JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/14/16

1-3. People continues to disappoint. 

What once was a joyous occasion, the unveiling of People’s Sexiest Man Alive, has quickly turned into an annual disappointment. In my early blog days I wrote a thinkpiece (whiny bitch blog) about how Ryan Gosling has never won and Chris Hemsworth didn’t deserve the title. I shit pretty hard on People. Then last year they listened and gave the honor to David Beckham, which was the most deserved. This year, I’m out again. Sure, The Rock is funny and looks gr8 in a turtleneck and mom jeans but that doesn’t make a sexiest man alive. Before I get on a rant…here’s  a quick list of five hot guys who are killing it this year, and deserve the cover just as much.

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Scott Eastwood is getting more movies after his Nicholas Sparks debut, he was a T Swift love interest and he looks like that. So yeah, he’s a contender.

Brett makes bangarang country music and DELIVERS on snapchat with a segment he calls “Bedhead Jams” where he serenades me (and ME ONLY) right before he goes to bed. It’s what dreams are made of, literally. Honorable mention to Edgar his new puppy who he cuddles sometimes for bedhead jams and it literally causes my heart to explode. Doesn’t get more classic than hot guys and puppies.

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Young Joe Biden. Nuff said.

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2016 is straight up the year of Milo. This Is Us is snagging up those ratings with his hot sensitive dad thing and also Team Jess forever, he’s about to rock out a Gilmore Girls comeback as well. Welcome back, Milo. We’ve missed you.

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Shoutout to Kris Bryant, my #1 sexiest man alive of the moment, and the reason I became a Cubs fan during the World Series. I’m so glad I hopped aboard the Cubbies wagon when I did because they won the damn thing, Kris’s smile and ocean eyes mesmerized me on the winning play and also I got to learn the words to Go Cubs Go, which is a real hit song. I’m sure everyone appreciated me singing it drunk at the bar the following weekend. Anyway, Kris just won MVP and it would’ve been pretty sweet if he could’ve won that and a title for being sexy all in the same week. Whatever, People. Kris you’ll always have my heart as my first MLB boyfriend. Props to my dad who pointed him out to me then told me I definitely had a chance.

And as a bonus add:

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Because until he wins I’ll petition every single year. An all around entertainer and hunky slab of meat, JT has deserved to take home this W the most.

4. Meh on the Weekend. I’m very outspoken in the fact that Continuum is on my top ten CD’s of all time and I could listen to it forever and ever. Those were the days…back when JayMay was a little bit racist in Rolling Stone but crushed the soulful music. Then he disappeared and came back soft and put out shitty music. When he announced new music last week I was rubbing my hands together in anticipation and I gotta be honest I feel a little let down. I’ll give it a chance because JT’s big comeback was Suit & Tie (barf forever) and then he crushed it with the 20/20 experience but still…not impressed big J.

5a. Lucas Scott, the novelist. Chad Michael Murray wrote a romance novel and it’s not called The Comet. Psh. Sounds lame AF. No seriously though, I got excited for a Lucas Scott original IRL until I saw that it was an adventure novel with dabbles of romance. Count me OUT.

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5b. In related news, the OTH gang reunited for the 100th convention last weekend in Chicago (where Sophia Bush films her TV show) and they still could only get about 4 characters to show up. We did get a little Scott brothers action though and for that I am thankful.

Bonus points for Taylor James making an appearance. CAUSE WHAT IS A OTH CONVENTION WITHOUT HER?!

I realize I kind of mailed in the JUice this week and for that I apologize and leave you with this picture of a FLAWLESS* Blake Lively hitting the red carpet for the first time since baby numero dos was born.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 3/14/16

1. Think twice before you eat food, YOU ANIMALS. 

This is Seth Rogen’s latest venture and obviously it has all the key players of a Seth Rogen production. It’s dirty and it has all of his BFF’s in it. Apparently it’s the very first R rated animated movie. I can definitely get down with it. Except for the whole bun character. I don’t need to stare at an animated vagina for 2 hours. Jus sayin. Really makes you think twice about how you’re considered a murderer every time you shovel food down your gullet. JK CARROTS CAN’T ACTUALLY TALK, GUYS. I’m going to go ahead and keep inhaling food at an alarming rate, thanks.

