Red Carpet

Grammys Red Carpet 2019

It’s never a good sign when you see ads for the Grammys and the only performers you actually like are the host and Lady Gaga. The rest was a real disaster. As I once had to declare that I’m too old for the VMA’s, I guess I’ve now aged out of the Grammys too. Never thought I’d see the day. Never too old to get up all on that red carpet thooooo, so here we go.

WORST

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Lotta ladies going wild with the textures tonight and I’m not down with this pink ‘splosion.

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Cardi, or as my boyfriend lovingly refers to her as the seagull sounding buffoon, is clearly on this planet to raise eyebrows and make a scene. Job well done. But you look like an idiot. Also it’s laugh out loud funny that she wears a giant oyster costume and then opts for a nude strapless bra underneath. Just commit and go full seashell, Arielle style, or something equally as loud.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Charlie Puth may or may not flash us his goods in this trench coat full suit.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Heidi out here treating the red carpet like the VS Fashion Show.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

A triangle on your bod and a square on your head.

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Look no further than my roasting of Pharrell’s Elmer Fudd hat at the Grammys in 2014, or LL Cool J’s Kangol at every Grammys ever, to know that I hate a hat statement at an awards show. This is so ridiculous and stupid. I get it, you’re JLo, but no.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Holy Barf. This is like Anna Kendrick’s dress on steroids and with some silver boobs. What was the end goal with this dress?

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Oh, ok MJ.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

SHERIFF ARTS N KRAFTS, YAY!

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

If this didn’t have a chest fan I’d like it, but it does, so here it lies.

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

If you’re gonna make a big stink about how no one will dress you for the Grammys because you’re a size 8, which I find VERY hard to believe because if this is the case then why is Chrissy Metz on every G-D red carpet ever, then WHY would you choose the BIGGEST, WIDEST dress on this earth to prove your point? A size 8 isn’t big…if it is then call me obese…so just wear a bangin dress and show off your assets. Make the designers look dumb AF. Immersing yourself in taffeta was the wrong play here, Bebe. WRONG PLAY.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

AT THIS POINT JUST WALK THE RED CARPET IN THE NUDE. TU, NEXT.

 

BEST

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

I like this dress for myself, so complete biased judgment here but she looks gr8.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

I feel like Alicia Keys sneaks under the radar a lot but as I’m watching this show I’m remembering how she’s a total badass who can let it rip like nobody’s biz. She also has the most soothing voice on earth. AND she can play two pianos at once. What a baws.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

WHEN DID ASHANTI GET CLASSY?! Claps for you, boo. Don’t need to show the goods to get Ja’s attention. Just need a million dollar idea on Pablo Escobar’s island. ZING.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Y’all know how hard I’ve been vibin jumpsuits lately and this one has sparkles, so sold.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

I like the pink, I like the glitz and I like that Camila didn’t treat us to a view of her areolas.

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

YaaAAaAasssssss

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

These two literally swapped hair dos and it makes me giggle a lot.

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

This is a pretty and tasteful way to do flesh tones. Red lip seals the deal, otherwise she’s head to toe one color basically.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Shawn looks like a wax statue but suit is on point.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Miley’s so pretty when she doesn’t have a buzzcut and her bits on display. Well, fully on display.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Hair/Makeup not great but the dress is lovely.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

Post Malone has worn me down. His tattooed ass face and weird cowboy outfits have numbed me. This is the best one I’ve seen yet. I like pink and I like stars, thus, you win this round, cowpoke.

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Yo, real talk, where the hell has Tori Kelly been? I need her to wail onstage REAL soon.

61st Annual Grammy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 10 Feb 2019

OooOhh stripey, me likey.

FAVE LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

61st Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

I’ve seen Gaga out here all awards season being so classy and trying not to let her meat dress wearin weirdness out because she’s being honored for a serious acting role. And I’d like to acknowledge that. She’s been looking like a dime piece and this has been my favorite look of hers so far. I have hair envy of those casual beach waves. AND on top of her red carpet look, she wore a sassy glitter jumpsuit (with matching eyeliner) for her performance. Writhing & scary face at the end aside, she’s really pulled out all the stops at the Grammys and I’m excited to see what she debuts at the Oscars. YOU GO, GURL!

