Red Carpet

Oscars Red Carpet 2020

I’m never ready for this moment. The last major awards show of the season and a return to the Sunday scaries every single week. What a harsh dose of reality. Anyway, we had a WHOLE lotta white gowns this year, which is ironic considering the biggest critique of the Oscars is that they’re racist as hell and only nominate whites. Seems like the opposite of the point outrage culture and the rest of Hollywood would be trying to make but who am I to judge. HAHA I can never type that sentence with a straight face. I judge the hardest. So did Hollywood when the Oscars gave Eminem his moment to shine 18 years after winning his Oscar for Lose Yourself and skipping the ceremony because he didn’t think he would win. Em brought the house DOWN with MOM’S SPAGHETTI and Hollywood is just too cool to appreciate it. WUT3v3R. It was the highlight of the world’s longest and most boring awards show ever and I’m not afraid to say it. Check out my Twitter if you want to see my unfiltered minute by minute commentary since I had no one to blab my thoughts out loud to after my mom fell asleep within the first 20 minutes and then woke up and declared the show was boring. To be fair, she wasn’t wrong, but she WAS unconscious for most of it.

WORST

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America got confused and thought the Oscars were actually a Grecian themed baby shower.

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Find her body among this mess of fabric. I dare you.

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On the complete opposite end of the spectrum, no need to find her body because she’s basically wearing an open robe. Bonus points for having corpse face.

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Nope. Nopey nope nope.

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Are these vents on her biceps? Never know when you might need a cool breeze to hit your ‘ceps because you’re wearing velvet on the west coast and your entire body is probably sweating.

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Not a fan. I don’t have anything extreme or dramatic to say (first time for everything) but I just wasn’t into the black flowers on a sparkly gown.

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Y’all know my thoughts on my gurl Billie. Wouldn’t it be the ultimate bad gurl move to just show up in a kickass dress instead of jammies for once? Just a thought.

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The jewels on this B look tacky as hell to me.

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Laura did us dirty with the nipple tassels.

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Ah, a rust colored sparkle blanket! How chic!

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You know when you wash a sports bra that has pads in it and without fail, every time, you forget that the pads are in there and you have to fish them out of the washer after the cycle is over? Just me? K. The top of this dress looks like they glued those pads to a dress.

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Honestly did America tell Salma the theme too? Like what’s with the ancient Greek vibes?

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Every single thing that Renee has worn this szn has been 90’s trends I hate reincarnated. Sorry bout it.

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BLECH this is wooftastic. A lace harness over a lace bra, with sleeves and what’s the bottom? Tulle? Feathers? How does fashion exist. Like this was literally just a bunch of scrap materials sewn together and you cannot convince me otherwise.

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I LOOOOOOOVE teal. Love the hell out of it. But my hate for tiered gowns far outweighs my boner for the color teal.

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BOOOOOOOOOOOOO to this belt of ruffles. Give me more lilac!

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My mom compared this to a kitchen sink scrubber, I tossed out internal organ, now that I’m looking at it again I think we could also say Under the Sea for 100, Alex.

pla-coral-reef-bioplastics

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Love the top, everything falls apart on the bottom half. Just chunks of fabric.

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This is a tacky prom dress. This is something I would’ve tried on at Deb when I was 14 and my mom dropped my friends and I off at the mall so that we could walk around, try things on and eat free samples at Gertrude Hawk. Ah, the simple days. Realistically nothing has changed except that I can drive myself to the mall now and do all of those things because I still can’t afford to buy anything.

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In other news of sleeves that serve no purpose. I like the lip, I like the hair, I originally had her in my best dressed but if I was really being honest with myself I was tossing her a pity best dressed because she didn’t wow me this year with her looks and I was really settling with this one. I was thinking to myself, well she doesn’t look as bad here as I felt she did at the other red carpets this season but really that wasn’t enough for me. The bolo tie smack in the middle of a gown and the phantom sleeves were irritating me JUST enough that I had to put her on the worst dressed. These are the tough decisions I need to make sometimes. It’s not easy being a judgmental B who blogs for free.

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I only included this picture so I could also refer everyone to my fiery tweet about the Pittster:

The E red carpet crew collectively creamed their gowns/tuxes over Brad Pitt and HONESTLY WHY.

BEST

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KOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBE.

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Love the color and the flattering style here.

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BARBIE DREAMZ.

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I’m a known h8er of one strappin it but everything else about this dress is Flawle$$ and therefore my one strap hate can simmer down.

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So many Hollywood lads go classic black tux for the Oscars and it’s just so boring. Tony is wearing the shit out of this navy blue.

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Tale as old as time, I put this on the worst dressed list originally and after staring at it long enough I just flipped the switch (flipped the switch switch–that joke will only hit with the youth tik-tok’ers.) and decided I DON’T HATE IT. She’s really serving that red lip and bob and it made me fall in love with the whole ‘fit.

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KCav going for a real Cinderella story here. *~*Don’t let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game*~* A quote that once graced my AIM profile, also from the Hilary Duff classic, A CINDERELLA STORY.

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I’m living for the coordination here. Also my aforementioned boner for all things teal.

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This is FIERCE.

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Holy bananas I love yellow so much. Also great style, also great jewels. Top notch look.

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Geena is 64 years old and she is OWNING the red carpet in this gown. Hot damn.

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Another internal conflict here, this dress is beautiful and Sandra looks amahzing and YET those are a pair of sleeves RIGHT THURR. Those are puffy sleeves that cannot be ignored even for a second. *God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change*

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Rebel threw me for a loop with this old Hollywood Glam and I love it a lot.

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My mom and I disagreed on this one, she didn’t like the necklace or the color of the dress and I had to promptly remind her that I wore the same color to prom and she pretended it was pretty then. Unfortunately I chose the bubble hem, which should’ve been illegal.

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(You’re right Mom, it was a lighter shade of green.) Either way, I stand by the army green life.

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THIS WOMAN IS A FOX AND SHE LOOKS HOT AS HELL FOREVER ON RED CARPETS. I expect nothing less from my namesake. I wonder if people constantly call her Julie in emails as well.

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In a sea of neutrals on the red carpet, I’m living for this pop of color party frock.

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I get that out of these two, James is the famous one, but his wife is really who I’m stanning here. That dress is perfect.

