Music, Playlist

Lady Jams Playlist

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This is one of those collections of songs that could possibly be embarrassing to jam to, and are also mostly one-hit wonders…but most importantly, when the CD-R was invented, you bet your bottom dollar these were some of the first songs I burned to a mix, tossed into my karaoke player and bumped. One thing they all have in common is that they’re lady singers. So pour a glass of pinot grig, put on your yoga pants and feel all the feels with this gurl pop throwback playlist. #BOYSSTINK

1. I Wanna Be Bad- Willa Ford. I always believe in starting off a mix with a hard bang and I think we can all agree Willa Ford, certified badgurl does just that. Never to be heard from again after the TRL days, I’m assuming good ole Willa and her boy Royce did some jail time cause they’re BaD 2 tha BONE. PS my sister had a friend who claimed Willa Ford was her babysitter and used to steal blueberries from their fridge. #BadGirlLyfe

2. Everything- M2M. These two hail from Norway and America welcomed them with wide open arms. Their jams were so hot one of them even ended up in a Pokemon movie. This particular number was performed on Dawson’s Creek’s spring break episode. If it’s good enough for Pacey, it’s good enough for me.

3. Stuck- Stacie Orrico. Oh how I miss Stacy with an “ie”. This was a sassy boy troubles song and to be honest I don’t think our girl Stace ever came out with anything else. Go out on top, that’s what I always like to say. Correction: She also sang “There’s Gotta Be More To Life” which is also a top hit. 

4. All the Things She Said- t.A.T.u. I guess we were all SUPER diverse with our music duos in the 2000’s because this is a Russian group—I had to look that up because all I remembered about terribly named t.A.T.u was that they were lesbians. Not even sure if that’s a rumor…but they did smooch in the video which was REAL scandalous.

5. Breathe (2 AM)- Anna Nalick. If you didn’t memorize every single word to this song when it came out I don’t want to know you as a person. It’s kind of a downer, but I couldn’t make an all girl tribute from the 2000’s and not include Anna. So this will be the part of the playlist where you think about what you’ve done, and JUST BREATHE. PS immature Julia laughed at “naked in front of the crowd” every time. Sorry not sorry.

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6. 4ever- The Veronicas. The Veronicas were a couple of BA’s. Realistically I don’t know anything about them but both of their hits banged real hard. In fact, I still use the intro to “Untouched” as an alarm sometimes when I want to wake up terrified and disoriented. As you might recall, this number scored the infamous carnival scene from She’s the Man where Amanda Bynes switches from girl to boy faster than you can pull popcorn out of your cleavage.

7. Gotta Tell You- Samantha Mumba. Samantha is Irish?! I tell ya, learn something new everyday. Anyway, Gotta Tell You is a great dance number if say, you wanted to invite 10 of your closest gal pals over for a slumber and choreograph an intricate dance like you’re all Wade Robson.

8. Rush- Aly&AJ. Wouldn’t be a Salty Ju mix unless I snuck a little Disney love into play. Were they pretty queer in their DCOM’s? Obviously. But is this song a hot rock number for two Disney blondes? Absolutely.

9. Ordinary Day- Vanessa Carlton. Threw you a curveball here. Everyone and their mother knows that A Thousand Miles is the anthem of the 2000’s. I decided to switch it up with an underdog from our favorite piano-playin gal. She sings about falling in love in a dream or something? Who cares when you’re wailing at the top of your lungs in a solo car concert with Ness. If only I also had a piano in my car…

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10. Take Me Away- FeFe Dobson. In my 13th year, I went through a really hardcore punk phase. It was the days of Ashlee Simpson and Avril and FeFe. Feef’s was my girl because she wore wife-beaters and studded belts and rocked hard. I purchased her CD with my hard-earned money and I’m not ashamed to admit I unearthed it recently and remembered every word. She even has a creepy song called Julia, so we’re basically BFFs.

11. What Do You Do- The Troys. This probably also could’ve gone on my 8th grade angst playlist but I forgot about these bada$$e$ so here we are.

12. Love Song- Sara Bareilles. Sara is still crushing it present day, but no one will ever forget her debut piano jam that set a precedent for independent woman all ova! Also this is another ideal song for exercising your vocal range at a slower pace.

13. Dumb Girls- Lucy Woodward. A catchy one-hit wonder for Lucy also happens to be REAL cheesy. At least she tries to be a rebel with, “I look at the ground and give the sky the middle finger.” YEAH YOU FLICK THAT SKY OFF.

14. It’s About Time- Lillix. I actually forgot about Lillix for a minute until last weekend when my sister’s ipod shuffle brought it back (among The Click Five…yikes) but I’m glad they came back into my life just before I made this playlist. Pretty sure I had their CD too, because I had an eclectic taste in music, obviously.

