Music, Television

AMA’s Recap 2017

I often like to milk two blogs out of awards shows and even though barely anyone reads these recaps, I laugh at myself while writing them, and that’s truly what is most important. Here’s the top five things to take away from last night’s AMA’s, which packed a lot of good performances into an awards show that gives out fake awards to whoever shows up, basically.

1. Selena is OV-ER-RATED, clap, clap, clapclapclap.

Everyone was buzzing about her performance because she’s made it VERY WELL KNOWN that it was her only live performance of this year due to GETTING A NEW KIDNEY and everything. Well, it sucked. Real hard. She basically came onstage just to writhe around a car in a white nightie, covered in fake blood. Girl didn’t even attempt to lip sync. At one point I’m pretty sure she fell asleep on top of said car. If she didn’t, then I sure as hell did because it was a REAL snooze. Also, can everyone stop associating her Lupus/kidney surgery with everything that she does? She’s recovered. It’s not like she walked out of the hospital to give this performance and couldn’t dance too hard or else risk popping stitches. Chill on it. Notably absent from cheering her on, though? Biebs. He seems like a super supportive BF.

2.  Xtina is dead. Haven’t seen ole Xtina in a while (apparently people have forgotten how her last name is pronounced) and suddenly she’s doing a Whitney tribute and the only reason I knew it was really her was because she held her ear and waved her hand up and down when she did vocal riffs. Otherwise, who is this woman with Kylie Jenner lips and how did she get the honor of singing a Whit medley?

christinaxtina

Since we now know that it really was her…and that People is crediting “natural makeup” for her completely transformed face, it would be wrong of me to say that she didn’t crush it because she has a powerhouse voice. Even if Pink DID give her stank face. (lolzzzzzz firing up an old Lady Marmalade feud, what The Salty Ju does best)

Pink shocked face AMAs

Credit: ABC

3. Pink makes acrobats cool again. SPEAKING OF PINK, as soon as I heard “and Pink will be making history with a performance from the sky”, I audibly groaned. You guys KNOW how much I hated the played out ribbons performance. It’s like for 3 years that’s all she knew how to do at awards shows. Well I bit my tongue real quick because what followed was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. I mean she literally went face down off the side of a building while performing. I was getting naush just looking at it, so you have to be another level of badass to be like yup I’m staring at the ground 500 ft away from me and just crushing choreography and singing. She won the night and that’s pretty obvious.

4. Ashlee Simpson is back. 

ross fam

The Ross family was a focal point of the evening as Tracee Ellis Ross hosted and Diana Ross received a “you’re still alive and killin it” award, so obviously I was all about seeing how former punk rock princess Ashlee fit into this family dynamic. Turns out, her and that beautiful specimen Evan created one of the most adorable babies on this earth. During Diana’s performance the camera panned to her singing along and just living her damn life as a famous toddler. But then, as soon as she was pulled onstage at the end, she froze and pooped her diaper. Ashlee quickly turned into a stage mom dancing off to the side to get her kid to perform for the cameras and it was a real failure.

What a whirlwind of emotions it was keeping up with that family though. Props to her grandson who not only showed off his best dance moves right in Jagger’s grillpiece (stage fright doesn’t extend to all of the Ross children) but also jacked the mic to tell his grandma that he’s so proud and go off script giving every producer of this show a G-D heart attack. You da real MVP.

ross

5. WHO IS BTS? 

BTS

I legitimately had to google BTS after they flashed the camera to a bunch of Asians with the same haircut over and over again. The internet said these guys came out with their first single in 2013. TWO THOUSAND THIRTEEN?! I graduated college then. THAT WAS A LONG ASS TIME AGO. And they’re supposedly famous?! You shut your whore mouth. I patiently waited for them to take the stage to see what it is that they offered that would make them “mega international superstars.” Wanna know what they did? They had robot auto tune voices (I’m assuming this music was created in a studio just with a computer) that sang in a different language, and these matching mushroom cut boys danced to it. That was it. Girls knew the words and were legit in TEARS over this performance. WHAT AM I MISSING HERE?! WHAT HAS THIS WORLD COME TO?!