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Red Carpet

SAG Awards Red Carpet 2019

The SAG Awards were so boring that I changed the channel to Total Bellas. Sorry not sorry for wanting to see Nikki Bella handle a breakup with Ferraris, cigars and keg stands. It was worth the watch. Those Bella Twins should be up for a SAG next year for their top notch content on E!

WORST

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

Peplum should’ve died the year that it made its debut.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

Is this a dress made entirely of origami? LMK.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

Insert shouting emoji and clap hands WHITE MEN CANNOT WEAR WHITE TUXES WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE SERIAL KILLERS.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

Why is there a belt just dropped in the middle of her midsection?

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

Tonight’s curtain edition.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

Well this is tough to do. Because John looks like a dime piece. But Emily looks like a vagina. And they posed together so it’s only one pic. Which means Emily’s labia dress just dragged John down to the worst dressed list with her.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

I am so confused.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

This could be my jealousy shining through as I’ve been hitting the gym recently and I will never ever be this skinny if I worked out 24 hours a day but this look just wasn’t doing it for me.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

The host should really bring her A game and glitter applique isn’t cutting it.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

I love me some Michael B. but I cannot get down with the harness trend. It’s so stinkin weird.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

WHAT is happening here.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

Oh God this is bad. From the top bun to the chunky stripper glitter heels. Wooftastic.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

Girl crush coming to a screeching halt for a lot of reasons but also what fresh hell is this?

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

This color is great but no one will ever look good in a three tier cake dress.

 

BEST

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

Lotta love for the men tonight coming through with some fresh suits.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

Curveball, I can be hip and get down with leathers.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

Throwing CZJ a bone for those stems.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

I’m so into jumpsuits right now and Emma looks fab.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

A Star is Born Gaga is killlllin it.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

WHoaOAaa spicy.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

All black and looking hella elegant.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

Can always count on Mandy to look amahzing.

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

I love anyone who rolls on the red carpet with shades on. The sun NEVER sets on cool.

FAVE LOOK OF THE NIGHT

25th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 27 Jan 2019

I love everything about this and I’m not afraid to admit it.

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Red Carpet

Golden Globes Red Carpet 2019

WHADDDUPPPP AWARDS SZN! How ya derrrrin? Obviously I’m excited that my favorite winter pick-me-up has arrived. Because no matter what anyone says, nothing will ever beat the high of sitting on the couch in flannel pjs, still on a holiday eating schedule (24/7) shouting at the TV that someone looks like trash on one of the biggest nights of their life. Every season presents a different style that everyone latches onto (that I inevitably cannot stand) and this year was the deep cleavage v. If I can see your chin clean down to your belly button without obstruction, you’re getting tossed on the worst dressed and those are just FACTS. I recently dabbled in the cleavage game (new for me) at a wedding and I literally got my already modest v-neck sewn closer together the day before the wedding because you know what is even more alluring than showing your entire front? Leaving something to the imagination. Take notes from me and my boob etiquette, Hollywood. Let’s see how those who did or did not cover their nips fared.

WORST

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Last year her nips punched through the tv screen and poked my eye out so hopefully she’s opted for a bra this year but either way this dress is goo.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Is this like 80’s picture day or a bad wedding or what?

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Irina looks like a Vegas show girl and Bradley STINKS without a little scruff. I mean seriously he looks like a wax figure and a white suit does not complement that.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Remember when Taylor Swift sang about Camilla Belle being a big hoebag? Lolz. Great mems. Regardless, this eye shadow/slicked back hair is woof.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Since when does Chris Messina think he can go all Draco Malfoy up in this B? (To show how old I am, E News will 100% post this picture and caption it “ZADDY”)

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Hot damn is this dress tacky and a terrible color.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

I love the style of this dress but I’m so not about that flesh tones life. Is she naked? Look quickly and yes, yes she is.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Well this is loud.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

And this is the opposite of loud. Are you 90, Emma?

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Now begins the portion of the program where I dump all over Hollywood’s titties. I DON’T NEED TO SEE THIS.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

PUT THEM AWAY. WE GET IT. YOU HAVE BOOBS. CALM YOURSELF.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

I shouldn’t be able to tickle your belly button on the red carpet.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Why are you even wearing anything? At this point just walk naked.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

ZOMG more full frontal nudity!

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

This dress is hideous first and foremost. The over the top boobage is just the cherry on top of the wreckage.