15. Everywhere- Michelle Branch. The millennium didn’t have music if it wasn’t for the dynamic duo of Michelle and Vanessa. Their piano-slammin hits about boys completed me. Michelle had a leg up over Vanessa with weird pronunciations of words though so I’d like to thank her for the pure joy I get from singing “turn it inside out so I can seee-UH.”

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16. Why Not- Hilary Duff. Heard this classic at a pre-game a couple weeks ago and had the unfortunate realization that I once thought it was VERY cool to put the lyric “You always dress in yellow, when you wanna dress in GOLD” in my AIM profile and highlight the font in yellow. Yikes, Julia. Regardless of how stupid the lyrics are to this song, it’s still a classic. How else would you know how to get to heaven… or even to L.A.?

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17. Somebody- Bonnie McKee. One last mellow cry before we end this mix with a bang. Apparently Bonnie is making dance pop hits now but let’s never forget the time when she was wah-wahing about how single she was. At my very first parent-less concert (Ryan Cabrera), she opened and I got to meet her. Pretty sure I was the asshole who was like I don’t even know this chick and thus I don’t care but what a great ballad this is for crying into your wine. Just me? Nevermind.

18. Leave (Get Out)- JoJo. Not only does this song slay but it has a message, and that message is LEAVE because my mix is over and our time together is done. No seriously, GET OUUUUUUUUTTTTT!!!! PS how impressive is it that a thirteen year old wailed that note?

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Music, Playlist

Summer Palooza 2K15

Although technically summer started a few weeks ago, I present to you, this year’s Summer PALOOZA! Every year since roughly 2007, my sister and I would fire up the Limewire on our shared desktop computer and download our favorite current pop songs for a banging summer windows down jam mix. The summer palooza tradish hit a little snafu in 2013 when we had some difficulty agreeing on songs, had to make a 2.0 halfway through the summer and then 2014 we didn’t make one at all. We’ll refer to that as the year that summer never came. Anyway, IT’S BACK BITCHES and as the sis and I gathered round our laptops on 4th of July weekend, bickered over songs and hand-picked this mix like a couple of losers who were totally not about to watch the movie The Duff, I decided that this should be shared with the world. Happy Summer!

