Oscars Red Carpet 2024

WE HAVE MADE IT! Spring is just around the corner and nothing marks that like Hollywood’s BIGGEST night. I started out this awards season by flexing all of my streetwear to show you, my loyal red carpet snarksters, that I am of course the MOST qualified to spend several months out of the year boom roasting fashion choices by people who pay top dollar for the finest of clothes styled by the professionals. I can style the SHIT out of loungewear on a day to day basis and I recently had a shower thought that my style as a grown woman never graduated from what Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen were wearing in the mid to late nineties. It was a pivotal time in discovering my fashion identity and to be honest, one that I never wish to grow out of. I love the shit out of overalls, a coordinated set, and spending way too much time matching my nails, accessories, socks and sometimes even underwear to a color scheme that I’m rockin.

That being said, this was also the year that I decided I’d become a PJ pants in public kind of person. Not like running errands, I’m not a total heathen, but I have become a little *too* comfy with taking my dog for a full-fledged walk around the surrounding neighborhoods in my jammies. To cut myself a little slack if I may, I went from being able to walk 10 steps to a dog park to exercise my dog to having to walk her several times a day. I know, real sob story from the girl who moved to the beach. BOOHOO. But the DGAF factor is high when you’ve gotta stroll with your dog that many times a day, especially when it’s dark in the winter. Flannel PJs are basically required uniform for that. Where I start to toe the line is when it’s 11am on a Sunday and my fellow ritzy beach area residents are probably on their way back from Church with the fam and are subjected to me shuffling around the ‘hood in Uggs and Christmas plaid fleece jamz. Which is the exact picture I painted this morning. And you know what? Dooooooon’t Caaaaare. There were like 40 mph winds and the only way to get me out in that is in my coziest and warmest sleepwear. Plus, the magic of Christmas extends as long as the weather sucks. Everyone knows that. So without further ado (was that the longest definitely unnecessary self-deprecating rant you’ve read in a while?!) here’s the big Kahuna for red carpets from the kinda schmuck who has given up on actually dressing herself to leave the house…seriously spring can’t get here fast enough.

WORST

I get real turnt for a seafoam but this is too weird. Loose forearm sleeves…why? The choker sheer scarf brings me right back to the early aughts when the skinny scarf added to every outfit was a choice. Not a good one but ah those were the times. And may I also pose a question because I’ve seen this hairstyle a few times now? Is using gel to shellac a few wispy strands to the forehead a trend? Is this perhaps the new loose face framing strands with an updo? If so, respectfully no.

Ooohh this is more an MTV VMA’s look booboo. Lil party girl hoochie mama. Spoiler alert: her performance outfit was even hoochie coochier. Ah, to be in your twenties again.

What fresh hell is this? I’d compare them to pajamas but you’ve seen what duds I’m rockin to sleep in. Wouldn’t be caught dead in a silk tux. In fact, I just was introduced to silk pillow cases (s/o my sis for the gift) and my first trial run with them last night was REAL slippery. My head almost slid right off the bed on more than one occasion. Imagine wearing head to toe silk too? Hey Dwane, do a slide, let’s see how slick that sucker is!

This style feels outdated to me. Plus, kinda seems dangerous? Like why is her neck hooked up to her right tit? Looks like she’s trying to hang herself by her areola.

It’s giving airport lounge singer.

HOLY HAIR. My ‘lanta this is bad. First and foremost, I’ve always hated pink and red together. They clash as much as black and brown do (personal pref.) Second and probably more important, ew times a thousand to that Dynasty hairstyle.

This dress is a dinosaur personified. You can’t see it in this photo but the back is straight ridges and a tail. (Before I get internet yelled at, yes I’m aware she’s going for Wicked Witch for movie promo purposes. Still stinks.)

If you’ve ever wondered what it looks like to get eaten alive by an unruly pair of wide-legged pants, welp, here’s a real clear visual.

Two words: BUCKLE STRAPS.

She looks like she just got done smoking a long cig, listening to Fleetwood Mac on vinyl and just stumbled into the Oscars and no I cannot further elaborate on that very niche character I’ve just created from one cursory glance at this photo.

Honestly this is horrifying. I’m so overstimulated by this purple poppy sparkle ‘sploshe.

MARGOT👏 IS👏 DEAD👏 TO👏 ME. Great statement you’re making here. You’ve worn pink incessantly for the better part of a year and you’re done. This is the funeral of Barbie as we know it. Well GUESS WHAT BABE, I’ve been waiting for you to literally shit pink on the red carpet for the Oscars after a SUUUUUPER lackluster showing during awards season and you midas whale just hawk a lugey directly in my face with this outfit. And not for nothing but is that bedhead? What a giant F-U to anyone who wishes she has Barbie’s ENTIRE wardrobe at her fingertips (ME). I could’ve worn this shitty dress. In fact, I did to a wedding in 2018. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

I’m less enraged about JLC wearing black because she didn’t singlehandedly make hot pink the *moment*, but this is still suuuuuch a snoozer.

Kind of a ricochet shot here from Margot but HOW DO YOU NOT WEAR A PINK SUIT?! I wanted SO MUCH from these two and I’ve never been more underwhelmed in my life when the possibilities were literally endless. Ya, I peeped those pink socks. Doesn’t count unless he’s gonna grow a set and pull them up over his pants.

I don’t know what’s happening up top here other than a rogue bedazzler but I’m all set.

This is a lot. I think removing the full blown pom-pom sleeves and the cape would make this more digestible.

UGH I hate the horned strapless top. Why so horny?

Oh fuck right off with this look, excuse my French. What is she, carrying an entire bunk’s worth of sleeping bags? How stupid. She’s mummified head to toe and then just dragging around bundles of laundry. For what? FOR WHAT, ARIANA?! To irritate your seatmate and look like an a*hole? Mission accomplished. (Before I get internet yelled at, yes I’m aware she’s going for Glenda the Good Witch for movie promo purposes. Still stinks.)

IT’S THE PEPLUM, BB.

Another iteration of the skinny dangling scarf and a reminder that less is more, people! The dress is good without a strand flying loose in the breeze.

Continuing my awards-season-long vendetta against top heavy ladies doing strapless and putting all the trust in the world into a very small/flimsy amount of fabric to keep everything in check.

Kinda trampy maid vibe, srynotsry.

BEST

A moment of silence for 90’s teen heartthrob Josh Hartnett coming back into the fold and being hot cool sunglasses guy with a glam wife upon his return.

It’s Andie Anderson yellow and I’ll always have a soft spot for that. Even though she’s not wearing the Isadora diamond, I’m very into this sapphire icing to contrast the golden tones of the dress.

MMM I love this color.

Pretty much every man disappointed me with a boring black tux so this is where we start getting really despy. I’m not a huge fan of poop suits but gotta give credit, Matthew spiced it up and matched his shades. Camila’s bejeweled boobs were doing it for me too.

Frannie got a BOD-AY. Great figure for a slinky gown like this, loving the little briefcase purse and the braid.

A coordinated coups!!! A rare sighting and it makes me swoon to see a man support his woman in fash. They both look amahzing and we don’t need to wonder where Emily’s lady bits are because we’ve got a treasure map pointing right to them! Also, a little jarring to see a dress that looks like it’s being held up above her shoulders by imaginary hands but once you get past that trickery, it’s hard to deny she looks STUNNING.

Whatta babe this dress fits her like a glove.

Again, not to beat a dead horse but that’s what I do BEST, would’ve loved a little nod to weird Barbie, but she does look lovely and classic.

Wish we got a TEENSIE bit more leg here, maybe a cut just past the knee skirt but, Billie! You did it, homegirl! She’s crushing this look!

So simple and yet it’s perfect!

Now this is what I’m talking about! FULLY redeemed himself from the red carpet flop with this Ken-licious look. Pink sparkles, shades, pink gloves, ALL ON POINT. Not to mention that this performance was above and beyond what I wanted. RyGos is Ken and Ken is RyGos.

SPARKLE FISH!

Very tasteful feather sitch.

I’m a big believer that polka dots should be taken out back with a shotgun but surprising us all, I LOVE this! It’s retro chic and I’m equal parts admiring and jelly of this island glow she’s sporting on top of the polkas.

I just want to tuck myself into Carey’s pocket (or poof) and go everywhere she goes. It’s no secret to anyone who has been a loyal follower of my red carpets that I REGULARLY slobber all over her. It’s like she never misses. Sure, this gown probably falls into the mermaid bottom category, but also it doesn’t because the way it’s cut with the scalloping black is on another level. High Fash for dayz. And take it from a gal who has roughly 8 sets of Christmas PJ’s to rotate…I KNOW high fashion.

An ice Queen in all the best ways.

GET IT, GIRL! Put your party ruffles on!

Respect for the toppiest of top buns and a slammin leg moment.

We haven’t seen this babe in a minute! She’s looking toight and I’m here for the shiny champagne gown.

A DEBUT BUMP! I’m always shocked by celebs who can sneak under the radar with a pregnancy. Gurl is REAL pregnant and just was like WHAM guess who’s with child on the red carpet. Love a buzzworthy moment and she’s werkin it Beyonce Single Ladies style.

Peps double standard. I’m not a h8er of this peplum because it’s like pepLite. It’s not a hard pep. Say pep again. Though let’s be real, the glitz is really what caught my eye.

I can get down with this cape.

MIAMI VICE. Love the contrast of the black sparkle palm trees against the pink shine.

Thank you for your service, sir.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

“Oh damn, America!” were the exact words I texted my mother. I’m so all in for the pink on her. I may have dumped all over every other Barbie but America was consistently killing it this awards season and was leaning more into the dark classic gowns, so for her to flip the switch to pink for the finale, HELL YEA! The cut of this dress is so flattering and it’s very fun and Disco Barbie-esque.

Red Carpet

SAG Awards Red Carpet 2024

The SAG Awards being on a Saturday night has forever thrown me off, I remember days in my fresh from college years where I was pre-gaming to the awards. Obviously that is no longer an issue for me as I can’t remember the last time I unironically used the term pre-gaming or left my house after 10pm. But, pulling a red carpet out of my ass on a Saturday night is still a feat. On top of that, Netflix had to flex their live TV muscle and decide to show them this year making it confusing as to how I could even find them. Needless to say, I missed half the awards but it was too big of a heavy hitter to also miss the red carpet. (I figured the People’s Choice Awards were geared toward reality monsters and everyone looked like garbaggio anyway so I went ahead and skipped that one, you’re welcome.)

WORST

It’s Working Girl meets One Room School House and it is hideous.

I’m sorry, what? I could stare at this gloves/shrug combo deal forever and still be perplexed by it. Did she have to lay face first on a bed and put her hands and arms into those gloves and then pull the shelf bra over her chest? No that can’t be right because how did it get around the back? I may never figure this out but honestly I don’t want to because it’s disgusting.

I don’t love the color of this but even more so, I don’t love this weird glitter/brocade texture.

This is a Bitty Baby version of Kathryn’s duds above. What’s with the black shelf bra and sheer gloves?! Also, immediately no:

I literally get a headache just looking at it.

What a monstrosity. The poof around her neck is giving court jester while the 5 layers of cupcake tiers are giving my worst nightmare. And to top it all off we’ve got a blinding bronze linear pattern. Just goes to show that a best dressed at one red carpet can fall right down the well into a dumpster fire at the next.

This is jarring to say the least. Imagine being a grown adult with an underboob cutout in the shape of a Dorito? Cringe city.

American Girl Doll chic except it’s not chic at all it’s basically a picnic tablecloth with Kirsten braid bunz.

OoOoh a condom waterfall!

Lace halter is so 2000’s prom dress it hurts.

I’m actually feeling kind of torn about this. On the one hand, her makeup is stunning and I love the simple jewels. On the other hand, the top of this dress being a square with shoulder dangles and boxy throughout is super unflattering on her.