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This is like a Harry Potter witchy vibe and that’s mostly because she’s basically wearing a cloak. Fun fact: the cloak is embroidered with all of the female directors that were snubbed because that was the main storyline this year. Not only do the Oscars hate blacks but also women too.

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A moment of silence for LDC who wears the same damn thing every year but he can because he never ages and is a monumental babe soda. Also because I feel like Janae forcing him to sing on the spot by shoving a mic in his face during the opening sequence was a huge injustice and I’m sure he has the voice of an angel if he’s had the time to warm up his vocals.

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Oh my lord if she had just rocked some mermaid waves this would’ve won look of the night because it is stunning. But alas, she went for straight outta the shower slick. Womp, wompp.

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Really respect an actor wearing his basketball warmups to the Oscars with some fancy boots. What an F U to the Academy.

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There’s nothing that I can logically critique here because she really played it safe. After winning a best look of the night at the Globes with a neon number for me, it’s a huge step down but in no way does she look bad. Classic Oscars feel.

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BOMBSHELL.

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These two never ever miss.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

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Even though her opening performance and very forced audience participation directly followed by her laying on the floor next to the crowd she forced to sing along gave me every uncomfy ever in the world, THIS OUTFIT IS STRAIGHT FIRE. When I was a teenager and moody and emo and dramatic, I used to wear my hood around the house 24/7 and finally my parents were like hey we hate you and your 13 year old dramatic ass is bringing the mood down in this house and making us want to disown you so they set the “no hoods in the house rule”, which basically ruined my life but CAN YOU IMAGINE IF I HAD A SPARKLY GOWN WITH A HOOD ON IT?! I WOULD NEVER TAKE THAT SHIT OFF. My parents WOULD NEVER ban a glitzy boss hood like this. The red lip is the cherry on top of an outfit that I need and would wear forever and never let my parents buzzkill.

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Grammys Red Carpet 2020

Losing Kobe Bryant and his young daughter along with the other passengers on that helicopter was incredibly heartbreaking and tragic in itself. Then to have to pull off a huge awards show (and 9 hours of a red carpet…I’m looking at you, E) in the same place he played in all of those years on the same day he died where fans were congregating in honor of his memory made it a whole lot worse. Who the hell cares about Hollywood bullshit and awards shows when something that horrific happens? Thankfully, it was the Grammys…out of all the awards shows it could’ve been, I’m glad it was the Grammys. We didn’t have to hear comedians try to joke about it and make it more awkward and we didn’t have to hear actors try to talk about it in acceptance speeches that they’re also trying to make political statements within. Instead, we got the awards show that is 99% music. And out of everything that it could’ve been, hearing singers and musicians share their talents and their emotions through music actually had a chance to bring people together. Alicia Keys was the perfect host to make it all happen because she’s genuine and also has the voice of an angel. The opening tribute was perfect and gave me chills. There was nothing tryhard about it.

Lizzo opened by blowing the roof off with “Cuz I Love You”, Camila sang a VERY dusty tribute to her father, Billie didn’t scare my face off with fire and rolling eyes but instead went for a soulful rendition of “When the Party’s Over”, Demi performed for the first time since she overdosed with an emotional powerhouse song about how she was feeling before it happened. Basically, the ladies of music showed UP and made me cry a lot. Lotta tears, lotta girl power. But at the end of the day, even though it’s stupid and meaningless and life is short, I’m still gonna throw up my very uneducated opinions about the red carpet and how I thought everyone looked. Even though most people skipped the red carpet and it wasn’t really a priority, I enjoy fashion and awards shows and I’m gonna keep barfing my opinions into the void. You can decide if you want to read them or not because that’s the JOY OF THE INTERNET. Ok. I’ve had too much wine and meats. I’m done. Bye bye.

WORST

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Maybe I’m just too old and this is how the youths dress these days but I cannot get on board with Billie’s punk rock alien jammies aesthetic. Like, does she go to the salon and say, just glop out some lime green on top of my head. Yeah, just the top.

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Tonight’s lampshade edition. Or Featherduster from Beauty and the Beast. Take your pick, really.

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Speaking of Home Depot, can we interest you in some paint samples of Pantone’s color of the year? Pick a shade and get those paintbrushes ready!

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Can appreciate a good leg moment but this dress is not a home run for me.

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This is the hardest I’ve ever seen Priyanka miss on a red carpet. She doesn’t strike me as a nipples out, belly button ring shimmering while her back tassles blow in the breeze kinda gal but here we are. If I could separate Nick out and put him on the best dressed I would because I love the gold shimmer.

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Sry BB, never thought I’d say this but it’s just too much teal for me. Also him and Gwen Stefani must’ve talked lampshade chic because the hat turns into one.

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Once again a sordid tale of one half of the photo being brought down by the other half. Chris’s daughter is CRUSHING her fur separates, Chris looks like a giant Easter bunny.

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Again, JoBro on POINT and J sister just not doing it for me. I come across as a real Sophie h8er on my red carpets lately but please know that’s only because I genuinely dislike everything that she chooses to wear.

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Nope. What is with the extra long one-sider? I will never understand this.

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Great color but I’ve been very outspoken about my hate for the ruffle life.

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Oh great, another thing I’ve been megaphoning my hate for this awards szn, CHUNKS OF HAIR HANGING IN THE FACE. YOU WANNA BRING THE 90’S BACK? TOSS ON A PAIR OF OVERALLS OR A SCRUNCHIE. THAT’S IT. THAT’S WHERE IT ENDS.

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Oh ok, Princess of Darkness. The black cloak and hard bangz made this a little too Morticia Addams for my liking.

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Honestly I had this on my best dressed list but then looked at it again and it was just too clown-like for me to let it slide. I hate to do it because I stan a spicy jacket but there were a lot of men who showed up and didn’t have circus vibez.

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I’m so perplexed by this. What’s the point of wearing a white romper if you’re just going to toss a black curtain over JUST ONE SIDE OF IT? Even more pressing…going to the bathroom in a romper is a disaster in itself, toss in a halfsie cape and we’re really creating a dumpster fire potty situation here. T’s and P’s for her bladder, hopefully she’s forward thinking and strapped on a diap. with all the drinking that I’m sure occurs on music’s biggest night.

 

BEST

Lucky Daye

I have straight heart eyes for this seafoam joint right here.