  1. Worth It- Fifth Harmony Ft. Kid Ink. A sucker for a good trumpet interlude, this was a given and a phenomenal way to set the tone of the summer.
  2. Gold In The Summertime- Matt Nathanson. We love our boy Matty, a love that has stemmed from my oldest sister being his numba 1 fan and resulted in all of us meeting him last summer for a quick Giantomasi family photo shoot. Plus it’s rare these days to find an actual summer themed song so this new release from him was necessary to include.IMG_3543
  3. Kick the Dust Up- Luke Bryan. Luke, my favorite backwards hat-tight v-neck wearin country piece of man meat is back to gyrate those hips like there’s no tomorrow with this one. FINALLY. I’ve waited far too long for another upbeat smash from Lukey and this one delivers. My friend Lindsey pointed out to me that she cringes every time he sings “let’s tear it up up” and I couldn’t agree more. I love the song but it kills me that he couldn’t have a quick round robin with the writers to find another word that rhymes with up. Then I see him turn that hat backwards and all is forgiven.
  4. Bad Girls- MKTO. MKTO is fire flames hot. They only put out hits and this is obviously no different. These two goons have a little bad girl fetish and I respect that about them. The first step is admitting you have problem. Also bonus points for the “MKT-007” line in the rap break. So smooth.
  5. House Party- Sam Hunt. Full disclosure this was a song that my sister and I had quite a tiff about. She was adamant about including it and I was adamant about enforcing the “new songs only” rule. I did a little research (right clicked the song in iTunes) and saw that this song was downloaded in November AKA it belongs on Thanksgiving Palooza, not summer palooza. Unfortunately, she won this round because it’s kind of a song that never gets old and Sam is a smoke so we’ll let it slide.
  6. Nobody Love- Tori Kelly. Tori is the TRUTH. When she casually opens wide and wails a high note for like 30 seconds in the middle of the song? Holy crap. Chillz. Plus this song is so sassy it makes me want to snap and also simultaneously break-dance in the streets. I won’t…but I want to.
  7. Lose My Mind- Brett Eldredge. Ah, Brett…YOU make me lose my mind every time I look into those baby blues. Seriously, can the walls close in when I’m stuck in a padded room with you? What were we talking about? Oh yeah, this song is good because it’s Brett and everything he does is bomb.com.
  8. Honey, I’m Good- Andy Grammer. One time I met Andy Grammer’s talent manager when I was in Italy, hammered. Apparently he found him singing on the streets and was like YA GONNA BE A STAR. Anyway, now Andy IS a star because he puts out catchy AF tunes like this one. I keep getting ready for this song to annoy me and we’re just not there yet.
  9. Worse Things Than Love- Timeflies Ft. Natalie La Rose. Cal from Timeflies is best known for his mashups and ability to freestyle rap like nobody’s biz, also he’s like, really pretty. Rez is his beat master and partner in crime. This is a brand new original song from them that I can’t get enough of. Check out Timeflies Tuesday on YouTube if you dig this song.
  10. Broke- Jason Derulo Ft. Stevie Wonder & Keith Urban. No words needed for how much I slobber over every song from Jason “I only make bangerz” Derulo. This is off of his new album that is obviously phenomenal. J’s over the gold diggers and spits the truth about mo money mo problems; he also casually throws it over to Stevie Wonder for a quick sax solo (sold.)
  11. Crash and Burn- Thomas Rhett. This little nugget has been a dark horse in the country game lately…I feel like he’s been cranking out hits the past couple of years and I love it a whole lot. Don’t know one single word to this song but that’s why we put it on the palooza, so that by August, when I’ve listened to it no less than 200 times, I have also taught myself all the words to perform solos at the stoplight.
  12. Good Thing- Sage the Gemini Ft. Nick Jonas. Absolutely no clue who Sage is, which is pretty embarrassing for him because he starts out the song with “they already know me, S-A-G-E.” First step is confidence, I guess, but Sage, nobody knows you. EVERYBODY knows Nick Jonas though and he steals the spotlight on this one. Sing that hook, baby face. Then flash me the abs.
  13. Brother- Needtobreathe Ft. Gavin DeGraw. Here’s a quick gospel insert for the summer. It’s our boy Gav, a tasty piano lick, and a nice uplifting group sing-along. Raise your arms up and sway with those windows down (only if you’re the passenger.)
  14. Wrapped Up- Olly Murs Ft. Travie McCoy. Membs Travie McCoy from Gym Class Heroes? This Bruno Mars sounding beat brings back Travie along with Olly my British crush foreva. It’s fun and infectious in case you were having too many feels from the last song.
  15. Parking Brake- Dan + Shay. We can always count on some country singers to put out a summer themed song (the very reason I can’t listen to country music during the miserable northeast winter.) These two cuties croon about macking it up in the car, summer style. Cutoffs, sweet tea, red lips, trucks and the river…they cover all the essential southern bases.
  16. I Don’t Mind- Usher ft. Juicy J. Again, we have a winter release song, but guess what? Usher sexily serenading about letting his girl be a stripper because it means she’s bringing in her own income while Juicy J shouts stuff in the background will NEVER get old. SHE HERE, SHE HERE! Now go make that money, money, money grl and make your man proud.
  17. Anything Goes- Florida Georgia Line. FGL basically only make summer songs because there can only be one season when you wear open vests 24/7. Duhs. This is their latest and it’s a typical FGL barn yard hootenanny of red solo cups full of liquor and dancing by the river…Fri-YAY.
  18. Bad Blood- Taylor Swift. This was a bit of a tussle because I’m a very diehard Swiftie and the sis is a very country T.Swift ONLY fan, so when I politely asked if I could include a jam from 1989 since I was very gracious with any song that she wanted, she had to approve the one I chose. It’s safe to say she hated every single song I played for her. We agreed to settle on this one, no remix style (I’m not buying the same song again…) FTR, Blank Space over everything….I got a hard pass from my co-mix producer though. BANDAIDS DON’T FIX BULLET HOLES, SNIFFLES.
  19. White Houses- Vanessa Carlton. When we made the first palooooza, this song was current and we loved it so hard that it earned the closing spot on every year’s mix, no matter how old it gets. I think we can always relate to mah gurl Ness losing her V in the backseat of a car at summer camp. Plus…”The summer’s all in bloom, the summer’s ending soon.” Such a poignant way to close. (That may or may not have been an AIM profile staple every.single.summer.)
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Music, Pop Culture, Television

AMA’s Recap

WHY in the history of music awards shows the top picks for hosts are LL Cool J and Pitbull is easily the greatest mystery of the world. It’s no secret that my hate for Pitbull/Mr. Worldwide/ Mr. 305 is to the moon and back so I’m going to try my best to ignore his antics and focus on the other parts of the show. (Key word here is try…I make no promises).

The opening performance of the night is our very own Ms. Taylor Swift performing Blank Space for the first time live. You all probably think I’m going to bow down to whatever she does but I’m mature enough to admit that this performance was all sorts of wrong. It was essentially a live action version of the music video and it was way too much. The sound sucked and Taylor felt the need to out-crazy the video version of herself and it was just plain scary. There were special fx flames left and right and guys being poisoned by apples and I didn’t know where to look. Her over-acted expressive crazy eyes were all over the place and it was pretty terrifying. She ended the performance with a smirk and a new man coming through a prop door with roses. Way to stick the landing but certainly not her best performance.

Remember how I said that I wasn’t going to focus on Mr. 305? I lied. Sue me. Dale. Pitbull took his hosting time to remind us all that he is in fact Cuban/Latino and essentially turned the awards into a bilingual broadcast. He declared that when he speaks Spanish the ratings go up, which is interesting because nothing made me want to turn off my TV more. After every commercial break we were promptly reminded that he speak Spanish, he also educated us all on what an Instagram filter is. It’s a good thing he was around because the Awards clearly could not have functioned without him. We were also blessed with a performance from him and this included his latest song Fireball which has singlehandedly ruined my favorite drink. Thanks for nothing, Pitbull.

