeat behind you. It’s not a corporate retreat. Live a little.

Screen Shot 2020-11-16 at 9.32.38 AM

Ok don’t live that much. This is a Jersey Shore dress and not in a good way.

Screen Shot 2020-11-16 at 9.32.54 AM

Brad looks like he’s wearing a pirate costume. I much prefer when he’s switching wigs on his Instagram to act out all of the Housewives drama.

Screen Shot 2020-11-16 at 9.30.51 AM

This TikTok star looks like she’s going to prom in a 90’s romcom.

BEST

Screen Shot 2020-11-16 at 9.26.25 AM

CHRISTMAS QWEEN.

Screen Shot 2020-11-16 at 9.26.40 AM

After I stopped drooling over that island-fresh tan, I was able to see that this outfit is cool as hell too. Very Euro chic.

Screen Shot 2020-11-16 at 9.27.06 AM

Oh what a doll Mandy is with that aw, shucks grin and holding her baby bump.

Screen Shot 2020-11-16 at 9.29.16 AM

Despite his hand hovering over his junk pose, I can always get down with the color teal.

Screen Shot 2020-11-16 at 9.29.58 AM

This does absolutely nothing for her figure but I respect the fact that Demi is the host and basically showed up in glitter jammies. She also made jokes about her engagement so good for her 0 F’s Given approach.

Screen Shot 2020-11-16 at 9.30.17 AM

You know I stan for a sparkly suit jacket.

Screen Shot 2020-11-16 at 9.30.29 AM

Love this color and the cool guy boots.

 

Screen Shot 2020-11-16 at 9.31.09 AM

Believe it or not I would’ve loved this more if the shirt was cropped and not hanging down to her mid-thighs like it’s a dress, but I can understand Ellen not being a crop chick. I still think it’s a cool outfit and something different in a sea of business separates.

Screen Shot 2020-11-16 at 9.31.22 AM

LAAAHHHVEE the red lace and lip combo.

Screen Shot 2020-11-16 at 9.31.49 AM

No clue what this outfit says, I’m assuming it’s probably a political statement because that’s how Hollywood rolls now, but it’s a good fit and her boobs are poppin.

Screen Shot 2020-11-16 at 9.32.25 AM

I’ve seen Mario crush a carpet harder, but it wouldn’t be in good taste to put such a hunk muffin on the worst dressed list, so I’ll give him a pass. 

Standard
Red Carpet

SAG Awards Red Carpet 2020

The SAG Awards is where Hollywood focuses on their *craft* of acting and boy is it so douchey every year…and yet still more tolerable than the Oscars. Since the actors were talking about themselves and their acting peers and how hard acting is, it meant they took a break from talking about politics and solving climate change by taking the PJ less. And I think I speak for everyone when I say that was a welcome change. Here’s what these fools were wearing…

WORST

Screenshot 2020-01-19 at 8.29.59 PM

Can we call this a dress or is it just simply floral undies?

Screenshot 2020-01-19 at 8.27.08 PM

GAWD JLO. I GET THAT YOU WEREN’T NOMINATED FOR AN OSCAR BUT THIS IS NOT HOW YOU REBEL. I went on a triggered rant about pieces of hair dangling in the face for the Globes red carpet and I GUESS SOME OF US DIDN’T READ THAT. If I’m going to read your weekly texts about your TikTok account, Jen, you can read my blog about how leaving chunks of your hair in your face is a trend that should NEVER EVER make a comeback.

Screenshot 2020-01-19 at 8.08.47 PM

I have been more than generous to Nicole this awards season and that generosity stops today. The ruffles are always going to be a no for me, dawg.

Screenshot 2020-01-19 at 8.07.13 PM

This is a table skirt.

Screenshot 2020-01-19 at 8.06.15 PM

Renee pulled this same shit at the Globes, so feel free to see my rant about it HERE.

Screenshot 2020-01-19 at 8.02.23 PM

I’m having a hard time understanding why the white gloves. Why is that the move here?

Screenshot 2020-01-19 at 8.01.39 PM

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO one sleeve

Screenshot 2020-01-19 at 7.55.19 PM

H8 to do this to 1/3 of the J Sisters (gag my face off) but this dress is tacky as all hell.