Ole toilet paper mummy head ass. Homegirl just looks like she got attacked by wolves on her way here. How are we calling this a dress? It’s just a bunch of shredded fabric glued together and if the person who designed this is rolling in it, I’m about to change careers. Charlee! Hand me my shears!

I hate to be the one to say it and I know I’ll rock the boat on the JAW cult following, but the man whose last name is White, does not actually look great in a white suit. It’s a little pervy to me and I can’t even explain why because it’s just a suit on a deliciously hot man. Maybe it’s the pointy black boots? I don’t know but so far this season we’ve seen him in all black and black pants with a white jacket and I was hunky dory with both of those but this is an ick.

I hate that opera gloves are making a red carpet comeback. Sure, I love to be dramatic as much as the next gal but we don’t need gloves up to our armpits with a full glam look. There’s a time and a place for the Pretty Woman gloves and green leather with a full detailed floral dress ain’t it, honey. (I actually like the dress because I’m a sucker for mint and for flowers but the gloves ruined it.)

I’m sorry, was the jester on several stylist mood boards for the SAGs?! HOLY DANGLES. This makes my eyes hurt and probably poked a lot of people as she scooted by.

DIE AWAY FROM ME BIG BELTS. No one, and I mean no one, should ever go back into their Big Belt Era. That being said (and I mean it, don’t let this stupid trend come back) I do like the top corset-esque cut to the dress.

Look, Bradley’s getting up there in age. He’s no longer the suave Hollywood babe so effortlessly. And that’s why I feel like I wanted more from him. He can’t just get by on his good looks anymore he’s gotta turn up the heat in the fashion department. I trust that he’ll read this note and come right for the Oscars.

STRAPLESS BOOBS.

I’ve got a Barbie heel to Margot Robbie’s neck this awards season and I won’t let up until she wows me. This is super vaginal. I saw it and was like oh she’s going for pussy chic. I KNOW she has an arsenal of original Barbie fits to pick from the cream of the crop and I’m sick of her not pulling out all the stops for red carpets. Sure, she kinda got snubbed for the Oscars. It’s whatever. All the more reason to be showing OUT on the carpet. Keeping my fingers crossed for an Oscars stunner.

GLEN GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE WITH THAT POOP SUIT WHAT TF ARE YOU DOING?! YOU HAVE A TOP ROM COM AND YOU SHOW UP ON THE SILVER CARPET LOOKING LIKE A TURD IN THE PUNCH BOWL AND NOT THE BABE SODA OF EVERY GIRL’S DREAMS?!

BEST

Simple and kinda 90’s alt chick but it works.

Oh hell yea this is a nice twist on the lady suit. Tuxedo style top with a sparkle skirt! I’m into this.

This guy is just happy to be here after that long hiatus and I like that he’s dressing to impress. He’s not pulling out the tired black tux, he’s spicing it up with a SAG-AFTRA blue (literally matches the background) and he looks great.

Not 100% in love with a mesh shirt but definitely swoon for a pastel blue.

I’m totally cool as a cuke about not having a flat tummy and continuing to consume all the cheese in the world until I see something like this and I’m like SHOULD I STARVE MYSELF/EXERCISE TO GET ABS?! The answer of course is I’d rather die, but I did think about it for a second. This midsection is TOIGHT. She looks fit as a fiddle and is even making me like peaches and cream in a gown.

The PERFECT hourglass dress.

Hey Girl, let me be your pastel Easter egg. Open me for a surprise. Whoa that took a weird turn, huh? That’s what happens when Ryan’s lookin like a spring snack getting me all hot and bothered.

An elegant Ice Princess.

The Disgusting Brothers can do whatever they want to me if they look like this. (I’m sorry I’m bringing an aggressive sexual energy to this red carpet, I literally can’t help it..look at Cousin Greg’s bedroom eyes.)

Put this in a museum because it’s a rare moment when I’ll say ok to these two. Billie’s back to black hair in a sassy pony and she’s got a school girl vibe and I’m digging it. It’s like classic Ralph Lauren. PLUS when her hair isn’t shades of neon, her eyes pop so much more! GO BILLIE GO!

I feel like Jen chopping her hair has contributed to a major glow-up. Not that she needed one. She’s been stunning for several decades in the spotlight but this sassy short hair is DOING IT ALL. She’s sunkissed (whether real or fake doesn’t matter), showing a little cleave and werkin a sparkle leg slit. Get down with your bad self, girliepop.

Normally not a cutout aficionado, but this seems like a tasteful side bewb sitch.

What a fun little glitzy hurricane number! Love the maroon and pattern.

Primary color Reese back at it again but damn it she looks fab.

Another fave look of the night, this dress is kinda scaley in a fun way! It’s like The Rainbow Fish but make it a little slinky number. Bookmarking this for my future wedding dress inspo. I’m gonna go into David’s Bridal and say just that.

This is me eating my words. Mermaid bottoms are toxic sludge EXCEPT when you ACTUALLY PLAYED THE LITTLE MERMAID. Loophole! I saw this and was like UGH KILL IT WITH FIRE. And then I remembered she was an actual mermaid and I immediately redacted it. She gets a pass. One time. Also great color.

Perfect LBD and really into the emerald necklace to give it a little pizazz.

I mean she’s the damn president of SAG AFTRA and basically led the strike and the negotiations for everyone to come back to making mid-TV and movies based on books. Let her rock a salsa girl emoji hot red number. She looks fabulous right down to the red nails. It makes my heart sing when a lady coordinates all of her details perfectly. 💃

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

I truly cannot stop gazing at this dress. It looks like liquid has been poured over her body in all the right ways. The chic bob on top and a simple necklace that perfectly accents the color is weeeerrrrkkkin. Everything about this is smooth AF.

Red Carpet

Emmys Red Carpet 2024

WELCOME BACK! Did everyone have a lovely week?! As your top awards season fashion commentator, I spent the week popping off color coordinated lewks that belong in a museum but were only viewed by my dog and perhaps a few Ring cams that captured me dropping fast food on their stoop whilst Door Dashing. Since I stunted my Barbie track suit on y’all last week, it only makes sense to continue to show you what makes me qualified to barf all over A-list celebrity red carpetwear.

I mean come ONNN, the alternating fur and maroon?! Chef’s Kiss MWAH. My dog truly doesn’t understand what a top fashion runway model her mom is.

WORST

Ok that is ENOUGH. We are two for two with a well endowed woman wearing a strapless gown during awards season and I am NOT HERE FOR IT. Strap those yabbos in tighter or I’m gonna start handing out citations from the Titty Police.

I’ve never seen a more boring look ever. Middle part, pin straight hair, high neck sleeveless black dress. YAWN. You couldn’t do ONE thing to jazz this up?! Earrings? A purse? I honestly would’ve welcomed a set of XL cans struggling to stay in a strapless top *just this once.* ANYTHING!

And the pendulum swings back in the other direction because Christina was like I’ll give you some razzle dazzle and I hate this. I hate the deep V but even more so, I hate the tacky green bedazzled chonky necklace.

I understand he was trying to be trendy but what fresh hell is this?! Plopping a button under your shoulder just makes it look like your jacket is putting a CLINIC on trying to stay closed over your WIDE midsection. No sudden movements, my dude, or that thing’ll go soaring!

Too much mixed media here for me to get on board. Florals, bright colors, sparkles, AND black mesh? Gotta pick a lane.

Get this out of my face immeds. It’s giving needle pinning a post-it note over her hooters. I couldn’t scroll Twitter last night without seeing this image from multiple sources:

pic.twitter.com/I2TLQFkgHK
— Vulture (@vulture) January 16, 2024

To the point where I had to fact check if she was indeed wearing Berger’s break-up post-it on her dress. She was not, folks, but if you have to seriously wonder that, I think we can all agree this dress is trash, much like Jack Berger was. (The real SATC fans know.)

Imagine wearing a dress that makes everyone immediately think “does she not own a steamer?” Honestly even hanging it near the shower would’ve helped. Why is wrinkled a fashion choice. It’s bottom of the laundry basket, I think I can get one more wear out of this…not awards show formalwear.

Sometimes the champ one week becomes bottom of the barrel the next and that my friends is the CIIIIIIIIRCLE of LIFE! Hate this corset clasp-heavy top and feel like she’s about to board a pirate ship in this getup.

I would be down with this angelic lady tux if it had ANY OTHER bottom other than the stuuuuuuupid mermaid monstrosity.

Guy who played Nate can pander all he wants with a football jersey, but I’m still never going to forgive him for shitting all over that sweet, sweet Ted Lasso. (Spoiler alert: he came back around and apologized but I don’t accept.)

He looks so uncomfortable and it’s making me uncomfortable. Imagine the SOUNDS this outfit makes every time he moves a limb. Fart city, population: this leather suit.

WowWOWwowWow. It’s still too soon for me to see her and not become untethered with rage. Kewl woven basket chairs over your nips, NAHT.

The top of this dress is giving birth to the bottom of this dress. I can’t unsee it and now you must all suffer with me.

Blow it out your peplum blowhole.

It shouldn’t come as a shock because Alex treats awards shows like her own personal zany dress-up sesh but barf all over me with this sexy lil tamale of a circus ringleader lookin bullshit.

Oh HELLOOOOOOOOOO.

MOOve over, this jacket is udderly repulsive.

Oh we just going shirts off now? Shirts optional at a formal awards ceremony! Pop them TOPs!

Cool cool cool cool.

Bleh. A matron of honor dress.

I was immediately irked by this look and I couldn’t put my finger on why until it hit me. It’s loud. It’s shiny and tacky and just too loud. Katherine is trying to show everyone this year that she’s not the difficult bitch she was painted to be after she left Grey’s and this look…isn’t convincing me.

OoOoh pregnancy is beautiful and women are amazing and the way our bodies change and our skin glow and BLAH BLAH BLAH save it, sister. I DO NOT NEED TO SEE YOUR ENTIRE BABY UNLESS I AM YOUR GYNECOLOGIST. Sukz is doing ENTIRELY too much with this look and I’m NOT A FAN. The cooch bow, REALLY?! On top it’s like she put an apron on during some frisky role playing and then attached a table skirt to it via vadge bow. Congrats on the sex and everything but keep the full belly and birth canal side peeps for your baby daddy.

BEST

The forehead curls. SWOON. What a goshdarn whole snack.

I waffled back and forth on this one and eventually was won over probably because I have a soft spot for Free Willy. For reals though, the optical illusion of the circle skirt is pretty eye catching.

Mmmk Tony with the oat milk blazer!!!

Kaitlin’s dress is a stunner. She’s clearly SAP (skinny as possible) but the lined corset accentuates it even more in a classy hawt way. Rob’s whatever. It’s all about his lady.

#GenderEquality, now I’m going to say Emily’s whatever, LOOK AT KUMAIL in that steel grey suit!

Cute lil bob on Amy and an if it ain’t broke don’t fix it glitzy Miss America number.

I LOVE that an old guy like Brian is rolling through with something fresh like this. Could’ve gone classic black tux but he was like OH FUCK OFF I’M GOING DUSTY GREY WITH A POCKET SQUARE AND A BROOCH.

Trent Krimm, Independent lookin snatched as hell in a rainbow tweed-ish looking suit. The untied bow tie is a cherry on top. Total cool guy move.

I support anyone looking to have their Carrie Bradshaw tutu moment.

I did a literal double take to make sure we weren’t looking at the goodies on full-frontal display and because of this neckline literally tricking my eyes, I’m tipping my cap to it.

LOVE this silhouette for her bod, could probably take or leave the retro ice pack material. No seriously, did your mom ever fill up one of these bad boys with some cubes from the freezer? It had a certain smell to it and looking at this dress, I feel like I can smell it. But even thought I definitely ruined that for you…still supes cute!