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Red Carpet

CMA’s Red Carpet 2017

Here it is! Country’s biggest night!* I always can appreciate a good country awards show because the men are usually the fashion risk-takers here. Oscars, Globes & Grammys? A guy is daring if he wears a colored suit. Country music though is where a man can don a sparkly blazer paired with a 10-gallon cowboy hat. Game respects game.

*This week.

WORST.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

This dress is fine. The color is good with her red locks and everything but the cutouts are really bothering me. I feel like that trend ended and if it didn’t then it should have because it makes the skinniest people look fat. Nobody wants to see skin flapping out of a geometric cutout.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

I honestly have no words for this.I know these clowns always dress like this but I just can’t.

Cam

This frock is all sorts of Victorian ugly. Sry, Cam.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

I KNOW I KNOW. Carrie doesn’t belong on worst dressed because she is gorge and can do no wrong but like COME ON. THIS DRESS SUCKS. It’s not flattering and I would like the ruffle sleeves to be gone forever.

Chase Bryant

My eye was immediately drawn to the vagina looking creation patterned across his arms and I’m not sorry bout it. If you’re going to adorn a jacket with feathers, make them look like feathers and not the inside of someone’s lady bits.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Well that’s a look. Gold Maître D’ jacket with crock boots.

51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals, Nashville, USA - 08 Nov 2017

Giving me some real Hocus Pocus vibes. We’re past BoooOOooOoooK season now, Karen. Pilgrims are this month’s theme.

Kellie Pickler

SEAAAAAAAAAAAAWEeeEEEEEEEEEEd dress.

51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Props to the MOST perfect mermaid waves but this dress stinks.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

I’ve never tried to hide my general dislike for Maren but she’s now giving me the most reasons to scoff. What on God’s green earth is happening here? Head to toe.

51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals, Nashville, USA - 08 Nov 2017

Oh alright, now we’re doing open-sequined-80’s workout onesies? COUNT ME OUT.

51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals, Nashville, USA - 08 Nov 2017

Goodbye.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

I just feel very strongly that there should be an age limit on leather pants for men.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

These two are hippies. That’s their thing. I get it. It’s just not for everyone. They pull it off, don’t get me wrong. But not for me, ya know?

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

This dress shape is overwhelming in a weird way. Brad looks gr8 though.

BEST.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Swooooooooooooooon.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

I’m pretty sure these two wear the same colors and variation of these suits everywhere but it works, so whatevs.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

This is a fash risk that I’m down with. Understated glamour in this suit. Well done, Dustin.

Faith Hill, Tim McGraw

I mean they don’t get the King and Queen of country title just by chance. Red lip matches his red leatha. These two are flawless.

51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

I don’t think I realized that JJD was QUITE this preggers already but here we go. Loving the red and she still looks like a babe soda.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

One of my favorite dresses of the night.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

Another suit that’s crushing the understated sparkle game. Casj and fance all at once.

Lea Michele

Cough, cough, Carrie should’ve worn this.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

These two are like teeth whitening spokespeople. Get on that, Crest.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

PRETTY PRETTY PRINCESS!

Niall Horan

That’s a Harry pose if I’ve ever seen one. What a cutie. I just wanna pinch his little cheeks!

Pink, Willow Sage Hart

THIS IS SO STINKIN’ PRECIOUS.

51st CMA Awards - Arrivals

Reebz with that hourglass fig! Get it, grrrrl.

The 51st Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals

I will not for a second hide my obsession with these two childhood sweethearts. Also, Lauren is crushing the dark lip.