Screenshot 2020-01-19 at 7.54.19 PM

You could smuggle an ENTIRE HUMAN UNDERNEATH THIS MONSTROSITY.

Screenshot 2020-01-19 at 7.48.42 PM

Props to Patty for putting her knockers away but no thanks to this outfit. Those are some HOARD flares.

Screenshot 2020-01-19 at 7.47.54 PM

AHHH MY EYES, MARGOT! WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS! From the piecey hair (seriously ladies, why are we trying to bring this back?!) to the layered gaudy jewels over PLAID and cupcake tiers. Ugh barf all over me head to toe.

Screenshot 2020-01-19 at 7.42.37 PM

Honestly the carpet did her dirty here. I don’t think she was really planning on standing in front of a busy silver tiled wall and obviously the mixture of that with his pattern on her dress is making me want to claw my eyeballs out. At the same time, I feel like this wouldn’t have photographed well anyway. Too much, gurl.

Screenshot 2020-01-19 at 7.41.51 PM

Speaking of too much, this BOW. Does no one learn from other’s mistakes?! JLo pulled the bow at the globes and I spit right on it and how stupid it looks. You are not a giant present. The only time wrapping yourself in a bow is acceptable is if you’re completely nude and you’re giving your hod bod as a present to your significant other (sex stuff, guys) otherwise DO NOT WEAR A GIANT BOW ANYWHERE.

Screenshot 2020-01-19 at 7.39.07 PM

The top of this dress can only be properly described as a lampshade.

Screenshot 2020-01-19 at 7.35.50 PM

Oh my gawwwww enough with the tiered ruffles, already.

Screenshot 2020-01-19 at 7.35.20 PM

Hot priest or not (suh glad I finally banged out Fleabag so I can feel part of the joke for the remainder of awards season) this is a bad retro prom tux.

Screenshot 2020-01-19 at 7.34.42 PM

What a curveball for this actress but also nope. Suuuuupez trashy. I know it’s not the Oscars and these awards air on TNT but clean it up.

 

BEST

Screenshot 2020-01-19 at 8.28.10 PM

Does she age? The answer is an obvious no.

Screenshot 2020-01-19 at 8.27.40 PM

It’s the year of Dern.

Screenshot 2020-01-19 at 8.15.58 PM

Thank God there were no hair/makeup snafus this time around for Hollywood’s golden couple.

Screenshot 2020-01-19 at 8.14.23 PM

Sun never sets on Sterling K Brown because the sun never sets on cool.

Screenshot 2020-01-19 at 8.12.55 PM

This dress looks like it was LITERALLY painted on her.

Screenshot 2020-01-19 at 8.09.29 PM

The DRAMA.

Screenshot 2020-01-19 at 8.05.18 PM

Damn gurl.

Screenshot 2020-01-19 at 8.04.34 PM

Surprised Reese didn’t wear an Ivy Park original track suit but this is pretty edgy for her and I love it.

Screenshot 2020-01-19 at 8.03.27 PM

Not a ton of color on the *silver* carpet so I welcome this bright blue.

Screenshot 2020-01-19 at 8.00.43 PM

Damn Charlize is really coming at me this awards season! A silver crop top is not what I expected because I spend 90% of my breath trashing the youths and their crop tops but look at Char doin the damn thing! I take back my glitter crop hate.

Screenshot 2020-01-19 at 7.59.57 PM

A silver gown for the silver carpet. Now where’s her silver fox?

Screenshot 2020-01-19 at 7.55.51 PM

Close to winning my favorite look of the night for being colorful and also different.

Screenshot 2020-01-19 at 7.49.53 PM

Flattering and elegant

Screenshot 2020-01-19 at 7.38.38 PM

A golden shimmer in the eve.

Screenshot 2020-01-19 at 7.33.14 PM

I feel like men were really under-represented on the ole silver carpet so here’s a little floral spice from Dan.

