Pop Culture, Uncategorized

Celeb-oween 2016

As per tradish, here’s a rundown of all the celeb costumes I could find — from offensive, to naked and everything in between. And of course, the winner of this year’s “accidentally racist” costume that they immediately needed to issue an apology for is…….

Casamigos Tequila Halloween Party

YIKES. Outta left field with that one! Didn’t expect sweet ole Hil (who dressed as a basic bitch black cat last year) to fall for this trap.

Also to be clear, every gossip site who described her getup as a “sexy pilgrim” costume should also be issuing apologies because there is nothing sexy about a pilgrim.

Miss Piggy & Kermit. My OG @allymaki

A post shared by Colton Haynes-Leatham (@coltonlhaynes) on

Colton Haynes has been creepin up on Heidi Klum as Halloween extraordinare but enough is enough. I understand that Miss Piggy as a character is a slutty pig, but that doesn’t mean we need to see her naked, playboy style. TOO FAR, COLTON.

Ok last one I promise 🦄🦄🦄🦄

A post shared by Jenna Dewan Tatum (@jennadewan) on

This year’s unicorn costume SLAAAYYYYY.

Happy Halloween from Siegfried & Roy 🐯🐯

A post shared by Nicole Richie (@nicolerichie) on

Enough time has passed since the incident for this to be ok. Hil, take notes. Getting mauled by a tiger? Give it some time and then ease back into it. Native Americans, on the other hand? Always a no.

No clue what this is supposed to be.

Hey what’re you dressed as tonight? Fairy Queen of the Swamp.

Tinkerbell is a spunky one ✨💫✨

A post shared by Candace Cameron Bure (@candacecbure) on

What a perfect costume for CCB. Prayers to whoever is rocking those giant feet next to her.

Last night we morphed into a country band. #yugecountryguys

A post shared by Kaitlyn Bristowe (@kaitlynbristowe) on

My fave couple killing it power ranger style.

About last night 🤘🏻#CasamigosHalloween

A post shared by Cindy Crawford (@cindycrawford) on

Fam Goalz.

Jellybean reload for Tum Tum #FirstWeFeastThenWeFelony #3Ninjas

A post shared by Glen Powell (@glenpowell) on

Creep like a Ninja

A post shared by Glen Powell (@glenpowell) on

Glen Powell, better known as Chad Radwell with my favorite costume of the year. HI-YAHHHH.

Always a good time to throw it back to Alfalfa.

Whoa.

Scott rides again Resist him if you dare

A post shared by Scout laRue Willis (@scoutlaruewillis) on

WTF IS THIS?! I’ve never wanted to unsee something more.

have you ever seen a more "why me?" face 😭

A post shared by chrissy teigen (@chrissyteigen) on

Needs more flair

A post shared by chrissy teigen (@chrissyteigen) on

.@caseypattersontv and the team at #lipsyncbattle sent an entire scene 😂😂😂 I love you guys so much

A post shared by chrissy teigen (@chrissyteigen) on

Baby Luna CRUSHED Halloween. See Chrissy’s insta for no less than 1000 pictures of the little nugget modeling different costumes.

Speaking of nuggets, here’s ole smooth moves over here as Marty McFly.

📽🎞Hooray for Halloween!🎞📽#Marilyn #Groucho #Chaplin #JamesDean @dbelicious

A post shared by Neil Patrick Harris (@nph) on

As always, winners of the fam costume.

 

ariel-winter3

And so we begin the “friendly” portion of Halloween. Playboy bunny from someone who I wouldn’t be surprised to see a sex tape from in 2017.

bellathorne

You know how cowgirls love to wear their lingerie with a bedazzled belt over it.

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I’m not following on this number for Julianne Hough.

SHE WORE THIS WITH HER CHILDREN. THEY ARE OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW HOW RIDICULOUS THIS IS.

xtina

I’m torn here. This is so spot on but like also tone it down with the skankwad costumes every year, girl.

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Thanks for showing us your nips.

tara-reid

Ah yes, of course. “Santa”. If Santa had never seen a cookie in his life and also wore sparkly hot pants.

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It felt right to follow up the sexy anything segment of this blog with Mindy’s Cap Sully costume. Which of course, is the opposite of sexy.

bette-midler1

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK!

beyonce-blue

Bey & Blue in an ode to Salt n Pepa

Celebrities attend Kate Hudsons annual Halloween Party in Los Angeles

Katy Perry upgrading from the time she dressed as a literal cheeto, to full-on Hil. Not sure why Orlando Bloom is Trump instead of Slick Willy. Pretty weird coups costume dynamic.

Casamigos Tequila Halloween Party

LC Queen of DIY Halloween with another banger.