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Television

Emmys 2017 Recap

I used to do a recap for every awards show ever…in fact I think I had to physically stop myself from watching and recapping the Kids Choice Awards. That was where I drew the line, apparently. It was a very fine line. I recapped funny things that happened, or I would critique how the host did UNTIL Trump was elected and Hollywood decided that every awards show should be their personal political platform. It’s cool guys, you have your opinions and you want to share them when everyone is watching, it’s whatever. The problem HOWEVER is that for someone who doesn’t follow politics (this guy) awards shows have officially become over my head. Their jokes, their jabs, the over-exaggerated bits–everything flies over this dum dum dome, and therefore HOW CAN I RECAP A SHOW I DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND?! So to my true hardcore fans–I apologize for the lack of content. I genuinely don’t think awards shows are funny anymore because I’m not in on the joke. That being said, I’ve picked 5 things about the Emmys that WERE entertaining, JIC you also tuned out after the first five minutes of a song saturated by political commentary.

1. The Only Trump Joke I Laughed At. Obviously every late night host has perfected their Trump impression and Stephen Colbert hosting was a precursor to a whole lot of political nuances that I was prepared to zone out for. But then he read this tweet:

Screen Shot 2017-09-18 at 8.29.01 AM

And panned to Seth spitting up marbles. I actually burst out laughing. It’s the simple things that get me, really. What a great bit. Colin Jost’s casj straight face really hits it home.

marbles

2. Anna Chlumsky is the new Taylor Swift.

I’ve never seen a more overdramatic over-reactor since Taylor Swift owned the audience cam at every awards show ever. Anna puts asses in the seats when it comes to facial expressions. Half the time I didn’t even know something was supposed to create emotions until I looked to her face for guidance. She was shocked, she sobbed for no reason during an acceptance speech & she pulled a full range of weird faces while onstage during Veep’s acceptance, just trying to find the right one. Do 1000% less, Anna.

3a. RIGHT ON THE KISSER.

I missed this happening live and was so happy that it was on twitter within minutes. God Bless Twitter. HOW can you possibly kiss your co-star like that right in Keith’s grill piece? That’s some cold shit, Kidman. Like I get that you guys had a real, shall we say, intimate acting experience together–but like NOT a good look to make out on live TV. If I were Keith I would’ve popped him right smack in the middle of that stupid ‘stache he’s rocking. My friend and I sat there with baited breath through Nicole’s acceptance speech to see if she would even thank Keith because obviously we were convinced just from that kiss that she’s having an affair. Cheating is bad but like maybe Nicole sleeping with her costar is what Keith needs to clean up that hairstyle that he’s had since 1997. It’s such a horrific mom cut and it does not belong on his head. Just saying. This could be beneficial for all. BTW she did gush over her hubs and called him “my Keith” so I guess she wins back points for that. BUT I HAVE MY EYE ON THE SITUATION.

3b. Nicole hates Reese.

nicole-reese

Big Little Lies was my draw to the Emmys this year. Each year I watch one thing that’s worthy of awards and BLL was my golden ticket this time around. So I was extra interested every time they were on screen, especially because they made such a giant deal about all being women and how GROUNDBREAKING it is that women are lead roles in Hollywood, which I feel like has been going on for some time, but whatevs. I knew that they all couldn’t be besties like they kept blabbing on about so I waited for the weak moment and I didn’t really need to search hard for it. Nicole was up against Reese for lead actress in a mini-series and when she won, she kissed that husband of hers (at least it wasn’t Alex this time) and bolted up to the stage at lightning speed. Reese was sitting DIRECTLY BEHIND HER. All it would’ve taken was a quarter turn and fake butt-out hug but she didn’t even give her that. BURN CITY, Population: Reese Witherspoon. Then she starts her speech with  “Reese, I share this with you.” Do you though? And then proceeded to have a 15 minute speech that the DJ didn’t DARE play off. Suddenly Nicole Kidman is a power player? What is going on here.