NBC's "76th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

I’m sorry, what?!

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

I don’t understand what’s happening here and therefore it blows.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

My lord, PUT IT AWAY. ALL OF IT. KNOCK IT OFF , LADIES. This is an awards show not the boom boom room at 3am.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

One shoulder taffeta. Yikes.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

More bewbz and let’s add in some ruffles.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Kid’s art project 101.

NBC's "76th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

jerry

I rest my case.

NBC's "76th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

There’s so many things sticking out. The great war of puffy shoulder vs. erect hair.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Ice dancer?

NBC's "76th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

Miss Frizzle teaching us about the solar system?

BEST

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Because I’m not a total prude and I can handle cleavage sans navel, Allison is getting after it in this outfit. I also love the chunky jewels.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Chrissy Metz may have called her a bitch but I think this outfit is killin it. Dave looks like a baller too.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

It’s often a red carpet trend that the ladies of SNL/comedy in general dress like they’re wearing paper bags and I feel like this is a fresh change up.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Amy plays it safe every time. This isn’t really doing it for me but it’s also not necessarily a WORST look. I think she could stand to take some risks though.

NBC's "76th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

Classy and elegant.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Not the top look I’ve ever seen from the Connster but she still looks like a dime piece as always.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

V. traditional ball gown and respectable that someone her age isn’t showing up in a mesh dress judging by the trends these days.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

VERSACE VERSACE VERSACE. I don’t know if this is Versace but it kind of should be.

NBC's "76th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

MOM AND DAD FOR LIFE. Also I understand the hypocrisy of calling out all the hoochies with their top half nudity and then approving of this but let it be known that this dress is actually cute so it’s different.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

This season’s installment of dresses I want to take a nap in. Also, Debra photographs well but up close? Yeesh.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

PRINCESSSSSSSSSS

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Sparkly and not cleavage down to her ankles!

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

TBH, I walked in from work to this look and I was like whoa that’s a lot. Then it really grew on me. Only Lady Gagz would match her hair to her dress. The sleeves kind of suck, but the color is great and she looks beautiful in the shallow, shalalalllalalowwwwwwww world of Hollywood.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Glenn Close gives good cape.

NBC's "76th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

Honestly I laughed out loud when I saw this because people HATE Anne Hathaway. Like HARDCORE HATE someone for no reason and she just stunts up to the red carpet in 2019 dressed like she’s Sammi Sweetheart looking for some Ron Ron Juice in Seaside Heights circa 2010. and I LOVE IT. Get it, girl, Cheetah girls, cheetah sisters.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

I like it. (I’m running out of things to say.)

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Not the slightest clue who this jabroni is but the COCKINESS of his stance, tossing that jacket open and rocking the one hand in pocket prom pose. Couldn’t love it more.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Peep those green suede shoes on Idris, tho.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

JLC poppin that leg like she invented it.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

This almost won my favorite look of the night because it’s Julia Roberts and also she looks amahzing.

NBC's "76th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

Can’t ever beat a dress with pockets, don’t @ me.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Lookin like a red velvet cupcake snack!

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Gr8 color choice, not so gr8 dress choice.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Rare Nicole Kidman compliment: She looks good.

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

Hot DAMN disco ball!

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

❤ the jacket and the fact that Ryan openly admits on the red carpet to each celebrity that he just watched their movie because he was going to be interviewing them.

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Babe soda couple alert!

NBC's "76th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

Host looks good, wifey not so much.

FIJI Water At The 76th Annual Golden Globe Awards

I spy some gold toed shoesiez!

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 06 Jan 2019

DAWSON LEERY! Gasp.

NBC's "76th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Show - Roaming

SURPRISE! Taylor Swift strutted those stems out onto the stage to present a few awards and I almost screamed at my TV. Whatta babe.

QWEENS OF THE NIGHT:

76th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals76th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivalsbluntkrasinski

Holy hell these two owned it. Separately AND together.

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Music, Red Carpet, Television

Grammys Red Carpet 2018

I gotta be straight up with you. I have a very hard time watching any music awards show that doesn’t feature the big three. Not the Pearson triplets, JT, Bey & Tay of course. Even Ed made the Grammy cutoff and got snubbed REAL hard with no big noms. That’s not the kind of world I want to live in and it was a struggle for me to get excited about this year’s show, which obviously didn’t live up to the hype. Besides Blue calming her parents down, it was a can miss event. Unfortunately same goes for the red carpet. Time to start prepping for the real showdown, Man of the Woods vs Reputation…2019.