"Matthew Morrison hosts his 7th Annual Halloween-Birthday Party Presented by Freixenet Cava and Podwall Entertainment at Hyde, Los Angeles"

Nina Dobrev’s “I’m a complete dope” face really completes this costume.

Casamigos Tequila Halloween Party

Real life Ryan Lochte went for terrifying this year.

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Is this a real rabbit because it is creepy AF.

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Zach Braff looks like a babe soda

amy-schumer7

Stranger Things from Amy & her hot boyf. Truth bomb, that hairstyle doesn’t look unrealistic with Amy’s face.

kellyripa

Only time will tell if everyone gets outraged at Kelly for dressing up as Beyonce. Seems like a touchy subject lately. Cough cough, Amy Schumer.

gma

Hard pass to Michael Strahan as Pikachu.

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Well this is, interesting.

leo

LEO! WHY COVER THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE OF YOURS?!

carsondaly

Nothin’ quite like dressing up as your younger self and realizing how old you are.

demi-nick

Demi looks like a dime.

today-halloween-2016

Today Show tackled the 90’s, which of course I approve.

matt-laurer-today-halloween-2016

Is this the first year Matt has dressed as a male character?

pup

Even the Today Show pup is killin it.

tamron

Seems a little early in the morning for a hooker costume, but whatevs.

roker

Did I doooooo thaaaaaattt?

regkathieleehoda

I cannot and will not stop laughing at Kathie’s Reg face.

bush

Jenna Bush mailing it in and “dressing up” as her Grandma.

ellen-degeneres

Ellen and a very low key Heidi Klum as Sia and Maddie. Tough look to have multiple Sia’s in the daytime TV world.

theview

I already posted a solo shot of Candace as Tink, but it’s necessary to look at the whole cast of The View. Did they not learn ANYTHING from Today Show’s abomination of Peanuts last year? CARTOONS DON’T WORK IRL. This is what nightmares are made of.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN.

End of the day update (since I guess people actually dress up ON Halloween…whatever.)

Let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel. #HappyHalloween

A post shared by Shawn Booth (@shawn_booth18) on

WAY better than the power rangers. Cause, Doodle.

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We get it, Mario. You’re ripped.

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Enough with the Trolls. The movie isn’t even out yet and JT’s been hawking it since May. Also, those feet.

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Saw a lot of Lochte but didn’t see any Phelps face and I ‘preciate this. Gabby on the other hand is SO four years ago.

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It’s not fair.

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Do better Tay. I mean, I get that you’re bragging that you know Ryan Reynolds by wearing the actual costume, but also the squad can do better than a bunch of basic costumes. Especially when you’re all rich AF.

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Channing COULD NEVER be the beast.

A post shared by Beyoncé (@beyonce) on

Barbie dreams come true. But that second Insta Blue is CLEARLY like ok enough pics let’s go get some G-D candy now.

And for the big reveal…Heidi Klum’s infamous costume this year that she built up for FAR TOO LONG is

Taking a page out of Kimmy K’s book from last year, Heidi dressed up as herself then took it one step further and dressed up 5 other women like herself, complete with face prosthetics. Kewl.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/30/16

I feel bad that we haven’t JUiced together in a while (if that sounds disgusting to you, pls know that I laughed while typing it.) And although there were only a couple noteworthy news stories this week, I still decided to post, y’know FOR ALL MY FANZ.

1. Tayvin is dunzo.

taylor-swift-calvin-harris-hug-inline

After a little over a year…or as every news media outlet feels the need to point out FIFTEEN MONTHS (as if their relationship was a newborn baby that goes by age in months until they turn 5) T and C have broken up. It is rumored that Calvin ended it, and the two broke the “silence” about it a day after the announcement with:

So like, it’s over. They probsicles won’t get back together and the world will keep turning. Were they a hawt AF couple? Duhs. Since I’ve built a blog on my snarky hot takes I’m just going to throw it out into the breeze that not too long ago Taylor decided to chop all her hair off and bleach it real hard, also changing her look to 90’s grunge in the process. I’m not SPECIFICALLY saying that this was the cause of the breakup but like… come on. Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus ended their engagement rrrriiiight around the same time that Miley buzzed her head and started dressing like an off-duty stripper. Jus sayin. Tossing it right out there and you can feel free to toss it right back. I look forward to whatever hunk Tay snags in the future and hopefully an entire album full of All Too Well’s.