A moment of silence for girlies who start dating a guy and then completely change their entire sense of style to match his. There has never been a more drastic example of this than when Kourtney and Travis started dating and she went full punk rocker chic. Taking it to an extreme here by just full-on having a twinsie moment. Can’t wait til she shaves her head and covers it in tatters.

I saw lots of reds and maroons and blacks, but not a lot of jewel tones and I’m loving this shade on her.

A fuzzy duckling that stands out among the rest. I wanna see this frock in action. Take it for a spin on the dance floor, let those feathers fly!

A stunning rose. No notes.

I appreciate the remaining Presley’s showing out as a unified front even if they are dressed as cryptkeepers. Digging the funky pattern and gauzey look of Riley’s skirt.

What a fun sparkle-tini! One of my fave looks of the night and perfectly coordinated with the silver carpet and as you can see from my maroon ‘fit…I get a real boner for color coordz.

Again, just me getting excited for someone switching things up! A neon splash looks great with her complexion and another dress that I want to see on the move. Wish we got twirl gifs in addition to still shots.

Jennifer’s pretty top-heavy and look how nicely she styled these bazookas! There’s a way to not dump your knockers right on the red carpet and I applaud that. She also may be the only one to pull off the pieces of hair in the front that I normally hate so much. She can pretty much do no wrong.

Dapper looking host in a floral suit.

This dress is huuuugggin her curves, yo.

Another top look, Selena’s been bringing it this awards season so far. I’m mostly just a sucker for the dark lip, a trend that I wholeheartedly embraced back in 2016 when reputation-era Taylor Swift made baddies with a deep plum pout on trend. I tried to revive it in 2019 and my niece who was 2 at the time immediately put me in my place and pointed at my face asking what was wrong. SOME PEOPLE JUST DON’T GET FASHION. Might go for round 3 now that Selena’s rockin it so hard. I’ll report back on if my dog approves.

A seafoam feather train as I LIVE AND BREATHE!

A classic siren ball gown.

A close second for best look of the night, head to toe perfection. This dress is cool AF and adds an air of whimsy to her Wednesday Addams mean muggin face.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

Ellen Pompeo’s been out of the game for a minute. She basically bought out Grey’s Anatomy and moonwalked out of Hollywood, so this is the first time I’ve seen her on a red carpet for a bit and I’m very into this little ascot party that’s happening. I’d be down to try the sparkle sheer top with a high-waisted skirt to cover up my belly full of Christmas cookies. Maybe when my self-imposed shopping ban is lifted, I’ll dabble with this AND the dark lip TOGETHA. You know, for all the high profile events I get invited to. On second thought, I’ll probably keep kickin it in matching sweatsuits sans makeup.

Red Carpet

CMT Music Awards Red Carpet 2023

The CMT Music Awards are a fan-voted awards show so it’s a popularity contest and about four A-List country stars showed up to Austin, Texas for this shindig but oooh baby that don’t stop me from rippin a red carpet! (Since there are so few to judge, we’ll just let em all hang loose in one list…if you think by eliminating a worst dressed list, I’ll spare the snarky commentary you are sorely mistaken.)

I looked at this picture first when browsing last night’s arrivals and literally checked the link to confirm this was a 2023 photo and not a throwback to a 90’s country awards show. Hot diggity damn Shania looks great for me to do a double take and wonder if it was 30 years ago. Sorry, let me clarify, this outfit is downright atrocious. But face/hair/bod is the FOUNTAIN of youth.

It’s not a country night unless Carrie trots those billion dollar legs out. Folks, these stems peeking out of her blinged out spanky pants are stealing the damn show. I can’t look anywhere else. Love the outfit, but honestly who cares what she’s wearing when you’ve got a set of gams like this and she’s known it since she strutted them onto that American Idol soundstage 18 years ago. And that’s coming from someone who knows a thing or two about hot legs. (s/o to the sun.)

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From hawt legz to this catastrophe. What a massive letdown. I think we can all safely say that Avril Lavigne trying to make ties a cool punk rock thing in the early aughts belongs firmly in the rearview. I never need to see a couple wearing matching skinny ties. In fact Gwen stepped right out of 2002 from boots with the fur, fishnets, mini skirt that barely covers her snatch and a white button down. Go home, Gwen.

Kelsea’s living her best damn life. She’s dating a babe soda, she got her mic drop moment spilling the tea on her divorce, and she’s dressing to impress. Guh ‘head gurl, get down with your bad self in your pastel corset.

Imagine being a total rocket, being married to a country superstar, and then just casually having the voice of an angel as well and hopping on a track with your husband that blows all the way up? That being said, you’re better than lilac tights and kitten heels with a rhinestone bow, Katelyn. And the gloves?! Are you Mia Thermopolis, PrinCESS of Genovia? The fame has gone straight to her head.

THE DUBS THUMBS UP. gEeEEeEk aLeRt! I don’t even hate this outfit because as I’ve mentioned about 900 times to anyone who will listen, I’m all about that beige lifestyle lately. But I cackled at those dad thumbs. Surprised he didn’t pair them with a couple of fresh white New Balances.

I absolutely need to know if Megan realizes that by posing at an angle with a leg popped, that white ameoba cutout is giving us a straight-shot view of her labia.

OH HELLO, GRANDMA! What the hell is this sack of tinsel? It looks like she tied a matching sweatshirt around her waist, except it’s actually a tablecloth instead. Don’t forget your tablecloth, Dixie, it might get chilly tonight!

Look at this little lime green popsicle! I love a coordinated Keroppi.

(That reference will only hit with the real 90’s girliepops)

I don’t just want these boots, I NEED THEM. I can’t say I love a good bloom until I have bloomin’ bootz, chaknow?! I also love that this chick knew what a statement these shitkickers are and went simple black for the rest of her outfit so they had their moment to shine. It’s country but elegant and I’m here for it.

This is the most appropriate event to rock this look at. Anywhere else you try to pull off a denim jacket/dress combo with leather boots, leather hat, velour gloves & bright red hair and you get laughed right out of the joint. But a fan-voted awards show in Austin on a seafoam green carpet? Yes, booboo. She is the moment.

I may never get over a gentleman of this size being named Jelly Roll and of course we can’t forget his bride, Bunnie XO. And honestly now that I’m taking a better look at his tatted up face, is one of those just a straight line from his hair down through his left eye? What’s the meaning behind that little ditty, I wonder. To top it all off, the prayer hands are giving real DJ Khaled vibes, BLESS UP.

I’ve been catching up on Abbott Elementary and it’s no coincidence that just before I tuned into this awards show, I watched the episode where Gregory tries to become a trendy hat guy (not for the faint of heart as I too faced ridicule when trying to elevate my hat game) and every single zinger that the other teachers lobbed at him applies to this monstrosity of a dome cover. So at the risk of this clip being removed from YouTube…watch & giggle.

The Lavender silk shirt is really giving ice dancer but I’m a sucker for Chucks and a fun jewel tones duo.

This may sound judgmental but hear me out. Are we at a Walmart in Sequoyah, Oklahoma? My jaw DROPPED at how much hick is in one photo here. It’s like they’re reenacting the Natalie Portman classic “Where the Heart Is.” Homegirl is seconds away from her water breaking in that green polka-dotted dress that looks like it was pulled out of the bottom of the hamper where it was crumpled up for weeks, then stuck in the wheel well of the pickup truck that they certainly drove to the show. And while we’re at it, why don’t we cruise on over to the mullet hanging onto that big ole belly for dear life. Is that a pearl necklace he’s sporting with ADIDAS SAMBAS?! WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE, YOU TWO?! IS THIS AN APRIL FOOLS JOKE?! This is the exact costume one might wear to a white trash bash themed college kegger. All that’s missing is mullet gripping a can of Bud heavy and rippin a butt in his other hand. My ‘lanta.

Big time fan of Russie and his lady Kailey and gotta serve up a cold hard glass of truth, I expected more from them. Don’t get me wrong, it’s no chartreuse polka dot dress and SAMBAS (still not over it). But at the same time, they’re not knocking my damn socks off either. They’re gonna have to step it up if they’re gonna make it to the big leagues. And by the big leagues, I obviously mean Best Dressed on this highly-esteemed fashion blog.

Despite a mean case of the crazy eyes (or for all who celebrate, ‘Shane from Love is Blind’ eyes) Lainey’s killin this outfit. Much like I imagine her low budget Hannah Montana accent kills a lot of boners. I’m sorry, but it had to be said. She did a lot of talking and I spent the entire time wondering if she was doing a fake twang like ole Pennsylvania native Taylor Swift used to do in her early days. It is *very* hard to listen to and I hope she shakes it off as quickly as Tay did.

Oh, honey no! No, no, no, no, NOOOOO. MAKE THIS SHEER TREND STOP FOREVER I’M SO SICK OF SEEING EVERYONE’S NUDE BODIES BEHIND A VERY UN-PRIVACY SCREEN IN THE NAME OF “FASHION.”

Oh ok, Cole showing up with some arm candy! I live for the dichotomy of a simple country boy like Cole who always wears a baseball cap and solid colors next to Princess Sparkles over here. I wonder if she’s hoppin up into his Chevy to go shootin.

Carly’s poppin that rack and that leg at the same damn time and I got hella respect for it. Why? Cause it’s subtle and sexy and I’m not staring down the barrel of her belly button, nips or lady curtains. PRAISE BE!

Red Carpet

SAG Awards Red Carpet 2023

We are in the future! How many years did I biiitch about the fact that awards shows (and basic cable) should be available to all?! Cut to 2023 when the SAG’s (arguably one of the least watched awards shows as it used to air on TBS) was streamed on YouTube via the Netflix channel. The me that bought an antenna three years ago and spent an afternoon holding it up in different areas of my *brick* building of an apartment only to never get a sig for an awards show and have to return that bad boy to Best Buy is VERY pleased about this recent development. Petition to move ALL awards shows to the free to all channels by 2025 or WE RIOT. No shitty commercials, no crafting new emails for free Live TV trials, and best discovery of them all…no censoring! Those celebs were dropping F bombs left and right and I was sliiiiiving for it. UNCUT, BABY! Imagine what the Will Smith slap rant would’ve looked like had network TV not scrambled to bleep it out and cover our eyes?! LET US SEE IT ALL! Judging by the post-break wrangling that presenters were doing onstage, people were beebopping around and getting rowdy out there. Give us an audience cam and let us watch celebs hobnob in between awards instead of commercials. Did I just singlehandedly make awards shows watchable again by changing a few minor key deets? YUP.

WORST

The pushed back hair and shoulder ruffles really turned me off here. Honestly it’s mostly the hair. Like, how is it just staying back like that. It’s as if she ran her fingers through her hair with super glue so it wouldn’t fall forward again because it’s certainly not wet or slicked or gelled. MYSTERY.

Look, if it was just the plaid jacket, I’d be like ok that’s a little off-beat but I can get down with it. THAT HAT THOUGH. What IS it?! A cross between a captain’s hat and a beanie? I’m operating under the assumption that this hat is for fashion and not for any religious purposes but I’m sure I’ll swiftly be cancelled if I’ve misjudged this sitch. If it was a style choice, I want nothing more than to knock it off his lil head.

AH MY EYES! This is offensive on so many levels. The color, the silk/lace combo deal, the bolero and the tiny beaded purse. Holy hell this is a matronly number straight outta 1997.

Emily Blunt looks snatched as hell considering she’s got multiple children, but this dress is way too much for me. If it was just the flowers, or just the cutouts or just the bright red, fine. But all three? Sensory overload, homeslice.

When I tell you I BURST out laughing when I stumbled upon this. Show up to the awards show where actors are their DOUCHIEST talking about the craft of acting, wearing doucheroni from head to toe. Seems about right.

I’ll never understand the ‘toss a circle at the top’ design. This is so boring and Amy is WAY too young to be pushed into the women of a certain age black gown category.