2. Child Stars who aren’t F’ed up.

Since everyone knows the 90’s was that hawt shit, today’s tv and movies are doing everything they can to feed off of that decade. Next up, a reality show featuring child stars Jodie Sweetin (Stephanie Tanner), Christine Lakin (Al Lambert), and Beverly Mitchell (Lucy Camden). It’s supposed to follow them now and show how well adjusted they are. (I guess we’re going to gloss right on over Jodie Sweetin’s casual meth addiction…) I’m not sure if this will be must-see TV. UNLESS Bev spills on what it was like to tongue Lance Bass on the set of 7th Heaven. Lucy may have been a diehard Christian but that didn’t stop her from being all about that bass and I’d love to hear some juicy deets.

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3. Taylor Swift the swimsuit model. 

Taylor and Calvin just rang in their one year and decided this week to celebrate with a bunch of bikini shots of Taylor in a tropical location. HOT DAMN legs for days. Who knew Tay had it in her? Suddenly the girl who only showed her belly button one time and it was front page news is striking mad sultry poses in a bikini (still no belly button b-t-dubbs.) Calvin’s bod ain’t so bad either, I guess.

4. Mariah tries to stay relevant.

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Mariah Carey got a reality show called “Mariah’s World” on the Kardashian network. When asked about the show, Mariah said,“I thought it would be a good opportunity to kind of, like, show my personality and who I am.” Since Mariah is a notorious asshole diva I’m assuming she’s trying to rehab her image a touch. Watch her plan her billion dollar wedding this summer on E!

5. Hit the gym, bruh.

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Music

Scott Eastwood’s So Tall and Handsome As Hell

When Tay gave us the Blank Space video, it was so over the top that it needed a full blog dedicated to her spectacle of outfit changes. Wildest Dreams deserves it’s own blog because of the perfection that is Scott Eastwood…and also how cocky it is for Taylor Swift to cast this hot piece of ass for a song about a love affair that the guy will never forget. What a minx. Let’s dive in.

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In old timey Africa, Taylor is a dark haired raven. I’m not really into it HOWEVER it’s still better than her hair in the I knew you were trouble video.

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Her hair may be blah but her cat eye, as always is perfection. I can’t decide if I’m more jelly of that or this…

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This is her leading man and it literally baffles me that this is the son of crusty old Clint Eastwood. Until I google young Clint Eastwood and then WHOA. Mind blown.

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Anyway, back to the main event:

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We’re like 5 seconds into the video and they’re already playing tonsil hockey. The true reason why Tay cast Scott for this vid.

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HER FOOT POPPED. IT WAS A FOOT-POPPING KISS.

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Easily her best fashion moment in this video also what’s up, giraffe?

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Cecil? Too soon? R.I.P

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OH HEY scandalous sleeping with your co-star Tay!

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This is getting good now.

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Then it gets bad because Tay goes Blank Space on him for a beat. YIKES.

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Scott uses his strong legs to kick a chair. A little bit of drool falls out of my mouth unexpectedly.

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Quick recovery with a safari flying date. Taylor looks like she smells of mothballs. My nana used to wear that head scarf to Sunday services. Jus sayin.

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Gonna need for them to never cover Scott’s face like this ever again.

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Then he tosses her around like she weighs the same as a newborn baby. Muscles ❤

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Tay admires her million dollar legs with Simba. (Wild animals make her go legs out apparently)

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Then she’s basically naked. No seriously, did she think this outfit would slide under my radar? I see buttcheek.

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More, more, more! What is this The Notebook? (I don’t hate it.) I bet she was like but what if we add a little rain? Wouldn’t that be cool? And then maybe I’ll just mount Scott right during a rainstorm.

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But then the joke’s over because this was all in front of a green screen with some hideous costumes. Khaki trousers will never be flattering, folks.

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Bad boy 4 lyfe Scott smokes inside and thinks about the next co-star he’s going to bang. (Spoiler alert: it’s me.) He’s so bad but he does it so well.

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Suddenly this is a story about a girl named Lucky.

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JK Scott’s actually married to a tramp and Taylor’s all remember when we mated amongst the zebras and lions?

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The final shot. DAMNIT SCOTT, IT’S TOO LATE.