Screenshot 2020-01-19 at 10.11.01 PM

Maybe it’s because I just had the flu for a week and inadvertently lost 5 lbs as I withered away on the couch but I guess I’m like really having a moment with crops and hoping to one day have the mid section to rock one (maybe if I get the flu like five more times) Pheebz did shout out her makeup artist for painting a six pack on her and it does look suspiciously like a bronzed mid section so maybe it is aspirational abs.

Screenshot 2020-01-19 at 8.13.22 PM

JEN WORE WHITE! Honestly Jen walks out of her house and everyone salivates at everything she does–She wore white instead of a plain black gown, she looks like a rocket (as always), her and Brad have been goofin on the carpet during awards season which has EVERYONE shipping a reunion (he CHEATED on her guys, WE DON’T WANT THEM TO GET BACK TOGETHER) and also true to history, she’s free boobin. After an in depth convo with my bestie about Jen’s nips, I revealed that I’m not really into perky nipz busting through a formal gown, but at the same time, it’s America’s sweetheart Jen Aniston and she’s been doing it since the 90’s. She reserves the right to punch us all in the face with her nipples because she basically invented the trend.

FAVE LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

Screenshot 2020-01-19 at 7.44.36 PM

Holy bananas she looks amazing. This is normally an outfit Meryl Streep or someone of the older gen would roll through wearing and I love seeing it on a Hollywood youth. A white power move if you will. Not to be confused with white power, which is very, very racist.

Standard
Red Carpet, Television

Emmys 2019 Red Carpet

Since I cut cable out of my life in the middle of summer when none of my shows were on and it wasn’t awards season yet, obviously last night was a real wake up call. I had to work the hardest to steal cable from my wealthier family members and then the app closed out during every commercial break so basically what I’m trying to say is appreciate this awards season content extra from my poor ass cause the struggle is R E A L.

WORST

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 6.59.12 PM

I mean, without fail, every time, we get a salsa dancer emoji on the red carpet. Props to this gal for being it.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.00.02 PM

This is a glittery garbage bag.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.02.28 PM

I’m so perplexed by this. Was the top an accident? Did they take the hem off of the bottom and then just bunch it up and toss it over her head like a bib?

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.02.50 PM

I wanted to be on board with this but it’s just too many things at once. Erect Ciny Lou-Who hair, ruffled top, wide belt/tuxedo jacket waist, cape, hard flares….WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN. Pick one of these things. ONE.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.05.34 PM

Ugh this is SUCH a Dawson Leery tryhard outfit. Barf all over me.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.07.06 PM

The Emmys isn’t really the time to try punk rocker chic, plz see yourself to an Avril Lavigne concert, Jenny.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.08.16 PM

I’m sorry. I can’t get on board with brown anything. This is a poop suit.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.29.54 PM

This chick came about 2 years late to the Met Gala “Catholicism” theme.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.30.44 PM

Holy boobs.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.32.03 PM

Ah, a classic outfit for when the seasons are changing. Cold shoulder for a little sun on the left, long sleeve on the right because it’s chilly in the mornings. Oh and why not just slap a pair of pants on underneath? Convenient.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.58.18 PM

80’s prom dress, clap, clap, clapclapclap.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.03.58 PM

I don’t need to see clear from your chin to your panty line or lack thereof.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.00.16 PM

I can get down with a good jumpsuit but I’ve already expressed my disdain with the gaucho style pant leg coming back and if I CAN’T FIND YOUR FEET, YOUR PANTS ARE DOING TOO MUCH.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.00.47 PM

The good news is we’re not staring directly at Alex’s erect nipples in a silk dress this year. The bad news is she still doesn’t look great.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.04.26 PM

Meh. After making Four Weddings and a Funeral appointment TV every Wednesday night, I wanted more from our gurl Maya. This also feels like a prom look.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.04.46 PM

Fine dress to wear to a backyard wedding, not an awards show.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.05.43 PM

Also feel let down by the new J.Law cool girl, Sophie. This dress is essentially the same color as her skin and it’s really not doing anything for me.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.34.27 PM

Wooooooof this bright purple does not go well with her transparent skin color.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.35.47 PM

Only these two a-holes would OVERDRESS for an awards show that they have no business being at. Also quick shout out to them presenting the best reality TV Emmy and having the crowd BURST out laughing at “our family knows how to make good TV just by being ourselves.” And these sweet, sweet idiots were confused when everyone started laughing. CUT TO THE NOMINEES, QUICK.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.36.39 PM

Again with the odd shapes just tossed on top. Is that a cape as a top? How does it stay up?!