2. Zay-Gi is dunzo. (Did we ever even have a couple name for them? Whatever.)

gigizayn

After seven months of dating and a suuuuper weird music video for Zayn’s solo debut, these two have also called it quits. I mean, they really crushed the Met Ball red carpet but other than that I pretty much had no investment in this relationship. Zayn’s kind of a turd for leaving 1D just so he could release a couple songs with F bombs in them that hint at bedroom times. GiGi’s a smokeshow and realistically Zayn was outkicking his coverage in the first place. Guess that means the SQUAD IS SINGLE (please read in WOO girl voice). Selena, GiGi and Tay about to be out wrecking dick this summer. Was that too graphic? Good. SQUAD SUMMER COMMENCE. (Hey girls, give me a call if someone’s out sick one night and you need another single lady to hit the town with.)

3. The Hills is 10 years old.

lcshocked

10 years ago this week, we were introduced to a few 19 year olds who were juggling “work” and play in LA. That means 10 years ago I was dreaming of the day, when I too, was old enough to live by myself in the city and party hardy. Joke was really on me when I learned that young adulthood bloooows IRL when you don’t have a producer paying for everything. Anyway, usually the first to pretend The Hills didn’t exist, LC addressed the anniversary and announced a special to air August 2nd on MTV for the fans. It will include BTS stories and answer fan questions. YAAASSSSSSSS. Thanks for my belated bday gift, LC. THIS IS ALL I EVER WANTED. Then they took it one step too far and are supposedly shopping a movie idea around (which LC has yet to sign on for…good call.) The rough plot is modeled after a Sex & The City movie and will catch up with the ladies in their marriages/baby life. NO. THANKS. That literally sounds HORRIBLE. Following a bunch of morons around as they navigated their 20’s on “reality” tv? Gold. Following a bunch of moms for a 2 hour movie? Dirt. Here’s hoping that never happens and instead we get a kickass special where Stephanie Pratt finally tells us she’s learned the difference between a hamster and a guinea pig.

stephguineapig

4. Put your muffs away, ladies.

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OH IF IT’S FOR A GOOD CAUSE. BY. ALL. MEANS.

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This isn’t cute. This is junderwear. Junderwear is when Daisy Dukes get so short and tight that they basically just morph into your undercarriage and you’re essentially rolling around in a jean diaper. To be clear, this isn’t me body-shaming. I have a pair of jorts that slowly over time (100 pizzas and donuts later) turned into junderwear and I acknowledge the fact that they are such. IT DOESN’T MAKE THEM SEXY. IT JUST MAKES THEM JUNDIES. Regardless, this is it’s own headline on the JUice because I’m sick of famous ladies being like hey check out my RB curtains, IT’S FOR FEMINISM or IT’S FOR GUN CONTROL! LoLzzzz! Seeing a lady’s basement does not make me think harder about problems facing our world, and then influence me to take action. And that’s just a fact. THESE ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH REASONS TO SHOW OFF YOUR BITS. And that seems preeeetttttyyyyyyy obvious. End. Rant.

5. Here’s a music video that made me confused.

Timeflies released a music video for their catchy jam Once in a While. Except it’s pretty weird. Either way I didn’t have five things to talk (type-yell) about this week so just enjoy this beat, feast your eyes on Cal and wonder what the motive was behind having a girls’ eyes spazz out and wink one at a time for a music video. That pool party looked fun though…my invite must’ve gotten lost in the mail.

PS Happy National Donut Day! I waited until I was safely in the confines of my vehicle to go to town on my frosted treat. Unfortunately, I was still technically at work and was caught red-handed taking a donut selfie. Whoops. Sometimes bragging to others is more important than actually enjoying the donut. Which I did. Real hard.

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Red Carpet

Met Gala Red Carpet 2016

Welcome to the Met Gala, where all the tweens are invited and there’s always a weird theme that the Olsen Twins promptly ignore. This year’s theme was: Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology…whatever the F that means. Let’s judge.

Woof:

dakotajohnson

Kewl stars, Dakota.

Did Solange just dye last year’s dress yellow and add some latex leggings? #LEMONADE

emmaroberts

Not only is this a granny dress but her face is scarin me.

zendaya

THAT BOWL CUT THOUGH. DAMN.

jimmy

madonna

On what planet does anyone want to see Madonna’s nips or buhhole?

katy-perry

Katy Perry is quickly becoming the next Gaga with her dumb outfits and I will not go quietly into the night about this. I do miss my tamogatchi though.

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How does one accentuate their curves? By adding a bunch of buckles, apparently.

olsens

Ever the rebels, the twins show up in cloaks as per usual. Endless ciggs have been treating MK’s face well. She looks suuupes youthful.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

What fresh hell is this seaweed dress, Cindy Lou Who hair combo, Lupey?