I think she was maybe going for a glam sea urchin vibe? The result was terrifying.

Bold of me to put these two on the worst dressed list when they’re mean muggin the camera this hard. Looks like they might reach right through this picture and give me a swirlie. But I like to live on the edge and this King and Queen of darkness act is not fitting for a joyous awards show. SO COME AT ME, BROS.

Sick bejeweled bra. This looks like when Phoebe was trying to seduce Chandler to get him to admit he was schtupping Monica and she just showed him her bra to make him flustered and confess.

I gotta be honest I did not know that JLC was packing this heat in the chestal area and yet at the same time it’s certainly something I didn’t need to know. Way too much cleave for a Sunday night. Also, kind of irked me that she called herself a nepo baby twice like she’s in on the joke, then essentially mounted Michelle Yeoh in front of everyone and wouldn’t stop slobbering all over her during her acceptance speech while not even MENTIONING Stephanie Hsu who was nominated in the same category for the same damn movie. RUDE. I didn’t think I’d ever be coming for such a Hollywood Heavyweight but she really starting asking for it when she genuinely guest-starred on an episode of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills to hawk her charity merch. So clearly my feelings of disappointment toward her have been festering for quite a while. Do better, Jamie Lee.

This is atrocious and there really is no other word to describe it. BROWN AND BABY BLUE CHESS BOARD on a dress, with a bell bottom silhouette. Woofsicles.

This foreign fella is the apple of many women’s eye if I had to judge based on all the thirsty tweets and yet I don’t get it. It’s like Harry Styles, actor edition. He’s got a mullet and he’s wearing an embroidered skirt…why are we acting like this dweebosaurus is a panty dropper?

NIGHTMARE FUEL. I saw this and was like wait I thought Evan Peters played Jeffrey Dahmer. Color me confused that the guy who showed up dressed like a creep monster was not attending in character but rather just looked at this head to toe whoutfit and thought, I will be irresistible in this.

I didn’t like this look to start and then Aubrey went onstage to present and I audibly gasped at how unforgiving the cut is. I imagine like 99% of Hollywood, Aubrey is a size zero and merely exists on a deep gulp of fresh air whilst hiking, grilled chicken and the occasional wheatgrass smoothie (with oat milk, obv.) And yet, due to the way this fabric is wrapped around her body, she looked fat. If I were her and I peeped the photo below, I’d immediately fire my stylist and anyone else who had a hand in this criss cross applesauce of a fashion choice.

A lace peacock. HOW BOUT NO.

At first glance I felt like Michelle resembled one of those giant swiffers your car cruises by in a car wash, but then she took the stage for her win and I saw the up close and personal deets of this unfortunate dress accessory. Those are literally the crinkly paper fillers you find at the dollar store and stuff in gift baskets. SHE IS WEARING EASTER BASKET FILLER GLUED TO HER FRONT. And even worse, she was NOT self-aware of her frazzled paps dress and let it rustle into the mic for a consistent fuzzy feedback sound that made me want to rip my ears clean off my head for her entire acceptance speech. HOW DO YOU NOT HEAR THE STATIC WHILE YOU’RE SPEAKING?!

I love the headband. Her hair looks amazing. And more importantly, I love that she won and boldly waved her hands around with one of her long black nails just straight up missing from her hand. Jennifer Coolidge is white trash personified and she’s a woman of the commoners. She shows us that we all can have a winning year after a lackluster career of doing a bit character and just haphazardly tossing red carpet looks together. As someone who has dabbled casually in the press-on nails game because my sister is an avid presser, I know how easily one of those guys can pop right off and get lost in the crowd. I can only hope that Jennifer was having herself a night and didn’t even realize one of her talons fell off, reppin gals everywhere who can’t afford to get an ANC mani every 2 weeks but still want fresh digits they can tap on a hard surface. Let’s normalize ratchet nails. (Related side bar, I’ve been vocal about wondering how girls with the long pointed tips wipe without stabbing their buttholes and I have a new question to add to that list…after going to a rock climbing gym for children this weekend and noticing that each employee had Cardi B nails, how exactly are y’all popping harnesses in and out and assisting children as they scale walls with 10 inch plastic daggers attached to each finger? We might have underestimated the next generation because if they can manage that without an oopsie stabbing or ripped finger, they can do anything.)

Head to tail floofs and of course…MER-MAID-BOT-TOM.

I typically shout out any man who wears something different from a black suit but POWDER BLUE?! Really?! ANY other shade of blue would’ve slapped but we had to go with the stereotypical 80’s prom choice…Also, is there a flood coming? James coming off like a real Geekburger here.

What in the actual fuck are we looking at here. I’m speechless.

I think the style of this dress is different and definitely flattering but Michelle looks like she’s 900 years old and I can’t stand for that. The combination of a black gown, pearl necklace, and her hair ripped back in a low library bun is aging her THE MOST. Even her pose looks stiff as hell. I want Jen Lindley back and I wanted her back yesterday. Loosen up, gurlfran!

He was on the best dressed because he’s cute but after hours of hacking away at this list I decided that NOT ALL CUTE BOYS CAN GET AWAY WITH BEING A SNOOZERONI. We need more.

BEST

Beautiful gown topped off by a teeny tiny little bun that is just downright adorable.

Really love that this dress is centered around pulling back all of the fabric to show off your stems. And she’s rockin a pair of gams so I’m glad they pulled back the curtain to reveal ’em.

Honestly probably would’ve loved this blazer as a dress (because it’s long enough, key deet) but this hot pink Barbie power suit is doing it for me.

Curly headed f*ck is still serving in a basic black tux. Rounding out awards season as a thirst trap and reeeealllyyyy making me question why The Bear was considered a comedy because it was most certainly not.

Love this splash of design but not too over the top, also love that he was the only one bold enough to try a bit during his nomination and he crushed a burger. Respect.

Fran has crossed the threshold of the aged Hollywood black dress requirement but the sparkles suit her and she’s rockin that hourglass figure.

Mrs. Sandler looks like a knockout. Adam looks better than when he dons cargo shorts and a double XL grey tee, but still giving schlubby dad vibes with the oversized suit and carrying his cell phone on the red carpet like he’s about to put his readers on and send a size 14 font text to his daughters.

This past weekend we introduced my niece to the MAGIC that is The Parent Trap. About a half hour into the movie when they show an 11 year old stabbing another 11 year old with a raw needle at summer camp, it seemed like maybe this was a little advanced for a kindergartener but that’s why I’m the auntie and a bad influence. The important takeaway here is that The Parent Trap got a new fan in Gen Alpha (yeah I just googled that) and it’s the gift that keeps on giving. Fresh off watching, this reunion hit a little harder especially because Mer and Chessy are polar opposite characters. One is a gold-digging twat, the other a nanny with a heart of gold. Both clean up well TWENTY-FIVE years later.

Now that we’ve done a full awards season with the Abbott Elementary cast, it’s clear Tyler is into stuntin a look. I fully support any man who wants to step out of the box in the suit department but not into a skirt. Try to spice up formal wear without stealing our bag. Tyler did a gr8 job.

Damn this is sexy without being overtly revealing.

Dig the dark frames on Brendan.

This gown is fishy in a glam way. Bet you’ve never heard those two things together before. Also, ever the one to push my own agenda, now that we’re on the topic of this actress, let’s talk about her role that wasn’t nominated but should have been…Zora in From Scratch on Netflix. First of all, 10/10 recommend if you want to feel like you’ve transported to Italy and also want to cry your eye sockets out of your damn skull, second of all #JusticeForZora who spends the ENTIRE movie bending over backwards to cater to her sister while her sister never once takes a minute to appreciate it or ask Zora if she needs anything. Grazie for coming to my Ted Talk.

Apparently the gown was artfully placed in this shot to cover up her ankle bracelet of the law enforcement variety which is laugh out loud funny to me. Also I think she looks great and wanted to give her a shoutout because everything she wore in Emily in Paris made me literally want to puke in my hands so it’s good to see she can wear normal things.

I’m assuming this jabrones is Italian and if he’s not, I wholeheartedly support the Euro-chic effort here. This is what you would see a gent wearing on a regular day in Florence and it makes me happy. Pastel pink pants, royal blue loafs and a velvet blazer. Pretty much has no place at a black tie event but I like to keep everyone on their toes and toss in one ‘committing to the bit’ accolade. Ciao,ciaociaoCIAOOOOO.

Bold red lip and a pants moment, YES PLZZZZZ.

Sally won a lifetime achievement award, presented by Andrew Garfield which could not have been more random and cringey but she’s werkin this lace gown and looks fab.

You don’t see a lot of pastel purple on red carpets these days and I really enjoy this change of pace. The black contrast is fun and makes it a scooch more edgy.

I have a raging girl crush boner for Meghann ever since she played my favorite character Sutton on The Bold Type and therefore she can do no wrong. She looks like a Grecian goddess.

SHELL YEAH. It’s giving Ariel goes to a black tie event and naturally I’m obsessed.

Metallic and sultry and I’m running out of things to say because so many people looked lovely this evening or maybe I’m just taking a night off from being a judgy lil betch but either way, good job Ana.

I’m torn on this one and I decided to be nice. (Seriously, what’s going on with me?! Am I alright?) I think her hair looks amazing and the color is very complementary to her skin-tone, but the tail’s gotta go. It’s like wearing a table runner tacked to the back of your dress. Has absolutely no business trailing after a sixties party frock like this. But the pony and the perfectly winged liner? OoOohhh YEAH.

I’m about to directly contradict what I said about Andrew Garfield but it wouldn’t be a red carpet blog if I didn’t declare something as Bible and then walk it back just because I liked another celeb better. But it’s JOHN KRASINSKI. Or Kraz, as Will Arnett calls him in his deep raspy commercial voice. Pinstripes and a pocket chain? Kinda rough. But it’s Kraz. He’s such a babe soda. Shh, just let it happen.

Her lipstick matches her dress perfectly and you know I have a weak spot for that. All around looking elegant.

Fun, young and edgy. If my old eyes aren’t betraying me those look like shorts underneath the skirt and nobody ships a skort like me. Functional and you never have to worry about your bits being covered when you’ve got shorts underneath, which is why I still wear bike shorts under all my dresses in the summer. BEND OVER FREELY WITH SPANKY PANTS!

There’s two neon moments that made my best dressed (and one that didn’t, you know what you did, Angela.) Bright colors bring me joy and this is a funky highlighter princess gown.

Austin took a lot of heat for trying to talk like Elvis forever but he can talk in any accent he’d like lookin like maroon sex on a stick.

There’s lots of things that are working here: the long sleeves, the wavy neckline and the matching neon clutch. Also no outfit is complete without a statement hoop. Top contender for best dressed.

Really love this sparkly blush number on Sheryl.

The straight spiky bun is giving me hard flashbacks to me trying to replicate that out of a Seventeen magazine with chopsticks stuck through it. Spoiler alert: my hair type will never be perfect bun with sticks and for that I am sad. Bunz aside, I’m all about this chunky pearl of a dress.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT

No stranger to a best dressed list, Zendaya usually pulls out all of the stops and often has many quick changes throughout the night so she can shove her impeccable sense of fashion down our little peasant throats. A moment of silence for a gown that is covered in intricate satin roses. She looks stunning and she knows it.

Red Carpet

Grammys Red Carpet 2023

Welcome back! I feel like it’s important to really emphasize my fashion expertise. I’ve found that my red carpet blogs sometimes get looks from strangers who think they’ve just stumbled upon a lovely roundup of what the celebs wore and instead they’re treated to Joan Rivers reaching up from beyond the grave to punch you right in the face with snarky and critical commentary. So I gotta be candid with you. I put on an outfit yesterday, looked at myself in the mirror and thought wow I should be arrested for looking this good.