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.01.44 PM

I love this color and her hair and pink lip but does the top piece not look like a saggy bikini top? It’s like Christina Long Boobs Applegate up in HERE.

BEST

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 6.58.55 PM

I was all set to make a Free Willy joke at first glance on this outfit but honestly she’s pulling killer whale chic OFF. And Eugene looks sharp as well.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.00.43 PM

WHAT A PASTEL DREAM. I die for this color.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.01.41 PM

I like both of these colors together. God, I sound like Taylor Swift now with Synesthesia but for realz I dig. Plus a jazzy plaid done right.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.01.58 PM

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.03.32 PM

B2B Pretty Princess ‘fits

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.03.54 PM

Oh Shit, Ray-J.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.05.04 PM

Classic

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.05.55 PM

Don’t really understand how she manages to appear at every red carpet ever but we all know how I feel about yellow this year as evident by my Gold Old Navy heels that I bought on clearance in July and have worn literally every single day since. Fun fact: yellow goes with everything. Says me.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.07.22 PM

Sterling perpetually looks fresh to death.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.27.03 PM

Everyone’s slobbering all over this actress because everyone’s slobbering over Fleabag. I haven’t seen it but she’s crushing in this woodland fairy angel dress.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.28.56 PM

Token blue suit that I drool over.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.29.27 PM

Normally I would dump all over this outfit because I don’t support ladies who attend a classy event with their areolas one deep breath away from busting free, but this is Mandy Moore we’re talking about here and she’s basically an American treasure. She’s got some sassy curls and she’s giving us good leg and for that I’m willing to overlook the near nip slip.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.30.18 PM

Suspenders thing is kinda wierd but this cooooooolooooooorrrr

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.32.47 PM

I would give my left tit for perfect ombre’d mermaid waves like these.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.33.15 PM

Can’t go wrong with a basic black gown.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.58.38 PM

JLD is such a babe soda.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.59.01 PM

Great color and style for Sandra.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.01.10 PM

One of many pink/red combo deals and I liked them all. Yes they’re all essentially the same exact dress accentuating different body parts but I’m here for it.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.06.08 PM

I WANT THESE SPARKLE PANTS.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.07.00 PM

There was obviously a two-for-one special on this fabric. I wonder if stylists get fired when they pull this move and put several A-listers in essentially the same dress. Someone let me know. I live for the drama.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.07.23 PM

YaAaAaaAsssSssss Kweeeeeen. (it’s past my bedtime so now I’m just reverting to basic bitch cliche phrases but honestly this really sums up how I feel about this outfit anyway.)

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.10.40 PM

He’s still a creepster but at least he dresses ON POINT.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.21.30 PM

Another nod to the fashionable gents representin’

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.21.52 PM

YELLOW. And this style is supes flattering on Busy & helps to distract from her cotton candy hurrr.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.22.34 PM

This is kind of a risky look for Michelle Williams who usually wears solid color classic cut gowns. She looks beautiful as always.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.23.16 PM

HOT PINK GET IT GURL.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.24.42 PM

My sister texted me yesterday and said she made about 12 leopard print purchases in TJ Maxx and wore one of them around the store while she was shopping. And I replied that if my entire wardrobe could consist of leopard and camo print, I could die happy. Something tells me Bonnie gets us.

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.33.46 PM

Zendaya gets the two syllable dAYYY-UmmNNN of the evening. I mean how could she not?

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.34.52 PM

What a disco ball!