4. The Pearsons are REAL.

I may be biased because Sterling K Brown delivered my favorite speech from last year’s Emmys but I also feel like he deserves a shout out because they played him off the minute he opened his mouth last night–yet let Nicole Kidman talk for an hour and a half. AND THAT AIN’T RIGHT. Before they literally cut the camera away because he kept talking over the music (KEEP PLAYING, BITCHES) he thanked his This is Us family “You are the best white TV family that a brother has ever had.” That just warms my heart. THEY’RE A REAL FAMILY, YOU GUYS.

5. Oprah.

oprah

I don’t know if I just haven’t been paying attention lately now that Oprah is off TV, just living somewhere soaking in her riches from the OWN network, but girl has dropped an ENTIRE PERSON in weight. She’s got some sassy dark frames and she looked like a real babe soda last night. CBS knew it too. They plopped her front row center so that everyone had no choice but to admire the O. Even John Oliver thanked her in his speech because “she’s sitting right in front of me and it seems inappropriate not to.” Everyone bow down to Skinny Ope. PS White is NOT slimming so it’s even ballsier for her to wear that whoutfit and still look SAP.

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Red Carpet

Oscars 2017 Red Carpet

Awards season is over and if we’re being real it kinda sucked this year. No one’s outfit made me uncontrollably drool because it was so amahzing and on the flip, no one’s was so offensively bad that I wanted to burn my TV just from looking at it. And realistically you know I’m all about extremes. Dramatic reactions or bust. Anyway, the Oscars took a sharp nosedive roughly 6 minutes into the show when JT handed that mic over to Jimmy Kimmel and everyone knows it. Here’s what people wore to this snoozeroni.

WORST

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

This weird panel down the middle of her top isn’t doing it for me.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Sweet butterflies, you get that dress at Aeropastale?

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I don’t know if he does this on purpose but like does he ever take a break from being Lucious Lyon?

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

This is so bad that I’m almost wondering if someone tried to F with Dakota and told her the Oscars were doing an ancient time period theme.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

If we’re being honest I discriminate against velvet because the texture isn’t my favorite. But also this polka dot thing is weird.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

That belt is from Hot Topic.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

I’m so confused by this afro wig situation. The top left looks like they finished putting this on her head and were like eh needs a little more fake hair and just plopped some on top. It’s a rogue fro and I can’t stop looking at it in horror.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Yeah, ok.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

I probably wouldn’t have hated this so much had I not seen the baby nub ponytail that Charlize is rocking in the back when she presented onstage. Threw off the whole vibe.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Red Carpet

Weird satin pants/skirt combo deal. Plus word on the street is she was paid to wear this and that’s some bullshit.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Nothing like a good front ruffle. Naht.

BEST

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Chad Radwell can get it.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

There’s nothing Michael Strahan can’t do. Swagger on swagger.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

PRINCESS DRESS.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Hair color is pretty woofie but I’m down with this dress.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Very close second to being my favorite look of the night.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Leslie Mann is crushing this color.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

You can pretty much never go wrong with a black dress and red lip.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Even though Taraji’s roll-on Bath and Body Works body glitter was v distracting while she was presenting, she looks hawt here.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Michelle literally looks like she’s in pain. Just ignore that and admire the dress.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Check that pocket square though.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

This is a momentous occasion. Nicole Kidman looks ACTUALLY GOOD and made my best dressed!! Congrats to you, grl. What an honor.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Emma Stone is flawle$$.

matt-damon

I DON’T SEE JIMMY KIMMEL ON THIS BEST DRESSED LIST.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

These ruffles are stupid but I would NEVER put RyRy on the worst dressed.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

I can dig the geometric neckline.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

I put this on here so my boyfriend wouldn’t get mad at me because he has a crush on The Rock.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Blue suit of the night.

US-OSCARS-ARRIVALS

This is nice. I seriously don’t even have anything to say about dresses anymore. It’s Monday morning and I’m sitting next to a live construction zone aggressively using power tools and no I am not ok. My brain hurts.