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Beyonce looks good because she always looks good but I hate this dress. The color, the latex, not for me. SARRY guess I’m just Becky with the good hair.

kimye

Kim doesn’t look tha worst, but Kanye VIBES West ruined it.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

I feel bad consistently putting Kris on the worst dressed, because you can tell she tries so hard but like, let your daughters outshine you and retire the choker.

MET Gala 2016

Speaking from someone with 100% natty boobs, I don’t know if it’s normal for fake tits to sit at someone’s throat but something isn’t right here, LaLa.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Just, wtf is this. Save this bad boy for a 4th of July beach cover-up.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

If she had covered her bodice more I would’ve been down with this because the silver feathers are elegant. But I can live without seeing your crack whisper out of the tailfeather.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

This year’s sponsored by Hefty, Trash Bag Edition.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Following up the garbage bag dress, here’s random recyclables sewn togets.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Do Less.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Hey Ciara, every man above 60 called and they want their toup back:

karl

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Love that the feathers weren’t enough, there also needed to be a majestic butterfly fluttering across this gown.

MET Gala 2016

I looked right at this outfit and had to do a double take thinking it was 15 years ago and Jen Lindley was attending the ball.

jenbangs

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

What’s happening here?

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Furrever 15.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

This looks like a costume from Practical Magic.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

I mean, typs for Gaga.

jaredleto

Never wear a white tux if you’re a white and that’s obvious.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

I can’t even look at this dress because it feels like Katie is staring into my soul.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

It’s possible Karlie landed on the worst dressed purely out of jealousy.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

HEY Kerry’s preggers again. Also she’s attending a Halloween party.

Yaasss:

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This pose made me laugh for several minutes and I’m not afraid to admit it. The look is actually great, especially for hairy, scary Lorde, but that side head is outrageous.

brielarson

Brie’s closing out a hot red carpet season with this sparkler.

emmastone

I’m digging the dark locks on Emma. Plus this dress honors the theme without being outrageous.

Irachel-mcadams

I think I drooled looking at this picture. Nbd.

amyschumer

I wish her hair wasn’t so erect but the dress is hot stuff.

ninadobrev

This dress is flattering in every way.

rami-malek

I’ve got a thang for blue tuxes.

clairedanes

Cinderella, IRL. Going to a rave:

daneslightupnickjonas

Looking dapper as always. WONDER IF HIM AND KHUD SMOOCHED.

gigizayn

This is some robot fairytale shit. GiGi looks like a smoke and Zayn is her literal knight in shining armor.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Alessandra’s dress is just the right amount of weird and also it looks comfy AF.

ansel-elgort

That smolder though. Panty flooder.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Didn’t even need to include the pic with Jeets because Hannah knocks my socks off all on her own.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Sometimes Chloe has a tendency to dress like she’s straight out of a Delia’s catalogue but I like this look on her.

MET Gala 2016

Scary goth face, pretty dress.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

I wish I could wear this dress. Like, anywhere. What a beautiful fairy.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Demi has looked fierce as hell in every appearance ever this year.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Mindy’s lookin fresh and possibly has a keyboard clutch?

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

This dress is from H&M, so that us commoners can also dress for a ball.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

I’m torn on this. On the one hand, she looks like a sassy sailor, on the other hand she’s wearing white clam diggers at a ball. You decide.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

This kind of looks like trash gathered from a beach but I like it and I bet it’s comfy to lay in.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Kendall maintains as best dressed Jenner/Kardash

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

Never did I think the day would come when I’d toss a compliment Kylie’s way but she really cleaned her shit up. She looks classy and essentially is wearing the same dress as Kim and looks a bajillion times better. Take notes, Kimmy.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Let your hurrr downnn!!!

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Kate couldn’t even sit in this dress so that blows but she looks like a dime.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

Adorbs

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

From the neck down, I’m all over this shit. From the neck up, I’d like to gauge my eyes out. Tay is edgy now and we need to accept it I guess, but the bleach bob NEEDS TO GO. Those shoes slay though.

"Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

What bump? Olivia looks skinny as possible in this dress.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, New York, America - 02 May 2016

TBH, I don’t really know what’s going on here but I know that her head/bustier looks fab so I just glossed over the maybe cape, maybe pants sitch down below.

blake

I mean, end with a bang of course. She doesn’t look preggers,

she just looks F-L-A-W-L-E-S-S

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/11/16

1. Ryans make babies at the same damn time. Allegedly.

“Sources” and “Reports” say that Ryan Gosling/Eva Mendes & Ryan Reynolds/Blake Lively are both expecting baby numero dos. I’m not going to doubt the notion that hot people have sex all the time, so this seems about right for timing of expanding the families. Unfortunately I can’t really comment on how these babies will look because both couples have selfishly kept their kids private and not even given us one little peep via their instagram or whatever. Rude. Regardless, the two hottest Ryans in the world procreate at the same time and everything is all going to be okay. Fingers crossed for Blake’s bump debut at the Met Gala and prayers that Eva doesn’t wear sweatpants when she’s having a fat day for 9 months. Cause Ryan will dump her. Obviously.