But actually, when does this full length feature film come out? BECAUSE I AM ALL IN.

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Not to deter from the new hotness of loving wild animals but how exactly do music videos make proceeds? Just wondering.

Anyway, all around great video, Tay. Holding out hope there will be more of this in the feature:

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Music, Television

VMA’s Recap

We’re absolutely getting to the point where I’m too old for the VMA’s and nothing made that more clear than watching the pre-show with a shitload of people I didn’t even know. At least Sway is still around. As a very public Miley Cyrus h8er it pained me to watch a show where she was guaranteed so much screen and mic time. (Plus it created an outrageous number of “You don’t want to miss what Miley does next” teasers before EVERY COMMERCIAL BREAK.) But what can I say, I recap for the people so here are your highs and lows of the VMA’s.

Lows:

-MILEY. From the several gag-inducing neon rave outfits (with nothing left to the imagination) to the amount of times she felt it was necessary to remind us she loves pot and the grand finale song about weed/performance that made me want to hurl things at the TV, everything about her as host was AWFUL.

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-Macklemore AND RYAN LEWIS reenact their weird AF music video for new song Downtown that still makes my ears bleed out. (Also this gentleman with a ladies’ voice gives me nightmares.)

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-Whatever this horrific excuse for a bit was–definitely didn’t offend anyone. Too soon, Rebel, too soon. I’m obviously referring to seeing her in hot pants.

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-JBiebz HUUUUUGEEEE comeback sooooooked. He wore a trucker hat and headset like he was a member of N*SYNC but accented that with an oversized tee with leggings like I do when I have my period and I’m bloated, all black cause he has a lot of emotions. Speaking of emotions, he hysterically cries at the end of his garbage can performance, I’m assuming because he realized how terrible his voice is.

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-Pharell revives Newsies.

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-Kanye’s Video Vanguard speech is so Kanye. Taylor presents the award (for ratings) closing out her very scripted speech with a new version of “I’mma let you finish.” PLAY THIS OUT MORE, MTV. SERIOUSLY. IT’S ONLY BEEN 6 YEARS. Kanye takes the stage and allows everyone to worship him standing O style for a good 15 minutes. He soaks it in silently telling the audience that he’ll TELL THEM when they can stop applauding. Finally he gives their bleeding hands a break by saying “Bro, bro listen to the kids.” Now we’ll go into a segment where I highlight the few things I understood from this speech that went on all night as the uncomfies took over my life and ended with a presidential bid for 2020.

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SPEECH HIGHLIGHTS:

-He addresses the audience as Bro or Bruh. If I closed my eyes it was almost as if I was hearing a presidential address from ABROham Lincoln. Chills.

-Yeezy thinks about the 2009 VMA’s when he’s having in-depth juice discussions at Whole Foods.

-Gets boo’ed at baseball games because of his inclination toward Hennessy in 2009.

-He probably regrets wearing a leather shirt more than he regrets ripping the mic out of Taylor’s dainty little hands.

-Thoroughly enjoyed JT’s album entitled “Future Love Sexy Back” AKA “Sexy Back album”

-He watched Justin Timberlake cry at the Grammy’s after losing for aforementioned made up album.

-Kanye pre-gamed this speech with some of Miley’s kush. JUST TO TAKE THE EDGE OFF…CHILL, BRUH.

-Any time he’s at a loss for words he shouts “listen to the kids” which seems like terrible advice since kids are really stupid. Then again…Kanye’s an adult. So–catch 22.

-He doesn’t understand how awards shows work.

-He is running for president in 2020. (CAN YOU IMAGINE KIM KARDASHIAN AS FIRST LADY THOUGH?)

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Highs:

-NICK JONAS CROTCH GRAB.

-The Wildest Dreams video. Obviously. I see what you did there, Tay. You made this video just so you could mack all up on Scott Eastwood. Respect. (Full breakdown of video comin atcha, whether you want it or NAHT.)

-Opening peformance from Nicki Minaj where her RB curtz AND buhhole were politely covered by red feathers. My eyes thank you, Nicki. Tay shoots out of the stage with her infamous erect pageant arm in a matching red number for an over the top beef squashing. Tay sang Bad Blood for a second then they were like LAWLZ JK WE’RE FRIENDS! NO BAD BLOOD HERE!