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I gotta respect a mean mug in a hot pink cowboy crop.

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Grammy gents really came through with jazzy jackets.

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So effortlessly coordinated, a bold color and a print. Nicely done, boyz.

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Simple and stunning on Maggie, she even found herself a designer purse to hold her aluminum water bottle. Stay hydrated for that glow, y’all! (Also, I wish my curly hair ever looked this shiny and glossy and perfect.)

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Lizzo arriving to her wedding, preparing to kick off the night with a little wailing and a little flute playing.

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Leopard AND Leatha? I bow down.

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Young Jonai, look up to the eldest for this one. They nailed it.

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In a world where you’re not flashy enough unless your nips or vag are out on the red carpet, I can extra appreciate the girls who are risky without putting all the goods on display. I don’t know what this mesh-like turtleneck is made of, but I love the allure of check out my boobs without knocking us in the face with them. Literally.

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OH BABY HOT PINK

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Ask my roomie, I literally laughed out loud at this outfit and said that because of it causing me to burst out laughing, I approved. It’s just so ridiculous. I mean he has a baby pink piece of luggage. COME ON. When asked about his look, he said I travel a lot and I appreciate bellmen so I wanted to dress as one. That’s hilarious. Stupid? Yes. But stupidly hilarious. Didn’t make up for his performance that I was actually frightened during. Guess I’m too old for that.

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Lady suit. STAND UP.

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I mean this is a gorgeous dress and she looks great but my eye was immediately drawn to that flawless cat eye if we’re being completely honest.

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Shania with the Ariana pony and the sassy romper, yaaass gurl.

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Babe soda to the maxx.

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All these magentas and maroons on the men tonight….woooooo buddy, I love it.

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It’s Mr. Steal Yo Gurl going for a more casual look with tousled hair and losing the nerdbomber finger gunz. Too busy holding his designer shades casually by his side. What a style ‘tude he’s forming.

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Oh Ursher, baby. Little glitz, little velour hoodie and slippers. He also changed into some leathers for his Prince tribute during the show and hot damn did he werk those bad boys.

Shaun Ross

This guy is named Shaun Ross. I have no idea who he is but I was in awe of this head to toe pearl situation. Literally gazed at it. That’s WAY more impressive than Nick and Joe wearing a pearl necklace and leaving Kevin out ONCE AGAIN.

BEST LOOK(S) OF THE NIGHT:

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I mean she kinda cheated because she wore two looks for the red carpet but they were both gorgeous and she definitely outshined everyone else with these moments. The ultimate princess gowns with that holier than thou sassy high pony. May not be practical to sit in but those are both statement gowns and if I was ever lucky enough to walk a red carpet I’d be going balls to the wall like this.

Shoutout to this savage tweet though:

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SAG Awards Red Carpet 2020

The SAG Awards is where Hollywood focuses on their *craft* of acting and boy is it so douchey every year…and yet still more tolerable than the Oscars. Since the actors were talking about themselves and their acting peers and how hard acting is, it meant they took a break from talking about politics and solving climate change by taking the PJ less. And I think I speak for everyone when I say that was a welcome change. Here’s what these fools were wearing…

WORST

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Can we call this a dress or is it just simply floral undies?

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GAWD JLO. I GET THAT YOU WEREN’T NOMINATED FOR AN OSCAR BUT THIS IS NOT HOW YOU REBEL. I went on a triggered rant about pieces of hair dangling in the face for the Globes red carpet and I GUESS SOME OF US DIDN’T READ THAT. If I’m going to read your weekly texts about your TikTok account, Jen, you can read my blog about how leaving chunks of your hair in your face is a trend that should NEVER EVER make a comeback.

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I have been more than generous to Nicole this awards season and that generosity stops today. The ruffles are always going to be a no for me, dawg.

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This is a table skirt.

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Renee pulled this same shit at the Globes, so feel free to see my rant about it HERE.

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I’m having a hard time understanding why the white gloves. Why is that the move here?

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BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO one sleeve

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H8 to do this to 1/3 of the J Sisters (gag my face off) but this dress is tacky as all hell.

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You could smuggle an ENTIRE HUMAN UNDERNEATH THIS MONSTROSITY.

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Props to Patty for putting her knockers away but no thanks to this outfit. Those are some HOARD flares.

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AHHH MY EYES, MARGOT! WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS! From the piecey hair (seriously ladies, why are we trying to bring this back?!) to the layered gaudy jewels over PLAID and cupcake tiers. Ugh barf all over me head to toe.

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Honestly the carpet did her dirty here. I don’t think she was really planning on standing in front of a busy silver tiled wall and obviously the mixture of that with his pattern on her dress is making me want to claw my eyeballs out. At the same time, I feel like this wouldn’t have photographed well anyway. Too much, gurl.

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Speaking of too much, this BOW. Does no one learn from other’s mistakes?! JLo pulled the bow at the globes and I spit right on it and how stupid it looks. You are not a giant present. The only time wrapping yourself in a bow is acceptable is if you’re completely nude and you’re giving your hod bod as a present to your significant other (sex stuff, guys) otherwise DO NOT WEAR A GIANT BOW ANYWHERE.

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The top of this dress can only be properly described as a lampshade.

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Oh my gawwwww enough with the tiered ruffles, already.

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Hot priest or not (suh glad I finally banged out Fleabag so I can feel part of the joke for the remainder of awards season) this is a bad retro prom tux.

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What a curveball for this actress but also nope. Suuuuupez trashy. I know it’s not the Oscars and these awards air on TNT but clean it up.

 

BEST

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Does she age? The answer is an obvious no.

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It’s the year of Dern.

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Thank God there were no hair/makeup snafus this time around for Hollywood’s golden couple.

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Sun never sets on Sterling K Brown because the sun never sets on cool.

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This dress looks like it was LITERALLY painted on her.

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The DRAMA.

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Damn gurl.

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Surprised Reese didn’t wear an Ivy Park original track suit but this is pretty edgy for her and I love it.

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Not a ton of color on the *silver* carpet so I welcome this bright blue.

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Damn Charlize is really coming at me this awards season! A silver crop top is not what I expected because I spend 90% of my breath trashing the youths and their crop tops but look at Char doin the damn thing! I take back my glitter crop hate.