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 8.03.15 PM

YES YES YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES!!!!! THE ONLY REASON HALSEY ISN’T MY FAVORITE LOOK OF THE NIGHT IS BECAUSE I FELT LIKE I SHOULD GIVE IT TO SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY IS A TV STAR, BUUUUUT, CAN I JUST SAY SHE MUST BE READING MY BLOG? I HAVE HARPED ON HALSEY FOOOOORRRREEEVVERRRR ABOUT HOW PRETTY SHE IS AND SHE DRESSES LIKE A HOEBOT AND SHE DELIIIIIIIIVERED FOR THE EMMYS. (ALSO SANG A PHENOM COVER OF TIME AFTER TIME) ANYWAY BACK TO THIS CLASSY AND BEAUTIFUL DRESS AND IT’S MY FAVORITE COLOR AND HER HAIR IS NATURAL AND PRETTY AND HER MAKEUP IS MINIMAL BECAUSE SHE DON’T NEED NO MAKEUP AND OK I’LL STOP SHOUTING. IT’S LIKE I JUST WANT TO SCREAM IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS THAT HALSEY IS A BEAUT AND I LOVE HER. THE END.

FAVE LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

Screen Shot 2019-09-22 at 7.59.23 PM

At first I just thought this was unique and cool, a shiny striped dress. Then I saw her take the stage and it’s all intricate beading. Making it 100x cooler. A lot of great looks tonight but this was by far my favorite.

Standard
Red Carpet

Oscars Red Carpet 2019

Here it is. The night I dread every year because it means I no longer have a legitimate reason to drink several glasses of wine on a Sunday night and pretend fashion critic is my actual career. The night I always expect to be blown away because it’s “Hollywood’s Biggest Night” and yet every year I’m disappointed and bored to tears. Obviously this year was no different. Every stylist slobbered all over the color pink and pretty much ruined it for everyone ever again (Except for Julia Roberts who skipped the red carpet but looked like a pink babe soda while presenting best picture.) Also I stick to my guns and refuse to crown a best look of the night because I remain McKayla Maroney levels of unimpressed.

mckayla

WORST

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

If we’re being real here, I gasped when I saw Amy take the stage. She looked like an unwell ghost and this tuxedo wasn’t helping her case at all.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Just plop a giant bow on the shoulder of my Barbie pink dress. It’ll be supes classy.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

He looks like a gay clergyman, which is a real oxymoron.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

OMYGAW. I brushed hair out of my eye just looking at all the feathers poking her retina. And it gets 1000x worse as your eyes travel south, much like this bird outfit should’ve.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I laughed out loud when I saw this because I was convinced it was a #TBT picture from the 2001 Oscars. Or maybe, 2001 school dance even.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

You know I can never get down with erect shoulders.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I had a shorter version of this as a sundress 9 years ago when cinching on dresses/babydoll style was kewl.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

OMG was there a discount on pink obnoxious fabric at Joann’s this week? Must’ve missed it in my coupon email.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

This week’s edition of is she actually wearing a dress? Not really sure because all I see is skin tone. Only way you can tell she is? I don’t see nips.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Alright, that’s enough. Like really. No more.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Is he robbing a bank or attending the Oscars?

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

SHAPELESS GRANNY, CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Your weekly reminder that cutouts make even the skinniest of minis look fat.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

GR8 Camo Shorts Suit, Pharell!

rami-lucy

I got a little girl crush on Lucy after seeing Bohemian Rhapsody and honestly expected more from her. Not a huge fan of her purple puffy sleeves. And Rami isn’t wowing me either.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

If I see one more hideous pink dress I’m going to rip my eyeballs clean out of my skull. AND SARAH PAULSON WILL BE RESPONSIBLE FOR BEING THE LAST STRAW.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

This is a fashion designer. That we all wore polos from in the 90’s/00’s. We trusted his taste in clothing. That’s all.

 

BEST

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

VavaVoom Amy! SPICING IT UP, FINALLY!

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I’m a sucker for a little sass in the back and Bradley looks like a classic babe as always.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

Sparkly and sexy without being skaaaaaanky. Well done, Brie.

US-OSCARS-ARRIVALS

I ❤ the color of this dress but the hair is a hard pass for me.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

Back to back moments with this robin’s egg blue for me.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I support anyone who wants to live out their Belle fantasy on the red carpet.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Flattering and fun!