Best Moments:

-One Direction won a bunch of awards and group hugged every time and we all got to hear them say “massive, massive thank you” in their cutesicle accents. Their performance took place in a grassy field and there was lots of tingly eye contact with the camera.

-Ariana Grande performed a stripped down medley like a classy cabaret singer in a black lace dress.

-Selena Gomez performs “The Heart Wants What It Wants” for the first time and gives us all the feels. She looked amazing in a long champagne colored gown with her hair down in waves, the backdrop was super moody and got a little distracting at times (chunky crying mascara eyes). Her pre-song blabbering was part of the performance unfortunately, but there was a part where some realistic wings came into play and I actually thought she might fly off the stage. Was really banking on a buildup to a sob sesh at the end but her grand finale was just some wet eyes. BOOOOOO. Don’t worry though because Taylor supplied them in full. Girl was a one woman broadway act last night. I usually cherish her audience cam moments for some awkward dancing but tonight was over the top.

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-Speaking of Taylor stealing the show, she was awarded the first ever Dick Clark Award of Excellence, presented by Diana Ross who needed to be reminded that women don’t cover their face in blush anymore. We get to see a highlight reel of Tay’s general awesomeness and then she gets up to accept the award and kisses everyone in her posse (noticeably absent: Lena Dunham). Tay slobbers all over Diana Ross and how great she is and then talks directly to me when she thanks her fans for buying CD’s still. You’re welcome, T.

-The “Bang Bang” performance was pretty great and it’s a summer song that I can still get down with. Jessie J started out the song in the audience bopping around from celeb to celeb. She started with Khloe Kardashian who booty bumped her right on over to Tay’s crew, because of course. Jessie J learned quickly not to get down with Taylor Swift unless you want the spotlight ripped from your hands. Lorde tries to get in on it as well but we all shield our eyes. Then Ariana Grande takes it away onstage with a chair dance and a typical inapprops outfit & of course Nicki Minaj comes back out to play and is in her normal skanky uniform again. Joke’s over. They move back out to the audience to writhe around and it becomes clear that Nicki is above mingling with others.

 

Worst Moments:

-Charli XCX’s performance of “Boom Clap” which was straight out of every 90’s prom scene in the movies and quickly turned into her stripping into a latex outfit with a studded choker dancing around with some goth freaks and touching her boobs.

-Magic performs Rude, except it’s no longer summer and the song has lost it’s catchy appeal. Wyclef Jean joins them onstage and it is pretty much a stoner jam sesh. They take it to the audience and serenade a random girl who clearly doesn’t know what to do.

-Nicki Minaj performs a slower song wearing a floor length, long sleeve white gown trying to trick us all into thinking she’s an angel and not the disgusting hoe that showed us all her butthole during her Anaconda performance a mere few months ago at the VMA’s.

-Josh Duhamel introduces Fergie to perform “LA Love” and I’m reminded again how a perfect specimen like Josh married Fergalicious…and then made a kid with her. This song is offensively bad. I expected Harajuku girls to appear in the performance. It was so loud with so many colors and made my eyes hurt. At the end, Fergie strips a layer off and it gets stuck to her butt.

-JLo & Iggy’s “Booty” being the final performance of the night. Enough with the butts. So over it.

 

Things that made me question everything:

-Boy band Five Seconds of Summer performs a cover of What I Like About You. Is this even legal? Can a band perform a cover at an awards show like it’s karaoke night?

-During Iggy Azalea’s performance she was wearing a leotard, reenacting an 80’s exercise video and patted her vag far too many times for comfort.

-Lorde gives us a typical weirdo freak performance of her staring at the camera with dead witchy eyes and having an exorcism onstage and I was afraid. Taylor gets a lot of screen time dancing to her scary goth friend’s performance. She ends the song by smearing her black lipstick all over her face and Tay does her surprised face. I also had a surprised face at the fact that these two are friends.

-Lil Wayne has a quick performance with Christina Millian in red lingerie. Remember when she was irrelevant and the social media girl for The Voice? Christina provides some backup vocals and grinds all over Lil Wayne. Thanks for coming.

-Luke Bryan is there to present and not gyrate onstage. WHO SANCTIONED THIS? He also won an award and had lipstick on because he made out with his hot wife and stuck a dagger in my heart.

-Katy Perry wins an award and a Katy Perry robot, much like a hologram, accepts on her behalf via recording. If the robot ran out of battery and died mid-thank you I think it would’ve been less awkward than what actually happened.

-McDreamy being the first person to present an award. Was he lost? I’m confused.