I mean come on. From the Men’s Walmart raglan that absolutely doesn’t match, to the swoveralls to the slipper socks, THIS IS FASHION, BABY. I’ve never felt more qualified to do this work. It is my calling to inform the world on what looks good and what doesn’t and then draw conclusions about these people as human beings based on the clothes they’ve chosen to wear for one evening. Please join me on this journey, won’t you?

WORST.

Kicking things off with a bitter bitch take you will feel in your bones. I cannot watch another second of another red carpet with Laverne Cox. Someone needs to put her out of her misery before I throw my TV off of my balcony. This woman does not belong anywhere near a mic in any sort of ad lib profession. It is BRUTAL. When she doesn’t know what to say (always) she just shouts WERK IT. I heard that phrase about 6 zillion times. She stumbles over her questions, she doesn’t know how to fill dead air, she says the same 4 phrases and she rips the mic away to talk when the person isn’t finished. Red carpets are awkward as hell. You have about 15 seconds to get a soundbyte and even the most seasoned hosts can get a cringe interaction. WE CAN NOT BE OUT HERE JUST SENDING ANYONE TO A RED CARPET WITH A MIC. BOOOOoooOOOOOOOOOoooOOOO. And that’s it. I don’t care what she’s wearing. She will land on my worst dressed forever and ever until they get her the hell off my TV. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

This is so caberet and old and boring and WHAT is that amoeba on your neck?! Rita you’ve got a damn bod on you and I don’t want to see it draped in a sequined garbage bag ever again.

What are we looking at here, good sirs? Are those dandelions? Mushrooms? A weird trippy hybrid of both? No gracias.

I have a strong gut feeling that the designer of this dress ripped up the carpet at the Borgata in AC and tossed it on Heidi. I can smell the cig smoke and hear the slot machines just from looking at it.

I am astonished at the amount of work these two pointy tabs of fabric are putting in to keep that rack above sea level. Hot damn, if you zoom in you can see that each side is breaking a sweat from the sheer weight of those bazookas. Ashley, bbgurl, you’ve got a strict thick strap top half, take notes for next year.

Mary, I wanna give this one to you, I do. Who doesn’t love a disco ball dress? And yet, you had to give me all the uncomfies with those cutouts. If you need a bikini wax for your red carpet dress, it’s showing too much. I never want to risk peeping a cesarean scar in an evening gown.

Doja Cat is known for being an edgy fashion risk-taker. She was just at Paris Fashion Week with red crystals glued all over her entire body. So it’s not surprising in the least that her style and my style don’t exactly mesh. Wrapping herself in latex Hefty and having bangs that give me sweaty flashbacks to Jen Lindley in Season 5 of Dawson’s Creek is gonna be a no for me, dawg.

Pornstar Barbie! I’m usually blindly Team Bebe because I’ve seen her shake that magic ass live and I support her ‘F Off For Calling Me Fat, Hollywood’ mentality but I cannot turn a blind eye to this. This is a Hugh Hefner original and we all know what a perv Hef was so we’ve gotta do better than this, ladies.

You may hate my distaste for seeing areolas on a red carpet, but at least I’m equal parts boobie hater. Don’t care what your gender is, a formal event is not a good enough reason for me to see your nipples. I truly from the bottom of my tits, do not understand the obsession with Harry Styles. I had a brief love affair with him in his later 1D years because he had swagger and a sense of humor. And then I grew up. And suddenly Harry goes solo, starts painting his nails and wearing literal clown outfits like this and everyone is SOAKED for him. He’s a subpar singer and dancer at best. MAKE IT MAKE SENSE.

I thought we had finally escaped the I got a swirlie before I left the house trend. And obviously as someone that is 99% of the time wearing a baggy onesie, belly buttons out is always gonna be a hard no for me.

Is Jack Harlow committing a heist? What’s with the leather gloves, homeslice? Really killing the Khaki on Khaki vibe here and making that sweater vest REAL creepy. That is a man who wants to hide a fingerprint if I’ve ever seen one.

Gotta be honest it’s been a whole minute since we’ve seen the tried and true vag flap. That was real hot a few years back. Everyone was courtesy flappin their lady parts. And this one, this one is really special. We’ve got a flap AND the luhh-handles cutouts. (I use that term with the MOST sarcasm because there is no handle there, she’s skinny AF.) If this dress wasn’t attacked by scissors, it’d be a home run. But we just HAD to show all of the skin! Insert the deepest eye roll here.

What in the cow fuckery is this, Shania? This is Elmer Fudd meets Cruella. It pains me to come at a queen like Shania, but let this be a lesson to all…no one is safe. Not even the legend who created the most party-startin phrase of all time, “Let’s Go Girls.” I get that she’s having a moment right now. She’s got new music, back on tour again, riding that Harry Styles wave, Queen of the Gays, and yet we don’t need to be going this far. Save the bold wigs for drag brunch and your Vegas show. Strut the Grammys carpet in a classic leopard and call it a day, booboo.

I’ve said it EVERY SINGLE awards show…STOP TRYING TO BRING BACK THE JT & BRITNEY DENIM THROWBACK. It is ICONIC. It will NEVER be recreated. This is stupid and embarrassing. What are those on your feet? JOOTS?! Beat it, nerd.

Speaking of losers. I’m surprised they didn’t come in a conjoined costume with their tongues attached. Here’s another submission where I don’t have a bone to pick with the outfit as much as the person (see: Laverne Cox). MGK is a polarizing personality and apparently he’s taken the temperature of the room and realized everyone finds him insufferable so the persona he tried on last night was humble bumbling idiot. Between him not being able to complete a sentence, and Laverne Cox interviewing him, I nearly dialed 911 to see if they could send an EMT to put my skin back on my body because I had CRINGED OUT OF IT. He was trying to say that he’s just grateful to be able to make music because that brings him joy and awards don’t matter but what he said instead was “I was thinking about things in the car and um…I um…I don’t…” BLOW MY BRAINS OUT. GO AWAY. BOTH OF YOU.

I hate everything about this. The half up half down top knot with the stupid 90’s pieces in the front and the keyhole spaghetti halter. Woooooooooof. You’re a mom now, Paris. Do better than recreating an outfit you probably wore to the club as a teenager.

Selenas is the only singer who can pull off a bedazzled bra and anyone else is just trying too hard. I don’t make the rules, I just enforce them. This is one step up from pasties and it is downright trashy. Sorry not sorry.

I love a bold color and I feel like we definitely didn’t have enough of that last night but I loathe the style of this dress. Hatehatehate, double hate, LOATHE ENTIRELY. It is the 2000’s prom dress and there is no rhyme or reason to the direction of the chiffon or the random lines of beading.

Peplum needs to be brought out back and shot.

It’s giving dad goes to pick up his kids from a high school dance and tries to toss a piece over his work clothes that he thinks Harry Styles would wear.

No. Just no. If Snooki were to win an award at the height of the Jersey Shore in 2011, this is what she would’ve worn and for that reason, I’m out. You sir are one of the richest people for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON as all you do is shout area codes and city names and BLESS UP over other people singing and yet your family shows up to the Grammys in matching Tiger King getups?! Get LAWST.

What was the vision here? Because if it was vagina-shaped crow, then you really nailed it, sista.

This is all-around bad. Miranda looks rough without adding a thrift shop rhinestone bedazzled gown into the mix. Also, not related but kinda related…I texted my sister yesterday that her sham of a marriage to that infant cop who left his pregnant wife for her has already lasted WAY longer than I ever would have predicted and I’m actually mad about it. Either they’re trying to prove a point by staying together or he’s a shell of a human who just rides her rhinestones and hopes she never kicks him loose.

I quite literally almost yakked in my hands at the sight of this atrocity. WHY ARE WE DRESSING A GROWN ADULT MAN LIKE HE’S IN FIRST GRADE IN 1996?! WHAT ABOUT THIS IS OK? I had those socks and those shoes when I was a small child. But even as a stupid 7 year old, I wouldn’t have been caught dead in an embroidered joutfit. Jorts and a joodie? I mean, are we ok here?! I wish I could unsee all of this. But since I can’t, I felt it was necessary to include so that everyone else could suffer with me. Cause that’s what I do best, make others hate their lives just as much as I do. YA WELCOME.

Sic the Yonce police on me but this mixed media foil dress stinks. And the wet hair. UGH. If you were an hour late to the ceremony because you were “stuck in traffic,” there is no excuse for looking like you just hopped out of the shower. Also, not to bring it back to me (but 100% to bring it back to me) I had this hairstyle EVERY single morning for the past 20 years of my life. I’d hop out the shower, flip my head upside down, spritz John Frieda Dream Curls, scrunch and then roll out for school or work letting my sopping wet curls dry at their own pace and however they felt like drying would determine if it was a hair up or down day. FINALLY I have matured. I bought myself a diffuser and a little curl cream and ya girl is learning how to style her naturally curly hair for the first time in her life at age 31. And might I say, on the mornings that I have a whole hour to devote to this process, it is OVER for you hoes. The Salty Ju’s got her Curl Back. Take notes, Bey.

BEST

I was ready to rip this shit and then I was like yanno what? This ain’t that cray. She looks good, there’s no near flashings, good color and it looks like this top part stands on its own, which is like hoods up, regal style. Maybe if I had this contraption my parents wouldn’t have banned hoods in my teen years. So chic.

Smokes with a teal suit. Get it, Gramps!

10/10 for couple coordination. Silver and gold? Adorable.

I’ve razzed this fella’s 70’s schtick before but this is one of his more digestible retro outfits so I’ll give it to him. Grandma’s curtains for sure but no one can deny a set of jazz hands like that.

It’s the women of a certain age uniform but Sheryl looks great and that lil leg pop seals the deal.

White before Memorial Day? Wasn’t me.

I dig Daryl getting after Wednesday Addams with these bold tights and combat boots. She followed the 50+ wears black rule carried a scooch too far at the Golden Globes but made it fresh and funky and her own.

This is playing it real safe but Carly looks good so no harm, no foul.

Lizzo has worn some REAL weird shit and as someone who gets hard for a flower of any flavor, I very much loved her being draped in a red garden here. Sure, it’s obnoxious, but it’s also kind of elegant to be drowning in fabric on a red carpet, makes me think of Bridgerton-esque mating season. You wanna marry me? FIND ME UNDER THE LAYERS OF FLOWERS, DUKE.

I fuck with a coordinated look. Don’t get me wrong, this supporting cast of characters will absolutely give me nightmares. However, Kim and Sam are SERVING here. Veils and pimp hats and canes, oh my!

That is a MF’ing topknot right there. That thing has LEVELS. I’m also into this witchy cloak the Queen is rockin.

That is a jacket fit for a gentleman with the ability to spit straight bars without taking a breathe.

I love the fact that Bonnie came to the show in probably the same sassy blazer and black skinny combo that she’s been struttin for years and walked home with Song of the Year ripping it from all of today’s biggest pop stars. What a boss move.

Not as coordinated as the Rock and his lady but each look amazing in their own right.

Remember when Nelly used to wear a sweatsuit, fitted and bandaid under his eye? HE GROWN. Look at him now! Damn. (No worries…he revisited the good ole days for his performance so never forget he can do BOTH. Sweat AND suit. #tbt)

Red seems to be the color of the night and I can groove with this studded leather set. Plus I actually own that leather hat.

I’d give you a million dollars to guess who this is and there’s NO SHOT you’d win it by guessing Michelle Branch. She hasn’t hit the age threshold for a black dress requirement yet but she looks cool as hell in it. The shades really add an air of Fuck All the Way Off. It’s funny how Pharell’s shades make him look like he gets an Oat Milk Latte every morning and Michelle’s make her look like she’s hungover from closing down the club last night and only showed up as a favor to us all. Sunnies can make a statement, folks. That’s why I have a whole wall of them.