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A silver gown for the silver carpet. Now where’s her silver fox?

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Close to winning my favorite look of the night for being colorful and also different.

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Flattering and elegant

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A golden shimmer in the eve.

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I feel like men were really under-represented on the ole silver carpet so here’s a little floral spice from Dan.

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Maybe it’s because I just had the flu for a week and inadvertently lost 5 lbs as I withered away on the couch but I guess I’m like really having a moment with crops and hoping to one day have the mid section to rock one (maybe if I get the flu like five more times) Pheebz did shout out her makeup artist for painting a six pack on her and it does look suspiciously like a bronzed mid section so maybe it is aspirational abs.

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JEN WORE WHITE! Honestly Jen walks out of her house and everyone salivates at everything she does–She wore white instead of a plain black gown, she looks like a rocket (as always), her and Brad have been goofin on the carpet during awards season which has EVERYONE shipping a reunion (he CHEATED on her guys, WE DON’T WANT THEM TO GET BACK TOGETHER) and also true to history, she’s free boobin. After an in depth convo with my bestie about Jen’s nips, I revealed that I’m not really into perky nipz busting through a formal gown, but at the same time, it’s America’s sweetheart Jen Aniston and she’s been doing it since the 90’s. She reserves the right to punch us all in the face with her nipples because she basically invented the trend.

FAVE LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

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Holy bananas she looks amazing. This is normally an outfit Meryl Streep or someone of the older gen would roll through wearing and I love seeing it on a Hollywood youth. A white power move if you will. Not to be confused with white power, which is very, very racist.

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Golden Globes Red Carpet 2020

We’ve made it to a whole new decade and yet we still have Ryan Seacrest asking Gwyneth Paltrow in the most long-winded and roundabout way, what snacks she has in her pantry. Don’t believe everyone’s Facebook status about how much they’ve changed in the last decade, because we as a human race are truly not evolving. By the way, Gwyneth loves healthy snacks. EYE. ROLL. Here’s the breakdown of what everyone wore to the first awards show of the sequel to the roaring twenties and find out if I hated it or not.

WORST

77th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

This is a different size than the rest because this B waltzed out on my TV and my jaw dropped, I said “holy shit!” and immediately googled a picture of her look so I could include it in this blog. WHY YA GOTTA HAVE YOUR BITS OUT?! Like what is the point of this outfit.

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This is A LOT. Not in a GREAT way.

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Listen this could’ve gone either way but I wasn’t overwhelmingly in love with it and I decided after staring at it for an abnormally long period of time and confirming that it wasn’t a jumpsuit that it should’ve been a jumpsuit. I would’ve liked it 900 times more if it was pants. What can I say, I just have an eye for style. (I’ve worn men’s fleece pj pants for the past 48 hours.)

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In case you haven’t been paying attention, grandma’s embroidered flowers was a HEAVY theme for the night. I DON’T LIKE IT ONE BIT.

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I’m down for a princess dress but this is like childhood dress-up gown and/or Wendy from Peter Pan’s night gown. It’s those damn puff sleeves.

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Appreciate the fashion risk but can’t get down with anything that gives me a headache just from looking at it and also is the shape of a vulva.

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Kristin, it’s the Golden Globes, wear something nicer than you would wear to a Laguna Beach black and white party in a hotel. This is like barely a step up from when they all wore Forever 21 minis to prom.

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I know everyone is all about slobbering over Greta because she makes trendy feminist movies and stuff but this dress is boring and unflattering. The top panel literally blends in with her skin tone. BOOoOOOOOOOooOO.

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Mrs. Robot, amirite? (Get it guys, she’s dating Rami Malek, star of Mr. Robot?!) Seriously though, commit to a theme less.

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UGH. TWEED.

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This is a shitty bridesmaid dress in cotton candy flavor.

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Full send back to 1998 with the pointy heels, basic strapless and PIECES OF HAIRS HANGING IN HER FACE FROM HER UPDO. Story time: in college I went to a hot teacher themed ROTC party and as I got ready with my fake glasses and a white button down showing my skanky bra, I pulled my hair up in a clip and grabbed my front pieces to pull out and my roommate literally looked over our bunk beds and goes WHAT ARE YOU DOING? And that was for a theme party. Tough stuff, lesson learned. Pieces in the front is a hard no. (Update: after winning and having Renee tell the crowd with a very unmoving face that it’s been 17 years since she’s been there, this outfit makes complete sense.)

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On what planet is this a gown and not a Moroccan beach coverup?

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It’s hilarious to me that she was rumored to be dating the cyst on Bachelor nation–Nick Viall and then she steps out with Bill Hader. Could not be more opposite. Doesn’t matter who she’s dating though because Victorian mixup is doing nothing for her red carpet look.

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Kills me to do this after putting out a blog solely devoted to slobbering over her but WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS JLO?! ARE YOU A PRESENT?! Two things you should’ve done instead of tying a giant bow all over your body: 1. Coming in a giant fur coat with a sparkly dress underneath in character as Ramona from Hustlers. 2. Saying F it and going OG Jenny wearing a juicy suit and name plate hoops. Take notes for the Oscars.

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Remember the critically-acclaimed movie Holes based on the novel that you read in middle school? Cate is dressed as one of the deadly yellow spotted lizards that lived in the holes.

lizard

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What’s the deal (Jerry Seinfeld voice) with these side pocket things on each side? Is it like red carpet pop-a-shot? Are they trash cans? Are they pockets? Leftovers from an oversized butt bow? Someone pls advise.

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Welp this will give me nightmares foreva.

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Just because it’s these two, I have a sneaking suspicion they did this on purpose but AH, MY EYES!

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Green and yellow should never ever ever ever be mixed together on a satin dress unless you want your dress to look like snot.

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This has got some very Vegas show girl vibes to it. Love the color, not so into the style or wet hair deal.

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HOLY PORNSTAR.

BEST

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Sparkly and flattering, a theme for almost everything I like.

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Power suit couple, but with a little SPARKLE!

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Dunno who this is but she’s wearing this dress like a glove and that shouldn’t go unnoticed.

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I’ve quietly ignored Billy’s extra red carpet looks for a while now and this one spoke to me. Probably because it wasn’t suuuuuper in your face but it still slaps.

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Both of them look like a coupla dimes. Lauren Graham is crushing the red bombshell lewk.