-Iggy Azalea accepts an award wearing a frumpy business suit that I would expect a middle aged woman to wear with a pair of white sensible walking sneaks on the way to her cubicle for the day. She also had a huge crimped ponytail to sweeten the outfit.

-Garth Brooks with a satellite performance? Could this be more out of place?

-Every commercial break, Kohl’s had an extensive ad featuring children scream-singing Let It Go and I wished harmful things upon everyone involved in the making of this commercial and also Frozen.

-It is mind bottling that everyone is OBSESSED over scrutinizing the Harry Styles/Taylor Swift relationship or hatefest and yet there wasn’t ONE camera glance of either of their reactions to the other winning or performing. Do the producers of the AMA’s know what makes good TV? The answer is a hard no…because they chose Pitbull to host 2 years in a row.

 

Final thoughts- If you follow me on twitter (and you should) you know that for the past year or so I’ve been live tweeting every awards show regardless of how awesomely bad it is…exhibit A. This started about a year ago when my friend and I decided that our opinions were hilarious and important and vital to every awards show. Apparently our tradition has gotten a little out of hand because here is last night’s commentary from each of us without us being remotely anywhere near each other. We’ve morphed into one twitter awards show monster and you all should be frightened.

twitterfeed (click to enlarge)

Follow @LindseyReilly for all of your award show needs and all other things hilarious, cause she’s awesome. We will be tag teaming all awards season this year so please mentally prepare yourselves for those judgements to come.

Performances (that I could find):

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Music

Step Aside, Selena.

Immediate Reactions to the Blank Space Music Video:

First and foremost, I understand that surprise releases are all the rage now in music ever since Beyonce blew everyone’s minds and snuck a full CD with music videos but I’m super over it. It gives me anxiety when buzzworthy things happen midday and I cannot participate because my cubicle computer is open to all surrounding roaming eyes. My FOMO nightmare came true today and I dealt with it by specifically going home for lunch to watch. Obv this was a really mature and adult decision. It was in the privacy of my own home that I was able to watch the video twice, uninterrupted with no judgsies.

Next let’s address the elephant in the room. Remember how I made a wisecrack about Taylor releasing her CD before Selena’s big dramatic music video, thus upstaging her? Well it seems I can predict the future. Props to Tay for giving Selena the spotlight for a WHOLE weekend before slyly but not at all slyly snaking it back.

I was really anticipating this video (all morning long when that’s all I could think about.) Mostly because this is the number one JAM from 1989. (If you read my review you would already know this. Duhs.) So much sassiness and so much potential for a music video. Taylor straight up delivered on the psycho factor. Couldn’t be weirder. It’s everything I could have ever wanted for this song and more. Here’s the full video for your viewing and reviewing pleasure.

As a film major in college (LOLZ) and a fellow music video director (double LOLZ) I can tell you that in my professional opinion this is top quality stuff. Shot like a film in a mansion fit for a Kennedy (wink) it looked great and so did Tay with her 500 outfit changes. You’re obviously wondering, what looks were her best? Lucky for you I screenshot every outfit of the video just for this very moment. I know, I know, I’m so kind. Let’s do it to it.

BOMB outfits:

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STRONG start with Lingerie Tay holding Olivia Benson (for a touch of innocence). Cleavage+Cat=PG13. That is, until Olivia is replaced by a knife for cray cray Tay.

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IMG_4065 Full lace gown descending a grand staircase. Badass princess moment.

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Ballroom dancing in the sparkliest of gowns. Just a regular Friday night for T. This is just what she wears from the gym.

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Is this the Oscars or a music video? But seriously.

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50’s Tay getting after some champagne and candy.

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Taylor brings Jersey Shore to the mansion with dubs leps. Couldn’t love it more.

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White Crop combo for her ode to Tiger Woods. Legs.

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She borrowed this witchy black number from Lorde.

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Cat eye on point.

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Little white dress for burning and throwing your boyfriends clothes. Everyone should have one.

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Final look. Perfection.

Ehh Outfits:

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Not crazy about the dress and hair combo in “stab my boyfriend’s rich person portrait” Taylor

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Don’t get me wrong, she’s absolutely pulling.this.off. but it’s a little too much.

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This is too normal of a dress for cutting boob holes in your boyf’s shirt. Blah.

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Too much old lady. Not enough leopard.

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This looks like it would give her a mean wedgie. Also I think Allie wore this in The Notebook.

Weird Moments:

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Riding bikes around the living room. You know, cause why exercise in the private gym that is 100% in that mansion when you can ride your Huffy through the parlor.

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Walking your two guard dogs with your boyfriend who is also wearing a cape. Real talk: This is my dream. Dogs and men (in capes…just kitten) Also for fear of putting up redundant pictures, this dress makes the best outfit list. Duh.

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Standing on a horse. (This is less weird and more so just IMPRESSIVE) Do you think I could get away with trying that next year in downtown Saratoga? One of the cops will totes lend me his horse for Taylor reenactment via Caroline St. right? (This is an EH outfit)

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Crying and writhing in the hallway next to a deer. Don’t bring Bambi into your troubles, Crazy Tay. She’s just an innocent forest creature.