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

SUMMER.

BEST COUPLE/LOOK:

89th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Hot Damn your boy looks good here. And he banged the opener so hard. Because he is perfect.

89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Special shoutout to Jess because I actually really liked this look and I always shit on her because she stole my man. Also couple goals that she grooved with him in the aisle. Timberlakes 4 life.

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Red Carpet

SAG Awards Red Carpet 2017

Pretty much the most entertaining thing about this awards show is that you can call them the SAG’s and everyone gives you a weird look and maybe a giggle when you do. Otherwise it’s just another snooze-aroni in secondhand awards shows. I mean, the SAG AFTRA president currently is Andrea Zuckerman. Yikes.

andrea

Because these awards are basura, the stars dressed as such. It was a real stretch to pull together a best dressed list. But I did it anyway, because I am a true American hero. I also accidentally got solo drunk during the show–and wrote this blog afterwards. You’re welcome, everyone.

WORST

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

Two thumbs down for the skin-toned craft corner beaded dress.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

Oh, ok yes. Parrots and sequins. So hot right now.

Emma Stone

I’m legitimately perplexed by this dress. Is the ripped part just hanging off of her body? I wish she just wore the underlayer.

23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

Actual eyesore.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 29 Jan 2017

I’m beginning to wonder if everyone forgot about the SAG’s (insert immature giggle) and stopped by the thrift store on the way to the red carpet.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 29 Jan 2017

This is a pillow case with puffy sleeves, essentially.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

Nothing accents burgundy quite like wispy cotton candy hair, is what I always like to say.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

Kimmy K’s number one stan as always looking age approps.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 29 Jan 2017

No clue who this is but there are no words.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 29 Jan 2017

I’m astonished that whiny B Kit, formerly of the Rockford Peaches, is still holding court in Hollywood, but here she is gracing my worst dressed list and winning awards and shit.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

Welp that’s it. I can’t stand behind Soph on this one. She matched her eyeshadow to her FUSCHIA dress. Woof city, population: Sophia Bush. Add in the gelled front pieces she has dangling in her face and we’ve got a full-on 90’s prom look.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

Couldn’t have completed this look without the matching whimsical necklace.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

This is normal.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

It’s not necessary to twinsicle it up with your hubs, Chrissy.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 29 Jan 2017

Casj hip floral arrangement.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

We get it, ERW, you’re making a suit statement for all red carpets this season.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

Pig.Tail.Bunz.

BEST

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 29 Jan 2017

I think this is the most covered I’ve seen Taraji. Suh elegant with a side of full boobs on display.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

Hair isn’t gr8 but this dress is alright. (We’re reaching here, folks.)

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 29 Jan 2017

This looks comfy.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 29 Jan 2017

Having hummingbirds embroidered on your dress is pretty odd, but Gina’s rack looks top notch! Three cheers!

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 29 Jan 2017

The girls are out to plaaaaayyyy.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 29 Jan 2017

This is one of my favorite for Sofia. She always wears the same dress to every show and this is a welcome change

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 29 Jan 2017

Julie Bowen coming in hawt with the risque!

23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

I’m mostly surprised that a YouTube star was on the red carpet best dressed but also she actually looks really good.

23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

This dress is nice.

23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

I hadn’t seen Krasinski on a red carpet in so long I literally drooled at the sight of him.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

THIS IS FUN!

23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

It’s weird that Jonah went from frat bro at the Golden Globes to dapper Dan at the SAG’s but I approve.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

Rock that off the shoulder trend, grrrrrrl! (It’s possible that my drinking game “drink every time politics is mentioned” has truly kicked in at this point.)

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

I’ve spent far too long trying to figure out what this jewelry sitch is.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

Purple camo yaaasssss Busy!

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 29 Jan 2017

Jazzy suit for the win.