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Luhh dis girlie and soft thing Dunst has going on.

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Blue beanpole babe

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She intro’ed Ellen’s W so oBVIOUSLY they had to twin it out. I’m loving these glitzy fitted suits. I need one for myself to wear to the absolutely 0 places I go nowadays.

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I HATE PUFFY SLEEVES BUT DAMN IT DO I LOVE A BOLD YELLOW. The hint of blue sparkle is the cherry on top of my golden dreamz.

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Coach Taylor. End of discussion.

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SEXY CINDERELLA!

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It took me a little bit too long to figure out who this was because it’s so strange to see her as a blonde, which I’m sure is her natural color. Mrs. Maisel looks so amahzing in every scene of the show with her 9 million outfit changes and matching hat/purse that it’s kind of hard to stand up to that on the red carpet and I wanted to be blown away. This is a rambling way to say that this is a nice purple gown but I wanted more outta her.

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Jennifer Aniston will always go basic hair and strapless gown but she’s freaking Jennifer Aniston and we love her to death for it.

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99.9% sure Amy wore this exact dress last year to an awards show but hey it works.

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Helen can GET IT.

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Looks great but also I would be remiss if I didn’t pose this question (as my mom and I both analyzed while she presented) did she get a boob reduction? Because those puppies are usually front and center (Selma Hayek style) and they’re looking drastically low key here. It’s like slapping God in the face.

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BLUE VELOUR SUIT, NUFF SAID.

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SPARKLE POCKETS AND IT’S PAST TEN PM SO NOW I’M JUST SHOUTING THINGS I LIKE.

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I am VERY into this Blair Waldorf braided headband situation.

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Simply sparkling, is there any other kind? (this is only funny to the 1% of people who know what Simply Dusty is)

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Laura Dern is killllllin it lately.

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Apparently Rita Wilson’s hair and makeup person ghosted her. It looks like she managed to pull her shit together because her and Tom look like the belles of the ball. That cheetah dress is Babetown, USA.

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Reese is another Jen Aniston. Probably why they ended up working together and being besties this year. Plain Jane but crushes it every time.

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A very close second to my favorite look of the night. Hair, makeup, dress, everything on point.

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Here’s a circumstance where I don’t know what the hell is happening with this dress and various top ties and yet I lOoOoOOoooOove the color of it.

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Ray looks like he just tossed on a suit to go to his daughter’s dance recital or something and it’s adorable and I love it. Just happy to be there.

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Was not expecting a Tay appearance as I was surfing through red carpet pics and boy was I pleasantly surprised. Bold flowers but a great dress.

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This looked even better when she strutted onstage–perfect fit and classic.

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This was my bold choice of the evening. It’s much more geometric than I’m used to but I really dig it. She even tied the circle from the top of the dress in with her shoes and you know I love a good match.

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Drool emoji.

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Another hot red moment.

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Even though these two have about enough chemistry as a couple slices of plain white toast, at least they are visually pleasing. I added an extra picture of Priyanka’s dress because DAAAAAAYUMMNNN.

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Love the charcoal blazer.

FAVE LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

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Another bold choice for me (am I becoming more fashion savvy?!) but I saw this dress on the red carpet while Ryan Seacrest was pretending he was besties with everyone & then I saw it again when Charlize crapped her pants giving Tom Hanks his award. Like literally she went down in the middle of his speech and I thought she may never come back up. And both times I was mesmerized by this dress. It photographs a lot more pukey green than it looked on screen but I love how bold it is and I’m all in on the peekaboo corset underneath. TASTEFUL CHEST-AGE, SALMA. Also the choker ties it all in nicely. I recently asked my mom if chokers are out of style now as I held three in my hand that I haven’t worn since 2017 and she told me her first graders are still wearing them, which swiftly answered that question for me but Charlize just brought them back.

Standard
Music, Pop Culture, Red Carpet

AMA’s Red Carpet 2019

I just returned from a European vacay, and in true asshole “I’ve traveled abroad” fashion, I went to Price Chopper and bought myself a whole baguette as a casj snack to pretend I don’t actually live in the trashhole that is America. Why am I telling you this? Well, because I settled in to judge the AMA’s red carpet looks with an ENTIRE charcuterie board and bottle of rosé, just by myself. There was not a snack left in sight within 20 mins of the show starting. This is the kind of qualifications I bear to pinpoint when people look bad or sound bad at awards shows. Who better to cast stones than someone who skipped the gym and ate olives, bread, meats and cheeses for dinner in sweatpants. KEEP IT COMIN, HOLLYWOOD AND I’LL KEEP JUDGING.

But enough about me, let’s briefly recap the highlights of the show. Selena SOMEHOW nabbed the opening performance and dear lord did she make everyone question that. Selena has been MIA for 2 years (in rehab & recovering from Justin Bieber dumping her again and getting married 5 minutes later to someone he wasn’t even dating at the time) and tonight was her big comeback singing her two most recent singles about getting over that Biebz good good. Unfortunately she’s delivering burns to JB by singing “you sang off key in my chorus” while SINGING OFF KEY. Her voice was beyond bad. Like I sing karaoke better than her bad. On top of that, she barely moved her body for the dance number. Really mailed it in all around and that was the kickoff to the AMA’s.

Then we got Camila & Shawn still not smooching–at this point are they even dating if they don’t tongue each other onstage? Taylor’s audience SHOCKED faces (enough of this already) and then her Artist of the Decade medley where the ONLY shade she threw was toward Selena by not including her in the besties “Shake It Off” portion of her performance. Do you think Tay sat her down and was like look, I know we’re BFF’s but your voice stinks and I only want good singers onstage with me? Cause I do. But seriously where was the Big Machine drama? Starting off by singing The Man with a white lab coat with all of your Big Machine records listed on it with a bunch of 5 year olds was not dramatic enough for me and I was v. disappointed. Other than that, Halsey’s paint ball performance was cool as hell and Shania and her leopard men brought down the hizzouse as the grand finale.

WORST

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We flew too close to the sun with Halsey’s red carpet looks, guys. She was 2/2 and I knew she couldn’t pull a trifecta. I hoped she would but here we are. Hailing from another planet, red hair rectangles glued on top of her head, eyebrows ceasing to exist & rainbow eyes. The dress isn’t the worst thing I’ve ever seen her wear but it’s not GREAT EITHER. GAWD, HALSEY.