ryan-gosling-hey-girl-8

2.  Baby Boy Clarkson has arrived.

WHEW. So I wasn’t far off in assuming that she was about to drop some fluids all over the American Idol stage during that medley. Just a week later and that baby was OUT. Probably would’ve given Idol a little more clout if she dumped the kid out right on-air but whatever. No pics yet, but his name is Remington Alexander. River and Remington. Doesn’t get more country than that.

3. Move over, Uncle J.

Seriously, John Stamos may be top dog of comebacks and riding high this year (not literally, he is sober.) but he can be taken down with one single selfie. Uncle J, who? The Olsen twins have crawled out of their cave of ciggs to grace the social media world with an ultra cool black sunnies selfie. MK may still look just a touch like the cryptkeeper but Ashley is crushing this. I accept.

4. Megan Fox Should Go On Maury. 

#notthefather

A post shared by Megan Fox (@the_native_tiger) on

Megan is preggers again but also separated from hubs Brian Austin Green so America was like omgggggg who knocked her up?!?!?!? And she responded being like lolz I didn’t sleep with any of my co-stars. OBVIOUSLY Bri is the father, but the fact that Hollywood is a place where having babies with your co-stars is casj city apparently made this news. (This still isn’t really news but I’m stretching to find five blogworthy headlines this week.) Also this gives me a chance to formally complain about her role in New Girl this season. Could that have been a lamer guest star stint? She was like oh I’m so BA and hot and kewl and then falls in love with Nick and peaces out. Nice knowin ya, girl. Oh yeah, spoiler alert. As if New Girl is must-see TV enough to be worthy of a spoiler alert.

5. Here’s a picture of Jimmy Fallon trying out a mustache. (1:57 mark)

I used to watch the Tonight Show consistently and I stopped when I moved to poor people TV without a DVR but this made me want to start watching again…for little nuggets like this. Jimmy trying out the stache. For the record, I think it’s in everyone’s best interest that he never do it again. But also realistically that picture needs to be printed on a mug for the JT mugception joke.

 

Sorry for the subpar JUice, now go into the weekend and think about what we all did to deserve a shitty tour video for New Romantics. Think long and hard about it.

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Movies, Television

Golden Globes 2016 Recap

LEOISPERFECT

Our first Golden Globes post the Tina and Amy era and they were sorely missed. They weren’t even physically there to at least give us a glimpse of what we were missing. Ricky Gervais is famous for hosting the Globes a whole bunch of times and then getting fired because everyone had outrage over how mean his comedy was. And he certainly welcomed himself back without toning it down an inch last night. His first joke was about Caitlyn Jenner not doing a service to female drivers. Welp, someone actually died in that car accident so I’m gonna guess this one won’t go over so well but what a nice kickoff to the evening to see the uproarious crowd laughter for something so offensive. His monologue had a lot of jabs at females all around and he gave more than a few celebs the uncomfies. Good for him. His tendency to giggle at his own jokes and his British accent pretty much get him out of everything.

ricky

Full Discloszh: this recap may be missing a few things because my power went out mid-show like I live in a cabin out in the wilderness or something and I missed some action while the cable box slowly rebooted. The hardships I go through just to deliver a good recap. If the power tries to F with me again during Awards Season, National Grid is going to hear a thing or two from me.

Update: As of 11:21pm my power left me again only this time I was by myself and obviously convinced that someone cut it and was coming to kill me like I was Peyton Sawyer awaiting the wrath of Psycho Derek or something. #Blessed to be alive right now.

NO:

-The first bit of the night is Jonah Hill pretending to be the bear from The Revenant by making dumb jokes about honey while wearing a bear hat. It was bad on its own, but then half of it was bleeped out so what’s the fun in that? The only saving grace was hearing Channing “shitty comb over” Tatum ask Jonah what Leonardo Dicaprio tasted like.

 

-Rachel Bloom, lead actress of CW show “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” unexpectedly wins and basically just gets onstage and shouts a lot while her boobs struggle to be freed from her very tight dress. In a one-sentence summary, my friend Lindsey said, “That was something.”

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-The Golden Globes have been happening for a while now. In which case I would assume they have had ample time to solve the seating chart sitch. There should be no waiting as winners walk from the back of the theater and weave their way through tables to get to the stage.