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

The Isadora diamond in How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days is what made me want a canary diamond engagement ring and I’m still not over it. My 13 year old taste in diamonds has not wavered, which is why I’m blown away by this Tiffany necklace. I WANT IT. The dress fabric hips are real weird but honestly that necklace sold the look for me and finishes out Gaga’s classy run this awards season.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

Dug the headband and the fun bottom of this dress.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Even though the dress looked red on TV and I thought Helen had lost her marbles saying her and Jason Momoa matched, I see now that she doesn’t need to be put in a home and also looks great.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

A beautiful disco ball.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Love a good puffy ball gown!

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Matching lip and lace! And yes, she’s pregnant. Don’t feel like an asshole, I also questioned if she was at this angle.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

I feel like I usually see Laura Dern in the same exact long sleeve gown every red carpet so I ‘preciate this twist and she pulls it off!

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Every girl collectively swoons at MB Jordz bringing his mom as his date. She’s on my best dressed as a courtesy and because I thought it would be rude to crop her out (Earn your spot, Mama Jordan, no handouts going forward.) Michael looks like a stunner as always.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Jason is 100% easily my favorite pink look of the night. Right down to his matching scrunchie. Get itttttttttt. (Again, drama with cropping out what clearly doesn’t belong on the best dressed….Lisa it’s obvious you should see yourself out.)

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Honestly I miss Paul Rudd. Where’s he been?

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Was this the only white dress of the night? It’s basically a sheet cinched at the hip and yet Regina looks sexy.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

My way of including the guys who stand out from a regular ole black tux.

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

A vision in blue.

91st Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 24 Feb 2019

91st Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Honestly I don’t have a best dressed of the night because I wasn’t blown away by anyone and I’m not gonna bullshit for the final night of awards season. Do better next year ya buhholes. So in closing, here’s not one but TWO photos of a celebrity flashing the peace sign on the red carpet of the biggest awards show of the year like he’s a dad posing in front of the Eiffel Tower and not nominated for Best Actor (lookin at you Viggo.) It made me laugh. A lot. (Also peep Ed Begley Jr’s kicks for an extra laugh. WHAT ARE THOOOOOOOOSE?)

Standard
Red Carpet

Grammys Red Carpet 2019

It’s never a good sign when you see ads for the Grammys and the only performers you actually like are the host and Lady Gaga. The rest was a real disaster. As I once had to declare that I’m too old for the VMA’s, I guess I’ve now aged out of the Grammys too. Never thought I’d see the day. Never too old to get up all on that red carpet thooooo, so here we go.

WORST

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Lotta ladies going wild with the textures tonight and I’m not down with this pink ‘splosion.

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Cardi, or as my boyfriend lovingly refers to her as the seagull sounding buffoon, is clearly on this planet to raise eyebrows and make a scene. Job well done. But you look like an idiot. Also it’s laugh out loud funny that she wears a giant oyster costume and then opts for a nude strapless bra underneath. Just commit and go full seashell, Arielle style, or something equally as loud.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Charlie Puth may or may not flash us his goods in this trench coat full suit.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Heidi out here treating the red carpet like the VS Fashion Show.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

A triangle on your bod and a square on your head.

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Look no further than my roasting of Pharrell’s Elmer Fudd hat at the Grammys in 2014, or LL Cool J’s Kangol at every Grammys ever, to know that I hate a hat statement at an awards show. This is so ridiculous and stupid. I get it, you’re JLo, but no.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Holy Barf. This is like Anna Kendrick’s dress on steroids and with some silver boobs. What was the end goal with this dress?

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Oh, ok MJ.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

SHERIFF ARTS N KRAFTS, YAY!

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

If this didn’t have a chest fan I’d like it, but it does, so here it lies.

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

If you’re gonna make a big stink about how no one will dress you for the Grammys because you’re a size 8, which I find VERY hard to believe because if this is the case then why is Chrissy Metz on every G-D red carpet ever, then WHY would you choose the BIGGEST, WIDEST dress on this earth to prove your point? A size 8 isn’t big…if it is then call me obese…so just wear a bangin dress and show off your assets. Make the designers look dumb AF. Immersing yourself in taffeta was the wrong play here, Bebe. WRONG PLAY.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

AT THIS POINT JUST WALK THE RED CARPET IN THE NUDE. TU, NEXT.