Never love a bare chest but a sparkle bomber is always going to get a stamp of approval from me. And a quarter-zip no less? My lord.

Fat Joe not lookin so fat anymore! Good for you, man. What I am confused about is why this trim, trendy lookin MF’er did not get his 30 second spotlight during the History of Hip-Hop to lean back. Fat Joe WAS Hip-Hop in the 2000’s. To not feature him in that segment is pure robbery. At least his geometric Barbie shades are cool as hell.

I will forever bow down to a Crop Coords Tay. When she rolled out the 1989 era in 2014 and exclusively wore crop coordinates for 2 solid years, I scrambled on out to Target and bought my own set. And you know what’s some real shit? I had the PEAK body for a crop top at this time and I only wore that outfit twice. I should’ve been wearing it to work instead of a drunken night that ended in a gas station photoshoot. Here’s me getting snagged by the paps. TYSM to Taylor for inspiring a movement of upper mid section flashing, making being a girl who doesn’t want to flash all her bits, just as sexy.

What a lovely pink feathery exploszj. It’s a little off-putting that she’s wearing the same motion capture suit they make you wear when they’re turning you into a video game. That floof of soft pink really distracts from it though and all I could think was FUN AND SOFT! (It’s possible I was accidentally overserved this evening…by myself.)

GIMME THIS JACKET, BUB.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

Threw you for a curveball here, huh? Apparently all we needed to do was pull Hillary Scott away from Lady A and she’s dressed to the damn nines. I’ve never seen her look this chic. Usually we see the jacket and shorts or jacket as a mini dress angle but full-length tuxedo jacket? Yes ma’am! I find this soft white look with minimal makeup and jewels to be elegant as hell and stood out to me among the rest.

Not at all red carpet relevant but my only tweet from last night that got any attention was this one…

If there’s one thing I can take away from Grammy’s Twitter, it’s that Ben Affleck needs to be rescued.
— Julia Giantomasi (@TheSaltyJu) February 6, 2023

And if you need a good, deep belly laugh to get you through this Monday, might I suggest you cruise through Ben Affleck at the Grammys twitter. From just a few photos/video clips, the world gathered that Ben Affleck was basically on suicide watch as JLo’s arm candy and it was the most unexpected goss of the evening. I also happened to stumble upon a TikTok of Ben and Jen at a party and if you read Ben’s lips it looks like he’s shouting “I didn’t have a drink” and then “JEN” and she looks pissed. And to that I say, she should’ve read my letter before she married him. No but seriously though, all jokes aside, I give them 2 years before this implodes. I even texted my sister about it after all the hustle and bustle of last night. So it’s official. My prediction is out in the world and I guess we’ll just have to wait for the text (or the email, on the JLo) when it crumbles. But until then, we will joke about Ben wanting to be at Dunks instead and make more memes of his displeased face.

(Obviously I followed up that psychotic response with a gif of the movie the problem child where the kid is dressed as a devil and laughing, because taking pleasure in other people’s pain is truly terrible behavior. At least I’m self aware.) Here’s some Twitter highlights:

Ben Affleck looks like he’s thinking about the best sandwich he ever ate in his life and then remembering that place closed down. pic.twitter.com/BUC9trJUEb
— Mike Beauvais (@MikeBeauvais) February 6, 2023

Someone please check on Ben Affleck #GRAMMYs pic.twitter.com/W8A5hVb6LJ
— Chicks in the Office (@ChicksInTheOff) February 6, 2023

Ben Affleck during a commercial pic.twitter.com/lzKtdUdfUa
— Queen Anne of Hedonia 🦒 (@MissBeteNoire) February 6, 2023

Red Carpet

Golden Globes Red Carpet 2023

I gotta be completely honest, when the host, Jerrod Carmichael, got on stage and was like obviously last year’s Golden Globes were cancelled because the Hollywood Foreign Press Association is racist as hell and I’m here because I’m black…I was genuinely shocked to hear this information. Not the racism part, the cancellation part. It’s only been a year since they got cancelled and it was as if I was hearing this announcement for the very first time. My brain is absolute mush in my old age. So I guess welcome back, Golden Globes!

I would be remiss not to make the one comment no one seems willing to make that may ruffle a few feathers but what’s a blog for if not to ruffle some feathers. The opening monologue called out the hypocrisy of an association that didn’t have a black member until the death of George Floyd and then hired a black director and a black host for its comeback…and then BAM BAM BAM the first three awards given out went to people of color. And I’m not questioning the talent of any of these actors, but I do wonder how legitimate these awards are when it’s clear the Globes are trying to make up for lost time and stop actively looking racist. The thought HAD to have crossed these actors minds. And that sucks. That’s gotta take away from their win. I knew we were really digging in deep in the ‘let’s show we’re NOT RACIST AT ALL’ front when Taylor Swift, Rihanna & Lady Gaga were all nominated for best original song for a movie and a song called “Natu Natu” all in Indian won. They weren’t even trying to hide it. So anyway, I’m not sure what’s better, an awards show that only awards whites, or an awards show that only awards people of color to make up for only awarding whites. All I know is I support Abbott Elementary getting the recognition it deserves because I haven’t loved a sitcom this much in a VERY long time.

But back to the real reason I’m here, not to drop some uncomfy cultural observations on Hollywood (which is still racist, btw) but to tell you if an outfit is eye-burningly hideous regardless of the gender or ethnicity of the human wearing it, the way God (Joan Rivers) intended.

WORST

Kicking things off with a classic pair of Golden Globes, heyyyyooooo. You knew I had to make that dad joke AT LEAST once and I’m glad I got it out of my system right at the top of the hour. Besides being punched in the face by Salma’s hooters, I think black straps on a nude gown is really tossing a “ma’am your bra straps are showing” trashy vibe out there.

Honestly she had me right up until the bottom and for that reason I’m out.

This is something Samantha Jones would wear to one of her PR parties back in ’97 and even though every woman wants to be like Oh, you like Sex and the City, I’m totally a Samantha, in this case it’s really not something to brag about.

This is a tacky cheap prom dress. The color is horrendous and that flower accented by a spaghetti strap halter top, my lanta.

Clean it up, Jenny.

Tonight’s edition of sparkly Hefty bag.

It’s giving French maid and honestly if you’re going to a major awards show in peak season, this ain’t it. Even if that awards show is on a Tuesday.

Respectfully, no. Head to toe pervy 70’s strip club owner.

Is Heidi OK? What is happening here? This is Vegas showgirl in a sad way, not a fun way. Even her makeup and hair…who did this to you, bbgirl?

Legit question, what is holding this dress up?

We’ve always got a trend that everyone is jumping on for each red carpet and last night’s was all of the fabric. Between big ole skirts and trains and shawls and fabric dragging every which way, it shouldn’t be shocking at all to learn that I hated it.

Do less, God Bless.

Ok, so do less than swaddling yourself in taffeta and do more than wearing lingerie. This should be self-explanatory but celebrities are a whole different animal.

UGH I’m mad about this. She had to scuffle up that mermaid tail and drag it all the way from the cheap seats in the back, thwacking the chairs of A-list celebs along the way to accept her award. I hope this taught Quinta an important fashion lesson that every woman must learn on her own…a mermaid bottom is never the choice.

THERE IS SO MUCH FABRIC.

Ditch the sleeves with rattails, buttercup. They’re stupid. (What I would say if I worked for Selena and she asked me what I thought of this outfit)

Right in line with the mermaid tail, we can tack cupcake bottom to the no-fly list as well. I mean, have I been screaming into the void for 8 years of red carpets now?! IS ANYONE OUT THERE LISTENING?! Unless you’re attending a theme party twirling a parasol, this is not a good enough reason to be dripping in ruffles.

MICHELLE. WHAT THE HELL. YOU’RE BETTER THAN THIS.

The sheer shirt and giant fabric flower made my panties dry RIGHT up.

Are you even rich and famous if you show up to a red carpet with the bottom of your dress sopping wet because it dragged through puddles on a sidewalk? I mean, that’s some poor people shit right there. You’ve gotta have assistants SPECIFICALLY paid to carry your train for you. I would have an epic Naomi Campbell meltdown if this happened. Anywho, regardless of her swamp hem, the tank on the left and tee on the right was a no for me. Either let your pits breathe or cover them up. There’s no “either, and” option here.

I’m not going to rip a fresh rant on peplum because you already know what it is. Mermaid, cupcake, peplum. If the style has a stupid name, DITCH IT, MAMA.

Seeing Babyface’s bare chest under his suit coat truly gave me the ick.

BEST

Yes, CHEF.

Had to make a real concession here with that stupid bow but A TWO-TONED TEAL SUIT?! OH, OK.

Oh shit that is fresh.

My obsession with a tie dyed jumpsuit (I own far too many) translated over to this jazzy number and might I also add this pose is cocky as hell. One hand in the pocket, the other showing off your bling. Gonna pose like this from now on, just need some bling.

DAYUMN that body-ody-ody-ody-ody.

Wildly different approaches and I love them both.

Adorbsies lil bump and top bun in a color we don’t see a whole lot of.

Sigourney took a page out of the “older women wear a sleek and traditional black gown” book and it’s a popular pick for a reason. Flattering and timeless.

Great wavy hair, lovely soft pink tone and fun little twist with the lace bottom.

Don’t get me wrong, this falls into the too much fabric category and overall is stupid HOW-EV-ER, to be fair, if you’re going to hop on a dumb trend that you’ll regret in a year, one thing you’ll NEVER regret is showcasing your stemz at their peak. I support this move wholeheartedly. Let those gams breathe! (As it turns out this was the show’s pianist and she probably wore this style so she could have legs free to shove under a piano and pump those pedals but I hope she reads this and knows how hot her legs are and they shouldn’t be hidden under a piano.)

I kinda feel like they did Ana dirty with this picture as it looks like a low angle, which we all know should be illegal. But shocking to no one I would die for this color combo. GIMME ALL THE OCEAN TONES. SUFFOCATE ME WITH THEM. Too far? Probably. Nothing new here.

Another bun/bump duo! Was this a requirement? Hey if you’re pregnant you must also do a top bun to accentuate that you have a BUN in the oven. Get it?! Props for the purple princess gown.

Ohhhh yeah this is FIERCE.

Kinda suprised myself with liking this one because on more than one occasion, I’ve spent weeks getting in my car and discovering new spiderwebs on my dashboard and in my windshield. And I’d clean them off and then come back to more the next day. There’s nothing more terrifying than discovering it’s an inside job but never finding the culprit of these sticky butt-string houses. I seem to be a real magnet for spiders wanting to ride around with me like I’m some sort of arachnid Uber. And every single time it happens I consider setting my car on fire and hoping the insurance covers spider arson. All of that to say, I hate spiderwebs but make a bedazzled spiderweb on a dress and I am SLIVING FOR IT, HONEY.

ADA was here for her role as Marilyn Monroe and she could’ve easily fallen into the Marilyn trope and had those yabbos on display but I respect even more that she didn’t. She went as herself and looks chic AF. (Unlike Kim Kardashian who starved herself then wedged her too big body into Marilyn’s historically famous gown, ripping it along the way, just so she could have a ‘look at me’ moment at the Met Gala. #PeopleDon’tForget.)

I have a real boner for the floral details on this dress.

THIS IS A MOMENT. Hair, makeup, majestic purple glamour all on point.

Obviously all of the love is for that babe soda Glen for wearin’ that suit. The ruffle skirt on his arm candy can die away from me.

I’ve never seen a more perfectly fitted gown.

Jamie Lee spicing up the ‘women of a certain age’ look with some lace

Great red gown and matching red lip. No clue who this is but you nailed it, booboo.

HELL YEA pastel suit from this young chap. Off to a great start with your style career, junior.

Another young’n, (no fact checking she just looks young) in a regal curtain-y dress.