23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards

This dress is fab, but due to the asymmetrical neckline it looks like her right boob is 1000x bigger than her left. Demz da breaks.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

Cla$$ Act. (I know it’s not nice to say and this isn’t even a little bit a comment on her weight because obviously she’s skinny as possible but black and white layered like this will always remind me of Willy and I can’t help it. #KillerWhaleBesties4Lyfe)

Fave look of the night:

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 29 Jan 2017

Being engaged to Landry is werking in her favor. By miles, this was the best look of the night. Subtle and classy.

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Red Carpet

People’s Choice Awards 2017 Red Carpet

Even though the People’s Choice Awards are basically just a big slobberfest for CBS and not worthy of a watch…I still wanted to judge the looks. Shouts to JT for showing up and allowing me to unmute my TV for a mere 2 minutes this entire awards show. And Blake Lively for declaring via acceptance speech that Ryan Reynolds is hers and no one else can have him. Preach, girl.

WORST

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

Did impeccable Danny Tanner pick out a suit coat and pants that don’t match?

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

Not only is this cropped pinstripe look real weird, but so is his jazzy feet pose.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

I know for a fact that Lori Loughlin has a bangin bod and it’s a disservice to cover it with a literal curtain.

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

Meh, CCB can do better.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

WHAT is this. Is it pants? Is it a dress? Why are her boobs a different color and fabric? SO many questions, so little time.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

Even though they lost their star member, Fifth Harmony is still sticking with the “we all wear scraps of fabric the same color and look like trash” for every red carpet. Don’t eva change.

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

I guess it’s fitting because her breakout role was in an orange jumpsuit but c’mon.

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

This dress sucks. Since I feel bad being so rough on Jenny from the Block, I’ll toss in there that when she won her award and cried and acted like it was an Oscar instead of something people voted for on Facebook, her pony looked sleek as hell.

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

A dress equivalent to the beaded seat cover of the 70’s.

chrissullivan

WHY TOBY?! WHY.

BEST

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

Host looking sharp AF.

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

I think I’m obsessed with this look. Like, might be my favorite of the night if Blake Lively didn’t show up and steal my heart.

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

The choker seals the deal here and that’s obvious.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Red Carpet

No clue who this is but I’m all in on this outfit. Also proves that I’m not a pants h8er when done right.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

Daayyummnn with the leather dress.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

Fun & SaSsY.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

The red buttons with the red flash on the belt, I see you, Wilmer.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

This is pretty scandalous with that sky high slit but CBS needed a little near cooch slip.

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

Fresh off his Greek vacay, Uncle J can do no wrong.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

Tommy Fre$h!

.43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

I love this more just because of the swish factor.

peoplechoiceawards2017pressroomakonvrwjpt-l

Yes, please.

QUEEN OF THE NIGHT:

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

SLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

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Red Carpet

Golden Globes Red Carpet 2017

Welcome to this year’s Golden Globe Awards, where the sponsor was double stick tape. This time I decided to change things up (#newyearnewme) by actually showering on a Sunday. It made me feel a LITTLE better to judge others from my couch with clean hair for once. Also went back to the gym and rocked a killer return-to-the-gym workout outfit. Both of these random brags about my life were specifically included to show you JUST how qualified I am to be forcing my fashion opinions down your throat.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

Sweet lab coat with a rosary hanging off it, Pharell. The black beanie really polishes off the look.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

I actually love this dress but I’m so over her hair being this short.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Pantsuit.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Last one was a pantsuit and this is a poop suit. Also, velvet, really?