 

BEST

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

I like this dress for myself, so complete biased judgment here but she looks gr8.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

I feel like Alicia Keys sneaks under the radar a lot but as I’m watching this show I’m remembering how she’s a total badass who can let it rip like nobody’s biz. She also has the most soothing voice on earth. AND she can play two pianos at once. What a baws.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

WHEN DID ASHANTI GET CLASSY?! Claps for you, boo. Don’t need to show the goods to get Ja’s attention. Just need a million dollar idea on Pablo Escobar’s island. ZING.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Y’all know how hard I’ve been vibin jumpsuits lately and this one has sparkles, so sold.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

I like the pink, I like the glitz and I like that Camila didn’t treat us to a view of her areolas.

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

YaaAAaAasssssss

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

These two literally swapped hair dos and it makes me giggle a lot.

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

This is a pretty and tasteful way to do flesh tones. Red lip seals the deal, otherwise she’s head to toe one color basically.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Shawn looks like a wax statue but suit is on point.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Miley’s so pretty when she doesn’t have a buzzcut and her bits on display. Well, fully on display.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Hair/Makeup not great but the dress is lovely.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Post Malone has worn me down. His tattooed ass face and weird cowboy outfits have numbed me. This is the best one I’ve seen yet. I like pink and I like stars, thus, you win this round, cowpoke.

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Yo, real talk, where the hell has Tori Kelly been? I need her to wail onstage REAL soon.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

OooOhh stripey, me likey.

FAVE LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

I’ve seen Gaga out here all awards season being so classy and trying not to let her meat dress wearin weirdness out because she’s being honored for a serious acting role. And I’d like to acknowledge that. She’s been looking like a dime piece and this has been my favorite look of hers so far. I have hair envy of those casual beach waves. AND on top of her red carpet look, she wore a sassy glitter jumpsuit (with matching eyeliner) for her performance. Writhing & scary face at the end aside, she’s really pulled out all the stops at the Grammys and I’m excited to see what she debuts at the Oscars. YOU GO, GURL!

Standard
Red Carpet

SAG Awards Red Carpet 2019

The SAG Awards were so boring that I changed the channel to Total Bellas. Sorry not sorry for wanting to see Nikki Bella handle a breakup with Ferraris, cigars and keg stands. It was worth the watch. Those Bella Twins should be up for a SAG next year for their top notch content on E!

WORST

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

Peplum should’ve died the year that it made its debut.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

Is this a dress made entirely of origami? LMK.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

Insert shouting emoji and clap hands WHITE MEN CANNOT WEAR WHITE TUXES WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE SERIAL KILLERS.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

Why is there a belt just dropped in the middle of her midsection?

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

Tonight’s curtain edition.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

Well this is tough to do. Because John looks like a dime piece. But Emily looks like a vagina. And they posed together so it’s only one pic. Which means Emily’s labia dress just dragged John down to the worst dressed list with her.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

I am so confused.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

This could be my jealousy shining through as I’ve been hitting the gym recently and I will never ever be this skinny if I worked out 24 hours a day but this look just wasn’t doing it for me.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

The host should really bring her A game and glitter applique isn’t cutting it.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

I love me some Michael B. but I cannot get down with the harness trend. It’s so stinkin weird.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

WHAT is happening here.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

Oh God this is bad. From the top bun to the chunky stripper glitter heels. Wooftastic.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

Girl crush coming to a screeching halt for a lot of reasons but also what fresh hell is this?

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

This color is great but no one will ever look good in a three tier cake dress.

 

BEST

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

Lotta love for the men tonight coming through with some fresh suits.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

Curveball, I can be hip and get down with leathers.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

Throwing CZJ a bone for those stems.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

I’m so into jumpsuits right now and Emma looks fab.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

A Star is Born Gaga is killlllin it.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

WHoaOAaa spicy.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

All black and looking hella elegant.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

Can always count on Mandy to look amahzing.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

I love anyone who rolls on the red carpet with shades on. The sun NEVER sets on cool.

FAVE LOOK OF THE NIGHT

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

I love everything about this and I’m not afraid to admit it.

Standard