Angela’s been around the block a time or two and knows how to give hand on hip ‘TUDE on a red carpet. I’m afraid to ever be on her bad side and also in awe of her glam. Mission accomplished.

Easily one of my top looks of the night. I really love this eggplant color, not so into the fitted sheet she’s schlepping around but it is what it is. The dress fits her like a glove and that makes up for the fabric ‘splosion accent.

Rocking this alabaster skin with a color like this and pulling it off is almost enough to make me stop baking my skin off in the sun every chance I get to achieve an optimal skin tone for neon colors. Almost.

Honestly Jennifer Coolidge can wear whatever the hell she wants because she’s an icon and was easily the funniest person at the show last night and she wasn’t even trying that hard.

The tux dress is Billy’s signature and I’m down for the magenta version.

A BUMP WITH A BUMP. Ok, I’m not imagining it here, guys. Pregnant women were exclusively told to have one hairstyle on this red carpet and I’m not being dramatic. She literally has a bump-it in her hair. The inconveniently long ribbons pulling behind her are dumb but she makes up for it by stuntin those pockets all over you hoes.

What an all-around fabulous look and another fave of mine from the night.

I don’t make the rules, I just point them out to the world and occasionally laugh at them but for realz every actress above the age of 55 was told to wear a black long-sleeve gown. On the one hand, you can’t possibly look bad in that and on the other hand, I feel like they should be offended that they reach AARP age and suddenly have to dress like they’re attending their own funeral. Regardless, Jean looks gr8.

We’re starting to lose it here, folks. Fun peek behind the curtain that is The Salty Ju, although these blogs are read and appreciated by a very small sample sale of people, I put more effort into them than I do my full-time job. When I do a red carpet I start collecting pictures when the show starts, work on it while I watch, sipping wine to keep me awake past my bedtime, and I don’t finish writing these stupid lil captions until the awards show has concluded. That’s about three and a half hours for the mathematicians at home. And then I wake up the next morning and edit to correct any of my sloppy mistakes before publishing it by 9am. So, next time you make fun of my blog, make sure you laugh extra hard at how many precious minutes I spend crafting these silly words that nearly no one reads. I may devote way too much time to a red carpet but I ALWAYS appreciate a bold floral and lip.

Ending on a REAL high note because if you don’t root for a guy who gives a strong point as his red carpet pose then you must have a giant dump in your pants. This makes me so happy and the cherry on top is that he looks fresh to death while he cocks that finger gun, locked and loaded. Hoping for dubz gunz at the Oscars.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

Let the records show that I was a fan of MANY looks on this red carpet (for anyone who dumps all over my harsh fashion dumping…say dump again) but this one stuck with me throughout this very professional fashion critique. Jenna is just twenty years old, a lil baby, and she’s crushing this very mature look. Great color for her skin tone and hair, minimal jewels so as not to take away from her ROCKIN bod. If I could go back in time to 20 years old I would also be poppin my midriff all over the joint. I’d smash my 20-year-old body in everyone’s grillpiece. Cause little known trade secret, your body just gets WORSE AND WORSE with each year that comes until eventually it’s a flabby and wrinkled outershell of what it used to be. Women should be required to take all of the nudes in their early twenties to document that shit. It’s all downhill from there! But I digress. CONGRATS ON YOUR ABS AND BEAUTY AND FASHION CHOICES, JENNA! Proud of you.

Red Carpet

Emmys 2022

I gotta be honest I didn’t know the Emmys were last night until I did my typical dinner-time IG scroll and saw red carpet looks. I’m embarrassed to admit that but I like to always keep it real here and the truth is I think I’m getting too old for this shit?! These days Taylor Swift drops a brand new album announcement at midnight after an awards show that I finally realized I’ve aged out of (VMA’s) and I don’t know about it because I’ve been snug as a bug in a rug fast asleep since 10pm. I am ashamed that I’ve fallen off and I will spend this awards season clinging on for dear life. IT’S NOT MY TIME TO GO QUIETLY INTO THE NIGHT YET.

WORST.

I love mint as much as the next basic bitch but this pastel cupcake gown is TOO MUCH. It’s like when everyone in the 80’s thought it was chic to wear a hat and white gloves on their wedding day. The time has passed, bb.

This hair is unforgivable. Jean Smart looks great and has kept it TOIGHT, but my god is that an old lady updo. I can literally smell the aqua net just looking at this photo.

Oh honey, you get that on SHEIN? Use that free shipping code?

I’m gonna be real contradictory when you get to the best dressed and see some white lewks on there but this screamed geekburger to me. I know he’s trying to be chic with his bleached hair and clear framed glasses but it’s all just making me wanna scream NERD. And black loafers to finish it off. Woof.

AH MY EYES! MY EYES!!!! This color is loud and puketastic to begin with and then a translucent human being was like lemme give it a try though, bet I can make it work.

What fresh hell is combining black tights & heels with a cream gown? And the JoAnn Fabrics flowers hot glued to it really are the pièce de résistance.

Alright Julia is trolling a fellow Julia here, right? Like this is a perfectly crafted prank for my red carpet blog. Setting up a BELLY BUTTON DIAMOND HOLE IN THE MIDDLE OF A DRESS. I repeat, A DIAMOND CUTOUT WITH THE BELLY BUTTON DEAD CENTER AS THE MAIN EVENT. ARE YA KIDDING ME, HOMEGURL? I literally cannot even begin to break down the rest of this outfit because BeLLy BuTtOn.

Oh get the hell out of here ole placemat over your shoulders lookin’ ass.

Those hard flares really threw me for a loop, I’m not gonna lie. And the tiny jacket.

I hated this when I first saw it and then it caught the light when she was onstage and the top loofah ruffle has a plastic shine to it and that reignited my hate.

This is a preschool ballet recital costume and you will never be able to convince me otherwise. Grow up, Kaley.

There is a time and a place for this outfit and that time is never and that place is nowhere.

It’s the v-neck of feathers for me, dawg.

I’ll give a million bucks to the person who can locate this good sir’s legs and/or ankles somewhere in this sea of pantaloon fabric.

Look, if your outfit compels me to google “pink outfit lady from Harry Potter” ya know it’s gonna be on the worst dressed list.

Peplum and tiered skirts need to DIE AWAY FROM ME because they are HIDEOUS.

No thanks to the pinned and curled hair and her cape/gown situation looks like a vagina. Sorry, not sorry.

Connie did us all REAL dirty by pulling those luscious locks out of sight. Gurlfrand, your hair is PERFECTION and you’re gonna hide it from us?! RUDE. Also, the dress and cape look cheap AF and we know Connie is TV royalty and will spare no expense for a red carpet look so this is really an off year for her.

Please scroll up and see my fury for peplum and tiered ruffles because THIS DRESS WENT AND DID BOTH. Puke city, population: me.

Black and white gowns will not hesitate to liken you to a killer whale even if you’re the skinniest person alive and I don’t know how no one has learned this yet. Also she’s about 4 inches from a belly button cutout and ENOUGH IS ENOUGH WITH THE MIDSECTION PEEPHOLES.

Not Worst But Also Not Best

I was conflicted on enough looks to create this fun middle category this time around. (AKA something pissed me off about each look to disqualify from best dressed, but they weren’t diamond belly cutout status.)

This is super boring but she looks good. And LOLZ to the Kristin Cavallari 2004 black choker.

I would L-O-V-E this dress if it didn’t have a lumpy butt cape attached to it.

She looks good but we can definitely just snip snip that netting at the top because it is supes unnecessary. Also kinda would’ve respected her more if she showed up in a white button down with sloppy hair & red lip and spoke in the Elizabeth Holmes low octave monotone in her acceptance speech.

Very into the color of this dress and the way her boobs stand at attention perfectly as if she’s got a wax figurine rack. Very not into the slicked back bun and whatever jingle jangles were glued all over this dress.

This is kind of a bitchy post (what’s new) but if everyone is going to SLOBBER all over Zendaya and her fashion sense, wearing a plain black gown with a high pony is a real low-risk snoozeroni. Naturally she looks beautiful and you can’t go wrong with a classic black ball gown but also not impressed and I better not see ONE SINGLE think piece on Zendaya’s high brow fashion choices here.

She’s not posing at a great angle here but I’ve always had a “that’s enough” attitude toward unnaturally high slits. A rhinestone pony though? Hell yea, chick! My humble opinion on her look went right into the trash when she won and got up onstage and BELTED. Queen owned the stage and she can wear whatever the hell she wants.

I’m obsessed with a Barbie pink as much as the next Elle Woods but haven’t been a fan of the variations of matronly blazer dress that we’ve seen in this shade so far this year.

A Jessica Rabbit moment that would’ve KILLED with soft waves and WHY IS EVERYONE PULLING THEIR HAIR BACK HONESTLY MIDAS WHALE JUST WEAR A BASEBALL CAP IF WE’RE GOING TO KEEP SLICKIN IT UP.

SEE ABOVE HAIR RANT.

BEST

God I hope this material is like shapewear and slurps it all in because I can’t even imagine having a midsection that cinched. Lily probably doesn’t eat cheese.

S’cute for Chris to bring his daughter and for that daughter to not ruin this special moment by dressing like a hooch. Supes heartwarming in this day and age.

Purple is having a moment right now ever since Miss Flo blew up Venice with a sassy poutfit so let’s all get down with this sparkle suit.

Obviously we need to address the areola(s) in the room first. I can really only see one, but I imagine both are peeking out. I encourage nipple coverage when there is flash photography involved but I’d be a real a*hole to throw this one away over a little highbeam situation. Dress, hair and red lip are stunning but maybe slap on some pasties next time.

Amy wears a basic primary color dress pretty much every year (much like Reese) and still looks like a babe soda so I accept.

Ooh YES I live for a coordinated handbag moment.

Chessie is an American Treasure and she could’ve worn a curtain from the parlor of the East Wing with a bejeweled belt and a seashell clutch and I’d still bow down. Cause that’s what she did. But damnit if she’s PULLING IT OFF.

Love the colors of this dress and the longsleeve curveball. Plus ever since I unfollowed Chrissy on all social media, I’ve become much less hostile toward her.

Don’t know what the hell this side tie is but it’s working for him.

I mean, come on. It’s actually unfair how hot she looks. DAYUMMNNNNNNN.

This is a restitution pick. For the almost 8 years (yoikes) that I’ve had this blog, I’ve ripped apart Maggie Gyllenhaal on the red carpet each and every time. And it’s time for me to throw her a frickin bone. She looks good here. Her brother is still a butthole and I’ll remember it all too well forever, but Maggie, good job.

Reese kills it every time but I’m loving this little spice in the dress pattern. Get down with your bad self, Reese, branching out from the plain gown.

I am mesmerized by this dress. It’s not the most flattering shape but I can’t stop staring at it. Really wish I could get my digits on it for a pet cause I gotta know what the texture is like. What it looks like is a hard shell that she’s clunking around and we really should be allowed to just show up to the red carpet and get a grab in for research purposes.

Can’t explain it. Don’t know why. But this look is doing it for me. He’s essentially wearing the black version of the outfit that I roasted on Seth Rogen but WHAT A DIFFERENCE color and a cool sexy stare with tousled hair makes. Oh yeah you put that hand in your pocket, Adam.

Equally as into the nude and black combo. Basically the next portion of this list is just me horning it up over men’s fash.

Andrew’s giving off real Malibu Barbie hits Hollywood vibes in this casj cream suit.

Host of the show got the purple memo.

Sexy lil snakeskin coat.

Again, TOTAL CONTRADICTION cause Seth in this trend is yucky, but Cousin Greg looks suave as hell and I don’t even care that he tossed on black shoes with a whoutfit.

SERVING that pattern.

Bob was literally at death’s door like 4 months ago and he’s really lookin chic here.

GORGE.

This man wears a classic black tux like nobody’s biz.