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Love this dress, hate the hair.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Arrivals

This is the Golden Globes, Jonah. Leave your kicks for the VMA’s.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

I get that Keri’s just trying to jump on the choker trend but pairing it with a Cheetah dress was really pushing it to Jersey Shore status.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Are these pants? Is there supposed to be a split down the middle? It looks like she ripped her dress on a tree branch or something.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Connie, GIRL, what is this?! One side tank, one side tee? Her left pit probably just gets extra sweaty.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

Can appreciate her going for the boobs out trend, this dress sucks though. It looks like something Kacey Musgraves would wear and that is NOT a compliment.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

No. Just no.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

It’s clear that I’m just hating the should cut outs of the night but also milkmaid braids on top of this made it 1 billion times worse.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

I’m a strong defender of the opinion that if Carrie’s legs aren’t showing, her look is garbage. Not only is she fully covered but the top is a disaster. People of twitter were comparing it to a vagina. Yikes.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

You know what would look really trendy? If we sewed a bird onto a dress amongst a bunch of chunky flowers.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

This is a bridesmaids dress from hell.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Sienna Miller comin in hot looking like Wilma Flintstone.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

The skirt part is ok, the top and closing the deal with a bedazzled bow really turned it all to shit.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Never a good idea for a white guy to wear a white tux.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

I stared at this picture thinking she was wearing white tights on her arms and then laughed for like 10 minutes. So that’s where we’re at.

emilyratajkowski

Do infinity times less.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Equivalent to taking a bed sheet and tossing a belt around it, toga party style.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Peplum AND a collar=barf.com

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

I don’t mean to keep hating on the ladies who chose pants but I didn’t like any of these looks. Not even a leather bralette could sway me.

BEST

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Even though she’s essentially the same color as the dress, Emma’s obviously killing it otherwise.

blake

Um, hi you’re the perfect couple.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

This dress is a little scandalous but not quite as bad as half of Hollywood going nips out so I dig it.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

This is fun and simple and it kind of looks like she’s wearing a tiara, which is a boss move.

Entertainment: 74th Golden Globe Awards

Cuba may have sucked as OJ but this jacket is where it’s at.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

The guy who does drugs and goes to Disney World cleans up real well.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

It’s like a painting of perfection.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

I love the shit out of this and then there’s just like one stripe of fabric on her hip adorned with pins that makes no sense.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Busy’s dress kinda sucks but Michelle is giving me all sorts of ideas for werking a ribbon choker into my lineup.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

The lip matches the dress!!!

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Preeettty sure I saw Anna Kendrick’s right nipple.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

The GOAT rocking Tom Ford and that’s obvious.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

JLD doesn’t age even for a second.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

There’s nothing I love more than when youngn’s in Hollywood dress for their age. BRAVO.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Dayyummn, Dax.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Why wear a necklace when your boobs can be the main attraction?

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

Natalie is channeling Jackie O and I don’t hate it.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

I could literally stare at her chest all day. ALL DAY.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Pretty sure Amy Adams has worn some variation of this dress before but if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.

NBC's "74th Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet Arrivals

Yes, please.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Executive Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

This is the perfect princess gown.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Get it, Felicity!

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Not sure how Kristin became an E red carpet correspondent but she looks fab.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Shoutout to a fellow big booty.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

I wanted to hate this but I kinda can’t take my eyes off of it.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

BEDAZZLED shades to match his suit?! Fresh2death. Plus he’s got the hottest chick in the game rockin his chain.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 08 Jan 2017

Another princess gown that I want to twirl around in. I believe this was the dress that motivated me to note that I’ll be needing a 360 cam for my wedding day so I can do a slow motion spin.

ryan-gosling

Remember how earlier I said white guys can’t wear white tuxes? Yeah, this doesn’t apply to Ryan. I need to change my undies just from a glance at this pic.

BEST LOOK:

mandymoore

Mandy Moore coming back in a BIG way. She looks flawless and out of all the stars that went tits out for the red carpet, she was my fave.

No recap for this show because I don’t think it could have been any more boring if they tried. No one got drunk and made an ass of themselves, no one gave a funny acceptance speech and there was NOT ENOUGH JT. But seriously, as soon as I heard JFall was hosting I anticipated all of the great things him and JT would do onstage and all we got was a 20 second cameo at the beginning and the next 3.5 hours were JT dry. That should be illegal.

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