– Lady Gaga and Taylor Kinney just had sex on a canvas and blasted pics of it everywhere but it must not have been that good because she didn’t even thank him in her speech. She was speechless though so that’s her excuse (as the music played her out.)

-It must’ve been a real rowdy crowd this year or someone in the control room got a little slap happy with the bleep but pretty much half of the show was cut out and the crowd was constantly being shushed like a classroom full of kindergarteners. Listen, I get that you’re trying to be family friendly but there’s a way to let the adults in the room insinuate what the joke is by bleeping out a word or two. I feel like I missed half the show (or at least the best parts) because of the over-censoring.

 

YES!:

-This dead guy.

-In a show where several presenters kind of just babbled and tried out new material that didn’t work so hot, Eva Longoria and America Ferrara nailed it with their bit about being confused for other Latina actresses. Accidental racism in Hollywood, it’s funny because it’s true.

-Jaimie Alexander (who was best dressed of the night, according to me) couldn’t read the teleprompter fast enough and asked who was typing it. This conjured up images of someone ferociously typing everything backstage and made me giggle. Also as a fellow shitty teleprompter operator–c’mon Jaimie. Act like a pro and adapt.

-A Schu & J. Law introduce clips of their movies AKA they just babble a bunch of words because Hollywood–and basic betches–are obsessed with their friendship so they could’ve pretty much done anything and people would eat that shit right up.

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-Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg wished us a Happy New Year with their eyewear and Will politely asked everyone to stop snickering and chatting & acting like real buttholes. This might’ve been the only time I laughed out loud. Quickest way to get a full belly laugh from me is the word butthole. True story of an eight-year-old boy stuck in a 24-year-old female’s body.

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-Don’t you even think of getting in Gaga’s way, Leo.

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-Denzel wins the big award that is decided beforehand and his acceptance speech is still a hot mess. Bonus points for him and the wifey basically doing a sketch of my parents onstage though. He can’t find his speech, then he can’t read it because he doesn’t have his glasses. His wife can’t read it either because she doesn’t have her glasses. Welcome to the glasses shuffle every single time I try to show my parents something on my phone.

-Ryan Gosling drool city.

-Taraji wins for her role as Cookie and hands out cookies on her way up, which made me love her even more AND get real hungry. The sass comes out to play as she shouts at the guy helping her up the steps to get off her train. They try to play her off but they gonn’ learn that you don’t cut off Cookie. She takes her sweet ass time obviously.

-J.Law wants to be buried next to David O. Russell (Fun Fact.)

-LEO FINALLY WINS!!!!!!!! Always the bridesmaid, never the bride, Leonardo Dicaprio wins lead actor for The Revenant and of course gives a classy and composed speech, even as he’s being played off. The nerve that these turds had to play music over his long-awaited shining moment. He even found time to shout it out to his friends—~~YoU KnoW wHo u R~~ MD.BA.JL.JH

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-I feel like Ricky Gervais harassing Mel Gibson on stage should’ve been hilarious but we didn’t get to hear half of it. We did get to hear Ricky’s last words of the show: “From myself and Mel Gibson, Shalom.” PS this is what was bleeped and it made good ole Mel real uncomfy.

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In summary: If the Globes were this boring, I’m terrified for the Oscars.

Click here for full list of winners.

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Television

Emmy’s 2015 Recap

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If I didn’t have boozy root beer to get me through last night’s awards, I would have absolutely snoozed right through them. There were not enough SNL cast members bits and Andy Samberg told a bunch of dad jokes. If you didn’t catch my Red Carpet blog, I’ll just play my tiny violin one more time when I announce that simply by staying hydrated, I quite possibly ended the life of my fairly new Macbook. Come hell or high water though, I couldn’t let my thousands of screaming fans down and so I busted out the ole quill and ink during the show last night and took notes on some parchment paper… then my friend Lindsey lent me her laptop for the eve so I could deliver the goods. Someday she’ll receive royalties for this…today’s not that day. Anyway, I just wanted to make sure everyone properly ‘preciated the dedication I have to being the saltiest of Ju’s.

Lows:

-We have an immediate low when Andy Samberg kicks off the show with “Justin Timberlake is not going to be here, let’s get that out of the way.” WHAT AN OUTRAGEOUS LETDOWN. I hated Andy immediately. (FTR there WAS no JT…or JFALL for that matter.)

-Andy did two musical bits that made me want to slice my ears right off, the opener where he was a smelly underground creature who binge-watched every show and the unfortunately bloody “Emmy’s Can Kill” number later in the show.

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-A pretend beef between Andy and Amy where they just pan to Amy giving a dirty look. This would have been 10,000 times funnier if he was talking and Amy stormed the stage and said ” ANDY, WHAT’S GOOD?”