Wooooo buddy, the cast of Ted Lasso sure knows how to dress.

V. flattering style and just enough pizazz not to make it boring. The queen of TV really nailed it.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

I guess I’ve matured out of the days when my sister and I would see a brown outfit and call it a poop suit because Quinta was the clear winner of the night for me. Not only am I a fan of Abbott Elementary and was excited when she won, but my girl ate that. (For those of you OLDS, that’s what the kids these days say when someone looks good, according to my sources.) Makeup and hair on point, coordinated shoes and jewels, plus a leg moment and I’m very captivated by that candy wrapper shiny texture on the bodice. Top to bottom beaut.

Red Carpet

Oscars Red Carpet 2022

We take what we can get for awards season now…this cold hard truth not only applies to the drought of red carpets nowadays but also the three raggedy ass hosts they cobbled together for this awards show. One, that I might add, operated perfectly fine without a host at all in previous years and no one even missed irrelevant comedians telling the obvious ‘Leonardo Dicaprio only dates younger’ jokes and terribly unfunny bits. And even though the job has been done by one or sometimes none, we had three women last night trying to entertain us and make us laugh and the show was painfully boring up until Will Smith cold cocked Chris Rock for making a joke about his wife being GI Jane (she is bald due to alopecia.) I only know that this happened because of Twitter. ABC cut the whole thing then everyone went ahead and kept it moving like dad didn’t just hit mom at the dinner table. Nothin like covering up a physical fight on live TV! But don’t worry, whoever Will Smith blew at the network continued to cover his ass when he accepted an award later on and proceeded to blubber onstage about protecting his family and the things we do for love. He got a REAL nice edit as we basically watched a screensaver instead of him snotting up all the boogs in a tight closeup. They also allowed him to basically word vomit and slobber for as long as he pleased without playing him off. So here’s the deal…if we’re going to be deprived of awards shows, the few that we get better have as much drama as an episode of Below Deck and the next time a network tries to cut out and cover it up, heads are gonna roll. GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT. Anyway, here’s how everyone dressed for the celebrity smackdown of ’22.

WORST.

It’s the puffy sleeves and black lace gloves for me. Also sweet black briefs.

Did she for realsies tie the top of her dress like it’s a dog poop bag full of turds?

WHAT IN THE GOTHIC HELL IS THIS, MAGGIE?! Magpie played it real safe at the SAG’s only to show up at the biggest red carpet stage with hieroglyphics pinned all over her damn body.

We are an excited wave away from those knockers bustin through for a meet and greet.

I very much love Billie’s hair. Neon green should never be a color choice for luscious locks and I’m so glad she’s gotten herself out of that alien silk jammies and two-toned hair phase. hOwEvEr…wrapping yourself in a table skirt is no bueno. We’ve still got some work to do hun-nay.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Mr. Superior Thinkin over here had the AUDACITY to grace a red carpet after he was dragged for 10 whole minutes in November and never even acknowledged it?! GET. LAAAAWWWWST. You think you’re too cool for the Oscars? You don’t need to dress up? Just go casj because you grew up in a silver spoon gated community? Those shoes organic? Boy, bye.

I mean we get it, Megan, you got a body that won’t quit. But I’d still like to see you in something that’s doing a lot less. You can still show off those stemz of yours tastefully.

These two make my eyes roll out of my head and down the street. I’m sick of them. I want them to go away for a little while and that was true BEFORE Will just casually popped off at Chris Rock for seemingly no reason (still waiting for a playback on that one…we watch paint dry for 2.5 hours and they cut the juiciest moment. Buncha squares over at ABC.) Regardless, shout out to my girl Kat for giving me the perfect summary of Jada’s dress: looks like she’s covered in green trash bags. I hope now that this press tour for Will’s movie is over, these two will moonwalk into oblivion and give us all a break.

Shweet plaid bow tie, Penelope. SOUND fashion decision.

DIE AWAY FROM ME, PEPLUM. I don’t even really know if this falls under the peplum category kinda looks like she’s got an inner tube around her waist but whatever you wanna call it, it sucks.

Well the good news is if your hands get chilly you can just shove them into your seashell pockets.

Someone please explain this wiener cover in the form of a fancy dinner napkin. What is the purpose of this? I NEED TO KNOW.

I gotta believe cool guy snowboarder Shaun White has more potential than a plain black tux. Really could’ve wowed us here, maybe even done a bold funky USA suit since it was his last hurrah at the Olympics and he gives us Men’s Warehouse classic. I do not accept.

Classic Texas Mother of the Bride or gala dress on Reebz. Sparkle and modest. I want something more daring. Yeah that’s right I’m now basically transforming my worst dressed list into bullying people to take more fashion chances. DANCE FOR ME, PUPPETS!

Again, I’ve seen Jason kill it with cool looks. He wore a pink velvet tux with a matching scrunchie one year. How do you go from that to black on black? Is he mourning his separation still? Wrap it up and start making a fashion splash again, big sexy.

I don’t know if she was taking inspiration from Tammy Fay for this look but it should be illegal to take inspiration from a woman who tattooed lip liner onto her face. This is all sorts of glimmery garbage. If the store Justice (or Limited Too for all y’all elder millennials like me) made grown up clothes this would be it.

Excuse me sir, but there is absolutely no excuse to be flashing your pre-pubescent hairless chest on a red carpet.

This is a priest robe and I’ll be having none of your blasphemy that she didn’t straight jack this right out of the church wardrobe.

Our Fredericks of Hollywood 2022 Edition.

We’ll just go right through the shopping mall lineup cause this is a Party City 99 cent backdrop.

OoOh, vulvas! FUN!

Ok hear me out, what if we did bright emerald green which will really pop on the carpet. But we need something else, something that will really make this look stand out. BUCKLES. (this is how I imagine the initial design meeting went for this pukefest of a dress.)

Red.Dot.Nip.Covers.

This is bringing a very medieval vibe and no I will never get on board with fingerless gloves no matter how often Paris Hilton tries to shove them down our throats.

Host 1 of 3 and this outfit is ATROCIOUS. What are we doing with the bows here, squad?! Is this the new loose pieces of hair trend? Anyway, congrats Amy on not only being one of the most famous comedians that everyone RIPS for stealing all of your material but also being the worst dressed Oscar host on a year when they couldn’t pick just one.

BEST

Don’t think bleach blonde goes with this look but we’ll let it slide because this dress fits her like a glove and I’ll always have a boner for a perfectly color coordinated jewel.

Considering she had to beg for an invite via social media, I’m guessing black was an FU Academy choice but she looks like a dime piece so everyone’s a winner here.

Even though she’s the matriarch of a pigpen family who never showers, Mila sure knows how to take a whore’s bath and clean UP.

HELL YEAH WITH THIS AQUA JACKET

Hot damn, Jennifer Garner is a perfect specimen.

I don’t think I knew that this awkward bird had a set of drumsticks on her. Who wears short shorts? Bella, where the hell have you been loca?!

Andrew’s always got a little smoking jacket flava.

Would.

Host 2 of 3 also lookin kinda like a televangelist straight out of Righteous Gemstones but it’s working for her.

Kevin Costner living up to his DILF vibes. 67 years old and still rolling down the red carpet in shades cause the sun never sets on cool.

This is the true definition of an hourglass figure. Lotta RED HOT looks at the Oscars, pun intended.

How the hell did Kev bag an invite to the Oscars and the others didn’t?! Lookin sharp though, bud.

Ariana is straight KILLIN this outfit. Such a close call for best outfit of the night. But she won an Oscar and made history so that’s probably more important to her than getting my highly esteemed fashion stamp of approval.

Regina rounding out the trio of hosts that couldn’t keep the train on the tracks last night but important to note, the best dressed of the three. This gown is flawless and the color is perfect. Props to you Regina. You may not be funny but you’re well-dressed.

Don’t know what we owe this pleasure but just grateful as hell that these two kept their tongues in their mouths and look put together. Keep up the good work.

Gonna be honest I don’t know that I’ve ever seen Kirsten Dunst look good. Does that sound harsh? Sure but remind yourself what blog you’re reading right now. The good news is she looks stunning in this princess gown.

Rawr.

Red was the real winner of the night. Knocked it out of the park with this old Hollywood glam.

Smokin hot and much more approps than the twat twist at the SAG awards.

10 out of 10 for this rosy sparkle number and Nicky’s pregnancy glow.

BARBIE PINK REALNESS.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

Zendaya is serving A LOOK here. God I wish I could pull off blue steel without looking like I just drowned my children in the bathtub. She is mean muggin the camera in boardroom on top, beauty pageant on bottom and I am BUYING what she’s SELLING. It’s unique, it’s flattering, and she’s somehow made a waitress white button down crop top elegant?! Magic.

Red Carpet

AMA’s 2020 Red Carpet

Oh look, another awards show that I CAN’T WATCH but any old with an antenna CAN. How does that make sense? If I have internet, I should be able to watch any awards shows. Those should be the rules. This is BLASPHEMY. But anyway, after I tried to steal everyone I’ve ever known’s cable and was met with an error message, I gave up and checked out the red carpet. When I saw this collection, I debated not even blogging it because it was slim pickins and those who showed up did not knock my socks off, but we just got red carpets back so the red carpet blog MUST GO ON.

WORST DRESSED

This is clearly a pic before their performance and it made me laugh out loud so let’s start on a high note. 7 guys who don’t even speak English and I’m 99% sure their songs are also in Korean and yet they’re wildly famous here for whatever reason. Only three of them have changed their hair color but the rest? WHY WOULD YOU ALL HAVE THE SAME EXACT HAIRSTYLE AND THEN ALSO WEAR THE SAME UNIFORM. Gun to my head I would never be able to tell these jabrone’s apart. They are one.

Everyone’s salivating at the fact that these two are making their first “public appearance” but like once you’re whoring yourselves all over social media for months and calling each other twin flames, a paparazzi photo on an awards show carpet really does nothing for me. Fashion-wise, the style of Megan’s dress is weird as hell and I’m not down with Machine Gun’s metallic boots, Aladdin pants and featured chesties.

This is quite a Jessica Rabbit lewk and I cannot approve this many bits being on display or a black part with bright red hair. I would say I’m too old for this look but Bebe is my age sooo…….

Doja Cat wore her Hocus Pocus Halloween costume a few weeks too late.

These are like leather track pants and if it weren’t for the pocket decor, I might’ve let it slide.

GR8 Color Coordination but this gave me hoard PTSD to the early 2000’s and homecoming.

I love an ocean theme as much as the next girl but one wrong move and this oyster is going to flash us her pearl.

“Drown me in fabric but leave a slit for a leg moment,” is what I assume Ciara told her stylist to do.

BEST

As host of the evening, I definitely have to give Taraji credit for going full speed at the drama with this outfit. It is quite a statement and you know I have a boner for sparkles.

Y’all know I hate the just stepped out of the shower soaking wet look that these celebs die for, but I can’t put the most famous person on this red carpet on the worst dressed list. It’s against every fiber of my being. JLo’s worst look is still better than your best and that’s pretty freaking obvious.

Can count on these two ragamuffins to bring the curl and the trendy suits.

Don’t know who this cat is but he wears toight pants well.

Probs my fave look of the night, which isn’t saying a lot but still a suit well done. Sexy and glam.

Another pic that made me uproariously laugh. I think it’s funny because you hear Lewis sing and he has phenomenal pipes and then you see him in real life and he looks like such a schlub. And he really leans into that. I mean he looks like he’s running late for algebra. I love a guy who’s like oh I’m famous and supposed to do things? Nah.

Since this is an ABC sanctioned event, it would be nothing without the latest Bachelorette. Clare who? Tayshia’s rack and set of stems are here to stay.

Bell Biv DeVoe reminding us of a golden era where fedoras and primary colors ruled. Smooth as hell.

The Salty Ju

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