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This is Twilight. Amirite Twihards?

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Halloween is over. Stop trying to give me nightmares.

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GET IT, TAY.

Drumroll PLEASE. And the best moment of this video goes to the delivery of the best line of the song. Anyone whose listened to this song and doesn’t giggle every time she says “Cause darling I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream” with a haughty laugh is not really enjoying life. Boom.

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The ferocious grab of the head and sneering of that lyric in “Sean’s” grill piece was exactly what we all needed. Supes aggress and I didn’t hate it one bit. I’m actually surprised she didn’t follow it up with spitting in his mouth. SUCK IT, SEAN. DON’T MESS. (this outfit was also a BEST but since she was hurling her body around throwing shit at him I couldn’t get a good snap of it. Necklace game so strong.)

Honorable Mention:

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This Guy ❤ Yum. Well done, gurl.

Hope you enjoyed reliving all things Blank Space. If you didn’t, pls see below.

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Music, Pop Culture

Start your weekend with some DRAMA.

I’m gonna be real straightforward here and come clean. I followed Justin Bieber on Instagram roughly 4 months ago and I hate myself for it. I got caught up in the world’s fascination with Selena and Justin’s tumultuous on and off again relationship and he posted a few scandalous ‘grams and before I knew it I had hit the follow button and never turned back. I figured out of the two of them he would be more likely to make an ass of himself on social media and slip up/create drama that I could then make myself a part of (This goes back to my innate addiction to being the first person to report celeb news…which I refuse to seek treatment for) Anyway, the point of this long and embarrassing confession is that if I didn’t follow Biebs on Insta and see up close what a ridiculous clown he is, I wouldn’t have material for this blog. Selena dropped a music video and single yesterday that is essentially a diary entry about her unhealthy relationship with that punk. In case you haven’t heard/seen it yet here it is:

Girl just out-drama’ed Taylor Swift. The TEARS. The ACTING. Selena pulled out all the stops, just shy of having Biebs in the video instead of a Biebs-esque actor (with questionable facial hair) that she casj mounted for a car hookup. Perhaps she wanted to spark a little jealousy? I’m onto you Selena.

Ok be serious, guys. Let’s get to the real meat of this music video. The beginning voiceover of her stuttering and crying. If this gave you the uncomfies and you skipped over it, don’t you even worry because I’m here to give you the gist of her creepy E True Hollywood story intro to the music video. Basically the Biebs banged a bunch of randoms and made Selena feel like a garbage can. Were those her exact ugly crying words? No. HOWEVER I’m really good at reading between the lines. Trust me. After about 40 seconds of this babble it starts to sound like a drunk voicemail that she left for him. Don’t drink and dial, Sel. Drinking and tweeting is totes fine though. The actual song finally starts 48 seconds in and I think I speak for everyone when I say that I already feel emotionally drained before she even starts singing. The message of the song is that this relationship is Sucktown, USA but she’s in love, so everyone can STFU and stop judging her. The song itself isn’t bad. I kinda dig it…sue me. Like is this MJ Blige or Selena Gomez with those R&B vibez?! Jus sayin. But before you get caught up in the snaps or start to let her tears persuade you to get all emosh. Let’s refresh ourselves on who this song is about:

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 WHAT a CATCH.

Of course since yesterday’s release she’s already been accosted by people wanting even more juicy deets. Apparently, according to my sources, (the internet…it never lies) Justin saw the video a year ago and said it was beautiful (puke.) and Taylor Swift also got a preview, because duh, and she watched it three times in a row most likely with her surprised face and loved it. Selena probably casually told her, “Yeah I’m thinking about releasing this in November.” Taylor then immediately texted her manager, moving up the release date of 1989 to 2 weeks before Selena’s video. Shake it off, Selena, shake it off.

PS: If these two really are a “modern fairytale” as Selena chokes out in between tears, we are all SCREWED.

Enjoy your weekend 🙂

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Music

Taylor Swift: 1989

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As everyone should know very well by now, whether they are a fan or not, Monday October 27th marked Taylor Swift Day. Not the first, and probably not the last, but still a joyous day indeed. Taylor dropped her newest album 1989 and I felt like this would be a fitting time to foray into music reviews. Here’s my take on 1989, track by track. *’ed tracks are my JAMS.

Full Disclosure: There is no All Too Well on this CD. There will never be another All Too Well and excuse me while I go listen to it for the 4000th time and cry softly to myself.

1. Welcome to New York: As an avid H8ER of NYC, this song on message alone bloooows. When I think “Welcome to NY”, I smell street meat mixed with homeless people BO, hear sirens and people shouting for money and see Amanda Bynes wandering aimlessly with bandaids on her face. But of course I’m not Taylor Swift with an endless bank account and supply of fresh crop coordinates to wear upon exiting the gym. So I guess I can understand how we would see NY differently. Putting that aside, not into the sick beat on this one, a little too 13 going on 30 for me. 