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Great color but can’t exactly get on board with the Shaq-sized sports jacket and hard flare pants.

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Lizzo is an orange cupcake. Don’t do ruffles, girl. Just don’t. Shout out to her purse tho–wonder if she’s holding Will Ferrell’s cell phone in that.

willferrell

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I’m being very honest when I say that one look at Kesha’s hair here made me want to puke. Those bangs look like they are plastered to her forehead. Also she’s wearing a robe.

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Gaga isn’t here so Xtina thought she would step up to the plate in her absence. No one should ever have block shoulders.

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Heidi out here dressing like it’s the VS Fashion Show. Is she wearing the fantasy bra?!?!

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This is such a Tyra outfit that I almost burst out laughing when I saw it. America’s Next Top Model Tyra showing us how to smize while also dressed like a slutty Panama Jack.

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I’m sorry but I don’t get Billie Eilish. She whisper sings and stares at the camera with voodoo eyes and dresses only in baggy bad 90’s trends. I DON’T GET IT. EXPLAIN IT TO ME, YOUTHS.

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KETCHUP & MUSTARD.

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I will not support these sneakers.

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Bad prom dress alert.

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I think we all know at this point that I was just put on this earth to roast Diplo’s country western act.

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Can we hook up this goober with Billie? They can wear his and hers plaid outfits and just make sounds at each other because that sums up both of their singing careers.

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This was a tough call for me as I love purple AND teal but sometimes you’ve gotta be the baaaaaad guy (see, I’m cool sometimes, Billie) and tell Shawn Mendes to put his chesties away. It’s way too much. Dial it back on putting the pecs on display at a family event.

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H O L Y BooBZ.  Y’all know I don’t like boobage and she’s serving a whole lot of it here. Plus I feel like maybe she should’ve sat this one out.

BEST

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Shania is poppin that hourglass figure and I respect the hell out of the fact that not only did she just come back from the dead for this awards show, but she also decided to wear her hair in the classic, pile it on top of your head because you don’t want to deal with it style. Left a little tail though, just in case.

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 I guess I’m really into the olds tonight but sometimes when you keep it tight and rock classic black, you deserve a nod.

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DAMNIT THESE TWO ARE CUTE AND COLOR COORDINATED.

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The men really showed up tonight with classy and unique suits.

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Pains me to do this because Nick Viall is such a fame-sucking wiener, but God I love this jacket color.

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I keep going back and forth on this. On the one hand, this looks genuinely uncomfortable and like she might pierce her boobs with sharp tin with a sudden movement. On the other hand, SHINY.

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Gr8 color choice for Jenna who already looks v. pregs.

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This is adorbsicles and also they both look fab.

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BAAAAAABE SOOOOOOODA.

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Love me some purple and I love me some Carrie’s stems.

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Camila going for the woodland *possibly nude* fairy look.

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I ate too much bread and my brain has gone to sleep so I can’t even find something clever and catchy to say about these two. They look like smokeshows. That is all.

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We’ve reached the part of the evening where I hate something so much that I come right back around again and like it ironically. This getup is giving me Lisa Frank vibez. I feel like he could have a purple dolphin on his pants and it would still fit in.

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This also applies to that theory. I had a friend in college who used to rock pigtail buns and I was so jelly that they looked cute on her because when I did them I looked like a real idiot. Constance is really puling off the PB’s and lace-up dress.

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KWEEN.

Standard
Music, Red Carpet, Television

CMA Awards Red Carpet 2019

Honestly forgot the CMA Awards were last night because I’m poor as dirt and had to cancel my cable subscription, but happy to report I stole someone else’s so that I could still tune in to get in touch with my country roots and hear Reba perform Fancy for the 6 millionth time because that song came out BEFORE I WAS EVEN BORN. Way to stay current, CMA’s. FTR, they also trucked Dolly Parton (another host) out to bring Nashville to the house of the Lord and sing a bunch of songs about good ole G-O-D. I get that both Rebz and Dolly are basically country royalty but like…why.  And since I came hot at Reba & Dolly (sorry, not sorry) I will also make up for it by saying that the performance of Girl Crush by up-and-coming female country stars was great. AND my favorite performance of the night was Lady Antebellum and Halsey doing a medley of What If I Never Get Over You and Graveyard. It was something I never would have expected and they crushed it. All of the claps in the world for when Halsey just busts out that kickass angel voice with no theatrics or weird dominatrix dance routines. ANYWHO. Y’all know country red carpets are the BEST to judge because some people go glam, some people go white trash and black country singers find a way to mix both and I’m really hoping they stop that soon. It’s not racist if I’m just making an observation. BLACK COUNTRY SINGERS DO NOT NEED AN ADDITIONAL REASON TO STAND OUT.  LOOK TO DARIUS RUCKER AS YOUR GUIDING LIGHT. Ok. Here we go.

WORST

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Oh, Trish. Gurlfran. Leopard print–Great. Zebra print–horribly unflattering. An important lesson in animal print for us all.

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Remembs 15 years ago when Gretchen Wilson came out with Redneck Woman? Guess she’s still stickin to that mantra real hard with this outfit that I can only assume a middle-aged mom from the midwest would wear to a club in NYC thinking she’s a real housewife. One swift move and we all see Gretchen’s redneck hooha.

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No clue who this is, I just needed to bring this horrendous monstrosity of an outfit into the light. That’s one way to embrace the jumpsuit trend. Certainly can’t miss it!

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I honestly don’t even know what garbage is sprinkled all over Nicole’s dress but it looks like a kid’s arts and crafts project. Also lolerskates to Keith’s platforms, always.

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Hate to see it, but I feel like Reese just popped out of the movie poster for Sweet Home Alabama and I also feel like the trends of the early 2000’s should never be revisited.

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I recently dipped my toe in the trendy hat game, and I am very sensitive and would hate it if anyone laughed out loud at my hat. That being said, I laughed out loud at Colton’s hat. And really his whole outfit in general. I feel like he googled “NBA stars trendy” and came up with this outfit. Cassie looks fine but unfortunately when you hitch your cart to a fashion overachiever for a boyfriend, you might just end up on a worst dressed list. Dem’s da breaks.