WORST

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Stop it right now, Giuliana. Act your age.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Coincidence grouped these two stringy looks together. It ain’t doing it for me.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Mustard AND velvet. TWO thumbs down.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Clearly Jenny McCarthy was feeling irrelevant and thought a blue wig, early 2000’s rose-tinted bedazzled shades and black sheer gloves would solve that problem.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

what.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Camila looks like she’s going to prom and this is only 60% of me being bitter about a singer who made a song with sounds that rhyme with Havana.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

I had these exact pants when I was in 8th grade and wore them on Easter with black flats and a baby blue shrug cardigan (with a mouth full of braces) so no I will not support this look at the Grammy’s, no matter how much you try to sex it up, Anna.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Why are purple shiny boots ever necessary?

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Kesha’s hair looks great but this western unisex look she’s been workshopping the past few years is killing me.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Woof city: population Joey.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

I commend Chrissy for being this pregnant and still wearing heels like that. My balloon ass feet would not look good in those and I’m not carrying another human. The dress sucks though. Saarrryyy.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

What was the inspo behind this outfit? 1980’s news reporter gone bad gurl?

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

HEIDI WE GET IT. YOU ARE A MODEL WITH A SLAMMIN BOD. WEAR SOMETHING OTHER THAN LINGERIE ON THE RED CARPET.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

I love Pink and her daughter and I feel personally victimized by this dress choice.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Same name or not I can’t get behind someone with crystal butterflies adorning their gown.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

The Cardi B tooth fairy in the building.

BEST

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

This is the most flattering dress I’ve ever seen and I want it. Talk about an hourglass fig!

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Ryan throwing some mad hipster vibes.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Always love when Gaga goes class act instead of shock value.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

This year’s host looking like a dapper Dan.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

I’m never not going to gush over Lauren and Thomas is wearing fur loafers sooo he wins.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

I don’t love or hate this dress but it was really a struggle here for rounding up a best dressed list.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Let’s politely ignore the fact that Ashanti’s nipples are loudly on display and just admire the golden beauty of this princess dress.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Nick clearly left his dinner date in Hell’s Kitchen to roll over to the Grammy’s but I don’t even hate it because he looks fine as hell.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

I don’t really know what’s going on with this neck shoulder thing but Miley redeemed herself with a lovely pink gown for her performance as she further proves my theory that she’s back to dressing classy ever since Liam da Gawd took her trash ass back.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

I respect this F it outfit for someone whose a brand new artist at the Grammys. Oh I’m nominated for my first grammy? Watch me wear sneaks and a white tee to go snag it.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

FIRE FLAMES PINK SUIT.

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Red Carpet

Golden Globes Red Carpet 2018

The minute it was announced that everyone would be wearing black to the Golden Globes in protest, a single black tear rolled down my cheek, LC style. But you know what? I decided to pull myself up by my bootstraps and soldier on with my red carpet blog anyway. I’ve accepted this as a challenge to judge dresses that are almost exactly the same, thus completely going against anything Hollywood ever intended with this move. Maybe next time they’ll think twice about pulling a protest on the red carpet. TRY AND STOP ME FROM JUDGING YOUR LOOKS WHILE I STUFF CHEESE INTO MY CHEESEHOLE ON THE COUCH.

WORST

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

I remain completely unconvinced that this is Viola Davis. Seriously, try to prove to me that it is because it looks NOTHING like her. Who did this to you, Viola?

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 07 Jan 2018

My irrational hate for Nicole Kidman translates to everything that she wears.

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

This red carpet’s trend was one sleeve and I couldn’t have hated it more.

NBC's "75th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

I can almost guarantee that Angelina’s worn this exact dress before.

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Mariah is such a joke at this point why are we even still inviting her to awards shows? Also wtf is that diagonal seatbelt strap? Is it supposed to distract us from the fact that her nipples are dragging along the red carpet with her?

NBC's "75th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

Hey Halle, you can have a hawt bod and still not strut the red carpet in lingerie. Clean it up.

NBC's "75th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

It’s the combo of the one sleever and the fact that this dress looks like it was hemmed to the wrong height that really aren’t doing it for me.