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-Kanye is really into smiling and Taylor Swift’s the SHIT out of audience dancing during “Can’t Feel My Face”. Grey Goose (Marijuana) got the girl feeling loose.

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-Nicki wins—stands at the bottom of the steps until Rebel Wilson comes down to get her and then at the end of her acceptance speech decides to take her hoops off and ask Miley WHATS GOOD, BITCH. It’s a good thing Miley is on another stage because she absolutely poops herself and is like heh you know that was taken out of context Nicki, we good, right grrrlll? I get that this was all 100% scripted because Nicki laughed after it but I don’t care one bit because I now know that Miley can dish it but she can’t take it and I would watch Nicki curbstomp her ANY day. CELEBRITY DEATH MATCH GOOOOOOOO!

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-Tori Kelly SLAY GIRL SLAY. She wears a skintight sparkly jumpsuit that gives me the tingles and lets that killer voice of hers roar on “Should’ve Been Us”. R.I.P to every other performance because this was the only one worth watching all night. Pure talent. Watch in full here

-Demi Lovato did “Cool for the Summer”, a song that I can take or leave but she looked FAB despite being surrounded by men in neon speedos. Iggy came for a quick rap and also looked gr8, then finished with Demi crowd surfing in an inflatable pool, cause summer.

-Tay wins video of the year for Bad Blood, pretends she knows anything about Straight Outta Compton but then gives us this beautiful quote, “We live in a world where boys can play princesses and girls can play soldiers” promptly followed by Miley’s nipple. That sums up the MTV VMA’s better than anything. Goodnight and good luck to our future as human beings.

Winners:

Best Pop Video- Blank Space, Taylor Swift

Best Male Video-Uptown Funk Mark Ronson Ft. Bruno Mars

Best Hip Hop Video- Anaconda, Nicki Minaj

Best Female Video- Blank Space, Taylor Swift

Video with a Social Message- One Man Can Change the World, Big Sean, John Legend, Kanye West

Artist to Watch- Fetty Wap

Video of the Year- Bad Blood, Taylor Swift ft. Kendrick Lamar

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 8/24/15

1. Biebs is Back and wants to know what do you mean?

So the Biebster did his bad boy thing, then rehabbed his image with a very public and much too nice roast and then spent the past month hyping this single every 10 minutes on Instagram. The first few days of celebs joining in was cute, then when it was all I ever saw on the gram, it got annoying real quick and I declared that this song better be the second coming in music for it to ever live up to all of the obnoxiousness. Apparently his version of Best Song Ever is this and a lyric video with a skateboarding punk from an MTV reality show 10 years ago. No seriously. RYAN SHECKLER?! That’s who you went with for this much anticipated single drop? If you ever want to laugh uncontrollably, watch an old clip from Ry Ry’s show and listen to how terrible he is at narrating/reading from a script. It used to be one of my favorite pasttimes to talk in Ryan Sheckler voice to annoy everyone around me. “When I was little….MY mom….and MY dad….got divorced.” Anyway, I got sidetracked, the moral of the story is this song is lame.

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2. J.Law and Amy Schumer piano dance. These two goofbombs are the newest BFF’s that everyone is spazzing over. Yeah they’re both cool hot blondes who act crazy and make us giggle but I don’t think it’s headlining news that they went on vacay together…what I do think is headlining news is that Billy Joel let them stomp all over his piano at last night’s concert. Good for you, Billy–keeping your cool factor at an all-time high. Here they are grooving around to Uptown Girl. They also are apparently writing a script for a movie that they play sisters in and obviously I will be first in line to see that–especially if it’s anything like Trainwreck cause that was a top notch flick.

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3. VMA’s are this weekend. Instead of revving up with the uncomfies for what is sure to be a disgusting display from host, Miley–let’s instead look forward to gr8 talent and musical moments by watching this fab-tastic 2000’s medley from Tori Kelly who will be performing. Other announcements include Nicki Minaj opening the show again (hopefully with less buhholes, for my eyes’ sake) J.Biebs to perform his new single, Macklemore FT. RYAN LEWIS to perform their new single (which is really weird and makes my ears confused), and Kanye will receive the video vanguard award…for what exactly I’m not quite sure. And last but most, my girl Tay will be debuting the music video for Wildest Dreams which features zebras and Scott Eastwood (lick.) TUNE IN SUNDAY at 9!