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No one should ever wear head to toe white. Not even on your wedding day.

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UGHHHHHHHHHH I’m so over Kacey trying to be campy western forever.

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Ok, then.

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I’m a Decker fan through and through but I’ve seen both of them knock it out of the park on a red carpet and this is not it. Just trying to keep it real & challenge my crushes to constantly impress me with their fashion choices. Don’t mail it in next time, GUYS.

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You work out or something? BOOoOOOOOooOOOO.

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I feel like Kristin is constantly dressing for Broadway and maybe sometimes she could just roll up in a simple party dress and take it doooown a notch.

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I MEAN COME ON.

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I get the feeling RaeLynn thinks she’s actually Marilyn Monroe. Someone keep an eye on her wellbeing.

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I didn’t do my research (shocking to no one) and probably will sound ignorant but like, haven’t females in country music been busting through those glass ceilings left and right in the past few years? I feel like it’s the era of female country and thus this statement cape is ill-timed. Also Jennifer Nettles rubs me the wrong way and always has. Double also, if you’re going to go for a bold statement, actually spell out the F word and show you’re a real one.

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BLECH. What is happening here. Also now that she’s preggers, what will happen to her constantly having her entire body on display at every awards show? STAY TUNED.

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I lost it when I saw this poop suit and the straight SASS in which she’s posing it up. Confidence through the roof for a suede browtfit.

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Had to toss in your typical country boy who shows a little glamour for shits and giggles.

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How are we not seeing nipple here?

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Sometimes the double leg slit just weirds me out and looks like a panel that covers your bits. I’m probably being picky as hell but the more I looked at this, the less I liked it. And that’s why I have a blog that no one reads.

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This does not strike me as an awards dress and also I’m just still mad at Miranda for constantly stealing everyone’s husbands.

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I guess we’re really hitting the females in country theme home this year by bringing two of them back from beyond the grave to host with Carrie. Pains me to say it but none of these looks are blowing me away. Obviously the show contains several outfit changes, most of them during Reba’s performance of Fancy, but we’re just judging red carpet here and EHHHHH.

BEST

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I can totes get down with the constellation sprinkle on Jake’s jacket and his lady love looks like a real babe too.

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I’m loving the color coordination here and apparently I have a thing for stars this week because I’m all in on Mrs. Dierks whole dark magic vibez.

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Another couple that I hold to high standards because they always bring it for awards shows and I’ve definitely seen Lauren in better dresses but I’m not completely coldhearted and I’m not about to toss an entire family on the worst dressed. So basically their cute ass kids saved them here. I DO love Thomas’s polka dot look and really wish he performed Up instead of his song about how everyone gets old and dies. But whatevs.

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HEART EYES EMOJI. Mah gurl is 2 for 2 in recent red carpets lookin like the dime piece I know she is. I love classy Halsey and I need more of her in my life. Fingers crossed she keeps it up for the AMA’s.

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What a classic look for a real country hottie who does the opposite of Thomas Rhett and sings that grandpas never die. Real hot take. Also this is the part where I shamelessly bring it back to myself because I met him and I got to watch someone sneak into his meet & greet and give him a hat with Albany, NY on it that she specifically bought for him and it was v. cringeworthy. Plus I belong on a red carpet for my sassy pony (may it rest in peace ever since my tragic visit to Supercuts 2 weeks ago.)

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Bros lookin sharp.

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Sheryl Crow can be tossed into the pool of never-aging Hollywood greats.

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Again, I feel real uncomfy with shitting on kids fashion so shoutout to Pink & Carey and their minis really embracing the country theme. If we’re being real honest, I think I like both kids attires more than Pink’s burnt orange look.

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Daaaayummmmmn.

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This outfit & pose slayed me. From top to bottom: the protective goggle sunglasses, the HARD finger gunz, a Burberry-esque trench, the leather messenger bag like he’s going to class in 1998 and the “hiking” boots that American Eagle for SURE sold when I was in high school. SO MANY THINGS HAPPENING AT ONCE. And props to Blanco for committing to the bit and pulling the winner’s name out of his messenger bag later in the night.

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YAAASSS LEOPARD KWEENS!!!! Cough cough, this is how you safari, Trisha, COUGH.

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It appears as though Hil is wearing a waist trainer and probably ceased to breathe all evening, but she looks GR8.

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Sara Evans is approaching 50 and LOOK AT THOSE DAMN LEGS.

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I ain’t even mad that she mixed all of the animal prints because it nicely breaks up the zoot suit riot that is the rest of her group.

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I was actually so ready to shit all over this wet blanket (for those of you who didn’t see her run on the Bachelor, the nickname fits) but we all know I have a real weak spot for yellow.

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I love that this is not revealing at all and yet the rainbow makes it fun and fresh.

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Walker’s loafers look a little geeky but I’m diggin’ wifey’s dress.

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I’m pretty sure this is the only red of the evening and gurl is werking it.

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I know it’s not fair to give my favorite look of the night honor to someone who doesn’t even belong at an awards show but holy shit this is my favorite look of the night. Own those fifteen minutes and appear wherever they ask you to if they keep dressing you up like this, honey.

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What a cutie this fella is! Looking dapper with a dash of mountainman beard.

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Honestly I’ve seen like 4 people in Hollywood rock this silk PJ’s look now and I really just want a pair of these pants REAL bad. They look comfy AF.

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Ending on another high note of me shoving a picture of myself with someone famous enough to walk a red carpet right in your grillpiece. Tenille is adorable, makes polka dots look good and is also super nice and complimented my leopard pants. Because as you know, complimenting me will get you everywhere. Those are the rules. I didn’t write them. (JK, I totes did.)

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Red Carpet, Television

Emmys 2019 Red Carpet

Since I cut cable out of my life in the middle of summer when none of my shows were on and it wasn’t awards season yet, obviously last night was a real wake up call. I had to work the hardest to steal cable from my wealthier family members and then the app closed out during every commercial break so basically what I’m trying to say is appreciate this awards season content extra from my poor ass cause the struggle is R E A L.

WORST

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I mean, without fail, every time, we get a salsa dancer emoji on the red carpet. Props to this gal for being it.

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This is a glittery garbage bag.

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I’m so perplexed by this. Was the top an accident? Did they take the hem off of the bottom and then just bunch it up and toss it over her head like a bib?