-John Stamos takes the stage with Gina Rodriguez where they make everyone uncomfy by hitting on each other, I don’t even recall them presenting an award. Although I would give my left leg to have Uncle Jesse get all up on me and whisper sweet nothings in my ear.

-Empire stars Taraji P. Henson and Terrence Howard present and ooze the awksies. They try to banter but it’s weird and ends in a cheek smooch not a minute too soon.

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-Olive Kitteridge wins 1 trillion awards, which is great for something no one had ever heard of, also sets up Andy for some new dadtastic material:

-Tracy Morgan makes his comeback to a standing O, gets serious for a minute then quickly says he’s gon get a lot of women pregnant at the after parties. Eeekkk.

-Apple Music debuts a new commercial with Taraji, Kerry Washington and Mary J. Blige where they essentially embody every girls night pregame ever and listen to 90’s hip hop and dance. Stop trying so hard, Apple.

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-There’s a quick break for a guy to get onstage and talk about college students and states “Today’s college students are tomorrow’s Emmy winning artists.” This should probably be the tagline of Marist College’s Radio/TV/Film major. Slap that in the brochure. #NotBitterAtAll #PerpetuallyFunemployed

Highs:

-Hollywood’s leading men show us that the Emmy’s aren’t worth picking up the razor for.

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-Apparently it was like 1 billion degrees in LA last night and therefore everyone had the shiniest of foreheads. STARS SWEAT JUST LIKE US!

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-Andy MOSTLY sucked, but here were his two best one liners, in my honest opinion: “Racism is over. Don’t fact check that,” from his monologue when he talked about how this is the most diverse group of nominees ever. And while introducing Adrian Brody to the stage, “The only person I can stand next to and say I’ve got a cute little button nose.” This was awesome because Brody had to take the stage after hearing that.

-“We Are Amy.” Two funny Amy’s present the first award, get a makeup and hair touchup before taking the stage and then talk about how they’re going to be judged for what they wore (sarrryyy) and how Amy’s going to black out later. Out of all the presenters, these two were best at actually being funny.

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-Ricky Gervais uses his time presenting to pretend he won an Emmy since he was snubbed before…this is only funny because everyone hated Ricky and shit all over him when he hosted and he knows it so he milks his stage time just to irritate people.

-James Corden mocks the vote counters of Ernst & Young, then selfies with them.

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-Jimmy Kimmel announces that he could easily give the Emmy to whoever he wants, like Joey Tribbiani for example, then eats the card with the winner on it. The only thing that makes this entertaining is that Matt LeBlanc didn’t win and showed that he didn’t love the Friends dig.

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-Best moment of the night is obviously awarded to Amy Poehler…in an excrutiatingly boring show, she managed to make me giggle uncontrollably just by throwing on a hoodie and some shades in her DGAF act while being nominated for Parks & Rec. The camera panned to her multiple times for reaction shots and it was gold every single time.

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-Regina King wins (I’m guessing it’s a long time coming since she was in A Cinderella Story many moons ago) and her gal pal Taraji presents it then screeches for her. What a ride or die friend.

-Andy Samberg gives out login info for HBO Go, which is nice for people who don’t have HBO and really want to see what this Olive Kitteridge bologna is all about, but what I could really use is a Hulu login for The Mindy Project this season. PS if you missed it: username-khaleesifan3@emmyhost.com, password-password1

-Amy Schumer wins for Inside Amy and is so excited and flustered that she thanks her head writer first who “had a baby like 10 seconds ago” and whoever created her smokey eye. Keep doing you, girl.

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-Jon Hamm beached whales it onto the stage for his W, except he looks like a stealth agent instead of a floundering sea urchin like I absolutely would have. He gets real serious after that…BOOOOOO.

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-Viola Davis makes history with her win and Taraji hugs the shit out of her proving to be the best hype girl, even when she loses. I would like her to come over and cheer for me as I accomplish day to day tasks.

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Full List of Winners:

Supporting Actress, Comedy: Allison Janney, Mom

Comedy Series, Writing: Veep

Supporting Actor, Comedy: Tony Hale, Veep

Guest Actor in Comedy Series: Bradley Whitford, Transparent

Guest Actress in Comedy Series: Joan Cusack, Shameless

Director, Comedy Series: Jill Soloway, Transparent

Lead Actor, Comedy Series: Jeffrey Tambor, Transparent

Lead Actress, Comedy Series: Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep

Reality Competition: The Voice

Writing, Limited Series Drama: Jane Anderson, Out of Carriage

Supporting Actress, Limited Series, Drama: Regina King, American Crime

Director of Limited Series Drama: Olive Kitteridge

Supporting Actor, Limited Series Drama: Bill Murray, Olive Kitteridge

Lead Actress, Limited Series Drama: Frances McDormand, Olive Kitteridge

Lead Actor, Limited Series Drama: Richard Jenkins, Olive Kitteridge

Outstanding Limited Series: Olive Kitteridge

Writing, Variety Series: Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Variety Sketch: Inside Amy Schumer

Directing, Variety Series: Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Variety Talk Series: Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Guest Actor, Drama Series: Reg E. Cathey, House of Cards

Guest Actress, Drama Series: Margo Martindale, The Americans

Drama Series, Writing: Game of Thrones

Supporting Actress, Drama: Uzo Aduba, Orange is the New Black

Directing, Drama Series: David Nutter, Game of Thrones

Supporting Actor, Drama: Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones

Lead Actor, Drama: Jon Hamm, Mad Men

Lead Actress, Drama: Viola Davis, How to Get Away with Murder

Outstanding Comedy Series: Veep

Outstanding Drama Series: Game of Thrones

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 8/24/15

1. Biebs is Back and wants to know what do you mean?

So the Biebster did his bad boy thing, then rehabbed his image with a very public and much too nice roast and then spent the past month hyping this single every 10 minutes on Instagram. The first few days of celebs joining in was cute, then when it was all I ever saw on the gram, it got annoying real quick and I declared that this song better be the second coming in music for it to ever live up to all of the obnoxiousness. Apparently his version of Best Song Ever is this and a lyric video with a skateboarding punk from an MTV reality show 10 years ago. No seriously. RYAN SHECKLER?! That’s who you went with for this much anticipated single drop? If you ever want to laugh uncontrollably, watch an old clip from Ry Ry’s show and listen to how terrible he is at narrating/reading from a script. It used to be one of my favorite pasttimes to talk in Ryan Sheckler voice to annoy everyone around me. “When I was little….MY mom….and MY dad….got divorced.” Anyway, I got sidetracked, the moral of the story is this song is lame.

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2. J.Law and Amy Schumer piano dance. These two goofbombs are the newest BFF’s that everyone is spazzing over. Yeah they’re both cool hot blondes who act crazy and make us giggle but I don’t think it’s headlining news that they went on vacay together…what I do think is headlining news is that Billy Joel let them stomp all over his piano at last night’s concert. Good for you, Billy–keeping your cool factor at an all-time high. Here they are grooving around to Uptown Girl. They also are apparently writing a script for a movie that they play sisters in and obviously I will be first in line to see that–especially if it’s anything like Trainwreck cause that was a top notch flick.

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3. VMA’s are this weekend. Instead of revving up with the uncomfies for what is sure to be a disgusting display from host, Miley–let’s instead look forward to gr8 talent and musical moments by watching this fab-tastic 2000’s medley from Tori Kelly who will be performing. Other announcements include Nicki Minaj opening the show again (hopefully with less buhholes, for my eyes’ sake) J.Biebs to perform his new single, Macklemore FT. RYAN LEWIS to perform their new single (which is really weird and makes my ears confused), and Kanye will receive the video vanguard award…for what exactly I’m not quite sure. And last but most, my girl Tay will be debuting the music video for Wildest Dreams which features zebras and Scott Eastwood (lick.) TUNE IN SUNDAY at 9!

4. Taylor Swift has famous friends. For the past few months that the 1989 tour has been happening, we’ve been reminded after each and every surprise guest that Taylor Swift is BFF’s with everyone but nothing prepared us for the mixed bag that her multiple nights in LA brought us. I guess there’s nothing quite like standing in front of a bunch of celebrities and just basically calling them up to the stage one by one to prove you’re all buds who party at each other’s mansions and stuff. (Clearly not jelly at all.) What I found REALLY RUDE was that she had the NERVE to bring JT back for his first post-baby performance after I just embarrassingly begged for that on this very blog. They sang one of my favorite songs and oh yeah I WASN’T THERE. #NOTFINEATALL (Peep any or all of the 1 billion pics and clips below to pretend like you were there…)

5. O-Town is the new 1D. This is not relevant or news but my friend Lindsey (via KardASHLEY) asked me if I had heard the new O-Town song and this one slipped right through the JUice apparently because it came out a while ago. I apologize for not being on top of this but I watched the music video–the song is outrageously good and the music video made me go ALL IN on Dan. Obviously Ashley Parker Angel was the real pretty boy of the group back in the day and when they released Sky Dive last year without him, I couldn’t fully get on board. But now…Ashley who? Dan get at me, bruh. This revelation comes hot on the heels of 1D announcing an upcoming hiatus that we all saw coming and I think we all know who can replace them…

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