4. Taylor Swift has famous friends. For the past few months that the 1989 tour has been happening, we’ve been reminded after each and every surprise guest that Taylor Swift is BFF’s with everyone but nothing prepared us for the mixed bag that her multiple nights in LA brought us. I guess there’s nothing quite like standing in front of a bunch of celebrities and just basically calling them up to the stage one by one to prove you’re all buds who party at each other’s mansions and stuff. (Clearly not jelly at all.) What I found REALLY RUDE was that she had the NERVE to bring JT back for his first post-baby performance after I just embarrassingly begged for that on this very blog. They sang one of my favorite songs and oh yeah I WASN’T THERE. #NOTFINEATALL (Peep any or all of the 1 billion pics and clips below to pretend like you were there…)

5. O-Town is the new 1D. This is not relevant or news but my friend Lindsey (via KardASHLEY) asked me if I had heard the new O-Town song and this one slipped right through the JUice apparently because it came out a while ago. I apologize for not being on top of this but I watched the music video–the song is outrageously good and the music video made me go ALL IN on Dan. Obviously Ashley Parker Angel was the real pretty boy of the group back in the day and when they released Sky Dive last year without him, I couldn’t fully get on board. But now…Ashley who? Dan get at me, bruh. This revelation comes hot on the heels of 1D announcing an upcoming hiatus that we all saw coming and I think we all know who can replace them…

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/20/15

1. Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton win runner up in July’s front page celeb divorce race. 

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If we’re going to rate the level of shock I was feeling at this announcement it’s probably falling around a 6, whereas my Ben/Jen shock level was at an 11. Ever since these two got married there’s been rumors of a divorce so that kind of paved the way for preparations. Don’t get me wrong they’re cute as shit together and it sucks that this happened, but in the wise words of my mother when she saw them at the Grammy’s together one year “Those two are going to get divorced right? They both seem like they want the spotlight and that doesn’t work in a marriage.” (Obviously she was forgetting about One Tree Hill…Naley <3, popstar+pro athlete=always&forever) ANYWAY it just seemed like maybe it wouldn’t really work out. RIP. Here’s hoping for some kickass breakup tunes from Miranda. Too soon?

2. Twitter Beef City, Population: Everyone. So like MTV, music videos and the PRESTIGIOUS VMA’s became relevant again this week in a big way as Nicki Minaj hopped aboard the WAHmbulance and tweeted mad shade because her music video full of buhholes (for a song that was a Baby Got Back remix) did not get nominated for video of the year. Anyway her complaint was that girls with donks don’t get no VMA love and Taylor was like excuse me but there’s no need for girl on girl hate and Nicki was like pshhh you’re not getting my point that I didn’t very clearly make in 160 characters or less and then the internet was like NICKI AND TAYLOR ARE PLOTTING EACH OTHER’S MURDERS when in reality no one was really mad at each other. They both luh and respect the other and made nice on twitter and Taylor told Nicki that she could TOTES join her onstage when she wins (cause she will.) Oh and also Katy Perry was like FOMO guys I need to also be included in this so she tweeted something incoherent with a lot of big words. Bai Katy. Go back to being a cheeto forever.

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Ed Sheeran and Bruno Mars (also best video of the year nominees) had a fake twitter feud to be like HAHA girls are stupid, let’s make fun of their petty internet fights. If you’re asking me for my opinion (which I assume you ALWAYS are) Ed deserves the W for video of the year. He learned how to ballroom dance like a BO$$ for this music video and it’s CRAZY good.

Although I feel like I recapped that fight flawlessly for those who missed it…you may reference the actual tweets below (well…the ones that haven’t been deleted, I’m looking at you Tay PR) for the full picture.

OH part 2 of twitter feuds this week was in the rap world, Meek Mill (I think Nicki Minaj’s other half?…apparently date night for them is calling people out on Twitter) got all up in Drake’s biz and ranted about how he hates him or something and that he uses a ghostwriter, which I’m not positive but I think using a ghostwriter in rap speak is like the biggest diss in America or so it seems. Also Meek’s pretty pezzed that Drake was featured on his album and didn’t also promote it on social media. Drake responded the best way possible…with radio silence. Drake OBVIOUSLY wins. Also if he does use a ghost writer I don’t want to know. I’d like to blissfully live in a world where a man who wears colorful knit sweaters also wrote this: “I got money to blow, letting these bills fall all over your skin.”