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 07 Jan 2018

Get outta here Kendall, with that cupcake ass lookin dress.

emma-watson

The fanned collar and sleeve REALLY playing up a clown vibe here.

NBC's "75th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

WTF is with this sleeve thing?

NBC's "75th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

This gives me terrible flashbacks to when “boleros” were in trend when I was like 12 and basically I just wore a piece of fabric over my shoulders to middle school every day and called it a cardi.

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

This dress is stupid and I don’t have anything else to say about it.

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 07 Jan 2018

If Amy’s dress didn’t have like a tie or a overlay on top or whatever else is happening up there I would like it just fine.

NBC's "75th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

It looks like America asked to borrow her husband’s jacket because it was chilly on the red carpet or something. And I forever wish velvet would go away and never come back.

NBC's "75th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

Little House on the Prairie edition of this year’s red carpet.

NBC's "75th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

This vag panel is so beyond unflattering and makes Debra’s hips look like the widest canyon on this planet.

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 07 Jan 2018

This is a frumpy frock if I’ve ever seen one.

NBC's "75th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

I’m not down with the open front, mullet back dress and also is she wearing two different shoes?

NBC's "75th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

Ugh. This dress looks like it was pinned together and then there’s those booties…

NBC's "75th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

This dress is one of those that I looked at quickly and was like ok looks good, then saw it on screen as Allison presented and was like WTF IS THAT ATROCITY. So it obviously didn’t translate well IRL.

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 07 Jan 2018

This dress is whatever but G belongs on the worst dressed for the way she quite literally tacked a fake pony tail onto her head. Looking at her straight on you can’t even tell, because that’s how awkwardly fake that ponytail was. Take my word for it, it was an atrocity.

BEST

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 07 Jan 2018

Classic beaut, simple dress.

Moet & Chandon At The 75th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Red Carpet

DAMN, CZJ, GET IT GURL.

NBC's "75th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

Suave as a MF’er.

NBC's "75th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

Ya girl Reese is apparently besties with every woman in Hollywood. I don’t hate it, just like I don’t hate either of these dresses.

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 07 Jan 2018

In a sea of plain black dresses you had to know that I was going to be LIVING for any sort of deviation from the boring. This is sparkly and fun and makes us forget Margot Robbie ever donned 80’s puffy bangs to play Tonya Harding.

NBC's "75th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

What a class act this girl is. So age approps and elegant.

NBC's "75th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

Aziz looks like he’s posing for his school picture and it’s the cutest thing ever. My friend Kat and I decided that if we ever met Aziz we’d probably pinch is wittle cheeks.

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

What hot guy doesn’t look good in a black tux?

NBC's "75th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

YAS Armie with the patterned jacket. His wife’s curtain tied around her waist can go.

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

The host looking fresh to death.

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 07 Jan 2018

I’m willing to forget that Dave Franco awkwardly said “hi baby” into the camera 10 times when they told him his wife was talking to Giuliana on the red carpet because he has sparkly lapels and it is doing everything for this look.

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals, Beverly Hills, USA - 07 Jan 2018

Another subtle pattern making it’s way into the mix.

NBC's "75th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

I love love LOOOVE this from top to bottom. It’s too bad she gets the shaft from BLL because she’s not in the inner Reese-Nicole kewl kids circle.

NBC's "75th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

YOU KNOW HOW I LOVE A LITTLE SPAARKLE!

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Laurie is crushing it without needing to have her tits poppin out all over the joint and I’m all about the pop of color with her shoes.

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

I’m just a girl, judging a red carpet, living for any sort of texture or pattern other than plain black. Also this cut is very flattering on her.

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 07 Jan 2018

Oddly digging the top knot and plain dress here.

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 07 Jan 2018

I know nothing about Sterling’s wife but I’ve decided in my head that she must be just like Beth on This is Us, in which case she’s such a ride or die that he was probably like I’m gonna wear this suit and she was like ME 2. And they look cool as hell.

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals, Beverly Hills, USA - 07 Jan 2018

COLOR COLOR COLOR!!!!!!!

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 07 Jan 2018

Lotta onesie pantsuits up in this B. Hard flares aren’t usually my thing but I really love the top of this so I’m gonna let it slide.

NBC's "75th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

This is fierce and I kind of want it for myself.