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I wanted to be on board with this but it’s just too many things at once. Erect Ciny Lou-Who hair, ruffled top, wide belt/tuxedo jacket waist, cape, hard flares….WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN. Pick one of these things. ONE.

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Ugh this is SUCH a Dawson Leery tryhard outfit. Barf all over me.

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The Emmys isn’t really the time to try punk rocker chic, plz see yourself to an Avril Lavigne concert, Jenny.

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I’m sorry. I can’t get on board with brown anything. This is a poop suit.

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This chick came about 2 years late to the Met Gala “Catholicism” theme.

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Holy boobs.

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Ah, a classic outfit for when the seasons are changing. Cold shoulder for a little sun on the left, long sleeve on the right because it’s chilly in the mornings. Oh and why not just slap a pair of pants on underneath? Convenient.

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80’s prom dress, clap, clap, clapclapclap.

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I don’t need to see clear from your chin to your panty line or lack thereof.

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I can get down with a good jumpsuit but I’ve already expressed my disdain with the gaucho style pant leg coming back and if I CAN’T FIND YOUR FEET, YOUR PANTS ARE DOING TOO MUCH.

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The good news is we’re not staring directly at Alex’s erect nipples in a silk dress this year. The bad news is she still doesn’t look great.

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Meh. After making Four Weddings and a Funeral appointment TV every Wednesday night, I wanted more from our gurl Maya. This also feels like a prom look.

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Fine dress to wear to a backyard wedding, not an awards show.

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Also feel let down by the new J.Law cool girl, Sophie. This dress is essentially the same color as her skin and it’s really not doing anything for me.

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Wooooooof this bright purple does not go well with her transparent skin color.

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Only these two a-holes would OVERDRESS for an awards show that they have no business being at. Also quick shout out to them presenting the best reality TV Emmy and having the crowd BURST out laughing at “our family knows how to make good TV just by being ourselves.” And these sweet, sweet idiots were confused when everyone started laughing. CUT TO THE NOMINEES, QUICK.

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Again with the odd shapes just tossed on top. Is that a cape as a top? How does it stay up?!

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I love this color and her hair and pink lip but does the top piece not look like a saggy bikini top? It’s like Christina Long Boobs Applegate up in HERE.

BEST

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I was all set to make a Free Willy joke at first glance on this outfit but honestly she’s pulling killer whale chic OFF. And Eugene looks sharp as well.

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WHAT A PASTEL DREAM. I die for this color.

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I like both of these colors together. God, I sound like Taylor Swift now with Synesthesia but for realz I dig. Plus a jazzy plaid done right.

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B2B Pretty Princess ‘fits

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Oh Shit, Ray-J.

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Classic

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Don’t really understand how she manages to appear at every red carpet ever but we all know how I feel about yellow this year as evident by my Gold Old Navy heels that I bought on clearance in July and have worn literally every single day since. Fun fact: yellow goes with everything. Says me.

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Sterling perpetually looks fresh to death.

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Everyone’s slobbering all over this actress because everyone’s slobbering over Fleabag. I haven’t seen it but she’s crushing in this woodland fairy angel dress.

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Token blue suit that I drool over.

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Normally I would dump all over this outfit because I don’t support ladies who attend a classy event with their areolas one deep breath away from busting free, but this is Mandy Moore we’re talking about here and she’s basically an American treasure. She’s got some sassy curls and she’s giving us good leg and for that I’m willing to overlook the near nip slip.

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Suspenders thing is kinda wierd but this cooooooolooooooorrrr

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I would give my left tit for perfect ombre’d mermaid waves like these.

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Can’t go wrong with a basic black gown.

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JLD is such a babe soda.

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Great color and style for Sandra.

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One of many pink/red combo deals and I liked them all. Yes they’re all essentially the same exact dress accentuating different body parts but I’m here for it.

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I WANT THESE SPARKLE PANTS.

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There was obviously a two-for-one special on this fabric. I wonder if stylists get fired when they pull this move and put several A-listers in essentially the same dress. Someone let me know. I live for the drama.

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YaAaAaaAsssSssss Kweeeeeen. (it’s past my bedtime so now I’m just reverting to basic bitch cliche phrases but honestly this really sums up how I feel about this outfit anyway.)

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He’s still a creepster but at least he dresses ON POINT.

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Another nod to the fashionable gents representin’

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YELLOW. And this style is supes flattering on Busy & helps to distract from her cotton candy hurrr.

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This is kind of a risky look for Michelle Williams who usually wears solid color classic cut gowns. She looks beautiful as always.

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HOT PINK GET IT GURL.

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My sister texted me yesterday and said she made about 12 leopard print purchases in TJ Maxx and wore one of them around the store while she was shopping. And I replied that if my entire wardrobe could consist of leopard and camo print, I could die happy. Something tells me Bonnie gets us.

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Zendaya gets the two syllable dAYYY-UmmNNN of the evening. I mean how could she not?

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What a disco ball!

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YES YES YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES!!!!! THE ONLY REASON HALSEY ISN’T MY FAVORITE LOOK OF THE NIGHT IS BECAUSE I FELT LIKE I SHOULD GIVE IT TO SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY IS A TV STAR, BUUUUUT, CAN I JUST SAY SHE MUST BE READING MY BLOG? I HAVE HARPED ON HALSEY FOOOOORRRREEEVVERRRR ABOUT HOW PRETTY SHE IS AND SHE DRESSES LIKE A HOEBOT AND SHE DELIIIIIIIIVERED FOR THE EMMYS. (ALSO SANG A PHENOM COVER OF TIME AFTER TIME) ANYWAY BACK TO THIS CLASSY AND BEAUTIFUL DRESS AND IT’S MY FAVORITE COLOR AND HER HAIR IS NATURAL AND PRETTY AND HER MAKEUP IS MINIMAL BECAUSE SHE DON’T NEED NO MAKEUP AND OK I’LL STOP SHOUTING. IT’S LIKE I JUST WANT TO SCREAM IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS THAT HALSEY IS A BEAUT AND I LOVE HER. THE END.

FAVE LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

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At first I just thought this was unique and cool, a shiny striped dress. Then I saw her take the stage and it’s all intricate beading. Making it 100x cooler. A lot of great looks tonight but this was by far my favorite.

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