3. Miley to host the VMA’s. 

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No seriously, I wasn’t kidding when I said the VMA’s suddenly became relevant again this week. Miley announced she was hosting in a very typical ughhhh Miley way and I’m not even a little bit kidding when I say that I might not be able to stomach an entire awards show with this tongue-out trashmonster at the helm. Not even for the blog’s sake. Never forget: the epic N*SYNC comeback being OVERSHADOWED by Miley and Robin Thicke porking onstage to Blurred Lines. So instead of encouraging this…I will bring us back to what was once good about the VMA’s and this is how I will get through my afternoon in the cube.

4. Brett gives us a tasty lick and other new tunes. Preview of new music from Brett Eldredge who I would looooove to have “just a taste” of. Too much? Too little? Just enough? Listen here. MKTO also snuck out a new banger pre-release style and it’s good shit.

5. If Kelly Clarkson sings Bye, Bye, Bye without choregraphy, did it even happen? JK I’ll cut her a break because she did a slower version but actually…how does one sing the words bye, bye, bye and not at least do the hand part? It’s physically impossible. Not to brag but I did this number for karaoke in my last week of college and yelled crushed it at the end as I threw the mic back to the DJ. Why did I crush it? Because I did the choregraphy. Duh.

BONUS: The Broadway version of Full House is a thing that’s happening and I’m getting all the uncomfies just from the cast pic:

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Makes perfect sense that Michelle is the same age as her Uncle Jesse and also what’s so funny Deej?

And because I could never end on that note and leave you with Full House porn nightmares…please enjoy this super cute fat face baby pic from hunk Scott Eastwood.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of April 6th

1. Tyra Banks/Eve buzzed her head. EVE’S GREAT NO MATTER WHERE SHE GOES, DRESS HER UP FROM HER HEAD TO HER TOES. No seriously the only reason I’m ever reporting anything about Ty-Ty is because it gives me an excuse to shout it out to Eve from critically acclaimed film Lifesize and also post the infamous Tyra meltdown from America’s Next Top Model. Happy Friday folks. It’s the little things that get me through the day. Actually though I think that Tyra Banks is Eve the human Barbie doll and genuinely got this haircut so she could be a business woman because her quote she gave to People about the big snip is that it makes her feel like a “futuristic businesswoman.” Shine bright, shine far. BE A BUSINESSWOMAN WITH A PIXIE.

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The "TyTy Chop" as seen on Eve. (Thx @arry_ka)

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2. Selena will be brought back as a creepy hologram to tour. Call me wacky, but I’m just the type of person that wouldn’t pay money to see a dead person reincarnated as a digital image singing in concert. Seriously though can we cut the shit with the hologram biz and just let the dead R.I.P? Selena’s sis Suzette said “By no means is this something that’s creepy or weird.” Hey Suze, that’s EXACTLY what this is. You’re trying to get singers to collaborate with a dead person for fresh material to get new fans for someone who is no longer living. This is the definition of creepy and weird. More importantly, I really hope the hologram will have an updated style.

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3. Jennie Garth is engaged…not to Dylan. Damn it Kelly, I really thought you and Dylan would be married by now. JK guys, just a little 90210 humor for ya. I think I had too much coffee this morning. Whatever. I took the Jennie Garth/Peter Falcinelli divorce pretty hard, which is probably weird but whatever they seemed like a fab couple. HOWEVER I’m happy to see that she has moved on because she’s still a dime piece so congrats Kelly Taylor.

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4. Anne Hathaway and Emily Blunt Go OG. 

MIC DROP. I watched the first episode of this show like I said I would and there was way too much LL Cool J lip licking and not enough John Krasinski–well his wife threw DOWN this week and convinced me even more that they’re one of the coolest couples in Hollwood. They can hang. Even Anne Hathaway tried not to be the most hated and stepped her game up, get it in those leather pants girl. A+ all around.

5. The Longest Ride comes out this weekend and if you’re female you’ll probably like it….because:

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Do the right thing.

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