 Honorable mention lyrics: “Kaleidoscope of loud heartbeats under coats”  & “Took our broken hearts, put them in a drawer, Everybody here was someone else before”

2. Blank Space*: First ten seconds, gangster Tay? NICE TO MEET YOU. WHERE YOU BEEN? This is 100% one of those songs that if it were to come on I wouldn’t know how to groove to it. It’s way too cool for me. I love it. I feel like this is the sassiest Tay gets on this album and you gotta respect the sass. (PS “They’ll tell you I’m insane” hits a little close to home, huh T?)

Honorable mention lyric: “Cause darling I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream” I mean obviously. The delivery of this paired with a cocky laugh. Oohh kill em, OG T.

3. Style*: Hey do you think this is about Harry? Just wondering. This is a good “I feel like I’m reading seventeen magazine and doing my nails when I bop to this” jam. Also Taylor saying she wears a tight little skirt? HUSSY. I LOVE it. (So did Harry apparently) Burn city. Side note: Harry’s dirty locks are actually starting to go out of style, he should probably consider cleaning that up. Taylor’s red lip and crop coordinates, however, I am not sick of yet so for right now I agree. You so stylish, girl.

Honorable mention lyric: “Take me home. Just take me home” (There’s really no good lyric in this song so I chose this one because I want Harry Styles to just take me home. Also this lyric is a rare glimpse of Taylor not being a cat lady for once.)

4. Out of the Woods*: I think this one has to be my favorite so far. I hated it at first because when it came out I was still jamming so hard to Shake it Off and I wasn’t ready for it. I’m ready now. It’s just the right amount of 80’s sound. More like Breakfast Club, less like 13 Going on 30. Also I like when Tay wails OH I REMEMBER. (Insert goat sound here, internet.) Jk she has much more goaty songs yet to come.

Honorable mention lyric: “The rest of the world was black and white But we were in screaming color”

5. All You Had To Do Was Stay: This is a tough one for me. I like everything about this song except for the “stay” which is essentially the whole song. It’s supes whiny. It kind of sounds like when I would *hypothetically* perform a solo concert in my car and try to hit the high notes in All Too Well. Not gr8. And that’s why I can’t love this song.

Honorable mention lyric (this is difficult…there’s literally 4 lyrics to this song): “But people like me are gone forever when you say goodbye.” YEAH GIRL POWER. Let em walk gurrrrlll.

6. Shake It Off*: The second this song came out I loved it real hard. The downfall of this is that it got me super excited and swept up in the year of new Taylor causing me to immediately and aggressively pre-buy 1989 the next day. Pre-buying a cd is a huge commitment when you don’t know what it will sound like, it’s an even bigger and more embarrassing commitment when you realize it comes with 13 personal polaroids of Taylor and you have to ship it to your sister’s apt because you don’t have an address yet. In retrospect it was too much. I got swept away in Swift hysteria. I know that now. I DO NOT, however, regret playing this song on repeat for the remainder of the summer and long after everyone had already gotten annoyed by it. It’s the 22 of this album, and I’d like to personally thank Taylor for making it all ages. Getting past 22 was a rough spot for me. 23 just isn’t as cool and flirty. Could for sure do without the mid song talking. It gives me all the uncomfies.

Honorable mention lyric: “It’s like I got this music In my mind Saying, “It’s gonna be alright.” CHURCH. (I don’t even know what that means I just heard Scott Disick say it once so I wanted to give it a whirl.)

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7. I Wish You Would: This song feels like a Hil Duff song during the Disney days. Like I can see Lizzie McGuire jamming to this song on her Hit Clips while Gordo stares at her longingly, Ethan models and styles his fluffy Ken doll hair in his locker mirror and Miranda wears wacky clothes so that she’s less irrelevant. Did I go too far with that? Probably. But that’s all I can think of. So sue me. I think the best part of this song is when the “I wish, I wish” in the background goes away.

Honorable mention lyric: “You give me everything and nothing” So much drama. So many feels.

8. Bad Blood*: So apparently this song is about Katy Perry? I swear to God if anyone is still fighting over John Mayer we need a quick reality check. It’s John Mayer. His songs haven’t been sex since Contiuum circa 2006. Old John Mayer=worth fighting over. New hippy, post-racism retirement John Mayer=not worth fighting over. Got it? Stand down gurls. Now that we’ve cleared that up, this song is growing on me, which is why it earned a star. I like the beat and it makes me feel like I could carry a boombox on my shoulder and start street fights with girls wearing whipped cream bras with a blue wig.

Honorable mention lyric: “Bandaids don’t fix bullet holes” So true Dr. Swift, so true.