NBC's "75th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

LOOK GUYS, WHITE!!!!!

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

He can do no wrong.

NBC's "75th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

Keeping the gender equality alive on my red carpet even though I have nothing to say about the same black tux over and over with a good looking guy wearing it.

kate-hudson

I mostly just want to know how it’s possible to have your boobs look like this without a bra. Like is this a celebrity trick? That they’re just perky and fabulous looking in a scandalous dress? Because I rip my bra off the second I enter my apt each evening and I have nothing but slops yabs. Kate, lemme know how you do it, gurl.

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 07 Jan 2018

One of the best looks of the night. Respect the trend/protest because you look like an asshole if you don’t but add something to make it original. This sash and matching lip stands out and looks baller. High fives for MM.

FAAAVEEE OF THE NIGHT:

75th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 07 Jan 2018

These two rolled up jamming out to JT’s new single and then when being interviewed Jessica was all, I couldn’t live my life if Justin wasn’t there to support me and take care of the house while I’m out acting. Could they be more perfect? Sigh.

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Music, Television

AMA’s Recap 2017

I often like to milk two blogs out of awards shows and even though barely anyone reads these recaps, I laugh at myself while writing them, and that’s truly what is most important. Here’s the top five things to take away from last night’s AMA’s, which packed a lot of good performances into an awards show that gives out fake awards to whoever shows up, basically.

1. Selena is OV-ER-RATED, clap, clap, clapclapclap.

Everyone was buzzing about her performance because she’s made it VERY WELL KNOWN that it was her only live performance of this year due to GETTING A NEW KIDNEY and everything. Well, it sucked. Real hard. She basically came onstage just to writhe around a car in a white nightie, covered in fake blood. Girl didn’t even attempt to lip sync. At one point I’m pretty sure she fell asleep on top of said car. If she didn’t, then I sure as hell did because it was a REAL snooze. Also, can everyone stop associating her Lupus/kidney surgery with everything that she does? She’s recovered. It’s not like she walked out of the hospital to give this performance and couldn’t dance too hard or else risk popping stitches. Chill on it. Notably absent from cheering her on, though? Biebs. He seems like a super supportive BF.

2.  Xtina is dead. Haven’t seen ole Xtina in a while (apparently people have forgotten how her last name is pronounced) and suddenly she’s doing a Whitney tribute and the only reason I knew it was really her was because she held her ear and waved her hand up and down when she did vocal riffs. Otherwise, who is this woman with Kylie Jenner lips and how did she get the honor of singing a Whit medley?

christinaxtina

Since we now know that it really was her…and that People is crediting “natural makeup” for her completely transformed face, it would be wrong of me to say that she didn’t crush it because she has a powerhouse voice. Even if Pink DID give her stank face. (lolzzzzzz firing up an old Lady Marmalade feud, what The Salty Ju does best)

Pink shocked face AMAs

Credit: ABC

3. Pink makes acrobats cool again. SPEAKING OF PINK, as soon as I heard “and Pink will be making history with a performance from the sky”, I audibly groaned. You guys KNOW how much I hated the played out ribbons performance. It’s like for 3 years that’s all she knew how to do at awards shows. Well I bit my tongue real quick because what followed was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. I mean she literally went face down off the side of a building while performing. I was getting naush just looking at it, so you have to be another level of badass to be like yup I’m staring at the ground 500 ft away from me and just crushing choreography and singing. She won the night and that’s pretty obvious.

4. Ashlee Simpson is back. 

ross fam

The Ross family was a focal point of the evening as Tracee Ellis Ross hosted and Diana Ross received a “you’re still alive and killin it” award, so obviously I was all about seeing how former punk rock princess Ashlee fit into this family dynamic. Turns out, her and that beautiful specimen Evan created one of the most adorable babies on this earth. During Diana’s performance the camera panned to her singing along and just living her damn life as a famous toddler. But then, as soon as she was pulled onstage at the end, she froze and pooped her diaper. Ashlee quickly turned into a stage mom dancing off to the side to get her kid to perform for the cameras and it was a real failure.