9. Wildest Dreams: I haven’t read many reviews of this album yet but one that I read before I had even listened to the album said she mimicked Lana del Ray on one track, I’m going to assume it’s this one. ALL I can think when listening to this song is how it’s almost exactly the Lana/Great Gatsby “Young & Beautiful”. Lana’s song “Say you’ll still love me when I’m no longer young and beautiful.” Tay’s song “Say you’ll remember me standing in a nice dress staring at the sunset.” Coincidence? I hate the Lana song because they used it in Gatsby to be about Daisy who is a HUGE twat. Also Kanye had it played when he proposed to Kim, insert monkey covering mouth to hold in vomit emoji. Long story short I’m not in love with this one. 

Honorable mention lyric: “Hes so tall and handsome as hell Hes so bad but he does it so well” Is this a song lyric or directly copied from the “what you’re looking for” section on my OkCupid profile? HEYYOO.

10. How You Get The Girl: Cin always taught me if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all. As you very well know I’ve never followed that rule a day in my life. I physically cannot say nice things about this song. I feel dumber after listening to it. I guess the one nice thing I can say is that the chorus SOUNDS catchy. I like how it’s sung, but the lyrics read like an advice column for Tiger Beat.

Honorable mention lyric: “With pictures in frames of kisses on cheeks” Lawls. So Innocent.

11. This Love: I can’t quite place what song the “oh oh oh’s” make me think of but it is certainly an old song that now lives on classic rock radio stations. I think I like this song for a slower change of pace from the rest of the album but again the chorus lyrics aren’t great. This love is good, this love is bad” WHICH ONE IS IT TAY? MAKE UP YOUR G-D MIND. Solid for a power ballad post break up I guess though.

Honorable mention lyric: “When you’re young you just run But you come back to what you need” All the wisdom.

12. I Know Places*: It might be the emo side of me that liked the Ashlee Simpson Show (and youtubed clips from it the other night, 10 years later)  but I’m starting to love this song. It makes me want to write in my journal and dye my hair black. Just kitten, black isn’t my color.  I can picture the music video for this being in the woods at night and involving her cats. Nailed it. Call me a visionary. Plus MARIST RED FOXES (insert Red Fox Rumble).

Honorable mention lyric: “Loose lips sink ships all the damn time Not this time.” ALL THE DAMN TIME.

13. Clean: I think this is probably the only song on this album that reminds me of something she’s done before. It has a similar sound to something from the Speak Now era. I like it but it’s nothing special for me. I like that it’s simple and not being overpowered by synths or mid-song talking. It’s CLEAN. Get it?! HA.HA. All jokes aside, is she comparing dating Harry to being an alcoholic? Little dramats don’t we think? Not the finish to the album that I would’ve pictured but then again let’s take a walk down memory lane to Red’s Begin Again ending. Wooooooof. So it’s probably better than that.

Honorable mention lyric: “You’re still all over me like a wine-stained dress I can’t wear anymore” I think we can ALL picture this, amirite? Wine stains? No? Just me?

If you also impulse bought the deluxe edition here are the bonus songs:

13. Wonderland*: This song is banging. It’s Princess fairytale Taylor in Wonderland meets carnival announcer. I mean this of course in the best possible way. The first time you hear her crazy “wonderrrlaaaaaaaaahhhnnnddd” voice you’ll know what i mean. Bonus points for cheshire cat reference.
Honorable Mention Lyric: “And in the end in wonderland we both went mad.” Mostly for her creepy delivery of “mad”.
14. You Are In Love: Supposedly this is Lena Dunham’s wedding song. Knowing that before hearing it made me want it to be the most romantic song ever. I guess it’s more of a modern romantic song, but I actually laughed out loud imaging two people dance act this out as the first dance of their wedding. It just made me think of mimes. I can’t explain the weird places my mind just went to. This song is alright but as far as love songs go I’ll stick with Thinking Out Loud for this year.
Honorable Mention Lyric: “You two are dancing in a snowglobe round and round.” Snowglobe dancing. WOULDN’T THAT BE AWESOME?! (None of this made sense. Pls disregard)
15. New Romantics*: Lovin the modern sound of this song so hard. It’s the female “Safe and Sound” except the lyrics are a lovely romanticized version of post grad problems. A young professionals (I use that term quite loosely) anthem, if you will. I can get down with it for sure. This probably should’ve closed the actual album instead of the bonus tracks if we’re being honest..and we ARE being honest.
Honorable Mention Lyric: “Honey life is just a classroom” PREACH. “We are too busy dancing To get knocked off our feet”
Summary: T’s goal with 1989 was to sound completely different. It was her first fully declared pop album (we’ll all just slyly ignore that Red was 110% pop, but apparently not actually, you know, because Stay, Stay, Stay) Anywho. Goal achieved Tay. This album is all sorts of different. Respect. There are certainly some great jams, but as a whole it’s an album that I cannot listen to on repeat every day. What I’m getting at here is that this album is not Red. Red is her crowned jewel and I will never get sick of it. It gives me all the feels and I refuse to apologize for that.
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