What a whirlwind of emotions it was keeping up with that family though. Props to her grandson who not only showed off his best dance moves right in Jagger’s grillpiece (stage fright doesn’t extend to all of the Ross children) but also jacked the mic to tell his grandma that he’s so proud and go off script giving every producer of this show a G-D heart attack. You da real MVP.

ross

5. WHO IS BTS? 

BTS

I legitimately had to google BTS after they flashed the camera to a bunch of Asians with the same haircut over and over again. The internet said these guys came out with their first single in 2013. TWO THOUSAND THIRTEEN?! I graduated college then. THAT WAS A LONG ASS TIME AGO. And they’re supposedly famous?! You shut your whore mouth. I patiently waited for them to take the stage to see what it is that they offered that would make them “mega international superstars.” Wanna know what they did? They had robot auto tune voices (I’m assuming this music was created in a studio just with a computer) that sang in a different language, and these matching mushroom cut boys danced to it. That was it. Girls knew the words and were legit in TEARS over this performance. WHAT AM I MISSING HERE?! WHAT HAS THIS WORLD COME TO?!

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Red Carpet

CMA’s Red Carpet 2017

Here it is! Country’s biggest night!* I always can appreciate a good country awards show because the men are usually the fashion risk-takers here. Oscars, Globes & Grammys? A guy is daring if he wears a colored suit. Country music though is where a man can don a sparkly blazer paired with a 10-gallon cowboy hat. Game respects game.

*This week.

WORST.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

This dress is fine. The color is good with her red locks and everything but the cutouts are really bothering me. I feel like that trend ended and if it didn’t then it should have because it makes the skinniest people look fat. Nobody wants to see skin flapping out of a geometric cutout.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

I honestly have no words for this.I know these clowns always dress like this but I just can’t.

Cam

This frock is all sorts of Victorian ugly. Sry, Cam.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

I KNOW I KNOW. Carrie doesn’t belong on worst dressed because she is gorge and can do no wrong but like COME ON. THIS DRESS SUCKS. It’s not flattering and I would like the ruffle sleeves to be gone forever.

Chase Bryant

My eye was immediately drawn to the vagina looking creation patterned across his arms and I’m not sorry bout it. If you’re going to adorn a jacket with feathers, make them look like feathers and not the inside of someone’s lady bits.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Well that’s a look. Gold Maître D’ jacket with crock boots.

51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals, Nashville, USA - 08 Nov 2017

Giving me some real Hocus Pocus vibes. We’re past BoooOOooOoooK season now, Karen. Pilgrims are this month’s theme.

Kellie Pickler

SEAAAAAAAAAAAAWEeeEEEEEEEEEEd dress.

51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Props to the MOST perfect mermaid waves but this dress stinks.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

I’ve never tried to hide my general dislike for Maren but she’s now giving me the most reasons to scoff. What on God’s green earth is happening here? Head to toe.

51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals, Nashville, USA - 08 Nov 2017

Oh alright, now we’re doing open-sequined-80’s workout onesies? COUNT ME OUT.

51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals, Nashville, USA - 08 Nov 2017

Goodbye.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

I just feel very strongly that there should be an age limit on leather pants for men.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

These two are hippies. That’s their thing. I get it. It’s just not for everyone. They pull it off, don’t get me wrong. But not for me, ya know?

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

This dress shape is overwhelming in a weird way. Brad looks gr8 though.

BEST.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Swooooooooooooooon.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

I’m pretty sure these two wear the same colors and variation of these suits everywhere but it works, so whatevs.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

This is a fash risk that I’m down with. Understated glamour in this suit. Well done, Dustin.

Faith Hill, Tim McGraw

I mean they don’t get the King and Queen of country title just by chance. Red lip matches his red leatha. These two are flawless.

51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

I don’t think I realized that JJD was QUITE this preggers already but here we go. Loving the red and she still looks like a babe soda.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

One of my favorite dresses of the night.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Another suit that’s crushing the understated sparkle game. Casj and fance all at once.

Lea Michele

Cough, cough, Carrie should’ve worn this.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

These two are like teeth whitening spokespeople. Get on that, Crest.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

PRETTY PRETTY PRINCESS!

Niall Horan

That’s a Harry pose if I’ve ever seen one. What a cutie. I just wanna pinch his little cheeks!

Pink, Willow Sage Hart

THIS IS SO STINKIN’ PRECIOUS.

51st CMA Awards - Arrivals

Reebz with that hourglass fig! Get it, grrrrl.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

I will not for a second hide my obsession with these two childhood sweethearts. Also, Lauren is crushing the dark lip.

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